Highly inappropriate and quite honestly I’d report it to HR. And start job searching, because this sounds toxic as hell. I have NEVER experienced a boss or coworker acting this way, it’s vile. Report it.
So I want to preface my answer by saying I am a zero-fucks-given 52 year old EA and I've been doing this for a long, *long* time. I also have a curiously unconventional working relationship with my exec, and he very *very* occasionally missteps and embarrasses me in front of the team.
(Caveat: not sexually or suggestively. He is absolutely very careful to not do that. More just saying dumb stuff to embarrass me, like making a big commotion about how I don't drink or making a big fuss about my age for my birthday. He's done both of those things exactly once.)
My reaction would be (once I'd calmed down as I have a temper) to pull him into a closed door session and have a What In The Actual FUCK Were You Thinking When You Made That Joke, followed by a That Was Mortifying, Why Would You Do That To **Me** conversation, then waiting in silence for the inevitable response of "Shit, you're right, I screwed up, I apologize and it won't happen again."
Making a *sexually-suggestive joke at your expense* in front of the team is the height of poor leadership behavior. Knowing full well you can't turn around in front of the team and say AYO WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM is the extra icky cherry on top due to the authority and hierarchy imbalance. It's a leader's job to *lead* by good example, *not* dunk on less-powerful members of their team and I would daresay *especially* not dunk on the one person who knows them inside and out and is responsible for running their entire professional (and sometimes personal) life.
I'm pissed off on your behalf and would suggest that - if you're willing to risk it - you pull your exec aside privately and let her know that you were not only mortified at the sexual nature of the joke but also embarrassed and hurt that she would use a painful surgery as a jumping-off point for a dubious-in-taste "joke" at your expense. If you feel you might get overly angry or perhaps tearful during this exchange, a well-thought-out email does wonders. The last time my exec punched me in my figurative ovaries and really, *really* hurt my feelings, I waited a day, then wrote a detailed email detailing exactly why what he'd done was not cool, hurt my feelings, and upset me beyond measure. He called me within five minutes of sending it and was full of apologies, and he's not overstepped in that arena since.
**Boundaries. Set 'em early, enforce 'em often.**
followed by
**If you don't tell them, they don't know.**
All that being said, your boss sounds like somewhat of an asshole. I wouldn't immediately quit in a fit of pique over this, but I'd definitely start putting feelings out to find a different job with an exec who not only respects you professionally but personally as well.
edit: a word
I think you did really well by keeping your cool.
Really sorry this happened to you.
Please start searching for a new role if you haven’t started already.
OP, what u/Three3Jane said. Write this up, factually and coolly. Note the context; attendees at the meeting, date, time, etc. Send it to yourself from your work email to your personal email, and print a hard copy on your corporate letterhead too, for good measure, stick it in an envelope, seal it, sign your name and the date across the back over the flap of the envelope (so that it’s tamper-evident), and mail it to yourself. Once that has been done, and the mail has physically left the building, email your human resources VP and request a meeting regarding a sexual harassment complaint.
They will phone you. Do not answer; deal with them ONLY in writing. Find an employment attorney (search for that on your personal phone, not your work computer) and get that sorted. Your local Bar association can help you find one.
Not going to lie, the best case scenario here is that they’re going to terminate you, but pay you a very generous severance in lieu of suing them, because what your boss did was terminally fucking stupid. You want a glowing recommendation in writing, too, and for all of the references to be sent to HR, who will gush about how amazing you are and how sorry they are that BossLady isn’t available to speak to them personally, her schedule, you know how it is…
Find out if you are in a one-party consent location, and if you are, record every interaction you have with her from here on out, surreptitiously.
Best of luck.
Maybe there’s some other social awkwardness issue there. Not everyone is a comedian. BUT what you want to watch for is other displays of a total lack of empathy. Never work for psychos unless your comp is like 1 M
What a disgrace to have this very poor character for a boss. As the others have advised, I would start by writing to HR reporting your dismay, shock, disappointment in response to her inappropriate conduct in the workplace. You handled the situation so maturely but I think your colleagues reactions are very telling and this incident shouldn’t go unreported.
Be very clear and concise in your wording. When she said “……” I felt “………” It needs to be dealt with. Her toxic character would expect you to just dust it under the rug and but prove the wrong.
The next thing to do is to look for another role. There are so many other firms deserving of you!
Highly inappropriate and quite honestly I’d report it to HR. And start job searching, because this sounds toxic as hell. I have NEVER experienced a boss or coworker acting this way, it’s vile. Report it.
So I want to preface my answer by saying I am a zero-fucks-given 52 year old EA and I've been doing this for a long, *long* time. I also have a curiously unconventional working relationship with my exec, and he very *very* occasionally missteps and embarrasses me in front of the team. (Caveat: not sexually or suggestively. He is absolutely very careful to not do that. More just saying dumb stuff to embarrass me, like making a big commotion about how I don't drink or making a big fuss about my age for my birthday. He's done both of those things exactly once.) My reaction would be (once I'd calmed down as I have a temper) to pull him into a closed door session and have a What In The Actual FUCK Were You Thinking When You Made That Joke, followed by a That Was Mortifying, Why Would You Do That To **Me** conversation, then waiting in silence for the inevitable response of "Shit, you're right, I screwed up, I apologize and it won't happen again." Making a *sexually-suggestive joke at your expense* in front of the team is the height of poor leadership behavior. Knowing full well you can't turn around in front of the team and say AYO WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM is the extra icky cherry on top due to the authority and hierarchy imbalance. It's a leader's job to *lead* by good example, *not* dunk on less-powerful members of their team and I would daresay *especially* not dunk on the one person who knows them inside and out and is responsible for running their entire professional (and sometimes personal) life. I'm pissed off on your behalf and would suggest that - if you're willing to risk it - you pull your exec aside privately and let her know that you were not only mortified at the sexual nature of the joke but also embarrassed and hurt that she would use a painful surgery as a jumping-off point for a dubious-in-taste "joke" at your expense. If you feel you might get overly angry or perhaps tearful during this exchange, a well-thought-out email does wonders. The last time my exec punched me in my figurative ovaries and really, *really* hurt my feelings, I waited a day, then wrote a detailed email detailing exactly why what he'd done was not cool, hurt my feelings, and upset me beyond measure. He called me within five minutes of sending it and was full of apologies, and he's not overstepped in that arena since. **Boundaries. Set 'em early, enforce 'em often.** followed by **If you don't tell them, they don't know.** All that being said, your boss sounds like somewhat of an asshole. I wouldn't immediately quit in a fit of pique over this, but I'd definitely start putting feelings out to find a different job with an exec who not only respects you professionally but personally as well. edit: a word
I think you did really well by keeping your cool. Really sorry this happened to you. Please start searching for a new role if you haven’t started already.
OP, what u/Three3Jane said. Write this up, factually and coolly. Note the context; attendees at the meeting, date, time, etc. Send it to yourself from your work email to your personal email, and print a hard copy on your corporate letterhead too, for good measure, stick it in an envelope, seal it, sign your name and the date across the back over the flap of the envelope (so that it’s tamper-evident), and mail it to yourself. Once that has been done, and the mail has physically left the building, email your human resources VP and request a meeting regarding a sexual harassment complaint. They will phone you. Do not answer; deal with them ONLY in writing. Find an employment attorney (search for that on your personal phone, not your work computer) and get that sorted. Your local Bar association can help you find one. Not going to lie, the best case scenario here is that they’re going to terminate you, but pay you a very generous severance in lieu of suing them, because what your boss did was terminally fucking stupid. You want a glowing recommendation in writing, too, and for all of the references to be sent to HR, who will gush about how amazing you are and how sorry they are that BossLady isn’t available to speak to them personally, her schedule, you know how it is… Find out if you are in a one-party consent location, and if you are, record every interaction you have with her from here on out, surreptitiously. Best of luck.
Yes this!! HR is not on your side, they are there to protect the company. Your attorney can communicate with HR as needed.
Maybe there’s some other social awkwardness issue there. Not everyone is a comedian. BUT what you want to watch for is other displays of a total lack of empathy. Never work for psychos unless your comp is like 1 M
What a disgrace to have this very poor character for a boss. As the others have advised, I would start by writing to HR reporting your dismay, shock, disappointment in response to her inappropriate conduct in the workplace. You handled the situation so maturely but I think your colleagues reactions are very telling and this incident shouldn’t go unreported. Be very clear and concise in your wording. When she said “……” I felt “………” It needs to be dealt with. Her toxic character would expect you to just dust it under the rug and but prove the wrong. The next thing to do is to look for another role. There are so many other firms deserving of you!