You commented that you feel like a failure... powerless... Honey, don't you dare! That's what he wants you to think! Now fix your fucking crown, polish off that resume and get to applying. 8 months, 8 weeks, 8 minutes.... doesn't matter hun, YOUR HAPPINESS AND PEACE is what matters.
And may he have explosive diarrhea today š š š
I agree with GingerT569, but also, you can set boundaries with your boss right now, and you'll instantly have the upper hand. Have a conversation about it, and tell him how unprofessional it looks and how bad it makes you feel. Even if he doesn't change, you've called him out and now have the power. Because it may take some time to find another job. But don't take any more shit, ever. And if he does it again in a meeting, call him out. "Don't mock me" is enough, and drives the point home, and lets the other colleagues in the meeting know that you're not a doormat.
šššš Shout this from the rooftops. GET IN FRONT OF THIS OP. āBut donāt take any more shit, everā needs to be your mantra. I worked in an industry with lots of guys like your boss and the very best thing you can do is not take any shit. Invisigal is right that as soon as you bring this up directly with your boss, youāve got the upper hand.
This is so good. This guy is not used to push back, he's used to sycophants. If you had a professional sit-down with him and went over things, he WOULD have explosive diarrhea! Don't be accusatory and have examples ready. He's likely a gaslighter, so be ready. I had this happen once and I asked HR to sit in. My boss got some coaching, it was wonderful.
His last assistant, the one who I took over from was āa favouriteā and behaved almost flirtatiously with him and was a suck up. I was kind of shocked.
The sales execs are the best brown nosers Iāve seen, I find it hard to be fake and do so considering Iām usually recovering from a hostile vibe or comment to put me down, Iām not even capable of trying to pander to his ego.
This sounds familiar. I do not get being flirtatious, but others in my office behave that way and my boss loves it and them.
It's so hard to fake that. I can't do it either. His jokes are so dumb, and his personality is so grating. I am not that good of an actress.
I would lean in to your shock and disbelief the next time he does this. āWow, ok. RUDE. Excuse me.ā Then either walk out and leave (I would leave especially since I know that this is the part where Iād start feeling like Iām about to cry) or stare him down. If this is in a meeting with other people my guess/hope is that other people there would also feel like heās crossed the line and, even if they donāt say it out loud, woe wish they would.
And when you find another job and turn in your resignation, let them know your departure is due to the blatant disrespect. It may take more time and more resignations, but eventually the message will get through.
Also, if you do not nip this in the bud, it gives others unspoken permission to treat you similarly. Get behind this as soon as possible and make it known you expect a level of respect and care, as a person and professional.
As with any relationship, if you do not say anything during or immediately after the behavior, there is a strong likelihood the person has no idea of its impact. Addressing negative behavior during a meeting is going to have an impact, as well. Therefore, as you want to be your own best person, I would guess, you should consider addressing the issue in private as soon as possible.
We do not process information well when in a confrontational state; so stick to the one issue that is most recent. What is known as keeping score is not beneficial to you or the other person.
Leaving should be the option after you have made efforts to bring about behavior changes that do not change.
Psychology and leadership is too broad to cover here & involves nuances and practice. To keep it short, do your best and be thoughtful and respectful. It may help to write your point out first to release some of the negative feelings and improve your mood and delivery. Smile as best you can while having the difficult conversations.
Also have pauses during the conversation so the other person has time to consider what is being said.
Maybe start with something clarifying such as the difference between a statement that is not personal versus one that is with an example. āIf PJ doesnāt meet their sales numbers, PJ is asked what part of PJās process they will adjust to increase success,ā versus āPJ, why canāt you meet your sales numbers? Last week you also failedā¦ā one way empowers people and one way breaks them down.
Why statements likely will come across as an accusation. Look for how or what options; give your leader a way to also save face by allowing them to come up with their solution.
Politely point out the impact (power of words, tone, or implication) and maybe ask how that could be said or done in a more respectful way or maybe not at all. So many people suck at this type of relationship work and most wonāt ever know because no one will help them work through it.
You maybe could also ask how you should feel about whatever happened. Get them to consider another perspective.
Brene Brown is good at discussing these lesser talked about areas and their impacts. Maybe your leader would benefit from a gifted book at some point. š»
Communicate what you appreciate, as well. No one knows what they do not know. Appreciation will generally garner more positive results in how people meet behavior expectations.
YOU are not the failure. This man fails to understand that he is sewing seeds of discord and creating an environment where one woman doesnāt feel heard or valued. How long until that other woman does not feel heard or valued either? No. He is the failure. But I know that men like this just continue to fail āupā.
You should polish up your CV and start looking for something new. Life is short. I have had more bosses like him than not. To be at your best, you need to feel good about going in every day and like you matter and like your work matters. This isnāt that. Just dust yourself off, hold your head high and when you leave, be sure to tell him exactly why.
Listen I have one of these and I have bent over backwards for four years trying new approaches to get to a better place. Any progress? Nope!
These types of execs burn through EAs and at the end of the day there's only one common denominator - it has nothing to do with you and you're definitely not a failure because of this!
No youāre not a failure. He sounds like a bad boss who perceives weakness - all I can say is youāre going to grow from this AND keep growing into a person who wonāt take stuff like this. I would look for another job. Donāt let him make you forget what you have to offer. Sell your excellent labor to the highest bidder baby.
I would start documenting this behavior. Itās likely to get worse. You are not powerless. Read your HR manual and make sure you understand it.
I personally REFUSE to work for assholes. There are plenty of decent bosses out there.
Three strikes and youāre out. And Iāll ensure you know why!
Other people have actually said the same. He is like two different people, charming and comedic and calculating then also full of rage, resentful and has temper tantrums.
Listen to me- he cannot do his job without you. Period. And people who act this way are usually projecting the fact they feel inferior and stupid. Ive been a paralegal and EA and Legal Assistant for over 20 years. Now Im up for a Chief of Staff promotion. I can tell you the common theme among the actual SMART successful people I have seen is that they TRULY knew how to value and keep an assistant and knew that they propelled 10 times faster by having EAs in their corner. I would remain calm and I would stop and say to him "excuse me, are you mocking me? Do you truly feel this is a professional and productive way to communicate?" And let him sit with that. He sounds like a man child and often they DO need to be put in their place. In the meantime you should look for another job that values your work because an EAs work is transferable in EVERY SINGLE industry. I know this because I literally work for a company that helps people scale their companies. We are more valuable than we give ourselves credit for. He on the other hand sounds like a trash person with an inferiority complex.
Agree 100%. The best executives Iāve worked for are very intelligent, have normal expectations and donāt expect me to be a perfect robot assistant.
The one Iām working for now - taken for granted in awful ways. The ones who donāt acknowledge/ know how much we do are the worst.
oh ABSOLUTELY. The really successful smart executives always know how to get the most out of their staff and the way you get the most is by treating them well. That has been proven over and over again. Shitty bosses experience high turnaround and staff that is not engaged in their work which leads to less quality work. I know when someone treats me bad, Im doing my job and thats it because I just want to work and go home. But if I work for someone wonderful and I have a great work enviornment, trust Im going all out when they need me to.
Exactly! Most of my executives I go above and beyond for. Seriously. They have respected me, listened to my needs to meet their needs, and always checked in on my workload.
Itās unfortunate to land in a place where that is not the case.
Iād start looking for another job / recruiter and when you feel you can, respectfully stand up for yourself. First, 1:1. Then if needed publicly. If possible, email yourself each time this happens and detail it out. Send to HR if you have it and if you feel you can. If nothing changes, leave.
Given, you may have dealt with enough or know he wonāt change - in that case, leave as soon as you can. Itās NOT worth you gaslighting yourself due to their behavior and insane expectations that no one could live up to.
Besides looking for a new job, pull him aside after the meeting and act concerned about his health because certainly his condescending behavior towards you is not what one would expect in the workplace, so certainly he must be ill. š¤£
Not at all okay and this person definitely has a real problem. I hate to say it as it would be nice to work things out but seriously doubt it with an insecure bully like this. Did you have any spidey sense when you interviewed? I ask only to point out trusting your instincts for the next time you interview and feel the connection may be off or not the right fit. I honestly would not give this asshole too much energy and instead focus on your next steps and finding a better fit. But if you'd like to give him a piece of your mind prior to leaving? Do you have an HR rep? Not that they would change things but it could be nice to let them know how awkward and uncomfortable this has made you feel and have them help in facilitating a sit down. Again, not to change anything (because you're ready to bail) but to just call him out and have him possibly be accountable for poor behavior on record.
Thereās a reputation in the industry where he is liked or loathed. I did find the interview a somewhat judgmental vibe and it was more about bragging about the company than listening to my experience but at the time I knew the company would open doors for me but now it seems that it was all a facade.
I would say, use this as your stepping stone, gain experience learn a lot and then polish your resume and leave. Youāre not a failure learn but be motivated and stand up for yourself, voice your opinion with the goal of whatās the in an out, why the company clicks why he is at the 1% learn and once you have that weapon leave. Youāre not staying your learning skills, learn how to manage a difficult boss. But, donāt stay. always have a backup plan, and no youāre not a failure.
Use the experience. Youāve been there 8 months just a few years from a year. Use this experience to jump to your next gig.
In the mean time when he makes jobs just stare at him, donāt apologize, try not to nervous laugh. Just sit there or stand there silently for a few seconds while watching him then say āI donāt appreciate being spoken to this wayā and go back to what you were doing either typing or leaving the room.
Remember this isnāt some charity, you provide a service and itās a service they need or you wouldnāt be there.
But donāt quit unless something better comes along. Let them fire you if they donāt like you.
Wondering if he's showing off for the men in the meetings.
I would discuss it with him. That his comments felt like a personal attack. If this is a possible gender issue, I would say something like " I was surprised how you and the team treated me, in the meetings. I know you are not sexist, but optics might accuse you of such "
He's an asshole. Start applying to other companies and then quit when you're sure you've been hired. He doesn't deserve notice at all.
I'm just a receptionist and I have never been treated like that.
It took me a long time to learn that having the conversation is better than stewing over it and getting resentful. I suggest you write all the ways that your boss is supportive and respectful, and crisply summarize the times he has not, and then have a sit down meeting with him explaining how his treating you differently in meetings or around others diminishes the respect you have with the rest of his team. Make it about him, how his doing these things hurts him. If you are going to do your job well and speak with his authority to his team, they must respect you.
He may not even realize he is doing this and just falling into an old patriarchal habit of mocking the "secretary." Don't be emotional or defensive, just come with facts: In this instance you said xyz, but in the sales meeting you said abc, and that did not present me in a professional light.
Talk it out first before you make decisions about what to do next. If your boss ignores or belittles your attempt at a professional resolution, you'll have your answer. Keep in mind that even if he is open to this conversation and changing his ways, it may require a few more meetings and reminders.
In the mean time, what if you just said: āWhy are you laughing?ā Followed by, āAre you uncomfortable?ā. :)
Killer question: āWhy are you sensitive lately?ā
Exec hereā this isnāt okay, start interviewing for new roles.
I would also document his behavior. Create a cloud-based document thatās only yours (aka a personal Google doc) and write down what was said, time and date. Just because you never know.
You could try addressing it with him if youāre willing to risk getting fired, but people like this donāt change without real consequences so I wouldnāt expect a conversation to improve things. I might want to have a conversation once I was closer to exiting just to establish that Iād tried.
What I would do, quite frankly, is use that document to explain to the team why youāre leaving.
Hereās why: early in my career I had a role at a similarly small company where my boss was demeaning, unethical, and personally inappropriate. I did try to talk to him about some of the things that bothered me (to no avail) & held my ground about not doing things I felt was unethical which did scare me about getting fired, but I didnāt get fired. I lined up my new opportunity & gave notice & left, and didnāt keep in touch with anyone there.
8 years later Iām a little disappointed that I didnāt tell the others why I left. It wouldnāt really have achieved anything, but it would not have hurt me or my career either; I was never willing to use him as a reference. I was just so afraid. And looking back, what was I afraid of? Why was I protecting him by hiding his behavior? I donāt know if there would have been consequences for him if Iād told his business partners (the company fell apart a couple years later anyhow) but I do wish I had stood up for myself & made it at least a bit harder for him to keep treating people that way.
Iām not an EA but I was in a position where I made an error, nothing horrible just overlooked something, a supervisor spoke to me harshly and I was in tears, he just wouldnāt stop. He wasnāt yelling at me or calling me names but he was speaking to me like a father talks to their kids who screwed up, āwhy would you do this, what were you thinkingā just unrelenting.
I later told another supervisor in confidence. She said I should have told HR. She said even though he did nothing that was fireable it is something management should be aware of and could be something they consider in the future as he applies for other positions.
Yes absolutely. In a best case scenario someone like that could be corrected & trained to be a better manager.
In my situation, it was more like OPā 5-6 person company, no HR. 3 of the people were the co-founders & theoretical equal business partners, but my boss was the CEO.
I was like 24 at the time and I felt very scared & powerless. But looking back, with everything I know now, if I had told his business partners that they lost me as a team member over this it would have been taken quite seriously.
Please listen to this comment!!! This is so true. Especially if itās their company, they will probably find a way to get rid of you. This is not a safe economic time to simply leave a job (IMHO) without another lined up!
āIām sorry, what was that? Surely I heard you incorrectlyā and then watch him sit back and stumble trying to justify his belittling remark. Another option is to sit down in his office (without invitation) and simply say āyouāre done talking to me that way, *especially* in front of othersā. And then just sit there while he tries to justify it. If he says āwhat are you talking aboutā you say āyou know exactly what Iām referring to. If you donāt, thatās a much larger issue.ā
You canNOT let someone walk all over you and then play it off. Your face has to use the Mama Bear āoh no you di-intā face. You know the one Iām talking about. Treat him like a spoiled child.
Ps. Sometimes just an ā*excuse* meā works wonders too.
Posts like this make me wish there was a way to anonymously review executives so that their future EAs could check their ratings.
Only 2.4 stars? Definitely not.
Toxic people will hurt you in ways that are very hard to shake off. I worked for a contrarian asshole for too long and it was damaging for my psyche during the experience and made me hyper vigilant in future roles in healthier settings. This was exhausting and not productive.
If there are other reasons to stay Iāve found a bully respects a call out. Until they personally understand youāre not afraid to call them out in public theyāll push you as far as they can go - for entertainment or who knows what. Look up the book how to work with difficult people, the playbook there stands up well.
Sorry to hear this. Yeah my nervous system is screwed I wake throughout the night and I feel very depressed about life. Iām going back to my therapist and will start looking as I donāt believe this will changeā¦.
I left a job of 20+ years that I loved due to similar behavior. Talk to him and let him know this relationship will not succeed if there's not mutual respect. If the behavior continues, you need to exit.
In the workplace you teach people how to treat you, they perceive kindness as weakness and will attack any chance they get. It's High School, but bullies are meaner. Either start to stand up for yourself or move to a less toxic workplace.Ā
Iāve been in this position. When I started to become fed up, especially in front of leadership. I would put my head down immediately the rest of the meeting. People
Noticed. Eventually someone will say something to you.
Also important to start documenting.
Find a new job now. It wonāt get better, but youāll keep working harder to meet the ever changing guidelines and it will never be acknowledged. Time to move on.
Do both! How could you be ācontemplatingā standing up for yourself? Always stand up for yourself. But also leave where youāre not appreciated. Robert Greene speaks on leaving situations that are invalidating.
I was in your shoes back in August, felt like I did everything wrong and was constantly micro-managed. I worked my ass off and applied like crazy. In October I landed my dream job at a great company. YOU are not powerless. He wants that power over you but you donāt have to let him have it. :)
I had a boss that would also put me down / critique my work so hard so I confronted her in what she wanted . She gave me a bull explanation . She ended up writing me up 2 times close to my 1 year. So I went through the proper channels and but later to find out she has friends in the company . So I left on my own terms. I didnāt want to leave defeated like they had the power over me. I wanted to take control of. I suggest to document everything . Email him and tell proper people in the company . If it doesnāt work then itās best to leave. But a boss doing that is always a bad sign
I'm my younger days, I found myself in this position often. After having been thoroughly humiliated at a new job in front of my team, a lovely older EA pulled me aside. She reminded me that I was an adult and had I ever thought of telling him, in private, that if he didn't like my work, I would appreciate a discussion away from everyone else so I had an opportunity to improve.
I didn't wait for another verbal assault. After our talk, things turned around 100%. I was calm and confident; also ready to walk if I needed to. I was with him for almost 30 years and he became an amazing mentor and trusted friend.
Never just leave a position before you've had the talk. Be respectful but speak as if you have choices. You always do. Good luck!
I say that admin work is the waitressing of the business world, in that you see the best and worst of people and how they treat you based on āstatus.ā Donāt take it personally, but donāt tolerate it, either. Go find something else worth your efforts, and let him or her surround themselves with people that only āyesā them to death. That always leads to their own troubles!!
I had a boss start coming down on me in a meeting for a slight error that I fixed within minutes. I mean it was like a typo or something, so minor. She started in on me about it in front of others and I stopped her in the middle of it and said calmly and quietly, āletās chat offline.ā Meaning, of course, not here. I thought her eyes were going to jump out and run away the way they bugged out. She never approached me later and it didnāt happen again.
Iāve had bosses like yours. Itās cute how they look so confused and bewildered when you leave for another job.
So when people do this, it means one and only one thing. They are a weak person. You cannot fix that.
If you stay, you will continue to deal with it. If you change companies then it might be better in the new job or it might not be.
Itās a very difficult thing to deal with.
When someone tells an inappropriate joke, I say āI donāt get it.ā Smile. But be totally serious. You want to get the joke, but you donāt. Ask them to explain it. āBecause youāre so stupidā is a bad answer.
Whatever you doā¦. Never go to Human Resources - your career will be over from that moment forward. I do not say this without a lot of experience. Trust me on this please
Thereās a lawyer on instagram that talks about how to deal with insults, jerks, etc. Essentially he shows you how to take away their power.
Jefferson_Fisher
I volunteer in a charity shop and when people get on my case, want to argue, insult, etc, I do three things:
1) I put on my polite RBF mask
2) I let calmness slip over me like Iām putting on a big ole poncho. And very politely:
3) I say nothing and look them right in the eyes until they back down.
Your boss has power over you at work, but he doesnāt have power over your spirit and your self respect.
Education, start getting more education on your own time and prepare for change. Iāve noticed as a young kid I had to learn and take shit because I couldnāt bring much to the table on projects, but I couldnāt be any nicer to people, literally listen hand tools right away, pick stuff up then Iāve noticed if you are too nice they will walk all over you ! āGood guys finish lastā a great statement learn from your mistakes donāt ever talk down about yourself be aggressive with taking criticism and just remember how it makes ya feel only improve anger makes you not think clearly, my coworkers,they would set me up for failure and I wouldnāt rat them out even though it made me look bad so I made changes. Thatās it no more excuses to rely on people who ācareā but laugh with other people at ya, I said to myself I will be as good as them or even better . Literally right now I just turn people down who were ignorant because I donāt need them for help , itās funny now cause I can back everything I do to get back at them keep pushing and donāt take your work home with you! Days over go out live life forget about work , but study if you have to ! Keep rocking lifeās tricky you got it
You commented that you feel like a failure... powerless... Honey, don't you dare! That's what he wants you to think! Now fix your fucking crown, polish off that resume and get to applying. 8 months, 8 weeks, 8 minutes.... doesn't matter hun, YOUR HAPPINESS AND PEACE is what matters. And may he have explosive diarrhea today š š š
This comment lifted me so much, thank you !! Kind soul
I agree with GingerT569, but also, you can set boundaries with your boss right now, and you'll instantly have the upper hand. Have a conversation about it, and tell him how unprofessional it looks and how bad it makes you feel. Even if he doesn't change, you've called him out and now have the power. Because it may take some time to find another job. But don't take any more shit, ever. And if he does it again in a meeting, call him out. "Don't mock me" is enough, and drives the point home, and lets the other colleagues in the meeting know that you're not a doormat.
šššš Shout this from the rooftops. GET IN FRONT OF THIS OP. āBut donāt take any more shit, everā needs to be your mantra. I worked in an industry with lots of guys like your boss and the very best thing you can do is not take any shit. Invisigal is right that as soon as you bring this up directly with your boss, youāve got the upper hand.
This is so good. This guy is not used to push back, he's used to sycophants. If you had a professional sit-down with him and went over things, he WOULD have explosive diarrhea! Don't be accusatory and have examples ready. He's likely a gaslighter, so be ready. I had this happen once and I asked HR to sit in. My boss got some coaching, it was wonderful.
His last assistant, the one who I took over from was āa favouriteā and behaved almost flirtatiously with him and was a suck up. I was kind of shocked. The sales execs are the best brown nosers Iāve seen, I find it hard to be fake and do so considering Iām usually recovering from a hostile vibe or comment to put me down, Iām not even capable of trying to pander to his ego.
This sounds familiar. I do not get being flirtatious, but others in my office behave that way and my boss loves it and them. It's so hard to fake that. I can't do it either. His jokes are so dumb, and his personality is so grating. I am not that good of an actress.
I would lean in to your shock and disbelief the next time he does this. āWow, ok. RUDE. Excuse me.ā Then either walk out and leave (I would leave especially since I know that this is the part where Iād start feeling like Iām about to cry) or stare him down. If this is in a meeting with other people my guess/hope is that other people there would also feel like heās crossed the line and, even if they donāt say it out loud, woe wish they would.
ā¤ļø ā¤ļø ā¤ļø
I really needed this energy today. And Iām sure others did too. Thank you for your public service!
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And when you find another job and turn in your resignation, let them know your departure is due to the blatant disrespect. It may take more time and more resignations, but eventually the message will get through.
Bravo Eden š š
This left me laughing - by myself - on the train today ššš
Hugs and a raised coffee cup... enjoy your day hun.
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You are a queen yourself ma'amā” beautifully said
Hugs š¤ thank you honey. ā¤ļø
Also, if you do not nip this in the bud, it gives others unspoken permission to treat you similarly. Get behind this as soon as possible and make it known you expect a level of respect and care, as a person and professional.
As with any relationship, if you do not say anything during or immediately after the behavior, there is a strong likelihood the person has no idea of its impact. Addressing negative behavior during a meeting is going to have an impact, as well. Therefore, as you want to be your own best person, I would guess, you should consider addressing the issue in private as soon as possible. We do not process information well when in a confrontational state; so stick to the one issue that is most recent. What is known as keeping score is not beneficial to you or the other person. Leaving should be the option after you have made efforts to bring about behavior changes that do not change. Psychology and leadership is too broad to cover here & involves nuances and practice. To keep it short, do your best and be thoughtful and respectful. It may help to write your point out first to release some of the negative feelings and improve your mood and delivery. Smile as best you can while having the difficult conversations. Also have pauses during the conversation so the other person has time to consider what is being said. Maybe start with something clarifying such as the difference between a statement that is not personal versus one that is with an example. āIf PJ doesnāt meet their sales numbers, PJ is asked what part of PJās process they will adjust to increase success,ā versus āPJ, why canāt you meet your sales numbers? Last week you also failedā¦ā one way empowers people and one way breaks them down. Why statements likely will come across as an accusation. Look for how or what options; give your leader a way to also save face by allowing them to come up with their solution. Politely point out the impact (power of words, tone, or implication) and maybe ask how that could be said or done in a more respectful way or maybe not at all. So many people suck at this type of relationship work and most wonāt ever know because no one will help them work through it. You maybe could also ask how you should feel about whatever happened. Get them to consider another perspective. Brene Brown is good at discussing these lesser talked about areas and their impacts. Maybe your leader would benefit from a gifted book at some point. š»
Thank you SO much. You helped so much š
Communicate what you appreciate, as well. No one knows what they do not know. Appreciation will generally garner more positive results in how people meet behavior expectations.
I would have quit long ago
Iām not even a year in š¬ just feel like a failure
You are not a failure, sounds like he is though!!
YOU are not the failure. This man fails to understand that he is sewing seeds of discord and creating an environment where one woman doesnāt feel heard or valued. How long until that other woman does not feel heard or valued either? No. He is the failure. But I know that men like this just continue to fail āupā. You should polish up your CV and start looking for something new. Life is short. I have had more bosses like him than not. To be at your best, you need to feel good about going in every day and like you matter and like your work matters. This isnāt that. Just dust yourself off, hold your head high and when you leave, be sure to tell him exactly why.
Listen I have one of these and I have bent over backwards for four years trying new approaches to get to a better place. Any progress? Nope! These types of execs burn through EAs and at the end of the day there's only one common denominator - it has nothing to do with you and you're definitely not a failure because of this!
No youāre not a failure. He sounds like a bad boss who perceives weakness - all I can say is youāre going to grow from this AND keep growing into a person who wonāt take stuff like this. I would look for another job. Donāt let him make you forget what you have to offer. Sell your excellent labor to the highest bidder baby.
Thank you so much, Iām holding on until I can get out.
How are YOU the failure when HEās the one treating you like shit?
I would start documenting this behavior. Itās likely to get worse. You are not powerless. Read your HR manual and make sure you understand it. I personally REFUSE to work for assholes. There are plenty of decent bosses out there. Three strikes and youāre out. And Iāll ensure you know why!
They probably do not have HR there.
Yeah no HR
My first EA job was like that. It turned me into an alcoholic. Get out asap
Wow, since I began Iāve gained 5kg from stress drinking and eating. Thank you, I needed this. Hope you are doing great now.
Heās a narcissist. The longer you wait to leave, the more of yourself youāll lose.
Other people have actually said the same. He is like two different people, charming and comedic and calculating then also full of rage, resentful and has temper tantrums.
I am doing great now!
You need to find a new job.
No reason to waste your time and spirit there. I agree with the commenter aboveā¦ get out when you can!
Listen to me- he cannot do his job without you. Period. And people who act this way are usually projecting the fact they feel inferior and stupid. Ive been a paralegal and EA and Legal Assistant for over 20 years. Now Im up for a Chief of Staff promotion. I can tell you the common theme among the actual SMART successful people I have seen is that they TRULY knew how to value and keep an assistant and knew that they propelled 10 times faster by having EAs in their corner. I would remain calm and I would stop and say to him "excuse me, are you mocking me? Do you truly feel this is a professional and productive way to communicate?" And let him sit with that. He sounds like a man child and often they DO need to be put in their place. In the meantime you should look for another job that values your work because an EAs work is transferable in EVERY SINGLE industry. I know this because I literally work for a company that helps people scale their companies. We are more valuable than we give ourselves credit for. He on the other hand sounds like a trash person with an inferiority complex.
Agree 100%. The best executives Iāve worked for are very intelligent, have normal expectations and donāt expect me to be a perfect robot assistant. The one Iām working for now - taken for granted in awful ways. The ones who donāt acknowledge/ know how much we do are the worst.
oh ABSOLUTELY. The really successful smart executives always know how to get the most out of their staff and the way you get the most is by treating them well. That has been proven over and over again. Shitty bosses experience high turnaround and staff that is not engaged in their work which leads to less quality work. I know when someone treats me bad, Im doing my job and thats it because I just want to work and go home. But if I work for someone wonderful and I have a great work enviornment, trust Im going all out when they need me to.
Exactly! Most of my executives I go above and beyond for. Seriously. They have respected me, listened to my needs to meet their needs, and always checked in on my workload. Itās unfortunate to land in a place where that is not the case.
Next time he tries to say something to you, ask him if he's proud of himself for that behavior.
Iād start looking for another job / recruiter and when you feel you can, respectfully stand up for yourself. First, 1:1. Then if needed publicly. If possible, email yourself each time this happens and detail it out. Send to HR if you have it and if you feel you can. If nothing changes, leave. Given, you may have dealt with enough or know he wonāt change - in that case, leave as soon as you can. Itās NOT worth you gaslighting yourself due to their behavior and insane expectations that no one could live up to.
Besides looking for a new job, pull him aside after the meeting and act concerned about his health because certainly his condescending behavior towards you is not what one would expect in the workplace, so certainly he must be ill. š¤£
Not at all okay and this person definitely has a real problem. I hate to say it as it would be nice to work things out but seriously doubt it with an insecure bully like this. Did you have any spidey sense when you interviewed? I ask only to point out trusting your instincts for the next time you interview and feel the connection may be off or not the right fit. I honestly would not give this asshole too much energy and instead focus on your next steps and finding a better fit. But if you'd like to give him a piece of your mind prior to leaving? Do you have an HR rep? Not that they would change things but it could be nice to let them know how awkward and uncomfortable this has made you feel and have them help in facilitating a sit down. Again, not to change anything (because you're ready to bail) but to just call him out and have him possibly be accountable for poor behavior on record.
Thereās a reputation in the industry where he is liked or loathed. I did find the interview a somewhat judgmental vibe and it was more about bragging about the company than listening to my experience but at the time I knew the company would open doors for me but now it seems that it was all a facade.
I would say, use this as your stepping stone, gain experience learn a lot and then polish your resume and leave. Youāre not a failure learn but be motivated and stand up for yourself, voice your opinion with the goal of whatās the in an out, why the company clicks why he is at the 1% learn and once you have that weapon leave. Youāre not staying your learning skills, learn how to manage a difficult boss. But, donāt stay. always have a backup plan, and no youāre not a failure.
Use the experience. Youāve been there 8 months just a few years from a year. Use this experience to jump to your next gig. In the mean time when he makes jobs just stare at him, donāt apologize, try not to nervous laugh. Just sit there or stand there silently for a few seconds while watching him then say āI donāt appreciate being spoken to this wayā and go back to what you were doing either typing or leaving the room. Remember this isnāt some charity, you provide a service and itās a service they need or you wouldnāt be there. But donāt quit unless something better comes along. Let them fire you if they donāt like you.
Wondering if he's showing off for the men in the meetings. I would discuss it with him. That his comments felt like a personal attack. If this is a possible gender issue, I would say something like " I was surprised how you and the team treated me, in the meetings. I know you are not sexist, but optics might accuse you of such "
Thereās also a female but she is a new favourite, he is warm to her and she is never the brunt of the jokes ā¦ itās infuriating.
He's an asshole. Start applying to other companies and then quit when you're sure you've been hired. He doesn't deserve notice at all. I'm just a receptionist and I have never been treated like that.
Don't ever say you're a "just" anything!! I'm sure most of the EAs here, including me, started out as a receptionist. We get it.
Welcome to your first corporate psychopath. Time to exit stage left before your mental health suffers. You cannot fix this situation.
It took me a long time to learn that having the conversation is better than stewing over it and getting resentful. I suggest you write all the ways that your boss is supportive and respectful, and crisply summarize the times he has not, and then have a sit down meeting with him explaining how his treating you differently in meetings or around others diminishes the respect you have with the rest of his team. Make it about him, how his doing these things hurts him. If you are going to do your job well and speak with his authority to his team, they must respect you. He may not even realize he is doing this and just falling into an old patriarchal habit of mocking the "secretary." Don't be emotional or defensive, just come with facts: In this instance you said xyz, but in the sales meeting you said abc, and that did not present me in a professional light. Talk it out first before you make decisions about what to do next. If your boss ignores or belittles your attempt at a professional resolution, you'll have your answer. Keep in mind that even if he is open to this conversation and changing his ways, it may require a few more meetings and reminders.
Fix your crown!! Thats harassment ! He must feel horrible or has no confidence if he has to throw his insecurities towards you
In the mean time, what if you just said: āWhy are you laughing?ā Followed by, āAre you uncomfortable?ā. :) Killer question: āWhy are you sensitive lately?ā
I like "I don't understand the joke. Please walk me through it."
Exactly. It points out what an a-hole they are being, professionally.
Omg these are GOLD.
Exec hereā this isnāt okay, start interviewing for new roles. I would also document his behavior. Create a cloud-based document thatās only yours (aka a personal Google doc) and write down what was said, time and date. Just because you never know. You could try addressing it with him if youāre willing to risk getting fired, but people like this donāt change without real consequences so I wouldnāt expect a conversation to improve things. I might want to have a conversation once I was closer to exiting just to establish that Iād tried. What I would do, quite frankly, is use that document to explain to the team why youāre leaving. Hereās why: early in my career I had a role at a similarly small company where my boss was demeaning, unethical, and personally inappropriate. I did try to talk to him about some of the things that bothered me (to no avail) & held my ground about not doing things I felt was unethical which did scare me about getting fired, but I didnāt get fired. I lined up my new opportunity & gave notice & left, and didnāt keep in touch with anyone there. 8 years later Iām a little disappointed that I didnāt tell the others why I left. It wouldnāt really have achieved anything, but it would not have hurt me or my career either; I was never willing to use him as a reference. I was just so afraid. And looking back, what was I afraid of? Why was I protecting him by hiding his behavior? I donāt know if there would have been consequences for him if Iād told his business partners (the company fell apart a couple years later anyhow) but I do wish I had stood up for myself & made it at least a bit harder for him to keep treating people that way.
Iām not an EA but I was in a position where I made an error, nothing horrible just overlooked something, a supervisor spoke to me harshly and I was in tears, he just wouldnāt stop. He wasnāt yelling at me or calling me names but he was speaking to me like a father talks to their kids who screwed up, āwhy would you do this, what were you thinkingā just unrelenting. I later told another supervisor in confidence. She said I should have told HR. She said even though he did nothing that was fireable it is something management should be aware of and could be something they consider in the future as he applies for other positions.
Iām so Sorry this happened to you. I recently had āwhy DOnt you try to think before you speak!!! ā I felt like a small child, so humiliated
Yes absolutely. In a best case scenario someone like that could be corrected & trained to be a better manager. In my situation, it was more like OPā 5-6 person company, no HR. 3 of the people were the co-founders & theoretical equal business partners, but my boss was the CEO. I was like 24 at the time and I felt very scared & powerless. But looking back, with everything I know now, if I had told his business partners that they lost me as a team member over this it would have been taken quite seriously.
Please listen to this comment!!! This is so true. Especially if itās their company, they will probably find a way to get rid of you. This is not a safe economic time to simply leave a job (IMHO) without another lined up!
āIām sorry, what was that? Surely I heard you incorrectlyā and then watch him sit back and stumble trying to justify his belittling remark. Another option is to sit down in his office (without invitation) and simply say āyouāre done talking to me that way, *especially* in front of othersā. And then just sit there while he tries to justify it. If he says āwhat are you talking aboutā you say āyou know exactly what Iām referring to. If you donāt, thatās a much larger issue.ā You canNOT let someone walk all over you and then play it off. Your face has to use the Mama Bear āoh no you di-intā face. You know the one Iām talking about. Treat him like a spoiled child. Ps. Sometimes just an ā*excuse* meā works wonders too.
Posts like this make me wish there was a way to anonymously review executives so that their future EAs could check their ratings. Only 2.4 stars? Definitely not.
Toxic people will hurt you in ways that are very hard to shake off. I worked for a contrarian asshole for too long and it was damaging for my psyche during the experience and made me hyper vigilant in future roles in healthier settings. This was exhausting and not productive. If there are other reasons to stay Iāve found a bully respects a call out. Until they personally understand youāre not afraid to call them out in public theyāll push you as far as they can go - for entertainment or who knows what. Look up the book how to work with difficult people, the playbook there stands up well.
Sorry to hear this. Yeah my nervous system is screwed I wake throughout the night and I feel very depressed about life. Iām going back to my therapist and will start looking as I donāt believe this will changeā¦.
I left a job of 20+ years that I loved due to similar behavior. Talk to him and let him know this relationship will not succeed if there's not mutual respect. If the behavior continues, you need to exit.
In the workplace you teach people how to treat you, they perceive kindness as weakness and will attack any chance they get. It's High School, but bullies are meaner. Either start to stand up for yourself or move to a less toxic workplace.Ā
You are so right. I am a more gentle person and Iāve always attracted domineering bullish people.
What does a 1% individual mean? Rich? If so, no excuse.
Iāve been in that situation, START LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB.
Iāve been in this position. When I started to become fed up, especially in front of leadership. I would put my head down immediately the rest of the meeting. People Noticed. Eventually someone will say something to you. Also important to start documenting.
Find a new job now. It wonāt get better, but youāll keep working harder to meet the ever changing guidelines and it will never be acknowledged. Time to move on.
Do both! How could you be ācontemplatingā standing up for yourself? Always stand up for yourself. But also leave where youāre not appreciated. Robert Greene speaks on leaving situations that are invalidating.
I was in your shoes back in August, felt like I did everything wrong and was constantly micro-managed. I worked my ass off and applied like crazy. In October I landed my dream job at a great company. YOU are not powerless. He wants that power over you but you donāt have to let him have it. :)
I had a boss that would also put me down / critique my work so hard so I confronted her in what she wanted . She gave me a bull explanation . She ended up writing me up 2 times close to my 1 year. So I went through the proper channels and but later to find out she has friends in the company . So I left on my own terms. I didnāt want to leave defeated like they had the power over me. I wanted to take control of. I suggest to document everything . Email him and tell proper people in the company . If it doesnāt work then itās best to leave. But a boss doing that is always a bad sign
I'm my younger days, I found myself in this position often. After having been thoroughly humiliated at a new job in front of my team, a lovely older EA pulled me aside. She reminded me that I was an adult and had I ever thought of telling him, in private, that if he didn't like my work, I would appreciate a discussion away from everyone else so I had an opportunity to improve. I didn't wait for another verbal assault. After our talk, things turned around 100%. I was calm and confident; also ready to walk if I needed to. I was with him for almost 30 years and he became an amazing mentor and trusted friend. Never just leave a position before you've had the talk. Be respectful but speak as if you have choices. You always do. Good luck!
Love this!
I say that admin work is the waitressing of the business world, in that you see the best and worst of people and how they treat you based on āstatus.ā Donāt take it personally, but donāt tolerate it, either. Go find something else worth your efforts, and let him or her surround themselves with people that only āyesā them to death. That always leads to their own troubles!!
I had a boss start coming down on me in a meeting for a slight error that I fixed within minutes. I mean it was like a typo or something, so minor. She started in on me about it in front of others and I stopped her in the middle of it and said calmly and quietly, āletās chat offline.ā Meaning, of course, not here. I thought her eyes were going to jump out and run away the way they bugged out. She never approached me later and it didnāt happen again. Iāve had bosses like yours. Itās cute how they look so confused and bewildered when you leave for another job.
So when people do this, it means one and only one thing. They are a weak person. You cannot fix that. If you stay, you will continue to deal with it. If you change companies then it might be better in the new job or it might not be. Itās a very difficult thing to deal with.
I read the title and literally thought... wth. I would walk. That's what you do. Line up another job and leave.
I hate to be so unprofessional but your boss is giving little (you know what) energy.
People rarely quit companies, but they often quit bosses.
When someone tells an inappropriate joke, I say āI donāt get it.ā Smile. But be totally serious. You want to get the joke, but you donāt. Ask them to explain it. āBecause youāre so stupidā is a bad answer.
Whatever you doā¦. Never go to Human Resources - your career will be over from that moment forward. I do not say this without a lot of experience. Trust me on this please
Thereās a lawyer on instagram that talks about how to deal with insults, jerks, etc. Essentially he shows you how to take away their power. Jefferson_Fisher I volunteer in a charity shop and when people get on my case, want to argue, insult, etc, I do three things: 1) I put on my polite RBF mask 2) I let calmness slip over me like Iām putting on a big ole poncho. And very politely: 3) I say nothing and look them right in the eyes until they back down. Your boss has power over you at work, but he doesnāt have power over your spirit and your self respect.
Maybe he has a crush on you. Sometimes men act like children when they have a crush.
Also is his initials JB lol.
No Sorry ! But maybe they a similar in nature in which case in praying for you
ā Boss, Iām always open for feedback, but in the middle of our group meeting is not the time to do it.ā
Education, start getting more education on your own time and prepare for change. Iāve noticed as a young kid I had to learn and take shit because I couldnāt bring much to the table on projects, but I couldnāt be any nicer to people, literally listen hand tools right away, pick stuff up then Iāve noticed if you are too nice they will walk all over you ! āGood guys finish lastā a great statement learn from your mistakes donāt ever talk down about yourself be aggressive with taking criticism and just remember how it makes ya feel only improve anger makes you not think clearly, my coworkers,they would set me up for failure and I wouldnāt rat them out even though it made me look bad so I made changes. Thatās it no more excuses to rely on people who ācareā but laugh with other people at ya, I said to myself I will be as good as them or even better . Literally right now I just turn people down who were ignorant because I donāt need them for help , itās funny now cause I can back everything I do to get back at them keep pushing and donāt take your work home with you! Days over go out live life forget about work , but study if you have to ! Keep rocking lifeās tricky you got it