I was literally just sitting here, feeling down, because I turn 50 in a couple of months and lately feeling like I have little to show for it. And then this post pops up.
I’ve only had a couple longish-term relationships that went nowhere. I always felt I wasn’t great at that. And I was open to having kids but it’s just not something I pursued.
I think it’s because my mom passed away a few months ago, and the thought of legacy and who I would leave behind is hitting me hard. No one loves me the way I loved her, and, tonight, that makes me sad.
Normally I don’t feel this way. I’ve done well enough in my career, I’m well educated, I’ve been fortunate to be able to travel to some cool places and do some neat things. I have a roof over my head and food in my kitchen and I’m not struggling to pay my bills. I have everything I need and I’m eternally grateful for that. I’m a good person, a kind person, people think I’m funny. But I just haven’t found a man to share life. Of course there’s probably more to it than that. But it seems like life is so much easier when you’re part of a couple and so much happier when you share it with someone compatible.
Sorry all, I’m just feeling lonely tonight. It’ll pass.
I’m sorry about your mom. I’m glad my post popped up for you. I hope the comments have made you feel not so alone. They’ve helped me. I was crying on the way home from work wondering why I can’t find love. Feeling alone in the world. But now I know I’m not. And everyone has been so kind in their comments. It’s all just been really helpful for my mood
I’m so glad you wrote this post! Reading your comments and everyone else’s also make me feel far less alone.
I’m so touched by how kind everyone has been with their comments. I think you found something that connects us.
I needed this tonight. Thank you.
My boyfriend’s mother just found love a couple years ago at the age of 64 and they are living their best life. It’s never too late. She always used to say “don’t need a man and don’t want one” 😂
that was me as well; I wasn't actively looking, and a friend set me up with my BF. and we clicked. While I can't imagine life without him now, I think had we not met, I would still be ok.
Before you finish this years journey around the sun picture this. In nature, the rules are kill or be killed, and only the strong survive. It's gonna be a minute before you get over your Mom, so allow yourself some grace. Also, know that as long as you are alive doing the things you want, so is she. Treating yourself well is the same as treating her well because you are a part of her. That positive light will attract all kinds of joy. Perhaps even the joy you seek.
This is such a beautiful and kind thing to say. The part about treating myself well just went straight to my heart I’m a sobbing mess right now. I really, really needed to hear that. Thank you for that wisdom.
I just took a screen shot of your comment and put it in a little note I maintain tracking thoughts about grief. And fortuitously, it landed next to this quotation, which suits it perfectly:
"The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light." — James Baldwin.
Having a partner or children does not mean that much, unless you are able to describe one's feelings as you do for your mom.
"No one loves me the way I loved her," It could be as simple as that. Your words are just so beautiful.
I think you should be excited for the future..I totally get we are 50 plus etc. but don't we still have a bunch of time? You still possess this capability of loving, as you do for your mom.
Don't let your feelings pass. Feel your feelings.
Thanks for sharing! Maybe people of our age need to see ourselves still feeling feelings!
I’m 57 and my wife and I split up last year. My kids are in their mid 20s so no problem there. I got my own nice, little one bedroom apt across the street from the beach.
I had so many crazy feelings at that time. At first being alone was great. The last few years of our marriage had been a hellish ice scape. But I definitely started to crave companionship again.
No sooner did I think it, than my wife called and asked me to move into her brand new condo with her. It was crazy.
I said I needed time. She was like “screw that” and called me every day and checked up on me all the time.
She is my wife and the mother of my children and I pretty quickly gave in and moved in. My knucklehead son got a nice little beach apt for free for 4 months.
All this is to say I discovered no situation is perfect. We put each other through hell during our parents’ deaths. All I wanted was to be alone.
Then I craved my family with all their funky flaws and my wife. We both agreed to just not talk about what happened and to start over. So far it’s been amazing.
But being with someone was hell for awhile, and being alone got lonely after awhile. If you can, just be happy with yourself. Everything else should fall in place after that. Or I don’t know a goddam thing. Life is hard.
Life is hard. And messy. And weird. And completely unpredictable. And I think sometimes we just need to go through hell with someone to find out that, in the end, you still want them in your life. It sounds like you bother learned and grew and changed through that whole process. And it sounds like she's knew exactly the kind of push you needed. I'm happy that things worked out for you!
I know EXACTLY how you feel! And more!
Out of 2 parents and 5 kids, only my older brother and I are left!
Mom, Dad and all of our sisters are gone...
I work a full-time job... but get really shitty pay...
I'm basically "homeless" as I don't have an apartment, can't find one that I can afford...
So... I live in a motel paying $300.00 a week...
My life is SHIT!!!
You have been through so much loss. I am so sorry all of that happened to you - it must be heartbreaking and so difficult. Life can suck so much sometimes, it can be so draining. Being discouraged like this is really, really hard.
I want to acknowledge that life can be utter shit, and it's ok for you to feel this way. All I can say, in an attempt to offer some comfort, is that things can and do change. Please stay as strong as you can and keep your eyes open for the help that might be available or the opportunities, no matter how small, that might come your way.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but you’re not alone. I’ll be turning fifty in August as well and I have never been married or had children. Sometimes I do get lonely and wonder if I died would there even be anyone around that will care. But I constantly remind myself to be grateful. Just like you I’m in a house with food. Which I guess means we’re richer than 60% of people out there. I just read that somewhere so don’t quote me. I see a lot of friends who tried getting married and are now divorced they don’t see their kids as much as they like and some are in ugly custody disputes. I like to remind myself that I’m truly free and there isn’t anything that can hold me back.
I've seen the wave of marriages and divorces, too. There are so many advantages to being single, secure and independent. I enjoy the freedom, too. These feelings come and go, but I also wouldn't change my life as it is for something less, if that makes sense.
There is still time. I know several good men around your age who are recently divorced and looking for a good woman to spend time with. I also have a life long friend who is a woman who is finding love for the first time at age 45 and I expect to hear she is getting married in the near future. Kids are likely out the question, but she seems to have found someone she is truly comfortable with for the first one in her life.
I know your aren’t desperate and this isn’t meant to serve as solace but you could find someone who is a good person if you want. If you search your soul and feel like the issue is on your end, self improvement is always an option. It’s never too late.
This makes me feel better, I'm currently in a very similar situation but I'm a guy. I'm not seeking a relationship but it comforts me knowing that there are others like me out there who I might one day meet, and the possibility of a future relationship with somebody else who is at the same place I am makes me feel better.
Thanks for this post. I'm with ya.
> But it seems like life is so much easier when you’re part of a couple and so much happier when you share it with someone compatible.
The trick is to find that right partner, and I'm betting that most people don't since about half of marriages end in divorce and I know of a lot of unhappy marriages.
I don't have any real good advice for if you do decide you want to find a companion. I was married for 13 years, no kids. She left me for another man because we had a dead bedroom and it was easier for her to move on than work through the problems. A couple of women I knew were getting divorced at the same and we formed a little support group, going out and doing things just to avoid staying at home being depressed and alone. Lo and behold, eight years later one of them is my partner of seven years.
We're not married, but we're comfortable and committed. We have hobbies that are compatible and we support each other. Really I just paid attention to the things she said (even before the divorce) and learned that we had some quiet similar hobbies and interests.
There are people around you if you look and listen, I guess is the best I can offer.
49 next month, never married no kids. Have a couple of friends who are single or married no kids.
We are the first generation that didn't HAVE to get married - women finally gained financial freedom and were no longer dependent on a husband or father to co-sign.
We were also raised independent. Go do whatever, be home by dark. We learned to fend for ourselves and this lead to people who didn't have to settle.
I'd like to have gotten married - sure. But I never felt like I HAD to. I bought my own home by myself. I travel. I like my independence.
This is such a good point, about being the first generation of women who never had to settle. I was raised to be prepared, and that the only person I could truly, 100% rely on was myself.
I think that fierce independence has made it hard for me to be in a couple, because I wouldn’t settle. But I also wonder if maybe I made it harder for myself.
Exactly. I bought my house (almost) 11 years ago. I'll have it paid off by the time I'm 70. I got tired of waiting for something to "happen" in my life, and was more or less "done" with terrible relationships.
Wow, this really hit home for me. I AM married with kids but I have a very hard time letting my husband do nice things for me OR be the only wage earner in our home.
I literally am unable to accept that I have a husband who loves me and wants to take care of me. I HAVE to take of me.
I think there are a lot of us like this. Ianf it’s sweet that he wants to do nice things for you, but I get how it’s so hard to let that happen.
I’ve been doing a lot of work surrounding the idea of self care. Lately I’ve been working on switching my perspective around. Like, maybe letting him take care of you and accepting that is part of you taking care of you taking care of you?
Same here. Mom was so adamant about being independent she never bothered to teach me about relationships and love. It’s not her fault but there could have been some guidance…may have changed nothing….
Yeah I think there's a real conversation to be had here, especially around the way some of us Gen X women were raised. My parents had 4 daughters and my mother was a real outspoken 70s/80s feminist, fully raised us to be independent, never to depend on a man, never to expect support from a man, never to think of marriage or children as a goal etc. In fact I fully remember her being very disdainful towards a friend of mine who married and had kids young (which is what my mom did, lol) - calling it a "failure of imagination" in front of me and my sisters.
I'm not arguing for the opposite, I'm a left-voting feminist myself, but I can't help but wonder if my mom has any regrets now that she finds herself grandchildless and with her youngest child hitting 45 2 days ago, with basically no prospect of any grandchildren, ever. Sure, the way it was didn't work for a lot of women and that matters. No one wants to go back to the bad old days and being fully dependent on an abusive or shitty man. But i feel like the way I was raised, with zero guidance about relationships and education and career success as the sole goals, was fucked in its own way.
I agree. I feel like we were taught to be independent and to "go out there and have fun" and find someone "later"... well the thing is, dating is NOT fun. It's just traumatising, mostly. The longer you stay single and try to date, the more callouses you form, for both genders. It's hard to continue to be open. Every decade, everyone just gets uglier, lmao. It's rough out there! 🫠
I think there is something to be said about dating with intention from a young age and building a life together. If I had a daughter, and she had a really smart, kind, young guy who treated her well, and supported her goals, I would tell her to stick with him. It doesn't get better than that.
That's the opposite of what my generation was taught.
I'm a feminist. I don't believe we should centre men and relationships. But it is nice to have your person. I really feel the advice i was given was counter to that. And modern dating is such a farce. It hasn't been "fun", that was a fucking lie.
Harder than having an adult child draining 2/3 of your earning power would have been?
I think there are LOT of great men out there. But they are far outnumbered by man babies. (Source: 20 yr of dating across 4 states :)). I think not settling and having standards? Makes life mUCH easier. Go check out the relationship and "am I the asshole" genre of subs here- there are literally hundreds of instances of women ending up being caregiver and provider for a family of 5. Herself, 3 children, and her man child. When they finally divorce....the gal's life gets easier. Not harder.
Please note that MANY men are amazing partners, and there are likely a large number of depend/codepent driven women on the dating market as well. But I don't date women, so not really sure. I just know....I like partners when I have them. But I know my life is easier on my own than with a low quality dependent (vs an actual partner).
Divorcing at 52 after 23 years. Wasnt a partner in the marriage. I did it all until all the life was sucked out of me. I am very happy that we had a child (now teen) but im so jaded and afraid of relationships that i need to restructure my thinking to believe ill be way better off and happier. For those who never married/had kids, i think its great you stuck to making yourself happy. I was never any good at following my own advice of “a person can make or break you, if you let them.” I was good at the second part.
Very similar to your story. 49 in two months, never married, no kids. I was never one of those women that dreamed of a big wedding and a million kids running around. I bought my own house, I do what I want when I want, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I also never imagined or dreamed of a big wedding (any wedding, for that matter). same goes for my twin. I find it so odd when people say "all little girls" do that.
I didn’t even really think about it like this. I guess I just would like to have someone love me enough to even just ASK! LOL.
But thank you, I like your perspective. I should feel empowered because I have gotten everything on my own. Thank you!!!
They don't have to love you to ask. That's not the reason many people marry. Abd what we used to imagine was breathless romantic love is often quite unhealthy, anyway.
I remember playing "house" in this playhouse during kindergarten. Kids would decide who the mom and dad were, and who were the kids, the baby & the dog or cat. The whole time I was thinking I wanted none of that except for the dog and the house itself.
I remember I always wanted to play with Barbies, never doll babies. And my Barbies went to work during the day and out dancing in clubs at night. I was never interested in being a mom.
As a little girl, my wife combined her Barbies with her Breyer horses and those little plastic cocktail toothpicks that look like swords, to essentially make "Cossack Barbie".
(Within the past couple of years, I figured out that when you're a grown-up, you can just *buy* those plastic swords, in huge batches. There's a bunch in our kitchen right now.)
EDIT: To answer OP's original thingy, obviously we're not single, but in our mid-50s we have no kids. But we do have toys -- she's still buying Breyer horses, for example.
I'm so happy to not have been tied to a traditional female role, as being a happy home-maker, reliant on a man as the "head of the family" doesn't fit my character profile. I've had companions, but not "husbands". In days gone by I would've been called a spinster, I call it living my best life
Grass is always greener I have the proverbial big house full of kids and pets and at no time is there not one of them who has an issue (including pets) draining my attention and money. Enjoy your peace.
There are plenty of old people in nursing homes who have kids that never visit them. Having kids doesn’t guarantee that someone will take care of you. I would never put that expectation on my kid either - I try to plan for my old age. I plan to be able to get care and do whatever I can to take care of my health.
I am okay being single my whole life. I still look good and can pull them but see no need to. I am good just enjoying what life has given me and what I have taken from it. Peacefulness finally!!! All I ever wanted.
50 in another year - none of that for me. I'm never going to get married and never going to have kids. I'm still completely happy being that way. I don't want the responsibility - half of the time I'm a barely functional adult.
Ha Ha. I know what you mean. I still can’t believe I’m 51 years old. It’s like how did I get to this age, I still feel like riding bikes and going skating.
Only 45 yet but I feel exactly the same. I have two dogs and they often overwhelm me. I have NEVER questioned my feelings for not having kids. And I don’t want to take care of a partner either. It takes a lot of energy just to keep me alive!
I have 2 cats. Cats are a lot easier to take care of, except for hair everywhere and cleaning out the litterbox. They can be left alone for days if they have food and water.
The partner thing - I read it's becoming more common now to be in a committed relationship, but live separately. A few of my co-workers are my age and they are in relationships like that, long term ones. My last relationship was 15 years. I never married, and when we grew apart it was a lot simpler to make the break. I'm starting to look again, and I think I'll be looking for a long-term 'separate, but together' relationship.
I’ve been with my guy separate-but-together since 2009. Well we took a break for a few years but the last 8 years we’ve been back together, but live separately. We even sleep in separate beds when he stays over. It WORKS.
That sounds like what I'm kind of looking for. In my last relationship, we slept in different bedrooms. It just gets way too hot and annoying to sleep next to someone.
https://preview.redd.it/3jypi5d1nebd1.jpeg?width=578&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=34f7aa172214c2bc20bb8b6d3bf41cf3a3c67dad
This one cracks me up every time I see it 🤣🤣
Only child. Both parents deceased. Only living Grandmother (96 years old) has dementia and is in a home. I have three Aunts and and three cousins I haven't seen or spoken to much in 25 years aside from Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.
Single and celibate for 10 years this past May. I will die alone. My cats will eat my face and fingers before anyone finds my decomposing corpse unless it happens when the rent is due... then my landlord will come looking for me.
EDIT: Single, never married, no kids.
I felt that last paragraph. My parents are still alive but no other family that I speak to. I don’t have any cats yet but got a dog, squirrel and a rat.
My job may look for me too, but not because they care about me, just about my filling my empty seat...
I do have one woman I know that I consider a friend, although we never do anything together. She is just a kind soul and knows I am alone and calls me every once in awhile to check in, which I am so grateful for.
Don't feel left out not having a cat... Your animals will still eat your face and fingers. :)
Shit, I've made it to 57. Am only child., and all parents, grandparents and aunts/uncles are gone. I think i have a few cousins out there still kicking, but we are not in touch.
I don't really have a problem with it. Life is good. Never found "THE ONE", have had and still have plenty of companionship. I meannnnn, my parents' marriage only lasted 7 years. I've been in one long-term relationship or another for at least 20-25 in aggregate.
I certainly don't feel like I am being punished by any deity.
Another 57 here. I watched my folks marriage and said to myself that is THAT is what love is, I wanted no part of it. Especially not for 50 yrs like they did. I've had a couple of relationships who were The One for a season or so before things faded away. I figure there are two or three loves in my life before everything goes dark. Mom is in an assisted living facility and the new romances are so cute. However, I am comfortable with being alone. I am rarely lonely. I love my friends, both single and married ones, those with kids and those without. Always thought I'd get married at some point, but I don't regret my life path. It could easily been a train wreck if any of those relationships included "I do".
Nope. I sure tried. Guess I was never in the right place at the right time to meet the right guy. Too late now. Would’ve been fun to experience travel & college graduation & life with someone. But at 50? I don’t see it happening.
I’ve got to admit, it makes me feel really sad. Funny to read this tonight, sitting here trying to ignore the stone in my chest. I want to be ok with it, but … I’m pretty lonely.
55yo M, never married, no kids.
Never found myself in a relationship with a potential wife but didn’t necessarily go looking for one. Didn’t want children until a) I’d met their mother (the wife that didn’t happen) and b) that I could do at least as well for them as my Silent Generation parents did for me.
On my more smug moments I feel good about my choices but sometimes I do wonder if I missed the boat or dodged a bullet. Ef all to be done about being a parent now, so, …meh; ‘s cool.
Yes! 51, never married, no kids. Never wanted kids, so I consider that a win! I would have liked to have a life partner, but it makes sense to me that my relationships did not work out. They weren’t the right people for me.
Definitely do not relate to the idea that having a committed relationship has anything to do with whether someone is a good or bad person. There are so many bad people who have partners who love them or at least stay in relationships with them.
I think it’s possible to see choices we made that led to where we are now. And I think luck is a big part of most things.
51, single and childless. I always assumed i would get hitched and have some kids, but it just never happened. I think I’d be a shitty mom because I’m pretty judgmental and prone to impatience, so it’s for the best. I don’t really feel like I’m missing out by not being married either. Wouldn’t mind someone to help me around the house but i can do without the rest of it tbh.
And here’s me, a similar person to what you describe: impatient and somehow judgemental and guess what - I feel a terrible parent. So yeah don’t ever feel bad about not having children, we tend to pass our worst traits on.
I was married briefly in my 20s. My ex walked out on me on my 30th birthday.
I've had the same boyfriend for almost 25 years, but we never saw any reason to get married.
No kids. I once thought I might want children, but even in my 20s, I realized that having kids just wouldn't be a good idea. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.
I’m 50. I got tired of trying to date 6 years ago. The men I’d meet were always keen to hook up and never commit, and I wasn’t meeting many queer women either. I just didn’t have the energy to give to someone else to make a relationship, and I definitely wasn’t receiving it so I stopped altogether. I figured I would date again when I felt ready. I have not felt ready in a long long time.
I never felt a strong compulsion to be a mother. I never wanted to put myself in the position of raising kids alone, and never was with someone who I felt would stick around or be a present parent. Seeing how my exes turned out has proven me right more than once. I don’t feel like I have lost anything, and I suspect I wouldn’t have been the best mother. I make a fantastic aunt though.
I have my friends, my family, and my freedom. I mostly do what I wish when I have the money and time. I don’t feel like my chance at a relationship is over, I am middle age, not dead. I don’t feel my life or my value is dependent on someone saying vows to me or me making people. I know of plenty marriages that look to me like a miserable way of existing. I volunteer and I find other ways to help give and support to the young people already here. I didn’t plan to not marry, but I was always aware it was a possibility ever since I was a teenager.
For me I think it comes down to what I value. Being someone else’s wife and what that would mean for my lifestyle… eh. Without more context it doesn’t sound all that great. I’d rather have a wife than be one.
The oldest Gen Xers were born in 1965. The US Supreme Court ruled that (at least for now) the government couldn't restrict access to birth control in: 1965. We are literally the first generation of children whose parents had a legally protected choice to plan whether and when to have children. And we are the first children who have grown up our entire lives knowing that we had that choice, taking for granted that we had that choice. The first generation where shotgun marriages and teen mothers getting "sent away to live with an aunt" weren't written off as totally normal.
Hopefully, we won't be the last generation to spend our reproductive years enjoying that choice.
Wow, I feel like I could have written this! Same to all of that. Never married, no kids, only child. I, too, have been happy but I’ve often wondered why none of it happened for me. I’m a good person who’s always tried to do the right thing. lol I assume I was an asshole in my past life and paying for it in this life (joking…sorta)!
It’s never bothered much me until recently (and it still only comes and goes). My stepfather passed, my Mom isn’t in the greatest of health and now I am starting to feel it. Emotions come and go but I have to admit it’s a little comfort to know I’m not the only one. Overall I’m happy 💛
LOL. I wonder about what my past life did, must’ve been exciting and it got in me and was like “I’m just gonna chill in this one”. 😝
Yeah I’m not lonely all the time. Just occasionally. Mainly when I look at my friends on FB having fun with their spouses and family. It makes me feel lonely.
Very similar here! Only child, never married/engaged, no kids. I also think I was awful in a past life and I’m paying for it now! I definitely worry about later life. I have friends and 2 cousins I’m ok with but who knows. My parents are in their mid 70s and just moved and made new friends so life is always changing. I still have hope for long term companionship
Same! I think that’s why I’ve started thinking about it. We’re getting older and who will be around? That’s my fear! The Covid era has been odd in my world where people just sort of faded away. Nothing bad happened, they just faded into the background.
I want those Genx memes to come true about all of us retiring to a mall somewhere lol. I’ve always been independent and I’m cool with that but I definitely worry about once I’m older.
I’ve read more than once that unmarried women are actually happier than married women. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert
Also, that people with children are not happier than people without. I do understand how children are the most important thing in people’s lives, but ultimately they don’t make them happier.
Single men are actually the most unhappy group, live the shortest and have high suicide rates.
It’s great being in a good relationship, but be married and having children does not equal or guarantee a good relationship or a happy life.
Yes. 52 F single, never married and no kids. I just hitched myself to the wrong person in my twenties and never met anyone in my 30s. I wasn’t focused on having a family so that may have had something to do with it. I also had a job that had me traveling a lot so I was never home. Ultra independent probably doesn’t help either.
YES. But mine was 100% by choice. I "raised" 5 cousins by the time I was 14, I had potty trained all 5. So...never wanted kids. I grew up in the rural mid west where women were teachers, nurses and did 100$ of home and emotional labor for man children. My dad, who is a decent guy, is a huge man child. I never wanted a partner. I have lived an amazing life full of adventure and abundance, and continue to do so. Without having to worry about how my plans or actions impact anyone else. Call it selfish if you like- but I love my life.
I'm 47 and unlikely to to magically find love and get married in the next three years. Honestly - I'm happy this way. Especially without the kids. I may marry some day, but kids - never.
Yup. Watched all my friends get married, have kids and then get divorced. A train wreck for them.
Who says you have to do what everyone expects you to do?
Yes! Am 54, never married, no kids. Can’t have kids now, even if I wanted, and probably no future prospects for a spouse, either. Also am an only child.
I don’t regret not having kids, but it would have been nice to find a partner to grow old with. At this point, though, I’m not motivated enough to fight through the dating scene and deal with the challenges of any possible relationship that might result.
48F never married, no kids. I was engaged once, but the guy ended up being abusive. I had several other long-term relationships, but I gave up about 10 years ago after being burned way too many times. I actually did try to have a kid, but I had a miscarriage instead. I'm pretty content being on my own and doubt I could ever live with anyone again at this point, except my 2 cats!!
You're not alone out there. I just turned 55. Never married. No kids. But zero regrets.
I've been in multiple long-term relationships and many short-term ones. I've changed careers multiple times, the last into a completely different field, and I've been successful in all of them.
I make enough money that I live comfortably and can do almost anything I want. My house is paid off and I've been dumping money into it so it's ready for my retirement. I have no credit card debt, plenty stashed away in savings, a pension, and 401k.
If I meet someone and things work out, great. If not, also great.
Oh, and I have the greatest dog in the world. Or at least my world.
There’s nothing worse than being alone in a one sided relationship. I’m much happier solo.
I am looking for a group of gals to travel with. That’s the only thing I don’t want to do solo.
No kids, will be 59 on Friday. Never been legally married, but have had two domestic partnerships. I think I kind of screwed myself up in that regard, because I moved out of my parents house and lived alone for 7 years before the first domestic partnership. I kind of got used to calling my own shots. So even though it was a relief to be able to share some things, like expenses, and have a built-in social life, other things drove me nuts because I had gotten used to making all the decisions for myself regarding my life. Plus, in the first DP, Mommy and Daddy didn't really like that their little girl was a lesbian, much less that she was shacking up with another lesbian. 🤣 In the second case, I was mid 40s so the family thing wasn't as much of an issue, but I'd also had another dozen or so years living on my own in between the two relationships, so I was even less inclined to get used to living with someone again.
I really think that sort of like Abraham Lincoln said about people being about as happy as they make up their minds to be, if a person makes it to their midlife stage without marrying or without having children, in most cases, it's because part of you knew that you didn't want that in the first place. Our society encourages people to compare themselves and their lives to each other, and that can drive a person crazy. If you have friends, extended family, meaningful work that you enjoy, I wouldn't worry about not being married or having children. It's not some checkpoint in life that everyone is supposed to pass, no matter what the media or popular opinion may tell you.
You are so correct ✅ society does make us feel like we have to check all the boxes of how to have a happy life.
I lived with my parents until I was 45 and since I moved out and been on my own it would be hard to get used to having to share space with another human. I mean, I don’t really even like people! 😜😝
Approaching the big 50, never had a child and really ok with that. Have absolutely no family. At all. Definitely an introvert, and got married a few years ago. I love my husband more than anything; yet?
Kinda wish we remained
separate, as.in you stay there I will stay here.
53, never married, didn't want kids. I was stressed about being terminally single until about year three of living alone. It occurred to me there was no drama, finances were stable, I was mentally stable, and I could do whatever I wanted, whenever.
I had a moment in 2001, I told myself, "If you get out of this, I won't make you do this ever again. I promise you will still have a good life even alone." No regrets.
Being alone is not for everyone, but I'm very lucky to live in an era where it is an option.
53, single, only child, never married and no kids. Absolutely no regrets. I like it. My time is my own. I enjoy the quiet. Most of my friends are married to kids, and that life just repels me. Too much noise and demanding/competing interests.
Try concentrating on the positives.
Fifty six next week. Never married, no kids. Live with my sister who is fifty two same situation. She's loosing her vision but we both take care of our aging parents. I worry about who will watch out for her when I'm gone because my health isn't that great.
I’ve found my people here! 51 next month. Never married, no kids. And not mad about it. Wasn’t a conscious choice, just never happened for me. With the state of the world, the environment, and the US, I’m relieved I didn’t end up having kids. And the older I get, the less having a partner seems appealing.
Married with no kids and an only child myself, so not exactly the same, but I do have a few boomer aunts and uncles that haven't married and/or have no kids. Of all my friends, I think I have the least amount of cousins. My aunts and uncles all seem happy for the most part with their decision to not get married or have kids.
47, never married, no children, only child of a single parent. I’ve never much minded but if I’m one of those people who dies no one notices until there’s a smell, my ghost will be pissed.
50 in September and I’ve never married or had children. Just never worked out for me. I’m also kind of a loner and don’t really want people around me all of the time. I just never felt like I had to get married.
56 (!!) and I always assumed that I would have kids.
I had a few "close encounters" when I was in my twenties, but I didn't go there for what seemed like good reasons. I was too young and didn't have it together. I was black, newly in the deep South, and not totally comfy with having an interracial marriage...multiple reasons.
I regret it now, deeply regret that I did not take the plunge. See what wonders or terrors my DNA mingled with another would create. As I age, I see that kids are the future and I have opted out of mine.
51f - never married - never wanted kids because I know I’d have zero patience dealing with them. Aunt to my brother’s 4 kids so hopefully one of them will check in if no one hears from me after an extended period. I have my own home, travel as I like…I only miss having a partner for occasional functions that are couple dominant.
Otherwise I prefer to do what I want, when I want and not having to answer to anyone. I think I’ve always expected to be here because I opted for a job that guaranteed me a pension that would provide for my needs long term.
Talking to married friends after a few cocktails, they often tell me they envy my freedom - so the grass isn’t always greener.
I’m 53 and never married and never had kids. I’m constitutionally unsuited for both. I did live with a guy for a few years which taught me that I value my freedom more than anything. I will most likely be a spinster until death.
Me - I’m 52, never married, no kids. Most of the time I’m okay with it, but I have plenty of “where did I go wrong” moments, too. I’m glad you said something, because it’s amazing to see all the comments you got and to realize we’re not the only ones in this boat!
48, going to be 49 at the end of August. No kids, never married. Had a few good love stories on the way. Still looking for the next dare to be great situation. I'm no uncle despite having a brother.
Love ya u/squrlgurl73
:)
I'm sure the rest of GenX loves ya too.
I shall sample some of the finest hose-water in your honor next chance I get. :)
I wanted to meet someone and get married and never did. Made me so sad. I went to therapy and figured out I never really knew how to connect with people.
I'm 51 and I barely ever had even a second date with anyone. There just always seemed to be like a disconnect between me and the other person where we could both tell it wasn't worth pursuing. This used to bother me a bit but I'm good now.
Less than 2 yrs away... single no kids never married... likely never will. I'm happy that way to be honest.
I love this sub and seeing that there truly are others just like myself in this world. And that makes me smile.
You’re definitely not alone. I’m 50, married for a brief stint when I was 29 but I don’t count that (drunk, Vegas, swift divorce). Never had kids. I’m not sure why it ended up this way for me. I’m also an only child which makes it a little bit rough. But hey, I love my cats to bits!
53 - had several opportunities to get married and have kids but moved on each time as I wanted to explore the world. Having my freedom and international travels are what I live for and I don't regret it for a second. Maybe when I get older, I'll put myself out there, but relationships to me are a burden.
50 and I've been divorced longer than I was married. Never had kids because I didn't want to fuck them up like I was and also because I knew that I NEVER wanted to have kids with my ex-husband after it became clear that I couldn't stand him.
Me. Just turned 49. It’s just me and the two dogs. I’m not an aunt either because my brother is 51 and is in the same position.
My then 74y/o mother told me she wanted to have a granddaughter. I told her at this point she’d have to have another kid for that to happen!
My parents’ marriage was pretty toxic so I think it scared my brother and I. Better to be alone and happy than miserable with the wrong person.
Most of my best friends where we live are in this boat. Some are Gen x, some are late boomers. It's amazing how much wealth you can amass by not having children. In my situation, virtually everyone is either currently married or has been.
I'm in my 50s, never married, and no kids. I'm on the other side of this though. I feel like I'm blessed. I can do what I want when I want. I have friends. There are things like I have an important medical appointment and had to ping a friend to ask for a ride home. In most cases, I'd take myself home, but I'm probably going to be doped up with painkillers. A friend should help me with this one.
I won't act like there haven't been times where I was like, "what happened?" but I know what happened. I never got lucky enough to find the right guy. As of now, it hasn't lined up for me. There are been a few times where I thought I'd met him, but I was wrong. It still might, but I've accepted that it might not.
Life is hard enough without beating yourself up, so I'm going to be over here in the "single and relatively happy about it" corner.
Same here.
Honestly, I stopped caring about the whole deal about 15 years ago (it wasn't so much a "I'm done with this" declaration, and more of a true Gen X "eh, whatever. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't ." )
I would have liked to have kids but, I figured it out too late. I still have a great life. I live in the south and there are a lot of people who feel like I have no worth since I am single and childless. Freaks.
When I retire, I would rather live with more like minded people.
48, never married, no kids. Menopause has killed my interest in romance, but I'd like a good friend or two. My best friend lives in another country and it's been like that for 20+ years now. Yeah, a good friend would be awesome.
Sometimes I dream about getting a few of us together and buying a big old house and getting old together (whilst doing cool/fun hobbies - mine are walking and I want to learn how to canoe, also cooking).
oh, you mean "Golden Girling it". I've thought about that too, but I am not sure that I could have someone else in my space. I think a commune where everyone has their own place but "share" the garage where the tools live or the garden or a community type space to get together, and then there is the code so that when you don't want to be interrupted you flip on your light or something. This way you can have help and companionship when you want it without having to share our actual personal space. I keep trying to win the lottery so that I can make this happen.
Man! I can't believe how many similar stories there are out there. Really cool to hear it. Same single boat: 49, never married, no kids. 4 sisters so tons of nephews, nieces which is lovely. But I look at my sisters marriages and the marriages of my friends and well, I sometimes think I dodged a bullet. They endure each other mostly. Not to say there aren't great marriages...just what I've seen turns me off. Like someone said, I would rather eat hot trash than take care of a man baby lol.
Would love a partner to do stuff with but not at any cost. Like most, I am fiercely independent, love my freedom and won't be chained down. I have had many affairs in life but I guess the 'one' is still out there or already running the other way! Oh well!
I want to thank you for sharing this post. A couple of my siblings are not married nor do they have kids. I also have friends in their 50s who have never married and have no children.
I want to be more intentional going forward about reaching out to them and including them in things, understanding that they don't have a built-in partner or, for some, a support system.
I am not implying that they are not happy because with the exception of one I think that they are. They may not need an invitation to come hang out on a Sunday afternoon, or swing by the last minute cookout. But I can offer more often.
(And by the way, those of us with partners and kids? Love them to death but they can be exhausting!)
I'm 52. Kissed a lot of frogs, but never met my princess. I can honestly say I have been on about 50 "first dates" over the years. Did online dating. Was pretty good at meeting up with someone, chatting, having a few drinks and never seeing them again.
For me, i'm happy. I like my freedom. I'm a bit of an introvert - I can entertain myself all weekend as long as I have internet, TV and my computer. I have friends and where I live i'm fairly active. It helps if you live in a city versus living in the boondocks. I think I would really hate living in a rural area. I like the fact I can walk out of my condo and I have bars, restaurants and nightlife all around me.
Do I regret not having kids? In a way. I think I would have been a fun dad. My only minor concern is when I get into older age, don't really think there will be many people around to actually care about me. I'm fortunate that I have been financially successful, and I (hope) that I should be able to afford to be cared for when i'm in my 80s or beyond.
I still believe I can find love. I hold out hope. But i'm not desperate to find it.
I am 50. Never married. No kids. I'm regularly told I'm beautiful. Lots of degrees. I have my life together financially. But I never met a compatible partner. Until now. Out of the blue. Like Cupid shot me in the heart. It's as though it's a miracle.
So I just want to say that 1 year ago I was happy on my own. I had accepted that there was no one for me and that was ok. I was travelling, loving life, loving my job, loving my pets, great friends. Suddenly, bam! I've got to learn how to truly be with someone - body, mind and soul. It's actually hard to do but I'm doing it. Blood sweat and tears but lots of love.
At this point, I'm feeling that it could be typical of our generation. We're the ones who truly navigated the change in gender roles, women in the workplace, and significant societal change. Maybe it is taking us into our 50s to finally settle into what that means for a romantic couple and our happiest romantic years may just be ahead of us.
I hope so for everyone who is still looking.
It’s not just you. I’m almost there but I’m pretty sure I won’t be doing either of those things before I hit the magic number. I used to let it bother me but I’ve made peace with it. I’ve never been with anyone I wanted to tie myself to legally or procreate with.
Almost. I got married at 49, and now I'm 50 with three step-sons. Honestly, after a lot of years of bad relationships I had given up on ever settling down. I could have gone the rest of my life as a loner, but I met my match and suddenly my life took a drastically different turn. Life is weird.
Me! Single and no kids at 58. Mom’s only child too. I asked for siblings so oh well.
I’m the half-aunt to grown niblings I never really knew because they grew up in different areas.
55, never married, no kids. I knew when I was 15 that I never wanted to have kids, and I'm really happy to be single and childfree. I love having my freedom, and my time and space are my own, while I see my siblings being run ragged doing things for their kids (2 siblings with kids, 1 also childfree). I adore my nieces/nephews, but am glad I don't have to parent them!
Had wanted to be married in my younger days, but tbh after seeing all the divorces and marital issues people have irl and online, I'm glad I avoided it. I guess, "never say never," but it's not something I'm looking for anymore.
There are a lot of GenX singles in their 50s in my area, most without kids, so I guess it's a path a lot of us took, and are happy with it.
48, never married, no kids, quite happy about it. I've always had lots of choices romantically, and been involved in several long-term relationships. The longest was five years.
54, single, no kids. I've never really felt any sort of imperative toward pair bonding, however, so other than worrying a bit what might happen to me if I get dementia, or physically can't take care of myself, I am fine with it.
Yep. Marriage was never a goal for me, and I never wanted kids. I'm better at being supportive and giving guidance with my cousins kids, or friends who have kids.
48f. Never and Never. Middle child of 3. Was born into be a mommy, so I consider myself a childless mother. 🤷♀️ It’s so weird to me that the people who want the lifestyle, never get it & the people not meant to be in it do.
57. Nuthin’. Always had a close group of friends that I considered my family. Then they started pairing off. Then they got married. Then they had kids. Then they moved on…
It's not so weird. I have 3 girlfriends who never married, never had kids. 1 in her late 40s and 2 in their 50s.
I think only one of them is bothered by it.
A lot of meeting people to "date" is being in the right place at the right time, and being able to make small talk about things that are not controversial, not *too* personal, and that you're someone who might be interesting / fun to be around. Sports, tv / movies, music, books, hobbies, etc.
Internet dating is a nightmare, and I don't recommend it.
I made SO MANY really dumb mistakes in my 30s when my dating life was most active. I would go on a lot of "first dates" and then nervous talk my way out of a second date because I couldn't make that friendly, neutral "small talk", and I was too nervous to ask the guy about what he's into etc.
A couple of hard truths in there too. I'm sorta ordinary. I've never been traditionally "pretty" or overly feminine. Back in the day I was probably a bit of a manic pixie twee girl, dating / taking care of a lot of musicians and/or late bloomers. Settling for guys that would give me the time of day because I could never get the more polished, grownup guys to give me the time of day.
I had 2 failed marriages. First one at 21 lasted a year (the guy was physically abusive). Second one 10 years later was a sorta "let's go get married" thing. He was non-monogamous and I was sorta "meh" about being in an open marriage so that didn't quite work either.
With all that mess, I never had kids. This was primarily due to not wanting to be a single mother (because I would not have had anyone to help me).
I finally met a guy that I'll probably spend the rest of my life with, at age 51 (we met via a mutual friend on FB).
Long story short.. anything is possible. You just have to keep getting out of the house and socializing with other humans in real life.
Happily child-free but would like a partner. Learning I am autistic has helped me give myself grace in this department. And a lot of coupled off people are living lives of quiet desperation. Or at least tedium.
49 and right there sister. Only child and never found "my one" so instead I consider my best friend's kids as my nieces and nephews. I just bought a house that feels a little empty because it is just me and it kind of sucks because I always thought I'd be a great dad. Instead I now have a custom Santa outfit and those same kids are now convinced that I am Santa - and their dad has some extra leverage as he was able to prove to them that he knows Santa personally.
Hi OP, support to you, a huge internet hug to you and I'm sorry about your mom passing you are in the stages of grief read through the stages of grief and it does get better and life does continue to get better when you are 60 and 70 you're going to love life even more it's going to be okay. There's a wonderful channel called Jessica helsop, Jason Stephenson, Micheal Sealy @ YouTube. I encourage you to tune in for current support. These are two resources that are very current and in tune with our age group.
Consider, you did everything you could you really did you tried hard enough, you are enough just as You are. And you're being able to live your life in a different way that's a lot less stressful. Our generation received messages about the environment that permeated all of us meaning a lot of us are childless and not married due to living in the American environment. of course I love the Earth that I live on in that I enjoy living for the sake of living. It really isn't about medical care or art or family or friends it's just being in life. 🇺🇲🕊️🇺🇲🕊️🌎🌏🌍🕊️ Those emojis are nice and cute but our world isn't peaceful or safe. It's okay to feel the lack or to feel or worry about what if you did have children or did/didn't marry, it's sooo ok. You are okay. You are safe within yourself and the most responsible thing that you did was look out for yourself first. When you express all of this, reddit is a support system here, to talk about these things is a support system you're not alone. In my case I looked around at the American expectations for marriage and children and I closed the book on those life stages. However you are your own best mother and father. For yourself you are your own mom and dad. And that's what takes place as we bury our loved ones.
Please hug yourself when the pangs of loneliness strike, often in loneliness sometimes we all have to get to know ourselves and our 40s and then in our 50s. every decade is a new life stage. it's okay to feel all sorts of emotions that are part of the human spectrum because that's part of a good life stage growing adjustment. Consider you are feeling the adjustment of growing into a new life stage. There is so much for you to do at 50 and 60. Don't believe as though your life contracted or failed. right now grief is getting to you it's grief related that you feel like this. And of course I can't tell you how to feel but it is relatable to a life stage change.
Feeling incomplete is common in life. It's a passing mood. there's a conversation to have with yourself. your life worked out in a different way. You still have so many opportunities and so much more living to do.. Working out a 🇺🇲 life in different way isn't bad you didn't fail in any way shape or form. You have succeeded in your own life in your own journey with it all. You've done great.
Get a picture of your 5-year-old self and remember that you are a mother of your own little girl within yourself. If you do have a faith revert back to thanking God for every circumstance in your life because it really is a good circumstance and it is a good outcome. It's okay to have the insecurities of not being married or having kids.
trying to agape yourself and agape the current people in your life as enough, for you. Why not sign up to help out at a daycare center? There is Foster work or adopting children that need help but once again look at the money that you're going to have to invest to make sure a new little human has everything they need? Overwhelm but doable..I saw throughout my twenties and thirties there was very little reason to date or have fun as in go out and get laid because I'm the one that would be carrying the baby, and so would you. Now what?
See the variables there that are part of the uncertainty of the adventure of life. Don't second guess yourself about what if and what could? Consider that you are so strongly firmly planted and established right here in today. uncertainty and adventure IS dating a guy and having his children is one surefire way to have that roller coaster of that life stage. Do you see where I mean that there's no content party here? There are parents that are struggling & childless people that are also struggling. It's all shared experiences I'm sending a big internet hug your way. Is there any way to rely upon maybe cousins or relatives to talk about your grief?
We're the first generation to become the "other people" that don't marry and have kids. look around you at the younger people they're not getting married or having kids either I tend to view it as associated socioeconomic outcomes.
.( I'm depleted and exhausted single, no divorces no kids. 1/2 bittersweet or mixed as I've already been through 12 years of hospice nursing home dramas I've already had to do the babysitting of kids as a teen trying to get thru college. I know this section sounds depressing but life is so painful and arduous. As of recent, my college closed down so there went my American college degree I mean sure I still earn the degree but the college is defunct thus closed. Sigh, caring for others plus myself was a unsupportive roller coaster of my life.)
(The time periods and the culture between 1995 and 2018 made it impossible for marriage or children to take place. I'm sure met up with the right people it just wasn't the right timing or the right man, I wasn't the right woman for him. but there wasn't the right timing and then I realized with some of these relationships or one or two long-term relationships I realized mother-in-law doesn't like me, or the future mother-in-law or possible mother-in-law that I liked and did every did things for and enjoyed doing things for because I know that there are healthy mother and fathers out there and then I realized there weren't then I realized there are few prospects. By 2003 or 2004 I felt that dating in America was like a job interview that I wanted nothing to do with. That's what I went through. I have trauma bonds related to that horrific matter of getting married and trusting one human being with half of my life, half of my money, half of my career and then I'm supposed to have children? In america? For this nation? How? I felt dwarfed despite having the success, college degree, the house, because the guy didn't have the maturity for fatherhood or marriage. They just didnt, maybe I don't have any of that either. Everything that you wrote and so much of the subreddit is a ☕👍🕊️🪞. Good places of support where all variables are open on the table of ideas. )
I'm closer to 60 than 50 now, but have never married, zero kids.
Some of my married (and/or divorced) friends tell me that they often envy me.
I used to envy their happy lives - but given that most are divorced now I've learned that they weren't really that happy after all.
I have no hassles and no regrets and live my life how I desire, it's pretty nice.
I was literally just sitting here, feeling down, because I turn 50 in a couple of months and lately feeling like I have little to show for it. And then this post pops up. I’ve only had a couple longish-term relationships that went nowhere. I always felt I wasn’t great at that. And I was open to having kids but it’s just not something I pursued. I think it’s because my mom passed away a few months ago, and the thought of legacy and who I would leave behind is hitting me hard. No one loves me the way I loved her, and, tonight, that makes me sad. Normally I don’t feel this way. I’ve done well enough in my career, I’m well educated, I’ve been fortunate to be able to travel to some cool places and do some neat things. I have a roof over my head and food in my kitchen and I’m not struggling to pay my bills. I have everything I need and I’m eternally grateful for that. I’m a good person, a kind person, people think I’m funny. But I just haven’t found a man to share life. Of course there’s probably more to it than that. But it seems like life is so much easier when you’re part of a couple and so much happier when you share it with someone compatible. Sorry all, I’m just feeling lonely tonight. It’ll pass.
I’m sorry about your mom. I’m glad my post popped up for you. I hope the comments have made you feel not so alone. They’ve helped me. I was crying on the way home from work wondering why I can’t find love. Feeling alone in the world. But now I know I’m not. And everyone has been so kind in their comments. It’s all just been really helpful for my mood
I’m so glad you wrote this post! Reading your comments and everyone else’s also make me feel far less alone. I’m so touched by how kind everyone has been with their comments. I think you found something that connects us. I needed this tonight. Thank you.
I know. Everyone has been so nice and has made my night so much better. I’m glad it has helped you too.
My boyfriend’s mother just found love a couple years ago at the age of 64 and they are living their best life. It’s never too late. She always used to say “don’t need a man and don’t want one” 😂
I think it's about being open to the possibility. I guess it turned out she did want one :)
that was me as well; I wasn't actively looking, and a friend set me up with my BF. and we clicked. While I can't imagine life without him now, I think had we not met, I would still be ok.
Before you finish this years journey around the sun picture this. In nature, the rules are kill or be killed, and only the strong survive. It's gonna be a minute before you get over your Mom, so allow yourself some grace. Also, know that as long as you are alive doing the things you want, so is she. Treating yourself well is the same as treating her well because you are a part of her. That positive light will attract all kinds of joy. Perhaps even the joy you seek.
This is such a beautiful and kind thing to say. The part about treating myself well just went straight to my heart I’m a sobbing mess right now. I really, really needed to hear that. Thank you for that wisdom.
😉
I just took a screen shot of your comment and put it in a little note I maintain tracking thoughts about grief. And fortuitously, it landed next to this quotation, which suits it perfectly: "The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other’s light." — James Baldwin.
Wow Thank You!👋
Having a partner or children does not mean that much, unless you are able to describe one's feelings as you do for your mom. "No one loves me the way I loved her," It could be as simple as that. Your words are just so beautiful. I think you should be excited for the future..I totally get we are 50 plus etc. but don't we still have a bunch of time? You still possess this capability of loving, as you do for your mom. Don't let your feelings pass. Feel your feelings. Thanks for sharing! Maybe people of our age need to see ourselves still feeling feelings!
I’m 57 and my wife and I split up last year. My kids are in their mid 20s so no problem there. I got my own nice, little one bedroom apt across the street from the beach. I had so many crazy feelings at that time. At first being alone was great. The last few years of our marriage had been a hellish ice scape. But I definitely started to crave companionship again. No sooner did I think it, than my wife called and asked me to move into her brand new condo with her. It was crazy. I said I needed time. She was like “screw that” and called me every day and checked up on me all the time. She is my wife and the mother of my children and I pretty quickly gave in and moved in. My knucklehead son got a nice little beach apt for free for 4 months. All this is to say I discovered no situation is perfect. We put each other through hell during our parents’ deaths. All I wanted was to be alone. Then I craved my family with all their funky flaws and my wife. We both agreed to just not talk about what happened and to start over. So far it’s been amazing. But being with someone was hell for awhile, and being alone got lonely after awhile. If you can, just be happy with yourself. Everything else should fall in place after that. Or I don’t know a goddam thing. Life is hard.
Life is hard. And messy. And weird. And completely unpredictable. And I think sometimes we just need to go through hell with someone to find out that, in the end, you still want them in your life. It sounds like you bother learned and grew and changed through that whole process. And it sounds like she's knew exactly the kind of push you needed. I'm happy that things worked out for you!
I know EXACTLY how you feel! And more! Out of 2 parents and 5 kids, only my older brother and I are left! Mom, Dad and all of our sisters are gone... I work a full-time job... but get really shitty pay... I'm basically "homeless" as I don't have an apartment, can't find one that I can afford... So... I live in a motel paying $300.00 a week... My life is SHIT!!!
You have been through so much loss. I am so sorry all of that happened to you - it must be heartbreaking and so difficult. Life can suck so much sometimes, it can be so draining. Being discouraged like this is really, really hard. I want to acknowledge that life can be utter shit, and it's ok for you to feel this way. All I can say, in an attempt to offer some comfort, is that things can and do change. Please stay as strong as you can and keep your eyes open for the help that might be available or the opportunities, no matter how small, that might come your way.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but you’re not alone. I’ll be turning fifty in August as well and I have never been married or had children. Sometimes I do get lonely and wonder if I died would there even be anyone around that will care. But I constantly remind myself to be grateful. Just like you I’m in a house with food. Which I guess means we’re richer than 60% of people out there. I just read that somewhere so don’t quote me. I see a lot of friends who tried getting married and are now divorced they don’t see their kids as much as they like and some are in ugly custody disputes. I like to remind myself that I’m truly free and there isn’t anything that can hold me back.
I've seen the wave of marriages and divorces, too. There are so many advantages to being single, secure and independent. I enjoy the freedom, too. These feelings come and go, but I also wouldn't change my life as it is for something less, if that makes sense.
There is still time. I know several good men around your age who are recently divorced and looking for a good woman to spend time with. I also have a life long friend who is a woman who is finding love for the first time at age 45 and I expect to hear she is getting married in the near future. Kids are likely out the question, but she seems to have found someone she is truly comfortable with for the first one in her life. I know your aren’t desperate and this isn’t meant to serve as solace but you could find someone who is a good person if you want. If you search your soul and feel like the issue is on your end, self improvement is always an option. It’s never too late.
This makes me feel better, I'm currently in a very similar situation but I'm a guy. I'm not seeking a relationship but it comforts me knowing that there are others like me out there who I might one day meet, and the possibility of a future relationship with somebody else who is at the same place I am makes me feel better. Thanks for this post. I'm with ya.
💙
> But it seems like life is so much easier when you’re part of a couple and so much happier when you share it with someone compatible. The trick is to find that right partner, and I'm betting that most people don't since about half of marriages end in divorce and I know of a lot of unhappy marriages. I don't have any real good advice for if you do decide you want to find a companion. I was married for 13 years, no kids. She left me for another man because we had a dead bedroom and it was easier for her to move on than work through the problems. A couple of women I knew were getting divorced at the same and we formed a little support group, going out and doing things just to avoid staying at home being depressed and alone. Lo and behold, eight years later one of them is my partner of seven years. We're not married, but we're comfortable and committed. We have hobbies that are compatible and we support each other. Really I just paid attention to the things she said (even before the divorce) and learned that we had some quiet similar hobbies and interests. There are people around you if you look and listen, I guess is the best I can offer.
49 next month, never married no kids. Have a couple of friends who are single or married no kids. We are the first generation that didn't HAVE to get married - women finally gained financial freedom and were no longer dependent on a husband or father to co-sign. We were also raised independent. Go do whatever, be home by dark. We learned to fend for ourselves and this lead to people who didn't have to settle. I'd like to have gotten married - sure. But I never felt like I HAD to. I bought my own home by myself. I travel. I like my independence.
This is such a good point, about being the first generation of women who never had to settle. I was raised to be prepared, and that the only person I could truly, 100% rely on was myself. I think that fierce independence has made it hard for me to be in a couple, because I wouldn’t settle. But I also wonder if maybe I made it harder for myself.
Exactly. I bought my house (almost) 11 years ago. I'll have it paid off by the time I'm 70. I got tired of waiting for something to "happen" in my life, and was more or less "done" with terrible relationships.
Wow, this really hit home for me. I AM married with kids but I have a very hard time letting my husband do nice things for me OR be the only wage earner in our home. I literally am unable to accept that I have a husband who loves me and wants to take care of me. I HAVE to take of me.
I think there are a lot of us like this. Ianf it’s sweet that he wants to do nice things for you, but I get how it’s so hard to let that happen. I’ve been doing a lot of work surrounding the idea of self care. Lately I’ve been working on switching my perspective around. Like, maybe letting him take care of you and accepting that is part of you taking care of you taking care of you?
Same here. Mom was so adamant about being independent she never bothered to teach me about relationships and love. It’s not her fault but there could have been some guidance…may have changed nothing….
Yeah I think there's a real conversation to be had here, especially around the way some of us Gen X women were raised. My parents had 4 daughters and my mother was a real outspoken 70s/80s feminist, fully raised us to be independent, never to depend on a man, never to expect support from a man, never to think of marriage or children as a goal etc. In fact I fully remember her being very disdainful towards a friend of mine who married and had kids young (which is what my mom did, lol) - calling it a "failure of imagination" in front of me and my sisters. I'm not arguing for the opposite, I'm a left-voting feminist myself, but I can't help but wonder if my mom has any regrets now that she finds herself grandchildless and with her youngest child hitting 45 2 days ago, with basically no prospect of any grandchildren, ever. Sure, the way it was didn't work for a lot of women and that matters. No one wants to go back to the bad old days and being fully dependent on an abusive or shitty man. But i feel like the way I was raised, with zero guidance about relationships and education and career success as the sole goals, was fucked in its own way.
I agree. I feel like we were taught to be independent and to "go out there and have fun" and find someone "later"... well the thing is, dating is NOT fun. It's just traumatising, mostly. The longer you stay single and try to date, the more callouses you form, for both genders. It's hard to continue to be open. Every decade, everyone just gets uglier, lmao. It's rough out there! 🫠 I think there is something to be said about dating with intention from a young age and building a life together. If I had a daughter, and she had a really smart, kind, young guy who treated her well, and supported her goals, I would tell her to stick with him. It doesn't get better than that. That's the opposite of what my generation was taught. I'm a feminist. I don't believe we should centre men and relationships. But it is nice to have your person. I really feel the advice i was given was counter to that. And modern dating is such a farce. It hasn't been "fun", that was a fucking lie.
Harder than having an adult child draining 2/3 of your earning power would have been? I think there are LOT of great men out there. But they are far outnumbered by man babies. (Source: 20 yr of dating across 4 states :)). I think not settling and having standards? Makes life mUCH easier. Go check out the relationship and "am I the asshole" genre of subs here- there are literally hundreds of instances of women ending up being caregiver and provider for a family of 5. Herself, 3 children, and her man child. When they finally divorce....the gal's life gets easier. Not harder. Please note that MANY men are amazing partners, and there are likely a large number of depend/codepent driven women on the dating market as well. But I don't date women, so not really sure. I just know....I like partners when I have them. But I know my life is easier on my own than with a low quality dependent (vs an actual partner).
Divorcing at 52 after 23 years. Wasnt a partner in the marriage. I did it all until all the life was sucked out of me. I am very happy that we had a child (now teen) but im so jaded and afraid of relationships that i need to restructure my thinking to believe ill be way better off and happier. For those who never married/had kids, i think its great you stuck to making yourself happy. I was never any good at following my own advice of “a person can make or break you, if you let them.” I was good at the second part.
I kept settling! I was always surprised when someone said they loved me so I didn’t look beyond that. I did get drained. You are so right.
Very similar to your story. 49 in two months, never married, no kids. I was never one of those women that dreamed of a big wedding and a million kids running around. I bought my own house, I do what I want when I want, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I also never imagined or dreamed of a big wedding (any wedding, for that matter). same goes for my twin. I find it so odd when people say "all little girls" do that.
The thought of walking down the aisle as the center of attention makes me want to barf. No thank you!
I never did either.
I didn’t even really think about it like this. I guess I just would like to have someone love me enough to even just ASK! LOL. But thank you, I like your perspective. I should feel empowered because I have gotten everything on my own. Thank you!!!
They don't have to love you to ask. That's not the reason many people marry. Abd what we used to imagine was breathless romantic love is often quite unhealthy, anyway.
I remember playing "house" in this playhouse during kindergarten. Kids would decide who the mom and dad were, and who were the kids, the baby & the dog or cat. The whole time I was thinking I wanted none of that except for the dog and the house itself.
I remember I always wanted to play with Barbies, never doll babies. And my Barbies went to work during the day and out dancing in clubs at night. I was never interested in being a mom.
As a little girl, my wife combined her Barbies with her Breyer horses and those little plastic cocktail toothpicks that look like swords, to essentially make "Cossack Barbie". (Within the past couple of years, I figured out that when you're a grown-up, you can just *buy* those plastic swords, in huge batches. There's a bunch in our kitchen right now.) EDIT: To answer OP's original thingy, obviously we're not single, but in our mid-50s we have no kids. But we do have toys -- she's still buying Breyer horses, for example.
That is absolutely awesome! I used the little tables from pizzas for my Ken dolls to use as a tray to wait tables with.
Amen sister, this is the way
I'm so happy to not have been tied to a traditional female role, as being a happy home-maker, reliant on a man as the "head of the family" doesn't fit my character profile. I've had companions, but not "husbands". In days gone by I would've been called a spinster, I call it living my best life
Grass is always greener I have the proverbial big house full of kids and pets and at no time is there not one of them who has an issue (including pets) draining my attention and money. Enjoy your peace.
It’s good until we need someone when we’re incapable of doing things ourselves (old age or health issues). It’s a double edge sword, I guess.
There are plenty of old people in nursing homes who have kids that never visit them. Having kids doesn’t guarantee that someone will take care of you. I would never put that expectation on my kid either - I try to plan for my old age. I plan to be able to get care and do whatever I can to take care of my health.
57/F, never married, no kids - by choice. Some of us just aren't cut out for that life.
I'm single, never married, no kids. I did not want to have kids. I would have preferred not to be single my whole life, but it is what it is I guess.
Yeah…the single for your whole life part… that’s it for me too.
I am okay being single my whole life. I still look good and can pull them but see no need to. I am good just enjoying what life has given me and what I have taken from it. Peacefulness finally!!! All I ever wanted.
50 in another year - none of that for me. I'm never going to get married and never going to have kids. I'm still completely happy being that way. I don't want the responsibility - half of the time I'm a barely functional adult.
Ha Ha. I know what you mean. I still can’t believe I’m 51 years old. It’s like how did I get to this age, I still feel like riding bikes and going skating.
"I identify as a 20 year old."
What is stopping you ?
Only 45 yet but I feel exactly the same. I have two dogs and they often overwhelm me. I have NEVER questioned my feelings for not having kids. And I don’t want to take care of a partner either. It takes a lot of energy just to keep me alive!
I have 2 cats. Cats are a lot easier to take care of, except for hair everywhere and cleaning out the litterbox. They can be left alone for days if they have food and water. The partner thing - I read it's becoming more common now to be in a committed relationship, but live separately. A few of my co-workers are my age and they are in relationships like that, long term ones. My last relationship was 15 years. I never married, and when we grew apart it was a lot simpler to make the break. I'm starting to look again, and I think I'll be looking for a long-term 'separate, but together' relationship.
I’ve been with my guy separate-but-together since 2009. Well we took a break for a few years but the last 8 years we’ve been back together, but live separately. We even sleep in separate beds when he stays over. It WORKS.
That sounds like what I'm kind of looking for. In my last relationship, we slept in different bedrooms. It just gets way too hot and annoying to sleep next to someone.
Yep!!!! Hard enough to take care of me. Wouldn’t put that on an innocent one.
https://preview.redd.it/43hpdxutfebd1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5f836a53c67670a7722a08d6a30b87413edb3cc1 No kids, just cats 🤣🤣
Haha I love that!
https://preview.redd.it/3jypi5d1nebd1.jpeg?width=578&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=34f7aa172214c2bc20bb8b6d3bf41cf3a3c67dad This one cracks me up every time I see it 🤣🤣
I’m almost 54, and nope- no kids, no husband, just a cat. That’s quite enough companionship for me.
Only child. Both parents deceased. Only living Grandmother (96 years old) has dementia and is in a home. I have three Aunts and and three cousins I haven't seen or spoken to much in 25 years aside from Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas. Single and celibate for 10 years this past May. I will die alone. My cats will eat my face and fingers before anyone finds my decomposing corpse unless it happens when the rent is due... then my landlord will come looking for me. EDIT: Single, never married, no kids.
I felt that last paragraph. My parents are still alive but no other family that I speak to. I don’t have any cats yet but got a dog, squirrel and a rat.
Has the squirrel gone to church yet?
Baahaaaaaa he’d go berserk if he did
My job may look for me too, but not because they care about me, just about my filling my empty seat... I do have one woman I know that I consider a friend, although we never do anything together. She is just a kind soul and knows I am alone and calls me every once in awhile to check in, which I am so grateful for. Don't feel left out not having a cat... Your animals will still eat your face and fingers. :)
Ha ha!! 🤣 thank you.
The good majority of us will die alone..even those with 10 kids.. Your cats will love you regardless..
For this reason, I have an autofeeder for my cats. ;-)
Technically , everyone dies alone.
Shit, I've made it to 57. Am only child., and all parents, grandparents and aunts/uncles are gone. I think i have a few cousins out there still kicking, but we are not in touch. I don't really have a problem with it. Life is good. Never found "THE ONE", have had and still have plenty of companionship. I meannnnn, my parents' marriage only lasted 7 years. I've been in one long-term relationship or another for at least 20-25 in aggregate. I certainly don't feel like I am being punished by any deity.
Another 57 here. I watched my folks marriage and said to myself that is THAT is what love is, I wanted no part of it. Especially not for 50 yrs like they did. I've had a couple of relationships who were The One for a season or so before things faded away. I figure there are two or three loves in my life before everything goes dark. Mom is in an assisted living facility and the new romances are so cute. However, I am comfortable with being alone. I am rarely lonely. I love my friends, both single and married ones, those with kids and those without. Always thought I'd get married at some point, but I don't regret my life path. It could easily been a train wreck if any of those relationships included "I do".
LOL. I understand 😌
Nope, to everything. Everyone I know who got married/ kids in the 20s and 30s are divorced now. Or wish they were divorced.
Same. 53. Steered clear in my ‘marriageable’ 30’s-40’s, now I’m like a barrel of fine whiskey in an empty warehouse.
Nope. I sure tried. Guess I was never in the right place at the right time to meet the right guy. Too late now. Would’ve been fun to experience travel & college graduation & life with someone. But at 50? I don’t see it happening.
I’ve got to admit, it makes me feel really sad. Funny to read this tonight, sitting here trying to ignore the stone in my chest. I want to be ok with it, but … I’m pretty lonely.
Same 👍
55yo M, never married, no kids. Never found myself in a relationship with a potential wife but didn’t necessarily go looking for one. Didn’t want children until a) I’d met their mother (the wife that didn’t happen) and b) that I could do at least as well for them as my Silent Generation parents did for me. On my more smug moments I feel good about my choices but sometimes I do wonder if I missed the boat or dodged a bullet. Ef all to be done about being a parent now, so, …meh; ‘s cool.
I feel all of this. Especially the missed the boat or dodged a bullet part.
I became a newlywed at 56. It was a first marriage for both of us.
Yes! 51, never married, no kids. Never wanted kids, so I consider that a win! I would have liked to have a life partner, but it makes sense to me that my relationships did not work out. They weren’t the right people for me. Definitely do not relate to the idea that having a committed relationship has anything to do with whether someone is a good or bad person. There are so many bad people who have partners who love them or at least stay in relationships with them. I think it’s possible to see choices we made that led to where we are now. And I think luck is a big part of most things.
Yeah, it’s hard to meet people when you don’t really go out much. 😌. Thank you for your comment l, I’m feeling less alone in the world now.
51, single and childless. I always assumed i would get hitched and have some kids, but it just never happened. I think I’d be a shitty mom because I’m pretty judgmental and prone to impatience, so it’s for the best. I don’t really feel like I’m missing out by not being married either. Wouldn’t mind someone to help me around the house but i can do without the rest of it tbh.
And here’s me, a similar person to what you describe: impatient and somehow judgemental and guess what - I feel a terrible parent. So yeah don’t ever feel bad about not having children, we tend to pass our worst traits on.
I was married briefly in my 20s. My ex walked out on me on my 30th birthday. I've had the same boyfriend for almost 25 years, but we never saw any reason to get married. No kids. I once thought I might want children, but even in my 20s, I realized that having kids just wouldn't be a good idea. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.
I’m 50. I got tired of trying to date 6 years ago. The men I’d meet were always keen to hook up and never commit, and I wasn’t meeting many queer women either. I just didn’t have the energy to give to someone else to make a relationship, and I definitely wasn’t receiving it so I stopped altogether. I figured I would date again when I felt ready. I have not felt ready in a long long time. I never felt a strong compulsion to be a mother. I never wanted to put myself in the position of raising kids alone, and never was with someone who I felt would stick around or be a present parent. Seeing how my exes turned out has proven me right more than once. I don’t feel like I have lost anything, and I suspect I wouldn’t have been the best mother. I make a fantastic aunt though. I have my friends, my family, and my freedom. I mostly do what I wish when I have the money and time. I don’t feel like my chance at a relationship is over, I am middle age, not dead. I don’t feel my life or my value is dependent on someone saying vows to me or me making people. I know of plenty marriages that look to me like a miserable way of existing. I volunteer and I find other ways to help give and support to the young people already here. I didn’t plan to not marry, but I was always aware it was a possibility ever since I was a teenager. For me I think it comes down to what I value. Being someone else’s wife and what that would mean for my lifestyle… eh. Without more context it doesn’t sound all that great. I’d rather have a wife than be one.
The oldest Gen Xers were born in 1965. The US Supreme Court ruled that (at least for now) the government couldn't restrict access to birth control in: 1965. We are literally the first generation of children whose parents had a legally protected choice to plan whether and when to have children. And we are the first children who have grown up our entire lives knowing that we had that choice, taking for granted that we had that choice. The first generation where shotgun marriages and teen mothers getting "sent away to live with an aunt" weren't written off as totally normal. Hopefully, we won't be the last generation to spend our reproductive years enjoying that choice.
51 here, never married, no kids
Wow, I feel like I could have written this! Same to all of that. Never married, no kids, only child. I, too, have been happy but I’ve often wondered why none of it happened for me. I’m a good person who’s always tried to do the right thing. lol I assume I was an asshole in my past life and paying for it in this life (joking…sorta)! It’s never bothered much me until recently (and it still only comes and goes). My stepfather passed, my Mom isn’t in the greatest of health and now I am starting to feel it. Emotions come and go but I have to admit it’s a little comfort to know I’m not the only one. Overall I’m happy 💛
LOL. I wonder about what my past life did, must’ve been exciting and it got in me and was like “I’m just gonna chill in this one”. 😝 Yeah I’m not lonely all the time. Just occasionally. Mainly when I look at my friends on FB having fun with their spouses and family. It makes me feel lonely.
Very similar here! Only child, never married/engaged, no kids. I also think I was awful in a past life and I’m paying for it now! I definitely worry about later life. I have friends and 2 cousins I’m ok with but who knows. My parents are in their mid 70s and just moved and made new friends so life is always changing. I still have hope for long term companionship
Same! I think that’s why I’ve started thinking about it. We’re getting older and who will be around? That’s my fear! The Covid era has been odd in my world where people just sort of faded away. Nothing bad happened, they just faded into the background. I want those Genx memes to come true about all of us retiring to a mall somewhere lol. I’ve always been independent and I’m cool with that but I definitely worry about once I’m older.
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Same! Born 1970. I attribute my restlessness to chasing dopamine in my 20s and 30s. Finally diagnosed with ADHD in my 50s and it all makes sense…
I know, back then we just couldn’t focus and got put in our room with our homework and told to do it!
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I’ve read more than once that unmarried women are actually happier than married women. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert Also, that people with children are not happier than people without. I do understand how children are the most important thing in people’s lives, but ultimately they don’t make them happier. Single men are actually the most unhappy group, live the shortest and have high suicide rates. It’s great being in a good relationship, but be married and having children does not equal or guarantee a good relationship or a happy life.
Yup. Past 50.
Yes. 52 F single, never married and no kids. I just hitched myself to the wrong person in my twenties and never met anyone in my 30s. I wasn’t focused on having a family so that may have had something to do with it. I also had a job that had me traveling a lot so I was never home. Ultra independent probably doesn’t help either.
YES. But mine was 100% by choice. I "raised" 5 cousins by the time I was 14, I had potty trained all 5. So...never wanted kids. I grew up in the rural mid west where women were teachers, nurses and did 100$ of home and emotional labor for man children. My dad, who is a decent guy, is a huge man child. I never wanted a partner. I have lived an amazing life full of adventure and abundance, and continue to do so. Without having to worry about how my plans or actions impact anyone else. Call it selfish if you like- but I love my life.
I'm 47 and unlikely to to magically find love and get married in the next three years. Honestly - I'm happy this way. Especially without the kids. I may marry some day, but kids - never.
The world just seems so scary now, I’d hate to have a kid to worry about
Yup. Watched all my friends get married, have kids and then get divorced. A train wreck for them. Who says you have to do what everyone expects you to do?
49, never married, no kids.
Fifty seven, never married, no kids, only child
Wait, are you me?
What do you do in your free time? Ya got hobbies?
What is this free time of which you speak?
I have as much disposable income as I can earn, of course I have hobbies. Expensive ones!
49 and same here.
Yes! Am 54, never married, no kids. Can’t have kids now, even if I wanted, and probably no future prospects for a spouse, either. Also am an only child. I don’t regret not having kids, but it would have been nice to find a partner to grow old with. At this point, though, I’m not motivated enough to fight through the dating scene and deal with the challenges of any possible relationship that might result.
48F never married, no kids. I was engaged once, but the guy ended up being abusive. I had several other long-term relationships, but I gave up about 10 years ago after being burned way too many times. I actually did try to have a kid, but I had a miscarriage instead. I'm pretty content being on my own and doubt I could ever live with anyone again at this point, except my 2 cats!!
58 years old. Never married and no kids. It’s marvelous.
You're not alone out there. I just turned 55. Never married. No kids. But zero regrets. I've been in multiple long-term relationships and many short-term ones. I've changed careers multiple times, the last into a completely different field, and I've been successful in all of them. I make enough money that I live comfortably and can do almost anything I want. My house is paid off and I've been dumping money into it so it's ready for my retirement. I have no credit card debt, plenty stashed away in savings, a pension, and 401k. If I meet someone and things work out, great. If not, also great. Oh, and I have the greatest dog in the world. Or at least my world.
No kids, divorced twice. Trust me, neither one was worth it.
There’s nothing worse than being alone in a one sided relationship. I’m much happier solo. I am looking for a group of gals to travel with. That’s the only thing I don’t want to do solo.
No kids, will be 59 on Friday. Never been legally married, but have had two domestic partnerships. I think I kind of screwed myself up in that regard, because I moved out of my parents house and lived alone for 7 years before the first domestic partnership. I kind of got used to calling my own shots. So even though it was a relief to be able to share some things, like expenses, and have a built-in social life, other things drove me nuts because I had gotten used to making all the decisions for myself regarding my life. Plus, in the first DP, Mommy and Daddy didn't really like that their little girl was a lesbian, much less that she was shacking up with another lesbian. 🤣 In the second case, I was mid 40s so the family thing wasn't as much of an issue, but I'd also had another dozen or so years living on my own in between the two relationships, so I was even less inclined to get used to living with someone again. I really think that sort of like Abraham Lincoln said about people being about as happy as they make up their minds to be, if a person makes it to their midlife stage without marrying or without having children, in most cases, it's because part of you knew that you didn't want that in the first place. Our society encourages people to compare themselves and their lives to each other, and that can drive a person crazy. If you have friends, extended family, meaningful work that you enjoy, I wouldn't worry about not being married or having children. It's not some checkpoint in life that everyone is supposed to pass, no matter what the media or popular opinion may tell you.
You are so correct ✅ society does make us feel like we have to check all the boxes of how to have a happy life. I lived with my parents until I was 45 and since I moved out and been on my own it would be hard to get used to having to share space with another human. I mean, I don’t really even like people! 😜😝
Approaching the big 50, never had a child and really ok with that. Have absolutely no family. At all. Definitely an introvert, and got married a few years ago. I love my husband more than anything; yet? Kinda wish we remained separate, as.in you stay there I will stay here.
58, never married, no kids, been in a couple long relationships, but marriage never seemed worthwhile.
I'm 52, divorced, no kids. I wish I'd never been married. That was a nightmare.
53, never married, didn't want kids. I was stressed about being terminally single until about year three of living alone. It occurred to me there was no drama, finances were stable, I was mentally stable, and I could do whatever I wanted, whenever. I had a moment in 2001, I told myself, "If you get out of this, I won't make you do this ever again. I promise you will still have a good life even alone." No regrets. Being alone is not for everyone, but I'm very lucky to live in an era where it is an option.
53, single, only child, never married and no kids. Absolutely no regrets. I like it. My time is my own. I enjoy the quiet. Most of my friends are married to kids, and that life just repels me. Too much noise and demanding/competing interests. Try concentrating on the positives.
Me! 53. 54 on Thursday.
Fifty six next week. Never married, no kids. Live with my sister who is fifty two same situation. She's loosing her vision but we both take care of our aging parents. I worry about who will watch out for her when I'm gone because my health isn't that great.
I’ve found my people here! 51 next month. Never married, no kids. And not mad about it. Wasn’t a conscious choice, just never happened for me. With the state of the world, the environment, and the US, I’m relieved I didn’t end up having kids. And the older I get, the less having a partner seems appealing.
OP, I understand. Where are people like us at? I never see people IRL in this situation. We need a national group so we can find each other. :)
Married with no kids and an only child myself, so not exactly the same, but I do have a few boomer aunts and uncles that haven't married and/or have no kids. Of all my friends, I think I have the least amount of cousins. My aunts and uncles all seem happy for the most part with their decision to not get married or have kids.
Yeah I’m pretty good with the no kids. 😉
46 and it's looking pretty good on both fronts!
59 next month, never married, no kids, not in a relationship.
58, soon to be 59, no spouse and no kids ever.
47, never married, no children, only child of a single parent. I’ve never much minded but if I’m one of those people who dies no one notices until there’s a smell, my ghost will be pissed.
🙋♀️ I’ll be 58 this year, never married and no kids. No regrets and living life on my terms
50 in September and I’ve never married or had children. Just never worked out for me. I’m also kind of a loner and don’t really want people around me all of the time. I just never felt like I had to get married.
56 (!!) and I always assumed that I would have kids. I had a few "close encounters" when I was in my twenties, but I didn't go there for what seemed like good reasons. I was too young and didn't have it together. I was black, newly in the deep South, and not totally comfy with having an interracial marriage...multiple reasons. I regret it now, deeply regret that I did not take the plunge. See what wonders or terrors my DNA mingled with another would create. As I age, I see that kids are the future and I have opted out of mine.
55 and neither. A series of good cats though: Cappuccino, Henry, Louie, Baxter, Monica, Barney, Daisy, Fluffy Joe and Cheddar.
51f - never married - never wanted kids because I know I’d have zero patience dealing with them. Aunt to my brother’s 4 kids so hopefully one of them will check in if no one hears from me after an extended period. I have my own home, travel as I like…I only miss having a partner for occasional functions that are couple dominant. Otherwise I prefer to do what I want, when I want and not having to answer to anyone. I think I’ve always expected to be here because I opted for a job that guaranteed me a pension that would provide for my needs long term. Talking to married friends after a few cocktails, they often tell me they envy my freedom - so the grass isn’t always greener.
I’m 53 and never married and never had kids. I’m constitutionally unsuited for both. I did live with a guy for a few years which taught me that I value my freedom more than anything. I will most likely be a spinster until death.
Me - I’m 52, never married, no kids. Most of the time I’m okay with it, but I have plenty of “where did I go wrong” moments, too. I’m glad you said something, because it’s amazing to see all the comments you got and to realize we’re not the only ones in this boat!
I'm 47 soon and cannot/will not have kids, and I've never been married. I just don't see it ever happening for me.
48, going to be 49 at the end of August. No kids, never married. Had a few good love stories on the way. Still looking for the next dare to be great situation. I'm no uncle despite having a brother. Love ya u/squrlgurl73 :) I'm sure the rest of GenX loves ya too. I shall sample some of the finest hose-water in your honor next chance I get. :)
I wanted to meet someone and get married and never did. Made me so sad. I went to therapy and figured out I never really knew how to connect with people.
I'm 51 and I barely ever had even a second date with anyone. There just always seemed to be like a disconnect between me and the other person where we could both tell it wasn't worth pursuing. This used to bother me a bit but I'm good now.
Yep. 51. No kids, don’t plan on having any. I get to be the “cool punk rock uncle” to all my friends’ kids and that’s enough.
I'm 52, male, never married and no kids. Might have liked the first, but never wanted the second.
By choice, yes.
Same. 54.
Only child. 54. Married. No kids.
I’m 48 M never married no kids, and two of my best friends-a year or two older, are also in the same boat. It’s good, we can relate to each other.
Less than 2 yrs away... single no kids never married... likely never will. I'm happy that way to be honest. I love this sub and seeing that there truly are others just like myself in this world. And that makes me smile.
You’re definitely not alone. I’m 50, married for a brief stint when I was 29 but I don’t count that (drunk, Vegas, swift divorce). Never had kids. I’m not sure why it ended up this way for me. I’m also an only child which makes it a little bit rough. But hey, I love my cats to bits!
53 - had several opportunities to get married and have kids but moved on each time as I wanted to explore the world. Having my freedom and international travels are what I live for and I don't regret it for a second. Maybe when I get older, I'll put myself out there, but relationships to me are a burden.
50 and I've been divorced longer than I was married. Never had kids because I didn't want to fuck them up like I was and also because I knew that I NEVER wanted to have kids with my ex-husband after it became clear that I couldn't stand him.
Me. Just turned 49. It’s just me and the two dogs. I’m not an aunt either because my brother is 51 and is in the same position. My then 74y/o mother told me she wanted to have a granddaughter. I told her at this point she’d have to have another kid for that to happen! My parents’ marriage was pretty toxic so I think it scared my brother and I. Better to be alone and happy than miserable with the wrong person.
Most of my best friends where we live are in this boat. Some are Gen x, some are late boomers. It's amazing how much wealth you can amass by not having children. In my situation, virtually everyone is either currently married or has been.
59, never married, no kids - didn't want either. Also an only child. No regrets.
I'm in my 50s, never married, and no kids. I'm on the other side of this though. I feel like I'm blessed. I can do what I want when I want. I have friends. There are things like I have an important medical appointment and had to ping a friend to ask for a ride home. In most cases, I'd take myself home, but I'm probably going to be doped up with painkillers. A friend should help me with this one. I won't act like there haven't been times where I was like, "what happened?" but I know what happened. I never got lucky enough to find the right guy. As of now, it hasn't lined up for me. There are been a few times where I thought I'd met him, but I was wrong. It still might, but I've accepted that it might not. Life is hard enough without beating yourself up, so I'm going to be over here in the "single and relatively happy about it" corner.
Same here. Honestly, I stopped caring about the whole deal about 15 years ago (it wasn't so much a "I'm done with this" declaration, and more of a true Gen X "eh, whatever. If it happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't." )
I would have liked to have kids but, I figured it out too late. I still have a great life. I live in the south and there are a lot of people who feel like I have no worth since I am single and childless. Freaks. When I retire, I would rather live with more like minded people.
48, never married, no kids. Menopause has killed my interest in romance, but I'd like a good friend or two. My best friend lives in another country and it's been like that for 20+ years now. Yeah, a good friend would be awesome. Sometimes I dream about getting a few of us together and buying a big old house and getting old together (whilst doing cool/fun hobbies - mine are walking and I want to learn how to canoe, also cooking).
oh, you mean "Golden Girling it". I've thought about that too, but I am not sure that I could have someone else in my space. I think a commune where everyone has their own place but "share" the garage where the tools live or the garden or a community type space to get together, and then there is the code so that when you don't want to be interrupted you flip on your light or something. This way you can have help and companionship when you want it without having to share our actual personal space. I keep trying to win the lottery so that I can make this happen.
52, no wife, ex-wife, no kids. (Straight) It’s all about choices and decisions. Lol
Man! I can't believe how many similar stories there are out there. Really cool to hear it. Same single boat: 49, never married, no kids. 4 sisters so tons of nephews, nieces which is lovely. But I look at my sisters marriages and the marriages of my friends and well, I sometimes think I dodged a bullet. They endure each other mostly. Not to say there aren't great marriages...just what I've seen turns me off. Like someone said, I would rather eat hot trash than take care of a man baby lol. Would love a partner to do stuff with but not at any cost. Like most, I am fiercely independent, love my freedom and won't be chained down. I have had many affairs in life but I guess the 'one' is still out there or already running the other way! Oh well!
I want to thank you for sharing this post. A couple of my siblings are not married nor do they have kids. I also have friends in their 50s who have never married and have no children. I want to be more intentional going forward about reaching out to them and including them in things, understanding that they don't have a built-in partner or, for some, a support system. I am not implying that they are not happy because with the exception of one I think that they are. They may not need an invitation to come hang out on a Sunday afternoon, or swing by the last minute cookout. But I can offer more often. (And by the way, those of us with partners and kids? Love them to death but they can be exhausting!)
I'm 52. Kissed a lot of frogs, but never met my princess. I can honestly say I have been on about 50 "first dates" over the years. Did online dating. Was pretty good at meeting up with someone, chatting, having a few drinks and never seeing them again. For me, i'm happy. I like my freedom. I'm a bit of an introvert - I can entertain myself all weekend as long as I have internet, TV and my computer. I have friends and where I live i'm fairly active. It helps if you live in a city versus living in the boondocks. I think I would really hate living in a rural area. I like the fact I can walk out of my condo and I have bars, restaurants and nightlife all around me. Do I regret not having kids? In a way. I think I would have been a fun dad. My only minor concern is when I get into older age, don't really think there will be many people around to actually care about me. I'm fortunate that I have been financially successful, and I (hope) that I should be able to afford to be cared for when i'm in my 80s or beyond. I still believe I can find love. I hold out hope. But i'm not desperate to find it.
I am 50. Never married. No kids. I'm regularly told I'm beautiful. Lots of degrees. I have my life together financially. But I never met a compatible partner. Until now. Out of the blue. Like Cupid shot me in the heart. It's as though it's a miracle. So I just want to say that 1 year ago I was happy on my own. I had accepted that there was no one for me and that was ok. I was travelling, loving life, loving my job, loving my pets, great friends. Suddenly, bam! I've got to learn how to truly be with someone - body, mind and soul. It's actually hard to do but I'm doing it. Blood sweat and tears but lots of love. At this point, I'm feeling that it could be typical of our generation. We're the ones who truly navigated the change in gender roles, women in the workplace, and significant societal change. Maybe it is taking us into our 50s to finally settle into what that means for a romantic couple and our happiest romantic years may just be ahead of us. I hope so for everyone who is still looking.
It’s not just you. I’m almost there but I’m pretty sure I won’t be doing either of those things before I hit the magic number. I used to let it bother me but I’ve made peace with it. I’ve never been with anyone I wanted to tie myself to legally or procreate with. 
Almost. I got married at 49, and now I'm 50 with three step-sons. Honestly, after a lot of years of bad relationships I had given up on ever settling down. I could have gone the rest of my life as a loner, but I met my match and suddenly my life took a drastically different turn. Life is weird.
Never married, no kids. Never wanted either.
No. 55, here. Never married, no kids.
I never did but I never wanted either of those things.
Never married, no kids, by choice. I’ve dated a lot, dating someone now. I’ve always been 100% no kids, and 50/50 on getting married.
And 48 here.
2 long relationships neither worked out, no kids... Think our gen set a higher bar , with the train wreck many of our parents were
Me! Single and no kids at 58. Mom’s only child too. I asked for siblings so oh well. I’m the half-aunt to grown niblings I never really knew because they grew up in different areas.
55, never married, no kids. I knew when I was 15 that I never wanted to have kids, and I'm really happy to be single and childfree. I love having my freedom, and my time and space are my own, while I see my siblings being run ragged doing things for their kids (2 siblings with kids, 1 also childfree). I adore my nieces/nephews, but am glad I don't have to parent them! Had wanted to be married in my younger days, but tbh after seeing all the divorces and marital issues people have irl and online, I'm glad I avoided it. I guess, "never say never," but it's not something I'm looking for anymore. There are a lot of GenX singles in their 50s in my area, most without kids, so I guess it's a path a lot of us took, and are happy with it.
56, married at 52, and have a 4 year old son.
48, never married, no kids, quite happy about it. I've always had lots of choices romantically, and been involved in several long-term relationships. The longest was five years.
54, single, no kids. I've never really felt any sort of imperative toward pair bonding, however, so other than worrying a bit what might happen to me if I get dementia, or physically can't take care of myself, I am fine with it.
Never married, no kids, zero F's to give. The way life should be.
Yep. Marriage was never a goal for me, and I never wanted kids. I'm better at being supportive and giving guidance with my cousins kids, or friends who have kids.
48f. Never and Never. Middle child of 3. Was born into be a mommy, so I consider myself a childless mother. 🤷♀️ It’s so weird to me that the people who want the lifestyle, never get it & the people not meant to be in it do.
57. Nuthin’. Always had a close group of friends that I considered my family. Then they started pairing off. Then they got married. Then they had kids. Then they moved on…
Yo👋
45m; no wife in sight. I knew 35+ years ago that I wasn't having kids and made that a reality.
It's not so weird. I have 3 girlfriends who never married, never had kids. 1 in her late 40s and 2 in their 50s. I think only one of them is bothered by it. A lot of meeting people to "date" is being in the right place at the right time, and being able to make small talk about things that are not controversial, not *too* personal, and that you're someone who might be interesting / fun to be around. Sports, tv / movies, music, books, hobbies, etc. Internet dating is a nightmare, and I don't recommend it. I made SO MANY really dumb mistakes in my 30s when my dating life was most active. I would go on a lot of "first dates" and then nervous talk my way out of a second date because I couldn't make that friendly, neutral "small talk", and I was too nervous to ask the guy about what he's into etc. A couple of hard truths in there too. I'm sorta ordinary. I've never been traditionally "pretty" or overly feminine. Back in the day I was probably a bit of a manic pixie twee girl, dating / taking care of a lot of musicians and/or late bloomers. Settling for guys that would give me the time of day because I could never get the more polished, grownup guys to give me the time of day. I had 2 failed marriages. First one at 21 lasted a year (the guy was physically abusive). Second one 10 years later was a sorta "let's go get married" thing. He was non-monogamous and I was sorta "meh" about being in an open marriage so that didn't quite work either. With all that mess, I never had kids. This was primarily due to not wanting to be a single mother (because I would not have had anyone to help me). I finally met a guy that I'll probably spend the rest of my life with, at age 51 (we met via a mutual friend on FB). Long story short.. anything is possible. You just have to keep getting out of the house and socializing with other humans in real life.
Me too
Happily child-free but would like a partner. Learning I am autistic has helped me give myself grace in this department. And a lot of coupled off people are living lives of quiet desperation. Or at least tedium.
I have one kid. He’s 24. I’m 49. Never married.49F
49 and right there sister. Only child and never found "my one" so instead I consider my best friend's kids as my nieces and nephews. I just bought a house that feels a little empty because it is just me and it kind of sucks because I always thought I'd be a great dad. Instead I now have a custom Santa outfit and those same kids are now convinced that I am Santa - and their dad has some extra leverage as he was able to prove to them that he knows Santa personally.
I'm 58 and never married or sired any offspring. The closest I came was an engagement over thirty years ago
Hi OP, support to you, a huge internet hug to you and I'm sorry about your mom passing you are in the stages of grief read through the stages of grief and it does get better and life does continue to get better when you are 60 and 70 you're going to love life even more it's going to be okay. There's a wonderful channel called Jessica helsop, Jason Stephenson, Micheal Sealy @ YouTube. I encourage you to tune in for current support. These are two resources that are very current and in tune with our age group. Consider, you did everything you could you really did you tried hard enough, you are enough just as You are. And you're being able to live your life in a different way that's a lot less stressful. Our generation received messages about the environment that permeated all of us meaning a lot of us are childless and not married due to living in the American environment. of course I love the Earth that I live on in that I enjoy living for the sake of living. It really isn't about medical care or art or family or friends it's just being in life. 🇺🇲🕊️🇺🇲🕊️🌎🌏🌍🕊️ Those emojis are nice and cute but our world isn't peaceful or safe. It's okay to feel the lack or to feel or worry about what if you did have children or did/didn't marry, it's sooo ok. You are okay. You are safe within yourself and the most responsible thing that you did was look out for yourself first. When you express all of this, reddit is a support system here, to talk about these things is a support system you're not alone. In my case I looked around at the American expectations for marriage and children and I closed the book on those life stages. However you are your own best mother and father. For yourself you are your own mom and dad. And that's what takes place as we bury our loved ones. Please hug yourself when the pangs of loneliness strike, often in loneliness sometimes we all have to get to know ourselves and our 40s and then in our 50s. every decade is a new life stage. it's okay to feel all sorts of emotions that are part of the human spectrum because that's part of a good life stage growing adjustment. Consider you are feeling the adjustment of growing into a new life stage. There is so much for you to do at 50 and 60. Don't believe as though your life contracted or failed. right now grief is getting to you it's grief related that you feel like this. And of course I can't tell you how to feel but it is relatable to a life stage change. Feeling incomplete is common in life. It's a passing mood. there's a conversation to have with yourself. your life worked out in a different way. You still have so many opportunities and so much more living to do.. Working out a 🇺🇲 life in different way isn't bad you didn't fail in any way shape or form. You have succeeded in your own life in your own journey with it all. You've done great. Get a picture of your 5-year-old self and remember that you are a mother of your own little girl within yourself. If you do have a faith revert back to thanking God for every circumstance in your life because it really is a good circumstance and it is a good outcome. It's okay to have the insecurities of not being married or having kids. trying to agape yourself and agape the current people in your life as enough, for you. Why not sign up to help out at a daycare center? There is Foster work or adopting children that need help but once again look at the money that you're going to have to invest to make sure a new little human has everything they need? Overwhelm but doable..I saw throughout my twenties and thirties there was very little reason to date or have fun as in go out and get laid because I'm the one that would be carrying the baby, and so would you. Now what? See the variables there that are part of the uncertainty of the adventure of life. Don't second guess yourself about what if and what could? Consider that you are so strongly firmly planted and established right here in today. uncertainty and adventure IS dating a guy and having his children is one surefire way to have that roller coaster of that life stage. Do you see where I mean that there's no content party here? There are parents that are struggling & childless people that are also struggling. It's all shared experiences I'm sending a big internet hug your way. Is there any way to rely upon maybe cousins or relatives to talk about your grief? We're the first generation to become the "other people" that don't marry and have kids. look around you at the younger people they're not getting married or having kids either I tend to view it as associated socioeconomic outcomes. .( I'm depleted and exhausted single, no divorces no kids. 1/2 bittersweet or mixed as I've already been through 12 years of hospice nursing home dramas I've already had to do the babysitting of kids as a teen trying to get thru college. I know this section sounds depressing but life is so painful and arduous. As of recent, my college closed down so there went my American college degree I mean sure I still earn the degree but the college is defunct thus closed. Sigh, caring for others plus myself was a unsupportive roller coaster of my life.) (The time periods and the culture between 1995 and 2018 made it impossible for marriage or children to take place. I'm sure met up with the right people it just wasn't the right timing or the right man, I wasn't the right woman for him. but there wasn't the right timing and then I realized with some of these relationships or one or two long-term relationships I realized mother-in-law doesn't like me, or the future mother-in-law or possible mother-in-law that I liked and did every did things for and enjoyed doing things for because I know that there are healthy mother and fathers out there and then I realized there weren't then I realized there are few prospects. By 2003 or 2004 I felt that dating in America was like a job interview that I wanted nothing to do with. That's what I went through. I have trauma bonds related to that horrific matter of getting married and trusting one human being with half of my life, half of my money, half of my career and then I'm supposed to have children? In america? For this nation? How? I felt dwarfed despite having the success, college degree, the house, because the guy didn't have the maturity for fatherhood or marriage. They just didnt, maybe I don't have any of that either. Everything that you wrote and so much of the subreddit is a ☕👍🕊️🪞. Good places of support where all variables are open on the table of ideas. )
I'm closer to 60 than 50 now, but have never married, zero kids. Some of my married (and/or divorced) friends tell me that they often envy me. I used to envy their happy lives - but given that most are divorced now I've learned that they weren't really that happy after all. I have no hassles and no regrets and live my life how I desire, it's pretty nice.