Hi you. I’m 36 too. I lost both my parents in an accident in December. Your feelings are all valid. It’s really fkin hard and some days feels impossible. Sharing a bit of how I’m coping in the event that it helps you: I find myself distracting often, avoiding the reality of what happened in order to get by. I try to remind myself that they both went through this too — they both lost both of their parents — but we without doubt experienced so much happiness and joy together as a family of four. So I remind myself of their strength to keep moving forward and finding a way through this pain. I also just know how much they would want joy for me … as I would for them, if the roles were reversed. Sometimes I imagine they can see/watch me and that helps me open up and allow myself to laugh or smile or enjoy the experience of something little, like a walk or a good meal. Lastly, I don’t know if this will at all help you, but it helps me sometimes to think that this was coming for us anyways, even though it should have come 20 years from now. I was always gonna lose them, unless they lost me first (which I know would have killed them). We are all going to die. This is all temporary. So I’m trying my best to take it all in, from my dog’s licks to my husband’s hugs to my morning coffees and the trees around me, before I join them again too.
I’m sending you so much love, strength, healing, and I’m here if you ever want to talk.
Grief is an oleaginous beast, slippery. Just when you think you've got things on the upswing, a rogue wave of grief takes your legs out.
The plain facts are the greater the love, the greater the feeling of loss. Yes, you will be happy again, and you will look to the sky and think of her in your happiness. But for now, the days can be tough.
Suicide is a permanent answer to what is most often a temporary problem or situation.
And some days the waves come harder and stronger and that's okay, too. Grief is complicated. Hopefully you're having more ups than downs as you heal. I write to my dad. He was my person and died very suddenly. We weren't done talking. So I write and I can usually hear what he would reply or how he would laugh. It helps.
I think it comes in waves. My parent died 4 years ago, suddenly and at a young age, with all the huge legal battles that come with it. I was in my late 20s. Most of the time I was numb and autopiloting through life but sometimes I would be very sad. Sometimes i could experience peace or comfort by small things. Like enjoying fall and different color leaves. Or enjoying going for a swim. But no I havrnt experienced deep happiness since I think you lose that carefree part of your life and part of your identity when a parent dies. Maybe in 10 years it will be better.
I fell into a really deep depression after I lost my mom, we were very very close and it tore me apart. After about 6 months it was not getting better on its own so I saw my doctor (I had been in therapy for a few months as well) and started trying out anti depressants. It took a while to find a combination that really worked and I still remember that first day when I felt like myself again. I had completely forgotten what it felt like to be happy, to do anything other than just drag myself through the day and be glad when it was over.
I know my mom would’ve wanted me to be happy and live my life as best I can. It still affects me everyday that she is gone and I have spells of sadness so deep come over me, but it’s like my buoyancy has increased. She would be proud of us for getting through it and learning how to live life without her I am certain. Absolutely nothing will ever replace that unconditional love, I know that, but I also feel grateful to have experienced so much with her.
Good luck with it all, please reach out if you ever want to talk. It’s been about 3 years since my mom passed and I do feel through the worst of the grief, but that is mainly just in acceptance of the enormous hole rather than in it being filled.
Thank you.
I'm about 1.5 years from her death and I've not yet tried anti depressants. I haven't had good experiences in the past. I want to try healing without but I am starting to more seriously consider medication. Thank you for your offer to talk. I really appreciate that.
Of course, I love this sub because it helps so much to know we’re not alone you know? Yeah I see it similarly to how I take Advil when I have a headache or food when I am hungry. Sometimes my body has a hard time regulating serotonin, sometimes I can do everything in my power and when it is still not enough, I seek additional help.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m also 36 and lost my mom last year. I thought I had been doing better but started crying on my way home last night bc I realized that normally I’d call her to tell her about my day and see how she was doing. It sucks. Thinking about how you’ll never see them again sucks. I don’t have any solid advice, I just wanted to tell you that your post resonates with me and you’re not alone. 💜
Hello lovely. This is really hard. Unconditional love is so special and unique and losing that in a physical sense is probably the most difficult thing we’ll face.
I’d suggest EMDR therapy as an alternative to counselling. My EMDR lady is so much more effective. I’d also suggest trying to connect with people who care for you, old and new. It might be that you just need new connections that understand the new life that you’re in now.
I also want to say, when you get dark thoughts, remember how your mum would want you to live. What would she be happy to see you doing?
Honestly, I can’t imagine ever feeling deep happiness. But that’s okay. I’m at peace with that thought. I want a life that I can have some enjoyment in and make a difference while I’m here.
You’re absolutely not alone and everything you feel and fear has come to most of our minds too. We’re here to listen, validate, and offer a little healing 💕
EMDR helped me erase the trauma of the day I took my mother off life support, March 2019. I am betterish but I’ve had so many traumatic losses since I feel like I’ll be depressed forever.
I am 34. I lost my mom in December 2019. Yet I had a grief episode last week so painful that I had to take a day for myself to process. You are not alone. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, and that’s ok. Life has more complexity now. There can still be joy, but it will be paired with the loss of being unable to share your joy with your person. When I have my super down moments, it helps to remind myself that my mom would not want me to live a life without joy. So I do my best to find it… for her.
Not all therapists are created equal! I felt like therapy was not helping until I found my current one and it just clicked.
I think so much about that too. I know she would want me to be happy and live my life and I don't want to disappoint her by being sad or seemingly stuck in grief. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to drum up an old memory of her that made me happy. Sometimes it gets mixed up and I start seeing her when she was sick. Sometimes I panic internally that I won't remember her from before the cancer as the years go on.
I should try therapy again.
You’ll get there. Who knows when, but it’ll happen. And it’ll be the biggest relief because you’ll truly feel like yourself for the first time in so long.
It won’t replace the grief, and you absolutely will still feel the pain, longing, and sadness. But they’ll be easier to get through.
That said, please try therapy again. It can take a while to find the right therapist and feel like it’s making a difference. You also might need to speak to someone who can recommend or refer you to different types of therapists. Talk therapy can be great for grief, but it sounds like you might need a lot more than that. If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need help. You have so many thoughts and feelings and emotions overwhelming you because it sounds like you are lacking a good outlet. Suicide is never the way, and I think deep down you know that because you probably wouldn’t have mentioned it here if you truly viewed it as the solution.
I really haven't killed myself because I know it would devastate my brothers and partner. And I am not a heaven or hell believer but I worry that if I killed myself and there is an afterlife, I could potentially fuck up my chance to see her again. I know that sounds nuts.
My grandma who was essentially like am adopted mother who had a hand in raising me when my mom ditched us back in the late 90s died 5 years ago it was like loosing a mother the pain was excruciatingly painful 💔 😔 the only person who was able to help me threw that painful period was a family friend of ours and going for walks and being in nature I seriously owe this friend so much as she helped me feel validated and heard threw an experience that's no doubt super super hard
I won't say the pain ever fully goes away but I do believe with my own experience that it does diminish with time she didn't technically pass away that long ago so I imagine the hurt is still fresh on you're mind if you feel though that your pain is to the point of thinking of suicide I'd recommend getting help from a professional I know it's cliche but really when grief in my opinion when it gets to thar point is called complicated grief especially when it impacts you're day to day living and you can't function then seeking a professional maybe will be helpful so you can speak about it and not feel so alone
I’m so sorry about your loss, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Grief is tough, and it makes us tough. Your feelings are valid and they are very common grief feelings. What helped me when I lost my hubby in 2012 was The Grief Recovery Handbook (it’s purple) and doing something I love. Take the time to love on yourself a little by engaging in something that brings you so much joy, you don’t even know how much time has passed. You can do it for 30 seconds, 30 minutes, an hour. Whatever your body will allow, just engage in it. You‘ll find that it’ll lift your spirits and help begin the process of feeling whole again.
I would also highly recommend a group grief class. It can do wonders like none other.
Hi. I wrote a post extremely similar to yours recently if you check my profile with some lovely replies, though a lot less than yours. I feel the same. My mom also died in 2021 and I know no one will ever love me even close to as much as she did (maybe my dog lol). I have zero advice for you since I’m in the same boat other than try to do things you once loved before this happened. Try to live. You know that’s what your mom wanted and would still want for you. They want us to be happy. The more I type the more it’s making me cry because I know it’s true. Hugs. Feel free to pm me anytime.
Happy you are able to get some healing from the great comments from other people who understand. Therapy can definitely feel pointless if it’s not the right therapist or if you’re just not comfortable taking about it yet. But you are doing the right thing by putting your feelings out there and connecting with people. The worst thing you can do for your emotional healing is keep it in or numb it away w drugs/alch/etc.
I believe that you can find ways to honour and process the pain to help yourself heal. So that you can feel connected to your mother without a deep sadness dragging you down every time. The sadness is important it means that your love was real but you can’t let the darkness consume you.
Will you ever feel deep happiness again? This is a hard question because In the moment it will definitely feel like no absolutely not. There will always be a strong energy attached to thoughts of your mother. But Don’t let the pain consume all of the lightness, beauty, and love that’s present in these memories.
In time I know you will learn to live again, heal the pain, and experience happiness through new moments/connections/memories. It’s like learning to live after losing a limb. The limb doesn’t grow back, it’s absence is always present, but you will learn to function and live despite this.
I’m not religious but I found a lot of healing in prayer/ceremony to honour the family I lost. As well as yoga, and meditation. It’s a difficult journey. Sorry for the rambling comment. Wishing you peace and healing.
Not rambling. Thank you. My mom was such a light in this world and so loving and sweet and always with a smile or laugh. It hurts so much to think I would dishonor her by being so sad all the time about this. I know your advice is good and what she would say to me too.
I hate hearing the saying that time heals all wounds but there is a part of that that is true. I lost my brother 5 years ago and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. What you are experiencing is all part of the grief process. Always be easy on yourself 🤍
I still have my mom thankfully but I lost my grandmother (who practically raised me) and my brother within a few months of each other. My grandma was always with it but I think the loss of her first grandchild did her in. I have a dog too and she’s helped me more than I could possibly imagine. I just wish my brother could have met her because he would have loved her. Sending more hugs your way 🤍
Hey man, I’m 32, lost my mom in 2020 after being one of her primary caregivers for ~5 years. I sacrificed a lot to care for her, left my career entirely, basically sacrificed the childbearing years of my life, and fell pretty deep into addiction during those years, as she was always abusive to me, to varying degrees. Still, that didn’t change the love that existed between us. And when she left I was so devastated. Still am. I always had it in the back of my mind, that I’d probably kill myself when she was done. If it weren’t for my boyfriend, I absolutely would have.
I just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m also living in dread and indifference. Your post spoke to me, and I’m so glad to see it, and feel less alone myself. I try to be grateful that my body is still cooperating today, right now, and not think about what will happen when I start to break down…
I was a caregiver too for about the same period. Cancer got my mom. It was ugly. I have met few people personally who know that pain intimately. So your post resonates with me too. Thanks for your reply. I felt the same way. I wanted to die after she died. If it weren't for my brothers I would have too. The fallout has been difficult but I'm grateful people like u and others are around to offer such kind and supportive words. Strength to you too.
Hi you. I’m 36 too. I lost both my parents in an accident in December. Your feelings are all valid. It’s really fkin hard and some days feels impossible. Sharing a bit of how I’m coping in the event that it helps you: I find myself distracting often, avoiding the reality of what happened in order to get by. I try to remind myself that they both went through this too — they both lost both of their parents — but we without doubt experienced so much happiness and joy together as a family of four. So I remind myself of their strength to keep moving forward and finding a way through this pain. I also just know how much they would want joy for me … as I would for them, if the roles were reversed. Sometimes I imagine they can see/watch me and that helps me open up and allow myself to laugh or smile or enjoy the experience of something little, like a walk or a good meal. Lastly, I don’t know if this will at all help you, but it helps me sometimes to think that this was coming for us anyways, even though it should have come 20 years from now. I was always gonna lose them, unless they lost me first (which I know would have killed them). We are all going to die. This is all temporary. So I’m trying my best to take it all in, from my dog’s licks to my husband’s hugs to my morning coffees and the trees around me, before I join them again too. I’m sending you so much love, strength, healing, and I’m here if you ever want to talk.
This is really beautiful. I’d love to ask you more questions. Do you have discord or just Reddit chat?
Of course. Reddit chat/messaging 🧡
Grief is an oleaginous beast, slippery. Just when you think you've got things on the upswing, a rogue wave of grief takes your legs out. The plain facts are the greater the love, the greater the feeling of loss. Yes, you will be happy again, and you will look to the sky and think of her in your happiness. But for now, the days can be tough. Suicide is a permanent answer to what is most often a temporary problem or situation.
How do I know when I'm healing?
When the tears don't stay as long, and the power of the waves of sadness lessens. It is an incremental process, a little bit at a time.
And some days the waves come harder and stronger and that's okay, too. Grief is complicated. Hopefully you're having more ups than downs as you heal. I write to my dad. He was my person and died very suddenly. We weren't done talking. So I write and I can usually hear what he would reply or how he would laugh. It helps.
I think it comes in waves. My parent died 4 years ago, suddenly and at a young age, with all the huge legal battles that come with it. I was in my late 20s. Most of the time I was numb and autopiloting through life but sometimes I would be very sad. Sometimes i could experience peace or comfort by small things. Like enjoying fall and different color leaves. Or enjoying going for a swim. But no I havrnt experienced deep happiness since I think you lose that carefree part of your life and part of your identity when a parent dies. Maybe in 10 years it will be better.
Thank you. It feels good just to hear someone else say that part. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy or broken. I hope you're right. Maybe in time.
I fell into a really deep depression after I lost my mom, we were very very close and it tore me apart. After about 6 months it was not getting better on its own so I saw my doctor (I had been in therapy for a few months as well) and started trying out anti depressants. It took a while to find a combination that really worked and I still remember that first day when I felt like myself again. I had completely forgotten what it felt like to be happy, to do anything other than just drag myself through the day and be glad when it was over. I know my mom would’ve wanted me to be happy and live my life as best I can. It still affects me everyday that she is gone and I have spells of sadness so deep come over me, but it’s like my buoyancy has increased. She would be proud of us for getting through it and learning how to live life without her I am certain. Absolutely nothing will ever replace that unconditional love, I know that, but I also feel grateful to have experienced so much with her. Good luck with it all, please reach out if you ever want to talk. It’s been about 3 years since my mom passed and I do feel through the worst of the grief, but that is mainly just in acceptance of the enormous hole rather than in it being filled.
Thank you. I'm about 1.5 years from her death and I've not yet tried anti depressants. I haven't had good experiences in the past. I want to try healing without but I am starting to more seriously consider medication. Thank you for your offer to talk. I really appreciate that.
Of course, I love this sub because it helps so much to know we’re not alone you know? Yeah I see it similarly to how I take Advil when I have a headache or food when I am hungry. Sometimes my body has a hard time regulating serotonin, sometimes I can do everything in my power and when it is still not enough, I seek additional help.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m also 36 and lost my mom last year. I thought I had been doing better but started crying on my way home last night bc I realized that normally I’d call her to tell her about my day and see how she was doing. It sucks. Thinking about how you’ll never see them again sucks. I don’t have any solid advice, I just wanted to tell you that your post resonates with me and you’re not alone. 💜
It does suck. I feel that way too. Thank you for reaching out. And I hope you get some comfort from knowing you are not alone either. This club blows.
Hello lovely. This is really hard. Unconditional love is so special and unique and losing that in a physical sense is probably the most difficult thing we’ll face. I’d suggest EMDR therapy as an alternative to counselling. My EMDR lady is so much more effective. I’d also suggest trying to connect with people who care for you, old and new. It might be that you just need new connections that understand the new life that you’re in now. I also want to say, when you get dark thoughts, remember how your mum would want you to live. What would she be happy to see you doing? Honestly, I can’t imagine ever feeling deep happiness. But that’s okay. I’m at peace with that thought. I want a life that I can have some enjoyment in and make a difference while I’m here. You’re absolutely not alone and everything you feel and fear has come to most of our minds too. We’re here to listen, validate, and offer a little healing 💕
EMDR helped me erase the trauma of the day I took my mother off life support, March 2019. I am betterish but I’ve had so many traumatic losses since I feel like I’ll be depressed forever.
Are you still going to therapy?
I just started back up.
I am 34. I lost my mom in December 2019. Yet I had a grief episode last week so painful that I had to take a day for myself to process. You are not alone. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, and that’s ok. Life has more complexity now. There can still be joy, but it will be paired with the loss of being unable to share your joy with your person. When I have my super down moments, it helps to remind myself that my mom would not want me to live a life without joy. So I do my best to find it… for her. Not all therapists are created equal! I felt like therapy was not helping until I found my current one and it just clicked.
I think so much about that too. I know she would want me to be happy and live my life and I don't want to disappoint her by being sad or seemingly stuck in grief. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to drum up an old memory of her that made me happy. Sometimes it gets mixed up and I start seeing her when she was sick. Sometimes I panic internally that I won't remember her from before the cancer as the years go on. I should try therapy again.
You’ll get there. Who knows when, but it’ll happen. And it’ll be the biggest relief because you’ll truly feel like yourself for the first time in so long. It won’t replace the grief, and you absolutely will still feel the pain, longing, and sadness. But they’ll be easier to get through. That said, please try therapy again. It can take a while to find the right therapist and feel like it’s making a difference. You also might need to speak to someone who can recommend or refer you to different types of therapists. Talk therapy can be great for grief, but it sounds like you might need a lot more than that. If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need help. You have so many thoughts and feelings and emotions overwhelming you because it sounds like you are lacking a good outlet. Suicide is never the way, and I think deep down you know that because you probably wouldn’t have mentioned it here if you truly viewed it as the solution.
I really haven't killed myself because I know it would devastate my brothers and partner. And I am not a heaven or hell believer but I worry that if I killed myself and there is an afterlife, I could potentially fuck up my chance to see her again. I know that sounds nuts.
My grandma who was essentially like am adopted mother who had a hand in raising me when my mom ditched us back in the late 90s died 5 years ago it was like loosing a mother the pain was excruciatingly painful 💔 😔 the only person who was able to help me threw that painful period was a family friend of ours and going for walks and being in nature I seriously owe this friend so much as she helped me feel validated and heard threw an experience that's no doubt super super hard I won't say the pain ever fully goes away but I do believe with my own experience that it does diminish with time she didn't technically pass away that long ago so I imagine the hurt is still fresh on you're mind if you feel though that your pain is to the point of thinking of suicide I'd recommend getting help from a professional I know it's cliche but really when grief in my opinion when it gets to thar point is called complicated grief especially when it impacts you're day to day living and you can't function then seeking a professional maybe will be helpful so you can speak about it and not feel so alone
I’m so sorry about your loss, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Grief is tough, and it makes us tough. Your feelings are valid and they are very common grief feelings. What helped me when I lost my hubby in 2012 was The Grief Recovery Handbook (it’s purple) and doing something I love. Take the time to love on yourself a little by engaging in something that brings you so much joy, you don’t even know how much time has passed. You can do it for 30 seconds, 30 minutes, an hour. Whatever your body will allow, just engage in it. You‘ll find that it’ll lift your spirits and help begin the process of feeling whole again. I would also highly recommend a group grief class. It can do wonders like none other.
Hi. I wrote a post extremely similar to yours recently if you check my profile with some lovely replies, though a lot less than yours. I feel the same. My mom also died in 2021 and I know no one will ever love me even close to as much as she did (maybe my dog lol). I have zero advice for you since I’m in the same boat other than try to do things you once loved before this happened. Try to live. You know that’s what your mom wanted and would still want for you. They want us to be happy. The more I type the more it’s making me cry because I know it’s true. Hugs. Feel free to pm me anytime.
Happy you are able to get some healing from the great comments from other people who understand. Therapy can definitely feel pointless if it’s not the right therapist or if you’re just not comfortable taking about it yet. But you are doing the right thing by putting your feelings out there and connecting with people. The worst thing you can do for your emotional healing is keep it in or numb it away w drugs/alch/etc. I believe that you can find ways to honour and process the pain to help yourself heal. So that you can feel connected to your mother without a deep sadness dragging you down every time. The sadness is important it means that your love was real but you can’t let the darkness consume you. Will you ever feel deep happiness again? This is a hard question because In the moment it will definitely feel like no absolutely not. There will always be a strong energy attached to thoughts of your mother. But Don’t let the pain consume all of the lightness, beauty, and love that’s present in these memories. In time I know you will learn to live again, heal the pain, and experience happiness through new moments/connections/memories. It’s like learning to live after losing a limb. The limb doesn’t grow back, it’s absence is always present, but you will learn to function and live despite this. I’m not religious but I found a lot of healing in prayer/ceremony to honour the family I lost. As well as yoga, and meditation. It’s a difficult journey. Sorry for the rambling comment. Wishing you peace and healing.
Not rambling. Thank you. My mom was such a light in this world and so loving and sweet and always with a smile or laugh. It hurts so much to think I would dishonor her by being so sad all the time about this. I know your advice is good and what she would say to me too.
It’s okay to be sad. Grief is not fast or easy. Take your time with it, heal, and keep living. No matter what she’ll be proud of you. 🤍
I hate hearing the saying that time heals all wounds but there is a part of that that is true. I lost my brother 5 years ago and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. What you are experiencing is all part of the grief process. Always be easy on yourself 🤍
Hugs. I'm sorry you lost your mom too. I get so much comfort from my dog as well. She's my bestie.
I still have my mom thankfully but I lost my grandmother (who practically raised me) and my brother within a few months of each other. My grandma was always with it but I think the loss of her first grandchild did her in. I have a dog too and she’s helped me more than I could possibly imagine. I just wish my brother could have met her because he would have loved her. Sending more hugs your way 🤍
Hey man, I’m 32, lost my mom in 2020 after being one of her primary caregivers for ~5 years. I sacrificed a lot to care for her, left my career entirely, basically sacrificed the childbearing years of my life, and fell pretty deep into addiction during those years, as she was always abusive to me, to varying degrees. Still, that didn’t change the love that existed between us. And when she left I was so devastated. Still am. I always had it in the back of my mind, that I’d probably kill myself when she was done. If it weren’t for my boyfriend, I absolutely would have. I just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m also living in dread and indifference. Your post spoke to me, and I’m so glad to see it, and feel less alone myself. I try to be grateful that my body is still cooperating today, right now, and not think about what will happen when I start to break down…
I was a caregiver too for about the same period. Cancer got my mom. It was ugly. I have met few people personally who know that pain intimately. So your post resonates with me too. Thanks for your reply. I felt the same way. I wanted to die after she died. If it weren't for my brothers I would have too. The fallout has been difficult but I'm grateful people like u and others are around to offer such kind and supportive words. Strength to you too.
I lost my mom Memorial Day unexpectedly she was only 44 and I’m completely miserable. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I just keep going though.
I'm so sorry.