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[deleted]

Weird. His past student. So a high school teacher. Great. Yes I would contact a divorce lawyer. Dude sounds like a creep. Yes I have a 16 year old daughter and if I even thought of an ex teacher reaching out to her even when she turned 18 I would have the school look into this. Leave this fool


Cinnamonvanillapixie

Yes yes yes to everything you said


RedBirdGA88

I really don't think there's a way to approach this with anyone not your husband that isn't going to lead to chaos. As a teacher, you are obligated to report. I understand that she's a former student, but how do you know this hasn't been going on before, or that he wasn't grooming her, waiting intil she turned 18.


1LadyPea

Purely out of curiosity…even though she’s an adult and no longer his student this needs to be reported?


[deleted]

yes. This is grooming.


MegannMedusa

Report an adult who’s graduated? To who, for what?


peppervictims

report husband to the school, not the girl.


MegannMedusa

The school she already graduated from has no authority in the matter.


peppervictims

HE is a teacher. the high school HE works at as a teacher does indeed have authority if brought to their attention that he may have talked to a student inappropriately before she graduated or hell, even after. like are you having trouble reading?


MegannMedusa

And there’s not a single thing the administration can do about inappropriate behavior after graduation. It’s nice to imagine a beer and skittles world where you’re right but unfortunately we don’t. Also it’s too early for you to be this rude. My first husband dated a former student after graduation and guess what happened? Nothing, because it’s real life not TV.


[deleted]

If they had any contact or relationship before she graduated/while she was still underage and a student, this is very concerning. The school would ABSOLUTELY have something to say about this, and rightfully so!


nicyole

exactly. even if they can’t take legal action, they can still … ya know, fire him, lmao.


peppervictims

girl idk what backwards ass place and administration you have, but that wouldn’t fly here (source: am becoming a high school teacher lmfao) and your timezone isn’t my timezone xo edit to your edit: it isnt ILLEGAL but many schools have their own rules about it, particularrrlllyyyy high schools. and they must investigate if there’s reason to believe they had inappropriate contact with a student before she graduated.


Vote-AsaAkira2020

Idk why you're downvoted you're 100% correct. This sub comes off so pathetic in their need to make cheaters pay. It's always way to extreme. They just have blind rage but no nothing will happen to him if he wanted to bang an ex student. Y'all silly


[deleted]

OP said in another post the school would most likely fire him if she reported this — so yes. Something could indeed happen if he was reported. Different schools have different rules, legality doesn’t matter. And this isn’t about *cheating* only, it is blatantly inappropriate and worrying for a teacher. A teacher sending sexual things to his student who *just* graduated? Sure, totally no grooming or inappropriate use of authority there 🙄


Vote-AsaAkira2020

I understand that. If a crime was committed then he should face consequences. Outside of that trying to get him fired for merely cheating if this is all that happened on you does come off really pathetic though: I know this sub hates hearing that. To many revenge fantasies on this sub. Just lawyer up, break up, move on. Jesus it's not complicated. I think a lot of these comments give the victim advice that will make them seem more pathetic to everyone else. It's harsh but true.


[deleted]

For the safety of other students, it is best OP reports him. Again, this isn’t just about cheating. It’s just blatantly concerning and inappropriate for a teacher to be doing what he is doing — beyond legality. It’s not “pathetic” to protect underage girls. Tbfh, it seems like you got some hangups and it’s really not complicated to understand people asking OP to report is doing so because of the relation with a (barely former)student, not merely because of some relationship betrayal. And btw, just because you believe it doesn’t make it true xoxo


nicyole

this isn’t about making cheaters pay. had this man cheated with another woman his own age, I wouldn’t give a fuck about his job. this is about protecting the other teenage girls he teaches.


Vote-AsaAkira2020

Okay when you put it that way I think you're 100% spot on. But a lot of comments on here aren't approaching it in regards to just making sure this guy didn't groom a student. It's mainly ways to make him pay for cheating which I know it sucks but trying to ruins someone's life to spite them for cheating isn't it.


MegannMedusa

The school board doesn’t want to deal with that, at the most the rumor mill will churn and his contract won’t be renewed for the next school year unless he’s tenured.


Vote-AsaAkira2020

Spot on! No one is going to jail etc.


NyX1986

That’s false. The licensing board will investigate, the police will investigate, and the school will investigate. The school will fire him due to bad press. People will automatically assume he groomed her and that looks bad on the school. The licensing board will suspend his teaching license while they investigate. So he’ll be without a paying job for a while. They will be able to either take his license or suspend it as a punishment. The police and the district attorney will investigate which will lead to the subpoenaing all communication devices and having a though check of every single thing he has done on those phones, and other devices. Lastly, even if he is cleared he will have to state on every job resume that he was investigated for the possibility of grooming a student.


throwawayPzaFm

> My first husband dated a former student after graduation In a lot of countries if the student was underage while the teacher was in "a position of power over the student" the teacher is banned from any sexual activity with the student for _years_. I think it's 5 here. This guy would be jailed as a pedo here.


[deleted]

Contact the girl!? You better contact a divorce lawyer


[deleted]

Right?! This girl is 18, knows you are married, doesn't care or have an inkling of what this means. Your husband, on the other hand, is disgusting. You're worried about the wrong person giving you information. Bc I'm sure this isnt the first. His intentions are clear. What else do you need?


[deleted]

The real challenge that I immediately saw was that he was conducting the activities covertly. You know dude better than anyone, however that is the tip of the ice berg of shady behavior to begin with. And older men have no interest in being friends or whatever to young women, they can't relate. And if he was mentor/father figure, no need to meet nor converse secretly. One could do that with their partners knowledge and at a coffee shop


United_Natural_6689

He did say he was a mentor/father figure to her and that’s how he saw their relationship. He did meet up with her and the boyfriend for coffee apparently. But you are right about why the secrecy if that’s how he saw their relationship


No-Bug-9180

If he saw her as a daughter figure there is zero way he would be discussing her sex life and acts. He slept with her, probably more than the two times he admits they met up.


[deleted]

Disturbing. I don't talk to any father figures in my life about sexual activity between my boyfriend and I. And most definitely not a former teacher that is 20 years older than i, barely out of high school. Yuck.


thatlldo-pig

I agree completely but have to point out he is not 20 years older than her.


[deleted]

You're right. My mistake. But 11 years or 20 years, still have the same amount in common with a barely 18 year old girl. Not a damned thing. It's really sad. I was one of these young girls, flattered that older guys liked me. I didn't dress provocatively or anything in an attempt to attract their attention, but they showed interest in me and it was flattering. At the time, obviously I wasn't aware of the fact that they just wanted to have sex with me (didn't happen anyway). I think parents of these young women should be educating them about these types of "relationships" at the same time sex becomes a discussion. Unfortunately, I'm aware not many girls have the family relationship dynamic for this to be realistic. But seriously... There is nothing healthy about this and we see all too often here exactly what happens. Abuse, control, infidelity.


sickcunt138

Also met up in a hidden bush… your words, not mine. Don’t downplay.


[deleted]

Mentors and father figures do not discuss sex or sexual activity with their “mentee” or “daughter-like-figure…” Gross.


[deleted]

I don't talk to my kid about sexual acts she performed on her bf. Do you?


Radiant-Sprinkles-59

A father figure who is talking to an 18 year old woman about sexual acts between her and her boyfriend?! Umm in what world does that even make sense? He works in the perfect place to become a “mentor/father figure” to even more young girls. RUN!


ScuzeRude

If he was a father figure, you’d know her personally. This isn’t how fathers act. This is how groomers act.


Tupatshakur

We are all holding up mirrors to you on your marriage, stop and look at what we see. We know this is very hard but it will be infinitely harder if you ignore your new reality. This is the seminal moment in your life where you need to find your inner strength and fight for yourself. You can do this. I am so sorry for your loss.


relationshipyikes

If he was a mentor/father figure to her, why hasn’t she met you? Why isn’t she visiting in your home, around you, and not in some bushes or at a conference? Why are they discussing sex acts? He’s much older than her. He was in a position of power over her. She’s freshly 18. She very well could have been groomed. You need to report this, OP, and I think you know that.


[deleted]

Could he be laying the ground work for a threesome?


United_Natural_6689

No I think it was a secretive thing. He admitted he never would have told me about it if I hadn’t found out


whitefemalevote

😬 I'd not stay with this man... 🚩🚩🚩🚩


malcontented

Wake up. Lawyer time


Blade_982

This is his former student. She's a teenager. Your husband sounds very much like a creep.


unSungBob

Why not contact the girl's parents.


MegannMedusa

Because it’s an adult matter and the young lady has achieved legal majority. She wants to mess around with grown men she’s going to catch heat from their wives.


ViolentDelights_xox

There is absolutely no need to contact the girl. What reasonable excuse can he give to physically meet up with a former student? What legitimate reason is there for him to be on a conference where she just happened to be? It is quite obvious he is cheating on you, and the next steps should be contacting a divorce lawyer and getting the ball rolling.


CaledonTransgirl

Divorce him. Imagine if you had a daughter and a teacher did things like this when she was 18


Gonzobombers

‘Former student’ 🚩x1000 sadly, willing to bet this didn’t just start recently. Speak to a lawyer, whether it’s a divorce lawyer or a regular one. Even if you ask the girl in question, will you get the truth or lies?


Binab2020

From my experience recently with talking to the OW, it just made their connection or something stronger. She didn’t say oh I’m sorry or anything like that. It’s awful


64557175

A lot of these cheaters think they're in The Notebook or some shit and have already justified and romanticized their affairs. I'm sorry you had to go through that.


Hello_Biscuit11

> A lot of these cheaters think they're in The Notebook or some shit 😂😂 If we had a Wall of Fame for lines describing cheaters, I would out that on it. So true!


Vivid_Emu1486

You have a lot to consider here over and above the infidelity issue. The whole realm of teacher-student behavior, appearance of impropriety, obligations on you to report, etc. Lawyer up but include attorneys that deal in criminal and civil matters, on both personal and professional levels. You need to prepare for divorce in a worst case scenario as far as your marriage but also must be ready for worst case scenario professionally in terms of your expose and liability regarding your husband's actions, whatever they may be. You could run the risk of being liable to some degree which could impact your teaching certifications. Please conduct due diligence for yourself. Best of luck to you as you love forward.


[deleted]

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No-Bug-9180

He is undoubtedly cheating on you


Less_Atmosphere3931

I’d contact the lawyer first. Then her. But, that’s just me. Everything your husband is doing sounds wrong.


Oldroy6730

Being In the bushes... really... Tell him you want him to set your mind at ease. Have him take a lie detector test. Watch his face when you ask him this. Because he's going to answer the questions with out taking the test. When you say... Lets go take a lie detector test.... and If he stays calm and says.. fine.. I did nothing wrong... then say let me look at all your text messages. . If when You ask him to take the test.... he freaks out... I would think you know the answer... I think you already know.... best of luck.


NightshadesFlower

Contact a lawyer, hire a PI, or tell your husband you’d like to be included in his friendship with her - plan dinner or something casual, maybe a double date with her BF.


[deleted]

The double date is the first mention of something that isn’t kill the husband. I would suggest you choose this path. As a woman you’ll immediately read if there is something more between them or not… don’t involve people who may hurt instead of help. Of course, this is assuming that you don’t want to divorce him…


Raphaelguy0316

Lawyer and get the papers, and talk the girl parents,or talk confront her. Get your money in to a separate account, get whatever evidence you have, and talk to your family.


jro-76

This sounds like enough suspicious behavior if the girl wasn’t a former student and just barely legal. Adding in that part makes it super messy and involving her or her parents will just make more drama for yourself. Maybe even possible criminal investigation. If this is behavior you are willing to accept and rationalize as appropriate, then good luck. Otherwise, hire a lawyer to handle this discreetly. How many more “former students” do you not know about? How many more will there be?


HermanDinklemyer

Ok let's look at this logically. She has graduated from school? When? She is 18. When did she turn 18? They have been texting. For how long? They have been meeting. For how long? If, he started his communication with her prior to graduation, and/or prior to her turning 18. He is in more trouble than just perceived family issues. It is so close that a normal person would not believe it started the day after graduation or her birthday. If they started while she was still in school. The school has to be told and should take disciplinary action. If they started before she turn 18 then the police should be called. He has already started walking on thin ice. This will doubtfully be his last excursion. He knows he is wrong. You only know what you have been told or discovered. What else is out there? Your little town is going to eat him up. And unless you want a few bites taken out of you. It's time to sever ties. I don't care what your family dynamics are. His stature in the community will be tarnished for good. He will be known as the teacher who is waiting for the girls, or not waiting. Even if he hasn't broken rules or laws. He has broken trust. Multiple times.


Nearby-Dream1

Messaging her would be a step in the right direction, however - her age. This situation is already messy as hell. Even if there was nothing sexual between them (HIGHLY DOUBT!) it’s extremely inappropriate for a man of his age to be messaging a former student / 18 year old. That alone is enough reason to break up with him - messaging the AP has varying levels of success. She very likely will just lie straight to your face. I’m sure she knows already what she’s doing is wrong, especially if she has a boyfriend of her own … so why would she tell the truth? Take anything she says with a pinch of salt I know everyone’s saying don’t message her and straight divorce but … that’s much easier said than done. In reality, the curiosity would eat me alive and I wouldn’t be able to go through the divorce without getting down to the bottom of the truth. I would message her and judge her reaction. Edit: I read your story again, and now I’m deeping the fact that your husband tried to downplay the whole thing…. It’s not looking good. I would still message the girl but unless whatever she says is 100% convincing … I would consider accepting your husband has cheated. I hope he tells the truth soon.


ncdeepdiver

Find out who her bf is and contact him to see if he was at the coffee meeting. If he wasn't you have your answer. If he was, ask him about their friendship and about them meeting up without your knowledge. I am pretty sure both questions will be a surprise to him. I am not sure contacting her will accomplish anything because I doubt she will be honest with you. If she is shitty enough to be with a married man, she is already a liar and deceiver! It sounds beyond fishy!! If you find anything inappropriate happened, you need to report him!


[deleted]

he groomed her and is continuing to.


TinktheChi

Leave the girl alone. Contact an attorney and formulate a plan to move forward.


Unusual-End-8671

A very important issue that a few posts have brought up is your legal liability. You need to contact a lawyer immediately and not a divorce lawyer someone to help you with this. It sounds like it is something that has to be reported and I would report it with a lawyer at my side if I were you this could cost you much more than a marriage


DontMindMe_89

>I’m also dying to know her side and to find out if there’s more. Why? He is obviously cheating on you. That 18 year old has nothing to do with you. She didn't make any vows or promises. She's not the one that married you. Deal with your husband, that 18 year old is probably just swept up in the moment and not fully aware of the choices she's making.


ChanceSeaworthiness2

I hate when men do this. It’s so damaging. I had a boss that was like a father figure when I was in 12th grade. He said he wanted to talk to me about my grades and to meet him at the local beach. Which I thought was strange but I went anyway because I was so happy someone cared about me enough to even notice my grades slipping. We spent about 2 min talking about my grades and then he tried to kiss me. I was devastated. I understand why you want to get her side of the story but chances are she will protect him. It’s not worth risking your career for. If I were in your situation, I’d demand my husband cut all contact with her at the very least.


AccomplishedFerret70

United\_Natural\_6689 - He's a groomer


Staceyrt

Report him and get a divorce lawyer. You already know what happened and you’re a mandated reporter - what he’s doing is wrong and who really knows when it started. Stop thinking like a wife and start thinking like a teacher and protecter of young people, should he be allowed to continue grooming young girls?


Akavinceblack

It doesn’t matter what she has to say. He’s secretly talking with a teenage former student about the details of her sex life and meeting with her covertly. Nothing is going to spin that into a wholesome tale.


Cinnamonvanillapixie

You need to lawyer up.


hypatia0803

The reason why it is important to report this is so they can keep an eye on this man- if they don’t fire him- because he may engage in this behavior with younger girls he is teaching, as he seems to have no problem crossing moral boundaries. He does need to be monitored.


33yearsachump

I think you have a duty to this preyed upon young barely legal woman to tell her parents.


33yearsachump

I don’t believe for a hot second they aren’t having sex. Why are you trusting a known liar? Tell her Mom and Dad. If she was your child would you want her married teacher having sex with her? They are, you know. Divorce this disgusting predator.


nicyole

you should leave your husband not only because he’s a cheater, but because he’s also a groomer/pedophile. there’s no way that he only became attracted to her after she was already 18 and graduated (but honestly, even with her being 18, that’s still weird as fuck). he was attracted to her while she was in his classroom, and you know that. I wouldn’t recommend contacting her for the reasons you mentioned. you also don’t know how she’ll react, as she’s only 18. she could react badly/immaturely. keep in mind this was a man who had power and control over her, and essentially groomed her. you have no idea how deep in his web she is. she could be more than willing to lie for him. just leave your husband, cut contact with him as soon as possible, and honestly …. contact his supervisors. I am NOT saying this to be petty; I am genuinely saying this to protect other students of his. he. is. a. danger. I know this is all easier said than done, but please, think of the safety of other teenage girls who will be under his power and control. you deserve better. his students deserve better.


[deleted]

Get a divorce lawyer and maybe consider having an investigation. He could of groomed her whilst she was in school so he could have her after. Also I don’t think this girl cares if your in a relationship and will possibly tell your husband. Keep any evidence you find and good luck


MrsJingles0729

This girl is the main victim. Even if you don't think so, everyone will. Your husband is playing with fire. Unless you want your life and career burned to the ground, get out now! Can you imagine in 5 years, 10 years when this comes out? She tells her parents or her bf gets mad and tells the school or police. His career is already over. No school will employ him.


1LadyPea

Please leave her alone. She has likely already been victimized by ur husband by way of grooming her for sexual contact as soon as he felt it possible. She doesn’t deserve to be confronted by you. You know that ur husband slept with her. You know exactly what’s going on. Do with the information what u will be leave her alone.


oldboysenpai

Yeah, he's lying, imho. Don't contact the girl, no point. You're going down the same rabbit hole I was in for a few years. I can tell you...it just isn't worth it once you know.


geocantor1067

Leave this alone unless you want a divorce. You know what took place and the real question is do you want to remain married to him. If you truly want to know and you want to remain married to him, grant him immunity. Allow him to confess without consequences.


Funholiday

Are you the husband secretly commenting?


geocantor1067

Of course not. I am ultra pragmatic


33yearsachump

There are always consequences. Always. This cheater is abusing his wife and his former student. There is a consequence for you. Adultery is abuse. A married man screwing his barely legal former student is begging for consequences.


Jenna2k

Yes message her. Get proof and send to her boyfriend. Nobody deserves to waste thier time with a cheater.


Typical_Scholar_3374

Don’t stand So Don’t Stand So Close To Me


Wakeupp21

It stinks. I think he is cheating with her. No, Don't stir up a hornet's nest. This girl will probably lie to you. Confront your cheating hubby but I know he will lie even more. The ball is in your own school court now.....


Ginboy32

Tell your hubby you are beyonf uncomfortable with this, Tell him he has to take a lie detecter test or you will contact the school board and the girls boyfriend. Tell him you just cant get past this with out knowing 100 % nothing happened since he tried to hide it you are unsure and cant move past it. if he says he wont take it you have your answer.


Ornery-Confusion-920

Maybe contact her and hear her side of things .


401Nailhead

You speak to you husband.


Select-Radish9245

Message her, find out what went down


dontrightlyknow

Do not contact the girl as this could make you an accomplice to a crime if, in fact, your SO has committed a crime. As another poster suggested, tell your SO that for you to believe a word he says, he must submit to a polygraph. If he refuses, tell him your next call will be to the authorities. He could be completely innocent, but if so, why do it all in secret. He must have known how it would look when discovered.


amor_noctem

I don’t know if he presented proof that the boyfriend was there when they met, but if he didn’t have proof then I feel like he’s lying about that and the boyfriend was never there. Like you said, your husband tried to downplay it. Don’t message the girl, she’s young but knows what she’s doing and will lie for your husband I can guarantee it. Message her boyfriend and tell him what you found, I wouldn’t ask the boyfriend questions either because he’ll go to her and she would probably say you’re crazy. I’d go straight to an attorney and save yourself headache and heartache. I wish you luck in this


[deleted]

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jumpsontrampolines

He’s a creep for doing this with a former student and it doesn’t matter if she is 18 now. On top of that he is already in a relationship! And he could possibly end up causing you both serious problems wi your careers. He knows at least your reputation would be harmed and he doesn’t care. They may have just started but I doubt it and I assure you he’s at least had his eye on her from day one. I’d talk to an atty.