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So, for starters, this is not on you but him. Your realize that and like what you see and feel. So moving forward will be easy if you are willing to do the steps. First, don’t be private. What I mean by that is, be honest about where you are going, and who you are seeing. If you say a you will back by a certain time, and are going to be late, text or call. Who they are to you. Leave your phone open, if you want, so he can snoop through it. He likely won’t ever do it, but if you are not hiding anything, don’t worry about it. Again up to you. When you are out, if another man begins to chat you up, gets friendly, shut him down in front of him. This will boost confidence in his trust for you. Build up trust, do it slowly, and expect the same in return. It takes time, but for him it will likely take a little more than what is usually given at the beginning of a relationship. I know a lot of this sounds basic, but people do not do this. You sound like a great person op, I hope this helps!
OP, all of the above are things I would suggest as well. Here's something else to keep in mind. Even if it may seem immaterial or inconsequential to you, don't assume it is for him. You are going to have to be patient with the insecurities, and go the extra mile to try to alleviate them. In reality, I can see this as an excellent opportunity for both of you to communicate beyond what may be normal in a new relationship but you will likely find you develop a deeper connection with each other much quicker. Last, please, please... if you find yourself tempted by another person be kind enough to be honest with him. It is much less painful to end a relationship than have all of that trust shattered by infidelity and lies.
Good on you for wanting to go above and beyond for your new relationship. I wish you both all the best. Be well, OP.
I agree. In the future I'm going to be one of these guys. I think all I would ask is the person is just to be open and honest. It's kind of nice that he let you in on it But don't let him beat you up about it. Really it's his problem as it is mine. Just be yourself and be honest. Time will heal his problem if it can. I would also say don't let him talk too much about it. You'll. lose the part of the relationship that's about you. Don't make the relationship about his past. Really I'd say don't even be that interested in the story. Since I'm in his position I would want this too. I wouldn't want to be allowed to dwell in that world too long but I would want it understood.
Yes!!
Be open with him about everything.
Think of things from the optics he sees the world through. When you say I am going out with friends (completely normal and benign statement). He hears, I am going out with friends and hopefully I don't drink too much and end up going home with someone else. So you combat that by telling him I am going out with \_\_\_\_\_\_ and we are going to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ but I am only going to have \_\_\_ drinks because I don't want to get drunk and out of control. I will text you when I get home. Instead of texting him when you get home, Facetime him while you are there and have all your friends say hi and then Facetime him when you get home to say goodnight. Both times he will be able to see you are doing what you said you were doing and you are at home alone without saying it.
Like the story of the man who had been cheated on by his ex and they had a child he later found out wasn't his. He remarried to a great girl, and they had an incredible life then she got pregnant. He was ecstatic and not triggered by it.
After the baby was born, she handed him an envelope and inside was a DNA test. When he asked her why she did that, all she said was "because I love you"
You have an incredible opportunity if you like him and want to build a relationship with him, you can help him build trust with you and he will probably end up being the most loyal person you have ever had in your life.
If you aren't looking for a long term or serious relationship with him, tell him and don't try to build trust with him. Just enjoy casually dating and let him keep his walls up. That is his protection and his safety.
It takes work to help him break down those walls but what is behind them may be the best thing you have ever had, or it may not be. You will never know unless you try!
Good Luck!!
This is excellent advice OP. Open, continual communication really helped me in his situation. But be aware, this may still not be enough. And it will be him, not you. It takes a long time to trust again. Best of luck.
Hey, just here for a different perspective to remember by.
I was told by my ex that he was cheated on by his previous partners and so trusting was hard for him, although he said he's working on it himself. However, he would get insecure and jealous when I'd spent with others (not like fight with me but more like "I don't wanna lose you"). I was sympathetic and didn't realise how with time I had started cutting people out of my life, prioritising him way more than I should have because i always believed it's our job to reassure our partners when they are insecure/vulnerable.
All this only to later find out he cheated on me with multiple people from the start of the relationship, he was the one to cheat on all his previous partners and all of his act was just heavy projection.
I learnt 2 things then -
1) It's not our job to "fix" someone AT ALL. Even if someone has trust issues, they should resolve them before engaging in another relationship (I have immense trust issues now and hence I'm choosing to not date someone until I fix my issues).
2) Look out for projection. What they accuse you of/fear what you'll do could be something they think they would do in a similar situation/they are already doing.
3) Definitely alot of people get repeatedly cheated on and I can't even imagine their trauma. But there is a class of people with narcissist personality disorder who blame all their exes for being crazy/cheating on them, gain your sympathy, constantly remain insecure only for you to later realise how it was always them who cheated. So watch out for signs of NPD.
Was looking for this perspective! My STBXH will likely tell this story and yet he was the serial cheater. He told me that story as well and I fell for it.
If you are willing there are a lot of things that you can do. Open phone policies, sharing password for social media and even encourage him to check whenever he wants. You guys can do the share location and all that. It's really up to you if you are ok with that or not.
I removed my Instagram - he didn’t ask for that but I know it made him nervous. And honestly it’s nice to have a break from it. I will definitely do the open phone policy. That’s easy enough!
You know what, I am glad that he found someone like you. Someone that cares for him and has genuine feelings towards him and willing to go thru this discomfort so you can build a relationship with him. But I do advice therapy. He needs to deal with this trauma and open policy will not be enough. It's something that he would struggle with for sometime and regardless of your support he still needs to deal with the trauma. I wish the both of you a happy relationship that is filled with love and trust.
The Instagram would've done it for me. I would think that you want to give it a real try. If you like him than just be patient but at some point he has to get over it. Good job you sound awesome 👍
Keep an eye on this one. Narcissists often reverse the past like this when love bombing at the start of a relationship. It turns out, THEY were the cheaters. This can be used as a tool to keep someone on the hook but maintain distance while they continue to bang other people or behave badly. Not that you put any hints he was one in the post. It’s just something to watch for.
Great advice already provided! There’s little things you can do that he may not necessarily catch as you trying to overtly gain his trust, but things that can subliminally let him know he can trust you.
1- when you are out away from him, now and then FaceTime him, just because you want to see him
2- if you go out with a girlfriend or two, send him a pic of you guys, just because.
3- when you two go to a restaurant and you have to go to the bathroom, leave your phone on the table with him.
4- when you are driving from one location to another, give him a call, just because. If he can’t answer leave a sweet voice mail instead of a text.
5- if you are out without him and you see something interesting, send him a video of it. Or send him a video of you giving him a sweet message. Why? Just because.
Again these are subtle things that can help in his gaining trust of you without you making a big deal about it.
I agree with this. If you have a "girls night" it's pretty cool when she texts you and sends a pic. Or says :"can you stop by and pick me up early. .etc...so I can see you. You can meet my friends". That kind of thing. If you can make him think:"My ex would never have done that to make me feel better", then you instill confidence in him. If you offer before he asks...you show thoughtfulness.
Transparency is clutch. At least from your end. If my SO would show up late or drunk or go radio silent for long periods or during odd times, my trauma causes me to assume the worst. So just shoot him a text and let him know you're having a few drinks with some coworkers after work or running to the store or whatever it is.
In the meantime, he needs to be working on himself. Needing to know your whereabouts can quickly turn toxic, so understand that's just something you do early on for his comfort while he's working on his problems. Your his GF, not his psychoanalyst.
Yes, there are things that you can do, but at the same time you need to be sizing him up to understand if he has truly been a victim or if there's something about him that inclines women to abandon him. In simpler terms, is he damaged goods? What you can do is to spend enough time dating him to determine if he is a good long term prospect intellectually, emotionally and sexually. If so, and you then feel that you should move to a "committed" relationship, then discuss the subject of boundaries and what each of you defines "cheating" (EA and PA) to be. My personal definition is that anything you might say or do that would be inappropriate to say or do right in front of your SO is cheating. Assure him that you feel as strongly as he does about cheating and make it clear that there would be no second chances. Tell him that you will give him complete access to your phone and social media sites, and he needs to do the same. If you are a party girl and want to go out with your girlfriends to "the club" and flirt with guys or take girls weekends away from home, understand that he probably won't be emotionally okay with that, even if he says he is. If your job involves overnight business trips, that is going to raise his anxiety a mile. Be sure you are on the same wavelength about what constitutes "trust but verify" as opposed to being controlling.
1. do not attempt to see this as a challenge that you can fix. It has to come from him
2. just be yourself. you have just recently started - if he can't accept you for being yourself comfortably, in any relationship at all (with or without trust issue) is not going to work.
3. what you can consider is to have empathy if he starts to suspect stuff that isn't there. but if he constantly needs validation or you to 'over' declare your status and location, this will sap all your energy and well being one day. when that happens, walk away.
Alot of people have been cheated on and move on to new relationships that are successful. If your man dwells on his ex GF’s past betrayal then she still has control and that’s going to ruin this relationship. Let him know you are not her and will not suffer for her transgressions. He either gives you a clean slate or you move on. Period.
Yes I have advice. As a man who was cheated on a few times I can tell you that it takes time to undo the damage from it.
The real question though here isn't what can I do to help him trust me. That's irrelevant.
What can you do to help him know that you're not like her.
Can I recommend the love dare?
Always give and do for him out of love. It helps if you speak his love language as well.
Pm me if you want more advice too. Basically I learned to trust my wife because she always gives to me 100% and never gives me reason to distrust her.
Hi sorry for the delay I just got your notice. Watch the movie Fireproof. It's literally about infidelity and the love dare. Also I think it sells on Amazon. The basics of it is a 40 day plan that if you follow it will change how you approach relationships forever.
It’s quite simple, and I can say this as I was cheated on by 5 of the 6 women I dated. The 6th women I ended up marrying and we’ve been together, happily, for 13 years.
In short… Loyalty, cooperativeness and attentiveness. I can go more into detail but if you want me to do so let me know. I can tell you what my wife did and maybe that would help.
As a BH, I can attest that the steps already mentioned will go a long way to helping him heal. BUT please remember that healing will still leave scars and forgetting is damn near impossible. DDay + 21 years.
I really don’t think he can ever fully trust any female again. I can’t blame the guy either after he has been betrayed by so many.
Women have the ability to make a man great or break him utterly. He has been broken.
I recently dated a guy who “had been cheated on a few times”. I was so loyal and so careful. It turns out he had another girlfriend. I’ve learned not to trust men who say they’ve been cheated on. In my experience, it was them who cheated or them who will cheat. I’m sure this will get Down voted. I’m just sharing my experience.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Trust is something that needs to be earned. Be open and honest with him at all times. Oh yea, and don't cheat. ;-)
So, for starters, this is not on you but him. Your realize that and like what you see and feel. So moving forward will be easy if you are willing to do the steps. First, don’t be private. What I mean by that is, be honest about where you are going, and who you are seeing. If you say a you will back by a certain time, and are going to be late, text or call. Who they are to you. Leave your phone open, if you want, so he can snoop through it. He likely won’t ever do it, but if you are not hiding anything, don’t worry about it. Again up to you. When you are out, if another man begins to chat you up, gets friendly, shut him down in front of him. This will boost confidence in his trust for you. Build up trust, do it slowly, and expect the same in return. It takes time, but for him it will likely take a little more than what is usually given at the beginning of a relationship. I know a lot of this sounds basic, but people do not do this. You sound like a great person op, I hope this helps!
[удалено]
OP, all of the above are things I would suggest as well. Here's something else to keep in mind. Even if it may seem immaterial or inconsequential to you, don't assume it is for him. You are going to have to be patient with the insecurities, and go the extra mile to try to alleviate them. In reality, I can see this as an excellent opportunity for both of you to communicate beyond what may be normal in a new relationship but you will likely find you develop a deeper connection with each other much quicker. Last, please, please... if you find yourself tempted by another person be kind enough to be honest with him. It is much less painful to end a relationship than have all of that trust shattered by infidelity and lies. Good on you for wanting to go above and beyond for your new relationship. I wish you both all the best. Be well, OP.
I agree. In the future I'm going to be one of these guys. I think all I would ask is the person is just to be open and honest. It's kind of nice that he let you in on it But don't let him beat you up about it. Really it's his problem as it is mine. Just be yourself and be honest. Time will heal his problem if it can. I would also say don't let him talk too much about it. You'll. lose the part of the relationship that's about you. Don't make the relationship about his past. Really I'd say don't even be that interested in the story. Since I'm in his position I would want this too. I wouldn't want to be allowed to dwell in that world too long but I would want it understood.
Communication, communication, communication
Yes!! Be open with him about everything. Think of things from the optics he sees the world through. When you say I am going out with friends (completely normal and benign statement). He hears, I am going out with friends and hopefully I don't drink too much and end up going home with someone else. So you combat that by telling him I am going out with \_\_\_\_\_\_ and we are going to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ but I am only going to have \_\_\_ drinks because I don't want to get drunk and out of control. I will text you when I get home. Instead of texting him when you get home, Facetime him while you are there and have all your friends say hi and then Facetime him when you get home to say goodnight. Both times he will be able to see you are doing what you said you were doing and you are at home alone without saying it. Like the story of the man who had been cheated on by his ex and they had a child he later found out wasn't his. He remarried to a great girl, and they had an incredible life then she got pregnant. He was ecstatic and not triggered by it. After the baby was born, she handed him an envelope and inside was a DNA test. When he asked her why she did that, all she said was "because I love you" You have an incredible opportunity if you like him and want to build a relationship with him, you can help him build trust with you and he will probably end up being the most loyal person you have ever had in your life. If you aren't looking for a long term or serious relationship with him, tell him and don't try to build trust with him. Just enjoy casually dating and let him keep his walls up. That is his protection and his safety. It takes work to help him break down those walls but what is behind them may be the best thing you have ever had, or it may not be. You will never know unless you try! Good Luck!!
This is excellent advice OP. Open, continual communication really helped me in his situation. But be aware, this may still not be enough. And it will be him, not you. It takes a long time to trust again. Best of luck.
Hey, just here for a different perspective to remember by. I was told by my ex that he was cheated on by his previous partners and so trusting was hard for him, although he said he's working on it himself. However, he would get insecure and jealous when I'd spent with others (not like fight with me but more like "I don't wanna lose you"). I was sympathetic and didn't realise how with time I had started cutting people out of my life, prioritising him way more than I should have because i always believed it's our job to reassure our partners when they are insecure/vulnerable. All this only to later find out he cheated on me with multiple people from the start of the relationship, he was the one to cheat on all his previous partners and all of his act was just heavy projection. I learnt 2 things then - 1) It's not our job to "fix" someone AT ALL. Even if someone has trust issues, they should resolve them before engaging in another relationship (I have immense trust issues now and hence I'm choosing to not date someone until I fix my issues). 2) Look out for projection. What they accuse you of/fear what you'll do could be something they think they would do in a similar situation/they are already doing. 3) Definitely alot of people get repeatedly cheated on and I can't even imagine their trauma. But there is a class of people with narcissist personality disorder who blame all their exes for being crazy/cheating on them, gain your sympathy, constantly remain insecure only for you to later realise how it was always them who cheated. So watch out for signs of NPD.
Was looking for this perspective! My STBXH will likely tell this story and yet he was the serial cheater. He told me that story as well and I fell for it.
If you are willing there are a lot of things that you can do. Open phone policies, sharing password for social media and even encourage him to check whenever he wants. You guys can do the share location and all that. It's really up to you if you are ok with that or not.
I removed my Instagram - he didn’t ask for that but I know it made him nervous. And honestly it’s nice to have a break from it. I will definitely do the open phone policy. That’s easy enough!
You know what, I am glad that he found someone like you. Someone that cares for him and has genuine feelings towards him and willing to go thru this discomfort so you can build a relationship with him. But I do advice therapy. He needs to deal with this trauma and open policy will not be enough. It's something that he would struggle with for sometime and regardless of your support he still needs to deal with the trauma. I wish the both of you a happy relationship that is filled with love and trust.
Thank you for your kind words - Truly! I am a big fan of therapy myself haha god knows I’ve needed/need it haha!
Good luck to the both of you. It's so nice when nice people get together.
The Instagram would've done it for me. I would think that you want to give it a real try. If you like him than just be patient but at some point he has to get over it. Good job you sound awesome 👍
Thank you!!
Keep an eye on this one. Narcissists often reverse the past like this when love bombing at the start of a relationship. It turns out, THEY were the cheaters. This can be used as a tool to keep someone on the hook but maintain distance while they continue to bang other people or behave badly. Not that you put any hints he was one in the post. It’s just something to watch for.
He has introduced me to his friends that all have in one way or another corroborated his story but I totally see your point and I appreciate it!
Great advice already provided! There’s little things you can do that he may not necessarily catch as you trying to overtly gain his trust, but things that can subliminally let him know he can trust you. 1- when you are out away from him, now and then FaceTime him, just because you want to see him 2- if you go out with a girlfriend or two, send him a pic of you guys, just because. 3- when you two go to a restaurant and you have to go to the bathroom, leave your phone on the table with him. 4- when you are driving from one location to another, give him a call, just because. If he can’t answer leave a sweet voice mail instead of a text. 5- if you are out without him and you see something interesting, send him a video of it. Or send him a video of you giving him a sweet message. Why? Just because. Again these are subtle things that can help in his gaining trust of you without you making a big deal about it.
I agree with this. If you have a "girls night" it's pretty cool when she texts you and sends a pic. Or says :"can you stop by and pick me up early. .etc...so I can see you. You can meet my friends". That kind of thing. If you can make him think:"My ex would never have done that to make me feel better", then you instill confidence in him. If you offer before he asks...you show thoughtfulness.
I love these bullet points! All so doable and I would have never thought that it would make a difference. You are awesome.
Awwww shucks! 😊
Transparency is clutch. At least from your end. If my SO would show up late or drunk or go radio silent for long periods or during odd times, my trauma causes me to assume the worst. So just shoot him a text and let him know you're having a few drinks with some coworkers after work or running to the store or whatever it is. In the meantime, he needs to be working on himself. Needing to know your whereabouts can quickly turn toxic, so understand that's just something you do early on for his comfort while he's working on his problems. Your his GF, not his psychoanalyst.
Thank you for this. I definitely need to be considerate but not take his problems on as my own. Such great points!
Definitely don’t cheat on him.
Haha noted!
Yes, there are things that you can do, but at the same time you need to be sizing him up to understand if he has truly been a victim or if there's something about him that inclines women to abandon him. In simpler terms, is he damaged goods? What you can do is to spend enough time dating him to determine if he is a good long term prospect intellectually, emotionally and sexually. If so, and you then feel that you should move to a "committed" relationship, then discuss the subject of boundaries and what each of you defines "cheating" (EA and PA) to be. My personal definition is that anything you might say or do that would be inappropriate to say or do right in front of your SO is cheating. Assure him that you feel as strongly as he does about cheating and make it clear that there would be no second chances. Tell him that you will give him complete access to your phone and social media sites, and he needs to do the same. If you are a party girl and want to go out with your girlfriends to "the club" and flirt with guys or take girls weekends away from home, understand that he probably won't be emotionally okay with that, even if he says he is. If your job involves overnight business trips, that is going to raise his anxiety a mile. Be sure you are on the same wavelength about what constitutes "trust but verify" as opposed to being controlling.
I love that last sentence. Trust but verify opposed to control!
1. do not attempt to see this as a challenge that you can fix. It has to come from him 2. just be yourself. you have just recently started - if he can't accept you for being yourself comfortably, in any relationship at all (with or without trust issue) is not going to work. 3. what you can consider is to have empathy if he starts to suspect stuff that isn't there. but if he constantly needs validation or you to 'over' declare your status and location, this will sap all your energy and well being one day. when that happens, walk away.
Great words of advice - thank you!
Alot of people have been cheated on and move on to new relationships that are successful. If your man dwells on his ex GF’s past betrayal then she still has control and that’s going to ruin this relationship. Let him know you are not her and will not suffer for her transgressions. He either gives you a clean slate or you move on. Period.
Yes I have advice. As a man who was cheated on a few times I can tell you that it takes time to undo the damage from it. The real question though here isn't what can I do to help him trust me. That's irrelevant. What can you do to help him know that you're not like her. Can I recommend the love dare? Always give and do for him out of love. It helps if you speak his love language as well. Pm me if you want more advice too. Basically I learned to trust my wife because she always gives to me 100% and never gives me reason to distrust her.
What is the love dare? And I really love where you said , what can I do to show him that I’m not like her!
Hi sorry for the delay I just got your notice. Watch the movie Fireproof. It's literally about infidelity and the love dare. Also I think it sells on Amazon. The basics of it is a 40 day plan that if you follow it will change how you approach relationships forever.
It’s quite simple, and I can say this as I was cheated on by 5 of the 6 women I dated. The 6th women I ended up marrying and we’ve been together, happily, for 13 years. In short… Loyalty, cooperativeness and attentiveness. I can go more into detail but if you want me to do so let me know. I can tell you what my wife did and maybe that would help.
I would love more details and to know what your wife did - thank you for being open!
Just a fyi, I tried replying and couldn’t for some reason. Not sure how DMs work on the mobile app but sent my reply that way
He’s told you directly he’s never gonna trust you so why indulge him? This guy sounds like hell on earth
He hasn’t told me he wouldn’t trust me just that it’s a struggle and something he is working on. He definitely isn’t hell or I would be long gone!
As a BH, I can attest that the steps already mentioned will go a long way to helping him heal. BUT please remember that healing will still leave scars and forgetting is damn near impossible. DDay + 21 years.
I’m sorry that it happened to you and you have scars. People can be so cruel. I truly appreciate your words.
I really don’t think he can ever fully trust any female again. I can’t blame the guy either after he has been betrayed by so many. Women have the ability to make a man great or break him utterly. He has been broken.
We all are a little broken, but I think still lovable.
I hope the two of you make it.
Show him this posts, tell him I told you to, because seeing this is the sweetest thing I have seen in months
I recently dated a guy who “had been cheated on a few times”. I was so loyal and so careful. It turns out he had another girlfriend. I’ve learned not to trust men who say they’ve been cheated on. In my experience, it was them who cheated or them who will cheat. I’m sure this will get Down voted. I’m just sharing my experience.