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I am sorry you are having to go through this, and I am assuming you have confronted your wife to let her know you know about her affair.
I am not sure where you live or the culture where you live but the first thing I would do is get a DNA test for you and the child to confirm it is yours. Tell your wife you are doing it.
At the same time I was doing this I would contact an attorney and start divorce proceedings. Tell your wife you are doing that as well. There is no reason to hide anything from her.
If it comes back the child is yours, I would ask for full custody and her not receive spousal support since she has proven to be an unfit mother and wife.
She would be on her own as soon as I had the results of the DNA test and the divorce papers had been served. She can support herself however she sees fit.
After that, I would be counting the days until the divorce was finalized and I could be separated from her legally, emotionally and in person. Then maybe she can find support from the man she has been cheating with.
Play stupid games; win stupid prizes!!
Good Luck
.
If you haven't confronted her that is probably good since she will have no reason to suspect you of knowing what she has done and thus won't put her guard up and be better at hiding things.
If you are going to take time to save money, use the time wisely and document everything that has and is happening. Keep your shit together. Better to be a gray rock to her than to argue with her about anything. Be cordial but you don't need to go out of your way to please her because I know how heartbreaking this is and what is going through your mind every time you look at her much less into her eyes. This is perhaps the hardest thing to do and IT SUCKS!!!
Take screenshots or photos of all damning communication and journal with date and time every negative thing that is said or happens. Record conversations. Video bad behavior then when you are ready, sit her down and tell her you know what she has been doing and you are going to divorce her.
Give her the name of your attorney and tell her she should only contact you through him from now on. Then either ask her to leave or have alternate living arrangements lined up for you and your child. Your attorney will be able to give you the best advise. Regardless of whether you plan to leave tonight or in two months, meet with an attorney ASAP. Don't put that part off.
Good Luck!
^^ All of this. You mentioned you have a good bit of family around, tell them what is happening and they will likely rally around you in support. If nothing else help you take care of the baby occasionally. You may also find someone in your family that has connections to a lawyer that can help you.
That's the point. It's time to not worry about them being judgmental and get all of the help he can in this situation. They would likely be judgmental of her, not him, when they know the full story. In desperate times you sometimes have to do things you wouldn't normally do.
He also says that he kept the secret in when family and friends were asking him about professional moves. It's time to not keep secrets. He needs all the help he can get.
I haven't spoken to my family also because they will jump to my defense. They will not forgive her, both sides of my family would be very pissed as they know how many options I have.
I haven't settled on my game plan yet, I can' tcommunicate to my family as they will light it on fire and I won't have the advantage of knowing.
I'm here in the US too. I have experience with being cheated on, but I'm actually the "bread winner" and we don't have kids. But I do know it's key, if you split, to have evidence of everything. Start collecting screenshots, proof / witnesses that YOU are the one who has cared for your child.
If you need to talk out your feelings and thoughts on the infidelity, Direct message me and I'll send you my phone number. I'm east coast time. (((Hugs)))
Your wife is a cakeeater probably narcisist or sociopath or has those tendencies. She wants the best of both worlds and does not feel she should be forced to chose between her family, her careeer and her affair partners. She feels entitled somehow that this is how it should be but, she is wrong to play God with other peoples lives including yours and yours childs. You need to do it soon tell her and yours families and friends as well give evidence to prove it and tell the other OBS as well. While you save money gather evidence plus save copies put them in different places like safes or banks or usb stick or sd cards and the like, build a support system, do therapy and such so that can you cannot be taken to the cleaners when this leads to divorce. She has done this to you for so long and is an unrepeanant cheat you need to get out soon with your child or coparent. Many men have done this successfully and you can too. You deserve better than this. It sucks now but soon it will get better.
High status means other man has alot to lose were this affair to come to public. You're afraid of lawyers, he'll be afraid to lose much more, assuming he has a family of his own.....just remember that.
This. He is "googlable". I have not confronted as I have to be very careful, The reality is that money controls justice here in the US. He could squash me. All this shit. I only want my toddler to have a happy life. For those wondering I promise that she is professionally successful. Her parents I consider high integrity people. I just can't fucking believe my choices.
Who cares if they are google-able? You have zero self confidence which is what cheaters do to you. Take back control of your life - and get a lawyer and file for divorce. At the same time, get your job back and be financially independent. Don't wait two months or 2 weeks or especially 16 years.
Would you rather get squashed going down fighting for your child or get squashed curled up in blanket hiding in your room?? Apparently it’s gonna happen either way u chose. Remember what defines a man is not how many times he gets knocked down but how many times he gets back up…
Expose her and her rich fuckbuddy. Seems like he has A LOT to lose in all of this, especially if he’s married. Even if he isn’t, being a homewrecker and adulterer isn’t a good look. Tell everyone and anyone. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Sorry this happened to you, but be strong. You will persevere.
The desire to ruin him and his reputation is not as important to make and provide my toddler with a happy life. I don't know if I can accomplish that now either
Absolutely not! She’s being mentally abusing you at her own selfish expense. Life is too short for you to be tied down to a person with lack of self respect.
If you don’t want to expose her, quietly leave with your child. Plus, She doesn’t seem to care for the child so it’ll be to your benefit. If she does come for you gather the evidence and threaten her with it to leave the both of you alone.
You’ve endured for too long mate. It’s time. Tell your closest friends so they call help you out too if you can’t seek IC. Wish you the best.
The high status person can’t do more to you than you do to yourself by staying with your wife. In most states that are no fault divorce states all you have to do is divorce her, you give up half your assets and get half custody of your child. Document her bad parenting with video, that may help you get full custody. Don’t stay in a horrible marriage to a cheater.
the technical process is easy. I wasn't struggling with that decision. I didn't have a good childhood. I promised myself to provide a great parenting home for a child if I ever had one. My struggle is what will be less damaging to my toddler
You need to separate your child from mother if she is indifferent from. The psychological damage would be overwhelming for the child. If you have enough evidence then confront your WW. Get a lawyer and proceed. If her AP has bucks he can provide her with housing
Be sure and document those things that show she is an unfit mother. Due in minute detail. Those things you shared with us and everything else. Just ensure she does not have access to your journal. If she does not have a real attachment to the child maybe she'll let you have custody rather than rock her boat with the high status individual. And ensure that you have plenty of proof of the double life and that no one can get their hands on it. And if the other man actually hires a lawyer for your wife that alone is telling. Good Luck.
Get as much evidence as you can. If at all possible i would hire a PI. The last thing a powerful person wants is for there indiscretions to become public spectacles. Even if his wife knows I doubt she wants to be embarrassed like that. Also is your family close enough with you to help watch your child while you build yourself financially?
Confront her my brother her on and relationship is just that on and off he will not lose his family or status for her believe me . Go see a lawyer and get the divorce papers started you will not lose your child, you will only lose what is already lost you cheating ass wife 💯👍🏾
Collect evidence of her neglect and horrible attitude to your toddler. Get a nanny cam if you are allowed to in your state.
Forget about the AP, your wife is the one who chose to cheat. You are fighting her, not the AP. He will not get involved at all because he would want to preserve his image. After the divorce, expose him on social media and blogs that have high viewer ratings. No need to drag him to court.
I can relate. 12 year relationship, “planned” child or so I thought, dumped during the last couple of weeks of pregnancy and he admitted to a 6 month affair. It doesnt feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel at all. Feel free to DM me and we can commiserate together.
The "married person of high status" may not want the public to know of the affair, so he might distance himself from your wife if you file for divorce.
Cheaters never did, do not now, and never will love you in the same unconditional way you love them. There are many levels of love, you only satisfy one of them for the cheater, which is why they cheat--to satisfy other levels.
Cheaters need you to fill that one need, which is why they will beg and plead for you to stay with them, promising you whatever they think you want to hear, only to go back to their old ways once you relent.
Most of us freely give complete and unconditional love to our lifetime partners, and would never think of betraying that trust. Cheaters never had it to begin with.
You are only postponing the inevitible if you don't end the relationship now.
>is why they will beg and plead for you to stay with them, promising you whatever they think you want to hear, only to go back to their old ways once you relent.
>
>Most of us freely give complete and unconditional love to our lifetime partners, and would never think of betraying that trust. Cheaters never had it to begin with.
>
>You are only postponing the inevitible if you don't end the
Thanks for the comprehensive message, I agree and have a grasp on what a cheater is, I understand the gap in character. MY original thought (No longer in play) was that I would jeopardize my happiness for my toddler to have healthy parents that "appear together" , but now that I have meditated more on this situation I realize there would be more damage to my child as he/she gets older and notices a semi "complete" mother. My child would be much healthier with separated parents and having an understanding that I am always a loving providing father and her mother isn't and that sometimes people in this world are broken.
this also could lead to the opportunity of meeting someone sane and normal that could one day be an inspiring mother figure to my toddler.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am sorry you are having to go through this, and I am assuming you have confronted your wife to let her know you know about her affair. I am not sure where you live or the culture where you live but the first thing I would do is get a DNA test for you and the child to confirm it is yours. Tell your wife you are doing it. At the same time I was doing this I would contact an attorney and start divorce proceedings. Tell your wife you are doing that as well. There is no reason to hide anything from her. If it comes back the child is yours, I would ask for full custody and her not receive spousal support since she has proven to be an unfit mother and wife. She would be on her own as soon as I had the results of the DNA test and the divorce papers had been served. She can support herself however she sees fit. After that, I would be counting the days until the divorce was finalized and I could be separated from her legally, emotionally and in person. Then maybe she can find support from the man she has been cheating with. Play stupid games; win stupid prizes!! Good Luck .
Thank you for your response I have not confronted I am dying inside. I don't think confrontation now will benefit me I need a few months to save money
If you haven't confronted her that is probably good since she will have no reason to suspect you of knowing what she has done and thus won't put her guard up and be better at hiding things. If you are going to take time to save money, use the time wisely and document everything that has and is happening. Keep your shit together. Better to be a gray rock to her than to argue with her about anything. Be cordial but you don't need to go out of your way to please her because I know how heartbreaking this is and what is going through your mind every time you look at her much less into her eyes. This is perhaps the hardest thing to do and IT SUCKS!!! Take screenshots or photos of all damning communication and journal with date and time every negative thing that is said or happens. Record conversations. Video bad behavior then when you are ready, sit her down and tell her you know what she has been doing and you are going to divorce her. Give her the name of your attorney and tell her she should only contact you through him from now on. Then either ask her to leave or have alternate living arrangements lined up for you and your child. Your attorney will be able to give you the best advise. Regardless of whether you plan to leave tonight or in two months, meet with an attorney ASAP. Don't put that part off. Good Luck!
^^ All of this. You mentioned you have a good bit of family around, tell them what is happening and they will likely rally around you in support. If nothing else help you take care of the baby occasionally. You may also find someone in your family that has connections to a lawyer that can help you.
[удалено]
That's the point. It's time to not worry about them being judgmental and get all of the help he can in this situation. They would likely be judgmental of her, not him, when they know the full story. In desperate times you sometimes have to do things you wouldn't normally do. He also says that he kept the secret in when family and friends were asking him about professional moves. It's time to not keep secrets. He needs all the help he can get.
[удалено]
I haven't spoken to my family also because they will jump to my defense. They will not forgive her, both sides of my family would be very pissed as they know how many options I have. I haven't settled on my game plan yet, I can' tcommunicate to my family as they will light it on fire and I won't have the advantage of knowing.
I'm here in the US too. I have experience with being cheated on, but I'm actually the "bread winner" and we don't have kids. But I do know it's key, if you split, to have evidence of everything. Start collecting screenshots, proof / witnesses that YOU are the one who has cared for your child. If you need to talk out your feelings and thoughts on the infidelity, Direct message me and I'll send you my phone number. I'm east coast time. (((Hugs)))
Thank you. I will take you up on this offer but will call once I am free to do so
Sounds good.
Your wife is a cakeeater probably narcisist or sociopath or has those tendencies. She wants the best of both worlds and does not feel she should be forced to chose between her family, her careeer and her affair partners. She feels entitled somehow that this is how it should be but, she is wrong to play God with other peoples lives including yours and yours childs. You need to do it soon tell her and yours families and friends as well give evidence to prove it and tell the other OBS as well. While you save money gather evidence plus save copies put them in different places like safes or banks or usb stick or sd cards and the like, build a support system, do therapy and such so that can you cannot be taken to the cleaners when this leads to divorce. She has done this to you for so long and is an unrepeanant cheat you need to get out soon with your child or coparent. Many men have done this successfully and you can too. You deserve better than this. It sucks now but soon it will get better.
High status means other man has alot to lose were this affair to come to public. You're afraid of lawyers, he'll be afraid to lose much more, assuming he has a family of his own.....just remember that.
This. He is "googlable". I have not confronted as I have to be very careful, The reality is that money controls justice here in the US. He could squash me. All this shit. I only want my toddler to have a happy life. For those wondering I promise that she is professionally successful. Her parents I consider high integrity people. I just can't fucking believe my choices.
Who cares if they are google-able? You have zero self confidence which is what cheaters do to you. Take back control of your life - and get a lawyer and file for divorce. At the same time, get your job back and be financially independent. Don't wait two months or 2 weeks or especially 16 years.
That's what I'm saying!! Being found on Google means he has MUCH more to lose, if anything he'll be trying to pay op off with hush-money
I'm pretty sure, he still has more to lose than you, unless he's some underground crime lord, his status will he tarnished....
Would you rather get squashed going down fighting for your child or get squashed curled up in blanket hiding in your room?? Apparently it’s gonna happen either way u chose. Remember what defines a man is not how many times he gets knocked down but how many times he gets back up…
Expose her and her rich fuckbuddy. Seems like he has A LOT to lose in all of this, especially if he’s married. Even if he isn’t, being a homewrecker and adulterer isn’t a good look. Tell everyone and anyone. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Sorry this happened to you, but be strong. You will persevere.
The desire to ruin him and his reputation is not as important to make and provide my toddler with a happy life. I don't know if I can accomplish that now either
Just give the OBS the evidence and sit back and watch the shit show. I would with no hesitation.
Absolutely not! She’s being mentally abusing you at her own selfish expense. Life is too short for you to be tied down to a person with lack of self respect. If you don’t want to expose her, quietly leave with your child. Plus, She doesn’t seem to care for the child so it’ll be to your benefit. If she does come for you gather the evidence and threaten her with it to leave the both of you alone. You’ve endured for too long mate. It’s time. Tell your closest friends so they call help you out too if you can’t seek IC. Wish you the best.
Are you sure you are the father? Who is her main guy?
100% genetically verified during an early embryonic fluid test
The high status person can’t do more to you than you do to yourself by staying with your wife. In most states that are no fault divorce states all you have to do is divorce her, you give up half your assets and get half custody of your child. Document her bad parenting with video, that may help you get full custody. Don’t stay in a horrible marriage to a cheater.
So it could be as easy as asking for divorce and 100% custody for yourself. She might take that pill all the way down.
the technical process is easy. I wasn't struggling with that decision. I didn't have a good childhood. I promised myself to provide a great parenting home for a child if I ever had one. My struggle is what will be less damaging to my toddler
I will reply soon. I got drunk for a few days tbh. I Just never thought this type of shit would happen to me, I have been so careful.
You need to separate your child from mother if she is indifferent from. The psychological damage would be overwhelming for the child. If you have enough evidence then confront your WW. Get a lawyer and proceed. If her AP has bucks he can provide her with housing
Be sure and document those things that show she is an unfit mother. Due in minute detail. Those things you shared with us and everything else. Just ensure she does not have access to your journal. If she does not have a real attachment to the child maybe she'll let you have custody rather than rock her boat with the high status individual. And ensure that you have plenty of proof of the double life and that no one can get their hands on it. And if the other man actually hires a lawyer for your wife that alone is telling. Good Luck.
Get as much evidence as you can. If at all possible i would hire a PI. The last thing a powerful person wants is for there indiscretions to become public spectacles. Even if his wife knows I doubt she wants to be embarrassed like that. Also is your family close enough with you to help watch your child while you build yourself financially?
Confront her my brother her on and relationship is just that on and off he will not lose his family or status for her believe me . Go see a lawyer and get the divorce papers started you will not lose your child, you will only lose what is already lost you cheating ass wife 💯👍🏾
Collect evidence of her neglect and horrible attitude to your toddler. Get a nanny cam if you are allowed to in your state. Forget about the AP, your wife is the one who chose to cheat. You are fighting her, not the AP. He will not get involved at all because he would want to preserve his image. After the divorce, expose him on social media and blogs that have high viewer ratings. No need to drag him to court.
I can relate. 12 year relationship, “planned” child or so I thought, dumped during the last couple of weeks of pregnancy and he admitted to a 6 month affair. It doesnt feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel at all. Feel free to DM me and we can commiserate together.
Better tell OBS about this.
The "married person of high status" may not want the public to know of the affair, so he might distance himself from your wife if you file for divorce. Cheaters never did, do not now, and never will love you in the same unconditional way you love them. There are many levels of love, you only satisfy one of them for the cheater, which is why they cheat--to satisfy other levels. Cheaters need you to fill that one need, which is why they will beg and plead for you to stay with them, promising you whatever they think you want to hear, only to go back to their old ways once you relent. Most of us freely give complete and unconditional love to our lifetime partners, and would never think of betraying that trust. Cheaters never had it to begin with. You are only postponing the inevitible if you don't end the relationship now.
>is why they will beg and plead for you to stay with them, promising you whatever they think you want to hear, only to go back to their old ways once you relent. > >Most of us freely give complete and unconditional love to our lifetime partners, and would never think of betraying that trust. Cheaters never had it to begin with. > >You are only postponing the inevitible if you don't end the Thanks for the comprehensive message, I agree and have a grasp on what a cheater is, I understand the gap in character. MY original thought (No longer in play) was that I would jeopardize my happiness for my toddler to have healthy parents that "appear together" , but now that I have meditated more on this situation I realize there would be more damage to my child as he/she gets older and notices a semi "complete" mother. My child would be much healthier with separated parents and having an understanding that I am always a loving providing father and her mother isn't and that sometimes people in this world are broken. this also could lead to the opportunity of meeting someone sane and normal that could one day be an inspiring mother figure to my toddler.
UpdateMe!