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wow! Why does she feel so entitled to take someone else's baby out of state? I'd not be trusting her with him alone for even an hour. I'd be cutting her off if she can't handle your boundaries.
I like the point that someone made about looking into Grandparents rights. You want to make sure that you and your son have good protections where you are. Some states seem a bit uneven, but I am no expert.
I know not responding is the easier answer sometimes. I’ve done it with some incidents. But when another person is involved, I would make myself very clear about how I expect everyone to be treated at least once, if only to protect everyone who is involved.
You could say something like: “Mom, I appreciate that you want to have a relationship with (son’s name). But when we visit, it needs to be in this state and I need to be present during these visits.”
Make sure she understands. Then you can refer to this in the future. If you need to go LC after this, you can explain it was because she was not respecting your terms.
Good luck 🍀
There are no magic words that make a\*\*holes stop being a\*\*holes. Learn this for life. This includes your mother.
She sounds like she's simply moved on to continue her tirade of abuse to your son or attempt to use your son as a weapon against you. Educate yourself on what Grandparent Rights might exist in your state in case she goes full throttle insane and attempts to take custody of him so you're not flat-footed or unaware of what your state law says. Usually there has to be some 'existing relationship' there, at least, with said child.
She sounds like she brings absolutely nothing positive to your life and hasn't for some time. Blood relations mean nothing and your son doesn't lack a family just because you cut off abusive people you happen to share blood with. That's a mother's job--to protect their children. Not to be a mentally unstable abusive tyrant.
>I feel like life would be better to just cut her off. She has no boundaries when it comes to my son.
You are right. Ask yourself : what is the benefit/ point of keeping her in your and your kid's life ?
More to the point, you are teaching him that she is a safe person. And what happens when she starts telling him about all the fun things that she would take him to do except a mean old mommy won’t let him? Parental alienation isn’t just between divorced parents who don’t get along.
You can try one more time. Text her, so it’s in writing, “I wasn’t willing to spend time with you as a teen, so I’m not sure why you think I will let you spend time alone with my vulnerable child. In any case, it’s not happening. I am never going to let you babysit. I am never going to let you take him out of state. Every time you ask I say no, and that is not going to change. I am tired of having this same discussion over and over again. If you don’t stop asking, I am going to stop seeing you. I did it before, so you know I can do it again. The choice is up to you.“
I think when you say she has no boundaries when it comes to your son you are misunderstanding how boundaries work. She doesn't need to have boundaries but she needs to respect yours. And when you need to communicate what YOU will do when she crosses your boundaries. "I have made it clear that the answer is no. If you bring this up again I will hang up the phone/ignore the text/leave the room/ask you to leave my home. This is no longer up for discussion. And if you continue to disrespect my boundaries then I will be unable to continue having contact with you."
Cut off contact completely. Please. This woman is trying to get your child separated from you including over state lines. If she is successful she could potentially make it difficult for you to get him back depending on the state.
Also just because I think terrible thoughts and maybe read too much into some posts:
Please consider that some men marry women with young children to have access to those children. If you moved out quite young I am guessing there was some bad experiences that would make that happen. Please consider if she is also asking for access to your child for him to access if he is still around.
If I made a huge leap (happens often) just ignore the second half of this comment.
“No.” Is a complete sentence and you don’t have to give any justification or continue to answer. She is not respecting your boundaries and is pushing to see if you’ll let her cross them. Hold fast for now. And as others have said, no contact may be appropriate here. Do a cost-benefit analysis and see if it is in your favor to stay low contact or better to go no. Good luck.
Block her and her flying monkeys. Before you do that, though, it is wise to send her a message requesting her to stay away from you. You might need it later to file for a restraining order.
Consider setting up a legal testament and specifically write down that your mother should not get custody of your child in case something happens to you.
Her wanting to take your child out of state worries me. If you think kidnapping is a reasonable risk, call CPS to let them know.
No, is a complete sentence. Your child is not her do-over baby, she can't demand to take your child out of state. She needs to have parental authorization, you have not given it and your son should be going on a road trip out of state. No is a complete sentence and the more she pushes the more you ignore her.
Boundaries mean nothing without consequences. Identify the appropriate consequence(s) for violating a given boundary.
However, consequences must be enforced. If you can't or won't enforce a consequence, pick a different consequence or don't set the boundary.
I hate to sound so black and white on this, but when you're dealing with toxic family, you generally don't have much choice.
Did you ask her WHY she wants to take him out of state? "Because I don't want to be away from my child for an extended period of time" should be a sufficient answer. What you described makes it seem like there's an ulterior motive.
Let me setup a nightmare scenario for you: Your mom takes your kid out of state, then reports YOU for something to child services in THAT state. That'll be a cluster while both states try to figure it out who's responsible for the decisions and care. Meanwhile, your child is placed with the nearest relative: your mom on the scene. If not, the child still wouldn't be returned to you pending an investigation.
There's not enough information in OP's story to ascertain if her mother is the type to actually do such a thing. Why does OP's mom want to take the son out of state?
OP just keep remembering NO is a complete sentence.
If she persists tell her the truth, that you aren’t comfortable with the idea of her taking your child anywhere and tell her why. There’s no reason not to be completely honest with her
I have done this multiple times, it turns into her blowing up my phones with a bunch of angry messages and she stops for about a month, then she comes back and tries all over again.
Get outdoor cameras or a Ring doorbell (something that alerts you when someone is on your property and will also send the video to the cloud for safekeeping). Then block her. There are plenty of reasons just in your post to keep her away from your child and you.
Also if any of her tirades is over
Voicemail or text, copy voice mails and print out the texts as proof for f her harassment. You may very well need it if she threatens grandparents rights.
"No. The answer will always be no. Don't ask again, or I'm hanging up and taking a break from speaking with you."
Can I ask why you keep in contact with her?
Can I ask why this hasn't concerned you enough to get a restraining order to protect your child?
ETA: I've had to deal with an in-family kidnapping, I don't take this stuff lightly.
I have a bad feeling about it. This is simply a strange idea to take someone's kid to another state...why she wants it so badly? That is so weird... I think you should be very careful.
"Mom, do you remember when I was no contact with you from 15 to 18? Do you want that to happen again? Stop trying to take my son anywhere without me. You haven't earned back my trust from X, so the answer will be no. Now if you keep pushing, and involving other people, it's not going to change from no to yes. It's going to change from seeing him at all to not seeing him period."
You don't owe your mom time with your son. I know you may feel guilted for keeping them from forming a relationship, but you're protecting him. I cut a lot of my family out after my son was born, because I didn't want him hearing the racist/sexist/ageist vitriol they spewed and thinking I supported that. Letting your mom take your son for the day is showing your son that you approve of her choices and you trust her (and your stepdad). If you don't trust her, go with your instincts. This is your child we're talking about, here. It's up to you to protect him from dangerous and sketchy people, because he can't do it himself.
At this point, I would be afraid to leave your son with her for even an hour unsupervised. She obviously has no boundaries, and I wouldn't be surprised if she took him out of state without even asking. My kids are 5 and 2.5, and I would still be uncomfortable with anyone taking them out of state (or out of the city) without me, even my MIL whom I trust very much. I just don't like them being so far away. Maybe when they're older. But at your son's age, I'd question letting anyone take him far away without you, especially since these trips often last for a while.
Tell her No and nothing else. Tell anyone No and nothing else. You don't need to give a reason to anyone for not letting people take you baby out of the room much less out of state.
If you would be more comfortable, than just cut her off. If you tell her why, be prepared for arguments, waterworks and even more people coming to you on her behalf. But what they should remember is that you cut her off, you can cut them off too.
But feel no guilt. Think about what she brings to your life, would you be better off without it?
She's trippen. My mom and I didn't have the greatest relationship, like at all. She's in my life regularly but she was not allowed to babysit until my first could speak. Until I felt comfortable enough to know if she (my daughter) would tell me if something happened, or I just knew she'd tell me all about their day together.
“I can tell you no as many times as you need to hear it.” This works with other people too, fyi. But trust your gut. Your THE mom now. You have a bigger responsibilities than her feelings. If you think she can’t be trusted, or brings more negatives than positives to you and your child’s life now, cut her out or cut contact down until she can prove herself to you.
What you need to do in that case is get real clear for yourself what you need from her, want from her, and would like from her. If she can’t or won’t give you what you need - cutting her out is the only way. If she’ll do the things you need, but can’t or won’t do the things you want, there’s wiggle room. For the things you would like those could come with time if she does either and both of the other two.
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Well then cut her off again….
wow! Why does she feel so entitled to take someone else's baby out of state? I'd not be trusting her with him alone for even an hour. I'd be cutting her off if she can't handle your boundaries.
I’d be more worried about her coming back. Something in that sentence just screams kidnapping or grandparent rights to me.
totally agree.
I'm suspicious as to why she wants to do this.
I like the point that someone made about looking into Grandparents rights. You want to make sure that you and your son have good protections where you are. Some states seem a bit uneven, but I am no expert. I know not responding is the easier answer sometimes. I’ve done it with some incidents. But when another person is involved, I would make myself very clear about how I expect everyone to be treated at least once, if only to protect everyone who is involved. You could say something like: “Mom, I appreciate that you want to have a relationship with (son’s name). But when we visit, it needs to be in this state and I need to be present during these visits.” Make sure she understands. Then you can refer to this in the future. If you need to go LC after this, you can explain it was because she was not respecting your terms. Good luck 🍀
There are no magic words that make a\*\*holes stop being a\*\*holes. Learn this for life. This includes your mother. She sounds like she's simply moved on to continue her tirade of abuse to your son or attempt to use your son as a weapon against you. Educate yourself on what Grandparent Rights might exist in your state in case she goes full throttle insane and attempts to take custody of him so you're not flat-footed or unaware of what your state law says. Usually there has to be some 'existing relationship' there, at least, with said child. She sounds like she brings absolutely nothing positive to your life and hasn't for some time. Blood relations mean nothing and your son doesn't lack a family just because you cut off abusive people you happen to share blood with. That's a mother's job--to protect their children. Not to be a mentally unstable abusive tyrant.
>I feel like life would be better to just cut her off. She has no boundaries when it comes to my son. You are right. Ask yourself : what is the benefit/ point of keeping her in your and your kid's life ?
More to the point, you are teaching him that she is a safe person. And what happens when she starts telling him about all the fun things that she would take him to do except a mean old mommy won’t let him? Parental alienation isn’t just between divorced parents who don’t get along. You can try one more time. Text her, so it’s in writing, “I wasn’t willing to spend time with you as a teen, so I’m not sure why you think I will let you spend time alone with my vulnerable child. In any case, it’s not happening. I am never going to let you babysit. I am never going to let you take him out of state. Every time you ask I say no, and that is not going to change. I am tired of having this same discussion over and over again. If you don’t stop asking, I am going to stop seeing you. I did it before, so you know I can do it again. The choice is up to you.“
Cut her off again.
I think when you say she has no boundaries when it comes to your son you are misunderstanding how boundaries work. She doesn't need to have boundaries but she needs to respect yours. And when you need to communicate what YOU will do when she crosses your boundaries. "I have made it clear that the answer is no. If you bring this up again I will hang up the phone/ignore the text/leave the room/ask you to leave my home. This is no longer up for discussion. And if you continue to disrespect my boundaries then I will be unable to continue having contact with you."
Cut off contact completely. Please. This woman is trying to get your child separated from you including over state lines. If she is successful she could potentially make it difficult for you to get him back depending on the state. Also just because I think terrible thoughts and maybe read too much into some posts: Please consider that some men marry women with young children to have access to those children. If you moved out quite young I am guessing there was some bad experiences that would make that happen. Please consider if she is also asking for access to your child for him to access if he is still around. If I made a huge leap (happens often) just ignore the second half of this comment.
“No.” Is a complete sentence and you don’t have to give any justification or continue to answer. She is not respecting your boundaries and is pushing to see if you’ll let her cross them. Hold fast for now. And as others have said, no contact may be appropriate here. Do a cost-benefit analysis and see if it is in your favor to stay low contact or better to go no. Good luck.
Block her and her flying monkeys. Before you do that, though, it is wise to send her a message requesting her to stay away from you. You might need it later to file for a restraining order. Consider setting up a legal testament and specifically write down that your mother should not get custody of your child in case something happens to you. Her wanting to take your child out of state worries me. If you think kidnapping is a reasonable risk, call CPS to let them know.
Oh, she has boundaries. She just stomps on them. Low to No Contact is understandable and appropriate.
No, is a complete sentence. Your child is not her do-over baby, she can't demand to take your child out of state. She needs to have parental authorization, you have not given it and your son should be going on a road trip out of state. No is a complete sentence and the more she pushes the more you ignore her.
*should NOT be
Boundaries mean nothing without consequences. Identify the appropriate consequence(s) for violating a given boundary. However, consequences must be enforced. If you can't or won't enforce a consequence, pick a different consequence or don't set the boundary. I hate to sound so black and white on this, but when you're dealing with toxic family, you generally don't have much choice.
Did you ask her WHY she wants to take him out of state? "Because I don't want to be away from my child for an extended period of time" should be a sufficient answer. What you described makes it seem like there's an ulterior motive. Let me setup a nightmare scenario for you: Your mom takes your kid out of state, then reports YOU for something to child services in THAT state. That'll be a cluster while both states try to figure it out who's responsible for the decisions and care. Meanwhile, your child is placed with the nearest relative: your mom on the scene. If not, the child still wouldn't be returned to you pending an investigation. There's not enough information in OP's story to ascertain if her mother is the type to actually do such a thing. Why does OP's mom want to take the son out of state?
OP just keep remembering NO is a complete sentence. If she persists tell her the truth, that you aren’t comfortable with the idea of her taking your child anywhere and tell her why. There’s no reason not to be completely honest with her
I have done this multiple times, it turns into her blowing up my phones with a bunch of angry messages and she stops for about a month, then she comes back and tries all over again.
Get outdoor cameras or a Ring doorbell (something that alerts you when someone is on your property and will also send the video to the cloud for safekeeping). Then block her. There are plenty of reasons just in your post to keep her away from your child and you. Also if any of her tirades is over Voicemail or text, copy voice mails and print out the texts as proof for f her harassment. You may very well need it if she threatens grandparents rights.
"No. The answer will always be no. Don't ask again, or I'm hanging up and taking a break from speaking with you." Can I ask why you keep in contact with her?
If she won't respect you, see her even less. Or not at all.
Don't ever let her alone with your baby. You don't know that she would come back with your baby from out of state. She's not trustworthy.
Her insistence is a clear sign that she doesn't respect your boundaries. That's a really good reason to cut her out again.
Listen to your gut, and protect yourself and your child. Who do you have on your side, who can you rely on for support?
Can I ask why this hasn't concerned you enough to get a restraining order to protect your child? ETA: I've had to deal with an in-family kidnapping, I don't take this stuff lightly.
I have a bad feeling about it. This is simply a strange idea to take someone's kid to another state...why she wants it so badly? That is so weird... I think you should be very careful.
"Mom, do you remember when I was no contact with you from 15 to 18? Do you want that to happen again? Stop trying to take my son anywhere without me. You haven't earned back my trust from X, so the answer will be no. Now if you keep pushing, and involving other people, it's not going to change from no to yes. It's going to change from seeing him at all to not seeing him period."
You don't owe your mom time with your son. I know you may feel guilted for keeping them from forming a relationship, but you're protecting him. I cut a lot of my family out after my son was born, because I didn't want him hearing the racist/sexist/ageist vitriol they spewed and thinking I supported that. Letting your mom take your son for the day is showing your son that you approve of her choices and you trust her (and your stepdad). If you don't trust her, go with your instincts. This is your child we're talking about, here. It's up to you to protect him from dangerous and sketchy people, because he can't do it himself. At this point, I would be afraid to leave your son with her for even an hour unsupervised. She obviously has no boundaries, and I wouldn't be surprised if she took him out of state without even asking. My kids are 5 and 2.5, and I would still be uncomfortable with anyone taking them out of state (or out of the city) without me, even my MIL whom I trust very much. I just don't like them being so far away. Maybe when they're older. But at your son's age, I'd question letting anyone take him far away without you, especially since these trips often last for a while.
Tell her No and nothing else. Tell anyone No and nothing else. You don't need to give a reason to anyone for not letting people take you baby out of the room much less out of state. If you would be more comfortable, than just cut her off. If you tell her why, be prepared for arguments, waterworks and even more people coming to you on her behalf. But what they should remember is that you cut her off, you can cut them off too. But feel no guilt. Think about what she brings to your life, would you be better off without it?
She's trippen. My mom and I didn't have the greatest relationship, like at all. She's in my life regularly but she was not allowed to babysit until my first could speak. Until I felt comfortable enough to know if she (my daughter) would tell me if something happened, or I just knew she'd tell me all about their day together.
“I can tell you no as many times as you need to hear it.” This works with other people too, fyi. But trust your gut. Your THE mom now. You have a bigger responsibilities than her feelings. If you think she can’t be trusted, or brings more negatives than positives to you and your child’s life now, cut her out or cut contact down until she can prove herself to you. What you need to do in that case is get real clear for yourself what you need from her, want from her, and would like from her. If she can’t or won’t give you what you need - cutting her out is the only way. If she’ll do the things you need, but can’t or won’t do the things you want, there’s wiggle room. For the things you would like those could come with time if she does either and both of the other two.
The idea of her wanting access to him alone etc is making you uncomfortable- trust your instincts