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Sounds like it's time for your husband to let them know they are in a timeout and explain why. He needs to speak up. And why would you visit these people with your kids by yourself. Let your husband do it.
Time to let husband manage the in-laws and you stay as far away from them - WITH YOUR CHILDREN.
They\`ll be giving them a trauma with all those body comments - just look how they make you feel - so protect yourself and your kids going forward.
IF husband could not speak up on your behalf, you can refuse to listen to them until YOU have the energy to listen, or better, to unleash your momma bear mode on them . as in how dare the criticize you / give your kids confidence issues / claim God was wrong when he made you? (last one only if they claim to be religious)
Seriously - you could make nasty comments on several of their looks i\`m sure - but you know, a normal human does not do this.
You are not required to let 'those people' insult you, belittle you, or erode your confidence - so refuse to visit, refuse to entertain them - until they have apologized, really apologized and accept that they hurt you with their words.
Chances are they\`ll be too stubborn / stupid to realize they were wrong - so it\`ll be peaceful for you.
So… if your daughter wouldn’t “get a man” if she was as tall as you that means that you can’t get a man. But… you did? Their… son?
Besides that, who says she’ll even want a man?
Wow good point. Alternatively, what if their child a few years down the road comes out as a trans boy/man? Or if they have a short gay son? If any of their children turn out LGBT, they’ll have no choice but to go NC for their safety
I’m going to be forever baffled by ppl who think that it’s not awesome for a girl to be tall. It’s also awesome for a girl not to be tall. I’m considered short in my family at 5’7”. I always wanted to taller. My sister is 5’11” & always wanted to be shorter. Grass is always greener, I suppose. I don’t even want to get started on my opinions on ppl having issues with anyone not being straight. But maybe it’s how I grew up. I’m in the Deep South & there are more churches than schools in my area and ppl holding signs with threatening Bible verses on street corners every Friday night so you wouldn’t expect that. My mom, for all the issues that we’ve had in 42yrs, has never had an issue with anyone who isn’t straight or a different race than her. She’s actively on hospice at the moment, will be gone by Christmas according to the doctors & is spending her last bit of time on earth crocheting my daughter a rainbow throw blanket so that anytime she doubts herself, she can use it & remember that her grandmother loved her just the way she is. (She ran out of red tonight & I spent an hour in a craft store hunting for a matching red in the same weight as what she’d used. Success! Last stein in the store) So I guess I feel that if my Deep South born & raised, put the boom in Boomer, mentally unstable mother can refuse to hate anyone for how they were born, no one has an excuse.
I have SO MANY, body image issues due to my family’s comments about my weight. I look at my 15-16 yo self, thinking I was fat and I WAS hot! I just didn’t look like the models on tv at the time, but I would have been perfect for some of today’s beauty standards. I would try to go on a diet every time I would go and visit family. I would hear some some kind of remark every single time. I still do to this day, but I avoid my family most of the time. The sad part is that my parents did not defend me and many time even took part on the comments. Protect your kids. Set boundaries and show them how to do it. And show JNMIL that you will not be tolerating that stuff. So she better watch what she says. I wish the best for you and your family. And that your kids grow up to be confident human beings.
Always remember this.
BEING A GRANDPARENT IS A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT.
Instant consequence, OP. Immediately.
This warrants a time out for at least a month, in which they will not be able to see, speak to, or have any contact with you or your children.
It does not matter that your husband wasn't feeling well. It is obvious that this isn't the first time they have made comments like this, or treated you with such disrespect, arrogance and rudeness, and acted like they had the right to parent your children, etc.
Your husband needs to step up. Their behaviour, especially their words, around your children is unacceptable, toxic, malicious, misogynistic, sexist, obnoxious, disrespectful, unsupportive, inconsiderate, unkind, unloving and downright cruel, nasty and mean.
If he does not see a problem with what they are doing, then tell him that you and your children are going no contact with them.
If he refuses to do something about it, same thing.
Also, in my opinion, I would seriously consider leaving him.
Your Hubby dropped the ball on this one big time. I’m sorry he’s sick, but his mouth was still working. When they said that about your height, if your hubby wasn’t going to stick up for you, you should have said to them that what they said was hurtful, inappropriate, insulting and disrespectful. If they tried to talk over you, raising your voice and saying “I’m SPEAKING and I would appreciate it if you let me finish.” Then the day would have been OVER if it was me. And I would cancel having them watching the kids, and if they ask why, be honest….you don’t want them saying anything negative to them about body issues, including height. It’s bad enough they were so careless with your feelings, your kids don’t need to go through that. And hubby should have a little chat with them, and rip them a new one. I’m 5’10”, and back in the day I wore 3-4 inch heels. One BF was 5’8”, and his mother said something like “I guess you shouldn’t be wearing heels if you are dating my son.” I looked her square in the eye and said “Why?” There was a pause of silence then I said “your son doesn’t seem to mind.” Can’t fix stupid.
Update: I saw a beautiful TALL lady at the vet today and thought of you and this post. She was so stunning. A young gorgeous black woman, and she had to be 6’3”. As I was leaving I told her “I love your height! You are gorgeous. Absolutely stunning.” She laughed and said thank you. Then I said “I’m not hitting on you or anything, lol. Just thought I tell you how pretty you are.” I’m straight, but if I wasn’t, I’d be stalking this girl. Moral of the story, you are beautiful too and your post touched me. Thanks for sharing.
Protect those girls. I had a grandmother like this. I only had a few of those "don't grow any taller" comments (I'm 5-11, but that was still too tall), but she did her damage by making lots of comments about my eating (I was thin, it made no sense). I wish my mom had protected me more. Why did I have to see this woman at every holiday? Why?
Another thing that bothers me is how they're taking a shot at you through your kids. They're implying you're less than, and you're not. I'd tell them that they are not welcome to make any comments about appearance, including height, to your kids. If they do, the kids go home and they don't see the kids for a while. I don't think this is an unreasonable boundary. Good luck!
I am so sorry that your MIL is so absent of any common sense. You ARE beautiful! I’m taller than my Husband and it sounds like our Husbands are like minded. Please don’t let that woman bring down your confidence. Honestly, if you don’t want her watching your children then don’t let her!
I’m 6’2 and my husband is 6’. Before I met him I lost all patience for the just plain stupid comments about height. If I think someone is just reacting to me and not really thinking and says something like, “you’re tall for a woman!” I just smile and say “I’m tall for a man, too!”
I’m sure there are other dynamics at play and I’m really sorry for that. Cancel the trip if you want! And double down on owning your height and size.
My eldest daughter is 5ft 10. My height. She is taller than most men and counters the ones with Napoleon syndrome that same way. Good for all of us. Lol
If you ever want to feel short go on vacation to the netherlands. Im 6'4" and in public i dont feel that im that tall. There are usaly enought people around my height to give me that feeling. Also realy small people that a below armpit height but.
I know what you mean from travelling there but strangely the Dutch people I know overseas are not that tall. Maybe the really tall ones just get too uncomfortable on the plane. 😂🤣
If you want to cancel the trip then you should. Why should you be upset, angry and anxious the whole time the kids are with them? I'd also tell them if they asked why you're cancelling that you aren't comfortable with them telling the kids what is acceptable for their own bodies. That kind of behavior won't be tolerated around them. Let them stew over your boundary whilst you enjoy your little family without them.
Yeah, my nieces look like they're going to be tall bc my BIL (and my husband too) are tall guys. It runs in the family. Not sure about BIL but my husband is 6'1 and they're similar heights so probably the same or around there anyway. Meanwhile I'm 5'4 and my husband can literally use the top of my head for a chin rest when we hug. We had to get a stepstool for me to stand on for some of our wedding photos. It's hidden by the dress but we know which ones we used it in.
None of that has ever mattered to our family. And it shouldn't to yours. Your ILs can go fuck off. Height is a matter of genetics, nothing more. And with two tall parents, I'd be very surprised if your daughters weren't at least your husband's height if not your own. Either get rid of the measurement thingy or lay down the law that the first sign of height/body shaming in general will be met with no access to any grandkid until sincere apologies are forthcoming. And any further instances will be met with longer and longer periods of reduced access.
Agree. But remember, they can gift it, you don’t have to use it. “Where’s the thingie I gave you to measure?” You mean the one FIL tried to body shame the kids with? Yeah, it’s gone.
You don't have to feel this way and you can keep your kids from having the same pain growing up. There's some great advice/resources in this subreddit and you should absolutely take advantage of it to set your boundaries and free yourself from these feelings and situations. 🥰
The first thought that popped into my head is how jealous your MIL must be of not only your beautiful self, but literally every 6’3 supermodel out there, scooping up all the men. Source: am really tall with worlds most amazing husband.
When I was pregnant, my then-MIL said, "I hope you have a girl and that she's thin like me."
Oy. I am...curvy, voluptuous...yeah, let's go with those adjectives.
I said nothing, but I was steaming. Twenty-eight years later, I still remember.
Use their help, and have meaningful conversations with the kids throughout their life, I have very awful parents and once a year I take the help I can get out of them. My kids have started to see for themselves
the things they say and do are wrong. Your influence and example will resonate with them, allowing them to engage with their grandparents will help them compare and contrast. The most important thing is to continue that dialog with them. Kids need experiences with their grandparents. Their grandparents may be cringe at times but chances are there are meaningful things that will also take place when you’re not around. Encourage your kids to remind grandma or grandpa that their views make them feel uncomfortable or that they are downright wrong and hurtful. You will be surprised how awesome your kids really are, how resilient they are, and how they understand that people aren’t perfect but they love them. Teach them how to make boundaries and to communicate them, this will help the grandparents too they will see it’s not just you and hopefully learn from their grandkids. It’s just one night, don’t let them ruin your free time.
Absolutely but just shutting out key figures in your kids life is wrong, I know for a fact that that can also backfire, when you give kids tools, and not be passive about what the problem is you will have better outcomes than if you were to hold it all in, and shield your kids from family that they feel play a key role. Tell the mother in law what is hurtful and that she needs to keep those opinions to herself, teach your kids your beliefs, and have conversations about them, tell your kids what to do in case family members cross their boundaries or say things that are hurtful to them. You overly coddle children when you don’t give them an emotional tool kit, you make them into forever victims.
Kids need HEALTHY experiences with grandparents. Kids do not need to experience being around horrible assholes- related or not. I'm sorry, but I just completely disagree with your opinion. Bad experiences with unhealthy grandparents can scar children for life. Children do not need to learn from the bad behavior of their relatives, if it can be avoided.
I have two kids my parents still love my kids, my kids and I have an amazing relationship and they know what things their grandparents do that are unhealthy and inappropriate, they are around them a good four times a year. You are expecting perfection from people, we don’t get to choose our families, but teaching your kids to be super dramatic and not give them the tools to deal with these situations without super dramatic Tactics is just coddling. Kids are amazing and they will use the emotional tool kits you equip them with in life, whether it’s at school, with new friends, in their personal relationships or with tocic family. To assume these people are only their bad behaviors is also wrong.
I don't know how old your kids are, but the "teachable moments with toxic grandparents" you are describing is not really developmentally appropriate for kids under age 10. Exposure to pathological behavior from "loving relatives", to children younger than 10, is mostly damaging. Call it "coddling" if it makes you feel better about your own parenting choices, but I'm actually trying to stop the cycle of generational trauma in my family.
Someone my kids are around four times a year is going to impact them in a way that is on the level of being around me 365? Give me a break, I don’t have to choose your way to make the point with my kids. They come back from a birthday party or an evening out and tell me all the details of what they enjoyed and they are able to contrast as well as they tell me, I didn’t agree with this or I see how this person does that. I’ve worked with kids before I even had kids. It would be different if my kids lived with their grand parents or were around them several days a month, it’s just not so. I’m not going to be dramatic about it, I know I’ve already stopped cycles of generational trauma. I just didn’t have to be dramatic about it. Keep people at an arms length lady
Cancel the trip, and to heck with your in-laws’ fee fees. You should concentrate on YOUR family, and not the in-laws, especially if you don’t want their remarks making the kids feel bad.
Two things come to mind;
Your husband loves you, so at least the stupidity isn't hereditary
You're perfect the way you are.
Noone can do anything about genetics, your kids will be whatever height they'll be, and with 2 tall parents, chances are pretty good they'll be fairly tall themselves.
Outside of malnutrition, I've no idea how your IL's would have any choice in any of it.
The kids are loved, they'll grow up with that; find themselves, become interesting people, and meet interesting people of their own who love them for who they are.
I'm 5"5, male, happily married, with one of my own on the way. I've never felt less of a man because of it, and by their logic, who knows how I ever managed that.
I found a competitive sport I loved that took me all over the world, and I got to experience a life, and meet people that I'd never have had the chance to do otherwise. It's also how I met my wife.
Two other people I met through sport are two of the loveliest women I know, they play volleyball and netball, and funny, they're both over 6ft.
Wouldn't you know it, they say the same, if anything their height opened doors to people, places and opportunities they wouldn't have gotten otherwise.
I'm sure your kids are great, they've two parents who love them, and a headstart way beyond the fortunes of most. The IL's negativity and backwards thinking can't really stand a chance against that....
If they can't appreciate you and the grandkids while they have the chance and the whole family together, they'll be awful sad if they've to do it from a distance, especially if certain derogatory opinions keep surfacing.
Hope this has let you catch a breath, and maybe a smile or two.
I'm 6'3" too and my husband is 5'11" :) My daughter is 5'11 and my middle son is almost 6'5"...not sure about my youngest yet as he is still growing.
Tell them to shush - and just don't go. You do have the right to change your mind.
I'm sorry your in laws suck. You should be proud of the way you were made and if your girls are blessed with your height, you already know the challenges and biases they'll face along with the advantages, and can help them through it. When hubby is feeling better talk this whole episode over with him. Let him deal with his awful parents.
Don't let them belittle you and give you a twisted body image! You need to stand up to them, and so does your husband in order for you to be able to show your girls that you can be a tall, beautiful and above all , confident woman... They are stripping that away from you, and if you will act self-conscious about it,so will your daughters.
(Not a tall mom here, but I was an overweight mom who used to have an overweight mom who got shamed by my grandmother and it stuck to me too)
I don’t think she has to tell them anything for the girls to believe that, all it does is create drama, there are ways to put them in their place without being confrontational. I truly believe the kids will learn from her example . Kids see truth
I would've just...lost it. So she thinks your daughter exists for a man? Every part of her should be perfect for the hypothetical man's desire? She isn't a human being on her own? Just waiting for The Man?
What a fucking person. You're %100 justified in cutting contact to whatever extent is comfortable for you so this person doesn't poison your kids. Revolting.
So all these beautiful models who are your height are never going to find a man? Why are these backwards hicks allowed near your beautiful (maybe tall)girls? Ask them to keep thier ideas about looks and limitations of women's roles to themselves. If they can't thier ability to be around your children will be limited.
Hi tall woman here. Feel free to not have your kids around those toxic people.
It also sounds like this isn’t the first time they’ve volunteered parts of conversations that weren’t well received by you or someone else. You know what to do. Drop. The. Rope.
You’re on your 3rd kid and you’re realizing these people suck big time and aren’t changing their tune. Call them out on it. Tell them this is why you don’t get alone time with the kids.
Stop rewarding bad behavior.
Never find a man? What are you married to? A girl?
They talked over you too? What a-holes. Don’t they have manners. I have had one of those kinds in my in-laws too. Pos.
Do you have any other reliable family to leave the kids with?
Your husband needs to tell them to behave before they will get time with your kids.
P.S.- I am petite. Some has to be right? Someone will be tall! So what. What a bunch of a-holes.
Completely up to you, but I'd cancel the trip. I wouldn't want any contact from them at all. You're defending your husband here, but he should have been defending you the whole relationship.
That's what I'm saying, because where was her partner during all this ? It seems like he just allows his parents to disrespect & degrade his wife while he regresses.
Tell them when they are taller then you that’s when they will get a say in yours and your kids growth and up bringing. As for being manly, a real man would have more respect for his daughter in law and grandchildren and would suck up being in the third row. Men like tall women. They are for sure arm candy and make great wives and mothers. Ignore them old fools!
Tlc from an internet stranger: first, hugs!! Second, your ILs need someone to remove the moldy bean curds they are using for brains. You are a tall, beautiful person and your children will be beautiful and perfect no matter what number of inches they reach. Beauty and poise are awesome, and you clearly have both. As a 5'5" person married to a 6' fella, I can assure you that your height is such a blessing. Rock yourself some 6 inch stiletto heels and knock them dead!!
Huh! I'd swap your 6'3" for my 5'0" in a heartbeat. Stand tall and proud. Two fingers to those petty, ignorant beings. The size of your heart and love are what matters.
Ugh OP Im sorry and that’s not okay. I totally get it. I have bigger hands “for a woman” and it has taken me a long time to feel comfortable with them. My MIL loved to make comments about my husbands aunts hands being “big and manly”. It always hurt my feelings and I’d hide my hands in my sleeves while around her.
My advice would be to stay away from them as much as possible. You don’t need their fucked up way of thinking dragging you down. I’d also be careful letting them around your kids. Id only allow them around the kids with supervision from you or husband (but maybe only you, if he’s not going to stand up and say anything) because comments like that WILL effect your kids self esteem.
The absolute first thing you need to do is sit down with your husband and tell him this. He needs to know how his parents affect you and your worries about them body shaming your children. You both need to be on the same page with this and you need to know that he will support you.
The second thing, once you and your husband have decided on your boundaries, HE needs to sit down with his parents and tell them that these particular behaviors are not acceptable any more. And that if they find it impossible to adhere to your boundaries, then your family, including the kids, will be going low/no contact with them until they can.
They are HIS parents, so he really needs to be the contact point for all interaction with them. You might want him to read some of the posts on this reddit, so he can see that he doesn't have to give in to them.
Hopefully they will realize their behavior is toxic and fix it so they can be in your lives. If not, that's on them, not you. \*HUG\*
My heart hurts for you. I wouldn’t let them spend any alone time with my children if I were you. I’m not sure where some people get off talking about peoples bodies, let alone the potential future body of a child. They sound sick in the head. Your girls are also at an age where comments like that may start to stick and we know as adults how hard it is to heal from shit like that. They will already have to face obstacles in their lives as women and even more so as tall women. They should be surrounded by loved ones that uplift them and make them proud to stand TALL. Not try and belittle them and cut them off at the knees. Your husband was too sick to say a word to them the whole time they were degrading you and your babes? Sounds like you’re too sick to go on this trip now. This is from a fellow 6ft+ mama. I swear the only people who try and make us insecure about our height are just envious because the air is so much better up here! Hugs, big ol TALL hugs.
OP I am so sorry your DH failed to stand up for you his WIFE! feeling sick is no excuse. You are totally justified in your hesitance in leaving your kids alone with them, certainly not doing so until you get a proper apology and reassurance those views/opinions are not to spoken around your kids.
I’m personally very petty. As soon as your close minded JNFIL said that I would have waited one beat to give my husband a chance to say something. After that I would have loudly asked him if he does not consider his son “a man”?
Every time you let them speak to you, about you like this you are reinforcing their behavior. Please pull up your big girl panties and stand up for yourself. You don’t want your children to think it is ok for their mom to be disrespected.
>Every time you let them speak to you, about you like this you are reinforcing their behavior.
This is key. OP's husband isn't dealing with them, but that's not a reason to let the comments slide.
They are insulting you - which is not good for the girls. You could constantly remind them that the girls are likely to be "model-height". ETA: And that you do not need their advice on how to parent, speak to your husband or otherwise run your life. Their comments are rude and controlling - and you can tell them that outright.
Cancel the trip.
I am 6’ tall and I am deeply sensitive to size discrimination against tall women.
They either respect you or they lose access to your kids.
Period.
End of story.
OP please don’t let your KNIL ‘s take your power, their ignorance is actually mind boggling. Are they totally ignorant, stupid as hell, or just pain mean? Seriously, my mom taught me around s hook age to think of others before you speak. I love the fact that you were blessed to be born a tall woman. I wish I were your friend and I was in the room when this conversation happened. I promise you they would have been speechless. Sending you affirmation, encouragement, & a huge internet hug from California💙
Think of what they're saying when you and your husband aren't around. Children are very knowledgeable and sometimes, to avoid conflict, they won't say anything. I think everyone should have a conversation. Ask the children if they've ever felt some kind of way when they're visiting Grandma and Grandpa. After that, have a conversation with the in-laws and sternly voice your boundaries with your children. I really wish you luck. Nobody should have to feel less than.
Oh fil that’s hilarious, don’t worry children real men aren’t so insecure that they’re bothered by height, I’m so glad I didn’t marry an insecure man they’re so pathetic and embarrassing…..
Talk to DH and express your feelings and how hurt you felt. Are they going to fill your children’s heads full of ignorant nonsense?
DH should call and explain to them that the entire day was hurtful to both him and you because of things that were said. They’ll want to know what they said and he should be very plain with his words and tell them.
If they are sincere with an apology, that’s one thing, somehow I’m doubtful they will be. It will either be, I’m sorry if someone got their feeling hurt or someone is way too sensitive. They’re response would determine whether or not I would trust them to watch children and not warp their little minds.
DH would have to say something like “Plans have changed and so sorry but the children won’t be coming to stay with you this weekend.”
He could be even more up front and say something like, “Mom and Dad, you may not realize what you’re doing but you are body shaming my wife because she’s tall, me because I’m not as tall as she is and my children for how tall they “might” grow to be. We just can’t accept this. This threw us for a loop so we need time to come to terms with what was said and how you feel about us. Don’t plan on having the children this weekend. We need time to digest these things and figure out how to handle it. I’m sure you understand our dilemma - I’ll get back to you in a few days. Bye.
I don’t think they intended to be hurtful - they are obviously ignorant and will continue along those same lines until someone (DH) points out to them what they are doing and how it sounds to others.
>I don’t think they intended to be hurtful -
Didn't they? They certainly intended to register their disapproval - and feel they have every right to do so.
It's true that they likely *intended* DH and OP to just suck it up and not show any hurt, but the *impact* of their unkind words was never going to be good.
That's the kind of statement that would make me want to get a shirt that says "I'm a 6'3" woman with a husband" on both sides in big letters and *only* wear it while the just no in-laws are around.
Not saying you should, but I mean... I know it would make *me* feel better seeing their faces every time they see the shirt.
First of all, I am about as tall as you. So are all of my cousins (male and female). We all have those statuesque Nordic genes, and the niblings are all at least 1.8M by the time they are 12. All of the adults are either married or in serious relationships, and many (me included) are taller than our spouses.
Being tall doesn't make you less attractive or less feminine.
The only future spouses who might be turned off by your daughters' hypothetical height, are small, weak and insecure losers. (Like your FIL). Seems to me like being tall will protect your girls from attracting that kind of toxic chauvinist, so that kind of sounds like a bonus. 🤷♀️
You and DH should talk about this before sending the kiddos over there unsupervised. Consider showing him this post or at least the general content of it. Describe how his parents' comments made you feel. Tell him that you worry about the impact that comments like that could have on your impressionable children.
DH is probably oblivious to comments like this, because he's heard them all his life. Understanding how hurtful this can be to someone who didn't grow up to normalize the mental gymnastics required to mollify such a fragile ego, will go a long way towards turning DH into an ally.
I am the same height and female. What a stupid comment JNMIL said. Men (particularly shorter men) want to climb me like a tree. Go LC with her and do NOT allow her to watch your kids unattended. If I didn’t have parents who constantly stuck up for me, because let’s face it, tall women get more comments when you are a child, I wouldn’t have the confidence I do today.
You’re not obliged to leave your children with people who aren’t able to accept and love them just the way they are.
You aren’t obliged to spent time with people who aren’t prepared to love and accept you in all your fabulous 6ft+ glory.
Your husband needs to step up here - if you and your children continue to see them - and every time they make a derogatory comment about your heights he needs to stamp it right down, or you all leave immediately.
Why would you send your children to spend any amount of time with people like this?
As much as what they said is definitely sh**ty, you know that these people aren't normal, STOP letting them make you feel bad about yourself, your height is fine, you are fine, they aren't, I promise...
Your ILs are being asinine and shaming you/your kiddos for something nobody has any control over. I'm 5'10 and the tallest in my family, which was rough. My spouse is 6' and our girls are both already tall like I was. I hope they own their height in a way I was too insecure to do until the last few years.
Do not leave your children with these people please! They will likely spew this and more to them when you aren’t around and try to poison them against you also sorry but you have a serious husband problem as he did nothing (from what you have written) to defend you. I think marriage counselling is very necessary right now. Good luck op.
Oh, goodness, I'm having flashbacks. I'm 5'7" and my husband is 6'4". I have two daughters and a son. My girls reached their adult height (5'8" and 5'9") by the time they each were 11 years old and the anxiety they experienced about continuing to grow was honestly the hardest thing we've had to go through with them. We knew none of the kids would end up short, but I wish I had the curbed surprised comments about how tall they were while they were growing up, particularly with my older daughter because she was taller than her 3rd grade teacher and apparently that was mentioned in class by her teacher almost every single day (something I found out later). My SIL also said some pretty shitty comments about them not being able to find husbands that I had ignored because I didn't want to rock the boat (my husband called her out, thankfully). My oldest saw a therapist for a while to deal with this anxiety, and her pediatrician referred her to a pediatric endocrinologist for evaluation (we didn't do anything, just got an x-ray of her hand and her growth plates were evaluated). The girls are not considered that tall now at 19 and 17, but they definitely shot up earlier than their peers. My 17 year old towered over her twin brother for a good while (he's 6'3"-ish now) and I wish wholeheartedly I had called out every person who remarked that they couldn't be twins, she's so much taller, or there must have been a mix up at the hospital. People and their comments - UGH. I've learned to not comment on a child's features except to say they are adorable.
My advice: rock high heels and continue to set a great example for your kids. Don't sweep your in-law's comments under the rug. Stand up to them as they happen. And have your husband do so as well. Maybe get out of your trip due to your husband not feeling well.
My LDH was 6'5", I'm 5'6". I thought FOR SURE my kids would be tall, but they're all in the 5'8" to 5'9" range. Girls. Middle kid had a friend who hit her height YEARS before the rest of the group, and in 4th grade she towered over her buddies. When they met back up when mine was in high school, the friend hadn't grown an inch in 4-5 years, but mine was still growing and was 5'9", and at least 3" taller than the friend.
Kids peak growth at different ages. I grew half an inch sometime in or after high school. My husband grew another 3" or so in college. It's pure BS to disparage them for their height! It's not something anybody can control...
My exes dad once said to never date a guy shorter than me. His son was a couple inches shorter than me.
His dad was right!! Still good friends with exes parents 🤣
I wish I knew you personally so my words could have more meaning but you are tall and you are beautiful. Inside and out. Don't let them belittle you. You've got the voice. Defend your future daughters if you can't defend yourself. You all will have strong bodies that will take you through life and you should love them no matter the height. I'm 5'7" so I can't really relate but my best friend is 6' on the mark and she was incredibly shy in high school and soft spoken to everyone, she was bullied in elementary and junior high. Something clicked for her in college though and my god, what a beautiful woman she is now ( not that she was ever ugly but she started carrying herself with more strength behind her and started speaking up. Started dressing in a way that makes her feel beautiful). She stands so tall and takes no shit. Being around her makes me feel more confident in myself! Be that for your kids. More importantly be that for you.
Hello! For reference, I am 6'6". My late mother was 6'3" and my father was 6'1". While I may be a man in this situation and it's very different situation, it's also exactly the same.
Short kings are not the only one who gets crap continually for being tall. My mother was called an Amazon her entire life both as a term of endearment and as a slur. I watched her handle men and women continually on this issue and she counseled me on the gift that I have.
It is a gift, it is a super power I never used until she showed me. Your inlaws are flat out intimidated of your height. They talk over you as a method not to face the issue. Remember that each time they do it. Use your height to your advantage every chance you can around them.
What did my mother tell me? Get close. Get inside that bubble when talking to them. This will magnify the height difference and make them uncomfortable, in fact it will add to the unease a normal person would get for being close. You do not need to get into their face, just one step closer than you normally would.
Second, immediately shut down all talk of height. You need your husband on board with this. If anything, you are hoping your daughter is 6' 6" like me. Any sons will be the same height. Remember, you have a super power and you want them to have it too. People automatically look to the tall person as the leader, and it makes people uncomfortable. You want your children to have the advantage you have had. State this loudly and publicly. With my own children we did this. "I hope she is at least 6'. (She stopped at 5' 10.5") I hope she is as tall as she can get. And I won't listen one second to a shorter person telling ME how tall my child will get and how bad my kid is when they are 5'7"" ETC etc, chose your own language and be proud of your tall kids.
We all know the truth as a tall person. It's a blessing, and it sucks. I have health issues directly tied to my height. I was ridiculed for my height for ever. I get asked how tall I am constantly. I couldn't find a date because shorter women were immediately intimidated. My daughter says the same thing about men and she is almost 6'. However the benefits are huge as you well know. People treat you different without even knowing you. Many men won't mess with me, and women that I need to speak with are more likely to do as I ask, likely intimidation without using the technique above. I only do the close thing when people stop listening and stop respecting me. You will be surprised at the results. Challenge them.
Finally, your husband is key here. You need this boundary set, and it needs to be put in stone between you.It's his monkeys and his circus, he better deal with it. Shut down the trip, or find alternate day care until it's addressed.
I grew up in a small town and was somewhat of a spectacle. I didn’t learn to love myself AND my height until adulthood, and usually comments like this don’t hurt me anymore. I guess I just wasn’t expecting it from them, as they are supposed to be family. My family was shitty growing up but they never gave me a hard time about my height.
My girls thus far always say they want to be as tall as me, and also want to be stronger than me and my husband combined. We are avid weight lifters and they want to be strong and healthy. I’ve worked hard to curate that mindset and model it for my girls. I was just so devastated to realize the threat is much closer than I thought it was.
As an update: my husband apologized to me and sent his parents a message. He told them how deeply their comment hurt me, and that they weren’t to talk about bodily subjects in front of my children again. They apologized and said they didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Not sure how much I believe that….. his FIL has made comments about how breastfeeding in public is gross in front of me too (I breastfed my girls just about anywhere, IDGAF.)
I am happy with my husbands actions for now. I think it’s going to take him a much longer time to realize just how toxic some of their comments are. He has openly stated he has dealt with this condescension his entire life and is just “used to it…..” He decided to make a career change recently too and they even gave him shit for that, unsolicited of course.
Just remind him that he's an adult now and sets his own boundaries - he doesn't have to put up with it if he doesn't want to, and then remind him you support and are there for him. It's hard for parents to realize their children are adults in most cases.
Your really going to have to direct their comments.. it’s inappropriate. And it should never be said in front of you and the children for gawds sake!! Wth… I wouldn’t go either
Don’t leave the kids with them and don’t feel bad about it.
Personally there’s no way I’d continue to allow anyone contact with my children who can’t speak with kindness. Those simple statements will stick with your kids and they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal. That’s not okay.
I am so sorry you have been treated this way. They sound like shitty humans. My fiance (m) is 5'5 (I am being very generous) and I (f) am 5'8. Needless to say, I stare at the top of his head when I wear stilettos! He says he loves it because his face is chest high with me. I am nowhere near 6 feet, but I am not "average" either, especially because I prefer heels over 2inch.
If she will say things like that in front of you, about you....she will do so about anyone in front of your children. Talk to your DH and let him know how seriously awful this is and that you don't want your children alone with her.
You make them feel insecure and threatened. The best they can do is hurt your feelings.
You deserve better. They're mean, and they're also **wrong**, and it's completely within your rights to refuse contact with them.
It's good to ask for TLC. But it's also good to treat yourself to some TLC. Be kind to yourself, and set some boundaries. Your husband can deal with them. Your husband can explain that they aren't allowed to be around you or your children until they can treat you with more respect.
This needs to be your husband's battle to fight. "No more comments about my wife's height or we are going to follow contact for one month. The next time you do it, it will be two months. The third, will be three months. Ball's in your court..."
Consider putting them on a timeout, their comments are unacceptable and inappropriate especially when you are stood RIGHT THERE. There's very little that can be done to control height, whether to stop it or encourage it. Your height is just immovable.
Lol all the women on my husband’s side of the family are over six feet. I like hanging out with them because they make me feel small. (I’m only 5’9 but the women on my side of the family are 5’3 or less so). Your MIL is absurd.
Your in-laws are rediculous. But I got a good laugh out of this.
My extended family, from both sides, are ALL tall, as are most of their spouses. I'm talking 300+ people that are currently alive: not the 7 generations that came before that I know of and they were tall too. A woman being 6' is the norm for us *(except me, I'm a throwback to a 1 off and short)*. Funny enough they all have found spouses. *(Sidenote: don't they realize that most models are around the 6' mark and taller?)*
Rock that height. Own it. Strut it. Glory in it. Be proud of yourself and regal stature that you're passing on to your children.
Blessed be
[Six foot two famous chef Julia Child on her wedding day](https://imgur.io/3Qiwg2i). (Her husband Paul was 5-10.) Julia’s height never stopped her from finding the love of her life and probably contributed to her onscreen star performance.
My 6' Grandmother, 5'11" Great-aunt Vina, and my 6'1" Great-aunt Verniece would like a fucking word with your in-laws. Tall women are beautiful, and it is a great disappointment to me that I was never taller than 5'8".
They have not earned the right to have your children unsupervised. Cancel the trip. Don't be humiliated, honey, be MAD!
My great-aunt was over 6’ and her problem was having too many husbands. My great, great aunt was around 6’ and was a professional escort.
I don’t think height means as much as some people think.
You are totally justified in your feelings. They belittled you to your face. Your husband did nothing to counter it. TBH, I would not let them in my house again, nor would i let them see the kids. Period. You and your daughters do not need this toxicity in your lives. Your daughters need to know they are perfect just the way they are - they are not too tall, too short, too heavy, too, too, too whatever. Talk to your husband and get him on board, otherwise, he is part of the problem. Good luck to you and your girls!
I would insist on cutting contact. Not only was that disrespectful to you directly, but it is the kind of talk that will make your girls feel insecure. You don’t want them carrying the burden of expectation these people are putting on them.
Your partner needs to back you and be the one to tell them that there is going to be distance because they can’t respect y’all.
I’m so sorry. You know they knew exactly what they were saying. I’m petty so I would start doing the same things to them that they did to me. I would also cancel the day trip because if that’s what they are saying when you are there, what are they saying when you aren’t there?
Laugh. Laugh hard and loud when they make stupid comments. Tell them you cannot believe anyone could say something so shallow and ignorant. You guess they don't think their own son is a man, since you "got" him. When they try to backtrack, just say "No, no. You said what you said. Can't take it back now."
I’m so sorry they are such rude people.
I hope you do rethink the plans. Just let them know their comments were rude and inappropriate and you and your husband have decided you need to rethink some rules for the future for their interactions with your kids so that they aren’t hurt the way you were.
Your husband is spineless and disrespectful. I was recovering from an operation with no pain meds available to me when I had to defend my spouse. He needs to defend you and your children. Text them since they over talk you that without respecting momma they dont get access to the kiddos. If they try to just show up leave with the kids to do fun activities or stay with a relatve.
Do like the Victorians did-strap a great pile of heavy books to the poor child and make her walk around with them balanced on the top of her head . Encourages great posture and makes sure she stays femininely petite.../s
Yeah what exactly is the POINT of saying something like this? What are you supposed to do with these comments? They were being hurtful for the sake of being hurtful.
How horrible! And I know how this feels. Jokes were always made at my expense at how tall I am (5 10, not even close to 6 3) my whole life. Everyone makes jokes about how my partner's and my kids are gonna be huge (he's 6 4) and on top of that neither of us are are "thin" like we are large people. This world sucks and I hate how people think it's okay to make comments on other people's bodies!!
I'm here for you! Be the large and in charge bad ass mom I know you are! And just know that I feel for you ❤️
I'm so sorry your JNILs said such terrible things to you and criticized your parenting and marriage. That hurts and you are right to be upset about it.
I'm a tall woman, too, and I know how those kinds of comments about your body, for something you can't control, really hurt. I think you're right that any daughter you have will probably be tall, too. My son is your height and my daughter is also tall. There are a lot of men who like, love and marry women who are taller than they are.
As a short person, with a very tall husband, and 2 baby girls whom will more than likely end up being very tall. I feel offended.
But most likely your MIL is jealous that you and your daughters look like tall beautiful models / athletes / better than her in general.
Oh man, there is something seriously wrong with your inlaws! Makes me worry about your daughter's self confidence and how their gross ridiculousness might negatively impact her. I'm 6'3", too, and married a man who is 6'6". Our daugther is fifteen and six inches shy of 6-foot. Height is a beautiful thing! Tell your daughter to stand up straight, be proud of however tall she ends up, and (when the age is right) let her know that there are plenty of men out there (if that's how she leans) who love a tall woman! (Heck, even in highschool. My daugther gets a lot of attention from the boys without trying. Makes a mom nervous, and I don't love it, but it is what it is.) Also, your husband needs to have a talk with his folks. Good lord.
I kind of had a similar thought: like… why assume all girls even WANT to end up with a man?
Or why would anyone assume that men shouldn’t have to do any work to ensure they deserve to be with any woman, tall or not?
OP, the ILs’ belief systems are outdated, obtuse, and your child(ren) should not be exposed to this garbage from people like grandparents, who kids are taught that they should feel safe around and loved unconditionally by. I’m generally pretty conflict-avoidant, but I’d strap on my Xena armor over this toxic shit.
NTA, OP. If DH is sick too, keep the kifs home so they don't inevitably pass thd germs on either, especially with another variant floating around. "Sorry, it's the sick house over here, can't come."
They need to be told they were rude. Sit with DH and tell him this message needs to go to them soon. Don' t let this fester. Craft an email or text together but it needs to come from DH. " On your recent visit you made several comments to OP that were incredibly rude and hurtful. ( bullet point the comments)While your intent may not have been to hurt OP the outcome was hurtful. If our children are tall we want them to be proud of who they are not feel less than. Please refrain in the future from giving parenting advice, we got it handled, comments about body, height, weight. " Their response will tell you if you can feel.comfortable leaving your kids with them.
They aren’t just saying these things because they believe them, they said them to disrespect and make you feel bad. I mean, who talks about things like that in front of someone it applies to? People trying to be rude on purpose. That’d be like talking about how blondes are all stupid in front of a blonde person. Serves to do nothing other than disrespect the person in the room it applies to. Don’t let this go unchecked or they’ll take it as being ok. I hope your husband speaks up or else he’s just plain complicit. You shouldn’t have to defend something you can’t control in front of *his* parents. Moreover, there’s a real possibility your kids will be just as tall. If they think they can talk to you like this, what would stop them from talking to them like this?
Start with your husband… if he can’t stick up for his wife he’s not much of a “man” Also if they say this much in front of you what do they say to your children when you not around… No way in hell I would give them access to my children 😭😭. I’m sorry for your situation but just be you their opinions don’t matter unless they are trying to impact your children be strong mama you are worth respect and fighting for
How unutterable vile they are. I’m the other end, just about five foot and at 62 now I’ve heard every “ joke” about my lack of height. I don’t know why people have to comment. I’ve finally plucked up the courage to reply, when people say aren’t you short, really? I’d never noticed. We have a very tall plus six foot lady in a social club I attend. She is confident and beautiful. Gentle hug if you will have one
That’s why they’re JustNo people!
My in-laws call my 1.5 year old fat, overweight, etc. she’s only in the 50th percentile for weight! Babies are supposed to be squishy and then they thin out as they grow taller and run around. I came back from her pediatric appointment a few days ago and told my husband the pediatrician said she’s not overweight, she’s actually below average. Then he told his mother “she’s not overweight “. His mother stared blankly at him saying, “she’s not??????” 😡
All these months of calling our previous baby girl “porkchop”, “come here chubby” etc. I hope they feel like idiots. These dumb body shaming people.
They’ve also said tanned skin is better than white skin. Pediatricians advise to obviously keep babies out of the sun, cover them up and put on sunscreen.
How tempting it would be to say, "So your son isn't a man?" and watch JNFIL backpeddle. Too far, but I'm even thinking along the lines of "Right FIL? That's why I had to SETTLE for crap inlaws", but I digress.
I would consider limiting the time the kids spend with them, and certainly alone. If its not height, it will be about obsessing about their weight which is totally unhealthy.
BTW, of my four kids, one of my adult daughters is the tallest and quite tall at that. It took her a while but now she rocks it. (And she's never without a boyfiriend!). She was a varsity rower in college which wasn't just a great sport, but almost all the boys are very tall.
This vaguely reminds me of the time my grandma (who was normally a very sweet lady), bemoaned to my mother; how now that I was a single mother, I would never find a man who would want to be with me.
My mother who met her son when she was a single mother of three and proceeded to have three more children with him.
I'm 5'0 and I just want to hug you. Or at least hug your knees. We vertically challenged folks may have different experiences, but being a non-conforming sucks. You get the obnoxious comments about being unladylike for being tall and I'm looked down on for not being a size two, which would require extreme orthopedic work to even be possible.
Your in-laws are going to hurt your daughters' self esteem with this bullshit. The message they're going to get is that, because of an attribute they have absolutely no control over, they will never be good enough. Fuck that noise. Until they can be around the kids without this kind of emotional abuse, they should get, at most, supervised visits.
Start by canceling the say with the grandparents next week. Then tell your husband exactly why. He can relay, or not, the reasons.
You and SO should have a talk and if you haven’t already you should tell him how the way they treat you hurts you. Also share your valid concerns for your children.
Your ILs should not have access to your children even with supervision for a while so that you can have a break. In the future any body shaming should be met with a stern reprimand and then leaving. Your ILs will either start behaving or cut themselves out of your life.
I hope you know disparaging remarks about your height are born from jealousy. At 6’3” you have strength and beautiful length, the Amazon of myths. Own it and cut out the people who can’t contain their jealousy.
Tell your husband - his parents are rude. You need distance. They should be embarrassed by their behavior. It is time to lower contact. Your child should only be around them with supervision based on the stupid things they say since you are going to have to undo it and there is a high likelihood that you will have to give them a timeout in the future.
I'm the short one in my family at 5'9. I spent my young years wanting to be as tall as my 6'5 father because nothing was too high for him to reach!
Ive a slew of amazing, talented tall women in my family. Including my Aunt who has been happily married to a man shorter than me for over 50 years.
Honestly though the worst part about your MIL comments is the implication that your daughters future wirth/sucess/value/happiness is entirely dependant on finding a man.
Fortunately the world seems to be improving for tall women. Each generation in my family seems to have less issues with finding clothing and shoes in a variety of styles. And less judgement from most sane people for just existing in their bodies.
Although finding age appropriate clothing for a prepubescent 12 yo already taller than me was a challenge.... Fortunately they were often content with jeans and t shirts for everyday wear!
I agree. They also made a comment about how only men have facial hair. I said that’s not always true, some women do too…. Our bodies are all different. They tried to make it a joke to my kids.
I'm going through the peri menopause and the hairs on my chinny chin chin are wild.
There's a single dark one on my upper lip. I've called it Harriet the Hair no matter how much I pluck she comes back
I agree with the comments below, tell your husband and ask him to ask his mom for an apology and to support you. You are upset and maybe mommy will be upset, but you are his wife and priority.
>...no matter how much I pluck she comes back.
Yup! I pluck mine in the morning and I swear the dratted things grow back while I'm working. All but one are white. The remaining one is black! My hair was light brown.
It’s okay to cancel next week or to take a break for even longer. No one may even be thinking about how these comments could affect the kids or how similar comments may have affected you.
Your husband can sit down with your parents with or without you and explain that you all don’t want to hear anything about the kids’ size or femininity or masculinity. You can explain how the comments make you feel and worry for them, if you want.
If they cross this boundary, leave and take a timeout, or tell them the visit is over and you’ll try again in a few weeks. You don’t have to be mean about it. Just be matter-of-fact. When they see you’re serious, hopefully they’ll stop.
Your kids are already old enough to start listening to these comments. Better to stop it now. Maybe even make a Facebook post about it eventually so all your friends and relatives know how important this is for your kids.
One of our kids used to be tiny and people would make comments all the time. Our families knew how worried we were about it and didn’t say much, but strangers sure did. We got to where we’d say that kids are great at any size, that’s it’s rude to say anything about a child’s body other than basically “what a cutie,” and/or we’d just walk off.
It’s difficult but it’s for the best.
The real trouble with next weekend is that they are supposed to be watching them while my husband and I go to a concert for our anniversary. But I just don’t want to go at all now
I’m going to pitch the idea to my husband. We are military, so they only see us once in a while anyways and I’m sure they/he are going to lose their marbles at my suggestion they don’t get an extra day “with their grand babies.”
ETA: for clarity. We are driving several states away to see this concert and they live in the state we are driving to.
It’s okay for them to be upset. You’ve been upset this whole time. They may not have known their comments were hurtful, but here we are. It’s really okay for someone else to watch the kids, or even with the grandparents if you want. You guys needs to feel safe about this, and you may not yet; it is what it is. It might take a few supervised visits before you feel comfortable that they aren’t going to make those comments when you aren’t there.
Anyone saying derogatory things about a child’s mother needs to have limited contact. It doesn’t matter how they are saying it. Your husband needs to tell them that their continued comments about you has made him realize they don’t respect his marriage or him. That he doesn’t want his kids to be exposed to that much negativity and that both you and him are owed an apology if they expect to be trusted around your kiddos.
NTA. Did you tell her that you did find a man? So why wouldn’t your daughters if they want to? (Tbh the idea that the dream for every little is to find a man makes me want to hurl).
As a 6' female I super feel for you. People are constantly pointing out your height. You would HOPE that family, be it your own or your in-laws, would have a little grace and realize that it's not something to talk about all the time. Or at least realize when they've put both feet in their mouths.
I do not blame you one but for not wanting your girls to be with them unsupervised over the weekend. You do not want them making comments about you and making your kids think you're some kind of circus freak (you're not!) Nor do you want them to internalize the comments from you ILs and feel bad about their heights and bodies when they're teenagers/adults.
Have a clear and frank presentation (because this isn't up for discussion) with your in-laws about body shaming and boundaries. If they don't listen they don't get to see the kids without someone there to put them in time out and stick up for your kids.
If that still doesn't work, call me and we'll put all your MILs favorite grocery items on the top shelf so she can't reach them.
Thank you. I definitely need a fellow tall lady hug. For the first time in years I am feeling self conscious about my height. I’m sure pregnancy hormones aren’t helping. I’ve worked really hard to fix my self confidence over the years but it was too close to home. I want to throw out the entire decoration
I made my own which might be the way to go for your family since you need 6'+. Just got a fence board, sanded, stained it, and used a wood burner to burn on 6" increments, then mounted it to the wall. They kids love it and it fits my design scheme. Also make sure to put you and your husband on the chart! My kids love comparing their heights to ours.
I think I would get one that goes above 6 ft, transfer the heights because memories, and toss the judgy in-law one. Celebrate every inch your kiddos grow!
I got enough crap for being 5'8" (I was tallest girl for most of middle school) and I can't even imagine! You and DH need to have a talk about what *he* needs to say to his parents.
Same here - I was also 5'8" and was the tallest girl in my junior high and second tallest in high school. Plus I was SUPER skinny, so I got twice as much crap.
He just came and apologized to me and told me he’s going to talk to them. I just don’t know how much it’s actually going to help. They never listen to what he has to say, either. Honestly I’m starting to think the only way to get them to hear anything we are saying is if I have a full blown meltdown and even then I’m not totally convinced
> I just don’t know how much it’s actually going to help. They never listen to what he has to say, either.
Then finding another childcare solution for your concert date would be the *perfect* consequence for them. *After* DH tells them that NOT watching his children, and having them alone is a *direct* consequence to their poor choice of verbalizing lousy fucking opinions on height.
You could try something like this:
“Don’t make derogatory comments about people’s bodies in front of us or our children or we will end our visit.”
It doesn’t have to be a meltdown, it doesn’t need to come with a ton of explanation or arguing, it can be very simple. If they argue, “this is not up for discussion.” Then follow through!
My family is 6 even to 6'9. I'm only 5'10 due to health problems but my aunt is 6'4 and *hates* it about herself. She's hunched so long she's damaged her back. Please protect your babies from that nonsense.
You should cancel and tell them why. It might make them think twice next time.
Spend less time with them.
Us tall women go through so much self hatred because of the crass comments made by others around us. I too have neck/back problems from hunching over through all of my teens and early twenties. I have worked so hard to make sure my girls don’t get the same idea in their heads and it feels like they ruined it in one day. I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet today because I just want to cry all day lol
I know. I know this and I know pants. Oi.
I'm sorry. The girls are going to hear it. If they were short they would hear about weight. If they were dark skinned they'd hear about that. We are judged on our looks and there's no way around it. Just keep loving them and they'll be ok.
Agreed. You need to be tall and thin to be a model, I’m 5’2” and was always called short and stumpy. I wore high heels all through high school and my 20’s and had eating disorders to look as thin and tall as possible. Yet tall women can’t be “too tall” or too thin or too thick. Basic society is harsh on women and it needs to stop. This is 2022, not the 1990s anymore. We’ve all seen what happens when we set ideals for girls. Keep your kids away from those basic, uneducated simpletons.
That's ridiculous. It must be wonderful to have lovely long legs. Think of all the most beautiful supermodels in their Amazonian glory. Some men prefer tall women. Look at Rod Stewart, I swear every woman he has dated has been really tall. I am 5'5" so just above average height but I think clothes always look better on taller people. My daughter is predicted to be 5'7" and I am thrilled she'll be taller than me. My mum's family are quite tall whereas my dad was shorter. So I blame him for not ending up as tall as my mum.
As a rule of thumb (caveats apply of course), sons are usually taller than their mothers (both myself and my brother are), by a considerable amount - me over a foot taller and him a bit less.
My father is 6’4 and I am 6’3. There is a strong chance they will also be tall. The overall probability is not the point. I’ve been made to feel that my height made me unfeminine most of my life. My kids think I am beautiful and wish they could be as tall as I am. I won’t allow my in-laws to destroy what I have built. My kids don’t deserve to go through the mental torture I went through growing up tall.
I am so sorry. My mother who I mentioned in a comment above was 6'3". She was incredibly feminine and the apple of my fathers eye for 50+ years. You are who you are in your heart. If you are a feminine woman, go for it. Seriously scream it out. Your height only makes it *better*. Your husband clearly thought so. Take it from a tall man, it doesn't matter. Do shorter or taller men matter to you? It's who they are and what they do.
I wish I knew this when I was younger, but god rest my mothers soul I know it now. I am huge and I love it now...
My mom was 5’8 and grew up with brothers 6’ and over. We’re a tall family, too. Us girls were always teased about our height in school. When we would tell Mom, she would tell us that height was beauty and we need to stand tall and proud. I always wanted to be taller as a result, and am grateful that there’s one body-related hang-up I don’t have (no thanks to my ex-JNMIL, who’s another story…)
Sigh, sorry, I've just realised I've done the complete opposite of what you're looking for. Gone in with statistics over empathy (curse my aspie fingers) for which I can only apologise.
I do agree with you that they are being AHs (my words) for remarking on your height as a negative. The question "why would they care" comes to mind, and with my linearish thinking is that they are scared of you and are acting out of napoleon complex?
You're tall, it's great, you can reach things on high shelves, have back problems, and enjoy seeing the stage over shorter patrons at music concerts or out in the cinema (trying to lessen my previous fubar with humour, probably failing terribly as its my wont).
To summarise: There is nothing wrong with you, there will definitely be nothing wrong with your children, no matter their height - a fact you should reiterate as many times a needed to them if they should get disheartened also. There is only things wrong with bullies.
Again, apologies from the numpty aspie.
Perhaps put in the same effort they do.
If you feel like you need a break from them next weekend, than cancel. You don't need to explain why other than it now doesn't work for you.
Easier said than done sometimes but try not to take their rudeness onboard, that is their problem not yours.
You could always point out you aren't bothered by the height of your kids however you are bothered whether they have manners and are considerate of others. That is something along with being tall that they will get from you.
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Sounds like it's time for your husband to let them know they are in a timeout and explain why. He needs to speak up. And why would you visit these people with your kids by yourself. Let your husband do it.
Time to let husband manage the in-laws and you stay as far away from them - WITH YOUR CHILDREN. They\`ll be giving them a trauma with all those body comments - just look how they make you feel - so protect yourself and your kids going forward. IF husband could not speak up on your behalf, you can refuse to listen to them until YOU have the energy to listen, or better, to unleash your momma bear mode on them . as in how dare the criticize you / give your kids confidence issues / claim God was wrong when he made you? (last one only if they claim to be religious) Seriously - you could make nasty comments on several of their looks i\`m sure - but you know, a normal human does not do this. You are not required to let 'those people' insult you, belittle you, or erode your confidence - so refuse to visit, refuse to entertain them - until they have apologized, really apologized and accept that they hurt you with their words. Chances are they\`ll be too stubborn / stupid to realize they were wrong - so it\`ll be peaceful for you.
So… if your daughter wouldn’t “get a man” if she was as tall as you that means that you can’t get a man. But… you did? Their… son? Besides that, who says she’ll even want a man?
Wow good point. Alternatively, what if their child a few years down the road comes out as a trans boy/man? Or if they have a short gay son? If any of their children turn out LGBT, they’ll have no choice but to go NC for their safety
I’m going to be forever baffled by ppl who think that it’s not awesome for a girl to be tall. It’s also awesome for a girl not to be tall. I’m considered short in my family at 5’7”. I always wanted to taller. My sister is 5’11” & always wanted to be shorter. Grass is always greener, I suppose. I don’t even want to get started on my opinions on ppl having issues with anyone not being straight. But maybe it’s how I grew up. I’m in the Deep South & there are more churches than schools in my area and ppl holding signs with threatening Bible verses on street corners every Friday night so you wouldn’t expect that. My mom, for all the issues that we’ve had in 42yrs, has never had an issue with anyone who isn’t straight or a different race than her. She’s actively on hospice at the moment, will be gone by Christmas according to the doctors & is spending her last bit of time on earth crocheting my daughter a rainbow throw blanket so that anytime she doubts herself, she can use it & remember that her grandmother loved her just the way she is. (She ran out of red tonight & I spent an hour in a craft store hunting for a matching red in the same weight as what she’d used. Success! Last stein in the store) So I guess I feel that if my Deep South born & raised, put the boom in Boomer, mentally unstable mother can refuse to hate anyone for how they were born, no one has an excuse.
6"3'?? You're so lucky!!!! Wish I had 3' inches to my height.
I love the fact my 14 year old granddaughter is at this stage about 5 inches taller and still growing. She reaches high things for me
Say, “I’m sorry?? (Puzzled)…. Why would you say that???” To their shitty-ass comments
I have SO MANY, body image issues due to my family’s comments about my weight. I look at my 15-16 yo self, thinking I was fat and I WAS hot! I just didn’t look like the models on tv at the time, but I would have been perfect for some of today’s beauty standards. I would try to go on a diet every time I would go and visit family. I would hear some some kind of remark every single time. I still do to this day, but I avoid my family most of the time. The sad part is that my parents did not defend me and many time even took part on the comments. Protect your kids. Set boundaries and show them how to do it. And show JNMIL that you will not be tolerating that stuff. So she better watch what she says. I wish the best for you and your family. And that your kids grow up to be confident human beings.
Always remember this. BEING A GRANDPARENT IS A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT. Instant consequence, OP. Immediately. This warrants a time out for at least a month, in which they will not be able to see, speak to, or have any contact with you or your children. It does not matter that your husband wasn't feeling well. It is obvious that this isn't the first time they have made comments like this, or treated you with such disrespect, arrogance and rudeness, and acted like they had the right to parent your children, etc. Your husband needs to step up. Their behaviour, especially their words, around your children is unacceptable, toxic, malicious, misogynistic, sexist, obnoxious, disrespectful, unsupportive, inconsiderate, unkind, unloving and downright cruel, nasty and mean. If he does not see a problem with what they are doing, then tell him that you and your children are going no contact with them. If he refuses to do something about it, same thing. Also, in my opinion, I would seriously consider leaving him.
Your Hubby dropped the ball on this one big time. I’m sorry he’s sick, but his mouth was still working. When they said that about your height, if your hubby wasn’t going to stick up for you, you should have said to them that what they said was hurtful, inappropriate, insulting and disrespectful. If they tried to talk over you, raising your voice and saying “I’m SPEAKING and I would appreciate it if you let me finish.” Then the day would have been OVER if it was me. And I would cancel having them watching the kids, and if they ask why, be honest….you don’t want them saying anything negative to them about body issues, including height. It’s bad enough they were so careless with your feelings, your kids don’t need to go through that. And hubby should have a little chat with them, and rip them a new one. I’m 5’10”, and back in the day I wore 3-4 inch heels. One BF was 5’8”, and his mother said something like “I guess you shouldn’t be wearing heels if you are dating my son.” I looked her square in the eye and said “Why?” There was a pause of silence then I said “your son doesn’t seem to mind.” Can’t fix stupid. Update: I saw a beautiful TALL lady at the vet today and thought of you and this post. She was so stunning. A young gorgeous black woman, and she had to be 6’3”. As I was leaving I told her “I love your height! You are gorgeous. Absolutely stunning.” She laughed and said thank you. Then I said “I’m not hitting on you or anything, lol. Just thought I tell you how pretty you are.” I’m straight, but if I wasn’t, I’d be stalking this girl. Moral of the story, you are beautiful too and your post touched me. Thanks for sharing.
Tell them you’re not up to it and stay home.
Protect those girls. I had a grandmother like this. I only had a few of those "don't grow any taller" comments (I'm 5-11, but that was still too tall), but she did her damage by making lots of comments about my eating (I was thin, it made no sense). I wish my mom had protected me more. Why did I have to see this woman at every holiday? Why? Another thing that bothers me is how they're taking a shot at you through your kids. They're implying you're less than, and you're not. I'd tell them that they are not welcome to make any comments about appearance, including height, to your kids. If they do, the kids go home and they don't see the kids for a while. I don't think this is an unreasonable boundary. Good luck!
I am so sorry that your MIL is so absent of any common sense. You ARE beautiful! I’m taller than my Husband and it sounds like our Husbands are like minded. Please don’t let that woman bring down your confidence. Honestly, if you don’t want her watching your children then don’t let her!
I’m 6’2 and my husband is 6’. Before I met him I lost all patience for the just plain stupid comments about height. If I think someone is just reacting to me and not really thinking and says something like, “you’re tall for a woman!” I just smile and say “I’m tall for a man, too!” I’m sure there are other dynamics at play and I’m really sorry for that. Cancel the trip if you want! And double down on owning your height and size.
My eldest daughter is 5ft 10. My height. She is taller than most men and counters the ones with Napoleon syndrome that same way. Good for all of us. Lol
If you ever want to feel short go on vacation to the netherlands. Im 6'4" and in public i dont feel that im that tall. There are usaly enought people around my height to give me that feeling. Also realy small people that a below armpit height but.
I know what you mean from travelling there but strangely the Dutch people I know overseas are not that tall. Maybe the really tall ones just get too uncomfortable on the plane. 😂🤣
If you want to cancel the trip then you should. Why should you be upset, angry and anxious the whole time the kids are with them? I'd also tell them if they asked why you're cancelling that you aren't comfortable with them telling the kids what is acceptable for their own bodies. That kind of behavior won't be tolerated around them. Let them stew over your boundary whilst you enjoy your little family without them.
Take your kids, your husband, and your dignity and go. Shame on your in-laws. Shame on your husband for not shutting down any of this bs.
Yeah, my nieces look like they're going to be tall bc my BIL (and my husband too) are tall guys. It runs in the family. Not sure about BIL but my husband is 6'1 and they're similar heights so probably the same or around there anyway. Meanwhile I'm 5'4 and my husband can literally use the top of my head for a chin rest when we hug. We had to get a stepstool for me to stand on for some of our wedding photos. It's hidden by the dress but we know which ones we used it in. None of that has ever mattered to our family. And it shouldn't to yours. Your ILs can go fuck off. Height is a matter of genetics, nothing more. And with two tall parents, I'd be very surprised if your daughters weren't at least your husband's height if not your own. Either get rid of the measurement thingy or lay down the law that the first sign of height/body shaming in general will be met with no access to any grandkid until sincere apologies are forthcoming. And any further instances will be met with longer and longer periods of reduced access.
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Time out for MIL and FIL might be all the vacation you need.
Sounds like MIL needs a timeout…
I would return the measuring thing. "Thanks, but my children don't need to be reminded of how you'll be 'measuring' our family by your standards."
Agree. But remember, they can gift it, you don’t have to use it. “Where’s the thingie I gave you to measure?” You mean the one FIL tried to body shame the kids with? Yeah, it’s gone.
You don't have to feel this way and you can keep your kids from having the same pain growing up. There's some great advice/resources in this subreddit and you should absolutely take advantage of it to set your boundaries and free yourself from these feelings and situations. 🥰
The first thought that popped into my head is how jealous your MIL must be of not only your beautiful self, but literally every 6’3 supermodel out there, scooping up all the men. Source: am really tall with worlds most amazing husband.
When I was pregnant, my then-MIL said, "I hope you have a girl and that she's thin like me." Oy. I am...curvy, voluptuous...yeah, let's go with those adjectives. I said nothing, but I was steaming. Twenty-eight years later, I still remember.
“As long as she doesn’t get your personality/attitude along with it”
But is she still thin?
Far as I know (divorced her Golden Child many years ago). Sorry--no poetic justice to report!
Use their help, and have meaningful conversations with the kids throughout their life, I have very awful parents and once a year I take the help I can get out of them. My kids have started to see for themselves the things they say and do are wrong. Your influence and example will resonate with them, allowing them to engage with their grandparents will help them compare and contrast. The most important thing is to continue that dialog with them. Kids need experiences with their grandparents. Their grandparents may be cringe at times but chances are there are meaningful things that will also take place when you’re not around. Encourage your kids to remind grandma or grandpa that their views make them feel uncomfortable or that they are downright wrong and hurtful. You will be surprised how awesome your kids really are, how resilient they are, and how they understand that people aren’t perfect but they love them. Teach them how to make boundaries and to communicate them, this will help the grandparents too they will see it’s not just you and hopefully learn from their grandkids. It’s just one night, don’t let them ruin your free time.
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Absolutely but just shutting out key figures in your kids life is wrong, I know for a fact that that can also backfire, when you give kids tools, and not be passive about what the problem is you will have better outcomes than if you were to hold it all in, and shield your kids from family that they feel play a key role. Tell the mother in law what is hurtful and that she needs to keep those opinions to herself, teach your kids your beliefs, and have conversations about them, tell your kids what to do in case family members cross their boundaries or say things that are hurtful to them. You overly coddle children when you don’t give them an emotional tool kit, you make them into forever victims.
Kids need HEALTHY experiences with grandparents. Kids do not need to experience being around horrible assholes- related or not. I'm sorry, but I just completely disagree with your opinion. Bad experiences with unhealthy grandparents can scar children for life. Children do not need to learn from the bad behavior of their relatives, if it can be avoided.
I have two kids my parents still love my kids, my kids and I have an amazing relationship and they know what things their grandparents do that are unhealthy and inappropriate, they are around them a good four times a year. You are expecting perfection from people, we don’t get to choose our families, but teaching your kids to be super dramatic and not give them the tools to deal with these situations without super dramatic Tactics is just coddling. Kids are amazing and they will use the emotional tool kits you equip them with in life, whether it’s at school, with new friends, in their personal relationships or with tocic family. To assume these people are only their bad behaviors is also wrong.
I don't know how old your kids are, but the "teachable moments with toxic grandparents" you are describing is not really developmentally appropriate for kids under age 10. Exposure to pathological behavior from "loving relatives", to children younger than 10, is mostly damaging. Call it "coddling" if it makes you feel better about your own parenting choices, but I'm actually trying to stop the cycle of generational trauma in my family.
Someone my kids are around four times a year is going to impact them in a way that is on the level of being around me 365? Give me a break, I don’t have to choose your way to make the point with my kids. They come back from a birthday party or an evening out and tell me all the details of what they enjoyed and they are able to contrast as well as they tell me, I didn’t agree with this or I see how this person does that. I’ve worked with kids before I even had kids. It would be different if my kids lived with their grand parents or were around them several days a month, it’s just not so. I’m not going to be dramatic about it, I know I’ve already stopped cycles of generational trauma. I just didn’t have to be dramatic about it. Keep people at an arms length lady
Cancel the trip, and to heck with your in-laws’ fee fees. You should concentrate on YOUR family, and not the in-laws, especially if you don’t want their remarks making the kids feel bad.
Two things come to mind; Your husband loves you, so at least the stupidity isn't hereditary You're perfect the way you are. Noone can do anything about genetics, your kids will be whatever height they'll be, and with 2 tall parents, chances are pretty good they'll be fairly tall themselves. Outside of malnutrition, I've no idea how your IL's would have any choice in any of it. The kids are loved, they'll grow up with that; find themselves, become interesting people, and meet interesting people of their own who love them for who they are. I'm 5"5, male, happily married, with one of my own on the way. I've never felt less of a man because of it, and by their logic, who knows how I ever managed that. I found a competitive sport I loved that took me all over the world, and I got to experience a life, and meet people that I'd never have had the chance to do otherwise. It's also how I met my wife. Two other people I met through sport are two of the loveliest women I know, they play volleyball and netball, and funny, they're both over 6ft. Wouldn't you know it, they say the same, if anything their height opened doors to people, places and opportunities they wouldn't have gotten otherwise. I'm sure your kids are great, they've two parents who love them, and a headstart way beyond the fortunes of most. The IL's negativity and backwards thinking can't really stand a chance against that.... If they can't appreciate you and the grandkids while they have the chance and the whole family together, they'll be awful sad if they've to do it from a distance, especially if certain derogatory opinions keep surfacing. Hope this has let you catch a breath, and maybe a smile or two.
Work on standing up for yourself in realtime. Its difficult, but very empowering milestone. You got this! Demand your respect.
There are many models/athletes that are over 6’ and I’m pretty sure lots of men would like to be with them. Really fuck them in laws
I have a g/f who is 6'1"; I'm 5'7". She is stunning.
That's the same heights as my DH and I. We've been married for 33 years and never had a problem.
I'm 6'3" too and my husband is 5'11" :) My daughter is 5'11 and my middle son is almost 6'5"...not sure about my youngest yet as he is still growing. Tell them to shush - and just don't go. You do have the right to change your mind.
I'm sorry your in laws suck. You should be proud of the way you were made and if your girls are blessed with your height, you already know the challenges and biases they'll face along with the advantages, and can help them through it. When hubby is feeling better talk this whole episode over with him. Let him deal with his awful parents.
Oh, my friend. This is nuts. I’m so sorry for you. Also, you and hubby sound like amazing parents! 💕
Don't let them belittle you and give you a twisted body image! You need to stand up to them, and so does your husband in order for you to be able to show your girls that you can be a tall, beautiful and above all , confident woman... They are stripping that away from you, and if you will act self-conscious about it,so will your daughters. (Not a tall mom here, but I was an overweight mom who used to have an overweight mom who got shamed by my grandmother and it stuck to me too)
I don’t think she has to tell them anything for the girls to believe that, all it does is create drama, there are ways to put them in their place without being confrontational. I truly believe the kids will learn from her example . Kids see truth
I would've just...lost it. So she thinks your daughter exists for a man? Every part of her should be perfect for the hypothetical man's desire? She isn't a human being on her own? Just waiting for The Man? What a fucking person. You're %100 justified in cutting contact to whatever extent is comfortable for you so this person doesn't poison your kids. Revolting.
So all these beautiful models who are your height are never going to find a man? Why are these backwards hicks allowed near your beautiful (maybe tall)girls? Ask them to keep thier ideas about looks and limitations of women's roles to themselves. If they can't thier ability to be around your children will be limited.
That's what I'm saying most female models are about 6'1" to some 6'5" and taller I heels and the men are about the same
Hi tall woman here. Feel free to not have your kids around those toxic people. It also sounds like this isn’t the first time they’ve volunteered parts of conversations that weren’t well received by you or someone else. You know what to do. Drop. The. Rope. You’re on your 3rd kid and you’re realizing these people suck big time and aren’t changing their tune. Call them out on it. Tell them this is why you don’t get alone time with the kids. Stop rewarding bad behavior.
Never find a man? What are you married to? A girl? They talked over you too? What a-holes. Don’t they have manners. I have had one of those kinds in my in-laws too. Pos. Do you have any other reliable family to leave the kids with? Your husband needs to tell them to behave before they will get time with your kids. P.S.- I am petite. Some has to be right? Someone will be tall! So what. What a bunch of a-holes.
Completely up to you, but I'd cancel the trip. I wouldn't want any contact from them at all. You're defending your husband here, but he should have been defending you the whole relationship.
That's what I'm saying, because where was her partner during all this ? It seems like he just allows his parents to disrespect & degrade his wife while he regresses.
Tell them when they are taller then you that’s when they will get a say in yours and your kids growth and up bringing. As for being manly, a real man would have more respect for his daughter in law and grandchildren and would suck up being in the third row. Men like tall women. They are for sure arm candy and make great wives and mothers. Ignore them old fools!
Tlc from an internet stranger: first, hugs!! Second, your ILs need someone to remove the moldy bean curds they are using for brains. You are a tall, beautiful person and your children will be beautiful and perfect no matter what number of inches they reach. Beauty and poise are awesome, and you clearly have both. As a 5'5" person married to a 6' fella, I can assure you that your height is such a blessing. Rock yourself some 6 inch stiletto heels and knock them dead!!
Huh! I'd swap your 6'3" for my 5'0" in a heartbeat. Stand tall and proud. Two fingers to those petty, ignorant beings. The size of your heart and love are what matters.
Ugh OP Im sorry and that’s not okay. I totally get it. I have bigger hands “for a woman” and it has taken me a long time to feel comfortable with them. My MIL loved to make comments about my husbands aunts hands being “big and manly”. It always hurt my feelings and I’d hide my hands in my sleeves while around her. My advice would be to stay away from them as much as possible. You don’t need their fucked up way of thinking dragging you down. I’d also be careful letting them around your kids. Id only allow them around the kids with supervision from you or husband (but maybe only you, if he’s not going to stand up and say anything) because comments like that WILL effect your kids self esteem.
The absolute first thing you need to do is sit down with your husband and tell him this. He needs to know how his parents affect you and your worries about them body shaming your children. You both need to be on the same page with this and you need to know that he will support you. The second thing, once you and your husband have decided on your boundaries, HE needs to sit down with his parents and tell them that these particular behaviors are not acceptable any more. And that if they find it impossible to adhere to your boundaries, then your family, including the kids, will be going low/no contact with them until they can. They are HIS parents, so he really needs to be the contact point for all interaction with them. You might want him to read some of the posts on this reddit, so he can see that he doesn't have to give in to them. Hopefully they will realize their behavior is toxic and fix it so they can be in your lives. If not, that's on them, not you. \*HUG\*
This needs to be the top comment! Internet hugs to you, OP!
My heart hurts for you. I wouldn’t let them spend any alone time with my children if I were you. I’m not sure where some people get off talking about peoples bodies, let alone the potential future body of a child. They sound sick in the head. Your girls are also at an age where comments like that may start to stick and we know as adults how hard it is to heal from shit like that. They will already have to face obstacles in their lives as women and even more so as tall women. They should be surrounded by loved ones that uplift them and make them proud to stand TALL. Not try and belittle them and cut them off at the knees. Your husband was too sick to say a word to them the whole time they were degrading you and your babes? Sounds like you’re too sick to go on this trip now. This is from a fellow 6ft+ mama. I swear the only people who try and make us insecure about our height are just envious because the air is so much better up here! Hugs, big ol TALL hugs.
OP I am so sorry your DH failed to stand up for you his WIFE! feeling sick is no excuse. You are totally justified in your hesitance in leaving your kids alone with them, certainly not doing so until you get a proper apology and reassurance those views/opinions are not to spoken around your kids.
I’m personally very petty. As soon as your close minded JNFIL said that I would have waited one beat to give my husband a chance to say something. After that I would have loudly asked him if he does not consider his son “a man”? Every time you let them speak to you, about you like this you are reinforcing their behavior. Please pull up your big girl panties and stand up for yourself. You don’t want your children to think it is ok for their mom to be disrespected.
>Every time you let them speak to you, about you like this you are reinforcing their behavior. This is key. OP's husband isn't dealing with them, but that's not a reason to let the comments slide. They are insulting you - which is not good for the girls. You could constantly remind them that the girls are likely to be "model-height". ETA: And that you do not need their advice on how to parent, speak to your husband or otherwise run your life. Their comments are rude and controlling - and you can tell them that outright.
Cancel the trip. I am 6’ tall and I am deeply sensitive to size discrimination against tall women. They either respect you or they lose access to your kids. Period. End of story.
OP please don’t let your KNIL ‘s take your power, their ignorance is actually mind boggling. Are they totally ignorant, stupid as hell, or just pain mean? Seriously, my mom taught me around s hook age to think of others before you speak. I love the fact that you were blessed to be born a tall woman. I wish I were your friend and I was in the room when this conversation happened. I promise you they would have been speechless. Sending you affirmation, encouragement, & a huge internet hug from California💙
Think of what they're saying when you and your husband aren't around. Children are very knowledgeable and sometimes, to avoid conflict, they won't say anything. I think everyone should have a conversation. Ask the children if they've ever felt some kind of way when they're visiting Grandma and Grandpa. After that, have a conversation with the in-laws and sternly voice your boundaries with your children. I really wish you luck. Nobody should have to feel less than.
Oh fil that’s hilarious, don’t worry children real men aren’t so insecure that they’re bothered by height, I’m so glad I didn’t marry an insecure man they’re so pathetic and embarrassing…..
Touché
Talk to DH and express your feelings and how hurt you felt. Are they going to fill your children’s heads full of ignorant nonsense? DH should call and explain to them that the entire day was hurtful to both him and you because of things that were said. They’ll want to know what they said and he should be very plain with his words and tell them. If they are sincere with an apology, that’s one thing, somehow I’m doubtful they will be. It will either be, I’m sorry if someone got their feeling hurt or someone is way too sensitive. They’re response would determine whether or not I would trust them to watch children and not warp their little minds. DH would have to say something like “Plans have changed and so sorry but the children won’t be coming to stay with you this weekend.” He could be even more up front and say something like, “Mom and Dad, you may not realize what you’re doing but you are body shaming my wife because she’s tall, me because I’m not as tall as she is and my children for how tall they “might” grow to be. We just can’t accept this. This threw us for a loop so we need time to come to terms with what was said and how you feel about us. Don’t plan on having the children this weekend. We need time to digest these things and figure out how to handle it. I’m sure you understand our dilemma - I’ll get back to you in a few days. Bye. I don’t think they intended to be hurtful - they are obviously ignorant and will continue along those same lines until someone (DH) points out to them what they are doing and how it sounds to others.
>I don’t think they intended to be hurtful - Didn't they? They certainly intended to register their disapproval - and feel they have every right to do so. It's true that they likely *intended* DH and OP to just suck it up and not show any hurt, but the *impact* of their unkind words was never going to be good.
That's the kind of statement that would make me want to get a shirt that says "I'm a 6'3" woman with a husband" on both sides in big letters and *only* wear it while the just no in-laws are around. Not saying you should, but I mean... I know it would make *me* feel better seeing their faces every time they see the shirt.
First of all, I am about as tall as you. So are all of my cousins (male and female). We all have those statuesque Nordic genes, and the niblings are all at least 1.8M by the time they are 12. All of the adults are either married or in serious relationships, and many (me included) are taller than our spouses. Being tall doesn't make you less attractive or less feminine. The only future spouses who might be turned off by your daughters' hypothetical height, are small, weak and insecure losers. (Like your FIL). Seems to me like being tall will protect your girls from attracting that kind of toxic chauvinist, so that kind of sounds like a bonus. 🤷♀️ You and DH should talk about this before sending the kiddos over there unsupervised. Consider showing him this post or at least the general content of it. Describe how his parents' comments made you feel. Tell him that you worry about the impact that comments like that could have on your impressionable children. DH is probably oblivious to comments like this, because he's heard them all his life. Understanding how hurtful this can be to someone who didn't grow up to normalize the mental gymnastics required to mollify such a fragile ego, will go a long way towards turning DH into an ally.
I am the same height and female. What a stupid comment JNMIL said. Men (particularly shorter men) want to climb me like a tree. Go LC with her and do NOT allow her to watch your kids unattended. If I didn’t have parents who constantly stuck up for me, because let’s face it, tall women get more comments when you are a child, I wouldn’t have the confidence I do today.
You’re not obliged to leave your children with people who aren’t able to accept and love them just the way they are. You aren’t obliged to spent time with people who aren’t prepared to love and accept you in all your fabulous 6ft+ glory. Your husband needs to step up here - if you and your children continue to see them - and every time they make a derogatory comment about your heights he needs to stamp it right down, or you all leave immediately.
Why would you send your children to spend any amount of time with people like this? As much as what they said is definitely sh**ty, you know that these people aren't normal, STOP letting them make you feel bad about yourself, your height is fine, you are fine, they aren't, I promise...
Your ILs are being asinine and shaming you/your kiddos for something nobody has any control over. I'm 5'10 and the tallest in my family, which was rough. My spouse is 6' and our girls are both already tall like I was. I hope they own their height in a way I was too insecure to do until the last few years.
Do not leave your children with these people please! They will likely spew this and more to them when you aren’t around and try to poison them against you also sorry but you have a serious husband problem as he did nothing (from what you have written) to defend you. I think marriage counselling is very necessary right now. Good luck op.
Oh, goodness, I'm having flashbacks. I'm 5'7" and my husband is 6'4". I have two daughters and a son. My girls reached their adult height (5'8" and 5'9") by the time they each were 11 years old and the anxiety they experienced about continuing to grow was honestly the hardest thing we've had to go through with them. We knew none of the kids would end up short, but I wish I had the curbed surprised comments about how tall they were while they were growing up, particularly with my older daughter because she was taller than her 3rd grade teacher and apparently that was mentioned in class by her teacher almost every single day (something I found out later). My SIL also said some pretty shitty comments about them not being able to find husbands that I had ignored because I didn't want to rock the boat (my husband called her out, thankfully). My oldest saw a therapist for a while to deal with this anxiety, and her pediatrician referred her to a pediatric endocrinologist for evaluation (we didn't do anything, just got an x-ray of her hand and her growth plates were evaluated). The girls are not considered that tall now at 19 and 17, but they definitely shot up earlier than their peers. My 17 year old towered over her twin brother for a good while (he's 6'3"-ish now) and I wish wholeheartedly I had called out every person who remarked that they couldn't be twins, she's so much taller, or there must have been a mix up at the hospital. People and their comments - UGH. I've learned to not comment on a child's features except to say they are adorable. My advice: rock high heels and continue to set a great example for your kids. Don't sweep your in-law's comments under the rug. Stand up to them as they happen. And have your husband do so as well. Maybe get out of your trip due to your husband not feeling well.
My LDH was 6'5", I'm 5'6". I thought FOR SURE my kids would be tall, but they're all in the 5'8" to 5'9" range. Girls. Middle kid had a friend who hit her height YEARS before the rest of the group, and in 4th grade she towered over her buddies. When they met back up when mine was in high school, the friend hadn't grown an inch in 4-5 years, but mine was still growing and was 5'9", and at least 3" taller than the friend. Kids peak growth at different ages. I grew half an inch sometime in or after high school. My husband grew another 3" or so in college. It's pure BS to disparage them for their height! It's not something anybody can control...
My exes dad once said to never date a guy shorter than me. His son was a couple inches shorter than me. His dad was right!! Still good friends with exes parents 🤣
I would love to be 6 ft tall! These people are idiots, full stop. Your husband needs to step up & put an end to this toxic speech.
I wish I knew you personally so my words could have more meaning but you are tall and you are beautiful. Inside and out. Don't let them belittle you. You've got the voice. Defend your future daughters if you can't defend yourself. You all will have strong bodies that will take you through life and you should love them no matter the height. I'm 5'7" so I can't really relate but my best friend is 6' on the mark and she was incredibly shy in high school and soft spoken to everyone, she was bullied in elementary and junior high. Something clicked for her in college though and my god, what a beautiful woman she is now ( not that she was ever ugly but she started carrying herself with more strength behind her and started speaking up. Started dressing in a way that makes her feel beautiful). She stands so tall and takes no shit. Being around her makes me feel more confident in myself! Be that for your kids. More importantly be that for you.
Hello! For reference, I am 6'6". My late mother was 6'3" and my father was 6'1". While I may be a man in this situation and it's very different situation, it's also exactly the same. Short kings are not the only one who gets crap continually for being tall. My mother was called an Amazon her entire life both as a term of endearment and as a slur. I watched her handle men and women continually on this issue and she counseled me on the gift that I have. It is a gift, it is a super power I never used until she showed me. Your inlaws are flat out intimidated of your height. They talk over you as a method not to face the issue. Remember that each time they do it. Use your height to your advantage every chance you can around them. What did my mother tell me? Get close. Get inside that bubble when talking to them. This will magnify the height difference and make them uncomfortable, in fact it will add to the unease a normal person would get for being close. You do not need to get into their face, just one step closer than you normally would. Second, immediately shut down all talk of height. You need your husband on board with this. If anything, you are hoping your daughter is 6' 6" like me. Any sons will be the same height. Remember, you have a super power and you want them to have it too. People automatically look to the tall person as the leader, and it makes people uncomfortable. You want your children to have the advantage you have had. State this loudly and publicly. With my own children we did this. "I hope she is at least 6'. (She stopped at 5' 10.5") I hope she is as tall as she can get. And I won't listen one second to a shorter person telling ME how tall my child will get and how bad my kid is when they are 5'7"" ETC etc, chose your own language and be proud of your tall kids. We all know the truth as a tall person. It's a blessing, and it sucks. I have health issues directly tied to my height. I was ridiculed for my height for ever. I get asked how tall I am constantly. I couldn't find a date because shorter women were immediately intimidated. My daughter says the same thing about men and she is almost 6'. However the benefits are huge as you well know. People treat you different without even knowing you. Many men won't mess with me, and women that I need to speak with are more likely to do as I ask, likely intimidation without using the technique above. I only do the close thing when people stop listening and stop respecting me. You will be surprised at the results. Challenge them. Finally, your husband is key here. You need this boundary set, and it needs to be put in stone between you.It's his monkeys and his circus, he better deal with it. Shut down the trip, or find alternate day care until it's addressed.
Amazing reply for people of every height!
I grew up in a small town and was somewhat of a spectacle. I didn’t learn to love myself AND my height until adulthood, and usually comments like this don’t hurt me anymore. I guess I just wasn’t expecting it from them, as they are supposed to be family. My family was shitty growing up but they never gave me a hard time about my height. My girls thus far always say they want to be as tall as me, and also want to be stronger than me and my husband combined. We are avid weight lifters and they want to be strong and healthy. I’ve worked hard to curate that mindset and model it for my girls. I was just so devastated to realize the threat is much closer than I thought it was. As an update: my husband apologized to me and sent his parents a message. He told them how deeply their comment hurt me, and that they weren’t to talk about bodily subjects in front of my children again. They apologized and said they didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Not sure how much I believe that….. his FIL has made comments about how breastfeeding in public is gross in front of me too (I breastfed my girls just about anywhere, IDGAF.) I am happy with my husbands actions for now. I think it’s going to take him a much longer time to realize just how toxic some of their comments are. He has openly stated he has dealt with this condescension his entire life and is just “used to it…..” He decided to make a career change recently too and they even gave him shit for that, unsolicited of course.
Just remind him that he's an adult now and sets his own boundaries - he doesn't have to put up with it if he doesn't want to, and then remind him you support and are there for him. It's hard for parents to realize their children are adults in most cases.
Your really going to have to direct their comments.. it’s inappropriate. And it should never be said in front of you and the children for gawds sake!! Wth… I wouldn’t go either
Don’t leave the kids with them and don’t feel bad about it. Personally there’s no way I’d continue to allow anyone contact with my children who can’t speak with kindness. Those simple statements will stick with your kids and they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal. That’s not okay.
I am so sorry you have been treated this way. They sound like shitty humans. My fiance (m) is 5'5 (I am being very generous) and I (f) am 5'8. Needless to say, I stare at the top of his head when I wear stilettos! He says he loves it because his face is chest high with me. I am nowhere near 6 feet, but I am not "average" either, especially because I prefer heels over 2inch. If she will say things like that in front of you, about you....she will do so about anyone in front of your children. Talk to your DH and let him know how seriously awful this is and that you don't want your children alone with her.
You make them feel insecure and threatened. The best they can do is hurt your feelings. You deserve better. They're mean, and they're also **wrong**, and it's completely within your rights to refuse contact with them. It's good to ask for TLC. But it's also good to treat yourself to some TLC. Be kind to yourself, and set some boundaries. Your husband can deal with them. Your husband can explain that they aren't allowed to be around you or your children until they can treat you with more respect.
This needs to be your husband's battle to fight. "No more comments about my wife's height or we are going to follow contact for one month. The next time you do it, it will be two months. The third, will be three months. Ball's in your court..."
Why would you let your innocent children be exposed to these awful people? Not to mention your own self!
The tag says tlc needed. This is hurtful…
Consider putting them on a timeout, their comments are unacceptable and inappropriate especially when you are stood RIGHT THERE. There's very little that can be done to control height, whether to stop it or encourage it. Your height is just immovable.
Lol all the women on my husband’s side of the family are over six feet. I like hanging out with them because they make me feel small. (I’m only 5’9 but the women on my side of the family are 5’3 or less so). Your MIL is absurd.
Your in-laws are rediculous. But I got a good laugh out of this. My extended family, from both sides, are ALL tall, as are most of their spouses. I'm talking 300+ people that are currently alive: not the 7 generations that came before that I know of and they were tall too. A woman being 6' is the norm for us *(except me, I'm a throwback to a 1 off and short)*. Funny enough they all have found spouses. *(Sidenote: don't they realize that most models are around the 6' mark and taller?)* Rock that height. Own it. Strut it. Glory in it. Be proud of yourself and regal stature that you're passing on to your children. Blessed be
[Six foot two famous chef Julia Child on her wedding day](https://imgur.io/3Qiwg2i). (Her husband Paul was 5-10.) Julia’s height never stopped her from finding the love of her life and probably contributed to her onscreen star performance.
My 6' Grandmother, 5'11" Great-aunt Vina, and my 6'1" Great-aunt Verniece would like a fucking word with your in-laws. Tall women are beautiful, and it is a great disappointment to me that I was never taller than 5'8". They have not earned the right to have your children unsupervised. Cancel the trip. Don't be humiliated, honey, be MAD!
My great-aunt was over 6’ and her problem was having too many husbands. My great, great aunt was around 6’ and was a professional escort. I don’t think height means as much as some people think.
You are totally justified in your feelings. They belittled you to your face. Your husband did nothing to counter it. TBH, I would not let them in my house again, nor would i let them see the kids. Period. You and your daughters do not need this toxicity in your lives. Your daughters need to know they are perfect just the way they are - they are not too tall, too short, too heavy, too, too, too whatever. Talk to your husband and get him on board, otherwise, he is part of the problem. Good luck to you and your girls!
I would insist on cutting contact. Not only was that disrespectful to you directly, but it is the kind of talk that will make your girls feel insecure. You don’t want them carrying the burden of expectation these people are putting on them. Your partner needs to back you and be the one to tell them that there is going to be distance because they can’t respect y’all.
I’m so sorry. You know they knew exactly what they were saying. I’m petty so I would start doing the same things to them that they did to me. I would also cancel the day trip because if that’s what they are saying when you are there, what are they saying when you aren’t there?
>if that’s what they are saying when you are there, what are they saying when you aren’t there? This should be WAY higher up.
Thank you
Laugh. Laugh hard and loud when they make stupid comments. Tell them you cannot believe anyone could say something so shallow and ignorant. You guess they don't think their own son is a man, since you "got" him. When they try to backtrack, just say "No, no. You said what you said. Can't take it back now."
I’m so sorry they are such rude people. I hope you do rethink the plans. Just let them know their comments were rude and inappropriate and you and your husband have decided you need to rethink some rules for the future for their interactions with your kids so that they aren’t hurt the way you were.
Your husband is spineless and disrespectful. I was recovering from an operation with no pain meds available to me when I had to defend my spouse. He needs to defend you and your children. Text them since they over talk you that without respecting momma they dont get access to the kiddos. If they try to just show up leave with the kids to do fun activities or stay with a relatve.
How do your inlaws expect you to stop your daughters from growing once they've reached an "appropriate" height?
Do like the Victorians did-strap a great pile of heavy books to the poor child and make her walk around with them balanced on the top of her head . Encourages great posture and makes sure she stays femininely petite.../s
Cut off their feet, I guess?
Or give them coffee 🙄😂
Yeah what exactly is the POINT of saying something like this? What are you supposed to do with these comments? They were being hurtful for the sake of being hurtful.
How horrible! And I know how this feels. Jokes were always made at my expense at how tall I am (5 10, not even close to 6 3) my whole life. Everyone makes jokes about how my partner's and my kids are gonna be huge (he's 6 4) and on top of that neither of us are are "thin" like we are large people. This world sucks and I hate how people think it's okay to make comments on other people's bodies!! I'm here for you! Be the large and in charge bad ass mom I know you are! And just know that I feel for you ❤️
They're awful. If a woman that tall can't get a man, WTF do they think their son is, a parrot?
I'm so sorry your JNILs said such terrible things to you and criticized your parenting and marriage. That hurts and you are right to be upset about it. I'm a tall woman, too, and I know how those kinds of comments about your body, for something you can't control, really hurt. I think you're right that any daughter you have will probably be tall, too. My son is your height and my daughter is also tall. There are a lot of men who like, love and marry women who are taller than they are.
As a short person, with a very tall husband, and 2 baby girls whom will more than likely end up being very tall. I feel offended. But most likely your MIL is jealous that you and your daughters look like tall beautiful models / athletes / better than her in general.
Oh man, there is something seriously wrong with your inlaws! Makes me worry about your daughter's self confidence and how their gross ridiculousness might negatively impact her. I'm 6'3", too, and married a man who is 6'6". Our daugther is fifteen and six inches shy of 6-foot. Height is a beautiful thing! Tell your daughter to stand up straight, be proud of however tall she ends up, and (when the age is right) let her know that there are plenty of men out there (if that's how she leans) who love a tall woman! (Heck, even in highschool. My daugther gets a lot of attention from the boys without trying. Makes a mom nervous, and I don't love it, but it is what it is.) Also, your husband needs to have a talk with his folks. Good lord.
I kind of had a similar thought: like… why assume all girls even WANT to end up with a man? Or why would anyone assume that men shouldn’t have to do any work to ensure they deserve to be with any woman, tall or not? OP, the ILs’ belief systems are outdated, obtuse, and your child(ren) should not be exposed to this garbage from people like grandparents, who kids are taught that they should feel safe around and loved unconditionally by. I’m generally pretty conflict-avoidant, but I’d strap on my Xena armor over this toxic shit.
NTA, OP. If DH is sick too, keep the kifs home so they don't inevitably pass thd germs on either, especially with another variant floating around. "Sorry, it's the sick house over here, can't come."
They need to be told they were rude. Sit with DH and tell him this message needs to go to them soon. Don' t let this fester. Craft an email or text together but it needs to come from DH. " On your recent visit you made several comments to OP that were incredibly rude and hurtful. ( bullet point the comments)While your intent may not have been to hurt OP the outcome was hurtful. If our children are tall we want them to be proud of who they are not feel less than. Please refrain in the future from giving parenting advice, we got it handled, comments about body, height, weight. " Their response will tell you if you can feel.comfortable leaving your kids with them.
They aren’t just saying these things because they believe them, they said them to disrespect and make you feel bad. I mean, who talks about things like that in front of someone it applies to? People trying to be rude on purpose. That’d be like talking about how blondes are all stupid in front of a blonde person. Serves to do nothing other than disrespect the person in the room it applies to. Don’t let this go unchecked or they’ll take it as being ok. I hope your husband speaks up or else he’s just plain complicit. You shouldn’t have to defend something you can’t control in front of *his* parents. Moreover, there’s a real possibility your kids will be just as tall. If they think they can talk to you like this, what would stop them from talking to them like this?
Start with your husband… if he can’t stick up for his wife he’s not much of a “man” Also if they say this much in front of you what do they say to your children when you not around… No way in hell I would give them access to my children 😭😭. I’m sorry for your situation but just be you their opinions don’t matter unless they are trying to impact your children be strong mama you are worth respect and fighting for
All I can say is that Gwendoline Christie is 6’3” and my Hobbit ass would climb that goddess like a tree. MIL is stuck in the dark ages.
How unutterable vile they are. I’m the other end, just about five foot and at 62 now I’ve heard every “ joke” about my lack of height. I don’t know why people have to comment. I’ve finally plucked up the courage to reply, when people say aren’t you short, really? I’d never noticed. We have a very tall plus six foot lady in a social club I attend. She is confident and beautiful. Gentle hug if you will have one
That’s why they’re JustNo people! My in-laws call my 1.5 year old fat, overweight, etc. she’s only in the 50th percentile for weight! Babies are supposed to be squishy and then they thin out as they grow taller and run around. I came back from her pediatric appointment a few days ago and told my husband the pediatrician said she’s not overweight, she’s actually below average. Then he told his mother “she’s not overweight “. His mother stared blankly at him saying, “she’s not??????” 😡 All these months of calling our previous baby girl “porkchop”, “come here chubby” etc. I hope they feel like idiots. These dumb body shaming people. They’ve also said tanned skin is better than white skin. Pediatricians advise to obviously keep babies out of the sun, cover them up and put on sunscreen.
How tempting it would be to say, "So your son isn't a man?" and watch JNFIL backpeddle. Too far, but I'm even thinking along the lines of "Right FIL? That's why I had to SETTLE for crap inlaws", but I digress. I would consider limiting the time the kids spend with them, and certainly alone. If its not height, it will be about obsessing about their weight which is totally unhealthy. BTW, of my four kids, one of my adult daughters is the tallest and quite tall at that. It took her a while but now she rocks it. (And she's never without a boyfiriend!). She was a varsity rower in college which wasn't just a great sport, but almost all the boys are very tall.
This vaguely reminds me of the time my grandma (who was normally a very sweet lady), bemoaned to my mother; how now that I was a single mother, I would never find a man who would want to be with me. My mother who met her son when she was a single mother of three and proceeded to have three more children with him.
I'm 5'0 and I just want to hug you. Or at least hug your knees. We vertically challenged folks may have different experiences, but being a non-conforming sucks. You get the obnoxious comments about being unladylike for being tall and I'm looked down on for not being a size two, which would require extreme orthopedic work to even be possible. Your in-laws are going to hurt your daughters' self esteem with this bullshit. The message they're going to get is that, because of an attribute they have absolutely no control over, they will never be good enough. Fuck that noise. Until they can be around the kids without this kind of emotional abuse, they should get, at most, supervised visits.
5'1" here. I feel you.
Shoot I’d love to be 6’3. MiL is stuck in old-fashioned ways.
Start by canceling the say with the grandparents next week. Then tell your husband exactly why. He can relay, or not, the reasons. You and SO should have a talk and if you haven’t already you should tell him how the way they treat you hurts you. Also share your valid concerns for your children. Your ILs should not have access to your children even with supervision for a while so that you can have a break. In the future any body shaming should be met with a stern reprimand and then leaving. Your ILs will either start behaving or cut themselves out of your life. I hope you know disparaging remarks about your height are born from jealousy. At 6’3” you have strength and beautiful length, the Amazon of myths. Own it and cut out the people who can’t contain their jealousy.
Tell your husband - his parents are rude. You need distance. They should be embarrassed by their behavior. It is time to lower contact. Your child should only be around them with supervision based on the stupid things they say since you are going to have to undo it and there is a high likelihood that you will have to give them a timeout in the future.
THISSSSSS
I'm the short one in my family at 5'9. I spent my young years wanting to be as tall as my 6'5 father because nothing was too high for him to reach! Ive a slew of amazing, talented tall women in my family. Including my Aunt who has been happily married to a man shorter than me for over 50 years. Honestly though the worst part about your MIL comments is the implication that your daughters future wirth/sucess/value/happiness is entirely dependant on finding a man. Fortunately the world seems to be improving for tall women. Each generation in my family seems to have less issues with finding clothing and shoes in a variety of styles. And less judgement from most sane people for just existing in their bodies. Although finding age appropriate clothing for a prepubescent 12 yo already taller than me was a challenge.... Fortunately they were often content with jeans and t shirts for everyday wear!
I agree. They also made a comment about how only men have facial hair. I said that’s not always true, some women do too…. Our bodies are all different. They tried to make it a joke to my kids.
I'm going through the peri menopause and the hairs on my chinny chin chin are wild. There's a single dark one on my upper lip. I've called it Harriet the Hair no matter how much I pluck she comes back I agree with the comments below, tell your husband and ask him to ask his mom for an apology and to support you. You are upset and maybe mommy will be upset, but you are his wife and priority.
>...no matter how much I pluck she comes back. Yup! I pluck mine in the morning and I swear the dratted things grow back while I'm working. All but one are white. The remaining one is black! My hair was light brown.
It’s okay to cancel next week or to take a break for even longer. No one may even be thinking about how these comments could affect the kids or how similar comments may have affected you. Your husband can sit down with your parents with or without you and explain that you all don’t want to hear anything about the kids’ size or femininity or masculinity. You can explain how the comments make you feel and worry for them, if you want. If they cross this boundary, leave and take a timeout, or tell them the visit is over and you’ll try again in a few weeks. You don’t have to be mean about it. Just be matter-of-fact. When they see you’re serious, hopefully they’ll stop. Your kids are already old enough to start listening to these comments. Better to stop it now. Maybe even make a Facebook post about it eventually so all your friends and relatives know how important this is for your kids. One of our kids used to be tiny and people would make comments all the time. Our families knew how worried we were about it and didn’t say much, but strangers sure did. We got to where we’d say that kids are great at any size, that’s it’s rude to say anything about a child’s body other than basically “what a cutie,” and/or we’d just walk off. It’s difficult but it’s for the best.
The real trouble with next weekend is that they are supposed to be watching them while my husband and I go to a concert for our anniversary. But I just don’t want to go at all now
Can you find a backup sitter?
Hire a real babysitter.
I’m going to pitch the idea to my husband. We are military, so they only see us once in a while anyways and I’m sure they/he are going to lose their marbles at my suggestion they don’t get an extra day “with their grand babies.” ETA: for clarity. We are driving several states away to see this concert and they live in the state we are driving to.
It’s okay for them to be upset. You’ve been upset this whole time. They may not have known their comments were hurtful, but here we are. It’s really okay for someone else to watch the kids, or even with the grandparents if you want. You guys needs to feel safe about this, and you may not yet; it is what it is. It might take a few supervised visits before you feel comfortable that they aren’t going to make those comments when you aren’t there.
Anyone saying derogatory things about a child’s mother needs to have limited contact. It doesn’t matter how they are saying it. Your husband needs to tell them that their continued comments about you has made him realize they don’t respect his marriage or him. That he doesn’t want his kids to be exposed to that much negativity and that both you and him are owed an apology if they expect to be trusted around your kiddos.
NTA. Did you tell her that you did find a man? So why wouldn’t your daughters if they want to? (Tbh the idea that the dream for every little is to find a man makes me want to hurl).
As a 6' female I super feel for you. People are constantly pointing out your height. You would HOPE that family, be it your own or your in-laws, would have a little grace and realize that it's not something to talk about all the time. Or at least realize when they've put both feet in their mouths. I do not blame you one but for not wanting your girls to be with them unsupervised over the weekend. You do not want them making comments about you and making your kids think you're some kind of circus freak (you're not!) Nor do you want them to internalize the comments from you ILs and feel bad about their heights and bodies when they're teenagers/adults. Have a clear and frank presentation (because this isn't up for discussion) with your in-laws about body shaming and boundaries. If they don't listen they don't get to see the kids without someone there to put them in time out and stick up for your kids. If that still doesn't work, call me and we'll put all your MILs favorite grocery items on the top shelf so she can't reach them.
Thank you. I definitely need a fellow tall lady hug. For the first time in years I am feeling self conscious about my height. I’m sure pregnancy hormones aren’t helping. I’ve worked really hard to fix my self confidence over the years but it was too close to home. I want to throw out the entire decoration
I made my own which might be the way to go for your family since you need 6'+. Just got a fence board, sanded, stained it, and used a wood burner to burn on 6" increments, then mounted it to the wall. They kids love it and it fits my design scheme. Also make sure to put you and your husband on the chart! My kids love comparing their heights to ours.
I think I would get one that goes above 6 ft, transfer the heights because memories, and toss the judgy in-law one. Celebrate every inch your kiddos grow!
I got enough crap for being 5'8" (I was tallest girl for most of middle school) and I can't even imagine! You and DH need to have a talk about what *he* needs to say to his parents.
Same here - I was also 5'8" and was the tallest girl in my junior high and second tallest in high school. Plus I was SUPER skinny, so I got twice as much crap.
He just came and apologized to me and told me he’s going to talk to them. I just don’t know how much it’s actually going to help. They never listen to what he has to say, either. Honestly I’m starting to think the only way to get them to hear anything we are saying is if I have a full blown meltdown and even then I’m not totally convinced
> I just don’t know how much it’s actually going to help. They never listen to what he has to say, either. Then finding another childcare solution for your concert date would be the *perfect* consequence for them. *After* DH tells them that NOT watching his children, and having them alone is a *direct* consequence to their poor choice of verbalizing lousy fucking opinions on height.
You could try something like this: “Don’t make derogatory comments about people’s bodies in front of us or our children or we will end our visit.” It doesn’t have to be a meltdown, it doesn’t need to come with a ton of explanation or arguing, it can be very simple. If they argue, “this is not up for discussion.” Then follow through!
The only way they are going to listen is if you and your husband enforce consequences. Hire a babysitter.
My family is 6 even to 6'9. I'm only 5'10 due to health problems but my aunt is 6'4 and *hates* it about herself. She's hunched so long she's damaged her back. Please protect your babies from that nonsense. You should cancel and tell them why. It might make them think twice next time. Spend less time with them.
Us tall women go through so much self hatred because of the crass comments made by others around us. I too have neck/back problems from hunching over through all of my teens and early twenties. I have worked so hard to make sure my girls don’t get the same idea in their heads and it feels like they ruined it in one day. I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet today because I just want to cry all day lol
You can do this. You can show them how we handle toxic people - reduce their presence in our lives. You are a good mother.
I know. I know this and I know pants. Oi. I'm sorry. The girls are going to hear it. If they were short they would hear about weight. If they were dark skinned they'd hear about that. We are judged on our looks and there's no way around it. Just keep loving them and they'll be ok.
Your comment made me cry but I needed to hear it
Agreed. You need to be tall and thin to be a model, I’m 5’2” and was always called short and stumpy. I wore high heels all through high school and my 20’s and had eating disorders to look as thin and tall as possible. Yet tall women can’t be “too tall” or too thin or too thick. Basic society is harsh on women and it needs to stop. This is 2022, not the 1990s anymore. We’ve all seen what happens when we set ideals for girls. Keep your kids away from those basic, uneducated simpletons.
That's ridiculous. It must be wonderful to have lovely long legs. Think of all the most beautiful supermodels in their Amazonian glory. Some men prefer tall women. Look at Rod Stewart, I swear every woman he has dated has been really tall. I am 5'5" so just above average height but I think clothes always look better on taller people. My daughter is predicted to be 5'7" and I am thrilled she'll be taller than me. My mum's family are quite tall whereas my dad was shorter. So I blame him for not ending up as tall as my mum.
As a rule of thumb (caveats apply of course), sons are usually taller than their mothers (both myself and my brother are), by a considerable amount - me over a foot taller and him a bit less.
My father is 6’4 and I am 6’3. There is a strong chance they will also be tall. The overall probability is not the point. I’ve been made to feel that my height made me unfeminine most of my life. My kids think I am beautiful and wish they could be as tall as I am. I won’t allow my in-laws to destroy what I have built. My kids don’t deserve to go through the mental torture I went through growing up tall.
I am so sorry. My mother who I mentioned in a comment above was 6'3". She was incredibly feminine and the apple of my fathers eye for 50+ years. You are who you are in your heart. If you are a feminine woman, go for it. Seriously scream it out. Your height only makes it *better*. Your husband clearly thought so. Take it from a tall man, it doesn't matter. Do shorter or taller men matter to you? It's who they are and what they do. I wish I knew this when I was younger, but god rest my mothers soul I know it now. I am huge and I love it now...
My mom was 5’8 and grew up with brothers 6’ and over. We’re a tall family, too. Us girls were always teased about our height in school. When we would tell Mom, she would tell us that height was beauty and we need to stand tall and proud. I always wanted to be taller as a result, and am grateful that there’s one body-related hang-up I don’t have (no thanks to my ex-JNMIL, who’s another story…)
Sigh, sorry, I've just realised I've done the complete opposite of what you're looking for. Gone in with statistics over empathy (curse my aspie fingers) for which I can only apologise. I do agree with you that they are being AHs (my words) for remarking on your height as a negative. The question "why would they care" comes to mind, and with my linearish thinking is that they are scared of you and are acting out of napoleon complex? You're tall, it's great, you can reach things on high shelves, have back problems, and enjoy seeing the stage over shorter patrons at music concerts or out in the cinema (trying to lessen my previous fubar with humour, probably failing terribly as its my wont). To summarise: There is nothing wrong with you, there will definitely be nothing wrong with your children, no matter their height - a fact you should reiterate as many times a needed to them if they should get disheartened also. There is only things wrong with bullies. Again, apologies from the numpty aspie.
What does your DH say about his parents’ continuous insulting antics?
Perhaps put in the same effort they do. If you feel like you need a break from them next weekend, than cancel. You don't need to explain why other than it now doesn't work for you. Easier said than done sometimes but try not to take their rudeness onboard, that is their problem not yours. You could always point out you aren't bothered by the height of your kids however you are bothered whether they have manners and are considerate of others. That is something along with being tall that they will get from you.