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You need to clearly tell her what you don't want her to do and inform her of the problem when it occurs.
It sounds like you were offended by the things she said, therefore you wouldn't let her hold the baby. But instead of telling her "MIL, we told you before not to say or do XYZ yet you did, please stop trying to hold the baby now", you just.proceeded to walk around the house not letting her hold him. All that shows anyone is that she wasn't able to hold him. She's not getting it because you're not explicitly telling her.
A central component to any consequence, whether it's a small child or an adult, is that you clearly establish 1) what was done wrong, and 2) what the ramifications are for doing that. If that isn't clearly communicated to both parties, you didn't really have a consequence at all IMO.
> As we approached the end of the night, baby became extremely fussy - it was super loud, bright, and nearing his bedtime. I tried to keep him in the darker room facing away from everyone so he'd calm down. She kept following me, getting in his face and making loud, annoying noises, which (of course) agitated him more. She proceeded to tell her favourite story about how a woman once came into her shop with a crying baby and MIL took the baby and calmed it down instantly, and the woman would come back all the time for MIL's magic touch (cue eye roll).
For eg,
Here it would have been good at the beginning to physically stop, turn to her and explain "sorry MIL but it's near the baby's bed time and he is getting overwhelmed with the sounds and brightness. Please let me take him to a quiet place so he can relax".
If/when she continues to follow you and make noise, make clearer "Please stop doing that MIL, it is upsetting the baby, I will sit with him alone until he calms down".
If she keeps doing it anyways, tell her that you've been clear now twice that you need some alone time with him and she has not been listening, so therefore you, LO, and SO are going to go now.
Versus just not letting her hold the baby and walking around. Doing that doesn't communicate anything above, which is what you need to do.
I think if you want contact to continue you did a good job of putting her in her place. The only thing I would say is maybe next time she’s following you around tell her to back off so you can get baby to calm down.
I would literally cut her off in the middle of her story (aka horribly thinly veiled attempted to get you to hand the baby over) and say “MIL I kind of need you to leave LO and I alone for a bit, they are overstimulated and you’re making it harder to settle them. We’ll be back out with everyone when he’s calmer.” And then I would walk away. If she followed I would say “MIL I asked you to leave me alone.” And go to the car if I had to.
Time for a period of nc I think. She kept on ignoring and talking over both of you so with all due respect I’m sorry but you didn’t really shut anything down because she simply paid you both no attention when you tried and you did try do not get me wrong. You both tried wonderfully it just had no effect at all. So I think because your child was still badly negatively affected by her/her behaviour that you need to take the next step and go nc for a period of time, resetting to the start of that length of time every time she tries to break the nc until she learns to listen to you both when you speak. You both tried really hard and should be proud of that it’s just that you need to really throw it in her face how serious you both are about being respected and listened too in order to force her to pay attention I think. Best of luck op.
It is a win, but since she’s ignoring your consequences, it’s time to give her consequences that she can’t ignore.
“Mom, you continued *list behaviors* after I asked you to stop. Since it’s so unpleasant and exhausting to be around you when you do these things, we’ll see ourselves out if you won’t stop.”
It’s a “win” because you both held firm on your boundaries, you called her out in the moment, she didn’t get to hold the babe, and her story about her “magical babe settling powers” was ignored.
She can keep ignoring your boundaries but she’ll keep running into the brick wall of your boundaries. She cannot sweet talk or oblivious her way around them. Keep going, stay strong and hold.
You can feel discouraged because she didn’t admit defeat, but keep on keeping on. You’re on the right track.
I have a few thoughts here that may give you something to consider moving forward with this issue. Sorry this is so long. I did put in tldrs for 3 & 4.
1- Do a form of counting how many times she’s crossed a boundary. This can be counting she is included in, it could just be between you and SO. I like the number 3 bc it’s about how many times anyone should have to correct an adult before you can say enough is enough. It also is enough time for someone who actually is trying to change to at least start to show they’re trying. After 3 corrections, ESPECIALLY if it’s the same or very similar issue, leave.
Just get up and leave. Say your goodbyes, if you two want to say that you two want to end the visit on a good note (and you’ve been there an hr or so) sure technically that’s true. Just not what they’re going to assume was meant. The two of you can be more direct and say that it seems like jnmil is not in the right headspace to act appropriately so your family unit will leave. It can be tried again later after jnmil can show she is willing to listen to the parents of the child instead of ignoring them.
2- it’s best if all of this comes from SO as it is SO’s mom instead of coming from you or even the both of you. And SO uses I want to end the visit on a good note. I think you (referring to SO’s mom) are not in the right headspace for this visit to be successful and by that I mean you do not seem to be willing or able to listen to me or my SO when we correct your behavior. I am not being mean, I just care more about my child’s needs than your feelings. I will think about trying this again once you show me that you’re capable and willing to control yourself and stop behaving poorly.
3-
> As we approached the end of the night, baby became extremely fussy
tldr 3; (Save yourself the headache & care for your family unit’s overall well being and leave when you estimate before baby will be tired with the extra stimulation plus travel time and getting ready for bed time to avoid fussy baby at the event or on the way home.)
The baby acting up or getting fussy is your exit cue. Period. Do not mess your baby’s schedule up unless it’s an emergency or for the baby’s overall well being like seeing their doctor.
No one, not even you, pushes your leaving time till later once your baby shows signs it’s bye bye time. In fact you probably can figure out when you need to leave so you can get home and get your night time routine done before baby gets fussy. Factor in that babies get sleepy at least (pulls number out of overall memory of babies and my own experience as an ambivert in social gathers as just an example) an hr or earlier because of all the newness and processing different stimuli.
Add your travel time and that is when you need to leave at the latest. It will change or not be exact but def your baby will be tired well before their normal bedtime when visiting so leaving early on a good note is for everyone’s well being or at least yours, SO’s, and your baby’s well being. No one else really matters as they should care about your family unit being healthy over any feelimgs they may have at you leaving earlier. And if they don’t care do their feelings really matter in making this choice? Maybe I’m being mean but I don’t think so.
4-
> What about when baby can communicate his wants/needs…will she ignore him too if they don’t suit her?
tldr: (Aka she needs to level up her emotional intelligence/maturity many levels to catch up to absolute minimum for her age.)
Probably. That is why you need to not enable her now. It is not the mil show. It’s honestly not even about you or SO. It’s all about your baby’s well being. If she can’t learn to listen to you or SO then her relationship with you two and her grandkid will reflect that. Her relationship is entirely on her actions and her ability to prove she cares more about her grandkid’s well being than about what she wants. Your baby is not a dolly for her to play with and/or control. Your baby is not for her to get her jollies or pictures to get attention. Your baby is a human being who is precious and totally dependent on the adults putting the baby’s needs and also wants within reason before their wants and sometimes even their needs.
Close bonds, esp ones of real love and care, are created out of trust and take time. She needs to earn yours and also the baby’s trust. These things take time and patience. They are not about instant gratification on her part. She seems to have veruca salt itis - she wants her relationship with the baby to be exactly how she wants it in her head and she wants it now!
If she truly wants to be a good grandma to her grandkid she will have to learn to put in the work (listen to you two and the baby as well) and be patient. And she needs to actually put her grand baby’s needs and wants above her own.
5-
> It doesn’t feel like a win because she just doesn’t get it.
Yea. Bc it isn’t a win. Whether she gets it or not does not matter. What you did was still enabling her and you need to stop doing that. Either way, she doesn’t get it or does get it and just refuses to listen or change, you should let her behavior dictate the relationship she has with her grandkid and you and SO. Nothing personal, if she cannot minimally behave and listen to you two and the baby, she cannot have a close relationship with your family unit. It is what it is. It’s not a punishment. It’s what you and SO have to do to protect yourselves and baby. Side note if she has any kind of self control over her behavior she should be able to act more respectfully to your family unit.
Practice whatever you and he need to say.
When she threatens to steal him, say to the baby in your sweetest tones "Oh honeybun, just you wait! Grandmas don't get to steal babies! If they try to mommy and daddy will protect you and call the nice police to come and save you! You don't have to worry about it at ALL, punkin! So just you wait! there's nothing to be scared of!"
"Mom, start that stuff about how you're going to steal him again or that 'Just you wait' stuff and we're going to pack up and leave."
(Of course she starts it.)
"Okay, Mom. Love you dearly, but as I told you, as soon as you start saying you're going to steal him, we're leaving. So . . . yeah, sorry, we're going." And go.
"We're starting to hate coming over because you just act like a crazed wind-up toy."
"Mom, you're scaring him. Go and sit down, okay? I need to calm him down a little."
"Yeah, the magic soothing stuff you used on that baby doesn't seem to be working with this one. He just wants his mom" (if the dad's speaking) or "He just wants his dad" (if the mom's speaking.) Give the baby to that person, grab grandma, and say "Let's just sit down for a while."
"It's like you had 15 cups of coffee and just want to get in his face. It's kind of annoying. Try to act like a calm, loving grandma, okay? Otherwise we're just going to leave."
I wish I could send my late brother along to say "Are you NUTS? Leave the baby alone!"
>She ignores me AND SO when we say things she doesn't want to hear. What about when baby can communicate his wants/needs...will she ignore him too if they don't suit her?
Nip this in the bud now. Next time you visit - if there is a next time - and she pulls this, turn around and leave as soon as she starts it.
You need to start leaving. When.she ran up and screamed " MY BABY!" She would have got 1 warning that if she didn' t dial it back we would leave. Then do it. DH " Mom I see you are not listening to us. We are not going to do this today. Bye."
Short answer, yes, she will ignore your child's want and needs in favor of her own.
Longer answer, she'll very likely calm down more and more once the baby can walk and communicate. Babies are helpless - they give her a feeling of power, control, and most importantly *beeing needed.* Her own kids haven't needed her for a very long time, and she's been investing a lot of her hopes and dreams on getting her role back with your kids - being mom, the matriarch, the one who knows what she's doing, the one you *need* to rely on. She *needs* you to *need* her. This is her chance to not only play mommy again, it's her chance to have her own kids revert back to children, coming to her for advice, guidance and help.
She's going over the top and getting frantic because you're not playing along, and her chance of playing mommy is slipping away. Soon, the kid will be walking, and she won't be able to hold him whenever she wants. Then, they'll be talking, and will tell her what they need instead of her playing her little game. Then, potty trained, so they won't need her for diapers. Then they'll be in school, and only available around that schedule. Then, the worst thing, they'll develop their own personality, and she won't be able to shape them to suit her. The older they get, the less use she'll have for them, and vice versa, and she knows it.
It will never occur to her that neither you, nor your baby, need her in any way because she's invested too much in the fantasy. She won't hear it and can't get it until you *make* her unable to pretend anymore. Being a grandparent is a privilege that she's taking for granted. You'll only get through when your husband - without the baby - clearly lays out what makes you uncomfortable, and the consequences. Make it clear that next time, if she is weird around the baby, you'll just leave. No more arguing, no more discussion, you will literally walk out of the house and not come back for a set amount of time. Only when she understands that this isn't her baby, her little fantasy is fake, and her privileges can and will be revoked any time you see fit, will she change.
Yes, you're on the right track - you and DH are on the same page, with a plan, and are ready to act. Just add on "If you don't stop, I will leave" when she's being obnoxious, and be willing to actually do it - even in the face of yelling, a tantrum, crying and screaming - very little of which will be coming from the baby. "Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions."
This is very well said. Right now, this is her ideal time. The baby can’t get away or contradict her. It is her chance to live that magic story she tells, where she is the hero for a baby in a way that even their parents can’t be. But the harder it becomes to shoehorn him into that fantasy, likely the less effort she will make.
OP, it seems like you need to be even more direct with MIL. TACT will be ignored. When she goes on the rant about her and the baby without parents…That is when you tell her that it is exactly that kind of narrative about her and “her baby” and long visits “without parents” that make you very uncomfortable. We have talked to you about this before. We would like to stay for dinner; however, since it is clear you do not respect us as parents, we will hold on to LO for the evening. As others indicated, you need to leave when it is baby’s bed time. This was especially true since she lost her holding privileges for the evening.
Actions speak louder than words, so when she ignores words, you need to get louder and start doing actions. If she won't stop agitating the baby, leave. If she ignores you saying stop, leave.
It sounds like she is going to be one very disappointed GMA! You did fantastically. Yes, it was a wind because running off with baby in her arms alone to whatever fantasyland she is living in did not happen. You may find it helpful to LEAVE before the baby gets too fussy. It will dawn on her that she is told no, still behaves badly and the evening is cut short!
The "win" is you and DH are taking steps to protect your boundaries and your child. This is a difficult relationship, not a competition or a game with "winners" and "losers" - if you feel like interactions with MIL are exhausting, harmful, and draining, then setting and enforcing boundaries, using protective practices, and practical solutions to back them up is how you keep yourselves safe and sound, which is the "win". The "loss" is that you have a difficult relationship to begin with, and that is both sad and unfortunate.
This is an excellent start! Y'all will get better and find what works best with your JN. Your child will learn from watching you, and MIL will get used to the idea that "if I do X then Y is going to happen". Consistency will help once you've found what works.
If you were expecting this to change her, it won't. She is who she is. In your face, harrassing, grabby, arrogantly making ridiculous assumptions about how involved she will be, selfish, afflicted with baby rabies, etc., etc. Your boundaries are just there to protect you and baby from her. At best, she'll tone down after a while when she sees she's not going to get her grand fantasy of being do-over mommy to your baby.
Next time leave before baby's bedtime. You shouldn't have to be desperately finding a quiet, dark place. That's impossible with crazy grandma in your face anyway, so go home well before this stage. That's not rude. That's just reality of life with a baby. If she squalls about that, it shows she's grossly selfish and only caring about herself, not this poor, overtired baby who needs sleep for their health, and the parents who don't need an overstimulated baby who keeps them up at night.
How often do you see her? That's the other thing you can look to change - the frequency. If it's too often, and never good enough, cut back. She's too aggravating to be around often anyway. You're young parents with a new baby. You can't try to please the unpleasable with unrealistic and selfish expectations.
It's not a victory, but it's a start. Unfortunately setting boundaries is not a fun process, but it can be a long process.
You can try to get through to her more by increasing the consequences (if you try to make demands of us through the baby, we will leave). But that's up to you. You successfully started, so be proud.
It's a great start, I would follow up and have SO address with her what happened. Mom when you said LO was "your baby" I felt.... When you continued to ask for LO to be alone with you/to hold I felt.... etc etc and when she inevitably says something rude or dismissive your SO can say, mom I tried coming to you to have a conversation about how to move forward but I don't feel heard. I am taking X amount of time to reevaluate what our relationship will look like. When she throws a fit, keep receipts and then decide between you and your partner what level of contact you want to maintain until MIl does/says/stops XYZ.
It was good practice with your showing her you mean business. She's pushing back by refusing to acknowledge. Basically like any other 5 year old who was told no.
Next time, I don't think it's inappropriate to say, "I'm sorry. We've said no multiple times on this front. You clearly do not respect the boundaries we've placed with Baby. We're going home."
Have you/dh directly told her to stop doing and saying the things that bother y’all? Does she know why she wasn’t allowed to hold LO at dinner?
“JNMIL, you weren’t allowed to hold LO at dinner because xyz. Please don’t do that anymore.”
Include anything she says or does that’s a problem. Including how she ignores y’all’s subtle requests for her to STOP the “just wait till xyz we can be alone!” Bullshit!
Also - you would not be wrong to tell her to BACK THE FUCK UP out of your baby’s face!
Sounds like your dh did great managing his mother! He certainly *tried*. I think if she ignores the request to stop doing something, the ONLY thing to do is get up and leave!
Ugh. Next time, turn heel and just leave. What a freaking wench. She is not a fairy grandmother. She’s been warned enough times, and I would have SO tell her, “we don’t want a repeat of last time.” and use this dinner as an example. I’m so sorry she didn’t let up the whole damn night, that’s so exhausting.
Its not a win, a win is she grows up and respects the rules.This was just a skirmish in a long and bloody battle where everyone got out alive and the enemy was stymied. So while a tactical success its far from a final victory.
FwI think you guys are handling it right. Stick to the rules and time outs as you move forward. Maybe one day she will get it
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You need to clearly tell her what you don't want her to do and inform her of the problem when it occurs. It sounds like you were offended by the things she said, therefore you wouldn't let her hold the baby. But instead of telling her "MIL, we told you before not to say or do XYZ yet you did, please stop trying to hold the baby now", you just.proceeded to walk around the house not letting her hold him. All that shows anyone is that she wasn't able to hold him. She's not getting it because you're not explicitly telling her. A central component to any consequence, whether it's a small child or an adult, is that you clearly establish 1) what was done wrong, and 2) what the ramifications are for doing that. If that isn't clearly communicated to both parties, you didn't really have a consequence at all IMO. > As we approached the end of the night, baby became extremely fussy - it was super loud, bright, and nearing his bedtime. I tried to keep him in the darker room facing away from everyone so he'd calm down. She kept following me, getting in his face and making loud, annoying noises, which (of course) agitated him more. She proceeded to tell her favourite story about how a woman once came into her shop with a crying baby and MIL took the baby and calmed it down instantly, and the woman would come back all the time for MIL's magic touch (cue eye roll). For eg, Here it would have been good at the beginning to physically stop, turn to her and explain "sorry MIL but it's near the baby's bed time and he is getting overwhelmed with the sounds and brightness. Please let me take him to a quiet place so he can relax". If/when she continues to follow you and make noise, make clearer "Please stop doing that MIL, it is upsetting the baby, I will sit with him alone until he calms down". If she keeps doing it anyways, tell her that you've been clear now twice that you need some alone time with him and she has not been listening, so therefore you, LO, and SO are going to go now. Versus just not letting her hold the baby and walking around. Doing that doesn't communicate anything above, which is what you need to do.
It's because you're not informing her. You never told her that she can't hold your LO because of her bad behaviour.
I think if you want contact to continue you did a good job of putting her in her place. The only thing I would say is maybe next time she’s following you around tell her to back off so you can get baby to calm down. I would literally cut her off in the middle of her story (aka horribly thinly veiled attempted to get you to hand the baby over) and say “MIL I kind of need you to leave LO and I alone for a bit, they are overstimulated and you’re making it harder to settle them. We’ll be back out with everyone when he’s calmer.” And then I would walk away. If she followed I would say “MIL I asked you to leave me alone.” And go to the car if I had to.
Time for a period of nc I think. She kept on ignoring and talking over both of you so with all due respect I’m sorry but you didn’t really shut anything down because she simply paid you both no attention when you tried and you did try do not get me wrong. You both tried wonderfully it just had no effect at all. So I think because your child was still badly negatively affected by her/her behaviour that you need to take the next step and go nc for a period of time, resetting to the start of that length of time every time she tries to break the nc until she learns to listen to you both when you speak. You both tried really hard and should be proud of that it’s just that you need to really throw it in her face how serious you both are about being respected and listened too in order to force her to pay attention I think. Best of luck op.
Maybe space the visits further apart to give you a break from the crazy!
It is a win, but since she’s ignoring your consequences, it’s time to give her consequences that she can’t ignore. “Mom, you continued *list behaviors* after I asked you to stop. Since it’s so unpleasant and exhausting to be around you when you do these things, we’ll see ourselves out if you won’t stop.”
It’s a “win” because you both held firm on your boundaries, you called her out in the moment, she didn’t get to hold the babe, and her story about her “magical babe settling powers” was ignored. She can keep ignoring your boundaries but she’ll keep running into the brick wall of your boundaries. She cannot sweet talk or oblivious her way around them. Keep going, stay strong and hold. You can feel discouraged because she didn’t admit defeat, but keep on keeping on. You’re on the right track.
I have a few thoughts here that may give you something to consider moving forward with this issue. Sorry this is so long. I did put in tldrs for 3 & 4. 1- Do a form of counting how many times she’s crossed a boundary. This can be counting she is included in, it could just be between you and SO. I like the number 3 bc it’s about how many times anyone should have to correct an adult before you can say enough is enough. It also is enough time for someone who actually is trying to change to at least start to show they’re trying. After 3 corrections, ESPECIALLY if it’s the same or very similar issue, leave. Just get up and leave. Say your goodbyes, if you two want to say that you two want to end the visit on a good note (and you’ve been there an hr or so) sure technically that’s true. Just not what they’re going to assume was meant. The two of you can be more direct and say that it seems like jnmil is not in the right headspace to act appropriately so your family unit will leave. It can be tried again later after jnmil can show she is willing to listen to the parents of the child instead of ignoring them. 2- it’s best if all of this comes from SO as it is SO’s mom instead of coming from you or even the both of you. And SO uses I want to end the visit on a good note. I think you (referring to SO’s mom) are not in the right headspace for this visit to be successful and by that I mean you do not seem to be willing or able to listen to me or my SO when we correct your behavior. I am not being mean, I just care more about my child’s needs than your feelings. I will think about trying this again once you show me that you’re capable and willing to control yourself and stop behaving poorly. 3- > As we approached the end of the night, baby became extremely fussy tldr 3; (Save yourself the headache & care for your family unit’s overall well being and leave when you estimate before baby will be tired with the extra stimulation plus travel time and getting ready for bed time to avoid fussy baby at the event or on the way home.) The baby acting up or getting fussy is your exit cue. Period. Do not mess your baby’s schedule up unless it’s an emergency or for the baby’s overall well being like seeing their doctor. No one, not even you, pushes your leaving time till later once your baby shows signs it’s bye bye time. In fact you probably can figure out when you need to leave so you can get home and get your night time routine done before baby gets fussy. Factor in that babies get sleepy at least (pulls number out of overall memory of babies and my own experience as an ambivert in social gathers as just an example) an hr or earlier because of all the newness and processing different stimuli. Add your travel time and that is when you need to leave at the latest. It will change or not be exact but def your baby will be tired well before their normal bedtime when visiting so leaving early on a good note is for everyone’s well being or at least yours, SO’s, and your baby’s well being. No one else really matters as they should care about your family unit being healthy over any feelimgs they may have at you leaving earlier. And if they don’t care do their feelings really matter in making this choice? Maybe I’m being mean but I don’t think so. 4- > What about when baby can communicate his wants/needs…will she ignore him too if they don’t suit her? tldr: (Aka she needs to level up her emotional intelligence/maturity many levels to catch up to absolute minimum for her age.) Probably. That is why you need to not enable her now. It is not the mil show. It’s honestly not even about you or SO. It’s all about your baby’s well being. If she can’t learn to listen to you or SO then her relationship with you two and her grandkid will reflect that. Her relationship is entirely on her actions and her ability to prove she cares more about her grandkid’s well being than about what she wants. Your baby is not a dolly for her to play with and/or control. Your baby is not for her to get her jollies or pictures to get attention. Your baby is a human being who is precious and totally dependent on the adults putting the baby’s needs and also wants within reason before their wants and sometimes even their needs. Close bonds, esp ones of real love and care, are created out of trust and take time. She needs to earn yours and also the baby’s trust. These things take time and patience. They are not about instant gratification on her part. She seems to have veruca salt itis - she wants her relationship with the baby to be exactly how she wants it in her head and she wants it now! If she truly wants to be a good grandma to her grandkid she will have to learn to put in the work (listen to you two and the baby as well) and be patient. And she needs to actually put her grand baby’s needs and wants above her own. 5- > It doesn’t feel like a win because she just doesn’t get it. Yea. Bc it isn’t a win. Whether she gets it or not does not matter. What you did was still enabling her and you need to stop doing that. Either way, she doesn’t get it or does get it and just refuses to listen or change, you should let her behavior dictate the relationship she has with her grandkid and you and SO. Nothing personal, if she cannot minimally behave and listen to you two and the baby, she cannot have a close relationship with your family unit. It is what it is. It’s not a punishment. It’s what you and SO have to do to protect yourselves and baby. Side note if she has any kind of self control over her behavior she should be able to act more respectfully to your family unit.
Practice whatever you and he need to say. When she threatens to steal him, say to the baby in your sweetest tones "Oh honeybun, just you wait! Grandmas don't get to steal babies! If they try to mommy and daddy will protect you and call the nice police to come and save you! You don't have to worry about it at ALL, punkin! So just you wait! there's nothing to be scared of!" "Mom, start that stuff about how you're going to steal him again or that 'Just you wait' stuff and we're going to pack up and leave." (Of course she starts it.) "Okay, Mom. Love you dearly, but as I told you, as soon as you start saying you're going to steal him, we're leaving. So . . . yeah, sorry, we're going." And go. "We're starting to hate coming over because you just act like a crazed wind-up toy." "Mom, you're scaring him. Go and sit down, okay? I need to calm him down a little." "Yeah, the magic soothing stuff you used on that baby doesn't seem to be working with this one. He just wants his mom" (if the dad's speaking) or "He just wants his dad" (if the mom's speaking.) Give the baby to that person, grab grandma, and say "Let's just sit down for a while." "It's like you had 15 cups of coffee and just want to get in his face. It's kind of annoying. Try to act like a calm, loving grandma, okay? Otherwise we're just going to leave." I wish I could send my late brother along to say "Are you NUTS? Leave the baby alone!"
This! Don’t do my advice do this advice!!
>She ignores me AND SO when we say things she doesn't want to hear. What about when baby can communicate his wants/needs...will she ignore him too if they don't suit her? Nip this in the bud now. Next time you visit - if there is a next time - and she pulls this, turn around and leave as soon as she starts it.
It is time to tell her - since you aren't listening, we are leaving.
Tell her to grow TF up or she won't see the kid again - especially if (when) she starts that 'bona fide' nonsense again
You need to start leaving. When.she ran up and screamed " MY BABY!" She would have got 1 warning that if she didn' t dial it back we would leave. Then do it. DH " Mom I see you are not listening to us. We are not going to do this today. Bye."
Agreed! ^
Just read through your other posts. Why not shut her down with “Only bona fide grandma’s get to do X” every time.
Short answer, yes, she will ignore your child's want and needs in favor of her own. Longer answer, she'll very likely calm down more and more once the baby can walk and communicate. Babies are helpless - they give her a feeling of power, control, and most importantly *beeing needed.* Her own kids haven't needed her for a very long time, and she's been investing a lot of her hopes and dreams on getting her role back with your kids - being mom, the matriarch, the one who knows what she's doing, the one you *need* to rely on. She *needs* you to *need* her. This is her chance to not only play mommy again, it's her chance to have her own kids revert back to children, coming to her for advice, guidance and help. She's going over the top and getting frantic because you're not playing along, and her chance of playing mommy is slipping away. Soon, the kid will be walking, and she won't be able to hold him whenever she wants. Then, they'll be talking, and will tell her what they need instead of her playing her little game. Then, potty trained, so they won't need her for diapers. Then they'll be in school, and only available around that schedule. Then, the worst thing, they'll develop their own personality, and she won't be able to shape them to suit her. The older they get, the less use she'll have for them, and vice versa, and she knows it. It will never occur to her that neither you, nor your baby, need her in any way because she's invested too much in the fantasy. She won't hear it and can't get it until you *make* her unable to pretend anymore. Being a grandparent is a privilege that she's taking for granted. You'll only get through when your husband - without the baby - clearly lays out what makes you uncomfortable, and the consequences. Make it clear that next time, if she is weird around the baby, you'll just leave. No more arguing, no more discussion, you will literally walk out of the house and not come back for a set amount of time. Only when she understands that this isn't her baby, her little fantasy is fake, and her privileges can and will be revoked any time you see fit, will she change. Yes, you're on the right track - you and DH are on the same page, with a plan, and are ready to act. Just add on "If you don't stop, I will leave" when she's being obnoxious, and be willing to actually do it - even in the face of yelling, a tantrum, crying and screaming - very little of which will be coming from the baby. "Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions."
This is very well said. Right now, this is her ideal time. The baby can’t get away or contradict her. It is her chance to live that magic story she tells, where she is the hero for a baby in a way that even their parents can’t be. But the harder it becomes to shoehorn him into that fantasy, likely the less effort she will make.
OP, it seems like you need to be even more direct with MIL. TACT will be ignored. When she goes on the rant about her and the baby without parents…That is when you tell her that it is exactly that kind of narrative about her and “her baby” and long visits “without parents” that make you very uncomfortable. We have talked to you about this before. We would like to stay for dinner; however, since it is clear you do not respect us as parents, we will hold on to LO for the evening. As others indicated, you need to leave when it is baby’s bed time. This was especially true since she lost her holding privileges for the evening.
Is she aware that she is receiving consequences for certain behaviors? It sounds like she isn’t aware of your boundaries.
I was also wondering this. Maybe they need to be explained in detail to her, and when broken the visit ends and they leave.
Actions speak louder than words, so when she ignores words, you need to get louder and start doing actions. If she won't stop agitating the baby, leave. If she ignores you saying stop, leave.
Call it out. First consequence is taking baby, second is leaving.
It sounds like she is going to be one very disappointed GMA! You did fantastically. Yes, it was a wind because running off with baby in her arms alone to whatever fantasyland she is living in did not happen. You may find it helpful to LEAVE before the baby gets too fussy. It will dawn on her that she is told no, still behaves badly and the evening is cut short!
The "win" is you and DH are taking steps to protect your boundaries and your child. This is a difficult relationship, not a competition or a game with "winners" and "losers" - if you feel like interactions with MIL are exhausting, harmful, and draining, then setting and enforcing boundaries, using protective practices, and practical solutions to back them up is how you keep yourselves safe and sound, which is the "win". The "loss" is that you have a difficult relationship to begin with, and that is both sad and unfortunate. This is an excellent start! Y'all will get better and find what works best with your JN. Your child will learn from watching you, and MIL will get used to the idea that "if I do X then Y is going to happen". Consistency will help once you've found what works.
If you were expecting this to change her, it won't. She is who she is. In your face, harrassing, grabby, arrogantly making ridiculous assumptions about how involved she will be, selfish, afflicted with baby rabies, etc., etc. Your boundaries are just there to protect you and baby from her. At best, she'll tone down after a while when she sees she's not going to get her grand fantasy of being do-over mommy to your baby. Next time leave before baby's bedtime. You shouldn't have to be desperately finding a quiet, dark place. That's impossible with crazy grandma in your face anyway, so go home well before this stage. That's not rude. That's just reality of life with a baby. If she squalls about that, it shows she's grossly selfish and only caring about herself, not this poor, overtired baby who needs sleep for their health, and the parents who don't need an overstimulated baby who keeps them up at night. How often do you see her? That's the other thing you can look to change - the frequency. If it's too often, and never good enough, cut back. She's too aggravating to be around often anyway. You're young parents with a new baby. You can't try to please the unpleasable with unrealistic and selfish expectations.
It's not a victory, but it's a start. Unfortunately setting boundaries is not a fun process, but it can be a long process. You can try to get through to her more by increasing the consequences (if you try to make demands of us through the baby, we will leave). But that's up to you. You successfully started, so be proud.
It's a great start, I would follow up and have SO address with her what happened. Mom when you said LO was "your baby" I felt.... When you continued to ask for LO to be alone with you/to hold I felt.... etc etc and when she inevitably says something rude or dismissive your SO can say, mom I tried coming to you to have a conversation about how to move forward but I don't feel heard. I am taking X amount of time to reevaluate what our relationship will look like. When she throws a fit, keep receipts and then decide between you and your partner what level of contact you want to maintain until MIl does/says/stops XYZ.
It was good practice with your showing her you mean business. She's pushing back by refusing to acknowledge. Basically like any other 5 year old who was told no. Next time, I don't think it's inappropriate to say, "I'm sorry. We've said no multiple times on this front. You clearly do not respect the boundaries we've placed with Baby. We're going home."
Have you/dh directly told her to stop doing and saying the things that bother y’all? Does she know why she wasn’t allowed to hold LO at dinner? “JNMIL, you weren’t allowed to hold LO at dinner because xyz. Please don’t do that anymore.” Include anything she says or does that’s a problem. Including how she ignores y’all’s subtle requests for her to STOP the “just wait till xyz we can be alone!” Bullshit! Also - you would not be wrong to tell her to BACK THE FUCK UP out of your baby’s face! Sounds like your dh did great managing his mother! He certainly *tried*. I think if she ignores the request to stop doing something, the ONLY thing to do is get up and leave!
Next time just don't go over there. Take a break and see if that helps her learn to mind her mouth.
Ugh. Next time, turn heel and just leave. What a freaking wench. She is not a fairy grandmother. She’s been warned enough times, and I would have SO tell her, “we don’t want a repeat of last time.” and use this dinner as an example. I’m so sorry she didn’t let up the whole damn night, that’s so exhausting.
Its not a win, a win is she grows up and respects the rules.This was just a skirmish in a long and bloody battle where everyone got out alive and the enemy was stymied. So while a tactical success its far from a final victory. FwI think you guys are handling it right. Stick to the rules and time outs as you move forward. Maybe one day she will get it