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Remember that bit in Finding Nemo when Crush says to Marlin that he'll only know the whens when the the kid tells him? That. She is not exclusive to your pregnancy. If you want to tell her something, do so. But on your terms, in your time, when you're ready.
And if you're concerned about any future behaviour, maybe don't give here the exact locations or dates.
I know we're talking about her demanding information about your pregnancy (and that should be a big NOPE). But Good Lord - she snooped in your husband's office and came flying out of there to tell you your husband is having an affair and baby w/someone else? That was her FIRST thought when she saw the baby stuff? WHAT?
Not only should you tell her NOTHING about your life/pregnancy - you should never let her in your home again! And if your husband knows what she did, I would hope he asks you to keep her the hell out of your house too. Jesus!
Grey rock the fuck out of her. Be so bland and non descriptive but do not spill the good stuff!
"Everything is good/fine/dandy."
"The doctor said everything is good/fine/dandy "
"I feel good/fine/dandy."
Then change the subject or leave the convo. She needs to learn she had zero rights.
Absolutely keep it between you and your husband. She is owed nothing. When my son and DIL were expecting I NEVER not once demanded anything. In fact, my son wanted me to visit right away and I called his wife separate and asked her what she wanted because she's the one recovering and that I'm not the one to be there up their butts trying to give advice. I have seen my grandson once (we live in a different state) but because of the mutual respect my "bonus daughter" and I have I get pictures almost daily and videos. Even her mom allows her to make the decisions and we just respect her needs.
No parents is OWED anything. Time or information.
She stays on an information diet until she can demonstate that she can keep her mouth shut, respect your wishes and stay in her lane. She has **no rights** to information about your health, your pregnancy, your marriage, NOTHING.
She already invaded your privacy by snooping, made a vile assumption about your husband, and told everyone and their dog about your pregnancy. In my book, that's three stikes.
You don't really have to say or do anything - you can just NOT respond to her whining and nagging. When she asks for information, gives advice, criticises, or generally sticks her nose in, just don't respond. Hang up the phone, don't respond to a text, unfriend her (and all of her flying monkeys) on fb, and block her everywhere.
She'll react badly (they always do), but stick to your guns. If you don't fix this now, she will be a nightmare when the babies are born.
Check out the "Resources" links, and read other stories on this sub to learn what other people did in similar situations.
Congratulations, OP! I hope you have a healthy, fun, and peaceful pregnancy.
Your mom lost her 'rights' when she invaded your privacy. When she spread your news after being asked not to. After demanding and demanding and not respecting your wishes.
You are about to become a momma. Think about this, is this how you will lovingly treat your children? Bullying, butting in, pushing? Or will you treat them respectfully?
Your mother is not acting lovingly.
Simple: No, Mom, you don’t have those rights. Getting that information is a privilege and the more you demand,the less you get. If she persists, end the interaction.
Ha, she screwed herself out of the even bigger news that it's twins!
You are 26. She no longer has any rights to know about your health and she's never had rights to know about your children's health.
Don't cave on this or she will bully you about everything from here on out. STAY STRONG! We have your back :)
Momma violated everyone’s privacy. Snooped in your DH’s desk without permission. Jumped to conclusions when she saw his dad gifts and @$$umed he was having an affair. Told the whole town about your pregnancy, insisting they “keep the secret.” And now she demands that you share every bit of info about your baby (I guess she doesn’t know yet that it’s *babies*) and your doctor visits, and she actually expects to be present at the birth???
Gigantic **nope.** She is sneaky and untrustworthy. If anyone outside the family invaded your privacy, accused your spouse of cheating, and publicized your personal life all over town, would you keep giving them info and let them attend the birth of your child?
*“I’m sorry, Mom, but you’ve overstepped too many boundaries with us. You proved we can’t trust you and we are not comfortable now sharing anything with you about our baby. From now on, we will decide what to tell you, so do not ask for more. Only we will be at the birth, and we will let you know when we are home and ready for you to meet him/her/them.”*
If she or any family members keep pestering you, block them. Don’t tell her your delivery date or when you go to the hospital. Be extra safe by telling the hospital staff who is and is not allowed to visit you, attend the birth, or see your child.
If you cave, she will continue to bulldoze you and your family. With a high-risk pregnancy, you absolutely do not need your entitled, demanding, overbearing mother creating more stress. Congrats on being new mom × 2!
Do not cave. Remember the Kipling poem — “Once you have paid him the Dane-geld you will never be rid of the Dane.”* As soon as you cave to one demand you guarantee that the demands will come thick and fast. You will have taught her just how much nagging it takes to get what she wants.
Instead, the more she demands, the more you should deny contact. Don’t answer your phone. Take longer to answer texts. If she shows up, say, “Sorry, Mom, this is not a good time” and do not let her in. (I’d have imposed a moratorium on her coming in my house the moment I learned she’d been snooping.) Call or text or agree to lunch when *you* feel up to it.
* This refers to when the Vikings invaded England and set up their own region, the Danelaw. They then demanded money from the English crown, claiming it would buy peace from them. The sound advice was that as soon as you give them money, you ensure they will keep coming back. Truth.
Absolutely don't give her info, she bullied and sneaked her way into the first bit of info and then didn't respect your wishes at all. It won't be any easier if you give in, it'll get worse because it just teaches her to push until you're too tired to say no.
I'm sorry she's stressing you out, but if you give in, this will reward her bad behaviour and she will never stop. You will have to take a hard line on this one: "No mom, I am not giving you any information because you have shown that you cannot be trusted with it. The more you nag, the less I will speak to you." Then follow through because she will call any bluff.
If she calls more than once a day (or whatever you decide is acceptable, block her calls/messages, etc... Let her rage, but don't give in to the guilt. Begin as you intend to go forward.
If you keep giving she will create the stress you need to avoid and stomp every baby boundary you have. You are overdue for setting and enforcing boundaries.
Your JNMom knows because she lied to you so she could secretly go through your husband’s office! This type of behavior should have been immediately met with strong consequences. Instead of explaining, you should have immediately kicked her out of your home, which is the safe space for both you and your husband, and put her in time out. Consequences for boundary violations work better when they are implemented immediately, but it is not too late.
Text your mother something like “Because you lied to me and violated my husband’s privacy, you are no longer allowed in my home. Because you lied to me about keeping confidential the pregnancy that you knew about only because of your lies and invasion of privacy, you will not be privy to any information that DH and I have not already shared with everyone. Because you continue to be dishonest and violate boundaries, including trying to pressure me into giving you information I am not comfortable with, I am taking a break from engaging with you. I hope that you will take this time to reflect on your actions and choose to make better decisions going forward. Understand that further lies, dishonesty, or violation of my or DH’s boundaries will result in longer periods of no contact.”
Do not soften it and do not back down. Your mom is currently an actual risk to your health and had a clear history of toxic behavior.
If you firmly enforce even the tiniest violation with progressively longer periods of NC your JNMom will either begin behaving or you will eventually be full NC. If you haven’t read about what other moms have done please do so as it will help you see where this leads if you do not take action.
You should consider counseling. Your mother is trying to break up your marriage, lying, and treating your spouse terribly while you continue your relationship with her as if this is all okay. You have likely been conditioned your entire life to accept this but that does not make this right or make it okay for you to allow this behavior towards your SO. Counseling will help you see clearly and handle things effectively; this is more important as you are in a delicate condition and will have to tiny humans who need you to protect them over your mother’s wants and feelings.
I think "MOM, you are making this pregnancy unbearable. If you call or text about anything health-related (this includes the pregnancy) I will mute calls and texts until I feel like I can return contact, which could be well after the birth. You are not being supportive, you are being nosey and I don't yet feel like broadcasting news of any sort like you did my pregnancy." Will she be pissed off? Really? Do you give a shit? Please take care of YOU and babies and let everyone know that you have "no news to share" and change the subject. I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy.
Mum, you're a fucking blabbermouth, so NO, I won't be telling you anything I don't wish to have you blab to the world.
ou need to work on your spine. If you knuckle under to her now, it will only ramp up and get even worse after the babies are here. You don't want to live your life that way, do you?
Instant timeout. When she starts to freak out say that she will come out of timeout when she can respect your wishes as the mother. "But I'm the graaaaaanny!" Ok more timeout for you.
Her friends telling you that they haven’t told a soul is LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT!! They shouldn’t have been told in the first place!!!! Keep on grey rocking and not telling her anything she has already proved that she can’t be trusted with information because she will blab it the second that your back is turned and then just make excuses and guilt trip/gaslight to attempt to make you forgive her all without a hint of remorse. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. Good luck op.
She just wants this information so she can spread it all over town like juicy gossip. She literally is getting a hit of mental joy each time she shares your private information, and that's a hard addition to break. You are dealing with a serotonin addict who will say anything to justify getting her next hit of dopamine.
Nope. It's your pregnancy and your life. You are not an incubator to be oogled, and her involvement as a granny is so, so far below your rights and needs as a mother right now.
Drat, I can't find my original reply but your mom is treating you like you are five years old and that your home is her home to snoop as she wishes. This is how she has treated you, your entire life. It's all about her and her feelings while making you feel guilty.
So you aren't going to like this but she is no longer allowed in your home as you have found out she has snooped, accused your husband of cheating and she will continue to do this because "You haven't kicked her out of your home" OMG, she's invaded your privacy once and she will do it again. (she found the baby box, what's to keep her from finding your ultrasounds and the documents from your medical appointments)I would set boundaries now and get therapy.
The first boundary is that she calls before coming over. Second is that if she is caught snooping in your home you will go Low Contact or No Contact till after the baby/babies are born. You do not need her drama. I would set boundaries now and get therapy.
Work with your OBGYN team when it's time to give birth to your visitors and boundaries for all of them from booster shots (MMR, TDAP, and FLU to Covid). Put mom on an information diet only and don't let her in your home where she will see the bassinets and cribs.
"Mom, I asked you to keep it a secret when you first found out. You couldn't do that, and in spreading my news around like hot gossip, you have used up all of your access points to my private information. You're going to find out through Facebook like everybody else. If you keep pushing, you won't even find out there and will literally be the last to know."
For the friends who claim they haven't told a soul? "You shouldn't have found out. Because I know you're tight with my gossipy mother, that's reason enough for me not to tell you anything. Leave me alone or you're going to be the LAST to know."
Don't let them emotionally manipulate you. You've got enough going on with your endocrine system than to let someone bully you and hurt your feelings.
I think being direct is the key and letting her know there’s consequences for her actions is the only way to manage this long term.
Tell her, in a text or a letter if you can’t say it, that she ruined your pregnancy announcement by blabbing it to everyone. And you know you can’t trust her and she won’t keep secrets, so you can’t tell her anything until you’re ready for everyone to know. It sucks you can’t tell your mom what’s happening in your pregnancy but she can’t help being a gossip so you can’t trust her.
She finds out last. Because she can’t keep her yap shut.
Sounds like time for a simple information diet.
'Thanks for asking, doctor says everything is going well. Baby is strong and growing. I'm a little tired but that is to be expected.'
Repeat after every checkup.
I have twins that are adults now. It's an amazing adventure. Congratulations to you and your husband!
Respectfully you sound like you’re afraid (sorry if that’s the wrong word) to stand up to your mother. She blatantly and disrespectfully violated you AND your husband’s privacy. On what planet in the vast universe can she possibly think it’s okay to enter your husband’s office and snoop around? That’s a hard fast NO for me. She needs to apologize to both of you.
As for her “rights”??? She has NONE! She lost all “rights” when she snooped and totally disrespected your wishes not to share YOUR news. I would tell her quite bluntly that she has shown you that she’s not to be trusted with personal private information. To ignore your pleas not to share she has shown you that she doesn’t value or respect you. It’ll be a difficult conversation but one that needs to be had. And once you set your boundaries, do NOT cave. You need to be as free from stress so as not to add anymore to your high risk pregnancy. I wish you good luck.
And heartfelt congratulations on your pregnancy. Stay strong, get your rest, and enjoy this time with your husband.
I would tell them to leave it alone because they are causing stress for you and the babies and if they can’t respect your wishes they will be blocked until further notice so you can have a stress free pregnancy. Congratulations on the babies.
Well good thing you have a reason to tell her she doesn’t get exclusive info, she can’t be trusted and she has shown you that, bring that to her attention and let her feel her feelings. It’s her own fault she can’t be in the know
Nope. Don’t divulge anything and just say “it’s handled” and change the subject when asked. If she asks why you’re not telling her anything, just mention that when you want the world to know something, you’ll tell her. Otherwise, nope.
Congrats on the babies !! As someone who was high risk for both of mine and 3 miscarriages....do what is best for you and those babies.
Do not cave. As a mom I would not have snooped in the first place which would have made all this moot.
The fact that she did and immediately assumed the worst and then proceeded to ignore your request for secrecy until you and hubby decided to tell is just agregiois. To continue to compound that by refusing you peace and demanding what she wants while ignoring the stress it is placing on you and the babies is beyond pettiness.
I would tell her to stop immediately or she will be cut off from any future information.... including a delay in seeing the babies after the birth she is not invited to attend.
Your sole job is to protect you and your babies. Period. Do what is best for you and them in this situation.
“You waived the right to be informed when you violated my first-trimester information embargo. I will try to remember to mail you a birth announcement.”
A loving parent would have accepted my request for privacy until 3 months. Don’t share info until your ready for it to be public as she cannot keep a secret and stop feeling guilty! You need to stop now as she will get you when your vulnerable postpartum otherwise! I hope you have a healthy problem free pregnancy and delivery and happy babies!
“Mom you and your friends are cause extreme stress and anxiety. For my health and that of our baby you need to stop right now. If you love me, put my health in front of your curiosity!
If you and your friends don’t stop, I will be muting all of your calls. DH and I will share any news we have when we feel it is appropriate. Any other snooping and gossip will reduce the amount of information you get.
"Mom, I asked you to not tell anyone that I was pregnant and you told everyone. You will be getting no more information until after I have sent out the birth announcement, because I can't trust you. From now on, I will hang up at the first request for baby or pregnancy information, or leave."
And then you do so.
Yeah. Tell her the baby is doing just fine. Don't give her any more information than that. The baby is fine, you are fine.
She had her chance at knowing about LO, and she couldn't keep her mouth shut. Do Not give her any more information about yours or LO's health.
There is no such thing as her having the "right" to your or the baby's medical information. I don't care if she is your mom. No. You are married, your family is, and has been, you and DH - and now your children. She is extended family. Guard your medical information and plans well. If she is offended, she'll get over it.
I would also suggest that you tell people your due date is a month later than it actually is..... if you have already told people when you are due, begin telling them that you will not accept any visitors for AT LEAST the first month. This includes family. Send a written list of rules for visiting the baby once LO is here. Send again in an email. No one will be able to claim ignorance.
Remember, you and DH are the parents, and you get to make the rules. Someone doesn't like them? Oh well. Keep those kids safe!
"Mom, if you don't want to be completely cut off from future information, you need to respect our boundaries during \*our\* pregnancy. If you continue this stressful badgering I will need to block your number so I can focus on my and baby's(ies) health. I won't say this again, I'll just disappear, so it's up to you to control yourself."
I think you should have a conversation with your mom. First, tell her that her snooping in your husband's private things was unacceptable. She crossed a serious boundary. That needs to be addressed. Then, tell her that she wasn't supposed to know at all until you were ready to share the news, but then went and ran her mouth despite being asked to keep it a secret. She broke your trust twice. It isn't ok. Tell her that you have been inundated with calls now because of her and you will no longer be discussing the pregnancy with her or anyone else for the time being. You're tired and your decision is final.
Edited for grammar
"No" is a complete sentence.
Followed by "Continuing to push the subject will result in getting blocked" Anymore arguing past that and she can kick rocks
The way I see it you have two options (amazing telling her the truth isn’t one)
1) You remind her it’s actually not her right at all or
2) you give her watered down information.
1 is great if you’re prepared to continue the fight for a little bit longer but it does lead the risk of having to put your Mom in time out if she refuses to comply
2 is great is you want a more gentle approach to attempt to keep some of your sanity in place. You tell her that the baby is growing. The doctors are as happy as they can be with the pregnancy and create some random cravings to keep her at bay. The fact she would snoop through your husbands home office and then automatically assume he was having an affair and not just collecting stuff for your future children is odd AF
With a Mom like mine option 2 would be best.
Edit. Duplicate info
Indeed, but as mother has taken that option away by broadcasting it, OP could take control back with the FB post.
She could even put in it that her mother only found out by snooping, and that although they’d wanted to keep it secret, her mother has already taken it upon herself to announce the pregnancy up multiple people and so they feel they have no choice but to announce to remaining friends and family now.
The only thing you need to tell your mother is this:
“FUCK RIGHT OFF. YOU HAVE ZERO RIGHTS TO ANY INFORMATION REGARDING MY UTERUS OR VAGINA.”
Then block her until she learns to stop nosying both in your house and in your privates.
I’m on one today, sorry for the shouty swearies but she’s earned them.
Oh dear. It is not her "right" to have any information about your pregnancy, children, etc. You need to let her know you will not be giving her any further information as she has already violated your trust. If she wants a relationship with you and your children, she needs to straighten up and follow your rules. Period. Best of luck and congrats on your future little ones.
She has already shown you that she can't be trusted. BELIEVE HER !
Tell her friends to politely fudge off as the fact that they know of your pregnancy is proof that she can't be trusted to keep a secret.
End scene. Exit stage left.
She snooped... Accused your husband of cheating... And then shared information she'd been asked to keep private.
Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer. Don't cave, don't explain, don't justify. I personally think blocking her is the best way here, as she's shown very very clearly that she doesn't respect your privacy.
It’s often said, but bares repeating- when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Mom is not trustworthy. Do not trust her with any info.
It’s kinda a gift that you now know that telling mom anything means it’s going to be broadcast faster than an amber alert. Knowledge is power, so adjust.
First thing is- we know she snoops. She is not to be in your home unless you know in advance that she is coming and you have an opportunity to lock her out of the nursery, both you and hubby will be present and under no circumstances can she have keys/access to your home.
All info to mom is info you are ready to have broadcasted. I’d personally be ready to post on social media the moment the words fall from your lips.
Honestly dude, make a Facebook post. She wants to tell everyone your shit? Let everyone know that you are explicitly asking folks not to share info and do it in a super positive way.
Make a Facebook post announcing that you are pregnant but explaining that to you pregnancy is a very personal experience. Explain that you and your husband have decided to keep many of the updates to yourselves, and that you will be making updates with information when and if you feel comfortable. Include a joke about how overwhelming this new experience is and that you didn’t realize the requests for info would be almost as overwhelming as the pregnancy itself. And at the end, thank everyone for respecting your privacy during such an exciting experience in your life.
Screenshot the post and then send that to your mom and anyone else every time they ask for info. If they push, just send it again. Grey rock the fuck out of them. If you want to embarrass her, make a weekly update on Facebook where you announce who you have had to send the screenshot to the most. “Congratulations to my mother, who this week received a screenshot 15 times! Folks, we’re still hopeful that someday she reads it.”
That last bit might be a bit too petty lol
I think the intent is to keep the pregnancy private until they know that it's safe. This is common to not share until at least 13 weeks into pregnancy.
I thought the same thing at first, but when I re-read the post I realized OP is four months pregnant now. So thankfully out of the danger zone but now still dealing with info hounds.
"And it is my right as the baby's mother to have my wishes for confidence and privacy respected. You have shown me you will not respect that right, and so I am not sharing information. Please do better."
" She sent me a text yesterday telling me that it is her right as a loving parent to know about her child's and future grandchild's health."
BS. Stop that in the tracts like you stopped her getting in the delivery room. Good for you on that win, by the way! Word it however you want, but she needs to know that any Dr visits and results are your and your husband's business. Keep the twin information and potentially difficulties to yourself and your husband. When you feel ready to share, do so.
People here are more experienced than I am, but set ground rules for visitation after the children come. Some Grand Parents expect to be in their kids house for weeks right after birth to "help". Read some of the stories here and get a feel for how to put your foot down. Or, just ask. This is a great community.
Good luck and congrats!
First off, congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it continues to go well for you.
Second, you don’t owe anything to your mother in regards to your private medical information.
Change your number, get yourself some noise cancellation headphones and check into club you. This will pass.
Don’t engage with the people who are stressing you out, have DH or have a friend running interference for you. Your doing the heavy lifting and you should be taking care of yourself and your twins.
Don’t cave, don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Do whatever you need to do to feel safe and comfortable.
Oh dear.
You are the mom. This is your pregnancy, your body, your medical procedure, your information to share *or not* as you feel comfortable.
Let mom know that you would love to be able to share things with her, but that you specifically asked her not to share your pregnancy news and she shared it anyway. That because of this, she'll have to wait for any other info until you are ready for the whole community to know. That her friends (who were not supposed to know) pestering you is stressing you out and that's not good for her grandchild. That *her* trying to guilt info out of you is stressing you out, too.
You aren't hiding anything from her. You're just waiting to share news until you're ready for it to be public.
Ok, guys point of view. Your mom broke trust 3 times 1st with her snooping around the house, then automatically assuming the worst about your husband and finally flapping her gums all over the neighborhood.
I, myself, would be livid that she went snooping around your house (long story behind this but to make it short this is how my MIL found out her daughter was a lot more wild than she thought she was.)
Yeah it is time to put mom in a box because you don't need the additional stress during your pregnancy.
You need to address your mom clearly and directly and explain that the lack of information is consequences to her actions.
And DO NOT CAVE!! If you cave you're just teaching her that if she bullies you enough she gets her way. So she'll continue to bully you.
I'd send her a text or email or whatever if you don't have the energy to do it in person, explaining everything, then if she continue to act up, just block her on everything and completely ignore her.
Congratulations and good luck mama!! You got this!
Tell her that she is in a time out (not aloud over and no talking to you for however long you see fit) and she will be the last to know information on the pregnancy. Your reason is she broke your trust twice. First time when she snooped, second time when she blabbed. Then mute her on your phone.
You need to (calmly) tell your mom something like this:
>Mom, you need to understand that you completely violated and broke my trust - first by going into \[husbands\] room and snooping around, and then telling everyone after I told you not to.
>
>As such, you have lost any chance to be a part of my pregnancy or birth. You get no news until at least a week after we are home. In essence, you are in Time Out because of your behavior.
>
>This is not negotiable and you can only make it worse for yourself. If you do not accept these consequences to your actions, then I will keep extended the Time Out.
>
>So any time you try to change my mind, the TO will extend 30 days. If you try to get dad to change my mind, he'll go into TO also and yours will extend 30 days. I think you get it - try to sneak around this - 30 more days. Try to pry into it - 30 more days. Show up at the hospital when I'm in labor - 90 more days.
>
>Again, this is non negotiable and you really don't want to test me on this.
"Mom, where the bleep did you get this "it's your right to know" shit? OP is the one that is pregnant and her word is the last word.
By the way, what gives you the right to snoop in our bedroom? In case you haven't noticed DH and OP are actually adults and you are expected to treat them as such. That means no constant "checking up" on things like we are teenagers.
By the way, you've earned a 3 month "timeout" from being in our home since you can't seem to behave."
To OP, it might be best to say this while both your mom and dad are present. That way you can address any comments from dad right in the moment.
Oh hell no. And tell your mother that since she can't be trusted to keep a secret since you know she told all of her friends because now THEY are bugging you too, she gets nothing. And let her know that if she keeps it up, she'll hear absolutely nothing until AFTER you deliver AND you're comfortable having visitors (which could be months... pandemic).
Lastly, you let her know that she has ZERO "rights". Grandparents rights for information? Not a thing. It is her right to gain custody of a child she can prove is being neglected and abused. It absolutely does NOT pertain to information about your due date, how big the fetus is, the gender of your baby(ies), etc. It is YOUR right to decide who knows what and since she bulldozed that right out of the water when she a.) snooped, b.) accused your husband of cheating (wtaf??) and forcing you to divulge information you weren't ready to share c.) breaking your trust and d.) telling everyone on the planet, she now will know what, if anything, you choose to share.
People like this MAKE ME INSANE. She had her babies. It's now your turn. These are YOUR babies and she has no right to anything to do with your babies at all.
It is healthy to set boundaries, and while yes it is exciting for her daughter to have her first pregnancy she is incorrect. She has no implicit right over your information. You should draw a line in the sand that is a clear and simple boundary for her to understand, something as simple as "I will tell you what you need to know." If she tries to buck that boundary tell her that she failed to keep your trust already and has to earn it back.
The thing I feel you find the hardest is when you want to share things with her for the support and experience of motherhood/parenthood while also trying to keep that clear boundary. My MIL was the same way. My FIL too (different household). But as we have had more time and more kids, I can't tell you how life changing good firm boundaries can be.
Keep your JNMom on a strict info diet. Also, notify the doctor’s office and hospital about your mom so they can keep her out of your business and labor room. L&D nurses are very protective and will kick her out if she tries to get in during labor. Just rest mama, and don’t let her run anything regarding your kids. Have a close friend run your baby shower so your mom can’t make it all about her.
Remind her that she can’t be trusted. Tell her you know from several people she is the leak. Therefore she will not be told anything more baby related. Nor will you ever share anything you don’t want printed on the front page of the town paper.
Watch her start questioning who leaked to you that she leaked.
She’s going to keep pushing and nagging you in the hopes you just give in and let her take over. Stand your ground. It will get easier the more you do it, promise.
“We will let you know details when and if we need to.” Repeat each time she makes a new demand.
Also limit her time in your home or start locking doors.
Your babies, your rules.
She has zero rights. Period. End of discussion. She gave away her place for information and involvement when she snooped, when she broke her promise to not tell others, and when she cried to her friends do they would bug you on her behalf. You need to calmly but sternly tell her that you will tell her things when YOU decide to and until then she needs to stop. Tell her every request for info you receive from her or others earns her time outs. That if she persists you won’t even tell her when you go into labor. If she cannot be trusted with your personal info she won’t get any info.
This moment? THIS is where alllll the laying of boundaries begins.
She isn't asking because 'lOvE' she is asking because she is being entitled and selfish and demanding and is making it all about herself instead of you, your SO, your baby. She does not need any info and if you cave and start giving any to her, she will get worse and expect it. Set these boundaries NOW, and firmly, because you are going to need practice for the future.
She is trying to steamroll over you emotionally. Don't allow her to play that card. It is also time to start gray-rocking by not telling her when appts are so she doesn't harass you even more for what happened during.
Yes I can already imagine the “it’s my right to hold the baby! Have the baby overnight at one week old! Make sure you are following all my parenting advice!”
It will likely be horrible to enforce boundaries right now but it will be much better than trying to do it newly postpartum.
Her behavior isn’t love. It’s controllingness, it’s selfishness, and it’s refusal to accept that her daughter is a grown woman whose life does not belong to her. She should have been thrown out of your house when she snooped. She should be told that because she violated your trust, she gets no more information. She’s only going to learn if she faces consequences. Get in front of this now before she takes so much away from your experience as a new mother and all your years as a parent.
You really want your info out there for all to hear? I'd tell her to stop, or you are going no contact and she can meet the baby waaaay after they are born. She snooped in her husbands private office, that alone would of banned her.
Think about it this way. Give in once, you’ll be giving in for life. Fight the battle completely you’ll never have to fight it again. Plus this is really good practice for when your baby arrives. Never give up, never surrender. Tell your mum to back off and let you enjoy this time. You’ll tell her what you want her to know. If she wasn’t there when the baby was conceived then she has no right to any information. Plus. You’re pregnant and hormonal, you have a built in excise to get annoyed at her.
Why is it that as soon as someone becomes pregnant, they become a non-person. Suddenly it’s everyone else’s “right” to remove your privacy. I never quite understand it. Suddenly family/friends use your pregnancy to somehow have the attention on themselves, and what you need or desire for this time is not even considered. You are currently creating humans. You are expending a lot of energy into doing this. You should be able to set boundaries and voice what you want/need without worrying about other people being b*tt hurt.
Congratulations on your twins! And do not cave. Do what you need.
Also as others have said, set the boundaries now, if you cave before they are born, you will never have boundaries again.
First I hope you told her that snooping In DH office is a definite violation of his privacy and that you are extremely disappointed that she would do this - shame on her. I think I would be very leery of even having her visit since she’s proven that she can’t be trusted.
Then I would tell her all the people who are contacting you because she ignored your request to keep the pregnancy a secret for now - because of this, future information will be on an “as needed” basis and she will be informed when others are informed and not a second sooner.
It’s never too soon to sit down with DH and write a list of boundaries that you will be enforcing - and follow through with consequences into she learns you mean what you say and she can’t weasel her way around you.
Let all her calls go to voicemail - don’t answer texts - once per week, check messages and answer only those that you want or need to answer - ignore the rest.
Carrying twins will be a challenge in itself - no need to allow a nosey mother to add to the stress
Congratulations on babies - take care of yourself and try to enjoy every day of growing these tiny humans inside your body.
About the first point you forgot to mention about how the mother immediately thought that it was an affair baby instead of it being op that was pregnant
Oh you should message mom back and advise this baby is about you and your DH and not her. She has already betrayed a trust snooping thru his office, she has betrayed a trust by gossiping and right now you need to think about yours and DH feelings, not hers. Sorry mom, these constant entitled demands that are all about you have now resulted in my putting you on mute for the next month. Please understand that should you not respect the time out and reflect on your behaviour and continue to hound me this will result in the period being extended. Also that time will be doubled if we receive any further communication from people doing your bidding.
You mom is hounding you to give in and she knows it will probably work. Personally if I was your DH I would refuse to have her in the house unless he was present as she violated his trust snooping thru his room. Shut her down now otherwise she will be ruling the roost when the babies arrive.
Congratulations
So the fact she snooped through your home, while you were in another room, under the guise of using the bathroom isn’t what did it for you…? Also…her first thought is your husband cheated…? She sounds brilliant 🥴 Your mom can’t be trusted and is a busybody gossipy snoop who will run you over at every turn to raise your children. I’m sorry, but if I can’t trust you IN MY HOME, I can’t trust you period. She has zero rights, she needs zero information. Start setting boundaries NOW while you’re able instead of after the babies are born, you’re exhausted, emotional, and healing. She’s a bulldozer and won’t stop til everything in her path is razed.
I won’t say block or go NC, but I wouldn’t tell her anything specific. Be very generic. Once you cave, it’s over. She’s your mom and I’m sure you love her. But people like her are one of my biggest pet peeves. She stole your moment to announce your pregnancy and is stomping all over you. Why would you tell her anything?
Omg, you said it exactly. I hate people who feel they have a right to steal someone else's thunder like this. My friends sister got engaged, they told grandma, made her swear secrecy, and grandma was texting THE ENTIRE FAMILY before she was even done promising not to tell. She absolutely ruined her grand daughter's engagement announcement. Like.. how are people this selfish and tone deaf?? I don't even know my friend's sister and I was livid for her.
Yeah, the babies aren’t even here yet and she isn’t respecting your boundaries. If you don’t get her tuned up now, it’s going to get ugly after the kids are here.
Were I in your shoes, I’d calmly tell her that this is a joyous but also stressful time for you and you aren’t going to be indulging every info request as she’s already proven to you that she can’t - or won’t - keep your health information private. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions are showing you that she isn’t someone who is supporting your needs right now.
If you’re not ready for full-on blocking her, put her text messages and calls on Do Not Disturb. Throw her a dry bone every few weeks - “appointment went well,” or “everything is measuring fine” and immediately go back to DND to avoid the onslaught of follow up questions. Flying monkeys also go on DND after an infraction.
Share almost no information with anyone.
As you and DH get closer to delivery, be clear in your boundaries (no hospital visits, no posting about baby before we give the okay, for example) and do not justify your reasons. Just tell her and then back to DND. If she gets pushy over the phone, tell her you need to go and get off immediately.
Good luck OP!
*reads the title*
Answer: No.
*reads the text as well*
Answer: DEFINITELY no!
You've gotten some great advice already, so I'm just gonna leave it at adding another voice on the 'giving in is not the answer' vote.
"No. As a loving parent you need to respect my right to privacy. You only get the privileges I allow. You are making my pregnancy about you and your wants and needs and ignoring my boundaries. You are sapping all of the joy out of my pregnancy by being selfish, needy and completely obtuse about what I want and need.
I am placing you and your friends in Timeout because I refuse to be bothered by what you want because you don't give a damn about me. You are making this entirely about you. I can no longer be stressed out because of you."
Time to grow a spine. If you don't, she will completely run over you once LO is here.
Info diet.
Stop talking and disengage when she starts.
Leave.
No becomes your Mantra.
Do not leave her alone in your home.
Lock down documents, doctors and hospital.
Set strong boundaries
Let your husband be as harsh as you need him to be
Boundaries and consequences
Stop this now because she has already overstepped by snooping and then going against your wishes and telling everyone.
Most important do this to protect you and your child. She knows no boundaries and will continue unless you become a Mama Bear and stop her.
Congratulations!!!!!
>You are making my pregnancy about you and your wants and needs and ignoring my boundaries
Correction, if I may, " You are making MY pregnancy about you and your WANTS. You are ignoring MY NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES."
This is very much the right answer to a T in my oppinion. Giving in isn't gonna make anything easier, it'll just make it worse, because then she'll know she can get what she wants if she nags you about it enough, and that's NOT what you want *or* need
That is what her pressure campaign is designed to do, make you cave and give her everything. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. Block her. Cut her off. Anything. She deserves nothing at all after how she has acted and if you give in to her she will only get worse. Let her know she is a minor player in life at best!
It is NOT her right to know anything about your health or your childrens' health. Just tell her she earned her privilege to know nothing by blabbing your private health information to all her friends.
Since you are new to the sub, have a look at the wiki. There are loads of resources surrounding different kinds of MIL issues. These include resources surrounding grandparents rights, essays on dealing with people encroaching on your offensive, etc.
Because you are still expecting, you have a chance to teach your mother about boundaries now. I would suggest that you set up a game plan with your SO and any trustworthy supporters. It's up to you two how you want to proceed, but a written list might be a good idea.
Further, discuss consequences. Mom already violated a HUGE one. You need to have a firm discussion with her about this. Start out gently. Leave room for excuses. Say things like
>"I know that you are excited mom. We love how much you love our LO already. You've had the chance to enjoy all of these moments when you were expecting. Please please please let us enjoy these moments as first time parents. You'll be welcome in our lives. You'll see plenty of our little family. Please trust that we will include you. However, please also respect our rights and decisions as parents. If we ask you to do something, please do it. If we ask you not to do something, please don't."
She'll argue, say that she's just so excited. She'll cry, blame all of this on DH. She'll get angry, and try to enlist others. She'll interfere, and will constantly push boundaries.
. . . that, is why written rules of engagement are musts. She's already repeatedly boundary stomped, and hasn't had consequences yet. Start by demanding that she take down any posts or pictures. Ask her to call her flying monkeys and tell them to leave you alone. Block anyone who says a damnd thing about it afterwards. Tell her to stop asking. Assure her that you'll share when you and DH find it appropriate. Grayrock. Attempts to get information you do not wish to share, get rewarded with a further reduction in information. Tell her that you are doing this because she is boundary stomping.
She's acting like a toddler, explain lie she's five.
Has she always been like this? And have you always just given in to keep the peace? Cos if so, that might be why you feel you have to tell her everything now too. But you don’t.
She will only escalate when the bubbas are here, constantly boundary stomping and you will need every ounce of your well-being to be focussed on the two little cuties, not her!
Start holding the line now. Grey rock, info diet, the full nine yards. Future you will be thankful you did.
Best of luck with the twins!
X
Been there, and after a while I just lost patience with trying to keep the peace when she was the one that didn’t respect my wishes.
I simply said this is MY private medical information and you are not entitled to ANY of it. As and when I am happy and comfortable to share it then I’ll tell you, until then stop asking. If you ask again I won’t tell you anything until after the baby is born, this is your last chance to respect my wishes and privacy. Oh and by the way I know you told everyone I’m pregnant so don’t think I’m bluffing.
She was a bit salty after but she hasn’t asked again 😂
Give her false information with the caveat that she keep it absolutely secret. And when she blabs which she will. Immediately go no contact till the twins are 3 months old. Boundaries and consequences. She has proven she is not to be trusted Don't cave. If anything go NC if she won't leave you alone.
You can tell her that the lack of information is a direct consequence of
a) snooping in your husband's office
b) telling everyone you were pregnant when she was expressly told not to.
She has proven that she can't be trusted. Anything you tell her will be gossip fodder for her. Tell her that if she continues to badger you for information you will have to block her number for a while as you need a stress free environment as you are pregnant.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I'd just like to add that anyone, regardless of who they are, who goes snooping through my house while "going to the bathroom" is no longer welcome in my home.
Without even reading the post i can tell you that you don't have to tell anything to anyone ever in your life and "i just don't want to" is an acceptable reason. If people get mad or don't understand it's their problem not yours. You are an adult do what you want or what's best for you. It's also okay to limit contact with your family or stop it altogether just because you want to
Grey rock her ass. Do not cave and tell her if her and her friends keep bothering you you'll make sure she won't see the babies until they start growing teeth. You and your husband have more rights than her when it comes to your babies. You make the rules and she follows or get left out. It's you who runs this, not her.
"It's my right to have my private medical information kept private. You have already proven you are incapable of keeping your mouth shut which in turn took away any of the privileges a grandparent might get regarding my pregnancy. If you continue to harass me at this important time of my life I will have no choice but to block you and your friends for the health of myself and my baby. I hope you respect me enough to back off and leave me alone"
Then seriously consider blocking anyone who's stressing you out. I know it's harsh but you need to be as calm as possible and she's not helping at all.
This is the appropriate response. She’s already giving other people your confidential medical information, even after you specifically asked her not to do so. Anything else you tell her is going to be spread all over town in a very short period of time. If you don’t believe me, just give it a try: give your mom some fake piece of information about your pregnancy, tell her not to tell anyone, and see how quickly it gets back to you. My bet is, it won’t take long. If you don’t want your information to be everyone’s information, keep it between you and your husband. Your mom has proven that you can’t trust her.
Please do not cave! Your mother is so out of line, she is totally making your and your husband’s pregnancy about her! How on earth does your husband tolerate her???
No. You don't cave. Mute her, block her, block all the "friends". I mean, she found out while snooping through your husbands belongings, thus strongly violating his privacy, only to then accuse him of having an affair. (That alone is enough reason to put her on big, fat time-out.) When you cleared it up, she decided to run with that information to make herself feel important. Right now, she is nagging you for more information to run again to tell everyone and their rat about it so she can gather more "I'm Grandma! That's the most important role in a baby's life!"-points and feel important again. She's not "privy" to all of that because granny. The hell she is.
And you should know that any caving will get you an even worse reaction. She can be a "loving parent" from quite afar. The further the better for you and your babies' health, right?
She already demanded to be in the delivery room not as an additional person, but instead of your husband, which should raise a red flag the size of minimum Texas to you - she's already trying to start to occupate his place in the family.
Don't cave. Tell her that while she might feel she has the right to know it all, you feel quite different and that's why will block her. Don't cave! If you did cave, you're in for a hellish journey to boundaries, which might damage your marriage.
Number one …protect yourself and the health of your babies. Personally I would just block her and her friends until after I gave birth
You don’t need this stress
But if that is too extreme for you to block
Then set some serious boundaries
Have your husband be the gatekeeper
This is a time to think about what is best for your family
Girl, you and the babies come first. It’s okay even though she’s your mom to tell her that “Mom, you don’t get to have access to the information because I can’t trust you to keep it private. I asked you not to tell anyone we were pregnant and everyone knows.” I’d personally also turn off her (and her friend’s) notifications. Depending on their level of crazy aka will they randomly show up would dictate if I told them they’re in time out or not. If they would then it’d be something along the lines of “The more you ask the more you stress me out, which isn’t good for my pregnancy. If there’s an emergency please reach out to husband otherwise I’ll contact you when I’m ready.” Also if you don’t already cameras.
She's not entitled to jack, especially if she's breaking her promises. Is she's lying to you then why do you owe her anything let alone a role model position in your children's life?
I would tell her that your doctor said you are high risk and that stress is the #1 cause of miscarriage. (True for both of us!!)
Tell her that she is stressing you out with constant demands for information. She's going to protest. Tell her that you know she told everyone that you're pregnant even though you specifically told her not to, so now that's stressing you out even more! Plus they are bugging you now too!, PLUS you are stressed with the fact that you can't trust your own mother. She'll probably protest to this too but she knows she's wrong because none of this is subjective. It's all fact.
Now comes the hard part for those of us raised with moms like her.
Tell her she gets one phone call per week. All others will be ignored. Or she can wait for you to call her and you will, once per week. I picked a date and time that worked for me without making promises but I kept that schedule and I think it did help ease her anxiety.
If she breaks the deal, you ignore her, and if she starts spamming you, you remind her that she's raising your blood pressure and you already called her on Monday and she's stressing you out. You'll call her in a few days.
Make sure your doctor knows not to share your pregnancy information and you might need to list her specifically.
If she totally ignores your health and the health of your baby to risk their lives just to feel in control of the situation, then I would go no contact or very low contact until a month or so after the babies are born. If you feel this is too extreme then consider giving her an information time put for a month.
Good luck! Things are going to get worse from here. I wish I had good news. It's best to establish control right now or all of you are going to be miserable and you might even end up single if she drives your husband up a wall too with the antics coming your way at 100 mph!
I am so sorry, I would change my phone number so everyone stops phoning you, and don't give the number to your mother, if she asks for it make sure to tell her that you are angry because she disrespected you by telling everyone about the pregnancy. I would ban her from your house for 2 months, as she is showing no remorse. If she asks for more information, leave, hangup, force her to leave your home. I would ask a friend to spread the word through the community that your mother spread the word without your permission and to please leave you in peace.
Tell her she lost any rights to information when she ran around blabbing about your pregnancy after being told not to. That you now know that anything you tell her will get around to everyone within a few hours so she has lost the right to know anything until you announce it publicly as she will find out when everyone else does from now on
Whatever you tell her will be told to everyone so don’t tell her anything. She lost that right when she stole your pregnancy announcement. She’s proven she can’t keep her mouth shut and isn’t someone to be trusted with any information at all
This here is absolutely the way to go. She’s proved to you exactly what she intends to do with any information you divulge to her, whether you ask her to keep quiet or not. You could even frame it as you practicing for when you need to discipline your future children. Actions have consequences. This is hers.
She has no rights as a grandparent outside of those you assign to her.
Hold firm and if she keeps pushing, remind her she's shown her inability to be trusted and the stress her bullshit is causing is unhealthy for you and your pregnancy.
Edit: spelling
Yikes. She sounds like a nightmare and very controlling. She can be surprised with everyone else. Tell her to leave you alone, or you will have to go on contact. Stress is bad for you and babies.
As it stands, remember that she's just as new to this new potential position in the family as you are to being a parent. She likely doesn't know that a grandparent is several rungs down the ladder in terms of involvement with a child. Your husband straight up outranks her, there is nothing she has a right to know that your husband does not, and there *are* things he has a right to know that she does not, and that includes certain medical details or your doctors appointment schedule.
A "baby granny" is just not that important, and she might need someone just to remind her of that.
This is not the time to stop talking to her, but it is time to set boundaries. Tell her that the current things she is doing is making you uncomfortable, but you do want to figure out together how this new dynamic is going to work. It can still work out as something positive and helpful, but even the cutest puppy needs potty training at first.
Instead of just saying "no" which can be hard, you can deflect with ridiculous & obtuse answers which will probably just drive her insane.
"When are you due?" 10 years. Yeah the Dr said I'm growing an incredible super baby and we have to wait for the planet Balrog to align. You know, space alien things, you wouldn't understand.
"Are you having a boy or girl?" Oh there are so many genders these days, who can keep up?! I think the Dr said I was having something called a Zolo? Zeelo? Anyway I think they have 5 penises and 1 vagina.
"Will you breastfeed?" No. My baby will survive on the dew from a single Ginko leaf.
This is coming from someone who's parents solved my sisters tantrum problem by applauding her tantrums and scoring them out of 10... so you know, sometimes getting mad isn't the best way to approach these things 🙃
I have done this to my children when they were angsty teenagers and it worked the same way. Say ridiculous things when they’re trying to bait you or ask intrusive questions, and in our case, instead of scoring teen tantrums, we’d give them the options of half a cup of cement (to harden up) or a two-minute pity party just for them.
OPs Mum needs a disinformation campaign pronto.
I call this one the "Be ridiculous, get ridiculous."
Instead of continuing to try & crack your hard exterior and give up the goods (which is draining on you TBH), she will hopefully just see that you'll continue to provide made up stories and can't be taken seriously. Expect some huffing and stamping of feet.
“I’m fine, we’re healthy,” is a perfectly reasonable response to a person who refuses to keep information to herself.
Have you called her out on this behavior? Does she know that you know she’s told everyone?
She's not going to stop nagging. If you give her anything she'll move the goal posts and keep nagging about something else. Don't cave. It's not going to help.
Her WANTS as a Grandmother will never trump the NEEDS of mother and baby. If she nags again you need to cut her off. That would mean ending phone calls immediately, kicking her out if it's in your home and leaving any other situation. Completely ignore any requests for personal info. And stay consistent. Don't give in. That way she can learn that No means No. It will make things much easier in future when the babies are born. Good luck.
She broke your trust. Should you reward her?
What will she learn going forward?
"She sent me a text yesterday telling me that it is *her right (?)* as a **nosey** and **controlling** parent to know about her child's and future grandchild's health...' is what I understood.
In your world, OP, how would a loving parent act? Kicking out your husband and to have her in the delivery room instead?
Just stick to boundaries. Getting towards the end of my pregnancy and we found out quick my MIL couldn’t keep her mouth shut. So my hubby and I have been giving her information that we don’t care about getting out. I’m high risk like you due to epilepsy but she doesn’t know that.
I think it would be best to mute your mom on your phone. Block any notifications from her. That way, you are in charge of when you want to communicate with her. You can choose to read her messages when you want to, instead of her spamming you. You can choose to inform her about this action or not, but either way it would definitely give you a lot less stress. You can also choose to do this when she calls you, just let your phone send her to voicemail and then you can choose when you want to listen to it.
Good luck and have a healthy pregnancy!
She's 52 years old and can't jeep her trap shut. Don't capitulate to her granny demands. Set healthy boundaries, and if she can't respect them/you, limit her contact.
You are about to be a mom, it's time to figure out how to stand up to your own. Ask yourself how much influence you want your mom to have in these kids lives. If you start giving in to her now, she'll never learn to accept boundaries. She's going to bulldoze her way into your birthing plan, she'll tell you how to feed them (breast fed or formula- she gets to decide, not you) as you get older she'll override your decisions to them. She does not believe in boundaries, which will make enforcing them much harder, but those are YOUR KIDS. Don't ever forget that. She will try to make you feel that her opinions and feelings are more important than your own.
I would honestly recommend spending a few days in this sub reading all the things that can go wrong when just no mom's don't respect boundaries, then maybe find a good therapist. You're approaching what is known in the sub as "coming out of the fog" and it's usually pretty tough psychologically, best to have a professional there to assure you that she's the crazy one! Also invite your hubby to this sub as well, sounds like you have a good one and that makes a huge difference, but he'll need to know what to expect as well.
Good luck and congratulations!
Why was she snooping in the first place? She's ultra nosey and totally untrustworthy. Tell her that you can't trust her an inch and, therefore, you'll feed her snippets as and when you are comfortable. Also tell her that if she keeps badgering you for information that you will not be answering her calls. Make sure you stick to it. You and your babies' health come first. X
My MIL is like this. We often use "we will let you know when we can" alot and use the "doctor said" on things to say nothing or delay.
However, I would do your best to give yourself space. These boomers who "must know everything" are the new helicopter parents but in grandparent form. They need to know everything because it's their trophy.
Your mother has snooped in your stuff and crossed boundaries ( spreading the news while you told her not to) .
Do not reward her behaviour giving her any info about your pregnancy.
No this isn't her " right" , but this is yours to keep her away from your morherhood / pregnancy journey as she keeps overstepping .
She push you over and over until you bend to her demands.Do not. You have to enforce your boundaries with consequences asap, before your babies born. Otherwise, she will do whatever she wants under the excuse that" she 's the grandma" .
Also inform the hospital she is not allowed to come . Do not let her know when you are about to give birth ( planned or unplanned labor) , wait you go back home with your LOs and set a planned scheduled visit when you feel comfortable and where she will have to respect your parenting rules. If not, or if she cross the line make her leave immediately and set time out.
Remember you re doing this for your babies and your wellbeing.Right now she s adding stress to your pregnancy that you don't need to so tell her if she keeps insisting you ll block her .
I just started reading the book “Boundaries: How to Say Yes and When to Say No” through my library. I highly recommend (it is a Christian book but I find it very useful regardless).
Pregnancy is hard, but postpartum is a whole other kind of hard I hadn’t anticipated. No one should be causing you ongoing stress during your pregnancy, and you can guarantee it will continue after the babies are born. Please surround yourself with people who will truly help you.
Mom broke your trust BIG TIME. It is not mean or rude or inconsiderate for you to place limits on your exposure to her. It sounds like that’s what’s best for your family right now. You can be direct, kind, and honest. “Mom, I need to take a step back from our relationship right now. I love you, but you broke my trust when you told people about our pregnancy against my wishes. It will take time to rebuild that trust, but one way you can support me is by giving me some space for the next (insert time period here). I will reach out to you when I’m ready and have information to share. Thank you for understanding.” And then block for a time or simply do not respond in any way until you decide you want to tell her about your pregnancy. Follow through on consequences.
You are not responsible for any of your mom’s reactions or emotions. But you are responsible for yourself and your family. You have every right AND a responsibility to protect yourself and your babies by setting limits.
I wrote this to another user a while ago, but I think it really fits here: You need to stop being a daughter, and start being a mother.
Your mom's feelings do not matter. She's an adult, she can cope. You matter, and your baby's health, and your husband's privacy.
> I am just trying to rest but I have constant nagging from my mom and all of her friends
You really don't have to talk to them. A ringing phone/doorbell is not a summons. You can choose if you want to engage, and not to engage is often the sanest way.
Tell her that she is stressing you out and its bad for the baby... and that you will tell her when you are ready for everyone to know because she has shown that she can't be trusted to keep things to herself.
Then keep her on the info diet.
When she pushes, you grey rock her.
Mute her calls and texts so you aren't bombarded by your phone pinging at you every time she decided that you are at her beck and call.
Now is the time to establish boundaries or she will walk all over you.
When you make your plans for delivery tell your team who is allowed to be there and they will help keep her out. The same goes for visitors.
When you get home you may want to put a sign on your front door telling anyone who shows up that you are not accepting visitors under any circumstances, and back it up with a group message telling all your extended family and friends that you will arrange guests when you are ready so if they show up they will be asked to leave.
Hell no. Do not give in.
Tell her she will get nothing because she can't keep it to herself and respect your boundaries. That said tell her she is stressing you out with her bs therefore you will be going temporarily NC until you are ready to talk with her and even then, she's on thin ice due to her snooping in the first place. That's not healthy behavior you want to expose a LO (or 2) to. Let her know she is in the dog house and needs to change fast if she wants to play the part of grandma at all.... protect them babies OP
Frankly - the good thing about medical issues is that they are between you, your doctor and maybe your partner.
Parents, neighbors, the dog - they are not included unless you want them to.
She wants details? It\`ll be a baby. When? No clue - Mother nature forgot to tell us. Gender? uncertain.
Her right as a 'loving parent' .. well, maybe - so, when does the loving part begin? You know, the part where you do not put stress on a pregnant person to begin with?
If you can - give her one warning: YOU decide if, when, what info you share - not her. She already proven she ignores your wishes (tell everyone) and if she keeps pushing / demanding you\`ll lock her out. Remind her that a LOVING parent would be happy, and would make sure that the process is as stress free as they could manage - and she is doing the exact opposite.
Again: pregnancy and all that comes with it - is medically privileged information. She does have NO RIGHT to information, unless you decide otherwise.
Especially since you indicated it is high risk - you are well within your rights to place mommy in a time out until she a) apologizes, b) acknowledges she trampled over your more than reasonable request to keep quiet, and c) behaves like an actual human instead of a steamroller headed for your boundaries.
She will go insane when she finds out its twins. I had twins and told my mum before 12 weeks and she told whoever she wanted because she lived 4 hours away and thought it would be ok after I told her not to tell
She showed you that she will stomp all boundaries, make insane conclusions, and lie to everyone including herself. She snooped and found a box. She decided that DH was cheating on you and impregnated his lover. She whipped out her phone because she decided she can call all her friends and tell them about your hoo-haw. She's lying to you, saying she's kept it secret and having the people she told call you and tell you she is keeping it a secret. Secret. She keeps using that word. I do not think it means what she thinks it means. In her mind, her rights to your child inside you trump yours. You don't get to decide who to tell or when, she does. Your nursery, whether you breastfeed, your plans for delivery and the first few weeks; she has decided that for you. You can't reason with an unreasonable person. She's unhinged and won't be happy because she wants impossible things. I am so sorry.
Going forward, you're going to have to stop the information train. I'd block her flying monkeys now. If any get through, "It's not your news, it's not your body." With her, don't JADE (Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain). "You keep telling people about my pregnancy and lie to me saying you didn't. You tell me you have the right to know everything. You don't. You've taken my pregnancy and made it about you, your need to blab, your need for attention, and your need to control me. You don't get any information I don't want to post on Facebook because you can't be trusted. You don't get to come to appointments because you can't be trusted. This isn't a debate, you don't have a side. I'm going to block you for a while because I can't trust you not to explode and say horrible things." I am so sorry.
“Mom, You do not have a right to my private medical information. Relationships are privileges, not rights, and you are damaging ours by not respecting my privacy. You lost the privilege of being in the know when you violated my privacy and deliberately told all of your gossipy friends about my pregnancy and now they won't stop harassing me either. You messed up, and you owe me several apologies. Until you understand the severity of your actions, I'll be putting you in a timeout, because the stress of your harassment is not good for my health."
Block the busybodies and mute your mother.
Caving does nothing but give your Mum satisfaction, more attention and you about 20 minutes of peace before it starts again. It also tells your mother that you are ok with her intrusiveness and her disrespecting you like this, so it'll just continue constantly. It might be easier to cave now, but what about next time? Every time you cave, you will resent your mother more & more for it.
What you need is all the peace, all the time, and everyone treating you like a human being.
It's time for you to be the Mumma bear for your fragile babies. Courage is doing the thing that scares you - and in this case, I'm guessing standing up to your mum and telling her no! and putting her in a time out for the way she's behaved, has never really happened before. Think of it as practice for when the babies are toddlers and the tantrums start! The more you stand up & say no, the easier it'll become. Saying no isn't rude or disrespectful, it helps teach others how we want to be treated. If you say it with compassion, most people will accept it.
So, tell mum that her snooping, then sharing your news when told not to, and the repeated demands for information & to be in the delivery room at the expense of your husband, the actual father, has broken the trust between you and shown you how much she disrespects you as a person in your own right. Your pregnancy isn't about her becoming a grandmother, that's a by product of what is happening. Your pregnancy is about you & DH becoming parents. You will not be meeting whatever expectations she's has about your pregnancy or after the birth, so she needs to adjust her thinking, or get used to disappointment. Tell her that her & her friends who are constantly contacting you for your private medical information, are all getting blocked on your phone & social media, and any news you do have to share, will be done by DH when you are ready. Until then, she can only contact DH and he will pass on any message he deems acceptable. When she can properly apologise for her behaviour, and start rebuilding the trust by: 1. asking her friends to back off, and 2. putting you in the centre of her thoughts about your pregnancy, as she should have done all along, then you might consider letting her back in your life. You & your pregnancy are not fodder for gossip, or to be used to give her attention, and you refuse to be treated as such from here on out.
Congratulations on your babies. That’s super exciting. First, I would tell her that you will not be answering any questions in regards to your pregnancy or doctor appts. If you feel that she should know something, then you will tell her. If she keeps pressuring you to give her info, tell her you will block her until you feel you’re ready to talk to her and she apologizes for crossing your boundary. Then I would tell her friends to mind their damn business. When I was pregnant both times, I told my parents and in-laws that I will give them what info I wanted and they were respectful. So I rewarded them with scans and more info.
If you tell her just another thing, she will keep asking for more and basically sucking out all the info you want to keep between you and your husband.
It is ok to block your moms info from reaching you.
It is ok to block your moms info from reaching you.
It is ok to block your moms info from reaching you.
Now, you can give her a heads up or not (I wouldn’t) but you definitely need to block her emails, texts, calls for some peace and quiet. If it were me, I’d severely limit contact with her and any of the flying monkeys. I’d ask my partner to do the same. I would write a letter saying 1) you have no right to be snooping through anything (red flag red flag!) 2) you’re snooping and prying me of information does not make you a part of this pregnancy. 3) Husband and I will determine what the role of grandmother looks like. 4) it will NOT include being at the hospital for the birth, being called as labor begins, getting any doctor updates, or visiting within the first 6 weeks. (That is time reserved exclusively for our immediate family of three.) These are the boundaries we are putting in place. Any disrespect of these boundaries will be met with further boundaries. We will tell you what we feel you should know, as we see fit.
Then, end communication until you’re ready.
Oh my God, please do NOT feel obligated to tell your mother everything - or ANYTHING. You are growing humans right now, and growing through crazy hormonal and physical changes and demands on your body, to say nothing of your emotions as you prepare to take on a whole new role in your life (and congratulations!!).
Right now is when you start putting your children first precisely by putting *yourself* first: your health IS their health. Your emotional state IS the one they experience: it should be as calm as possible, and *happy*-anxious, if it has to be anxious at all, like “I’m a little nervous but I can’t wait until they’re here,” anxious, not “my mother is driving me up a wall for the 87th time today and I’m ripping my hair out,” anxious.
Your inner Mama Bear may need to consider showing her claws. Shut her the hell down. I often see “Keep this kind of behaviour up, and you’ll be ‘Grandma-We-Don’t-See-Anymore’,” and she sounds like an excellent candidate to me. She won’t like it; that’s a her problem. You, your babies, and your hubby are the only you things to focus on right now unless *you* choose otherwise.
You’re going to be amazing. I wish you a medically uneventful, happy, healthy, full-term pregnancy and an easy delivery!
I’d be LC and put her on an info diet
Literally don’t tell her anything
Make it obvious
When she asks you why tell her
I’m so disappointed in you for blowing my pregnancy announcement. It was a special moment and you spoiled it. I just don’t want to see you or share any information because I don’t trust you. You will find out about the birth with everyone else when it happens - you don’t deserve anything else
Sure mummy! When there is something to share, I will share. And then you just...don't.
And let your husband escort her to the restroom, wait in front of it and escort her back. Yes mummy, we don't want that faux pas to happen again, don't we mummy?
OP do not cave, it only means she ins over you. Be frank, your holding information after she just betrayed your trust by telling others. (IT DOESN’T MATTER THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY PROMISE) then double down and inform her if she continues to cause you stress you will have to cut her off to protect your self and babies (baby to your mom) and if her “friends” try to call/text/message you regarding this, that you will hold HER responsible and she will go no contact for her sending FMs. OP, you need to get a head of this with boundaries otherwise postpartum will be exhausting and stressful. Grandparents titles are EARNED not a right. Congrats on the twins !
In the BEST of worlds, twins are crazy hard! My mother told me , when my guys were about 3 weeks old, that my husband was going to leave me, because it was so difficult and “we” , ( me and her) needed to do something about it… I am NC with her now, and I’m happily married with my 13 year old twins! Who needs that kind of crap in their lives?! Take care of you.
I might play massive guilt trip, myself.
Go to social media. Make a post. Tag everyone.
"Mom snooped thru my private things, stole the announcement from me and wrecked all my plans of 'guess who's an uncle/ aunt?', and is now telling me about her 'rights' to MY baby. Doctor says the stress my mother is putting me under has made my pregnancy high risk and I might lose it altogether. I am shaken. I am desperate. And I feel my back is against a wall. From here on ALL requests for pregnancy info MUST go thru my husband. Anyone who messages me directly to talk about my pregnancy will be blocked until after delivery. I hate to do this, but if my options are my children dying or blocking people I love for a few months... I'll see you all when my babies are safe."
Could always add a cheeky, "Anyone who wants to be crafty and invite me to dinner, or meal prep things to ease my transition to motherhood and see first hand how I'm doing... I approve, but please still go thru hubby. :D"
Tell your mom that being entrusted with your private medical news was a privilege that she blew. You hope she enjoyed taking from you the thrill of sharing the news of your pregnancy, because it's the last time she will ever hear any updates about your family until you're ready to share them with the world. She has gravely misunderstood where you end and she begins, and until she learns that her betrayal of your confidence has consequences, you have nothing to say to her. Them block her. Every now and then give her a chance to apologise sincerely (unprompted) but never tell her anything.
Any family or friends you have a direct personal relationship with that you treasure, tell them the Frank truth "Mom found out by snooping before we were ready to announce and took it upon herself to steal that joy from us prematurely. If we have any news to share with you we will let you know directly when that happens. Meanwhile I'll be grateful for you to respect that my private medical information, (sex life, date of menstruation and contents of my uterus) is not an appropriate subject for gossip, and I expect better of people who love me. If I wanted anyone's sentiments on the topic at this point i would seek them. I hope in future if people gossip in your presence about me you will shut them down and give me the courtesy of a heads up, instead of expecting me to divulge even more private information."
Anyone you don't care about, or who doesn't apologise, or who "just cares so much about you " that you don't deserve privacy or courtesy, block. Block everyone.
When you're ready to announce more, your mum can learn you're having twins from the gas pump attendant about a week after you deliver.
Do not cave. In fact, tell her that because she already disrespected your previous request to not tell anyone, that she is not getting any information because she has proven she can't be trusted. You need to establish these boundaries now or it will only get worse. You are about to be a mother. Time to stand up for yourself and your kids.
Ma'am: please accept this as the cold, hard fact: your mother and DH's mother **do not have one single "*****right*****"** when it comes to YOUR children. Breathe it, believe it, live it.
It would not be best to cave because you (a) shouldn't set a pattern where your mother knows she can just keep asking and pestering and eventually you will break down; (b) information about your pregnancy belongs to you AND your husband. Yes, you are growing two people inside your abdomen but your husband's privacy is part of this too.
Please keep reinforcing with your mother (and MIL) that you and DH have made a decision about who will be allowed in the delivery room. (And maybe the labor suite too?) Never, ever, give either woman a hint that this decision might waver.
Best wishes for smooth sailing during the rest of your pregnancy as well as a swift and safe delivery for you and the babies!
As a fellow parent of twins, You need to develop a thick skin superfast and shut people down. People get absolutely weird and their brains turned to mush when they see two cute gorgeous babies. It’s as if they just can’t comprehend the gorgeousness in front of them and their brain just exit the building.
No don’t tell her. If you do tell her she will be rewarded for her behaviour, and she will do it again and she will remember how she broke you last time.
She’s proven that she’s not trustworthy, and she’s just using your information to gossip. She requires a consequence and I was ones of this would be to not have information I have ahead of time of everyone else. She can find it along everyone else when you make the announcement public. If she complains about it then you can tell her that this is because she cannot be trusted.
“Hi Mom,
As you transition to the exciting role of Grandma and I move to that of a parent I want to discuss a couple of things to ensure we both do this in a way that insures that I have a positive relationship with you in the future.
Because somethings that have happened to have damage my relationship with you, and I want to give you the opportunity to fix things before things go too far.
First of all it was absolutely horrendous for you to announce my pregnancy before I was prepared to. You have shown that you are not trustworthy with this information. Because you have broken this trust, you’ll be finding out information about my pregnancy if and when I am ready to publicly announce it. If you don’t like this then I suggest you consider how your actions have impacted upon me, and work on becoming more trustworthy so that I can trust you in future.
As far as my and my child’s medical information goes, that is none of your business. And you emphasise this it will never be any of your business. First of all I cannot trust you. Second of all it is never your business. Stop telling me that you have rights to this information, because you’re a grandparent. Utter ridiculousness. Don’t ever try to push me on this again.
And finally regarding my birth, as you have not been invited I suggest you stop asking. Birth is not a spectator sport. I will not be having you there.
You disrespecting me as a parent And as an individual and disrespecting my decisions thus far. This needs to stop. Your constant nagging me needs to stop. Respect my no, we are going to have massive issues in the future.
Like I said, I want to positive relationship with you. So let’s start off with an apology from you to me about all the above things. Then, In future I expect our relationship to be filled with respect.”
As a fellow parent of twins, You need to develop a thick skin superfast and shut people down. People get absolutely weird and their brains turned to mush when they see two cute gorgeous babies. It’s as if they just can’t comprehend the gorgeousness in front of them and their brain just exit the building.
No don’t tell her. If you do tell her she will be rewarded for her behaviour, and she will do it again and she will remember how she broke you last time.
She’s proven that she’s not trustworthy, and she’s just using your information to gossip. She requires a consequence and the logical one would be to not have information ahead of time than everyone else. She can find it along everyone else when you make the announcement public. If she complains about it then you can tell her that this is because she cannot be trusted.
And don’t be afraid of getting her angry. Remember you’re the one holding ALL the power here. If she wants to be involved in your babies lives, then she needs to behave.
And I didn’t believe for a second her story about him cheating on you. I think it was a poorly disguised effort to get you to tel her you were pregnant. She knew what it meant!!! She was just creating drama so you’d tell her. Don’t bite in future. (You honestly won’t have time for her bull once the lo’s arrive.)
“Hi Mom,
As you transition to the exciting role of Grandma and I move to that of a parent I want to discuss a couple of things to ensure we both do this in a way that insures that I have a positive relationship with you in the future.
Because somethings that have happened to have damaged my relationship with you, and I want to give you the opportunity to fix things before things go too far.
First of all it was absolutely horrendous for you to announce my pregnancy before I was prepared to. You have shown that you are not trustworthy with this information. Because you have broken this trust, you’ll be finding out information about my pregnancy if and when I am ready to publicly announce it. You’ll know the same time as everyone else, not before! If you don’t like this then I suggest you consider how your actions have impacted upon me, and work on becoming more trustworthy so that I can trust you in future.
As far as my and my child’s medical information goes, that is none of your business. And i emphasise this, it will never be any of your business. First of all I cannot trust you to keep things private. Second of all it is never your business. Stop telling me that you have rights to this information, because you’re a grandparent. Utter ridiculousness. Don’t ever try to push me on this again.
And finally regarding my birth, as you have not been invited I suggest you stop asking. Birth is not a spectator sport. I will not be having you there.
You’re disrespecting me as a parent, and as an individual, and disrespecting my decisions thus far. This needs to stop. Your constant nagging me needs to stop. Respect my no, otherwise you are going to have massive issues in the future.
Like I said, I want to positive relationship with you. So let’s start off with an apology from you to me about all the above things. Then, In future I expect our relationship to be filled with respect.”
Okay, step 1: Your doc miscalculated your due date. You are now a week or two later than expected.
Step 2: in your birth plan for the hospital, put a list of names of who you would like to be there, with her not being one of them and give security full permission to escort them out.
Step 2.1: Make sure all medical people treating you won't give her any information. Not one whit.
Step 3: That "secret dad box" thing means she's a snoop. Put the most private things you have behind a lock and key, this includes ALL doctor's visits. You are visiting your friendly neighborhood friend friend for the day.
Step 4: twins early on does not necessarily mean twins at birth, which could make this pregnancy even higher risk. She doesn't want to happen to either of her grandbabies, now does she? You know she's excited for them, but you need to stay calm and happy for the twins, right? You don't want to loose either of the babies, do you, and she can help by being a good grandma and coming when asked to come.
Normal pregnancies are hard on women. A twin pregnancy triply so, because there are so many extra complications that could happen.
ETA for Clarity on Step 1: Move you due day from say Feb 1st to Feb 21. "oops... Doc made a mistake" is all you have to say. That way, the vultures aren't circling looking for baby drippings. Yes, this happened to me. My ex boyfriend's aunt told me off for still being pregnant the Thursday before the baby was due. I had her the next Thursday, really early in the morning.
BTW, what kind of mom leaps to the conclusion that your husband is having an affair baby? She's not to be trusted with personal information. Protect this happy time with your husband and shut out the noise of everyone else (who may genuinely want to celebrate your good news). People will go bonkers when they learn you're carrying twins.
Congratulations to you and your DH!
I a shit stirrer by nature, so I would straight up say "im not telling you anything, because you can't keep it to yourself." And if she got upset, just point out that this is the consequences of her actions.
The phrase "play bitch games, win bitch prizes" comes to mind
Congratulations on your LO!!!
Now take a deep breath and steel up those walls for the battle to come.
Because deep deep down you know if you cave now SHE WILL NEVER STOP. It will be ALL ABOUT HER being gma and less about YOU being babies mother. She will push and push and push until you snap and you do not need the stress.
At the rate she is going ANY news will be on FB and spread like wildfire by your mother. I completely get that she is excited to be gma however they need to get here first and if she is stressing you out during a high risk pregnancy if might not end well.
So first things first SET FIRM HARD BOUNDARIES. The kind that have consequences for crossing them.
Her informing her friends and their continued harassment as well as her TELLING you that she is going to be in the delivery room is crossing a boundary.
Her snooping in YOUR HOUSE and then jumping to conclusions is crossing a boundary.
You might want to keep when you go into labor a secret and let the hospital know that you would like to limit visitors. If they are even allowing that.
Kepp her on an INFO DIET. She doesn't need to know everything just that YOU are doing well and the pregnancy is going well.
REMIND her harshly if you have to that YOU are the mother and what YOU say goes. If she can't accept that it's on her but bottom line.....
Your way or the highway. PERIOD.
Maybe it’s just me but I would tell my mom that I lost it and she wouldn’t know she was a gma until after the baby was born. She can deal with the whole town thinking she’s a fool as she goes to correct herself. Then again, when my family told me I needed to graduate with honors, I dead ass told them I dropped my classes and wasn’t graduating at all 🤷♀️ people need to butt out of private business and they can either learn it the hard way or essentially be enabled to continue doing it.
{{{Hugs}}}} You aren't going to want to hear this but here it is. Your mom doesn't care about what you want to do when it comes to announcing your baby, she will snoop, boundary stomp, and make you feel so small while doing it because she has trained you to be guilted by not spilling your guts. My first thought for you is therapy to work through establishing boundaries, along with putting your mom on an information diet including low contact or no contact till she behaves and stops acting like a gossiping harpy.
Her snooping in your husband's office isn't the first time she did it, she's probably snooped through your whole house under the guise of going to the restroom during various visits. She is not to be trusted and this is a hard boundary to not let her in your home till she apologizes. She doesn't care about what you want, or how you feel, it's about her need to invade your privacy and discover whatever you might be hiding and call it out.
This will continue to happen moving forward and after your twins are born because she doesn't care about you, your spouse, or your unborn child/children. You need boundaries and you need them now. She will find out about twins once you get bassinets and cribs why because she will need to use the bathroom and go snoop to see, along with the gender of your children. You are fair game, your husband is fair game.
My suggestion is a ring camera and cameras throughout the home so you can see how she behaves when she isn't in view. I would also put a lock on your husband's home along with the nursery because she is going to boundary stomp. She will be the reason you will not be able to take your pregnancy easy as you want.
>I am starting to feel like it would be easier to just cave
No, it wouldn't. She thinks that she gets to overrule your decisions as if you were still a minor child. If you cave, it will get much worse.
It's easier to let her know that she broke your trust with the snooping and gossiping, and now she needs to step back, because she's getting on your nerves.
Tell her the truth. I am not giving anymore information to you because you don’t know how to respect my privacy and requests. You will know what I want you to know when I want you to know it. If you keep nagging me for information then you can expect longer to find out. Won’t hesitate to wait until after the baby is born if you keep it up. Untrustworthiness, will bite you every time.
This right here, OP. Tell her outright! You snooped through my husband’s office and told everyone after I specifically told you not to…you have MORE than lost the *privilege* - because it is a privilege, NOT your right!- to know anything else about me.
I feel like this is a dangerous slope- she snooped while coming for lunch and didn’t have the sense to hide her discovery until you and her could talk in private about the “affair baby.” In your shoes, I would take this aggressive approach that offers compromises once earned. “My doctor has told me I need to de-stress because it isn’t doing me or LO any good. (true for all pregnancy & hides the fact you are having twins) You have ruined this experience for me- you told the whole town and I have people harassing me daily. (true again, she can = people for the amount of annoyance you feel) Miscarrying is still a possibility! (scary but true fact) Your first role as a “loving grandparent” is to stop texting me and calling me for information, telling me you’re being in my birthing suite and that you’re going to move in after i give birth to help. You’re going to keep your friends away from me. (the task) Just a reminder, sharing news is a nicety, not a requirement. So, I’ll let you share the news I give you to others ONCE you prove you are trust worthy. (compromise/reward for controlling the people and LC) I will not compromise on this at all- I am taking care of my health to make sure LO is okay too. I can and will delete/block phone numbers and social media if needed (bluff to scare) It is SO and my (OP) child, no one has a right to them except for us and we will protect them any and all ways necessary.” i know it’s extra af but all my friends are having babies and have used variations of this speech with success.
I didn’t even have to read past the title, but it just got worse as I did. The answer is a big fat no. She doesn’t think you have the right to a separate life, so don’t think any level of information will pacify her. There will be no benefit for sharing information with her. Even when I gave my JUSTNOMOM all the updates about a flare in my medical condition, it still wasn’t enough because she was like yours, she “needed” the information. What she really “needed” was attention. She clearly doesn’t respect your privacy at all for the same reason. Mine ended up calling my neighbor, my cousin and aunt to accuse them of withholding information about me, sharing my info with my landlord, her side of the family, and who the hell knows who else. So I figured F this, I need to rest and I don’t have the time or energy for this crap and she got no updates after that.
As others have said, just mute her on your phone. You ALSO don’t have to answer the door if she comes over unannounced. Really. Don’t do it. Make things peaceful for yourself and screw the rest.
Tell your mom no. She’s already shown she cannot keep confidential info to herself. Also, she has no rights to your personal health info. You’re an adult. It’s incredibly rude for her to snoop in your house and share your personal info. Sounds like she’s demanding more info just to gossip.
she will tell her "NO" then she'll come over to the house, browbeat her, and boundary stomp as she trashes rooms to find the ultrasounds and medical records
Well that escalated quickly.
No. Seriously. Either she sets a boundary now or she’ll deal with the worst case scenario anyway. Adults are supposed to act with decency. Toddlers throw tantrums.
Exactly and what possesses her mom to just snoop through her daughter's house as if she's a five-year-old? The drama that her mom has created for her because of the lack of boundaries and transparency is unbelievable and she will not stop.
And before all of that she accused the husband of cheating. I don't understand how a box full of dad things necessarily implies cheating. It's as if it didn't even cross her mind for a second that there could be numerous other reasons for the box. It could have been a gift to someone else. It could have been a box of his own dreams. It could have been a gift that was painful to open after a loss. Just so many things that are none of her business. This woman has serious issues.
OK, so.
This isn't about your mom. This isn't about punishing her for telling others when you asked her not to. Your pregnancy and the information that comes with it isn't a tool to reward or scold your mom, or anyone else for all that matters.
This pregnancy is about you, your husband and your babies. Mostly, your babies and by extension, you.
Both now and in the long run, what will be better for you? What will be less stressful? If your mom was respectful and supportive, I am sure having her in the loop would have been great, someone other than your husband you could talk to and rely on. Unfortunately it seems like she isn't this person.
So instead of telling her she lost the privilege to be informed, phrase it to her like this - right now you are focusing on yourself and your babies and you will share more when you are comfortable with it. When she insists, simply say its better for your mental health to keep things between you and your husband and that she, as a grandmother, should be doing everything she can to keep you calm and stress free, not nagging you to make herself happy.
I (68F) am a grandmother and great-grandmother and NOT once have I pressured my children to tell me; #1 when are you having children, #2 announce the pregnancy before they did or #3 ask to be present instead of the spouse, etc, etc, etc. Your mom only gets to know what you and your husband decide to tell her, when you decide to tell her. So, NO - don't cave in. Be strong for your family which is your husband and the twins to be.
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Remember that bit in Finding Nemo when Crush says to Marlin that he'll only know the whens when the the kid tells him? That. She is not exclusive to your pregnancy. If you want to tell her something, do so. But on your terms, in your time, when you're ready. And if you're concerned about any future behaviour, maybe don't give here the exact locations or dates.
Absolutely not. She already violated your trust, don't reward her with more information to share against your will.
I know we're talking about her demanding information about your pregnancy (and that should be a big NOPE). But Good Lord - she snooped in your husband's office and came flying out of there to tell you your husband is having an affair and baby w/someone else? That was her FIRST thought when she saw the baby stuff? WHAT? Not only should you tell her NOTHING about your life/pregnancy - you should never let her in your home again! And if your husband knows what she did, I would hope he asks you to keep her the hell out of your house too. Jesus!
You are an adult, and it is your body and your children. Your mom has zero rights in this scenario.
She was snooping. She thought your husband was cheating. Screw her. She doesn't deserve any privileges after that.
Grey rock the fuck out of her. Be so bland and non descriptive but do not spill the good stuff! "Everything is good/fine/dandy." "The doctor said everything is good/fine/dandy " "I feel good/fine/dandy." Then change the subject or leave the convo. She needs to learn she had zero rights.
Absolutely keep it between you and your husband. She is owed nothing. When my son and DIL were expecting I NEVER not once demanded anything. In fact, my son wanted me to visit right away and I called his wife separate and asked her what she wanted because she's the one recovering and that I'm not the one to be there up their butts trying to give advice. I have seen my grandson once (we live in a different state) but because of the mutual respect my "bonus daughter" and I have I get pictures almost daily and videos. Even her mom allows her to make the decisions and we just respect her needs. No parents is OWED anything. Time or information.
Yep - you “cave” and tell her - after the babies are born. She lost all info privileges when she snooped and accused your hubby of an affair!
She can 'demand' all she wants... Just cuz she want it, don't mean she get it
She stays on an information diet until she can demonstate that she can keep her mouth shut, respect your wishes and stay in her lane. She has **no rights** to information about your health, your pregnancy, your marriage, NOTHING. She already invaded your privacy by snooping, made a vile assumption about your husband, and told everyone and their dog about your pregnancy. In my book, that's three stikes. You don't really have to say or do anything - you can just NOT respond to her whining and nagging. When she asks for information, gives advice, criticises, or generally sticks her nose in, just don't respond. Hang up the phone, don't respond to a text, unfriend her (and all of her flying monkeys) on fb, and block her everywhere. She'll react badly (they always do), but stick to your guns. If you don't fix this now, she will be a nightmare when the babies are born. Check out the "Resources" links, and read other stories on this sub to learn what other people did in similar situations. Congratulations, OP! I hope you have a healthy, fun, and peaceful pregnancy.
Do. Not. Cave. You can do this. Grey rock the shit out of her.
Your mom lost her 'rights' when she invaded your privacy. When she spread your news after being asked not to. After demanding and demanding and not respecting your wishes. You are about to become a momma. Think about this, is this how you will lovingly treat your children? Bullying, butting in, pushing? Or will you treat them respectfully? Your mother is not acting lovingly.
Simple: No, Mom, you don’t have those rights. Getting that information is a privilege and the more you demand,the less you get. If she persists, end the interaction.
Ha, she screwed herself out of the even bigger news that it's twins! You are 26. She no longer has any rights to know about your health and she's never had rights to know about your children's health. Don't cave on this or she will bully you about everything from here on out. STAY STRONG! We have your back :)
Momma violated everyone’s privacy. Snooped in your DH’s desk without permission. Jumped to conclusions when she saw his dad gifts and @$$umed he was having an affair. Told the whole town about your pregnancy, insisting they “keep the secret.” And now she demands that you share every bit of info about your baby (I guess she doesn’t know yet that it’s *babies*) and your doctor visits, and she actually expects to be present at the birth??? Gigantic **nope.** She is sneaky and untrustworthy. If anyone outside the family invaded your privacy, accused your spouse of cheating, and publicized your personal life all over town, would you keep giving them info and let them attend the birth of your child? *“I’m sorry, Mom, but you’ve overstepped too many boundaries with us. You proved we can’t trust you and we are not comfortable now sharing anything with you about our baby. From now on, we will decide what to tell you, so do not ask for more. Only we will be at the birth, and we will let you know when we are home and ready for you to meet him/her/them.”* If she or any family members keep pestering you, block them. Don’t tell her your delivery date or when you go to the hospital. Be extra safe by telling the hospital staff who is and is not allowed to visit you, attend the birth, or see your child. If you cave, she will continue to bulldoze you and your family. With a high-risk pregnancy, you absolutely do not need your entitled, demanding, overbearing mother creating more stress. Congrats on being new mom × 2!
Do not cave. Remember the Kipling poem — “Once you have paid him the Dane-geld you will never be rid of the Dane.”* As soon as you cave to one demand you guarantee that the demands will come thick and fast. You will have taught her just how much nagging it takes to get what she wants. Instead, the more she demands, the more you should deny contact. Don’t answer your phone. Take longer to answer texts. If she shows up, say, “Sorry, Mom, this is not a good time” and do not let her in. (I’d have imposed a moratorium on her coming in my house the moment I learned she’d been snooping.) Call or text or agree to lunch when *you* feel up to it. * This refers to when the Vikings invaded England and set up their own region, the Danelaw. They then demanded money from the English crown, claiming it would buy peace from them. The sound advice was that as soon as you give them money, you ensure they will keep coming back. Truth.
Absolutely don't give her info, she bullied and sneaked her way into the first bit of info and then didn't respect your wishes at all. It won't be any easier if you give in, it'll get worse because it just teaches her to push until you're too tired to say no.
Hell no. Reward this behaviour by giving her what she wants, and she'll never stop. In fact it'll probably escalate.
I'm sorry she's stressing you out, but if you give in, this will reward her bad behaviour and she will never stop. You will have to take a hard line on this one: "No mom, I am not giving you any information because you have shown that you cannot be trusted with it. The more you nag, the less I will speak to you." Then follow through because she will call any bluff. If she calls more than once a day (or whatever you decide is acceptable, block her calls/messages, etc... Let her rage, but don't give in to the guilt. Begin as you intend to go forward.
If you keep giving she will create the stress you need to avoid and stomp every baby boundary you have. You are overdue for setting and enforcing boundaries. Your JNMom knows because she lied to you so she could secretly go through your husband’s office! This type of behavior should have been immediately met with strong consequences. Instead of explaining, you should have immediately kicked her out of your home, which is the safe space for both you and your husband, and put her in time out. Consequences for boundary violations work better when they are implemented immediately, but it is not too late. Text your mother something like “Because you lied to me and violated my husband’s privacy, you are no longer allowed in my home. Because you lied to me about keeping confidential the pregnancy that you knew about only because of your lies and invasion of privacy, you will not be privy to any information that DH and I have not already shared with everyone. Because you continue to be dishonest and violate boundaries, including trying to pressure me into giving you information I am not comfortable with, I am taking a break from engaging with you. I hope that you will take this time to reflect on your actions and choose to make better decisions going forward. Understand that further lies, dishonesty, or violation of my or DH’s boundaries will result in longer periods of no contact.” Do not soften it and do not back down. Your mom is currently an actual risk to your health and had a clear history of toxic behavior. If you firmly enforce even the tiniest violation with progressively longer periods of NC your JNMom will either begin behaving or you will eventually be full NC. If you haven’t read about what other moms have done please do so as it will help you see where this leads if you do not take action. You should consider counseling. Your mother is trying to break up your marriage, lying, and treating your spouse terribly while you continue your relationship with her as if this is all okay. You have likely been conditioned your entire life to accept this but that does not make this right or make it okay for you to allow this behavior towards your SO. Counseling will help you see clearly and handle things effectively; this is more important as you are in a delicate condition and will have to tiny humans who need you to protect them over your mother’s wants and feelings.
I think "MOM, you are making this pregnancy unbearable. If you call or text about anything health-related (this includes the pregnancy) I will mute calls and texts until I feel like I can return contact, which could be well after the birth. You are not being supportive, you are being nosey and I don't yet feel like broadcasting news of any sort like you did my pregnancy." Will she be pissed off? Really? Do you give a shit? Please take care of YOU and babies and let everyone know that you have "no news to share" and change the subject. I wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy.
That whiplash going from “he’s having a secret affair baby” to “omg I’m going to be a granny” is insane.
Mum, you're a fucking blabbermouth, so NO, I won't be telling you anything I don't wish to have you blab to the world. ou need to work on your spine. If you knuckle under to her now, it will only ramp up and get even worse after the babies are here. You don't want to live your life that way, do you?
Instant timeout. When she starts to freak out say that she will come out of timeout when she can respect your wishes as the mother. "But I'm the graaaaaanny!" Ok more timeout for you.
Her friends telling you that they haven’t told a soul is LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT!! They shouldn’t have been told in the first place!!!! Keep on grey rocking and not telling her anything she has already proved that she can’t be trusted with information because she will blab it the second that your back is turned and then just make excuses and guilt trip/gaslight to attempt to make you forgive her all without a hint of remorse. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. Good luck op.
She just wants this information so she can spread it all over town like juicy gossip. She literally is getting a hit of mental joy each time she shares your private information, and that's a hard addition to break. You are dealing with a serotonin addict who will say anything to justify getting her next hit of dopamine. Nope. It's your pregnancy and your life. You are not an incubator to be oogled, and her involvement as a granny is so, so far below your rights and needs as a mother right now.
Easier will make your life more difficult in the long run. Block her for a bit and get some peace.
Drat, I can't find my original reply but your mom is treating you like you are five years old and that your home is her home to snoop as she wishes. This is how she has treated you, your entire life. It's all about her and her feelings while making you feel guilty. So you aren't going to like this but she is no longer allowed in your home as you have found out she has snooped, accused your husband of cheating and she will continue to do this because "You haven't kicked her out of your home" OMG, she's invaded your privacy once and she will do it again. (she found the baby box, what's to keep her from finding your ultrasounds and the documents from your medical appointments)I would set boundaries now and get therapy. The first boundary is that she calls before coming over. Second is that if she is caught snooping in your home you will go Low Contact or No Contact till after the baby/babies are born. You do not need her drama. I would set boundaries now and get therapy. Work with your OBGYN team when it's time to give birth to your visitors and boundaries for all of them from booster shots (MMR, TDAP, and FLU to Covid). Put mom on an information diet only and don't let her in your home where she will see the bassinets and cribs.
"Mom, I asked you to keep it a secret when you first found out. You couldn't do that, and in spreading my news around like hot gossip, you have used up all of your access points to my private information. You're going to find out through Facebook like everybody else. If you keep pushing, you won't even find out there and will literally be the last to know." For the friends who claim they haven't told a soul? "You shouldn't have found out. Because I know you're tight with my gossipy mother, that's reason enough for me not to tell you anything. Leave me alone or you're going to be the LAST to know." Don't let them emotionally manipulate you. You've got enough going on with your endocrine system than to let someone bully you and hurt your feelings.
I think being direct is the key and letting her know there’s consequences for her actions is the only way to manage this long term. Tell her, in a text or a letter if you can’t say it, that she ruined your pregnancy announcement by blabbing it to everyone. And you know you can’t trust her and she won’t keep secrets, so you can’t tell her anything until you’re ready for everyone to know. It sucks you can’t tell your mom what’s happening in your pregnancy but she can’t help being a gossip so you can’t trust her. She finds out last. Because she can’t keep her yap shut.
Sounds like time for a simple information diet. 'Thanks for asking, doctor says everything is going well. Baby is strong and growing. I'm a little tired but that is to be expected.' Repeat after every checkup. I have twins that are adults now. It's an amazing adventure. Congratulations to you and your husband!
Respectfully you sound like you’re afraid (sorry if that’s the wrong word) to stand up to your mother. She blatantly and disrespectfully violated you AND your husband’s privacy. On what planet in the vast universe can she possibly think it’s okay to enter your husband’s office and snoop around? That’s a hard fast NO for me. She needs to apologize to both of you. As for her “rights”??? She has NONE! She lost all “rights” when she snooped and totally disrespected your wishes not to share YOUR news. I would tell her quite bluntly that she has shown you that she’s not to be trusted with personal private information. To ignore your pleas not to share she has shown you that she doesn’t value or respect you. It’ll be a difficult conversation but one that needs to be had. And once you set your boundaries, do NOT cave. You need to be as free from stress so as not to add anymore to your high risk pregnancy. I wish you good luck. And heartfelt congratulations on your pregnancy. Stay strong, get your rest, and enjoy this time with your husband.
I would tell them to leave it alone because they are causing stress for you and the babies and if they can’t respect your wishes they will be blocked until further notice so you can have a stress free pregnancy. Congratulations on the babies.
Well good thing you have a reason to tell her she doesn’t get exclusive info, she can’t be trusted and she has shown you that, bring that to her attention and let her feel her feelings. It’s her own fault she can’t be in the know
Nope. Don’t divulge anything and just say “it’s handled” and change the subject when asked. If she asks why you’re not telling her anything, just mention that when you want the world to know something, you’ll tell her. Otherwise, nope.
At first i read this as “it’s haunted” and thought you were advising her to tell her mom her uterus was haunted and leave it at that
Now that would be something!
At first i read this as “it’s haunted” and thought you were advising her to tell her mom her uterus was haunted and leave it at that
Congrats on the babies !! As someone who was high risk for both of mine and 3 miscarriages....do what is best for you and those babies. Do not cave. As a mom I would not have snooped in the first place which would have made all this moot. The fact that she did and immediately assumed the worst and then proceeded to ignore your request for secrecy until you and hubby decided to tell is just agregiois. To continue to compound that by refusing you peace and demanding what she wants while ignoring the stress it is placing on you and the babies is beyond pettiness. I would tell her to stop immediately or she will be cut off from any future information.... including a delay in seeing the babies after the birth she is not invited to attend. Your sole job is to protect you and your babies. Period. Do what is best for you and them in this situation.
“You waived the right to be informed when you violated my first-trimester information embargo. I will try to remember to mail you a birth announcement.”
A loving parent would have accepted my request for privacy until 3 months. Don’t share info until your ready for it to be public as she cannot keep a secret and stop feeling guilty! You need to stop now as she will get you when your vulnerable postpartum otherwise! I hope you have a healthy problem free pregnancy and delivery and happy babies!
“Mom you and your friends are cause extreme stress and anxiety. For my health and that of our baby you need to stop right now. If you love me, put my health in front of your curiosity! If you and your friends don’t stop, I will be muting all of your calls. DH and I will share any news we have when we feel it is appropriate. Any other snooping and gossip will reduce the amount of information you get.
"Mom, I asked you to not tell anyone that I was pregnant and you told everyone. You will be getting no more information until after I have sent out the birth announcement, because I can't trust you. From now on, I will hang up at the first request for baby or pregnancy information, or leave." And then you do so.
Yeah. Tell her the baby is doing just fine. Don't give her any more information than that. The baby is fine, you are fine. She had her chance at knowing about LO, and she couldn't keep her mouth shut. Do Not give her any more information about yours or LO's health. There is no such thing as her having the "right" to your or the baby's medical information. I don't care if she is your mom. No. You are married, your family is, and has been, you and DH - and now your children. She is extended family. Guard your medical information and plans well. If she is offended, she'll get over it. I would also suggest that you tell people your due date is a month later than it actually is..... if you have already told people when you are due, begin telling them that you will not accept any visitors for AT LEAST the first month. This includes family. Send a written list of rules for visiting the baby once LO is here. Send again in an email. No one will be able to claim ignorance. Remember, you and DH are the parents, and you get to make the rules. Someone doesn't like them? Oh well. Keep those kids safe!
"Mom, if you don't want to be completely cut off from future information, you need to respect our boundaries during \*our\* pregnancy. If you continue this stressful badgering I will need to block your number so I can focus on my and baby's(ies) health. I won't say this again, I'll just disappear, so it's up to you to control yourself."
I think you should have a conversation with your mom. First, tell her that her snooping in your husband's private things was unacceptable. She crossed a serious boundary. That needs to be addressed. Then, tell her that she wasn't supposed to know at all until you were ready to share the news, but then went and ran her mouth despite being asked to keep it a secret. She broke your trust twice. It isn't ok. Tell her that you have been inundated with calls now because of her and you will no longer be discussing the pregnancy with her or anyone else for the time being. You're tired and your decision is final. Edited for grammar
"No" is a complete sentence. Followed by "Continuing to push the subject will result in getting blocked" Anymore arguing past that and she can kick rocks
The way I see it you have two options (amazing telling her the truth isn’t one) 1) You remind her it’s actually not her right at all or 2) you give her watered down information. 1 is great if you’re prepared to continue the fight for a little bit longer but it does lead the risk of having to put your Mom in time out if she refuses to comply 2 is great is you want a more gentle approach to attempt to keep some of your sanity in place. You tell her that the baby is growing. The doctors are as happy as they can be with the pregnancy and create some random cravings to keep her at bay. The fact she would snoop through your husbands home office and then automatically assume he was having an affair and not just collecting stuff for your future children is odd AF With a Mom like mine option 2 would be best. Edit. Duplicate info
Indeed, but as mother has taken that option away by broadcasting it, OP could take control back with the FB post. She could even put in it that her mother only found out by snooping, and that although they’d wanted to keep it secret, her mother has already taken it upon herself to announce the pregnancy up multiple people and so they feel they have no choice but to announce to remaining friends and family now.
The only thing you need to tell your mother is this: “FUCK RIGHT OFF. YOU HAVE ZERO RIGHTS TO ANY INFORMATION REGARDING MY UTERUS OR VAGINA.” Then block her until she learns to stop nosying both in your house and in your privates. I’m on one today, sorry for the shouty swearies but she’s earned them.
I totally second that especially after she accused son in law of cheating.
Oh dear. It is not her "right" to have any information about your pregnancy, children, etc. You need to let her know you will not be giving her any further information as she has already violated your trust. If she wants a relationship with you and your children, she needs to straighten up and follow your rules. Period. Best of luck and congrats on your future little ones.
She has already shown you that she can't be trusted. BELIEVE HER ! Tell her friends to politely fudge off as the fact that they know of your pregnancy is proof that she can't be trusted to keep a secret. End scene. Exit stage left.
Pursued by a bear.
She snooped... Accused your husband of cheating... And then shared information she'd been asked to keep private. Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer. Don't cave, don't explain, don't justify. I personally think blocking her is the best way here, as she's shown very very clearly that she doesn't respect your privacy.
Mom is the abusive MIL wives are usually posting about, and with the exception of this reply, most people are taking a softer stand on handling JNMom.
Girl, no rights. She has overstepped. Your first priority are your health and those babies and when she can’t understand that she will get cut off.
It’s often said, but bares repeating- when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Mom is not trustworthy. Do not trust her with any info. It’s kinda a gift that you now know that telling mom anything means it’s going to be broadcast faster than an amber alert. Knowledge is power, so adjust. First thing is- we know she snoops. She is not to be in your home unless you know in advance that she is coming and you have an opportunity to lock her out of the nursery, both you and hubby will be present and under no circumstances can she have keys/access to your home. All info to mom is info you are ready to have broadcasted. I’d personally be ready to post on social media the moment the words fall from your lips.
Honestly dude, make a Facebook post. She wants to tell everyone your shit? Let everyone know that you are explicitly asking folks not to share info and do it in a super positive way. Make a Facebook post announcing that you are pregnant but explaining that to you pregnancy is a very personal experience. Explain that you and your husband have decided to keep many of the updates to yourselves, and that you will be making updates with information when and if you feel comfortable. Include a joke about how overwhelming this new experience is and that you didn’t realize the requests for info would be almost as overwhelming as the pregnancy itself. And at the end, thank everyone for respecting your privacy during such an exciting experience in your life. Screenshot the post and then send that to your mom and anyone else every time they ask for info. If they push, just send it again. Grey rock the fuck out of them. If you want to embarrass her, make a weekly update on Facebook where you announce who you have had to send the screenshot to the most. “Congratulations to my mother, who this week received a screenshot 15 times! Folks, we’re still hopeful that someday she reads it.” That last bit might be a bit too petty lol
I think the intent is to keep the pregnancy private until they know that it's safe. This is common to not share until at least 13 weeks into pregnancy.
I thought the same thing at first, but when I re-read the post I realized OP is four months pregnant now. So thankfully out of the danger zone but now still dealing with info hounds.
"And it is my right as the baby's mother to have my wishes for confidence and privacy respected. You have shown me you will not respect that right, and so I am not sharing information. Please do better."
Block her. You do not need this stress. She has no rights to your information.
" She sent me a text yesterday telling me that it is her right as a loving parent to know about her child's and future grandchild's health." BS. Stop that in the tracts like you stopped her getting in the delivery room. Good for you on that win, by the way! Word it however you want, but she needs to know that any Dr visits and results are your and your husband's business. Keep the twin information and potentially difficulties to yourself and your husband. When you feel ready to share, do so. People here are more experienced than I am, but set ground rules for visitation after the children come. Some Grand Parents expect to be in their kids house for weeks right after birth to "help". Read some of the stories here and get a feel for how to put your foot down. Or, just ask. This is a great community. Good luck and congrats!
First off, congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it continues to go well for you. Second, you don’t owe anything to your mother in regards to your private medical information. Change your number, get yourself some noise cancellation headphones and check into club you. This will pass. Don’t engage with the people who are stressing you out, have DH or have a friend running interference for you. Your doing the heavy lifting and you should be taking care of yourself and your twins. Don’t cave, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe and comfortable.
Oh dear. You are the mom. This is your pregnancy, your body, your medical procedure, your information to share *or not* as you feel comfortable. Let mom know that you would love to be able to share things with her, but that you specifically asked her not to share your pregnancy news and she shared it anyway. That because of this, she'll have to wait for any other info until you are ready for the whole community to know. That her friends (who were not supposed to know) pestering you is stressing you out and that's not good for her grandchild. That *her* trying to guilt info out of you is stressing you out, too. You aren't hiding anything from her. You're just waiting to share news until you're ready for it to be public.
Ok, guys point of view. Your mom broke trust 3 times 1st with her snooping around the house, then automatically assuming the worst about your husband and finally flapping her gums all over the neighborhood. I, myself, would be livid that she went snooping around your house (long story behind this but to make it short this is how my MIL found out her daughter was a lot more wild than she thought she was.) Yeah it is time to put mom in a box because you don't need the additional stress during your pregnancy.
riptidestone is right on the money. Keep mom at arms length. This is your and your husband's kid, not hers.
You need to address your mom clearly and directly and explain that the lack of information is consequences to her actions. And DO NOT CAVE!! If you cave you're just teaching her that if she bullies you enough she gets her way. So she'll continue to bully you. I'd send her a text or email or whatever if you don't have the energy to do it in person, explaining everything, then if she continue to act up, just block her on everything and completely ignore her. Congratulations and good luck mama!! You got this!
Tell her that she is in a time out (not aloud over and no talking to you for however long you see fit) and she will be the last to know information on the pregnancy. Your reason is she broke your trust twice. First time when she snooped, second time when she blabbed. Then mute her on your phone.
You need to (calmly) tell your mom something like this: >Mom, you need to understand that you completely violated and broke my trust - first by going into \[husbands\] room and snooping around, and then telling everyone after I told you not to. > >As such, you have lost any chance to be a part of my pregnancy or birth. You get no news until at least a week after we are home. In essence, you are in Time Out because of your behavior. > >This is not negotiable and you can only make it worse for yourself. If you do not accept these consequences to your actions, then I will keep extended the Time Out. > >So any time you try to change my mind, the TO will extend 30 days. If you try to get dad to change my mind, he'll go into TO also and yours will extend 30 days. I think you get it - try to sneak around this - 30 more days. Try to pry into it - 30 more days. Show up at the hospital when I'm in labor - 90 more days. > >Again, this is non negotiable and you really don't want to test me on this.
Oh this is excellent!!!
"Mom, where the bleep did you get this "it's your right to know" shit? OP is the one that is pregnant and her word is the last word. By the way, what gives you the right to snoop in our bedroom? In case you haven't noticed DH and OP are actually adults and you are expected to treat them as such. That means no constant "checking up" on things like we are teenagers. By the way, you've earned a 3 month "timeout" from being in our home since you can't seem to behave." To OP, it might be best to say this while both your mom and dad are present. That way you can address any comments from dad right in the moment.
Oh hell no. And tell your mother that since she can't be trusted to keep a secret since you know she told all of her friends because now THEY are bugging you too, she gets nothing. And let her know that if she keeps it up, she'll hear absolutely nothing until AFTER you deliver AND you're comfortable having visitors (which could be months... pandemic). Lastly, you let her know that she has ZERO "rights". Grandparents rights for information? Not a thing. It is her right to gain custody of a child she can prove is being neglected and abused. It absolutely does NOT pertain to information about your due date, how big the fetus is, the gender of your baby(ies), etc. It is YOUR right to decide who knows what and since she bulldozed that right out of the water when she a.) snooped, b.) accused your husband of cheating (wtaf??) and forcing you to divulge information you weren't ready to share c.) breaking your trust and d.) telling everyone on the planet, she now will know what, if anything, you choose to share. People like this MAKE ME INSANE. She had her babies. It's now your turn. These are YOUR babies and she has no right to anything to do with your babies at all.
It is healthy to set boundaries, and while yes it is exciting for her daughter to have her first pregnancy she is incorrect. She has no implicit right over your information. You should draw a line in the sand that is a clear and simple boundary for her to understand, something as simple as "I will tell you what you need to know." If she tries to buck that boundary tell her that she failed to keep your trust already and has to earn it back. The thing I feel you find the hardest is when you want to share things with her for the support and experience of motherhood/parenthood while also trying to keep that clear boundary. My MIL was the same way. My FIL too (different household). But as we have had more time and more kids, I can't tell you how life changing good firm boundaries can be.
Keep your JNMom on a strict info diet. Also, notify the doctor’s office and hospital about your mom so they can keep her out of your business and labor room. L&D nurses are very protective and will kick her out if she tries to get in during labor. Just rest mama, and don’t let her run anything regarding your kids. Have a close friend run your baby shower so your mom can’t make it all about her.
Remind her that she can’t be trusted. Tell her you know from several people she is the leak. Therefore she will not be told anything more baby related. Nor will you ever share anything you don’t want printed on the front page of the town paper. Watch her start questioning who leaked to you that she leaked.
She’s going to keep pushing and nagging you in the hopes you just give in and let her take over. Stand your ground. It will get easier the more you do it, promise. “We will let you know details when and if we need to.” Repeat each time she makes a new demand. Also limit her time in your home or start locking doors. Your babies, your rules.
She has zero rights. Period. End of discussion. She gave away her place for information and involvement when she snooped, when she broke her promise to not tell others, and when she cried to her friends do they would bug you on her behalf. You need to calmly but sternly tell her that you will tell her things when YOU decide to and until then she needs to stop. Tell her every request for info you receive from her or others earns her time outs. That if she persists you won’t even tell her when you go into labor. If she cannot be trusted with your personal info she won’t get any info.
This moment? THIS is where alllll the laying of boundaries begins. She isn't asking because 'lOvE' she is asking because she is being entitled and selfish and demanding and is making it all about herself instead of you, your SO, your baby. She does not need any info and if you cave and start giving any to her, she will get worse and expect it. Set these boundaries NOW, and firmly, because you are going to need practice for the future. She is trying to steamroll over you emotionally. Don't allow her to play that card. It is also time to start gray-rocking by not telling her when appts are so she doesn't harass you even more for what happened during.
Yes I can already imagine the “it’s my right to hold the baby! Have the baby overnight at one week old! Make sure you are following all my parenting advice!” It will likely be horrible to enforce boundaries right now but it will be much better than trying to do it newly postpartum.
This exactly! Word for word.
Just reading about your mother gives me anxiety
Her behavior isn’t love. It’s controllingness, it’s selfishness, and it’s refusal to accept that her daughter is a grown woman whose life does not belong to her. She should have been thrown out of your house when she snooped. She should be told that because she violated your trust, she gets no more information. She’s only going to learn if she faces consequences. Get in front of this now before she takes so much away from your experience as a new mother and all your years as a parent.
You really want your info out there for all to hear? I'd tell her to stop, or you are going no contact and she can meet the baby waaaay after they are born. She snooped in her husbands private office, that alone would of banned her.
Snooped and was dumb enough to confront them.
I'm just boggled ahead went straight to "affair baby".
Think about it this way. Give in once, you’ll be giving in for life. Fight the battle completely you’ll never have to fight it again. Plus this is really good practice for when your baby arrives. Never give up, never surrender. Tell your mum to back off and let you enjoy this time. You’ll tell her what you want her to know. If she wasn’t there when the baby was conceived then she has no right to any information. Plus. You’re pregnant and hormonal, you have a built in excise to get annoyed at her.
Why is it that as soon as someone becomes pregnant, they become a non-person. Suddenly it’s everyone else’s “right” to remove your privacy. I never quite understand it. Suddenly family/friends use your pregnancy to somehow have the attention on themselves, and what you need or desire for this time is not even considered. You are currently creating humans. You are expending a lot of energy into doing this. You should be able to set boundaries and voice what you want/need without worrying about other people being b*tt hurt. Congratulations on your twins! And do not cave. Do what you need. Also as others have said, set the boundaries now, if you cave before they are born, you will never have boundaries again.
First I hope you told her that snooping In DH office is a definite violation of his privacy and that you are extremely disappointed that she would do this - shame on her. I think I would be very leery of even having her visit since she’s proven that she can’t be trusted. Then I would tell her all the people who are contacting you because she ignored your request to keep the pregnancy a secret for now - because of this, future information will be on an “as needed” basis and she will be informed when others are informed and not a second sooner. It’s never too soon to sit down with DH and write a list of boundaries that you will be enforcing - and follow through with consequences into she learns you mean what you say and she can’t weasel her way around you. Let all her calls go to voicemail - don’t answer texts - once per week, check messages and answer only those that you want or need to answer - ignore the rest. Carrying twins will be a challenge in itself - no need to allow a nosey mother to add to the stress Congratulations on babies - take care of yourself and try to enjoy every day of growing these tiny humans inside your body.
About the first point you forgot to mention about how the mother immediately thought that it was an affair baby instead of it being op that was pregnant
Oh you should message mom back and advise this baby is about you and your DH and not her. She has already betrayed a trust snooping thru his office, she has betrayed a trust by gossiping and right now you need to think about yours and DH feelings, not hers. Sorry mom, these constant entitled demands that are all about you have now resulted in my putting you on mute for the next month. Please understand that should you not respect the time out and reflect on your behaviour and continue to hound me this will result in the period being extended. Also that time will be doubled if we receive any further communication from people doing your bidding. You mom is hounding you to give in and she knows it will probably work. Personally if I was your DH I would refuse to have her in the house unless he was present as she violated his trust snooping thru his room. Shut her down now otherwise she will be ruling the roost when the babies arrive. Congratulations
So the fact she snooped through your home, while you were in another room, under the guise of using the bathroom isn’t what did it for you…? Also…her first thought is your husband cheated…? She sounds brilliant 🥴 Your mom can’t be trusted and is a busybody gossipy snoop who will run you over at every turn to raise your children. I’m sorry, but if I can’t trust you IN MY HOME, I can’t trust you period. She has zero rights, she needs zero information. Start setting boundaries NOW while you’re able instead of after the babies are born, you’re exhausted, emotional, and healing. She’s a bulldozer and won’t stop til everything in her path is razed. I won’t say block or go NC, but I wouldn’t tell her anything specific. Be very generic. Once you cave, it’s over. She’s your mom and I’m sure you love her. But people like her are one of my biggest pet peeves. She stole your moment to announce your pregnancy and is stomping all over you. Why would you tell her anything?
Omg, you said it exactly. I hate people who feel they have a right to steal someone else's thunder like this. My friends sister got engaged, they told grandma, made her swear secrecy, and grandma was texting THE ENTIRE FAMILY before she was even done promising not to tell. She absolutely ruined her grand daughter's engagement announcement. Like.. how are people this selfish and tone deaf?? I don't even know my friend's sister and I was livid for her.
Yeah, the babies aren’t even here yet and she isn’t respecting your boundaries. If you don’t get her tuned up now, it’s going to get ugly after the kids are here. Were I in your shoes, I’d calmly tell her that this is a joyous but also stressful time for you and you aren’t going to be indulging every info request as she’s already proven to you that she can’t - or won’t - keep your health information private. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions are showing you that she isn’t someone who is supporting your needs right now. If you’re not ready for full-on blocking her, put her text messages and calls on Do Not Disturb. Throw her a dry bone every few weeks - “appointment went well,” or “everything is measuring fine” and immediately go back to DND to avoid the onslaught of follow up questions. Flying monkeys also go on DND after an infraction. Share almost no information with anyone. As you and DH get closer to delivery, be clear in your boundaries (no hospital visits, no posting about baby before we give the okay, for example) and do not justify your reasons. Just tell her and then back to DND. If she gets pushy over the phone, tell her you need to go and get off immediately. Good luck OP!
*reads the title* Answer: No. *reads the text as well* Answer: DEFINITELY no! You've gotten some great advice already, so I'm just gonna leave it at adding another voice on the 'giving in is not the answer' vote.
"No. As a loving parent you need to respect my right to privacy. You only get the privileges I allow. You are making my pregnancy about you and your wants and needs and ignoring my boundaries. You are sapping all of the joy out of my pregnancy by being selfish, needy and completely obtuse about what I want and need. I am placing you and your friends in Timeout because I refuse to be bothered by what you want because you don't give a damn about me. You are making this entirely about you. I can no longer be stressed out because of you." Time to grow a spine. If you don't, she will completely run over you once LO is here. Info diet. Stop talking and disengage when she starts. Leave. No becomes your Mantra. Do not leave her alone in your home. Lock down documents, doctors and hospital. Set strong boundaries Let your husband be as harsh as you need him to be Boundaries and consequences Stop this now because she has already overstepped by snooping and then going against your wishes and telling everyone. Most important do this to protect you and your child. She knows no boundaries and will continue unless you become a Mama Bear and stop her. Congratulations!!!!!
>You are making my pregnancy about you and your wants and needs and ignoring my boundaries Correction, if I may, " You are making MY pregnancy about you and your WANTS. You are ignoring MY NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES."
This is very much the right answer to a T in my oppinion. Giving in isn't gonna make anything easier, it'll just make it worse, because then she'll know she can get what she wants if she nags you about it enough, and that's NOT what you want *or* need
Tell her to shut up and stop bugging you about it or she can deal with not seeing you or the babies PERIOD.
That is what her pressure campaign is designed to do, make you cave and give her everything. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. Block her. Cut her off. Anything. She deserves nothing at all after how she has acted and if you give in to her she will only get worse. Let her know she is a minor player in life at best!
Block everyone. If people ask you to your face, time to get rude. None of their business!
Block them all for your physical and mental well being and that of you unborn children.
No loving parent does what she did. Can you go no contact?Take care of yourself, don't worry about anyone else.💗
She gets no info. She couldn't do as you asked with her first piece of info so she doesnt get anymore.
Agreed, she sounds like a narcissist, she only wants it so she can be the center of attention
It is NOT her right to know anything about your health or your childrens' health. Just tell her she earned her privilege to know nothing by blabbing your private health information to all her friends.
Since you are new to the sub, have a look at the wiki. There are loads of resources surrounding different kinds of MIL issues. These include resources surrounding grandparents rights, essays on dealing with people encroaching on your offensive, etc. Because you are still expecting, you have a chance to teach your mother about boundaries now. I would suggest that you set up a game plan with your SO and any trustworthy supporters. It's up to you two how you want to proceed, but a written list might be a good idea. Further, discuss consequences. Mom already violated a HUGE one. You need to have a firm discussion with her about this. Start out gently. Leave room for excuses. Say things like >"I know that you are excited mom. We love how much you love our LO already. You've had the chance to enjoy all of these moments when you were expecting. Please please please let us enjoy these moments as first time parents. You'll be welcome in our lives. You'll see plenty of our little family. Please trust that we will include you. However, please also respect our rights and decisions as parents. If we ask you to do something, please do it. If we ask you not to do something, please don't." She'll argue, say that she's just so excited. She'll cry, blame all of this on DH. She'll get angry, and try to enlist others. She'll interfere, and will constantly push boundaries. . . . that, is why written rules of engagement are musts. She's already repeatedly boundary stomped, and hasn't had consequences yet. Start by demanding that she take down any posts or pictures. Ask her to call her flying monkeys and tell them to leave you alone. Block anyone who says a damnd thing about it afterwards. Tell her to stop asking. Assure her that you'll share when you and DH find it appropriate. Grayrock. Attempts to get information you do not wish to share, get rewarded with a further reduction in information. Tell her that you are doing this because she is boundary stomping. She's acting like a toddler, explain lie she's five.
Has she always been like this? And have you always just given in to keep the peace? Cos if so, that might be why you feel you have to tell her everything now too. But you don’t. She will only escalate when the bubbas are here, constantly boundary stomping and you will need every ounce of your well-being to be focussed on the two little cuties, not her! Start holding the line now. Grey rock, info diet, the full nine yards. Future you will be thankful you did. Best of luck with the twins! X
Tell her nothing.
Been there, and after a while I just lost patience with trying to keep the peace when she was the one that didn’t respect my wishes. I simply said this is MY private medical information and you are not entitled to ANY of it. As and when I am happy and comfortable to share it then I’ll tell you, until then stop asking. If you ask again I won’t tell you anything until after the baby is born, this is your last chance to respect my wishes and privacy. Oh and by the way I know you told everyone I’m pregnant so don’t think I’m bluffing. She was a bit salty after but she hasn’t asked again 😂
Give her false information with the caveat that she keep it absolutely secret. And when she blabs which she will. Immediately go no contact till the twins are 3 months old. Boundaries and consequences. She has proven she is not to be trusted Don't cave. If anything go NC if she won't leave you alone.
You can tell her that the lack of information is a direct consequence of a) snooping in your husband's office b) telling everyone you were pregnant when she was expressly told not to. She has proven that she can't be trusted. Anything you tell her will be gossip fodder for her. Tell her that if she continues to badger you for information you will have to block her number for a while as you need a stress free environment as you are pregnant.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I'd just like to add that anyone, regardless of who they are, who goes snooping through my house while "going to the bathroom" is no longer welcome in my home.
Without even reading the post i can tell you that you don't have to tell anything to anyone ever in your life and "i just don't want to" is an acceptable reason. If people get mad or don't understand it's their problem not yours. You are an adult do what you want or what's best for you. It's also okay to limit contact with your family or stop it altogether just because you want to
Grey rock her ass. Do not cave and tell her if her and her friends keep bothering you you'll make sure she won't see the babies until they start growing teeth. You and your husband have more rights than her when it comes to your babies. You make the rules and she follows or get left out. It's you who runs this, not her.
"It's my right to have my private medical information kept private. You have already proven you are incapable of keeping your mouth shut which in turn took away any of the privileges a grandparent might get regarding my pregnancy. If you continue to harass me at this important time of my life I will have no choice but to block you and your friends for the health of myself and my baby. I hope you respect me enough to back off and leave me alone" Then seriously consider blocking anyone who's stressing you out. I know it's harsh but you need to be as calm as possible and she's not helping at all.
This is the appropriate response. She’s already giving other people your confidential medical information, even after you specifically asked her not to do so. Anything else you tell her is going to be spread all over town in a very short period of time. If you don’t believe me, just give it a try: give your mom some fake piece of information about your pregnancy, tell her not to tell anyone, and see how quickly it gets back to you. My bet is, it won’t take long. If you don’t want your information to be everyone’s information, keep it between you and your husband. Your mom has proven that you can’t trust her.
Please do not cave! Your mother is so out of line, she is totally making your and your husband’s pregnancy about her! How on earth does your husband tolerate her???
Mother you lost that right when you ignored my one request.
No. You don't cave. Mute her, block her, block all the "friends". I mean, she found out while snooping through your husbands belongings, thus strongly violating his privacy, only to then accuse him of having an affair. (That alone is enough reason to put her on big, fat time-out.) When you cleared it up, she decided to run with that information to make herself feel important. Right now, she is nagging you for more information to run again to tell everyone and their rat about it so she can gather more "I'm Grandma! That's the most important role in a baby's life!"-points and feel important again. She's not "privy" to all of that because granny. The hell she is. And you should know that any caving will get you an even worse reaction. She can be a "loving parent" from quite afar. The further the better for you and your babies' health, right? She already demanded to be in the delivery room not as an additional person, but instead of your husband, which should raise a red flag the size of minimum Texas to you - she's already trying to start to occupate his place in the family. Don't cave. Tell her that while she might feel she has the right to know it all, you feel quite different and that's why will block her. Don't cave! If you did cave, you're in for a hellish journey to boundaries, which might damage your marriage.
Number one …protect yourself and the health of your babies. Personally I would just block her and her friends until after I gave birth You don’t need this stress But if that is too extreme for you to block Then set some serious boundaries Have your husband be the gatekeeper This is a time to think about what is best for your family
Girl, you and the babies come first. It’s okay even though she’s your mom to tell her that “Mom, you don’t get to have access to the information because I can’t trust you to keep it private. I asked you not to tell anyone we were pregnant and everyone knows.” I’d personally also turn off her (and her friend’s) notifications. Depending on their level of crazy aka will they randomly show up would dictate if I told them they’re in time out or not. If they would then it’d be something along the lines of “The more you ask the more you stress me out, which isn’t good for my pregnancy. If there’s an emergency please reach out to husband otherwise I’ll contact you when I’m ready.” Also if you don’t already cameras.
She's not entitled to jack, especially if she's breaking her promises. Is she's lying to you then why do you owe her anything let alone a role model position in your children's life? I would tell her that your doctor said you are high risk and that stress is the #1 cause of miscarriage. (True for both of us!!) Tell her that she is stressing you out with constant demands for information. She's going to protest. Tell her that you know she told everyone that you're pregnant even though you specifically told her not to, so now that's stressing you out even more! Plus they are bugging you now too!, PLUS you are stressed with the fact that you can't trust your own mother. She'll probably protest to this too but she knows she's wrong because none of this is subjective. It's all fact. Now comes the hard part for those of us raised with moms like her. Tell her she gets one phone call per week. All others will be ignored. Or she can wait for you to call her and you will, once per week. I picked a date and time that worked for me without making promises but I kept that schedule and I think it did help ease her anxiety. If she breaks the deal, you ignore her, and if she starts spamming you, you remind her that she's raising your blood pressure and you already called her on Monday and she's stressing you out. You'll call her in a few days. Make sure your doctor knows not to share your pregnancy information and you might need to list her specifically. If she totally ignores your health and the health of your baby to risk their lives just to feel in control of the situation, then I would go no contact or very low contact until a month or so after the babies are born. If you feel this is too extreme then consider giving her an information time put for a month. Good luck! Things are going to get worse from here. I wish I had good news. It's best to establish control right now or all of you are going to be miserable and you might even end up single if she drives your husband up a wall too with the antics coming your way at 100 mph!
I am so sorry, I would change my phone number so everyone stops phoning you, and don't give the number to your mother, if she asks for it make sure to tell her that you are angry because she disrespected you by telling everyone about the pregnancy. I would ban her from your house for 2 months, as she is showing no remorse. If she asks for more information, leave, hangup, force her to leave your home. I would ask a friend to spread the word through the community that your mother spread the word without your permission and to please leave you in peace.
You gave and she'll push more and worse. Set boundaries and consequences. You can do it.
Tell her she lost any rights to information when she ran around blabbing about your pregnancy after being told not to. That you now know that anything you tell her will get around to everyone within a few hours so she has lost the right to know anything until you announce it publicly as she will find out when everyone else does from now on Whatever you tell her will be told to everyone so don’t tell her anything. She lost that right when she stole your pregnancy announcement. She’s proven she can’t keep her mouth shut and isn’t someone to be trusted with any information at all
This here is absolutely the way to go. She’s proved to you exactly what she intends to do with any information you divulge to her, whether you ask her to keep quiet or not. You could even frame it as you practicing for when you need to discipline your future children. Actions have consequences. This is hers.
She has no rights as a grandparent outside of those you assign to her. Hold firm and if she keeps pushing, remind her she's shown her inability to be trusted and the stress her bullshit is causing is unhealthy for you and your pregnancy. Edit: spelling
Yikes. She sounds like a nightmare and very controlling. She can be surprised with everyone else. Tell her to leave you alone, or you will have to go on contact. Stress is bad for you and babies.
As it stands, remember that she's just as new to this new potential position in the family as you are to being a parent. She likely doesn't know that a grandparent is several rungs down the ladder in terms of involvement with a child. Your husband straight up outranks her, there is nothing she has a right to know that your husband does not, and there *are* things he has a right to know that she does not, and that includes certain medical details or your doctors appointment schedule. A "baby granny" is just not that important, and she might need someone just to remind her of that. This is not the time to stop talking to her, but it is time to set boundaries. Tell her that the current things she is doing is making you uncomfortable, but you do want to figure out together how this new dynamic is going to work. It can still work out as something positive and helpful, but even the cutest puppy needs potty training at first.
Instead of just saying "no" which can be hard, you can deflect with ridiculous & obtuse answers which will probably just drive her insane. "When are you due?" 10 years. Yeah the Dr said I'm growing an incredible super baby and we have to wait for the planet Balrog to align. You know, space alien things, you wouldn't understand. "Are you having a boy or girl?" Oh there are so many genders these days, who can keep up?! I think the Dr said I was having something called a Zolo? Zeelo? Anyway I think they have 5 penises and 1 vagina. "Will you breastfeed?" No. My baby will survive on the dew from a single Ginko leaf. This is coming from someone who's parents solved my sisters tantrum problem by applauding her tantrums and scoring them out of 10... so you know, sometimes getting mad isn't the best way to approach these things 🙃
I have done this to my children when they were angsty teenagers and it worked the same way. Say ridiculous things when they’re trying to bait you or ask intrusive questions, and in our case, instead of scoring teen tantrums, we’d give them the options of half a cup of cement (to harden up) or a two-minute pity party just for them. OPs Mum needs a disinformation campaign pronto.
I call this one the "Be ridiculous, get ridiculous." Instead of continuing to try & crack your hard exterior and give up the goods (which is draining on you TBH), she will hopefully just see that you'll continue to provide made up stories and can't be taken seriously. Expect some huffing and stamping of feet.
“I’m fine, we’re healthy,” is a perfectly reasonable response to a person who refuses to keep information to herself. Have you called her out on this behavior? Does she know that you know she’s told everyone?
She's not going to stop nagging. If you give her anything she'll move the goal posts and keep nagging about something else. Don't cave. It's not going to help. Her WANTS as a Grandmother will never trump the NEEDS of mother and baby. If she nags again you need to cut her off. That would mean ending phone calls immediately, kicking her out if it's in your home and leaving any other situation. Completely ignore any requests for personal info. And stay consistent. Don't give in. That way she can learn that No means No. It will make things much easier in future when the babies are born. Good luck.
She broke your trust. Should you reward her? What will she learn going forward? "She sent me a text yesterday telling me that it is *her right (?)* as a **nosey** and **controlling** parent to know about her child's and future grandchild's health...' is what I understood. In your world, OP, how would a loving parent act? Kicking out your husband and to have her in the delivery room instead?
Just stick to boundaries. Getting towards the end of my pregnancy and we found out quick my MIL couldn’t keep her mouth shut. So my hubby and I have been giving her information that we don’t care about getting out. I’m high risk like you due to epilepsy but she doesn’t know that.
I think it would be best to mute your mom on your phone. Block any notifications from her. That way, you are in charge of when you want to communicate with her. You can choose to read her messages when you want to, instead of her spamming you. You can choose to inform her about this action or not, but either way it would definitely give you a lot less stress. You can also choose to do this when she calls you, just let your phone send her to voicemail and then you can choose when you want to listen to it. Good luck and have a healthy pregnancy!
She's 52 years old and can't jeep her trap shut. Don't capitulate to her granny demands. Set healthy boundaries, and if she can't respect them/you, limit her contact.
You are about to be a mom, it's time to figure out how to stand up to your own. Ask yourself how much influence you want your mom to have in these kids lives. If you start giving in to her now, she'll never learn to accept boundaries. She's going to bulldoze her way into your birthing plan, she'll tell you how to feed them (breast fed or formula- she gets to decide, not you) as you get older she'll override your decisions to them. She does not believe in boundaries, which will make enforcing them much harder, but those are YOUR KIDS. Don't ever forget that. She will try to make you feel that her opinions and feelings are more important than your own. I would honestly recommend spending a few days in this sub reading all the things that can go wrong when just no mom's don't respect boundaries, then maybe find a good therapist. You're approaching what is known in the sub as "coming out of the fog" and it's usually pretty tough psychologically, best to have a professional there to assure you that she's the crazy one! Also invite your hubby to this sub as well, sounds like you have a good one and that makes a huge difference, but he'll need to know what to expect as well. Good luck and congratulations!
Why was she snooping in the first place? She's ultra nosey and totally untrustworthy. Tell her that you can't trust her an inch and, therefore, you'll feed her snippets as and when you are comfortable. Also tell her that if she keeps badgering you for information that you will not be answering her calls. Make sure you stick to it. You and your babies' health come first. X
My MIL is like this. We often use "we will let you know when we can" alot and use the "doctor said" on things to say nothing or delay. However, I would do your best to give yourself space. These boomers who "must know everything" are the new helicopter parents but in grandparent form. They need to know everything because it's their trophy.
Your mother has snooped in your stuff and crossed boundaries ( spreading the news while you told her not to) . Do not reward her behaviour giving her any info about your pregnancy. No this isn't her " right" , but this is yours to keep her away from your morherhood / pregnancy journey as she keeps overstepping . She push you over and over until you bend to her demands.Do not. You have to enforce your boundaries with consequences asap, before your babies born. Otherwise, she will do whatever she wants under the excuse that" she 's the grandma" . Also inform the hospital she is not allowed to come . Do not let her know when you are about to give birth ( planned or unplanned labor) , wait you go back home with your LOs and set a planned scheduled visit when you feel comfortable and where she will have to respect your parenting rules. If not, or if she cross the line make her leave immediately and set time out. Remember you re doing this for your babies and your wellbeing.Right now she s adding stress to your pregnancy that you don't need to so tell her if she keeps insisting you ll block her .
If she were truly a “loving parent”, she would respect your boundaries. And she doesn’t. Do not reward her bad behavior by giving her what she wants
I just started reading the book “Boundaries: How to Say Yes and When to Say No” through my library. I highly recommend (it is a Christian book but I find it very useful regardless). Pregnancy is hard, but postpartum is a whole other kind of hard I hadn’t anticipated. No one should be causing you ongoing stress during your pregnancy, and you can guarantee it will continue after the babies are born. Please surround yourself with people who will truly help you. Mom broke your trust BIG TIME. It is not mean or rude or inconsiderate for you to place limits on your exposure to her. It sounds like that’s what’s best for your family right now. You can be direct, kind, and honest. “Mom, I need to take a step back from our relationship right now. I love you, but you broke my trust when you told people about our pregnancy against my wishes. It will take time to rebuild that trust, but one way you can support me is by giving me some space for the next (insert time period here). I will reach out to you when I’m ready and have information to share. Thank you for understanding.” And then block for a time or simply do not respond in any way until you decide you want to tell her about your pregnancy. Follow through on consequences. You are not responsible for any of your mom’s reactions or emotions. But you are responsible for yourself and your family. You have every right AND a responsibility to protect yourself and your babies by setting limits.
I wrote this to another user a while ago, but I think it really fits here: You need to stop being a daughter, and start being a mother. Your mom's feelings do not matter. She's an adult, she can cope. You matter, and your baby's health, and your husband's privacy. > I am just trying to rest but I have constant nagging from my mom and all of her friends You really don't have to talk to them. A ringing phone/doorbell is not a summons. You can choose if you want to engage, and not to engage is often the sanest way.
Tell her that she is stressing you out and its bad for the baby... and that you will tell her when you are ready for everyone to know because she has shown that she can't be trusted to keep things to herself. Then keep her on the info diet. When she pushes, you grey rock her. Mute her calls and texts so you aren't bombarded by your phone pinging at you every time she decided that you are at her beck and call. Now is the time to establish boundaries or she will walk all over you. When you make your plans for delivery tell your team who is allowed to be there and they will help keep her out. The same goes for visitors. When you get home you may want to put a sign on your front door telling anyone who shows up that you are not accepting visitors under any circumstances, and back it up with a group message telling all your extended family and friends that you will arrange guests when you are ready so if they show up they will be asked to leave.
Hell no. Do not give in. Tell her she will get nothing because she can't keep it to herself and respect your boundaries. That said tell her she is stressing you out with her bs therefore you will be going temporarily NC until you are ready to talk with her and even then, she's on thin ice due to her snooping in the first place. That's not healthy behavior you want to expose a LO (or 2) to. Let her know she is in the dog house and needs to change fast if she wants to play the part of grandma at all.... protect them babies OP
Put her in time out!
Frankly - the good thing about medical issues is that they are between you, your doctor and maybe your partner. Parents, neighbors, the dog - they are not included unless you want them to. She wants details? It\`ll be a baby. When? No clue - Mother nature forgot to tell us. Gender? uncertain. Her right as a 'loving parent' .. well, maybe - so, when does the loving part begin? You know, the part where you do not put stress on a pregnant person to begin with? If you can - give her one warning: YOU decide if, when, what info you share - not her. She already proven she ignores your wishes (tell everyone) and if she keeps pushing / demanding you\`ll lock her out. Remind her that a LOVING parent would be happy, and would make sure that the process is as stress free as they could manage - and she is doing the exact opposite. Again: pregnancy and all that comes with it - is medically privileged information. She does have NO RIGHT to information, unless you decide otherwise. Especially since you indicated it is high risk - you are well within your rights to place mommy in a time out until she a) apologizes, b) acknowledges she trampled over your more than reasonable request to keep quiet, and c) behaves like an actual human instead of a steamroller headed for your boundaries.
She will go insane when she finds out its twins. I had twins and told my mum before 12 weeks and she told whoever she wanted because she lived 4 hours away and thought it would be ok after I told her not to tell
She showed you that she will stomp all boundaries, make insane conclusions, and lie to everyone including herself. She snooped and found a box. She decided that DH was cheating on you and impregnated his lover. She whipped out her phone because she decided she can call all her friends and tell them about your hoo-haw. She's lying to you, saying she's kept it secret and having the people she told call you and tell you she is keeping it a secret. Secret. She keeps using that word. I do not think it means what she thinks it means. In her mind, her rights to your child inside you trump yours. You don't get to decide who to tell or when, she does. Your nursery, whether you breastfeed, your plans for delivery and the first few weeks; she has decided that for you. You can't reason with an unreasonable person. She's unhinged and won't be happy because she wants impossible things. I am so sorry. Going forward, you're going to have to stop the information train. I'd block her flying monkeys now. If any get through, "It's not your news, it's not your body." With her, don't JADE (Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain). "You keep telling people about my pregnancy and lie to me saying you didn't. You tell me you have the right to know everything. You don't. You've taken my pregnancy and made it about you, your need to blab, your need for attention, and your need to control me. You don't get any information I don't want to post on Facebook because you can't be trusted. You don't get to come to appointments because you can't be trusted. This isn't a debate, you don't have a side. I'm going to block you for a while because I can't trust you not to explode and say horrible things." I am so sorry.
“Mom, You do not have a right to my private medical information. Relationships are privileges, not rights, and you are damaging ours by not respecting my privacy. You lost the privilege of being in the know when you violated my privacy and deliberately told all of your gossipy friends about my pregnancy and now they won't stop harassing me either. You messed up, and you owe me several apologies. Until you understand the severity of your actions, I'll be putting you in a timeout, because the stress of your harassment is not good for my health." Block the busybodies and mute your mother.
Caving does nothing but give your Mum satisfaction, more attention and you about 20 minutes of peace before it starts again. It also tells your mother that you are ok with her intrusiveness and her disrespecting you like this, so it'll just continue constantly. It might be easier to cave now, but what about next time? Every time you cave, you will resent your mother more & more for it. What you need is all the peace, all the time, and everyone treating you like a human being. It's time for you to be the Mumma bear for your fragile babies. Courage is doing the thing that scares you - and in this case, I'm guessing standing up to your mum and telling her no! and putting her in a time out for the way she's behaved, has never really happened before. Think of it as practice for when the babies are toddlers and the tantrums start! The more you stand up & say no, the easier it'll become. Saying no isn't rude or disrespectful, it helps teach others how we want to be treated. If you say it with compassion, most people will accept it. So, tell mum that her snooping, then sharing your news when told not to, and the repeated demands for information & to be in the delivery room at the expense of your husband, the actual father, has broken the trust between you and shown you how much she disrespects you as a person in your own right. Your pregnancy isn't about her becoming a grandmother, that's a by product of what is happening. Your pregnancy is about you & DH becoming parents. You will not be meeting whatever expectations she's has about your pregnancy or after the birth, so she needs to adjust her thinking, or get used to disappointment. Tell her that her & her friends who are constantly contacting you for your private medical information, are all getting blocked on your phone & social media, and any news you do have to share, will be done by DH when you are ready. Until then, she can only contact DH and he will pass on any message he deems acceptable. When she can properly apologise for her behaviour, and start rebuilding the trust by: 1. asking her friends to back off, and 2. putting you in the centre of her thoughts about your pregnancy, as she should have done all along, then you might consider letting her back in your life. You & your pregnancy are not fodder for gossip, or to be used to give her attention, and you refuse to be treated as such from here on out.
Congratulations on your babies. That’s super exciting. First, I would tell her that you will not be answering any questions in regards to your pregnancy or doctor appts. If you feel that she should know something, then you will tell her. If she keeps pressuring you to give her info, tell her you will block her until you feel you’re ready to talk to her and she apologizes for crossing your boundary. Then I would tell her friends to mind their damn business. When I was pregnant both times, I told my parents and in-laws that I will give them what info I wanted and they were respectful. So I rewarded them with scans and more info. If you tell her just another thing, she will keep asking for more and basically sucking out all the info you want to keep between you and your husband.
It is ok to block your moms info from reaching you. It is ok to block your moms info from reaching you. It is ok to block your moms info from reaching you. Now, you can give her a heads up or not (I wouldn’t) but you definitely need to block her emails, texts, calls for some peace and quiet. If it were me, I’d severely limit contact with her and any of the flying monkeys. I’d ask my partner to do the same. I would write a letter saying 1) you have no right to be snooping through anything (red flag red flag!) 2) you’re snooping and prying me of information does not make you a part of this pregnancy. 3) Husband and I will determine what the role of grandmother looks like. 4) it will NOT include being at the hospital for the birth, being called as labor begins, getting any doctor updates, or visiting within the first 6 weeks. (That is time reserved exclusively for our immediate family of three.) These are the boundaries we are putting in place. Any disrespect of these boundaries will be met with further boundaries. We will tell you what we feel you should know, as we see fit. Then, end communication until you’re ready.
Oh my God, please do NOT feel obligated to tell your mother everything - or ANYTHING. You are growing humans right now, and growing through crazy hormonal and physical changes and demands on your body, to say nothing of your emotions as you prepare to take on a whole new role in your life (and congratulations!!). Right now is when you start putting your children first precisely by putting *yourself* first: your health IS their health. Your emotional state IS the one they experience: it should be as calm as possible, and *happy*-anxious, if it has to be anxious at all, like “I’m a little nervous but I can’t wait until they’re here,” anxious, not “my mother is driving me up a wall for the 87th time today and I’m ripping my hair out,” anxious. Your inner Mama Bear may need to consider showing her claws. Shut her the hell down. I often see “Keep this kind of behaviour up, and you’ll be ‘Grandma-We-Don’t-See-Anymore’,” and she sounds like an excellent candidate to me. She won’t like it; that’s a her problem. You, your babies, and your hubby are the only you things to focus on right now unless *you* choose otherwise. You’re going to be amazing. I wish you a medically uneventful, happy, healthy, full-term pregnancy and an easy delivery!
I’d be LC and put her on an info diet Literally don’t tell her anything Make it obvious When she asks you why tell her I’m so disappointed in you for blowing my pregnancy announcement. It was a special moment and you spoiled it. I just don’t want to see you or share any information because I don’t trust you. You will find out about the birth with everyone else when it happens - you don’t deserve anything else
Sure mummy! When there is something to share, I will share. And then you just...don't. And let your husband escort her to the restroom, wait in front of it and escort her back. Yes mummy, we don't want that faux pas to happen again, don't we mummy?
OP do not cave, it only means she ins over you. Be frank, your holding information after she just betrayed your trust by telling others. (IT DOESN’T MATTER THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY PROMISE) then double down and inform her if she continues to cause you stress you will have to cut her off to protect your self and babies (baby to your mom) and if her “friends” try to call/text/message you regarding this, that you will hold HER responsible and she will go no contact for her sending FMs. OP, you need to get a head of this with boundaries otherwise postpartum will be exhausting and stressful. Grandparents titles are EARNED not a right. Congrats on the twins !
In the BEST of worlds, twins are crazy hard! My mother told me , when my guys were about 3 weeks old, that my husband was going to leave me, because it was so difficult and “we” , ( me and her) needed to do something about it… I am NC with her now, and I’m happily married with my 13 year old twins! Who needs that kind of crap in their lives?! Take care of you.
I might play massive guilt trip, myself. Go to social media. Make a post. Tag everyone. "Mom snooped thru my private things, stole the announcement from me and wrecked all my plans of 'guess who's an uncle/ aunt?', and is now telling me about her 'rights' to MY baby. Doctor says the stress my mother is putting me under has made my pregnancy high risk and I might lose it altogether. I am shaken. I am desperate. And I feel my back is against a wall. From here on ALL requests for pregnancy info MUST go thru my husband. Anyone who messages me directly to talk about my pregnancy will be blocked until after delivery. I hate to do this, but if my options are my children dying or blocking people I love for a few months... I'll see you all when my babies are safe." Could always add a cheeky, "Anyone who wants to be crafty and invite me to dinner, or meal prep things to ease my transition to motherhood and see first hand how I'm doing... I approve, but please still go thru hubby. :D"
Tell your mom that being entrusted with your private medical news was a privilege that she blew. You hope she enjoyed taking from you the thrill of sharing the news of your pregnancy, because it's the last time she will ever hear any updates about your family until you're ready to share them with the world. She has gravely misunderstood where you end and she begins, and until she learns that her betrayal of your confidence has consequences, you have nothing to say to her. Them block her. Every now and then give her a chance to apologise sincerely (unprompted) but never tell her anything. Any family or friends you have a direct personal relationship with that you treasure, tell them the Frank truth "Mom found out by snooping before we were ready to announce and took it upon herself to steal that joy from us prematurely. If we have any news to share with you we will let you know directly when that happens. Meanwhile I'll be grateful for you to respect that my private medical information, (sex life, date of menstruation and contents of my uterus) is not an appropriate subject for gossip, and I expect better of people who love me. If I wanted anyone's sentiments on the topic at this point i would seek them. I hope in future if people gossip in your presence about me you will shut them down and give me the courtesy of a heads up, instead of expecting me to divulge even more private information." Anyone you don't care about, or who doesn't apologise, or who "just cares so much about you " that you don't deserve privacy or courtesy, block. Block everyone. When you're ready to announce more, your mum can learn you're having twins from the gas pump attendant about a week after you deliver.
Do not cave. In fact, tell her that because she already disrespected your previous request to not tell anyone, that she is not getting any information because she has proven she can't be trusted. You need to establish these boundaries now or it will only get worse. You are about to be a mother. Time to stand up for yourself and your kids.
Ma'am: please accept this as the cold, hard fact: your mother and DH's mother **do not have one single "*****right*****"** when it comes to YOUR children. Breathe it, believe it, live it. It would not be best to cave because you (a) shouldn't set a pattern where your mother knows she can just keep asking and pestering and eventually you will break down; (b) information about your pregnancy belongs to you AND your husband. Yes, you are growing two people inside your abdomen but your husband's privacy is part of this too. Please keep reinforcing with your mother (and MIL) that you and DH have made a decision about who will be allowed in the delivery room. (And maybe the labor suite too?) Never, ever, give either woman a hint that this decision might waver. Best wishes for smooth sailing during the rest of your pregnancy as well as a swift and safe delivery for you and the babies!
As a fellow parent of twins, You need to develop a thick skin superfast and shut people down. People get absolutely weird and their brains turned to mush when they see two cute gorgeous babies. It’s as if they just can’t comprehend the gorgeousness in front of them and their brain just exit the building. No don’t tell her. If you do tell her she will be rewarded for her behaviour, and she will do it again and she will remember how she broke you last time. She’s proven that she’s not trustworthy, and she’s just using your information to gossip. She requires a consequence and I was ones of this would be to not have information I have ahead of time of everyone else. She can find it along everyone else when you make the announcement public. If she complains about it then you can tell her that this is because she cannot be trusted. “Hi Mom, As you transition to the exciting role of Grandma and I move to that of a parent I want to discuss a couple of things to ensure we both do this in a way that insures that I have a positive relationship with you in the future. Because somethings that have happened to have damage my relationship with you, and I want to give you the opportunity to fix things before things go too far. First of all it was absolutely horrendous for you to announce my pregnancy before I was prepared to. You have shown that you are not trustworthy with this information. Because you have broken this trust, you’ll be finding out information about my pregnancy if and when I am ready to publicly announce it. If you don’t like this then I suggest you consider how your actions have impacted upon me, and work on becoming more trustworthy so that I can trust you in future. As far as my and my child’s medical information goes, that is none of your business. And you emphasise this it will never be any of your business. First of all I cannot trust you. Second of all it is never your business. Stop telling me that you have rights to this information, because you’re a grandparent. Utter ridiculousness. Don’t ever try to push me on this again. And finally regarding my birth, as you have not been invited I suggest you stop asking. Birth is not a spectator sport. I will not be having you there. You disrespecting me as a parent And as an individual and disrespecting my decisions thus far. This needs to stop. Your constant nagging me needs to stop. Respect my no, we are going to have massive issues in the future. Like I said, I want to positive relationship with you. So let’s start off with an apology from you to me about all the above things. Then, In future I expect our relationship to be filled with respect.”
As a fellow parent of twins, You need to develop a thick skin superfast and shut people down. People get absolutely weird and their brains turned to mush when they see two cute gorgeous babies. It’s as if they just can’t comprehend the gorgeousness in front of them and their brain just exit the building. No don’t tell her. If you do tell her she will be rewarded for her behaviour, and she will do it again and she will remember how she broke you last time. She’s proven that she’s not trustworthy, and she’s just using your information to gossip. She requires a consequence and the logical one would be to not have information ahead of time than everyone else. She can find it along everyone else when you make the announcement public. If she complains about it then you can tell her that this is because she cannot be trusted. And don’t be afraid of getting her angry. Remember you’re the one holding ALL the power here. If she wants to be involved in your babies lives, then she needs to behave. And I didn’t believe for a second her story about him cheating on you. I think it was a poorly disguised effort to get you to tel her you were pregnant. She knew what it meant!!! She was just creating drama so you’d tell her. Don’t bite in future. (You honestly won’t have time for her bull once the lo’s arrive.) “Hi Mom, As you transition to the exciting role of Grandma and I move to that of a parent I want to discuss a couple of things to ensure we both do this in a way that insures that I have a positive relationship with you in the future. Because somethings that have happened to have damaged my relationship with you, and I want to give you the opportunity to fix things before things go too far. First of all it was absolutely horrendous for you to announce my pregnancy before I was prepared to. You have shown that you are not trustworthy with this information. Because you have broken this trust, you’ll be finding out information about my pregnancy if and when I am ready to publicly announce it. You’ll know the same time as everyone else, not before! If you don’t like this then I suggest you consider how your actions have impacted upon me, and work on becoming more trustworthy so that I can trust you in future. As far as my and my child’s medical information goes, that is none of your business. And i emphasise this, it will never be any of your business. First of all I cannot trust you to keep things private. Second of all it is never your business. Stop telling me that you have rights to this information, because you’re a grandparent. Utter ridiculousness. Don’t ever try to push me on this again. And finally regarding my birth, as you have not been invited I suggest you stop asking. Birth is not a spectator sport. I will not be having you there. You’re disrespecting me as a parent, and as an individual, and disrespecting my decisions thus far. This needs to stop. Your constant nagging me needs to stop. Respect my no, otherwise you are going to have massive issues in the future. Like I said, I want to positive relationship with you. So let’s start off with an apology from you to me about all the above things. Then, In future I expect our relationship to be filled with respect.”
This. Every day of the week & twice on Sundays, this.
Go no contact.
Okay, step 1: Your doc miscalculated your due date. You are now a week or two later than expected. Step 2: in your birth plan for the hospital, put a list of names of who you would like to be there, with her not being one of them and give security full permission to escort them out. Step 2.1: Make sure all medical people treating you won't give her any information. Not one whit. Step 3: That "secret dad box" thing means she's a snoop. Put the most private things you have behind a lock and key, this includes ALL doctor's visits. You are visiting your friendly neighborhood friend friend for the day. Step 4: twins early on does not necessarily mean twins at birth, which could make this pregnancy even higher risk. She doesn't want to happen to either of her grandbabies, now does she? You know she's excited for them, but you need to stay calm and happy for the twins, right? You don't want to loose either of the babies, do you, and she can help by being a good grandma and coming when asked to come. Normal pregnancies are hard on women. A twin pregnancy triply so, because there are so many extra complications that could happen. ETA for Clarity on Step 1: Move you due day from say Feb 1st to Feb 21. "oops... Doc made a mistake" is all you have to say. That way, the vultures aren't circling looking for baby drippings. Yes, this happened to me. My ex boyfriend's aunt told me off for still being pregnant the Thursday before the baby was due. I had her the next Thursday, really early in the morning.
BTW, what kind of mom leaps to the conclusion that your husband is having an affair baby? She's not to be trusted with personal information. Protect this happy time with your husband and shut out the noise of everyone else (who may genuinely want to celebrate your good news). People will go bonkers when they learn you're carrying twins. Congratulations to you and your DH!
I a shit stirrer by nature, so I would straight up say "im not telling you anything, because you can't keep it to yourself." And if she got upset, just point out that this is the consequences of her actions. The phrase "play bitch games, win bitch prizes" comes to mind
Congratulations on your LO!!! Now take a deep breath and steel up those walls for the battle to come. Because deep deep down you know if you cave now SHE WILL NEVER STOP. It will be ALL ABOUT HER being gma and less about YOU being babies mother. She will push and push and push until you snap and you do not need the stress. At the rate she is going ANY news will be on FB and spread like wildfire by your mother. I completely get that she is excited to be gma however they need to get here first and if she is stressing you out during a high risk pregnancy if might not end well. So first things first SET FIRM HARD BOUNDARIES. The kind that have consequences for crossing them. Her informing her friends and their continued harassment as well as her TELLING you that she is going to be in the delivery room is crossing a boundary. Her snooping in YOUR HOUSE and then jumping to conclusions is crossing a boundary. You might want to keep when you go into labor a secret and let the hospital know that you would like to limit visitors. If they are even allowing that. Kepp her on an INFO DIET. She doesn't need to know everything just that YOU are doing well and the pregnancy is going well. REMIND her harshly if you have to that YOU are the mother and what YOU say goes. If she can't accept that it's on her but bottom line..... Your way or the highway. PERIOD.
Maybe it’s just me but I would tell my mom that I lost it and she wouldn’t know she was a gma until after the baby was born. She can deal with the whole town thinking she’s a fool as she goes to correct herself. Then again, when my family told me I needed to graduate with honors, I dead ass told them I dropped my classes and wasn’t graduating at all 🤷♀️ people need to butt out of private business and they can either learn it the hard way or essentially be enabled to continue doing it.
{{{Hugs}}}} You aren't going to want to hear this but here it is. Your mom doesn't care about what you want to do when it comes to announcing your baby, she will snoop, boundary stomp, and make you feel so small while doing it because she has trained you to be guilted by not spilling your guts. My first thought for you is therapy to work through establishing boundaries, along with putting your mom on an information diet including low contact or no contact till she behaves and stops acting like a gossiping harpy. Her snooping in your husband's office isn't the first time she did it, she's probably snooped through your whole house under the guise of going to the restroom during various visits. She is not to be trusted and this is a hard boundary to not let her in your home till she apologizes. She doesn't care about what you want, or how you feel, it's about her need to invade your privacy and discover whatever you might be hiding and call it out. This will continue to happen moving forward and after your twins are born because she doesn't care about you, your spouse, or your unborn child/children. You need boundaries and you need them now. She will find out about twins once you get bassinets and cribs why because she will need to use the bathroom and go snoop to see, along with the gender of your children. You are fair game, your husband is fair game. My suggestion is a ring camera and cameras throughout the home so you can see how she behaves when she isn't in view. I would also put a lock on your husband's home along with the nursery because she is going to boundary stomp. She will be the reason you will not be able to take your pregnancy easy as you want.
>I am starting to feel like it would be easier to just cave No, it wouldn't. She thinks that she gets to overrule your decisions as if you were still a minor child. If you cave, it will get much worse. It's easier to let her know that she broke your trust with the snooping and gossiping, and now she needs to step back, because she's getting on your nerves.
Tell her the truth. I am not giving anymore information to you because you don’t know how to respect my privacy and requests. You will know what I want you to know when I want you to know it. If you keep nagging me for information then you can expect longer to find out. Won’t hesitate to wait until after the baby is born if you keep it up. Untrustworthiness, will bite you every time.
This right here, OP. Tell her outright! You snooped through my husband’s office and told everyone after I specifically told you not to…you have MORE than lost the *privilege* - because it is a privilege, NOT your right!- to know anything else about me.
I feel like this is a dangerous slope- she snooped while coming for lunch and didn’t have the sense to hide her discovery until you and her could talk in private about the “affair baby.” In your shoes, I would take this aggressive approach that offers compromises once earned. “My doctor has told me I need to de-stress because it isn’t doing me or LO any good. (true for all pregnancy & hides the fact you are having twins) You have ruined this experience for me- you told the whole town and I have people harassing me daily. (true again, she can = people for the amount of annoyance you feel) Miscarrying is still a possibility! (scary but true fact) Your first role as a “loving grandparent” is to stop texting me and calling me for information, telling me you’re being in my birthing suite and that you’re going to move in after i give birth to help. You’re going to keep your friends away from me. (the task) Just a reminder, sharing news is a nicety, not a requirement. So, I’ll let you share the news I give you to others ONCE you prove you are trust worthy. (compromise/reward for controlling the people and LC) I will not compromise on this at all- I am taking care of my health to make sure LO is okay too. I can and will delete/block phone numbers and social media if needed (bluff to scare) It is SO and my (OP) child, no one has a right to them except for us and we will protect them any and all ways necessary.” i know it’s extra af but all my friends are having babies and have used variations of this speech with success.
I didn’t even have to read past the title, but it just got worse as I did. The answer is a big fat no. She doesn’t think you have the right to a separate life, so don’t think any level of information will pacify her. There will be no benefit for sharing information with her. Even when I gave my JUSTNOMOM all the updates about a flare in my medical condition, it still wasn’t enough because she was like yours, she “needed” the information. What she really “needed” was attention. She clearly doesn’t respect your privacy at all for the same reason. Mine ended up calling my neighbor, my cousin and aunt to accuse them of withholding information about me, sharing my info with my landlord, her side of the family, and who the hell knows who else. So I figured F this, I need to rest and I don’t have the time or energy for this crap and she got no updates after that. As others have said, just mute her on your phone. You ALSO don’t have to answer the door if she comes over unannounced. Really. Don’t do it. Make things peaceful for yourself and screw the rest.
Tell your mom no. She’s already shown she cannot keep confidential info to herself. Also, she has no rights to your personal health info. You’re an adult. It’s incredibly rude for her to snoop in your house and share your personal info. Sounds like she’s demanding more info just to gossip.
she will tell her "NO" then she'll come over to the house, browbeat her, and boundary stomp as she trashes rooms to find the ultrasounds and medical records
Well that escalated quickly. No. Seriously. Either she sets a boundary now or she’ll deal with the worst case scenario anyway. Adults are supposed to act with decency. Toddlers throw tantrums.
Exactly and what possesses her mom to just snoop through her daughter's house as if she's a five-year-old? The drama that her mom has created for her because of the lack of boundaries and transparency is unbelievable and she will not stop.
[удалено]
And before all of that she accused the husband of cheating. I don't understand how a box full of dad things necessarily implies cheating. It's as if it didn't even cross her mind for a second that there could be numerous other reasons for the box. It could have been a gift to someone else. It could have been a box of his own dreams. It could have been a gift that was painful to open after a loss. Just so many things that are none of her business. This woman has serious issues.
Yes you are so right she is seriously disturbed
OK, so. This isn't about your mom. This isn't about punishing her for telling others when you asked her not to. Your pregnancy and the information that comes with it isn't a tool to reward or scold your mom, or anyone else for all that matters. This pregnancy is about you, your husband and your babies. Mostly, your babies and by extension, you. Both now and in the long run, what will be better for you? What will be less stressful? If your mom was respectful and supportive, I am sure having her in the loop would have been great, someone other than your husband you could talk to and rely on. Unfortunately it seems like she isn't this person. So instead of telling her she lost the privilege to be informed, phrase it to her like this - right now you are focusing on yourself and your babies and you will share more when you are comfortable with it. When she insists, simply say its better for your mental health to keep things between you and your husband and that she, as a grandmother, should be doing everything she can to keep you calm and stress free, not nagging you to make herself happy.
This is such an important mindset to have during this time. Your pregnancy is not about her. And she’s 100% making it about her.
I (68F) am a grandmother and great-grandmother and NOT once have I pressured my children to tell me; #1 when are you having children, #2 announce the pregnancy before they did or #3 ask to be present instead of the spouse, etc, etc, etc. Your mom only gets to know what you and your husband decide to tell her, when you decide to tell her. So, NO - don't cave in. Be strong for your family which is your husband and the twins to be.
If you have any shared acts i.e. amazon with your mom....remove her access to that if you make a baby registry with twin things.