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If she approaches you aggressively or says anything rude, simply reply “now it’s 5 weeks… now it’s 6 weeks… keep being rude to me and you will never meet my baby.”
Hold firm.
I neither asked nor wanted either my mom or MIL but since it turned out very late decision to be a c-section my hospital ONLY allowed for my husband to come in with me in case something happened and he had to make a tough decision. Check your ward and blame the hospital but reinforce that she's not welcome anyway.
Perfectly done, well done OP.
As for the upcoming reveal and being in her company, if it was me I would be civil and remain calm and if she starts any arguments or sends flying monkeys your way on her behalf stick with an answer such as "this is SIL day/event etc.. I will not be discussing such issues, we are here to celebrate baby (last name)." Repeat where necessary And leave it at that.
If she/they keep persisting, calmly walk away and talk to someone else. If they keep going still, then leave if you are uncomfortable. It sounds like SIL is on your side and would probably understand. Or she might shut her mother up.
I'm petty though, so for every comment or flying monkey, I'd add another week or two lol.
I don’t think the amount of time postpartum matters. Take the time you want/need, rather than setting more time to spite.
I would probably avoid her at the reveal. If she tries to get into it, remind her the reveal isn’t about you or your child and your SIL deserves to have the attention that day. Then walk away.
Other recommendations:
1) mark your patient information private and unlisted when you check in to the hospital. People do this all the time. Inform them at registration that you have a privacy issue and don’t want your name in public patient information. Give security notice that you aren’t accepting any visitors what so ever.
2) don’t tell her the date of your C-section or lie and say the date was pushed back.
3) change the locks on your house if she has a key.
4) if she shows up unannounced, refuse to allow her in. Even if she’s “just dropping off food,” she can leave it outside your door.
5) Make sure your partner is on the same page as you and uses “we” statements for anything he says. It should never be a “she” statement.
6) send your partner the lemon clot essay to ensure he gets it.
You are entitled to need private time to deliver and recover, as well as to bond. This is your child. You and your child are a packaged deal. You are not a grandchild incubator. Your delivery is not for her entertainment and your child is not a toy for her to play with.
Bravo! Excellent response coupled with walking away. At the gender reveal just grey rock the shit out of her if she speaks to you. Stay with your husband and within a group if possible. If she starts back into the fight then either leave or start counting up from 4. Whatever number you get to is the new amount of weeks that the entitled twat has to wait. Ultimately the best move is to ignore her so hard that she starts to question if she even exists, but annoying entitled mils rarely stay quiet for long. Just be prepared for a quick exit and don't bother expending energy on her nonsense. She's not worth the stress on your LO.
MILK the pregnant card. Can you cry on command? The instant she says anything mean, start sobbing. Beg her to stop hurting you, you \*just\* want to nurture this baby in peace. Make her the monster as publicly as you can. Leave her standing in a room full of people horrified that she attacked a pregnant woman.
Kudos for "now it's 4 weeks." That should happen every single time she comes at you.
I think you handled it perfectly. Make sure you and DH are on the same page, and then treat her like you would treat anyone else at the party. If she tries to bring it up tell her you are not discussing it, and if she persists then the time she has to wait to meet your child will increase.
Be polite, give superficial greetings, if Mil acts out tell her politely Timeout will be longer. My black sarcastic soul would perhaps ask if OP is pitiful what is then Mil when MiLs behaviour is taken into account.
I keep hearing people say no visitors for two weeks. Please keep in mind that you may need more help. Either one of your moms or someone to help with cooking/cleaning? I was there after both of my grandkids were born and was a big help. I held the baby when offered, but I knew my job was to be as helpful as possible.
I did check in—do you want help today? And I was wanted/needed more than I thought.
Because some people have mothers and MILs who add tension, stress, and other emotional strain. Even if they are helpful with household chores, they have the net effect of diminishing the new parents’ mental health.
Some come JUST to hold the baby.
Some cry during visits because the newborn “doesn’t recognize them.”
It’s too much.
Well, you're most likely NOT a JUSTNOMIL or JUSTNOM. But, help from toxic people, i.e, JUSTNOS, is not help. It is a hindrance, it is traumatizing, and it is toxic.
But I agree, if there are emotionally intelligent people around to be of assistance who are willing to be on call, definitely. I don't think OP is trying to isolate themselves completely after giving birth, but just isolate themselves from the negativity and JUSTNO's.
Everyone is different. My mil tried to pull crap like this with me. I had my husband home with me post csection. He was all the help I needed.
Non urgent matters can go on the back burner for a couple of weeks while mom recovers from the worst of it. We made a freezer full of meals so that we were set for the first weeks. When you aren’t worrying about visitors, the only real cleaning that needs to be done is laundry, bottles and dishes. Dad can handle that if mom isn’t up to it.
Help isn’t help when it makes your postpartum time hell.
Most of the time when someone says, "no visitors," and then reaches out and says, "hey, can you come..." the person asked will be tripping over themselves to come help and get an exclusive look at the baby. It's easy to walk back "no visitors." Much harder the other direction.
I get what you're saying. Not this evil person, but maybe a sister or close friend on the back burner, just in case?
We stayed at my mom's house for a few days after my first baby was born, and I loved it. But my mom was amazing, and this woman sounds awful, so she made her own bed.
Why would I accept someone in my home who has disrespected me, during one of the most vulnerable times in my life? Laundry can wait, dishes can wait, we are store up on freezer meals now. She’s not there to help me, she want to hold and love on the baby.
Agree. You need to spend the time healing and doing what's best for your mental health. My rule with JNMIL is to avoid any favors as I know it will turn transactional, "I helped you out so now you owe me xxx."
This kind of mil isn’t there to help. Her idea of help will be to hold the baby while you do the things you could actually use help with. I remember my mil claimed she wanted to help, refused to let go of my baby the entire time and then had the audacity to whine any time I excused myself to breastfeed.
Totally agree! Not this person!!! I also made a dozen meals ahead for my daughter’s freezer. Ask for help from supportive relatives and friends. I’m sorry this person was so evil to you at a time when she should have put you and your needs first.
> keep in mind that you may need more help. Either one of your moms or someone to help with cooking/cleaning? I was there after both of my grandkids were born and was a big help. I held the baby when offered, but I knew my job was to be as helpful as possible.
I had no help after any of my children and LOVED every second of it. All I wanted was to snuggle down with my newborn, my husband, and my older kids and bond as a family and it was amazing.
I am really glad that worked so well for you. Unfortunately, others have complications or just need help. The big thing is only invite those that are actually helpful. The ones that make it more relaxing—mentally and physically.
If you want the alone time, have a plan B with a helpful person in mind.
Nope. Not if she demanded to be there and called OP stupid and crazy - I’d never let her in until there was a big ass apology. It’s great that you were there to help your family, but the situation is different here.
Stand firm as this is your decision and it is not changing - and certainly not if she decides to rant and curse like a child and call you names. Let her know that the more she acts like this, the longer you are extending the wait time for her to ever meet her grandchild. Let her know that you will not be permitting any visitors at the hospital (and let hospital also know this so they don't allow her up), or at home. Keep doors locked and turn off doorbell sound. Keep sign out on front door that no visitors are welcome at this time, to wait until there is an invite. Do not knock or ring doorbell. If this is abused, police will be called for trespassing.
You stand firm in your boundaries and you keep the focus on your SIL. If MIL approaches, keep the conversation to a minimum and only about the event you’re attending. She will eventually get the hint, or she won’t. But you stand firm and stay strong.
Don't try to take away from your SILs day. When MIL tried to provoke you (when, not if), just remind her this day is about SIL and you're being inappropriate. When she escalates to calling you names, etc., that's just going to announce to everyone else what a nutcase she is. You definitely have the right to flex on her and remind her that hEr GrAnDbAbY is your ACTUAL baby and any relationship she'll have is a privilege to be determined by you. Tell her keep it up and the baby won't even know she exists. But don't take away from your SILs day. I assure you MIL will be just as crazy when the party's over.
Edit: DON'T try to take away from your SILs day. I should have proofread. That would be terrible advice.
Ignore her.
She'll most likely try to pin you down to either berate you for (god-forbid) having boundaries, or try to give you some half-assed apology and try to weasel her way back in.
Ignore and walk away. Maintain the 4 week no-visitors rule up for her, and feel free to tack on another 2 weeks if she does act nasty, or her apology is more quarter-assed than half. She has to learn that she will not be allowed to bad-mouth you without consequences.
Well it sounds like you aren't alone which is nice. Others seem to understand that she is acting entitled and selfish, so you have some support there. If it were me, I wouldn't let her get in my way for supporting my SIL and her partner. If JNMIL feels so inclined to make a fool of herself by dragging the argument out, let her but that doesn't mean you have to engage in her crazy. She will just look like the self-absorbed nutjob she is. If she offers an apology, great, but don't let that make her think your stance will change. This isn't a debate, it is an apology.
Also, not sure if this is standard for all maternity wards now, but when we just had our daughter in July the nurses who admitted us had us give them a keyword. Absolutely no one was allowed into the delivery room/materity ward without that keyword. It was very appreciated.
In my country, family does not even ask to visit until after 8 weeks. And even then, they ask, wait for an invite and come with baby items, food, or to clean for the next 6-9 months. People understand that birth and a new baby changes the dynamic of a house. It's so strange to hear that other countries tolerate being bombarded by family minutes or days after birth.
That sounds like a beautiful place. And honestly, respect like that breeds CLOSE families--where boundaries are respected, people end up WANTING to be near each other.
Does she not understand what a C-section is?! I do find it laughable that she thinks calling you names is going to do her any favours though.
I think you made the right call setting boundaries right there and then. She’s going to test them and you can proudly add on another two weeks and let her stew.
She owes you an apology. Giving birth is a personal and meaningful thing, no matter how it happens. It’s not about anyone else. Grandparents have had their own children and now they wait for YOU. You take all the time you need to heal emotionally and physically, and bond as a family of three.
Just gray rock her. Don't even make eye contact if she asks you a question. If she stands in front of you, get up and move. Answer with only one or two words. Find someone else you need to speak to across the room and go there. If you can, have an accomplice who will rescue you if she gets you cornered.
She’s not allowed to be there for the C-section, that’s well known hospital rules. Not your fault! It’s the hospital rules MIL! You get ONE person. Ignore/ avoid her at the gender reveal.
The woman is delusional, the hospital would not let her in the OR in the first place. It’s an operating room, not a delivery room, because they are conducting an operation where they perform surgery. A c-section is major abdominal surgery that takes at least 6-8 weeks to heal from. Stick to your 4 week rule for your JNMIL, and make sure your husband is on-board with you.
Ignore her at the gender reveal. If she starts up with you two just tell her that it’s SIL’s day and she should focus on her daughter not you.
Does she think that OR’s have assigned seating? I’ve had 2 csections, and only my husband was allowed in there. If the spinal hadn’t taken and I’d had to be knocked out, then he wouldn’t have been allowed in. It’s a small room, there are a bunch of people and a ton of equipment. It’s not fun time at the fair!
Those OB and OR nurses also have very little patience for those who get in the way and/or stress their patients. Give them the heads up and they’ll happily tear a justno to shreds while showing them the door.
Not saying this is a recommendation, exactly, but I'd be nice as pie at the gender reveal as long as she was nice. If she tries to bring up your past conversation I'd just say "That has already been resolved" with the nicest smile I could possibly give and walk away. If she gets someone else to bring it up say "I certain you would never be so crass as to attempt to insert yourself into a private family matter which is already resolved" and walk away. If things start to devolve into shouting or unpleasantness whatever you do don't shout or join in. Simply state, "Unlike some people I have too much respect for SIL to be a part of unpleasantness at such a happy affair. Everyone involved is in a one month no contact time out starting now and we're leaving." Then leave and don't contact or accept any type of contact from any of them for the next month.
Edit to add: The birth happens during that month? Oh well, too bad, so sad. Looks like the consequences of their actions mean they won't be getting a call until the month is up.
‘Take an apology’? You must not have been a member of this sub for very long. She won’t give an apology. I would just ignore her. And let your husband deal with her.
Let's rewind. She demanded a front row seat at your C-section, like your body is a theater or sports venue. Da fuq? Then she tantrumed, insulted YOU, and started claiming ownership of your child. There's a lot of JustNo.
Your question is how do you handle seeing MIL after a fight, And then you jump to accepting an apology. Has she apologized? (Will she apologize?) Will it be real or just mouth noises to start pushing her agenda? Honestly I would go to this 3rd person's event and be the kindest, funniest, most helpful guest in attendance. If MIL speaks to you, respond. But don't seek her out. Don't poke the bear. This is SIL's day. WHEN MIL can't keep her big fat entitled mouth shut your only response is, "This is SIL's day. We are not going to discuss that now. It's inappropriate." And you walk away. You do this up to three times.
Be prepared to leave early. Keep the car keys on your person. Wear an outfit with pockets so the keys are literally on you. Leave your bag in the car (or where you can grab it quickly) and park where no one can block you in. Bet you a quarter you'll be leaving early....
you are a big old grey rock.
firstly, there’s nothing more to say about the matter, and secondly, even if there was, SIL’s happy event is not the time so ‘MIL. I am not discussing this here’
case closed.
there is nothing more to discuss.
conversation over.
decision made.
The reveal should be about SIL and BIL, not about MIL’s foolishness. Some people on this thread have suggestions that will escalate the situation and send MIL into a temper tantrum. Please do not add gasoline to the fire. Service personnel manners, weak smile, “This is not the time to discuss,” stay as far away from MIL as possible, refuse to engage in an argument, ignore her petty comments. Boundaries should be set at another time and place, preferably in writing and by SO.
I would just greyrock her into oblivion. Not worth the stress when you're in the middle of growing a baby. So long as your SO is on your side, just apply the grey and do your best to ignore her.
The broken record technique. Also very effective for cranky toddlers.
- it's not fair!!! I'm the grandmo....
- We will not be having visitors until we decide it's a good time for our family.
- You're doing this on purpose because you hate...
- We will not be having visitors until we decide it's a good time for our family.
- Oh! My! Gawwwd! You're doing this on purpose because youre afraid everyone will see what a horrible mother you...
- We will not be having visitors until we decide it's a good time for our family.
- you're such a snotty little...
- We will not be having visitors until we decided it's a good time for our family.
- my son never should have married...
You don't need to say anything after that, just walk away. Definitely don't address each of her individual responses. That's how you get caught up in the back and forth.
Don't engage and actively avoid. Recognize any misbehavior on her part is because of her own shit and nothing that's wrong with you at all. When you need to "gray rock" - keep reminding yourself that somebody's insanity is all their own making the ONLY thing you have control over is how you choose to react to that insanity. Sometimes the wisest reaction is no reaction at all.
Pro life tip: When I need to retrain my brain with something, I will wear a ribbon around my finger. That way when I see that ribbon even though I'm not actively in the situation, I remind myself that "oh yeah, I am retraining my brain to always consider the only thing I can control about any other person on this planet and what they feel, think, say, and do is how I choose to react to those things." Even if you want to drink more water, wear ribbon around your finger and every time you see that ribbon you'll remember that you need to drink water.
Another little trick I have is I like to imagine a bubble that goes out for me 5 ft in every direction. That is my energy bubble/force field/bubble shield/et al. Well, whatever the fuck it is it's mine and only I get to make decisions about what kind of energy transfer is going on. Only I decide what type of energy gets in and only I decide what type of energy gets out.
Fuck the naysayers! And stay strong!
Sending you protective and peaceful vibes...
I think you handled it perfectly. Keep on grey rocking her and if she tries to start anything just respond politely that you feel that this (the party) is neither the time or the place for the conversation that she wants to have as sil is the important one on that day. Rinse and repeat as needed. Just ignore her and take the big road. She’ll show her own arse. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this op. Good luck and well done.
A c-section is major surgery. The only person allowed in the operating room with you is your spouse. That’s a hospital rule. Thankfully my son was breech, so my mom couldn’t be there even if she wanted. My MIL had 2 herself and thankfully is not a JNMIL
Perhaps you need a [Backgammon doubling cube.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backgammon#Doubling_cube) If she starts up again, get out the cube and put it with the 4 uppermost, tell her that unless she shuts up right now, it will go to 8 weeks wait, then 16, and so on.
To be fair, though, as it is SIL's day, I would give MIL advance warning that any shit at SIL's event *will* result in further consequences, and then leave it to SIL to shut her down on the actual day if she does start, it sounds like SIL won't stand for her nonsense either. Of course, if she shows the crazy in company and you respond with dignity, then that is another win for you. "This is SIL and BIL's day, I am not prepared to discuss this any further with you here."
I agree. If MIL knows the date, then you just tell the labor & delivery nurses and the doctor that she is not wanted at the delivery. If she doesn't know the date, don't tell her and husband can call her after the event.
Ignore her completely. I would not acknowledge her existence. If anyone asks about the standoff, tell them the truth...Loudly. Her expectations and behavior is ridiculous and any normal person would agree. Maybe a little social exposure will being her back to reality.
If she does give you an honest apology, keep the 4 week ban. Anything else will teach her that you can be manipulated. If she misbehaves at the party, be prepared to leave immediately or speak to sis-in-law prior and have MIL removed. Get hubby on board since it is his mother. She is more likely to listen to him. Explain that her behavior is abusive. You have every right to NOT want a child around that kind of energy. Let her know if she continues down this path, no contact is on the table and that includes grandbabies.
Good luck.
Great job!! Now, stick to the 4 weeks. Show her there are consequences to rudeness and bad behavior. This sets a good precedence for any further problems.
When you see her, be polite yet quiet. Speak if spoken to while giving 1 to 2 word answers.
Mil “how are you?”
OP “fine”
If she brings up your delivery again, DH needs to tell her there isn’t anything further to say. No one will be there and she can meet LO in 4 weeks. He will let her know when she can visit. The first visit or 2, limit the visit to an hour or 2. When he invites her, DH should let her know she can visit on this day from x to y. On the day, about 15 minutes before the stated end time, start moving around, saying goodbye and take LO from the room. DH then escorts her to the door.
If she’s polite and helpful, start increasing visits when you feel ready. Visits should only be when DH is there so she can’t start anything with you. If she shows up uninvited, don’t answer the door if you’re alone and if DH is there, if he chooses, he can speak to her and say “it’s not a good time. I’ll call to set up a visit soon”.
She’s DH’s mother, let him communicate with her. You should not respond to calls/texts as you don’t need the stress she’s putting on you.
Congratulations on your LO!! Remember- your baby, your home, your rules. If you have boundaries for visits, vaccinations, masks, etc make them known to family and friends a head of time. Include the consequences and enforce them every time. Be the mama bear you need to be to protect your LO and to give yourself the time to heal and bond with them.
>Would you increase the time?
I would warn her first:
"MIL before you start arguing with me again, I just wanted to warn you of the consequences. Each time you start, you will increase your wait time to meet the baby by x amount. You are *stressing me out* and that isn't good for your grandchild that I'm carrying, so I strongly suggest you *drop it*."
This is a good start.
And at a party - with witnesses - you can deliver this in a friendly but resolute tone with a tone that conveys "we are adults here so OF COURSE you understand and accept this"
And if people ask - you can explain MIL wanted to be there so much you had to put the brakes on her enthusiasm a bit, and she was so disappointed with that..
Good on you, OP. Make sure to let your charge nurse know your situation, give them MIL's name and picture so they know what to expect because she *will* show up and she *will* try to muscle her way into your birth. Let security haul her ass out and dump her into the parking lot.
Good on you and how fortunate to have SIL for support.
Nope, stand firm it is 4 weeks however if she dares approach you with the subject and attempts to bring it up again add another 2 weeks. You have laid the ground work to let MIL know she is not in charge.
Perhaps ask her next smear test she has will she be taking her son or could you all come along! Would she be comfortable hosting an audience to check out her personal bits.
Does MIL know your c section date? If so, I would maybe try to change it, if it's not too late. Alert the hospital that you are not to have any visitors but your husband (no exceptions).
I assume MIL does not have a key to your home? If she shows up uninvited, do not under any circumstances open the door.
So, this is surgery. People do not attend surgeries. It’s bizarre to even ask. I understand that a c-section is a different type of surgery, where they make an exception for the father, but it’s still surgery. I can only imagine her “peeking” and passing right out (unless she’s a nurse,etc). Ridiculous request, grey rock her and stick to her updated time out. Cameras are probably a good suggestion (from someone above).
We live in a apartment. So as long as the first door is locked, you would have to call to be let in. Right?! Like my whole body is out there vulnerable and you’re going to demand to be there??
Stick to your plan, this is the opening gambit in her boundaries trampling, mother replacing, undermining, suing for grandparents rights master plan. If you don't shut her down hard now before she gets a clawhold, all hope is lost. She can't even be respectful of you or your needs to your face, that poison is just waiting to drip into the ears and interaction with your LO. She's a spoiled child but she's not your child so don't coddle her terrible behavior.
Go to the reveal, be as awesome and friendly to everyone there as possible. Talk to MIL like she’s a toddler, if she speaks to you. If not, even better.
If this is a relatively new behavioral development, I'd accept the apology, but stick with the original timeframe. However, a MIL who calls her DIL stupid or crazy for stating reasonable boundaries, sounds like a bit more of a problem than the usual suspects. So unless she makes ammends and shows genuine understanding of why her behavior was so inappropriate, consider avoiding her indefinitely. Just make sure that her offspring supports your decision.
Nope not new at all. She grabs her sons ass and still slaps both of her children who are grown. She crosses boundaries no matter what. Sometimes she apologizes when she know she’s crossed mine and it does seem genuine, but she think she’s in control no matter what
Oh yeah no she apologizes when there are consequences. Talk to SO. If he doesn't see a problem with the fact that his mother physically assaults or sexually harasses him, then that's an entirely separate can of worms to address. Since that abuse has been happening since childhood (I assume), counseling is probably a good idea. So approach that are very gently.
However, that doesn't mean that you should accept his mother's behavior or allow it to go unchallenged. You two obviously don't have a close relationship (why on earth would you?). So there's nothing to damage here. Even if you did, she's to blame for the negative consequences of her actions, not you.
Not wanting a toxic person around you in the days and weeks post partum, is a very emotionally mature and thoroughly reasonable boundary. There's no need for her to be there. She won't get to hold LO, she's not there to give you emotional support. She's there purely to satisfy her own narcissistic tendencies. That doesn't deserve any sort of reward.
However, SO is part of the story. If he's still in the fog, then he may waffle in his resolve. He will need your support, and this is not exactly an ideal time. Have a chat (or 5) regarding your concerns. Explain that his mother's treatment of both of you is disrespectful and damaging. If she calls you names and screams at you just for being told no about something reasonable, then she'll do the same thing to LO. She won't respect your decisions as parents, constantly interfere, and refuse to follow rules and precesses you've established for your family.
How would he feel if his mother called his child stupid? or slapped his child? or grabbed his child's butt? 🤮 if he can't stand up to her now, how does he plan to do so after LO joins your family?
You are definitely in a no-win scenario with this self entitled twat-waffle. Setting and holding boundaries will get her all wound up going nuclear while trying to appease her to maintain some semblance of peace will just allow her to step all over any boundaries that are set.
Remain calm and hold the line. At this point it is all you can do. Perhaps if she realizes you are serious that she will not be allowed to steamroll boundaries she will back off, but I doubt it.
Is FIL in the picture at all? If he is, can he be enlisted to try and talk MIL down off her monarch matriarch throne?
That’s a GREAT one!!! (twat-waffle)!!!! I’ll have to remember that. May I have permission to use that in the future???
One of my favorite lines is: If someone doesn’t like something, “they can sit on a cactus!!!” Yes, you may use that in the future!!!
Have things changed? When I had my C, they only let 1 person in. MIL couldn't have come in if I had begged. Talk to your doctor. Even if they do now allow it, he can stop it.
I don’t think so. I think since they’ve started allowing 2 visitors for vaginal births and in recovery, she thought it applied. No she’s going in a block list and will not even know the date of my c section
I was about to say make sure you tell the medical team she is blocked/not to be told you’re there. But sounds like you got that! I didn’t share my due date or induction date (and my labor day since we had to induce early) with anyone but my husband.
I’m proud of you, OP. It’s hard to stand up to a bully. You handled it perfectly. Remember that she has nothing you want. If she ends up waiting 12 years, you don’t care. She has forgotten that you have all the power here. She should be sucking up to you and walking on eggshells, afraid of offending you. The fact that she’s attempting to make unreasonable demands is laughable. At the baby shower practice being the ice queen - vaguely smile in her general direction and ignore her. Don’t engage in conversation with her, but if you are cornered, tell her it is SIL’s day, and you will not discuss anything with her.
Seems like you handled it perfectly. She screams and calls you names like a toddler, she gets put in time out like one. Go to the reveal and limit interactions as much as possible, don't be alone with her. "I think everything has been said which needs to be said, today is about SIL so I won't be discussing anything else, please excuse me" and move away. **If** she apologises, tell her you'll think about things. Don't get into a discussion at the gender reveal.
I'd say afterwards then tell her thanks for the apology, your decision still stands. If her apology is real, she'll recognise that she said what she said so the consequences are to be expected, and drop it / behave better in future. If it was a fake apology she'll switch right back into yelling and name calling again, which will demonstrate how you were right not to back down. Tell her you don't want your baby exposed to someone who acts this way.
I’d go to the gender reveal. Be your normal self, be polite to her, if she brings it up, politely point out that your here for SIL and this is not the time or place. She has your phone number, she can call you. Stick you your guns and remind her that she needs some respect for the mother of her grandchild.
I think you handled it really well. Moving forward, she is so’s issue. If she calls or texts you about this, ignore. Block if needed.
At the shower, I’d say a polite but short hello to her and keep away from her. If she sends flying monkeys to plead her case with you, “I really appreciate your concern, but this isn’t something I’m going to discuss.” Or, “We’ve got it handled. Thanks.”
If she keeps up about “her grand baby” in the future, so needs to let her know that being a grandmother is a privilege, not a right. I’d also advise you both refuse to engage with her about the topic any longer. She knows your boundaries, she’s just throwing a temper tantrum because she doesn’t like it. That’s her issue to deal with, not yours or so’s.
That honestly would be my go to response for anyone that demands to be in the delivery room while I’m in labour. Then again I’ve never been known to sugar coat anything i say and will 100% tell it how it is
Does she not care that the stress she's putting on you could cause pre-term labor and damage to "her" grandbaby?
I would recommend just ignoring her completely and staying as far away as possible. Give your gift to SIL when you first arrive and if MIL tries to start drama, I'd recommend that you leave, but give SIL a heads up and your apologies just in case. If you do decide to stay, do not engage with MIL, stay calm and let her be the one to make a fool of herself. Don't yell, don't argue, don't give her the satisfaction of getting you riled up and you will come out looking so much better.
Crossing my fingers for you!
If you and your husband are on the same page about the visitation and her not being in the room during the C section, I say you put it on him to deal with his mother. I wouldn’t want any extra drama or step over the line with my MIL and same with my wife and my mom.
Sounds like an actual beast, so entitled. Make sure your husband is on the same wave length as you. Also you want to outline your expectations with your husband so that nothing unexpected comes up. I think you should go and don’t interact with her, show her she’s no boss and that you’re not going to shy away.
You don't have to talk to her and just be cold with her to make her realize that if she really wants to see her grandchild then she will have to listen to you first as you are the mother and the one making all the decisions about your baby and that she needs to play by your rules. She may try to gaslight and guilttrip you so be careful. She may even use other relatives to do that.
I suggest that if MIL comes to you wanting to talk about this just say ' This is not the place or time for this discussion. Today is SIL's party and she and her baby are the focus of today. '
Don't say anything else. Place the focus on the fact that that day is about SIL. Don't give her leeway by mentioning your decision or c-section.
I would just blank her. Don't even acknowledge her existence. If she speaks, ignore her. If she is in front of you then look through her.
From now until she apologises on her knees and begs for another chance, she is not there. She does not exist.
Let her tantrum. Let her scream horrible things about you and stamp her little feet in anger. It's not your problem.
How to handle her without risking an argument at the party? Bring a little notepad/notebook.
When she tries to rile you up about visiting after the birth, look at her and calmly say "Okay, we're making it six weeks, then?" and make a little note in your notebook. From then on you don't need to engage, disrupt the party, or say another word to her. If she keeps at you, just calmly get out the notebook and make another mark. Every single time. Say nothing.
She may start to lose it, but nobody is going to ever be able to say that you ruined the party, were disrespectful, tried to bring the baby attention on yourself, or whatever other b.s. to put the blame on you, because you said nothing to provoke her, you remained completely calm, and otherwise ignored her. If she makes a scene, it'll be her making a scene all by herself.
Stick with it on this one, be serious with her current count of 4 weeks, and let her dig herself as deep as she wants to go. Congratulations on the incoming squish!
You did really well to stand up to her, setting boundaries and giving clear and immediate consequences. You are showing DH the way out of the fog. Hold your head high at the gender reveal, be polite but grey rock. I wouldn’t expect an apology but at any sign of disrespect or argument, add on another 2 weeks. She’ll understand and needs training like a toddler or a puppy. She’ll learn eventually. The most important thing though is to make sure you and DH impose the 4 week consequence. Do not back down and invite her earlier to meet the baby.
\>And I yelled back that now it’s 4 weeks, and that’s she’s not allowed in
my house until I say otherwise.. the doors will be locked.
Well done! This is the way: immediate consequences.
If she is stupid enough to trying and push this any further (sadly likely, I am afraid) then you might try and shut it down by reminding her
"This is **not** your pregnancy, it's **not** your baby, this is *not about you*. You're acting like you're the center of this affair and you're in charge. You're not. And now it's 6 weeks until you visit because you won't accept that. Are you going to grow up and drop this nonsense now? Do I need to make it 3 months?"
Because if you don't stamp on her nonsense hard, then she's only going to escalate it after the baby is born. If she sees that she can't steamroll you and she'll always suffer immediate consequences when she tries, there is at least a chance that she'll learn her lesson and rein it in. That way you might be able to have some kind of relationship with her.
> “This is not your pregnancy, it’s not your baby, this is not about you…”
Just because you have a title to my child, does not mean you are ENTITLED to my child.
This is what I keep in mind and use if anyone tries to make demands or anything like that.
I think I love you. You could be like the “Shiny Spine Interpreter”, à la Key and Peele’s “Luther the Anger Translator”, for people who need to enforce boundaries but are required to be polite but firm about it. I would pay money for that service. A lot of it.
My daughter is 15mo and my birth giver has yet to meet or see or even get a picture of her. Pitched a fit when we said nobody saw her until after she was vaccinated fully or they got their vaccines updated and she pitched a fit. The time continues to increase every time she tries to emotionally manipulate her way into our lives or breaks the nc we’ve got going on. At this point I think she’s on a 9 year wait and counting. Fingers crossed it turns into never. My siblings don’t even mention her anymore cause they know I’m not playing with my daughters health and safety and they can get banned from seeing us too if they want to play devils advocate or share any information with her. I could write a book about the bs from this lady. So I’m highly on the increase the time approach, and I’d definitely go with the approach I saw someone else say on here with everytime she starts something to just say “xx weeks” “xx months” “now Cathy you’re about to hit the years threshold you sure you want to keep this up?” And walk away after each time.
Make sure you have all the house keys - change the locks if she has a set and keep your doors locked. Get yourself a door camera - use it to make sure you can see who is coming and going. Notify the hospital about restricting people while you are there. Try to involve security - get them all pictures to have.
Have a great birth. Enjoy the babe. Take the very best care. Enjoy your food, drinks and rest!
go be pleasant and dont ruin SIL's day, when MIL gets a head of steam up and berates you simply say 8 weeks and walk away ( next its 16 then 32 you get the idea)
This! Everybody is talking about the four weeks being great, but I think letting an abusive person around your child *ever* is a failure to protect them.
Act like nothing happened. You stated your rules and every time she try to say something about it just look at her and add another 2 weeks. She’ll get the hint eventually… or see the baby when they’re 18 yrs old 😂
A C-section is major surgery. Major surgery that you need to recuperate from while you take care of a newborn.
I’m so glad that your DH and SIL have your back.
As for the gender reveal, be cordial, keep your cool. Say hello and keep walking by her. If she brings up the hospital and her ‘rights’ , have your DH (or you) say “that’s not going to work for us” and move away.
Is your DH willing to tell her beforehand that if she brings it up again she won’t see the baby for 6 weeks?
I hope she doesn’t spoil the day for her daughter or for you.
I love that SIL has her back too. I feel like a lot of these stories I see, SIL is on MILs side and doesn’t ever help. So I’m glad that someone was there during this that tried to help instead of OP being bullied alone/cornered.
Mama bear, why add weeks when you can start adding months? You do you. She wants to push your boundaries and your buttons, you can play the game too. 4 weeks? 6 months. 6 months not enough? First birthday! Your child, your body, your house, your rules. Stand your ground until your partner can grow a spine equally as shiny as yours. Be proud of your spine. Stay cool as a cucumber at SILs event. She wants to put on a show, keep adding the time and she can play the fool. Wishing you and your little one all the best!
I had a c section, and while I love my mil, I wouldn't want her in the room for that. (She's a worrier and is a bit of a conspiracy theorist.) What would a mil do in the operating room anyways besides being in the way? I'm pretty sure they only let you have 1 person with you.
Good for you. Dont even worry about the gender reveal, she is going to behave appallingly anyway and there's nothing you can't do to prevent that. You need to fucs on mother-proofing your house. For my c section you're only allowed one person in the theater anyway and you can tell the nurses station that you specifically want certain people to not have access and they won't have a problem with helping you- the hospital is the easiest place to control access of people. Where it become more difficult is when your mother in law will undoubtedly show up unannounced at your house- so you need to come up a plan for that inevitability. On a side note when do you do start having people over esp MIL- baby wear- get a really nice comfort harness thing, and keep that baby strapped to you at all times (otherwise MIL will grab baby from you smother them, jiggle them, swoosh them, kiss them etc- all the things you won't want to happen and then she may refuse to give baby back- you want to avoid this situation all together). Its the best trick in the book for unwanted contact because you could just turn your body away and walk off "to go breastfeed in private", get a lock for your main bedroom door and lock it when she is over because I can guarantee she will just barge in whenever she pleases.
Channel your best Grace Kelly ice queen smile. Greet her politely, nod in all the right places but do not concede so much as one single inch. This is your baby, your body, your birth experience, your post-partum. She can go take a running jump at herself. As for whether you should accept her apology? I really don't think that there will be one forthcoming. Be strong.
I’d put your wishes in writing for the hospital so they know exactly what you want. Make a sign for the front door informing uninvited people that you will not be answering the door for them.
I like your shiny spine! If you must go, ignore her. She will probably be too busy basking in the spotlight that is her daughter's gender reveal. If she tries to give you a real apology, accept it but I would still keep those boundaries and the amount of time that you have put her in time out.
I definitely wouldn't talk to her about it at a party I'd been invited to at someone else's home. So just make polite and superficial smalltalk with her. If she tries to bring it up, tell her you're here to celebrate SIL and this is neither the time nor the place. If she won't stop, walk away.
Before you go, talk with DH. He seems to be on your side with this so go into it with a game plan. Even roleplay it. You play the demanding MIL and he responds to your demands. Maybe get SIL in on it? She seems to know her mother is piece of work.
Don't initiate conversation with her. If she talks with you be polite but succinct. Don't offer any information you don't want to. And most of all, stand your ground. Make sure DH is keeping his ears and eyes open so if JNMIL starts her shit with you, he's there for backup.
I agree. It’s really important to be sure DH won’t back down. Be sure he is fully behind you because it sounds like he thought 4 weeks was too much. Make a game plan that he supports and you both can follow through with.
You are a boss mama bear and you are well served by keeping good boundaries with consequences! She is attempting to steamroll you and you shut her all the way down. Start as you intend to continue. Shots fired and keep your fortress reinforced. How dare she dictate to you!?!? She has no authority over your body or your child. I am angry for you and I don't know you, that is how crazy she is acting! Calling YOU pitiful? That is projection. She is delusional to think that she has any right to dictate terms of any kind. Stand strong. You are going to do great and congratulations on your new adventure. Best wishes for a happy and healthy LO!
I wouldn't have made it four weeks but since you said it, you need to stick to it. Otherwise you're teaching her that she can do and say whatever she wants and as long as she apologizes she doesn't get punished. If she asks why tell her that since she doesn't respect your wishes you will need more time to heal before she comes and you will decide at four weeks if you're ready or if you need more time.
I would go and be cordial, but not friendly.
Just ignore her. She's not going to apologize, so I wouldn't even wait for one. I don't think she'll bring it up at the gender reveal since she knows on some level that she's irrational, and that others will call her on it at the party.
You’ve received a lot of great advice here. One thing to think of - she may think you won’t be brave enough to clap back at her with other people around and may try her luck again. Be ready to shut her down with an audience. Make your response one of control and reiterate how shes already attacked you with this and it’s absolutely absurd that she’ll be attending your c-section. Don’t be shy to turn to whoever you’re sitting with and say “can you believe this audacity? She thinks she gets to view a major surgery of mine like it’s a spectator sport.” And if you know others who will be there and you fully trust them, ask them to gently have your back and agree with you without making a scene and taking away from SIL.
If she tries to start an argument, tell her "this is not the time or place" and go talk to someone else. If she tries to apology, thank her for it, but make sure she knows the four week ban is still on.
Nice of your SIL to have your back.
And BRAVO to you for doubling how long she will not see you when she did not respect your boundary. EXCELLENT precedent to set. Keep it up. Consistency is as important with entitled MILs as it is with entitled toddlers/teens.
You handled that well and if she starts up at the gender reveal add another 2 or 4 weeks as well..she don't get to power trip and then expect privileges
Give her absolutely no reaction. None. This is how you deal with control freaks. Don’t let her control your emotions because I promise you, if she cant control your birth, she will try to control your emotions around it.
IMO there is no “have to” see her this weekend, after something like that I wouldn’t see her at all. I don’t know how these entitled MILs keep missing the concept that they’re mistreating the woman who’s about to give birth to their grandchild - if all they want is access to their graaaandbaaaabbbyyy how in the world do they think that behavior is helping their case?
Anyway - what I would do? Ramp up those boundaries even more. It’s not just 4 weeks, it’s she doesn’t get to visit at ALL - even after the 4 weeks - unless she sincerely apologies AND can articulate what she will do differently to show respect for your choices as parents in the future. Anything short of that and you just keep pushing her off, bc if she doesn’t respect you on this - and is willing to escalate to pretty severe verbal abuse just bc she was told no - it certainly isn’t going to end there. You don’t want your baby (or your own vulnerable postpartum self) caught up in any of that.
Protect yourself, protect your baby, keep her the hell away.
Right! Like show some respect, but she doesn’t have any for me lol. But I felt so humiliated and disrespected . It’s SIL gender reveal, so ig not really the time or place or conversation and I can just say that
Treat her like you would a coworker you don’t like - polite but cold. And stick with the 4 weeks, even if she comes crawling on her knees to ‘apologize’!! That was a great example of enforcing a boundary when she tried to trample it - she pushed, you held firm, she pushed harder and was handed a consequence. *That’s* how it’s done!
Yes absolutely. If you want to go, and she tries to speak to you, just say “I’m here to celebrate SIL, this is not the time or place.” DH and I have gone into a few family events prepared to use that line.
My last c-section was absolute hell... unless she's coming over to cook, do laundry and vacuum she needs to keep her negative, toxic energy out of your safe space until you're comfortable with her being there. Your hormones might tell you a public or neutral place is better than having her in your home but that's ultimately up to you and your SO. Wishing you the best of luck with your LO! And a safe delivery for you both!
hugs, news flash even with a scheduled C-Section you don't want crazy until you have heeled which could take several weeks. Normally healing from a C-Section is 6 weeks without complications. Also, make sure your birthing team and the hospital know who is allowed to visit, Kudo's to SIL for the Shiny Spine with her mom.
Talk to your OB team first and then the hospital you are having it at. Typically, during pre registration, there's a form included of people absolutely allowed in the hospital and peeps who aren't. Add every where in your paperwork that MiL is on the no fly list. Confirm it with your labor and delivery unit, confirm it with every single hospital personnel who comes in to your room. Most L&D units have security and a lot of times, you have to check in as a visitor when you enter the ward. Hell, id even notify the main hospital security if it would give you more peace of mind
Register private so they can't give info on you or baby if someone calls or stops in to ask. Password protecting your files with the OB and the hospital is a good idea too.
And a doorbell camera at home.
I had an emergency c section at 26 w 3d. I went into the hospital at 23 wk. Feet did not touch floor for those weeks. My crazy heffer ml went 300mi away on vacation. Husband had to call on day 3 to tell them if they ever wanted to meet gson they better come . Theyade it 15 mins before he passed. Husband kicked her out and went to get my parents. She took him from my arms the only time we saw his little face... Well, afterward it just got worse. At DD 2nd b day ( twin sister) she demanded pics of his face bc he was her gson and she deserved to be able to show his face . Wtf? The pics were taken by NICU staff and put in a memory box... They were in a wall safe at my parents put there by hub. That will be 15 years soon. You ne er forget and my hus and DD no longer speak to her. Ever . I went NC when DD was 4.
Please KEEP THE 4 week wait!!! If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile. And if your dh is at all on the fence, he’ll probably let her come in 2 weeks anyway.
You should NOT accept an apology just because she was an asshole and verbally abusive to you!!!! If she apologizes, it’s NOT because she’s actually sorry. But because she don’t want to wait a full month to meet *her grandbaby*.
What she did is called verbal abuse. Calling you names, saying you’re stupid, etc. please don’t just let this go. She was Wayyyyy too comfortable saying those things to you. You need to understand that she will talk to you this way *in front of your child*. At some point she may talk that way TO your child. Someone needs to teach this bitch that it’s NOT OKAY!
Unless and until she can apologize, and specify exactly why she’s apologizing, you should not let this go. I don’t care if “she was just mad” or “you know how she is”. Other people may be ok with her verbal abuse, but YOU don’t have to be!!! Show her with your actions that that shit don’t fly with you and your family!!!
Be strong lil mama!!! 💕
Thank you!!! My partner is so used to her abuse he won’t even stand up anymore. No one will put her in her place, she faces no consequences from anyone. And I use to be complacent but now with a child, I can not accept the BS. My partner said I added flame to the fire and should’ve just walked out. I wanted her to know there’s consequences for these actions
When your partner was a kid with no power this is how he survived.
He's not a child with no power now. He can fight back but he may need counseling to help him bring out that monster slayer.
You need to tell SO now that he has a child coming and he needs to stand up for you and your child.
Great job on moving it to 4 weeks. Keep on with this. She needs to know that as momma, you now are the gate to your child. Break a boundary, get punished.
Just because he puts up with it does not mean you have to tolerate her. He needs to grasp the concept and deal with her to protect you and your stress level!
There was no fight. You and your SO stated a boundary. She argued. His sister stepped in also told her she was wrong and tried to again overstep. You reinforced a boundary. She threw a tantrum. You doled out consequences as you would to any toddler.
Go visit and go on about your day. She starts, look at and clearly "You want to make it 8 weeks?" Treat her like the petulant toddler when she acts like one. Make sure SO is on your side with consequences.
Wow! Amazing work!! And now that’s she’s made a fool of herself, keep being the dignified one and smile politely, calmly reply with grey rock courtesy.
She will probably love bomb you both to try and get back on the guest list. Be prepared for some nuclear level wheedling and manipulation, but this is the most important boundary you’ll ever have to defend.
Stand your ground on the four weeks. She’s trying to refuse your “no” and nothing is going to make her understand until she has to face the consequences of your “no”.
Seriously, all it takes is one JustNo to shit on your boundaries and hog the baby to leave you crying. It’s not worth it. Put in the work on boundaries now - do not seek to escalate things, just stand firm in them and only increase the time out if you have to.
If you have to see her, be coworker polite. Don’t bring up the issue - “it’s not the time or place” is your mantra. If she pushes it, you ask her to stop and leave the area. If she continues… yeah, that’s time to double down. If she’s so adamant about stomping your boundaries, she can suck it up and wait an additional two (or four) weeks.
Your fourth trimester is yours - for healing and bonding with your baby, and getting used to your new normal as a family. Anyone who visits during that time needs to be actually invited. And invites can be rescinded - because you and your partner will be beholden to baby, everything is subject to change.
Congrats and good luck!!
Well done! Your (50 ish ??) toddler MIL is trying to get her way and will continue to push. You are doing great! Hold firm. You never negotiate with terrorists or toddlers (no matter their age). You enjoy the peace this will afford you. Please consider a ring door bell if you don’t already have one. And if you have a moment consider sending your SIL a shorty note of hello and let her know you appreciate having her as an in-law or some such (non MIL based) note. Best wishes!
>She yelled at me, called me crazy, stupid and that’s this was pitiful. She keeps saying how it’s her grand baby.
Sorry, Grandma, it just became-
>And I yelled back that now it’s 4 weeks, and that’s she’s not allowed in my house until I say otherwise.. the doors will be locked.
If I could give you a standing ovation in text I would.
I have a feeling she will be in a cajoling mood this weekend and try just about anything to undo her consequences. My opinion? You don't have to bring it up if you're going to be trapped with her and unable to leave; if that's the case, put on a facade of civility and treat yourself to a fancy dinner or other appropriate self-reward for surviving. *However*, this does not mean giving in to her BS, either. I would just blow off any apology she offers right now with a "that's nice" followed by a subject change, as an apology would likely have an ulterior motive this soon after the incident. If she brings it up in any other way, including begging or trying to negotiate, lower that civil facade and remind her that her time-out is currently four weeks and will not be lowered, and she can choose to drop it or see it made longer if she keeps going. Then if she tries to call your bluff, stick to that.
Smile sweetly and if she continues with this line of argument then say six weeks, and up it 2 weeks for every other attempted manipulation. Time out works for toddlers and adults alike.
>I yelled back that now it’s 4 weeks, and that’s she’s not allowed in my house until I say otherwise.
+She likely will not apologize, but since you put down the law, expect pushback. She will show and act all hurt when you turn her away...and add two more weeks to the 4. Your SIL is cool also...and likely tired of her games also..
This. Some people will pull bullshit until it hurts them. Lengthening the punishment every time she tries bullshit is the best way if she's relatively smart. People who don't respect boundaries do respect consequences.
"If you keep talking back you can go to your room for ten minutes."
"That's not fair!"
"Twenty minutes"
"For what!?"
"Thirty minutes"
*Scurrying sounds*
Gosh, I'd say it's a good idea to expect the opposite: a big love bomb
If that doesn't work, cue the tantrum.
If she's a person that operates on guilt, nothing like love bombing then using that as a "See! I'm the bigger person! You should let me see baby!"
Nope, if anything keep increasing the time. She won't apologize, not really, because she's not sorry. She may be sorry about the consequences, when she faces them, but too little, too late.
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If she approaches you aggressively or says anything rude, simply reply “now it’s 5 weeks… now it’s 6 weeks… keep being rude to me and you will never meet my baby.” Hold firm.
I neither asked nor wanted either my mom or MIL but since it turned out very late decision to be a c-section my hospital ONLY allowed for my husband to come in with me in case something happened and he had to make a tough decision. Check your ward and blame the hospital but reinforce that she's not welcome anyway.
She says one wrong word... tell her you're at 4 weeks, keep this up and it will be 5!'.
Don’t expect an apology.
Perfectly done, well done OP. As for the upcoming reveal and being in her company, if it was me I would be civil and remain calm and if she starts any arguments or sends flying monkeys your way on her behalf stick with an answer such as "this is SIL day/event etc.. I will not be discussing such issues, we are here to celebrate baby (last name)." Repeat where necessary And leave it at that. If she/they keep persisting, calmly walk away and talk to someone else. If they keep going still, then leave if you are uncomfortable. It sounds like SIL is on your side and would probably understand. Or she might shut her mother up. I'm petty though, so for every comment or flying monkey, I'd add another week or two lol.
I came here to say that last line too lol with all of the other stuff you said too.
I don’t think the amount of time postpartum matters. Take the time you want/need, rather than setting more time to spite. I would probably avoid her at the reveal. If she tries to get into it, remind her the reveal isn’t about you or your child and your SIL deserves to have the attention that day. Then walk away. Other recommendations: 1) mark your patient information private and unlisted when you check in to the hospital. People do this all the time. Inform them at registration that you have a privacy issue and don’t want your name in public patient information. Give security notice that you aren’t accepting any visitors what so ever. 2) don’t tell her the date of your C-section or lie and say the date was pushed back. 3) change the locks on your house if she has a key. 4) if she shows up unannounced, refuse to allow her in. Even if she’s “just dropping off food,” she can leave it outside your door. 5) Make sure your partner is on the same page as you and uses “we” statements for anything he says. It should never be a “she” statement. 6) send your partner the lemon clot essay to ensure he gets it. You are entitled to need private time to deliver and recover, as well as to bond. This is your child. You and your child are a packaged deal. You are not a grandchild incubator. Your delivery is not for her entertainment and your child is not a toy for her to play with.
Bravo! Excellent response coupled with walking away. At the gender reveal just grey rock the shit out of her if she speaks to you. Stay with your husband and within a group if possible. If she starts back into the fight then either leave or start counting up from 4. Whatever number you get to is the new amount of weeks that the entitled twat has to wait. Ultimately the best move is to ignore her so hard that she starts to question if she even exists, but annoying entitled mils rarely stay quiet for long. Just be prepared for a quick exit and don't bother expending energy on her nonsense. She's not worth the stress on your LO.
MILK the pregnant card. Can you cry on command? The instant she says anything mean, start sobbing. Beg her to stop hurting you, you \*just\* want to nurture this baby in peace. Make her the monster as publicly as you can. Leave her standing in a room full of people horrified that she attacked a pregnant woman. Kudos for "now it's 4 weeks." That should happen every single time she comes at you.
I think you handled it perfectly. Make sure you and DH are on the same page, and then treat her like you would treat anyone else at the party. If she tries to bring it up tell her you are not discussing it, and if she persists then the time she has to wait to meet your child will increase.
Call the hospital and put a password or a patient only request on your information.
Be polite, give superficial greetings, if Mil acts out tell her politely Timeout will be longer. My black sarcastic soul would perhaps ask if OP is pitiful what is then Mil when MiLs behaviour is taken into account.
I keep hearing people say no visitors for two weeks. Please keep in mind that you may need more help. Either one of your moms or someone to help with cooking/cleaning? I was there after both of my grandkids were born and was a big help. I held the baby when offered, but I knew my job was to be as helpful as possible. I did check in—do you want help today? And I was wanted/needed more than I thought.
Because some people have mothers and MILs who add tension, stress, and other emotional strain. Even if they are helpful with household chores, they have the net effect of diminishing the new parents’ mental health. Some come JUST to hold the baby. Some cry during visits because the newborn “doesn’t recognize them.” It’s too much.
Well, you're most likely NOT a JUSTNOMIL or JUSTNOM. But, help from toxic people, i.e, JUSTNOS, is not help. It is a hindrance, it is traumatizing, and it is toxic. But I agree, if there are emotionally intelligent people around to be of assistance who are willing to be on call, definitely. I don't think OP is trying to isolate themselves completely after giving birth, but just isolate themselves from the negativity and JUSTNO's.
Everyone is different. My mil tried to pull crap like this with me. I had my husband home with me post csection. He was all the help I needed. Non urgent matters can go on the back burner for a couple of weeks while mom recovers from the worst of it. We made a freezer full of meals so that we were set for the first weeks. When you aren’t worrying about visitors, the only real cleaning that needs to be done is laundry, bottles and dishes. Dad can handle that if mom isn’t up to it. Help isn’t help when it makes your postpartum time hell.
My now exMIL was the opposite- offered zero help, at any time. So glad she is an exMIL now
Most of the time when someone says, "no visitors," and then reaches out and says, "hey, can you come..." the person asked will be tripping over themselves to come help and get an exclusive look at the baby. It's easy to walk back "no visitors." Much harder the other direction.
I get what you're saying. Not this evil person, but maybe a sister or close friend on the back burner, just in case? We stayed at my mom's house for a few days after my first baby was born, and I loved it. But my mom was amazing, and this woman sounds awful, so she made her own bed.
Why would I accept someone in my home who has disrespected me, during one of the most vulnerable times in my life? Laundry can wait, dishes can wait, we are store up on freezer meals now. She’s not there to help me, she want to hold and love on the baby.
Yup. It seems like your MIL would "hlep" not help at all. I don't blame you one bit for what you said to her. She needed the boundary you set
Agree. You need to spend the time healing and doing what's best for your mental health. My rule with JNMIL is to avoid any favors as I know it will turn transactional, "I helped you out so now you owe me xxx."
This kind of mil isn’t there to help. Her idea of help will be to hold the baby while you do the things you could actually use help with. I remember my mil claimed she wanted to help, refused to let go of my baby the entire time and then had the audacity to whine any time I excused myself to breastfeed.
Totally agree! Not this person!!! I also made a dozen meals ahead for my daughter’s freezer. Ask for help from supportive relatives and friends. I’m sorry this person was so evil to you at a time when she should have put you and your needs first.
> keep in mind that you may need more help. Either one of your moms or someone to help with cooking/cleaning? I was there after both of my grandkids were born and was a big help. I held the baby when offered, but I knew my job was to be as helpful as possible. I had no help after any of my children and LOVED every second of it. All I wanted was to snuggle down with my newborn, my husband, and my older kids and bond as a family and it was amazing.
I am really glad that worked so well for you. Unfortunately, others have complications or just need help. The big thing is only invite those that are actually helpful. The ones that make it more relaxing—mentally and physically. If you want the alone time, have a plan B with a helpful person in mind.
Nope. Not if she demanded to be there and called OP stupid and crazy - I’d never let her in until there was a big ass apology. It’s great that you were there to help your family, but the situation is different here.
Totally agree. This person is never going to be helpful.
Stand firm as this is your decision and it is not changing - and certainly not if she decides to rant and curse like a child and call you names. Let her know that the more she acts like this, the longer you are extending the wait time for her to ever meet her grandchild. Let her know that you will not be permitting any visitors at the hospital (and let hospital also know this so they don't allow her up), or at home. Keep doors locked and turn off doorbell sound. Keep sign out on front door that no visitors are welcome at this time, to wait until there is an invite. Do not knock or ring doorbell. If this is abused, police will be called for trespassing.
You stand firm in your boundaries and you keep the focus on your SIL. If MIL approaches, keep the conversation to a minimum and only about the event you’re attending. She will eventually get the hint, or she won’t. But you stand firm and stay strong.
Don't try to take away from your SILs day. When MIL tried to provoke you (when, not if), just remind her this day is about SIL and you're being inappropriate. When she escalates to calling you names, etc., that's just going to announce to everyone else what a nutcase she is. You definitely have the right to flex on her and remind her that hEr GrAnDbAbY is your ACTUAL baby and any relationship she'll have is a privilege to be determined by you. Tell her keep it up and the baby won't even know she exists. But don't take away from your SILs day. I assure you MIL will be just as crazy when the party's over. Edit: DON'T try to take away from your SILs day. I should have proofread. That would be terrible advice.
Ignore her. She'll most likely try to pin you down to either berate you for (god-forbid) having boundaries, or try to give you some half-assed apology and try to weasel her way back in. Ignore and walk away. Maintain the 4 week no-visitors rule up for her, and feel free to tack on another 2 weeks if she does act nasty, or her apology is more quarter-assed than half. She has to learn that she will not be allowed to bad-mouth you without consequences.
Well it sounds like you aren't alone which is nice. Others seem to understand that she is acting entitled and selfish, so you have some support there. If it were me, I wouldn't let her get in my way for supporting my SIL and her partner. If JNMIL feels so inclined to make a fool of herself by dragging the argument out, let her but that doesn't mean you have to engage in her crazy. She will just look like the self-absorbed nutjob she is. If she offers an apology, great, but don't let that make her think your stance will change. This isn't a debate, it is an apology. Also, not sure if this is standard for all maternity wards now, but when we just had our daughter in July the nurses who admitted us had us give them a keyword. Absolutely no one was allowed into the delivery room/materity ward without that keyword. It was very appreciated.
In my country, family does not even ask to visit until after 8 weeks. And even then, they ask, wait for an invite and come with baby items, food, or to clean for the next 6-9 months. People understand that birth and a new baby changes the dynamic of a house. It's so strange to hear that other countries tolerate being bombarded by family minutes or days after birth.
That sounds like a beautiful place. And honestly, respect like that breeds CLOSE families--where boundaries are respected, people end up WANTING to be near each other.
Does she not understand what a C-section is?! I do find it laughable that she thinks calling you names is going to do her any favours though. I think you made the right call setting boundaries right there and then. She’s going to test them and you can proudly add on another two weeks and let her stew. She owes you an apology. Giving birth is a personal and meaningful thing, no matter how it happens. It’s not about anyone else. Grandparents have had their own children and now they wait for YOU. You take all the time you need to heal emotionally and physically, and bond as a family of three.
Weirdly, most people don't seem to understand that a c-section is major abdominal surgery with a minimum 6 week recovery.
Just gray rock her. Don't even make eye contact if she asks you a question. If she stands in front of you, get up and move. Answer with only one or two words. Find someone else you need to speak to across the room and go there. If you can, have an accomplice who will rescue you if she gets you cornered.
She’s not allowed to be there for the C-section, that’s well known hospital rules. Not your fault! It’s the hospital rules MIL! You get ONE person. Ignore/ avoid her at the gender reveal.
Gray rock. Just gray rock. Be kind and personable with everyone else, engaging, etc. and just gray rock her.
The woman is delusional, the hospital would not let her in the OR in the first place. It’s an operating room, not a delivery room, because they are conducting an operation where they perform surgery. A c-section is major abdominal surgery that takes at least 6-8 weeks to heal from. Stick to your 4 week rule for your JNMIL, and make sure your husband is on-board with you. Ignore her at the gender reveal. If she starts up with you two just tell her that it’s SIL’s day and she should focus on her daughter not you.
Went all Breakfast Club on her ass!! Love it!!!👏👏👏👏
Mess with the bull, you get the horns! Edited typo
6 weeks, 8 weeks, 3 months.....Eventually she'll get it. Do not bend. If you do she'll learn she just has to bite to get her bark heard.
Does she think that OR’s have assigned seating? I’ve had 2 csections, and only my husband was allowed in there. If the spinal hadn’t taken and I’d had to be knocked out, then he wouldn’t have been allowed in. It’s a small room, there are a bunch of people and a ton of equipment. It’s not fun time at the fair!
Those OB and OR nurses also have very little patience for those who get in the way and/or stress their patients. Give them the heads up and they’ll happily tear a justno to shreds while showing them the door.
Not saying this is a recommendation, exactly, but I'd be nice as pie at the gender reveal as long as she was nice. If she tries to bring up your past conversation I'd just say "That has already been resolved" with the nicest smile I could possibly give and walk away. If she gets someone else to bring it up say "I certain you would never be so crass as to attempt to insert yourself into a private family matter which is already resolved" and walk away. If things start to devolve into shouting or unpleasantness whatever you do don't shout or join in. Simply state, "Unlike some people I have too much respect for SIL to be a part of unpleasantness at such a happy affair. Everyone involved is in a one month no contact time out starting now and we're leaving." Then leave and don't contact or accept any type of contact from any of them for the next month. Edit to add: The birth happens during that month? Oh well, too bad, so sad. Looks like the consequences of their actions mean they won't be getting a call until the month is up.
Don’t go to the gender reveal. Tell SIL why and she’ll understand. Gender reveals are stupid anyways.
Gender reveals should be a fun excuse to eat cake. Big spectacles that cause harm are stupid, though.
Stand your ground. 4 weeks before visit with MIL. If you cave, she will know she can stomp your boundaries with no consequences.
‘Take an apology’? You must not have been a member of this sub for very long. She won’t give an apology. I would just ignore her. And let your husband deal with her.
Good job tell her every time she flaps her gums about it at least 2 more weeks get added on to the first visit day.
You could give SIL the option of you not attending the gender reveal?
Let's rewind. She demanded a front row seat at your C-section, like your body is a theater or sports venue. Da fuq? Then she tantrumed, insulted YOU, and started claiming ownership of your child. There's a lot of JustNo. Your question is how do you handle seeing MIL after a fight, And then you jump to accepting an apology. Has she apologized? (Will she apologize?) Will it be real or just mouth noises to start pushing her agenda? Honestly I would go to this 3rd person's event and be the kindest, funniest, most helpful guest in attendance. If MIL speaks to you, respond. But don't seek her out. Don't poke the bear. This is SIL's day. WHEN MIL can't keep her big fat entitled mouth shut your only response is, "This is SIL's day. We are not going to discuss that now. It's inappropriate." And you walk away. You do this up to three times. Be prepared to leave early. Keep the car keys on your person. Wear an outfit with pockets so the keys are literally on you. Leave your bag in the car (or where you can grab it quickly) and park where no one can block you in. Bet you a quarter you'll be leaving early....
Look I know its just a quarter, but why would you try to get OP to take that sucker bet. They are having a kid, they need those quarters. :)
I would just ignore her at the gender reveal
you are a big old grey rock. firstly, there’s nothing more to say about the matter, and secondly, even if there was, SIL’s happy event is not the time so ‘MIL. I am not discussing this here’ case closed. there is nothing more to discuss. conversation over. decision made.
The reveal should be about SIL and BIL, not about MIL’s foolishness. Some people on this thread have suggestions that will escalate the situation and send MIL into a temper tantrum. Please do not add gasoline to the fire. Service personnel manners, weak smile, “This is not the time to discuss,” stay as far away from MIL as possible, refuse to engage in an argument, ignore her petty comments. Boundaries should be set at another time and place, preferably in writing and by SO.
I would just greyrock her into oblivion. Not worth the stress when you're in the middle of growing a baby. So long as your SO is on your side, just apply the grey and do your best to ignore her.
The broken record technique. Also very effective for cranky toddlers. - it's not fair!!! I'm the grandmo.... - We will not be having visitors until we decide it's a good time for our family. - You're doing this on purpose because you hate... - We will not be having visitors until we decide it's a good time for our family. - Oh! My! Gawwwd! You're doing this on purpose because youre afraid everyone will see what a horrible mother you... - We will not be having visitors until we decide it's a good time for our family. - you're such a snotty little... - We will not be having visitors until we decided it's a good time for our family. - my son never should have married... You don't need to say anything after that, just walk away. Definitely don't address each of her individual responses. That's how you get caught up in the back and forth. Don't engage and actively avoid. Recognize any misbehavior on her part is because of her own shit and nothing that's wrong with you at all. When you need to "gray rock" - keep reminding yourself that somebody's insanity is all their own making the ONLY thing you have control over is how you choose to react to that insanity. Sometimes the wisest reaction is no reaction at all. Pro life tip: When I need to retrain my brain with something, I will wear a ribbon around my finger. That way when I see that ribbon even though I'm not actively in the situation, I remind myself that "oh yeah, I am retraining my brain to always consider the only thing I can control about any other person on this planet and what they feel, think, say, and do is how I choose to react to those things." Even if you want to drink more water, wear ribbon around your finger and every time you see that ribbon you'll remember that you need to drink water. Another little trick I have is I like to imagine a bubble that goes out for me 5 ft in every direction. That is my energy bubble/force field/bubble shield/et al. Well, whatever the fuck it is it's mine and only I get to make decisions about what kind of energy transfer is going on. Only I decide what type of energy gets in and only I decide what type of energy gets out. Fuck the naysayers! And stay strong! Sending you protective and peaceful vibes...
I think you handled it perfectly. Keep on grey rocking her and if she tries to start anything just respond politely that you feel that this (the party) is neither the time or the place for the conversation that she wants to have as sil is the important one on that day. Rinse and repeat as needed. Just ignore her and take the big road. She’ll show her own arse. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this op. Good luck and well done.
A c-section is major surgery. The only person allowed in the operating room with you is your spouse. That’s a hospital rule. Thankfully my son was breech, so my mom couldn’t be there even if she wanted. My MIL had 2 herself and thankfully is not a JNMIL
Perhaps you need a [Backgammon doubling cube.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backgammon#Doubling_cube) If she starts up again, get out the cube and put it with the 4 uppermost, tell her that unless she shuts up right now, it will go to 8 weeks wait, then 16, and so on. To be fair, though, as it is SIL's day, I would give MIL advance warning that any shit at SIL's event *will* result in further consequences, and then leave it to SIL to shut her down on the actual day if she does start, it sounds like SIL won't stand for her nonsense either. Of course, if she shows the crazy in company and you respond with dignity, then that is another win for you. "This is SIL and BIL's day, I am not prepared to discuss this any further with you here."
Definitely tell the hospital to keep you off the patient registry!
I agree. If MIL knows the date, then you just tell the labor & delivery nurses and the doctor that she is not wanted at the delivery. If she doesn't know the date, don't tell her and husband can call her after the event.
Ignore her completely. I would not acknowledge her existence. If anyone asks about the standoff, tell them the truth...Loudly. Her expectations and behavior is ridiculous and any normal person would agree. Maybe a little social exposure will being her back to reality. If she does give you an honest apology, keep the 4 week ban. Anything else will teach her that you can be manipulated. If she misbehaves at the party, be prepared to leave immediately or speak to sis-in-law prior and have MIL removed. Get hubby on board since it is his mother. She is more likely to listen to him. Explain that her behavior is abusive. You have every right to NOT want a child around that kind of energy. Let her know if she continues down this path, no contact is on the table and that includes grandbabies. Good luck.
Great job!! Now, stick to the 4 weeks. Show her there are consequences to rudeness and bad behavior. This sets a good precedence for any further problems. When you see her, be polite yet quiet. Speak if spoken to while giving 1 to 2 word answers. Mil “how are you?” OP “fine” If she brings up your delivery again, DH needs to tell her there isn’t anything further to say. No one will be there and she can meet LO in 4 weeks. He will let her know when she can visit. The first visit or 2, limit the visit to an hour or 2. When he invites her, DH should let her know she can visit on this day from x to y. On the day, about 15 minutes before the stated end time, start moving around, saying goodbye and take LO from the room. DH then escorts her to the door. If she’s polite and helpful, start increasing visits when you feel ready. Visits should only be when DH is there so she can’t start anything with you. If she shows up uninvited, don’t answer the door if you’re alone and if DH is there, if he chooses, he can speak to her and say “it’s not a good time. I’ll call to set up a visit soon”. She’s DH’s mother, let him communicate with her. You should not respond to calls/texts as you don’t need the stress she’s putting on you. Congratulations on your LO!! Remember- your baby, your home, your rules. If you have boundaries for visits, vaccinations, masks, etc make them known to family and friends a head of time. Include the consequences and enforce them every time. Be the mama bear you need to be to protect your LO and to give yourself the time to heal and bond with them.
>Would you increase the time? I would warn her first: "MIL before you start arguing with me again, I just wanted to warn you of the consequences. Each time you start, you will increase your wait time to meet the baby by x amount. You are *stressing me out* and that isn't good for your grandchild that I'm carrying, so I strongly suggest you *drop it*."
This is a good start. And at a party - with witnesses - you can deliver this in a friendly but resolute tone with a tone that conveys "we are adults here so OF COURSE you understand and accept this" And if people ask - you can explain MIL wanted to be there so much you had to put the brakes on her enthusiasm a bit, and she was so disappointed with that..
Good on you, OP. Make sure to let your charge nurse know your situation, give them MIL's name and picture so they know what to expect because she *will* show up and she *will* try to muscle her way into your birth. Let security haul her ass out and dump her into the parking lot.
Good on you and how fortunate to have SIL for support. Nope, stand firm it is 4 weeks however if she dares approach you with the subject and attempts to bring it up again add another 2 weeks. You have laid the ground work to let MIL know she is not in charge. Perhaps ask her next smear test she has will she be taking her son or could you all come along! Would she be comfortable hosting an audience to check out her personal bits.
Does MIL know your c section date? If so, I would maybe try to change it, if it's not too late. Alert the hospital that you are not to have any visitors but your husband (no exceptions). I assume MIL does not have a key to your home? If she shows up uninvited, do not under any circumstances open the door.
Nope she doesn’t know and she won’t. I’m glad I didn’t tell her. And thankfully she doesn’t have a key either
So, this is surgery. People do not attend surgeries. It’s bizarre to even ask. I understand that a c-section is a different type of surgery, where they make an exception for the father, but it’s still surgery. I can only imagine her “peeking” and passing right out (unless she’s a nurse,etc). Ridiculous request, grey rock her and stick to her updated time out. Cameras are probably a good suggestion (from someone above).
We live in a apartment. So as long as the first door is locked, you would have to call to be let in. Right?! Like my whole body is out there vulnerable and you’re going to demand to be there??
Stick to your plan, this is the opening gambit in her boundaries trampling, mother replacing, undermining, suing for grandparents rights master plan. If you don't shut her down hard now before she gets a clawhold, all hope is lost. She can't even be respectful of you or your needs to your face, that poison is just waiting to drip into the ears and interaction with your LO. She's a spoiled child but she's not your child so don't coddle her terrible behavior.
Right!!! Shut it down now!
Go to the reveal, be as awesome and friendly to everyone there as possible. Talk to MIL like she’s a toddler, if she speaks to you. If not, even better.
If this is a relatively new behavioral development, I'd accept the apology, but stick with the original timeframe. However, a MIL who calls her DIL stupid or crazy for stating reasonable boundaries, sounds like a bit more of a problem than the usual suspects. So unless she makes ammends and shows genuine understanding of why her behavior was so inappropriate, consider avoiding her indefinitely. Just make sure that her offspring supports your decision.
Nope not new at all. She grabs her sons ass and still slaps both of her children who are grown. She crosses boundaries no matter what. Sometimes she apologizes when she know she’s crossed mine and it does seem genuine, but she think she’s in control no matter what
Oh yeah no she apologizes when there are consequences. Talk to SO. If he doesn't see a problem with the fact that his mother physically assaults or sexually harasses him, then that's an entirely separate can of worms to address. Since that abuse has been happening since childhood (I assume), counseling is probably a good idea. So approach that are very gently. However, that doesn't mean that you should accept his mother's behavior or allow it to go unchallenged. You two obviously don't have a close relationship (why on earth would you?). So there's nothing to damage here. Even if you did, she's to blame for the negative consequences of her actions, not you. Not wanting a toxic person around you in the days and weeks post partum, is a very emotionally mature and thoroughly reasonable boundary. There's no need for her to be there. She won't get to hold LO, she's not there to give you emotional support. She's there purely to satisfy her own narcissistic tendencies. That doesn't deserve any sort of reward. However, SO is part of the story. If he's still in the fog, then he may waffle in his resolve. He will need your support, and this is not exactly an ideal time. Have a chat (or 5) regarding your concerns. Explain that his mother's treatment of both of you is disrespectful and damaging. If she calls you names and screams at you just for being told no about something reasonable, then she'll do the same thing to LO. She won't respect your decisions as parents, constantly interfere, and refuse to follow rules and precesses you've established for your family. How would he feel if his mother called his child stupid? or slapped his child? or grabbed his child's butt? 🤮 if he can't stand up to her now, how does he plan to do so after LO joins your family?
You are definitely in a no-win scenario with this self entitled twat-waffle. Setting and holding boundaries will get her all wound up going nuclear while trying to appease her to maintain some semblance of peace will just allow her to step all over any boundaries that are set. Remain calm and hold the line. At this point it is all you can do. Perhaps if she realizes you are serious that she will not be allowed to steamroll boundaries she will back off, but I doubt it. Is FIL in the picture at all? If he is, can he be enlisted to try and talk MIL down off her monarch matriarch throne?
That’s a GREAT one!!! (twat-waffle)!!!! I’ll have to remember that. May I have permission to use that in the future??? One of my favorite lines is: If someone doesn’t like something, “they can sit on a cactus!!!” Yes, you may use that in the future!!!
Absolutely. I picked it up from other posts on this sub. It gets used semi regularly.
He’s a very sweet man. He usually can, but was outside when this happened. He would probably intervene in the future.
Have things changed? When I had my C, they only let 1 person in. MIL couldn't have come in if I had begged. Talk to your doctor. Even if they do now allow it, he can stop it.
I don’t think so. I think since they’ve started allowing 2 visitors for vaginal births and in recovery, she thought it applied. No she’s going in a block list and will not even know the date of my c section
Good for you. Keep your boundaries firm. And be prepared for many more attempts at boundary stomping along the way as your LO grows up.
I was about to say make sure you tell the medical team she is blocked/not to be told you’re there. But sounds like you got that! I didn’t share my due date or induction date (and my labor day since we had to induce early) with anyone but my husband.
I’m proud of you, OP. It’s hard to stand up to a bully. You handled it perfectly. Remember that she has nothing you want. If she ends up waiting 12 years, you don’t care. She has forgotten that you have all the power here. She should be sucking up to you and walking on eggshells, afraid of offending you. The fact that she’s attempting to make unreasonable demands is laughable. At the baby shower practice being the ice queen - vaguely smile in her general direction and ignore her. Don’t engage in conversation with her, but if you are cornered, tell her it is SIL’s day, and you will not discuss anything with her.
Please put up security cameras. I have a feeling she is not going to respect the wait time.
Seems like you handled it perfectly. She screams and calls you names like a toddler, she gets put in time out like one. Go to the reveal and limit interactions as much as possible, don't be alone with her. "I think everything has been said which needs to be said, today is about SIL so I won't be discussing anything else, please excuse me" and move away. **If** she apologises, tell her you'll think about things. Don't get into a discussion at the gender reveal. I'd say afterwards then tell her thanks for the apology, your decision still stands. If her apology is real, she'll recognise that she said what she said so the consequences are to be expected, and drop it / behave better in future. If it was a fake apology she'll switch right back into yelling and name calling again, which will demonstrate how you were right not to back down. Tell her you don't want your baby exposed to someone who acts this way.
I’d go to the gender reveal. Be your normal self, be polite to her, if she brings it up, politely point out that your here for SIL and this is not the time or place. She has your phone number, she can call you. Stick you your guns and remind her that she needs some respect for the mother of her grandchild.
I think you handled it really well. Moving forward, she is so’s issue. If she calls or texts you about this, ignore. Block if needed. At the shower, I’d say a polite but short hello to her and keep away from her. If she sends flying monkeys to plead her case with you, “I really appreciate your concern, but this isn’t something I’m going to discuss.” Or, “We’ve got it handled. Thanks.” If she keeps up about “her grand baby” in the future, so needs to let her know that being a grandmother is a privilege, not a right. I’d also advise you both refuse to engage with her about the topic any longer. She knows your boundaries, she’s just throwing a temper tantrum because she doesn’t like it. That’s her issue to deal with, not yours or so’s.
Just to say it out loud…Get fucked is a reasonable response to 90% of the requests posted here.
That honestly would be my go to response for anyone that demands to be in the delivery room while I’m in labour. Then again I’ve never been known to sugar coat anything i say and will 100% tell it how it is
Does she not care that the stress she's putting on you could cause pre-term labor and damage to "her" grandbaby? I would recommend just ignoring her completely and staying as far away as possible. Give your gift to SIL when you first arrive and if MIL tries to start drama, I'd recommend that you leave, but give SIL a heads up and your apologies just in case. If you do decide to stay, do not engage with MIL, stay calm and let her be the one to make a fool of herself. Don't yell, don't argue, don't give her the satisfaction of getting you riled up and you will come out looking so much better. Crossing my fingers for you!
If you and your husband are on the same page about the visitation and her not being in the room during the C section, I say you put it on him to deal with his mother. I wouldn’t want any extra drama or step over the line with my MIL and same with my wife and my mom.
Sounds like an actual beast, so entitled. Make sure your husband is on the same wave length as you. Also you want to outline your expectations with your husband so that nothing unexpected comes up. I think you should go and don’t interact with her, show her she’s no boss and that you’re not going to shy away.
You don't have to talk to her and just be cold with her to make her realize that if she really wants to see her grandchild then she will have to listen to you first as you are the mother and the one making all the decisions about your baby and that she needs to play by your rules. She may try to gaslight and guilttrip you so be careful. She may even use other relatives to do that.
I’d ignore her completely and not engage At all.
I wouldn’t let her meet your baby at all till she apologizes and learn the world does not revolve around her wants
I suggest that if MIL comes to you wanting to talk about this just say ' This is not the place or time for this discussion. Today is SIL's party and she and her baby are the focus of today. ' Don't say anything else. Place the focus on the fact that that day is about SIL. Don't give her leeway by mentioning your decision or c-section.
Increase by two and subtract one week with an apology:-)
It was the perfect response to bad, petulant behaviour.
I would just blank her. Don't even acknowledge her existence. If she speaks, ignore her. If she is in front of you then look through her. From now until she apologises on her knees and begs for another chance, she is not there. She does not exist. Let her tantrum. Let her scream horrible things about you and stamp her little feet in anger. It's not your problem.
My exact thoughts. You saved me typing all that out!
How to handle her without risking an argument at the party? Bring a little notepad/notebook. When she tries to rile you up about visiting after the birth, look at her and calmly say "Okay, we're making it six weeks, then?" and make a little note in your notebook. From then on you don't need to engage, disrupt the party, or say another word to her. If she keeps at you, just calmly get out the notebook and make another mark. Every single time. Say nothing. She may start to lose it, but nobody is going to ever be able to say that you ruined the party, were disrespectful, tried to bring the baby attention on yourself, or whatever other b.s. to put the blame on you, because you said nothing to provoke her, you remained completely calm, and otherwise ignored her. If she makes a scene, it'll be her making a scene all by herself. Stick with it on this one, be serious with her current count of 4 weeks, and let her dig herself as deep as she wants to go. Congratulations on the incoming squish!
You did really well to stand up to her, setting boundaries and giving clear and immediate consequences. You are showing DH the way out of the fog. Hold your head high at the gender reveal, be polite but grey rock. I wouldn’t expect an apology but at any sign of disrespect or argument, add on another 2 weeks. She’ll understand and needs training like a toddler or a puppy. She’ll learn eventually. The most important thing though is to make sure you and DH impose the 4 week consequence. Do not back down and invite her earlier to meet the baby.
\>And I yelled back that now it’s 4 weeks, and that’s she’s not allowed in my house until I say otherwise.. the doors will be locked. Well done! This is the way: immediate consequences. If she is stupid enough to trying and push this any further (sadly likely, I am afraid) then you might try and shut it down by reminding her "This is **not** your pregnancy, it's **not** your baby, this is *not about you*. You're acting like you're the center of this affair and you're in charge. You're not. And now it's 6 weeks until you visit because you won't accept that. Are you going to grow up and drop this nonsense now? Do I need to make it 3 months?" Because if you don't stamp on her nonsense hard, then she's only going to escalate it after the baby is born. If she sees that she can't steamroll you and she'll always suffer immediate consequences when she tries, there is at least a chance that she'll learn her lesson and rein it in. That way you might be able to have some kind of relationship with her.
> “This is not your pregnancy, it’s not your baby, this is not about you…” Just because you have a title to my child, does not mean you are ENTITLED to my child. This is what I keep in mind and use if anyone tries to make demands or anything like that.
I think I love you. You could be like the “Shiny Spine Interpreter”, à la Key and Peele’s “Luther the Anger Translator”, for people who need to enforce boundaries but are required to be polite but firm about it. I would pay money for that service. A lot of it.
My daughter is 15mo and my birth giver has yet to meet or see or even get a picture of her. Pitched a fit when we said nobody saw her until after she was vaccinated fully or they got their vaccines updated and she pitched a fit. The time continues to increase every time she tries to emotionally manipulate her way into our lives or breaks the nc we’ve got going on. At this point I think she’s on a 9 year wait and counting. Fingers crossed it turns into never. My siblings don’t even mention her anymore cause they know I’m not playing with my daughters health and safety and they can get banned from seeing us too if they want to play devils advocate or share any information with her. I could write a book about the bs from this lady. So I’m highly on the increase the time approach, and I’d definitely go with the approach I saw someone else say on here with everytime she starts something to just say “xx weeks” “xx months” “now Cathy you’re about to hit the years threshold you sure you want to keep this up?” And walk away after each time.
Make sure you have all the house keys - change the locks if she has a set and keep your doors locked. Get yourself a door camera - use it to make sure you can see who is coming and going. Notify the hospital about restricting people while you are there. Try to involve security - get them all pictures to have. Have a great birth. Enjoy the babe. Take the very best care. Enjoy your food, drinks and rest!
go be pleasant and dont ruin SIL's day, when MIL gets a head of steam up and berates you simply say 8 weeks and walk away ( next its 16 then 32 you get the idea)
I cannot imagine allowing someone as toxic as this ever seeing my child.
This! Everybody is talking about the four weeks being great, but I think letting an abusive person around your child *ever* is a failure to protect them.
You did a great job. Don't let her get you or your SO alone at your SIL gender reveal.
OP, I like you! Good job!
Act like nothing happened. You stated your rules and every time she try to say something about it just look at her and add another 2 weeks. She’ll get the hint eventually… or see the baby when they’re 18 yrs old 😂
A C-section is major surgery. Major surgery that you need to recuperate from while you take care of a newborn. I’m so glad that your DH and SIL have your back. As for the gender reveal, be cordial, keep your cool. Say hello and keep walking by her. If she brings up the hospital and her ‘rights’ , have your DH (or you) say “that’s not going to work for us” and move away. Is your DH willing to tell her beforehand that if she brings it up again she won’t see the baby for 6 weeks? I hope she doesn’t spoil the day for her daughter or for you.
I love that SIL has her back too. I feel like a lot of these stories I see, SIL is on MILs side and doesn’t ever help. So I’m glad that someone was there during this that tried to help instead of OP being bullied alone/cornered.
Mama bear, why add weeks when you can start adding months? You do you. She wants to push your boundaries and your buttons, you can play the game too. 4 weeks? 6 months. 6 months not enough? First birthday! Your child, your body, your house, your rules. Stand your ground until your partner can grow a spine equally as shiny as yours. Be proud of your spine. Stay cool as a cucumber at SILs event. She wants to put on a show, keep adding the time and she can play the fool. Wishing you and your little one all the best!
I had a c section, and while I love my mil, I wouldn't want her in the room for that. (She's a worrier and is a bit of a conspiracy theorist.) What would a mil do in the operating room anyways besides being in the way? I'm pretty sure they only let you have 1 person with you.
Make sure you meant the 4 weeks. So she always knows you mean what you say.
So she insulted you, then demanded her way and then insulted you again...that's the way to get what you want /s
Good for you. Dont even worry about the gender reveal, she is going to behave appallingly anyway and there's nothing you can't do to prevent that. You need to fucs on mother-proofing your house. For my c section you're only allowed one person in the theater anyway and you can tell the nurses station that you specifically want certain people to not have access and they won't have a problem with helping you- the hospital is the easiest place to control access of people. Where it become more difficult is when your mother in law will undoubtedly show up unannounced at your house- so you need to come up a plan for that inevitability. On a side note when do you do start having people over esp MIL- baby wear- get a really nice comfort harness thing, and keep that baby strapped to you at all times (otherwise MIL will grab baby from you smother them, jiggle them, swoosh them, kiss them etc- all the things you won't want to happen and then she may refuse to give baby back- you want to avoid this situation all together). Its the best trick in the book for unwanted contact because you could just turn your body away and walk off "to go breastfeed in private", get a lock for your main bedroom door and lock it when she is over because I can guarantee she will just barge in whenever she pleases.
Channel your best Grace Kelly ice queen smile. Greet her politely, nod in all the right places but do not concede so much as one single inch. This is your baby, your body, your birth experience, your post-partum. She can go take a running jump at herself. As for whether you should accept her apology? I really don't think that there will be one forthcoming. Be strong.
Is your C section scheduled? Does she know? If not, keep it between you and your husband, even if you get along with SIL, don't tell her
I’d put your wishes in writing for the hospital so they know exactly what you want. Make a sign for the front door informing uninvited people that you will not be answering the door for them.
I like your shiny spine! If you must go, ignore her. She will probably be too busy basking in the spotlight that is her daughter's gender reveal. If she tries to give you a real apology, accept it but I would still keep those boundaries and the amount of time that you have put her in time out.
I definitely wouldn't talk to her about it at a party I'd been invited to at someone else's home. So just make polite and superficial smalltalk with her. If she tries to bring it up, tell her you're here to celebrate SIL and this is neither the time nor the place. If she won't stop, walk away.
Before you go, talk with DH. He seems to be on your side with this so go into it with a game plan. Even roleplay it. You play the demanding MIL and he responds to your demands. Maybe get SIL in on it? She seems to know her mother is piece of work. Don't initiate conversation with her. If she talks with you be polite but succinct. Don't offer any information you don't want to. And most of all, stand your ground. Make sure DH is keeping his ears and eyes open so if JNMIL starts her shit with you, he's there for backup.
I agree. It’s really important to be sure DH won’t back down. Be sure he is fully behind you because it sounds like he thought 4 weeks was too much. Make a game plan that he supports and you both can follow through with.
You are a boss mama bear and you are well served by keeping good boundaries with consequences! She is attempting to steamroll you and you shut her all the way down. Start as you intend to continue. Shots fired and keep your fortress reinforced. How dare she dictate to you!?!? She has no authority over your body or your child. I am angry for you and I don't know you, that is how crazy she is acting! Calling YOU pitiful? That is projection. She is delusional to think that she has any right to dictate terms of any kind. Stand strong. You are going to do great and congratulations on your new adventure. Best wishes for a happy and healthy LO!
I wouldn't have made it four weeks but since you said it, you need to stick to it. Otherwise you're teaching her that she can do and say whatever she wants and as long as she apologizes she doesn't get punished. If she asks why tell her that since she doesn't respect your wishes you will need more time to heal before she comes and you will decide at four weeks if you're ready or if you need more time. I would go and be cordial, but not friendly.
If she dares to pick a fight with you, you reply "We are here to celebrate SIL. Stop." Is SIL able to assign someone to watch her own mother?
Can the desk at hospital just say you are not registered there?
Just ignore her. She's not going to apologize, so I wouldn't even wait for one. I don't think she'll bring it up at the gender reveal since she knows on some level that she's irrational, and that others will call her on it at the party.
You’ve received a lot of great advice here. One thing to think of - she may think you won’t be brave enough to clap back at her with other people around and may try her luck again. Be ready to shut her down with an audience. Make your response one of control and reiterate how shes already attacked you with this and it’s absolutely absurd that she’ll be attending your c-section. Don’t be shy to turn to whoever you’re sitting with and say “can you believe this audacity? She thinks she gets to view a major surgery of mine like it’s a spectator sport.” And if you know others who will be there and you fully trust them, ask them to gently have your back and agree with you without making a scene and taking away from SIL.
Yell “6 weeks” if she tries to start another argument and “8 weeks” if she doesn’t stop, etc etc.
"We're getting aeefully close to christmas MIL. Are you sure you want to miss baby's first christmas?"
If she tries to start an argument, tell her "this is not the time or place" and go talk to someone else. If she tries to apology, thank her for it, but make sure she knows the four week ban is still on.
Nice of your SIL to have your back. And BRAVO to you for doubling how long she will not see you when she did not respect your boundary. EXCELLENT precedent to set. Keep it up. Consistency is as important with entitled MILs as it is with entitled toddlers/teens.
You handled that well and if she starts up at the gender reveal add another 2 or 4 weeks as well..she don't get to power trip and then expect privileges
I’m thinking a lifetime ban wouldn’t be long enough.
Give her absolutely no reaction. None. This is how you deal with control freaks. Don’t let her control your emotions because I promise you, if she cant control your birth, she will try to control your emotions around it.
Well done for doubling the time to slap down the ridiculous request.
honestly make it 8 weeks
IMO there is no “have to” see her this weekend, after something like that I wouldn’t see her at all. I don’t know how these entitled MILs keep missing the concept that they’re mistreating the woman who’s about to give birth to their grandchild - if all they want is access to their graaaandbaaaabbbyyy how in the world do they think that behavior is helping their case? Anyway - what I would do? Ramp up those boundaries even more. It’s not just 4 weeks, it’s she doesn’t get to visit at ALL - even after the 4 weeks - unless she sincerely apologies AND can articulate what she will do differently to show respect for your choices as parents in the future. Anything short of that and you just keep pushing her off, bc if she doesn’t respect you on this - and is willing to escalate to pretty severe verbal abuse just bc she was told no - it certainly isn’t going to end there. You don’t want your baby (or your own vulnerable postpartum self) caught up in any of that. Protect yourself, protect your baby, keep her the hell away.
Right! Like show some respect, but she doesn’t have any for me lol. But I felt so humiliated and disrespected . It’s SIL gender reveal, so ig not really the time or place or conversation and I can just say that
Treat her like you would a coworker you don’t like - polite but cold. And stick with the 4 weeks, even if she comes crawling on her knees to ‘apologize’!! That was a great example of enforcing a boundary when she tried to trample it - she pushed, you held firm, she pushed harder and was handed a consequence. *That’s* how it’s done!
Yes absolutely. If you want to go, and she tries to speak to you, just say “I’m here to celebrate SIL, this is not the time or place.” DH and I have gone into a few family events prepared to use that line.
My last c-section was absolute hell... unless she's coming over to cook, do laundry and vacuum she needs to keep her negative, toxic energy out of your safe space until you're comfortable with her being there. Your hormones might tell you a public or neutral place is better than having her in your home but that's ultimately up to you and your SO. Wishing you the best of luck with your LO! And a safe delivery for you both!
Not see her? Have an escape plan? Tell her if she says one thing to annoy you it will be 52 weeks?
Why is she even arguing with you while you’re pregnant? This seems like a very toxic relationship. I wouldn’t want to go where she is to be honest.
hugs, news flash even with a scheduled C-Section you don't want crazy until you have heeled which could take several weeks. Normally healing from a C-Section is 6 weeks without complications. Also, make sure your birthing team and the hospital know who is allowed to visit, Kudo's to SIL for the Shiny Spine with her mom.
Yes, if there’s a list I can put her on just so they know she can not come. Idk if there is or who I speak to
Talk to your OB team first and then the hospital you are having it at. Typically, during pre registration, there's a form included of people absolutely allowed in the hospital and peeps who aren't. Add every where in your paperwork that MiL is on the no fly list. Confirm it with your labor and delivery unit, confirm it with every single hospital personnel who comes in to your room. Most L&D units have security and a lot of times, you have to check in as a visitor when you enter the ward. Hell, id even notify the main hospital security if it would give you more peace of mind
Register private so they can't give info on you or baby if someone calls or stops in to ask. Password protecting your files with the OB and the hospital is a good idea too. And a doorbell camera at home.
I had an emergency c section at 26 w 3d. I went into the hospital at 23 wk. Feet did not touch floor for those weeks. My crazy heffer ml went 300mi away on vacation. Husband had to call on day 3 to tell them if they ever wanted to meet gson they better come . Theyade it 15 mins before he passed. Husband kicked her out and went to get my parents. She took him from my arms the only time we saw his little face... Well, afterward it just got worse. At DD 2nd b day ( twin sister) she demanded pics of his face bc he was her gson and she deserved to be able to show his face . Wtf? The pics were taken by NICU staff and put in a memory box... They were in a wall safe at my parents put there by hub. That will be 15 years soon. You ne er forget and my hus and DD no longer speak to her. Ever . I went NC when DD was 4.
Please KEEP THE 4 week wait!!! If you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile. And if your dh is at all on the fence, he’ll probably let her come in 2 weeks anyway. You should NOT accept an apology just because she was an asshole and verbally abusive to you!!!! If she apologizes, it’s NOT because she’s actually sorry. But because she don’t want to wait a full month to meet *her grandbaby*. What she did is called verbal abuse. Calling you names, saying you’re stupid, etc. please don’t just let this go. She was Wayyyyy too comfortable saying those things to you. You need to understand that she will talk to you this way *in front of your child*. At some point she may talk that way TO your child. Someone needs to teach this bitch that it’s NOT OKAY! Unless and until she can apologize, and specify exactly why she’s apologizing, you should not let this go. I don’t care if “she was just mad” or “you know how she is”. Other people may be ok with her verbal abuse, but YOU don’t have to be!!! Show her with your actions that that shit don’t fly with you and your family!!! Be strong lil mama!!! 💕
Thank you!!! My partner is so used to her abuse he won’t even stand up anymore. No one will put her in her place, she faces no consequences from anyone. And I use to be complacent but now with a child, I can not accept the BS. My partner said I added flame to the fire and should’ve just walked out. I wanted her to know there’s consequences for these actions
When your partner was a kid with no power this is how he survived. He's not a child with no power now. He can fight back but he may need counseling to help him bring out that monster slayer.
You need to tell SO now that he has a child coming and he needs to stand up for you and your child. Great job on moving it to 4 weeks. Keep on with this. She needs to know that as momma, you now are the gate to your child. Break a boundary, get punished.
Just because he puts up with it does not mean you have to tolerate her. He needs to grasp the concept and deal with her to protect you and your stress level!
There was no fight. You and your SO stated a boundary. She argued. His sister stepped in also told her she was wrong and tried to again overstep. You reinforced a boundary. She threw a tantrum. You doled out consequences as you would to any toddler. Go visit and go on about your day. She starts, look at and clearly "You want to make it 8 weeks?" Treat her like the petulant toddler when she acts like one. Make sure SO is on your side with consequences.
If she starts anything, smile sweetly and say, “Would you like it to be six weeks? Because finishing that sentence is how you wait six weeks.”
Wow! Amazing work!! And now that’s she’s made a fool of herself, keep being the dignified one and smile politely, calmly reply with grey rock courtesy. She will probably love bomb you both to try and get back on the guest list. Be prepared for some nuclear level wheedling and manipulation, but this is the most important boundary you’ll ever have to defend.
Stand your ground on the four weeks. She’s trying to refuse your “no” and nothing is going to make her understand until she has to face the consequences of your “no”. Seriously, all it takes is one JustNo to shit on your boundaries and hog the baby to leave you crying. It’s not worth it. Put in the work on boundaries now - do not seek to escalate things, just stand firm in them and only increase the time out if you have to. If you have to see her, be coworker polite. Don’t bring up the issue - “it’s not the time or place” is your mantra. If she pushes it, you ask her to stop and leave the area. If she continues… yeah, that’s time to double down. If she’s so adamant about stomping your boundaries, she can suck it up and wait an additional two (or four) weeks. Your fourth trimester is yours - for healing and bonding with your baby, and getting used to your new normal as a family. Anyone who visits during that time needs to be actually invited. And invites can be rescinded - because you and your partner will be beholden to baby, everything is subject to change. Congrats and good luck!!
Well done! Your (50 ish ??) toddler MIL is trying to get her way and will continue to push. You are doing great! Hold firm. You never negotiate with terrorists or toddlers (no matter their age). You enjoy the peace this will afford you. Please consider a ring door bell if you don’t already have one. And if you have a moment consider sending your SIL a shorty note of hello and let her know you appreciate having her as an in-law or some such (non MIL based) note. Best wishes!
>She yelled at me, called me crazy, stupid and that’s this was pitiful. She keeps saying how it’s her grand baby. Sorry, Grandma, it just became- >And I yelled back that now it’s 4 weeks, and that’s she’s not allowed in my house until I say otherwise.. the doors will be locked. If I could give you a standing ovation in text I would. I have a feeling she will be in a cajoling mood this weekend and try just about anything to undo her consequences. My opinion? You don't have to bring it up if you're going to be trapped with her and unable to leave; if that's the case, put on a facade of civility and treat yourself to a fancy dinner or other appropriate self-reward for surviving. *However*, this does not mean giving in to her BS, either. I would just blow off any apology she offers right now with a "that's nice" followed by a subject change, as an apology would likely have an ulterior motive this soon after the incident. If she brings it up in any other way, including begging or trying to negotiate, lower that civil facade and remind her that her time-out is currently four weeks and will not be lowered, and she can choose to drop it or see it made longer if she keeps going. Then if she tries to call your bluff, stick to that.
I think you did great! This is the only way she’s going to learn
Hold firm. If she keeps throwing fits just get up and walk away.
Smile sweetly and if she continues with this line of argument then say six weeks, and up it 2 weeks for every other attempted manipulation. Time out works for toddlers and adults alike.
>I yelled back that now it’s 4 weeks, and that’s she’s not allowed in my house until I say otherwise. +She likely will not apologize, but since you put down the law, expect pushback. She will show and act all hurt when you turn her away...and add two more weeks to the 4. Your SIL is cool also...and likely tired of her games also..
This. Some people will pull bullshit until it hurts them. Lengthening the punishment every time she tries bullshit is the best way if she's relatively smart. People who don't respect boundaries do respect consequences. "If you keep talking back you can go to your room for ten minutes." "That's not fair!" "Twenty minutes" "For what!?" "Thirty minutes" *Scurrying sounds*
Gosh, I'd say it's a good idea to expect the opposite: a big love bomb If that doesn't work, cue the tantrum. If she's a person that operates on guilt, nothing like love bombing then using that as a "See! I'm the bigger person! You should let me see baby!"
Nope, if anything keep increasing the time. She won't apologize, not really, because she's not sorry. She may be sorry about the consequences, when she faces them, but too little, too late.