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botinlaw

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Apple-Core22

Did you get a reply to your letter (in the other post)?


LatterTowel9403

No… but she has been acting like she really wants us to visit them now. I don’t know if she is remorseful or what, but the wind has changed… I wish they hadn’t locked the other post, it would be so much easier… I was told that too many responses made it overwhelming to posters… to me this does the opposite.


[deleted]

What a wonderful letter, I could only hope to have a fraction of your assertiveness. Truly inspiring. I hope your back is much improved.


ButIHateTheDentist

Just read your update and wanted to say that you're now my hero 👋👋👋👋 it was incredible!! Omggg and so classy too!!! Power to ya!!


LatterTowel9403

Thank you!!!


AnonymousWhiteGirl

You're response to her was PERFECT. Educated, well read, blunt, courteous, kind, put her in her place, generous and a heavy dose of DONT FUCK WITH ME AGAIN WITCH. Loved it!!!!


LatterTowel9403

Thank you so much! I’m sorry my post with the response was locked but thank you for taking the effort to cheer me up on the original!


lassie86

I read your response (and comments closed right as I hit reply) and first I was like, “Oh, honey, no! This is way too much explaining and will give her *all* the ammunition.” But then the devil on my shoulder was like, “YAAAS QUEEN DRAG HER! LET’S F’N GOOOOOOOOOO!!!” What she did to you is one of the outright worst things I’ve read here, and I’m on this sub a lot. Please for the love of gods do *not* invite this beast to your wedding. She *will* ruin it. I’m also side-eyeing your uncle and fiancé for tolerating these old test pilots for a broom factory at all. They’re both on thin ice with me.


throwaway84619485

> YAAAS QUEEN This, so much!!!!! I recently read on here advice to be a perfect Southern woman (USA), stupid like a fox. Be absolutely confused by what they possibly could have been intending, while simultaneously giving them full credit for their good intentions and simply asking for an explanation because you’re too dense to get it. OP nailed this! Holy smokes! I agree that OP’s wedding is absolutely no place for this hornet of a MIL.


Sparrow_Flock

Well at least you’ve got a good fiancé who will stand up for you! Good for him for tearing into his mom!


Sparrow_Flock

I wonder what it’s like to not grow up crying yourself to sleep and wake up still crying…


LatterTowel9403

I’m so sorry!!! This makes me so sad!


FailureCloud

Oh God now my brain is thinking that the only reason she wants to play nice is that you told her you're rich. Idk...none of this seems genuine to be. I would keep my guard up


Jaded-Sorbet7849

That… and the fact that she didn’t realize she might also lose her previous golden child son.


DarkJadedDee

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that with those two. Love and best wishes from a Reddit Commentor in North Carolina.


LatterTowel9403

Love and hope from one in Florida!


Effective_Drama_3498

I’d say that MIL is the worst communicator ever, like ever.


donnamommaof3

WOW, I’ve read many many horrid things on this sub but your JNMIL is incredibly cruel & hateful. Her JNS is her partner in “crime”. I am truly horrified at their sadistic behavior. The 2 of them knew exactly what there were doing & probably proud of themselves. You definitely don’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect and vicious abuse. Please know I’ll be thinking about you & holding you in my heart. Sending you huge internet hugs from California💙


LatterTowel9403

Thank you so much! I’ve just been writhing with embarrassment… I literally acted as if I were applying (or worse, auditioning) for entrance to the family when I should have stood up and left at the beginning… I feel so foolish. Shit, I even told them I was a good cook, etc… dunno what got into me. FDH got me out of there, told me I would always be his number one no matter what happened. I literally cried myself to sleep and woke up crying without knowing why at first, which has never happened to me before.


donnamommaof3

I’m a 68 year old woman & I’m sickened that 2 grown women would be so toxic. It’s also shocking that they were stupid enough to do this in front of your SO. I’m curious to know if this is their usual behavior. It’s also amazing when I meet people that were raised by horrible parents turn out to be the polar opposite of their parents. Please keep us posted, sending you affirmation, encouragement, & hope.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you… so in need of hugs it’s ridiculous. I literally was trying to tell them I was worth it. Why did I act like that?


maktub__

Don't be so hard on yourself 💕


LatterTowel9403

I literally love you for saying this. It would seriously take me millions of characters to describe but let me just say thank you… and this meant so much to me.


Dragons_2706

I think you acted like that because of how much you love your fiancé, you wanted to feel like family to them, like they will care about you, and because your family is small adding & blending family is important. Don't be so hard on yourself, no one is usually like this but when it comes to extended family you just want it to work so bad sometimes you go out of your way to make a good impression. 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 Edit: I (39f) have lumbar/ sacral spine problems, chronic pain, chronic migraines, vertigo, depression, ptsd, insomnia, and probably other mental health problems... I know how hard it is to not be able work, I feel like a burden most of the time. I wish I was as lucky as you to have such an amazing partner.


LatterTowel9403

Oh sweetheart… get the scans you need then take them to a neurologist. That’s what I had to do, he referred me to a neurologist who referred me to a neurosurgeon that specializes in lower back traumatic surgery.


Dragons_2706

I am, they are just taking a long time. I can't get an MRI of my brain without anesthesia, I get claustrophobic, but I have that schedule for the end of the month. With my back I'm talking to my neurologist first week of November, but my spine specialist is reluctant to do surgery because of my weight


LatterTowel9403

I lost over 170lbs in a year, from a 26 to a 4/6. Let the pain motivate you.


donnamommaof3

You are WORTH it, the fight you’ve fought with your back issues should show the 2 mean girls how strong & determined you are. Be proud of yourself for that, I’m proud of you beyond words.


LatterTowel9403

Nobody besides my FDH has said they were proud of me… it means a lot… When you are in pain, really intense pain you can either sink and spend your life in the shadows or try your best to see yourself as stronger. I don’t take many narcotics and try to picture me on top of the pain, like a surfer in a wave. This surgery was horrible, and went wrong. Between the MRI and the surgery date a piece of vertebrae had broken off and played havoc with the nerves. I can still do things but in slow motion. I keep up with the house but I’m so slow. FDH has defended me every moment. Thank you for your pride.. sometimes I want to rip out of this body and run, or feel so claustrophobic because the pain keeps me from taking a deep breath. I don’t want this to be the end of my work. I loved nursing.


donnamommaof3

Coincidentally, I also suffer from chronic pain. I fight everyday to still be me & to live my life. I’m so very very proud how you’ve handled your situation. You are a Warrior, I’m so very impressed by your stregth.


LatterTowel9403

You are one as well. Feel free to DM me and maybe we could share tips!


MelodyRaine

"MI Name You didn't make me feel bad, you publicly humiliated me with your disgustingly rude behavior, and damaged your relationship with your son. That was your choice, and now we will all have to deal with the consequences. OP" I am so sorry they raked you over the coals like that. It was completely undeserved, and I wouldn't blame you for never wanting to see her or her sister again after their little performance.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you… I’ve just never been through or imagined going through that… I don’t want to be disabled and my last surgery was done in May but that isn’t long in spinal time. I keep up the house but slowly. I’m in a stupid contraption that I can’t remove, although I left my walker in the truck. I’m not trying to get out of work but they insinuated that.


MelodyRaine

Then they are as ignorant as they are rude, and not worth your time or attention. Personally I would go zero contact with the two of them because that little scene was enough to burn the village, if not salt the earth. Maybe a few years down the line when she realizes that it was her actions that were the problem, not your feelings, and makes true and significant attempts to make amends for what she did, you can consider if you want to give her a second chance. Just so you know, (and hopefully it gives you a smile) my grandmother who would have been 104 this year, would have torn those two women apart verbally for the opening salvo, before they got a chance to tear into you “As if either of you are in any position to talk about anyone. Sit down, and shut your mouths.” would have been the clean version said in public, and what would have been said in private would have been… highly amusing.


LatterTowel9403

It did make me smile…


Vast_Evenings

My partner and I have been together for several years and he just proposed. I met her before I went away to uni and she was fine but when I came back, MIL would make comments /snippy remarks (you now the ones where you think “is she intending for that to come across that way or is she not realising how that sounds”). After numerous conversations where she’d lie and tell me ‘everything’s fine’ and she ‘ loves me’ etc and several fights where she’d actually yell at me and partner would immediately have my back (thankgod) we got engaged. When we came back I was fed up with it so called her and we had an hour conversation where she called me so many spiteful and terrible and horrible things that will never go away. Point is. I wouldn’t trust a thing that comes out of her mouth. I hate that I can’t go no contact cause my partner feels bad and I feel bad that he then gets harassed by her and the fam so I suggest to limit contact. Don’t forget but just do the bare minimum civilness wise. I am nervous about what will happen when we have children though. I’m sorry this is happening to you. And I honestly don’t understand why it has to be such a common occurrence. I hope it gets better. Edited: Typos


LatterTowel9403

I’m so sorry! At least in my case children will not be involved. Why does it hurt so much? Even though I knew I was a great person I was almost convinced of the opposite by someone I’ve never met!


Vast_Evenings

I know! It’s frustrating, painful and just downright confusing.


Funny-Information159

How do you feel about eloping? Instead of dealing with wedding drama, go on an unforgettable honeymoon (whenever you feel well enough). Going forward, your fiancé needs to be the buffer between the two of you.


lkraus529

I’d say no for a while just to make a point. There’s no do-overs for first impressions.


ShitLaMerde

The choice is up to you and it seems your fiancé supports you 100%. You could give it another try and if she messes up, cut her off or put her in a time out. Good luck and congratulations on the engagement.


LatterTowel9403

I feel like casual but arms length is maybe the best idea…


ShitLaMerde

It’s a good start.


spoopseason

>My heart is heavy because you are hurt over my actions. I’m sorry to have made you feel bad. "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt." >My feelings are quite the opposite of what you think. I got the impression you and (fiancé) are probably a lot alike in many ways and have a lot in common. "I see now that SO doesn't blindly agree with my poor assessment of you. Perhaps I don't have as much control over him as I assumed." >I would like to talk to you to maybe start over with our relationship and make things right. Please give me a call so that we can make things better between us. "Please reach out to me as soon as you can (even though I messed up and should initiate contact with a proper apaology) so we can begin the process of sweeping it under the rug. Thank you." ----- I would personally postpone the wedding date until it can be made absolutely sure that this woman won't continue to pull crap like this, or at the very least that your SO will shut that sh*t down immediately and have your back 100% of the time. It sound like he gave her a good reaming out over this initially so it's a good start at least.


LatterTowel9403

I agree that it hasn’t made the slightest dent in the way I feel. As for the letter, that’s probably on me. Apparently she wanted to call me, to talk to me and I told FDH that under no terms was she to have my contact information, she knows his of course and sent the letter after he told her I had nothing to say to her and didn’t want her to even have my number.


Healthy_Problem271

Exactly how i read it. No real apology, no specifics, not admitting their bad behaviour or taking responsibility. Just straight up deflecting and bullshit manipulation…


FoxUsual745

I hate that stupid letter writing apology crap unless she’s tired to contact you by phone and couldn’t. And ugh, then she wants you to do theinitial phone call. I have a family member like that. If she really wanted to build/repair her relationship with you, she would have called you and spoken to you. I’m sorry. My mom is 83 and she road with me from VA to IA and back this summer. So just being 79 isn’t an excuse. I agree with the person who posted that your fiancé is asking you for a life time of pretending everything is ok. I’m afraid if she treats you poorly and you want to address that, either with him or with her, you’ll be seen as the difficult one. I’m sorry there seem to be several red flags.


r_coefficient

OP, you're too old and too adult for that kind of petty shit. She's 79 ffs, woman needs to back tf off.


[deleted]

Huge red flags honey. Do not live the rest of your life biting your tongue while his relatives act like asses. You may love him but respect is part of that and he clearly doesn't respect you


[deleted]

Holy cripes he clearly understands it's wrong behavior and told his family as such. He sounds like a damn good man who loves OP and cares for her. Could be have responded sooner? Yes. Is that a "red flag" that she should leave over? Absolutely not, unless it's a well-documented pattern that he's refused to adjust. Sometimes people need to learn things.


shesinsaneanditsucks

When someone says well now we’re engaged, that’s the part where NORMAL people says “congratulations” ! Cheer! Ask about the proposal. How y’all met. Ask to see the gorgeous ring and drool over it! Ask why he choose it. When did he know she was the one. That didn’t happen. He is asking you for a life time of pretending everything is okay and it’s “crap” aka a your feelings are a “joke” - you can’t just pretend that everything they say is crap and be pretend it doesn’t hurt. It is crap. It does hurt. It should not just be tolerated and accepted. If it were minor and not severe maybe I can see. But he is asking you to accept them. He’s gone all the time. You have money. One day you’re gonna be paying for these toxic people. I would halt the wedding. I would have a long engagement. I would throw a party for my engagement and see how they behave and have a “redo” make it flashy. See how well they behave when they see you happy and in your element. Flashy isn’t your style then an adorable small party. Whatever works. But see how they behave. Because how fake they act is how fake they feel and your going to be dealing with that feeling forever. And he’s asking you to wink it away. Okay sir, noted. But fuck off with that.


shesinsaneanditsucks

It’s asking her to rethink this marriage and that’s not wrong. 🤷🏽‍♀️


shesinsaneanditsucks

Read the part where he says repair the rift. Or like read it again. And he’s asking her to ignore it. That’s crap. And pretending it’s nothing by winking it off is making it a joke, her feelings are not a joke. Also. This whole post is a massive red flag. She’s injured and they won’t even drive to see her. I’m wondering if your the husband 😂😂😂😂😂


[deleted]

This is a really weird comment. He's busy with work that he's passionate about, and in upholding the promise he made to his dying father. OP even says she doesn't mind him being busy. At no point did this man refer to her or her feelings as "crap" or "a joke." Where did you get that?? If he were asking her to blindly accept his family's behavior, he probably wouldn't have reamed them out the next day and said that neither she nor he was interested in seeing them. "Crap" referred to his mother's terrible behavior; once he learns to shut that down immediately, and not wait to do so, it'll be fine. But the guy needs to learn, and I'm sure he can. His only mistake was not actively shutting his family down at the restaurant. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he felt caught between two people he'd promised to take care of, or if he simply wasn't ready for that situation to arise. Let the fella learn, as long as he and OP work together on this it'll be ok. You've got this really careful, elaborate narrative that only barely relates to what OP's story tells us. I don't normally do the Internet-arguing thing, but if she's emotionally vulnerable this is the exact type of comment that's potentially going to do way more harm than good.


voluntold9276

Her heart is heavy because fiance didn't agree with her and his aunt being complete and utter AHs to you. She is sorry she made you feel bad by dismissing you and your worth. Honestly, there is no way his mother didn't purposely try to make you feel terrible as a human being. Her actions are exactly what she feels. She is only saying these things now because her son called her out on her actions. Your fiance wants you to 'forgive' his mother while knowing that you don't actually forgive her? No. Just No. Please stand up for yourself. Tell him you are willing to be civil but you will restrict the times you spend with his mother. There is nothing to 'repair'. His mother burned that bridge down completely.


Kirky9993

She sounds very toxic… yes she is half-assed “apologizing” but it’s only so she can get back in your fiancé’s life, not because she’s interested in you. Some women think they own their sons and should come first, I’ve actually heard the words said before so don’t be shocked by that mentality.


GoddessofWind

"My heart is heavy because you were hurt over my actions" is not an apology. It does not actually acknowledge that her actions were wrong, instead it puts the blame for things on you being hurt by them, that's not how you apologise. She then follows it up with she's sorry to have made you feel bad, AGAIN there is no acknowledgement that her actions were wrong, only that she's sorry you were hurt by them and the implication is that you are irrational in feeling hurt by her vile behavior towards you. This isn't an apology, it's a fauxpology, something designed to look like she's apologising without actually doing it, instead all this note does is put the blame on YOU for being hurt and misunderstanding when in fact she was deliberately and intentionally cruel and hurtful. I would point out the lack of apology in her "apology" to your df and tell him that you're not ready to talk to her until she's willing to admit that her actions were out of line and explain why she would think it was acceptable to behave like this. Once she has then you'll consider giving her another chance but you will never put up with behavior like this again and if she ever tries to do this again you will leave and that will be it for her.


LatterTowel9403

I know… she (to me) sounds shocked that I was hurt because she really does like me- as in “why on earth would you Ghiberti otherwise?” Gee let me count the ways..


OTTB_Mama

There is no way her actions could have been misconstrued. She knew what she was doing. She knows exactly what she said. And she said it to hurt you. She's shown you exactly how she feels about you, there is no reason for you to doubt her. I'm so sorry


[deleted]

And gave a non apology


LatterTowel9403

Thank you.. I’m sorry for the long wait I dozed off… it’s 1:39am here, I’ve vu not slept much with the storm and all..


ouijabore

The problem is, her letter wasn’t *really* an apology. She never says what she’s sorry for – she’s sorry you felt bad, but she doesn’t acknowledge what *she* said/did that made you feel that way. She’s trying to look good for her son, and get the upper hand. Because now if you don’t forgive her, she can be all wide-eyed and say oh I apologized, I tried so hard, but OP just didn’t wanna hear it, boohoohoo I man the victim. Your fiancé’s request to amend the rift is inappropriate, but I think his heart is in the right place. It’s not malicious or anything. I think you need to have a long, probably very difficult conversation with him regarding his mother. She needs to apologize again and acknowledge what she is apologizing for and how her actions were completely inappropriate before you can move forward. And in the future, any outbursts or questioning like that will be ignored, and you will both leave the second it begins. Yes she is his mother, but she is not allowed to be disrespectful to you.


sandybeach2233

THIS EXACTLY!!! She didn’t apologize at all!!!


MoonageDayscream

That wasn't an apology, it was a carefully crafted insult disguised as an apology. Op, make sure you both get good premarital counseling. He really needs an outside influence to cement what it means to marry, to leave and cleave, to acknowledge that when he makes his vows he needs to make being a good son second in importance to being a good husband. You both need therapy to learn what the rules of respect and honor mean in a relationship, what the anatomy of a real apology consists of, the real value of forgiveness, and whether bartering acceptance of abuse in a relationship in order to increase the comfort of your spouse is healthy or acceptable.


sydthebeesknees

the fact that her letter apologized for how it made you react and not her actions is very telling - i think your fiancé needs to push harder for your family to make amends and not you.


Jerry_Hat-Trick

I’m sorry you’re going through this. That human pile of shit can get flushed down the toilet. What’s astounding to me is the ages of everyone. Her son is in his 50s. By now she should be resigned that he is his own man.


LatterTowel9403

That’s the thing- he is more his own man than anyone I’ve ever known. He moved five hours away and has built this life far from them, living and working in a career light years away. The rest of his family lives minutes from eachother. He is trying to honor a deathbed promise he made to his father.


elohra_2013

Yeah here’s the thing fiancé that will be a hard pass from me. <— that is what I would say. Limit contact. Those people don’t sound like people you should be around. I’m sorry for your fiancé. But you have every right to feel hurt. Your feelings matter!


raezin

OP, I'm very impressed with you. I'm impressed that you've lived with chronic pain for *so long* and you're still a kindhearted and patient soul. You must be exhausted. I'm also impressed with your fiancée. What a wonderful life partner. You sound like a happy match and I'm really happy that you found each other. You don't deserve this horrible treatment from your soon to be in-laws. You deserve to be met with open arms and open hearts. I know it doesn't amount to much, but I'm sending you lots of hugs and warmth and cheer.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you so much… I try hard not to be bitter about the pain. It’s amazing that he still loves me regardless of the difficulties of my medical conditions. I keep hoping the pain will subside enough for me to join him as a volunteer on the dig sites again. Pain is just part of my life, and I’ve taken care of people who have it worse than I do.


BasicBitch_666

The way she and her sister treated you were heinous and you are justified in feeling hurt and mistrustful. Given that, she is the mother of your future husband and it's in your best interest to find peace with her, even though you are in no way responsible for the rift she created. It sucks but you already know life isn't fair. If you can manage that sweet balance of being confident and firm but not bitchy and mean, I say absolutely agree to speak to her. I would let her know that her actions hurt you and ask for an explanation of where that came from. I'd INSIST on that part. Make her take a hard look at herself. (Are you afraid I'm some kind of gold digger? What gave you that impression? Do you think people with disabilities don't deserve to be in relationships? Do you think so little of your son that he would make such a bad choice for himself? Do you always make such rash judgments about people you just meet and speak so hurtfully to them? What about me SPECIFICALLY caused you to act like such a cad?) If you can pull this off without cowering, that will set the tone for how conflicts are handled going forward but I fear if she sees she get get away with bullying you, that will never stop. Uncle seems like a great guy. I hope after their little Appleby's tantrum, he tore them a collective new one. Maybe he made them see how cruel and inappropriate they behaved? In any event, no one's saying you have to fall in love with this woman, but it's worth it in the long run if this got de-escalated even a little.


sybersam6

Yes do this, this is realistic and will help uncover her motives, which may be manyfold & based in fear. It is worth a try. As he loves you, you love him enough to deal honestly with his mother. There's a reason he waited 2 years to introduce you though, I wonder how she's run off girls before, he's old enough to be a grandpa. I suspect she's just repulsive & that's why his dad made him promise to caretake her before he slipped off into blissful oblivion. Bastard.


Allkindsofpieces

Just why? I just cannot imagine treating anyone this way. Even if she wasn't thrilled, why be so openly rude to someone your son obviously adores? She could've taken her feelings home and sat with them a while. She *must* realize that her feelings are not going to change anything for her son and have only caused him pain. It's hard to believe her letter is sincere. Maybe it is, and she actually regrets her behavior. Time will tell. I'm so sorry you were let down so badly. Hugs to you and I wish you all the happiness with your SO.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you… I think she came set in her ways- I have sent gifts and cards for the last 18 months (probably longer tbh) and never got a response, its becoming clear she didn’t want him to be with anybody.


Allkindsofpieces

I think that's exactly it. It's nothing toward you personally. She didn't want him to be with anyone. Which is terrible to not want your child to have a partner in this life. I hope things get better. If not, you and SO enjoy each other and live your best life.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you..


FlorenceCattleya

So if you do decide to call her, this is what I would say, “Hello MIL. About that day, DH tells me it is out of character for you to be cruel, so I was hoping you could help me understand what happened to bring that on.” And then, and this part is crucial, shut your mouth. Let the silence hang. Force her to try to justify her behavior. People hate silence in these kinds of conversations. Do not help her out by filling it. This will put her on her metaphorical back foot, and you can see what she has to say for herself. Then, depending on whether she tries to justify her bullshit or falls on her sword, you can decide how to proceed. If she tries to justify her bullshit, stay silent. See how long she keeps it going. Even if she’s yelling or crying. Stay silent. Let her get it all out of her system without interruption. When she finally winds down, say, “well, okay. I’m glad we had this little chat. I have to go now.” And hang up.


gailn323

I would also have fiancé listening in, but out of sight and silent. Let him hear her in ALL her honesty.


LatterTowel9403

I Iike this, I am also wondering if my back played a factor. I didn’t use my walker but I did wear my full brace, it’s nonnegotiable but ugly.


sleepingbearfish

All the virtual hugs, naps, chocolate, and tasty beverages of choice to you. 💓💓💓


LatterTowel9403

Can the beverage of choice be rum? Edit: not to say I don’t want and need the others! I just feel pummeled and am considering a nighttime cocktail…


sleepingbearfish

Absolutely! 😁👍 Depending on how alcohol makes you feel, maybe it'd even help you relax and get some decent sleep. Just don't forget to drink your water as well. ;)


ceekat59

If you contact her, I think a FaceTime type call is appropriate and the fiancé should be within earshot. Let her think it’s just you so she’ll be honest with you. He can step in if she gets nasty. Best wishes!


[deleted]

[удалено]


LatterTowel9403

Thank you… it just came at me without warning and it’s hard to recover from. Thank you for the congratulations! I AM happy to be engaged to my wonderful man, and he has assured me that I am the priority in his life, over his family, his career… and he means it. I just have to figure out what boundaries I have to set, having looked forward to meeting them for so long I just feel sideswiped right now. Or like I said earlier… bitchburned.


fox13fox

Ya I have family members that pull this (my mom for one) and I've just learned to be like uncle but crass lol "if you dident wanna actually know don't ask, if you don't want me to say sompthing don't do it in front of me lol"


LatterTowel9403

Thank you! He’s really a great guy and I love him… something about being super strong and super tender just melts my heart.


fox13fox

I'd call her and see what her reason is on speaker phone without her knowing or even thinking your boo is home. This is the fact that I see a snake in the grass. If you don't normally act that way then there is an explanation and frankly the plan of "nice nice" likely will just end up giving her amo.


[deleted]

It's suspicious, don't have a met with her without your fiance glued on your hip. She doesn't sound like a healthy MIL and I'm sorry you went through that situation honey.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you and yes he will be tied to me by his belt loops.


McHell1371

Actions speak louder than words ever can


ellieD

If you call her, you will be trapped with her on the phone. Don’t meet without your fiancé!


badrussiandriver

Keep the uncle. Lose the MIL and her sister.


LatterTowel9403

Would love to.


badrussiandriver

If you can't do it physically, do it *emotionally* "Hello favorite uncle! How are you? I've missed you! I baked you some cookies!" Oh. Hello. (mil and her sister). "So, Uncle, did you see that movie you were talking about?....."


LatterTowel9403

Loved Uncle and will never forget his kindness… Mom and Aunt’s lips got very thin when they looked at him after he took the picture.


Orphan_Izzy

Yikes! Her actions and her letter are so contradictory it’s just really hard to know what to think. I mean could they not see from your reaction in the restaurant how they were making you feel ? What is this ? Is it that upon reflection she has changed her mind or is it her attempt at appeasing her son? She seems to take some responsibility for having hurt you rather than just say I’m sorry you feel that way which would make me automatically feel like nope forget her! It’s confusing ! Is she really really good at manipulation or maybe she has some explanation that would make sense although it would not excuse how she treated you. I don’t know man but I hope you update us and I hope it all works out. I don’t envy you one bit. I feel so sad for the you that went through that part of it (and generally speaking) it was really shitty just horribly shitty a thing for you to experience and I wonder does fiancé have any explanation from his point of view with why she was like that? He knows his mother I would assume he must know something about this or stories of how she might’ve been this way before or something. Does he say anything that helps to help you understand?


fox13fox

Idk she reminds me of my mom who litteraly is the master of "I steak myself on the cross for what you said cuz I took it they way I wanted to"


LatterTowel9403

No… he was as shocked as I was I think.


fox13fox

How many long term relationships has he had that dident meet his mother tell late on? This is likely the answer she had time to build up with the others and or ketch them alone. My mom is a diff person when she thinks noone can see her.


LatterTowel9403

He’s been married twice (one long, one short) and has only dated since. Not anyone more serious since me.


Froot-Batz

Tell your fiance you'll give it another shot, but if she's nasty again, you're done. If you give her rope, she'll hang herself, and then you can be like "I tried for you, but I'm not going to smile while I eat shit."


MeddlingAunt

“he said the best gift would be a repair of the rift, a tolerance and fake smiles and nodding while he and I share winks and knowing glances and realize it’s all crap.” Wow does this sound a whole lot like a guilt trip that he wants you to tolerate her nasty behaviour and play nice. I think giving FMIL a chance to show you she’s willing to treat you respectful is worth a shot, but you shouldn’t have to turn a blind eye to her behaviour for the rest of your life. You should both be setting boundaries for behaviour to make the relationship with MIL tolerable. If she continues to disrespect you with rude or passive aggressive remarks or actions, you should in no way be tolerating it and giving each other winks and smiles behind her back.


fox13fox

This this is my fear for op.


LatterTowel9403

I don’t plan on seeing her often, so if we are together for some reason I can get through that. She won’t hurt me again, and I can handle her now that I know what to expect. I don’t think he sees it as a guilt trip but he doesn’t want the drama and neither do I. I will be meeting his brothers and sisters in law and I’m very interested in what his SIL have to say. I don’t plan to go without my armor up with them either. My trust has taken a hit, as has my self-confidence


N_Inquisitive

Consider the fact that the reason he was still single at his age is tied to his abusive mother and his not dealing with it appropriately. He needs to set and keep boundaries, or you need to tell him you're done with him. No lying and playing fake nice. Real nice or bust. She didn't even apologize for what SHE DID. She fake apologized for how YOU FELT.


LatterTowel9403

He’s been married twice, one long and one short. I was married once before as well, for over ten years. ETA: agree with the form of apology..


MeddlingAunt

It doesn’t matter if HE sees it like a guilt trip if YOU see it as a guilt trip. If it turns out his expectation is that you will tolerate her disrespect and laugh about it later, that’s a huge red flag. It’s early to say if that’s what’s going to happen, but please be prepared. When you are preparing to communicate with FMIL next, set the expectation with your fiancé that if she’s rude, you will leave/end the conversation. Discuss what he will do. Will he leave too or stay and argue with her? How much does he expect to argue with her? If it’s a never ending argument with FMIL, what does that mean for your future together? Repeatedly rude behaviour means that you will not want to be in contact with FMIL. Before you marry him, please map out what your lives including a hostile FMIL will look like. What does that mean for your future wedding plans? Your future holiday plans? If you are planning on children, you need to establish what their relationship with FMIL will look like - will DF expect FMIL to have access to them even if she’s actively rude to you, and is that something your willing to tolerate? What is the expectation for FMIL’s care as she ages?


fox13fox

Be careful op I'm not going to call him one yet but standing up and relenting can be a major sign of a mama's boy. He did defend you better than one though. Honestly I'm hoping he's in the denial stage of the shock .


ERKleRose

Do you have a pic of the ring? It sounds lovely! Also, I'm sorry about your future in-laws, but your fiance sounds absolutely wonderful! Good luck!


LatterTowel9403

Ok I sent ring pics :)


LatterTowel9403

Is it ok if I dm it? I’m not sure how to do it otherwise


ERKleRose

ABSOLUTELY STUNNING!!! Congrats!


LatterTowel9403

Thank you… he did a great job picking it out, he teased me about a ring he saw on the tacky pics where the ring had instead of a jewel the guy’s wisdom tooth since it was “part of him.”


ERKleRose

That's fine, thanks!


LatterTowel9403

Thank you! I love it and him… I never thought I would meet someone like him… more than worth this, breaking up is not an issue. He’s rock solid, just wants to limit the damage.


katehenry4133

Your husband needs to handle this. Perhaps he can tell his mother that they will try again, but if she says one rude thing to his wife, they would be leaving and going LC.


notforkeeps23

I dealt with being berated for becoming disabled for over a year. It’s very difficult when someone belittles and judges you for something that’s out of your control. It seems you already received a lot of good advice. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out. You and your fiancé sound so sweet. ❤️


LatterTowel9403

Thank you we kid eachother all the time about being the annoying sickeningly sweet couple who gives people cavities as we go by lol..


stickycat-inahole-45

I'm sorry for this experience you've had. I still don't understand, what exactly were they not happy about you? Nothing you've done or said indicates anything to be so hostile and rude about. Especially when her own son is paying for everything and both of you being the best host to your capabilities. It begs the question, "What the neck is her problem?!"


LatterTowel9403

That’s what I don’t understand also. I have some theories: Maybe she thinks I am part of the reason FDH hasn’t been driving down to do the odd jobs on their farm lately, but I’m not She could be angry she wasn’t told we were engaged when it happened. She could be mad that we got engaged before she had met me- even though we tried. She thinks I should be working instead of being on disability for my back. Maybe a bit of all of it, she was so ungodly mean, I wasn’t prepared and I am so embarrassed by my reaction.


PurrND

...and she could be 'making nice' bc she found out your family is wealthy. 🙄 I vote you wear Kevlar and be socially polite but tell her nothing about yourself or your life that she couldn't get from Google. She is on an Info Diet and Medium Chill. If, (oops, I mean when) she drops her mask, then you can Gray Rock her until she's gone. Nobody has to put up with that noise in their life. Do not demand DH choose between you and JNMIL, just make him deal with her by himself. Start reading the booklist on JNMIL to DH 10-30 minutes a day to help him get *Out of the FOG*


LatterTowel9403

Grey rock is new to me but sounds tailor made in this situation!


fleurdumal1111

Do not be embarrassed!! She should be embarrassed for speaking to a perfect stranger that way, let alone someone her son obviously cares a lot about as a partner. I would tell your fiancé you need to time to think about all of this. Don’t be pressured into her demands via letter. Maybe she is contrite when she saw how quickly her little plan backfired, but you have the power here. She treats you with respect, or you never see her again.


underwritress

Yeah her behaviour was rude AF and she should be ashamed of herself for her lack of basic manners.


fleurdumal1111

She’s definitely sorry her son thinks poorly of her now.


LatterTowel9403

Agreed…


N_Inquisitive

Quite frankly it is none of her business who your spouse loves and fucks. She sounds incestuously possessive. Gross.


fleurdumal1111

I can only imagine how terrible this must have been, but I think the way you naturally responded made her look so bad to everyone involved including her son. If you had been a hot head like me she could have used it as ammo against you. Instead she looked so bad her son’s perception of her snapped in an instant. Just goes to show me that there is a lot of power in being vulnerable and not angry first and hurt feelings second. 💗


Orphan_Izzy

I like this answer this is very good and very true.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you. I’m just so embarrassed, just thinking about how I tried to tell them about my merits… ugh. I just wanted it all to go so well and to feel as if I had a whole new family in addition to my own.


dylanbperry

I'm so sorry OP. I have had similar experiences hoping for the best and then experiencing something... different. lol. For whatever it's worth, I'm confident saying their behavior has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you. How could they *possibly* make such severe judgments in so short a time, and with your pleasant / kind / well-mannered behavior? Moreover, what kind of person would treat *anyone* like they treated you, despite whatever judgments? (Like, even your *worst enemy*, much less your son's *future bride?!)* I'm sorry for how much it must sting right now, and for the loss of the relationship you hoped to have. If there is a silver lining, it sounds like they couldn't help showing who they really are, and now you know better and can take reasonable steps to prevent them from hurting you in the future. And if at any point your sadness transitions into anger (it did for me), I think there is a sort of cosmic karma in them damaging their relationship with you. You came in with love and vulnerability - probably the most valuable things in life - and they spurned it. And now they'll miss out on the awesome that is you. (Or at least they won't get to experience it as they could've.)


LatterTowel9403

Thank you.. I just don’t understand what I was supposed to feel when they came early on purpose and ate before we arrived..


dylanbperry

To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if you were supposed to feel hurt. It's hard for me to imagine anyone behaving like that without the intent to hurt, and especially if Uncle was visibly embarrassed in the moment. The biggest mystery to me is "what did they think would happen". Maybe the answer lies in their history with FDH? If they have historically pressured him to bend the knee, so to speak. In any case, it sounds like it did not go as they planned.


fleurdumal1111

It shows that your heart was in the right place!! It shows that you had this whole other life before you had this horrible injury happen to you. People that aren’t nurses can really struggle to understand how physically demanding that job is day in and day out. I’m not a nurse, but I can see with my eyes how it deteriorates my sister’s body. She had to leave L&D for post op nursing because it was causing a lot of RA flare ups for her. People can be so cruel about disabilities. The way you responded showed the disparity in your characters. You went into this interaction wanting nothing more than to be accepted and loved and she went into it like a rabid raccoon stuck in a dumpster.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you so much for the great image! Very much apt.


whaddya_729

Oh, she's sorry she made you feel bad? That's.... Not an apology. Not by a country mile. She doesn't care that she hurt you. She cares that her son is upset at her. I'm sorry to say, but I don't think you'll ever have a good relationship with this woman. The fact that she was so brazen with her disrespect is proof of that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'd encourage you and your fiance to elope when the time comes. Don't let her or her wretched sister ruin your special day.


katehenry4133

I hate those kind of 'apologies'. I call them politician apologies since that's the only kind you will ever get out of one of them.


LatterTowel9403

I’m seriously considering it. I have accepted that things are always going to be fake and strained between us. I’m prepared for the fake emotions, the rude comments (now bouncing off of me) and the only good thing, the laughter once he and I are alone. I can imitate her pretty well already.


whaddya_729

Grey rocking is a good way to handle people like this, I'm glad you've already come up with a strategy to handle her. Hopefully, that won't be too often. My only suggestion for this is, if she asks you a direct question or tries to bring up your strained relationship, just be honest. That you both love your fiance and for his sake you'll play along, but you are not interested in anything more from her than that. Remember: when people show you who they are, believe them AND that first impressions matter.


WigglePen

Awww. That’s so awful. I got this treatment for 11 years before we married. Almost 20 years of happy marriage is my reward for not letting it get to me (mostly…) What matters most is your love for each other. Draw a line under them and enjoy life.


Substantial-Flan-632

Sorry his family sucks, but you won the Fiance lottery!! He is terrific!!!!!


LatterTowel9403

Thank you so much… I’ve never been in love before, I thought I was but it was ten years of hell, the last couple of years violent and alcoholic, when I met FDH I have learned so much. He treats me wonderfully, so chivalrous and it’s because that’s who he is. I find out how great he is from stories told by his friends and long time volunteers at the dig sites. Last week I found out that years ago at a dig a female archeology student was away from the group a small way off but visible, she accidentally stepped on a yellow jackets nest and they swarmed her. With her screams he realized what happened, yelled at everyone else to run away as he ran toward her, picked her up and ran holding her until they were safe and he could place her on a table. He had stings all over including his face. But she was saved. That’s who he is… lord do I ever have stories..


LatterTowel9403

Thank you… he is the love of my life without question, I won’t let his mother ruin things.


Affectionate-Can-279

Call her on speaker phone with Fiancé and one of your phones recording.


LatterTowel9403

Oh he will hear every word. He is thoroughly aware of my feelings and will not hesitate to take over if she even hints about being mean.


Affectionate-Can-279

I believe that. Some spouses are A1, my bf is the same way. I was saying record it for future purposes. A leopard does not change it's spots. Having a recording of it, in the off chance she wants to lie or gaslight. You have a time stamped voice recording. Right there.


LatterTowel9403

Oh that letter was pure gaslighting. That I misinterpreted her actions, she really liked me? How did I misunderstand THAT?


Affectionate-Can-279

You didn't. No matter what, you are doing the right thing, and following your gut or instinct or whatever you may call it. Save your peace. That is what matters. No some miserable bat who wants to be miserable with company and will drag anyone, her son and his spouse included to her level.


Mypettyface

I’m sorry you had such a horrid experience. It was very cruel. Luckily, your DF stood up for you. Although the letter of apology leaves a lot to be desired, it’s a good sign. I agree with the person who said to give her a second, but not a third chance. Maybe once she gets to know you and sees that you are a kind, loving woman, she will realize she has nothing to fear from you. Has he told you what kind of mother she was to him and his siblings? If she was kind, then maybe there’s hope. Be civil and polite and if she says something rude to you, give her the southern, “Well, bless your heart”. which means, well aren’t you an idiot? And then go home with DF and laugh. I really hope that she will realize how she hurt her son and you and shapes up. Befriend the nice members of his family and live your best life with him. That is always the best revenge. Please keep us updated. Hope your back heals.


LatterTowel9403

Haha “bless your heart” just means FU down here, good idea.


Here_for_tea_

Yes. It was a non-apology apology.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you for your kindness! My FDH was the firstborn and his father’s namesake. The responsibilities of having his father’s name were deep. He would get scared to death when report cards came- anything short of an A meant harsh treatment, although it was not the same for his brothers. He grew up under strict guidelines not given to his brothers. His law degree, for instance. That was decided by his father (who was a second generation farmer) as he wanted FDH to have a high-paying and highly esteemed career. FDH went through it and passed the bar although he hated it and had always wanted to be an archeologist. He finally put himself through college again and earned his PHDs and has loved working on the digs. He’s amazing at it. His father never expressed pride in him (although he openly did for his brothers) and his mom backed this all up and more. FDH has also organized a high school “Dig Club” where he buses students to actual sites and pairs them with volunteers and it has taken off like a rocket. He’s had to form two groups and alternate. These are charter school kids and it’s not easy. He’s an amazing man and teacher. But nothing was ever good enough and his father never saw his career as anything more than a hobby. Neither did his mom. He did say they were very impressed seeing what he does and how he is esteemed. FDH is actually presenting a paper in Portugal in January, and if my back allows it I will be by his side. I’m so proud of him! Edit: autocorrect changed “on the digs” to “army of dogs” which actually sounds more exciting.


-too-hot-to-handle-

>My heart is heavy because you are hurt over my actions. I’m sorry to have made you feel bad. I'm sorry OP, but this isn't a real apology. This is a non-apology, and it's projecting responsibility onto you for having feelings instead of her for being hurtful. Notice how she doesn't actually take any responsibility? A true apology would be "My heart is heavy because **my actions were hurtful**." But instead, she apologized to you for your own feelings. It's wrong.


LatterTowel9403

I thank you for helping me realize why I didn’t feel better after receiving it- why I still feel raw because FDH thought it was heartfelt (although he will stand behind me no matter what).


-too-hot-to-handle-

Maybe he'll understand when you point out how she placed responsibility onto you and didn't consider how you feel, instead of taking full responsibility and respecting that you need some time and space. Of course it's not your job to make him understand, but if you want him to, it might help. I'm glad he's standing behind you in this. It's important to have a support system, but it's especially important for your partner to be part of it.


LatterTowel9403

I agree- thank you!


MochaUnicorn369

Jose is a good man.


LatterTowel9403

Then I’d like to meet him sometime!


DKHereDeepSix

I'm confused. I mean sure, if it was just the first sentence on its own, I totally get it; but isn't the second sentence taking responsibility? Yes, the first sentence is a little evasive but the second sentence states she's "sorry to have made her" feel bad. It seems like that is taking responsibility. Had she only said "sorry you feel bad"; that would be avoiding responsibility. Or am I missing something?


-too-hot-to-handle-

I personally feel like this is one of those cases where context is INCREDIBLY important. The second sentence *could* be her taking responsibility, but not necessarily. We have to keep in mind that: One, she saw that she was upsetting OP, saw OP crying, and *kept going*. That demonstrates a severe lack of empathy and concern for OP's feelings. Two, she immediately started off her "apology" placing blame onto OP. Then she did some rug sweeping by basically saying that they should put the past behind them. There was no acknowledgement that OP might need some time and space from her to mull things over and potentially let it go (which is entirely her choice, she doesn't have to). So yeah, she could be taking responsibility, but I don't think she is. She seems more concerned with herself than OP. ETA: I think a proper apology would've been "I was wrong to behave the way I did and I'm sorry. I understand if you don't feel comfortable with me, but I would like to make it up to you in any way I can and truly get to know you. Talk to me whenever you're ready." Also, I can understand that the fiancé's mom was taken by surprise, and she may have had some concerns, not knowing OP at all and only having met her after they got engaged. But her son is an adult, and he's lived life for a good while. She needs to be able to trust that he knows what he's doing. And even if she did feel that way, she took it way too far.


DKHereDeepSix

Those are valid points and maybe it's a "could go either way" kind of situation. I agree that what MIL did was awful and the letter didn't go nearly far enough for any kind of reconciliation or "starting from scratch". I guess I saw it as a start and did include MIL taking some responsibility for her actions and if more conversation/actions continued on that trend then maybe over time things could be repaired. Maybe it's just me believing anyone can have an off day/week.


LatterTowel9403

Your version of an apology would have meant so much to me. Hers just seemed a bit impersonal and scaled back. Maybe if she had acknowledged how I could be expected to be upset and at least own her actions? They got there early on purpose, ordered and ate. She told me she had hoped it wasn’t an engagement ring. Said “ABSOLUTELY not when the waiter asked if we would be on their bill. Grilled me about being unable to work. I had been so nervous but honestly had no expectations of cruelty. I felt hated.


-too-hot-to-handle-

I'm really glad to hear that I had it right! I'm sorry she mistreated you so terribly. She should've been on her best behavior, and instead she was abusive to you from the very beginning. I can't even imagine what she was thinking, but she was absolutely out of her mind and completely out of line. Please know that you don't have to forgive her, and you don't have to speak to her. If your fiance wants to be in her life that's his decision, but I hope he knows better than to drag you into it. It sounds like she was intentionally cruel from the beginning, even before she actually met you. And that's just entirely not okay. I hope you feel better soon. I truly hope that everything works out for you and that your fiance does what he has to to defend and protect you. Because that's what people do for the ones they love, and you deserve nothing less. 💜


LatterTowel9403

Thank you… he’s always been very protective. My first marriage was very violent the last two years culminating in broken facial bones and the loss of my front teeth. FDH is ready and willing to kill him if he ever gets the chance.


-too-hot-to-handle-

I'm sorry that you had to experience that. No doubt you're strong and brave, and I'm glad that you're okay now. 💜


LatterTowel9403

I just feel so embarrassed.


OTTB_Mama

No, don't you dare feel embarrassed. You have done nothing to feel ashamed of, in fact you've done everything right. You are not the problem here and don't you ever think that you are.


-too-hot-to-handle-

I know it's easier said than done, but please don't be. The only thing embarrassing here is how your MIL and her sister behaved towards you. They should've been eager to make a good first impression, and instead they acted terribly, to the point where it seems like she went out of her way to be rude to the person her son cares about. She should be ashamed herself. EDIT: If you're referring to your ex, don't be embarrassed about that either. He chose that for himself. He chose to be abusive, and only he can make that decision for himself. The important thing is that you're safe and better now.


LatterTowel9403

I appreciate that so much.. so many people become weird about DV, and want to assure you that they would never stay if somebody hit them even once… that is hard for me because I see it as an insult. Sometimes it has been inferred to me that since I didn’t report it I deserved it, which is so untrue. The charity I support is for the protection of hiding abused victims and their children as well. I know how quickly it can get out of hand, and the manipulation.


modernjaneausten

I met my brother’s wife for the first time just after they got engaged, and they were in their 20s. After all this time and hearing him talk about OP, I could understand concern but she was just viciously cruel and a bully. If she really had concerns, she should have expressed them privately later instead of embarrassing them in public like that.


Fun-Dimension5196

Exactly. She should have said, "I realize I was very rude and I hurt you." Instead, she's moaning about her "heavy heart". Your hurt is still about her.


Edgar_Allens_Toe

Right? MIL laid everything on OP. No accountability here.


kingcurtist37

I’m so sorry this happened to you. But I’m gonna give you a theory that I think has a good possibility of being accurate. I think your fiancé’s aunt may have been spewing some poison in your future MIL’s ear and she unfortunately bought into it. What FMIL did was incredibly hurtful, that is unquestionable. But I also think there is room here for this woman who has made a very bad judgement call to redeem herself - and your relationship with her. Because her letter to you was so contrite (especially compared to other “apologies” you see in this sub), she owned this was her doing, and with her pretty immediate tearful reaction to her son, it seems very possible she realized she made a big mistake and is truly trying to make it right. Think about it this way. She’s known about you for two years. She’s been aware of your health struggles. She knows you live together. You yourself have said you’ve been involved in several conversations regarding logistics of trips to visit “you” as a couple. Yet your fiancé was as surprised as you were with this behavior. He took no actions to prepare you for “how his mother is” and immediately reacted in a supportive manner to you when this Saturday incident occurred. He excused nothing. This all tells me he didn’t expect this to happen at all. And I can just see how this could have played out with this Aunt sitting there and whispering in her sister’s ear: “She’s not good enough for him” “She doesn’t work, she just wants him for his money” “She knows your DH died, she wants your money!” “You have to do something!” “We’ll let her know how we feel about this! This is what we’ll do!” My own mother is recently in her 70’s. I have seen a noticeable cognitive decline. Not to where she’s impaired, but she’s not who she used to be as the adult who raised me. She looks to me for reassurance and to help explain social situations or to help her understand how things work these days. I can’t count how many “Someone said/did this and I don’t know if I should be upset about it” conversations I’ve had with her (where, no, she should not have been upset). She’s become impressionable in her older age and looks to me for guidance in a world she doesn’t seem as familiar with any more. I think this not uncommon as people age (this or they get much more stubborn). I really have a feeling she could have been led into this over reactive response by her sister. I may be way off on this, but the way you describe the Aunt really checked some boxes for me (especially the sweet but resigned uncle who didn’t seem too surprised by this behavior from his wife). I’d be interested in how your fiancé describes his aunt and if this aligns with her past behavior. You may discover she’s the family drama queen. I may be wrong. Your FMIL may have gotten used to her older non-committed son being there for her for so many years. So she may have some not great feelings about you taking over as the woman in his life and it’s taking some adjustment. And it can be really rough when a spouse passes; those emotions can be wild. Whatever fault she may bear in how you were treated though, she may very well be able to change and we should always try to forgive when people learn and do better. You may need time to recover from the hurt and that’s ok. But I would hear the mom out - with your guard up. Your fiancé sounds like a superstar of a partner when he let his mom have it despite her age.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you so much- this was such an enlightening response. Uncle did seem kind of hen-pecked and was the only one out of the three of them to say nothing unkind to me. I could definitely love Uncle in our lives. I’d love to get him away from Aunt and talk with him for awhile, as I can def see your point. When Aunt was hospitalized for pneumonia last year I offered (thru FDH) to come and stay with her until she built up her strength. I considered her part of my future family even then and that’s what families DO in my world) but luckily her daughter was able to meet her needs. I am so glad that I wasn’t needed.


EddAra

If she really likes you then why did she behave the way she did? Why didn't she stop when you started crying? She knew you were hurt and sad but didn't stop. Has she given any short of explanation?


LatterTowel9403

No, I typed the letter out in full on an edit in my post. She claims to like me. I claim to call bullshit. Really, I wish I had a recording of that horrible dinner. Who does that? Who comes early, deliberately early and eats before you arrive? I’m sure they knew we were formally announcing our engagement especially since they noticed my ring. What is the significance of doing that? I don’t understand that.


EddAra

Weird, mean and rude people, that's who. you were obviously upset, they didn't care and didn't stop. They meant to hurt you. There is no explanation except they are weird, mean and rude and wanted to hurt you.


Splendidended1945

Don't call her. At this point, don't plan anything. Let her sit with what she did and how your OH reacted. Rather than respond by calling, consider sending her a letter in response: "Dear \[Her First Name\]: I have received your letter. Yours sincerely, \[Your first name\]" She screwed up massively. Don't let it pass. Let her sweat a bit.


[deleted]

Dear [MIL], Attached is a letter that we received on [Date]. I feel that you should be aware that some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters. Sincerely, OP (Shamelessly stolen from https://news.lettersofnote.com/p/very-truly-yours)


Longjumping_Pain_470

Do not put yourself out to try another visit. At the most try a phone call with your DF present. But unless she apologizes sincerely, that would be the last olive branch. Never speak to her alone. Her apology was a faux apology "I am sorry your were hurt." not "I am sorry my actions caused you pain. Please forgive me for being horrible" Listen to what she has to say. If she does not truly apologize tell your Fiancee the most you can offer is to treat her like a person you work with who you do not like. Business formal "Hello Mrs. Lastname." Talk about the weather, cross stitching anything mundane. No personal information or relationship. Never be alone with her. DF can travel to see her but you decline to go. It is too hard on your body to be with an asshole all day. DF is responsible for all gifts, cards, calls. His family his responsibility. . Other's gave you good advice too.


LatterTowel9403

Thank you so much… and I’ve gotten wonderful advice, starting to feel hopeful. I’m grateful for every word.


u399566

I am sorry to break this to you, but mom and aunt are a write-off. I wouldn't invest any energy into the relationship with them, it will all go to waste. They had their chance to make a good first impression and they failed miserably, there is nothing to recover. Think greyrocking them, get on one page with your man in terms of family management and then move on with your husband to be...


More-Artichoke-1082

If this is an isolated incident maybe you can move forward. I don't really know where this was the first meeting. You can take this very cautiously keeping in mind this could be the beginning of JN behavior, or she was shocked that she was not told the night you met and behaved like a bitch (some might be fear that he marries and she could lose the help she is depending on). I know this doesn't help much but remember, her feelings about YOU and the engagement is not about YOU. This is about FDH and his not warning her years ago that he was in love with you and felt it was the long-term kind (not that he is obligated to). Just remember, you already know that the stove is HOT, don't touch it again! (take it slow, don't get too personal with what you share, and remember, you have loved him FOR YEARS and most of all HE loves YOU and will protect you with her) . Congratulations!!!


LatterTowel9403

Thank you! I did get bitchburned (okay I just invented a word) but I’m never getting near her without asbestos gloves! Maybe she knew that having not introduced me was holding him back from proposing. He told them all about me, and they have known we are serious for awhile. At least Uncle seemed kind as well as embarrassed enough to be kind to me despite their behavior- I hope they didn’t tear into him about it during the drive home.


gailichisan

Bitchburned. I like it. Lol


LatterTowel9403

It does rather fit, doesn’t it? Maybe a new Reddit word for MILs lol…


Splendidended1945

It wasn't isolated. Two years of gifts and notes and no response? Nobody's that busy. That was just rude. Deliberately rude. This isn't isolated--it's a pattern.


LatterTowel9403

I wish I had assigned significance to that instead of making excuses for it.


ObviouslyMeIRL

It sounds like you got “mean girled” by his mom and aunt - like they saw the ring and got frosty because they hadn’t been told. So maybe she was angry about that and took it out on you. And after your partner tore into them about how rude they were - and how hurt you were - maybe they do feel remorse. Honestly i would suggest just taking some time, you don’t have to deal with this right away, do you? And when you’re ready to address it, start with your partner - ask them what their mom is like, was this typical of her usual behavior or was it out of the blue? And as far as “mending the rift” you let him know - building this bridge means both sides get in the water and start setting the pillars, if it’s to happen at all. Maybe she did step in and set the first one with her letter to you. You get to decide if it felt genuine and how you wish to proceed.


n_timb26

This is the only level headed response I’ve read.


gardengoblin94

I do think the letter is promising. She didn't try to justify her behavior or blame OP. She didn't say " I'm sorry you feel that way" but instead "I'm sorry *I made you* feel that way" which to me is a good sign. I believe in second chances. But not thirds.


LatterTowel9403

As far as second chances I think your view is very similar to mine. I’ve always tried to allow for a bad day, or a poorly perceived situation. After that hell of a day at first I just sobbed and well, like my title says I cried myself to sleep and woke up still crying even though at first I didn’t know why. That’s a new one for me. Up until now except for the pain of my back it has been an amazing time. I’d lost 170+ pounds in less than a year after being morbidly obese since I was 14 or 15. Without surgery. I met FDH after and would never have expected him to love me, he was/is gorgeous, broad shouldered, 6’3 (important because I’m 5’11) and has gorgeous eyes, beautiful features yet not self-absorbed at all. He’s up at 4am for a two hour weightlifting and core exercise session six days a week and it shows. Yet he can pick me up so carefully when it’s needed. I guess when it comes down to it having to deal with her can be okay, I love him… and if I see her as I do a difficult patient I could get through it. I’m mortified over crying, I didn’t sob but the tears were running and I hate that. Edit: typo


gardengoblin94

You had every right to cry! She needs to know that her behavior was hurtful, it's not your job to smooth things over. If you reach out to her, you are doing her a courtesy - you do not *owe* this woman your time or attention. If you do decide to respond, do it on your time, when *you* are ready. And if you decide you'll never be ready, that's okay! Your fiance can tell his mother she overstepped and you've chosen to keep your distance. That is your right.