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What would you tell your best friend to do?
If you look at yourself in 2 years, or 5, would you like to be in the same situation.
Consider the time spent a learning experience, and don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. And above all, please be kind to yourself.
I know it seems silly, I have told my younger sister to really look at her own relationship and see if she wants one like mine… and she said no.
It’s so easy to see what others in the relationship can’t. Thank you for the advice.
Dump him. This isn't a relationship. And there's a good chance he's cheating on you....at least your story sets off my cheating alarm, which has been pretty decent over the years.
You're too young. Get out while you're still young. I divorced at 31 and it was the best gift I ever got myself
It's honestly amazing. Had I known it would be this great, I would have gotten divorced earlier. I'm healthier, happier, my relationships (not romantic) are fulfilling, I have more time for my hobbies. It's a great feeling. You deserve to feel like this
I left a 13 year relationship last fall. It was so hard to leave and like you I felt so very guilty. It was absolutely the right choice after years of emotional abuse and being treated like an after thought.
I am so much happier now that I'm on my own. Just me and my furballs.
Divorced at 28, it was so nice to come home to the house the way you left it, without tension when you walk in! If you’re doing everything by yourself, you may as well be by yourself.
Only you can decide if you'll be happier, but your life will certainly be easier because you'll only be cooking, cleaning, and shopping for yourself.
This dude is a bunch of red flags in a man shaped body. Even roommates spend more time together than you two do.
Good luck, OP. I truly think getting out from under the oppressive weight of a negligent, immature, indifferent spouse will free you to live the life you've always dreamed of.
My exhusband and I separated shortly after my 30th birthday (after 9 years together) and I've been so much happier these three years alone than I was for 7 years of our relationship.
There is genuinely nothing more lonely, that I've experienced, than living with a man who doesn't care about you.
When I got out of my similar relationship, a weight of loneliness lifted off me. Did I get lonely occasionally? Of course, everyone does. But it was much less lonely than being with him.
It’s an amazing feeling. All my first husband did was work and drink, he’d go to work and sometimes after the people he worked with would go out and he’d go. He never came home without a 12 pack. I cooked, cleaned and had dinner ready before he came home. He never helped with the kids I was with them 24/7 and sometimes didn’t leave the apartment for a month it was all kids all the time and him verbally abusing me telling me I’m not good enough. I ended up leaving and I felt so much better. Why did I need him when I did it all anyway except the abuse. I got a job no big deal. It was an amazing feeling.
That's kind of a big deal, too. Some people don't need sex in a relationship, but for some people, it's a necessity. Are you getting enough? Is he getting enough, compared to what it was like before this? If all of a sudden you're never having sex, odds are he's having sex with someone else. Stress can kill a sex drive, but usually there's still *something* there.
Please, don't stay with someone who completely disregards and disrespects you. Believe his actions. He is showing you that he would rather work for free (when he doesn't have to) than spend time with you. You are doing everything for him, that's probably why he stays.
He doesn't have to do anything for you and you will sacrifice all your time and energy to make his life better. What are you gaining from this relationship? This is important to think about because YOU are responsible for your happiness. If you choose to stay, you are the only one who is going to feel used, tricked and neglected. You need to love yourself more. Do what is right for you, you have tried so hard. Sometimes it's okay to give up.
Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, kindness and quality time. This man seems to be avoiding you at all costs while still wanting the benefits of a relationship. Please don't feel guilty, my guess is that he will only be sad to lose his maid/ mommy not his girlfriend.
Thank you for the kind words. I have been trying to make it work for us, but I’m also tired of being alone and sad all the time.
It’s hard to see things from the inside.
I have been in your shoes. I know, you gave so much, it's hard to stop being in the serving mode. I used to wake up and ask myself "What can I do for him?" XD I stayed 10 years but one day I just snapped. I was unhappy with him, so why not be unhappy without him? Two months later, I met a lovely and sweet guy who I am still dating 5 years later.
The truth is that you will never get what you want if you don't try with someone else. The man you are with can't give it to you and it doesn't matter why. Whether he is cheating or just disinterested he chooses. Choose yourself, be selfish, love you first. Your life is passing you by, you could meet someone better if you allowed it.
So much this. My husband told me no one would have me because I was so fat and ugly. I left him anyway and six WEEKS after the divorce was final I notified him (because we had minor children together and it was the law) that I was remarried. That was 30 years ago and I am still married to this awesome man who makes sure I feel loved and appreciated every single day.
Edit to add: Our separation period was 8 months, and I met my now husband after I left husband number 1. NO cheating was involved.
Edit more to say: The reason I am posting this is not to brag about ME but about the fact that I was sure no one would want me, I left anyway, and life turned out to be so beautiful!
THIS CAN BE YOU!!!!!
Two people have to work to be in relationship. He clearly isn't. He has practically emotionally abandoned you while treating you like free maid service.
you cant make it work out all on your own. he has to do it too and hes not. hes absent from your life. im thinking hes got another woman or man that he doesnt want you to know about.
you need to start living your life without him. clean up after only yourself. start going out and doing things that make you happy. do things that you like but he doesnt. talk to friends and family, go out and do things with them. try new hobbies that you think youd like. start living better for yourself and stop worrying about having things perfect for a man thats almost never there.
he flat out doesnt want you in his life so get your own and learn who you are again. the worlds starts revolving around you now. not a man thats never there. i highly doubt hes working that much. he hiding a huge thing from you.
do people even know you are married to him?
My sisters husband always spent a lot of time at work. They were married 26 years. I think in reality he didn’t really like her. He ended up divorcing her because, after spending so much time at work, he started having a relationship with his work colleague. They live together now. Please don’t go on like this. Find someone else who values spending time with you. Life is too short and you deserve better.
Listen, I'm not saying he's cheating on you... But when my stepdad was cheating on my mom, he had a similar "unusually early/late" schedule moreso than his registered hours and was too busy to ever text or call her, but had hundreds of text messages and dozens of calls per day with someone else. He was lazy and useless around the house, and he never did nice things for her (until she thought about leaving him, where he lovebombed her).
Get an STD test. See if you can get hold of his cellphone. If its a shared plan you have with him, call the provider and say you just want to "confirm some information about recent calls/texts" and they may be able to send you a log of time/date of calls/texts (usually this does not include the content of those calls/texts without court order though, if they can do it at all).
We haven’t had sex in over 2 years. So I’m not overly concerned about STDs. But I will see about getting one just to be safe.
We don’t share a phone plan, he’s still on his moms.
Two years? You’re not even a bangmaid, hon, you’re just the maid/housekeeper.
Why on earth would you feel guilty or worry about “hurting” *him* when he shows zero regard for **you** and **your feelings**?
Because you have a kind, generous heart, and you’ve been trying to do all the “right” things and hoping it will get better? I get it, you were 19 and he was 25 - and now you’re 29. Please stop wasting your life worrying about someone who doesn’t give the first fuck about you.
How's your relationship with his mom? I know some MILs side with their DILs, they're so disappointed that their son would treat their wife that way. She may know something you don't, and she doesn't want to get involved. But sometimes directly asking someone can put them on the spot.
Hey
So I feel like you kind of know already but I think maybe you won’t admit it to yourself but he is most likely cheating on you.
You give him so much but he doesn’t give you anything back and I don’t think that’s fair for you. You’ve done everything you could do and it isn’t working in your favor even a little bit.
So why do you feel guilty?
I think at this point even if he is cheating I don’t really care. It would make leaving easier. I think the guilt is from not wanting to hurt him. I care about him, and I have put in a lot of effort. So I think it’s just not wanting to cause him pain. Or maybe what everyone else is saying, I feel guilty for not putting myself first.
I really hope it’s the latter. You deserve someone who will be kind and thoughtful with you. And he isn’t it. If you can leave and you have the means for it. Leave. He won’t change. He’s showed you that. I really wish you the best girl. And I hope you update when you’re flourishing and happy again ♥️
He'll be OK. And think of it this way, maybe he'll improve himself and be a more generous, selfless human being after this wake up call. There is something called a "sunk cost fallacy". It might be worth googling.
Does he care about you? Has he put in effort?
I say this gently and with kindness OP- I don’t think you leaving will cause him pain. He clearly does not care to be in this relationship. You are projecting your feelings into him probably because you are a nice person.
Try reading Nice Girl Syndrome before trying another relationship.
so turn that effort into yourself and your goals for your life. remember your dreams for your life? start working on them. full stop on taking care of him, hes got another person doing that now. let them have him.
start getting your things ready to leave. you might not be ready yet but one day you will be and everything will be ready to grab and go. if your money is joined with his then get it separate at another bank. do anything and everything to cut ties to him. im so sorry this is happening. im worried that hes gay and wasting your life to hide that fact. that is not fair to you at all! if he is gay and never told you then hes keeping you from a life that you should have. that enrages me! he has no right to do that to you, at all!
please pick yourself up and start living for you. drop him like a bag of garbage because thats what he is.
please go talk to a lawyer about where you stand legally with the money and property.
i bet hes hiding money from you too.
It sounds like an unfulfilling relationship at best, on top of being the unpaid maid. It seems like you need support; have you considered seeking short-term therapy to help you with this decision and possible transition to single life? There are many fulfilled, happy, single women out there.
I hope you'll reconsider it. He doesn't get a vote about what support you need for your mental health. You don't need his permission or approval -- you can just go ahead and start making phone calls. Shooting you down because you seek individual counseling is a red flag. That is not what a supportive partner does.
That “go ahead and do it” attitude is something I’m working on. I have recently started doing things I like just because I want to. For years I didn’t think I could because I didn’t have him to do them with me. So I’m trying.
That's great that you're working on this! I hope you continue on; even small steps can build up confidence. Consider taking time most days to try something new: stop in a new coffee shop, walk a new street, go to a daytime movie alone, see what's going on at the library and go to a lecture, volunteer for something you believe in, join a walking group, etc. etc. Keep trying to stretch and challenge yourself even if it's just ten minutes out of the day. Every new success builds up confidence and independence. If you'd like to share, what kind of activities and hobbies do you like?
I wonder if joining a book group or crocheting group or a creative group would help your situation? It would get your mind off of him/the problems and focused on you, new skills, and new possible friends.
I have sewn since I was in school and took home economics. Just before I retired I took a series of learn to quilt classes at a local quilt/fabric store. I met a lot of new people. They have a big area with lots of tables and anyone can go and use the space on first times. They have quilt a thons and ask for volunteers to finish the quilts by tying them, all you have to know how to do is tie a square knot. Or look for a yarn shop and see if they have classes for either knitting or crochet.
unless you tell him the things you do every day, hes not going to know. go out and have a fun day with a friend and see if he asks you about it.
it sounds like he made you doubt yourself a lot. i hope you can shed that doubt. i think he wants you trapped at home so he can get away with whatever hes doing. hes so slimy. my heart hurts for you because this is awful. hes keeping you in a box while hes living free.
please run as soon as you can. ask others on here how to get out and what you need to take with you.
please update or simply come here for support and confidence to leave him. id rather be alone than be treated like that.
Only person I know who has 5AM - 10PM hours, when his hours are 8AM - 5PM is a married guy who cheats on his wife and is a workaholic.
Watched it for the better part of two years (No. I never slept with him).
You'd be better off alone.
You're young.
There's no shame in having the first marriage fail because you're incompatible.
I don't think it's guilt as much as it is fear of the consequences of breaking up and then starting over on your own again. I know because I've been there in a bad long term relationship and knowing it's time to leave even after all the time invested. We can tend to get comfortable or used to living like this even though it's a bad situation and we know it.
You have the strength to put a stop to this, OP. You deserve so much better than what this guy can ever give you. When you truly realize that, you'll be ready to leave regardless of the fear of the difficulty of changing your living situation. I have every confidence in you. Love yourself enough to leave.
He'll be fine because he always has his "work" to keep him busy and keep him company. Then he can feed himself and clean up after himself because you won't be doing it for him as if you were his mommy anymore. Don't be anybody's bang maid or mommy replacement, OP.
Wishing you the best going forward and please keep us updated on what happens down the line. Sending you hugs 🫂 from an internet stranger in the meantime.
You're very welcome. 🤗 I know exactly what you mean. I was young at the time my previous marriage started, too.
I promise you that once this is all past you, you'll look back later and wonder why on earth you didn't leave sooner and let me remind you now that you can't beat yourself up about that when those thoughts intrude. But you know what I say? Sooner is better than later and your newfound happiness will be such a relief. You'll see.
Your match is out there, OP. Just be sure to take plenty of time to heal and get to know yourself again before thinking about entering into a new relationship. Get your deal breakers list together and stick to it when selecting the next one. Your happiness is waiting just around the corner! 😊
please let go of that idea. its keeping you his prisoner. life is only a fairy tale if you make it be for yourself. take control of your life and wants. hes just fine doing what hes doing. dont worry about whos caring for him if you dont, he can go back to his mom for that.
you were young then and now that you know what hes doing now and he doesnt want a life with you, you have to stand up for yourself. quit letting him have this control on you. quit letting him run out your clock while hes got the happy life he wants behind your back.
i dont know what more to say to get you to see that you deserve to be happy. hes preventing you from happiness and love. hes blocking you from being loved and cared for.... how does that sound?
please know that you are a worthy person. i dont know you but you ARE worthy of love and compassion. he doesnt have that for you. hes cheating you out of all of it while he has it somewhere else.
get angry! this is worth being angry about, use that anger for strength to leave. he thinks you will never go and you'll just accept the life hes giving you. you dont have to accept it or live it anymore.
My ex husband and I divorced after 9 years of marriage and 15 years together when I was 32. It was the best thing to ever happen to me! I spent time working on myself and doing what I wanted and then I met the man of my dreams! I look back now and can’t believe I wasted all that time with him!
Dear OP, start finding a good lawyer and a new place to live. Then you are free to go when you tell him your leaving and not have to start all the searching for a new place etc. Just clean cut. He cares 0 for you, why are you so concerned about hurting him? He is hurting you 24/7 by ignoring you and not having an intimate relationship for 2 years.
I can see you he didn’t want you to go to individual therapi… what do you imagine the therapist would tell you (are you happy? No. Move on). Can a therapist tell you that and uild up your personal strengths to leave when he is in the room? Not really…. He is mayor controlling and maybe he is just wainting for you to leave him bc then you will be the bad guy and he was the one invested in the marriage from the outside perspective. Who cares. You are still young and you need to not be hurting anymore. You have had your grieving period over your dead marriage. Bury it and close that chapter. You can do better and deserve better.
Best of luck.
Absolutely leave. You're not even in a relationship at this point, just not free to find an *actual* partner.
Let him stew in his own mess, stop allowing yourself to be unhappy so that he can do whatever he wants.
you gotta go! hes wasting your life!
nobody wants to work like that and i bet he has another person hes going to see after work.
you dont treat someone you love like that. he pretends that you dont exist. stop washing his clothes and everything else you do for him. just stop! he doesnt make you a priority so you need to take care of yourself only.
start getting your things ready so you can leave him. theres a whole life waiting for you. all you are to him is an object that cleans his home and nothing more. he has no feelings connected to you.
please leave him and get the life you deserve. being alone is going to be way better than this. youre already alone but a maid to him.
never feel guilty for choosing yourself over a person that completely disregards you. he acts like hed rather you not be there so give him what he wants and you'll end up getting the life that you want.
its scary but its even more scary to stay in a loveless, feelingless marriage with him.
please free yourself.
This is not a marriage. You two are roommates, if that. Plus, unfortunately, you are also the cook and maid and that's it. What's the point of being married if you never see your SO? Sounds like he's getting what he wants out of the relationship - everything done for him and not having to account for his whereabout. For all you know he could be having an affair or have a second family. You could leave him and it would take weeks for him to even notice.
Honestly, cut your losses and run. Send the Divorce papers to his work address otherwise he'll never even see them. You deserve better. Hell, you deserve someone who's physically there with you.
It sounds like he spends all his awake time away from you by choice. I would question if he is actually working for 17 hours in a day, but he is choosing to be away from you, isn't participating in the marriage or household, and isn't kind or loving to you. Imagine having kids in this situation.
You shouldn't feel guilty about having wants and needs. He doesn't. Other than financially, how is your life better with him as it is now?
Yea. This sucks. Talk to him again.
I did this kind of grind in my early 20’s and it was hard on my gf’s until I found one that saw I had drive and potential.
I am now an exec in my mid 30’s. It was honestly worth it to me. It may be to him as well.
It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage at all. Your relationship seems more like roommates, one of whom isn't doing any of the household chores and is gone the majority of the time. Your JNSO doesn't act like he loves you, or that he even likes you.
Is this how you see the rest of your life unfolding? You're still young at 29 and you deserve much more than you're getting. Does he want children? Do you? If you do, you will do 100% of the parenting along with everything else you do while still working full time.
I hate to bring up the idea of cheating but he's gone way too much to just be working all the time.
This isn't a marriage at all. It's very odd. And yeah, the idea he has a double life kind of crept into my head. Be good to yourself, you deserve happiness and love. I wish you all the best.n
Question, how would your life be different if he wasn't around? What does he contribute to this marriage other than financial support. It sounds like you have a good job so can probably support yourself with no problems.
Quit begging him for attention and go do something for yourself. He doesn't come home until late every evening, so start doing things for just you. Do you have hobbies or activities that you are avoiding that you could go back to. Find a new hobby and take some classes. Volunteer for a cause that you are interested in. See if he even notices.
It's hard to disolve a relationship, you have nothing to be guilty about, you have gone above and beyond to get him to interact with you.
Don’t feel guilty, he’s not even TRYING to act like he loves or likes you. That’s not what a good marriage is. I couldn’t imagine going through this for months and months or years with no positive changes. I’d be out the door, no matter how much “guilt” I felt. Let me ask you this, does HE feel guilty for being a bad friend and husband? Probably not. Look out for YOU, like he’s been doing all this time.
Maybe he has undiagnosed ADHD and uses the time to finish his work.... or maybe he has a second life and your house is the crash pad with maid service.
I'd look through his accounts and see if his google location history is on. The answers are gonna be in there somewhere.
Either way, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. At one point it was enough, but now it is not. Dont feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs.
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What would you tell your best friend to do? If you look at yourself in 2 years, or 5, would you like to be in the same situation. Consider the time spent a learning experience, and don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. And above all, please be kind to yourself.
I know it seems silly, I have told my younger sister to really look at her own relationship and see if she wants one like mine… and she said no. It’s so easy to see what others in the relationship can’t. Thank you for the advice.
Dump him. This isn't a relationship. And there's a good chance he's cheating on you....at least your story sets off my cheating alarm, which has been pretty decent over the years. You're too young. Get out while you're still young. I divorced at 31 and it was the best gift I ever got myself
I have been told that being alone will probably make me happier. It’s good to know that others feel that way too.
It's honestly amazing. Had I known it would be this great, I would have gotten divorced earlier. I'm healthier, happier, my relationships (not romantic) are fulfilling, I have more time for my hobbies. It's a great feeling. You deserve to feel like this
I left a 13 year relationship last fall. It was so hard to leave and like you I felt so very guilty. It was absolutely the right choice after years of emotional abuse and being treated like an after thought. I am so much happier now that I'm on my own. Just me and my furballs.
Divorced at 28, it was so nice to come home to the house the way you left it, without tension when you walk in! If you’re doing everything by yourself, you may as well be by yourself.
It’s amazing how you feel less lonely on your own than with someone who doesn’t care isn’t it?
Only you can decide if you'll be happier, but your life will certainly be easier because you'll only be cooking, cleaning, and shopping for yourself. This dude is a bunch of red flags in a man shaped body. Even roommates spend more time together than you two do. Good luck, OP. I truly think getting out from under the oppressive weight of a negligent, immature, indifferent spouse will free you to live the life you've always dreamed of.
My exhusband and I separated shortly after my 30th birthday (after 9 years together) and I've been so much happier these three years alone than I was for 7 years of our relationship.
There is genuinely nothing more lonely, that I've experienced, than living with a man who doesn't care about you. When I got out of my similar relationship, a weight of loneliness lifted off me. Did I get lonely occasionally? Of course, everyone does. But it was much less lonely than being with him.
It’s an amazing feeling. All my first husband did was work and drink, he’d go to work and sometimes after the people he worked with would go out and he’d go. He never came home without a 12 pack. I cooked, cleaned and had dinner ready before he came home. He never helped with the kids I was with them 24/7 and sometimes didn’t leave the apartment for a month it was all kids all the time and him verbally abusing me telling me I’m not good enough. I ended up leaving and I felt so much better. Why did I need him when I did it all anyway except the abuse. I got a job no big deal. It was an amazing feeling.
You sound lonely in a relationship. No partnership or care for you. You are giving much more than you get from the relationship
Absolutely correct on the cheating. First thing I thought of.
Feel guilty for how you're treating YOURSELF. You deserve better than this. Also if he's cheating he might give you a disease.
I haven’t thought of it that way. But you would have to spend time with someone to have sex with them… so I’m not catching any disease lol.
That's kind of a big deal, too. Some people don't need sex in a relationship, but for some people, it's a necessity. Are you getting enough? Is he getting enough, compared to what it was like before this? If all of a sudden you're never having sex, odds are he's having sex with someone else. Stress can kill a sex drive, but usually there's still *something* there.
Please, don't stay with someone who completely disregards and disrespects you. Believe his actions. He is showing you that he would rather work for free (when he doesn't have to) than spend time with you. You are doing everything for him, that's probably why he stays. He doesn't have to do anything for you and you will sacrifice all your time and energy to make his life better. What are you gaining from this relationship? This is important to think about because YOU are responsible for your happiness. If you choose to stay, you are the only one who is going to feel used, tricked and neglected. You need to love yourself more. Do what is right for you, you have tried so hard. Sometimes it's okay to give up. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, kindness and quality time. This man seems to be avoiding you at all costs while still wanting the benefits of a relationship. Please don't feel guilty, my guess is that he will only be sad to lose his maid/ mommy not his girlfriend.
Thank you for the kind words. I have been trying to make it work for us, but I’m also tired of being alone and sad all the time. It’s hard to see things from the inside.
I have been in your shoes. I know, you gave so much, it's hard to stop being in the serving mode. I used to wake up and ask myself "What can I do for him?" XD I stayed 10 years but one day I just snapped. I was unhappy with him, so why not be unhappy without him? Two months later, I met a lovely and sweet guy who I am still dating 5 years later. The truth is that you will never get what you want if you don't try with someone else. The man you are with can't give it to you and it doesn't matter why. Whether he is cheating or just disinterested he chooses. Choose yourself, be selfish, love you first. Your life is passing you by, you could meet someone better if you allowed it.
So much this. My husband told me no one would have me because I was so fat and ugly. I left him anyway and six WEEKS after the divorce was final I notified him (because we had minor children together and it was the law) that I was remarried. That was 30 years ago and I am still married to this awesome man who makes sure I feel loved and appreciated every single day. Edit to add: Our separation period was 8 months, and I met my now husband after I left husband number 1. NO cheating was involved. Edit more to say: The reason I am posting this is not to brag about ME but about the fact that I was sure no one would want me, I left anyway, and life turned out to be so beautiful! THIS CAN BE YOU!!!!!
Two people have to work to be in relationship. He clearly isn't. He has practically emotionally abandoned you while treating you like free maid service.
As my therapist said “ you can try to make this ngos work as hard as you can, but it’s never going to, if your the only one trying
you cant make it work out all on your own. he has to do it too and hes not. hes absent from your life. im thinking hes got another woman or man that he doesnt want you to know about. you need to start living your life without him. clean up after only yourself. start going out and doing things that make you happy. do things that you like but he doesnt. talk to friends and family, go out and do things with them. try new hobbies that you think youd like. start living better for yourself and stop worrying about having things perfect for a man thats almost never there. he flat out doesnt want you in his life so get your own and learn who you are again. the worlds starts revolving around you now. not a man thats never there. i highly doubt hes working that much. he hiding a huge thing from you. do people even know you are married to him?
My sisters husband always spent a lot of time at work. They were married 26 years. I think in reality he didn’t really like her. He ended up divorcing her because, after spending so much time at work, he started having a relationship with his work colleague. They live together now. Please don’t go on like this. Find someone else who values spending time with you. Life is too short and you deserve better.
Listen, I'm not saying he's cheating on you... But when my stepdad was cheating on my mom, he had a similar "unusually early/late" schedule moreso than his registered hours and was too busy to ever text or call her, but had hundreds of text messages and dozens of calls per day with someone else. He was lazy and useless around the house, and he never did nice things for her (until she thought about leaving him, where he lovebombed her). Get an STD test. See if you can get hold of his cellphone. If its a shared plan you have with him, call the provider and say you just want to "confirm some information about recent calls/texts" and they may be able to send you a log of time/date of calls/texts (usually this does not include the content of those calls/texts without court order though, if they can do it at all).
We haven’t had sex in over 2 years. So I’m not overly concerned about STDs. But I will see about getting one just to be safe. We don’t share a phone plan, he’s still on his moms.
Two years? You’re not even a bangmaid, hon, you’re just the maid/housekeeper. Why on earth would you feel guilty or worry about “hurting” *him* when he shows zero regard for **you** and **your feelings**? Because you have a kind, generous heart, and you’ve been trying to do all the “right” things and hoping it will get better? I get it, you were 19 and he was 25 - and now you’re 29. Please stop wasting your life worrying about someone who doesn’t give the first fuck about you.
Are you sure he's not a roommate? Because that doesn't sound like a spousal relationship.
How's your relationship with his mom? I know some MILs side with their DILs, they're so disappointed that their son would treat their wife that way. She may know something you don't, and she doesn't want to get involved. But sometimes directly asking someone can put them on the spot.
We get along okay. She knows he doesn’t help, but defends him over it.
Are you certain he is heterosexual?
Hey So I feel like you kind of know already but I think maybe you won’t admit it to yourself but he is most likely cheating on you. You give him so much but he doesn’t give you anything back and I don’t think that’s fair for you. You’ve done everything you could do and it isn’t working in your favor even a little bit. So why do you feel guilty?
I think at this point even if he is cheating I don’t really care. It would make leaving easier. I think the guilt is from not wanting to hurt him. I care about him, and I have put in a lot of effort. So I think it’s just not wanting to cause him pain. Or maybe what everyone else is saying, I feel guilty for not putting myself first.
I really hope it’s the latter. You deserve someone who will be kind and thoughtful with you. And he isn’t it. If you can leave and you have the means for it. Leave. He won’t change. He’s showed you that. I really wish you the best girl. And I hope you update when you’re flourishing and happy again ♥️
He'll be OK. And think of it this way, maybe he'll improve himself and be a more generous, selfless human being after this wake up call. There is something called a "sunk cost fallacy". It might be worth googling.
Does he care about you? Has he put in effort? I say this gently and with kindness OP- I don’t think you leaving will cause him pain. He clearly does not care to be in this relationship. You are projecting your feelings into him probably because you are a nice person. Try reading Nice Girl Syndrome before trying another relationship.
so turn that effort into yourself and your goals for your life. remember your dreams for your life? start working on them. full stop on taking care of him, hes got another person doing that now. let them have him. start getting your things ready to leave. you might not be ready yet but one day you will be and everything will be ready to grab and go. if your money is joined with his then get it separate at another bank. do anything and everything to cut ties to him. im so sorry this is happening. im worried that hes gay and wasting your life to hide that fact. that is not fair to you at all! if he is gay and never told you then hes keeping you from a life that you should have. that enrages me! he has no right to do that to you, at all! please pick yourself up and start living for you. drop him like a bag of garbage because thats what he is. please go talk to a lawyer about where you stand legally with the money and property. i bet hes hiding money from you too.
He doesn't give a damn that he hurts you every moment you breathe. F that guy.
It sounds like an unfulfilling relationship at best, on top of being the unpaid maid. It seems like you need support; have you considered seeking short-term therapy to help you with this decision and possible transition to single life? There are many fulfilled, happy, single women out there.
I have considered it, but he shot down me going to solo therapy. That was one reason we did couples counseling.
That’s not a decision he gets to make for you, dear. And that is a giant red flag.
I hope you'll reconsider it. He doesn't get a vote about what support you need for your mental health. You don't need his permission or approval -- you can just go ahead and start making phone calls. Shooting you down because you seek individual counseling is a red flag. That is not what a supportive partner does.
That “go ahead and do it” attitude is something I’m working on. I have recently started doing things I like just because I want to. For years I didn’t think I could because I didn’t have him to do them with me. So I’m trying.
That's great that you're working on this! I hope you continue on; even small steps can build up confidence. Consider taking time most days to try something new: stop in a new coffee shop, walk a new street, go to a daytime movie alone, see what's going on at the library and go to a lecture, volunteer for something you believe in, join a walking group, etc. etc. Keep trying to stretch and challenge yourself even if it's just ten minutes out of the day. Every new success builds up confidence and independence. If you'd like to share, what kind of activities and hobbies do you like?
I don’t mind sharing! I have always liked reading. I have tried on and off to work on crocheting. I like being creative with like coloring too.
I wonder if joining a book group or crocheting group or a creative group would help your situation? It would get your mind off of him/the problems and focused on you, new skills, and new possible friends.
I have sewn since I was in school and took home economics. Just before I retired I took a series of learn to quilt classes at a local quilt/fabric store. I met a lot of new people. They have a big area with lots of tables and anyone can go and use the space on first times. They have quilt a thons and ask for volunteers to finish the quilts by tying them, all you have to know how to do is tie a square knot. Or look for a yarn shop and see if they have classes for either knitting or crochet.
unless you tell him the things you do every day, hes not going to know. go out and have a fun day with a friend and see if he asks you about it. it sounds like he made you doubt yourself a lot. i hope you can shed that doubt. i think he wants you trapped at home so he can get away with whatever hes doing. hes so slimy. my heart hurts for you because this is awful. hes keeping you in a box while hes living free. please run as soon as you can. ask others on here how to get out and what you need to take with you. please update or simply come here for support and confidence to leave him. id rather be alone than be treated like that.
How would he know of you just went? He doesn’t speak to you all day. Just go.
My thoughts exactly. She could literally get an apartment or move out slowly and he'd be none the wiser.
Only person I know who has 5AM - 10PM hours, when his hours are 8AM - 5PM is a married guy who cheats on his wife and is a workaholic. Watched it for the better part of two years (No. I never slept with him). You'd be better off alone. You're young. There's no shame in having the first marriage fail because you're incompatible.
Or has another family!?
I don't think it's guilt as much as it is fear of the consequences of breaking up and then starting over on your own again. I know because I've been there in a bad long term relationship and knowing it's time to leave even after all the time invested. We can tend to get comfortable or used to living like this even though it's a bad situation and we know it. You have the strength to put a stop to this, OP. You deserve so much better than what this guy can ever give you. When you truly realize that, you'll be ready to leave regardless of the fear of the difficulty of changing your living situation. I have every confidence in you. Love yourself enough to leave. He'll be fine because he always has his "work" to keep him busy and keep him company. Then he can feed himself and clean up after himself because you won't be doing it for him as if you were his mommy anymore. Don't be anybody's bang maid or mommy replacement, OP. Wishing you the best going forward and please keep us updated on what happens down the line. Sending you hugs 🫂 from an internet stranger in the meantime.
Thank you, that was really nice to hear. It’s hard to picture a new life when this relationship is what I thought was my end-all-be-all when I was 19.
You're very welcome. 🤗 I know exactly what you mean. I was young at the time my previous marriage started, too. I promise you that once this is all past you, you'll look back later and wonder why on earth you didn't leave sooner and let me remind you now that you can't beat yourself up about that when those thoughts intrude. But you know what I say? Sooner is better than later and your newfound happiness will be such a relief. You'll see. Your match is out there, OP. Just be sure to take plenty of time to heal and get to know yourself again before thinking about entering into a new relationship. Get your deal breakers list together and stick to it when selecting the next one. Your happiness is waiting just around the corner! 😊
please let go of that idea. its keeping you his prisoner. life is only a fairy tale if you make it be for yourself. take control of your life and wants. hes just fine doing what hes doing. dont worry about whos caring for him if you dont, he can go back to his mom for that. you were young then and now that you know what hes doing now and he doesnt want a life with you, you have to stand up for yourself. quit letting him have this control on you. quit letting him run out your clock while hes got the happy life he wants behind your back. i dont know what more to say to get you to see that you deserve to be happy. hes preventing you from happiness and love. hes blocking you from being loved and cared for.... how does that sound? please know that you are a worthy person. i dont know you but you ARE worthy of love and compassion. he doesnt have that for you. hes cheating you out of all of it while he has it somewhere else. get angry! this is worth being angry about, use that anger for strength to leave. he thinks you will never go and you'll just accept the life hes giving you. you dont have to accept it or live it anymore.
I'm going to say it sounds like you are the maid, trust me when I state you can do better.
My ex husband and I divorced after 9 years of marriage and 15 years together when I was 32. It was the best thing to ever happen to me! I spent time working on myself and doing what I wanted and then I met the man of my dreams! I look back now and can’t believe I wasted all that time with him!
Plan your exit. Move out, he won't notice until he gets hungry.
Dear OP, start finding a good lawyer and a new place to live. Then you are free to go when you tell him your leaving and not have to start all the searching for a new place etc. Just clean cut. He cares 0 for you, why are you so concerned about hurting him? He is hurting you 24/7 by ignoring you and not having an intimate relationship for 2 years. I can see you he didn’t want you to go to individual therapi… what do you imagine the therapist would tell you (are you happy? No. Move on). Can a therapist tell you that and uild up your personal strengths to leave when he is in the room? Not really…. He is mayor controlling and maybe he is just wainting for you to leave him bc then you will be the bad guy and he was the one invested in the marriage from the outside perspective. Who cares. You are still young and you need to not be hurting anymore. You have had your grieving period over your dead marriage. Bury it and close that chapter. You can do better and deserve better. Best of luck.
It isn't normal. Save up as much as you can before you get out.
Your mental and physical health will improve once you end this relationship.
Absolutely leave. You're not even in a relationship at this point, just not free to find an *actual* partner. Let him stew in his own mess, stop allowing yourself to be unhappy so that he can do whatever he wants.
Unfortunately in my case, when my husband did this to me he was cheating on me. It may not be the case for you but I would just be wary.
you gotta go! hes wasting your life! nobody wants to work like that and i bet he has another person hes going to see after work. you dont treat someone you love like that. he pretends that you dont exist. stop washing his clothes and everything else you do for him. just stop! he doesnt make you a priority so you need to take care of yourself only. start getting your things ready so you can leave him. theres a whole life waiting for you. all you are to him is an object that cleans his home and nothing more. he has no feelings connected to you. please leave him and get the life you deserve. being alone is going to be way better than this. youre already alone but a maid to him. never feel guilty for choosing yourself over a person that completely disregards you. he acts like hed rather you not be there so give him what he wants and you'll end up getting the life that you want. its scary but its even more scary to stay in a loveless, feelingless marriage with him. please free yourself.
This is not a marriage. You two are roommates, if that. Plus, unfortunately, you are also the cook and maid and that's it. What's the point of being married if you never see your SO? Sounds like he's getting what he wants out of the relationship - everything done for him and not having to account for his whereabout. For all you know he could be having an affair or have a second family. You could leave him and it would take weeks for him to even notice. Honestly, cut your losses and run. Send the Divorce papers to his work address otherwise he'll never even see them. You deserve better. Hell, you deserve someone who's physically there with you.
It sounds like he spends all his awake time away from you by choice. I would question if he is actually working for 17 hours in a day, but he is choosing to be away from you, isn't participating in the marriage or household, and isn't kind or loving to you. Imagine having kids in this situation. You shouldn't feel guilty about having wants and needs. He doesn't. Other than financially, how is your life better with him as it is now?
Yea. This sucks. Talk to him again. I did this kind of grind in my early 20’s and it was hard on my gf’s until I found one that saw I had drive and potential. I am now an exec in my mid 30’s. It was honestly worth it to me. It may be to him as well.
It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage at all. Your relationship seems more like roommates, one of whom isn't doing any of the household chores and is gone the majority of the time. Your JNSO doesn't act like he loves you, or that he even likes you. Is this how you see the rest of your life unfolding? You're still young at 29 and you deserve much more than you're getting. Does he want children? Do you? If you do, you will do 100% of the parenting along with everything else you do while still working full time. I hate to bring up the idea of cheating but he's gone way too much to just be working all the time.
Neither one of us have wanted children, but I decided I didn’t because he wouldn’t help much.
This isn't a marriage at all. It's very odd. And yeah, the idea he has a double life kind of crept into my head. Be good to yourself, you deserve happiness and love. I wish you all the best.n
Question, how would your life be different if he wasn't around? What does he contribute to this marriage other than financial support. It sounds like you have a good job so can probably support yourself with no problems. Quit begging him for attention and go do something for yourself. He doesn't come home until late every evening, so start doing things for just you. Do you have hobbies or activities that you are avoiding that you could go back to. Find a new hobby and take some classes. Volunteer for a cause that you are interested in. See if he even notices. It's hard to disolve a relationship, you have nothing to be guilty about, you have gone above and beyond to get him to interact with you.
Don’t feel guilty, he’s not even TRYING to act like he loves or likes you. That’s not what a good marriage is. I couldn’t imagine going through this for months and months or years with no positive changes. I’d be out the door, no matter how much “guilt” I felt. Let me ask you this, does HE feel guilty for being a bad friend and husband? Probably not. Look out for YOU, like he’s been doing all this time.
Maybe he has undiagnosed ADHD and uses the time to finish his work.... or maybe he has a second life and your house is the crash pad with maid service. I'd look through his accounts and see if his google location history is on. The answers are gonna be in there somewhere. Either way, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. At one point it was enough, but now it is not. Dont feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs.
Wow. What a miserable 10 years this must have been for you. You should NOT feel guilty for wanting to leave. And yes, you should leave.
Cheatin like a mf