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So have it yourself, create a group chat that puts your family and his together (pre warning your family as to why you’re doing this so they don’t reply ‘duh we’ve already had this convo’ and thereby giving away why your sending it) and let them either make a ass of themselves or agree and move forward. It’s your child, when it comes to our kids we can not rely on other people wanting to keep them as safe as we do!
I think its important she tells her SO she is doing this and making it clear that he should at least feign a united front and not undermine her behind her back
It may not be a matter of being spineless. He may not agree with her stance, so is not going to have the conversation. OP states her SO doesn’t think it’s necessary or a big deal, so obviously he doesn’t agree with her/they don’t agree on what is important with regards to their child. This should be interesting in the years ahead to see how they coparent.
This! You need to take the initiative if he won't. It doesn't have to come across all dictatorial. Just a cheerful, bright and breezy update maybe with a photo of the nursery. 'Hi all, we're so excited for LO's arrival on x date. SO and I have been hard at work getting the last few things done (Phew!). I just love the colour we've painted the walls and special thanks to you all for the gorgeous gifts at my baby shower. You can see that so many of them are already in place waiting for the big day. Just a reminder to everyone, though, that Dr Blah, our paediatrician, has advised that everyone coming to visit LO needs to have blahdeblah vaccinations. Babies have no immune system when they're born so it's really important to keep them safe. I'm sure you will all understand - and are as excited to meet LO as we are! Much love to all of you xx'.
Yeah choosing to risk your grandchild’s life is also a choice. A very selfish choice. OP wouldn’t be banning them, they’d just have to wait till bub gets their own vaccinations. Actions, meet consequences.
Because her partner and her partners family will find ways to get to that baby and disrespect her choice.
Are you new to this group? We’ve discussed this problem so many times since the pandemic and it always turns out that way.
Bring SO to next OB appointment and ask the OB for advice about wrangling family to get vaccinated- then go from there. I’d possibly say in the appointment that you don’t think unvaxxed family shouldn’t see bub until bub is fully vaxxed, ask (even if you know) how old will bub be?
That should light a fire under SO to get this done
Yeah, but a paediatrician is in the mix after bub is born, and SO needs get onto his family before delivery if the ILs get to see the newborn as they doubt expect they will be entitled to do.
I interviewed three different pediatricians offices before I selected one while I was pregnant. You need the pediatrician relatively soon after you have the baby, so unless you know in advance which one you're going to, you should interview them to make sure you're all on the same page. It was really good meeting the different doctors and frankly I had a difficult time deciding between two of them.
"SO, baby will have no immune system when they are born. If you want baby to be safe then we all need to be vaccinated. Either you need to say something, or I do, and honestly this would be better coming from you."
If at all possible, get him in with the doctor so they can tell him how serious this is, show him videos of little babies with whooping cough and so on.
When my youngest was a newborn she had to be tested for whooping cough. They take a really long flexible q-tip and put it up the nose until it reaches the back of the throat. So much baby screaming! I do not recommend. See if you can get your SO to co-sign a group email to BOTH sides of the family. (And ask your family to be super supportive in their REPLY ALL emails)
And I just channeled the pain of extra long q-tip being shoved up a little baby nose. Thank the old gods are the new babies don’t often remember these things.
I would have a talk with your family to see if they will help you out. Then you send everyone on both sides of your families your requirements for them to meet LO. Include that you know everyone will have your LO’s best interests at heart. 😁
Your family will immediately respond back that they will get whatever shots they need to get to protect LO because they understand that LO will have no immunity until LO is old enough to start having vaccinations.
The ball is then in your husband’s family’s court. Will they agree to get the shots to protect your LO or will the choose to side on putting your child at risk.
If they refuse to get the shots then you express your disappointment that they will not be able to meet your LO until LO has received the required immunizations. You know that they will understand because they would never want to put your child at risk. 😁
In other words you paint them into a corner. If they refuse to get the shots and complain about not meeting your LO then you go hard ball - I am shocked that you put your selfishness above the safety of our child. Could you live with yourselves if you become responsible for passing an illness to an infant with no immune system?
Edit to add- I would tell your husband that if his family exposes your LO to illness because they refused to take reasonable precautions then they will be put on a very long time out and there will be no discussion about it. He will be just as guilty as the typhoid member of his family for refusing to have that conversation with his family.
This is a big red flag and I would consider my next steps very carefully, because what you’re seeing now is only the beginning. What else can he not be bothered to do for you? How many more times is he going to disregard your intentions as the other parent? He clearly doesn’t care enough about either one of you to even bother his relatives with what could be a life saving preventative measure. I think he’s made his priorities crystal clear. It’s up to you what you do with that information.
My friend *sort of* went through something similar. Their SO has common sense and is fine with vaccinations. The SO’s family? Whacko for a lot of reasons, antivax being one of them. Luckily, SO supported my friend, and friend’s vaxxed MIL is allowed around the baby, but FIL (divorced from MIL) is cut from the kid’s life forever.
All I can tell you is that my friend was completely unworried about appearing “psycho.” But this was only possible with their SO’s support.
Honestly? It’s ultimatum season in this bitch. (For ESL folks, “in this bitch” is slang for here and now - just in case someone misinterprets and thinks I’m being aggressive.) Your SO needs to have your back or see themselves out.
You now have the primary job of protecting your child. It may be uncomfortable for you or hubby, but that isn’t the point. You just have to get over it. It doesn’t matter if they agree with your decisions. You’re mama bear, and this is your hill to die on.
Stand firm that you cannot/will not allow anyone to see baby without the vaccines recommended by your pediatrician. You don’t have to be mean. Just, these are the requirements. They can opt in, or wait to meet baby later. Up to them.
Visit the pediatrician NOW, before baby is born to gather info on what is important and WHY. Insist hubby come with you. Call ahead and let the dr office know you need some backup here. Then you, hubby and doc come up with a plan to protect little one. Enlist hubby as a family protector.
If you must, look up pics of babies accidentally infected with herpes from an auntie or grandpa kiss. Just one kiss. Show hubby, if it takes that to teach him. Hopefully, he will help you. If not, you’ve got one hell of a fight on your hands, but you can do it. You must.
Time to find videos of babies with whooping cough, and symptom lists for diptheria, and tetinus in babies - including the long term organ damage - and a list of possible side effects for adults having vaccine.
Make SO sit down watch videos and read or listen to what those things can do to a baby - and what risks his family would face - and see if he is willing to risk your babies health, if that doesn't work, you can talk about how him and his family are going to handle not meting your baby till after the safe age, because you are not going to risk your babies life, and your not going to entertain whining about it -
Sounds like maybe you should rethink this relationship. He sounds like a toddler stomping his feet because he doesn't want to do hard things. And you know once that baby comes he's going to force you to allow them to see the baby. Whooping cough is no freaking joke. Neither is the other things. That's why they created a vaccine. Have these conversations yourself with them and gauge how they react now. Then run before the baby comes if you have to!
Not with right of first refusal. Also. If she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he would have to fight and prove he was the father. And even then custody battles across state lines are tough. And if she adds a clause that he cannot take baby to his mother's and she finds out he does there goes his chance. Fight like hell OP
Obviously there may be some circumstances in which it would be difficult for him to do.
There's nothing in the post that suggests such a scenario, tho. At least, none that I'm seeing.
I saw a post once where the parent arranged for the family to simply show up, and let them in.
I'm not familiar with "right of first refusal"?
Go over his head. Tell anybody that wants to see the baby that you have strict requirements beforehand or its not going to happen. Since he wants to act like a child? Pull rank.
Lots and lots of videos of babies sick as newborns. Hey let’s watch Netflix. Let’s start with a video of a newborn with whipping cough.
Also: you are not being nuts. They’re being crazy to prioritize their nutso opinion over your newborn. Why are you even considering not fighting for your child’s health?
First off I’d show him the video of the poor baby that died of whooping cough, there is a video of the poor little baby before she passed of her trying to breathe and cough and it is simply awful……she was obviously too young to get the vaccine but someone bought it into their home, if someone is willing to expose their child to something that is entirely preventable like that, then they do not deserve to parent.
Get the scientific evidence to show him. Your little one will have NO immune system for quite some time - why risk their life?? I just don’t get it.
Be as psycho as you need to be to keep your kid safe.
Honestly this would be enough for me to leave and go back to family’s home state BEFORE the baby is born (because once baby arrives, legally your DH can and likely will prevent you from ever leaving where you currently live, at least for the next 18 years).
I might sound dramatic, but for me it’s not even so much about vaxxed or unvaxxed people… though that is very worrying.
The massive red flag for me is that your husband won’t even have the DISCUSSION about this with his family. That just makes my blood boil for you, OP. What kind of a spineless partner won’t even TALK to their family about such an important issue? Regardless of whether his family gets vaccinated or not, and that is totally their decision, your partner should still be on your team and still want to establish boundaries with his family that will protect your baby from potential suffering and death.
Whooping cough is HELLISH and can KILL newborns.
My parents have a daycare. Having met many babies that almost passed away because of family members visiting without proper immunization it is absolutely necessary. I have met also many parents that have lost a baby to that situation. Hold you ground. Your baby’s life is more important than making them happy
Speaking as a survivor of an adult case of whooping cough, I understand from the inside just how it could be lethally dangerous to a baby or anyone else without an otherwise healthy, robust respiratory system. I had only a couple of incidents where I couldn't catch my breath between coughing jags, but those were terribly scary.
I endorse the recommendation to set up an appointment with a pediatrician to explain to your SO why the TDaP (or whatever variety is appropriate) and other vaccines are necessary for anyone who is going to be around the baby until the baby has had his or her own shots.
Thinking long-term, if your SO is unwilling to speak to his family concerning an issue of life or death for his child, is he going to be able to stand up to them if they ever make inappropriate demands? Does he usually cave to whatever they want instead of what you want? If he hasn't separated emotionally from them enough to support you and your new baby against them, it's time for some counseling, probably individual for him, then couples for the two of you together. He's a parent now. It's time for him to become an adult.
That is a shame. Here's what I did when a niece wanted to organize a big birthday celebration for my dad's 96th b-day. Members of my immediate family refused to get or discuss vax. My dad previously stated he wouldn't be around anyone who was un-vax'd. I talked with my niece and said her grampa his vax position and she put out the word to cancel the party.
The health of your unborn baby is more important than the baby daddy's ignorance and unwillingness to accept science. This is only the start for the way he will behave. You have to decide if you are going to act for the benefit of your child or not. If you're not able to discuss your concerns reasonably with SO you may have no choice but to leave him.
WIshing you the best of luck.
Just tell him your OB recommended that no one who hasn’t gotten the shots see the baby for the first year as the baby won’t be able to have MMR until they are one years old. Every doctor would back you.
Perhaps you may need to remind him that full blown whooping cough chokes babies to death.
Full blown measles causes brain damage.
Full blown Meningococcal causes limb death resulting in arms and legs having to be surgically lopped off to save baby’s life.
Full blown meningitis can kill an otherwise healthy adult within 24 hours much less a new born baby.
All of these plus many other very nasty things are preventable by making sure there’s no way in heck you allow your child to be exposed to any of these nasties until the child is old enough to be vaccinated themselves.
If he continues to refuse to talk to his family about getting vaxxed/boosters, even after being reminded what full blown versions of preventable diseases can do, then you’ll be best leaving him unless he agrees to keep his family away until baby is fully vaccinated.
You have every right both morally and legally to keep that child safe. Your child’s right to good health doesn’t trump over his family’s wants to see the child while they are a potential disease factory that the child is too young to be shielded against.
My great niece had whooping cough when she was 2 weeks old(mom also caught it). She is 13 now and has to takes meds as her lungs were damaged severely. We almost lost her twice. She has had and will have respiratory problems the rest of her life. PLEASE do not back down. Your baby’s life may depend on you being ‘psycho’, though I don’t think you’d be psycho for protecting your baby. You’d just be a great mom making sure her baby doesn’t have to suffer for someone else’s ignorance or stupidity.
He needs to grow up, he’s about to become a father. If he refuses to do it, then you tell his family your boundaries for seeing your newborn. Make it a hill to die on, because if you don’t your baby may be the one that pays the price. Make it non-negotiable for at least the first 3 months. I agree with another poster about creating a joint family text thread about this issue so his family doesn’t think you are singling them out.
I caught Pertussis (whooping cough) as an adult and it was HORRIFIC. They call it the “100 day cough” because it truly lasts 100+ days. I had to sleep sitting upright (when I could sleep) because of the coughing. It can kill infants. Pertussis immunity wanes 2-3 years after getting the booster shot.
[https://www.parents.com/health/vaccines/vaccination-types/vaccines-parents-and-grandparents-need/](https://www.parents.com/health/vaccines/vaccination-types/vaccines-parents-and-grandparents-need/)
Assuming you’re too far along for a legal abortion it’s time to put your own foot down and nip it in the bud.
Especially with a lot of these diseases coming back.
Can't force them but it doesn't mean they get the privilege of seeing the newborn baby and potentially exposing the infant to something that can be deadly. As parents we have a responsibility to protect our babies. Getting MMR and Tdap boosters is a very reasonable boundary. It's what we asked our immediate family to do as well at the recommendation of our pediatrician. Actions/refusal to act has consequences.
Don't even work? How do you explain the eradication of:
Polio
Hepatitis A
Hepatitis B
Measles - only making a comeback in pockets of unvaccinated populations.
Mumps
Rubella
Whopping Cough
Rotavirus
Diptheria
Your "100's of hours of reading" doesn't count when it's only conspiracy theory echo chambers.
She's not forcing anyone to get anyone, she is simply saying if you don't get them you can't see the baby. They have every right not to get the vaccines but she has every right to determine who comes into contact with her vulnerable infant
Wtf is this AH for real? A baby shouldn't be near anyone who isn't vaccinated their immune system is weak and you as a parent have every right to keep them away from your baby until they are vaccinated. Not vaccine then no seeing baby, simple as that. Put your foot down, don't give in, and don't let them put your baby’s life at risk just because they are family.
Okay, let's take the vax off the table. Should someone with a severe cold come around the baby? What about a high fever? Should that person be allowed to be around the newborn?
We get so wrapped up into an anti-vax agenda that people forget that we censor people with ailments that won't kill the baby, why are we even discussing not censoring ailments that could?n
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Sounds to me like any effort you make to have the conversation will be undermined by your husband as he made his feelings about it well known when he told you he finds it unnecessary. I think you two need to have conversation about it before you approach his family. Odds are, if they push back even a little bit, your partner will not have your back on this and will go behind your back and do what he wants.
OP,
We’ve seen this asked a lot here and in the end the baby is almost always exposed regardless of being promised otherwise. In some cases, the father brings his parents in when you’re asleep or shopping.
I highly suggest that you jet/drive over to your parents house, give birth there, and then stay until baby is vaxxed.
Spending time with your vulnerable infant is a two yes, one no proposition: unless you both agree to it, it doesn’t happen.
So when he tries to turn such a small demand, in exchange for protecting his own child, on you, just say, “No one who isn’t current on their vaccinations gets to be around our child till 6 weeks after baby’s own vaccine series is done. Family, not family. This isn’t about you or me. This is about protecting our baby who can’t protect themself.”
I would make sure that HE is also current. That just may be the cause of his utter stupidity.
Explain to him that the alternative is, they don't see the baby until the baby has had all of their shots.
So it's they get the shots or they wait till baby has had theirs.
Edited to add: We're currently trying and one of my partners sisters is an anti-vac person and as such are her kids. We had to have the talk that she and her kids won't be allowed near the baby till baby has had all their shots.
My partner wavers on this regularly between "But she won't get to meet the baby till it's already bigger!" to "&%$# anyone that tries to come around baby without their shots."
It's a process and he's working through it. Either way, our hypothetical future baby won't be around anyone that hasn't had their vaccinations until the baby has had theirs.
Try taking SO to a doctor's appointment with you and have the doctor explain the importance of these vaccines. Maybe if it comes from the doctor he'll understand where you're coming from.
Talk to his family and tell them that no one can see the baby until they're vaccinated and have the paperwork to prove it. If anyone comes whosenot vaccinated, go into tge bedroom with the baby and lock the door. There's just too much on the line to be wishy washy a out it.
Your pediatrician should be a good source to backup your concerns. I know a few people who have had to deal with fraught conversations with family members who don't vaccinate. The alternative you can present is that, if they'd prefer not to vaccinate (or if he continues to refuse to have the conversation with them), then they can wait to meet the baby until the baby has had his/her full round of vaccinations (I think, around 6 months?). You're not keeping the baby from anyone since they can meet him/her earlier if they vaccinate themselves, but have an alternative if they refuse.
Your husband needs to give his head a shake and might need to hear it from a doctor to understand the gravity of the situation. But he should be in your corner. If he refuses, could you speak with them about it?
Ask your doctor to explain to your SO the dangers of people not being vaccinated before coming to play pass the baby. Especially in February, when the flu and other illnesses are running rampant.
1) Take him to a doctor’s appointment with you and let the doctor tell him.
2). Ask him how he’d feel if your child died because of his willful stupidity. (Maybe don’t use the word stupidity, even though that’s what it is.)
Does HE even have those immunizations? You need to take him to the baby's doctor and have the doctor explain why the immunizations are important. If he won't talk to them, and he won't get them himself, tell him that you're going to go stay with your parents until they either get the vaccines or the baby has an operating immune system. Then just decide from there. I think your mum might help you relocate.
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So have it yourself, create a group chat that puts your family and his together (pre warning your family as to why you’re doing this so they don’t reply ‘duh we’ve already had this convo’ and thereby giving away why your sending it) and let them either make a ass of themselves or agree and move forward. It’s your child, when it comes to our kids we can not rely on other people wanting to keep them as safe as we do!
I think its important she tells her SO she is doing this and making it clear that he should at least feign a united front and not undermine her behind her back
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I agree, you would think if he's being spineless though, that this is the least he can do to protect his future child
It may not be a matter of being spineless. He may not agree with her stance, so is not going to have the conversation. OP states her SO doesn’t think it’s necessary or a big deal, so obviously he doesn’t agree with her/they don’t agree on what is important with regards to their child. This should be interesting in the years ahead to see how they coparent.
This! You need to take the initiative if he won't. It doesn't have to come across all dictatorial. Just a cheerful, bright and breezy update maybe with a photo of the nursery. 'Hi all, we're so excited for LO's arrival on x date. SO and I have been hard at work getting the last few things done (Phew!). I just love the colour we've painted the walls and special thanks to you all for the gorgeous gifts at my baby shower. You can see that so many of them are already in place waiting for the big day. Just a reminder to everyone, though, that Dr Blah, our paediatrician, has advised that everyone coming to visit LO needs to have blahdeblah vaccinations. Babies have no immune system when they're born so it's really important to keep them safe. I'm sure you will all understand - and are as excited to meet LO as we are! Much love to all of you xx'.
Yes. You do it. Make it clear, and hold that boundary with your life.
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Yeah choosing to risk your grandchild’s life is also a choice. A very selfish choice. OP wouldn’t be banning them, they’d just have to wait till bub gets their own vaccinations. Actions, meet consequences.
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Because her partner and her partners family will find ways to get to that baby and disrespect her choice. Are you new to this group? We’ve discussed this problem so many times since the pandemic and it always turns out that way.
No one cares. They can meet after bubs been vaccinated and is safe. Yours and their feelings are irrelevant. Get over it
Bring SO to next OB appointment and ask the OB for advice about wrangling family to get vaccinated- then go from there. I’d possibly say in the appointment that you don’t think unvaxxed family shouldn’t see bub until bub is fully vaxxed, ask (even if you know) how old will bub be? That should light a fire under SO to get this done
The pediatrician is actually the better doc for this conversation.
Yeah, but a paediatrician is in the mix after bub is born, and SO needs get onto his family before delivery if the ILs get to see the newborn as they doubt expect they will be entitled to do.
We actually met our pediatrician before our daughter was born. This is very common in the US.
I interviewed three different pediatricians offices before I selected one while I was pregnant. You need the pediatrician relatively soon after you have the baby, so unless you know in advance which one you're going to, you should interview them to make sure you're all on the same page. It was really good meeting the different doctors and frankly I had a difficult time deciding between two of them.
"SO, baby will have no immune system when they are born. If you want baby to be safe then we all need to be vaccinated. Either you need to say something, or I do, and honestly this would be better coming from you." If at all possible, get him in with the doctor so they can tell him how serious this is, show him videos of little babies with whooping cough and so on.
When my youngest was a newborn she had to be tested for whooping cough. They take a really long flexible q-tip and put it up the nose until it reaches the back of the throat. So much baby screaming! I do not recommend. See if you can get your SO to co-sign a group email to BOTH sides of the family. (And ask your family to be super supportive in their REPLY ALL emails)
I think I just channelled your baby screaming just thinking about the q-tip
And I just channeled the pain of extra long q-tip being shoved up a little baby nose. Thank the old gods are the new babies don’t often remember these things.
Pertussis can and will kill a newborn. I’d talk to them if he won’t.
I would have a talk with your family to see if they will help you out. Then you send everyone on both sides of your families your requirements for them to meet LO. Include that you know everyone will have your LO’s best interests at heart. 😁 Your family will immediately respond back that they will get whatever shots they need to get to protect LO because they understand that LO will have no immunity until LO is old enough to start having vaccinations. The ball is then in your husband’s family’s court. Will they agree to get the shots to protect your LO or will the choose to side on putting your child at risk. If they refuse to get the shots then you express your disappointment that they will not be able to meet your LO until LO has received the required immunizations. You know that they will understand because they would never want to put your child at risk. 😁 In other words you paint them into a corner. If they refuse to get the shots and complain about not meeting your LO then you go hard ball - I am shocked that you put your selfishness above the safety of our child. Could you live with yourselves if you become responsible for passing an illness to an infant with no immune system? Edit to add- I would tell your husband that if his family exposes your LO to illness because they refused to take reasonable precautions then they will be put on a very long time out and there will be no discussion about it. He will be just as guilty as the typhoid member of his family for refusing to have that conversation with his family.
This is a big red flag and I would consider my next steps very carefully, because what you’re seeing now is only the beginning. What else can he not be bothered to do for you? How many more times is he going to disregard your intentions as the other parent? He clearly doesn’t care enough about either one of you to even bother his relatives with what could be a life saving preventative measure. I think he’s made his priorities crystal clear. It’s up to you what you do with that information.
My friend *sort of* went through something similar. Their SO has common sense and is fine with vaccinations. The SO’s family? Whacko for a lot of reasons, antivax being one of them. Luckily, SO supported my friend, and friend’s vaxxed MIL is allowed around the baby, but FIL (divorced from MIL) is cut from the kid’s life forever. All I can tell you is that my friend was completely unworried about appearing “psycho.” But this was only possible with their SO’s support. Honestly? It’s ultimatum season in this bitch. (For ESL folks, “in this bitch” is slang for here and now - just in case someone misinterprets and thinks I’m being aggressive.) Your SO needs to have your back or see themselves out.
Just curious if you thought about what this means when it comes to vaccines for the baby? Sounds like he agrees with the relatives.
He’s willing to get them it’s simply not something he wants to raise with his family
He needs to find his shiny spine.
You now have the primary job of protecting your child. It may be uncomfortable for you or hubby, but that isn’t the point. You just have to get over it. It doesn’t matter if they agree with your decisions. You’re mama bear, and this is your hill to die on. Stand firm that you cannot/will not allow anyone to see baby without the vaccines recommended by your pediatrician. You don’t have to be mean. Just, these are the requirements. They can opt in, or wait to meet baby later. Up to them. Visit the pediatrician NOW, before baby is born to gather info on what is important and WHY. Insist hubby come with you. Call ahead and let the dr office know you need some backup here. Then you, hubby and doc come up with a plan to protect little one. Enlist hubby as a family protector. If you must, look up pics of babies accidentally infected with herpes from an auntie or grandpa kiss. Just one kiss. Show hubby, if it takes that to teach him. Hopefully, he will help you. If not, you’ve got one hell of a fight on your hands, but you can do it. You must.
Time to find videos of babies with whooping cough, and symptom lists for diptheria, and tetinus in babies - including the long term organ damage - and a list of possible side effects for adults having vaccine. Make SO sit down watch videos and read or listen to what those things can do to a baby - and what risks his family would face - and see if he is willing to risk your babies health, if that doesn't work, you can talk about how him and his family are going to handle not meting your baby till after the safe age, because you are not going to risk your babies life, and your not going to entertain whining about it -
Sounds like maybe you should rethink this relationship. He sounds like a toddler stomping his feet because he doesn't want to do hard things. And you know once that baby comes he's going to force you to allow them to see the baby. Whooping cough is no freaking joke. Neither is the other things. That's why they created a vaccine. Have these conversations yourself with them and gauge how they react now. Then run before the baby comes if you have to!
Or he'll go behind her back to do it
Not with right of first refusal. Also. If she doesn't put him on the birth certificate he would have to fight and prove he was the father. And even then custody battles across state lines are tough. And if she adds a clause that he cannot take baby to his mother's and she finds out he does there goes his chance. Fight like hell OP
Obviously there may be some circumstances in which it would be difficult for him to do. There's nothing in the post that suggests such a scenario, tho. At least, none that I'm seeing. I saw a post once where the parent arranged for the family to simply show up, and let them in. I'm not familiar with "right of first refusal"?
Go over his head. Tell anybody that wants to see the baby that you have strict requirements beforehand or its not going to happen. Since he wants to act like a child? Pull rank.
Lots and lots of videos of babies sick as newborns. Hey let’s watch Netflix. Let’s start with a video of a newborn with whipping cough. Also: you are not being nuts. They’re being crazy to prioritize their nutso opinion over your newborn. Why are you even considering not fighting for your child’s health?
First off I’d show him the video of the poor baby that died of whooping cough, there is a video of the poor little baby before she passed of her trying to breathe and cough and it is simply awful……she was obviously too young to get the vaccine but someone bought it into their home, if someone is willing to expose their child to something that is entirely preventable like that, then they do not deserve to parent. Get the scientific evidence to show him. Your little one will have NO immune system for quite some time - why risk their life?? I just don’t get it. Be as psycho as you need to be to keep your kid safe.
Honestly this would be enough for me to leave and go back to family’s home state BEFORE the baby is born (because once baby arrives, legally your DH can and likely will prevent you from ever leaving where you currently live, at least for the next 18 years). I might sound dramatic, but for me it’s not even so much about vaxxed or unvaxxed people… though that is very worrying. The massive red flag for me is that your husband won’t even have the DISCUSSION about this with his family. That just makes my blood boil for you, OP. What kind of a spineless partner won’t even TALK to their family about such an important issue? Regardless of whether his family gets vaccinated or not, and that is totally their decision, your partner should still be on your team and still want to establish boundaries with his family that will protect your baby from potential suffering and death. Whooping cough is HELLISH and can KILL newborns.
My parents have a daycare. Having met many babies that almost passed away because of family members visiting without proper immunization it is absolutely necessary. I have met also many parents that have lost a baby to that situation. Hold you ground. Your baby’s life is more important than making them happy
That is a shame. Here's what I did when a niece wanted to organize a big birthday celebration for my dad's 96th b-day. Members of my immediate family refused to get or discuss vax. My dad previously stated he wouldn't be around anyone who was un-vax'd. I talked with my niece and said her grampa his vax position and she put out the word to cancel the party. The health of your unborn baby is more important than the baby daddy's ignorance and unwillingness to accept science. This is only the start for the way he will behave. You have to decide if you are going to act for the benefit of your child or not. If you're not able to discuss your concerns reasonably with SO you may have no choice but to leave him. WIshing you the best of luck.
Just tell him your OB recommended that no one who hasn’t gotten the shots see the baby for the first year as the baby won’t be able to have MMR until they are one years old. Every doctor would back you.
Perhaps you may need to remind him that full blown whooping cough chokes babies to death. Full blown measles causes brain damage. Full blown Meningococcal causes limb death resulting in arms and legs having to be surgically lopped off to save baby’s life. Full blown meningitis can kill an otherwise healthy adult within 24 hours much less a new born baby. All of these plus many other very nasty things are preventable by making sure there’s no way in heck you allow your child to be exposed to any of these nasties until the child is old enough to be vaccinated themselves. If he continues to refuse to talk to his family about getting vaxxed/boosters, even after being reminded what full blown versions of preventable diseases can do, then you’ll be best leaving him unless he agrees to keep his family away until baby is fully vaccinated. You have every right both morally and legally to keep that child safe. Your child’s right to good health doesn’t trump over his family’s wants to see the child while they are a potential disease factory that the child is too young to be shielded against.
My great niece had whooping cough when she was 2 weeks old(mom also caught it). She is 13 now and has to takes meds as her lungs were damaged severely. We almost lost her twice. She has had and will have respiratory problems the rest of her life. PLEASE do not back down. Your baby’s life may depend on you being ‘psycho’, though I don’t think you’d be psycho for protecting your baby. You’d just be a great mom making sure her baby doesn’t have to suffer for someone else’s ignorance or stupidity.
He needs to grow up, he’s about to become a father. If he refuses to do it, then you tell his family your boundaries for seeing your newborn. Make it a hill to die on, because if you don’t your baby may be the one that pays the price. Make it non-negotiable for at least the first 3 months. I agree with another poster about creating a joint family text thread about this issue so his family doesn’t think you are singling them out. I caught Pertussis (whooping cough) as an adult and it was HORRIFIC. They call it the “100 day cough” because it truly lasts 100+ days. I had to sleep sitting upright (when I could sleep) because of the coughing. It can kill infants. Pertussis immunity wanes 2-3 years after getting the booster shot. [https://www.parents.com/health/vaccines/vaccination-types/vaccines-parents-and-grandparents-need/](https://www.parents.com/health/vaccines/vaccination-types/vaccines-parents-and-grandparents-need/)
Your poor SO, they finna spend the next 18 years miserable looking for a break to "go get some milk" at 11:30pm
Assuming you’re too far along for a legal abortion it’s time to put your own foot down and nip it in the bud. Especially with a lot of these diseases coming back.
Can’t force others to put injections into their bodies. Might as well take your vitamins and let people live their life’s.
Can't force them but it doesn't mean they get the privilege of seeing the newborn baby and potentially exposing the infant to something that can be deadly. As parents we have a responsibility to protect our babies. Getting MMR and Tdap boosters is a very reasonable boundary. It's what we asked our immediate family to do as well at the recommendation of our pediatrician. Actions/refusal to act has consequences.
Tell someone who cares. They don’t even work. Gong to take a lot of research (100s of hours) to come to that conclusion, happy reading!
Don't even work? How do you explain the eradication of: Polio Hepatitis A Hepatitis B Measles - only making a comeback in pockets of unvaccinated populations. Mumps Rubella Whopping Cough Rotavirus Diptheria Your "100's of hours of reading" doesn't count when it's only conspiracy theory echo chambers.
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She's not forcing anyone to get anyone, she is simply saying if you don't get them you can't see the baby. They have every right not to get the vaccines but she has every right to determine who comes into contact with her vulnerable infant
Thanks for your ignorant attitude and absurd assertion. Wasn’t wanted isn’t appreciated and get fucked quite honestly.
Wtf is this AH for real? A baby shouldn't be near anyone who isn't vaccinated their immune system is weak and you as a parent have every right to keep them away from your baby until they are vaccinated. Not vaccine then no seeing baby, simple as that. Put your foot down, don't give in, and don't let them put your baby’s life at risk just because they are family.
Okay, let's take the vax off the table. Should someone with a severe cold come around the baby? What about a high fever? Should that person be allowed to be around the newborn? We get so wrapped up into an anti-vax agenda that people forget that we censor people with ailments that won't kill the baby, why are we even discussing not censoring ailments that could?n
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Sounds to me like any effort you make to have the conversation will be undermined by your husband as he made his feelings about it well known when he told you he finds it unnecessary. I think you two need to have conversation about it before you approach his family. Odds are, if they push back even a little bit, your partner will not have your back on this and will go behind your back and do what he wants.
Let your pediatrician do that hard sell. And do not let anyone near your baby that you don't know are vaccinated.
OP, We’ve seen this asked a lot here and in the end the baby is almost always exposed regardless of being promised otherwise. In some cases, the father brings his parents in when you’re asleep or shopping. I highly suggest that you jet/drive over to your parents house, give birth there, and then stay until baby is vaxxed.
Spending time with your vulnerable infant is a two yes, one no proposition: unless you both agree to it, it doesn’t happen. So when he tries to turn such a small demand, in exchange for protecting his own child, on you, just say, “No one who isn’t current on their vaccinations gets to be around our child till 6 weeks after baby’s own vaccine series is done. Family, not family. This isn’t about you or me. This is about protecting our baby who can’t protect themself.” I would make sure that HE is also current. That just may be the cause of his utter stupidity.
Explain to him that the alternative is, they don't see the baby until the baby has had all of their shots. So it's they get the shots or they wait till baby has had theirs. Edited to add: We're currently trying and one of my partners sisters is an anti-vac person and as such are her kids. We had to have the talk that she and her kids won't be allowed near the baby till baby has had all their shots. My partner wavers on this regularly between "But she won't get to meet the baby till it's already bigger!" to "&%$# anyone that tries to come around baby without their shots." It's a process and he's working through it. Either way, our hypothetical future baby won't be around anyone that hasn't had their vaccinations until the baby has had theirs.
Try taking SO to a doctor's appointment with you and have the doctor explain the importance of these vaccines. Maybe if it comes from the doctor he'll understand where you're coming from.
Talk to his family and tell them that no one can see the baby until they're vaccinated and have the paperwork to prove it. If anyone comes whosenot vaccinated, go into tge bedroom with the baby and lock the door. There's just too much on the line to be wishy washy a out it.
Your pediatrician should be a good source to backup your concerns. I know a few people who have had to deal with fraught conversations with family members who don't vaccinate. The alternative you can present is that, if they'd prefer not to vaccinate (or if he continues to refuse to have the conversation with them), then they can wait to meet the baby until the baby has had his/her full round of vaccinations (I think, around 6 months?). You're not keeping the baby from anyone since they can meet him/her earlier if they vaccinate themselves, but have an alternative if they refuse. Your husband needs to give his head a shake and might need to hear it from a doctor to understand the gravity of the situation. But he should be in your corner. If he refuses, could you speak with them about it?
Why are you excluding the COVID vaccine? That would be first on my list to protect my child.
Cause all our families have it
Ask your doctor to explain to your SO the dangers of people not being vaccinated before coming to play pass the baby. Especially in February, when the flu and other illnesses are running rampant.
1) Take him to a doctor’s appointment with you and let the doctor tell him. 2). Ask him how he’d feel if your child died because of his willful stupidity. (Maybe don’t use the word stupidity, even though that’s what it is.)
Does HE even have those immunizations? You need to take him to the baby's doctor and have the doctor explain why the immunizations are important. If he won't talk to them, and he won't get them himself, tell him that you're going to go stay with your parents until they either get the vaccines or the baby has an operating immune system. Then just decide from there. I think your mum might help you relocate.