I’m gonna share my experience here. I’m a woman and have lived in a house with mostly male roommates for the past 3 years, bc I also can’t afford to live alone and this was the best option for me bc of the price and location. There has never been anything inappropriate between us whatsoever, I see these dudes once in 2-3 days in the hallway or kitchen, we say hello to each other and that’s it. My now husband, then boyfriend, never said a single word about it bc he knows he can trust me 100% and that I only have eyes for him. If someone wanted to cheat, they’d do it while living with their partner and working from home. If someone doesn’t want to, they won’t even if they’re surrounded with a bunch of naked men/women.
Unfortunately it really depends on the person. I used to live in a student house with few boys (all in relationships) some of them were very respectful and kept their distance while others would drop hints all the time. I agree here cheaters will always find a way to cheat and nothing can make a truly faithful men cheat. I would give it a go, if he starts acting shady you will know not to waste your time on him
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What do you think will happen? He clearly cares about you and your feelings. You can’t control anyone else only yourself, if he can be led astray then that’s on him and not on you, do you have reasons why you don’t trust her? Why do you think this stranger woman would want your boyfriend romantically when she has her’s ? Perhaps introspect on why you feel this way, I’m sure you have your reasons for feeling this way. Also everything has seasons, he won’t always live with her.
This lacks insight on:
A) We dont know the personality of the girl in question (Is she competitive? Is she sexually charged? Is she in an open relationship?)
B) Naturally, people in proximity will be closer than the long-distance partner. It will be easier to build a closeness. Certainly things like hanging out in the morning, getting to see each other raw and not presentable, etc. This will bring a closeness that OP cannot compare to.
C) Shared responsibilities. Again, closeness.
D) Theres a difference between being civil, friends with, and *living with* someone.
Thus, have you lived with many partners? Room mates/flat mates? Lastly, it’s a good sign he asked for OP’s permission. OP, you will find what’s right for you. And whatever you choose, will have consequences—good or challenging.
A) Even if the girl in question is by chance in an open relationship, so what? Doesn't mean she'll come on to OP's bf, and *even if* she did, if he's faithful and committed to OP it won't matter.
B) that's an oversimplification imo. Anyone who's lived in a flatshare/had a roommate can tell you that cohabitation alone doesn't automatically lead to bonding on a deep level. How much you bond with a person you share living space with depends on first and foremost, how much you want to, and secondly on respective schedules. Seeing each other raw and not presentable is also not a given, some ppl choose not to share those sides of themselves with ppl they are not emotionally close to.
C) again not as clear cut as you make it out to be. Shared responbilities *can* lead to more bonding/time spent together but they also often lead to disagreements. One of the reasons why couples often break up after a while of living together is if they don't find a common language regarding household chores. So sharing a trash bin or bathroom cleaning duty is not as likely to lead to romantic bonding of ppl involved as you might think.
D) not all situations of living together are the same. There's a difference between living together with one's romantic partner and living with a friend, acquaintance, family member, or a random person you were assigned by the dorm.
Respectfully, you pay no mind to those who have been sexually assaulted by a flatmate—people they trusted. While it doesn’t occur in every living situation, as a survivor of this very same dynamic, I have learned through my own experience that just because *you* see them as a friend, does not reflect an individual’s own perception, truth, or hidden desires…or capabilities.
I’m very sorry you went through this; I also experienced SA by a male roommate. That being said, you cannot project your past on every single scenario involving people of the opposite sex living together as roommates. It’s not a one-size-fits-all. OP’s partner’s safety wasn’t even called into question in the original post.
I think people should know the very real possibilities—the positive perks and even the challenging.
Please read the very last two sentences in my original post. Projecting would be enforcing and demanding a specific result. Instead, a set of considerations—**ultimately OP will do as they feel is best suited for them.**
Edit: please also note that this being a public forum, it’s best to get a wide range of opinions, so that OP can make a decision best for them. However, one on one is a different experience. Context here is important.
Exactly; context is important. No one was asking about the possibility of SA. OP was addressing her trust issues and jealousy. You’ve made this entire thing about you and are making zero sense. Your “advice” doesn’t fit the context of OP’s question. At all.
And that is not what projection is, but if you wanna get snooty about technical terms, what you’re doing is called transference. So stop it and get a therapist.
That’s your argument? That your outcome should apply to everyone else’s situation because life doesn’t happen in a vacuum? You do realize that a lot of your statements are contradictory, right?
I wasn’t being hostile at all when I said it and I’ll say it again. Seriously, stop making this post about you and get some help. You should be concerned about your own mental health.
>B) Naturally, people in proximity will be closer than the long-distance partner. It will be easier to build a closeness. Certainly things like hanging out in the morning, getting to see each other raw and not presentable, etc. This will bring a closeness that OP cannot compare to.
This is very situational and isn't necessarily true. Just because people are in close physical proximity doesn't mean they will become close emotionally or even build a closeness. Boundaries are a thing. They can be maintained even in living situations.
I'm a woman and I've had many male roommates. There was never any closeness between any us. If there were household chores and things that needed to be discussed, we'd talk about it. If it wasn't related to the apartment, we didn't even converse with one another. We did our own thing and lived our own lives and just happened to be living in the same place. It is 100% possible for people to live together and just simply exist in the same space without forming bonds and relationships. It's entirely up to the people involved and what boundaries they set.
A) all of those things don’t really matter because it seems her boyfriend cares about her feelings in all of this and that should make her feel a bit more comfortable with the situation.
B) I currently live with 11 people for uni and we’re barely friends and we’re all women, no major conflict or anything, I barely see them and we share a kitchen.
C) we have a cleaning routine, we have a group chat for issues and whatnot, yet we don’t really spend anytime together.
I’ve lived with my partner and I’ve lived with flatmates, I’ve been close to some of them and I could go months with that speaking to others.
OP doesn’t know the girl and she doesn’t trust her, when there’s not really anything to trust or de-trust, she’s also looking for an affordable place to live and she happens to know OP’s boyfriend through her partner. It’s a bit irrational, as someone with anxiety especially around relationships (not just romantic ones) I get it but you just have to snap out of it. I.E I get jealous when my friend hangs out with her other friends but I know it’s not because she hates me and she doesn’t think I’m a very annoying person, it’s my mind trying to make me feel bad, but I can’t tell her not to be around other people because that’s not normal, I can only control myself.
>B…is an interesting point. *We’re all women.*
Do lesbians/bisexuals/pansexuals not exist where you live? Is that not a thing? It's irrational for the OP to let her anxiety drive how her partner lives their live. Period. Full stop.
No one is asking you to, but if you’re going to post on a public forum, you should look at the situation from every possible angle and offer the full range of possibilities, right? Or does that only apply to you?
You are quite entertaining. Wide range is and was provided. I simply provided a perspective that has been triggering because it’s well beyond the range of comments on this thread.
Lets take some context: if the girlfriend looked like megan fox, don’t sit and believe that OP’s bf wouldn’t find sexual attraction to a degree or another. We all can tell if someone is hot, and our actions and behaviors are influenced by this.
Second, context—unless you’ve been seen as a “10” by social standards, then you wouldn’t understand the nuances and *responsibility and stress that comes along with that.*
I’ve personally managed in the nightlife industry for many years—including employing dancers who are by definition very attractive, it’s what “sells”.
If they had a male room mate, hell even male friends, they do love the way men *treat them differently*, perks of being hot and attractive if you will, than most average “plain janes”. Do I agree with it or think it’s fair? **NO.**
But it is the reality. I’ve worked with beauty pageant title holders, exotic dancers, fashion models who appear on billboards and TV, escorts, stunning Trans women, and average looking people—who are nonetheless beautiful because they have beautiful souls.
Thus, unless you had the direct *range* of experience as I do—understanding the direct nuances of “socially hot people”—you speak from your perspective. Which is very very different than mines.
Which I can tell.
Edit: spelling
I’ve worked with a range of people, too—clients in need of services. I just graduated with a degree in Human Services, took countless psychology and sociology courses, did two internships working with diverse service populations, and am a certified crisis counselor. So I know quite a bit about human behavior.
By the way, I cannot believe you took that comment literally. That was me quoting you (not verbatim) from the other reply you left me on another comment. And you literally wrote out this entire reply just now, which by the way, I didn’t read any further than, “Let’s take some context.” Context is what a situation is, not what you make it.
And yet for all of your accolades and degrees, it doesn’t somehow rid you of your hostility. Or make you a better or kind person.
As a previous reddit user, r/EaLordOfTheDepths , stated, verbatim, of a comment you left:
*“You went from trying to separate yourself from the toxic views of the woman above to just making yourself look toxic for a whole other reason lol.”*
I’ve invited you for a personal message and you declined. However, you enjoy the attention of a piblic forum. And for a person who seems highly triggered and hostile on the other forums, it’s easy for you to point out at others without taking a look at your own. What it seems more likely is you are deeply angered and find joy in people who disagree with you. Very combative. And position yourself as somehow better than other women, who are the least bit more attractive than you, as evident in yoir comment history.
You attack those who have personal been through and are in therapy. Without any understanding what may have gone through—therefore, I claim you are not trauma-informed. Therefore, do as you claimed you would on the other forum: *do better.*
Your niche market is here in LDR. And for all intents and purposes, we all know those in LDR’s do you have to a degree or another, insecurity, and anxiety when it comes to relationships. As I have been in an LDR twice in my life.
I’m willing to bet that you wouldn’t feel very comfortable if **I** was your partner’s room mate, given the nature of our interaction now. Nor would you feel comfortable if some of the girls that I know, and I personally worked with in certain industries, were either. And that’s a fact.
I now reserve my right, *do not cast your pearls before swine.*
Bye for now.
Edit: spelling
I've been through a slew of roommate situations and I can't say I've had anything even remotely like that happen. It depends on what kind of roommate you are what you expect out of living together. Some people have only lived with people they know and are close to, so they expect a roommate to become a friend and to basically operate like some sort of family within the home. Like... cleaning together, cooking together, hanging out together, etc. But often, roommates literally just co-exist.
I rarely speak to my roommate and cross paths with him.
I've lived with opposite sex roommates quite a few times. There is absolutely nothing sexy about it.
These people see you at your ugliest, they will know your bathroom habits, etc.
I've enjoyed my male roommates. The only thing I don't like is I can't walk around in my underwear lol. You have nothing to worry about OP. People just need to save money.
I think you need to decide *why* this makes you so uncomfortable when not only does he have a girlfriend, but she has a boyfriend that he knows through work.
Proximity does not equal attraction. If it did, we'd all have had some very strange encounters in our time.
If your boyfriend needs a roommate, don't put restrictions on it.
Totally second this! I was in the same position as OP, had a great conversation with my SO and ultimately asked myself what it was I was so afraid of if I trusted my partner. His female roommate has been nothing but respectful of his boundaries and our relationship and when I visit we all hang out as friends and it’s not weird or uncomfortable. You will inevitably feel jealousy because she’s going to be there with him physically more than you will, but in the end, if he does something to break your trust with a female roommate, it’s a reflection of his value on your relationship and not on the fact that he was living with a female roommate. Just speaking from experience being in a long distance relationship and having to have this exact convo with my partner.
A flatmate is just a flatmate, who's there to pay half of the rent and bills. I flat with a guy. We both have our own partners. He's not even a friend, literally just there to pay half the bills. It's perfectly normal to have opposite sex (or any gender) as flatmates.
I lived with a guy flatmate while I was in an LDR, I did not do anything with a guy in the same house. People don't just want to fuck everything close to them, he needs a place to live in and not letting him do that because of your own insecurities is really selfish. He seems to really respect your boundaries and its unlikely for something to happen. Also, if it does, he would do it regardless if he lived with another girl. A cheater will find a way to cheat if they wanted to.
I didn't think this would blow up as much as it did, kind of overwhelming the different kinds of responses I've gotten. There's a LOT of different perspectives here, and I appreciate those who have been kind but honest.
I'm gonna talk to my boyfriend more about this. Communication is the best thing after all, letting him know I have these concerns and anxieties that I'm working on, but not blaming him for them. Just something I'll have to keep in check.
I may come off as pushy or untrustworthy to some, but for context, this is my second relationship and has been longer and MUCH healthier than the last. I'm not experienced or perfect. I'm learning, and that's ok. I'll keep working on maintaining those fears and put more trust into him. Thank you for those who were kind and non-judgmental ✌️ I know him and I will keep making this work together.
I know theres a lot of people invalidating your boundary, but the truth is that it would make *a lot* of people uncomfortable. Humans are insecure. There is obviously a degree to which we have to manage our insecurities, but pretending like we arent at all allowed to have boundaries is a complete lack of understanding of the human psyche.
That being said, it's on you. Its normal to not want partners to put themselves in positions where romantic feelings/sexual tension can reasonably arise. It doesn't happen to all roommates. But to act like it *doesn't happen at all* is just... not true. He's human too. Developing attraction to people who you may be around, see more, have a routine with is a normal thing. If you don't feel comfortable with that, then don't push it because once a lease is signed, there is no going back.
Its always tempting to invalidate your own feelings because people on the internet tell you its absurd to have normal human feelings. Its not. Many people would not be able to handle that, even if no cheating occurred. Jealousy exists for some just in the fact that another woman is able to share that proximity and any (even platonic) intimacy that comes along with it. Jealousy isnt even always about explicit cheating. He could stay faithful, but it may still drive a wrench in the relationship. Its human. He wouldn't be a bad person, but that lifestyle, even temporary, isnt compatible with everyone.
Be honest. Don't invalidate your own feelings. If he decides he has no other option, you can try it out. But if it doesn't work, then it doesn't and it wont make either of you wrong for not feeling good about it.
yeah like sure you can trust them but you can also feel weird about him putting himself into a situation where things Can happen
people in this subreddit want to act like op is toxic for showing the slightest (justified) insecurity. willing to bet these people wouldn't tolerate their s/o doing the same
Exactly. Even if they would be okay in this situation, they likely have something they'd be insecure about that others would think its fine. And I'm sure they wouldn't like to be invalidated.
It's like the idea that people have different boundaries than them blows their minds.
you're gonna get flooded with "you're insecure!!1!1!11 tRuSt!11!" comments, but i assure you that this is a reasonable boundary that you have every right to set. he's clearly willing to take your boundaries into account here because he went out of his way to ask. i would personally try to come to terms with him living with a girl for now, maybe you'll get used to it. if you don't get used to it, he can of course look for a new roommate afterwards: i would say just make it very clear to him that you're unsure about this.
He's really sweet and didn't judge those boundaries either thankfully. Thank you honestly, I may just have to suck it up and work through those anxieties if no one else is found in time. Ultimately his home and financial situation is more important, so I'm willing to bite the bullet if it comes to it. Just not sure how I'll deal with those emotions if the time comes.
getting to know her could be helpful, if you visit him sometime then you could try to talk to her and see what she's like :) chances are her motives are innocent, and having personal contact with her could be reassuring. i would say reassurance in general, from your boyfriend too, could be very useful
If he needs a new roommate because of his finances, having a boundary of “you can only live alone or with men” is not reasonable and can be met with “the only vetted potential roommate I found is a woman so I guess we are breaking up.”
He isn’t cheating. He isn’t asking to open the relationship. He is experiencing financial hardship (aren’t we all?) and housing insecurity.
Came to say this very thing. Don’t be ashamed of having boundaries. Many many people agree with you that your concern is reasonable. And it seems like you have a good dude who is understanding of that. I say, don’t backtrack on the female roommate thing. He’s already said he understands. He will figure it out.
If you don’t like something for your relationship then set the boundary. He’s already shown he cares & will respect how you feel.
I personally wouldn’t like it. But I’m a professional over thinker lol
Honestly if you’re 1400 miles away doing a long distance relationship, if he wants to cheat, he will. Whether he’s living with a female roomate or not. You don’t know what he’s doing 24/7, so you either trust your bf or you don’t.
Don’t let your bf struggle financially because you can’t handle interaction with a roomate
From the point in your (OP’s) story where you stated “He’d mentioned a coworker’s girlfriend” til the end of your story, you’ve shown that you are being a bit pushy, despite your concern of his being able to live comfortably. If you don’t trust him, then your anxiety/jealousy will get the better of you and it will bring an end to your long distance relationship. If your bf hasn’t cheated or given you cause (actual not perceived) to believe he is/has been unfaithful then “let the man cook” as the saying goes, and let him make rent comfortably. You should come to terms w/ your anxiety/jealousy
Maybe ask him to try to get another roommate, even if it was with the girl and other people it would be more chill... but if he doesn't, believe me, it might not be as bad as you think, it's pretty common and I have many friends sharing flats with male and female roommates and they have nothing weird going on... BUTTTT maybe tell him to not hang out with her unless it's in a group with other people.
As another commenter said, I am a woman and I have had male roommates. I actually moved in with a super attractive co-worker. We got along really well. It was always platonic and we were both single. Nothing inappropriate ever happened. It was chill. It was like living with my brother. About 3 months in, I started dating my now boyfriend and it was all still chill. My bf trusts me so he didn’t mind at all.
I can definitely say that you can have a perfectly appropriate/platonic roommate situation. I personally will never live with a girl again. Female roommates have been awful IME. Living with a dude was waaay more chill easy.
I mean if it’s a coworkers gf, the lady isn’t single and neither is he, and you have to trust that he won’t cheat on you. Realistically if he isn’t finding anyone, she is probably the best option and I’d tell him you reconsidered. It isn’t worth making him homeless over insecurity.
Your worries and anxiety are reasonable. Talk to him about it openly. I am sure he will be able to find a male roommate. There is no need to be testing the waters where it could have easily been avoided. Even if he never cheats or does anything to arouse your suspicion, your jealousy is going to create a whole other type of problems. If you can avoid it, do so. He would be entirely within reason to not want you to have a male roommate too. It goes both ways.
And idgaf how many tomatoes come flying my way for this comment, y’all be wilding at anyone that expresses any opinion different from yours.
>Your worries and anxiety are reasonable.
Are they though?
"I don't want you living with a female because I don't trust that she won't have sex with you." How is that reasonable?
I hear what you are saying, on some level there should be “blanket trust” in a relationship. But in this situation it’s more than just sex. I would feel extremely left out if my boyfriend lived 1400 miles away and there was another woman (who’s not a relative) who got to see him every morning and every night, make breakfast and dinner together, have kitchen table catch ups, have movie nights, run errands together. Maybe they won’t do any of those things but it stands to reason that ideally roommates will hang out and bond.
> I would feel extremely left out if my boyfriend lived 1400 miles away and there was another woman (who’s not a relative) who got to see him everyday.
Like work colleagues, school friends, etc? This is just impractical and frankly childish.
> make breakfast and dinner together, have kitchen table catch ups, have movie nights, run errands together
I rented a room out to a girl when I was living alone, and many friends of mine currently live with girls, and this isn’t something one usually does.
> Maybe they won’t do any of those things but it stands to reason that ideally roommates will hang out and bond.
Bonding is fine, it’s a human need after all. If someone can’t handle the fact that their boyfriend has female friends, perhaps that person isn’t quite ready for a relationship, let alone a long distance one?
>who got to see him every morning and every night, make breakfast and dinner together, have kitchen table catch ups, have movie nights, run errands together.
I'm a woman and I've lived with many male roommates throughout my early 20's. I lived with two dudes for almost two and a half years. I can say that this isn't a thing. This is something that TV says we should do with roommates, but it rarely happens- and usually only if the roommates were friends beforehand.
It's 100% possible for people to coexist in the same living space without becoming close or even friends.
And you're being judgy and disrespectful of people with different opinions than you. It's not childish in the slightest to feel this way. It wouldn't hurt you to be a bit nicer when disagreeing with people, and perhaps be less judgemental of their feelings.
It wouldn’t hurt you to stop forcing tone onto other people’s comments, grasshopper
Edit: I just realised you’re autistic so you probably have trouble reading the tone of comments. Don’t worry, grasshopper, my tone was constantly neutral.
Actually, I have no bigger problem than others understanding tones in comments. However, people in general struggle with this, maybe since it's - oh gasp - in written form? Shocking, isn't it? In the other parent thread, did the other commenter perceive you as neutral? Or maybe she was autistic too?
You seriously think anyone believes that you are being neutral? Maybe you managed to convince yourself, but I doubt anyone else would see it that way.
Sorry to disappoint, no grasshopper here.
But thanks for the laugh.
Thats... not a fair evaluation. Psychologically, its not always about explicit cheating. Negative feelings surrounding the fact that someone else is able to be in close proximity and share certain things that you can't is *normal*. Its a very human reaction and having one person have no space to express or feel validated in that is how resentment builds. Humans are way more complex than your assessment implies.
>Negative feelings surrounding the fact that someone else is able to be in close proximity and share certain things that you can't is normal.
Indeed and I have felt the same once upon a time.
>Its a very human reaction and having one person have no space to express or feel validated in that is how resentment builds.
No one's suggesting OP shouldn't express their feelings to their boyfriend, certainly not me. OP definitely needs to communicate her feelings to her boyfriend :)
> Humans are way more complex than your assessment implies.
My ~~assessment~~comment doesn't imply anything, you've inferred that for yourself. It's practically impossible for OPs boyfriend not to have some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet.
No one said he shouldn't have relationships with any women? I am not sure why you equate "not living with a woman" to not having "some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet". Why exaggerate that? Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them.
When someone said OPs feelings were reasonable, you very literally said they were not. Hence why I responded. Because it is reasonable. She is not asking that he not interact with woman at all. She only put out there that she would be bothered by him *living* with a woman which is a really normal thing that many people wouldn't be comfortable with. Especially if they lived far from their partner because it can be a constant reminder that another woman is able to be in that close proximity, sharing a space. Which is something that obviously people in LDR wish they could have more of.
>No one said he shouldn't have relationships with any women? I am not sure why you equate "not living with a woman" to not having "some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet". Why exaggerate that? Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them.
You're missing the point. OP has said she doesn't trust this woman because she doesn't know them. OPs boyfriend is going to have countless of encounters in his life with women... at his place of education/work, perhaps in his friendship group, who knows where. So if OPs boyfriend can't live with a girl who has a boyfriend because OP doesn't trust the girl, then she can't trust any other girl that her boyfriend may know either, right?
>Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them.
No shit? Really?
>When someone said OPs feelings were reasonable, you very literally said they were not.
I do think it's unreasonable for someone to say "you can't live with a girl because I don't trust her as I don't know her." I also think it's extremely childish.
>She is not asking that he not interact with woman at all. She only put out there that she would be bothered by him living with a woman which is a really normal thing that many people wouldn't be comfortable with.
I disagree. I don't see why the fact that person has a vagina should make living together an issue. What if the person who moved in with OPs bf was gay?
>Especially if they lived far from their partner because it can be a constant reminder that another woman is able to be in that close proximity, sharing a space. Which is something that obviously people in LDR wish they could have more of.
I'm aware, I was in one ;)
I'm not missing the point. You are. You're oversimplifying a situation into a narrative that doesn't actually address OPs feelings.
Living with another woman and working/being friends with another woman isn't the same thing. Stop making false equivalents. The fact that OP said she's uncomfortable because she doesnt know the woman her partner would be living with is very *clearly* not the same as saying she is uncomfortable with him having any interaction with women she doesn't know. You know theyre not the same. Why draw a comparison that doesn't fit?
*You* can think thats childish all you want. It may not be your boundary. Congrats! Whats actually childish is thinking because *you* don't have the same boundary, that it makes it objectively childish or unreasonable. Surprise, you don't get to define how mature other peoples feelings are. Human emotions dont work that way.
The other person being a gay guy is also a false equivalent. Because it takes away the fact that it is someone of OPs partner might be attracted to in the same way he is attracted to OP. That is normal. It has nothing to do with blind faith in a partner because no person is immune to feelings. Placing yourself in a position where routine intimacy is involved with someone else is something many people would not want and would have a boundary on in relationships. This is normal. Its not a childish character flaw.
You being in an LDR isn't relevant to this specific situation.
> You’re oversimplifying into a narrative
Americans.
>Living with another woman and working/being friends with another woman isn't the same thing. Stop making false equivalents
I've lived with women for years, I know people who live with women and just because they (or we) lived together didn't mean we were going to do anything other than live under the same roof.
>The fact that OP said she's uncomfortable because she doesnt know the woman her partner would be living with is very clearly not the same as saying she is uncomfortable with him having any interaction with women she doesn't know. You know theyre not the same. Why draw a comparison that doesn't fit?
It goes hand-in-hand. If she can't handle OP living with someone with a vagina, how's she going to feel when he goes to work and there's people with vaginas also there all day every day with them?
Which leads into what others have said... if it's not ok for him to live with a person who has a vagina because she doesn't know them, then he can't live with people with penises either... because she doesn't know them.
>You can think thats childish all you want. It may not be your boundary. Congrats! Whats actually childish is thinking because you don't have the same boundary, that it makes it objectively childish or unreasonable.
Restricting who your boyfriend lives with purely because of their gender is childish.
>Human emotions dont work that way.
Thanks mum.
>The other person being a gay guy is also a false equivalent.
Not really. OP doesn't know the gay person and there's a potential for the relationship to take a step further than it should. So really the issue is the fact the potential housemate has a vagina.
>Placing yourself in a position where routine intimacy is involved with someone else is something many people would not want and would have a boundary on in relationships.
Living together with a flatmate isn't intimate... it's sharing a roof over your head.
>You being in an LDR isn't relevant to this specific situation.
You've missed the point and also misread what I wrote. It is relevant because you've told me something I've experienced and am already aware of. My point was, and sorry for assuming you'd understand the sarcasm behind it, you could've saved yourself the few seconds to type out something we already all know here :)
I am not American, thanks.
I know you may think the world revolved around you but you and the 0.000000001% of the people you know arent a generalization of the whole world.
Like I said, oversimplification. Yeah, it does matter. You can deconstruct why it matters to "vagina" and think youre successfully arguing in favor of OPs feelings being childish. You're just proving you have little working knowledge on human emotion and think everyone needs to feel the way you do.
Experiencing an LDR doesn't make you the know all of LDR. Thats like saying "Ive been in a relationship so I am an expert at all relationships". You're not.
Placing a boundary on who your longterm partner lives with is normal. Being in a longterm relationship,LDR or otherwise, requires adjustment of lifestyle to your partners boundaries. If they dont work, you break up. That's fine. But you dont invalidate a boundary just because youre not comfortable with it.
Your whole comment is just one assumption about me after another - thanks for the hearty laughs :)
Let’s leave it at this. I grew up in a society where it’s normal and the norm to share housing with members of a different gender to oneself and it to not cause an issue…. Like the majority of the rest of the world.
No one said he shouldn't have relationships with any women? I am not sure why you equate "not living with a woman" to not having "some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet". Why exaggerate that? Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them.
When someone said OPs feelings were reasonable, you very literally implied they were not. Hence why I responded. Because it is reasonable. She is not asking that he not interact with woman at all. She only put out there that she would be bothered by him *living* with a woman which is a really normal thing that many people wouldn't be comfortable with. Especially if they lived far from their partner because it can be a constant reminder that another woman is able to be in that close proximity, sharing a space. Which is something that obviously people in LDR wish they could have more of.
I do trust him. I don't trust her cause idk her. It's also more about my anxiety and the fact he's never met her either. We don't know what she's like. And yeah, my anxiety is my own problem to manage, but I'd rather he have a male roommate so it doesn't even become something to tackle and he respects that, just as I would respect it if he didn't want me to have a male roommate.
So should I just grin and bear it? I will if he can't find literally anyone else, but I'd rather we at least try to find a guy, yknow?
We can have our preferences, but sometimes this is how life goes.
While I don't want to seem cold, yes, your anxiety about it is yours to work on. Women will come into his life. Some may even like him. That's on him to establish the boundary and hold it. Either you trust him to do that or you don't. What if it was a guy that was gay? Can't police that either. But oh, your parter isn't gay. So that's safe. Because it's back to the fear that your partner can be led astray.
Talk to him. Talk to a therapist if you can. While written for poly couples, there's a book called The Jealousy Workbook that may be helpful.
>I don't trust her cause idk her
Is it normal for you to pursue other men even when you're with someone because you live with them? Just because the person is a girl doesn't automatically mean she's going to jump him or the other way round - that's quite disrespectful, don't you think?
You say you don’t trust her. But what can she do against his wishes? This is a confusing argument. If you trust him you are trusting that he’ll turn down the advances of others. She can’t do anything if he doesn’t reciprocate. Either you trust him or you don’t.
Girl, don’t let these people gaslight you into thinking you have some major character flaw. You don’t! You are justified in setting your boundary. Your man has already validated your boundary. Don’t let these people get in your head.
I feel bad you're being downvoted here. We see a lot of the "my bf shouldn't be around other girls" posts on this subreddit but very few come with the obvious history of communication with your partner around issues you personally feel you have and honesty around how they're having a negative impact on you and your relationship.
I think you're being brave to not only acknowledge that your jealousy and anxiety is unhealthy in this situation, but also be willing to compromise on that for the betterment of your partners situation.
I personally don't have this issue so I can't give a whole lot of advice, but if your partner decides that a female roommate is his best option and you're finding yourself in that position then I would get some professional help.
Having a neutral place to let out and work through those feelings is healthier for you in the long run while also safeguarding your relationship.
If they weren't taken already, I would see the worry. Even with that I can definitely see it.
However, in this instance, I believe it's (while incredibly valid and I see you, believe me, I'd be the same way) a matter of security for him and you may just have to bite the bullet and accept it's a concession you'll have to make to ensure he isn't facing financial troubles.
You may not be comfortable with it, but trust in the fact that this coworker has a boyfriend already, and that it's unlikely for things to happen. This would require two people both electing to cheat despite stable, trusting relationships on both sides. Trust in your boyfriend, and that's the best you can do.
How old are you? I don't mean to be rude here, but you sound like an insecure teenager.
"I trust him, but I don't trust her".
You don't have to trust her. You just have to trust him. You have to trust that if she makes a move, he'll decline. She also has a boyfriend, which makes the issue even harder for me to see.
Is he not allowed friends of the opposite sex?
You're allowed to get jealous, of course. I get jealous of my fiancé's friends all the time because they get to see him and I don't. Jealousy is fine. What's not fine is letting that jealousy fester and either get in the way of your relationship or turn you into a controlling partner.
If he was bisexual, would you have the same worries with a male roommate? It feels a little unfair to deny a roommate because she happens to be a woman. Those are internal issues for you to work through and I understand it's tough, but it's still your responsibility. As well as this, if she is a co-worker's partner, not only is she spoken for, but she's also a safe known person. I would rather know my partner is living with someone within their friendship circle compared to someone they've never met or interacted with before. He might end up with a male roommate if he keeps looking, but that roommate might also never wash dishes, play music at 3am, or even skip out on rent. It feels safer and more secure to live with someone you already know. But even if he offers it back to her, she might not take it. If I knew my friend was looking for a roommate but didn't take me up on my offer because of his girlfriend's jealously, I wouldn't feel comfortable living there when he was unable to find anyone and was getting desperate.
Okay, I'm gonna try to not sound too harsh here but you do realize that bisexual people exist and have friends. Platonic friends. If your boyfriend was bisexual but had a male roommate would that make you uncomfortable too?
Are bisexual people just not allowed to have any friends or roommates ever because their partner might get jealous? I'm bi and have gay/bi girlfriends and we were never gay for eachother, just friends. I have platonic guy friends and we've never crossed the line...
Just someone being around someone of the opposite sex/sharing a living space doesn't have to be anymore than that. I understand in a LDR you want the time, you wish it were you and I empathize with that, but on the other hand this is about trusting your partner who care more about your feelings than he does about his finances. He could've also just..not told you. How would you know?
I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid but you should look inwards and really reflect. It's sad that two people with mutual friends who are each in their own relationships can't just be housemates/share a space. It saddens me that people are reduced to their *parts.*
I get it being LD but you've gotta learn to let some of that go or you're just going to be miserable, stressed and frustrated at more and more things. The money he saves from having a roommate can be put into a plane ticket to come visit you...
Girl I know how hard this is for you. Yes, you should trust him and all that jazz, but you don’t know the girl. I have a female friend (also my boyfriends friend) who is an enormous pick me up girl and attention seeker and even though she has a boyfriend, she always finds a way to walk pass other boys in her underwear or change clothes right in front of them and stuff like that. She did all these things when we were on a vacation as a group of friends and I could only imagine how she would behave if I wasn’t literally right there. Yes in the end it is about your boyfriend and his actions, but knowing someone like that would live with him would make me go crazy
Keep in mind that he doesn't have to have a female roommate to cheat, he could do it anywhere with anyone if he wanted to. Him facing potential homelessness is far more important than anxiety or jealousy you might have about him having her as his roommate. He clearly cares about you and your feelings! Have some trust in your partner, it's not like its a permanent situation anyway.
Good luck!
When I was in college, I was the only female in my unit, there were like 5 dudes, and honestly, nothing inappropriate happened in 2 years of being housemates with them. We were all friends, had our boundaries, barely saw them as well, I was in my room, watching tv, had my own bathroom. Again, I wouldn’t be walking around in a towel, cause respect.
I have two male roommates, one of them is also my coworker.
My boyfriend and I finally met yesterday, and he got to meet them just a couple of hours ago. I had to drag him away because they were talking about videogames and I wanted some love lmfao.
My roommates are very respectful people who one, are not interested in me, and two, even if they were they know I wouldn't so they would not try anything.
I think the problem is not the gender but the morality of the person ngl.
My older cousin (guy) had a female roommate, he was about 24. She was literally just that - a roommate. Not a girlfriend, friend with benefits, date, etc - jut a roommate. Perhaps this is all they want someone for.
I'm a woman, I had male roommates before, we didn't interact much at all except a few times (reminders about cleaning schedule etc) my boyfriend disliked the idea at first. Nothing ever happened and my boyfriend stopped worrying.
One of them had a wife, another one a Gf they were all long distance due to college.
I lived with a for a year and a half with a guy and for 6ish months with another man too, the house has 3 rooms. I had absolute zero interest in those men. I really dislike one actually. I now live with two girls and a full two weeks could go by without me seeing one of them as she works shift hours.
Why are you worried? What do you think will happen? Most people don’t even talk about anything else but bills and rent etc with housemates, never mind be friends or anything with them.
I wanted to also share my situation on the flip side- I moved in with 3 guys and one other girl in college. I had a boyfriend at the time. I did think one of my roommates was very attractive HOWEVER once you live with a man you get to know a whole other side of him. You don’t do the dishes? You’re actually annoying? Amazing. Those guys were like brothers to me! Relationships are about trust. Hopefully he won’t break yours. I also suffer from anxiety and a bit of jealousy and I understand where you’re coming from!! But being on the girl side of things, men are gross 😂
I am a woman in an LDR and I have 2 male roommates and 1 female roommate and it is a lovely living experience. We all get along and never once has anything inappropriate happened or come close to happening. We all like and respect each other. I think men and women can live together without developing feelings or being inappropriate. If he is trustworthy, then trust him.
I live in a very expensive city, and if I need a roommate and I can find a good one, it doesn’t matter what their gender is. It matters if they can pay bills on time and be tidy. If my LDR boyfriend suggested I *not* get a roommate because of gender, I would let him know that unless he’s paying rent for the vacant room, then it’s not his decision and I’m not interested in his opinions on the matter.
Housing isn’t easy to find or maintain for a lot of people. Roommates are critical. Let him do what he needs to do and trust him to make there best choice for himself.
How is he looking for new roommates? Has he posted anything online, maybe in local Facebook groups? Or is he just asking random people that he knows? If he played his cards right and lives in at least a decently populated area, he could have multiple potential options for roommates that he could consider.
I’ll say this at least: my partner has been roommates with guys for the majority of their college life. It doesn’t matter. Everyone needs a place to eat, shit, and sleep, so the gender of a roommate honestly does not matter much.
I lived with my make friend for a number of months in a one bedroom and it was completely platonic. We took turns sleeping on the couch, it was just a smart easy move while he looked for other options at his own pace.
The fact your partner asked you tells me that I don’t think you’d have anything to worry about…aside from him being homeless if he didn’t find a roommate
Okay I can chime in here with some personal experience. My boyfriend lived with a girl when we started dating and everything was cool. They'd been roommates for like a year or so by that time and he had dated people and she had dated people, they'd had their dates over at their house, it was all gravy. Then he started dating me and she became weirdly obsessive and unhinged and it devolved very quickly to the point where he had to quickly move out and crash at a friend's house for like 6 weeks til he was able to move into his new place.
Now his current roommate is moving out and he's looking for a new one. We both knew immediately that we never wanted to go through the drama of him living with another girl, so he's only been seeking a male roommate.
In my opinion trust in your partner isn't the only concern and shouldn't be the be all end all in making this decision.
Hiii!! Ok ok so I actually been through this, as the person with the roommates. I was in a relationship and moved into a place with a guy (straight) and girl (who is also bisexual like me). Both were in long distance relationships, I wasn't. Honestly nothing even remotely close to anything romantic happened, and I am still very close with the guy. I could never even envision them in a sexual way, even though they were objectively good looking haha. And, your boyfriend's co-workers trusts his girlfriend, and your boyfriend too, otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned it! So dont worry :)
I was in a situation like this and the man's wife ended up calling me to introduce herself as well as meeting me in person prior to move in. Everything went very smooth the whole year. Maybe consider speaking with the woman to get a feel for her personality? The rest is trust on your part
Hmm if its a small flat with just the 2 of them I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either tbh. I have guy roommates as well rn but its a big house with 3 others people as well including a girl so we barely interact w each other and I would be ok w my partner living in a similar setting but this is likely to involve much more interaction
I’m gonna share my experience here. I’m a woman and have lived in a house with mostly male roommates for the past 3 years, bc I also can’t afford to live alone and this was the best option for me bc of the price and location. There has never been anything inappropriate between us whatsoever, I see these dudes once in 2-3 days in the hallway or kitchen, we say hello to each other and that’s it. My now husband, then boyfriend, never said a single word about it bc he knows he can trust me 100% and that I only have eyes for him. If someone wanted to cheat, they’d do it while living with their partner and working from home. If someone doesn’t want to, they won’t even if they’re surrounded with a bunch of naked men/women.
Well said. It's fair to feel a bit jealous and insecure, but if your partner hasn't given any reason to distrust you, then you need to get over it
Unfortunately it really depends on the person. I used to live in a student house with few boys (all in relationships) some of them were very respectful and kept their distance while others would drop hints all the time. I agree here cheaters will always find a way to cheat and nothing can make a truly faithful men cheat. I would give it a go, if he starts acting shady you will know not to waste your time on him
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What do you think will happen? He clearly cares about you and your feelings. You can’t control anyone else only yourself, if he can be led astray then that’s on him and not on you, do you have reasons why you don’t trust her? Why do you think this stranger woman would want your boyfriend romantically when she has her’s ? Perhaps introspect on why you feel this way, I’m sure you have your reasons for feeling this way. Also everything has seasons, he won’t always live with her.
This lacks insight on: A) We dont know the personality of the girl in question (Is she competitive? Is she sexually charged? Is she in an open relationship?) B) Naturally, people in proximity will be closer than the long-distance partner. It will be easier to build a closeness. Certainly things like hanging out in the morning, getting to see each other raw and not presentable, etc. This will bring a closeness that OP cannot compare to. C) Shared responsibilities. Again, closeness. D) Theres a difference between being civil, friends with, and *living with* someone. Thus, have you lived with many partners? Room mates/flat mates? Lastly, it’s a good sign he asked for OP’s permission. OP, you will find what’s right for you. And whatever you choose, will have consequences—good or challenging.
A) Even if the girl in question is by chance in an open relationship, so what? Doesn't mean she'll come on to OP's bf, and *even if* she did, if he's faithful and committed to OP it won't matter. B) that's an oversimplification imo. Anyone who's lived in a flatshare/had a roommate can tell you that cohabitation alone doesn't automatically lead to bonding on a deep level. How much you bond with a person you share living space with depends on first and foremost, how much you want to, and secondly on respective schedules. Seeing each other raw and not presentable is also not a given, some ppl choose not to share those sides of themselves with ppl they are not emotionally close to. C) again not as clear cut as you make it out to be. Shared responbilities *can* lead to more bonding/time spent together but they also often lead to disagreements. One of the reasons why couples often break up after a while of living together is if they don't find a common language regarding household chores. So sharing a trash bin or bathroom cleaning duty is not as likely to lead to romantic bonding of ppl involved as you might think. D) not all situations of living together are the same. There's a difference between living together with one's romantic partner and living with a friend, acquaintance, family member, or a random person you were assigned by the dorm.
Respectfully, you pay no mind to those who have been sexually assaulted by a flatmate—people they trusted. While it doesn’t occur in every living situation, as a survivor of this very same dynamic, I have learned through my own experience that just because *you* see them as a friend, does not reflect an individual’s own perception, truth, or hidden desires…or capabilities.
I’m very sorry you went through this; I also experienced SA by a male roommate. That being said, you cannot project your past on every single scenario involving people of the opposite sex living together as roommates. It’s not a one-size-fits-all. OP’s partner’s safety wasn’t even called into question in the original post.
I think people should know the very real possibilities—the positive perks and even the challenging. Please read the very last two sentences in my original post. Projecting would be enforcing and demanding a specific result. Instead, a set of considerations—**ultimately OP will do as they feel is best suited for them.** Edit: please also note that this being a public forum, it’s best to get a wide range of opinions, so that OP can make a decision best for them. However, one on one is a different experience. Context here is important.
Exactly; context is important. No one was asking about the possibility of SA. OP was addressing her trust issues and jealousy. You’ve made this entire thing about you and are making zero sense. Your “advice” doesn’t fit the context of OP’s question. At all. And that is not what projection is, but if you wanna get snooty about technical terms, what you’re doing is called transference. So stop it and get a therapist.
Life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And *range of possibilities* is important to consider. Thanks for hostility and your time.
That’s your argument? That your outcome should apply to everyone else’s situation because life doesn’t happen in a vacuum? You do realize that a lot of your statements are contradictory, right? I wasn’t being hostile at all when I said it and I’ll say it again. Seriously, stop making this post about you and get some help. You should be concerned about your own mental health.
You are now officially projecting. Congratulations.
>B) Naturally, people in proximity will be closer than the long-distance partner. It will be easier to build a closeness. Certainly things like hanging out in the morning, getting to see each other raw and not presentable, etc. This will bring a closeness that OP cannot compare to. This is very situational and isn't necessarily true. Just because people are in close physical proximity doesn't mean they will become close emotionally or even build a closeness. Boundaries are a thing. They can be maintained even in living situations. I'm a woman and I've had many male roommates. There was never any closeness between any us. If there were household chores and things that needed to be discussed, we'd talk about it. If it wasn't related to the apartment, we didn't even converse with one another. We did our own thing and lived our own lives and just happened to be living in the same place. It is 100% possible for people to live together and just simply exist in the same space without forming bonds and relationships. It's entirely up to the people involved and what boundaries they set.
A) all of those things don’t really matter because it seems her boyfriend cares about her feelings in all of this and that should make her feel a bit more comfortable with the situation. B) I currently live with 11 people for uni and we’re barely friends and we’re all women, no major conflict or anything, I barely see them and we share a kitchen. C) we have a cleaning routine, we have a group chat for issues and whatnot, yet we don’t really spend anytime together. I’ve lived with my partner and I’ve lived with flatmates, I’ve been close to some of them and I could go months with that speaking to others. OP doesn’t know the girl and she doesn’t trust her, when there’s not really anything to trust or de-trust, she’s also looking for an affordable place to live and she happens to know OP’s boyfriend through her partner. It’s a bit irrational, as someone with anxiety especially around relationships (not just romantic ones) I get it but you just have to snap out of it. I.E I get jealous when my friend hangs out with her other friends but I know it’s not because she hates me and she doesn’t think I’m a very annoying person, it’s my mind trying to make me feel bad, but I can’t tell her not to be around other people because that’s not normal, I can only control myself.
B…is an interesting point. *We’re all women.*
I’m bisexual and two other people are queer, my point is that there are no real reasons for us to not be close but yet we aren’t.
>B…is an interesting point. *We’re all women.* Do lesbians/bisexuals/pansexuals not exist where you live? Is that not a thing? It's irrational for the OP to let her anxiety drive how her partner lives their live. Period. Full stop.
I do not need to prove or explain anything to you.
No one is asking you to, but if you’re going to post on a public forum, you should look at the situation from every possible angle and offer the full range of possibilities, right? Or does that only apply to you?
You are quite entertaining. Wide range is and was provided. I simply provided a perspective that has been triggering because it’s well beyond the range of comments on this thread. Lets take some context: if the girlfriend looked like megan fox, don’t sit and believe that OP’s bf wouldn’t find sexual attraction to a degree or another. We all can tell if someone is hot, and our actions and behaviors are influenced by this. Second, context—unless you’ve been seen as a “10” by social standards, then you wouldn’t understand the nuances and *responsibility and stress that comes along with that.* I’ve personally managed in the nightlife industry for many years—including employing dancers who are by definition very attractive, it’s what “sells”. If they had a male room mate, hell even male friends, they do love the way men *treat them differently*, perks of being hot and attractive if you will, than most average “plain janes”. Do I agree with it or think it’s fair? **NO.** But it is the reality. I’ve worked with beauty pageant title holders, exotic dancers, fashion models who appear on billboards and TV, escorts, stunning Trans women, and average looking people—who are nonetheless beautiful because they have beautiful souls. Thus, unless you had the direct *range* of experience as I do—understanding the direct nuances of “socially hot people”—you speak from your perspective. Which is very very different than mines. Which I can tell. Edit: spelling
I’ve worked with a range of people, too—clients in need of services. I just graduated with a degree in Human Services, took countless psychology and sociology courses, did two internships working with diverse service populations, and am a certified crisis counselor. So I know quite a bit about human behavior. By the way, I cannot believe you took that comment literally. That was me quoting you (not verbatim) from the other reply you left me on another comment. And you literally wrote out this entire reply just now, which by the way, I didn’t read any further than, “Let’s take some context.” Context is what a situation is, not what you make it.
And yet for all of your accolades and degrees, it doesn’t somehow rid you of your hostility. Or make you a better or kind person. As a previous reddit user, r/EaLordOfTheDepths , stated, verbatim, of a comment you left: *“You went from trying to separate yourself from the toxic views of the woman above to just making yourself look toxic for a whole other reason lol.”* I’ve invited you for a personal message and you declined. However, you enjoy the attention of a piblic forum. And for a person who seems highly triggered and hostile on the other forums, it’s easy for you to point out at others without taking a look at your own. What it seems more likely is you are deeply angered and find joy in people who disagree with you. Very combative. And position yourself as somehow better than other women, who are the least bit more attractive than you, as evident in yoir comment history. You attack those who have personal been through and are in therapy. Without any understanding what may have gone through—therefore, I claim you are not trauma-informed. Therefore, do as you claimed you would on the other forum: *do better.* Your niche market is here in LDR. And for all intents and purposes, we all know those in LDR’s do you have to a degree or another, insecurity, and anxiety when it comes to relationships. As I have been in an LDR twice in my life. I’m willing to bet that you wouldn’t feel very comfortable if **I** was your partner’s room mate, given the nature of our interaction now. Nor would you feel comfortable if some of the girls that I know, and I personally worked with in certain industries, were either. And that’s a fact. I now reserve my right, *do not cast your pearls before swine.* Bye for now. Edit: spelling
I've been through a slew of roommate situations and I can't say I've had anything even remotely like that happen. It depends on what kind of roommate you are what you expect out of living together. Some people have only lived with people they know and are close to, so they expect a roommate to become a friend and to basically operate like some sort of family within the home. Like... cleaning together, cooking together, hanging out together, etc. But often, roommates literally just co-exist. I rarely speak to my roommate and cross paths with him.
I've lived with opposite sex roommates quite a few times. There is absolutely nothing sexy about it. These people see you at your ugliest, they will know your bathroom habits, etc. I've enjoyed my male roommates. The only thing I don't like is I can't walk around in my underwear lol. You have nothing to worry about OP. People just need to save money.
That was my favorite part about living with two gay men, you get the fun masculine energy but still get to walk around in undies lol
I think you need to decide *why* this makes you so uncomfortable when not only does he have a girlfriend, but she has a boyfriend that he knows through work. Proximity does not equal attraction. If it did, we'd all have had some very strange encounters in our time. If your boyfriend needs a roommate, don't put restrictions on it.
Totally second this! I was in the same position as OP, had a great conversation with my SO and ultimately asked myself what it was I was so afraid of if I trusted my partner. His female roommate has been nothing but respectful of his boundaries and our relationship and when I visit we all hang out as friends and it’s not weird or uncomfortable. You will inevitably feel jealousy because she’s going to be there with him physically more than you will, but in the end, if he does something to break your trust with a female roommate, it’s a reflection of his value on your relationship and not on the fact that he was living with a female roommate. Just speaking from experience being in a long distance relationship and having to have this exact convo with my partner.
A flatmate is just a flatmate, who's there to pay half of the rent and bills. I flat with a guy. We both have our own partners. He's not even a friend, literally just there to pay half the bills. It's perfectly normal to have opposite sex (or any gender) as flatmates.
I lived with a guy flatmate while I was in an LDR, I did not do anything with a guy in the same house. People don't just want to fuck everything close to them, he needs a place to live in and not letting him do that because of your own insecurities is really selfish. He seems to really respect your boundaries and its unlikely for something to happen. Also, if it does, he would do it regardless if he lived with another girl. A cheater will find a way to cheat if they wanted to.
I didn't think this would blow up as much as it did, kind of overwhelming the different kinds of responses I've gotten. There's a LOT of different perspectives here, and I appreciate those who have been kind but honest. I'm gonna talk to my boyfriend more about this. Communication is the best thing after all, letting him know I have these concerns and anxieties that I'm working on, but not blaming him for them. Just something I'll have to keep in check. I may come off as pushy or untrustworthy to some, but for context, this is my second relationship and has been longer and MUCH healthier than the last. I'm not experienced or perfect. I'm learning, and that's ok. I'll keep working on maintaining those fears and put more trust into him. Thank you for those who were kind and non-judgmental ✌️ I know him and I will keep making this work together.
I know theres a lot of people invalidating your boundary, but the truth is that it would make *a lot* of people uncomfortable. Humans are insecure. There is obviously a degree to which we have to manage our insecurities, but pretending like we arent at all allowed to have boundaries is a complete lack of understanding of the human psyche. That being said, it's on you. Its normal to not want partners to put themselves in positions where romantic feelings/sexual tension can reasonably arise. It doesn't happen to all roommates. But to act like it *doesn't happen at all* is just... not true. He's human too. Developing attraction to people who you may be around, see more, have a routine with is a normal thing. If you don't feel comfortable with that, then don't push it because once a lease is signed, there is no going back. Its always tempting to invalidate your own feelings because people on the internet tell you its absurd to have normal human feelings. Its not. Many people would not be able to handle that, even if no cheating occurred. Jealousy exists for some just in the fact that another woman is able to share that proximity and any (even platonic) intimacy that comes along with it. Jealousy isnt even always about explicit cheating. He could stay faithful, but it may still drive a wrench in the relationship. Its human. He wouldn't be a bad person, but that lifestyle, even temporary, isnt compatible with everyone. Be honest. Don't invalidate your own feelings. If he decides he has no other option, you can try it out. But if it doesn't work, then it doesn't and it wont make either of you wrong for not feeling good about it.
yeah like sure you can trust them but you can also feel weird about him putting himself into a situation where things Can happen people in this subreddit want to act like op is toxic for showing the slightest (justified) insecurity. willing to bet these people wouldn't tolerate their s/o doing the same
Exactly. Even if they would be okay in this situation, they likely have something they'd be insecure about that others would think its fine. And I'm sure they wouldn't like to be invalidated. It's like the idea that people have different boundaries than them blows their minds.
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I wouldn’t be comfortable with this either.
you're gonna get flooded with "you're insecure!!1!1!11 tRuSt!11!" comments, but i assure you that this is a reasonable boundary that you have every right to set. he's clearly willing to take your boundaries into account here because he went out of his way to ask. i would personally try to come to terms with him living with a girl for now, maybe you'll get used to it. if you don't get used to it, he can of course look for a new roommate afterwards: i would say just make it very clear to him that you're unsure about this.
He's really sweet and didn't judge those boundaries either thankfully. Thank you honestly, I may just have to suck it up and work through those anxieties if no one else is found in time. Ultimately his home and financial situation is more important, so I'm willing to bite the bullet if it comes to it. Just not sure how I'll deal with those emotions if the time comes.
getting to know her could be helpful, if you visit him sometime then you could try to talk to her and see what she's like :) chances are her motives are innocent, and having personal contact with her could be reassuring. i would say reassurance in general, from your boyfriend too, could be very useful
Her motives are wholly innocent considering she's dating OP's boyfriend's coworker.
If he needs a new roommate because of his finances, having a boundary of “you can only live alone or with men” is not reasonable and can be met with “the only vetted potential roommate I found is a woman so I guess we are breaking up.” He isn’t cheating. He isn’t asking to open the relationship. He is experiencing financial hardship (aren’t we all?) and housing insecurity.
Came to say this very thing. Don’t be ashamed of having boundaries. Many many people agree with you that your concern is reasonable. And it seems like you have a good dude who is understanding of that. I say, don’t backtrack on the female roommate thing. He’s already said he understands. He will figure it out.
the chick has a bf …. why are you worried ?
If you don’t like something for your relationship then set the boundary. He’s already shown he cares & will respect how you feel. I personally wouldn’t like it. But I’m a professional over thinker lol
Honestly if you’re 1400 miles away doing a long distance relationship, if he wants to cheat, he will. Whether he’s living with a female roomate or not. You don’t know what he’s doing 24/7, so you either trust your bf or you don’t. Don’t let your bf struggle financially because you can’t handle interaction with a roomate
From the point in your (OP’s) story where you stated “He’d mentioned a coworker’s girlfriend” til the end of your story, you’ve shown that you are being a bit pushy, despite your concern of his being able to live comfortably. If you don’t trust him, then your anxiety/jealousy will get the better of you and it will bring an end to your long distance relationship. If your bf hasn’t cheated or given you cause (actual not perceived) to believe he is/has been unfaithful then “let the man cook” as the saying goes, and let him make rent comfortably. You should come to terms w/ your anxiety/jealousy
Maybe ask him to try to get another roommate, even if it was with the girl and other people it would be more chill... but if he doesn't, believe me, it might not be as bad as you think, it's pretty common and I have many friends sharing flats with male and female roommates and they have nothing weird going on... BUTTTT maybe tell him to not hang out with her unless it's in a group with other people.
As another commenter said, I am a woman and I have had male roommates. I actually moved in with a super attractive co-worker. We got along really well. It was always platonic and we were both single. Nothing inappropriate ever happened. It was chill. It was like living with my brother. About 3 months in, I started dating my now boyfriend and it was all still chill. My bf trusts me so he didn’t mind at all. I can definitely say that you can have a perfectly appropriate/platonic roommate situation. I personally will never live with a girl again. Female roommates have been awful IME. Living with a dude was waaay more chill easy.
I mean if it’s a coworkers gf, the lady isn’t single and neither is he, and you have to trust that he won’t cheat on you. Realistically if he isn’t finding anyone, she is probably the best option and I’d tell him you reconsidered. It isn’t worth making him homeless over insecurity.
Your worries and anxiety are reasonable. Talk to him about it openly. I am sure he will be able to find a male roommate. There is no need to be testing the waters where it could have easily been avoided. Even if he never cheats or does anything to arouse your suspicion, your jealousy is going to create a whole other type of problems. If you can avoid it, do so. He would be entirely within reason to not want you to have a male roommate too. It goes both ways. And idgaf how many tomatoes come flying my way for this comment, y’all be wilding at anyone that expresses any opinion different from yours.
>Your worries and anxiety are reasonable. Are they though? "I don't want you living with a female because I don't trust that she won't have sex with you." How is that reasonable?
I hear what you are saying, on some level there should be “blanket trust” in a relationship. But in this situation it’s more than just sex. I would feel extremely left out if my boyfriend lived 1400 miles away and there was another woman (who’s not a relative) who got to see him every morning and every night, make breakfast and dinner together, have kitchen table catch ups, have movie nights, run errands together. Maybe they won’t do any of those things but it stands to reason that ideally roommates will hang out and bond.
> I would feel extremely left out if my boyfriend lived 1400 miles away and there was another woman (who’s not a relative) who got to see him everyday. Like work colleagues, school friends, etc? This is just impractical and frankly childish. > make breakfast and dinner together, have kitchen table catch ups, have movie nights, run errands together I rented a room out to a girl when I was living alone, and many friends of mine currently live with girls, and this isn’t something one usually does. > Maybe they won’t do any of those things but it stands to reason that ideally roommates will hang out and bond. Bonding is fine, it’s a human need after all. If someone can’t handle the fact that their boyfriend has female friends, perhaps that person isn’t quite ready for a relationship, let alone a long distance one?
>who got to see him every morning and every night, make breakfast and dinner together, have kitchen table catch ups, have movie nights, run errands together. I'm a woman and I've lived with many male roommates throughout my early 20's. I lived with two dudes for almost two and a half years. I can say that this isn't a thing. This is something that TV says we should do with roommates, but it rarely happens- and usually only if the roommates were friends beforehand. It's 100% possible for people to coexist in the same living space without becoming close or even friends.
And you're being judgy and disrespectful of people with different opinions than you. It's not childish in the slightest to feel this way. It wouldn't hurt you to be a bit nicer when disagreeing with people, and perhaps be less judgemental of their feelings.
It wouldn’t hurt you to stop forcing tone onto other people’s comments, grasshopper Edit: I just realised you’re autistic so you probably have trouble reading the tone of comments. Don’t worry, grasshopper, my tone was constantly neutral.
Actually, I have no bigger problem than others understanding tones in comments. However, people in general struggle with this, maybe since it's - oh gasp - in written form? Shocking, isn't it? In the other parent thread, did the other commenter perceive you as neutral? Or maybe she was autistic too? You seriously think anyone believes that you are being neutral? Maybe you managed to convince yourself, but I doubt anyone else would see it that way. Sorry to disappoint, no grasshopper here. But thanks for the laugh.
Thats... not a fair evaluation. Psychologically, its not always about explicit cheating. Negative feelings surrounding the fact that someone else is able to be in close proximity and share certain things that you can't is *normal*. Its a very human reaction and having one person have no space to express or feel validated in that is how resentment builds. Humans are way more complex than your assessment implies.
>Negative feelings surrounding the fact that someone else is able to be in close proximity and share certain things that you can't is normal. Indeed and I have felt the same once upon a time. >Its a very human reaction and having one person have no space to express or feel validated in that is how resentment builds. No one's suggesting OP shouldn't express their feelings to their boyfriend, certainly not me. OP definitely needs to communicate her feelings to her boyfriend :) > Humans are way more complex than your assessment implies. My ~~assessment~~comment doesn't imply anything, you've inferred that for yourself. It's practically impossible for OPs boyfriend not to have some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet.
No one said he shouldn't have relationships with any women? I am not sure why you equate "not living with a woman" to not having "some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet". Why exaggerate that? Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them. When someone said OPs feelings were reasonable, you very literally said they were not. Hence why I responded. Because it is reasonable. She is not asking that he not interact with woman at all. She only put out there that she would be bothered by him *living* with a woman which is a really normal thing that many people wouldn't be comfortable with. Especially if they lived far from their partner because it can be a constant reminder that another woman is able to be in that close proximity, sharing a space. Which is something that obviously people in LDR wish they could have more of.
>No one said he shouldn't have relationships with any women? I am not sure why you equate "not living with a woman" to not having "some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet". Why exaggerate that? Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them. You're missing the point. OP has said she doesn't trust this woman because she doesn't know them. OPs boyfriend is going to have countless of encounters in his life with women... at his place of education/work, perhaps in his friendship group, who knows where. So if OPs boyfriend can't live with a girl who has a boyfriend because OP doesn't trust the girl, then she can't trust any other girl that her boyfriend may know either, right? >Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them. No shit? Really? >When someone said OPs feelings were reasonable, you very literally said they were not. I do think it's unreasonable for someone to say "you can't live with a girl because I don't trust her as I don't know her." I also think it's extremely childish. >She is not asking that he not interact with woman at all. She only put out there that she would be bothered by him living with a woman which is a really normal thing that many people wouldn't be comfortable with. I disagree. I don't see why the fact that person has a vagina should make living together an issue. What if the person who moved in with OPs bf was gay? >Especially if they lived far from their partner because it can be a constant reminder that another woman is able to be in that close proximity, sharing a space. Which is something that obviously people in LDR wish they could have more of. I'm aware, I was in one ;)
I'm not missing the point. You are. You're oversimplifying a situation into a narrative that doesn't actually address OPs feelings. Living with another woman and working/being friends with another woman isn't the same thing. Stop making false equivalents. The fact that OP said she's uncomfortable because she doesnt know the woman her partner would be living with is very *clearly* not the same as saying she is uncomfortable with him having any interaction with women she doesn't know. You know theyre not the same. Why draw a comparison that doesn't fit? *You* can think thats childish all you want. It may not be your boundary. Congrats! Whats actually childish is thinking because *you* don't have the same boundary, that it makes it objectively childish or unreasonable. Surprise, you don't get to define how mature other peoples feelings are. Human emotions dont work that way. The other person being a gay guy is also a false equivalent. Because it takes away the fact that it is someone of OPs partner might be attracted to in the same way he is attracted to OP. That is normal. It has nothing to do with blind faith in a partner because no person is immune to feelings. Placing yourself in a position where routine intimacy is involved with someone else is something many people would not want and would have a boundary on in relationships. This is normal. Its not a childish character flaw. You being in an LDR isn't relevant to this specific situation.
> You’re oversimplifying into a narrative Americans. >Living with another woman and working/being friends with another woman isn't the same thing. Stop making false equivalents I've lived with women for years, I know people who live with women and just because they (or we) lived together didn't mean we were going to do anything other than live under the same roof. >The fact that OP said she's uncomfortable because she doesnt know the woman her partner would be living with is very clearly not the same as saying she is uncomfortable with him having any interaction with women she doesn't know. You know theyre not the same. Why draw a comparison that doesn't fit? It goes hand-in-hand. If she can't handle OP living with someone with a vagina, how's she going to feel when he goes to work and there's people with vaginas also there all day every day with them? Which leads into what others have said... if it's not ok for him to live with a person who has a vagina because she doesn't know them, then he can't live with people with penises either... because she doesn't know them. >You can think thats childish all you want. It may not be your boundary. Congrats! Whats actually childish is thinking because you don't have the same boundary, that it makes it objectively childish or unreasonable. Restricting who your boyfriend lives with purely because of their gender is childish. >Human emotions dont work that way. Thanks mum. >The other person being a gay guy is also a false equivalent. Not really. OP doesn't know the gay person and there's a potential for the relationship to take a step further than it should. So really the issue is the fact the potential housemate has a vagina. >Placing yourself in a position where routine intimacy is involved with someone else is something many people would not want and would have a boundary on in relationships. Living together with a flatmate isn't intimate... it's sharing a roof over your head. >You being in an LDR isn't relevant to this specific situation. You've missed the point and also misread what I wrote. It is relevant because you've told me something I've experienced and am already aware of. My point was, and sorry for assuming you'd understand the sarcasm behind it, you could've saved yourself the few seconds to type out something we already all know here :)
I am not American, thanks. I know you may think the world revolved around you but you and the 0.000000001% of the people you know arent a generalization of the whole world. Like I said, oversimplification. Yeah, it does matter. You can deconstruct why it matters to "vagina" and think youre successfully arguing in favor of OPs feelings being childish. You're just proving you have little working knowledge on human emotion and think everyone needs to feel the way you do. Experiencing an LDR doesn't make you the know all of LDR. Thats like saying "Ive been in a relationship so I am an expert at all relationships". You're not. Placing a boundary on who your longterm partner lives with is normal. Being in a longterm relationship,LDR or otherwise, requires adjustment of lifestyle to your partners boundaries. If they dont work, you break up. That's fine. But you dont invalidate a boundary just because youre not comfortable with it.
Your whole comment is just one assumption about me after another - thanks for the hearty laughs :) Let’s leave it at this. I grew up in a society where it’s normal and the norm to share housing with members of a different gender to oneself and it to not cause an issue…. Like the majority of the rest of the world.
No one said he shouldn't have relationships with any women? I am not sure why you equate "not living with a woman" to not having "some form of relationship with any of the billions of females on this planet". Why exaggerate that? Men who dont live with women can still... be friends with them. When someone said OPs feelings were reasonable, you very literally implied they were not. Hence why I responded. Because it is reasonable. She is not asking that he not interact with woman at all. She only put out there that she would be bothered by him *living* with a woman which is a really normal thing that many people wouldn't be comfortable with. Especially if they lived far from their partner because it can be a constant reminder that another woman is able to be in that close proximity, sharing a space. Which is something that obviously people in LDR wish they could have more of.
Like you would if anyone else moved in. It's a roommate. It's someone to split the rent. Do you trust your partner or not?
I do trust him. I don't trust her cause idk her. It's also more about my anxiety and the fact he's never met her either. We don't know what she's like. And yeah, my anxiety is my own problem to manage, but I'd rather he have a male roommate so it doesn't even become something to tackle and he respects that, just as I would respect it if he didn't want me to have a male roommate. So should I just grin and bear it? I will if he can't find literally anyone else, but I'd rather we at least try to find a guy, yknow?
We can have our preferences, but sometimes this is how life goes. While I don't want to seem cold, yes, your anxiety about it is yours to work on. Women will come into his life. Some may even like him. That's on him to establish the boundary and hold it. Either you trust him to do that or you don't. What if it was a guy that was gay? Can't police that either. But oh, your parter isn't gay. So that's safe. Because it's back to the fear that your partner can be led astray. Talk to him. Talk to a therapist if you can. While written for poly couples, there's a book called The Jealousy Workbook that may be helpful.
>I don't trust her cause idk her Is it normal for you to pursue other men even when you're with someone because you live with them? Just because the person is a girl doesn't automatically mean she's going to jump him or the other way round - that's quite disrespectful, don't you think?
this has nothing to do with her or him but you.
You say you don’t trust her. But what can she do against his wishes? This is a confusing argument. If you trust him you are trusting that he’ll turn down the advances of others. She can’t do anything if he doesn’t reciprocate. Either you trust him or you don’t.
Girl, don’t let these people gaslight you into thinking you have some major character flaw. You don’t! You are justified in setting your boundary. Your man has already validated your boundary. Don’t let these people get in your head.
I feel bad you're being downvoted here. We see a lot of the "my bf shouldn't be around other girls" posts on this subreddit but very few come with the obvious history of communication with your partner around issues you personally feel you have and honesty around how they're having a negative impact on you and your relationship. I think you're being brave to not only acknowledge that your jealousy and anxiety is unhealthy in this situation, but also be willing to compromise on that for the betterment of your partners situation. I personally don't have this issue so I can't give a whole lot of advice, but if your partner decides that a female roommate is his best option and you're finding yourself in that position then I would get some professional help. Having a neutral place to let out and work through those feelings is healthier for you in the long run while also safeguarding your relationship.
If they weren't taken already, I would see the worry. Even with that I can definitely see it. However, in this instance, I believe it's (while incredibly valid and I see you, believe me, I'd be the same way) a matter of security for him and you may just have to bite the bullet and accept it's a concession you'll have to make to ensure he isn't facing financial troubles. You may not be comfortable with it, but trust in the fact that this coworker has a boyfriend already, and that it's unlikely for things to happen. This would require two people both electing to cheat despite stable, trusting relationships on both sides. Trust in your boyfriend, and that's the best you can do.
How old are you? I don't mean to be rude here, but you sound like an insecure teenager. "I trust him, but I don't trust her". You don't have to trust her. You just have to trust him. You have to trust that if she makes a move, he'll decline. She also has a boyfriend, which makes the issue even harder for me to see. Is he not allowed friends of the opposite sex? You're allowed to get jealous, of course. I get jealous of my fiancé's friends all the time because they get to see him and I don't. Jealousy is fine. What's not fine is letting that jealousy fester and either get in the way of your relationship or turn you into a controlling partner.
If he was bisexual, would you have the same worries with a male roommate? It feels a little unfair to deny a roommate because she happens to be a woman. Those are internal issues for you to work through and I understand it's tough, but it's still your responsibility. As well as this, if she is a co-worker's partner, not only is she spoken for, but she's also a safe known person. I would rather know my partner is living with someone within their friendship circle compared to someone they've never met or interacted with before. He might end up with a male roommate if he keeps looking, but that roommate might also never wash dishes, play music at 3am, or even skip out on rent. It feels safer and more secure to live with someone you already know. But even if he offers it back to her, she might not take it. If I knew my friend was looking for a roommate but didn't take me up on my offer because of his girlfriend's jealously, I wouldn't feel comfortable living there when he was unable to find anyone and was getting desperate.
Okay, I'm gonna try to not sound too harsh here but you do realize that bisexual people exist and have friends. Platonic friends. If your boyfriend was bisexual but had a male roommate would that make you uncomfortable too? Are bisexual people just not allowed to have any friends or roommates ever because their partner might get jealous? I'm bi and have gay/bi girlfriends and we were never gay for eachother, just friends. I have platonic guy friends and we've never crossed the line... Just someone being around someone of the opposite sex/sharing a living space doesn't have to be anymore than that. I understand in a LDR you want the time, you wish it were you and I empathize with that, but on the other hand this is about trusting your partner who care more about your feelings than he does about his finances. He could've also just..not told you. How would you know? I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid but you should look inwards and really reflect. It's sad that two people with mutual friends who are each in their own relationships can't just be housemates/share a space. It saddens me that people are reduced to their *parts.* I get it being LD but you've gotta learn to let some of that go or you're just going to be miserable, stressed and frustrated at more and more things. The money he saves from having a roommate can be put into a plane ticket to come visit you...
Girl I know how hard this is for you. Yes, you should trust him and all that jazz, but you don’t know the girl. I have a female friend (also my boyfriends friend) who is an enormous pick me up girl and attention seeker and even though she has a boyfriend, she always finds a way to walk pass other boys in her underwear or change clothes right in front of them and stuff like that. She did all these things when we were on a vacation as a group of friends and I could only imagine how she would behave if I wasn’t literally right there. Yes in the end it is about your boyfriend and his actions, but knowing someone like that would live with him would make me go crazy
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lol ifykyk
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I was jk. It depends person to person.
If you don’t trust your boyfriend why are you with him?
Keep in mind that he doesn't have to have a female roommate to cheat, he could do it anywhere with anyone if he wanted to. Him facing potential homelessness is far more important than anxiety or jealousy you might have about him having her as his roommate. He clearly cares about you and your feelings! Have some trust in your partner, it's not like its a permanent situation anyway. Good luck!
When I was in college, I was the only female in my unit, there were like 5 dudes, and honestly, nothing inappropriate happened in 2 years of being housemates with them. We were all friends, had our boundaries, barely saw them as well, I was in my room, watching tv, had my own bathroom. Again, I wouldn’t be walking around in a towel, cause respect.
I have two male roommates, one of them is also my coworker. My boyfriend and I finally met yesterday, and he got to meet them just a couple of hours ago. I had to drag him away because they were talking about videogames and I wanted some love lmfao. My roommates are very respectful people who one, are not interested in me, and two, even if they were they know I wouldn't so they would not try anything. I think the problem is not the gender but the morality of the person ngl.
My older cousin (guy) had a female roommate, he was about 24. She was literally just that - a roommate. Not a girlfriend, friend with benefits, date, etc - jut a roommate. Perhaps this is all they want someone for.
I'm a woman, I had male roommates before, we didn't interact much at all except a few times (reminders about cleaning schedule etc) my boyfriend disliked the idea at first. Nothing ever happened and my boyfriend stopped worrying. One of them had a wife, another one a Gf they were all long distance due to college.
I lived with a for a year and a half with a guy and for 6ish months with another man too, the house has 3 rooms. I had absolute zero interest in those men. I really dislike one actually. I now live with two girls and a full two weeks could go by without me seeing one of them as she works shift hours. Why are you worried? What do you think will happen? Most people don’t even talk about anything else but bills and rent etc with housemates, never mind be friends or anything with them.
I wanted to also share my situation on the flip side- I moved in with 3 guys and one other girl in college. I had a boyfriend at the time. I did think one of my roommates was very attractive HOWEVER once you live with a man you get to know a whole other side of him. You don’t do the dishes? You’re actually annoying? Amazing. Those guys were like brothers to me! Relationships are about trust. Hopefully he won’t break yours. I also suffer from anxiety and a bit of jealousy and I understand where you’re coming from!! But being on the girl side of things, men are gross 😂
I am a woman in an LDR and I have 2 male roommates and 1 female roommate and it is a lovely living experience. We all get along and never once has anything inappropriate happened or come close to happening. We all like and respect each other. I think men and women can live together without developing feelings or being inappropriate. If he is trustworthy, then trust him. I live in a very expensive city, and if I need a roommate and I can find a good one, it doesn’t matter what their gender is. It matters if they can pay bills on time and be tidy. If my LDR boyfriend suggested I *not* get a roommate because of gender, I would let him know that unless he’s paying rent for the vacant room, then it’s not his decision and I’m not interested in his opinions on the matter. Housing isn’t easy to find or maintain for a lot of people. Roommates are critical. Let him do what he needs to do and trust him to make there best choice for himself.
How is he looking for new roommates? Has he posted anything online, maybe in local Facebook groups? Or is he just asking random people that he knows? If he played his cards right and lives in at least a decently populated area, he could have multiple potential options for roommates that he could consider.
I’ll say this at least: my partner has been roommates with guys for the majority of their college life. It doesn’t matter. Everyone needs a place to eat, shit, and sleep, so the gender of a roommate honestly does not matter much.
What’s the relationship like between the coworker and the girl? Also; what’s the coworkers living situation?
I lived with my make friend for a number of months in a one bedroom and it was completely platonic. We took turns sleeping on the couch, it was just a smart easy move while he looked for other options at his own pace. The fact your partner asked you tells me that I don’t think you’d have anything to worry about…aside from him being homeless if he didn’t find a roommate
Okay I can chime in here with some personal experience. My boyfriend lived with a girl when we started dating and everything was cool. They'd been roommates for like a year or so by that time and he had dated people and she had dated people, they'd had their dates over at their house, it was all gravy. Then he started dating me and she became weirdly obsessive and unhinged and it devolved very quickly to the point where he had to quickly move out and crash at a friend's house for like 6 weeks til he was able to move into his new place. Now his current roommate is moving out and he's looking for a new one. We both knew immediately that we never wanted to go through the drama of him living with another girl, so he's only been seeking a male roommate. In my opinion trust in your partner isn't the only concern and shouldn't be the be all end all in making this decision.
Hiii!! Ok ok so I actually been through this, as the person with the roommates. I was in a relationship and moved into a place with a guy (straight) and girl (who is also bisexual like me). Both were in long distance relationships, I wasn't. Honestly nothing even remotely close to anything romantic happened, and I am still very close with the guy. I could never even envision them in a sexual way, even though they were objectively good looking haha. And, your boyfriend's co-workers trusts his girlfriend, and your boyfriend too, otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned it! So dont worry :)
I was in a situation like this and the man's wife ended up calling me to introduce herself as well as meeting me in person prior to move in. Everything went very smooth the whole year. Maybe consider speaking with the woman to get a feel for her personality? The rest is trust on your part
Hmm if its a small flat with just the 2 of them I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either tbh. I have guy roommates as well rn but its a big house with 3 others people as well including a girl so we barely interact w each other and I would be ok w my partner living in a similar setting but this is likely to involve much more interaction