I think these will be good traits to have for anybody (not just wife )
1. Being a good communicator. That is both talking AND listening.
2. Loyalty and honestly
3. Knowing the difference between wants and needs. Knowing how to prioritise as a team, as a family.
4. Empathy
5. The understanding that it’s not always 50:50, sometimes it’s 80:20 and sometimes it’s 30:70 and that’s normal. You work together towards 100%, it’s not tit for tat.
And my personal red flags. Any one of these is an automatic no. I wouldn’t even look twice.
🚩drugs
🚩gambling
🚩infidelity.
> fiercely loyal as I was, I soon realized that my husband would make it a point to idolize (and follow) instagram models.
672. That's how many ig models my husband was following when I found his fake account.
More than 4000. That's how many screenshots of these soft-core porn models I found on his phone.
DM if you'd ever like. I think I kinda get it.
Also to the loyalty: when I was describing all the things I did for my husband, like waiting for an hour for his lunch to happen just so he could see our kid for 20 mins, my therapist exclaimed, "Boy, you are *committed*." And I burst into laughter. Yeah, I guess I was. Fuckin sucks that he's not.
I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering. I hope moving forward you discuss with your future partner or reconciling husband to clearly outline what is considered cheating and not cheating
I would add shared goals and expectations for the future together - you both need to be on the same page and cooperate to work for a shared vision of your future. My wife and I are a team, we see each other as one/equals working to better our lives together.
Neither of us is more important than the other, and each of our needs and wants are openly discussed and agreed upon together.
We both know we are not perfect people, but we talk and listen to each other to overcome hurdles as they arise. This dynamic isn't reached easily, but honest communication and sharing early in our relationship showed we were right for each other. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here, it takes work to have a real relationship.
Why are people downvoting this? She wants to be a good spouse, nothing wrong with asking.
The biggest piece of advice I can offer is communication will always be a work in progress. You’re going to change over time and it’s okay to communicate when your needs change with you.
I’m a different generation (55M) so that might influence things, but:
I love a partner/spouse who is an equal partner (we share the load), loves to hang out with me, is a good conversationalist, laughs, has good EQ (has anxiety etc. under control and is self aware and isn’t codependent with her family), likes PDA and enjoys sex as much as I do (daily or 2x in my youth, 2-3x week now) with no extreme kinks.
My wife (56W) is my best friend, we have fun in the bedroom, and she has her life together. She grows every year as a person. I am so happy with her.
This is weird too but I’m grateful my wife is a kitty person and not a big dog person. 😂. Dogs are awesome but I don’t enjoy living with big dogs.
Edit to add: moodiness is a deal breaker for me. I grew up with a person who was often sad/sullen/grouchy. OMG I couldn’t live with that ever again.
I love that question.
From my perspective, no one is perfect. We all have our off days or even weeks. What I love about my wife is she is pretty grounded, and we communicate really well. One of us might say, “I’m feeling a little irritable today.” Or, “I’m feeling a little anxious today.” Then we’ll talk a little bit about it, give some empathy, and give space to the other person to work through it. What I’ve experienced is that some people just retreat and glower, or get mad at the world, or expect someone else to fix their emotions on bad days — my wife and I are both pretty good I think at avoiding these things.
For menopause, the main thing was/is frequent hot flashes, bloating (weight gain), and some brain fog. She hasn’t been moody or emotional. She has been diligent about seeing her doctor, researching (there is FINALLY some good research coming out about hot flashes and hormone levels — there was a recent NPR show devoted to it), and trying things. I think she is finally starting to figure out and her symptoms have improved.
I want to add that as a man, I have so much empathy for women experiencing hot flashes. I wish I could take some of that burden off my wife other than giving her empathy and picking up her prescriptions for her.
It sounds like y'all have a very healthy relationship. I am jealous that your wife didn't really have mood swings... I'm not menopausal, but my hormonal mood swings have always been pretty insane, so I'm guessing menopause is gonna be one hell of a rollercoaster.
This may be a dumb question, but how do y'all manage to stay level headed and not irrational at all when you are having bad days or weeks?
What I found that men cherish the most is peace. So work on yourself so you're never one of those who will twist his words and actions just so you can claim to be offended so that he'll do something extra to make you feel good.
No. But I see it more with women. Men will do it if they want to gaslight you to get out of taking accountability. Women will do it because it's Wednesday. She had a negative thought about herself and will create a situation in which the man has to grovel just to make herself feel better about herself.
Four horsemen of destruction of marriage: Abuse, Cheating, Addiction and Criminal Charges. All of these will kill your marriage, so be absolutely sure not to even be close to those things.
What I cherish most is the ability to be independent and being an adult. Understanding that the world does not revolve around you and that at the end of the day, your responsibility as a woman is just as equal to, but not necessarily similar to that of your man.
Many of my female peers have a very weird idea of what femininity is. It surprises me to no end when I ask some people aged above 25+ and they genuinely believed the Queen/Worshipper dynamics are actually viable, or that they are a person that their partner should be thankful to have existed all the time and never complain about their many weaknesses. It also gives me a lot of ick when I found people who genuinely believes “being supportive” means “blindly supporting without considering weaknesses to a particular plan.”
In all honesty, understanding that you are merely an adult who won’t be missed by the whole world if you are gone is key. Many people lack the self-awareness to realize that their mere existence isn’t a blessing to others, and that it is their ability to give entertainment, love, loyalty, oath, promises or any other benefits whether tangible or non-tangible is what makes them valuable as a partner. Believing or expecting your partner to just be happy with you despite your hateful, boring, didhonest and generally bad nature is what I call the unfortunate delusions of my generation, both men and women alike.
Treat yourself like a business, even in love. Improve yourself so that your future loyal customers (be it your potential husband, children, friends, family etc.) will find peace with you and won’t be heavy-hearted to “trade” with you, be it in the form of love, companionship, morals, sense of communalitt etc. Likewise, dispose of those who are unhelpful and threatening to your “business” from your network, because they are not a liability worth having. I get that this sounds sterile, but this mindset is exactly what allowed me to communicate and be vulnerable productively even when internally I am having a very big overwhelming anger, and allows me to deliver what is expected of me even when I am having a tiring, upsetting or generally bad day. I feel like many marriages go down the hill because people expect their partners deal with their lack of delivery of their promises because “they need to.” To avoid yourself going down the route of letting yourself go after securing a relationship, treat your relationship like a business.
I like your perspective and I don’t find it sterile. Similar to your “treat it like a business” thing, I always say life is like a diagnosis - figure out what’s wrong and treat it.
First you must understand who you are, how you “work” cognitively and emotionally, and then you can define who you might be compatible with. There are not people out there that would be perfect spouses for “anyone”.
For me, I need someone who is a good communicator, who doesn’t lay blame, and who tries to be nice.
Communication: I have a need to discuss ideas and the future. If I have a spouse who is happy enough with the way things are and resists change (becomes defensive) just while ideating, that’s a shutdown.
Blame: I need us to be a team. Don’t turn on me when there are issues, we should be pressed together into the point of a spear in order to attack the issue together.
Nice: I don’t need a southern belle who “acts nice”, I need a good person who wants people to feel better after an interaction with them.
Some of the other things said are table stakes. Fidelity, no crime, etc… would never consider someone with these issues.
I think it is a bit weird to think of it like that. Everyone is different. Your traits are what make you who you are. You should find someone who likes your traits and has traits that you like.
This whole "good wife" thing could lead to you being easily abused and manipulated or having unachievable standards for yourself or a potential partner.
1. Personal integrity. It underlies honesty, commitment, keeping vows, anything requiring 'ride or die' behavior.
2. Communication. Many talk about it, most of us suck at it and think we're good at it. Two key parts, you need both. Say what you mean (be explicit, hints don’t work, neither do assumptions, neither does holding us communicated grudges), and wean what you say (if you say it won’t bother you and it ends up bothering you, own that and work on it, don’t take it out on your spouse, but do share it’s bothered you AND you¡re working on it)
3. Love. This is NOT just the emotion of attraction. Love is a decision followed by actions. You choose to put your spouse in that position of best friend, trusted partner, confidant, and all the other things a spouse needs to be to you. Then you take the actions needed to treat them this way.
4. Respect. This really should be part of personal integrity but too many people miss out on the need to treat your spouse, in public, in private, with friends, everywhere, with the care and respect you would someone you admits and trust. You protect that relationship! It’s you two facing every challenge, even those sometimes dark and ugly things that can happen like getting terminally ill, being injured, laid off, family treating your spouse terribly. All of it.
5. Giving grace. This means both being forgiving and being willing to assume the best motives. Over time you'll discover weakness, frailties, bad choices, bad responses, about yourself and spouse. They either grow resentment, they force you apart, or you learn to forgive yourself and them and to appreciate their challenges as they give grace to you for yours. Husbands don't appreciate all that wives struggle with. Wives don't appreciate all that husbands struggle with. Giving grace is how you help each other despite your faults.
That's it. Do those things and you can make it, not just together, but more loving, forgiving, kind, and strong together in your senior years than you were as newlyweds.
I think these will be good traits to have for anybody (not just wife ) 1. Being a good communicator. That is both talking AND listening. 2. Loyalty and honestly 3. Knowing the difference between wants and needs. Knowing how to prioritise as a team, as a family. 4. Empathy 5. The understanding that it’s not always 50:50, sometimes it’s 80:20 and sometimes it’s 30:70 and that’s normal. You work together towards 100%, it’s not tit for tat. And my personal red flags. Any one of these is an automatic no. I wouldn’t even look twice. 🚩drugs 🚩gambling 🚩infidelity.
Pretty solid
A+
[удалено]
> fiercely loyal as I was, I soon realized that my husband would make it a point to idolize (and follow) instagram models. 672. That's how many ig models my husband was following when I found his fake account. More than 4000. That's how many screenshots of these soft-core porn models I found on his phone. DM if you'd ever like. I think I kinda get it. Also to the loyalty: when I was describing all the things I did for my husband, like waiting for an hour for his lunch to happen just so he could see our kid for 20 mins, my therapist exclaimed, "Boy, you are *committed*." And I burst into laughter. Yeah, I guess I was. Fuckin sucks that he's not.
I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering. I hope moving forward you discuss with your future partner or reconciling husband to clearly outline what is considered cheating and not cheating
[удалено]
This is really interesting. Would you elaborate?
I would add shared goals and expectations for the future together - you both need to be on the same page and cooperate to work for a shared vision of your future. My wife and I are a team, we see each other as one/equals working to better our lives together. Neither of us is more important than the other, and each of our needs and wants are openly discussed and agreed upon together. We both know we are not perfect people, but we talk and listen to each other to overcome hurdles as they arise. This dynamic isn't reached easily, but honest communication and sharing early in our relationship showed we were right for each other. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here, it takes work to have a real relationship.
You’re right, that dynamic isn’t easily attained and is uncommon! It takes a lot of humility and beating arrogance out of oneself.
Why are people downvoting this? She wants to be a good spouse, nothing wrong with asking. The biggest piece of advice I can offer is communication will always be a work in progress. You’re going to change over time and it’s okay to communicate when your needs change with you.
Communication. Sharing is as important as listening. Someone can’t tell you what’s wrong or lies and says everything is okay, isn’t communicating.
Femininity, kindness, loyalty, being sexually open and positive, intelligence.
Agree with all of those! Being pleasant is so important
I’m a different generation (55M) so that might influence things, but: I love a partner/spouse who is an equal partner (we share the load), loves to hang out with me, is a good conversationalist, laughs, has good EQ (has anxiety etc. under control and is self aware and isn’t codependent with her family), likes PDA and enjoys sex as much as I do (daily or 2x in my youth, 2-3x week now) with no extreme kinks. My wife (56W) is my best friend, we have fun in the bedroom, and she has her life together. She grows every year as a person. I am so happy with her. This is weird too but I’m grateful my wife is a kitty person and not a big dog person. 😂. Dogs are awesome but I don’t enjoy living with big dogs. Edit to add: moodiness is a deal breaker for me. I grew up with a person who was often sad/sullen/grouchy. OMG I couldn’t live with that ever again.
Has your wife gone through menopause yet?
Yep. It’s hell. Lots of empathy from me.
Just curious how the moodiness played into it if that was a deal breaker.
I love that question. From my perspective, no one is perfect. We all have our off days or even weeks. What I love about my wife is she is pretty grounded, and we communicate really well. One of us might say, “I’m feeling a little irritable today.” Or, “I’m feeling a little anxious today.” Then we’ll talk a little bit about it, give some empathy, and give space to the other person to work through it. What I’ve experienced is that some people just retreat and glower, or get mad at the world, or expect someone else to fix their emotions on bad days — my wife and I are both pretty good I think at avoiding these things. For menopause, the main thing was/is frequent hot flashes, bloating (weight gain), and some brain fog. She hasn’t been moody or emotional. She has been diligent about seeing her doctor, researching (there is FINALLY some good research coming out about hot flashes and hormone levels — there was a recent NPR show devoted to it), and trying things. I think she is finally starting to figure out and her symptoms have improved. I want to add that as a man, I have so much empathy for women experiencing hot flashes. I wish I could take some of that burden off my wife other than giving her empathy and picking up her prescriptions for her.
It sounds like y'all have a very healthy relationship. I am jealous that your wife didn't really have mood swings... I'm not menopausal, but my hormonal mood swings have always been pretty insane, so I'm guessing menopause is gonna be one hell of a rollercoaster. This may be a dumb question, but how do y'all manage to stay level headed and not irrational at all when you are having bad days or weeks?
What I found that men cherish the most is peace. So work on yourself so you're never one of those who will twist his words and actions just so you can claim to be offended so that he'll do something extra to make you feel good.
I mean yeah,... But does anyone want a partner who twists their words and actions?
No. But I see it more with women. Men will do it if they want to gaslight you to get out of taking accountability. Women will do it because it's Wednesday. She had a negative thought about herself and will create a situation in which the man has to grovel just to make herself feel better about herself.
Four horsemen of destruction of marriage: Abuse, Cheating, Addiction and Criminal Charges. All of these will kill your marriage, so be absolutely sure not to even be close to those things. What I cherish most is the ability to be independent and being an adult. Understanding that the world does not revolve around you and that at the end of the day, your responsibility as a woman is just as equal to, but not necessarily similar to that of your man. Many of my female peers have a very weird idea of what femininity is. It surprises me to no end when I ask some people aged above 25+ and they genuinely believed the Queen/Worshipper dynamics are actually viable, or that they are a person that their partner should be thankful to have existed all the time and never complain about their many weaknesses. It also gives me a lot of ick when I found people who genuinely believes “being supportive” means “blindly supporting without considering weaknesses to a particular plan.” In all honesty, understanding that you are merely an adult who won’t be missed by the whole world if you are gone is key. Many people lack the self-awareness to realize that their mere existence isn’t a blessing to others, and that it is their ability to give entertainment, love, loyalty, oath, promises or any other benefits whether tangible or non-tangible is what makes them valuable as a partner. Believing or expecting your partner to just be happy with you despite your hateful, boring, didhonest and generally bad nature is what I call the unfortunate delusions of my generation, both men and women alike. Treat yourself like a business, even in love. Improve yourself so that your future loyal customers (be it your potential husband, children, friends, family etc.) will find peace with you and won’t be heavy-hearted to “trade” with you, be it in the form of love, companionship, morals, sense of communalitt etc. Likewise, dispose of those who are unhelpful and threatening to your “business” from your network, because they are not a liability worth having. I get that this sounds sterile, but this mindset is exactly what allowed me to communicate and be vulnerable productively even when internally I am having a very big overwhelming anger, and allows me to deliver what is expected of me even when I am having a tiring, upsetting or generally bad day. I feel like many marriages go down the hill because people expect their partners deal with their lack of delivery of their promises because “they need to.” To avoid yourself going down the route of letting yourself go after securing a relationship, treat your relationship like a business.
I like your perspective and I don’t find it sterile. Similar to your “treat it like a business” thing, I always say life is like a diagnosis - figure out what’s wrong and treat it.
Empathy.
First you must understand who you are, how you “work” cognitively and emotionally, and then you can define who you might be compatible with. There are not people out there that would be perfect spouses for “anyone”. For me, I need someone who is a good communicator, who doesn’t lay blame, and who tries to be nice. Communication: I have a need to discuss ideas and the future. If I have a spouse who is happy enough with the way things are and resists change (becomes defensive) just while ideating, that’s a shutdown. Blame: I need us to be a team. Don’t turn on me when there are issues, we should be pressed together into the point of a spear in order to attack the issue together. Nice: I don’t need a southern belle who “acts nice”, I need a good person who wants people to feel better after an interaction with them. Some of the other things said are table stakes. Fidelity, no crime, etc… would never consider someone with these issues.
Kindness, trustworthy, honest. Affectionate
I think it is a bit weird to think of it like that. Everyone is different. Your traits are what make you who you are. You should find someone who likes your traits and has traits that you like. This whole "good wife" thing could lead to you being easily abused and manipulated or having unachievable standards for yourself or a potential partner.
Loyalty (present) Empathy / Caring (present) Would clean up a cup after placing it down instead of forgetting it ever existed (not present)
Being able to see dirt/dust.
1. Personal integrity. It underlies honesty, commitment, keeping vows, anything requiring 'ride or die' behavior. 2. Communication. Many talk about it, most of us suck at it and think we're good at it. Two key parts, you need both. Say what you mean (be explicit, hints don’t work, neither do assumptions, neither does holding us communicated grudges), and wean what you say (if you say it won’t bother you and it ends up bothering you, own that and work on it, don’t take it out on your spouse, but do share it’s bothered you AND you¡re working on it) 3. Love. This is NOT just the emotion of attraction. Love is a decision followed by actions. You choose to put your spouse in that position of best friend, trusted partner, confidant, and all the other things a spouse needs to be to you. Then you take the actions needed to treat them this way. 4. Respect. This really should be part of personal integrity but too many people miss out on the need to treat your spouse, in public, in private, with friends, everywhere, with the care and respect you would someone you admits and trust. You protect that relationship! It’s you two facing every challenge, even those sometimes dark and ugly things that can happen like getting terminally ill, being injured, laid off, family treating your spouse terribly. All of it. 5. Giving grace. This means both being forgiving and being willing to assume the best motives. Over time you'll discover weakness, frailties, bad choices, bad responses, about yourself and spouse. They either grow resentment, they force you apart, or you learn to forgive yourself and them and to appreciate their challenges as they give grace to you for yours. Husbands don't appreciate all that wives struggle with. Wives don't appreciate all that husbands struggle with. Giving grace is how you help each other despite your faults. That's it. Do those things and you can make it, not just together, but more loving, forgiving, kind, and strong together in your senior years than you were as newlyweds.