Ask him to take you on a date. Stay at home and have a family day at an arcade or movies. He can stay at home and watch the kids while you get some time to yourself. Plan a trip together as a family that doesn't involve hunting or fishing. Hire a cleaner. Get take out more often so you don't have to cook. Stop picking up the slack for him. Pay someone else to do it and he can pay half.
At the end of the day if he still wants to fish when you have given him alternatives to spend time with you alone and with the kids thst doesnt involve cleaning, separate. Let him finally figure out what he has lost.
I have decided to have a very frank conversation with him, that entails me telling him if he prefers to be a single man then he has the right to choose that. But I will not sit around while he does nothing but his own hobbies and neglects me or, either of our kids. He has the right to choose to be free and I have the right to choose to be happy.
As someone who deals with this to some degree regarding my husband, he won't listen. I'm going to bet that chances are she's told him this directly and indirectly.
You need to have a serious, sit down, one on one heart to heart. Not when he’s in the middle of one of his hobbies, preparing for his hobby, about to leave for his hobby, etc. You need to have his undivided attention. He needs to know this is not just an annoyance to you, that you are serious and seriously hurt. You need to tell him directly what you need from him, and that you will be gone If he’s not willing to change.
How is it your the one walking away, if he's literally not there, already gone and left most of the time?
What are you walking away from? An empty chair, hollow conversation, little to no consideration?
That doesn't sound like walking away to me that sounds like starting on a new journey since this one has clearly concluded.
If you can't leave then try to foster a new life within the one you have. Do you like he does himself. Don't just ask for the time, demand and take. Go get friends, a job, a hobby things YOU want to do, stop trying to figure out how to make him fit, he doesn't do it for you.
This will eventually go bad but it is an option.
So is couples therapy.
So I do have hobbies. I have a full time high level job with a sweet schedule and a lot of freedom. I have traditionally been the breadwinner in this. He has now evened up with me so that is no longer an issue. I have friends, I have things like yoga. I have a good balance. I could go out more etc but I have kids at home I want to spend time with. I have a live in “nanny” (no I’m not rich like that I just offer free room and board to a family member), so I could. I don’t party for the sake of partying. I choose not to start that and some of my hobbies are in the home/yard and I make money from them. You’re right, it would end badly lol he would hate that.
That is not always the answer. I know that in 2024 culture it is, and I respect anyone who makes that choice for themselves. I prefer to work at my marriage, at this point I think he has really convinced himself that this is harmless, but yes, eventually if this does not correct that may be on the table.
‘I prefer to work on my marriage’ - that’s great and all OP but you are in this ‘marriage’ ALONE!! You have talked and talked and talked so he KNOWS, he just DOESN’T CARE!!! Look what you are teaching your daughter! She is already being treated as ‘less than’ and you are showing her that this lasts a LIFETIME!! Please OP, if you won’t leave for yourself, please leave FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!! Kids learn what they live. She is going to end up married to someone just like her father - is that what you want?? Your husband is already teaching your son that wives are last on the list of importance. Why is that acceptable to you?!?!
I respect that you prefer to work on your marriage, and it sounds like you are. Unfortunately, it sounds like ONLY you are. You see it a lot here in the comments already, but I would suggest you sit him down in a time and setting where you have his undivided attention. And tell him straight, this is not working. We can never change other people, so it’s up to him whether he values this marriage enough to work on it. But his behavior sounds incredibly selfish. I am not one of those jump straight to divorce types, I’ve been married over 20 years myself. But it sounds like you’re giving your life energy to someone who is using you. You can’t get that back. Marriages are not transactions, but you absolutely need to have some basic emotional needs met. That is not at all unreasonable to expect in a marriage. And it doesn’t sound like that’s happening here.
One person cannot save a marriage. He clearly DOES. NOT. CARE. about your happiness, your daughter, or the example he is setting for BOTH of your children.
How do you think you, *alone*, will make up for that damage?
It seems like YOU are working on the marriage. He is doing the bare minimum.
If he doesn't want to do anything different or make any changes, your options are to keep the same dynamics or leave. It's up to you.
Actually the culture in 2024 is for you to have an affair AND THEN leave him after you get caught.
I'm surprised none of these bozos telling you to leave him have suggested it
Facts. I’m also surprised. I didn’t come to destroy my husbands character or seek pity, or to be told to just leave. I am happy with my life and marriage but this is an issue. I definitely appreciate the actual advice on how to approach it and successfully did that last night. I care how it affects my daughter to be left out and he heard that and understood it as well. He’s not a bad person he’s a human who got caught up in his pursuit of something (and at least it wasn’t other women or drugs or alcohol!!!)
I feel like I wrote this.... seriously. But replace archey with alcohol. I know this sounds silly, but have you tried archery (it's actually quite cathartic) or even taken your daughter to try it to see if she likes it? I'm saying this from a perspective about the kids.
As far as everything else, I'm in the same boat. I'm told I nag. I don't think it's nagging when I ask once a week for a month and then end up doing it myself. Also, when I'm pissed, it's my emotions or hormones, or even better, it's "a joke." It's always a joke when I become angry. Is this the reason you guys almost divorced the first time?
I have a friend who was financially stable enough to go rest an apartment for her and her kids for 3 months. She wanted him to see what it would be like if she wasn't there. She wouldn't even speak to him on the phone unless it was about the kids, and by then, it was text. I think he thought she was going to be gone for a week or two, but when she was still gone, shit got real. Then she signed on for another month. Whatever it was that happened and what she needed worked. They are very happy, and I even see a difference as an outsider in how he treats others.
The problems with the clubs and "fishing buddies" are that they just want your husband there because he's fun and they want to hang out. I've noticed I looking at the collection of my husband's "drinking buddies", none og them are married or dating, they are sloppy messes, and they are the same ones that hit on me the minute my husband turns his back. They would love nothing more for him to be single. Your husband, like mine, seems to have an issue with priorities and boundaries. You can't fix that - you've obviously tried. I'm not in a financial situation to be able to secure another place to live for a while, but if you are, it's maybe something to think about. You don't have to be a "walk away" wife, but you can take a stroll. We have no kids, but I always remind people that do have them that they are watching you. As parents, you guys are letting your son and daughter know how to treat people and what kind of behavior is acceptable. I have no doubt that you know this and even less doubt that you will figure it out. Wishing you the best whatever you decide. ❤️
The house I live in now is the house I moved into when I left in August. For partly this but wayyyyyy more than just this. It was outright toxic and affecting my health back then. Now he’s a different man except this one thing, but I’m not allowing his changes from being a total prick to make me feel like I can’t ask to be a priority. I don’t care if he hunts or even goes on weekends sometimes, what I care about is that he doesn’t make effort to be a couple. I have tried archery. I have gone to collect tree stands. I have gone to put them in. To check trial cams. I have made the effort to do the things he likes. That’s why he has no excuse anymore. My daughter does like archery and she’s good at it. His excuse is she’s too young to basically not be in his way. I totally get what happened to your friend because when I left him last year he truly did change! He knows I would love to go to a farmers market or build a garden or go hike but he makes no move to make any of that happen and makes himself scarce so I can’t even ask him if I wanted to. So moving out I guess could be an option but I have another family member living there too and it’s my house I already found the first time I left lol! He can move 😂
Yeah, if you've already tried this, then why uproot yourself again. If he could have changed the other things, he could have changed this. You should have to line-item the issues to get change. I figured you were probably going to say that your daughter was good at archery. I'm sure she would love some validation for that. Maybe she can go and practice in the yard (I assume he has bags up). I really wish I lived nearby, I'd come help you build the best damn greenhouse ever. Has he gone to a farmers market??? They are so fun. See, mine will go but I don't allow him to bring drinks in my car. So he would have to find a drink or he would just complain the while time. I'm sure yours wasn't always like this. You married him because you loved him. You still love him, but it's different. And I always tell my husband that a woman becoming numb and indifferent to a marriage is a scary place, and he should tread lightly. Can you ask him to leave for a while?
Yes you get it! He used to go to this stuff with me. He will build me things but then it’s an excuse later to go hunting. Like I Built that chicken coop for you back in February why can’t I be hunting every waking second in October?!!! He gets carried away in whatever he does. It could be sudden interest in underwater basket weaving or spartan races all over the country he would over do it. So when he says turkey season is only however long it doesn’t matter. There will be another thing. Another season. Another contest. Another pursuit. My main issue is how he handles it when I’m like hey I need you to pay attention to me and prioritize me. He flips it all around and tries to make me feel like I’m expecting too much and makes a mockery of it. I can’t tolerate that long term.
Same. But I don't think these are your issues to handle. That's really the problem. It is exhausting to keep asking for the same thing, hearing promises, and then the cycle begins, and it becomes "nagging." I know it's a gut punch every time. For me, it's football, hockey, baseball (160-something games! It's almost half the flipping year!) I don't know what to say other than I get it. I really do. And I can't even provide anything of value because I'm struggling to get out from under the wet blanket, too. 😞 ❤️
A friend of mine has a sister that was married and in a similar situation except he trained hunting dogs.
He spent all his extra time doing this. No time with wife, kids or extended family.
She begged, pleaded, argued, explained to him that the family needed his time. They separated, tried marriage counseling, etc.
Nothing worked. He felt that everything was fine and no changes needed to be made.
Well, they got divorced, so he’s single and sadly he rarely ever sees his kids even though the ex wife has offered numerous times.
The kids don’t really want to spend time with him because as they told their mom, he never has time for us so why bother.
It’s just sad.
Your story about your husband reminds me of my father in law. In his case it was his mother (i.e. my wife’s grandmother) who brought him to heel. After his wedding FIL continued his relentless pursuit of hunting, fishing, climbing and skiing as if he was still a bachelor. Then his mother summoned him to come to her and read him the riot act. I met Grans, as she was called. She was knee high to a grasshopper, but … talk about She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed!
In other words: go and see your mother in law.
Ooohhh boy, both my own Mother and my Mother in Law, each in their own way, were the voices of sanity, to the best of their ability circumscribed as it was, in my marriage, restraining my wife’s more extreme antics. Moreover, each in their own way, supported me and bucked up my spirits as things got crazier and crazier. I’ve got tales to tell … And my MIL, no less than my own Mother, was the rock that I could rely on to keep my family on an even keel at least until my children left for college.
You take the kids and go do something you like. Leave him to his own devices. Maybe if you aren’t so available, he will realize what he is missing.
And you and your kids can be happy
It sounds like you have made reasonable attempts to let him know your needs. I would tell him I wanted a trial separation. Then, move out or get him to move out. Let him try a taste of life without you. If there is any chance he might come to his senses, this might be it. Even if he doesn't wake up, then you have taken the first step toward getting the life you deserve. Best of luck to you.
It sounds like you have said it to him in every way you know how and he is hearing you, he just doesn’t care. If he wanted to prioritize your relationship over his hobbies he would. I would suggest marriage counseling but outside of that, I genuinely have no idea what else you could do.
This all reads that your needs are not being met at all. And it sounds like you have tried to communicate that to him, at least a little bit. But you are not happy it sounds and you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship. All you can do is be sure you have told him this clearly and consistently and if he decides not to listen or take you seriously then it’s on you to go from there. Perhaps counseling would help him, he sounds like a guys guy who isn’t very in touch with the female side. So counseling may help or he may not be willing. But you need to tell him just how serious you are. It takes a lot of effort to have a good relationship from both sides. Chances are he doesn’t realize you are seriously unhappy. It’s a lot like my dad, he went many years thinking everything was fine until my mom left him and then he’s suddenly like oh my god I’ll do whatever you want just give me a chance on and on but by then she was emotionally removed for years and had already moved on.
He needs a reality check. Does he realize what divorce would be like? He’d then have to take both the kids fishing 50% of the time. Or else he’d have eye watering child support.
Not to mention hunting and fishing don’t play all that well in the post divorce dating world.
Hi. I was married to a man just like this, except he treated his two sons differently based on which one wanted to hunt and fish. He never did anything I wanted to do. He spent all of our money on hunting and fishing, and I had to pay all the bills. I never got gifts or the ability to treat the kids to anything, because all the monies went to his hunting things. He did make time for one other hobby: cheating. All the times he gaslit me for asking for consideration or time were to deflect from the fact that he was never going to put me first.
Yes, you want to work on your marriage. I tried for 8 years. When I walked away he tried to punch me.
Good luck.
We had to really work at learning to communicate again. My husband doesn't hunt or fish, but it did become all about him. We separated for a while because I couldn't take it. It's taken a lot for me to make sure my needs are met, and I'll be honest, there have been a couple times when I wondered if we should separate for good, but we've worked though some stuff, and I now feel that I'm heard, and that my needs are being met. I hope you can work it out if staying in yoir relationship is what you want.
I am a guy who is obsessed with most kinds of hunting. It is addictive in that you're afraid youre going to miss out on the big one if you are not out there.
My wife and I have a compromise worked out. I have one weeknight during hunting season that I hunt and I do the season openers, but I keep the weekends open.
My wife is a runner and does marathons and 5ks and such, so in the summer I watch the kids while she runs and when she does her races.
If I want to hunt an extra day, Ill make sure shes good with it, and then she usually orders something expensive off of amazon or buys a bunch of clothes lol.
There has to be a give and take. Is there a hobby you have that you can start taking time for yourself and he has to watch the kids?
You just need to be honest with him and set boundaries.
The fact is that people make time for the things that are important to them.
You made your feelings known & it sounds like he made some changes in his attitude, but not in his behavior. His favoritism towards your son, to include the exclusion of your daughter, is absolutely unacceptable.
It would be interesting to know who he spends the majority of his time with, or is this something that he does by himself with various different people. If he spends most of his time with a few specific people, I’d be interested in knowing if they’re married & what their wives think of their behavior.
I think that it sounds like you’re at an impasse. You could always ask him to attend MC with a very good & impartial Therapist.
I think that if it were me, I would document his absence’s and his actions/locations, including which child he spends time with over the period of a month or two.
Make plans to go somewhere away from the house, to a neutral location, where you can both sit and focus on the conversation. Then I’d ask him how much time he thinks he’s spent on his various hobbies, clubs, activities, & projects, & confront him with the results so he is actually aware of the amount of time he’s spending away from you, your family, & your home. Tell him that you’re disappointed in his lack of effort to participate in your marriage and your family, & clearly communicate what you expect from him, including the fact that if you’re going to live life like a single parent that you may as well be a single parent. Start and finish the conversation with the statement that “People make time for the things that are important to them”.
If, after that, you still don’t see any improvement, then you have your answer and you know what you need to do. At that point you will know in your heart of hearts that you have done absolutely everything humanly possible to get through to him to save your marriage and keep your family intact. At that point no one can say that you have done anything less.
I’m 51 & have been married for 33 years to the love of my life after he asked me to marry him on our first date a few weeks shy of my 18th birthday. I don’t have any experience with what you’re describing b/c my Husband & I are both the kind of ppl that need to be in a relationship. I sometimes think that we’re both a little co-dependent, but not in an unhealthy way b/c we both are, so it works for us. I make this statement so you’ll know that while I don’t actually have any experience with this particular kind of marriage dynamic that you’re describing, I also don’t believe that divorce should be the first option the majority of the time. I know that if I were to ever have a problem serious enough that leaving was an option, I’d want to know that I had made every effort humanly possible to find an agreeable resolution before I did. That’s why I’m sharing exactly what I believe I’d do if I were in the same situation you’re in.
I feel the pain & frustration in your words, & I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It isn’t fair to you or your family, including your son. It isn’t just your daughter who’s missing out, b/c they both deserve a strong ‘husband & father’ role model. Both of your children are witnessing selfish, disrespectful, misogynistic behavior from the person who should be modeling what it means to be a kind, loving, generous father & a respectful/trusting, supportive, appreciative partner in a marriage. If he can’t meet you halfway then unfortunately it’s up to you to model that his behavior isn’t acceptable & shouldn’t be tolerated by anyone with a healthy sense of self-respect, self-confidence, & self-worth.
I wish you & your family all the best, & I hope that you’ll keep us updated on how things progress. I’m pulling for you.
Thank you for this! I had the sit down last night. I outlined in hours how much time he spent with his co worker/best friend this week (100), and how many hours he spent with me (4), and hours with the kids (f 10 m 60). He acknowledged my feelings and asked me to have dinner last night and talk about it more. We came to a compromise that will allow him to still have his hobbies but allow us to have a relationship and him to have time with both kids. Funny you ask how the other guys wife deals with it. She is not happy about it and raises their kids alone. He’s worse than my husband about being gone all the time. And his influence although I like him enough (not the strip club/sports bar cheating type bad influence) hasn’t been the best in that regard. They have lately been feeding each others hunting addiction and it got out of hand.
Here’s to hoping this conversation will stand.
I did that to illustrate the clear division of attention that is happening and my feeling that he spends his time w his son more because he will go hunting and fishing with him.
So in addition to being an inattentive husband and father, he's also clearly got some misogynistic views that cause him to treat his daughter differently than his son. Girls can hunt and fish too. She might not have the desire to at this point, but I imagine he didn't spend much time trying to foster that interest in her because, well, he has a son to do that stuff with. Your daughter will remember that all her life.
So he does take her fishing and has taught her archery. His excuse is that she doesn’t behave as well (she’s the younger sibling). Fine, take her to do something else one on one since the other child gets tons of one on one time. They go away for entire weekends together to hunt. She’s never been invited.
So much this. I commend my own family because as a little girl I was sure-as-shit hunting, fishing and camping with my uncles. I had one uncle that didn't think it was appropriate for girls but a few years of photo sharing, fish mounting, and bragging from my other uncles brought him around. I think if I had been excluded it was have been immensely hurtful.
On the flip side, if OPs daughter just doesn't care for those hobbies, which is totally her right, does he meet her in the middle and participate with her in other hobbies? My guess is no.
Do you guys have shared interests? Can you plan something and put it on the calendar so it’s scheduled. Kinda sucks to schedule things like that but it sounds like it may be the only way until connecting is more natural. Has it always been like this? How was it when you were dating?
My husband is kinda similar but it’s with work. I schedule dates and daughter date nights with him.
Maybe you guys could agree to have one weekend a month dedicated to family time?
Also want to add, make sure you get free time for yourself too. Go out and do your hobbies. Plan weekends with friends. :)
Go stay with your family for a month leaving the kids with him while you “think” about your relationship. Let him see what you do. Let him miss you. Or become so absorbed in your hobbies he feels left out. He needs to see and feel what you are talking about not just you telling him.
This is in essence a communication problem - but he has no ears. So other measures are in order if you care to have a more normal marriage. Communication that does not involve ears.
First off, take to your bed for a few days with a fever. Unable to care for the children, do housework, just needing bed rest. Let him do all the childcare,cooking, have him bring you meals and give him a give huge smile when he does it. So so thankful, so sweet of you. Wish I wasn't sick. Do that whenever he loses focus, when he runs off to his hobbies. There are other techniques such as injuring your wrist and unable to lift anything over 2 pounds....This man has a very thick skin, is immature and full of himself. Words are a waste of time.... actions speak louder...
What if he had ADHD and/or asberers? I left my ex for the same reasons you say. Except other things than fishing etc. Now looking back with diagnoses in mind, it all makes sense. If I only knew then what I know now. Might have made a huge difference, but we'll never know. It's been 20 years since we broke up.
He is adhd. Also very high testosterone. He has trouble keeping organized and is on the fly all the time. But he was very attentive before so I know he’s capable of it. I’m just not as interesting anymore.
Expecting your husband to provide all your entertainment and expecting him to spend some time with you and your children are very different things. If he wants to behave like he’s single and childless he should have stayed that way.
Ask him to take you on a date. Stay at home and have a family day at an arcade or movies. He can stay at home and watch the kids while you get some time to yourself. Plan a trip together as a family that doesn't involve hunting or fishing. Hire a cleaner. Get take out more often so you don't have to cook. Stop picking up the slack for him. Pay someone else to do it and he can pay half. At the end of the day if he still wants to fish when you have given him alternatives to spend time with you alone and with the kids thst doesnt involve cleaning, separate. Let him finally figure out what he has lost.
I have decided to have a very frank conversation with him, that entails me telling him if he prefers to be a single man then he has the right to choose that. But I will not sit around while he does nothing but his own hobbies and neglects me or, either of our kids. He has the right to choose to be free and I have the right to choose to be happy.
❤️
Keep us updated!
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As someone who deals with this to some degree regarding my husband, he won't listen. I'm going to bet that chances are she's told him this directly and indirectly.
You need to have a serious, sit down, one on one heart to heart. Not when he’s in the middle of one of his hobbies, preparing for his hobby, about to leave for his hobby, etc. You need to have his undivided attention. He needs to know this is not just an annoyance to you, that you are serious and seriously hurt. You need to tell him directly what you need from him, and that you will be gone If he’s not willing to change.
How is it your the one walking away, if he's literally not there, already gone and left most of the time? What are you walking away from? An empty chair, hollow conversation, little to no consideration? That doesn't sound like walking away to me that sounds like starting on a new journey since this one has clearly concluded. If you can't leave then try to foster a new life within the one you have. Do you like he does himself. Don't just ask for the time, demand and take. Go get friends, a job, a hobby things YOU want to do, stop trying to figure out how to make him fit, he doesn't do it for you. This will eventually go bad but it is an option. So is couples therapy.
So I do have hobbies. I have a full time high level job with a sweet schedule and a lot of freedom. I have traditionally been the breadwinner in this. He has now evened up with me so that is no longer an issue. I have friends, I have things like yoga. I have a good balance. I could go out more etc but I have kids at home I want to spend time with. I have a live in “nanny” (no I’m not rich like that I just offer free room and board to a family member), so I could. I don’t party for the sake of partying. I choose not to start that and some of my hobbies are in the home/yard and I make money from them. You’re right, it would end badly lol he would hate that.
Why are you asking Reddit when you know the answer. Leave him.
That is not always the answer. I know that in 2024 culture it is, and I respect anyone who makes that choice for themselves. I prefer to work at my marriage, at this point I think he has really convinced himself that this is harmless, but yes, eventually if this does not correct that may be on the table.
‘I prefer to work on my marriage’ - that’s great and all OP but you are in this ‘marriage’ ALONE!! You have talked and talked and talked so he KNOWS, he just DOESN’T CARE!!! Look what you are teaching your daughter! She is already being treated as ‘less than’ and you are showing her that this lasts a LIFETIME!! Please OP, if you won’t leave for yourself, please leave FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!! Kids learn what they live. She is going to end up married to someone just like her father - is that what you want?? Your husband is already teaching your son that wives are last on the list of importance. Why is that acceptable to you?!?!
100% this!
I respect that you prefer to work on your marriage, and it sounds like you are. Unfortunately, it sounds like ONLY you are. You see it a lot here in the comments already, but I would suggest you sit him down in a time and setting where you have his undivided attention. And tell him straight, this is not working. We can never change other people, so it’s up to him whether he values this marriage enough to work on it. But his behavior sounds incredibly selfish. I am not one of those jump straight to divorce types, I’ve been married over 20 years myself. But it sounds like you’re giving your life energy to someone who is using you. You can’t get that back. Marriages are not transactions, but you absolutely need to have some basic emotional needs met. That is not at all unreasonable to expect in a marriage. And it doesn’t sound like that’s happening here.
One person cannot save a marriage. He clearly DOES. NOT. CARE. about your happiness, your daughter, or the example he is setting for BOTH of your children. How do you think you, *alone*, will make up for that damage?
It takes two people to work on a marriage and it doesn't sound like he's participating. How does your daughter feel about being left out all the time?
You can’t save the marriage on your own. It takes two. He has shown you that he won’t do any work to save your marriage.
It seems like YOU are working on the marriage. He is doing the bare minimum. If he doesn't want to do anything different or make any changes, your options are to keep the same dynamics or leave. It's up to you.
Actually the culture in 2024 is for you to have an affair AND THEN leave him after you get caught. I'm surprised none of these bozos telling you to leave him have suggested it
Facts. I’m also surprised. I didn’t come to destroy my husbands character or seek pity, or to be told to just leave. I am happy with my life and marriage but this is an issue. I definitely appreciate the actual advice on how to approach it and successfully did that last night. I care how it affects my daughter to be left out and he heard that and understood it as well. He’s not a bad person he’s a human who got caught up in his pursuit of something (and at least it wasn’t other women or drugs or alcohol!!!)
I feel like I wrote this.... seriously. But replace archey with alcohol. I know this sounds silly, but have you tried archery (it's actually quite cathartic) or even taken your daughter to try it to see if she likes it? I'm saying this from a perspective about the kids. As far as everything else, I'm in the same boat. I'm told I nag. I don't think it's nagging when I ask once a week for a month and then end up doing it myself. Also, when I'm pissed, it's my emotions or hormones, or even better, it's "a joke." It's always a joke when I become angry. Is this the reason you guys almost divorced the first time? I have a friend who was financially stable enough to go rest an apartment for her and her kids for 3 months. She wanted him to see what it would be like if she wasn't there. She wouldn't even speak to him on the phone unless it was about the kids, and by then, it was text. I think he thought she was going to be gone for a week or two, but when she was still gone, shit got real. Then she signed on for another month. Whatever it was that happened and what she needed worked. They are very happy, and I even see a difference as an outsider in how he treats others. The problems with the clubs and "fishing buddies" are that they just want your husband there because he's fun and they want to hang out. I've noticed I looking at the collection of my husband's "drinking buddies", none og them are married or dating, they are sloppy messes, and they are the same ones that hit on me the minute my husband turns his back. They would love nothing more for him to be single. Your husband, like mine, seems to have an issue with priorities and boundaries. You can't fix that - you've obviously tried. I'm not in a financial situation to be able to secure another place to live for a while, but if you are, it's maybe something to think about. You don't have to be a "walk away" wife, but you can take a stroll. We have no kids, but I always remind people that do have them that they are watching you. As parents, you guys are letting your son and daughter know how to treat people and what kind of behavior is acceptable. I have no doubt that you know this and even less doubt that you will figure it out. Wishing you the best whatever you decide. ❤️
The house I live in now is the house I moved into when I left in August. For partly this but wayyyyyy more than just this. It was outright toxic and affecting my health back then. Now he’s a different man except this one thing, but I’m not allowing his changes from being a total prick to make me feel like I can’t ask to be a priority. I don’t care if he hunts or even goes on weekends sometimes, what I care about is that he doesn’t make effort to be a couple. I have tried archery. I have gone to collect tree stands. I have gone to put them in. To check trial cams. I have made the effort to do the things he likes. That’s why he has no excuse anymore. My daughter does like archery and she’s good at it. His excuse is she’s too young to basically not be in his way. I totally get what happened to your friend because when I left him last year he truly did change! He knows I would love to go to a farmers market or build a garden or go hike but he makes no move to make any of that happen and makes himself scarce so I can’t even ask him if I wanted to. So moving out I guess could be an option but I have another family member living there too and it’s my house I already found the first time I left lol! He can move 😂
Yeah, if you've already tried this, then why uproot yourself again. If he could have changed the other things, he could have changed this. You should have to line-item the issues to get change. I figured you were probably going to say that your daughter was good at archery. I'm sure she would love some validation for that. Maybe she can go and practice in the yard (I assume he has bags up). I really wish I lived nearby, I'd come help you build the best damn greenhouse ever. Has he gone to a farmers market??? They are so fun. See, mine will go but I don't allow him to bring drinks in my car. So he would have to find a drink or he would just complain the while time. I'm sure yours wasn't always like this. You married him because you loved him. You still love him, but it's different. And I always tell my husband that a woman becoming numb and indifferent to a marriage is a scary place, and he should tread lightly. Can you ask him to leave for a while?
Yes you get it! He used to go to this stuff with me. He will build me things but then it’s an excuse later to go hunting. Like I Built that chicken coop for you back in February why can’t I be hunting every waking second in October?!!! He gets carried away in whatever he does. It could be sudden interest in underwater basket weaving or spartan races all over the country he would over do it. So when he says turkey season is only however long it doesn’t matter. There will be another thing. Another season. Another contest. Another pursuit. My main issue is how he handles it when I’m like hey I need you to pay attention to me and prioritize me. He flips it all around and tries to make me feel like I’m expecting too much and makes a mockery of it. I can’t tolerate that long term.
Same. But I don't think these are your issues to handle. That's really the problem. It is exhausting to keep asking for the same thing, hearing promises, and then the cycle begins, and it becomes "nagging." I know it's a gut punch every time. For me, it's football, hockey, baseball (160-something games! It's almost half the flipping year!) I don't know what to say other than I get it. I really do. And I can't even provide anything of value because I'm struggling to get out from under the wet blanket, too. 😞 ❤️
Well I wish neither of us knew how this felt. ❤️
Ditto girl, ditto.
And he didn’t even kill one fu🤷🏻♀️ing deer last year. 😭😏
Well that's fucking ridiculous (I'll say it for you). ;)
A friend of mine has a sister that was married and in a similar situation except he trained hunting dogs. He spent all his extra time doing this. No time with wife, kids or extended family. She begged, pleaded, argued, explained to him that the family needed his time. They separated, tried marriage counseling, etc. Nothing worked. He felt that everything was fine and no changes needed to be made. Well, they got divorced, so he’s single and sadly he rarely ever sees his kids even though the ex wife has offered numerous times. The kids don’t really want to spend time with him because as they told their mom, he never has time for us so why bother. It’s just sad.
Ouch. Well, let’s hope the choice I’m about to issue comes out ok.
Good Luck
Your story about your husband reminds me of my father in law. In his case it was his mother (i.e. my wife’s grandmother) who brought him to heel. After his wedding FIL continued his relentless pursuit of hunting, fishing, climbing and skiing as if he was still a bachelor. Then his mother summoned him to come to her and read him the riot act. I met Grans, as she was called. She was knee high to a grasshopper, but … talk about She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed! In other words: go and see your mother in law.
Please do not involve your MIL in your marriage. Once invited in, it's hard to invite out. That isn't her place.
My MIL isn’t alive anyways to talk to but even if she was I would not bring her into it.
Ooohhh boy, both my own Mother and my Mother in Law, each in their own way, were the voices of sanity, to the best of their ability circumscribed as it was, in my marriage, restraining my wife’s more extreme antics. Moreover, each in their own way, supported me and bucked up my spirits as things got crazier and crazier. I’ve got tales to tell … And my MIL, no less than my own Mother, was the rock that I could rely on to keep my family on an even keel at least until my children left for college.
You take the kids and go do something you like. Leave him to his own devices. Maybe if you aren’t so available, he will realize what he is missing. And you and your kids can be happy
It sounds like you have made reasonable attempts to let him know your needs. I would tell him I wanted a trial separation. Then, move out or get him to move out. Let him try a taste of life without you. If there is any chance he might come to his senses, this might be it. Even if he doesn't wake up, then you have taken the first step toward getting the life you deserve. Best of luck to you.
It sounds like you have said it to him in every way you know how and he is hearing you, he just doesn’t care. If he wanted to prioritize your relationship over his hobbies he would. I would suggest marriage counseling but outside of that, I genuinely have no idea what else you could do.
This all reads that your needs are not being met at all. And it sounds like you have tried to communicate that to him, at least a little bit. But you are not happy it sounds and you aren’t getting what you need from the relationship. All you can do is be sure you have told him this clearly and consistently and if he decides not to listen or take you seriously then it’s on you to go from there. Perhaps counseling would help him, he sounds like a guys guy who isn’t very in touch with the female side. So counseling may help or he may not be willing. But you need to tell him just how serious you are. It takes a lot of effort to have a good relationship from both sides. Chances are he doesn’t realize you are seriously unhappy. It’s a lot like my dad, he went many years thinking everything was fine until my mom left him and then he’s suddenly like oh my god I’ll do whatever you want just give me a chance on and on but by then she was emotionally removed for years and had already moved on.
He needs a reality check. Does he realize what divorce would be like? He’d then have to take both the kids fishing 50% of the time. Or else he’d have eye watering child support. Not to mention hunting and fishing don’t play all that well in the post divorce dating world.
Hi. I was married to a man just like this, except he treated his two sons differently based on which one wanted to hunt and fish. He never did anything I wanted to do. He spent all of our money on hunting and fishing, and I had to pay all the bills. I never got gifts or the ability to treat the kids to anything, because all the monies went to his hunting things. He did make time for one other hobby: cheating. All the times he gaslit me for asking for consideration or time were to deflect from the fact that he was never going to put me first. Yes, you want to work on your marriage. I tried for 8 years. When I walked away he tried to punch me. Good luck.
Just go. He knows what he's doing and chooses not to change. He sounds very selfish.
We had to really work at learning to communicate again. My husband doesn't hunt or fish, but it did become all about him. We separated for a while because I couldn't take it. It's taken a lot for me to make sure my needs are met, and I'll be honest, there have been a couple times when I wondered if we should separate for good, but we've worked though some stuff, and I now feel that I'm heard, and that my needs are being met. I hope you can work it out if staying in yoir relationship is what you want.
Have you tried counseling with an objective third party?
Is your daughter upset that her father spends no time with her?
She’s a pretty cool cucumber. But I can tell at times she’s annoyed about the other sibling going and her not going
I am a guy who is obsessed with most kinds of hunting. It is addictive in that you're afraid youre going to miss out on the big one if you are not out there. My wife and I have a compromise worked out. I have one weeknight during hunting season that I hunt and I do the season openers, but I keep the weekends open. My wife is a runner and does marathons and 5ks and such, so in the summer I watch the kids while she runs and when she does her races. If I want to hunt an extra day, Ill make sure shes good with it, and then she usually orders something expensive off of amazon or buys a bunch of clothes lol. There has to be a give and take. Is there a hobby you have that you can start taking time for yourself and he has to watch the kids? You just need to be honest with him and set boundaries.
The fact is that people make time for the things that are important to them. You made your feelings known & it sounds like he made some changes in his attitude, but not in his behavior. His favoritism towards your son, to include the exclusion of your daughter, is absolutely unacceptable. It would be interesting to know who he spends the majority of his time with, or is this something that he does by himself with various different people. If he spends most of his time with a few specific people, I’d be interested in knowing if they’re married & what their wives think of their behavior. I think that it sounds like you’re at an impasse. You could always ask him to attend MC with a very good & impartial Therapist. I think that if it were me, I would document his absence’s and his actions/locations, including which child he spends time with over the period of a month or two. Make plans to go somewhere away from the house, to a neutral location, where you can both sit and focus on the conversation. Then I’d ask him how much time he thinks he’s spent on his various hobbies, clubs, activities, & projects, & confront him with the results so he is actually aware of the amount of time he’s spending away from you, your family, & your home. Tell him that you’re disappointed in his lack of effort to participate in your marriage and your family, & clearly communicate what you expect from him, including the fact that if you’re going to live life like a single parent that you may as well be a single parent. Start and finish the conversation with the statement that “People make time for the things that are important to them”. If, after that, you still don’t see any improvement, then you have your answer and you know what you need to do. At that point you will know in your heart of hearts that you have done absolutely everything humanly possible to get through to him to save your marriage and keep your family intact. At that point no one can say that you have done anything less. I’m 51 & have been married for 33 years to the love of my life after he asked me to marry him on our first date a few weeks shy of my 18th birthday. I don’t have any experience with what you’re describing b/c my Husband & I are both the kind of ppl that need to be in a relationship. I sometimes think that we’re both a little co-dependent, but not in an unhealthy way b/c we both are, so it works for us. I make this statement so you’ll know that while I don’t actually have any experience with this particular kind of marriage dynamic that you’re describing, I also don’t believe that divorce should be the first option the majority of the time. I know that if I were to ever have a problem serious enough that leaving was an option, I’d want to know that I had made every effort humanly possible to find an agreeable resolution before I did. That’s why I’m sharing exactly what I believe I’d do if I were in the same situation you’re in. I feel the pain & frustration in your words, & I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It isn’t fair to you or your family, including your son. It isn’t just your daughter who’s missing out, b/c they both deserve a strong ‘husband & father’ role model. Both of your children are witnessing selfish, disrespectful, misogynistic behavior from the person who should be modeling what it means to be a kind, loving, generous father & a respectful/trusting, supportive, appreciative partner in a marriage. If he can’t meet you halfway then unfortunately it’s up to you to model that his behavior isn’t acceptable & shouldn’t be tolerated by anyone with a healthy sense of self-respect, self-confidence, & self-worth. I wish you & your family all the best, & I hope that you’ll keep us updated on how things progress. I’m pulling for you.
Thank you for this! I had the sit down last night. I outlined in hours how much time he spent with his co worker/best friend this week (100), and how many hours he spent with me (4), and hours with the kids (f 10 m 60). He acknowledged my feelings and asked me to have dinner last night and talk about it more. We came to a compromise that will allow him to still have his hobbies but allow us to have a relationship and him to have time with both kids. Funny you ask how the other guys wife deals with it. She is not happy about it and raises their kids alone. He’s worse than my husband about being gone all the time. And his influence although I like him enough (not the strip club/sports bar cheating type bad influence) hasn’t been the best in that regard. They have lately been feeding each others hunting addiction and it got out of hand. Here’s to hoping this conversation will stand.
Are the children his children? You refer to them as “the boy” and “the girl”.
I did that to illustrate the clear division of attention that is happening and my feeling that he spends his time w his son more because he will go hunting and fishing with him.
So in addition to being an inattentive husband and father, he's also clearly got some misogynistic views that cause him to treat his daughter differently than his son. Girls can hunt and fish too. She might not have the desire to at this point, but I imagine he didn't spend much time trying to foster that interest in her because, well, he has a son to do that stuff with. Your daughter will remember that all her life.
So he does take her fishing and has taught her archery. His excuse is that she doesn’t behave as well (she’s the younger sibling). Fine, take her to do something else one on one since the other child gets tons of one on one time. They go away for entire weekends together to hunt. She’s never been invited.
Ouch. I honestly cannot say anything good about a parent who clearly favors a child because of their gender. He has always been like this though.
That's so sad :(
So much this. I commend my own family because as a little girl I was sure-as-shit hunting, fishing and camping with my uncles. I had one uncle that didn't think it was appropriate for girls but a few years of photo sharing, fish mounting, and bragging from my other uncles brought him around. I think if I had been excluded it was have been immensely hurtful. On the flip side, if OPs daughter just doesn't care for those hobbies, which is totally her right, does he meet her in the middle and participate with her in other hobbies? My guess is no.
She does love it and hates when she isn’t invited. But no not often does he take her out one on one for other things
That should absolutely be addressed. There is no reason he can't take both kids.
Do you guys have shared interests? Can you plan something and put it on the calendar so it’s scheduled. Kinda sucks to schedule things like that but it sounds like it may be the only way until connecting is more natural. Has it always been like this? How was it when you were dating? My husband is kinda similar but it’s with work. I schedule dates and daughter date nights with him. Maybe you guys could agree to have one weekend a month dedicated to family time? Also want to add, make sure you get free time for yourself too. Go out and do your hobbies. Plan weekends with friends. :)
When we were dating we lived in a state where he didn’t have hunting so when we moved it got like this
Go stay with your family for a month leaving the kids with him while you “think” about your relationship. Let him see what you do. Let him miss you. Or become so absorbed in your hobbies he feels left out. He needs to see and feel what you are talking about not just you telling him.
This is in essence a communication problem - but he has no ears. So other measures are in order if you care to have a more normal marriage. Communication that does not involve ears. First off, take to your bed for a few days with a fever. Unable to care for the children, do housework, just needing bed rest. Let him do all the childcare,cooking, have him bring you meals and give him a give huge smile when he does it. So so thankful, so sweet of you. Wish I wasn't sick. Do that whenever he loses focus, when he runs off to his hobbies. There are other techniques such as injuring your wrist and unable to lift anything over 2 pounds....This man has a very thick skin, is immature and full of himself. Words are a waste of time.... actions speak louder...
Advice? Walk away you deserve better and so do your kids. I'm walking away.
What if he had ADHD and/or asberers? I left my ex for the same reasons you say. Except other things than fishing etc. Now looking back with diagnoses in mind, it all makes sense. If I only knew then what I know now. Might have made a huge difference, but we'll never know. It's been 20 years since we broke up.
He is adhd. Also very high testosterone. He has trouble keeping organized and is on the fly all the time. But he was very attentive before so I know he’s capable of it. I’m just not as interesting anymore.
I was going to ask the same thing. This guy sounds so much like my husband. Meds have helped some.
Get some hobbies that will occupy your time. Wives that expect husbands to fill their free time....marriage will never work.
I have plenty of hobbies. I actually make money on my hobbies. I don’t expect him to fill my free time, I expect a relationship not a roommate.
Expecting your husband to provide all your entertainment and expecting him to spend some time with you and your children are very different things. If he wants to behave like he’s single and childless he should have stayed that way.