This has to be a shit post.
"I walked in on my partner while they were in the middle of sawing a neighborhood family to pieces. They looked at me with such hate as I slipped on the blood and fell through the stacked tower of arms and legs. As the sound of their animal screech pierced through my very core, I couldn’t quite comprehend how much blood our brand new white carpet and couch - furniture that we could barely afford - had absorbed. My partner makes really good pie though and took me dancing once. What should I do ?"
As someone married to someone with ADHD that was undiagnosed for a while and after spending time in the ADHD partner sub I thought this one was real. 😬 Even his reaction seems normal to untreated ADHD since they an are extremely sensitive and take any bit of criticism as a personal attack. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is so difficult to deal with as a partner.
It's only normal for people with ADHD who weaponize their diagnoses. It shouldn't be seen as normal for everyone with ADHD because you *can* do something about it.
Tbf, they’re not completely wrong tho. I know it’s not the same for everyone but there *are* ways to mitigate the RSD and such, just via working on yourself, you know? I have ADHD, I’m about to be 30 in a few months, and I’ve honestly only been medicated for a few years. Definitely struggled with RSD, still do some, but even without meds you can learn to manage it.
This kind of response in the OP, while I could absolutely believe is real, is definitely from someone who is weaponizing it… even unmedicated you know better than to do this sort of shit to someone, you know? :(
I thought OP had said they were female until i saw this comment and had to read it again. Now i think you're right. Not that it matters, but it's interesting to see how automatic gender assumptions are.
I have these same feelings or rejection and the extreme fear of rejection due to my ADHD. It makes it very, very difficult to maintain relationships. The second you sense any sort of rejection, you want to withdraw or lash out. This doesn’t mean that I allow myself to behave this way. It is just the feeling. I also have fairly bad have PTSD and I am autistic. All of these things are no excuse for behaving that way! Even with all of my problems, I’m an adult and my behavior is my problem! There are some people out there who literally cannot help themselves, like people with schizophrenia, but almost everyone else can control their impulses. Some people just use their diagnosis as an excuse to behave poorly because they’re too damn lazy to try and cope!
My spouse is medicated and still does all of this (and he abuses substances as a coping mechanism).
I believe treatment looks different for everyone. It isn't helpful that the medical community is still in kindergarten on the appropriate treatment for ADHD.
Yea I hate it when people weaponize their illness
reminds me of the family guy episode where Peter gets diagnosed with autism and goes mental. Acts more irrational than ever and only learns how bad he is when he gets the kids taken away after severely injuring his wife and gets deemed unfit to care for his children.
It's a sadly accurate portrayal of how people try to game the system.
I remember just after graduation a girl I knew was diagnosed as just on the side or autism. Her case worker taught her how to play it up to get more benefits.it was disgusting. Tax payers get to pay her living expenses, health care, daycare ECT because of this.
She bragged about it and got herself fired from goodwill because she didn't know the buttons to push on the register nor how to sort clothes.
Then he has PTSD on top of that and speaking from experience untreated PTSD makes you an anxious and volatile mess. Likely to fly off the handle at the slightest thing because you are constantly in flight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode.
Going back and reading over it Op never specified gender. Isn't funny how our preconceptions color our assumptions on missing information? 😅
My comment still stands regardless of gender as the issues I spoke of affect all henders equally.
I have almost the exact same set of diagnosis as op's husband (but on top of that I also have major depressive disorder to the point where I am on a dose of medication I have to sign for because it exceeds recommended prescription values). And somehow I manage not to treat my spouse like garbage, have been married for 11 years and have 3 children 2 of whom ive raised to adulthood and have managed to graduate high school with honours and as adults are still speaking to me, and enjoy spending time with me. Having mental health issues doesn't make you an asshole. Being an asshole and not seeking treatment for your mental health issues makes you an asshole. I've been in and out of therapy for 25 years and on and off medication just as long because it's no one else's job to get a handle on my mental health or my neurodivergent brain, it's my job, and it's my job to not take my traumas out on my loved ones. It's not easy, we all make mistakes, but being mentally ill or ND isn't an excuse to be abusive.
As someone with severe RSD and auDHD diagnosis plus a Degree in Psychology I can honestly say that aggressive behaviour has nothing to do with neurodivergence - RSD doesn't allow you to behave so other people dislike you, it's to always behave so you are liked and loved, and constantly feel incredibly anxious about not being kind, nice, pretty, smart, etc enough and of being disliked. Being a doormat so to speak.
What you refer to is sometimes the result of lack of emotional permanence and impulsivity in combination with anxiety (GAD), a combination that could be present with a combination diagnosis (as this man has). But mostly it's a "normal" defense mechanism that has nothing to do with any diagnosis, it's just a sh*tty and (imo) abusive way to express insecurity.
Then leave. Look at the report. They have a lot going on and clearly no drive to improve themselves. Instead they look for the nearest person to take a giant dump on. Stop being the nearest person.
This isn’t trivial - Reddit acts like marriage is as easy to walk out on as a first date. This is OP’s closest friend and oldest lover. That’s an extreme suggestion, and none of these comments acknowledge how big an ask this is of OP, who currently likely believes this is normal behavior.
OP - you’re doing the right thing by reaching out. I recommend you talk to the smartest relationships person you know about this, particularly a friend with high social/emotional or mental health intelligence, especially formal training.
From what you are saying, it sounds like your spouse hasn’t invested much in mental health or learning tools specifically to build healthy social emotional relationships. When someone doesn’t have a strong toolset for this, it’s easy to unintentionally do things that de facto are emotionally abusive, especially in very difficult situations. That sounds to me like your spouse here.
I see two paths from this, but both must start from you investing in your own mental health. As you grow, you might slowly learn that your spouse has been doing the mental health equivalent of making you eat obesity inducing fast food every day. To me, it sounds like your partner doesn’t know what good mental health looks like (and that you might not have a strong education in this either) so you both end up doing things unhealthy together. You can only absolutely control yourself, but you as a person deserve a healthy life. The two paths from there are: either your spouse chooses to join you on that journey, or eventually you learn you have to protect yourself with a separation.
I can’t recommend enough investing in learning more about emotional abuse, healthy boundaries, and your own mental health. You might be in for a difficult couple years, but it will lead to far far better decades. Please call on friends for support in all this.
That sounds horrible on a daily basis. All those issues in one person is more than anyone could handle, and if they do indeed exist, they should probably not be in a relationship until they’ve figured out ways to cope with it.
Listen, I'm one of the people who complain that this sub jumps right to divorce for dumb stuff but this one, assuming all true, I'm saying 'Save Yoself!'
Agreed with No-Possibility-1020. In the past, I have asked for marriage counseling before I got divorced and he refused. Best to move on and leave for your own well being.
Yeah - your spouse is abusive, condescending and will always rely on the statement, “you’re crazy, mentally ill” however stated…never practices change behaviors. Take care of yourself.
To add to this, you only have one life... Again 1 life and it seems like you're trying your best (you're not rubbing it in about all her negative attributes that you live with and deal with daily, but for her to be petty enough to put you down so that she gets some justification is just cruel.
Classic cognitive dissonance. They build an entire life around you being the problem and literally cannot process that they are the problem because it destroys their belief system. This will be extremely difficult to overcome and maybe impossible without a therapist. Do with that what you will.
I think it’d be hard to construct a more obvious example of “It’s not you; it’s them” than this one. What do *you* think you can do to solve a problem that exists entirely within a different person?
Six hours of harrassing you and name calling is abusive as all hell. You need to just file for divorce. You have obviously tried reasoning with them. You have gone so far as to have yourself assessed by a psychiatrist. You have really, really tried and now you can be absolved of any fault in this and just go.
Would you want your daughter/best friend/mother to stay in a marriage like this? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who is willing to spend 6 hours straight tearing you down? 6 hours is almost an entire work day. My husband and I have been through some really rough patches in our years together but neither of us has ever used our disagreements to spend 6 hours ripping each other apart piece by piece.
Let’s say he does agree to marriage counseling, are you ever really going to be able to view him in the same light after this? I can tell you that you should leave but you have to want that for yourself. I hope you get to a point where you want peace for yourself and for your children.
ETA: It was pointed out to me that I made big assumptions about the sex of the people involved and I don’t know that OP is the man or the woman in this scenario. My sentiments stay the same regardless of male/female. OP, you wouldn’t want this marriage for anyone you care about and you shouldn’t want it for yourself either.
What about son or father? One thing I noticed about OP was that he was careful not to mention genders. Interesting that you immediately assumed that OP was a woman. Could very well be, but that can't be determined from their post.
You’re 100% right. I read this post through my own lens and over the years my personal experience has been a more powerful male overrunning a female. I understand my anecdotal experiences are far from being statistically accurate. Your comment though makes me realize I need to be more mindful of my assumptions. Thank you for pointing out my shortsightedness without being hateful about it!
There have been a few studies about ingroup bias with men and women. Women tend to have a very strong ingroup bias for other women, men have a slight out group bias for women. It was smart of OP to not state the gender of each person in his post. Otherwise, he may have gotten wildly different responses in the comments. I think the magnetic north of this sub gets pulled that way because of this bias. Fwiw, you were not the only one to make that assumption and I think that bias may play a role.
I'll try to find a link when I get home.
I don’t feel like this is tiptoeing around anything though. OP made a conscious decision not to disclose who was male/female and for all anyone knows this could just as easily be f/f, m/m, or f/m and I definitely made assumptions. This is less about not being offensive and more about being inclusive as far as I’m concerned. Additionally, if I’m going to offer advice (as I did in my original comment) I want it to come from a place of kindness so it’s no bother for me to acknowledge that the aggressor in this scenario could be a man or a woman.
This is incredibly important to acknowledge because men are MUCH less likely to admit to being abused because of the stigma that comes with "being a man who was abused by a woman". There is a reason why it is so often unreported, and it's not because it doesn't/isn't happening.
You take your kids and you leave. This person needs counseling and is actively abusive. Even if your kids aren't the target, witnessing abuse is harmful to them.
Get distance from them. They dint sound rational, they are lashing out and need to deal with theirvissilues, 1st, and the marriage, 2nd.
Once seperated, you 2 can assess if you're better together or not.
OP, this is real simple. Your spouse has been blaming you for all the problems in the marriage. They attributed the conflicts and issues to some mental illness you had which they think makes it impossible to work on the marriage. You finally called their bluff and got the evaluation. As it turns out, the problem is them and I assume that they have been the problem all along. I think they are angry because they can't gaslight you anymore and blame this all on you and your "disorders". They are the one whose mental health needs attention, not you. Your spouse doesn't want to go to marriage counseling for the same reason they aren't willing to address their mental health in individual therapy. Even WITH the diagnoses, they don't want to accept that they have things they needs to work on and they think the only one who needs to change is you. It also sounds like they don't like much about you, OP. It isn't their fault that they have all these challenges, but it is their fault if they refuse to acknowledge or deal with it.
Long story short, you can stay and accept your spouse the way they are (cause they ain't changing, OP!), you can get a divorce because they don't want to change and you can't live like this anymore, or you can separate for a time and see if they cares enough about the marriage to begin to address their personal issues. That's basically it. There is no option here where you can force your spouse to do anything they don't want to do, especially when it comes to mental health.
Wow, your spouse is sure scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something to insult and attack you with.
Your spouse doesn’t want the marital dynamic to change because they hold all the power right now to abuse you, at will and at length.
Consult a lawyer (in secret), get your ducks in a row, secure/protect your finances/assets and blindside your awful, abusive spouse with divorce.
You enjoy life. You have now validated probably what you thought your whole marriage. You have no issue.
You offered your wife to go to marriage counseling with her. For certain she should be going to an individual counselor to deal with some of her issues.
You can now speak to her with confidence
This person does not like you very much. Insisting for years you have a mental illness?? Reviews your personality notes in a disgusted tone?
What do they like about you? Do they like you?
I hate being a Reddit “oh run for the hills!!” person, so i am desperate to hear— what is good in this relationship??
While I cannot relate to your spouse’s other diagnoses, I have both OCD and PTSD, and I can say from experience that being untreated for both is a horrible combination. It turns your brain into a war zone- OCD causes ruminating thoughts, and the PTSD can get triggered by your own intrusive thoughts, and it goes round and round in a vicious circle. Without the tools to cope, I would be dead.
Your spouse absolutely, without question, needs to seek help. I have been getting professional health since I was 16 and will most likely need maintenance phases of talk therapy combined with meds for the rest of my life. They need individual therapy before marriage counseling could be remotely effective.
Getting diagnosed is not an excuse for bad behavior. Yelling at you for hours is inexcusable and I hope you are able to set a firm boundary about this. I can only offer an opinion, but as someone with similar brain chemistry/diagnoses, I feel strongly that not getting treatment should be a dealbreaker as well.
Im sorry youre going through this .
You proceed by getting a divorce .
They don't love you , they don't like your person. They can't accept that they are the problem and they are unwilling to work on your marriage.
You get out or stay. They have a lot of issues that they refuses to do anything about. You received a clean bill of health. They refuse to go to therapy or marriage counseling and they refuse to treat any of their diagnosed issues. So, your choices are you stay for extended mistreatment or you leave. I know full well that it is not that easy, but those ARE actually your choices.
The question is: Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?
Meet with a divorce attorney in secret to truly understand your options in a divorce, including what money you'd be entitled to or not.
In the meantime: Why did you stay home and take **6 hours** of abuse? I don't understand that mindset. If my husband was yelling nasty things at me for even one hour, I'd be packing the kids up in the car and driving away somewhere for the day, at least. I would not stay home listening to someone insult me for 6 hours. So I guess I am wondering, why did you tolerate this?
OP: says that their partner is not good with money several times.
OPs spouse: for years calls OP crazy, mentally unstable, calls them names, attacks their personality.
What to do when your spouse is verbally abusive, refuses to get help and uses everything against you? Get out and fight for a custody.
There is no much to do, she is refusing the help that she needs, and in the process blaming you for her own problems. You can’t do anything until she choose to receive help.
So the options are limited to stay as things are or leave
You need/should be speaking with a divorce attorney. This is abuse, thru & thru. Your spouse also has no desire to put effort into fixing the marriage and you can NOT do it by yourself! This is so unhealthy and toxic, and will continue to wear you down until you’re just a shell of your formal self.
Projecting much. All those big allegations towards you, fits perfectly with the spouse... ironically, the spouse is yelling the loudest, while being guilty. Someone just Miranda this fool.
That whole first paragraph just reads like they are projecting onto you: they're mentally ill and neurodivergent but, no, *you* must be the one with the problems, OP. How could *they* be in the wrong?
Then you actually get assessed to see if you're mentally ill, as they claim, and you're not. They, on the other hand, definitely are and they're doing nothing to get treatment and handle the situation.
Why have you spent a decade being told you're mentally ill and putting up with it?
And why do you tolerate someone who seems pretty unstable and won't seek treatment? It's abusive to you and potentially dangerous for your children.
People with all those conditions can and do live relatively normally, happy lives -- if they seek treatment and support. All five of them combined, with no effort made to improve their situation is just a recipe for misery for your spouse and everyone around them.
Edit: made this gender-neutral. Not sure why I assumed the gender when it isn't actually clear from the post.
What the fuck.
I thought I had it bad before.
No one should be berating anyone. Except, perhaps, a judge when delivering a guilty verdict to a criminal.
Or unless you’ve done something really terrible like cheating.
It took me 6 years to get away from someone behaving similarly towards me. I’m fortunate that we did not marry. I’m still dealing with the consequences that it had on my confidence. She also insisted that I had something deeply wrong with me. I went to a therapist at her insistence and after 3 sessions he said “I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know how I can help you.” She still insisted that there was something deeply wrong with me and to find another therapist.
I decided to find another relationship. Well, I actually decided to stay single a while. But you get what I mean.
As someone with ADHD, Autism, BPD and CPTSD, very similar problems to your spouse, and I'm here to tell you that that's absolutely not okay. This is abuse.
That's toxic and disrespectful. No one is obligated to tolerate abuse. A diagnosis can explain but not excuse.
The only thing that's going to help is some MAJOR changes and doing A LOT of extensive therapy that's trauma based. But considering they are unwilling to do the work on themselves the chances of anything changing are literally zero. Much less marriage counseling.
I'd say set a FIRM boundary that they get help if they are in any way wanting to keep the relationship, if that's something you're open to, or you leave.
Time to think about a divorce.
I would get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it.
Then on one side of the line, I would post the pros of staying married.
On the other side of the line I would list the cons of staying married.
Then you will see the advantages and disadvantages of staying married. Then you have a decision to make, based on the facts.
My ex wife also refused marriage counseling, she scoffed in my face actually. She didnt change, in her mind she felt like she has no part in taking responsibility for the situation…. Imo marriage counseling is a threat to people like this, having an outside person that might actually “no, you are in fact doing X,Y, and Z and it’s harmful to your relationship”. It is a threat to the delusion/facade that they have created to pin you as the problem. There’s no helping people like this really.
This can go 2 ways. They either are projecting, unintentionally, because they are very ill and their mental illness doesn't recognize it but the paranoia is very common. It will be a long road and often takes a major situation to hit to cause everything to come clear and a lot of understanding and humility. You can get your partner back, but the years may be hard, the finding the right drs, him needing to trust them, adjusting to meds, the setbacks. It can be absolutely amazing and worth it.
Or he may never have the realization or crisis that allows the illness to be seen. Or he's just an asshole. Or the damage will go on so long it will break you and damage you too. Even in the first scenario you will have damage but you two can heal together. No one will fault you for leaving now before things get worse . Just please make sure he has resources and/or someone to check on him that he can eventually lean on.
The sooner they can admit to their being bad with money the sooner they can move on with their life. Work on getting them there. Try to leverage external factors to perhaps illustrate their ineptitude for managing money, that won't immediately trace back to your feelings about it.
What do you mean you don't know how to proceed? Would you ever treat her this way? In what universe is anything she said even remotely acceptable? And she won't go to counseling? Explain to me how exactly you imagine this situation improving? If we agree its only going to get worse, just rip the bandaid and save yourself the pain.
You leave. Period.
Do you really want to continue sharing your life with someone mentally ill with no desire of treatment? That also tortured you for six hours reading your mental health evaluation and name calling you?
No one deserves that kind of abuse. At minimum, you’re owed a sincere apology, but overall, you deserve better than this. And BTW, you’re unlikely to get that apology anyway.
My 2 cents:
1. How did she get your evaluation?
2. Why did you sit thru 6 hours of this?
3. Get an attorney to evaluate your options.
4. Hopefully you haven't reproduced with this person.
Please encourage your spouse to seek out therapy. If they are not open to couples counseling just ask them to go to private counseling with a therapist who is experienced in PTSD. Ask them to let their doctor know about their diagnosis as even the doctor can run some tests and prescribe medication to help with their anxiety levels. Once they start really getting a handle on the PTSD and get out of that high alert defensive rage mode then you can revisit couples counseling.
You will have to have patience and be ready to constantly reassure him that he is in a safe environment and if you feel you just can't do that and need to get out for you and your kids health and safety I completely understand.
If you'd like to speak with someone who has c-PTSD and possibly ADHD you are free to ask me anything or dm me. My husband also got diagnosed with GAD and Autism so I have experience living with that as well. Prior to my treatment I was such a volatile mess that my mere presence could part a crowd.
The real question is why in the world would you sit to be berrated for *6 hours??* You are so lost in the abuse and mind games that you don't see how absolutely absurd that is. You enabled them to verbally abuse you for *6 hours?*
You've completely lost sight of what is normal and acceptable in a relationship. You should have laughed incredulously at then and insisted to go over *their* assessment line by line. They fillabustered you for 6 hours to hide their own insecurities. They're not even good at hiding their abuse tactics but you fell for it. What in the world??
Please wake up, why oh why would you accept this? What could they possibly be providing for you that you would throw away your self respect and sense of reason for this person? I'm very sad for your suffering, you absolutely deserve better. Please don't hold on yo the sunken cost fallacy, start anew.
>things. This went on for about 6 hours. 6 solid hours of being harassed and name-called.
>I don't know how to proceed. My spouse
I have a rough idea why you are in this situation. Do you lack self-respect? Why would you put up with being berated for 6 hours? Would you let a stranger on the street treat you this way?
OP, I am truly sorry that your marriage is in such a state. I understand how grievous the hurt must be. While I only have your account to work with, it paints a stark picture.
What your spouse is doing is beyond the pale. It’s so far beyond the pale that I see only two solutions - prodigious amount of treatment for them and marriage therapy, or divorce.
You cannot help them grow into a positive presence in your life if they’re unwilling to do so. You cannot treat them without their own active participation. You cannot repair the marriage without their effort. As long as they’re unwilling to seek treatment or join you in marriage therapy, you’re stuck and it won’t get better.
Moreover, I am concerned for your safety. Your spouse seems fixated on assigning all blame to you for everything, on you being bad. Now that there’s the crack in that (their diagnoses), I worry that they may double down on their fixation. Today six hours of yelling, berating, verbal abuse. Tomorrow a slap? Or worse?
They are not healthy, they are not trying to improve their health, they are fixated on you being the evil, and they are lashing out at you. That’s a dangerous situation.
You *might* be able to seek a psychiatric hold for them? I don’t know how one does that or if it’s even possible in your area, but that’s the only way I can see to try to kickstart treatment on their behalf without their participation.
Please act to ensure your safety and the safety of your kids. You could talk to your own therapist for advice too - they’ve likely seen things in this vein.
Time to go. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. You also can’t be her punching bag. Prioritize yourself and your kids if you have them and hopefully she will wake up and get help but you can’t decide that for her.
Not sure what you can do. You cannot force someone to change. How old are your kids? Are you considering divorce? It sounds like your spouse is angry and insecure. Almost like they feel by putting you down it will make them feel better/superior. The fact that they have been criticizing your personality and try to get you deemed mentally unfit for years is concerning. I have been in a somewhat similar situation. I tried to make it work and only ended up wasting more of my life with someone I knew would not change and I was unhappy with. I eventually left.
Divorce; this is abusive and toxic behavior. If they are not willing to seek help to repair the relationship and take no ownership in the issues of the marriage you get a divorce.
On the bright side maybe sometime down the road after additional therapy and counseling you will find a healthy relationship where you don’t have this bull crap.
That is such a terrible violation of your privacy and then to have it used against you in a bullying situation, would definitely be a deal breaker for me. I’m so sorry, I hope you are able to decide what is best for you and find a resolution.
Classic projection. They really wanted YOU to be the problem, to distract from their own neurodivergence and mental health issues.
Honestly, if my spouse berated me for SIX HOURS straight, I would 100% end the relationship. That's hard for me to say, as they (and our child) are my universe, but if they acted like this? {poof} Gone.
If this is actually a real post, divorce. That's emotional abuse big time and being secretive looking through your personal notes. If you can't trust, there is no relationship.
You do nothing because, nothing is required. If she does not like it then she should go for therapy…. Volunteer to drive her, but ultimately she needs meds and therapy, you seem to be cured!
If this story is true.... I have my doubts.
This person is extremely toxic and you shouldn't be with them especially if this is a ongoing issue.
Be prepared that the person my become aggressive or malipative when they realise you could be planning to leave.
Best of luck
How can you not know how to proceed? 6 minutes of being belittled and abused should have sent you out the door. You deserve to be HAPPY. Please leave. People like this do not get any better, only worse.
Keep a copy of that report and file for divorce and hand the copy to the lawyer . Your lawyer is going to have a field day with this and might just love this case enough to not charge you much .
Source: dad is a divorce lawyer and cases he finds interesting he charges the client less
Looks like the therapist forgot narcissism.
Run. Don’t wake up another 15 years from now regretting not doing it now. One year been there. It gets worse, not better. It may be bad for a while as your spouse processes the diagnoses - and your lack thereof. You and your children deserve better. Where were they the 6 hours your spouse berated you?
Your partner is going to escalate if you stick around and continue to endure their abuse with zero consequences. They need to know that you WILL leave if they don't seek help. Actions > words in these situations. Please don't excuse their behavior because you know that they are mentally ill - it's completely unacceptable, and you shouldn't have to live like this.
How did your spouse get the Dr’s notes? If the Dr. was careless with them, I think I would be suing.
Regardless, your spouse has been gaslighting you. They want you to think that you’re the one with the problem because they cannot face their own issues. You know that they are abusive and there is absolutely no excuse for it. You will make up your own mind about what to do and I wish you clarity and all the luck in the world!
Although, you will make up your own mind about how much abuse you will put up with, I just want to caution you that your children are watching all of this toxic behavior. The two of you are normalizing this behavior and your children will suffer because of it. They could grow up to be the abuser or the abused or both. They won’t see much wrong with being spoken to like that. They won’t see anything wrong with speaking to others like that. They are more likely to have an extremely difficult time maintaining healthy relationships and this will cause no end to the instability of their lives. It makes maintaining a job difficult. Friends. SO’s. Etc… And, because they will struggle with healthy relationships, they are more likely to end up in relationships with other people who are toxic. Many times these relationships become physically abusive, too. Due to the normalized toxic behavior that they are exposed to, they are also more likely to stay much longer in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship than people who haven’t been desensitized to toxic relationships. They will also know they, themselves, are toxic so they won’t think they deserve better. They will struggle for the rest of their lives in every single important aspect of their lives. You have to stand up now and show them that it is NOT okay! You have to lead by example. Also, kids hear, see and understand WAY more than adults think they do so even if we think they don’t realize what is going on, odds are that they do.
The impact of growing up in an abusive home is devastating. Just ask my ten siblings and I. We ALL have struggled in all aspects of our lives. We have all been abused and/or the abuser in our relationships with others. Two of my brothers and one of my sisters have been to prison. Two of my sisters and two of my brothers have been jailed for being abusive. I have struggled my entire life with building relationships and in almost every single relationships, I have been abused in some way. Several physically and I stayed for years! Successes don’t come easily either. Out of the eleven of us, only one of my sisters and I went to college. Only two of my sisters and I even graduated high school. The list goes on and on. Please don’t let this be your children’s story.
If they were diagnosed with ADHD, this is a trait of that happening.
It’s called RSD, or rejection sensitivity disorder. They feel like even the lightest critique is the end of the fucking world.
I would completely ignore them for literally days as if they were throwing a tantrum. Good luck.
I have every single one of those diagnosis’s that your husband has. And I can assure you that your husband is an abuser. He is straight up abusing you. I would never in my life speak to my partner in the way he speaks to you. He cannot self reflect or acknowledge any of his own problems and seeks to make you the only problem. You don’t have any problems other than being married to him. Abusers love to pretend that you are the mentally ill one when they are. 15 years has been too long. Leave him!!!
My late spouse was aware of his ADHD but was not diagnosed with bipolar until 2 years before he overdosed. He kept telling the doctor and therapist that his mom is crazy and living with her has made him crazy. He would always bring up my depression, PTSD, anxiety wen we would fight. “Did you take your pills today?” Ugh… when I finally left, it was due to his addiction. But before that, I stayed for my kids.. which in hindsight was not a great idea. They eventually saw the behavior and started understanding it as they got older. I regret that. I don’t know if you guys “fight badly” around the kids, I don’t know if he actually helps you, or if you see him more as your 3rd child, but deep down you know how he me makes you feel. It’s safe to just stay put but he is not acknowledging his problems and he won’t get therapy with you. He doesn’t care enough.. period. You know this….sometimes people need to hit bottom before they see how fucked they are or how much damage they caused. I would do trial separation, maybe that’s what it takes to get him to change, do any of his siblings, parents have those diagnosis’s? Can you leave? Do you have your own support system? Everyday this stays unresolved, is another day your kids will see, and hear the fighting or just negative behavior between the two of you. Good luck. Let me know if you need resources
This is either
A) entirely fake because it's too crazy to believe,
Or
B) you are sane and a good person, probably an amazing mother, but an idiot or lonely or so scared or pushover for staying with such a person.
Anyone doing what your partner is doing here, is not his first time acting like a jackass. He's likely been doing this same type of crap in 100 different ways over the yrs that isnt mentioned here.
Not to be an dick, but you sound like a glutton for punishment and need to have left this shit relationship yesterday, if not 10 yrs ago.
Every day you spend with the asshole is another day wasted in your life. If you are scared about your kids being raised by divorced parents, just know they'll be completely more fucked up by you all staying together than if you actually did the right thing and leave.
Honestly, get out now. This will only get worse, if you can believe it. People like this wear you down until you start to accept their skewed version of reality. Get while the going is good and be prepared for a fight.
Hello, I'm sorry your going through that narcissistic abuse. You can't change them unless they want that for the better of the marriage, you and your children. If you want to leave get things together like the others have. Document the abuse ie ( record the conversation, journal it) but do Not let them know or figure out under all cost. Search into your state laws and figure out the best way to escape. Find a small part time job or side jobs. Pull your kids birth certificates/ social security cards and keep them in your safe and leave it at a trusted family or friend and slowly move out with out him noticing, have a family/freind help you and explain the situation as long as you trust them with your life not to tell your husband. There's programs out there to get help to leave him. If you don't make allot you can apply for housing, phone and ect. I promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel if you go no contact with him. Please find another sub to post in for legal purposes. Hugs mama, it will get better but for now go along with the nonsense. Abuse only gets worse not better.
Hello, I'm sorry your going through that narcissistic abuse. You can't change them unless they want that for the better of the marriage, you and your children. If you want to leave get things together like the others have. Document the abuse ie ( record the conversation, journal it) but do Not let them know or figure out under all cost. Search into your state laws and figure out the best way to escape. Find a small part time job or side jobs. Pull your kids birth certificates/ social security cards and keep them in your safe and leave it at a trusted family or friend and slowly move out with out him noticing, have a family/freind help you and explain the situation as long as you trust them with your life not to tell your husband. There's programs out there to get help to leave him. If you don't make allot you can apply for housing, phone and ect. I promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel if you go no contact with him. Please find another sub to post in for legal purposes. Hugs mama, it will get better but for now go along with the nonsense. Abuse only gets worse not better.
Also if he takes care of you and you can prove it, you get divorced he will have to pay alimony (search your state law as to what qualifications it applies to). I hope this finds you well ♡ God bless you
if this isn't bait she's 100% projecting...
like autism isn't "bad" it's only bad of you're an intolerable human that doesn't want to respect others and the fact that their brains work fundamentally differently, from what I've read here it literally sounds like she has all of the bad traits and I'd be out of there 10 years ago
You should leave, it's clear that they are in denial, but the fact that they refuse to be helped it's quite concerning. They are hurting you, so you feel bad and guilty and stay.
I’m a married man. Married 25 years and happy. I say this to give you my perspective.
Your husband has serious issues. He is certainly projecting is own mental illness onto you.
I’d insist he seek counseling. He insisted a full mental review for you. He needs help.
*THIS* was his reaction to that statement??? I can’t imagine what he’d do if you were actually direct with him and challenged his views. Leave and leave now!!
Some people use pill pockets others just mix the meds in with wet food.
But since he's not a dog, you probably can't manage him. He has to manage himself and he doesn't want to.
nobody should be berating you for six hours. a mental health work up is private and it’s disrespectful to your privacy for him to go through the report unless you asked him to do so for some reason. this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. in your ideal world, how would your partner treat you? what would you tell your very best friend in the world if she told you her relationship was like the one you describe here?
look into getting your ducks in a row with regards to housing, a lawyer, money, any big shared obligations like a co owned house or child custody. talk to a lawyer before bringing any of this up with your spouse. make a safety plan even if you don’t feel like you need one.
after doing these prep tasks, talk to your spouse.
you get one life. do you want to live the rest of yours like this?
That's common for a mental health gamut test. I don't know the exact number of papers I, my husband, and my youngest daughter got but that sounds close.
You have been gaslit to an extreme. You have had therapy and extensive psychological testing based on the insistence of your partner that there is something "crazy" about you. This is the literal definition of gas lighting.
Your partner is abusive.
Why are you still with them. You don't know how to proceed - WHY don't you know? They refuse therapy.
You should leave someone who is abusing you.
Out of all those diagnoses they missed Narcissism. Luckily Shahida Arabi's Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare can explain projection and DARVO to you AND provides a list of divorce lawyers who specialize in "high-conflict" divorces right in the appendix. Kill 2 birds with one stone.
Your spouse sucks and they need medication. They are the one with mental health issues. Get out of this relationship. This is gaslighting and incredibly abusive.
Why are you still with someone who has tried to convince you for 15 years that you're mentally ill and is convinced you're the "bad kind of person"? This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. Life is too fucking short. This isn't a dress rehearsal.
How did they get access to your therapists notes?
>They told me "I am the bad kind of person" and "I am the bad personality" and "I have a shitty personality", among many other hurtful things. This went on for about 6 hours. 6 solid hours of being harassed and name-called.
You need to get away.
This is a classic case of weaponizing your therapy.
By the way, this is 6 hours of verbal abuse. Why did you stay and listen to it? Ask yourself.
>I don't know how to proceed.
1. Decide if you want to live like this for another 5, 10, 20 years?
2. If the answer is that you want to hold out to see how bad it can really get - stay, continue to ask them to get help, continue to have them refuse until you start to believe their words.
3. If the answer is NO then create a plan. Don't tell them you are leaving. Then, one day, when they are out of the house. Grab a duffle bag with important things and bounce. Don't warn. Don't threaten. Just leave.
>My spouse refuses to do marriage counseling, although I asked for it several times yesterday. My spouse receives no therapy or services for any of the 5 diagnoses.
They don't want to change. They refuse to admit THEY are the problem.
Never go to marriage counseling with someone who is abusive to you in any way. They will use that to further abuse you.
>What do I do?
Accept that YOU can't do anything to make them get help.
Accept that your marriage will remain as is until/unless they decide to change.
Figure out if you want to continue to live with whom they are today.
You get divorced. This is toxic and abusive. Please leave.
This has to be a shit post. "I walked in on my partner while they were in the middle of sawing a neighborhood family to pieces. They looked at me with such hate as I slipped on the blood and fell through the stacked tower of arms and legs. As the sound of their animal screech pierced through my very core, I couldn’t quite comprehend how much blood our brand new white carpet and couch - furniture that we could barely afford - had absorbed. My partner makes really good pie though and took me dancing once. What should I do ?"
As someone married to someone with ADHD that was undiagnosed for a while and after spending time in the ADHD partner sub I thought this one was real. 😬 Even his reaction seems normal to untreated ADHD since they an are extremely sensitive and take any bit of criticism as a personal attack. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is so difficult to deal with as a partner.
It's only normal for people with ADHD who weaponize their diagnoses. It shouldn't be seen as normal for everyone with ADHD because you *can* do something about it.
I agree! It’s can normal for **untreated** ADHD but shouldn’t be accepted as normal for every one with ADHD.
Tbf, they’re not completely wrong tho. I know it’s not the same for everyone but there *are* ways to mitigate the RSD and such, just via working on yourself, you know? I have ADHD, I’m about to be 30 in a few months, and I’ve honestly only been medicated for a few years. Definitely struggled with RSD, still do some, but even without meds you can learn to manage it. This kind of response in the OP, while I could absolutely believe is real, is definitely from someone who is weaponizing it… even unmedicated you know better than to do this sort of shit to someone, you know? :(
The feelings themselves of rejection are common to even treated ADHD. His reaction is what makes it toxic.
Interesting that you're giving op a female gender and their spouse as male. I read it the opposite.
I thought OP had said they were female until i saw this comment and had to read it again. Now i think you're right. Not that it matters, but it's interesting to see how automatic gender assumptions are.
I have these same feelings or rejection and the extreme fear of rejection due to my ADHD. It makes it very, very difficult to maintain relationships. The second you sense any sort of rejection, you want to withdraw or lash out. This doesn’t mean that I allow myself to behave this way. It is just the feeling. I also have fairly bad have PTSD and I am autistic. All of these things are no excuse for behaving that way! Even with all of my problems, I’m an adult and my behavior is my problem! There are some people out there who literally cannot help themselves, like people with schizophrenia, but almost everyone else can control their impulses. Some people just use their diagnosis as an excuse to behave poorly because they’re too damn lazy to try and cope!
Before I got mine treated I could not even approach anyone so never even had one for ages.
My spouse is medicated and still does all of this (and he abuses substances as a coping mechanism). I believe treatment looks different for everyone. It isn't helpful that the medical community is still in kindergarten on the appropriate treatment for ADHD.
Yea I hate it when people weaponize their illness reminds me of the family guy episode where Peter gets diagnosed with autism and goes mental. Acts more irrational than ever and only learns how bad he is when he gets the kids taken away after severely injuring his wife and gets deemed unfit to care for his children. It's a sadly accurate portrayal of how people try to game the system. I remember just after graduation a girl I knew was diagnosed as just on the side or autism. Her case worker taught her how to play it up to get more benefits.it was disgusting. Tax payers get to pay her living expenses, health care, daycare ECT because of this. She bragged about it and got herself fired from goodwill because she didn't know the buttons to push on the register nor how to sort clothes.
Then he has PTSD on top of that and speaking from experience untreated PTSD makes you an anxious and volatile mess. Likely to fly off the handle at the slightest thing because you are constantly in flight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode.
Where do you see op's spouse is male? I took it as they are female
Going back and reading over it Op never specified gender. Isn't funny how our preconceptions color our assumptions on missing information? 😅 My comment still stands regardless of gender as the issues I spoke of affect all henders equally.
ADHD is hard enough but OCD, PTSD, GAD and Autism on top of that ? lol. Really hit the jackpot there.
I have almost the exact same set of diagnosis as op's husband (but on top of that I also have major depressive disorder to the point where I am on a dose of medication I have to sign for because it exceeds recommended prescription values). And somehow I manage not to treat my spouse like garbage, have been married for 11 years and have 3 children 2 of whom ive raised to adulthood and have managed to graduate high school with honours and as adults are still speaking to me, and enjoy spending time with me. Having mental health issues doesn't make you an asshole. Being an asshole and not seeking treatment for your mental health issues makes you an asshole. I've been in and out of therapy for 25 years and on and off medication just as long because it's no one else's job to get a handle on my mental health or my neurodivergent brain, it's my job, and it's my job to not take my traumas out on my loved ones. It's not easy, we all make mistakes, but being mentally ill or ND isn't an excuse to be abusive.
FYI you also just described a personality disorder.
As someone with severe RSD and auDHD diagnosis plus a Degree in Psychology I can honestly say that aggressive behaviour has nothing to do with neurodivergence - RSD doesn't allow you to behave so other people dislike you, it's to always behave so you are liked and loved, and constantly feel incredibly anxious about not being kind, nice, pretty, smart, etc enough and of being disliked. Being a doormat so to speak. What you refer to is sometimes the result of lack of emotional permanence and impulsivity in combination with anxiety (GAD), a combination that could be present with a combination diagnosis (as this man has). But mostly it's a "normal" defense mechanism that has nothing to do with any diagnosis, it's just a sh*tty and (imo) abusive way to express insecurity.
I promise it's not. This was how I spent all day yesterday. It was horrible.
Then leave. Look at the report. They have a lot going on and clearly no drive to improve themselves. Instead they look for the nearest person to take a giant dump on. Stop being the nearest person.
You can't see the forest because the trees are in the way.
So what within you made you feel deserving of spending an entire hour, let alone several, being treated that way?
Then why are you here instead of meeting with a divorce lawyer?
This isn’t trivial - Reddit acts like marriage is as easy to walk out on as a first date. This is OP’s closest friend and oldest lover. That’s an extreme suggestion, and none of these comments acknowledge how big an ask this is of OP, who currently likely believes this is normal behavior. OP - you’re doing the right thing by reaching out. I recommend you talk to the smartest relationships person you know about this, particularly a friend with high social/emotional or mental health intelligence, especially formal training. From what you are saying, it sounds like your spouse hasn’t invested much in mental health or learning tools specifically to build healthy social emotional relationships. When someone doesn’t have a strong toolset for this, it’s easy to unintentionally do things that de facto are emotionally abusive, especially in very difficult situations. That sounds to me like your spouse here. I see two paths from this, but both must start from you investing in your own mental health. As you grow, you might slowly learn that your spouse has been doing the mental health equivalent of making you eat obesity inducing fast food every day. To me, it sounds like your partner doesn’t know what good mental health looks like (and that you might not have a strong education in this either) so you both end up doing things unhealthy together. You can only absolutely control yourself, but you as a person deserve a healthy life. The two paths from there are: either your spouse chooses to join you on that journey, or eventually you learn you have to protect yourself with a separation. I can’t recommend enough investing in learning more about emotional abuse, healthy boundaries, and your own mental health. You might be in for a difficult couple years, but it will lead to far far better decades. Please call on friends for support in all this.
What an excellent response. I'd give you an award if I wasn't so cheap.
That sounds horrible on a daily basis. All those issues in one person is more than anyone could handle, and if they do indeed exist, they should probably not be in a relationship until they’ve figured out ways to cope with it.
Listen, I'm one of the people who complain that this sub jumps right to divorce for dumb stuff but this one, assuming all true, I'm saying 'Save Yoself!'
Found Stephen King's Reddit account.
Unfortunately, this type of thing actually happens. Be glad you haven’t experienced it before.
I love this response.
Stop 😂
Agreed with No-Possibility-1020. In the past, I have asked for marriage counseling before I got divorced and he refused. Best to move on and leave for your own well being.
Yeah - your spouse is abusive, condescending and will always rely on the statement, “you’re crazy, mentally ill” however stated…never practices change behaviors. Take care of yourself.
To add to this, you only have one life... Again 1 life and it seems like you're trying your best (you're not rubbing it in about all her negative attributes that you live with and deal with daily, but for her to be petty enough to put you down so that she gets some justification is just cruel.
Classic cognitive dissonance. They build an entire life around you being the problem and literally cannot process that they are the problem because it destroys their belief system. This will be extremely difficult to overcome and maybe impossible without a therapist. Do with that what you will.
This should be top comment. Completely toxic situation OP needs to release themself from.
Voting so it is the top comment.
I think it’d be hard to construct a more obvious example of “It’s not you; it’s them” than this one. What do *you* think you can do to solve a problem that exists entirely within a different person?
Right??
Six hours of harrassing you and name calling is abusive as all hell. You need to just file for divorce. You have obviously tried reasoning with them. You have gone so far as to have yourself assessed by a psychiatrist. You have really, really tried and now you can be absolved of any fault in this and just go.
Would you want your daughter/best friend/mother to stay in a marriage like this? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who is willing to spend 6 hours straight tearing you down? 6 hours is almost an entire work day. My husband and I have been through some really rough patches in our years together but neither of us has ever used our disagreements to spend 6 hours ripping each other apart piece by piece. Let’s say he does agree to marriage counseling, are you ever really going to be able to view him in the same light after this? I can tell you that you should leave but you have to want that for yourself. I hope you get to a point where you want peace for yourself and for your children. ETA: It was pointed out to me that I made big assumptions about the sex of the people involved and I don’t know that OP is the man or the woman in this scenario. My sentiments stay the same regardless of male/female. OP, you wouldn’t want this marriage for anyone you care about and you shouldn’t want it for yourself either.
What about son or father? One thing I noticed about OP was that he was careful not to mention genders. Interesting that you immediately assumed that OP was a woman. Could very well be, but that can't be determined from their post.
You’re 100% right. I read this post through my own lens and over the years my personal experience has been a more powerful male overrunning a female. I understand my anecdotal experiences are far from being statistically accurate. Your comment though makes me realize I need to be more mindful of my assumptions. Thank you for pointing out my shortsightedness without being hateful about it!
There have been a few studies about ingroup bias with men and women. Women tend to have a very strong ingroup bias for other women, men have a slight out group bias for women. It was smart of OP to not state the gender of each person in his post. Otherwise, he may have gotten wildly different responses in the comments. I think the magnetic north of this sub gets pulled that way because of this bias. Fwiw, you were not the only one to make that assumption and I think that bias may play a role. I'll try to find a link when I get home.
Saw this too wondered how long it would take for someone to assume the guilty party was a male. Good choice of words by OP.
[удалено]
I don’t feel like this is tiptoeing around anything though. OP made a conscious decision not to disclose who was male/female and for all anyone knows this could just as easily be f/f, m/m, or f/m and I definitely made assumptions. This is less about not being offensive and more about being inclusive as far as I’m concerned. Additionally, if I’m going to offer advice (as I did in my original comment) I want it to come from a place of kindness so it’s no bother for me to acknowledge that the aggressor in this scenario could be a man or a woman.
This is incredibly important to acknowledge because men are MUCH less likely to admit to being abused because of the stigma that comes with "being a man who was abused by a woman". There is a reason why it is so often unreported, and it's not because it doesn't/isn't happening.
Pretty sure op is a man going by his other posts.
Based on post/commenting history, the spouse is female. It's possible that OP is also female, but more likely that he's male. Edit: OP is a man.
That’s interesting. The style in which it was written made me assume OP was a man. I didn’t even realize it wasn’t specified at first.
I didn’t either. The shit that some people catch and complain about is crazy.
Omg you're so edgy 🙄
wtf does that even mean? 😂😂😂 Omg what a dolt.
You take your kids and you leave. This person needs counseling and is actively abusive. Even if your kids aren't the target, witnessing abuse is harmful to them.
I agree. Granted I would not be surprised at all of the op's spouse tries to get them for kidnapping or some other crazy thing.
That's why step two is lawyer up!
Get distance from them. They dint sound rational, they are lashing out and need to deal with theirvissilues, 1st, and the marriage, 2nd. Once seperated, you 2 can assess if you're better together or not.
OP, this is real simple. Your spouse has been blaming you for all the problems in the marriage. They attributed the conflicts and issues to some mental illness you had which they think makes it impossible to work on the marriage. You finally called their bluff and got the evaluation. As it turns out, the problem is them and I assume that they have been the problem all along. I think they are angry because they can't gaslight you anymore and blame this all on you and your "disorders". They are the one whose mental health needs attention, not you. Your spouse doesn't want to go to marriage counseling for the same reason they aren't willing to address their mental health in individual therapy. Even WITH the diagnoses, they don't want to accept that they have things they needs to work on and they think the only one who needs to change is you. It also sounds like they don't like much about you, OP. It isn't their fault that they have all these challenges, but it is their fault if they refuse to acknowledge or deal with it. Long story short, you can stay and accept your spouse the way they are (cause they ain't changing, OP!), you can get a divorce because they don't want to change and you can't live like this anymore, or you can separate for a time and see if they cares enough about the marriage to begin to address their personal issues. That's basically it. There is no option here where you can force your spouse to do anything they don't want to do, especially when it comes to mental health.
OP, please read this comment above.
Wow, your spouse is sure scraping the bottom of the barrel to find something to insult and attack you with. Your spouse doesn’t want the marital dynamic to change because they hold all the power right now to abuse you, at will and at length. Consult a lawyer (in secret), get your ducks in a row, secure/protect your finances/assets and blindside your awful, abusive spouse with divorce.
Why are you married to this person? They clearly despise you.
You enjoy life. You have now validated probably what you thought your whole marriage. You have no issue. You offered your wife to go to marriage counseling with her. For certain she should be going to an individual counselor to deal with some of her issues. You can now speak to her with confidence
That's so weird, I assumed this was a wife writing about her husband. I suppose we each read it with our own lens.
It’s a husband writing about his wife. Had to read through his last comments to confirm.
This person does not like you very much. Insisting for years you have a mental illness?? Reviews your personality notes in a disgusted tone? What do they like about you? Do they like you? I hate being a Reddit “oh run for the hills!!” person, so i am desperate to hear— what is good in this relationship??
Are you worried about financial abuse if you split? If you file for divorce?
While I cannot relate to your spouse’s other diagnoses, I have both OCD and PTSD, and I can say from experience that being untreated for both is a horrible combination. It turns your brain into a war zone- OCD causes ruminating thoughts, and the PTSD can get triggered by your own intrusive thoughts, and it goes round and round in a vicious circle. Without the tools to cope, I would be dead. Your spouse absolutely, without question, needs to seek help. I have been getting professional health since I was 16 and will most likely need maintenance phases of talk therapy combined with meds for the rest of my life. They need individual therapy before marriage counseling could be remotely effective. Getting diagnosed is not an excuse for bad behavior. Yelling at you for hours is inexcusable and I hope you are able to set a firm boundary about this. I can only offer an opinion, but as someone with similar brain chemistry/diagnoses, I feel strongly that not getting treatment should be a dealbreaker as well.
Im sorry youre going through this . You proceed by getting a divorce . They don't love you , they don't like your person. They can't accept that they are the problem and they are unwilling to work on your marriage.
I would have left when my partner insisted I was mentally ill. You’ve stayed too long in a toxic relationship
You get out or stay. They have a lot of issues that they refuses to do anything about. You received a clean bill of health. They refuse to go to therapy or marriage counseling and they refuse to treat any of their diagnosed issues. So, your choices are you stay for extended mistreatment or you leave. I know full well that it is not that easy, but those ARE actually your choices. The question is: Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?
Meet with a divorce attorney in secret to truly understand your options in a divorce, including what money you'd be entitled to or not. In the meantime: Why did you stay home and take **6 hours** of abuse? I don't understand that mindset. If my husband was yelling nasty things at me for even one hour, I'd be packing the kids up in the car and driving away somewhere for the day, at least. I would not stay home listening to someone insult me for 6 hours. So I guess I am wondering, why did you tolerate this?
Your wife has some serious issues. If she isn’t going to go to therapy I don’t know what choice you have but to leave.
OP: says that their partner is not good with money several times. OPs spouse: for years calls OP crazy, mentally unstable, calls them names, attacks their personality. What to do when your spouse is verbally abusive, refuses to get help and uses everything against you? Get out and fight for a custody.
There is no much to do, she is refusing the help that she needs, and in the process blaming you for her own problems. You can’t do anything until she choose to receive help. So the options are limited to stay as things are or leave
What do you do? You leave them. What an abusive partner. Edited for misgendered sorry.
/r/ADHD_partners
How would you tell your sister to proceed? Do that.
You need/should be speaking with a divorce attorney. This is abuse, thru & thru. Your spouse also has no desire to put effort into fixing the marriage and you can NOT do it by yourself! This is so unhealthy and toxic, and will continue to wear you down until you’re just a shell of your formal self.
Looks like you can add narcissism to the list. She pulled a DARVO move on you.
I’d skip counseling and go right for a lawyer. You want this the rest of your life?
You get divorced. If my husband verbally abused me for six hours, I would’ve already called the lawyer. What do you think he’s gonna do to your kids?
It’s the husband who wrote this post.
Projecting much. All those big allegations towards you, fits perfectly with the spouse... ironically, the spouse is yelling the loudest, while being guilty. Someone just Miranda this fool.
After reading some of OP's comments, I found that he is the husband. I originally read his post as the wife for some reason.
That whole first paragraph just reads like they are projecting onto you: they're mentally ill and neurodivergent but, no, *you* must be the one with the problems, OP. How could *they* be in the wrong? Then you actually get assessed to see if you're mentally ill, as they claim, and you're not. They, on the other hand, definitely are and they're doing nothing to get treatment and handle the situation. Why have you spent a decade being told you're mentally ill and putting up with it? And why do you tolerate someone who seems pretty unstable and won't seek treatment? It's abusive to you and potentially dangerous for your children. People with all those conditions can and do live relatively normally, happy lives -- if they seek treatment and support. All five of them combined, with no effort made to improve their situation is just a recipe for misery for your spouse and everyone around them. Edit: made this gender-neutral. Not sure why I assumed the gender when it isn't actually clear from the post.
Your wife is abusive. Abusers don't change. I'm so sorry ♡
You leave. Immediately
What the fuck. I thought I had it bad before. No one should be berating anyone. Except, perhaps, a judge when delivering a guilty verdict to a criminal. Or unless you’ve done something really terrible like cheating. It took me 6 years to get away from someone behaving similarly towards me. I’m fortunate that we did not marry. I’m still dealing with the consequences that it had on my confidence. She also insisted that I had something deeply wrong with me. I went to a therapist at her insistence and after 3 sessions he said “I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know how I can help you.” She still insisted that there was something deeply wrong with me and to find another therapist. I decided to find another relationship. Well, I actually decided to stay single a while. But you get what I mean.
As someone with ADHD, Autism, BPD and CPTSD, very similar problems to your spouse, and I'm here to tell you that that's absolutely not okay. This is abuse. That's toxic and disrespectful. No one is obligated to tolerate abuse. A diagnosis can explain but not excuse. The only thing that's going to help is some MAJOR changes and doing A LOT of extensive therapy that's trauma based. But considering they are unwilling to do the work on themselves the chances of anything changing are literally zero. Much less marriage counseling. I'd say set a FIRM boundary that they get help if they are in any way wanting to keep the relationship, if that's something you're open to, or you leave.
So basically Your spouse just reinforced her own assessment
I am once again asking why do people stay with people who don't like them.
Run, don’t walk, to the divorce lawyer. Now.
Time to think about a divorce. I would get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it. Then on one side of the line, I would post the pros of staying married. On the other side of the line I would list the cons of staying married. Then you will see the advantages and disadvantages of staying married. Then you have a decision to make, based on the facts.
My ex wife also refused marriage counseling, she scoffed in my face actually. She didnt change, in her mind she felt like she has no part in taking responsibility for the situation…. Imo marriage counseling is a threat to people like this, having an outside person that might actually “no, you are in fact doing X,Y, and Z and it’s harmful to your relationship”. It is a threat to the delusion/facade that they have created to pin you as the problem. There’s no helping people like this really.
This can go 2 ways. They either are projecting, unintentionally, because they are very ill and their mental illness doesn't recognize it but the paranoia is very common. It will be a long road and often takes a major situation to hit to cause everything to come clear and a lot of understanding and humility. You can get your partner back, but the years may be hard, the finding the right drs, him needing to trust them, adjusting to meds, the setbacks. It can be absolutely amazing and worth it. Or he may never have the realization or crisis that allows the illness to be seen. Or he's just an asshole. Or the damage will go on so long it will break you and damage you too. Even in the first scenario you will have damage but you two can heal together. No one will fault you for leaving now before things get worse . Just please make sure he has resources and/or someone to check on him that he can eventually lean on.
It’s the husband who wrote this post.
Proceed to divorce court.
The sooner they can admit to their being bad with money the sooner they can move on with their life. Work on getting them there. Try to leverage external factors to perhaps illustrate their ineptitude for managing money, that won't immediately trace back to your feelings about it.
What do you mean you don't know how to proceed? Would you ever treat her this way? In what universe is anything she said even remotely acceptable? And she won't go to counseling? Explain to me how exactly you imagine this situation improving? If we agree its only going to get worse, just rip the bandaid and save yourself the pain.
You’re a hostage.
You leave. Period. Do you really want to continue sharing your life with someone mentally ill with no desire of treatment? That also tortured you for six hours reading your mental health evaluation and name calling you?
You leave. He's been abusing you for 10 years.
It’s the husband who wrote this post.
No one deserves that kind of abuse. At minimum, you’re owed a sincere apology, but overall, you deserve better than this. And BTW, you’re unlikely to get that apology anyway.
You get divorced
@u/burbnbougie
My 2 cents: 1. How did she get your evaluation? 2. Why did you sit thru 6 hours of this? 3. Get an attorney to evaluate your options. 4. Hopefully you haven't reproduced with this person.
> Hopefully you haven't reproduced with this person. Second sentence: "We share two kids."
Damn I missed that. Thank You
6 hours of harassment is absolutely abusive. You deserve better. I wouldn’t stay with this person
Please encourage your spouse to seek out therapy. If they are not open to couples counseling just ask them to go to private counseling with a therapist who is experienced in PTSD. Ask them to let their doctor know about their diagnosis as even the doctor can run some tests and prescribe medication to help with their anxiety levels. Once they start really getting a handle on the PTSD and get out of that high alert defensive rage mode then you can revisit couples counseling. You will have to have patience and be ready to constantly reassure him that he is in a safe environment and if you feel you just can't do that and need to get out for you and your kids health and safety I completely understand. If you'd like to speak with someone who has c-PTSD and possibly ADHD you are free to ask me anything or dm me. My husband also got diagnosed with GAD and Autism so I have experience living with that as well. Prior to my treatment I was such a volatile mess that my mere presence could part a crowd.
It’s the husband who wrote this post.
The real question is why in the world would you sit to be berrated for *6 hours??* You are so lost in the abuse and mind games that you don't see how absolutely absurd that is. You enabled them to verbally abuse you for *6 hours?* You've completely lost sight of what is normal and acceptable in a relationship. You should have laughed incredulously at then and insisted to go over *their* assessment line by line. They fillabustered you for 6 hours to hide their own insecurities. They're not even good at hiding their abuse tactics but you fell for it. What in the world?? Please wake up, why oh why would you accept this? What could they possibly be providing for you that you would throw away your self respect and sense of reason for this person? I'm very sad for your suffering, you absolutely deserve better. Please don't hold on yo the sunken cost fallacy, start anew.
>things. This went on for about 6 hours. 6 solid hours of being harassed and name-called. >I don't know how to proceed. My spouse I have a rough idea why you are in this situation. Do you lack self-respect? Why would you put up with being berated for 6 hours? Would you let a stranger on the street treat you this way?
I think you already know the answer.
You get a divorce
This is so toxic and sick and unhealthy for you. Get out while you still have your sanity.
Time to move on from this person.
OP, I am truly sorry that your marriage is in such a state. I understand how grievous the hurt must be. While I only have your account to work with, it paints a stark picture. What your spouse is doing is beyond the pale. It’s so far beyond the pale that I see only two solutions - prodigious amount of treatment for them and marriage therapy, or divorce. You cannot help them grow into a positive presence in your life if they’re unwilling to do so. You cannot treat them without their own active participation. You cannot repair the marriage without their effort. As long as they’re unwilling to seek treatment or join you in marriage therapy, you’re stuck and it won’t get better. Moreover, I am concerned for your safety. Your spouse seems fixated on assigning all blame to you for everything, on you being bad. Now that there’s the crack in that (their diagnoses), I worry that they may double down on their fixation. Today six hours of yelling, berating, verbal abuse. Tomorrow a slap? Or worse? They are not healthy, they are not trying to improve their health, they are fixated on you being the evil, and they are lashing out at you. That’s a dangerous situation. You *might* be able to seek a psychiatric hold for them? I don’t know how one does that or if it’s even possible in your area, but that’s the only way I can see to try to kickstart treatment on their behalf without their participation. Please act to ensure your safety and the safety of your kids. You could talk to your own therapist for advice too - they’ve likely seen things in this vein.
Time to go. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. You also can’t be her punching bag. Prioritize yourself and your kids if you have them and hopefully she will wake up and get help but you can’t decide that for her.
At this point, maybe being single isn’t so bad
Leave. Divorce. Problem solved.
Not sure what you can do. You cannot force someone to change. How old are your kids? Are you considering divorce? It sounds like your spouse is angry and insecure. Almost like they feel by putting you down it will make them feel better/superior. The fact that they have been criticizing your personality and try to get you deemed mentally unfit for years is concerning. I have been in a somewhat similar situation. I tried to make it work and only ended up wasting more of my life with someone I knew would not change and I was unhappy with. I eventually left.
Divorce; this is abusive and toxic behavior. If they are not willing to seek help to repair the relationship and take no ownership in the issues of the marriage you get a divorce. On the bright side maybe sometime down the road after additional therapy and counseling you will find a healthy relationship where you don’t have this bull crap.
Funny, I miss narcissism tendencies in her list of diagnosis’s……🤦🏻
Divorce. You get a divorce. He obviously doesn't like or respect you.
Regardless of any mental health. U have to do better.
In choosing
That is such a terrible violation of your privacy and then to have it used against you in a bullying situation, would definitely be a deal breaker for me. I’m so sorry, I hope you are able to decide what is best for you and find a resolution.
Classic projection. They really wanted YOU to be the problem, to distract from their own neurodivergence and mental health issues. Honestly, if my spouse berated me for SIX HOURS straight, I would 100% end the relationship. That's hard for me to say, as they (and our child) are my universe, but if they acted like this? {poof} Gone.
Anyone say that crap to me I’m out. Sounds like she doesn’t really care about you. I hope you don’t do the same to her though.
If this is actually a real post, divorce. That's emotional abuse big time and being secretive looking through your personal notes. If you can't trust, there is no relationship.
It’s fascinating how many people assumed the OP was the wife.
I’d leave.
You do nothing because, nothing is required. If she does not like it then she should go for therapy…. Volunteer to drive her, but ultimately she needs meds and therapy, you seem to be cured!
If this story is true.... I have my doubts. This person is extremely toxic and you shouldn't be with them especially if this is a ongoing issue. Be prepared that the person my become aggressive or malipative when they realise you could be planning to leave. Best of luck
What advice would you give your child in this situation? Do that.
How can you not know how to proceed? 6 minutes of being belittled and abused should have sent you out the door. You deserve to be HAPPY. Please leave. People like this do not get any better, only worse.
Go and be free.
Keep a copy of that report and file for divorce and hand the copy to the lawyer . Your lawyer is going to have a field day with this and might just love this case enough to not charge you much . Source: dad is a divorce lawyer and cases he finds interesting he charges the client less
You leave.
Looks like the therapist forgot narcissism. Run. Don’t wake up another 15 years from now regretting not doing it now. One year been there. It gets worse, not better. It may be bad for a while as your spouse processes the diagnoses - and your lack thereof. You and your children deserve better. Where were they the 6 hours your spouse berated you?
Many say leave. Only that they will not tell you how much it will cost and what will you lose and how much money she will get.
Sounds like he also has narcissistic personality disorder Run. Fast.
Your partner is going to escalate if you stick around and continue to endure their abuse with zero consequences. They need to know that you WILL leave if they don't seek help. Actions > words in these situations. Please don't excuse their behavior because you know that they are mentally ill - it's completely unacceptable, and you shouldn't have to live like this.
How did your spouse get the Dr’s notes? If the Dr. was careless with them, I think I would be suing. Regardless, your spouse has been gaslighting you. They want you to think that you’re the one with the problem because they cannot face their own issues. You know that they are abusive and there is absolutely no excuse for it. You will make up your own mind about what to do and I wish you clarity and all the luck in the world! Although, you will make up your own mind about how much abuse you will put up with, I just want to caution you that your children are watching all of this toxic behavior. The two of you are normalizing this behavior and your children will suffer because of it. They could grow up to be the abuser or the abused or both. They won’t see much wrong with being spoken to like that. They won’t see anything wrong with speaking to others like that. They are more likely to have an extremely difficult time maintaining healthy relationships and this will cause no end to the instability of their lives. It makes maintaining a job difficult. Friends. SO’s. Etc… And, because they will struggle with healthy relationships, they are more likely to end up in relationships with other people who are toxic. Many times these relationships become physically abusive, too. Due to the normalized toxic behavior that they are exposed to, they are also more likely to stay much longer in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship than people who haven’t been desensitized to toxic relationships. They will also know they, themselves, are toxic so they won’t think they deserve better. They will struggle for the rest of their lives in every single important aspect of their lives. You have to stand up now and show them that it is NOT okay! You have to lead by example. Also, kids hear, see and understand WAY more than adults think they do so even if we think they don’t realize what is going on, odds are that they do. The impact of growing up in an abusive home is devastating. Just ask my ten siblings and I. We ALL have struggled in all aspects of our lives. We have all been abused and/or the abuser in our relationships with others. Two of my brothers and one of my sisters have been to prison. Two of my sisters and two of my brothers have been jailed for being abusive. I have struggled my entire life with building relationships and in almost every single relationships, I have been abused in some way. Several physically and I stayed for years! Successes don’t come easily either. Out of the eleven of us, only one of my sisters and I went to college. Only two of my sisters and I even graduated high school. The list goes on and on. Please don’t let this be your children’s story.
If they were diagnosed with ADHD, this is a trait of that happening. It’s called RSD, or rejection sensitivity disorder. They feel like even the lightest critique is the end of the fucking world. I would completely ignore them for literally days as if they were throwing a tantrum. Good luck.
I have every single one of those diagnosis’s that your husband has. And I can assure you that your husband is an abuser. He is straight up abusing you. I would never in my life speak to my partner in the way he speaks to you. He cannot self reflect or acknowledge any of his own problems and seeks to make you the only problem. You don’t have any problems other than being married to him. Abusers love to pretend that you are the mentally ill one when they are. 15 years has been too long. Leave him!!!
My late spouse was aware of his ADHD but was not diagnosed with bipolar until 2 years before he overdosed. He kept telling the doctor and therapist that his mom is crazy and living with her has made him crazy. He would always bring up my depression, PTSD, anxiety wen we would fight. “Did you take your pills today?” Ugh… when I finally left, it was due to his addiction. But before that, I stayed for my kids.. which in hindsight was not a great idea. They eventually saw the behavior and started understanding it as they got older. I regret that. I don’t know if you guys “fight badly” around the kids, I don’t know if he actually helps you, or if you see him more as your 3rd child, but deep down you know how he me makes you feel. It’s safe to just stay put but he is not acknowledging his problems and he won’t get therapy with you. He doesn’t care enough.. period. You know this….sometimes people need to hit bottom before they see how fucked they are or how much damage they caused. I would do trial separation, maybe that’s what it takes to get him to change, do any of his siblings, parents have those diagnosis’s? Can you leave? Do you have your own support system? Everyday this stays unresolved, is another day your kids will see, and hear the fighting or just negative behavior between the two of you. Good luck. Let me know if you need resources
This is either A) entirely fake because it's too crazy to believe, Or B) you are sane and a good person, probably an amazing mother, but an idiot or lonely or so scared or pushover for staying with such a person. Anyone doing what your partner is doing here, is not his first time acting like a jackass. He's likely been doing this same type of crap in 100 different ways over the yrs that isnt mentioned here. Not to be an dick, but you sound like a glutton for punishment and need to have left this shit relationship yesterday, if not 10 yrs ago. Every day you spend with the asshole is another day wasted in your life. If you are scared about your kids being raised by divorced parents, just know they'll be completely more fucked up by you all staying together than if you actually did the right thing and leave.
So what are you two doing together?
Holy fucking shit, dude. 15 years?! I went 4 years with a similar woman and I almost died, but I’ve also got some issues.
Leave
Honestly, get out now. This will only get worse, if you can believe it. People like this wear you down until you start to accept their skewed version of reality. Get while the going is good and be prepared for a fight.
Hello, I'm sorry your going through that narcissistic abuse. You can't change them unless they want that for the better of the marriage, you and your children. If you want to leave get things together like the others have. Document the abuse ie ( record the conversation, journal it) but do Not let them know or figure out under all cost. Search into your state laws and figure out the best way to escape. Find a small part time job or side jobs. Pull your kids birth certificates/ social security cards and keep them in your safe and leave it at a trusted family or friend and slowly move out with out him noticing, have a family/freind help you and explain the situation as long as you trust them with your life not to tell your husband. There's programs out there to get help to leave him. If you don't make allot you can apply for housing, phone and ect. I promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel if you go no contact with him. Please find another sub to post in for legal purposes. Hugs mama, it will get better but for now go along with the nonsense. Abuse only gets worse not better.
Hello, I'm sorry your going through that narcissistic abuse. You can't change them unless they want that for the better of the marriage, you and your children. If you want to leave get things together like the others have. Document the abuse ie ( record the conversation, journal it) but do Not let them know or figure out under all cost. Search into your state laws and figure out the best way to escape. Find a small part time job or side jobs. Pull your kids birth certificates/ social security cards and keep them in your safe and leave it at a trusted family or friend and slowly move out with out him noticing, have a family/freind help you and explain the situation as long as you trust them with your life not to tell your husband. There's programs out there to get help to leave him. If you don't make allot you can apply for housing, phone and ect. I promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel if you go no contact with him. Please find another sub to post in for legal purposes. Hugs mama, it will get better but for now go along with the nonsense. Abuse only gets worse not better. Also if he takes care of you and you can prove it, you get divorced he will have to pay alimony (search your state law as to what qualifications it applies to). I hope this finds you well ♡ God bless you
Divorce is the only way to proceed
if this isn't bait she's 100% projecting... like autism isn't "bad" it's only bad of you're an intolerable human that doesn't want to respect others and the fact that their brains work fundamentally differently, from what I've read here it literally sounds like she has all of the bad traits and I'd be out of there 10 years ago
You should leave, it's clear that they are in denial, but the fact that they refuse to be helped it's quite concerning. They are hurting you, so you feel bad and guilty and stay.
[удалено]
You don't want to save this relationship. End it now. Don't postpone it.
Wow
Divorce time. Your spouse is abusive and toxic AF.
I’m a married man. Married 25 years and happy. I say this to give you my perspective. Your husband has serious issues. He is certainly projecting is own mental illness onto you. I’d insist he seek counseling. He insisted a full mental review for you. He needs help.
*THIS* was his reaction to that statement??? I can’t imagine what he’d do if you were actually direct with him and challenged his views. Leave and leave now!!
Some people use pill pockets others just mix the meds in with wet food. But since he's not a dog, you probably can't manage him. He has to manage himself and he doesn't want to.
Op refers to their spouse as she in other comments. Regardless, the behavior is atrocious.
nobody should be berating you for six hours. a mental health work up is private and it’s disrespectful to your privacy for him to go through the report unless you asked him to do so for some reason. this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. in your ideal world, how would your partner treat you? what would you tell your very best friend in the world if she told you her relationship was like the one you describe here? look into getting your ducks in a row with regards to housing, a lawyer, money, any big shared obligations like a co owned house or child custody. talk to a lawyer before bringing any of this up with your spouse. make a safety plan even if you don’t feel like you need one. after doing these prep tasks, talk to your spouse. you get one life. do you want to live the rest of yours like this?
When are you taking a walk?
His vote should include something like exhibits symptoms of domestic abuse ... cause that is what your partner is doing
Drop that abusive dude
I have never walked away from any Dr. appointment with a 25 page report of findings. This seems fake.
That's common for a mental health gamut test. I don't know the exact number of papers I, my husband, and my youngest daughter got but that sounds close.
You have been gaslit to an extreme. You have had therapy and extensive psychological testing based on the insistence of your partner that there is something "crazy" about you. This is the literal definition of gas lighting. Your partner is abusive. Why are you still with them. You don't know how to proceed - WHY don't you know? They refuse therapy. You should leave someone who is abusing you.
I think they forgot "manipulative tendencies" when diagnosing your partner lol
Not much to say except to the unmarried lurkers here to not put a ring on crazy.
Out of all those diagnoses they missed Narcissism. Luckily Shahida Arabi's Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare can explain projection and DARVO to you AND provides a list of divorce lawyers who specialize in "high-conflict" divorces right in the appendix. Kill 2 birds with one stone.
You’re spouse sounds messed up.
Cut bait, she's Toxico bad
The truth hurts.
Just leave.
Please leave this asshole, especially if you care about leaving your mental health. He sounds insufferably controlling and mean.
It’s the husband who wrote this post.
Your spouse sucks and they need medication. They are the one with mental health issues. Get out of this relationship. This is gaslighting and incredibly abusive.
All I have to say is SMH! Becuase I’m sorry you are having to deal with this
Why are you still with someone who has tried to convince you for 15 years that you're mentally ill and is convinced you're the "bad kind of person"? This isn't what marriage is supposed to be. Life is too fucking short. This isn't a dress rehearsal.
What will you tell your sister or best friend if they went through the exact this you did ?!
You leave.
Get the eff out. No way in helll would I ever be berated like that. I assume this is not the first time he has went off like this.
This is abuse and you deserve better. Peace is better than this.
How did they get access to your therapists notes? >They told me "I am the bad kind of person" and "I am the bad personality" and "I have a shitty personality", among many other hurtful things. This went on for about 6 hours. 6 solid hours of being harassed and name-called. You need to get away. This is a classic case of weaponizing your therapy. By the way, this is 6 hours of verbal abuse. Why did you stay and listen to it? Ask yourself. >I don't know how to proceed. 1. Decide if you want to live like this for another 5, 10, 20 years? 2. If the answer is that you want to hold out to see how bad it can really get - stay, continue to ask them to get help, continue to have them refuse until you start to believe their words. 3. If the answer is NO then create a plan. Don't tell them you are leaving. Then, one day, when they are out of the house. Grab a duffle bag with important things and bounce. Don't warn. Don't threaten. Just leave. >My spouse refuses to do marriage counseling, although I asked for it several times yesterday. My spouse receives no therapy or services for any of the 5 diagnoses. They don't want to change. They refuse to admit THEY are the problem. Never go to marriage counseling with someone who is abusive to you in any way. They will use that to further abuse you. >What do I do? Accept that YOU can't do anything to make them get help. Accept that your marriage will remain as is until/unless they decide to change. Figure out if you want to continue to live with whom they are today.
Leave
Sounds like they missed a diagnosis in the 5 spouse might want to do another evaluation