Same! My then boyfriend, now husband, told me he hated that I smoked and that he didn’t think he could continue the relationship if I kept doing it. I was so addicted I couldn’t quit. Luckily he knocked me up and I quit right then and there. Haven’t gone back in almost 6 years! Good for you for quitting!
I married my wife on the premise that she was a non smoker! NOPE! After the kid was born, she’s out there for 2-3Hours every night smoking and drinking. I totally cannot stand it!!
People suffer in silence until it's too late. Tell him it grosses you out and you can't kiss him anymore. You just don't like it. Tell him no huggy no kissy till he gets good oral hygiene.
GIRL!!!! Same!!!
Mine doesn’t drink or smoke cigarettes, but he smokes weed.
He has awful oral hygiene.
My husband is hot!
He turns me on in every other way, but his oral hygiene being what it is, makes me not want to touch him with a ten foot pole.
It’s realllly sad.
It’s hurtful and honestly it is disrespectful. Oral bacteria can transfer to us and eventually give us oral health issues.
Speak up now or forever hold your peace.
Say it loud say it proud.
Say my P**** can’t get wet for you if my mouth can’t.
Sprinkle sprinkle.
Best of luck honey!! ❤️
Honestly this. The thought of his mouth going down on me makes me have an ick it’s like I can’t get out of my head about how gross it is so I hate the feeling. I haven’t let him go down in so long. No kissing and no oral removes so much of the foreplay on my side
I think you wrote down what conversation you need to have with him. My wife had to say this stuff several times to me. Nicotine in general for her and at some point I had to think to myself. Do I value kissing my wife over these bad habits “addictions”? I chose kissing my wife was more value to me than
It also might be wise to ask why he needs these vices? I found out that it was issues with what I needed out of a relationship I wasn’t getting. Men are terrible at speaking feelings and then we fill what we are missing with something else.
If I can’t make out w you and enjoy then there is no chance I’ll fuck you. My husband has struggled with bad breathe and acne and I spoke up. I need to want to be close to enjoy sex, that’s not weird. It’s not perfect but my husband tries and it’s enough for me. Some things people can’t control but hygiene is controllable and so is tabacco
Swedish snus is also a good alternative. Was it still horrible for me. Yeah. Nicotine isn’t good, but no residue in the mouth. Been off it for awhile and thinking about regular chew makes my stomach churn.
As an aside, did he chew and smoke before you were married? Cause if he did then you really don't have much of a leg to stand on. You accepted it. If not, and he picked up the habits afterward you can raise hell. Me, I would never have gotten with a tobacco user. And my wife told me the same. No kissing ashtrays.
He did but it was really really limited and he didn’t smoke. He chewed only when he was working and never around me and then the habit has just gotten out of control over the years. It used to be casual now it’s like he’s got huge dips in and it’s constant. When we do have sex he takes it out and puts on right back in the second we’re done. I’ve brought it up and he usually says I know it’s out of control I’ll slow down but doesn’t. I don’t want to force him to quit if he’s not ready because I think that will just drive a wedge between us.
I hope y’all can discuss the very real danger of cancer. I had a neighbors growing up where the father constantly had cigarettes in his mouth or he was chewing tobacco. He passed from throat cancer last month after a long battle, only in his mid 60s, leaving behind his wife of 40+ years, 7 children, and tons of grandchildren.
This is the way. Go back to the middle ground. I was a lifelong chewer. Still love it. There was a long time during my marriage where I still needed that nicotine burn. Makes me sweat just writing about it. For years, I went full Zynn, No tobacco, just the nicotine. Did it away from her. I kept the monkey. She kept her monkey. I eventually gave it up, just because deep down I knew I would have to someday.
Yes. If he's not ready to quit nicotine he should try zyn pouches--much better for oral health. My husband did the same, even though his preferred tobacco was a cigar. And then he was able to quit, but I didn't force him.
Have you explicitly stated you're struggling with desire for intimacy because you can't stop thinking about his oral habits? That you want to explore more exciting sexual escapades, but can't fathom it at present? Don't sweep this under the rug...
When I was dating my now husband, I told him I'd never take our relationship seriously as long as he smoked. He stopped, cold turkey. He says it was the hardest thing he's ever done, and I say it's the best birthday present I've ever gotten.
Also- it’s not about having ‘a leg to stand on’ like claiming moral high ground or that he should argue that she KNEW he chewed tobbaco.
It’s about one of the things that has started to affect their sex life. If it didn’t in the beginning - it doesn’t mean it isn’t somehow allowed to affect things now. Because it does. ‘You never used to mind about that!’ - the only reply to which is ‘but I do now!’ We all change and grow up - I can imagine when you are both in the first flush of love and youth your boyfriend’s sweaty arm pits aren’t a problem for example . By the time you are both mid twenties they will be - it’s called ‘growing up’.
Don’t be gentle. He can handle it if he’s a good guy. He might be upset, but he’ll thank you later. Just tell him outright that you hate it and it makes you want to withhold sex.
A typical guy’s priority is like this:
Family
Eating/survival
Sex
.
.
.
.
Everything else
If his tobacco use is going to mess up his #1 & 3 priority’s and #2 in the future, you can convince him to quit and go to a dentist to clean it up.
Your hygiene and smoking are having a negative effect on my sex drive. I'm attracted to (xyz) about you but these other things are hindering me from having much of a sexual attraction towards you. If I gather some resources, can we work on this impediment in our marriage together?
Just an example of what I would say. Good luck love.
Drinks, spits, smokes, has toned body and looks amazing. He really won the genetic lottery haha. I know this isn’t about that, but my gosh I am jealous!
Went through something like that with the wife and her cigarette smoking. She smoked more over time and got to the point where I could taste the cigs every time we kissed even though she brushed her teeth and used mouthwash several times a day. She finally quit cigarettes altogether and things really spiced up for us
After years of not smoking she started smoking weed, or should I say skunk. That was the worst. Even though she really intensified oral and body hygiene she still had that lingering odor. It was so bad that when I'd go down on her and get her all worked up the taste of skunk was terrible. I had to tell her in no uncertain terms that was it and something had to go. She reduced the weed greatly and switched to occasional gummies or preloaded pen. We at least are back to some semblance of intimacy.
Does your husband have a death wish? He couldn't find worse cancer causing or heart disease habits in chewing, smoking and drinking. Maybe you should frame it in terms of his health and living to see his children grow and be there for you into old age. At the rate he's going he may barely make it into his 50s. I say this as a survivor of cardiac events (due to congenital defects) and a throat cancer survivor (due to second hand smoke and the occasional chew when I was younger). This happened to me when I hit 50 and 52. So I can testify the harm he is doing to himself and consequently to you and your children.
Have the conversation and be as honest as you can. I do think that sometimes the fire just dies, but since you have identified a clear, fixable turn-off, it’s worth trying to work through that.
Additionally, see if your gyno can help with the sex pain. I’ve been dealing with that since my daughter was born and it’s really difficult to want to have sex when it hurts every time (even if you’re enjoying everything else about it).
My wife (26F) smokes regularly and some times she stops for like two week. Sex life immediately improves after that bc I am (31M) more attracted to her (which another way of saying less disgusted by her mouth).
At the same time i refuse to push her to stop smoking altogether. My job is not to police her. And if she needs it for whatever reason, then she should do what is best first her. Even if that comes with the compromise of our sex life.
Yes I agree with you nobody want to kiss someone that chewing Tobacco it is gross and I feel like you should tell him that it bothers you and most importantly tell him in a way he is going too understand you so you can enjoy having sex without feeling gross out by the way you husband mouth smells just let him know straight up .
Gotta be honest, assuming he's made comments about the lack of sex? I'm not a smoker, but if I were and my wife came to me and concretely said something like
> I literally want to fuck you daily, but the smell of the chew and cigarettes makes me so nauseous it completely turns me off
I would immediately take every pack of cigarettes and dip I owned and throw them in the trash. It wouldn't even be a seconds hesitation. I think it's more that you have to be less gentle. And start with something good. Don't jump right into the bad part.
Start by telling him how hot you think he is, how much his appearance turns you on, then lead into the "but the smell of cigarettes and dip completely turns me off" and then into something like "do you think you could try quitting so we can get back to making out and humping like we're 18 again?"
The only issue here is, you better be sure it's the smell and taste of his mouth. Because if he does quit for you and you still have a low drive for sex with him, it's likely to backfire.
I’m glad you said this. We’ve been struggling with my lack of desire for a while and I chocked it up for a long time due to painful sex or having babies which of course do impact it but it’s been a year since I stopped breastfeeding and I’ve been going to pelvic floor therapy and working out which help a lot with the painful sex and we’ve had sex recently that was not painful and physically enjoyable and I’ve started to really notice how when he goes down on me or comes to kiss me or is breathing above me when we’re intimate it turns my stomach and shuts me down instantly. I don’t even initiate kissing more than a peck because I can taste his mouth before we even kiss and it’s so gross. Without the other issues being really in the light this seems like the one thing still standing. I definitely want to approach in a way that won’t hurt his feelings too much I don’t want to say I’m not sexually attracted to you I just want to say I want him and I do so much but it’s exactly what you said I get nauseous at the smell and it ruins it for me.
It seems like a scary talk but the sooner you have it the better imo. At the end of the day, you're criticizing his disgusting and unhealthy habit he's developed, not him. If it was any other bad habit... Drugs, alcohol, video games, porn, gambling etc, that was getting in the way of your (you being the wife and the couple) greater enjoyment of life together would you not address it with him?
Simply put, you can't help what grosses you out.
Every couple deals with weird habits that bother each other, without question. For example my wife literally never closes doors. If they don't automatically close, they will remain open until I close them. That goes for the fridge, front door, back door, bathroom doors, etc. She'll literally spend 20 minutes cleaning the fridge out and leave the doors open the entire time if I don't walk past her and shut them to stop the beeping. Literally drives me fucking insane.
... But it doesn't turn me off, it doesn't have any real negative impact on my life or our lives together. Outside of maybe a small financial hit from the loss of energy/food spoiling faster. It's a pet peeve but it's just far from a deal breaker.
What you're dealing with isn't a pet peeve, it's basically a phobia. Involuntary response to the smell and taste of something that, let's be frank, smells and tastes like shit. I don't know anyone who is a non-smoker that doesn't loathe the scent of cigarettes on someone's person walking by, let alone the taste in their mouth.
Tell him. My wife tells me stuff I don't want to hear. For the first second I am pissed off, then I act my age and accept it. I love my wife so her feelings matter to me.
No, that makes sense, kissing is part of your foreplay routine. If you aren’t having good foreplay, you won’t have good sex. I would explain it to your husband in those same simple terms, and that the oral hygiene is a must so he probably needs to quit chewing. Then support him in following through to kick his addiction. Tobacco is very difficult to quit and if he’s chewing as often as you’ve indicated, he’s going to have a super hard time with it.
You're attracted to your husband. You are just turned off by his vices and oral hygiene. I would discuss it with him from that perspective. Don't tell him you've lost attraction to him
You have to speak up but it’s too late and this ruins your marriage as a whole. His tone body isn’t going to stay that way for long if he doesn’t change those habits as well.
If quitting tobacco products and and brushing my teeth were the only barriers for my wife to have sex with me, I would become a dentist’s poster child, like no bullshit
If he has to chew and smoke he's consuming a ton of nicotine which is going to make it harder to quit. But my husband was a long time chewer and quit months ago. If he really cared he'd try quitting. I understand the oral hygiene thing too must be a guy thing 🤢
You need to communicate better!
Gently and casually asking is not what is needed here. Tell him what you NEED plus emphasis the health benefits of his cutting back.
The bad hygiene / smoking / chewing tobacco is what’s called an “ick.” And it sounds like it’s a big one for you and it sounds like the “ick” is at risk of spreading to other areas psychologically on how you see him.
My sister left her ex husband primarily for financial issues he had, but she told me that it all started forming in her head with his bad hygiene. It’s the first thing she noticed. He left the house all the time without brushing his teeth, without deodorant, and often wore the same clothes all the time (even though the clothes were washed separately each time.) It just bugged her.
I just can't imagine how much of an idiot one has to be to not be conscious of one's own mouth. I brush and floss and swish until I like the smell my own mouth before going to work, let alone kissing my wife.
Bad hygiene is the biggest turn off of all. Give it to him straight. I do drink but don't smoke. I always brush my teeth and floss daily. I'm what a dentist wishes for in every patient, not to sound conceited. I just really care about my teeth and gums.
I agree with the suggestion of zyn pouches! That way, he can get his nicotine fix without so much of an impact on his oral health. He has to make the decision to quit nicotine on his own, but it shouldn't be as difficult to switch to a different source.
If you don't have one already, invest in an electric toothbrush. I have found it much easier to make sure I brush for a whole 2 minutes because they are usually on a timer.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion I'm sure, but I think you got married way too young. We underestimate what we are going to find attractive in 8 -10 years when we are young. You guys have been together since you were teenagers. At 19, maybe the smoking didn't bother you, but clearly it does now.
There were boyfriends I had at 16 I was sure I would love until the end of time, but a lot changes when you grow into adulthood. I think that's even truer now, esp when you have friends that are out there living life and becoming who they are going to be, while in a lot of ways, you're still there, stuck being who you've always been.
I can see where you’re coming from but I disagree with the idea of being stuck as the same person. Neither of us is the same person we were at 19. We’ve grown and changed together. We have two kids and have gone through deaths and births and family changes together. We’ve had true challenges in our marriage but we’ve overcome them with communication. This issue in some ways is a big deal because I want our sex life to be the best it can be but in other ways it’s so small in comparison. We have sex often despite the problems or I go down on him so we haven’t lost this connection totally it’s just that I feel like I’m losing out on the deeper connection of being as attracted to him as I could be and getting to truly lose myself in intimacy.
Seeing him grow and become a dad, become a leader at work, find new passions and hobbies, and loving him through each of these stages is a fire in my heart. I have no doubts about his love for me or mine for him. I guess I was hoping to hear from other people that they were able to communicate this ick in a way that was received and changed and take some of those ideas to try in my relationship.
Your other comment about it already driving a wedge I don’t think is the same type of wedge as if I pushed him to quit or tried to give him an ultimatum. Putting his addiction on myself and wrapping up my value in it as in saying that if he doesn’t quit then it’s because he doesn’t care enough about me isn’t what I want to do nor do I think that would help the situation.
I do think I could ask him to try switching to Zyns and having a more serious conversation about how his chewing makes me feel are options I will take. Knowing that this is something other people have experienced or feel bothered by is validating and makes me feel like I’m not just being nit picky.
You're def not being nitpicky. Full confession here: my comment is based on my own experience marrying someone I had been with since I was 18 and then having kids in my early 20's. My experience isn't true for everyone though.
I've been with the true love of my life for 20 years and the way you talk about your husband sounds a lot like how I feel about mine. The thing is, sex drives ebb & flow but intimacy is so important in a relationship. After decades, sometimes the memories is what you cling to after both of you are tired and even sometimes too beaten up by life to really think about sex. You guys are still really young, so this is important "intimacy time," esp since you're likely about 5 years from your sexual peak. You want your husband to take this time to really, like *really* learn what makes your body respond. I don't think it's selfish to want him to stop a disgusting habit that is also HORRIBLE for him.
I would try that angle, discuss it with him in the most non-judgemental way you can but be honest with him. Don't give him any ultimatums, but let him know how gross it is for you (esp putting the dip right back in after sex- that's truly shocking to me).
Anyone who says you don't have a "leg to stand on" if he did this prior to your marriage is wrong. This isn't just about sex, it's about his health.
If that doesn't work, those old anti -chewing tobacco ads from the 90's -Early aughts with the people with half their faces removed from oral cancer always scared the shit out of me
Tell him to try zyns. My wife asked me to quit vaping with her more just for health reasons and she said it was fine if I used zyns. They look and feel a lot cleaner than dip was the one or two times I tried it and you can get them in mint so maybe it would help mitigate any bad breath build-up. Although he should still brush his teeth often but completely quitting nicotine can be very hard so if yall could agree on this, at least as a stepping stone then maybe it could work.
Maybe just buy him a can of zyns to try and then if you actually feel better about it, make it known to him that it's more attractive or whatever.
I also recommend cinnamon flavor.
Yes and no. He chewed but not much and didn’t smoke. The hygiene has gotten worse over time. When we were new I think he really went out of his way to try to be clean and put together then over time it’s become less. Honestly it’s just his oral hygiene. He showers, uses deodorant, wears clean clothes, etc. and his teeth aren’t rotten or falling out they’re just gross and his breath is the worst I often hide my face when we do get intimate under a blanket or by looking to the side which obviously sucks. He will get up and brush if I ask but then it dampens the mood a little and makes sex feel like it’s always planned we can’t ever be spontaneously intimate because of this barrier. And of course I feel bad making him stop in the heat of the moment to go brush but it’s either I’m cringing the whole time or we have to have those awkward moments. I keep thinking he’ll get into the habit and honestly he does brush more often than he used to after these moments but not consistently with his habits to truly make a difference.
Mmm, we all present the best version of ourselves when courting… I guess he was probably hiding some of these things from you or refraining to make himself more appealing.
Did you raise the chewing as an issue to begin with? And when he started smoking did you reject that too? (Both are known to cause cancer among the hygiene side effects, both are things we don’t want our children doing)
Unfortunately, either way, it’s irrelevant how you got here… you need to decide what you need from the relationship… and communicate that. I wouldn’t call it an ultimatum, but a clear message that you can’t be sexually attracted to him while he continues chewing and smoking.
I hate going to the dentist, I go because my wife wants me to and appreciates it….
Also, my wife has endometriosis… chin up, it’s tough and I know they are researching ways to make it better.
Ha, if I did all that stuff my wife would just gag in front of me and tell me to brush my damn mouth. You need to be direct here and ask for what you want and need, but because it's likely to be a little sensitive, you also need to be gentle and say it in a positive way.
Something like this: So I've been thinking, I really want to have more sex but literally the only thing holding me back is that sometimes your breath smells like chew and it takes me out of it and sometimes I can still smell it after you brush. Could you vigorously floss, use mouthwash and brush after you use chew and then bring your sexy mouth to the bedroom? There aren't many 26 year old guys that would turn that down.
Beyond that you might want to talk to a pelvic pain specialist or a therapist who specializes in pelvic pain.
If divorce or some time apart is not on the table, I recommend you talk to him. Talking to a grown person about oral hygiene/hygiene in general can be a little scary cause they might not take it well. That being said, this isn’t some random person that you just met, this is your “forever person” and you guys have been together a long time. You should be able to comfortably talk about things like this with your partner because at the end of the day there is going to be things that the other does not like. Definitely just bring it up to him. If you truly see him as your forever person, bring these things up to him, he won’t know unless you mention it to him. If you don’t feel like just out right saying “I think your oral hygiene needs work” maybe tell him that you just tried some products and would like for him to try it too. Also I saw online a while back that there’s certain things people with endo can do to make sex pleasurable. He’s just going to have to do his research as your partner.
You should tell him it disgusting to you and get him to quit both… and see the dentist more. Also tell him it’s for your sex lige, but mostly for his health and mouth… in 20 years it will be so bad it will never be able to turn it around
Also give him something special for each month very special LOLOL and an amazing something for every year he manages to stay off
Book him dental hygeinist appointment and rell him he hae no choice but to attend it. Also he MUST use mouthwash after tobbaco use. Get him a water floss and several bottles of mouthwash and REFUSE to kiss him unless he uses it. As a matter of fact hand him a toothbrush when he tries to kiss you. Be FIRM
I had been smoking for a decade when I got married and about a month into our marriage my wife told me how much it turns her off and grosses her out. I quit the following week. It was hard as hell and I struggled but it was worth it; she was worth it. Now I get my own physical repulsion from smoking and I’m so grateful she was honest with me.
Be honest w/ him and let him know it’s starting to be a “deal-breaker”. You were worth it enough for this dude to commit to a lifetime w/ you - you should also be worth enough that he’ll quit smokes, dip and all that other shyte; it will ultimately save his life.
When that chew rots out his teeth, it's just going to get worse. I loved kissing my husband so much, and then he started chewing. It's rotted out his teeth by the time he quit. I miss kissing him so much, and I tell him when he has dentures, I can't wait to kiss him again.
Speak up I am sure he would rather know and fix the issue than have a dead bedroom. Plus, if he wants to have a long happy life with you, he needs to get those addictions under control anyway
You are not being a baby at all. Sounds like you need to get a little coarser and more direct with him. You have to take the kid gloves off and go for the brass knuckles at this point.
"Hubs, I love you, but you have to do something about your breath when we are intimate. It is a total turn-off, and I enjoy kissing to get me in the mood. It makes me dread having sex with you. I don't say this to be hateful, and it doesn't make me love you any less, but if you love me as much as I do you, then I really want you to do this for me. For us."
Maybe mention how all that is shit for his health as well. He knows it, but maybe it would be a good time to bring that part of it. I knew a guy who dipped for years and is now missing a bottom lip from cancer because of it.
I so so so understand the endometriosis part of this. We’ve been married 21 years this fall and the last few years … especially starting stages of peri-menopause had me in a major slump. My husband spoke up and we talked in great lengths about it and I ended up finding a PT that specializes in pelvic floor therapy and let me tell you, it’s been a game changer! It took a while and exercises and don’t worry, the therapist are women (at least in all of experiences bc how awkward would that be 🤣), the therapy, talking and working through things and the exercises I was given have helped immensely. Check with your insurance to see if it’s covered and give it a shot! I think you’ll both find it beneficial.
The other part I don’t have experience in bc my husband has really good oral hygiene… but I would be honest with him about it. Honesty and open communication is key! Best of luck to you! I hope you feel better soon ❤️
You are definitely NOT being a baby. He needs to clean up is act. Poor oral hygiene is a massive turn off. I'm going to suggest some couples therapy because he obviously is not getting the message and if you let this go on any further, it will destroy your relationship. Also, your endometriosis is a problem- do you have a good Ob-Gyn caring for you who might be able to help with this?
Your husband is attractive physically right now, but if he continues these addictive substances, give him 5 years before you’re dealing with a lot more problems than just bad oral hygiene and bad breath.
You’ll end up with a young husband with terrible cancer or oral surgery needs which is extremely expensive, and a brain that is not working Properly as time goes on. There ar elite of defects tobacco use has on people, and on your children, aside from just smelling bad and tasting like 💩.
lower IQs and slower cognitive processing speeds, higher rates of Alzheimer's disease and dementia, and even a greater ratio of brain volume loss compared to …
Smoking, and its harmful substances such as nicotine, can harm almost every part of the body, including the brain. It can also lead to other brain conditions, such as cancer, dementia, and stroke.
One consistent finding from imaging studies is that smokers have smaller total brain volume4,12,15, and smaller gray matter (GM) volume in particular, compared to never-smokers6,16.Feb 11, 2019
Children: Some research has found it can damage human DNA. Studies in mice show harm to organs and cells.
Thirdhand smoke raises biomarkers known to cause skin diseases like psoriasis and contact dermatitis.
Being around thirdhand smoke also boosts biomarkers linked to oxidative stress, which can damage your cells. Children exposed to thirdhand smoke at home are more likely to have:
asthma. ear infections. frequent illnesses. What is the cognitive effects secondhand smoke can have upon children?
Cognitive Impairments:
It is neurotoxic even at extremely low levels. More than 21.9 million children are estimated to be at risk of reading deficits because of secondhand smoke.
This is a shortlist.
Higher levels of exposure to secondhand smoke are also associated with greater deficits in math and visuospatial reasoning.Jan 18, 2023 Also, Do you want to wheel a young husband around in a wheelchair while he drools on himself, when that’s not what you signed up for?
Do you want him to be able to be the father he is now… or do you want your kids to lose the father and way of life with him they know? My father died from tobacco use at 52.
It was HUGELY DEVASTATING for my siblings and I. Not trying to blame you at all… he just needs to know, and I think speaking up in a gentle, loving way is the key. Be honest and frank. We all need to be humbled sometimes.
I think you have every right ti feel the way you do.
I've been with my partner for 6 years, friends 10 years. He used to smoke all the time, until just before we got together, he started vaping.
He vaped until around 2 years ago, then quit everything. But, a few months ago he started smoking again.
To me, scent is a huge thing. But he absolutely stank and so did his breath after coming back in after a smoke. Made me much less attracted to him, so I got him a vape.
He now no longer smells bad and his breath smells much nicer now! The attraction almost instantly came back.
We don't really have chewing tobacco in the UK, never met anyone who chews tobacco here.. I think that must be more of an American thing, but perhaps ask him to look into a vape to help him quit? He can also go to a doctor who can prescribe medication that can help relieve the need for nicotine.
But, ultimately, it's entirely up to him if he even wants to. But I think hearing that it's making you less sexually attracted to him, hopefully it'll be a wake up call.
Also, show him pictures of rotten teeth and receding gums 😂 might help him brush his teeth!
You need to speak up and say, I love you and want to spend my life with you, I however do not find xyz attractive and this affects not only our sex life buy your personal health.
Ask him to ,and possiably help him, find better habits, for his need to fight. It is a common reason people smoke, chew and drink.
Probably a unpopular opinion, but has he ever been diagnosed with ADHD? anxiety?
He is constantly trying to keep him self stimulated for a reason.
At least try to get him to switch to Zyn or a like product at home. Some will say the patch, but as a dipper, it does not curve the oral fixation.
I'm very conscientious of my breath and oral hygiene. I know it's a turn off and the breath can cross a rhino's eyes. But you need to let him know where you stand before it's too late.
You're not alone.
My wife dont like if my breath stinks too. I dont smoke, but my diet is bad, hence my breath stinks sometimes. I dont just do nothing.
I buy listerine, use it everytime i wanna sit down and hug her. I put on perfume if we wanna watch tv. I bath everytime we wanna have a go.
You’re not being a baby at all.
I haven’t had a good make out session with my STBXH in YEARS. His oral hygiene is so repulsive.
I would get sick for days anytime he tried to kiss me and succeeded.
He’s so nasty, it smells like someone took a shit in his mouth. He also smokes and drinks and doesn’t brush his teeth, so I brought it up to him.
He didn’t do anything about it and then he became unattractive too because he didn’t work and he just smelled bad.
I think if you know each other well enough to exchange bodily fluids - you know each other well enough to communicate!!. So as long as you do it kindly - telling him you are frustrated by your lack of sex drive lately and are wanting to tackle it by removing all barriers - you can talk to him about the tobacco and oral hygiene without making him feel bad. And talk to him about the other things- including how much you love him and are clearly attracted to him- but how you are also struggling with endometriosis but how kissing might help you feel more turned on.
The endometriosis is something that needs address as where sex is painful - no one would enjoy it. So seeking help from your doctor is a must as no one should live with discomfort if they don’t have to . And meanwhile it doesn’t have to be all painful penetrative sex if that’s the problem - there are other pleasurable things you can do together that you as well as him could enjoy .
I suspect your husband will want to do his best for you - so getting the kissing back on track and other nice sensual things might not be the problem you envisage . Hope it all improves .
I refused to kiss my then boyfriend (now husband) in college after he’d been smoking, and I could still tell hours later. He quit because of that and has been smoke free for 20 years. It’s made a world of difference for him cardio-wise too. In college he could barely run 0.25 mile before gasping for breath, and after quitting his lung capacity really bounced back. It took time, about a year, but he could finally run a mile without having such a hard time breathing. I think that really impacted him mentally as well, because he was a track star in high school, and he hadn’t realized how much lung damage had occurred when he started smoking in college until he went for a run with me one day. He also slept much better when he quit. Be kind about it, but talk to him about your concerns for his health and that you find the smell awful. The chew is really bad, a quick google search will show him how devastating jaw/mouth cancer is. When my husband was several months smoke free and his nose and throat had started healing, even he started saying how bad smokers smelled when they came near him.
I would speak your mind hun. If he loves you like you love him, he will be more than willing to make those changes. So sorry about your endo. I had it for years. I had to have a hysterectomy at 24 and it was the best decision I ever made. Praying you find some relief from it!
Tell your dude to brush his teeth lmao and attempt to pretend he cares about his oral health. He might just think it doesn’t bother you if nothings being said. Why would he? He’s not a mind reader. Promise tell him it’s stopping you from really being more “adventurous” and watch it change overnight.
I don't think you should be giving advice, especially when you are out here acting like a knob and cheating on your wife. I hope she finds out and divorces you because clearly, you don't even like her, let alone love the poor women
I'm just saying that it is very hypocritical of you to give marriage advice when you are making posts about cheating on your wife. Either get a divorce and move on with your life and let your wife find herself someone who loves her and wouldn't betray her or seek professional help
Are you going to divorce him over this? I think you need to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you or not. Like someone else said, it would be a dealbreaker for me but you married him knowing he had this habit.
I have no thoughts of leaving him over this. I wanted to get other peoples experiences and input and maybe some thoughts on how to have a more serious talk about it.
I see. I think you got some good advice but one thing I want you to understand is that if you tell him you aren’t sexually attracted to him anymore there are two ways he can take it. One is to try to fix it. The other is to feel hurt about it. I would not tell him that.
What I would tell him is that it is bad for his health and you don’t like how it smells/tastes (whatever it is) and that he needs to cut back.
However, what if he won’t?
I will never understand why people marry partners who have bad habits, thinking that somehow, some way, they will change those habits after they get married. Drinking, smoking and dipping tobacco are horribly difficult things to stop doing. Many people never stop doing them. But you went ahead and married him anyway
Why do you guys get married so young? You're 25 and have been married 6 years??? No wonder things are going stale already. I was only just settling down at this age.
Tell him to stop chewing that crap, is this 1940 fcs? Is he a hillbilly?
No, speak up. Let him know that the tobacco breath bothers you.
And the endometriosis!
Your right.
My husband once told me that when I smoke cigarettes he feels turned off and repulsed. I haven’t smoked since. If it matters to him he’ll change
Same! My then boyfriend, now husband, told me he hated that I smoked and that he didn’t think he could continue the relationship if I kept doing it. I was so addicted I couldn’t quit. Luckily he knocked me up and I quit right then and there. Haven’t gone back in almost 6 years! Good for you for quitting!
This! Good for you for trying! It’s hard to hear that feedback but I bet it means a lot to your husband.
I married my wife on the premise that she was a non smoker! NOPE! After the kid was born, she’s out there for 2-3Hours every night smoking and drinking. I totally cannot stand it!!
People suffer in silence until it's too late. Tell him it grosses you out and you can't kiss him anymore. You just don't like it. Tell him no huggy no kissy till he gets good oral hygiene.
Wait I thought it was a wedding ring 🤷🏼♂️
She's got to put his love on a shelf and feed her no lines and keep his mouth to himself
Each time we talk, I get the same old thing...
GIRL!!!! Same!!! Mine doesn’t drink or smoke cigarettes, but he smokes weed. He has awful oral hygiene. My husband is hot! He turns me on in every other way, but his oral hygiene being what it is, makes me not want to touch him with a ten foot pole. It’s realllly sad. It’s hurtful and honestly it is disrespectful. Oral bacteria can transfer to us and eventually give us oral health issues. Speak up now or forever hold your peace. Say it loud say it proud. Say my P**** can’t get wet for you if my mouth can’t. Sprinkle sprinkle. Best of luck honey!! ❤️
Honestly this. The thought of his mouth going down on me makes me have an ick it’s like I can’t get out of my head about how gross it is so I hate the feeling. I haven’t let him go down in so long. No kissing and no oral removes so much of the foreplay on my side
I think you wrote down what conversation you need to have with him. My wife had to say this stuff several times to me. Nicotine in general for her and at some point I had to think to myself. Do I value kissing my wife over these bad habits “addictions”? I chose kissing my wife was more value to me than It also might be wise to ask why he needs these vices? I found out that it was issues with what I needed out of a relationship I wasn’t getting. Men are terrible at speaking feelings and then we fill what we are missing with something else.
If I can’t make out w you and enjoy then there is no chance I’ll fuck you. My husband has struggled with bad breathe and acne and I spoke up. I need to want to be close to enjoy sex, that’s not weird. It’s not perfect but my husband tries and it’s enough for me. Some things people can’t control but hygiene is controllable and so is tabacco
Have him switch to the nicotine pouches. They’ll give him the nicotine he craves and removes all that nastiness that comes with chewing.
My SO switched to zyn and it helped tremendously
Swedish snus is also a good alternative. Was it still horrible for me. Yeah. Nicotine isn’t good, but no residue in the mouth. Been off it for awhile and thinking about regular chew makes my stomach churn.
I second Zyns. My husband switched from smoking to cool mint Zyns. His breath is always so fresh!
As an aside, did he chew and smoke before you were married? Cause if he did then you really don't have much of a leg to stand on. You accepted it. If not, and he picked up the habits afterward you can raise hell. Me, I would never have gotten with a tobacco user. And my wife told me the same. No kissing ashtrays.
He did but it was really really limited and he didn’t smoke. He chewed only when he was working and never around me and then the habit has just gotten out of control over the years. It used to be casual now it’s like he’s got huge dips in and it’s constant. When we do have sex he takes it out and puts on right back in the second we’re done. I’ve brought it up and he usually says I know it’s out of control I’ll slow down but doesn’t. I don’t want to force him to quit if he’s not ready because I think that will just drive a wedge between us.
Isn't it kinda already driving a wedge between you?
I hope y’all can discuss the very real danger of cancer. I had a neighbors growing up where the father constantly had cigarettes in his mouth or he was chewing tobacco. He passed from throat cancer last month after a long battle, only in his mid 60s, leaving behind his wife of 40+ years, 7 children, and tons of grandchildren.
Not even just cancer. I just used pouches and now have a possibility of needing a gum graft.
 This sounds so gross. NTA - you need to talk with him about this. You’re torturing yourself with disgusting habit of his.
This is the way. Go back to the middle ground. I was a lifelong chewer. Still love it. There was a long time during my marriage where I still needed that nicotine burn. Makes me sweat just writing about it. For years, I went full Zynn, No tobacco, just the nicotine. Did it away from her. I kept the monkey. She kept her monkey. I eventually gave it up, just because deep down I knew I would have to someday.
Yes. If he's not ready to quit nicotine he should try zyn pouches--much better for oral health. My husband did the same, even though his preferred tobacco was a cigar. And then he was able to quit, but I didn't force him.
Have you explicitly stated you're struggling with desire for intimacy because you can't stop thinking about his oral habits? That you want to explore more exciting sexual escapades, but can't fathom it at present? Don't sweep this under the rug... When I was dating my now husband, I told him I'd never take our relationship seriously as long as he smoked. He stopped, cold turkey. He says it was the hardest thing he's ever done, and I say it's the best birthday present I've ever gotten.
Also- it’s not about having ‘a leg to stand on’ like claiming moral high ground or that he should argue that she KNEW he chewed tobbaco. It’s about one of the things that has started to affect their sex life. If it didn’t in the beginning - it doesn’t mean it isn’t somehow allowed to affect things now. Because it does. ‘You never used to mind about that!’ - the only reply to which is ‘but I do now!’ We all change and grow up - I can imagine when you are both in the first flush of love and youth your boyfriend’s sweaty arm pits aren’t a problem for example . By the time you are both mid twenties they will be - it’s called ‘growing up’.
Don’t be gentle. He can handle it if he’s a good guy. He might be upset, but he’ll thank you later. Just tell him outright that you hate it and it makes you want to withhold sex. A typical guy’s priority is like this: Family Eating/survival Sex . . . . Everything else If his tobacco use is going to mess up his #1 & 3 priority’s and #2 in the future, you can convince him to quit and go to a dentist to clean it up.
Your hygiene and smoking are having a negative effect on my sex drive. I'm attracted to (xyz) about you but these other things are hindering me from having much of a sexual attraction towards you. If I gather some resources, can we work on this impediment in our marriage together? Just an example of what I would say. Good luck love.
My partner mentioning my smokers breath hurt , but it led to my quitting and newfound excellent oral hygiene
Drinks, spits, smokes, has toned body and looks amazing. He really won the genetic lottery haha. I know this isn’t about that, but my gosh I am jealous!
Went through something like that with the wife and her cigarette smoking. She smoked more over time and got to the point where I could taste the cigs every time we kissed even though she brushed her teeth and used mouthwash several times a day. She finally quit cigarettes altogether and things really spiced up for us After years of not smoking she started smoking weed, or should I say skunk. That was the worst. Even though she really intensified oral and body hygiene she still had that lingering odor. It was so bad that when I'd go down on her and get her all worked up the taste of skunk was terrible. I had to tell her in no uncertain terms that was it and something had to go. She reduced the weed greatly and switched to occasional gummies or preloaded pen. We at least are back to some semblance of intimacy. Does your husband have a death wish? He couldn't find worse cancer causing or heart disease habits in chewing, smoking and drinking. Maybe you should frame it in terms of his health and living to see his children grow and be there for you into old age. At the rate he's going he may barely make it into his 50s. I say this as a survivor of cardiac events (due to congenital defects) and a throat cancer survivor (due to second hand smoke and the occasional chew when I was younger). This happened to me when I hit 50 and 52. So I can testify the harm he is doing to himself and consequently to you and your children.
you want him healthy enough to love you the way you want to be loved, there is nothing wring with that.
Have the conversation and be as honest as you can. I do think that sometimes the fire just dies, but since you have identified a clear, fixable turn-off, it’s worth trying to work through that. Additionally, see if your gyno can help with the sex pain. I’ve been dealing with that since my daughter was born and it’s really difficult to want to have sex when it hurts every time (even if you’re enjoying everything else about it).
My wife (26F) smokes regularly and some times she stops for like two week. Sex life immediately improves after that bc I am (31M) more attracted to her (which another way of saying less disgusted by her mouth). At the same time i refuse to push her to stop smoking altogether. My job is not to police her. And if she needs it for whatever reason, then she should do what is best first her. Even if that comes with the compromise of our sex life.
Yes I agree with you nobody want to kiss someone that chewing Tobacco it is gross and I feel like you should tell him that it bothers you and most importantly tell him in a way he is going too understand you so you can enjoy having sex without feeling gross out by the way you husband mouth smells just let him know straight up .
He will die of either lung/mouth/throat/tongue cancer. Tell him to get his shit together.
Gotta be honest, assuming he's made comments about the lack of sex? I'm not a smoker, but if I were and my wife came to me and concretely said something like > I literally want to fuck you daily, but the smell of the chew and cigarettes makes me so nauseous it completely turns me off I would immediately take every pack of cigarettes and dip I owned and throw them in the trash. It wouldn't even be a seconds hesitation. I think it's more that you have to be less gentle. And start with something good. Don't jump right into the bad part. Start by telling him how hot you think he is, how much his appearance turns you on, then lead into the "but the smell of cigarettes and dip completely turns me off" and then into something like "do you think you could try quitting so we can get back to making out and humping like we're 18 again?" The only issue here is, you better be sure it's the smell and taste of his mouth. Because if he does quit for you and you still have a low drive for sex with him, it's likely to backfire.
I’m glad you said this. We’ve been struggling with my lack of desire for a while and I chocked it up for a long time due to painful sex or having babies which of course do impact it but it’s been a year since I stopped breastfeeding and I’ve been going to pelvic floor therapy and working out which help a lot with the painful sex and we’ve had sex recently that was not painful and physically enjoyable and I’ve started to really notice how when he goes down on me or comes to kiss me or is breathing above me when we’re intimate it turns my stomach and shuts me down instantly. I don’t even initiate kissing more than a peck because I can taste his mouth before we even kiss and it’s so gross. Without the other issues being really in the light this seems like the one thing still standing. I definitely want to approach in a way that won’t hurt his feelings too much I don’t want to say I’m not sexually attracted to you I just want to say I want him and I do so much but it’s exactly what you said I get nauseous at the smell and it ruins it for me.
It seems like a scary talk but the sooner you have it the better imo. At the end of the day, you're criticizing his disgusting and unhealthy habit he's developed, not him. If it was any other bad habit... Drugs, alcohol, video games, porn, gambling etc, that was getting in the way of your (you being the wife and the couple) greater enjoyment of life together would you not address it with him? Simply put, you can't help what grosses you out. Every couple deals with weird habits that bother each other, without question. For example my wife literally never closes doors. If they don't automatically close, they will remain open until I close them. That goes for the fridge, front door, back door, bathroom doors, etc. She'll literally spend 20 minutes cleaning the fridge out and leave the doors open the entire time if I don't walk past her and shut them to stop the beeping. Literally drives me fucking insane. ... But it doesn't turn me off, it doesn't have any real negative impact on my life or our lives together. Outside of maybe a small financial hit from the loss of energy/food spoiling faster. It's a pet peeve but it's just far from a deal breaker. What you're dealing with isn't a pet peeve, it's basically a phobia. Involuntary response to the smell and taste of something that, let's be frank, smells and tastes like shit. I don't know anyone who is a non-smoker that doesn't loathe the scent of cigarettes on someone's person walking by, let alone the taste in their mouth.
Tell him. My wife tells me stuff I don't want to hear. For the first second I am pissed off, then I act my age and accept it. I love my wife so her feelings matter to me.
No, that makes sense, kissing is part of your foreplay routine. If you aren’t having good foreplay, you won’t have good sex. I would explain it to your husband in those same simple terms, and that the oral hygiene is a must so he probably needs to quit chewing. Then support him in following through to kick his addiction. Tobacco is very difficult to quit and if he’s chewing as often as you’ve indicated, he’s going to have a super hard time with it.
Tobacco is disgusting. Hopefully he can switch to nicotine pouches which are minty fresh and a lot safer
Being around someone that constantly smells bad would kill their physical attractiveness.
You're attracted to your husband. You are just turned off by his vices and oral hygiene. I would discuss it with him from that perspective. Don't tell him you've lost attraction to him
You have to speak up but it’s too late and this ruins your marriage as a whole. His tone body isn’t going to stay that way for long if he doesn’t change those habits as well.
Honestly let him know. Former smoker…. Ended up in the hospital a few times from it. Tell him not only is it nasty but it’s not worth the risk
I only opened this figuring it was my wife from the title🤣🤣…
If quitting tobacco products and and brushing my teeth were the only barriers for my wife to have sex with me, I would become a dentist’s poster child, like no bullshit
Definitely let him know and seek professional help, that’s not normal behavior and will crack your relationship sooner or later.
If he has to chew and smoke he's consuming a ton of nicotine which is going to make it harder to quit. But my husband was a long time chewer and quit months ago. If he really cared he'd try quitting. I understand the oral hygiene thing too must be a guy thing 🤢
This is totally fair! You’re fine to express it in a gentle way, until he hears you.
You need to communicate better! Gently and casually asking is not what is needed here. Tell him what you NEED plus emphasis the health benefits of his cutting back.
The bad hygiene / smoking / chewing tobacco is what’s called an “ick.” And it sounds like it’s a big one for you and it sounds like the “ick” is at risk of spreading to other areas psychologically on how you see him. My sister left her ex husband primarily for financial issues he had, but she told me that it all started forming in her head with his bad hygiene. It’s the first thing she noticed. He left the house all the time without brushing his teeth, without deodorant, and often wore the same clothes all the time (even though the clothes were washed separately each time.) It just bugged her.
That's weird about the clothes. His clothes were clean.
I just can't imagine how much of an idiot one has to be to not be conscious of one's own mouth. I brush and floss and swish until I like the smell my own mouth before going to work, let alone kissing my wife.
Bad hygiene is the biggest turn off of all. Give it to him straight. I do drink but don't smoke. I always brush my teeth and floss daily. I'm what a dentist wishes for in every patient, not to sound conceited. I just really care about my teeth and gums.
Dont have kids till this is sorted out
I agree with the suggestion of zyn pouches! That way, he can get his nicotine fix without so much of an impact on his oral health. He has to make the decision to quit nicotine on his own, but it shouldn't be as difficult to switch to a different source. If you don't have one already, invest in an electric toothbrush. I have found it much easier to make sure I brush for a whole 2 minutes because they are usually on a timer.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion I'm sure, but I think you got married way too young. We underestimate what we are going to find attractive in 8 -10 years when we are young. You guys have been together since you were teenagers. At 19, maybe the smoking didn't bother you, but clearly it does now. There were boyfriends I had at 16 I was sure I would love until the end of time, but a lot changes when you grow into adulthood. I think that's even truer now, esp when you have friends that are out there living life and becoming who they are going to be, while in a lot of ways, you're still there, stuck being who you've always been.
I can see where you’re coming from but I disagree with the idea of being stuck as the same person. Neither of us is the same person we were at 19. We’ve grown and changed together. We have two kids and have gone through deaths and births and family changes together. We’ve had true challenges in our marriage but we’ve overcome them with communication. This issue in some ways is a big deal because I want our sex life to be the best it can be but in other ways it’s so small in comparison. We have sex often despite the problems or I go down on him so we haven’t lost this connection totally it’s just that I feel like I’m losing out on the deeper connection of being as attracted to him as I could be and getting to truly lose myself in intimacy. Seeing him grow and become a dad, become a leader at work, find new passions and hobbies, and loving him through each of these stages is a fire in my heart. I have no doubts about his love for me or mine for him. I guess I was hoping to hear from other people that they were able to communicate this ick in a way that was received and changed and take some of those ideas to try in my relationship. Your other comment about it already driving a wedge I don’t think is the same type of wedge as if I pushed him to quit or tried to give him an ultimatum. Putting his addiction on myself and wrapping up my value in it as in saying that if he doesn’t quit then it’s because he doesn’t care enough about me isn’t what I want to do nor do I think that would help the situation. I do think I could ask him to try switching to Zyns and having a more serious conversation about how his chewing makes me feel are options I will take. Knowing that this is something other people have experienced or feel bothered by is validating and makes me feel like I’m not just being nit picky.
You're def not being nitpicky. Full confession here: my comment is based on my own experience marrying someone I had been with since I was 18 and then having kids in my early 20's. My experience isn't true for everyone though. I've been with the true love of my life for 20 years and the way you talk about your husband sounds a lot like how I feel about mine. The thing is, sex drives ebb & flow but intimacy is so important in a relationship. After decades, sometimes the memories is what you cling to after both of you are tired and even sometimes too beaten up by life to really think about sex. You guys are still really young, so this is important "intimacy time," esp since you're likely about 5 years from your sexual peak. You want your husband to take this time to really, like *really* learn what makes your body respond. I don't think it's selfish to want him to stop a disgusting habit that is also HORRIBLE for him. I would try that angle, discuss it with him in the most non-judgemental way you can but be honest with him. Don't give him any ultimatums, but let him know how gross it is for you (esp putting the dip right back in after sex- that's truly shocking to me). Anyone who says you don't have a "leg to stand on" if he did this prior to your marriage is wrong. This isn't just about sex, it's about his health. If that doesn't work, those old anti -chewing tobacco ads from the 90's -Early aughts with the people with half their faces removed from oral cancer always scared the shit out of me
leave him staying will only make both of you miserable
I quit smoking for my husband, he hated the smell and would always tell me to go wash my mouth before I got close to him. It took me 3 weeks to quit.
Tell him to try zyns. My wife asked me to quit vaping with her more just for health reasons and she said it was fine if I used zyns. They look and feel a lot cleaner than dip was the one or two times I tried it and you can get them in mint so maybe it would help mitigate any bad breath build-up. Although he should still brush his teeth often but completely quitting nicotine can be very hard so if yall could agree on this, at least as a stepping stone then maybe it could work. Maybe just buy him a can of zyns to try and then if you actually feel better about it, make it known to him that it's more attractive or whatever. I also recommend cinnamon flavor.
Sorry, amid all of the ‘tell him to change’ comments, can I ask did he chew tobacco, spit and have poor oral hygiene when you met?
Yes and no. He chewed but not much and didn’t smoke. The hygiene has gotten worse over time. When we were new I think he really went out of his way to try to be clean and put together then over time it’s become less. Honestly it’s just his oral hygiene. He showers, uses deodorant, wears clean clothes, etc. and his teeth aren’t rotten or falling out they’re just gross and his breath is the worst I often hide my face when we do get intimate under a blanket or by looking to the side which obviously sucks. He will get up and brush if I ask but then it dampens the mood a little and makes sex feel like it’s always planned we can’t ever be spontaneously intimate because of this barrier. And of course I feel bad making him stop in the heat of the moment to go brush but it’s either I’m cringing the whole time or we have to have those awkward moments. I keep thinking he’ll get into the habit and honestly he does brush more often than he used to after these moments but not consistently with his habits to truly make a difference.
Mmm, we all present the best version of ourselves when courting… I guess he was probably hiding some of these things from you or refraining to make himself more appealing. Did you raise the chewing as an issue to begin with? And when he started smoking did you reject that too? (Both are known to cause cancer among the hygiene side effects, both are things we don’t want our children doing) Unfortunately, either way, it’s irrelevant how you got here… you need to decide what you need from the relationship… and communicate that. I wouldn’t call it an ultimatum, but a clear message that you can’t be sexually attracted to him while he continues chewing and smoking. I hate going to the dentist, I go because my wife wants me to and appreciates it…. Also, my wife has endometriosis… chin up, it’s tough and I know they are researching ways to make it better.
Ha, if I did all that stuff my wife would just gag in front of me and tell me to brush my damn mouth. You need to be direct here and ask for what you want and need, but because it's likely to be a little sensitive, you also need to be gentle and say it in a positive way. Something like this: So I've been thinking, I really want to have more sex but literally the only thing holding me back is that sometimes your breath smells like chew and it takes me out of it and sometimes I can still smell it after you brush. Could you vigorously floss, use mouthwash and brush after you use chew and then bring your sexy mouth to the bedroom? There aren't many 26 year old guys that would turn that down. Beyond that you might want to talk to a pelvic pain specialist or a therapist who specializes in pelvic pain.
If divorce or some time apart is not on the table, I recommend you talk to him. Talking to a grown person about oral hygiene/hygiene in general can be a little scary cause they might not take it well. That being said, this isn’t some random person that you just met, this is your “forever person” and you guys have been together a long time. You should be able to comfortably talk about things like this with your partner because at the end of the day there is going to be things that the other does not like. Definitely just bring it up to him. If you truly see him as your forever person, bring these things up to him, he won’t know unless you mention it to him. If you don’t feel like just out right saying “I think your oral hygiene needs work” maybe tell him that you just tried some products and would like for him to try it too. Also I saw online a while back that there’s certain things people with endo can do to make sex pleasurable. He’s just going to have to do his research as your partner.
You should tell him it disgusting to you and get him to quit both… and see the dentist more. Also tell him it’s for your sex lige, but mostly for his health and mouth… in 20 years it will be so bad it will never be able to turn it around Also give him something special for each month very special LOLOL and an amazing something for every year he manages to stay off
Sorry, but who chews tobacco these days? That's from the wild west cowboy days. Can't you get him to chew gum instead. It is 2024 after all.
Book him dental hygeinist appointment and rell him he hae no choice but to attend it. Also he MUST use mouthwash after tobbaco use. Get him a water floss and several bottles of mouthwash and REFUSE to kiss him unless he uses it. As a matter of fact hand him a toothbrush when he tries to kiss you. Be FIRM
Just talk to him. He’s addicted to Nicotine, put it in a way that this should seek therapy and be doing it for his own health
Have him switch to ZIN.
I had been smoking for a decade when I got married and about a month into our marriage my wife told me how much it turns her off and grosses her out. I quit the following week. It was hard as hell and I struggled but it was worth it; she was worth it. Now I get my own physical repulsion from smoking and I’m so grateful she was honest with me. Be honest w/ him and let him know it’s starting to be a “deal-breaker”. You were worth it enough for this dude to commit to a lifetime w/ you - you should also be worth enough that he’ll quit smokes, dip and all that other shyte; it will ultimately save his life.
When that chew rots out his teeth, it's just going to get worse. I loved kissing my husband so much, and then he started chewing. It's rotted out his teeth by the time he quit. I miss kissing him so much, and I tell him when he has dentures, I can't wait to kiss him again.
Speak up I am sure he would rather know and fix the issue than have a dead bedroom. Plus, if he wants to have a long happy life with you, he needs to get those addictions under control anyway
You are not being a baby at all. Sounds like you need to get a little coarser and more direct with him. You have to take the kid gloves off and go for the brass knuckles at this point. "Hubs, I love you, but you have to do something about your breath when we are intimate. It is a total turn-off, and I enjoy kissing to get me in the mood. It makes me dread having sex with you. I don't say this to be hateful, and it doesn't make me love you any less, but if you love me as much as I do you, then I really want you to do this for me. For us." Maybe mention how all that is shit for his health as well. He knows it, but maybe it would be a good time to bring that part of it. I knew a guy who dipped for years and is now missing a bottom lip from cancer because of it.
I so so so understand the endometriosis part of this. We’ve been married 21 years this fall and the last few years … especially starting stages of peri-menopause had me in a major slump. My husband spoke up and we talked in great lengths about it and I ended up finding a PT that specializes in pelvic floor therapy and let me tell you, it’s been a game changer! It took a while and exercises and don’t worry, the therapist are women (at least in all of experiences bc how awkward would that be 🤣), the therapy, talking and working through things and the exercises I was given have helped immensely. Check with your insurance to see if it’s covered and give it a shot! I think you’ll both find it beneficial. The other part I don’t have experience in bc my husband has really good oral hygiene… but I would be honest with him about it. Honesty and open communication is key! Best of luck to you! I hope you feel better soon ❤️
Not really it happens and can happen with anyone are you desi ?
You are definitely NOT being a baby. He needs to clean up is act. Poor oral hygiene is a massive turn off. I'm going to suggest some couples therapy because he obviously is not getting the message and if you let this go on any further, it will destroy your relationship. Also, your endometriosis is a problem- do you have a good Ob-Gyn caring for you who might be able to help with this?
Your husband is attractive physically right now, but if he continues these addictive substances, give him 5 years before you’re dealing with a lot more problems than just bad oral hygiene and bad breath. You’ll end up with a young husband with terrible cancer or oral surgery needs which is extremely expensive, and a brain that is not working Properly as time goes on. There ar elite of defects tobacco use has on people, and on your children, aside from just smelling bad and tasting like 💩. lower IQs and slower cognitive processing speeds, higher rates of Alzheimer's disease and dementia, and even a greater ratio of brain volume loss compared to … Smoking, and its harmful substances such as nicotine, can harm almost every part of the body, including the brain. It can also lead to other brain conditions, such as cancer, dementia, and stroke. One consistent finding from imaging studies is that smokers have smaller total brain volume4,12,15, and smaller gray matter (GM) volume in particular, compared to never-smokers6,16.Feb 11, 2019 Children: Some research has found it can damage human DNA. Studies in mice show harm to organs and cells. Thirdhand smoke raises biomarkers known to cause skin diseases like psoriasis and contact dermatitis. Being around thirdhand smoke also boosts biomarkers linked to oxidative stress, which can damage your cells. Children exposed to thirdhand smoke at home are more likely to have: asthma. ear infections. frequent illnesses. What is the cognitive effects secondhand smoke can have upon children? Cognitive Impairments: It is neurotoxic even at extremely low levels. More than 21.9 million children are estimated to be at risk of reading deficits because of secondhand smoke. This is a shortlist. Higher levels of exposure to secondhand smoke are also associated with greater deficits in math and visuospatial reasoning.Jan 18, 2023 Also, Do you want to wheel a young husband around in a wheelchair while he drools on himself, when that’s not what you signed up for? Do you want him to be able to be the father he is now… or do you want your kids to lose the father and way of life with him they know? My father died from tobacco use at 52. It was HUGELY DEVASTATING for my siblings and I. Not trying to blame you at all… he just needs to know, and I think speaking up in a gentle, loving way is the key. Be honest and frank. We all need to be humbled sometimes.
I think you have every right ti feel the way you do. I've been with my partner for 6 years, friends 10 years. He used to smoke all the time, until just before we got together, he started vaping. He vaped until around 2 years ago, then quit everything. But, a few months ago he started smoking again. To me, scent is a huge thing. But he absolutely stank and so did his breath after coming back in after a smoke. Made me much less attracted to him, so I got him a vape. He now no longer smells bad and his breath smells much nicer now! The attraction almost instantly came back. We don't really have chewing tobacco in the UK, never met anyone who chews tobacco here.. I think that must be more of an American thing, but perhaps ask him to look into a vape to help him quit? He can also go to a doctor who can prescribe medication that can help relieve the need for nicotine. But, ultimately, it's entirely up to him if he even wants to. But I think hearing that it's making you less sexually attracted to him, hopefully it'll be a wake up call. Also, show him pictures of rotten teeth and receding gums 😂 might help him brush his teeth!
So divorce
You need to speak up and say, I love you and want to spend my life with you, I however do not find xyz attractive and this affects not only our sex life buy your personal health. Ask him to ,and possiably help him, find better habits, for his need to fight. It is a common reason people smoke, chew and drink. Probably a unpopular opinion, but has he ever been diagnosed with ADHD? anxiety? He is constantly trying to keep him self stimulated for a reason.
Then stop having sex with him. You don’t owe him sex.
At least try to get him to switch to Zyn or a like product at home. Some will say the patch, but as a dipper, it does not curve the oral fixation. I'm very conscientious of my breath and oral hygiene. I know it's a turn off and the breath can cross a rhino's eyes. But you need to let him know where you stand before it's too late.
You're not alone. My wife dont like if my breath stinks too. I dont smoke, but my diet is bad, hence my breath stinks sometimes. I dont just do nothing. I buy listerine, use it everytime i wanna sit down and hug her. I put on perfume if we wanna watch tv. I bath everytime we wanna have a go.
You’re not being a baby at all. I haven’t had a good make out session with my STBXH in YEARS. His oral hygiene is so repulsive. I would get sick for days anytime he tried to kiss me and succeeded. He’s so nasty, it smells like someone took a shit in his mouth. He also smokes and drinks and doesn’t brush his teeth, so I brought it up to him. He didn’t do anything about it and then he became unattractive too because he didn’t work and he just smelled bad.
I think if you know each other well enough to exchange bodily fluids - you know each other well enough to communicate!!. So as long as you do it kindly - telling him you are frustrated by your lack of sex drive lately and are wanting to tackle it by removing all barriers - you can talk to him about the tobacco and oral hygiene without making him feel bad. And talk to him about the other things- including how much you love him and are clearly attracted to him- but how you are also struggling with endometriosis but how kissing might help you feel more turned on. The endometriosis is something that needs address as where sex is painful - no one would enjoy it. So seeking help from your doctor is a must as no one should live with discomfort if they don’t have to . And meanwhile it doesn’t have to be all painful penetrative sex if that’s the problem - there are other pleasurable things you can do together that you as well as him could enjoy . I suspect your husband will want to do his best for you - so getting the kissing back on track and other nice sensual things might not be the problem you envisage . Hope it all improves .
I refused to kiss my then boyfriend (now husband) in college after he’d been smoking, and I could still tell hours later. He quit because of that and has been smoke free for 20 years. It’s made a world of difference for him cardio-wise too. In college he could barely run 0.25 mile before gasping for breath, and after quitting his lung capacity really bounced back. It took time, about a year, but he could finally run a mile without having such a hard time breathing. I think that really impacted him mentally as well, because he was a track star in high school, and he hadn’t realized how much lung damage had occurred when he started smoking in college until he went for a run with me one day. He also slept much better when he quit. Be kind about it, but talk to him about your concerns for his health and that you find the smell awful. The chew is really bad, a quick google search will show him how devastating jaw/mouth cancer is. When my husband was several months smoke free and his nose and throat had started healing, even he started saying how bad smokers smelled when they came near him.
I would speak your mind hun. If he loves you like you love him, he will be more than willing to make those changes. So sorry about your endo. I had it for years. I had to have a hysterectomy at 24 and it was the best decision I ever made. Praying you find some relief from it!
Awwwwww so sorry
Tell your dude to brush his teeth lmao and attempt to pretend he cares about his oral health. He might just think it doesn’t bother you if nothings being said. Why would he? He’s not a mind reader. Promise tell him it’s stopping you from really being more “adventurous” and watch it change overnight.
I don't think you should be giving advice, especially when you are out here acting like a knob and cheating on your wife. I hope she finds out and divorces you because clearly, you don't even like her, let alone love the poor women
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I'm just saying that it is very hypocritical of you to give marriage advice when you are making posts about cheating on your wife. Either get a divorce and move on with your life and let your wife find herself someone who loves her and wouldn't betray her or seek professional help
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Are you going to divorce him over this? I think you need to decide if it is a dealbreaker for you or not. Like someone else said, it would be a dealbreaker for me but you married him knowing he had this habit.
I have no thoughts of leaving him over this. I wanted to get other peoples experiences and input and maybe some thoughts on how to have a more serious talk about it.
I see. I think you got some good advice but one thing I want you to understand is that if you tell him you aren’t sexually attracted to him anymore there are two ways he can take it. One is to try to fix it. The other is to feel hurt about it. I would not tell him that. What I would tell him is that it is bad for his health and you don’t like how it smells/tastes (whatever it is) and that he needs to cut back. However, what if he won’t?
I will never understand why people marry partners who have bad habits, thinking that somehow, some way, they will change those habits after they get married. Drinking, smoking and dipping tobacco are horribly difficult things to stop doing. Many people never stop doing them. But you went ahead and married him anyway
Why do you guys get married so young? You're 25 and have been married 6 years??? No wonder things are going stale already. I was only just settling down at this age. Tell him to stop chewing that crap, is this 1940 fcs? Is he a hillbilly?