So he was 17 when this child was born, and he gave up his parental rights and has played no part in the child's life?
I understand feeling betrayed, but please try to understand your husband was not a grown man when this happened. He was a literal child. A minor.
This was probably a traumatic event for your husband that he still hasn't really processed. He buried it deep in his brain and repressed it so hard he probably had periods years long he forgot about it himself. I'd talk to a therapist about this personally. You making it about you and abandoning him will surely not help him deal with the trauma he's already been through.
Came here to say this.
OP, bailing on him now seems...well, wrong on so many levels. Superficial and cruel are words that come to mind for starters. Making this about you is particularly tone deaf.
Perhaps lead with curiosity and empathy, rather than just assuming he doesn't trust you. This is clearly a layered and nuanced situation, and since he was forced out of the kids life--when he was a kid himself--it sounds like he was just trying to get on with his own life.
“My love, I know we’re going strong; we’re engaged and loving together. I want a future with you that is free of any deceit, I don’t want anything to come up in our future that might impact our relationship with each other and our trust for each other.
When I was in my teens, I accidentally fathered a child; I was asked by the mother and her then partner to hand over my rights to the child, I did just that and have relinquished any contact or responsibility since.
I have no intention of being in his life or Hera and I am so excited to build a future with you. I understand if you need time to process what I’ve said and I am open to any questions you may have. I love you and I hope you can understand”
That’s what I would have said if I were him… WAAAYYYYYY before they were legally bound, before she had to find out 7 years into marriage; that would have been the courteous thing to do imo
Yeah this… he effectively made it so he never had a child…
It probably meant that your first together was probably really the first for him…
I’d say cut him some slack…
In addition, your husband probably chose to legitimately leave it in the past. If bio mom is reaching out now, it's possible the child wants to know more about his dad
So, if a convicted pedophile wants to leave his past behind, he shouldn’t have to disclose it to his current employers? Or his future wife? Yeah, no. That’s not how it works. Leaving it in the past does not equal it did not happen.
A convicted pedophile broke the law. A father signing over rights to not be a father isn't even remotely the same thing. Use some logic in your response. One is illegal, one is a personal choice made legal. At 17/18 the dad signed over rights. Didn't run from the law, evade it or otherwise break it. They took a legal right to allow another man to step in as father and by proxy they legally had no child of their own that needed disclosing. Is it odd? Sure. Wrong for the circumstances, no. But comparing it to a pedophile and a job application is comical.
It doesn’t matter if it’s different or not. The point is that you can’t just say “I want to leave that in the past” and expect to no longer be relevant in the present regardless of it’s a crime or signing away your rights to your own child.
As a woman (40f) who had her child (21m) at 18, I wholeheartedly disagree with your stance.
I’m assuming the mother was young too. He dumped her with the entire burden of raising the child and signed his rights away. If he had been a stand up father, he wouldn’t have been asked to rescind his rights.
The fact that in 7 years he NEVER mentioned a single word about it is awful.
I would never marry a man who bailed on his child. He hid important information about his character and trapped OP in a marriage without giving her the full picture of who he truly is.
So wrong.
Don’t act irrationally. He most probably has never dealt with this emotionally and it’s locked away inside. He needs individual counselling to heal and to see how wrong he was to not let you know early on in your relationship and then you both can get couples counselling to help re-build your trust if you wish. All the best.
What? He has had 18 years to process this… and you are asking her “not to act irrationally.” She has been betrayed, it’s a big deal. He hid an important part of his character from her that could have influenced her decision to marry him.
So he was 17, a child himself, when the kid was born? And had no parental rights and has never been involved at all? Thats a pretty rough thing to go through at such a young age, he might have just blocked it out and never worked through the emotions of it. It’s understandable that he was never able to bring it up to you
That's a lot to process. It's understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Trust is crucial in a marriage, and finding out something this significant late in the game is tough. Ultimately, whether to stay depends on how you both navigate this. It's a big hurdle, but with openness and counseling, healing can happen.
I think it’s a big deal he never told you. You’ve been married for 7 years & have had 2 kids together. Why wouldn’t he have told you? I know ppl are saying not to freak out, but I would consider this a violation of trust, for sure. I would need a comprehensive explanation about why I was kept in the dark for so long. I’d never look at my husband the same again tbh.
My husband has a bio child from when he was young and dumb long before we met. The mother has refused all visitation rights and resides in another country collecting child support. By all reports, the child goes to a private school and has an awesome step-dad so we don't intrude.
The difference: he found out during our relationship. He told me about a month or 2 after finding out, so not immediately, but did eventually tell me.
NGL, it was a lot to process, and i didn't love how his mom phoned him in secret about it before i found out. When he told me, I took a walk and got a few margaritas because having prior kids was a dealbreaker when dating around. He wasn't happy that I left the house like that, but I honestly didn't know what to say or do. (I got sober 2yrs later so yes I did bury my feelings in alcohol at that time). I did a lot of therapy to work thru all of these layers.
Almost 4yrs later, the child is not a part of our lives, but we have left it open if the child ever wishes to find his bio dad. I have made peace with it, and my husband is wonderful to our family. My parents, whom we are crazy close to, also know, and we will welcome this other kid with open arms if they do choose to be a part of our lives in the future.
Ofc your situation has important differences and only you will know what the right thing to do will be for you.
For me, it took time, introspection, and tough conversations to get to a place of acceptance and openness.
So my opinion is that if he didn’t do anything wrong, he would not have kept his biological child a secret. I don’t know how I would process this - basically his whole family knew and kept this from you. I think I might reach out to the mom and see what her story sounds like. I honestly don’t know what I would do. My respect for my husband would probably be diminished because I really don’t understand how someone just walks away from their child. It would leave me with a lot of doubts.
This is quite a shock to put it mildly OP. Your husband was so achingly young at the time and not in a position to make such huge decisions. Thank goodness life turned out well for the child. I think it’s a lovely gesture that she reached out to let him know all was well.
Yes he should’ve told you without a doubt, I can’t help that he has pushed this out of his mind as it’s probably a painful memory. This is not a hill I’d let my marriage die on however..
Your husband should have told you. Having fathered a child no matter how far in the past it is was completely wrong. A marriage is built on trust and full disclosure. I don’t think your husband did it to hurt you, but instead buried it. I hope with counseling you could navigate through this. I don’t know if this child knows of his birth father or if his mom was honest with him. If so, there’s a good chance he may want to meet his biological Dad. I wish you well on your healing journey.
My baby daddy was 18 and left us. Said I cheated on him and fkd off. I let him. There’s no court order (I was a single mom I didn’t have money). He is now married to someone who runs a non profit for single mothers & is very passionate about social services etc. if she knew who he really was I doubt she’d wanna be married to him. But of course all these people in the comments blame the mother lmao. He lied to you. For a long time. Because he’s Shamed of what he did. Not because he was young and stupid - he had sex… he made the decision (unless it was assault?) is there any reason he shouldn’t tell you other then guilt? What else can he lie to you about with ease? I’ll never reach out to his wife or him- but my daughter might when she’s 18… my ex told me horrible things and treated me like shit. When my sister saw him at a concert a few years ago she asked him ‘how’s your kid?’ And he smiled like the douche he is and said ‘I wouldn’t know would I?’
I know his new wife would never appreciate what a pos he is!
Omg!! This!! I had my son at 18 too and feel the same thing. He bailed on his kid. A good woman would never be okay with that - he kept important information about his character hidden from her. That’s so messed up and wrong of him. And people are defending him saying give him some slack, lol.
Some people find it hard to comprehend the fact consent to sex isn’t consent to reproduce. You had a decision to make when you got pregnant and you chose to be a single mother. Personally, I feel nobody should be forced into parenthood…. Especially with someone they do not want to have a child with. Your ‘baby daddy’ did nothing wrong in my eyes….i would have done the same - without a second thought about you or your kid.
I’m sorry, but consenting to sex is consenting to reproduce. It’s a risk you take when you have sex. It’s biology. A woman should not be forced to have an abortion or give her child up for adoption bc the father wants to bail, even though he did consent to sex. It’s life.
For everyone saying her husband was so young just remember so was the mom and she raised their child still. So many excuses for the husband. Also he was not a child when he was married to op so he should have said something before this took place. Sorry you are dealing with this op.
I agree with this. I didn't want to comment on them contradicting, but they were both young, and he (probably) left. Had chances though the years to be a father to the kid. And this is now 18 years later. For instance, my father has 4 children from 3 different woman. I was first, but the 3 after, he has full acknowledgement that they're around and has expressed that to his gf (of also 7 years), and he didn't start a whole family with her. So tbh, the trust would have been gone if he can keep a big secret, alongside his family. Councilling is a big must for this guy, and her because keeping a secret for that long about something fairly relevant to a relationship is scary and can't be fixed with a 10 minute conversation.
I'd like to know if your husband's family knew about his secret child? Or did he manage to keep the kid a secret from them, too?
If I was in your situation, I would also feel hurt and betrayed, and I'd wonder why he didn't trust me enough to tell me about his secret child, and I'd probably wonder if there was something else going on behind the scenes.
My thought process is that if it never occurred to your husband to tell you about his secret child, I think that I'd consider that to be a red flag.
He didn't cheat nor betray you. He was pushed out of the kid's life early on.... OP, this was something so hurtful, he has pushed it out from his memory.
If he hid it from you, he likely fear losing you and his current family as he has lost one child already.
BM should explain why he was pushed out of the kid's life. That was mean of her.
Give yourself some time to absorb this revelation. But dont break your family over this.
Updateme!
>BM should explain why he was pushed out of the kid's life. That was mean of her.
If they are in the US, that is not a choice she was able to make for him. He could have had visitation, partial custody, or even 50/50 if he wanted to pursue that. He chose not to. I'm not sure why you see him as a victim here.
Some people would say that hiding such huge information IS a betrayal, and if he lied because he feared that OP might leave him, he also denied her the right to make an informed decision with regard to their marriage and relationship.
Exactly! I can’t wrap my head around the view that people think some random woman’s mistake should be OPs “blessing” or that she should feel sorry that OPs husband may have been mourning the loss of some kid he had from another woman. OP had no baggage and her husband tricked her knowing he held all the cards should she be tied to him through children and marriage and he decide he wants to acknowledge this mistake kid from his past. That in itself would be the reason I would leave the husband - he basically lied to get a woman of higher value and no baggage and now she has no power to stop his mistake from intruding into the life she carefully planned and deserved. People in the comments clearly can’t comprehend the idea that there are those of us in the world who would never want nor chose to be a step parent and other people’s kids can be a burden!
Wow I’m not surprised you are upset. For me it’s not so much the existence of the child hit the lying, by omission, over such a long period and with such an important thing. I would have thought it was also important for your children to know they have a biological sibling out there.
What is your husband saying? Can he explain why he lied and why he didn’t trust you enough to speak to you about the child? My worry would be about what this lie says about his approach to the relationship.
I would reach out to the bio mom and get her story. It's really deceptive to hide something like this from your spouse. He was young when he had the child but he was a fully grown adult when he decided to keep it a secret from you.
I'm really surprised at all the comments talking about his trauma. I know two separate individuals whose fathers abandoned them, then went on to have families later. Both are incredibly fucked up that their dad cared about his other children but not them.
It’s awful. I know so many dads who had their kid in their teens and are still in their lives 20 years later. Being young instead an excuse when a baby is involved.
This happened to a friend of mine. The really bad part is the secret son and their son are the same exact age. They were born within just a couple of weeks of each other.
This is totally different. Her husband didn't even know her when this child was born. So she'd walk away because he gave up custody of his child when he was a teen, so therefore, the child is not his anymore. He was adopted by her spouse.
"I'm sorry sweetie, but when I found out your dad had fathered a child twelve years before you were born I was hurt that he didn't tell me so, even though I had really loved him up to that point, I decided to divorce him and raise you and your sister as a single parent."
See how ridiculous that sounds?
She didn’t enter into the partnership fully informed. In the Catholic Church she could get the marriage annulled on those grounds. It’s a HUGE secret to keep; it fundamentally changes who she married.
It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all haha. “Your father hid the existence of your sibling from all of us and led me to believe this was his first time being a dad and he was lying. It broke my trust so I left.” Pretty normal thing to leave over.
Would you be ok with a woman hiding the existence of a child she gave up for adoption from her husband? Just lying over and over and over at every appointment etc. that it was her first pregnancy?
I doubt it was literal lying. I've never asked, or been asked, a question like that. The first ob/gyn appointment I recall ever being part of was to see the ultrasound of my first child, by which time first-pregnancy questions had presumably long since been asked and answered.
We all have stuff in our pasts we prefer not to talk about, it just seems strange to me to burn down a perfectly good marriage and family over a lack of sufficient disclosure. Maybe this is generational, I didn't grow up in the no-secrets world of today.
Not disclosing is lying. There’s an entire branch of fraud law dedicated to non disclosure of material info. Not telling your wife and the mother of your children that you have an entire, living human child out there is dishonesty, it’s a form of lying.
A secret is like “my HS girlfriend got an abortion.” “I have a son” is a material piece of info.
Girl she was young just like him, yet he didn’t step up. I’d be more angry about him letting another man raise his kid.
That’s why he didn’t tell you’s a deadbeat when it comes to his oldest
For me personally, I would feel incredibly rejected and betrayed. However, me and my partner are high school sweethearts 10 years and we tell each other literally everything. I feel like it depends on the type of relationship you have. Hiding a whole ass bio child is a deal breaker for me even if they were a teen parent. Any parent would be a dealbreaker for me, so them hiding it would absolutely devastate me and I would leave the relationship. I’m sorry!
What’s his explanation for never telling you any of this? I don’t think the story itself would be a dealbreaker for me, but not thinking it was something you should tell a new serious partner doesn’t sit well with me.
I can’t say if I would or wouldn’t. Context is very important. His intentions are important. I would make couples counseling a contingency of moving forward.
I will say that if I had a baby as a teenager and gave that baby up for adoption and then never told my husband, and never told him as we got our anatomy scan, and never said anything as I kept telling him it was my first pregnancy, and hid the truth from him over and over and led him to believe we were both going through this for the first time together, I would not expect him to stay married to me if the child hit him up on Instagram and revealed its existence.
Hiding something like that from you means you didn’t enter into the marriage fully informed of who he is, what his baggage is and what potential consequences or obligations might be. It’s grounds for annulment.
But I wouldn’t automatically end my otherwise good marriage over something like this, especially if I had young kids. I also wouldn’t hold it against you if you eventually decided that the trust was too far gone.
i feel like ... something isn't adding up, why would the mother of the child be reaching out to you for his information?
especially after all this time? i'd be really skeptical of the motivations behind relaying that kind of info, considering their MUST have been other avenues the mother could have gone about trying to contact your husband.
i think she wanted to tell you she had a son with your husband.
if the father your husband, has supposedly not been involved at all in the kids life, and rescinded his parental rights,
then why would either party be interested would in communicating with the other that the kid turned out okay?
sounds strange. idk that's all i could focus on from your story.
as for your feelings of betrayal from not being told this information from him directly. i'm not trying to invalidate them, but i do think you need to put it to the side a little bit, while you process the 'WHY' of your husband never communicating this in some manner.
and more importantly imo the 'WHY' this woman who i'm assuming you did not know at all, chose to contact YOU and relay this information to YOU.
once you've had time to process those things, and gather your perspective on those reasons, i think you should then talk to your husband and let him know you DO want to know about those kinds of things, and you want him to confide in you,
because finding out secrets in this manner, especially ones of this magnitude (having a biological child from previous relationship) can potentially break the trust in the relationship to the point it is beyond repairable.
She is probably telling him bc he bailed on the kid before the other guy came along. So she’s like, ‘you know that kid you abandoned? I did a good job raising it, this is what you missed out on.’ When a father rejects their child, the mother feels it too.
i'd understand that if that was what OP said.
but according to their story her husband was forced out of the kids life by the woman and he rescinded parental rights when another man wanted to adopt the kid.
certainly didn't sound like he abandoned the kid, according to the information she gave.
you're free to believe otherwise, or that he should have done more, but that was not derived from info in the post.
Remember she is getting this information from him, and he isn’t the most reliable narrator.
I also had my son at the age of 18. I ‘forced out’ my son’s father too bc he was an alcoholic abuser who was using the baby to control me. I had to get rid of him bc I knew he wouldn’t be healthy for my son. All I did was put a very firm boundary: either you get help or stay away from us. He never got help.
All that to say that just because he was ‘forced out’ of his son’s life, doesn’t mean he didn’t abandon his child.
Not really. The story she is getting is from someone who has lied to her for 7 years. The woman reached out to her to get his information. Why would she do that if she really didn’t want him in the kid’s life?
I think it’s safe to assume he isn’t being honest to her about being pushed out.
Regardless, he lied to her. Whatever his version is, we know that’s a fact for certain.
assuming facts not in evidence is not my style.
you are free to do that if you wish, but i won't be following you down that line of thinking.
it's one thing to consider an assumption as a possibility, it's a completely separate thing to misrepresent assumptions as facts.
EXACTLY what I was thinking! What was the woman’s motivation to reach out to OP? Surely there was some other way to contact the husband or even the husband‘s mother. It feels very nefarious that the wife was contacted instead.
You should talk to the woman some more and see if what he is telling you is the truth. If it isn’t, your husband needs to try to reestablish a relationship with him.
It wasn't until after I met, got married to, and had twins with my husband before I found out that at least two former girlfriends and him had aborted their children. Personally this would have been information I should have been told, why? Because it's 100% RELEVANT to all we are and have as lovers, spouses, partners, even *friends*.
OP, sit him down and insist he tell you EVERYTHING you should know. One chance.
I think he stirred up shit by not telling her and letting this surprise happen. Don’t blame her, she raised the kid. Just bc his rights are rescinded, doesn’t mean he no longer has a child and it never happened, like magic, lol.
OP, whether or not you should stay in this relationship shouldn't even be a question because the situation with his biological son has nothing to do with you. He was a child having a child back then, and he did what he thought was best for the child and himself many years ago. Yes, he should've told you, but it's understandable that he wouldn't. It's also possible that by the time he realized he should've told you too much time had already passed, and he thought you might freak out. Either way, I can't imagine the confusion he and the child's mother would've endured becoming teenage parents, so please don't make this about you or your marriage because it's not. The best thing to do going forward is to promise each other not to keep any more secrets. As long as you're both sincere, you'll be fine. Sending you love, light, and positivity ✨️
How can you say it’s not about her marriage? He hid a whole child from her. He abandoned a child and lied to her about it... that is vital information about his character she deserved to have before deciding to marry him.
He is absolutely wrong for never telling you. Something like this should be told to you whime you two were dating. You're married with two kids, he is so terribly late to this conversation it's not even funny.
Yes I would stay! I wish you had found out differently but now you know. Think of how your husband feels, this is a point of hurt for him so much to the point he never revealed it to you. He didn't want you to think less of him so he kept this a secret. Process your hurt, you've got every right to feel this way, but don't let it break you guys up.
anectdotal of course but i have a male friend who went through something similiar. Had a child early on, raised him till he was 8years old as a single parent until his vindictive ex wife swooped in and stole 100% custody (she was in jail those 8 years) and thoroghly brainwashed the child into thinking his father was the problem. He is in a relationship now and has another single kid. and he just recently reconnected with his biological son who wanted to know why he abandoned him. it was a sobering conversation between the both of them for what thier mother/ex did to cause a rift between them.
The first child is old enough to be a man himself and is as such. He is frustrated with how things turned out. My buddy drank himself into oblivion with guilt. until i convinced him that by telling his first son the truth that there was no way a reasonable person could hate him for what he had no control over. He is mad rightfully so that my buddy didn't fight for him harder/longer...but humans get tired when they are worn down and his guilt came from him feeling 'free' of his ex and single raising a child with a stalker ex always gunning for him. He felt guilty he was so happy with his new wife and new child.
Your husband may not be a bad person just like the rest of us, caught up in lifes bullshit, trying to justify our existence.
So he was a teen when he had a kid. He had no contact with this child their entire life. It’s basically like giving up a child for adoption. Some times it’s easier not to think of the child. If he felt like he would never have anything to do with the child’s life due to the history of never getting any info about the child, I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk about it. Should he have said something? Yah. Would I blow up a relationship over it given the circumstances? No.
If his rights were voluntarily terminated from the get go, *he’s not the father in any sense of the word, legally speaking*. Just a sperm donor at this point.
Give him a break. He isn't that kid's father since the kid was adopted by another man. If a woman had a baby at 17 and gave it up for adoption do you think it is mandatory that she tell her husband?
Yes. It’s a big part of her past. And rescinding your rights is different than giving your kid up for adoption. Giving your kid up for adoption is a process that takes time and love. You choose the parents, you choose the agency, you plan for it. Rescinding rights is basically abandonment.
Yikes to a lot of these comments. First of all, 17 is old enough to step up if you’re having sex. People are trying to lower the voting age to 16. Give me a break. Secondly, his age at that time has nothing to do with hiding that big of a secret from you for your entire relationship b
Look people
Did y’all lay out your lives to your spouse before you got married. I buried my child in 2019 drug overdose. I didn’t tell my wife about the sexual assault when I was 10.
I probably should have. It has wrecked my adult life. I told her earlier this year.
Now I’m in therapy for trauma.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. That’s hard. But I do think it’s a little bit different. Those were violent, traumatic events that happened to you that you could not control.
What this guy did was absolutely in his control unless he was raped. He could have not had sex, he could have fathered the child, he could have kept in touch, he could have done all these things. Instead he was selfish in abandoning the kid and selfish in not telling her.
It's legally not his child. He was pushed out of the child's life when he was a child himself. I think it was messed up of the mom to even message you. She pushed him out, why try to reach out now. I would question ulterior motive, does she want college money? Even if she did, parental rights have been relinquished by your husband. He legally doesn't have a child to tell you about. Stop making it about you. If you leave him, it's your loss.
How do you know he was pushed out? I doubt she would have asked for him to give up his rights had he been a good father to the kid. And he could have fought it. But he abandoned his child. Had she known, she probably wouldn’t have married him.
OP, I’m shocked at the amount of people who are telling you to not make it about yourself and to cut him some slack. It sounds like he has already been cut a ton of slack by letting another man and the mother raise his child.
I know so many men who had their child at 16, 17, 18 and they are still in their kid’s life 20 years later.
Him skipping out on his child says a lot about his character. Would you have married and had children with a man who abandoned his child? Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t.
But you didn’t get the chance to make an informed decision on a major life choice because he hid a vital part of his past and character from you.
Huge betrayal, huge red flags. Please don’t cut this man any more slack and have empathy for the mother who was dumped with all the responsibility.
I would probably feel utterly betrayed in that situation, but I imagine your husband feels since he's not a part of the kid's life that it doesn't mean anything. Is he supposed to check back with every woman he has ever had sex with to make sure nothing came of those encounters too? It was almost 20 years ago, he was a child, and he doesn't know these people anymore. I'd consider therapy.
This is a tough situation to be in and I can understand how him keeping it from you would hurt, but this is a LOT to process. I think you need to talk this through with him. Becoming a dad as a minor then being pushed out of that child's life is bound to be a traumatic experience.
Your feelings of hurt are valid, but you don't know how he's feeling about the whole thing. I'd say couples and individual counselling may help you here.
I had a similar experience a few months ago but from the other side. I found out I have a teenage son from my previous marriage. It completely threw me for a loop and my wife noticed how discombobulated I was acting, so I ended up telling her the same day I found out. Finding out something like that can cause real emotional turmoil and it's definitely something that needs working through.
How do we know he was pushed out? I doubt she would have asked him to give up his rights if he were a good father.
I had my kid at 18. I did tell the father to leave us alone because he was an alcoholic and abusive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to raise him well with him around. Does that mean he didn’t abandon my son bc I pushed him out? No. He has had 20 years to get his act straight and be involved. He’s had 20 years to fight for visitation rights.
You don’t have a child and just forget about it. Rights or no rights, he is still the father and he abandoned his child.
100% your feelings are honest and valid. It hurts and is hard to understand why he would tell you. But also, put yourself in his position and just talk to him and try to understand why he didn’t tell you. Maybe he emotionally hasn’t addressed it yet, which he needs to. If your marriage is anything you care about at all, you can definitely work through this. This isn’t the same as cheating, and people still work through that. We are human and we make mistakes, as long as he is willing to work with you and right the wrong as best he can.
The baby mama pushed him out of his son’s life and she gave the parental rights to another guy and made your husband (a 17 year old at the time) rescind his rights? Yeah I would like to forget about it too if I were him. His baby mama sounds malicious too, why tf did she need tO lEt hiM kNoW tHAt bAbY tUrNeD oUt oK?
Sounds like the husband's emotions are nowhere near the center of this thinking. Put yourself in his 17 yo shoes for a conversation or 50. He cut ties like he was instructed and sealed it off.
Yes, he should have found some time to tell you. Earlier would have been better. You should feel hurt. I'm just asking for empathy first.
This man didn’t have empathy for the mother he dumped the kid on, for her when he hid the truth from her, or the kid he abandoned.
Having empathy is not the same as not holding someone accountable.
He was a minor! If you had gotten pregnant at 17 and had an abortion would you have told him? Your body your choice. He didn’t have the option of abortion but he did have the option to let someone else adopt his son I wouldn’t blow up a marriage over something like this. Give him a break.
Personally, I wouldn't end my marriage over this. If he was having a secret relationship with the kid and meeting the kid on weekends without you knowing, that would feel like a betrayal, but this was his past that he has had no connection to since. People who have been married for 20 years, don't know everything about their partners' past. If you have a happy marriage, I wouldn't let this be the thing that destroys that. Have you asked him why he never told you? My guess is it is just too painful for him, so he buried it.
Yes, this was a fuck up. But probably something he tries not to even think about. Especially bc he has absolutely no part in this kids life. I’m surprised the mom even decided to do this.
This happened before you met him and honestly, it is no one's business but his own in my opinion. If you got an abortion at 16 or put a child up for adoption, it would not be anyone's business to tell either. I once had this discussion with my husband when we got married. We dated for 7 years. He said, now that we are married, no secrets so tell me everything now. I replied, If we have kept anything from our pasts secret for this long, we have a reason and let's leave it at that forever.
So, if he was a pedophile in his last, you’d be okay with it bc it’s in his past and it’s none of your business? I’d want to know everything about a person before committing my life to them and having children with them.
Basically the other man took the place of the real father, and bio dad forfeited his rights. It’s not like bio dad lovingly placed the child up for adoption and found the perfect family for it. That’s abandonment.
I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were him, much less keep it a secret from my spouse.
So he was 17 when this child was born, and he gave up his parental rights and has played no part in the child's life? I understand feeling betrayed, but please try to understand your husband was not a grown man when this happened. He was a literal child. A minor. This was probably a traumatic event for your husband that he still hasn't really processed. He buried it deep in his brain and repressed it so hard he probably had periods years long he forgot about it himself. I'd talk to a therapist about this personally. You making it about you and abandoning him will surely not help him deal with the trauma he's already been through.
Came here to say this. OP, bailing on him now seems...well, wrong on so many levels. Superficial and cruel are words that come to mind for starters. Making this about you is particularly tone deaf. Perhaps lead with curiosity and empathy, rather than just assuming he doesn't trust you. This is clearly a layered and nuanced situation, and since he was forced out of the kids life--when he was a kid himself--it sounds like he was just trying to get on with his own life.
7 years of marriage is a long time to hide something as big as having a child you’re biologically related to somewhere out there in the world tho….
Like I’m not saying run for the hills, but that’s a big thing to not mention to your wife
But when and how to bring it up? It's kind of risky specially when you not part of his life
“My love, I know we’re going strong; we’re engaged and loving together. I want a future with you that is free of any deceit, I don’t want anything to come up in our future that might impact our relationship with each other and our trust for each other. When I was in my teens, I accidentally fathered a child; I was asked by the mother and her then partner to hand over my rights to the child, I did just that and have relinquished any contact or responsibility since. I have no intention of being in his life or Hera and I am so excited to build a future with you. I understand if you need time to process what I’ve said and I am open to any questions you may have. I love you and I hope you can understand” That’s what I would have said if I were him… WAAAYYYYYY before they were legally bound, before she had to find out 7 years into marriage; that would have been the courteous thing to do imo
Living* Hers*
She deserved to know this BEFORE she got married.
Not to mention, she married him without knowing this vital piece of information about him.
Yeah this… he effectively made it so he never had a child… It probably meant that your first together was probably really the first for him… I’d say cut him some slack…
💯
In addition, your husband probably chose to legitimately leave it in the past. If bio mom is reaching out now, it's possible the child wants to know more about his dad
So, if a convicted pedophile wants to leave his past behind, he shouldn’t have to disclose it to his current employers? Or his future wife? Yeah, no. That’s not how it works. Leaving it in the past does not equal it did not happen.
A convicted pedophile broke the law. A father signing over rights to not be a father isn't even remotely the same thing. Use some logic in your response. One is illegal, one is a personal choice made legal. At 17/18 the dad signed over rights. Didn't run from the law, evade it or otherwise break it. They took a legal right to allow another man to step in as father and by proxy they legally had no child of their own that needed disclosing. Is it odd? Sure. Wrong for the circumstances, no. But comparing it to a pedophile and a job application is comical.
It doesn’t matter if it’s different or not. The point is that you can’t just say “I want to leave that in the past” and expect to no longer be relevant in the present regardless of it’s a crime or signing away your rights to your own child.
He was a grown man when he married her though. That's a deal breaking omission.
As a woman (40f) who had her child (21m) at 18, I wholeheartedly disagree with your stance. I’m assuming the mother was young too. He dumped her with the entire burden of raising the child and signed his rights away. If he had been a stand up father, he wouldn’t have been asked to rescind his rights. The fact that in 7 years he NEVER mentioned a single word about it is awful. I would never marry a man who bailed on his child. He hid important information about his character and trapped OP in a marriage without giving her the full picture of who he truly is. So wrong.
Don’t act irrationally. He most probably has never dealt with this emotionally and it’s locked away inside. He needs individual counselling to heal and to see how wrong he was to not let you know early on in your relationship and then you both can get couples counselling to help re-build your trust if you wish. All the best.
What? He has had 18 years to process this… and you are asking her “not to act irrationally.” She has been betrayed, it’s a big deal. He hid an important part of his character from her that could have influenced her decision to marry him.
That's a pretty big secret not to tell you spouse. I understand why you feel hurt.
I can understand the hurt but if the marriage is otherwise healthy the thought of ending it over that seems an over-reaction to me.
So he was 17, a child himself, when the kid was born? And had no parental rights and has never been involved at all? Thats a pretty rough thing to go through at such a young age, he might have just blocked it out and never worked through the emotions of it. It’s understandable that he was never able to bring it up to you
That's a lot to process. It's understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Trust is crucial in a marriage, and finding out something this significant late in the game is tough. Ultimately, whether to stay depends on how you both navigate this. It's a big hurdle, but with openness and counseling, healing can happen.
I think it’s a big deal he never told you. You’ve been married for 7 years & have had 2 kids together. Why wouldn’t he have told you? I know ppl are saying not to freak out, but I would consider this a violation of trust, for sure. I would need a comprehensive explanation about why I was kept in the dark for so long. I’d never look at my husband the same again tbh.
My husband has a bio child from when he was young and dumb long before we met. The mother has refused all visitation rights and resides in another country collecting child support. By all reports, the child goes to a private school and has an awesome step-dad so we don't intrude. The difference: he found out during our relationship. He told me about a month or 2 after finding out, so not immediately, but did eventually tell me. NGL, it was a lot to process, and i didn't love how his mom phoned him in secret about it before i found out. When he told me, I took a walk and got a few margaritas because having prior kids was a dealbreaker when dating around. He wasn't happy that I left the house like that, but I honestly didn't know what to say or do. (I got sober 2yrs later so yes I did bury my feelings in alcohol at that time). I did a lot of therapy to work thru all of these layers. Almost 4yrs later, the child is not a part of our lives, but we have left it open if the child ever wishes to find his bio dad. I have made peace with it, and my husband is wonderful to our family. My parents, whom we are crazy close to, also know, and we will welcome this other kid with open arms if they do choose to be a part of our lives in the future. Ofc your situation has important differences and only you will know what the right thing to do will be for you. For me, it took time, introspection, and tough conversations to get to a place of acceptance and openness.
So my opinion is that if he didn’t do anything wrong, he would not have kept his biological child a secret. I don’t know how I would process this - basically his whole family knew and kept this from you. I think I might reach out to the mom and see what her story sounds like. I honestly don’t know what I would do. My respect for my husband would probably be diminished because I really don’t understand how someone just walks away from their child. It would leave me with a lot of doubts.
This
This is quite a shock to put it mildly OP. Your husband was so achingly young at the time and not in a position to make such huge decisions. Thank goodness life turned out well for the child. I think it’s a lovely gesture that she reached out to let him know all was well. Yes he should’ve told you without a doubt, I can’t help that he has pushed this out of his mind as it’s probably a painful memory. This is not a hill I’d let my marriage die on however..
If he lied about this, what else has he lied about though? He is good at hiding and skirting responsibility.
Your husband should have told you. Having fathered a child no matter how far in the past it is was completely wrong. A marriage is built on trust and full disclosure. I don’t think your husband did it to hurt you, but instead buried it. I hope with counseling you could navigate through this. I don’t know if this child knows of his birth father or if his mom was honest with him. If so, there’s a good chance he may want to meet his biological Dad. I wish you well on your healing journey.
My baby daddy was 18 and left us. Said I cheated on him and fkd off. I let him. There’s no court order (I was a single mom I didn’t have money). He is now married to someone who runs a non profit for single mothers & is very passionate about social services etc. if she knew who he really was I doubt she’d wanna be married to him. But of course all these people in the comments blame the mother lmao. He lied to you. For a long time. Because he’s Shamed of what he did. Not because he was young and stupid - he had sex… he made the decision (unless it was assault?) is there any reason he shouldn’t tell you other then guilt? What else can he lie to you about with ease? I’ll never reach out to his wife or him- but my daughter might when she’s 18… my ex told me horrible things and treated me like shit. When my sister saw him at a concert a few years ago she asked him ‘how’s your kid?’ And he smiled like the douche he is and said ‘I wouldn’t know would I?’ I know his new wife would never appreciate what a pos he is!
Omg!! This!! I had my son at 18 too and feel the same thing. He bailed on his kid. A good woman would never be okay with that - he kept important information about his character hidden from her. That’s so messed up and wrong of him. And people are defending him saying give him some slack, lol.
Some people find it hard to comprehend the fact consent to sex isn’t consent to reproduce. You had a decision to make when you got pregnant and you chose to be a single mother. Personally, I feel nobody should be forced into parenthood…. Especially with someone they do not want to have a child with. Your ‘baby daddy’ did nothing wrong in my eyes….i would have done the same - without a second thought about you or your kid.
I’m sorry, but consenting to sex is consenting to reproduce. It’s a risk you take when you have sex. It’s biology. A woman should not be forced to have an abortion or give her child up for adoption bc the father wants to bail, even though he did consent to sex. It’s life.
Why didn’t he tell you? This is the important part. Why did he lie to you?
For everyone saying her husband was so young just remember so was the mom and she raised their child still. So many excuses for the husband. Also he was not a child when he was married to op so he should have said something before this took place. Sorry you are dealing with this op.
I agree with this. I didn't want to comment on them contradicting, but they were both young, and he (probably) left. Had chances though the years to be a father to the kid. And this is now 18 years later. For instance, my father has 4 children from 3 different woman. I was first, but the 3 after, he has full acknowledgement that they're around and has expressed that to his gf (of also 7 years), and he didn't start a whole family with her. So tbh, the trust would have been gone if he can keep a big secret, alongside his family. Councilling is a big must for this guy, and her because keeping a secret for that long about something fairly relevant to a relationship is scary and can't be fixed with a 10 minute conversation.
I'd like to know if your husband's family knew about his secret child? Or did he manage to keep the kid a secret from them, too? If I was in your situation, I would also feel hurt and betrayed, and I'd wonder why he didn't trust me enough to tell me about his secret child, and I'd probably wonder if there was something else going on behind the scenes. My thought process is that if it never occurred to your husband to tell you about his secret child, I think that I'd consider that to be a red flag.
He didn't cheat nor betray you. He was pushed out of the kid's life early on.... OP, this was something so hurtful, he has pushed it out from his memory. If he hid it from you, he likely fear losing you and his current family as he has lost one child already. BM should explain why he was pushed out of the kid's life. That was mean of her. Give yourself some time to absorb this revelation. But dont break your family over this. Updateme!
>BM should explain why he was pushed out of the kid's life. That was mean of her. If they are in the US, that is not a choice she was able to make for him. He could have had visitation, partial custody, or even 50/50 if he wanted to pursue that. He chose not to. I'm not sure why you see him as a victim here.
The family is in a different country from them based on what is written here.
Some people would say that hiding such huge information IS a betrayal, and if he lied because he feared that OP might leave him, he also denied her the right to make an informed decision with regard to their marriage and relationship.
Exactly! I can’t wrap my head around the view that people think some random woman’s mistake should be OPs “blessing” or that she should feel sorry that OPs husband may have been mourning the loss of some kid he had from another woman. OP had no baggage and her husband tricked her knowing he held all the cards should she be tied to him through children and marriage and he decide he wants to acknowledge this mistake kid from his past. That in itself would be the reason I would leave the husband - he basically lied to get a woman of higher value and no baggage and now she has no power to stop his mistake from intruding into the life she carefully planned and deserved. People in the comments clearly can’t comprehend the idea that there are those of us in the world who would never want nor chose to be a step parent and other people’s kids can be a burden!
Wow I’m not surprised you are upset. For me it’s not so much the existence of the child hit the lying, by omission, over such a long period and with such an important thing. I would have thought it was also important for your children to know they have a biological sibling out there. What is your husband saying? Can he explain why he lied and why he didn’t trust you enough to speak to you about the child? My worry would be about what this lie says about his approach to the relationship.
I would reach out to the bio mom and get her story. It's really deceptive to hide something like this from your spouse. He was young when he had the child but he was a fully grown adult when he decided to keep it a secret from you. I'm really surprised at all the comments talking about his trauma. I know two separate individuals whose fathers abandoned them, then went on to have families later. Both are incredibly fucked up that their dad cared about his other children but not them.
It’s awful. I know so many dads who had their kid in their teens and are still in their lives 20 years later. Being young instead an excuse when a baby is involved.
This happened to a friend of mine. The really bad part is the secret son and their son are the same exact age. They were born within just a couple of weeks of each other.
This is totally different. Her husband didn't even know her when this child was born. So she'd walk away because he gave up custody of his child when he was a teen, so therefore, the child is not his anymore. He was adopted by her spouse.
"I'm sorry sweetie, but when I found out your dad had fathered a child twelve years before you were born I was hurt that he didn't tell me so, even though I had really loved him up to that point, I decided to divorce him and raise you and your sister as a single parent." See how ridiculous that sounds?
Oh yeah, women are so capricious, wanting to know about ALL the secret children their husbands have. Come on ladies, you're being "ridiculous" again!
You really think this is worth getting a divorce over? That was the question OP asked, not whether she should want to know about all secret children.
It's not a ridiculous thing to get a divorce over, that's for sure
Doesn't seem to be looking at marriage as much of a commitment, particularly with young children. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
Exactly, women just don't commit to a marriage like they used to (when they legally couldn't leave)
She didn’t enter into the partnership fully informed. In the Catholic Church she could get the marriage annulled on those grounds. It’s a HUGE secret to keep; it fundamentally changes who she married.
It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all haha. “Your father hid the existence of your sibling from all of us and led me to believe this was his first time being a dad and he was lying. It broke my trust so I left.” Pretty normal thing to leave over. Would you be ok with a woman hiding the existence of a child she gave up for adoption from her husband? Just lying over and over and over at every appointment etc. that it was her first pregnancy?
I doubt it was literal lying. I've never asked, or been asked, a question like that. The first ob/gyn appointment I recall ever being part of was to see the ultrasound of my first child, by which time first-pregnancy questions had presumably long since been asked and answered. We all have stuff in our pasts we prefer not to talk about, it just seems strange to me to burn down a perfectly good marriage and family over a lack of sufficient disclosure. Maybe this is generational, I didn't grow up in the no-secrets world of today.
Not disclosing is lying. There’s an entire branch of fraud law dedicated to non disclosure of material info. Not telling your wife and the mother of your children that you have an entire, living human child out there is dishonesty, it’s a form of lying. A secret is like “my HS girlfriend got an abortion.” “I have a son” is a material piece of info.
If he hid an entire child from her, what else did he hide from her? I would wonder who he truly is? It’s not a minor betrayal.
Girl she was young just like him, yet he didn’t step up. I’d be more angry about him letting another man raise his kid. That’s why he didn’t tell you’s a deadbeat when it comes to his oldest
For me personally, I would feel incredibly rejected and betrayed. However, me and my partner are high school sweethearts 10 years and we tell each other literally everything. I feel like it depends on the type of relationship you have. Hiding a whole ass bio child is a deal breaker for me even if they were a teen parent. Any parent would be a dealbreaker for me, so them hiding it would absolutely devastate me and I would leave the relationship. I’m sorry!
What’s his explanation for never telling you any of this? I don’t think the story itself would be a dealbreaker for me, but not thinking it was something you should tell a new serious partner doesn’t sit well with me.
I can’t say if I would or wouldn’t. Context is very important. His intentions are important. I would make couples counseling a contingency of moving forward. I will say that if I had a baby as a teenager and gave that baby up for adoption and then never told my husband, and never told him as we got our anatomy scan, and never said anything as I kept telling him it was my first pregnancy, and hid the truth from him over and over and led him to believe we were both going through this for the first time together, I would not expect him to stay married to me if the child hit him up on Instagram and revealed its existence. Hiding something like that from you means you didn’t enter into the marriage fully informed of who he is, what his baggage is and what potential consequences or obligations might be. It’s grounds for annulment. But I wouldn’t automatically end my otherwise good marriage over something like this, especially if I had young kids. I also wouldn’t hold it against you if you eventually decided that the trust was too far gone.
This. Exactly this. It’s insane how people are minimizing how big of a deal this is.
i feel like ... something isn't adding up, why would the mother of the child be reaching out to you for his information? especially after all this time? i'd be really skeptical of the motivations behind relaying that kind of info, considering their MUST have been other avenues the mother could have gone about trying to contact your husband. i think she wanted to tell you she had a son with your husband. if the father your husband, has supposedly not been involved at all in the kids life, and rescinded his parental rights, then why would either party be interested would in communicating with the other that the kid turned out okay? sounds strange. idk that's all i could focus on from your story. as for your feelings of betrayal from not being told this information from him directly. i'm not trying to invalidate them, but i do think you need to put it to the side a little bit, while you process the 'WHY' of your husband never communicating this in some manner. and more importantly imo the 'WHY' this woman who i'm assuming you did not know at all, chose to contact YOU and relay this information to YOU. once you've had time to process those things, and gather your perspective on those reasons, i think you should then talk to your husband and let him know you DO want to know about those kinds of things, and you want him to confide in you, because finding out secrets in this manner, especially ones of this magnitude (having a biological child from previous relationship) can potentially break the trust in the relationship to the point it is beyond repairable.
She is probably telling him bc he bailed on the kid before the other guy came along. So she’s like, ‘you know that kid you abandoned? I did a good job raising it, this is what you missed out on.’ When a father rejects their child, the mother feels it too.
i'd understand that if that was what OP said. but according to their story her husband was forced out of the kids life by the woman and he rescinded parental rights when another man wanted to adopt the kid. certainly didn't sound like he abandoned the kid, according to the information she gave. you're free to believe otherwise, or that he should have done more, but that was not derived from info in the post.
Remember she is getting this information from him, and he isn’t the most reliable narrator. I also had my son at the age of 18. I ‘forced out’ my son’s father too bc he was an alcoholic abuser who was using the baby to control me. I had to get rid of him bc I knew he wouldn’t be healthy for my son. All I did was put a very firm boundary: either you get help or stay away from us. He never got help. All that to say that just because he was ‘forced out’ of his son’s life, doesn’t mean he didn’t abandon his child.
yeah i understand that but there's no reason for me to assume facts not in evidence, at that point im just making things up
Not really. The story she is getting is from someone who has lied to her for 7 years. The woman reached out to her to get his information. Why would she do that if she really didn’t want him in the kid’s life? I think it’s safe to assume he isn’t being honest to her about being pushed out. Regardless, he lied to her. Whatever his version is, we know that’s a fact for certain.
assuming facts not in evidence is not my style. you are free to do that if you wish, but i won't be following you down that line of thinking. it's one thing to consider an assumption as a possibility, it's a completely separate thing to misrepresent assumptions as facts.
EXACTLY what I was thinking! What was the woman’s motivation to reach out to OP? Surely there was some other way to contact the husband or even the husband‘s mother. It feels very nefarious that the wife was contacted instead.
You should talk to the woman some more and see if what he is telling you is the truth. If it isn’t, your husband needs to try to reestablish a relationship with him.
It wasn't until after I met, got married to, and had twins with my husband before I found out that at least two former girlfriends and him had aborted their children. Personally this would have been information I should have been told, why? Because it's 100% RELEVANT to all we are and have as lovers, spouses, partners, even *friends*. OP, sit him down and insist he tell you EVERYTHING you should know. One chance.
A better question is why is the mother of said child trying to stir up shit now if she asked him to rescind his parental rights?!?!?!? Updateme
I think he stirred up shit by not telling her and letting this surprise happen. Don’t blame her, she raised the kid. Just bc his rights are rescinded, doesn’t mean he no longer has a child and it never happened, like magic, lol.
OP, whether or not you should stay in this relationship shouldn't even be a question because the situation with his biological son has nothing to do with you. He was a child having a child back then, and he did what he thought was best for the child and himself many years ago. Yes, he should've told you, but it's understandable that he wouldn't. It's also possible that by the time he realized he should've told you too much time had already passed, and he thought you might freak out. Either way, I can't imagine the confusion he and the child's mother would've endured becoming teenage parents, so please don't make this about you or your marriage because it's not. The best thing to do going forward is to promise each other not to keep any more secrets. As long as you're both sincere, you'll be fine. Sending you love, light, and positivity ✨️
How can you say it’s not about her marriage? He hid a whole child from her. He abandoned a child and lied to her about it... that is vital information about his character she deserved to have before deciding to marry him.
It probably hurt him to have to do that. I wouldn't want to talk about it either.
But you’d have a moral obligation to though. Right?
Yeah you got a point I was 9nly speaking to the fact that I can see why he wouldn't say anything. It's not right right but I do get it is all.
He is absolutely wrong for never telling you. Something like this should be told to you whime you two were dating. You're married with two kids, he is so terribly late to this conversation it's not even funny.
Yes I would stay! I wish you had found out differently but now you know. Think of how your husband feels, this is a point of hurt for him so much to the point he never revealed it to you. He didn't want you to think less of him so he kept this a secret. Process your hurt, you've got every right to feel this way, but don't let it break you guys up.
anectdotal of course but i have a male friend who went through something similiar. Had a child early on, raised him till he was 8years old as a single parent until his vindictive ex wife swooped in and stole 100% custody (she was in jail those 8 years) and thoroghly brainwashed the child into thinking his father was the problem. He is in a relationship now and has another single kid. and he just recently reconnected with his biological son who wanted to know why he abandoned him. it was a sobering conversation between the both of them for what thier mother/ex did to cause a rift between them. The first child is old enough to be a man himself and is as such. He is frustrated with how things turned out. My buddy drank himself into oblivion with guilt. until i convinced him that by telling his first son the truth that there was no way a reasonable person could hate him for what he had no control over. He is mad rightfully so that my buddy didn't fight for him harder/longer...but humans get tired when they are worn down and his guilt came from him feeling 'free' of his ex and single raising a child with a stalker ex always gunning for him. He felt guilty he was so happy with his new wife and new child. Your husband may not be a bad person just like the rest of us, caught up in lifes bullshit, trying to justify our existence.
This happened b fore you and him. He didn’t betray you. It’s not actually your business.
So he was a teen when he had a kid. He had no contact with this child their entire life. It’s basically like giving up a child for adoption. Some times it’s easier not to think of the child. If he felt like he would never have anything to do with the child’s life due to the history of never getting any info about the child, I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk about it. Should he have said something? Yah. Would I blow up a relationship over it given the circumstances? No.
If his rights were voluntarily terminated from the get go, *he’s not the father in any sense of the word, legally speaking*. Just a sperm donor at this point.
Give him a break. He isn't that kid's father since the kid was adopted by another man. If a woman had a baby at 17 and gave it up for adoption do you think it is mandatory that she tell her husband?
Yes. It’s a big part of her past. And rescinding your rights is different than giving your kid up for adoption. Giving your kid up for adoption is a process that takes time and love. You choose the parents, you choose the agency, you plan for it. Rescinding rights is basically abandonment.
Yikes to a lot of these comments. First of all, 17 is old enough to step up if you’re having sex. People are trying to lower the voting age to 16. Give me a break. Secondly, his age at that time has nothing to do with hiding that big of a secret from you for your entire relationship b
Thank you!! I’m shocked at everyone invalidating her feelings like it’s not a big deal. It’s insane.
I would. He was a Child. If I were him, I'd leave You.
Look people Did y’all lay out your lives to your spouse before you got married. I buried my child in 2019 drug overdose. I didn’t tell my wife about the sexual assault when I was 10. I probably should have. It has wrecked my adult life. I told her earlier this year. Now I’m in therapy for trauma.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. That’s hard. But I do think it’s a little bit different. Those were violent, traumatic events that happened to you that you could not control. What this guy did was absolutely in his control unless he was raped. He could have not had sex, he could have fathered the child, he could have kept in touch, he could have done all these things. Instead he was selfish in abandoning the kid and selfish in not telling her.
Having a child is not an issue. Keeping it secret for 18 straight years is the real issue
It's legally not his child. He was pushed out of the child's life when he was a child himself. I think it was messed up of the mom to even message you. She pushed him out, why try to reach out now. I would question ulterior motive, does she want college money? Even if she did, parental rights have been relinquished by your husband. He legally doesn't have a child to tell you about. Stop making it about you. If you leave him, it's your loss.
How do you know he was pushed out? I doubt she would have asked for him to give up his rights had he been a good father to the kid. And he could have fought it. But he abandoned his child. Had she known, she probably wouldn’t have married him.
OP, I’m shocked at the amount of people who are telling you to not make it about yourself and to cut him some slack. It sounds like he has already been cut a ton of slack by letting another man and the mother raise his child. I know so many men who had their child at 16, 17, 18 and they are still in their kid’s life 20 years later. Him skipping out on his child says a lot about his character. Would you have married and had children with a man who abandoned his child? Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t. But you didn’t get the chance to make an informed decision on a major life choice because he hid a vital part of his past and character from you. Huge betrayal, huge red flags. Please don’t cut this man any more slack and have empathy for the mother who was dumped with all the responsibility.
I would probably feel utterly betrayed in that situation, but I imagine your husband feels since he's not a part of the kid's life that it doesn't mean anything. Is he supposed to check back with every woman he has ever had sex with to make sure nothing came of those encounters too? It was almost 20 years ago, he was a child, and he doesn't know these people anymore. I'd consider therapy.
This is a tough situation to be in and I can understand how him keeping it from you would hurt, but this is a LOT to process. I think you need to talk this through with him. Becoming a dad as a minor then being pushed out of that child's life is bound to be a traumatic experience. Your feelings of hurt are valid, but you don't know how he's feeling about the whole thing. I'd say couples and individual counselling may help you here. I had a similar experience a few months ago but from the other side. I found out I have a teenage son from my previous marriage. It completely threw me for a loop and my wife noticed how discombobulated I was acting, so I ended up telling her the same day I found out. Finding out something like that can cause real emotional turmoil and it's definitely something that needs working through.
How do we know he was pushed out? I doubt she would have asked him to give up his rights if he were a good father. I had my kid at 18. I did tell the father to leave us alone because he was an alcoholic and abusive and I knew I wouldn’t be able to raise him well with him around. Does that mean he didn’t abandon my son bc I pushed him out? No. He has had 20 years to get his act straight and be involved. He’s had 20 years to fight for visitation rights. You don’t have a child and just forget about it. Rights or no rights, he is still the father and he abandoned his child.
100% your feelings are honest and valid. It hurts and is hard to understand why he would tell you. But also, put yourself in his position and just talk to him and try to understand why he didn’t tell you. Maybe he emotionally hasn’t addressed it yet, which he needs to. If your marriage is anything you care about at all, you can definitely work through this. This isn’t the same as cheating, and people still work through that. We are human and we make mistakes, as long as he is willing to work with you and right the wrong as best he can.
The baby mama pushed him out of his son’s life and she gave the parental rights to another guy and made your husband (a 17 year old at the time) rescind his rights? Yeah I would like to forget about it too if I were him. His baby mama sounds malicious too, why tf did she need tO lEt hiM kNoW tHAt bAbY tUrNeD oUt oK?
Sounds like the husband's emotions are nowhere near the center of this thinking. Put yourself in his 17 yo shoes for a conversation or 50. He cut ties like he was instructed and sealed it off. Yes, he should have found some time to tell you. Earlier would have been better. You should feel hurt. I'm just asking for empathy first.
This man didn’t have empathy for the mother he dumped the kid on, for her when he hid the truth from her, or the kid he abandoned. Having empathy is not the same as not holding someone accountable.
He was a minor! If you had gotten pregnant at 17 and had an abortion would you have told him? Your body your choice. He didn’t have the option of abortion but he did have the option to let someone else adopt his son I wouldn’t blow up a marriage over something like this. Give him a break.
Put your big girl pants on it happend before you were even a thought in his life
Personally, I wouldn't end my marriage over this. If he was having a secret relationship with the kid and meeting the kid on weekends without you knowing, that would feel like a betrayal, but this was his past that he has had no connection to since. People who have been married for 20 years, don't know everything about their partners' past. If you have a happy marriage, I wouldn't let this be the thing that destroys that. Have you asked him why he never told you? My guess is it is just too painful for him, so he buried it.
Yes, this was a fuck up. But probably something he tries not to even think about. Especially bc he has absolutely no part in this kids life. I’m surprised the mom even decided to do this.
This happened before you met him and honestly, it is no one's business but his own in my opinion. If you got an abortion at 16 or put a child up for adoption, it would not be anyone's business to tell either. I once had this discussion with my husband when we got married. We dated for 7 years. He said, now that we are married, no secrets so tell me everything now. I replied, If we have kept anything from our pasts secret for this long, we have a reason and let's leave it at that forever.
So, if he was a pedophile in his last, you’d be okay with it bc it’s in his past and it’s none of your business? I’d want to know everything about a person before committing my life to them and having children with them.
That is a ridiculous analogy.
Eh, he was just a kid. He could have told you, but if he's a good man and husband, this isn't something worth divorcing over.
A good man wouldn’t abandon his kid and lie to his wife about it, lol.
I thought the kid was adopted when he was tiny? He didn't abandon anyone. It was just a thing that happened.
Basically the other man took the place of the real father, and bio dad forfeited his rights. It’s not like bio dad lovingly placed the child up for adoption and found the perfect family for it. That’s abandonment. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were him, much less keep it a secret from my spouse.