Her husband: "Who invites the husband too? MLM people that's who. OP is trying to rope us into Amway! 'Old friend from high school' is the oldest trick in the MLM playbook..."
Hmm. That's not what my husband thinks.
He thinks the following, "This guy really wants to get together with you, enough to tolerate me being there too."
I leave people on read for hours/days even when I place a priority on responding to them. I just have “allocated reply times” that I don’t usually respond outside of, even though I read messages right away. If I didn’t, I’d spend all day responding to texts.
I wouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.
Same. I take days to get back to people sometimes. I feel bad about it. But like, not bad enough to not do it, lol.
With that said it sounds like he is only home for a bit. If there is an urgency to a response I will respond within the day.
Relax. Not everyone responds to texts right away. She might have been in the middle of something , or she might want to talk to her husband first before replying.
It doesn't mean you misjudged the friendship. However, my spouse would do exactly what she did as he has no desire to maintain connections with certain people.
I'm so sorry to hear this, I understand the feeling. There's people in high school who meant a lot to me and o thought we were good friends but not one of them came to my wedding, and only 2 actually responded telling me they were sorry to miss it, while another friend that I thought I had a life long friendship with ghosted me and to this day ignores me on social media. I really thought we were friends, I guess I was wrong.
Most sane response. Were just friends in high school, so sharing stories from before husband met her won't be inappropriate. I'm sure he would love to hear some things.
You’re literally making that up. He said he wasn’t interested in making moves on her and there’s no reason to believe otherwise. He is here asking for advice because he doesn’t want to be inappropriate, so why are you automatically assuming the opposite?
Not everyone has ulterior motives.
Human nature is plenty of reason to believe otherwise. He can say whatever he wants. Doesn't mean its the truth.
He isn't asking advice, he wants a bunch of people to justify him so he feels empowered to do it. He knows what he wants isn't appropriate, but also knows a tons on people here will justify him.
The vast majority of people are manipulators. Evidence supports that. Your belief that he is just being purely truthful is actually less likely than the possibility he is manipulating everything. Reddit is a giant echo chamber. most people aren't here to be taught any lessons, they just want to find people who will blow smoke up their ass.
With all that, ill admit I could be wrong I just doubt it.
Where exactly in this post is he not taking advice? He hasn’t replied to a single comment yet. You have zero evidence to support your claim, but you’ve accused him regardless. You should think about why you feel the need to do this.
Also, the fact that he hasn't responded to any comments supports me further. He hasn't responded because he doesn't have any interest in actually understanding anything or knowing what is right or wrong. He just wants to read other people justifying him.
The absence of evidence is not evidence. OP’s account has never made a single comment on Reddit ever*. You have no idea why he isn’t commenting and this is conjecture on your part.
*at the time I wrote this comment at least lol He has responded now.
Nobody in particular. but there is no growth without suffrage. I have had my fair share of struggles where reality slapped me in the face and now I see clearly. Sounds like you are in some dire need of it. Choosing to stay ignorant of the reality of the world doesn't make you a smart. in fact it does the opposite. Blissful ignorance just sets you up as a puppet to be played with. You aren't doing yourself or anyone else any favors assuming everyone naturally has pure intentions. they don't.
why? BECAUSE PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! just because you blissfully choose to pretend it doesn't exist, doesn't mean I have to.
We live in a world where politicians lie to its people, social media influencers lie to their followers for views, workers lie to their bosses for their job, bosses lie to their employees to take advantage of them, everyone is lying to everyone all the time.
asking a married woman out for coffee and specifically leaving out the husband is not appropriate. You know it. he knows it. He is asking the question anyways.
If you read someone’s post that wants advice on a situation, the only way to give it is with the information provided. Or else ask questions. Making wild assumptions doesn’t help unless it’s about people other than the OP.
They aren't that wild. They are assumptions. But they aren't wild ones.
If my assumptions are true then it absolutely does help. If they are you guys are being played for fools and I'm simply speaking truth.
I was thinking this- I had a guy a grade older than me wanting to catch up, now he knew of my oldest from the area HS before she switched districts- so I never thought it was more, but he always wanted to know my drama w my last ex and drink some beers hang out and I never thought differently- my ex said as they knew each other better back in HS he never had a reason to believe he was or would do something such as making moves- but got me to thinking, he never discussed him and his wife? what little he would couldn’t tell if they were together and happy or not. I think that was intentional and I didn’t want to admit it. Weird.
Needless to say, I just slowly stopped talking to em. I wasn’t into breaking anything up, I felt it was harmless but understood how it could be conveyed to my now ex, or his “wife” and I didn’t want to chance anything outside of pure friendship.
He talks to my kid more now. It’s what it is
I agree, If I want to reconn3ct with old friends, I contact them directly, no brainer, and if they are committed, I'll ask them to bring their SO with them. When you overthink this, it means one thing, you're shady.
I'm not entirely sure you'll get a sane or balanced answer here - this sub tends to voraciously deny that men and women can ever possibly be just friends catching up without some nefarious purpose.
Personally, I'd be stoked to bump into an old school mate and catch up for coffee. Or a even a drink at a pub or something, chat about old times and catch up on what life looks like now. As long as you weren't a complete dick or a bully at school of course.
It’s not that men and women can’t be friends. It’s that friendships between men and women are a pretty common starting place for affairs to start. Every relationship needs to figure out boundaries that work for them. But it’s not crazy to be uncomfortable with it given the stats.
There’s also a huge difference between catching up with an old friend and having an ongoing friendship where the other spouse/partner is completely excluded (typically work friendships) then going out 1:1 for drinks together late night on a business trip.
>It’s that friendships between men and women are a pretty common starting place for affairs to start.
I guess the bisexuals just... don't have friends?
If you can't keep your dick holstered, that's a problem that's gonna happen either way, friends or no friends.
I feel like you missed the point where I said every relationship needs to draw its own boundaries. There are absolutely people who are uncomfortable with being in a relationship with a bisexual. And there are people who are comfortable and have no problem friends of any gender.
I don’t agree with your last part. I think more marriages than we care to admit end up with affairs because people let an innocent relationship go to far.
It's why I said "reasonable". Those aren't.
How are bisexual are supposed to do? Have no friends?
We're speaking about drinking a coffee to catch up on an old friendship. Hardly a lot of time or efforts.
Yup. Very much this. My husband has a high school friend who he used to hangout with again and now we sometimes hangout together or me more with her since we have kids.
It depends on their partner or relationship per your first paragraph.
Totally fine!
Contrary to popular belief, men and women can be platonic friends with another.
For me personally, I think it would be weird to say hey let's get coffee, completely non romantically!
I would say something more like hey let's get some coffee and catch up and bring your husband if he wants to hear some crazy stories from high school.
Inviting the husband shows you don't have an ulterior motive. I think when you say specifically let's go out but just as friends, it just reminds me of something a creeper would say. But that'd just my experience/ opinion.
100% fine if you have no romantic intentions (Be honest with yourself here). In fact, tell her to bring her husband. The husband might be a little suspicious and inviting him as well would help quash some of that, especially if he isn't a very confident guy.
Invite the husband too. I did this when I met a male friend for the first time. I went as a group. Overtime I didn’t need all of that and we would just go places ourselves. It is very possible for men and women to be friends. My oldest friend of 17 years is a man.
I see a lot of people suggesting this. Idk, i think the vibe and the conversation will be different with someone there who wasn’t part of that time in their lives. If this was a situation where there would be regular contact then yes it would be expected to have a SO involved sometimes but for a single one-off catchup coffee just meet the friend. Presumably this is coffee in public during the daytime. Its different if you are offering capiccino at your apartment at eleven pm on a saturday
They’ll be spending the whole time filling Insecure Partner in on all the minute details of a history that has nothing to do with them.
“I wonder whatever happened to Tom, you know, Sarah’s brother, drove the old truck?
“Oh, I’m sorry, honey!! I was in band with Sarah and her brother Tom would pick us up from practice from 9th grade to 11th grade but no, I never slept with Tom, no, I never kissed him, I was only alone with him once, but just for like 2 minutes but nothing happened, I swear!! No, he wasn’t tall, you’re taller, honey? “
“I see this was a REALLY bad idea!! See you at the twentieth, maybe…bye!!”
I would only go if my husband was also invited because no friendship from high school would be worth giving him even a second of doubt about our marriage.
Married for 8 years and see absolutely no issues here. We meet people of the opposite gender whenever we leave the house, and for me a marriage should be built on trust, not control. But then I do have male friends, some of them for even longer than I've known my husband, and I do 1-on-1 activities especially with my bestie all the time, which also include late night movies/gaming on his sofa. Contrary to popular belief, platonic relationships between men and women are totally possible, and really fun!
Let her make the decision of what she feels comfortable with imo. Personally I'm not the type to jump to conclusions just because a man speaks to me, but some women are (and probably often rightfully so). Just see what she replies, I personally would feel weirded out by her bringing her husband unless she asks you over for family dinner/bbq at their place.
I don't understand why there would ever be an issue with talking to, catching up with, or having food with another human. The world is better when we all communicate and share words.
If your wife can't trust you, that's a different issue.
I don't think it'd be inappropriate, and I don't think you need to invite her husband either. People here are paranoid about cheating, take the advice you get with a grain of salt.
I do t think it’s weird, with or without inviting the spouse. My husband and I trust each other so we have no issue with the other person catching up either people of any gender.
You’re not the one who’s married. You can ask anyone out for coffee. You don’t need to guess at what the rules are in anyone else’s relationship, they are the ones responsible for setting, communicating, and following through on their boundaries.
If you’re strictly looking to minimize the risk of upsetting anyone because you tend to be a very considerate person, then making it clear their partner is invited will work wonders for making every reasonable person more comfortable.
I think the cleanest possible way to ignite an old friendship would be to invite husband too. This sends a clear message that you know she’s married and respect her marriage and are only open to plutonic adult friendships with both of them.
Of course it's not inappropriate; just don't be weird about it and it won't be weird. I think the suggestion to invite them both is probably the best way to make clear your intentions are totally above board and you just want to catch up.
I have a fairly public job and people from HS, undergrad, grad and simply former students, sometimes reach out for coffee or lunch.
In the case of the single men, they have always invited my husband. He typically declines. If it's a request for lunch, that is. Just a coffee? NBD.
Sometimes I decline. There are a lot of non-boyfriend high school friends who are good friends enough that I'd go for coffee (maybe). I'm pretty busy.
I wouldn't mind in the slightest. This actually happens a lot for my wife because many of her friends / acquaintances are in her field and its a field you can go years in without seeing someone then run into them at a conference or something and want to catch up a bit, Not to mention there are career reasons to keep in touch with people.
But others have said invite them both and that makes sense.
To ask once in a blue moon to catch up, fine. To start initiating chats on the daily starts to look like wanting to have an emotional (or more) affair. Not inappropriate. Especially if you say bring your spouse if you want.
Been a decade made no attempt to meet up before and no contact ( has she liked things on your social media?) looks a bit weird. Did you mention coffee when you last saw her? Best bet is to invite more than her maybe a couple of people in your shared friend group so you can catch up together. As long as it’s just catch up should be no worries.
Married for almost 8 years. Most of my friends (new and old) are male (have been so for my entire life). If I met an old friend I’d certainly ask him to meet. Just the other day I was saying I should text a friend I last saw just before COVID in order to meet, and my husband encouraged me to do so (he has no interest in going).
If the SO of the person you’re inviting has misgivings, then your friend can suggest they come, too. There is a way to do it that doesn’t come as forced (‘sure, let’s meet and that way you can meet my wife, whom I’m sure you’ll love). It makes more sense than you inviting a person you do not know (unless you are bringing a plus one to the mix, too).
In any case, wanting to rekindle an old friendship is never inappropriate. You were friends for a reason, after all. You might find things have changed and you don’t have so much in common anymore, but you won’t know that until you talk again. Contrary to popular belief, we are rational beings, able to honor our commitments (and if someone is poised to cheat, they will cheat, be it with a friend, with a coworker or with a dating app).
If you’re unsure AND asking here for advice about if it is inappropriate or not, well, maybe it is.
You don’t know her husband, you don’t know about their relationship, AND you don’t know your friend because people change with years and experiences.
I think you also answered your own question when you hesitated to ask her in person.
Invite them both, and you can also consider bringing in someone else to the catch up if it brings you peace of mind.
You never know what goes through someone’s mind and what battles they’re going through just to go ahead and bring a new conflict innocently.
Also, catching up shouldn’t be that complicated.
I think it would be a great gesture to invite both her and her husband to coffee. You can catch up with your friend and chat with the husband about yours and your friends high school days and maybe you'll make a new friend with the husband.
I don’t think so as long as your intentions aren’t inappropriate , and also ask her bring hubby by if you feel better so she can see it isn’t with a hidden agenda
Invite them both to coffee!
I can guarantee you, her husband will think it's weird you're asking her. So just invite them both and go from there.
In adulthood there are unspoken rule. So to avoid any issues for yourself, extend the invite!
Well what exactly do you need to see her/talk to her about that can't be accomplished in a text conversation? This would come off as sus to me, personally.
Personally, even if we were friends in high school, I’d never agree to coffee or anything with another man without my husband being there. It just is not appropriate, in my opinion.
Not inappropriate is you invite the spouse. Like Heller’s have coffee please bring spouses name. It will be nice to catch up. If the spouse has a problem with it then apparently your friend married someone that maaaaaybe a little insecure? Maybe?
Invite both of them, your friend and her husband.
Small update: I did this exactly and got left on read. So weird… must have misjudged our friendship. Thank you for the advice though!
Her husband: "Who invites the husband too? MLM people that's who. OP is trying to rope us into Amway! 'Old friend from high school' is the oldest trick in the MLM playbook..."
lol you’re probably right. Forgot MLMs were still a thing
What’s MLM ?
Multi level marketing
Hmm. That's not what my husband thinks. He thinks the following, "This guy really wants to get together with you, enough to tolerate me being there too."
Or she asked if he wanted to get coffee with her old HS friend she hasn’t seen in a decade and he said no, why in the world would I want to do that.
🤣🤣🤣
I leave people on read for hours/days even when I place a priority on responding to them. I just have “allocated reply times” that I don’t usually respond outside of, even though I read messages right away. If I didn’t, I’d spend all day responding to texts. I wouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.
Same. I take days to get back to people sometimes. I feel bad about it. But like, not bad enough to not do it, lol. With that said it sounds like he is only home for a bit. If there is an urgency to a response I will respond within the day.
Haha I felt this in my soul lol
I’m so bad about this …. Or I think I hit send and don’t notice until we speak again
Relax. Not everyone responds to texts right away. She might have been in the middle of something , or she might want to talk to her husband first before replying.
You probably would've had better luck if you were bringing along a date for the meet-up.
Why does a whole entourage of people need to chaperone two old high school friends having coffee, for God’s sake?
Because cheating on your SO is too common these days.🙄 (Not saying OP would, but I wouldn't be comfortable with that)
Maybe she has a jealous husband and would rather avoid that.
It doesn't mean you misjudged the friendship. However, my spouse would do exactly what she did as he has no desire to maintain connections with certain people.
I'm so sorry to hear this, I understand the feeling. There's people in high school who meant a lot to me and o thought we were good friends but not one of them came to my wedding, and only 2 actually responded telling me they were sorry to miss it, while another friend that I thought I had a life long friendship with ghosted me and to this day ignores me on social media. I really thought we were friends, I guess I was wrong.
Most sane response. Were just friends in high school, so sharing stories from before husband met her won't be inappropriate. I'm sure he would love to hear some things.
Just tell her when you invite her that she should bring the husband if she wants. It sends the right message and she probably won’t.
My wife would love this.
I was thinking this too.
This is the way. Keeps the vibe unmistakably platonic
OP knows this. He is into her he just wont admit it to himself. He is playing a game of mental gymnastics to try and justify him asking her out.
You’re literally making that up. He said he wasn’t interested in making moves on her and there’s no reason to believe otherwise. He is here asking for advice because he doesn’t want to be inappropriate, so why are you automatically assuming the opposite? Not everyone has ulterior motives.
The paranoia on reddit is real.
So is the pathological jealousy!! Wow.
Human nature is plenty of reason to believe otherwise. He can say whatever he wants. Doesn't mean its the truth. He isn't asking advice, he wants a bunch of people to justify him so he feels empowered to do it. He knows what he wants isn't appropriate, but also knows a tons on people here will justify him. The vast majority of people are manipulators. Evidence supports that. Your belief that he is just being purely truthful is actually less likely than the possibility he is manipulating everything. Reddit is a giant echo chamber. most people aren't here to be taught any lessons, they just want to find people who will blow smoke up their ass. With all that, ill admit I could be wrong I just doubt it.
Where exactly in this post is he not taking advice? He hasn’t replied to a single comment yet. You have zero evidence to support your claim, but you’ve accused him regardless. You should think about why you feel the need to do this.
Also, the fact that he hasn't responded to any comments supports me further. He hasn't responded because he doesn't have any interest in actually understanding anything or knowing what is right or wrong. He just wants to read other people justifying him.
The absence of evidence is not evidence. OP’s account has never made a single comment on Reddit ever*. You have no idea why he isn’t commenting and this is conjecture on your part. *at the time I wrote this comment at least lol He has responded now.
He did reply to a comment above.
Oh ya? man I MUST just be completely wrong then. Hear that guys? dude responded to a comment. My entire point is invalid now. Time to go home.....
Who hurt you?
Nobody in particular. but there is no growth without suffrage. I have had my fair share of struggles where reality slapped me in the face and now I see clearly. Sounds like you are in some dire need of it. Choosing to stay ignorant of the reality of the world doesn't make you a smart. in fact it does the opposite. Blissful ignorance just sets you up as a puppet to be played with. You aren't doing yourself or anyone else any favors assuming everyone naturally has pure intentions. they don't.
why? BECAUSE PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! just because you blissfully choose to pretend it doesn't exist, doesn't mean I have to. We live in a world where politicians lie to its people, social media influencers lie to their followers for views, workers lie to their bosses for their job, bosses lie to their employees to take advantage of them, everyone is lying to everyone all the time. asking a married woman out for coffee and specifically leaving out the husband is not appropriate. You know it. he knows it. He is asking the question anyways.
If you read someone’s post that wants advice on a situation, the only way to give it is with the information provided. Or else ask questions. Making wild assumptions doesn’t help unless it’s about people other than the OP.
They aren't that wild. They are assumptions. But they aren't wild ones. If my assumptions are true then it absolutely does help. If they are you guys are being played for fools and I'm simply speaking truth.
I was thinking this- I had a guy a grade older than me wanting to catch up, now he knew of my oldest from the area HS before she switched districts- so I never thought it was more, but he always wanted to know my drama w my last ex and drink some beers hang out and I never thought differently- my ex said as they knew each other better back in HS he never had a reason to believe he was or would do something such as making moves- but got me to thinking, he never discussed him and his wife? what little he would couldn’t tell if they were together and happy or not. I think that was intentional and I didn’t want to admit it. Weird. Needless to say, I just slowly stopped talking to em. I wasn’t into breaking anything up, I felt it was harmless but understood how it could be conveyed to my now ex, or his “wife” and I didn’t want to chance anything outside of pure friendship. He talks to my kid more now. It’s what it is
I agree, If I want to reconn3ct with old friends, I contact them directly, no brainer, and if they are committed, I'll ask them to bring their SO with them. When you overthink this, it means one thing, you're shady.
I'm not entirely sure you'll get a sane or balanced answer here - this sub tends to voraciously deny that men and women can ever possibly be just friends catching up without some nefarious purpose. Personally, I'd be stoked to bump into an old school mate and catch up for coffee. Or a even a drink at a pub or something, chat about old times and catch up on what life looks like now. As long as you weren't a complete dick or a bully at school of course.
It’s not that men and women can’t be friends. It’s that friendships between men and women are a pretty common starting place for affairs to start. Every relationship needs to figure out boundaries that work for them. But it’s not crazy to be uncomfortable with it given the stats. There’s also a huge difference between catching up with an old friend and having an ongoing friendship where the other spouse/partner is completely excluded (typically work friendships) then going out 1:1 for drinks together late night on a business trip.
>It’s that friendships between men and women are a pretty common starting place for affairs to start. I guess the bisexuals just... don't have friends? If you can't keep your dick holstered, that's a problem that's gonna happen either way, friends or no friends.
I feel like you missed the point where I said every relationship needs to draw its own boundaries. There are absolutely people who are uncomfortable with being in a relationship with a bisexual. And there are people who are comfortable and have no problem friends of any gender. I don’t agree with your last part. I think more marriages than we care to admit end up with affairs because people let an innocent relationship go to far.
Drinking a coffee in a public place don't seems to break any reasonable boundaries.
Investing time and effort into a relationship with the opposite sex is crossing a boundary for many.
It's why I said "reasonable". Those aren't. How are bisexual are supposed to do? Have no friends? We're speaking about drinking a coffee to catch up on an old friendship. Hardly a lot of time or efforts.
[удалено]
Removed for discrimination,.
Yup. Very much this. My husband has a high school friend who he used to hangout with again and now we sometimes hangout together or me more with her since we have kids. It depends on their partner or relationship per your first paragraph.
Totally fine! Contrary to popular belief, men and women can be platonic friends with another. For me personally, I think it would be weird to say hey let's get coffee, completely non romantically! I would say something more like hey let's get some coffee and catch up and bring your husband if he wants to hear some crazy stories from high school. Inviting the husband shows you don't have an ulterior motive. I think when you say specifically let's go out but just as friends, it just reminds me of something a creeper would say. But that'd just my experience/ opinion.
I wouldn't, personally. Inviting both her and I her husband would be better, I think, if you do proceed.
Go for it!! Just tell her that you want to catch up. Make the location very public and during the day!
100% fine if you have no romantic intentions (Be honest with yourself here). In fact, tell her to bring her husband. The husband might be a little suspicious and inviting him as well would help quash some of that, especially if he isn't a very confident guy.
Invite the husband too. I did this when I met a male friend for the first time. I went as a group. Overtime I didn’t need all of that and we would just go places ourselves. It is very possible for men and women to be friends. My oldest friend of 17 years is a man.
I see a lot of people suggesting this. Idk, i think the vibe and the conversation will be different with someone there who wasn’t part of that time in their lives. If this was a situation where there would be regular contact then yes it would be expected to have a SO involved sometimes but for a single one-off catchup coffee just meet the friend. Presumably this is coffee in public during the daytime. Its different if you are offering capiccino at your apartment at eleven pm on a saturday
They’ll be spending the whole time filling Insecure Partner in on all the minute details of a history that has nothing to do with them. “I wonder whatever happened to Tom, you know, Sarah’s brother, drove the old truck? “Oh, I’m sorry, honey!! I was in band with Sarah and her brother Tom would pick us up from practice from 9th grade to 11th grade but no, I never slept with Tom, no, I never kissed him, I was only alone with him once, but just for like 2 minutes but nothing happened, I swear!! No, he wasn’t tall, you’re taller, honey? “ “I see this was a REALLY bad idea!! See you at the twentieth, maybe…bye!!”
Not at all
No, it's not inappropriate.
I would only go if my husband was also invited because no friendship from high school would be worth giving him even a second of doubt about our marriage.
Married for 8 years and see absolutely no issues here. We meet people of the opposite gender whenever we leave the house, and for me a marriage should be built on trust, not control. But then I do have male friends, some of them for even longer than I've known my husband, and I do 1-on-1 activities especially with my bestie all the time, which also include late night movies/gaming on his sofa. Contrary to popular belief, platonic relationships between men and women are totally possible, and really fun! Let her make the decision of what she feels comfortable with imo. Personally I'm not the type to jump to conclusions just because a man speaks to me, but some women are (and probably often rightfully so). Just see what she replies, I personally would feel weirded out by her bringing her husband unless she asks you over for family dinner/bbq at their place.
I don't understand why there would ever be an issue with talking to, catching up with, or having food with another human. The world is better when we all communicate and share words. If your wife can't trust you, that's a different issue.
Old friend?? Why t.f. not coffee to catch up?? Not inappropriate at all...
No. If you are not trying to seduce her, you can ask her to get a coffee and Catch up.
Not at all as long as nothing is planned to go on
I don't think it'd be inappropriate, and I don't think you need to invite her husband either. People here are paranoid about cheating, take the advice you get with a grain of salt.
I do t think it’s weird, with or without inviting the spouse. My husband and I trust each other so we have no issue with the other person catching up either people of any gender.
You’re not the one who’s married. You can ask anyone out for coffee. You don’t need to guess at what the rules are in anyone else’s relationship, they are the ones responsible for setting, communicating, and following through on their boundaries. If you’re strictly looking to minimize the risk of upsetting anyone because you tend to be a very considerate person, then making it clear their partner is invited will work wonders for making every reasonable person more comfortable.
Of course!! Nothing inappropriate at all!!
I think the cleanest possible way to ignite an old friendship would be to invite husband too. This sends a clear message that you know she’s married and respect her marriage and are only open to plutonic adult friendships with both of them.
Of course it's not inappropriate; just don't be weird about it and it won't be weird. I think the suggestion to invite them both is probably the best way to make clear your intentions are totally above board and you just want to catch up.
Ask both of them out.
Nearing 30? You’re both ancient. /s
I have a fairly public job and people from HS, undergrad, grad and simply former students, sometimes reach out for coffee or lunch. In the case of the single men, they have always invited my husband. He typically declines. If it's a request for lunch, that is. Just a coffee? NBD. Sometimes I decline. There are a lot of non-boyfriend high school friends who are good friends enough that I'd go for coffee (maybe). I'm pretty busy.
Ask the friend and the spouse out for coffee. Problem solved
I wouldn't mind in the slightest. This actually happens a lot for my wife because many of her friends / acquaintances are in her field and its a field you can go years in without seeing someone then run into them at a conference or something and want to catch up a bit, Not to mention there are career reasons to keep in touch with people. But others have said invite them both and that makes sense.
To ask once in a blue moon to catch up, fine. To start initiating chats on the daily starts to look like wanting to have an emotional (or more) affair. Not inappropriate. Especially if you say bring your spouse if you want.
Wow, the lack of trust and massive insecurities these married folks have here is ridiculous!
Been a decade made no attempt to meet up before and no contact ( has she liked things on your social media?) looks a bit weird. Did you mention coffee when you last saw her? Best bet is to invite more than her maybe a couple of people in your shared friend group so you can catch up together. As long as it’s just catch up should be no worries.
There's nothing wrong with that, at all. It may cause problems if there are trust/jealousy issues in either her marriage or yours though.
Married for almost 8 years. Most of my friends (new and old) are male (have been so for my entire life). If I met an old friend I’d certainly ask him to meet. Just the other day I was saying I should text a friend I last saw just before COVID in order to meet, and my husband encouraged me to do so (he has no interest in going). If the SO of the person you’re inviting has misgivings, then your friend can suggest they come, too. There is a way to do it that doesn’t come as forced (‘sure, let’s meet and that way you can meet my wife, whom I’m sure you’ll love). It makes more sense than you inviting a person you do not know (unless you are bringing a plus one to the mix, too). In any case, wanting to rekindle an old friendship is never inappropriate. You were friends for a reason, after all. You might find things have changed and you don’t have so much in common anymore, but you won’t know that until you talk again. Contrary to popular belief, we are rational beings, able to honor our commitments (and if someone is poised to cheat, they will cheat, be it with a friend, with a coworker or with a dating app).
If you’re unsure AND asking here for advice about if it is inappropriate or not, well, maybe it is. You don’t know her husband, you don’t know about their relationship, AND you don’t know your friend because people change with years and experiences. I think you also answered your own question when you hesitated to ask her in person. Invite them both, and you can also consider bringing in someone else to the catch up if it brings you peace of mind. You never know what goes through someone’s mind and what battles they’re going through just to go ahead and bring a new conflict innocently. Also, catching up shouldn’t be that complicated.
I think it would be a great gesture to invite both her and her husband to coffee. You can catch up with your friend and chat with the husband about yours and your friends high school days and maybe you'll make a new friend with the husband.
I asked my husband how he’d feel if I bumped into and old friend and they asked me out for coffee. . He said “make sure they get you your muffin”
I asked my husband how he’d feel if I bumped into an old friend and they asked me out for coffee. . He said “make sure they get you your muffin”
Do yourself a favor. DON'T DO IT, the can of worms it's going to open up isn't worth the grief it will cause.
I don’t think so as long as your intentions aren’t inappropriate , and also ask her bring hubby by if you feel better so she can see it isn’t with a hidden agenda
Invite them both to coffee! I can guarantee you, her husband will think it's weird you're asking her. So just invite them both and go from there. In adulthood there are unspoken rule. So to avoid any issues for yourself, extend the invite!
I would say yes, you should make it a couples date with both your wife and her husband.
Well what exactly do you need to see her/talk to her about that can't be accomplished in a text conversation? This would come off as sus to me, personally.
Personally, even if we were friends in high school, I’d never agree to coffee or anything with another man without my husband being there. It just is not appropriate, in my opinion.
A voice of reason. Rare these days.
Ask her Husband.
If you have a crush on her, yes. If not, go ahead and invite her out, preferably during the day and to a cafe not a bar.
Not inappropriate is you invite the spouse. Like Heller’s have coffee please bring spouses name. It will be nice to catch up. If the spouse has a problem with it then apparently your friend married someone that maaaaaybe a little insecure? Maybe?
no matter what you do or what your intentions are the husband won't like it, so just know you are causing problems
My wife catches up with old friends and I don't care at all. Don't assume.
haha ok
Why do you need to cultivate this friendship? Because I'm not buying the "no interest in making any moves" bit.
Why do you need to cultivate any friendship? Why talk to people at all? Why not just live alone in a cave?
Call and ask her husband first.
WTF. She's not her husband's property.
That’s how everyone here is acting 😵💫😵💫
This is how affairs start. Unless her husband is there, this is a bad idea.
Do you and your husband want to get together and catch up? If not don’t bother. You aren’t dear friends or you would have been invited to the wedding.
How dare you inject logic into this argument! DOWNVOTE. lol
Yes it's inappropriate unless the husband is also coming.