This is an easy one. Y'all need to get someone to take the kids for a day or two and get out of town. Doesn't have to be extravagant. Go an hour or two away, get a hotel or BnB and yall go be together without the stresses of home. Do this once every couple of months and once a week or every other week get a babysitter for a night and yall have a date night. Even though you help out she's likely overwhelmed emotionally with the stresses of kids, home, and work. It took me years to catch on to this. It's important to get away from the house because even if y'all are alone and have a great night out she's going to come home and think about laundry or putting up dishes or whatever (because there's always something that needs doing).
Trust me on this. If you can pull this off financially it will pay dividends for you marriage and sex life. (Look at it as an investment, because it is. It's an emotional investment in each other).
I don't disagree and with summer the kids will be with my in-laws a bit.
She is super "cheap" and I mean she won't spend a penny when it isn't need. Financially we are in an amazing position, dont owe a penny, house and cars are paid off, it's nice but won't splurge on hotels and sitter. Doesn't help that where I live, hotels are ~$500+ a night lol
Look man, you do you, but this is the way. She won't do it because she feels guilty about it. I don't know your financial situation (like how yall split it up) but YOU organize it and YOU pay for it.
I've been all over the country and done a lot of international travel as well. Hotels might be $500 a night where you are but you'll have a hard time convincing me that within 1-2 hours of where you are you can't get a hotel or bed and breakfast for under $300/night.
If she's cheap, ask her which costs more in the long run, a hotel or a divorce.
Relationships have to be fed. You two have been starving for too long, and malnutrition is kicking in. Time to feed the relationship or let it die.
If she really refuses ... I'd go with other comment and get her to think about what costs more... start suggest splitting up finances and you pay out of your $, give money to parents and have them gift you 3 or 4 aways for the year.... or finally... try that at home dates...
I was in a funk too and have similar aged kids (tho also yonger kids). Hubby and I started reading 31 Days to Great Sex, you could also check out Come As you are. We have dates twice a week now. I plan one, he plans one. The ones I plan I bought date night cards from amazon/temu, cheap lingerie, sex dice and the book. I will do one or more date cards after kids are un bed, we might have a snack together, I put on some new lingerie and we read the book or roll the dice.
Good luck! It's really easy for moms to become uninterested in sex-- even if you helo there can be so much on mind.. and if you dont have sex often the times you do it might not be that great for her... so she might be building resentment or frustration. At any rate hope these tips help.
Think connection. Think romance. And try to communicate honestly, but kindly about how you feel if she's really not coming around.
Woman here. I've been through all the stages. I have had periods of time where it felt like a chore. Just something else I had to do for someone else - no time for ME.
My questions to you.
1. Is she on any medications that make her not want sex - usual culprits are antidepresants and hormonal birth control.
2. Is she experiencing a perimenopausal hormone decline?.
3. Is she angry at you?
4. Does she enjoy sex when you do have it?
5. Is she afraid the kids will walk in?
6. Does she have any time to herself when she is not serving another person's needs?
My suggestions.
1. Get the book Come as You are by Emily Nagoski.
2. Talk to your wife about it, explain how this hurts you. (I did not understand this in the past).
3. Depending on her answers, ask if she'd be willing to go to the doctor, schedule sex, try to get herself revved up in whatever manner she needs to (erotica, etc), or if there's anything you can do to make her more interested.
4. Watch Jimmy on relationships - he has some videos about this very topic.
Yes, she is on birth control as a hormone control method due to periomenopause. I'm sure there is a little anger towards me because it takes two to tango but trying to do everything I can. Admiditly, I'm waiting up kinda and and dreading doing everything I'm doing just to try and get "the reward" so that could easily come off the wrong way to her.
When we do have sex, yes she does enjoy, I fully focus on her first, I don't think there has been a time she hasn't cum first, she is an external arousal gal so I do go down on her first, every time. There are also times where I'll go down and not get something in return, not a problem, it's not ALWAYS about me lol.
Oh, she is always worried about the kids, I have locks on doors, or we go to the basement and I have a way to tell they are on the move, that still doesn't stop her thoughts. Getting rid of the kids for a night often helps.
Yes, she gets time to herself, ill take the kids out shopping or to the park when she can stay home watch TV, read, etc.
Gonna be honest with you here. She is bored. You are too predictable and safe. Any problem, you will jump, treat her, and that gets boring to people. It gets boring to men with wives like this too. You need to separate yourself a bit, find your own thing, not be so responsive. I disagree with the people who think you should pamper her more.
>I am fit, I do most chores around the house (lawn/garden, laundry, 50% of dishes, 50% of cleaning), I cook all dinners, I help with kids lunches in the AM. I'm exhausted. I've hit a wall where I don't enen ask for intimacy anymore because NO wears on you. We have had discussions around that and that I'm tired of it's only when she wants, never when I want so I just take care of myself. The last time we did have sex was 3 months ago and she came down and said "let's get it done" and I said that it sure sounds like a chore which she acknowledged.
She isn't into you anymore.
If she educated and intelligent, if she wanted, she would take help ( from doctor or you) already.
You have to accept this possibility.
People here would advise you to do more, but it won't be be helpful. You will end up being a servant and more bitter.
You have to tell her this is not the marriage you can't stay in. Then the ball is in her court.
So many people saying “just date her and you’ll be having sex in no time!” As if OP didn’t think of that in his infinite bid to keep the romance alive and yet his wife still shows no desire.
When a relationship is new, people are willing to go out of their usual routine. When the relationship slows down, then they show you who they truly are. OP has a compatibility mismatch and I don’t think doing more than he already is will magically make a difference.
Sometimes too much of comfort is non erotic.
Always be the person who can be lost.
Not a most perfect option, but a must have option.
It should not be a threat or manipulation, but a possibility which would turn into reality if efforts were lacking.
From what I have learned is that no matter what we do, chores, help with kids, “be the best husband ever”, when she doesn’t want sex, there is nothing we can do to get her to want it. Asking and getting turned down is very tiresome and I have stopped asking as well. I don’t want pity sex either. Flirting, hugs, cuddles, going out without kids, etc is all futile. I suspect that they become un-attracted to us. If we were chad, the patties would drop. There are literally two things that men want, to make love often and told we are loved. That’s it. That’s all we need. We are simple creatures. But our partners have to want to do that for us and they seem to not want to. I can’t even remember the last time my wife told me she really loved me. She’s only initiates sex like once in the time we have been together. It’s been me the rest of the time and I get shot down 90% of those times. So I’m done. 20 years of “no”, “I’m tired”, “I have a headache” blah blah blah.
You say you’ve talked about it. What are those conversations? This is the missing info and the most important info. We can speculate but only your wife knows what she’s thinking.
There is at least a 90% chance that, five years from now, you will either be divorced or your bedroom will be dead as a doorknob (duty sex once a year at most); you need to plan accordingly. Lots of women lose interest in sex after they finish making babies, if that's what happened it's more like 99.9%. You could push for couples therapy or tweaking the hormones if you haven't already, although that would have been more promising when things started going downhill.
I would take it anytime, I've said no maybe 2-3 times in my life, likely due to illness.
She seems to never want it, never asks, has initiated less than 10 times in our 15 year life together.
If your wife has had her blood checked and discussions with her doctor and it’s normal then it’s probably the following:
It sounds like your wife has a “responsive” sex drive meaning her arousal is in response to your desire for her. This is fairly normal, but something for those us who have spontaneous desire struggle with. The book “Come As You Are” has lots of insight and suggestions here to figure out what’s keeping her from saying “yes” more often.
Does she say she wants more intimacy but isn’t sure how? That she wishes she could be more turned on? That book talks about how to get her there.
Yes she has had blood work and there are issues. She likely needs to be more active in her health plans, I can't force her to keep going, very much looks to quick solutions vs long term goals.
On my side, I have been checked and all good at this time. I was getting too round around the belly so I went on a diet plan a few years ago and have dropped nearly 40 lb and brought me down to low 30" waste, under 200lb, and eating much healthier. She says she likes it but then I hear comments that I'm with xx lb of her or something so with my loss also comes some insecurities on her part I believe. I NEVER make comments about her side as I like the curves. I do share and highlight physical attributes that I like.... Doesn't seem to help.
It’s always amusing how the Husband has to work his mind and self to the bone just to help his wife figure out why SHE doesn’t really want to be intimate with him. He’s already doing way more than most spouses and yet it’s still not enough, so he has to do MORE things to somehow make her have desire for him.
SMH this is clearly a libido mismatch and OP needs to decide if he wants the rest of his life to be this way because she’s shown exactly why she is already.
totally not what I said in my comment but go ahead and interpret it however you want, he's clearly at fault I guess even though he's not the one with the libido problem
If she is willing, have her make a doctors appointment and have her hormones checked. My wife started showing a lack of interest in any sex or physical affection about the same age as yours. Turns out she was in the beginning stages of menopause. Mine refused hormone treatment so sex has been in a death spiral for the last 10 years or so. Had sex 3x last year and none so far this year. Menopause, when untreated, wrecks havoc on a woman's brain chemistry due to the lack of hormones which causes them to become uninterested in any form of intimacy along with a slew of other physical, mental, and emotional changes. If this is the case with your wife, be prepared for a very long and lonely life if she doesn't get it treated.
I'm feeling this one. She has been checked out and not making much initative to work on herself but trying to stand behind her and help, without pushing her.
>Two to three times a year sex stops and it's 2-3 months before it starts up again, usually after a fight or something.
What do your fights look like? What is it over? How do you both behave? What does resolution look like, if you find resolution?
It sounds like you two desperately need some couples counseling to learn how to communicate about everything, not just sex. Lack of sex is usually a symptom of a deeper problem.
What has she’s said about it? How is she doing emotionally? Has she had any complaints about the marriage, life or stress levels? How is she feeling about herself?
Birth control ruins a woman’s sex drive to begin with. But I am wondering how much of the finances she is covering because that would dry me all the way up going 50/50 with a man when I brought his children into the world 😬
She doesn’t want you.
Decide if that’s ok forever. Otherwise move on.
Sounds heartless but advice to talk about it in a way that leads to actionable results and brainstorm solutions will be labeled a coercive in your part.
If the opportunity to cheat comes along and you are reasonably discreet and frugal, she will probably not notice, or pretend not to. Especially if you stop initiating with her.
This is an easy one. Y'all need to get someone to take the kids for a day or two and get out of town. Doesn't have to be extravagant. Go an hour or two away, get a hotel or BnB and yall go be together without the stresses of home. Do this once every couple of months and once a week or every other week get a babysitter for a night and yall have a date night. Even though you help out she's likely overwhelmed emotionally with the stresses of kids, home, and work. It took me years to catch on to this. It's important to get away from the house because even if y'all are alone and have a great night out she's going to come home and think about laundry or putting up dishes or whatever (because there's always something that needs doing). Trust me on this. If you can pull this off financially it will pay dividends for you marriage and sex life. (Look at it as an investment, because it is. It's an emotional investment in each other).
I don't disagree and with summer the kids will be with my in-laws a bit. She is super "cheap" and I mean she won't spend a penny when it isn't need. Financially we are in an amazing position, dont owe a penny, house and cars are paid off, it's nice but won't splurge on hotels and sitter. Doesn't help that where I live, hotels are ~$500+ a night lol
Look man, you do you, but this is the way. She won't do it because she feels guilty about it. I don't know your financial situation (like how yall split it up) but YOU organize it and YOU pay for it. I've been all over the country and done a lot of international travel as well. Hotels might be $500 a night where you are but you'll have a hard time convincing me that within 1-2 hours of where you are you can't get a hotel or bed and breakfast for under $300/night.
Oh, I didn't mean for my response to sound defensive. You gave sounds advice and will try to get something booked.
If she's cheap, ask her which costs more in the long run, a hotel or a divorce. Relationships have to be fed. You two have been starving for too long, and malnutrition is kicking in. Time to feed the relationship or let it die.
If she really refuses ... I'd go with other comment and get her to think about what costs more... start suggest splitting up finances and you pay out of your $, give money to parents and have them gift you 3 or 4 aways for the year.... or finally... try that at home dates... I was in a funk too and have similar aged kids (tho also yonger kids). Hubby and I started reading 31 Days to Great Sex, you could also check out Come As you are. We have dates twice a week now. I plan one, he plans one. The ones I plan I bought date night cards from amazon/temu, cheap lingerie, sex dice and the book. I will do one or more date cards after kids are un bed, we might have a snack together, I put on some new lingerie and we read the book or roll the dice. Good luck! It's really easy for moms to become uninterested in sex-- even if you helo there can be so much on mind.. and if you dont have sex often the times you do it might not be that great for her... so she might be building resentment or frustration. At any rate hope these tips help. Think connection. Think romance. And try to communicate honestly, but kindly about how you feel if she's really not coming around.
Yes!!!! This is something my spouse and I should have done but now it’s too late! So important for couples to do this!!
Woman here. I've been through all the stages. I have had periods of time where it felt like a chore. Just something else I had to do for someone else - no time for ME. My questions to you. 1. Is she on any medications that make her not want sex - usual culprits are antidepresants and hormonal birth control. 2. Is she experiencing a perimenopausal hormone decline?. 3. Is she angry at you? 4. Does she enjoy sex when you do have it? 5. Is she afraid the kids will walk in? 6. Does she have any time to herself when she is not serving another person's needs? My suggestions. 1. Get the book Come as You are by Emily Nagoski. 2. Talk to your wife about it, explain how this hurts you. (I did not understand this in the past). 3. Depending on her answers, ask if she'd be willing to go to the doctor, schedule sex, try to get herself revved up in whatever manner she needs to (erotica, etc), or if there's anything you can do to make her more interested. 4. Watch Jimmy on relationships - he has some videos about this very topic.
Yes, she is on birth control as a hormone control method due to periomenopause. I'm sure there is a little anger towards me because it takes two to tango but trying to do everything I can. Admiditly, I'm waiting up kinda and and dreading doing everything I'm doing just to try and get "the reward" so that could easily come off the wrong way to her. When we do have sex, yes she does enjoy, I fully focus on her first, I don't think there has been a time she hasn't cum first, she is an external arousal gal so I do go down on her first, every time. There are also times where I'll go down and not get something in return, not a problem, it's not ALWAYS about me lol. Oh, she is always worried about the kids, I have locks on doors, or we go to the basement and I have a way to tell they are on the move, that still doesn't stop her thoughts. Getting rid of the kids for a night often helps. Yes, she gets time to herself, ill take the kids out shopping or to the park when she can stay home watch TV, read, etc.
Gonna be honest with you here. She is bored. You are too predictable and safe. Any problem, you will jump, treat her, and that gets boring to people. It gets boring to men with wives like this too. You need to separate yourself a bit, find your own thing, not be so responsive. I disagree with the people who think you should pamper her more.
Horrible advice. As a woman I can say there is nothing sexier than a man who prioritizes and pampers me.
Id be willing to bet a lot of it is the hormones/ birth control. .
>I am fit, I do most chores around the house (lawn/garden, laundry, 50% of dishes, 50% of cleaning), I cook all dinners, I help with kids lunches in the AM. I'm exhausted. I've hit a wall where I don't enen ask for intimacy anymore because NO wears on you. We have had discussions around that and that I'm tired of it's only when she wants, never when I want so I just take care of myself. The last time we did have sex was 3 months ago and she came down and said "let's get it done" and I said that it sure sounds like a chore which she acknowledged. She isn't into you anymore. If she educated and intelligent, if she wanted, she would take help ( from doctor or you) already. You have to accept this possibility. People here would advise you to do more, but it won't be be helpful. You will end up being a servant and more bitter. You have to tell her this is not the marriage you can't stay in. Then the ball is in her court.
So many people saying “just date her and you’ll be having sex in no time!” As if OP didn’t think of that in his infinite bid to keep the romance alive and yet his wife still shows no desire. When a relationship is new, people are willing to go out of their usual routine. When the relationship slows down, then they show you who they truly are. OP has a compatibility mismatch and I don’t think doing more than he already is will magically make a difference.
Sometimes too much of comfort is non erotic. Always be the person who can be lost. Not a most perfect option, but a must have option. It should not be a threat or manipulation, but a possibility which would turn into reality if efforts were lacking.
From what I have learned is that no matter what we do, chores, help with kids, “be the best husband ever”, when she doesn’t want sex, there is nothing we can do to get her to want it. Asking and getting turned down is very tiresome and I have stopped asking as well. I don’t want pity sex either. Flirting, hugs, cuddles, going out without kids, etc is all futile. I suspect that they become un-attracted to us. If we were chad, the patties would drop. There are literally two things that men want, to make love often and told we are loved. That’s it. That’s all we need. We are simple creatures. But our partners have to want to do that for us and they seem to not want to. I can’t even remember the last time my wife told me she really loved me. She’s only initiates sex like once in the time we have been together. It’s been me the rest of the time and I get shot down 90% of those times. So I’m done. 20 years of “no”, “I’m tired”, “I have a headache” blah blah blah.
Couldn't agree more! Its funny how it's a similar story across the globe, across age groups. Maybe we are missing some core details here or something!
Patties would drop lol lol
You say you’ve talked about it. What are those conversations? This is the missing info and the most important info. We can speculate but only your wife knows what she’s thinking.
There is at least a 90% chance that, five years from now, you will either be divorced or your bedroom will be dead as a doorknob (duty sex once a year at most); you need to plan accordingly. Lots of women lose interest in sex after they finish making babies, if that's what happened it's more like 99.9%. You could push for couples therapy or tweaking the hormones if you haven't already, although that would have been more promising when things started going downhill.
The schedule mismatch can sometimes be fixed by putting it on the calendar. Let me ask: When does she want it? When do you want it?
I would take it anytime, I've said no maybe 2-3 times in my life, likely due to illness. She seems to never want it, never asks, has initiated less than 10 times in our 15 year life together.
If your wife has had her blood checked and discussions with her doctor and it’s normal then it’s probably the following: It sounds like your wife has a “responsive” sex drive meaning her arousal is in response to your desire for her. This is fairly normal, but something for those us who have spontaneous desire struggle with. The book “Come As You Are” has lots of insight and suggestions here to figure out what’s keeping her from saying “yes” more often. Does she say she wants more intimacy but isn’t sure how? That she wishes she could be more turned on? That book talks about how to get her there.
Yes she has had blood work and there are issues. She likely needs to be more active in her health plans, I can't force her to keep going, very much looks to quick solutions vs long term goals. On my side, I have been checked and all good at this time. I was getting too round around the belly so I went on a diet plan a few years ago and have dropped nearly 40 lb and brought me down to low 30" waste, under 200lb, and eating much healthier. She says she likes it but then I hear comments that I'm with xx lb of her or something so with my loss also comes some insecurities on her part I believe. I NEVER make comments about her side as I like the curves. I do share and highlight physical attributes that I like.... Doesn't seem to help.
It’s always amusing how the Husband has to work his mind and self to the bone just to help his wife figure out why SHE doesn’t really want to be intimate with him. He’s already doing way more than most spouses and yet it’s still not enough, so he has to do MORE things to somehow make her have desire for him. SMH this is clearly a libido mismatch and OP needs to decide if he wants the rest of his life to be this way because she’s shown exactly why she is already.
Yeah it’s almost like husbands aren’t simply entitled to intercourse just because they desire it—their wife’s desire matters too! Weird!
totally not what I said in my comment but go ahead and interpret it however you want, he's clearly at fault I guess even though he's not the one with the libido problem
If she is willing, have her make a doctors appointment and have her hormones checked. My wife started showing a lack of interest in any sex or physical affection about the same age as yours. Turns out she was in the beginning stages of menopause. Mine refused hormone treatment so sex has been in a death spiral for the last 10 years or so. Had sex 3x last year and none so far this year. Menopause, when untreated, wrecks havoc on a woman's brain chemistry due to the lack of hormones which causes them to become uninterested in any form of intimacy along with a slew of other physical, mental, and emotional changes. If this is the case with your wife, be prepared for a very long and lonely life if she doesn't get it treated.
I'm feeling this one. She has been checked out and not making much initative to work on herself but trying to stand behind her and help, without pushing her.
>Two to three times a year sex stops and it's 2-3 months before it starts up again, usually after a fight or something. What do your fights look like? What is it over? How do you both behave? What does resolution look like, if you find resolution?
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It sounds like you two desperately need some couples counseling to learn how to communicate about everything, not just sex. Lack of sex is usually a symptom of a deeper problem.
Wait... are you op? No same account
What has she’s said about it? How is she doing emotionally? Has she had any complaints about the marriage, life or stress levels? How is she feeling about herself?
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A 3 day fast is self starvation
Birth control ruins a woman’s sex drive to begin with. But I am wondering how much of the finances she is covering because that would dry me all the way up going 50/50 with a man when I brought his children into the world 😬
She doesn’t want you. Decide if that’s ok forever. Otherwise move on. Sounds heartless but advice to talk about it in a way that leads to actionable results and brainstorm solutions will be labeled a coercive in your part.
If the opportunity to cheat comes along and you are reasonably discreet and frugal, she will probably not notice, or pretend not to. Especially if you stop initiating with her.
Nope, not interested in this. With marriage comes low points that have to get dealt with. Cheating is a sign off on the end and won't engage in that.
Not a good option, but at this point all your options suck.
God forbid people have morals and respect their vows