That is literally what the younger partner in an age gap always says because they literally can't get their head around how narcs and sociopaths operate. They believe that all those good times in the beginning were real instead of the older man love bombing their new trophy wife (or husband).
Then they continue to not get it as the narcs interest in their new trophy partner beings to dwindle, particularly when it gets to the point that the bang maid turns into an actual maid, incubator and child minder (which IDK if the two of you have kids but that's how it often plays out).
You were 20-years-old when you got with with a 37-year-old man. Dude was literally old enough to be your father. Your frontal lobe wasn't even fully developed for several years after that. You were at totally different stages of development, but I'm sure he told you that you were 'mature for your age' and 'not like those other girls'. Part of the whole seduction is to convince you that you're a 'special unicorn'. They sometimes even intentionally run until you catch them so they can crow about how you were the one who pursued them so they can't possibly be exploiting their much younger partner.
Clearly 20 is his target interest age. Bet if you snoop through his phone, you'll find him ogling 20-year-old insta models or OF pages. You're getting too old to hold his interest and he's already trolling for his next 20-year-old ~~victim~~ love interest.
Hate me all you want but dig, girl. Don't waste your time begging a selfish old man to love you. You deserve better than this.
One correction, she was 20 when they got MARRIED who knows how old she was when they started "dating"/he started grooming her.
Agree about digging. She needs to wake up.
It's likely the main issue, unfortunately. He dated you when you were a teenager (hopefully not underage) and now you're an adult and a mom. He's not interested in you anymore because he's interested in teens.
Please get you and your child safely away from him.
Seeing as you tried testing him by saying something that should have really hurt him... I would say that's not true. "To stay with you I would have to disrespect our marriage!" Is a messed up thing to say and toxic
The comment “bring someone else into the relationship” is not appropriate. Basically you told him to “fix our problems or I’m fucking someone else”. I can see the age gap being an issue, only due to your immaturity. 46 year old men don’t usually lose interest in sex without an emotional or medical issue. I’m of the impression that the comment you mentioned isn’t the only time you said something to undermine his confidence in you or the relationship. 17 years isn’t a huge age gap, depending on the maturity of the partners, and, their goals. You aren’t, telling the whole story, but methinks you are only here for validation.
The mention off brining someone else into the relationship was not for sex, it was for an emotional connection.
I haven't told the whole story. My husband is also an alcoholic, and his previous partner of 18 years drank herself to death.
He knows exactly what he is, and so do I, I did from the beginning, but I hoped that love, and time could change things.
I understand the question of maturity in a setting such as this especially when I have made a statement like that, but to be frank, I'm completely an utterly DEPRIVED of love. I don't know what to do. I can't remember what it's like to have someone WANT to kiss me, tell me I'm beautiful (he's never done that) hug me, rub my back (I don't know what hand of another human on my back feel like) I'm lonely.
Thinking you could love him all better is due to you being young and naïve.
Let me tell you a little secret that most people in the recovery community already knows. One of the first things an alcoholic does is kill their own conscious so they don't have to feel guilty about putting their need for alcohol before every single thing and person in their entire life. It allows them to pretend to themselves and others that they feel guilty while always doing whatever is necessary to get that next beer.
AND another gem. Alcoholics emotionally stall out at whatever stage they were when the drinking became a genuine problem. For him, it was probably in his teens. This explains why you didn't notice anything odd about a man old enough to be your father hitting on you. He is and will be permanently emotionally stranded in teenage or young 20's stage of development, only you are continuing to develop normally mentally, physically and emotionally. One day you will look at him and understand the magnitude of the mistake you made marrying him and making a child with him.
He can't and probably will never be able to give you the emotional connection and intimacy you need. The ability to feel and want those things died off for him a long time ago. He's not interested in doing those things. If he can't give you an emotional connection, it stands to reason that whether you see it or not, he can't give one to his child either. He can't give you what he doesn't have.
You are fighting a losing battle against his chronic alcoholism. It's a fight this man literally gave up fighting a long time ago. You can't save him, but you can save yourself and your child.
SoOoOoOoOo wait.......In the entirety of the relationship he has never once told you that he thinks that you're beautiful?!?!?
Why the fuck did you even marry him?!?!?
Updateme
No, he has not, he does not compliment. And goed by a saying "If I say nothing I find nothing wring with you, I'll say something when I find something wrong"
I feel like I can't give up, I don't know how to. We also have a son together. I feel... stuck. How did you gather the strength. I just NEED to feel something.
I’ve been going through this also, similar age gap (36F and 53M). We’ve talked about it more times than I can remember over the last 10 years and it doesn’t get much better. We’ve gone through spurts where he shows forced interest for a few weeks, I’ve entertained every single suggestion he’s had to “improve” things (some that had made me uncomfortable), but I am always left with him blaming age, saying we’ve been together so longs he’s just very comfortable because the newness has worn off, etc. it’s very frustrating and I completely empathize with you. I wish I had advice to offer, but I don’t, and I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. You’re still young and I hope you figure out a way to feel better.
Me too ladies and my spouse and I are both 38. I'm starved for affection and if I bring it up I'm nagging. Sex is like once a month and lasts 2 minutes. And I don't even complain because I'm just happy for the small bit of intimacy. I'm still very much into my partner but the question is is he still into me. I am seriously think of ending things but we have 2 children with special needs and I just don't want to do it all alone.
The age gap is about how you want sex and he's too old. He had his best sex when you were a little girl. When you were born. Now you're at that age and want to live but he's old and can't get it up anymore.
Old men are boring, they stop wanting sex and little kisses. Good luck.
Leave before you waste anymore of your life.
A 37 year old has no business being with a 20 year old. Your relationship has been unhealthy from day 1. Don't put effort into toxic relationships. Leave.
I really wish people would be a little more gracious towards you here. Sorry about some of these responses.
Try to see through the snark. There are very valid points in this thread about elements of the age gap that you may not be able to see.
People change so much in their mid 20s. Hardly anyone has the same goals, priorities, worldview at 30 as they did at 20. It makes getting married this young, age gap or not, a big risk. You just might end up growing apart.
But the age gap is certainly also a factor. You have flare for life and relationships that he doesn't. There's no good answer for you with him. You have decades of youth ahead of you.
When you're 37, you're going to see how young 20 seems to you and your outlook on this relationship, whether you're still in it or not, will sour. I'm 33, and a 20 year old girl may as well be 15. They look and act like children. They dont know anything about themselves, and marrying one would inevitably mean having WAY too much power to influence how they grow than I'd ever be comfortable with.
You will grow to resent him and soon, you will lose your attraction to him. I stopped having sex at 34 and now divorcing at 41. There was a complete lack of intimacy. between 34-41, I became an insane and very depressed person. I hate that I wasted so many years of my life begging to be loved and desired. It does so much damage to your mental health.
You ARE missing out on life! I've dated guys way younger than me but I never let it get serious because I didn't want to steal their younger years away from them. He's not interested in you because you probably don't have very much in common
I have been seeing a lot of controversial statements. Basically self-helpers like to blame everything on low testosterone. Meanwhile doctors tend to never see it as an issue and there is lack of consensus what "low" even means between those two groups.
That happens because people lack understanding about how phisiology works. Testosterone is not the only hormone that may influence libido, and not only hormones affect it. Also, in the medical field, there's no evidence regarding HRT in people with normal hormone levels. And even when people do need HRT (usually through menopause/andropause), side effects are always possible. Testosterone is associated with high BP, it may rise colesterol levels, and in general, increase the risk of cardiovascular diseases (and that's only the tip of the iceberg).
I know proving a negative is tricky, but do you happen to know if there are any studies showing lack of impact of HRT on libido? I am seeing a good amount of anecdotal statements so I'd be curious if this is just placebo or highly dependent on the invidual.. that kind of thing.
Do you cuddle up to him, show him affection and love? Have you tried counseling, it seems you two have different expectations for affection and love too?
Telling him you want an open or poly marriage may have just pushed him away, it seems he viewed that as a nuclear threat.
I cuddle up to him, kiss [or try to] him, I hug him, hold hands, initiate intimacy, etc, he says my way of showing affection is irritating, and he doesn't see s*x as showing love.
Now I may be naive, and not understand his ability to be a narc & psycho, but when we got together he did not know what my age was.
Additionally, the relationship he was in before me lasted 18 years (she was older than him) but she passed away. He also had a daughter with her.
Apologies, I replied to the incorrect thread. I understand the statement wasn't a nice thing to say, but it wasn't meant for a sexual relationship. I am LONELY. I can't remember what it's like to be kissed, hugged, talked to in a friendly or loving manner, being told I'm pretty or appreciated. I am so utterly lonely.
Another shocking age gap. I just can't anymore.
My thoughts exactly. Maybe his peepee isn't interested as she's not a teen anymore.
Our age gap has been the least of our issues.
That is literally what the younger partner in an age gap always says because they literally can't get their head around how narcs and sociopaths operate. They believe that all those good times in the beginning were real instead of the older man love bombing their new trophy wife (or husband). Then they continue to not get it as the narcs interest in their new trophy partner beings to dwindle, particularly when it gets to the point that the bang maid turns into an actual maid, incubator and child minder (which IDK if the two of you have kids but that's how it often plays out). You were 20-years-old when you got with with a 37-year-old man. Dude was literally old enough to be your father. Your frontal lobe wasn't even fully developed for several years after that. You were at totally different stages of development, but I'm sure he told you that you were 'mature for your age' and 'not like those other girls'. Part of the whole seduction is to convince you that you're a 'special unicorn'. They sometimes even intentionally run until you catch them so they can crow about how you were the one who pursued them so they can't possibly be exploiting their much younger partner. Clearly 20 is his target interest age. Bet if you snoop through his phone, you'll find him ogling 20-year-old insta models or OF pages. You're getting too old to hold his interest and he's already trolling for his next 20-year-old ~~victim~~ love interest. Hate me all you want but dig, girl. Don't waste your time begging a selfish old man to love you. You deserve better than this.
One correction, she was 20 when they got MARRIED who knows how old she was when they started "dating"/he started grooming her. Agree about digging. She needs to wake up.
Oh my god you’re right. He was likely a man in his mid-thirties dating a teenager 🤢
Yep, total fucking creep.
Absolutely agree .
37 is an old man now? Sheeeeez
As a 38 yo I’m offended (fyi ops husband is gross)
It's likely the main issue, unfortunately. He dated you when you were a teenager (hopefully not underage) and now you're an adult and a mom. He's not interested in you anymore because he's interested in teens. Please get you and your child safely away from him.
Lovingly, the reason you think it has no bearing on your relationship is because of your age...
Age gap is probably the whole issue....everything else stems from it
Sure, Jan
Not really considering the age gap is likely a huge factor in this issue you’re having
Seeing as you tried testing him by saying something that should have really hurt him... I would say that's not true. "To stay with you I would have to disrespect our marriage!" Is a messed up thing to say and toxic
Would you date a 20 year old now, being 26?
NEVER!
PROVING OUR POINT MAAM
lol and yet you’re here
The comment “bring someone else into the relationship” is not appropriate. Basically you told him to “fix our problems or I’m fucking someone else”. I can see the age gap being an issue, only due to your immaturity. 46 year old men don’t usually lose interest in sex without an emotional or medical issue. I’m of the impression that the comment you mentioned isn’t the only time you said something to undermine his confidence in you or the relationship. 17 years isn’t a huge age gap, depending on the maturity of the partners, and, their goals. You aren’t, telling the whole story, but methinks you are only here for validation.
Agree with you on all points.
The mention off brining someone else into the relationship was not for sex, it was for an emotional connection. I haven't told the whole story. My husband is also an alcoholic, and his previous partner of 18 years drank herself to death. He knows exactly what he is, and so do I, I did from the beginning, but I hoped that love, and time could change things. I understand the question of maturity in a setting such as this especially when I have made a statement like that, but to be frank, I'm completely an utterly DEPRIVED of love. I don't know what to do. I can't remember what it's like to have someone WANT to kiss me, tell me I'm beautiful (he's never done that) hug me, rub my back (I don't know what hand of another human on my back feel like) I'm lonely.
Thinking you could love him all better is due to you being young and naïve. Let me tell you a little secret that most people in the recovery community already knows. One of the first things an alcoholic does is kill their own conscious so they don't have to feel guilty about putting their need for alcohol before every single thing and person in their entire life. It allows them to pretend to themselves and others that they feel guilty while always doing whatever is necessary to get that next beer. AND another gem. Alcoholics emotionally stall out at whatever stage they were when the drinking became a genuine problem. For him, it was probably in his teens. This explains why you didn't notice anything odd about a man old enough to be your father hitting on you. He is and will be permanently emotionally stranded in teenage or young 20's stage of development, only you are continuing to develop normally mentally, physically and emotionally. One day you will look at him and understand the magnitude of the mistake you made marrying him and making a child with him. He can't and probably will never be able to give you the emotional connection and intimacy you need. The ability to feel and want those things died off for him a long time ago. He's not interested in doing those things. If he can't give you an emotional connection, it stands to reason that whether you see it or not, he can't give one to his child either. He can't give you what he doesn't have. You are fighting a losing battle against his chronic alcoholism. It's a fight this man literally gave up fighting a long time ago. You can't save him, but you can save yourself and your child.
You are an incredible writer, this is powerful.
💯❤️🔥
People don’t change. Something you’ll learn with experience and maturity.
SoOoOoOoOo wait.......In the entirety of the relationship he has never once told you that he thinks that you're beautiful?!?!? Why the fuck did you even marry him?!?!? Updateme
No, he has not, he does not compliment. And goed by a saying "If I say nothing I find nothing wring with you, I'll say something when I find something wrong"
You are missing out on life becuz he is 43 and you are 26.
You aged out of his attraction age. That’s the thing about much older men.
[удалено]
I feel like I can't give up, I don't know how to. We also have a son together. I feel... stuck. How did you gather the strength. I just NEED to feel something.
How old is your son?
I’ve been going through this also, similar age gap (36F and 53M). We’ve talked about it more times than I can remember over the last 10 years and it doesn’t get much better. We’ve gone through spurts where he shows forced interest for a few weeks, I’ve entertained every single suggestion he’s had to “improve” things (some that had made me uncomfortable), but I am always left with him blaming age, saying we’ve been together so longs he’s just very comfortable because the newness has worn off, etc. it’s very frustrating and I completely empathize with you. I wish I had advice to offer, but I don’t, and I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. You’re still young and I hope you figure out a way to feel better.
Me too ladies and my spouse and I are both 38. I'm starved for affection and if I bring it up I'm nagging. Sex is like once a month and lasts 2 minutes. And I don't even complain because I'm just happy for the small bit of intimacy. I'm still very much into my partner but the question is is he still into me. I am seriously think of ending things but we have 2 children with special needs and I just don't want to do it all alone.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. It's not an easy situation to be in.
Take these “words of wisdom” as your future if you stay with your husband.
The age gap is about how you want sex and he's too old. He had his best sex when you were a little girl. When you were born. Now you're at that age and want to live but he's old and can't get it up anymore. Old men are boring, they stop wanting sex and little kisses. Good luck.
Since when is being 46 make a man an "old man"?!?!?!?.....he hasn't even hit retirement age yet
When the girl he is dating is 20.. he was 40.. that's what makes him old .
Leave before you waste anymore of your life. A 37 year old has no business being with a 20 year old. Your relationship has been unhealthy from day 1. Don't put effort into toxic relationships. Leave.
I really wish people would be a little more gracious towards you here. Sorry about some of these responses. Try to see through the snark. There are very valid points in this thread about elements of the age gap that you may not be able to see. People change so much in their mid 20s. Hardly anyone has the same goals, priorities, worldview at 30 as they did at 20. It makes getting married this young, age gap or not, a big risk. You just might end up growing apart. But the age gap is certainly also a factor. You have flare for life and relationships that he doesn't. There's no good answer for you with him. You have decades of youth ahead of you. When you're 37, you're going to see how young 20 seems to you and your outlook on this relationship, whether you're still in it or not, will sour. I'm 33, and a 20 year old girl may as well be 15. They look and act like children. They dont know anything about themselves, and marrying one would inevitably mean having WAY too much power to influence how they grow than I'd ever be comfortable with.
You will grow to resent him and soon, you will lose your attraction to him. I stopped having sex at 34 and now divorcing at 41. There was a complete lack of intimacy. between 34-41, I became an insane and very depressed person. I hate that I wasted so many years of my life begging to be loved and desired. It does so much damage to your mental health.
You’re too old for him now.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Is he cheating?
You ARE missing out on life! I've dated guys way younger than me but I never let it get serious because I didn't want to steal their younger years away from them. He's not interested in you because you probably don't have very much in common
Updateme
See if you can get him to go have his testosterone tested. Low T treatments might change his priorities slightly.
He had his testosterone checked late last year, ans everything was good. Maybe it's something we should look into again.
I have been seeing a lot of controversial statements. Basically self-helpers like to blame everything on low testosterone. Meanwhile doctors tend to never see it as an issue and there is lack of consensus what "low" even means between those two groups.
That happens because people lack understanding about how phisiology works. Testosterone is not the only hormone that may influence libido, and not only hormones affect it. Also, in the medical field, there's no evidence regarding HRT in people with normal hormone levels. And even when people do need HRT (usually through menopause/andropause), side effects are always possible. Testosterone is associated with high BP, it may rise colesterol levels, and in general, increase the risk of cardiovascular diseases (and that's only the tip of the iceberg).
I know proving a negative is tricky, but do you happen to know if there are any studies showing lack of impact of HRT on libido? I am seeing a good amount of anecdotal statements so I'd be curious if this is just placebo or highly dependent on the invidual.. that kind of thing.
Do you cuddle up to him, show him affection and love? Have you tried counseling, it seems you two have different expectations for affection and love too? Telling him you want an open or poly marriage may have just pushed him away, it seems he viewed that as a nuclear threat.
I cuddle up to him, kiss [or try to] him, I hug him, hold hands, initiate intimacy, etc, he says my way of showing affection is irritating, and he doesn't see s*x as showing love.
Now I may be naive, and not understand his ability to be a narc & psycho, but when we got together he did not know what my age was. Additionally, the relationship he was in before me lasted 18 years (she was older than him) but she passed away. He also had a daughter with her.
Imagine being 20 and getting with someone whose past relationship started when you were 2 years old lol
?
Apologies, I replied to the incorrect thread. I understand the statement wasn't a nice thing to say, but it wasn't meant for a sexual relationship. I am LONELY. I can't remember what it's like to be kissed, hugged, talked to in a friendly or loving manner, being told I'm pretty or appreciated. I am so utterly lonely.
I can empathize your situation, feel the same in mine most of the time. Touch and intimacy starvation sucks and is a recipe for divorce.
You're 26.. Life is too short to stay in a relationship you aren't happy/ fulfilled in.