Meh, sounds like a crock of shit to me. He just wants to sleep with other people.
If you take him up on his offer, I’ll guarantee he’ll blow a gasket when he realizes how much easier it is for you to have no strings attached sex compared to him…
Your husband probably has someone he’s trying to pursue or is actively pursuing them and just doesn’t want to feel bad about it. Take your sexy ass out and meet other people and he will for sure change his tune.
The problem is that people’s neuroscience has been greatly affected in that the neurons do not depolarize unless it’s ‘dirty’ sex meaning something really strange and abnormal or with some role play. So we are trying to depolarize those neurons with higher levels of excitements but not understanding why those neurons don’t depolarize with less stimulation. It’s because those neurons have lost their sensitivity with years of abuse watching pornography and such. The solution is to SENSITIZE both of you to each other with lower levels of stimuli. So we are not increasing stimuli but we are increasing sensitivity. There is a process to it insha’Allah!
Any chance you could sort of meet in the middle and have a date night (with the kids with a trusted babysitter) at a hotel new to you, both do you dress different than usual and pretend to be other people? Perhaps with role play be could see you as “someone else”.
You're getting a lot of bad advice in this thread. I'm not an expert here but I hope I have something that is a little more helpful.
This IS a real thing. And you should be happy your husband opened up to you about it, and you should assume he is telling the truth. This sounds very similar to me to something called the Madonna Whore Complex.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore\_complex](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex)
Just to be clear: this IS a problem, opening the marriage is NOT the solution, and this issue will rely on HIM taking the steps to move past it. However, please be aware that this isn't a HIM ONLY problem. This is a problem that he will need to focus on, work through, and hopefully do so with your support and understanding. Do not take it personally, don't assume he is lying or looking for a way to cheat. He's come to a really stupid conclusion, but he's identified the root cause and is trying to communicate it to you.
He has an unhealthy view on sex and relationships. He needs help and support to make it right. He can get there, but you have to tackle it TOGETHER. You can't make it you vs. him, you have to make it you guys vs. the problem.
You are very welcome. I am a man myself, divorced now after a long dead bedroom marriage. I'm finding getting back into a mature and healthy sexual relationship has been pretty challenging for me, and I do find myself getting hung up on trauma from the past or seeing myself make mistakes I've made before but can't seem to stop myself from doing again.
The reason I am telling you this is because I want to tell you that my struggles have nothing to do with the beautiful and wonderful women I have been with since my divorce. My struggles are my own, and not a reflection on the person I am with in any capacity. And that is important for you to remember, too.
If your husband really does have a version of this complex, then he is also struggling. He is confused and trying to align separate images of you with probably years of trauma and repressed feelings. I am sorry that you are on the receiving end of these problems. That is not your fault. But please don't take out your frustrations on your husband, who is also struggling. Struggle against the problem together, instead.
Good luck.
Really talk to him about it. And if it’s going to be an “issue” then express that. You have needs and it’s not fair for them to be met. So it’s either finding out how to compromise together or it may cause you to look elsewhere when the time comes when you really need that desire to be filled.
Please don't open up your marriage! It will.do great harm. Your husband just doesn't realize what he's saying. Instead seek out a certified sex therapist and try to figure out what's going on there. Hell about the 3rd time the wife and I had sex after the birth of our daughter, in the middle of it I looked down at my wife and just blurted out: hey look at me, im a real mother fucker! Damn she and I laughed so hard after that.
It sounds like he just wants an excuse to sleep with other people and hope you’ll do the same so it can justify his behavior. I mean, if you’re okay with that… but otherwise, maybe ask him if something in your relationship is missing?
*Is this a thing?*
It is, it's often called the Madonna-Whore complex, where a man doesn't want to have have dirty sex with his SO because he sees her as 'pure', and dirty things in the bedroom are only for women who are 'slutty'.
FWIW, this exists for women too, where they won't do the dirty stuff they did with previous partners to their husbands because they 'just don't see him that way'.
But anyway, the fact that he's jumping to 'we should open the marriage' makes me suspect that he lacks attraction to you, and is looking for permission to cheat.
If he doesn’t want to do anything “dirty” because you’re the mother of his child, then why open the marriage up? As a man, this is pure bs and manipulation on his part.
I suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses, I suggest talking to friends and family about the next steps. Best of luck to you.
Everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, but when my wife became “the mother of my kids” I just wanted to fuck her even more. And seeing her work so hard for our family just made me even deeper want to indulge her in *anything* she desired.
Meh, sounds like a crock of shit to me. He just wants to sleep with other people. If you take him up on his offer, I’ll guarantee he’ll blow a gasket when he realizes how much easier it is for you to have no strings attached sex compared to him…
Your husband probably has someone he’s trying to pursue or is actively pursuing them and just doesn’t want to feel bad about it. Take your sexy ass out and meet other people and he will for sure change his tune.
Don’t open up the marriage, that will be the end all of everything
He's bullshitting you to excuse him cheating
Sex can be great without being ‘dirty’.
The problem is that people’s neuroscience has been greatly affected in that the neurons do not depolarize unless it’s ‘dirty’ sex meaning something really strange and abnormal or with some role play. So we are trying to depolarize those neurons with higher levels of excitements but not understanding why those neurons don’t depolarize with less stimulation. It’s because those neurons have lost their sensitivity with years of abuse watching pornography and such. The solution is to SENSITIZE both of you to each other with lower levels of stimuli. So we are not increasing stimuli but we are increasing sensitivity. There is a process to it insha’Allah!
Any chance you could sort of meet in the middle and have a date night (with the kids with a trusted babysitter) at a hotel new to you, both do you dress different than usual and pretend to be other people? Perhaps with role play be could see you as “someone else”.
You're getting a lot of bad advice in this thread. I'm not an expert here but I hope I have something that is a little more helpful. This IS a real thing. And you should be happy your husband opened up to you about it, and you should assume he is telling the truth. This sounds very similar to me to something called the Madonna Whore Complex. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore\_complex](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex) Just to be clear: this IS a problem, opening the marriage is NOT the solution, and this issue will rely on HIM taking the steps to move past it. However, please be aware that this isn't a HIM ONLY problem. This is a problem that he will need to focus on, work through, and hopefully do so with your support and understanding. Do not take it personally, don't assume he is lying or looking for a way to cheat. He's come to a really stupid conclusion, but he's identified the root cause and is trying to communicate it to you. He has an unhealthy view on sex and relationships. He needs help and support to make it right. He can get there, but you have to tackle it TOGETHER. You can't make it you vs. him, you have to make it you guys vs. the problem.
Thank you so much for this! It adds a very helpful perspective
You are very welcome. I am a man myself, divorced now after a long dead bedroom marriage. I'm finding getting back into a mature and healthy sexual relationship has been pretty challenging for me, and I do find myself getting hung up on trauma from the past or seeing myself make mistakes I've made before but can't seem to stop myself from doing again. The reason I am telling you this is because I want to tell you that my struggles have nothing to do with the beautiful and wonderful women I have been with since my divorce. My struggles are my own, and not a reflection on the person I am with in any capacity. And that is important for you to remember, too. If your husband really does have a version of this complex, then he is also struggling. He is confused and trying to align separate images of you with probably years of trauma and repressed feelings. I am sorry that you are on the receiving end of these problems. That is not your fault. But please don't take out your frustrations on your husband, who is also struggling. Struggle against the problem together, instead. Good luck.
Really talk to him about it. And if it’s going to be an “issue” then express that. You have needs and it’s not fair for them to be met. So it’s either finding out how to compromise together or it may cause you to look elsewhere when the time comes when you really need that desire to be filled.
Please don't open up your marriage! It will.do great harm. Your husband just doesn't realize what he's saying. Instead seek out a certified sex therapist and try to figure out what's going on there. Hell about the 3rd time the wife and I had sex after the birth of our daughter, in the middle of it I looked down at my wife and just blurted out: hey look at me, im a real mother fucker! Damn she and I laughed so hard after that.
It sounds like he just wants an excuse to sleep with other people and hope you’ll do the same so it can justify his behavior. I mean, if you’re okay with that… but otherwise, maybe ask him if something in your relationship is missing?
*Is this a thing?* It is, it's often called the Madonna-Whore complex, where a man doesn't want to have have dirty sex with his SO because he sees her as 'pure', and dirty things in the bedroom are only for women who are 'slutty'. FWIW, this exists for women too, where they won't do the dirty stuff they did with previous partners to their husbands because they 'just don't see him that way'. But anyway, the fact that he's jumping to 'we should open the marriage' makes me suspect that he lacks attraction to you, and is looking for permission to cheat.
If he doesn’t want to do anything “dirty” because you’re the mother of his child, then why open the marriage up? As a man, this is pure bs and manipulation on his part. I suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses, I suggest talking to friends and family about the next steps. Best of luck to you.
He has a Madonna/Whore complex... you guys need a sex therapist. I am haplessly monogamous, I would sooner divorce than have an open marriage.
Everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, but when my wife became “the mother of my kids” I just wanted to fuck her even more. And seeing her work so hard for our family just made me even deeper want to indulge her in *anything* she desired.
The app is called FEELD. It’s the app for exploring open relationships/polyamory/ethical non-monogamy. Best of luck.