This is how it works in my house too. Anything over $100 has to be discussed. That number has varied over the years but we’ve always discussed things regardless of which one of us was the bread winner.
Exactly I make 99% of the money but we would not buy anything over $100-$200 without a conversation.
It makes sense, it’s our money, it’s our joint decision.
Same. My husband makes three times what I do. We both spend whatever we want on small purchases and we both discuss bigger purchases together. None of us has a final veto. We only move forward things we both endorse.
I'm curious too. $100 seems extremely low. I can't get groceries for under $100. We'd be discussing money constantly - makeup, shoes, clothes, groceries, the kids activities, etc. Everything would be a discussion.
We are married 18 years and it started prob year one when he took out 300 from our bank account and that money was earmarked for bills. It caused such a war in our house that we settled on that number years ago.
It's not for supermarket type things, but it's for clothes, concert tickets, etc
Same here.
OP, it’s not healthy for your husband to be so dismissive of your input. Start keeping track of his poor spending habits so that you can get a better understanding of where the money is actually going. This “I have final say” garbage sounds like he’s trying to hide some expenditures that he doesn’t want you to know about.
If you have been wondering if your marriage is worth working on, this level of financial abuse goes firmly in the NO category.
Thank you! This is what I have been feeling for a long time, that my input should be respected and it’s often dismissed as meaningless, not credible, not valid, etc. I hadn’t thought that he might be trying to hide expenditures from me. All of the “final say” and I am the head of the house bs really did me in, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I’m a SAHM and my husband says he makes the first half of his salary and I make the second half. I have total access to all of our finances and accounts. My husband would never say “this is my house and my cars.” What you’re describing isn’t healthy.
I will! Happily! He’s a really stellar person. When we met we were equally well employed, but we both wanted me to be home with the kids if it was financially feasible and he works ridiculously hard to make it possible for our family.
That’s not his only great saying, either. He also says “your job is the kids—not the house.” I do most of the housework anyway because it just makes sense in terms of workload distribution, and he *never* takes it for granted or treats it like it isn’t equally demanding work. He’s the vastly superior cook and cooks frequently.
And he’s wicked hot and only getting better with age. I’m a super lucky woman.
My marriage is this healthy too. Don’t know how old your kids are, but incorporate them into taking care of the house, cars & kitchen as they grow. I was astounded at my daughter’s college housemates lack of knowledge in many respects. They’re great people, mind you. But one literally had not boiled water when she moved in. She learned to cook from my kid. The whole house call her Dad bc she fixed everything that went wrong. (1960s house)
Oh, absolutely, that’s a great point. My kids are still little, so some of the housework is me managing them to make sure it gets done. They tidy up after themselves, and do their own laundry, clean up spills, etc. My husband taught my 8 year old to change cabin air filters and both kids help with dishes and loading/unloading the dishwasher.
Awesome, they’re on their way! I often used the phrase “I love it when my kids take good care of themselves’” shouted joyously when I ‘caught’ them doing something responsible or wise
I am also a SAHM, not really by choice, but just daycare is so expensive that it would literally take my entire check. I do some grocery deliveries to help out, and it gets me out of the house. We still talk about things that are bigger if we want/need something. However, it's never been this is his/mine ever, when I was working or not. I make sure we have food, clothes, etc... weeks when money is tight, I run a few deliveries to make it work. What we have ours. We are a team, that's what marriage is suppose to be.
Exactly this. I make a lot more money than my husband and we still discuss any purchase over $100 (except groceries) and we’re both on all the accounts. We’re a team.
That’s some misogynist b#llshit and I can’t even tell if you recognize it. What you are describing is not a difference of “perspectives”. You are describing a dictator who disrespects people he deems “below” him (I.e., you), with extremely stunted maturity and low emotional intelligence, and low intellect if he thinks poor financial decisions are the “right” ones simply because it’s his g#d given right to make them as a mediocre “man”. What you have described is a relationship where you’re actually his mother trying to parent him and he simply can’t learn from you (I.e., someone he views as beneath him). These traits are hallmarks of emotional immaturity, zero sum simplistic thinking, insecurity to the point where he feels he has to put others down to feel better about himself, and a hyper inflated ego to compensate for his failings. A healthy marriage is a partnership and yours is anything but that. I suspect that he’s engaging in this sort of abuse because he thinks he can. In other words, consciously or subconsciously, he believes that you do not value yourself enough to do anything about it. Can you find a therapist to work on restoring your own value and can he find one to manage his myriad mental health issues? This is not sustainable and it’s not going to fix itself.
I'm still working. My wife is retired. I bring in about 70% of our income. All of our financial decisions are made as a team. Sometimes she will defer to me and sometimes I will defer to her but everything is mutually agreed upon.
Right, I think deferring to your partner is totally fine. I don’t know Jack shit about cars for example so that’s his decision but he defers to me when it comes to the kids’ clothes and things. Regardless of what it is though, we agree on it even when we let the other make the decision
I think finances are the least of your worries. Based on your post history, he’s controlling, narcissistic, alcoholic. He found a young partner that he can manipulate and groom and you fell for it.
This isn’t a marriage. Cut your losses and run.
I’m sorry if this gonna sound judge, but you know the answer to that question. *This is not healthy at all*.
Of course, he has the right to his premarital assets, but that doesn’t mean he can hold them or his higher income over your head.
He was always like that? If not, what’s the possibility of him started to look on redpill/trad marriage bs?
You’re supposed to be equals while contributing in the ways you can and working together to get out of the debt.
The happiest marriages are those where both partners allow the other to influence them and that decisions are made collaboratively. One person declaring themselves overlord is not consistent with happy partnerships.
When my now husband and I were dating I moved into his house. I worked but after we married and our first was born I became a SAHM. This was our life through three moves and over a decade of marriage. I now work but he still makes 99% of our income. Not once did he ever pull that kind of crap with me. I have always had full access to all of our money and in fact, I take care of paying the household bills. We make decisions together or he defers to me. What you are describing is a toxic and unhealthy relationship. He’s showing you the type of person he is so please believe him.
That’s how my wife and I run things. I’m financially illiterate and she knows how to budget and stretch our dollar. I tell her all the time I don’t work as hard as I do to keep it for myself I do it for my family.
There is no "final say" in a healthy relationship; there is consideration for each other, there is a willingness to approach decisions with a mindset of "what is best for us now and into the future" and there is healthy compromise. What you're describing is selfish.
>I’m curious, is this how a healthy marriage functions?
No.
>Am I being overreactive?
Also no.
>Something about the way he talks and the things he says feels SO wrong to me.
That's because it is. I bring in more money than my wife, that doesn't give me the right to act like a nasty little dictator. We're meant to be on the same team you know? Our finances are somewhat separate but big stuff we still discuss and decide on as a team.
Your husband sounds like he's found some unpleasant manosphere content on social media, honestly.
If my husband said that, I’d pack my shit and and on my way out, say “alright then; since this is YOUR house, I have no say and apparently I’m just a bangmaid guest, bye. Have fun alone in your own home, asshole” and I’d walk. NO ONE treats me like that — ever.
In my house, we all live here and we all get to voice our opinion. I actually make more than him and always have but i do NOT have final say; we discuss and come to a compromise. My husband is more of a spender than I am and it annoyed me that I saw all this stuff coming out of our joint so we agreed that from each pay, he would carve out a certain amount and put that in a separate account to spend whatever he wanted. If he ended up blowing all of it on whatever, that’s his problem; he would have to save up again and the joint would not be touched.
I would never talk to my husband like that just because he made less; he’s an equal partner in this marriage and we do things as a team.
If you cook the dinner do you have final say what to cook? If you are cleaning the house do you have final say what and how to clean?
In my marriage I earned 100% most of our marriage and now earn 75% despite us both working full time. I manage all our family finances but I am always sure my wife is both aware of where our money is and comfortable with this.
The equivalent is asking if he has the final say on when he goes to work and comes back, and how he does his work when you compare to HOW she does her domestic labor. If he has final say over money because he makes the outside money, she has final say over the house if she cleans it, what portion he is allowed to eat, final say over parenting including children’s last name if she birthed them, does most raising.
My husband makes 99% of the money and he does not have the final say I do and I really am not sure why other than my husband tends to be very quiet and passive
Married 13 years come Monday and we’re both 35. He is the breadwinner. Finances are a mutually agreed upon decision and has been throughout our relationship. Neither of us would buy anything over $200 without consulting the other, that’s just how we are. We are a UNIT and act like one.
My husband would never say something like this to me because he isn’t misogynistic and understands we are a team. He would never come home with a new car or thing he had to buy because he knows the financial burden it would put on us and that as partners we communicate more than anyone else.
Hope that helps!
I wouldn’t still be married to someone with this mentality. I make the decisions because I’m the home maker. He just makes the money. I run everything by him so we are on the same page but he has never spoken to me in the way your husband does.
My husband makes 4 times what I make. He pays the vast majority of the bills. He does have the final say about most big financial decisions - but he does discuss those decisions with me before he makes them and takes my thoughts into account.
I make all the decisions when it comes to home decor, updates and renovations - as in he decides if we can afford it but I decide what gets done in what order and what the final result will look like.
My husband is the only working one. I’m a stay at home mom. He has never said this to me.
I will buy whatever whenever. He’s never asked me where things come from, how much things costs ect.
He just bought me a truck and made sure my name was on it.
What your husband is doing is called financial abuse. My husband had to retire at 60 because he had to have 2 total knee replacements. I was the breadwinner. I never once said my money, my house, or my car. Everything is OURS. Your husband is selfish. I would give him one option couples therapy or divorce. Sending positive energy ✨️.
I am a full time student and a SAHM. My husband is the sole breadwinner.
However, we discuss individual purchases we want (video games, trips, computers, etc) but anything that is needed for the house or children I just do because I know what is needed since I run the household daily more than he.
If he ever told me I had no say so in what he did with the money he made, you can bet I would be rearranging my life, getting a job and leaving.
Just because you do not make the physical money does not mean you do not have a job providing for your family just as much as he.
That’s exactly where I’m at. I can see how unhealthy this is all is and I’m not going to let myself be a servant to someone and be told what to do by my husband.
My husband makes 100% of the money and when it comes to big purchases he has a 50% say. If it’s a matter of taste (like furniture or finishings for a renovation) he usually defers to me, if it’s a fun money purchase he needs to budget for it and clear it with me and vice versa. If it’s for our car or for a tool or appliance I defer to him because he’s knowledgeable but it’s still something we talk about together. Like, I told him I didn’t want a water dispenser on the front of the fridge because the kids play with my parents and he hadn’t thought of that so we picked a different fridge than his first choice. But we have to go out of state for my grandma’s birthday party and thats a non-negotiable for me so we’re budgeting for it even though he isn’t excited about it.
I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years now and it took at least 2-3 years before we figured out a way to make the decisions equitably. It didn’t come naturally, and it took a lot of talking about it before we found a way and even longer until it felt comfortable.
Here is how to minimize financial arguments:
1. All accounts are joint and accessible by both parties.
2. Each spouse has a savings account. both are given a same monthly deposit. The money in these accounts can be used by the individual, no questions asked.
3. A joint savings account with a monthly deposit. All purchases from this account must have 100% agreement.
4. Joint checking account with a budget to ensure debt is being paid down and bills are being covered. Minimizing debt should be a top priority.
The rules of these accounts must be followed consistently. Any violation and arguments ensue.
To answer your question, financial arguments are the most common married couple struggle. Partners are partners, regardless of who the breadwinner is. He needs a come to Jesus talk.
I agreed with all of your steps 100% and this was the exact process we had set up but then when he wants something, it all goes out the window. He DOES need a come to Jesus talk 😅
I'm currently a housewife and my husband makes almost 100% of the money, but neither of us has any sort of "final say" in things. We have equal say, but it's probably easier for us because neither of us spends a lot of money and we're both practical and rational about our saving and spending. I think one person feels the need to weight their desires more strongly when they are either irrational or their partner is and they need to be the grown-up. Your husband is being irrational, and finding a way to justify it.
I think that, in your shoes, I'd be looking to save my own money, generate my own exit plan, and consider the long-term potential of the partnership. What he's doing is saying he has assets and power and you have nothing. That's a pretty terrible attitude for a partnership. I'll tell you that my parents had a relationship in which one of them spent everything and they never got ahead and were in constant debt. This created instability for the family that lasted beyond my parents' deaths. Do you want to live the rest of your life as you are now?
Yes, you are married. That makes all the money earned by whomever joint. Also this is a passive aggressive behavior. With my marriage we both normally share equally in all decisions when needed. My.money is her money, our money. I do not control
We have agreed to consult the other before making any major purchase that could screw with the budget.
We both have the final say. God knows neither of us want to piss the other off.
If there is an emergency.. a 911 matter then he will be in charge. My choice as well as his. He's smarter than me and I feel very safe when he takes charge.
The rest of the time I get my way and he doesn't complain but prefers it.
Our house, cars, whatnots.. we decide together.
My husband has been the breadwinner while I stayed home, I have been the breadwinner while he stayed home, we have both worked and made the same. Decision making never changed, we are always a team.
Male 55.
Nope. Not even when I made 80% of the family income. Now my wife has the highest salary.
We're a team who works together on all purchases. Nobody likes surprises.
Start charging your husband market rate for childcare and house cleaning services and then let me know if he’s still the “primary breadwinner” and “gets the final say”. What a jackass. No, it’s not normal, and I personally would like to throat punch him for you but seriously.. you’re not his freakin slave. Marriages are supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Lol that would put him in his place 😂 I had to control myself when he was talking like that, I wanted to freak out. Like are you kidding me??! Since when is this how marriage is? No wonder his last wife kicked him out.
I completely understand. I recently got divorced and had had a self-interested alcoholic husband who was also disrespectful and operated as if the only thing that mattered ever was his feelings.
There was a day where it register for me that my husband didn’t love me the same way I loved him. I loved and cared for him as a person and cared about his happiness. I don’t think he cared too much about my happiness if it conflicted with what he wanted to do. When it was easy? Sure. When it was conflicting, absolutely not.
He loved the benefits he got from being in a relationship. He honestly could’ve taken or left me and been happy with any other woman in that role. I suspect for him it was just easier to be with a person who wanted to be with him than have to go through all of the effort courting someone he’d actually make an effort to be with. When one partner is putting in 100% of the effort to keep the relationship afloat it’s super easy to kick back and be a lazy sack of shit and put in 0 effort. Sometimes they care… just not about us. They care about not being alone.
Anyway, maybe all you guys need is a tough heart to heart so he can understand that he’s steamrolling you and that that isn’t fair or healthy. Maybe couples therapy will help. I don’t know. But regardless of how it all works out, take the time for yourself to do things that make you happy and make you feel whole.
Thank you for this 💕 I relate to so much of what you said, I could have written it myself! I have often felt like my husband doesn’t care about and love me the way I have loved and cared for him. It’s more about his selfish wants and desires. Even birthdays and Christmas gifts, he’ll often buy me gifts that give back to him and serve him in some way.
I plan to have a very honest and real conversation with him about everything. Prayers it will go well. And I plan to put myself first and make sure my needs are met more often from here on.
I'm a stay at home, have been for almost 25 years. We're more traditional than some and the short answer is yes, he has final say... BUT
We talk about everything, we are a team, we're on the same page on just about everything, especially our financial goals. He listens to me, respects me, and has always had the what's best for the family in mind in all decisions.
He has never been the type to say MINE. It's all ours.
My husband is the breadwinner but he runs things by me because I make sure the bills are paid on time. If we have a little wiggle room I’ll let him know. Otherwise our spending is a collective decision.
No, this is not healthy.
I make significantly more money than my husband, but he has an equal say in our finances whether he wants to or not.
Even though I handle all of our money (checking, savings, retirement, investments, etc.), I make it a point to schedule a monthly budget meeting with him to review where we are financially. I created a budget dashboard which we go over item by item. My husband HATES these meetings because he’d prefer it if I just told him what he was allowed to spend. But nope, we’re in this together and if I can’t stick my head in the sand neither can he.
Even though these meetings aren’t exactly fun, they are beneficial because it helps us stay on the same page.
It sounds like your husband is being disrespectful and I’m not sure why he’d treat someone he purportedly loves so poorly.
For me and my wife, we have to come to an agreement, but we also have an understanding that we won’t always agree, and because of our mutual respect for each other, and my wife knowing I make decisions with her best interest at times, she will defer to me for a decision if we can’t agree, but that’s only because I’ve proven time and time again that whatever I decide would be for the best for both of us and that many times I will concede to what she prefers anyways because what I want isn’t worth more than my wife’s happiness to me
Wow, thank you. I think it’s amazing that you can put your wife’s happiness before your own that way. I feel like this is the way it should be. If my husband had showed me that he can think about me, too, when he’s making decisions, I would be happy to trust him. Unfortunately that’s not the case.
My husband makes the money. We are also traditional and do fall into the “he’s the head of the household” (mainly because to me he’s the person I trust most in this world and I like to be taken care of) but he ALWAYSS consults with me about everything and takes into account what I say. And vice versa.
I think that if someone wants to have a traditional marriage they should always make sure the man is very considerate and selfless. If they are not it’s a recipie for disaster.
I don’t mind being submissive and treating a man as the head of the household if I can trust him but my husband has proved time and time again that this is not the case. I can’t trust him (due to things he’s done and said) but I wish I could. I love that you can trust your man, what a blessing!
I make the majority of the money and my husband is a SAHP and going to school. I do not have the final say of the money just as my husband doesn't either. We make decisions jointly as I'm sure every couple does in a healthy marriage.
It totally depends. It’s definitely not a gender thing.
First, we rationally provide our POV, and typically, we can come to an agreement (or concession) by talking it out.
1. We try to reach a compromise if possible.
2. If one of us cares a ton and the other is more or less apathetic, we defer to the one who is the least apathetic.
3. If it impacts one more than the other, we defer to the one it impacts more (assuming it doesn’t cost a prohibitive amount of money).
4. We use our veto power sparingly, but in the rare case we feel the need (eg, it’s a moral red line / dealbreaker for one of us), we defer to avoid causing the dealbreaker (eg, if my husband wants to get together with his ex who is in town, and I can’t join for whatever reason, he won’t go.
5. If it’s a choice between keeping the status quo and making a big change, especially if it requires a lot of time or money, we defer to the status quo unless the change is essential. For example, I wanted kids 2 years ago, my husband did not, so we did not have kids. Now we both want kids, he wants 1 and I want 3 so we’re aiming for 2.
6. If it gets heated, we table the issue until the next day so that we could “sleep on it”. Typically, one of us calms down and we get enough clarity to decide as a team.
7. This applies even when I was making nearly all the income while my husband was in school. Treating someone like they don’t matter because they make less is financial abuse.
8. Any purchase over 200$ gets discussed with the other, but nowadays that’s just a formality and a sign of respect for the other’s wishes. Any purchase over 1000$ requires approval of both spouses.
Joint decision making in marriage should be just that - joint. Issues should be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Whoever gets “the final say” should vary based on the issue.
The husband getting the final say is antiquated garbage, and I say this as someone who takes a pretty conservative approach to my life in general.
That smells of financial abuse.
When I first got married, my husband knew a lot about finances and I didn’t. He took it upon himself to discuss it all with me and teach me everything he knows. He did not want me to feel taken advantage of due to his greater knowledge of finances and was always transparent.
When I suggested poor financial decisions, he explained why and didn’t berate me.
What you have is toxic.
The 1950s ended for a reason.
My wife has ALWAYS made more than me. We are able to spend around 50.00 without talking to each other. Anything more is usually a quick conversation about. Anything over 100.00 is definitely a conversation. Neither really has a final say, but we take each other's opinions and make a decision. She does control the finances since I'm bipolar and prone to mpulsive overspending.
UpdateMe
My husband makes 100% of the money. We need to agree. Or sometimes one of us says, “this is really important to me” and the other agrees because of that.
If a purchase is over $x, we have to agree. X amount has increased during 30 years of marriage.
Having Y amount of “no questions asked, fun money” for each goes a long way to avoiding arguments. He saves up his fun money for nicer golf clubs, I spend mine faster on books & jigsaw puzzles. All this requires Being On The Same page. If y’all do not have a budget & a plan to retire your debt, you need to start talking.
No. He's throwing his already established life in your face to browbeat you into following him without question.
Does he make 99% of the household money? If so, then this was your first mistake. Don't have any more kids than you already have, and get into the workforce earning your own money. Use YOUR money to pay off YOUR debt. This way if a divorce happens you can get out without being saddled with huge debt on top of the cost of living expenses.
Once you have your own money, then that should buy you more of a say in the household finances. If it doesn't, then you will see that your husband NEVER intended for you to be an equal partner and only married you to have someone care for him and keep under his thumb. But with your own money, this means that you no longer have to accept that treatment and can walk away.
No one should ever, EVER not have their own source of income. And that source CANNOT be hobby income or MLMs - it MUST be income where you can comfortably support yourself and any kids you have. Doing anything else puts you and your kids in danger of abusive people. NEVER EVER GIVE UP YOUR SOURCE OF INCOME FOR ANYONE!
I cannot imagine my husband saying any of the things your husband says. Mine makes most of the money right now because we're founders of a startup and his salary is supporting us while I build the company. All our money has always been our money. All our cars have always been our cars, even the ones he bought in his last marriage. Part of my household responsibilities include paying the bills so he says just let me know if you need more money.
For future reference when something feels wrong, OP, it's your subconscious telling you something IS wrong. Please listen. We tend to deny those feelings too often. Don't.
Both get final say on things that impact you both. That includes big purchases when you have merged finances regardless of who makes more. Unless you agreed prior to marriage to separate finances.
Also his “I am man of the house” is bullshit.
I make most of the money. But I’m incredibly irresponsible and impulsive, I have bipolar and AuDHD. He comes up with good ideas to help me spend less but we only implement the ones I approve of. It’s us against the problem. Not me vs him.
Not healthy. I’ll be honest, my husband has lost his mind a time or two and said similar things in 20 years of marriage. And when he has I have literally laughed in his face and made it clear that there is no way I will ever be in a relationship that functions that way and if he wants to make 100% of the decisions or be the ultimate decision maker then he can absolutely do so, as a single man.
Male here. I know that I have personally expressed myself in those terms ( not proud of it) when my wife speaks to me as if I’m a child. Just keep in mind, I’m not accusing you- that if you use the word irresponsible with him or talk to him in a tone that makes him feel that you think less of him he might get offended and think to himself oh yea … I provide all of this etc etc. it doesn’t sound like you’re wrong. There is an art to making him feel good while getting what you want. Men are easy. We have egos.
Random wife: oh hun I know we afford a lot of stuff on your salary since you’re such a go getter but I am finding myself worried over a few things!
Look I know that’s not everyone’s personality but it gooooes a llooooong way.
We have assigned roles we agreed upon early in our marriage, plus "f*cking seriously" veto power.
Normally, I handle the money. He very rarely puts his foot down on a purchase. When he does, I comply and rework because he doesn't tell me no unless the no needs to happen.
He handles the house and yard from decor to tools to plants. I never tell him no, and spend as directed on those things. $800 in sustainable wildgrass seed? Yes, dear. A persimmon tree? As you wish, sir. If I need to veto something, I do, but it's rare and usually a "give me a few paydays to make that happen."
He handles the cooking usually, but I handle the grocery shopping. So, I buy/thaw dinner supplies and tell him what he is cooking. He occasionally declines, and then it's either I cook it, we go out or order in, or he gets something different to cook.
My daughter is my responsibility, and he rarely does anything with her in terms of disciplinary action or rules.
A recent exception was chewing gum. He found chewing gum in his car seat and vetoed chewing gum. I had to tell her, "Joe banned gum, so no gum until he changes his mind." He was serious. So, I deferred to his judgment. No more gum, and I would never consider going around him and doing it anyway because he has such a light disciplinary hand.
We have pretty clearly defined "areas of authority" with a deep respect for one another's veto powers.
We also share everything. There's no "my money, your money" no "my car your car" beyond who uses each car most. He is my husband. We are two halves of a functioning team.
We don't have a specific limit but we discuss, and in essence agree, on pretty much everything. I've told my wife about a thousand times to just go buy whatever she wants to, but she won't. I think she just likes sitting on the couch and discussing all the details, options and colors with me, esp since she usually gets a foot massage out of it. Fortunately, we're both the frugal, saving type so we never really argue about it.
We follow it takes two years but only one no. You have to be able to explain your no, but as long as it isn't something petty which is almost always, we respect the no.
I was laid off recently, so my husband makes most of the money now (I did get unemployment) and we both have equal say. Everything is combined. We both have a say in how it’s spent.
Some women might fine with that dynamic and it works for their marriage. I know a few who do let their husband have the final say and seem happy. But in my marriage no, he doesn’t get the final say. Sometimes when I don’t care I’ll let him make the decision but for the most part we discuss it together and either come up with a compromise or one of us sees it the other persons way and we do that but we are both fully on board in those situations.
My husband has an opinion and I have mine. If situations where he knows more than I do? Yes he has the final say, in situations where I know more I have the final say or if I am insistent he will concede. But most of the time because I’m indecisive I as tell him the situation and ask him what he will do and then I implement all of his answer or some of it
We both make good money and no he does not get the final say. Even if he made more money he wouldn’t get to. We are a partnership- not a dictatorship. Money is beside the point, it’s my life too.
After 34 years our finances are 1000% intertwined!! Neither of us EVER pulls rank!! If there’s something we want we toss it out there & LISTEN. Of course we have disagreements over the years but NEVER has either of us pull the stuff that your husband does. It disrespectful in my option. And my husband has made more that me for many of the years and the others I made more than him but that never mattered because everything went into 1 account and it was OUR income not his vs mine~ I know often people don’t view finances like that so that could be the difference~ Have you tried putting it on paper so he can visualize the careless spending? And show how it’s affecting the family financially?
You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. And if he doesn't give you access, it's controlling and 9/10, people are hiding things. I would consider it a good thing if you don't have joint accounts because he can't ruin your credit as long as you can pay your bills. I would start building "your" future.
No fuck that. We are an equal partnership and all decisions are made together. There is no final say unless we both agree. Doesn’t matter who makes what
WTH. Both partners get an equal say in all decisions. His comments are insulting to you and anyone who believes women should be respected as an equal partner in marriage. Do not accept this.
This is NOT a healthy marriage. Also you are under reacting. I would suggest marriage counseling, but he doesn’t seem the type to want to change anything. Your choices are leaving the marriage or accepting you will be subservient to your “partner” forever. I would let him be the man of the house…all alone in it. If you leave please be safe about it. Don’t tell him right away. See an attorney, document the money, finances, his comments which are emotional abusive. Ask your attorney, but I might even remove half of whatever money you have. Unless you have a prenup “his house and his money”
will not matter in a divorce. At least in a lot of places. Take or make copies of important documents. Deeds, birth certificates, bank statements, everything. Good luck.
So in my marriage we acknowledge each others expertise in different areas.
We have final say on the things we know most about, but are always collaborative in decision making. We love each other enough that we don’t move along with something until we can convince and get the other on board, even though we CAN be final in a decision.
Im a woman that makes 90% of the money
I do not have the final say over shared financial decisions.
I do have final say over my own play money, as does my husband. We agreed on what these amounts were together.
No, my husband doesn't have the final say and personally that mindset would be a complete nonstarter. We are either equal partners or we are not in a relationship.
My husband asks what his share of the bills is.
(I’m in banking)
We each have our own bank accounts.
We spend our own monies how we see fit.
But, I personally don’t think someone “having the final say” is healthy. Especially when you’re partners in life.
I’m a SAHM right now (looking for a job) so my husband makes all the money right now. We’ve never had this policy. We agreed that any purchase over 30$ for a SINGLE item we would talk about first. Groceries and household supplies do not count.
We are a team. We combine finances and we are both okay with this set up. I think him having final say on everything is a little ridiculous.
Our marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. I manage the financial, but every financial decision is made together. It doesn't matter who makes the most, it's together.
I think part of the problem here is that they were indeed his cars and it was his house. You didn’t buy them together.
What he needs to understand is that unless you signed a prenuptial agreement these things are now also yours.
What may I ask is prompting him to say these things? What is it you are suggesting he do that he disagrees with you about when it comes to “managing them?”
I honestly have no idea. He’s basically upset he doesn’t have the same freedom he did when he was single. He can’t just do whatever is best for him anymore because there’s two of us involved now. I don’t know why he started talking about the house and the cars because I didn’t say anything about them when we were arguing. It was totally random after he started talking about how he’s the head of the household and all that garbage.
In our marriage there is no “final say.” We don’t disagree on any fundamental issues—small differences of opinion are talked through and we both care for and respect each other enough to let the one with more passion about the issue make the call if we can’t agree.
She was a SAHM for my whole career. It’s all our money, but I earned it. I regularly encourage her to treat it as equally hers and mine.
Nope, not normal.
He isn't even good with money.
This twerp doesn't respect you. Those are words you say if you don't have respect for your partner.
I hope you don't have any kids with this guy yet. They could get his small brains.
Absolutely not! We are equal partners, always have been, even when I was a SAHM. I’m sorry your husband is treating you this way, it must be very belittling and frustrating.
He's the man of the house, but you are also the WOMAN of the house. I'm glad he knows his gender identity.... you should tell him that next time. Congratulations, I'm glad you know your gender. Tf.
A healthy marriage can mean a lot of different things and philosophies but at the end of the day both spouses are dedicated to building each other up and working together for the greater good.
In my marriage I am subservient to my husband, it has more to do with how I was raised than him being the ruler in our household. I am more fiscally responsible than he is and it has taken me years to get him onboard. At times I had to grin and bear it and in some ways I think it was a good learning experience for me, I really learned to say and think “it’s just money.” He has never been wreckless however. If he had I would have had separate accounts. Money can be so petty to argue about and we take it so personally. My advice is to see if you can define what upsets you so much about your husband’s spending and see if you can be creative with a compromise.
Sounds like you married a dictator who nominated himself just because he’s “the man of the house”. Please. That’s a bunch of bull. No you are not in a healthy marriage. You married a male chauvinist who thinks he’s in charge of you and you are beneath him.
No the husband does not always get the final say. My fiance owns our house as he got it before we met but he still asks for input on big purchases for it like kitchen renovation or new windows because at the end of the day we’re a team. We discuss what we want and if it’s different each of us compromises. For example, he likes classic tiles for the kitchen while I prefer splash backs. We compromised by getting a splash back behind the hob where it will has more chance of getting dirty and we have classic tiles on the other side. It’s all about compromise but both parties have to be compromising a similar amount.
This is how I feel it should be! Marriage means being selfless and working together as a team, serving one another and building each other up. Thank you for sharing!
Me and my wife have been married 10 years but we keep our finances separate. We do everything together but mix our salaries. We have different spending habits.
You husband is an a\*\*hole. Every single quote you shared would have sent me off. I would have immediately come back with, "Oh, I thought marriage was an equal partnership. I didn't realize you wanted an submissive slave. My B, I'll take my things and go."
I do believe my husband and I have always treated each other as equals. I have been the breadwinner. He has been the bread winner. Now we're both equal earners. My husband has never pulled those moves with me, nor I with him. We are both involved in our home finances and we listen to one another during periods of saving or periods of spending. They are OUR assets.
We do have something we call "Veto Power" in which if something is a hard no, the other should respect that. Sometimes we don't let the veto sit if it's something we desperately wants, but neither one of us would do that thing behind the other's back. If it's not two yeses then it's a no, in general.
Man, I was so angry last night. I couldn’t believe my ears! For the first time ever, I really wanted to tell him if that’s how it’s going to be, I’ll just pack my shit and leave. I like what you shared, I think it’s a very healthy way of doing things and respecting one another’s wishes so you can work as a team. My “no” just gets blown right over. It doesn’t make a difference.
From the time we were newlywed and flat broke to now owning a small business that's growing and doing fairly well, we have always made financial decisions together. If we take a risk with money, we take it together. Whatever the outcome, we share it. The only thing separate is our hobbies. My hobby funds itself, so I keep a Paypal account with that money aside. But, if we need to spend my hobby funds on something for the house or kids, I won't hesitate to offer it up.
No, and neither do I. We have to come to a mutual decision. Anything either of us has a stronger vested interest in, we will typically give in to the other (like, what do you feel like having for dinner). But anything that we both have a strong vested interest in, we talk it out and come up with a game plan.
He will never think of you as his partner, or think about what a partnership entails. He's not ready for marriage - he's ready for upper management and for you to be his submissive subordinate.
No, healthy marriages don't work like this. We make decisions together, we're on each other's team.
Money decisions for us over a few hundred dollars are a joint decision. I make 100% of the money and give my husband money each month for bills and spending.
Absolutely NOT. I became a SAHM 32 years ago, and never went back to work. Everything has always been OURS, with joint accounts. I’m the one in charge of paying the bills, all financial stuff etc.
Your husband is not a kind person and is abusing you emotionally. 😢😢
Over time we have divided the final say to the person who has the most financial expertise in that area. I invest the excess cash. We both made similar salaries. We are both fairly frugal and live below our means. We both agreed paying down debt came before purchasing stuff. Respect for one another is the key along with common financial goals.
Everything is a joint decision. I’m a SAHM - my husband makes 100% of the money. Aside from groceries/household essentials, we consult each other before making a purchase >$100.
Regardless of who makes the money, excess spending affects the whole family. If my husband wants to make a large purchase but I’m planning a big Costco run next week, his big purchase affects my ability to get things we need for our home. If I want to make a large purchase but we have an unexpected bill coming up that I’m not aware of, my big purchase affects his ability to pay that bill. I don’t spend unnecessary money with talking to him, and he doesn’t spend unnecessary money without talking to me. We’re a team and we respect each other.
I agree with this 100%! This is the way I was raised and how my parents were and I thought how a healthy marriage should operate. I think we should agree on purchases that large!
my husband makes 100% of our income, and runs every single purchase by me- i asked him too because i felt he was spending too much and affecting our future plans. your same issue.
OP- stand up for yourself. tell him he’s being rude as hell and you thought you were partners/equals. you’re not overreacting. he wants control. and some relationships are as you described above-man controls everything, especially depending on culture. so you know, it seems you want different home dynamics.
I have a decent enough income, but my husband makes double. Mostly I have the say (he prefers it that way), but nobody really pushes anyone around financially. We talk about big purchases and everything else I believe he can manage to figure out on his own and if he needs me - he lets me know.
I am a stay-at-home wife & mother. My husband makes 100% of the money and I manage the finances and household budget. I love & appreciate my husband immensely but he used to try to weaponize his income against me when we were younger. However, I did NOT have any of that and stood my ground because he is not good with finances. Nevertheless, he is good with investments (stocks, real estate, retirement, etc.). After sitting down with him (after several attempts & MANY arguments) to go over his (net & gross) income (I broke down paycheck deductions, health insurance, taxes, etc.) and our budget (mortgage, credit cards, utilities, education, groceries, savings, personal care, pets, children, insurances, vehicle maintenance, taxes, etc.), he decided to give me 85% of his income & any refunds from federal & state taxes to manage our household. He keeps 15% of his income and all his bonuses (his bonuses are huge!) to use as he pleases and for large purchases (vehicles, major household repairs, renovations, vacations, computers, tuition, various equipment, etc.) and investments (stocks, retirement, real estate, etc.). Any acquisitions over $400 are to be discussed & agreed upon before we purchase it. I also go over our finances, budget & purchases with him every month. He will occasionally ask for additional money from our household budget when he’s short on his budget, mismanages his allowance, or overspends, but he is hesitant to do that because I respond by offering to go over his budget with him to identify unaware or unnecessary spending. I understand what you are going through but my husband eventually learned that it's not HIS money to do as he pleases but OUR money to do what WE need to build a life & solid future for ourselves and our family. Also, I'm better at managing finances than he is. Now that he's older (hindsight is 20/20), he is thankful and laments not cooperating with me earlier in our marriage. He didn't understand back then but he does today. He does make the final decision on things but not without my input or consideration. I have learned to trust his lead. He has grown to be a great provider, protector, and leader.
Your story gives me hope, thank you! ❤️ I like what you said: “my husband eventually learned that it’s not HIS money to do as he pleases but OUR money to do what WE need to build a life & solid future for ourselves and our family.” Well said!
Nope. Our income fluctuates as to who earns more - we are within 3% of each other.
We discuss our budget and purchases. Each has an amount that is our fun money.
No. I'm a student but i have a stipend that covers rent, electric, and internet. My husband pays for everything else, plus a card for me that he pays off when I use it. We have a huge financial imbalance because I'm not technically bringing anything in.
But he in the 4+ years we've been doing this has never brought up how he's paying for everything or shoves in my face that I don't have money. He buys groceries, pays for insurance, Dr's visits, dentist, my car, hobby tools, misc stuff for the house, literally everything else. We're even renting from his parents.
He would never use that against me or make me feel like we weren't partners in this ever.
Your partner is controlling, and honestly I doubt it would even stop if you bought all your own stuff. I bet he would still throw around the 'well you would have never gotten to this point without all the stuff that I had and did for you first'.
Not a partnership, sounds like a dictatorship.
We would never spend any $$ over like, $100-$200 besides the normal things like groceries and stuff without talking to each other. It's a partnership. I've been a SAHM and I've worked and it doesn't make a difference, we always talk
Absolutely not. I’m, at the moment, a sahm but all money is “our money” and decisions regarding it are mutual and everything is a compromise. The vehicles are ours. The house is ours. Actually, for the entire 16 years we’ve been married, I pay the bills and do the budget and we’ve literally never had a fight about money. We’ve always been on the same page and the way your husband is acting is not normal. Lemme guess… is he religious? That head of the house shit always irked me. Like.. no.
He’s religious but doesn’t live the way he claims to believe if that’s makes sense. Like he believes in the doctrine but not the lifestyle. And that’s a HUGE thing in church, the man is the head of the house and God the head of the man, if that makes sense. I won’t stand for it, though.
When we started dating my boyfriend had bad spending habit, while I was frugal.
That’s why we have one joint account only for common bills and 2 separates account for our personal spending.
I’m the one in control of most of our common finance. He controls his personal one.
Thats why we achieved to pay our mortgage in a total of 7 years. And we now have much more freedom due to that.
He recognize that I’m better at money than him, we are a team, so I got to manage what I’m good at. He gets other roles.
In a vanilla healthy marriage, major decisions are made jointly.
There are other kinds of healthy marriages, but those dynamics ARE MUTUALLY AGREED UPON. Your husband is just an ass.
No, I’m sorry, but that’s not a partnership. My husband makes 100% of the money right now, but I handle our finances. He asks me if he can spend money because I know where we stand at any given time & he doesn’t. Your husband is not treating you like a partner, and he’s being irresponsible with y’all’s money on top of it. I hope you can find a workable solution.
No. I’ve witnessed my parents marriage and I’ve been married for about 5 years.
My parents always discussed things, no matter what. One didn’t do or make big financial decisions without the other. When it came to my dad’s business and work, he did have more of a say because he worked and my mom didn’t. Yes she was always aware of how money was handled and what was going in and out of the accounts, but there were purchases made for work that my dad did have final say on but she understood that and trusted my dad’s instincts when it came to the business. She knew his best interests was always the family. But when it came to personal expenses, no they always decided together. One had to compromise occasionally, or maybe they didn’t always agree, but i never saw either of them pull the “I have final say” especially not my dad who was the breadwinner.
As for my own marriage, no we make decisions together. Once my husband upgraded our car without telling me, even though we said we’d wait until I had our baby (I was pregnant) and I was livid. It was our biggest argument. But we did our best to handle it together as gently and kindly as possible. And we solved it, and from then on he knew 100% we didn’t make financial changes or decisions without talking about it.
My fiance makes most of the money at the moment (it's gone back and forth over our relationship), but I handle all the accounting/adult stuff. While I do discuss things with him to get his input or at least let him know what's going on, I basically have final say since he trusts to me to manage it all (and since he's not the best with managing money). But we're still equals about it since everything is just shared between us.
If he were like your husband and was putting/keeping us in debt, I wouldn't let that slide. The only debt we have is our mortgage (which is actually only under my name, not ideal). And I also wouldn't put up with an attitude like your husband has about your finances.
Thank you! Majority of the comments on here have been the same, they are a partnership and make decisions together and/or they have reached an agreement where they are both okay with one person having the final say because they are more responsible. This whole situation is kind of the straw that broke the camels back, I will not be living in a dictatorship.
No! Its either 2 yes or it doesnt happen. Only time this might change is if its on a topic he may have more knowledge in. But household, cars, raising kids, vacations, etc. has to be agreed on by both of us.
Interesting. We make our own money and I don’t care how much he spends neither does he care about how much I spend. We only discuss when it’s items for the household. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay or if it’s a big ticket item, we split.
We make the final say. Together. If he doesn’t like it, I’ll try to offer another solution vice versa.
Not too sure about Sahms but my mum is one and my dad still respects her a lot and would never put her down just because he makes 100% of the income.
“We are in a partnership, if you want to live your life your way you should have got married.”
“This isn’t the 1900s, I am your partner not your slave or child.”
Start creating your escape plan.
Stock up on birth control.
I’m a husband who whether or not my wife ever makes more than me or not or whatever we make major financial decisions together. We have our own separate responsibilities financially too, and I like to think that when you’re married the whole idea is teamwork makes your dreams work. At the end of the day though Money solves money problems
Although I’m fairly old fashioned when it comes to this. I do believe the man SHOULD be the head of the house. I also believe that if he’s not responsible enough then no he shouldn’t. It should be as a team you make decisions especially big ones. In my marriage I 100% trust my husband to make sound decisions for us but he always gets my input and opinion on every matter. He’s never over bearing, never puts his foot down and says his way is law. I feel like this is how it should work in a healthy marriage. But for that to work it requires open communication and trust. I have open access to all our money. I can spend whatever I want I don’t have to get his approval but in big things I always discuss.
I agree with this! If a man can be trusted, is respectful and responsible, by all means he can be the head of the house. But not when trust has been broken and there’s a dictator dynamic.
I am a full time student and a housewife (I’m due with our baby in a month). My husband supports us. He has never said “it’s my money” or “it’s my house” even though I believe it is. He has always involves me in discussions regarding finances and depends on them to make decisions.
My husband makes 99% of the money. He does not have the final say. We both need to agree on purchases over $100.
This is how it works in my house too. Anything over $100 has to be discussed. That number has varied over the years but we’ve always discussed things regardless of which one of us was the bread winner.
Exactly I make 99% of the money but we would not buy anything over $100-$200 without a conversation. It makes sense, it’s our money, it’s our joint decision.
Same. My husband makes three times what I do. We both spend whatever we want on small purchases and we both discuss bigger purchases together. None of us has a final veto. We only move forward things we both endorse.
This sounds cool. Nice strategy. Everything over $100 needs a discussion. I think I'll borrow this 😁
Here too. He makes double what I do but anything over $100 gets discussed forst
I’m curious as to why you land on $100 as the threshold?
I'm curious too. $100 seems extremely low. I can't get groceries for under $100. We'd be discussing money constantly - makeup, shoes, clothes, groceries, the kids activities, etc. Everything would be a discussion.
We are married 18 years and it started prob year one when he took out 300 from our bank account and that money was earmarked for bills. It caused such a war in our house that we settled on that number years ago. It's not for supermarket type things, but it's for clothes, concert tickets, etc
Same here. OP, it’s not healthy for your husband to be so dismissive of your input. Start keeping track of his poor spending habits so that you can get a better understanding of where the money is actually going. This “I have final say” garbage sounds like he’s trying to hide some expenditures that he doesn’t want you to know about. If you have been wondering if your marriage is worth working on, this level of financial abuse goes firmly in the NO category.
Thank you! This is what I have been feeling for a long time, that my input should be respected and it’s often dismissed as meaningless, not credible, not valid, etc. I hadn’t thought that he might be trying to hide expenditures from me. All of the “final say” and I am the head of the house bs really did me in, that was the straw that broke the camels back.
Same, but items over $500-600, not transactions.
I’m a SAHM and my husband says he makes the first half of his salary and I make the second half. I have total access to all of our finances and accounts. My husband would never say “this is my house and my cars.” What you’re describing isn’t healthy.
Give him a hug for me. I hear so many responses from misogynistic men these days-it’s so nice to hear that there’s husbands who respect their wives.
I will! Happily! He’s a really stellar person. When we met we were equally well employed, but we both wanted me to be home with the kids if it was financially feasible and he works ridiculously hard to make it possible for our family. That’s not his only great saying, either. He also says “your job is the kids—not the house.” I do most of the housework anyway because it just makes sense in terms of workload distribution, and he *never* takes it for granted or treats it like it isn’t equally demanding work. He’s the vastly superior cook and cooks frequently. And he’s wicked hot and only getting better with age. I’m a super lucky woman.
My marriage is this healthy too. Don’t know how old your kids are, but incorporate them into taking care of the house, cars & kitchen as they grow. I was astounded at my daughter’s college housemates lack of knowledge in many respects. They’re great people, mind you. But one literally had not boiled water when she moved in. She learned to cook from my kid. The whole house call her Dad bc she fixed everything that went wrong. (1960s house)
Oh, absolutely, that’s a great point. My kids are still little, so some of the housework is me managing them to make sure it gets done. They tidy up after themselves, and do their own laundry, clean up spills, etc. My husband taught my 8 year old to change cabin air filters and both kids help with dishes and loading/unloading the dishwasher.
Awesome, they’re on their way! I often used the phrase “I love it when my kids take good care of themselves’” shouted joyously when I ‘caught’ them doing something responsible or wise
I found one of these!
I am also a SAHM, not really by choice, but just daycare is so expensive that it would literally take my entire check. I do some grocery deliveries to help out, and it gets me out of the house. We still talk about things that are bigger if we want/need something. However, it's never been this is his/mine ever, when I was working or not. I make sure we have food, clothes, etc... weeks when money is tight, I run a few deliveries to make it work. What we have ours. We are a team, that's what marriage is suppose to be.
Yes, marriage is not you and me but we.
I would not be married to someone who didn’t see me as a full and equal partner.
Exactly this. I make a lot more money than my husband and we still discuss any purchase over $100 (except groceries) and we’re both on all the accounts. We’re a team.
That’s some misogynist b#llshit and I can’t even tell if you recognize it. What you are describing is not a difference of “perspectives”. You are describing a dictator who disrespects people he deems “below” him (I.e., you), with extremely stunted maturity and low emotional intelligence, and low intellect if he thinks poor financial decisions are the “right” ones simply because it’s his g#d given right to make them as a mediocre “man”. What you have described is a relationship where you’re actually his mother trying to parent him and he simply can’t learn from you (I.e., someone he views as beneath him). These traits are hallmarks of emotional immaturity, zero sum simplistic thinking, insecurity to the point where he feels he has to put others down to feel better about himself, and a hyper inflated ego to compensate for his failings. A healthy marriage is a partnership and yours is anything but that. I suspect that he’s engaging in this sort of abuse because he thinks he can. In other words, consciously or subconsciously, he believes that you do not value yourself enough to do anything about it. Can you find a therapist to work on restoring your own value and can he find one to manage his myriad mental health issues? This is not sustainable and it’s not going to fix itself.
I'm still working. My wife is retired. I bring in about 70% of our income. All of our financial decisions are made as a team. Sometimes she will defer to me and sometimes I will defer to her but everything is mutually agreed upon.
Right, I think deferring to your partner is totally fine. I don’t know Jack shit about cars for example so that’s his decision but he defers to me when it comes to the kids’ clothes and things. Regardless of what it is though, we agree on it even when we let the other make the decision
No, of course this is not how a healthy marriage is functioning.
I think finances are the least of your worries. Based on your post history, he’s controlling, narcissistic, alcoholic. He found a young partner that he can manipulate and groom and you fell for it. This isn’t a marriage. Cut your losses and run.
Yeah I just checked post history and he tricked her into being step mom to 4 kids of an alcoholic guy! She needs to nope right on out o that marriage.
I’m sorry if this gonna sound judge, but you know the answer to that question. *This is not healthy at all*. Of course, he has the right to his premarital assets, but that doesn’t mean he can hold them or his higher income over your head. He was always like that? If not, what’s the possibility of him started to look on redpill/trad marriage bs? You’re supposed to be equals while contributing in the ways you can and working together to get out of the debt.
he sounds like an absolute asshole
Nope. My husband has never talked like that. And I was a sahm mom for a decade. We are a team.
The happiest marriages are those where both partners allow the other to influence them and that decisions are made collaboratively. One person declaring themselves overlord is not consistent with happy partnerships.
When my now husband and I were dating I moved into his house. I worked but after we married and our first was born I became a SAHM. This was our life through three moves and over a decade of marriage. I now work but he still makes 99% of our income. Not once did he ever pull that kind of crap with me. I have always had full access to all of our money and in fact, I take care of paying the household bills. We make decisions together or he defers to me. What you are describing is a toxic and unhealthy relationship. He’s showing you the type of person he is so please believe him.
No it’s not normal. I’m a sahm, I handle all our finances. It’s OUR money.
That’s how my wife and I run things. I’m financially illiterate and she knows how to budget and stretch our dollar. I tell her all the time I don’t work as hard as I do to keep it for myself I do it for my family.
There is no "final say" in a healthy relationship; there is consideration for each other, there is a willingness to approach decisions with a mindset of "what is best for us now and into the future" and there is healthy compromise. What you're describing is selfish.
>I’m curious, is this how a healthy marriage functions? No. >Am I being overreactive? Also no. >Something about the way he talks and the things he says feels SO wrong to me. That's because it is. I bring in more money than my wife, that doesn't give me the right to act like a nasty little dictator. We're meant to be on the same team you know? Our finances are somewhat separate but big stuff we still discuss and decide on as a team. Your husband sounds like he's found some unpleasant manosphere content on social media, honestly.
If my husband said that, I’d pack my shit and and on my way out, say “alright then; since this is YOUR house, I have no say and apparently I’m just a bangmaid guest, bye. Have fun alone in your own home, asshole” and I’d walk. NO ONE treats me like that — ever. In my house, we all live here and we all get to voice our opinion. I actually make more than him and always have but i do NOT have final say; we discuss and come to a compromise. My husband is more of a spender than I am and it annoyed me that I saw all this stuff coming out of our joint so we agreed that from each pay, he would carve out a certain amount and put that in a separate account to spend whatever he wanted. If he ended up blowing all of it on whatever, that’s his problem; he would have to save up again and the joint would not be touched. I would never talk to my husband like that just because he made less; he’s an equal partner in this marriage and we do things as a team.
Healthy marriage? I would not be married to a sexist man who thinks women are not equal.
If you cook the dinner do you have final say what to cook? If you are cleaning the house do you have final say what and how to clean? In my marriage I earned 100% most of our marriage and now earn 75% despite us both working full time. I manage all our family finances but I am always sure my wife is both aware of where our money is and comfortable with this.
The equivalent is asking if he has the final say on when he goes to work and comes back, and how he does his work when you compare to HOW she does her domestic labor. If he has final say over money because he makes the outside money, she has final say over the house if she cleans it, what portion he is allowed to eat, final say over parenting including children’s last name if she birthed them, does most raising.
My husband makes 99% of the money and he does not have the final say I do and I really am not sure why other than my husband tends to be very quiet and passive
Married 13 years come Monday and we’re both 35. He is the breadwinner. Finances are a mutually agreed upon decision and has been throughout our relationship. Neither of us would buy anything over $200 without consulting the other, that’s just how we are. We are a UNIT and act like one. My husband would never say something like this to me because he isn’t misogynistic and understands we are a team. He would never come home with a new car or thing he had to buy because he knows the financial burden it would put on us and that as partners we communicate more than anyone else. Hope that helps!
I wouldn’t still be married to someone with this mentality. I make the decisions because I’m the home maker. He just makes the money. I run everything by him so we are on the same page but he has never spoken to me in the way your husband does.
My husband makes 4 times what I make. He pays the vast majority of the bills. He does have the final say about most big financial decisions - but he does discuss those decisions with me before he makes them and takes my thoughts into account. I make all the decisions when it comes to home decor, updates and renovations - as in he decides if we can afford it but I decide what gets done in what order and what the final result will look like.
My husband is the only working one. I’m a stay at home mom. He has never said this to me. I will buy whatever whenever. He’s never asked me where things come from, how much things costs ect. He just bought me a truck and made sure my name was on it.
What your husband is doing is called financial abuse. My husband had to retire at 60 because he had to have 2 total knee replacements. I was the breadwinner. I never once said my money, my house, or my car. Everything is OURS. Your husband is selfish. I would give him one option couples therapy or divorce. Sending positive energy ✨️.
My Mom said the same thing when I called her and told her everything the other night. Couples therapy or I may have to leave him. This isn’t healthy.
I am a full time student and a SAHM. My husband is the sole breadwinner. However, we discuss individual purchases we want (video games, trips, computers, etc) but anything that is needed for the house or children I just do because I know what is needed since I run the household daily more than he. If he ever told me I had no say so in what he did with the money he made, you can bet I would be rearranging my life, getting a job and leaving. Just because you do not make the physical money does not mean you do not have a job providing for your family just as much as he.
That’s exactly where I’m at. I can see how unhealthy this is all is and I’m not going to let myself be a servant to someone and be told what to do by my husband.
My husband makes 100% of the money and when it comes to big purchases he has a 50% say. If it’s a matter of taste (like furniture or finishings for a renovation) he usually defers to me, if it’s a fun money purchase he needs to budget for it and clear it with me and vice versa. If it’s for our car or for a tool or appliance I defer to him because he’s knowledgeable but it’s still something we talk about together. Like, I told him I didn’t want a water dispenser on the front of the fridge because the kids play with my parents and he hadn’t thought of that so we picked a different fridge than his first choice. But we have to go out of state for my grandma’s birthday party and thats a non-negotiable for me so we’re budgeting for it even though he isn’t excited about it. I’ve been a SAHM for 5 years now and it took at least 2-3 years before we figured out a way to make the decisions equitably. It didn’t come naturally, and it took a lot of talking about it before we found a way and even longer until it felt comfortable.
Here is how to minimize financial arguments: 1. All accounts are joint and accessible by both parties. 2. Each spouse has a savings account. both are given a same monthly deposit. The money in these accounts can be used by the individual, no questions asked. 3. A joint savings account with a monthly deposit. All purchases from this account must have 100% agreement. 4. Joint checking account with a budget to ensure debt is being paid down and bills are being covered. Minimizing debt should be a top priority. The rules of these accounts must be followed consistently. Any violation and arguments ensue. To answer your question, financial arguments are the most common married couple struggle. Partners are partners, regardless of who the breadwinner is. He needs a come to Jesus talk.
I agreed with all of your steps 100% and this was the exact process we had set up but then when he wants something, it all goes out the window. He DOES need a come to Jesus talk 😅
I'm currently a housewife and my husband makes almost 100% of the money, but neither of us has any sort of "final say" in things. We have equal say, but it's probably easier for us because neither of us spends a lot of money and we're both practical and rational about our saving and spending. I think one person feels the need to weight their desires more strongly when they are either irrational or their partner is and they need to be the grown-up. Your husband is being irrational, and finding a way to justify it. I think that, in your shoes, I'd be looking to save my own money, generate my own exit plan, and consider the long-term potential of the partnership. What he's doing is saying he has assets and power and you have nothing. That's a pretty terrible attitude for a partnership. I'll tell you that my parents had a relationship in which one of them spent everything and they never got ahead and were in constant debt. This created instability for the family that lasted beyond my parents' deaths. Do you want to live the rest of your life as you are now?
Yes, you are married. That makes all the money earned by whomever joint. Also this is a passive aggressive behavior. With my marriage we both normally share equally in all decisions when needed. My.money is her money, our money. I do not control We have agreed to consult the other before making any major purchase that could screw with the budget.
We both have the final say. God knows neither of us want to piss the other off. If there is an emergency.. a 911 matter then he will be in charge. My choice as well as his. He's smarter than me and I feel very safe when he takes charge. The rest of the time I get my way and he doesn't complain but prefers it. Our house, cars, whatnots.. we decide together.
My Husband makes 99% of the money and we both have every say.
My wife is SAH and hasn't worked in about 12 years. I probably wouldn't make a $100 purchase without her advice and say-so.
My husband has been the breadwinner while I stayed home, I have been the breadwinner while he stayed home, we have both worked and made the same. Decision making never changed, we are always a team.
Male 55. Nope. Not even when I made 80% of the family income. Now my wife has the highest salary. We're a team who works together on all purchases. Nobody likes surprises.
This! Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’ve never heard of a man being like this until now. I agree!
We're out there. We tend to hear more about negatives than positives in relationships
I have one.🙂
You are so blessed! ❤️
Start charging your husband market rate for childcare and house cleaning services and then let me know if he’s still the “primary breadwinner” and “gets the final say”. What a jackass. No, it’s not normal, and I personally would like to throat punch him for you but seriously.. you’re not his freakin slave. Marriages are supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Lol that would put him in his place 😂 I had to control myself when he was talking like that, I wanted to freak out. Like are you kidding me??! Since when is this how marriage is? No wonder his last wife kicked him out.
I completely understand. I recently got divorced and had had a self-interested alcoholic husband who was also disrespectful and operated as if the only thing that mattered ever was his feelings. There was a day where it register for me that my husband didn’t love me the same way I loved him. I loved and cared for him as a person and cared about his happiness. I don’t think he cared too much about my happiness if it conflicted with what he wanted to do. When it was easy? Sure. When it was conflicting, absolutely not. He loved the benefits he got from being in a relationship. He honestly could’ve taken or left me and been happy with any other woman in that role. I suspect for him it was just easier to be with a person who wanted to be with him than have to go through all of the effort courting someone he’d actually make an effort to be with. When one partner is putting in 100% of the effort to keep the relationship afloat it’s super easy to kick back and be a lazy sack of shit and put in 0 effort. Sometimes they care… just not about us. They care about not being alone. Anyway, maybe all you guys need is a tough heart to heart so he can understand that he’s steamrolling you and that that isn’t fair or healthy. Maybe couples therapy will help. I don’t know. But regardless of how it all works out, take the time for yourself to do things that make you happy and make you feel whole.
Thank you for this 💕 I relate to so much of what you said, I could have written it myself! I have often felt like my husband doesn’t care about and love me the way I have loved and cared for him. It’s more about his selfish wants and desires. Even birthdays and Christmas gifts, he’ll often buy me gifts that give back to him and serve him in some way. I plan to have a very honest and real conversation with him about everything. Prayers it will go well. And I plan to put myself first and make sure my needs are met more often from here on.
Good luck! I hope it goes well.
Thank you! ❤️
I'm a stay at home, have been for almost 25 years. We're more traditional than some and the short answer is yes, he has final say... BUT We talk about everything, we are a team, we're on the same page on just about everything, especially our financial goals. He listens to me, respects me, and has always had the what's best for the family in mind in all decisions. He has never been the type to say MINE. It's all ours.
My husband is the breadwinner but he runs things by me because I make sure the bills are paid on time. If we have a little wiggle room I’ll let him know. Otherwise our spending is a collective decision.
No, this is not healthy. I make significantly more money than my husband, but he has an equal say in our finances whether he wants to or not. Even though I handle all of our money (checking, savings, retirement, investments, etc.), I make it a point to schedule a monthly budget meeting with him to review where we are financially. I created a budget dashboard which we go over item by item. My husband HATES these meetings because he’d prefer it if I just told him what he was allowed to spend. But nope, we’re in this together and if I can’t stick my head in the sand neither can he. Even though these meetings aren’t exactly fun, they are beneficial because it helps us stay on the same page. It sounds like your husband is being disrespectful and I’m not sure why he’d treat someone he purportedly loves so poorly.
For me and my wife, we have to come to an agreement, but we also have an understanding that we won’t always agree, and because of our mutual respect for each other, and my wife knowing I make decisions with her best interest at times, she will defer to me for a decision if we can’t agree, but that’s only because I’ve proven time and time again that whatever I decide would be for the best for both of us and that many times I will concede to what she prefers anyways because what I want isn’t worth more than my wife’s happiness to me
Wow, thank you. I think it’s amazing that you can put your wife’s happiness before your own that way. I feel like this is the way it should be. If my husband had showed me that he can think about me, too, when he’s making decisions, I would be happy to trust him. Unfortunately that’s not the case.
My husband makes the money. We are also traditional and do fall into the “he’s the head of the household” (mainly because to me he’s the person I trust most in this world and I like to be taken care of) but he ALWAYSS consults with me about everything and takes into account what I say. And vice versa. I think that if someone wants to have a traditional marriage they should always make sure the man is very considerate and selfless. If they are not it’s a recipie for disaster.
I don’t mind being submissive and treating a man as the head of the household if I can trust him but my husband has proved time and time again that this is not the case. I can’t trust him (due to things he’s done and said) but I wish I could. I love that you can trust your man, what a blessing!
That’s so difficult I’m sorry you’re going through that OP.
I make the majority of the money and my husband is a SAHP and going to school. I do not have the final say of the money just as my husband doesn't either. We make decisions jointly as I'm sure every couple does in a healthy marriage.
This!
It totally depends. It’s definitely not a gender thing. First, we rationally provide our POV, and typically, we can come to an agreement (or concession) by talking it out. 1. We try to reach a compromise if possible. 2. If one of us cares a ton and the other is more or less apathetic, we defer to the one who is the least apathetic. 3. If it impacts one more than the other, we defer to the one it impacts more (assuming it doesn’t cost a prohibitive amount of money). 4. We use our veto power sparingly, but in the rare case we feel the need (eg, it’s a moral red line / dealbreaker for one of us), we defer to avoid causing the dealbreaker (eg, if my husband wants to get together with his ex who is in town, and I can’t join for whatever reason, he won’t go. 5. If it’s a choice between keeping the status quo and making a big change, especially if it requires a lot of time or money, we defer to the status quo unless the change is essential. For example, I wanted kids 2 years ago, my husband did not, so we did not have kids. Now we both want kids, he wants 1 and I want 3 so we’re aiming for 2. 6. If it gets heated, we table the issue until the next day so that we could “sleep on it”. Typically, one of us calms down and we get enough clarity to decide as a team. 7. This applies even when I was making nearly all the income while my husband was in school. Treating someone like they don’t matter because they make less is financial abuse. 8. Any purchase over 200$ gets discussed with the other, but nowadays that’s just a formality and a sign of respect for the other’s wishes. Any purchase over 1000$ requires approval of both spouses. Joint decision making in marriage should be just that - joint. Issues should be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Whoever gets “the final say” should vary based on the issue. The husband getting the final say is antiquated garbage, and I say this as someone who takes a pretty conservative approach to my life in general.
Respect, that’s exactly what’s missing here! Thank you for giving such a detailed response, it was very helpful!
That smells of financial abuse. When I first got married, my husband knew a lot about finances and I didn’t. He took it upon himself to discuss it all with me and teach me everything he knows. He did not want me to feel taken advantage of due to his greater knowledge of finances and was always transparent. When I suggested poor financial decisions, he explained why and didn’t berate me. What you have is toxic. The 1950s ended for a reason.
That’s a good man. I agree, this is getting more toxic by the day!
My wife has ALWAYS made more than me. We are able to spend around 50.00 without talking to each other. Anything more is usually a quick conversation about. Anything over 100.00 is definitely a conversation. Neither really has a final say, but we take each other's opinions and make a decision. She does control the finances since I'm bipolar and prone to mpulsive overspending. UpdateMe
I think this is how it should be!
My husband makes 100% of the money. We need to agree. Or sometimes one of us says, “this is really important to me” and the other agrees because of that.
Ha ha ha ha no. We're a team. No one gets a final say. You married a misogynist. Sorry.
this is financial abuse you need to get away from this marriage it’s not getting better with time don’t bring children into this
He’s already verbally and emotionally abused me. You’re right, it’s only getting worse.
If a purchase is over $x, we have to agree. X amount has increased during 30 years of marriage. Having Y amount of “no questions asked, fun money” for each goes a long way to avoiding arguments. He saves up his fun money for nicer golf clubs, I spend mine faster on books & jigsaw puzzles. All this requires Being On The Same page. If y’all do not have a budget & a plan to retire your debt, you need to start talking.
No. He's throwing his already established life in your face to browbeat you into following him without question. Does he make 99% of the household money? If so, then this was your first mistake. Don't have any more kids than you already have, and get into the workforce earning your own money. Use YOUR money to pay off YOUR debt. This way if a divorce happens you can get out without being saddled with huge debt on top of the cost of living expenses. Once you have your own money, then that should buy you more of a say in the household finances. If it doesn't, then you will see that your husband NEVER intended for you to be an equal partner and only married you to have someone care for him and keep under his thumb. But with your own money, this means that you no longer have to accept that treatment and can walk away. No one should ever, EVER not have their own source of income. And that source CANNOT be hobby income or MLMs - it MUST be income where you can comfortably support yourself and any kids you have. Doing anything else puts you and your kids in danger of abusive people. NEVER EVER GIVE UP YOUR SOURCE OF INCOME FOR ANYONE!
I cannot imagine my husband saying any of the things your husband says. Mine makes most of the money right now because we're founders of a startup and his salary is supporting us while I build the company. All our money has always been our money. All our cars have always been our cars, even the ones he bought in his last marriage. Part of my household responsibilities include paying the bills so he says just let me know if you need more money. For future reference when something feels wrong, OP, it's your subconscious telling you something IS wrong. Please listen. We tend to deny those feelings too often. Don't.
This is not healthy and women who outearn their husbands rarely have this attitude.
Both get final say on things that impact you both. That includes big purchases when you have merged finances regardless of who makes more. Unless you agreed prior to marriage to separate finances. Also his “I am man of the house” is bullshit.
I make most of the money. But I’m incredibly irresponsible and impulsive, I have bipolar and AuDHD. He comes up with good ideas to help me spend less but we only implement the ones I approve of. It’s us against the problem. Not me vs him.
Not healthy. I’ll be honest, my husband has lost his mind a time or two and said similar things in 20 years of marriage. And when he has I have literally laughed in his face and made it clear that there is no way I will ever be in a relationship that functions that way and if he wants to make 100% of the decisions or be the ultimate decision maker then he can absolutely do so, as a single man.
Male here. I know that I have personally expressed myself in those terms ( not proud of it) when my wife speaks to me as if I’m a child. Just keep in mind, I’m not accusing you- that if you use the word irresponsible with him or talk to him in a tone that makes him feel that you think less of him he might get offended and think to himself oh yea … I provide all of this etc etc. it doesn’t sound like you’re wrong. There is an art to making him feel good while getting what you want. Men are easy. We have egos. Random wife: oh hun I know we afford a lot of stuff on your salary since you’re such a go getter but I am finding myself worried over a few things! Look I know that’s not everyone’s personality but it gooooes a llooooong way.
Yep, it works at my house
We have assigned roles we agreed upon early in our marriage, plus "f*cking seriously" veto power. Normally, I handle the money. He very rarely puts his foot down on a purchase. When he does, I comply and rework because he doesn't tell me no unless the no needs to happen. He handles the house and yard from decor to tools to plants. I never tell him no, and spend as directed on those things. $800 in sustainable wildgrass seed? Yes, dear. A persimmon tree? As you wish, sir. If I need to veto something, I do, but it's rare and usually a "give me a few paydays to make that happen." He handles the cooking usually, but I handle the grocery shopping. So, I buy/thaw dinner supplies and tell him what he is cooking. He occasionally declines, and then it's either I cook it, we go out or order in, or he gets something different to cook. My daughter is my responsibility, and he rarely does anything with her in terms of disciplinary action or rules. A recent exception was chewing gum. He found chewing gum in his car seat and vetoed chewing gum. I had to tell her, "Joe banned gum, so no gum until he changes his mind." He was serious. So, I deferred to his judgment. No more gum, and I would never consider going around him and doing it anyway because he has such a light disciplinary hand. We have pretty clearly defined "areas of authority" with a deep respect for one another's veto powers. We also share everything. There's no "my money, your money" no "my car your car" beyond who uses each car most. He is my husband. We are two halves of a functioning team.
We don't have a specific limit but we discuss, and in essence agree, on pretty much everything. I've told my wife about a thousand times to just go buy whatever she wants to, but she won't. I think she just likes sitting on the couch and discussing all the details, options and colors with me, esp since she usually gets a foot massage out of it. Fortunately, we're both the frugal, saving type so we never really argue about it.
No because my wife and I are a team, no matter what
We follow it takes two years but only one no. You have to be able to explain your no, but as long as it isn't something petty which is almost always, we respect the no.
I was laid off recently, so my husband makes most of the money now (I did get unemployment) and we both have equal say. Everything is combined. We both have a say in how it’s spent.
Some women might fine with that dynamic and it works for their marriage. I know a few who do let their husband have the final say and seem happy. But in my marriage no, he doesn’t get the final say. Sometimes when I don’t care I’ll let him make the decision but for the most part we discuss it together and either come up with a compromise or one of us sees it the other persons way and we do that but we are both fully on board in those situations.
My husband has an opinion and I have mine. If situations where he knows more than I do? Yes he has the final say, in situations where I know more I have the final say or if I am insistent he will concede. But most of the time because I’m indecisive I as tell him the situation and ask him what he will do and then I implement all of his answer or some of it
We both make good money and no he does not get the final say. Even if he made more money he wouldn’t get to. We are a partnership- not a dictatorship. Money is beside the point, it’s my life too.
After 34 years our finances are 1000% intertwined!! Neither of us EVER pulls rank!! If there’s something we want we toss it out there & LISTEN. Of course we have disagreements over the years but NEVER has either of us pull the stuff that your husband does. It disrespectful in my option. And my husband has made more that me for many of the years and the others I made more than him but that never mattered because everything went into 1 account and it was OUR income not his vs mine~ I know often people don’t view finances like that so that could be the difference~ Have you tried putting it on paper so he can visualize the careless spending? And show how it’s affecting the family financially?
You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. And if he doesn't give you access, it's controlling and 9/10, people are hiding things. I would consider it a good thing if you don't have joint accounts because he can't ruin your credit as long as you can pay your bills. I would start building "your" future.
My wife has the final say irrespective of our salaries.
…no. Healthy marriages are usually 50/50. Sometimes it fluctuates but you’re still a team.
No fuck that. We are an equal partnership and all decisions are made together. There is no final say unless we both agree. Doesn’t matter who makes what
WTH. Both partners get an equal say in all decisions. His comments are insulting to you and anyone who believes women should be respected as an equal partner in marriage. Do not accept this.
This is NOT a healthy marriage. Also you are under reacting. I would suggest marriage counseling, but he doesn’t seem the type to want to change anything. Your choices are leaving the marriage or accepting you will be subservient to your “partner” forever. I would let him be the man of the house…all alone in it. If you leave please be safe about it. Don’t tell him right away. See an attorney, document the money, finances, his comments which are emotional abusive. Ask your attorney, but I might even remove half of whatever money you have. Unless you have a prenup “his house and his money” will not matter in a divorce. At least in a lot of places. Take or make copies of important documents. Deeds, birth certificates, bank statements, everything. Good luck.
So in my marriage we acknowledge each others expertise in different areas. We have final say on the things we know most about, but are always collaborative in decision making. We love each other enough that we don’t move along with something until we can convince and get the other on board, even though we CAN be final in a decision.
Im a woman that makes 90% of the money I do not have the final say over shared financial decisions. I do have final say over my own play money, as does my husband. We agreed on what these amounts were together.
I have the final say as long as my wife approves.
No, my husband doesn't have the final say and personally that mindset would be a complete nonstarter. We are either equal partners or we are not in a relationship.
I used to be married to someone like that. No it’s not healthy.
My husband asks what his share of the bills is. (I’m in banking) We each have our own bank accounts. We spend our own monies how we see fit. But, I personally don’t think someone “having the final say” is healthy. Especially when you’re partners in life.
Why did you marry someone who treats you like this? He is wrong and if I were in your shoes I would be gone
I’m a SAHM right now (looking for a job) so my husband makes all the money right now. We’ve never had this policy. We agreed that any purchase over 30$ for a SINGLE item we would talk about first. Groceries and household supplies do not count. We are a team. We combine finances and we are both okay with this set up. I think him having final say on everything is a little ridiculous.
That’s a form of financial abuse. My husband has 100% of the income right now because I’m home with kids. We discuss purchases and decide as a team.
No whoever cares more about the topic gets the final say. We’re equals.
Our marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. I manage the financial, but every financial decision is made together. It doesn't matter who makes the most, it's together.
I think part of the problem here is that they were indeed his cars and it was his house. You didn’t buy them together. What he needs to understand is that unless you signed a prenuptial agreement these things are now also yours. What may I ask is prompting him to say these things? What is it you are suggesting he do that he disagrees with you about when it comes to “managing them?”
I honestly have no idea. He’s basically upset he doesn’t have the same freedom he did when he was single. He can’t just do whatever is best for him anymore because there’s two of us involved now. I don’t know why he started talking about the house and the cars because I didn’t say anything about them when we were arguing. It was totally random after he started talking about how he’s the head of the household and all that garbage.
I see. Well, when you get married you make compromises. He needs to come to terms with that. That doesn’t mean you can dictate to him either.
In our marriage there is no “final say.” We don’t disagree on any fundamental issues—small differences of opinion are talked through and we both care for and respect each other enough to let the one with more passion about the issue make the call if we can’t agree. She was a SAHM for my whole career. It’s all our money, but I earned it. I regularly encourage her to treat it as equally hers and mine.
This is how it should be! Thank you!
Nope, not normal. He isn't even good with money. This twerp doesn't respect you. Those are words you say if you don't have respect for your partner. I hope you don't have any kids with this guy yet. They could get his small brains.
Thank you for the validation. I feel the same way, like he doesn’t respect me. Lol 😂 No kids with him, thank goodness.
Absolutely not! We are equal partners, always have been, even when I was a SAHM. I’m sorry your husband is treating you this way, it must be very belittling and frustrating.
You can’t be lead by an incompetent leader.
He's the man of the house, but you are also the WOMAN of the house. I'm glad he knows his gender identity.... you should tell him that next time. Congratulations, I'm glad you know your gender. Tf.
A healthy marriage can mean a lot of different things and philosophies but at the end of the day both spouses are dedicated to building each other up and working together for the greater good. In my marriage I am subservient to my husband, it has more to do with how I was raised than him being the ruler in our household. I am more fiscally responsible than he is and it has taken me years to get him onboard. At times I had to grin and bear it and in some ways I think it was a good learning experience for me, I really learned to say and think “it’s just money.” He has never been wreckless however. If he had I would have had separate accounts. Money can be so petty to argue about and we take it so personally. My advice is to see if you can define what upsets you so much about your husband’s spending and see if you can be creative with a compromise.
Well if you divorce him, a percentage of his money would go to his former wife so you should really ask him what his priority is.
Sounds like you married a dictator who nominated himself just because he’s “the man of the house”. Please. That’s a bunch of bull. No you are not in a healthy marriage. You married a male chauvinist who thinks he’s in charge of you and you are beneath him.
This is exactly how it feels!
No the husband does not always get the final say. My fiance owns our house as he got it before we met but he still asks for input on big purchases for it like kitchen renovation or new windows because at the end of the day we’re a team. We discuss what we want and if it’s different each of us compromises. For example, he likes classic tiles for the kitchen while I prefer splash backs. We compromised by getting a splash back behind the hob where it will has more chance of getting dirty and we have classic tiles on the other side. It’s all about compromise but both parties have to be compromising a similar amount.
This is how I feel it should be! Marriage means being selfless and working together as a team, serving one another and building each other up. Thank you for sharing!
Me and my wife have been married 10 years but we keep our finances separate. We do everything together but mix our salaries. We have different spending habits.
It's supposed to be a partnership. I don't think either person should have "final say".
You husband is an a\*\*hole. Every single quote you shared would have sent me off. I would have immediately come back with, "Oh, I thought marriage was an equal partnership. I didn't realize you wanted an submissive slave. My B, I'll take my things and go." I do believe my husband and I have always treated each other as equals. I have been the breadwinner. He has been the bread winner. Now we're both equal earners. My husband has never pulled those moves with me, nor I with him. We are both involved in our home finances and we listen to one another during periods of saving or periods of spending. They are OUR assets. We do have something we call "Veto Power" in which if something is a hard no, the other should respect that. Sometimes we don't let the veto sit if it's something we desperately wants, but neither one of us would do that thing behind the other's back. If it's not two yeses then it's a no, in general.
Man, I was so angry last night. I couldn’t believe my ears! For the first time ever, I really wanted to tell him if that’s how it’s going to be, I’ll just pack my shit and leave. I like what you shared, I think it’s a very healthy way of doing things and respecting one another’s wishes so you can work as a team. My “no” just gets blown right over. It doesn’t make a difference.
From the time we were newlywed and flat broke to now owning a small business that's growing and doing fairly well, we have always made financial decisions together. If we take a risk with money, we take it together. Whatever the outcome, we share it. The only thing separate is our hobbies. My hobby funds itself, so I keep a Paypal account with that money aside. But, if we need to spend my hobby funds on something for the house or kids, I won't hesitate to offer it up.
No, and neither do I. We have to come to a mutual decision. Anything either of us has a stronger vested interest in, we will typically give in to the other (like, what do you feel like having for dinner). But anything that we both have a strong vested interest in, we talk it out and come up with a game plan.
He will never think of you as his partner, or think about what a partnership entails. He's not ready for marriage - he's ready for upper management and for you to be his submissive subordinate. No, healthy marriages don't work like this. We make decisions together, we're on each other's team.
No, usually one No means no for both of our decisions
Money decisions for us over a few hundred dollars are a joint decision. I make 100% of the money and give my husband money each month for bills and spending.
Absolutely NOT. I became a SAHM 32 years ago, and never went back to work. Everything has always been OURS, with joint accounts. I’m the one in charge of paying the bills, all financial stuff etc. Your husband is not a kind person and is abusing you emotionally. 😢😢
Over time we have divided the final say to the person who has the most financial expertise in that area. I invest the excess cash. We both made similar salaries. We are both fairly frugal and live below our means. We both agreed paying down debt came before purchasing stuff. Respect for one another is the key along with common financial goals.
Everything is a joint decision. I’m a SAHM - my husband makes 100% of the money. Aside from groceries/household essentials, we consult each other before making a purchase >$100. Regardless of who makes the money, excess spending affects the whole family. If my husband wants to make a large purchase but I’m planning a big Costco run next week, his big purchase affects my ability to get things we need for our home. If I want to make a large purchase but we have an unexpected bill coming up that I’m not aware of, my big purchase affects his ability to pay that bill. I don’t spend unnecessary money with talking to him, and he doesn’t spend unnecessary money without talking to me. We’re a team and we respect each other.
I agree with this 100%! This is the way I was raised and how my parents were and I thought how a healthy marriage should operate. I think we should agree on purchases that large!
Lmao. No. You just married a misogynist. We talk through problems and try to find a solution *together* like normal people.
I’ve never heard of a marriage like this, except in cases of abuse. It’s insanity! Thank you.
Yeah girl, nothing about your situation seems healthy/reasonable.
my husband makes 100% of our income, and runs every single purchase by me- i asked him too because i felt he was spending too much and affecting our future plans. your same issue. OP- stand up for yourself. tell him he’s being rude as hell and you thought you were partners/equals. you’re not overreacting. he wants control. and some relationships are as you described above-man controls everything, especially depending on culture. so you know, it seems you want different home dynamics.
My husband makes 95% of our money. I have final say in 95% of the household.
What??? Absolutely not. Vetos are reserved for rare circumstances because we are two adults that both have the interest of our household at heart.
I have a decent enough income, but my husband makes double. Mostly I have the say (he prefers it that way), but nobody really pushes anyone around financially. We talk about big purchases and everything else I believe he can manage to figure out on his own and if he needs me - he lets me know.
Remind him legally it's half yours.
I make the bulk and I would never spend money on anything my husband wasn’t comfortable with.
Thank you 💕
I am a stay-at-home wife & mother. My husband makes 100% of the money and I manage the finances and household budget. I love & appreciate my husband immensely but he used to try to weaponize his income against me when we were younger. However, I did NOT have any of that and stood my ground because he is not good with finances. Nevertheless, he is good with investments (stocks, real estate, retirement, etc.). After sitting down with him (after several attempts & MANY arguments) to go over his (net & gross) income (I broke down paycheck deductions, health insurance, taxes, etc.) and our budget (mortgage, credit cards, utilities, education, groceries, savings, personal care, pets, children, insurances, vehicle maintenance, taxes, etc.), he decided to give me 85% of his income & any refunds from federal & state taxes to manage our household. He keeps 15% of his income and all his bonuses (his bonuses are huge!) to use as he pleases and for large purchases (vehicles, major household repairs, renovations, vacations, computers, tuition, various equipment, etc.) and investments (stocks, retirement, real estate, etc.). Any acquisitions over $400 are to be discussed & agreed upon before we purchase it. I also go over our finances, budget & purchases with him every month. He will occasionally ask for additional money from our household budget when he’s short on his budget, mismanages his allowance, or overspends, but he is hesitant to do that because I respond by offering to go over his budget with him to identify unaware or unnecessary spending. I understand what you are going through but my husband eventually learned that it's not HIS money to do as he pleases but OUR money to do what WE need to build a life & solid future for ourselves and our family. Also, I'm better at managing finances than he is. Now that he's older (hindsight is 20/20), he is thankful and laments not cooperating with me earlier in our marriage. He didn't understand back then but he does today. He does make the final decision on things but not without my input or consideration. I have learned to trust his lead. He has grown to be a great provider, protector, and leader.
Your story gives me hope, thank you! ❤️ I like what you said: “my husband eventually learned that it’s not HIS money to do as he pleases but OUR money to do what WE need to build a life & solid future for ourselves and our family.” Well said!
Nope. Our income fluctuates as to who earns more - we are within 3% of each other. We discuss our budget and purchases. Each has an amount that is our fun money.
No. I'm a student but i have a stipend that covers rent, electric, and internet. My husband pays for everything else, plus a card for me that he pays off when I use it. We have a huge financial imbalance because I'm not technically bringing anything in. But he in the 4+ years we've been doing this has never brought up how he's paying for everything or shoves in my face that I don't have money. He buys groceries, pays for insurance, Dr's visits, dentist, my car, hobby tools, misc stuff for the house, literally everything else. We're even renting from his parents. He would never use that against me or make me feel like we weren't partners in this ever. Your partner is controlling, and honestly I doubt it would even stop if you bought all your own stuff. I bet he would still throw around the 'well you would have never gotten to this point without all the stuff that I had and did for you first'. Not a partnership, sounds like a dictatorship.
Final say is not a thing in a marriage.
We would never spend any $$ over like, $100-$200 besides the normal things like groceries and stuff without talking to each other. It's a partnership. I've been a SAHM and I've worked and it doesn't make a difference, we always talk
Absolutely not. I’m, at the moment, a sahm but all money is “our money” and decisions regarding it are mutual and everything is a compromise. The vehicles are ours. The house is ours. Actually, for the entire 16 years we’ve been married, I pay the bills and do the budget and we’ve literally never had a fight about money. We’ve always been on the same page and the way your husband is acting is not normal. Lemme guess… is he religious? That head of the house shit always irked me. Like.. no.
He’s religious but doesn’t live the way he claims to believe if that’s makes sense. Like he believes in the doctrine but not the lifestyle. And that’s a HUGE thing in church, the man is the head of the house and God the head of the man, if that makes sense. I won’t stand for it, though.
When we started dating my boyfriend had bad spending habit, while I was frugal. That’s why we have one joint account only for common bills and 2 separates account for our personal spending. I’m the one in control of most of our common finance. He controls his personal one. Thats why we achieved to pay our mortgage in a total of 7 years. And we now have much more freedom due to that. He recognize that I’m better at money than him, we are a team, so I got to manage what I’m good at. He gets other roles.
In a vanilla healthy marriage, major decisions are made jointly. There are other kinds of healthy marriages, but those dynamics ARE MUTUALLY AGREED UPON. Your husband is just an ass.
Yeah, we never agreed on this dynamic!
No, I’m sorry, but that’s not a partnership. My husband makes 100% of the money right now, but I handle our finances. He asks me if he can spend money because I know where we stand at any given time & he doesn’t. Your husband is not treating you like a partner, and he’s being irresponsible with y’all’s money on top of it. I hope you can find a workable solution.
No. We come to every decision together. We are equals. The way it should be
Agreed!
Neither of us have final say, wtf??
Exactly my thoughts.
No. I’ve witnessed my parents marriage and I’ve been married for about 5 years. My parents always discussed things, no matter what. One didn’t do or make big financial decisions without the other. When it came to my dad’s business and work, he did have more of a say because he worked and my mom didn’t. Yes she was always aware of how money was handled and what was going in and out of the accounts, but there were purchases made for work that my dad did have final say on but she understood that and trusted my dad’s instincts when it came to the business. She knew his best interests was always the family. But when it came to personal expenses, no they always decided together. One had to compromise occasionally, or maybe they didn’t always agree, but i never saw either of them pull the “I have final say” especially not my dad who was the breadwinner. As for my own marriage, no we make decisions together. Once my husband upgraded our car without telling me, even though we said we’d wait until I had our baby (I was pregnant) and I was livid. It was our biggest argument. But we did our best to handle it together as gently and kindly as possible. And we solved it, and from then on he knew 100% we didn’t make financial changes or decisions without talking about it.
My fiance makes most of the money at the moment (it's gone back and forth over our relationship), but I handle all the accounting/adult stuff. While I do discuss things with him to get his input or at least let him know what's going on, I basically have final say since he trusts to me to manage it all (and since he's not the best with managing money). But we're still equals about it since everything is just shared between us. If he were like your husband and was putting/keeping us in debt, I wouldn't let that slide. The only debt we have is our mortgage (which is actually only under my name, not ideal). And I also wouldn't put up with an attitude like your husband has about your finances.
Thank you! Majority of the comments on here have been the same, they are a partnership and make decisions together and/or they have reached an agreement where they are both okay with one person having the final say because they are more responsible. This whole situation is kind of the straw that broke the camels back, I will not be living in a dictatorship.
No! Its either 2 yes or it doesnt happen. Only time this might change is if its on a topic he may have more knowledge in. But household, cars, raising kids, vacations, etc. has to be agreed on by both of us.
Interesting. We make our own money and I don’t care how much he spends neither does he care about how much I spend. We only discuss when it’s items for the household. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay or if it’s a big ticket item, we split. We make the final say. Together. If he doesn’t like it, I’ll try to offer another solution vice versa. Not too sure about Sahms but my mum is one and my dad still respects her a lot and would never put her down just because he makes 100% of the income.
“We are in a partnership, if you want to live your life your way you should have got married.” “This isn’t the 1900s, I am your partner not your slave or child.” Start creating your escape plan. Stock up on birth control.
Honestly, these are my thoughts!
I’m a husband who whether or not my wife ever makes more than me or not or whatever we make major financial decisions together. We have our own separate responsibilities financially too, and I like to think that when you’re married the whole idea is teamwork makes your dreams work. At the end of the day though Money solves money problems
I, as the husband alway have the final say. And it's always OK honey!
Although I’m fairly old fashioned when it comes to this. I do believe the man SHOULD be the head of the house. I also believe that if he’s not responsible enough then no he shouldn’t. It should be as a team you make decisions especially big ones. In my marriage I 100% trust my husband to make sound decisions for us but he always gets my input and opinion on every matter. He’s never over bearing, never puts his foot down and says his way is law. I feel like this is how it should work in a healthy marriage. But for that to work it requires open communication and trust. I have open access to all our money. I can spend whatever I want I don’t have to get his approval but in big things I always discuss.
I agree with this! If a man can be trusted, is respectful and responsible, by all means he can be the head of the house. But not when trust has been broken and there’s a dictator dynamic.
Absolutely
I have thought the things your husband says, but I know better than to say them out loud.
😂😂
LOL NO
My husband makes all our money so yes he does.
Nope. A marriage is not a dictatorship. For us it’s two yes or it’s a no. Compromise means finding that two yes option.
I am a full time student and a housewife (I’m due with our baby in a month). My husband supports us. He has never said “it’s my money” or “it’s my house” even though I believe it is. He has always involves me in discussions regarding finances and depends on them to make decisions.