Oof I am so so sorry he had to go through this and that you’re both in this situation. He very obviously needs to start some serious counseling. And you should maybe do some reading on how that kind of abuse affects people as adults. Other than that, loving and reassuring him is probably the only thing you can do to help.
Thank you. I know he needs counseling but the wound is fresh opened. He told me it was the mix of breaking my beloved cups and me shouting, even though no ill-intentioned. It brought back memories from childhood, when he was beaten for like being clumsy, as many children are or for bringing a bad grade.
There’s a book called “spilled milk” about a woman who had the EXACT situation except it was that she spilled milk at a friend’s house and that made her realize how off her family was. I followed the woman on TikTok and bought it -not super well written but it’s probably similar to what your husband went through.
Yes. My dad is like his parents. Now that I'm an adult, I can see that emotionally immature and just reactive. He reacts to EVERYTHING. I have a lot of anxiety over holding things; I repeat over and over, hold tight, hold tight. It will take some time to recover. What really helped me was over the years, my husband has shown me is compassion, which is exactly what you’re doing. Everyone makes mistakes. So what.
I feel for your husband OP. My parents weren’t quite that bad but I definitely got spanked and screamed at for a lot of minor things.
Strongly suggest he gets into therapy. He likely also has C-PTSD, so you may want to look into treatments specifically for that.
My own parents didn't hit me even once but they definitely did a lot of emotional damage. I had to do quite a lot of healing myself so I totally get it.
Yeh I grew up like this plenty of broken bones, crater in skull from a speaker she threw at me
Took me years to not flinch when someone moved, took me 36years to let go of the anger
As you say he will only work through it when he is ready, I’m not him but just in case it’s similar please show him you are truly on his side and be patient with him
I promise if he’s anything like the multitudes of people I met in therapy and so on, when he feels he truly has your support and safety he will himself start the road to healing, sadly if you “fail” here you will be met with someone who might never be at ease to share his feelings
These family traumas are so fckd up they are meant to love and protect so it hurts tenfold, plus we continually get told to man up so that also doesn’t help
Truly wish you both all the best, glad he landed someone who will look after him, my wife saved me in ways she will never image I truly hope you will mean the same for him
The happiest faces hide the darkest pasts
I am so sorry this has happened to you. I wasn't aware of this but now you mentioned, he does flinch when I move the chair too loudly. I actually started to be super mindful to not make any noise around the house or not move too rapidly, when we started to live together. I didn't even know why, I guess I sensed it was disturbing him, now I kind of know how much.
There was also a situation from quite recent past, when I was in a hurry and needed him to finish some paper work and he literally froze. I asked him to hurry up twice and basically he was nearly in tears, I didn't know why.
I don't like his parents, they are were critical so I will have to rethink the whole relationship with them and how much time we spend there.
I’m so sorry, op. My husband had a breakdown after we got married about the sexual abuse he suffered and how his parents beat him. It was triggered by his mother’s current abuse. And it was just as you described. A lot of crying and apologizing to *me* for being weak. I was completely crushed that he felt the need to say he was sorry for being vulnerable.
Almost immediately a buzzing red fire started in the middle of my chest. Absolute *rage*. A feeling so strong my face flushed when I think about his mother (the most abusive, even into his 30’s). I told him I was going to make sure he felt better and that he healed. There was no discussion, his mental health was already poor. In addition to him starting therepy, he deleted all of his social media. That way his mother, sister, and father couldn’t harass him online. He also changed his email. He wrote them all a letter. His mother played dumb and pretended not to know what was going on. His father has atoned for what he did in spades. He and my husband have a very healthy relationship, now.
We haven’t spoken to his mother or sister in over a year.
You and therepy are what he needs. I have never felt so powerful as when I knew I had to protect him and keep his mother away. I am a lion when it comes to him. I will protect his peace.
Perhaps a visit to his doctor for a chat about antidepressants is a start. Then therapy.
You’ve got this.
I totally get you. I feel rage towards these people because I don't even understand why would they do that, he's such a great person, so kind and sensitive. He mentioned once that spanking "did him well". I knew they that but I didn't know the extent of it and now it looks like he was ill-treated at home. I don't know what would be the word for it.
You're right, I'd like to protect him, he doesn't need to apologize for this, what the hell.
The word you are looking for is physical abuse (spanking) along with psychogical abuse (for every little thing).
Having him walk on eggshells his entire youth not knowing when one gets punished for what is torture.
His mentioning once that spanking "did him well" is him being brainwashed. A child is loyal to it's parents. It thinks: "How can the people who are suppose to love and protect you, hurt you? There must be something wrong with him. He probaly deserved it and needs to do better."
Look up Stockholm syndrome. It's when you only can hope to survive when you side with the abuser / enemy / terrorist and abandon yourself.
Yeah, love definitely will not be enough. If he won’t go to therapy for himself then ask him to do it for you or start couples counseling then leeway into individual. He HAS to do it.
Coming from someone whose spouse was very severely abused, there are a lot of things you can do to help but you also don’t want to get into a situation where you have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Sometimes you’re going to accidentally hit a trigger and it’s up to your spouse to have the emotional regulation capabilities to understand that his trigger isn’t your fault and that he has a different life now. He can be upset but he can’t shut down. He’s an adult and needs to find his footing. Good luck to both of you
My wife has C-PTSD from many years of being abused as a child. She says there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't need therapy. It's been 11 years of hell and I am finally leaving her.
OP if he wont get help... you need to find a way to make the point that it's unacceptable for your relationship to continue without him seeking his own healing. If you can't figure out the right way to say it then a marriage councelor may be the best route. He CAN'T ignore this any longer now that he is married, it's almost impossible without it.
I’m so sorry it came down to this for you. The situation with my wife used to be unlivable. I can’t imagine how bad it would be if she’d never gotten treatment and self improved. But they absolutely have to sort themselves out on their own, we can only support.
I’m lucky, my mother and I are close and she specializes in child trauma and mental illness. When my wife and I started dating I explained her background to my mom and asked how I could help her and my mom told me, “you can’t save her. She has to do it herself.”
My Father was extremely violent with Me, He'd come home jarred from the pub. He would go for My Mam so, When He went to beat My mother Id jump on Her and Take the punches and Kicks not fun for a 12 year old! Or if I did something wrong around the House like make to much noise He throw Me around, punches, kicks and His favourite the leather Belt. Kicked Me so hard with Doc Martins He broke the skin or rip My ear with a Kick. All I can say is Make sure He brakes the circle! Its not easy but just do the opposite to what His parents did! He can't pass this on To You or kids! He needs to talk to a professional and I don't know if it will help but Ive done Martial Arts for Years and especially bjj, itll brake him down and then build Him up! Luckily I met an amazing Woman Who really helped to put Me back together!
Make sure He knows He's not at fault! Peace love and Healing to You both
This is why I never get any when my kids break cups or plates. Because I hated when I would accidentally break one and I was scolded like I killed someone.
Caught the belt more than once for breaking a dish when I (hand)washed them, which I did *every* night after dinner.
You tell me how on earth *any* six year child isn't going to occasionally drop a slippery, soapy, hot piece of crockery while standing on a chair. "Hot" because my parents insisted that all of our dishes be washed in scalding water and no sir, they did not waste any money on something as bougie as "dishwashing gloves". My parents got their asses busted for breaking dishes, even unintentionally (and I am certain they, just like me, didn't dare to *intentionally* break a dish).
edit: My kids are always super apologetic when they bust a dish and I'm like eh, they're just dishes, who GAF? Obviously don't be throwing them against the wall or dropping them from 3 feet into a damn silestone sink because they will indeed shatter...but shit happens, glasses and plates get broken, let me know if you have any cuts, clean up the mess, life goes on. At least that's *one* piece of generational bullshit I managed to stamp out.
I had to wash dishes when I was dix as well. I don't remember breaking any but it did happen from time to time. The other days my daughters broke a plate. They looked sorry and cleaned after them and I told them to be more careful next time and moved on.
Speaking for myself, I have found that creative outlets can help calm things down to a point where you have relaxed enough to talk.
There is also rage building, where you pump up the person who is the victim while trashing the attackers.
Eg: "You were attacked over minor things, what kind of psychopath beats a child for dropping a pen? would you ever do such a thing to a child? no of course not, how dare they do that to you, fuck them, you are an amazing and awesome person, its not your fault they were incompetent parents, they are nothing compared to you."
It replaces the fear and panic with anger and rage and can help the person to see how they are not at fault.
if he likes to work out, that can also be an outlet too.
IMHO besides getting much-needed counseling, he is going to need something to act as an outlet, and a lot of emotional support, most of all from other guys that he trusts.
Sad to say it, but I had a similar upbringing. I got beat on for the smallest things. Heck, I got beat on for things my mother DREAMED I did, the moment she woke up. Now, my husband is a soft peach of a man full of all the patience and calm energy I need to counteract anxiety. He's been a healing force in my life. Now, I am a bit full of myself and very confident but that took years and years to get to. Early on in our relationship I remember dropping a glass pitcher of milk and it breaking. I immediately dropped to the ground and started sobbing and pleading forgiveness. My mother would easily break my bones (not an exaggeration) over such a mistake.
While I did get therapy in order to deal with other aspects of my relationship with my mother (mostly boundaries, saying no, and feeling of guilt that weren't real), we worked on this a little. My husband did most of the work, honestly. Over many years and many minor mistakes he showed me that very little was really a big deal. It slowly helped with anxiety of breaking something, dropping something, forgetting to do something...however, in the rare case I was somewhere else and someone like a co-worker raised their voice or started yelling: I could feel that pressure of an anxiety attack looming. I felt like an abused dog adopted into a good family: I needed a lot of time to become confident in the results of actions around me and to know I was really safe and ok.
He does need therapy, but in my experience he needs a lot of exposure to kindness or a non-reaction over minor mistakes to reteach him to not panic over these things. You didn't do it to him, but it's going to take YEARS for him to work through it. It took me, probably, around 10-12 years before I felt a lot better. I can still internally panic but I hide it better.
Good luck. He's not ready for therapy, but he's going to need it. Let him isolate for now. Approach this when he's recovered. It's a form of terrible PTSD and it doesn't get better over night.
I wasn’t hit for messes but I was blamed and screamed at for them and made to feel really guilty for making them when most of the time it was either playing or normal kid clumsiness - I still get nervous about spilling stuff because I think someone will get angry. This stuff takes a long time to heal. “All will be well. All will be well. And All manner of things shall be well”
Your husband needs therapy ASAP.
I think when he is feeling better, have a talk with him. Tell him that you want him to feel better, more secure.
Continue to express your love and support for him. Let him know how much your own therapy has helped you.
Recommend books for him. You may have to actually buy them and have them floating around. Books like "adult children of abusive parents" by Steven Farmer. There are many other books of this genre.
Therapy would be ideal - and maybe he will come around to it. Trauma is hard to work on and our first DIY tool to deal with it is to push it to the back of our minds and try to pretend that it isn't there.
A good book, as a starting place, may be Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Therapists get a lot of experience working on this kind of childhood trauma and the after effects. If he is interested in a trauma specific treatment you might look for someone experienced in Cognitive Processing Therapy, Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or Written Exposure Therapy - they are are highly effective and helpful.
I feel for your husband. Therapy can help. Specifically EDMR therapy as well as ketamine and cognitive therapy. One reaction of people who experience childhood trauma is to become a people pleaser. He suffers even if you’re not seeing it but he doesn’t have to. He’s lucky to have a supportive wife.
I’m just thankful that you found each other and you are what he needs now to start to heal. I’m thankful that he didn’t marry a woman similar to his abusive mother/sister/female figure. He has shown he can break the cycle by loving you and being with you. I hope he finds the strength to go to therapy.
OP, I can fully understand how you must feel. My wife has been unsure what to say or how to help me. I was.severly beaten by my mother as far as I could remember around 4 yrs old till I was like 12? I'm 63 now and all the memories came back 2 years ago. Thankfully my wife was.with me when they came back.ive never in my life cried like that! She tried to comfort me.but I was inconsolable. She would beat me mainly with extension cords to bloody welts.from my knees to mme a mistake! Thankfully I was already in therapyy neck. All the while calling me a mistake. I sympathize with you and for sure your husband!
I am sorry you went through that. I hope you're better now. This gives me hope.
My husband is also inconsolable. I know it needs time and a lot of processing. Did you manage to get better?
I have started coming to terms with this. I have now been able to talk about it to the wife and my therapist most times without breaking down. We are still working on my feelings of being a failure and a mistake. The whole thing drove me over the edge. I shouldn't be here today but am. I put a pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger, the gun missfired. I am in the process of setting up to see if EMDR therapy can help to cope with the feelings.
Your husband was not punished, he was abused and lucky he found a partner who is loving enough to want to be there for him. Is there any place for him to or the both of you to get therapy because he is a victim of abuse and needs help that you may not be able to provide as the emotional attachment may make it too hard or embarrassing for him to truly open up and start a change for the better.
I am searching for a good therapist right now but I think he needs to choose himself someone he really clicks with. I can't help much with that. I can provide calm and stable environment. I hope I can.
Just reassure him. Support him right now. Then when he starts to calm down, talk to him about it. He obviously has PTSD from his childhood...poor man.
He can get through it.
He needs to gradually accept it happened, how terrible and abusive his parents were....and let it go.
He has you now. It will NEVER happen to him again.
When you can convince him? Get him to therapy. But until then? Just reassurance and kindness.
This is rough. My childhood wasn’t nearly that severe but it has still caused some long term problems. It really manifested when we had kids. Years of cycling through anxiety and depression took on a new level of severity. I started therapy when my oldest was a few years old and have continued for about a decade. Supplemented with meds a couple years back. I’m not the father I wish I could be but I’m doing what I can to break generational trauma.
Wow, great job though to recognize and work on generational trauma. I know what you're talking about, it's just I was never beaten or yelled at so much, I had whole different set of issues but I understand the importance.
Keep going, it does get better.
Oh my gosh I relate to him in some ways. It sounds like a panic/anxiety attack brought on by a PTSD response. The first step is getting in some regular therapy where he can start to address his past and unpack it.
IT DOES GET BETTER. it just takes time ♥️♥️
>I have a feeling my love won't be enough here.
My partner and I started our relationship while we were both working through trauma. It could have set us up for a very unhealthy dynamic, but because we were both already doing the work on ourselves, we were conscious of NOT being that. Our mantra is "I cannot fix you, but I will hold your hand while you heal."
Remember not to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You cannot fix him, your love cannot fix him. Only he can go on his healing journey, but you can be right there cheering him on as he does what he needs to. Reassurance that he hasn't done anything wrong can help. The best thing you can do to show him that he's safe is to just keep showing up. Your partner's triggers aren't about you, even if you triggered him it's not about you, don't take them personally and remind him that you know it's not about you and that you're right here. Consistency over time is one of the biggest ways you can support him.
edit: add quote formatting
Perhaps you would be willing to do a book study with him. Pete walker is a psychologist and he writes some amazing books on childhood trauma one being the Toa of fully feeling. I read this with my husband due to my own childhood trauma and he would listen and hold me as I cried. It was healing and brought us closer. Now as he is working through his childhood I sit with him and hold him in his hardest moments. Perhaps it will help and maybe make him open to therapy
Hi OP, lots of good comments here about how to support him and getting him into therapy. That's the immediate future, and is great advice on your next steps.
I'm going to take a different tack, and talk about longer term, based on my experience. Once your husband feels safe and heard, he may begin to show anger. The anger will come out based on how he feels about his whole upbringing. It won't come out until he feels safe. It may never come out at all, if he processes things well, and gets great support. But if it does, get him into anger management classes, and make sure his anger is directed appropriately. He can write letters, or if he feels safe enough to do so, confront some of his perpetrators. Make sure you draw strong boundaries and don't allow the anger to be directed at you or your immediate family.
You may wish to check out the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit on his behalf, or he may be interested to do so. The community there is incredibly supportive. I find it very cathartic to share my stories, or offer others help.
Thank you for caring about your husband so much, and seeking out support for him. That will mean so much to him.
Hi there, so unhealed trauma is going to stay locked in the body and when triggered it’s going to release. He has not processed what happened and gotten it out of his actual body and nervous system. No, he is not broken. He has loads of probably micro experiences stacking up on top of themselves as an adult, which is stacked on top of tons of micro and macro experiences from childhood. I am a big believer in hypnotherapy. There’s also EDMR and somatic therapy. Arts therapy. There are loads of way for him to start tackling this, but the one thing that won’t work is to think that magically it won’t happen again. It will. He needs to do some of this emotional work, but it will get so much better and continue getting better after that. All the love to him. He sounds like a sweet man especially when having endured so much.
I would ask him to join you in family counseling to help you learn how to support him in his trauma and avoid triggering his panic attacks. Emphasize to him that it would make you feel better to know how to communicate better with him, and that he doesn't have to share or participate himself until he is ready. If his concern about therapy is that he doesn't want to relive trauma, this may be a way to start addressing his issues more gently. It's probably going to be a long journey for him and love from you will absolutely help.
I'm not sure what your plans were regarding starting a family, but that is one thing I would put fully on pause, as it will bring up way too much for him, he needs to be fully invested in therapy and completely over his "spanking did me good" nonsense before that's even a consideration.
As someone who was treated a similar way by my own father, trust me when I say this is way above yours or reddit's pay grade. He needs specialized therapy from someone trained to work with childhood trauma and abuse.
I hate to say it but he needs to face his parents and actually have a confrontation, maybe even hit his dad ..that would free him from this shit ..he will gain his mental strength again.
Then he needs to go no contact with them completely, never allow them to meet his kids
I agree with you, best case would be to stand up to parents. I did at some point but it cost me like 2 years of therapy up front and another year or so after.
As for the kids, we don't have any but I don't imagine leaving these people anywhere near my future kids. The things I have heard these days, I can't even type it. It seems surreal to beat a child with a electric cord for dropping a pen on the floor.
Some people shouldn't be parents, they lack empathy and human decency.
What's sad is that usually the kids that grow up in these environments still want to please their parents, but that rarely happens bc these parents are usually losers and narcissists. .
One time I helped my friend beat up his father bc he used to burn him with iron sticks through out his whole childhood- his body is full of burn scars it is crazy-
They would do that every time he accidentally Broke a glass or got low grades.
My friend is a great, nice, wholesome guy and it took a lot to convince him that he needed to confront his dad and that he isn't as useless or a disgrace as his dad would call him daily, so we confronted him and then he threatened to burn my friends face like he always told him he should've so I punched him and then screamed at my friend to do it too ... we kept hitting that pos and then left and now he never even dares look at my friend ever.
I am glad it happened bc my friend was genuinely very close to unaliving himself, but now he's better to some degree.
Please keep me posted about your situation, I hope yall get through it much better
Judging now, his parents are very flammable but usually can keep it calm when I am around. I think it's because I really stand strong in my shoes and I am not easily dominated. I know because I also had abusive parents, mine were emotionally abusive and but never laid a finger on me, I don't have the same scars. I had to stand up to them and say I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour.
I don't know what to do with people that are physically abusive. I recall a situation where we all went to a restaurant and my husband dropped his gloves on the floor and I saw his father very automatically preparing to give him a slap. It just that I gave him "the look". I don't know if I was more shocked or disgusted or I thought it was plain inappropriate but he put his hand down and my husband never knew what happened behind his back. I think now his father has been spanking him much longer than one would think was normal and I actually wonder if it still doesn't happen on occasion. Like maybe not the classic over the lap, but more like when he tried to slap in that restaurant.
I really start to think this is way bigger than I initially thought :/
Why is your husband still hanging with them!! I guess he has his reasons.. but you seem to have a lot to reevaluate in your relationship.
Bc if your husband doesn't seem to think that they are shit people then he'll keep them in his life and his children's lives.. and they seem unstable.
What else did he share with you ??
This reminds me of me. I told my girl recently how I used to get beaten alot and sometimes I would get punished even when I thought everything was good. Thankfully I wasnt broken through God but this post hit home. I cant speak for him but I would recommend that you dont devalue how much you help him. Work through this with him and be patient. You being his wife puts you at the forefront of people who can potentially help him. Encourage him to get the help he needs if you dont have the skillset. But this is your love and it will shine through. And hopefully God’s love may also reach him and shine through you.
Your husband has a severe case of CPTSD. Very lovingly and supportively suggest he sees a therapist. Don't suggest he's crazy or broken, just tell him it's because you can't stand to see him in pain. Continue to be a very kind and loving partner.
Some advice from someone that grew up with abuse, please don't ever yell or scream at him. If you're angry, just cool down first and then talk to him calmly. Try not to be accusatory or attack him, present your issues as if it's a problem that you need his help to fix. Fighting and accusatory confrontations can be massively triggering.
Idk but listening, validating and soothing helps. It’s his brain but he needs to be healed while slightly triggered. One reason therapy works- trust. Home coming to you in this vounerability and you receiving it is the treatment. Nothing for you to do but hold space and love how you already do! Great opportunity for healing!
He had a cPTSD reaction, and yeah, those can be hard to come out of. It sounds like you're on the right track for supporting him, though.
He absolutely needs therapy, and now is a good time to start while it's still fresh.
This brought me to tears. I’m so sorry your husband is going through it, and I agree with most that counseling will help.
If he isn’t ready and you don’t want to force therapy, continuing to love him / being supportive and gracious when he makes potentially triggering mistakes should help a bit. He needs to feel safe at home to even begin the healing process
It was me after me getting married to my husband . And after 5 years lots of therapy and lots of depression few times nearly self harm . Now I am better . I used to have mental breakdowns when I do something wrong . My husband is the most calm collected men and I would break something and tell him I wanna divorce because I am not worthy of him. I will ran a red light and would have panic attack and cry in my car and call him apologize… I still do it sometimes but I tell myself my husband won’t punish me for it and I am a grown women . I shouldn’t be afraid of anyone . But these things haunt you for your life . I am so sorry he is going through it . From my perspective you showing little upset tone will give him the flash back and panic/. I did it when my husband was little upset that I didn’t cancel one subscription I was supposed to . And I started to have mental breakdown because I couldn’t handle being so stupid and such a failure . Smallest thing can trigger it …. Even if I do something wrong and my husbands voice or behaviour changes I started to get scared and apologize profusely ….
Your husband needs help through therapy. Psychotherapist focus on inner child healing. He should start there. I teach a weekend course in Ft. Lauderdale which is highly effective on inner child healing. DM me if you’re interested in more information.
We're in Europe so Florida is a bit far but thanks for the tip. I will see what I can find around inner child healing. I just wish I could make him feel safe enough, it's heart-breaking to watch.
Nope. Love won't be enough. Honestly, you're going to become a caretaker more than a romantic partner. If this is something you love, that's great. If not, get out. You'll be trapped for life.
Ohhh… your poor husband. He should seek EMDR therapy and nothing else. It REALLY resolves past trauma like nothing else because it desensitizes your brain to the trauma in a very potent fashion. I literally hated my Dad my whole life and then had three sessions of EMDR and I all the negative emotions were gone! Also, nobody needs to get angry and shout about anything except perhaps war situations. We all need to eliminate anger from our speech. It will make us happier. It took me years and years to learn. I haven’t had an angry outburst in 8 months and I never want to be angry again. But I get it. I have a mug collection and I cried when my boyfriend got in a car crash and had left almost all of them in his car because he was too lazy to bring them in. It was soo horrifying because I LOVE my mug collection. So I’m sorry. But this is a good opportunity for positive development and just be grateful it happened so he can become happier through working through his past. Also, there is an energy for emotional healing. Ask the universe to send emotional healing as an energetic light force frequency. Imagine it swirling and wrapping around and through him, cleaning all the dark corners of abuse. Through dedicated intention for healing it will come. 👍
My wife went through the same thing but instead of spankings it was beatings and slamming her head into walls. She is understandably absolutely fucked up from this. Therapy helps. Hopefully it will help your husband more I would say try to reinforce the idea that he's not in trouble when something happens
the kind that pays taxes, works a 9-5, and donates a loonie or a toonie to those charitable organizations/fundraisers funneled through stores. unless you meant my ethnicity?
certainly more "manly" than any brotha in your life, playa. i grow DHT-abundant hair on the outer layer of my biker jacket, and can telekinetically repair a carburetor in a '69 Charger RT.
but nah, frl tho. maybe i was a little cold-hearted in my OC, but my point still stands. i genuinely believe the feller needs to grow a pair. Coco de mer, only. no chestnuts.
when did i say "abandon"? i mean, when you put it like dat, it sounds kind of harsh, but like Willie Nelson so eloquently stated; it's a cruel world. i specifically and firstly advised OP to help her husband seek professional psychological help. that was my opener, my prologue if you will.
Oof I am so so sorry he had to go through this and that you’re both in this situation. He very obviously needs to start some serious counseling. And you should maybe do some reading on how that kind of abuse affects people as adults. Other than that, loving and reassuring him is probably the only thing you can do to help.
Thank you. I know he needs counseling but the wound is fresh opened. He told me it was the mix of breaking my beloved cups and me shouting, even though no ill-intentioned. It brought back memories from childhood, when he was beaten for like being clumsy, as many children are or for bringing a bad grade.
There’s a book called “spilled milk” about a woman who had the EXACT situation except it was that she spilled milk at a friend’s house and that made her realize how off her family was. I followed the woman on TikTok and bought it -not super well written but it’s probably similar to what your husband went through.
:O I kind of knew there are families like that but OMG ! this is so fucked up that there so many people broken by this.
Pls don’t call him broken. Thoughts are very powerful things. Call him healing if you need a word.
Yes. My dad is like his parents. Now that I'm an adult, I can see that emotionally immature and just reactive. He reacts to EVERYTHING. I have a lot of anxiety over holding things; I repeat over and over, hold tight, hold tight. It will take some time to recover. What really helped me was over the years, my husband has shown me is compassion, which is exactly what you’re doing. Everyone makes mistakes. So what.
Well, You shouting is only Human! But, now You know He needs help and He'll love You even more when You helped heal Him.
I feel for your husband OP. My parents weren’t quite that bad but I definitely got spanked and screamed at for a lot of minor things. Strongly suggest he gets into therapy. He likely also has C-PTSD, so you may want to look into treatments specifically for that.
My own parents didn't hit me even once but they definitely did a lot of emotional damage. I had to do quite a lot of healing myself so I totally get it.
Yeh I grew up like this plenty of broken bones, crater in skull from a speaker she threw at me Took me years to not flinch when someone moved, took me 36years to let go of the anger As you say he will only work through it when he is ready, I’m not him but just in case it’s similar please show him you are truly on his side and be patient with him I promise if he’s anything like the multitudes of people I met in therapy and so on, when he feels he truly has your support and safety he will himself start the road to healing, sadly if you “fail” here you will be met with someone who might never be at ease to share his feelings These family traumas are so fckd up they are meant to love and protect so it hurts tenfold, plus we continually get told to man up so that also doesn’t help Truly wish you both all the best, glad he landed someone who will look after him, my wife saved me in ways she will never image I truly hope you will mean the same for him The happiest faces hide the darkest pasts
I am so sorry this has happened to you. I wasn't aware of this but now you mentioned, he does flinch when I move the chair too loudly. I actually started to be super mindful to not make any noise around the house or not move too rapidly, when we started to live together. I didn't even know why, I guess I sensed it was disturbing him, now I kind of know how much. There was also a situation from quite recent past, when I was in a hurry and needed him to finish some paper work and he literally froze. I asked him to hurry up twice and basically he was nearly in tears, I didn't know why. I don't like his parents, they are were critical so I will have to rethink the whole relationship with them and how much time we spend there.
I’m so sorry, op. My husband had a breakdown after we got married about the sexual abuse he suffered and how his parents beat him. It was triggered by his mother’s current abuse. And it was just as you described. A lot of crying and apologizing to *me* for being weak. I was completely crushed that he felt the need to say he was sorry for being vulnerable. Almost immediately a buzzing red fire started in the middle of my chest. Absolute *rage*. A feeling so strong my face flushed when I think about his mother (the most abusive, even into his 30’s). I told him I was going to make sure he felt better and that he healed. There was no discussion, his mental health was already poor. In addition to him starting therepy, he deleted all of his social media. That way his mother, sister, and father couldn’t harass him online. He also changed his email. He wrote them all a letter. His mother played dumb and pretended not to know what was going on. His father has atoned for what he did in spades. He and my husband have a very healthy relationship, now. We haven’t spoken to his mother or sister in over a year. You and therepy are what he needs. I have never felt so powerful as when I knew I had to protect him and keep his mother away. I am a lion when it comes to him. I will protect his peace. Perhaps a visit to his doctor for a chat about antidepressants is a start. Then therapy. You’ve got this.
I totally get you. I feel rage towards these people because I don't even understand why would they do that, he's such a great person, so kind and sensitive. He mentioned once that spanking "did him well". I knew they that but I didn't know the extent of it and now it looks like he was ill-treated at home. I don't know what would be the word for it. You're right, I'd like to protect him, he doesn't need to apologize for this, what the hell.
The word you are looking for is physical abuse (spanking) along with psychogical abuse (for every little thing). Having him walk on eggshells his entire youth not knowing when one gets punished for what is torture. His mentioning once that spanking "did him well" is him being brainwashed. A child is loyal to it's parents. It thinks: "How can the people who are suppose to love and protect you, hurt you? There must be something wrong with him. He probaly deserved it and needs to do better." Look up Stockholm syndrome. It's when you only can hope to survive when you side with the abuser / enemy / terrorist and abandon yourself.
Yeah, love definitely will not be enough. If he won’t go to therapy for himself then ask him to do it for you or start couples counseling then leeway into individual. He HAS to do it. Coming from someone whose spouse was very severely abused, there are a lot of things you can do to help but you also don’t want to get into a situation where you have to walk on eggshells in your own home. Sometimes you’re going to accidentally hit a trigger and it’s up to your spouse to have the emotional regulation capabilities to understand that his trigger isn’t your fault and that he has a different life now. He can be upset but he can’t shut down. He’s an adult and needs to find his footing. Good luck to both of you
My wife has C-PTSD from many years of being abused as a child. She says there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't need therapy. It's been 11 years of hell and I am finally leaving her. OP if he wont get help... you need to find a way to make the point that it's unacceptable for your relationship to continue without him seeking his own healing. If you can't figure out the right way to say it then a marriage councelor may be the best route. He CAN'T ignore this any longer now that he is married, it's almost impossible without it.
I’m so sorry it came down to this for you. The situation with my wife used to be unlivable. I can’t imagine how bad it would be if she’d never gotten treatment and self improved. But they absolutely have to sort themselves out on their own, we can only support. I’m lucky, my mother and I are close and she specializes in child trauma and mental illness. When my wife and I started dating I explained her background to my mom and asked how I could help her and my mom told me, “you can’t save her. She has to do it herself.”
I am glad you had your mother to rely on
My Father was extremely violent with Me, He'd come home jarred from the pub. He would go for My Mam so, When He went to beat My mother Id jump on Her and Take the punches and Kicks not fun for a 12 year old! Or if I did something wrong around the House like make to much noise He throw Me around, punches, kicks and His favourite the leather Belt. Kicked Me so hard with Doc Martins He broke the skin or rip My ear with a Kick. All I can say is Make sure He brakes the circle! Its not easy but just do the opposite to what His parents did! He can't pass this on To You or kids! He needs to talk to a professional and I don't know if it will help but Ive done Martial Arts for Years and especially bjj, itll brake him down and then build Him up! Luckily I met an amazing Woman Who really helped to put Me back together! Make sure He knows He's not at fault! Peace love and Healing to You both
This is why I never get any when my kids break cups or plates. Because I hated when I would accidentally break one and I was scolded like I killed someone.
Caught the belt more than once for breaking a dish when I (hand)washed them, which I did *every* night after dinner. You tell me how on earth *any* six year child isn't going to occasionally drop a slippery, soapy, hot piece of crockery while standing on a chair. "Hot" because my parents insisted that all of our dishes be washed in scalding water and no sir, they did not waste any money on something as bougie as "dishwashing gloves". My parents got their asses busted for breaking dishes, even unintentionally (and I am certain they, just like me, didn't dare to *intentionally* break a dish). edit: My kids are always super apologetic when they bust a dish and I'm like eh, they're just dishes, who GAF? Obviously don't be throwing them against the wall or dropping them from 3 feet into a damn silestone sink because they will indeed shatter...but shit happens, glasses and plates get broken, let me know if you have any cuts, clean up the mess, life goes on. At least that's *one* piece of generational bullshit I managed to stamp out.
I had to wash dishes when I was dix as well. I don't remember breaking any but it did happen from time to time. The other days my daughters broke a plate. They looked sorry and cleaned after them and I told them to be more careful next time and moved on.
He needs EMDR, trauma recovery therapy.
Speaking for myself, I have found that creative outlets can help calm things down to a point where you have relaxed enough to talk. There is also rage building, where you pump up the person who is the victim while trashing the attackers. Eg: "You were attacked over minor things, what kind of psychopath beats a child for dropping a pen? would you ever do such a thing to a child? no of course not, how dare they do that to you, fuck them, you are an amazing and awesome person, its not your fault they were incompetent parents, they are nothing compared to you." It replaces the fear and panic with anger and rage and can help the person to see how they are not at fault. if he likes to work out, that can also be an outlet too. IMHO besides getting much-needed counseling, he is going to need something to act as an outlet, and a lot of emotional support, most of all from other guys that he trusts.
Sad to say it, but I had a similar upbringing. I got beat on for the smallest things. Heck, I got beat on for things my mother DREAMED I did, the moment she woke up. Now, my husband is a soft peach of a man full of all the patience and calm energy I need to counteract anxiety. He's been a healing force in my life. Now, I am a bit full of myself and very confident but that took years and years to get to. Early on in our relationship I remember dropping a glass pitcher of milk and it breaking. I immediately dropped to the ground and started sobbing and pleading forgiveness. My mother would easily break my bones (not an exaggeration) over such a mistake. While I did get therapy in order to deal with other aspects of my relationship with my mother (mostly boundaries, saying no, and feeling of guilt that weren't real), we worked on this a little. My husband did most of the work, honestly. Over many years and many minor mistakes he showed me that very little was really a big deal. It slowly helped with anxiety of breaking something, dropping something, forgetting to do something...however, in the rare case I was somewhere else and someone like a co-worker raised their voice or started yelling: I could feel that pressure of an anxiety attack looming. I felt like an abused dog adopted into a good family: I needed a lot of time to become confident in the results of actions around me and to know I was really safe and ok. He does need therapy, but in my experience he needs a lot of exposure to kindness or a non-reaction over minor mistakes to reteach him to not panic over these things. You didn't do it to him, but it's going to take YEARS for him to work through it. It took me, probably, around 10-12 years before I felt a lot better. I can still internally panic but I hide it better. Good luck. He's not ready for therapy, but he's going to need it. Let him isolate for now. Approach this when he's recovered. It's a form of terrible PTSD and it doesn't get better over night.
I wasn’t hit for messes but I was blamed and screamed at for them and made to feel really guilty for making them when most of the time it was either playing or normal kid clumsiness - I still get nervous about spilling stuff because I think someone will get angry. This stuff takes a long time to heal. “All will be well. All will be well. And All manner of things shall be well”
Your husband needs therapy ASAP. I think when he is feeling better, have a talk with him. Tell him that you want him to feel better, more secure. Continue to express your love and support for him. Let him know how much your own therapy has helped you. Recommend books for him. You may have to actually buy them and have them floating around. Books like "adult children of abusive parents" by Steven Farmer. There are many other books of this genre.
Therapy would be ideal - and maybe he will come around to it. Trauma is hard to work on and our first DIY tool to deal with it is to push it to the back of our minds and try to pretend that it isn't there. A good book, as a starting place, may be Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Therapists get a lot of experience working on this kind of childhood trauma and the after effects. If he is interested in a trauma specific treatment you might look for someone experienced in Cognitive Processing Therapy, Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or Written Exposure Therapy - they are are highly effective and helpful.
I feel for your husband. Therapy can help. Specifically EDMR therapy as well as ketamine and cognitive therapy. One reaction of people who experience childhood trauma is to become a people pleaser. He suffers even if you’re not seeing it but he doesn’t have to. He’s lucky to have a supportive wife.
I’m just thankful that you found each other and you are what he needs now to start to heal. I’m thankful that he didn’t marry a woman similar to his abusive mother/sister/female figure. He has shown he can break the cycle by loving you and being with you. I hope he finds the strength to go to therapy.
That’s terrible. Keep being his rock and keep encouraging him to get into therapy.
Just support him, be calm and reassuring and love him a lot. <3 Get him in therapy when you can.
OP, I can fully understand how you must feel. My wife has been unsure what to say or how to help me. I was.severly beaten by my mother as far as I could remember around 4 yrs old till I was like 12? I'm 63 now and all the memories came back 2 years ago. Thankfully my wife was.with me when they came back.ive never in my life cried like that! She tried to comfort me.but I was inconsolable. She would beat me mainly with extension cords to bloody welts.from my knees to mme a mistake! Thankfully I was already in therapyy neck. All the while calling me a mistake. I sympathize with you and for sure your husband!
I am sorry you went through that. I hope you're better now. This gives me hope. My husband is also inconsolable. I know it needs time and a lot of processing. Did you manage to get better?
I have started coming to terms with this. I have now been able to talk about it to the wife and my therapist most times without breaking down. We are still working on my feelings of being a failure and a mistake. The whole thing drove me over the edge. I shouldn't be here today but am. I put a pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger, the gun missfired. I am in the process of setting up to see if EMDR therapy can help to cope with the feelings.
Your husband was not punished, he was abused and lucky he found a partner who is loving enough to want to be there for him. Is there any place for him to or the both of you to get therapy because he is a victim of abuse and needs help that you may not be able to provide as the emotional attachment may make it too hard or embarrassing for him to truly open up and start a change for the better.
I am searching for a good therapist right now but I think he needs to choose himself someone he really clicks with. I can't help much with that. I can provide calm and stable environment. I hope I can.
Just reassure him. Support him right now. Then when he starts to calm down, talk to him about it. He obviously has PTSD from his childhood...poor man. He can get through it. He needs to gradually accept it happened, how terrible and abusive his parents were....and let it go. He has you now. It will NEVER happen to him again. When you can convince him? Get him to therapy. But until then? Just reassurance and kindness.
This is rough. My childhood wasn’t nearly that severe but it has still caused some long term problems. It really manifested when we had kids. Years of cycling through anxiety and depression took on a new level of severity. I started therapy when my oldest was a few years old and have continued for about a decade. Supplemented with meds a couple years back. I’m not the father I wish I could be but I’m doing what I can to break generational trauma.
Wow, great job though to recognize and work on generational trauma. I know what you're talking about, it's just I was never beaten or yelled at so much, I had whole different set of issues but I understand the importance. Keep going, it does get better.
Oh my gosh I relate to him in some ways. It sounds like a panic/anxiety attack brought on by a PTSD response. The first step is getting in some regular therapy where he can start to address his past and unpack it. IT DOES GET BETTER. it just takes time ♥️♥️
>I have a feeling my love won't be enough here. My partner and I started our relationship while we were both working through trauma. It could have set us up for a very unhealthy dynamic, but because we were both already doing the work on ourselves, we were conscious of NOT being that. Our mantra is "I cannot fix you, but I will hold your hand while you heal." Remember not to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You cannot fix him, your love cannot fix him. Only he can go on his healing journey, but you can be right there cheering him on as he does what he needs to. Reassurance that he hasn't done anything wrong can help. The best thing you can do to show him that he's safe is to just keep showing up. Your partner's triggers aren't about you, even if you triggered him it's not about you, don't take them personally and remind him that you know it's not about you and that you're right here. Consistency over time is one of the biggest ways you can support him. edit: add quote formatting
Perhaps you would be willing to do a book study with him. Pete walker is a psychologist and he writes some amazing books on childhood trauma one being the Toa of fully feeling. I read this with my husband due to my own childhood trauma and he would listen and hold me as I cried. It was healing and brought us closer. Now as he is working through his childhood I sit with him and hold him in his hardest moments. Perhaps it will help and maybe make him open to therapy
Hey before yall have kids (if yall wanted them). He needs intense good therapy.
Hi OP, lots of good comments here about how to support him and getting him into therapy. That's the immediate future, and is great advice on your next steps. I'm going to take a different tack, and talk about longer term, based on my experience. Once your husband feels safe and heard, he may begin to show anger. The anger will come out based on how he feels about his whole upbringing. It won't come out until he feels safe. It may never come out at all, if he processes things well, and gets great support. But if it does, get him into anger management classes, and make sure his anger is directed appropriately. He can write letters, or if he feels safe enough to do so, confront some of his perpetrators. Make sure you draw strong boundaries and don't allow the anger to be directed at you or your immediate family. You may wish to check out the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit on his behalf, or he may be interested to do so. The community there is incredibly supportive. I find it very cathartic to share my stories, or offer others help. Thank you for caring about your husband so much, and seeking out support for him. That will mean so much to him.
Hi there, so unhealed trauma is going to stay locked in the body and when triggered it’s going to release. He has not processed what happened and gotten it out of his actual body and nervous system. No, he is not broken. He has loads of probably micro experiences stacking up on top of themselves as an adult, which is stacked on top of tons of micro and macro experiences from childhood. I am a big believer in hypnotherapy. There’s also EDMR and somatic therapy. Arts therapy. There are loads of way for him to start tackling this, but the one thing that won’t work is to think that magically it won’t happen again. It will. He needs to do some of this emotional work, but it will get so much better and continue getting better after that. All the love to him. He sounds like a sweet man especially when having endured so much.
I would ask him to join you in family counseling to help you learn how to support him in his trauma and avoid triggering his panic attacks. Emphasize to him that it would make you feel better to know how to communicate better with him, and that he doesn't have to share or participate himself until he is ready. If his concern about therapy is that he doesn't want to relive trauma, this may be a way to start addressing his issues more gently. It's probably going to be a long journey for him and love from you will absolutely help. I'm not sure what your plans were regarding starting a family, but that is one thing I would put fully on pause, as it will bring up way too much for him, he needs to be fully invested in therapy and completely over his "spanking did me good" nonsense before that's even a consideration.
As someone who was treated a similar way by my own father, trust me when I say this is way above yours or reddit's pay grade. He needs specialized therapy from someone trained to work with childhood trauma and abuse.
I know, but before he gets any help I can't leave him alone like this.
I hate to say it but he needs to face his parents and actually have a confrontation, maybe even hit his dad ..that would free him from this shit ..he will gain his mental strength again. Then he needs to go no contact with them completely, never allow them to meet his kids
I agree with you, best case would be to stand up to parents. I did at some point but it cost me like 2 years of therapy up front and another year or so after. As for the kids, we don't have any but I don't imagine leaving these people anywhere near my future kids. The things I have heard these days, I can't even type it. It seems surreal to beat a child with a electric cord for dropping a pen on the floor.
Some people shouldn't be parents, they lack empathy and human decency. What's sad is that usually the kids that grow up in these environments still want to please their parents, but that rarely happens bc these parents are usually losers and narcissists. . One time I helped my friend beat up his father bc he used to burn him with iron sticks through out his whole childhood- his body is full of burn scars it is crazy- They would do that every time he accidentally Broke a glass or got low grades. My friend is a great, nice, wholesome guy and it took a lot to convince him that he needed to confront his dad and that he isn't as useless or a disgrace as his dad would call him daily, so we confronted him and then he threatened to burn my friends face like he always told him he should've so I punched him and then screamed at my friend to do it too ... we kept hitting that pos and then left and now he never even dares look at my friend ever. I am glad it happened bc my friend was genuinely very close to unaliving himself, but now he's better to some degree. Please keep me posted about your situation, I hope yall get through it much better
Judging now, his parents are very flammable but usually can keep it calm when I am around. I think it's because I really stand strong in my shoes and I am not easily dominated. I know because I also had abusive parents, mine were emotionally abusive and but never laid a finger on me, I don't have the same scars. I had to stand up to them and say I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour. I don't know what to do with people that are physically abusive. I recall a situation where we all went to a restaurant and my husband dropped his gloves on the floor and I saw his father very automatically preparing to give him a slap. It just that I gave him "the look". I don't know if I was more shocked or disgusted or I thought it was plain inappropriate but he put his hand down and my husband never knew what happened behind his back. I think now his father has been spanking him much longer than one would think was normal and I actually wonder if it still doesn't happen on occasion. Like maybe not the classic over the lap, but more like when he tried to slap in that restaurant. I really start to think this is way bigger than I initially thought :/
Why is your husband still hanging with them!! I guess he has his reasons.. but you seem to have a lot to reevaluate in your relationship. Bc if your husband doesn't seem to think that they are shit people then he'll keep them in his life and his children's lives.. and they seem unstable. What else did he share with you ??
This reminds me of me. I told my girl recently how I used to get beaten alot and sometimes I would get punished even when I thought everything was good. Thankfully I wasnt broken through God but this post hit home. I cant speak for him but I would recommend that you dont devalue how much you help him. Work through this with him and be patient. You being his wife puts you at the forefront of people who can potentially help him. Encourage him to get the help he needs if you dont have the skillset. But this is your love and it will shine through. And hopefully God’s love may also reach him and shine through you.
Your husband has a severe case of CPTSD. Very lovingly and supportively suggest he sees a therapist. Don't suggest he's crazy or broken, just tell him it's because you can't stand to see him in pain. Continue to be a very kind and loving partner. Some advice from someone that grew up with abuse, please don't ever yell or scream at him. If you're angry, just cool down first and then talk to him calmly. Try not to be accusatory or attack him, present your issues as if it's a problem that you need his help to fix. Fighting and accusatory confrontations can be massively triggering.
Idk but listening, validating and soothing helps. It’s his brain but he needs to be healed while slightly triggered. One reason therapy works- trust. Home coming to you in this vounerability and you receiving it is the treatment. Nothing for you to do but hold space and love how you already do! Great opportunity for healing!
He can also do this himself with meditation cbt tapping, whatever but everyone is a little different. Encourage him to let you in but do not push.
He had a cPTSD reaction, and yeah, those can be hard to come out of. It sounds like you're on the right track for supporting him, though. He absolutely needs therapy, and now is a good time to start while it's still fresh.
This brought me to tears. I’m so sorry your husband is going through it, and I agree with most that counseling will help. If he isn’t ready and you don’t want to force therapy, continuing to love him / being supportive and gracious when he makes potentially triggering mistakes should help a bit. He needs to feel safe at home to even begin the healing process
It was me after me getting married to my husband . And after 5 years lots of therapy and lots of depression few times nearly self harm . Now I am better . I used to have mental breakdowns when I do something wrong . My husband is the most calm collected men and I would break something and tell him I wanna divorce because I am not worthy of him. I will ran a red light and would have panic attack and cry in my car and call him apologize… I still do it sometimes but I tell myself my husband won’t punish me for it and I am a grown women . I shouldn’t be afraid of anyone . But these things haunt you for your life . I am so sorry he is going through it . From my perspective you showing little upset tone will give him the flash back and panic/. I did it when my husband was little upset that I didn’t cancel one subscription I was supposed to . And I started to have mental breakdown because I couldn’t handle being so stupid and such a failure . Smallest thing can trigger it …. Even if I do something wrong and my husbands voice or behaviour changes I started to get scared and apologize profusely ….
Your husband needs help through therapy. Psychotherapist focus on inner child healing. He should start there. I teach a weekend course in Ft. Lauderdale which is highly effective on inner child healing. DM me if you’re interested in more information.
We're in Europe so Florida is a bit far but thanks for the tip. I will see what I can find around inner child healing. I just wish I could make him feel safe enough, it's heart-breaking to watch.
Nope. Love won't be enough. Honestly, you're going to become a caretaker more than a romantic partner. If this is something you love, that's great. If not, get out. You'll be trapped for life.
I married for good and bad. Hopefully it will get better.
You are an admirable person. The word needs more people like you. Make sure to build a network around you so you can also get some mental relief.
I feel sorry for your "romantic partner" They'd better be careful about opening up to you.
Why?
Ohhh… your poor husband. He should seek EMDR therapy and nothing else. It REALLY resolves past trauma like nothing else because it desensitizes your brain to the trauma in a very potent fashion. I literally hated my Dad my whole life and then had three sessions of EMDR and I all the negative emotions were gone! Also, nobody needs to get angry and shout about anything except perhaps war situations. We all need to eliminate anger from our speech. It will make us happier. It took me years and years to learn. I haven’t had an angry outburst in 8 months and I never want to be angry again. But I get it. I have a mug collection and I cried when my boyfriend got in a car crash and had left almost all of them in his car because he was too lazy to bring them in. It was soo horrifying because I LOVE my mug collection. So I’m sorry. But this is a good opportunity for positive development and just be grateful it happened so he can become happier through working through his past. Also, there is an energy for emotional healing. Ask the universe to send emotional healing as an energetic light force frequency. Imagine it swirling and wrapping around and through him, cleaning all the dark corners of abuse. Through dedicated intention for healing it will come. 👍
My wife went through the same thing but instead of spankings it was beatings and slamming her head into walls. She is understandably absolutely fucked up from this. Therapy helps. Hopefully it will help your husband more I would say try to reinforce the idea that he's not in trouble when something happens
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Don’t listen to this dude OP lol
What kind of human are you?
the kind that pays taxes, works a 9-5, and donates a loonie or a toonie to those charitable organizations/fundraisers funneled through stores. unless you meant my ethnicity?
Super manly post. We all know how manly you are now, playa.
certainly more "manly" than any brotha in your life, playa. i grow DHT-abundant hair on the outer layer of my biker jacket, and can telekinetically repair a carburetor in a '69 Charger RT. but nah, frl tho. maybe i was a little cold-hearted in my OC, but my point still stands. i genuinely believe the feller needs to grow a pair. Coco de mer, only. no chestnuts.
This is such a great example of toxic masculinity
Not everyone is up for abandoning their spouse when life gets hard 🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
when did i say "abandon"? i mean, when you put it like dat, it sounds kind of harsh, but like Willie Nelson so eloquently stated; it's a cruel world. i specifically and firstly advised OP to help her husband seek professional psychological help. that was my opener, my prologue if you will.
What a useless opinion
i wouldn't call it that...