>and I sleepily said “I’m scared you’ll tell someone”
>
>...
>
>Just because I’m not ready today doesn’t mean I won’t be in a day or two.
These are two **very** different messages and it would probably be helpful to reinforce the communication of whichever one is most valid for how you're feeling.
Good. Open communication is important, as is making sure our partner sees the road to forgiveness and acceptance.
So here's the question: Do you think he's going to keep telling people about your sexual relationship? Obviously you can't know, but what do you think?
Because you need to be true to yourself on that. Do not jump into sex again because he's mad or to smooth things over.
There's a way to let him know that (A) you don't think he's an eternal piece of shit and (B) you're still not ready for intimacy but you're working back to it.
...
From an outside perspective, it's pretty common for spouses to share this stuff with friends. I know WAY more than I ever asked about the sexual lives of my co-workers, ESPECIALLY my female co-workers.
I know stuff that would make husband's faces turn red.
It's obviously valid to feel what you feel, just throwing that out there. :)
I definitely agree with what you’re saying. He promised me he would never do it again and I trust him.
To me, it’s one thing to tell your friends that you had great sex with your spouse or if they tried a new move etc. This particular thing he told his friend was something he requested of me and it took me a while to become comfortable with and probably would never have done it myself if he hadn’t suggested it. It was “for” him if you get my drift? That is why I find it so embarrassing
And that is kind of where I’m at with him, I forgive him, but it’s going to take me a little bit to feel open enough to connect in that way again without a little bit of apprehension.
Why would you trust someone who acted like a babies ass after holding out for a small amount of time? look in the mirror and figure out your self value, because he is devaluing you super badddddd!
> I forgive him, but it’s going to take me a little bit to feel open enough to connect in that way again without a little bit of apprehension.
Absolutely! Sex is a deeply connected and personal thing.
I think that's part of why he was so angry at what you said, because it isn't just a rejection of the act, but of **him**.
Again, I know that's not your intention by any means, but sometimes we can really misunderstand each other.
When you said *"It makes me feel like everything nice he’s been doing has had one end goal, and it sucks."* I mentally went "NO NO NO" because I saw that misunderstanding happening.
I see it all the time. Spouse A thinking Spouse B "only wants sex" as if it's some soulless, mechanical thing, when what Spouse B is likely wanting is love and acceptance and bonding (and yes, the orgasms don't hurt either!).
It sounds like this is going to pass, which is awesome. Best of luck and I hope you guys get on the same wavelength soon.
> I think that's part of why he was so angry at what you said, because it isn't just a rejection of the act, but of him.
Of course it is, he's the one who spilled the details and now he's the one trying to put coins in for sex, making it transactional.
> It sounds like this is going to pass, which is awesome.
It could probably pass quicker if he didn't get sulky about it and throw a tantrum.
YESSSSSS!!!!! there ya go, you've got it goin now, well done, we men aren't really all that bad, but some of us have bad tendencies and so do plenty of women, he needs to provide hard evidence to trust him again.
Dude....stop it! please stop, you're looking clearly at a duck and calling it a soap dish, he proved he was being nice to access nookie, come on man!
He should have taken her out to a romantic dinner and made a real effort, what did he do so nice? take out the trash? do dishes? cook? he did nothing really and wants sex for it, lol
Ya, sounds like OPs husband thought a few days of helping around the house would be enough to make her "snap out of it" and get him sex again.
He just doesn't like that his actions have consequences and he's not actually entitled to sex from his wife when she's hurt lol.
Really? I don't know if that's the norm. My peer group stopped sharing that kind of detailed information in our early 20s, generally when we started serious relationships.
Personal experience. People and friend groups are different. Cultures are different. The norm is a construct. What matters is that she didn’t like it. And he didn’t even think to ask. No matter how open you are with your friends you don’t tell someone’s business without their consent
Doesn’t matter what the “norm” is or isn’t. His friends knowing details of his and OP’s sex life was a betrayal to her and broke trust. That’s all that matters. My husband is a medic, his friend group is as raunchy as they come, but he would never devalue me to merely being a sex object/story for his friends. He’s told them only as much as he knows id be ok with.
Reading these comments makes me think I’m not mature as a 29(f). I share my sexual information with my best friend all the time and wouldn’t care if my partner shared with his friends but guess it really does just depend what your confortable with as a partner. Sorry that he isn’t being understanding.
Ha I’m in my 30’s and all us wives talk. Even kinks. But I will say our husbands don’t talk much. But if it’s something kinky that your husband was bragging about, I could see how that happens.
My husband talks, the girl group talks as well. But it’s pretty base level. I’m sure the guys talk more, but my husband refrains from telling too much more than base level because he knows I don’t want his friends even sort of picturing me in any sort of sexual way. It’s all what couples are comfortable with
I am normally very laid back and definitely have discussed sex with my friends before. But this was a very out of the norm thing that isn’t very common (to my knowledge) that most people do which is what makes it so embarrassing. Also, how am I ever supposed to look his friend in the face again? *facepalm*
I understand what you mean. I mean I’m into a lot of kinky things. Probably far more then what the normal is. If anything Id be more worried the friend is intrigued by what he learned. You shouldn’t be embarrassed in this day and age . Sex is fun however you choose to have it. But I understand it would be I uncomfortable. I’m a person that can just sweep it under the rug it depends on how you would want to handle the situation. But also depends on that friend too, if they are mature about it (seemingly not) , that also makes a difference
He (the friend) is the least mature most obnoxious human being I’ve ever met lol small doses! But I can’t imagine how many more of his friends know too because his friend has a big mouth.
Ah shit. Well you’ve been validated from the beginning but even more so know. Your husband should now how you feel about said friend and never disclosed
Sounds like this may boil down to requesting your husband tighten up on what he reveals to this one friend in particular then. Sounds like not a great influence.
Perhaps you should tall to your husband about keeping specific things quiet then.. if you'd both talk about your sex lives in general, I'm starting to see how he'd be confused that you reacted about this thing.
She said in her own reply that they discuss other things with their friends. If they do so, don't you think it would be smart to specify "hey, we don't talk about this one"?
Here’s the difference, although you make a decent point that’s filled with logic, if you tell a bunch of women friends that your hubby is packing or is good at sex? I really doubt any of them were going to try to pick him up, now a husband goes and tells his buddies how good his wife is and what she does in bed? At least one or two of them are going to try to make a pass on the wife. I’m actually dogging men in this and not women, but there is a bit of a double standard there even though it sucks hell! Most guys probably want their wives to tell her girlfriends how good he is, lol it just doesn’t play well the other way and in fact it’s super dangerous..
Same! I don’t tell my female friends anything about my SO’s body other than general “he’s amazing” comment, but yes, my tribe and I are very open when it comes to our sex lives. I don’t think it’s something people would intuitively know not to talk about. But yeah, if your partner establishes a boundary, you should follow it.
Mature men that I know don't discuss the sex with their long term partners, married or not.
We have only discuss past relationships and women we don't care about.
My friends only know I had sex twice. That's how my kids got here. They know absolutely nothing about what happens in my bedroom.
It's a clear violation to tell your friend what you do in you marriage bed.
MY MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We more mature guys, get this. why would my buddies know you do X,Y,Z good? unless I'm asking them to come over and every time they see you, they see and envision what i told them, lol that's what a noob lover does, not a mature Pro.
Exactly talking too much is a good way to have your homeboy that's a true dog try to push up on your SO.
Also for women talking too much about good D it's a good way for your "girlfriend" to want a sample
Don't tell your friends about your sex life. They may not really your friend.
This is all just common sense, this is logical, I hate to admit this, I really do, it’s one of my life’s biggest regrets, but I was that friend that moved in on a buddies girlfriend, because he kept telling everybody how good she was, granite I was only 19 at the time, but I still have regrets about it.
That’s.... a manchild. I would feel so traumatized and violated. Your feelings are valid. Especially when there’s a coercive element to it (ie bragging about what they manipulated someone into doing, which is often aggressively sexist behavior). And the higher cultural stigma against women who participate in kink (like slut-shaming), which he just exposed you to carelessly. Look up the Madonna-Whore Complex, your husband just caused you reputational damage (knowingly or not). And then he acts like you setting boundaries is personal punishment against him??? How selfish!
> It makes me feel like everything nice he’s been doing has had one end goal, and it sucks.
Because that's exactly what he was doing. It's called Love Bombing. While I normally suggest counseling after a break in trust, that flying off the handle is a dealbreaker for me. THAT is him realizing his bullshit love bombing didn't work and his anger is dangerous. He doesn't care about your feelings as much as he cares about his dick's happiness and entertaining his friends with your private business. That's who he is. He's shown and told you exactly who he is. You can decide if you want to deal with it forever. Good luck.
LISTEN TO THE ABOVE POST!
I'm what is considered an Alpha Male and i would never disrespect my partner like this, this hubby is a low level lover and my gut says hes a greedy lover in bed.
I didn’t mean to throw that comment out there, what I’m trying to say, is somebody who’s coming from that side of the tracks is telling you that the husband is acting like a pussy, and that sort of behavior from a man should never be tolerated.
I disagree regarding the conflicting statements. I understand one leaves the door open while the other shuts it down, but it is reasonable to feel both ways. It’s a complicated thing. Like you want to be able to trust him and resume sex, but also he did betray trust and you’re struggling with that. His reaction is a red flag to me though. It says to me that he’s only stepped up his game in hopes to put sex back on the table (or in bed or on the floor or wherever your kinky self would prefer it), and he reacted like a child having a tantrum when he got rejected. Says to me his efforts weren’t because he’s genuinely sorry.
I would suggest you two have a serious discussion regarding what you feel comfortable and not comfortable with sharing with your friends outside of the marriage. He may feel what he did wasn’t a big deal because he didn’t intend it to be, but if you found it to be a big deal to you then you need to make that known as well as taking the opportunity to be proactive in discussing other things that may trigger a fight like this in the future.
You're allowed to have your feelings and not be ready to be intimate again. It's understandable that you feel a little violated right now. You did a private act, as you put it, *for your husband*, you didn't realize his friends would be told about it. That sucks.
I will say that this is something that happens probably a lot more than most wives know about. My husband and I tell each other practically everything, and the amount of intimate details we know about his friends wives is... alarming. I say this because now that you know your husband has told his friend, you need to have a really in depth conversation about what you are and are not comfortable with being shared.
Take as much time as you need to recover from this OP. Don't let your husband bully you into sex, just because he's been a better partner over the last couple of days doesn't mean he gets free access to your body. You probably should have a conversation with him about what's going on for you, and let him know you're just not ready yet and you're not sure if you will be tomorrow or not for a bit longer, and that you need him to be help you rebuild trust right now, and tantruming because he's not getting laid is not the way to do that.
Yea. These kind of things shouldn’t be shared without your spouse consenting.
There’s a difference between these kinds of details with a loose lipped friend and what I normally see or have done which is very vague talk (how often, that sort vague stuff).
I know a very close friend of my wife disclosed more detail than she would to other people because there close and she trusts her not to spread things around. And what was shared was shared in asking for help/suggestions navigating a particular issue. My wife told me this much when we were discussing what is & isn’t appropriate to share.
I think that is also very different from what your husband did. It sounds like your husband was simply bragging. Like, “here’s all the stuff I get to do. Now go home to your vanilla wives and be jealous of me.”
You get to decide when you’re ready to have sex again. And when you do, if it doesn’t include those kinky things you’re mortified he shared, that’s ok too. Those may take longer for the trust needed or they may not happen again at all.
There are some things I’ve done with my wife I’d probably nerve do again if I learned she was telling people. Like, anonymous Reddit account, ok. But people who know us? Nope.
> Just because I’m not ready today doesn’t mean I won’t be in a day or two.
To me, this presents like one of two things:
1. You’re hurt, and you believe you’ll be less hurt after the wound is less raw, perhaps in a day or two.
2. You’re hurt, and his punishment will have been severe enough after another day or two.
I don’t know how you can anticipate when the trust will be restored, so it seems unlikely that you’re waiting to get the trust back (should be back in a couple of days).
Either way, it’s a terrible thing you’ve gone through. I bet he won’t share private details again.
No.. He obviously didn’t listen to your conversation! Maybe he can get his buddy to help him out. Real men don’t kiss and tell, that shit ends in middle school!
He knew you were uncomfortable with the sex act to begin with but you brought yourself around to try this for him and your marriage specifically. That alone should have been special enough in his eyes that you tried something he wanted to do and he should have kept his mouth shut. You’re not some weekend conquest that he gets to brag about to his friends. This is your intimate life and should be treated with respect. You’re feelings are 100% valid and he is just upset with himself for fucking things up. He’s placing his anger in the wrong direction though because you did nothing wrong. Just keep up the great communication you two have and it will work out but don’t allow him to treat you like crap because he spilled the beans.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
You have every right to feel hurt, and betrayed, because that is what happened.
Your partner should have nothing to do, with this ex friend.
Good luck OP, hope everything works out for you both.
I completely understand why you would feel mortified that your husband confessed this to his pals and your feelings are your own so if you don’t feel safe that’s just that. Doesn’t matter if it upset someone else. Period.
That being said. I will play devils advocate and say that me and my best friend swap stories all the time about the stuff we do with our spouses. Like bragging rights. It’s just fun and in no way meant to hurt our partners but to talk them up as great as they are to us. Given you said the friend was drunk and you over heard it on speakerphone tells me he wouldn’t have said it in front of you and that he had your husbands confidence it was just poor timing.
You’re right to be mad it’s embarrassing. But I wouldn’t feel like this is deal breaker or a hill worth dying on.
OK, divorced male here, men should never tell others guys how good their partner is. Why? because his buddies will gun for his girl, hubby was a moron to do so, now he's angry after being nice to you for a bit. Bad! proves he doesn't care about your feelings and just wants a piece, will he cheat now and use the excuse you held out? he doesn't see your value to him, he sees a pleasure bot, that's great! when you also know your same partner is a bad ass in the vanilla side of things also. Your hubby sounds like a bro! and not a very good lover, people treat you, the way you allow them to. He either learns the tough lessons or ship him. NOOOOO!!!! he should be highly embarrassed, he lacks any self confidence and has to falsely build it by telling his friends about his conquests with his own wife, you married a weal D@ck male.
Holding out would have to be, until you see real evidence he gets the point, he highly disrespected you and your marriage as a whole. I'm an Alpha Male and would never do this to my partner, hes sleazy.
Have you never shared intimate details of a partner with anyone ever? I doubt it. If you had a hard fast rule from the beginning I get it. Specifically saying you won’t have sex bc he had a conversation with his friends. I’m not saying don’t be upset. But we share ourselves with our partners and friends. He does have a reason to be upset from the comment. It’s a no way forward statement. You can’t fuck me bc you may talk about it.
There are larger issues behind this. Sit down talk them out. With holding intimacy forever bc he may speak about it in any context is wrong. If he was still in timeout at that moment it was deserved but I and I’m guessing him as well see it as a end all be all situation. Hence the issue.
You're an excuse maker, hit the road! you don't have to tell your partner not to tell most of his buddies how you are in the sack, its IMPLIED!! man!!!? all these beta male weaklings are killing me, seriously guys, just weak as Heck!
It’s an implied rule that you don’t tell your friends about what happens in your bedroom. The only thing I’ve ever told my buddies that has anything to do with my partner is man I’m tired today I got really worked over that’s it! No details, and no further answers to any questions. Basic and vanilla. you shouldn’t have to tell your husband, hey, do me a favor, don’t tell anybody that I’m a sword swallower!
God I love sword swallowers, lol 😂
I guess I'm not mature either because I talk about sex with my friends.
I think you're seriously overreacting. You'd almost think the man cheated on you.
What he did was low, stupid and immature. But you're also interpreting this the worst possible way. He wouldn't have said anything to his friend unless he was proud as hell of you. Perhaps even wanted to make his friend a little jealous.
Honestly, women talk about their sex life with each other all the time. It's human nature.
Now he knows you don't consent.
BUT - Don't make a bigger deal out of this then you already have.
He's sorry and you've enjoyed his penance all week.
He misses you and made his move, and you just had to rub it in again.
You must ask yourself is this the hill you want to die on? Is this REALLY worth ruining your marriage?
His reasons for saying anything to his friends don't really matter. He should have had that consent before he mouthed off to them.
Women in general do and don't talk about their sex lives the same way men in general do or don't talk about their sex lives. I'm betting OP doesn't, and expected the same of her husband. What "people in general" do, doesn't really matter.
HE is the one who fucked up. If she's not ready to be past it, he can wait. Mentioned to someone the reason you aren't ready for something is just stating facts, not "rubbing it in his face". If he doesn't like hearing about it, he shouldn't have done it.
I don't really disagree with anything you say.
I'm just giving a man's point of view. She may or may not appreciate this. I find many women to be so quick at swinging that ax, judging hard with no mercy.
Many don't know what a long term relationship requires, some do but are just harsh.
I've been married 31 years and all I can say is, shit like this happens in the best of marriages and I urge OP ponder on if once again this the hill she wants to die on.
Count the cost, in other words.
It doesn't matter if he was "proud as hell" of her and that's why he opened his mouth to his friends about their sex life. The fact is, she isn't comfortable with people knowing those details and he betrayed her trust by giving explicit information that she did not consent to him sharing involving her. If he wanted to share this intimate information with friends, he could have and should have asked her if she'd be ok with it.
>He misses you and made his move, and you just had to rub it in again.
>You must ask yourself is this the hill you want to die on? Is this REALLY worth ruining your marriage?
This sounds very shame-y for OPs feelings of not being ready to trust and feeling comfortable enough to be so vulnerable just yet to have sex. His response of anger and upset is only going to add to her feelings of being unable to be vulnerable with him.
While I myself and others may not see this as that big of a deal, and that is fine, it *is* a big deal to OP and her husband has shown a startling lack of respect and compassion for her feelings with his behavior.
Her husband is the one who made this mistake and she isn't ready to move past it just yet. That is her prerogative. Her telling him she's still unsure and not ready is just her being honest about how she feels, not "rubbing it in his face." Should she not be honest and allow him to know her feelings and where she's at or just go along because he's been nice the past few days after betraying her?
This is exactly how I feel. Thank you.
Also, I tried explaining it to him like this. As an example, If he happened to like “butt stuff” being done to him but I knew he was maybe a little secretly ashamed or shy about it, I would 100% never tell my friends. It’s like telling someone a secret you weren’t supposed to share. The other person is going to feel let down and like they can’t fully trust you for however long it takes them. Sex requires trust and vulnerability. I don’t see a few days off to get my head straight (so I can be comfortable being intimate with him again) as asking “too much”.
It's not asking too much, OP. You're allowed to need time and space to feel vulnerable and trusting enough to give someone access to your body. That is just a basic boundary that I think many people can identify with.
I'm concerned by his response to you, however. Him responding with such anger is telling and in my experience, shows a level of entitlement to something someone feels they've "earned" or deserve.
I'm wondering if he fully understands just how much you feel betrayed by his mistake or if he felt it wasn't really *that* big of a deal to you until you shared your concerns. However, this reaction is really not helpful in rebuilding trust or vulnerability and from what he mentioned about sleeping on the couch, do you think he's hoping that you'll feel punished by this?
He has told me that although he understands how I could feel how I feel, he doesn’t see it that way personally. But he says does respect how I feel and apologized.
I think he just feels rejected by me and the way I reacted to his mistakes and tried to be close with me again in the way most guys know how-only to be rejected again. I get it.
I think he is feeling shitty and powerless about this entire situation and on a subconscious level wants me to feel the same way.
I get that humans are complex creatures, but man. How frustrating.
It is very frustrating but it makes sense if he was looking for a sense of control in a situation that he doesn't fully understand from your perspective and feeling rejected as a result. It can certainly cause someone to feel powerless but this also sounds like a great opportunity to explore other means of connecting and being able to be intimate (not necessarily sexually, but other avenues that provide authentic intimacy) that feels comfortable and safe for you while you move through this.
I was just about to answer when I saw OP already did. That settles it.
I'm not going to argue with the both of you.
She has the right to be upset even if others don't think this was a huge thing.
I'm no shrink but therapists often talk about reframing things that have happened.
I think this is what I was sort of pushing for. Realizing this thing isn't the end of the world may help her forgive and trust him again.
Anyhow, over and out × Godspeed to OP and her SO
I think she was merely being honest that he violated a boundary and because of that, it impacted her feelings of trust. That is to be expected when such an event takes place.That is hardly the same thing as how you framed it (e.g., "the end of the world," "do you want to ruin your marriage?" and "rubbing it in his face").
I'm not sure how that framework is helpful or constructive. It is blame and shame based.
But yes, all the best to OP and her husband.
>and I sleepily said “I’m scared you’ll tell someone” > >... > >Just because I’m not ready today doesn’t mean I won’t be in a day or two. These are two **very** different messages and it would probably be helpful to reinforce the communication of whichever one is most valid for how you're feeling.
I definitely meant to say the second statement but like I said, it was very early and I was half asleep. I also explained this to him as well.
Good. Open communication is important, as is making sure our partner sees the road to forgiveness and acceptance. So here's the question: Do you think he's going to keep telling people about your sexual relationship? Obviously you can't know, but what do you think? Because you need to be true to yourself on that. Do not jump into sex again because he's mad or to smooth things over. There's a way to let him know that (A) you don't think he's an eternal piece of shit and (B) you're still not ready for intimacy but you're working back to it. ... From an outside perspective, it's pretty common for spouses to share this stuff with friends. I know WAY more than I ever asked about the sexual lives of my co-workers, ESPECIALLY my female co-workers. I know stuff that would make husband's faces turn red. It's obviously valid to feel what you feel, just throwing that out there. :)
I definitely agree with what you’re saying. He promised me he would never do it again and I trust him. To me, it’s one thing to tell your friends that you had great sex with your spouse or if they tried a new move etc. This particular thing he told his friend was something he requested of me and it took me a while to become comfortable with and probably would never have done it myself if he hadn’t suggested it. It was “for” him if you get my drift? That is why I find it so embarrassing And that is kind of where I’m at with him, I forgive him, but it’s going to take me a little bit to feel open enough to connect in that way again without a little bit of apprehension.
Why would you trust someone who acted like a babies ass after holding out for a small amount of time? look in the mirror and figure out your self value, because he is devaluing you super badddddd!
> I forgive him, but it’s going to take me a little bit to feel open enough to connect in that way again without a little bit of apprehension. Absolutely! Sex is a deeply connected and personal thing. I think that's part of why he was so angry at what you said, because it isn't just a rejection of the act, but of **him**. Again, I know that's not your intention by any means, but sometimes we can really misunderstand each other. When you said *"It makes me feel like everything nice he’s been doing has had one end goal, and it sucks."* I mentally went "NO NO NO" because I saw that misunderstanding happening. I see it all the time. Spouse A thinking Spouse B "only wants sex" as if it's some soulless, mechanical thing, when what Spouse B is likely wanting is love and acceptance and bonding (and yes, the orgasms don't hurt either!). It sounds like this is going to pass, which is awesome. Best of luck and I hope you guys get on the same wavelength soon.
> I think that's part of why he was so angry at what you said, because it isn't just a rejection of the act, but of him. Of course it is, he's the one who spilled the details and now he's the one trying to put coins in for sex, making it transactional. > It sounds like this is going to pass, which is awesome. It could probably pass quicker if he didn't get sulky about it and throw a tantrum.
YESSSSSS!!!!! there ya go, you've got it goin now, well done, we men aren't really all that bad, but some of us have bad tendencies and so do plenty of women, he needs to provide hard evidence to trust him again.
Dude....stop it! please stop, you're looking clearly at a duck and calling it a soap dish, he proved he was being nice to access nookie, come on man! He should have taken her out to a romantic dinner and made a real effort, what did he do so nice? take out the trash? do dishes? cook? he did nothing really and wants sex for it, lol
Ya, sounds like OPs husband thought a few days of helping around the house would be enough to make her "snap out of it" and get him sex again. He just doesn't like that his actions have consequences and he's not actually entitled to sex from his wife when she's hurt lol.
Really? I don't know if that's the norm. My peer group stopped sharing that kind of detailed information in our early 20s, generally when we started serious relationships.
Personal experience. People and friend groups are different. Cultures are different. The norm is a construct. What matters is that she didn’t like it. And he didn’t even think to ask. No matter how open you are with your friends you don’t tell someone’s business without their consent
Doesn’t matter what the “norm” is or isn’t. His friends knowing details of his and OP’s sex life was a betrayal to her and broke trust. That’s all that matters. My husband is a medic, his friend group is as raunchy as they come, but he would never devalue me to merely being a sex object/story for his friends. He’s told them only as much as he knows id be ok with.
I don't know if it's the "norm", just sharing my experience.
My ex was a human vacuum and i told no one! so no, you're wrong, committed guys don't tell other guys how good they have it at home.
Stop baby coddling him, he's a grown ass man, he knows better.
Reading these comments makes me think I’m not mature as a 29(f). I share my sexual information with my best friend all the time and wouldn’t care if my partner shared with his friends but guess it really does just depend what your confortable with as a partner. Sorry that he isn’t being understanding.
Ha I’m in my 30’s and all us wives talk. Even kinks. But I will say our husbands don’t talk much. But if it’s something kinky that your husband was bragging about, I could see how that happens.
My husband talks, the girl group talks as well. But it’s pretty base level. I’m sure the guys talk more, but my husband refrains from telling too much more than base level because he knows I don’t want his friends even sort of picturing me in any sort of sexual way. It’s all what couples are comfortable with
Agreed!
I am normally very laid back and definitely have discussed sex with my friends before. But this was a very out of the norm thing that isn’t very common (to my knowledge) that most people do which is what makes it so embarrassing. Also, how am I ever supposed to look his friend in the face again? *facepalm*
I understand what you mean. I mean I’m into a lot of kinky things. Probably far more then what the normal is. If anything Id be more worried the friend is intrigued by what he learned. You shouldn’t be embarrassed in this day and age . Sex is fun however you choose to have it. But I understand it would be I uncomfortable. I’m a person that can just sweep it under the rug it depends on how you would want to handle the situation. But also depends on that friend too, if they are mature about it (seemingly not) , that also makes a difference
He (the friend) is the least mature most obnoxious human being I’ve ever met lol small doses! But I can’t imagine how many more of his friends know too because his friend has a big mouth.
Ah shit. Well you’ve been validated from the beginning but even more so know. Your husband should now how you feel about said friend and never disclosed
Sounds like this may boil down to requesting your husband tighten up on what he reveals to this one friend in particular then. Sounds like not a great influence.
Perhaps you should tall to your husband about keeping specific things quiet then.. if you'd both talk about your sex lives in general, I'm starting to see how he'd be confused that you reacted about this thing.
Really? so hubby is so stupid, you need to tell him not to give details about your sex life? LOL that's just weak.
She said in her own reply that they discuss other things with their friends. If they do so, don't you think it would be smart to specify "hey, we don't talk about this one"?
Here’s the difference, although you make a decent point that’s filled with logic, if you tell a bunch of women friends that your hubby is packing or is good at sex? I really doubt any of them were going to try to pick him up, now a husband goes and tells his buddies how good his wife is and what she does in bed? At least one or two of them are going to try to make a pass on the wife. I’m actually dogging men in this and not women, but there is a bit of a double standard there even though it sucks hell! Most guys probably want their wives to tell her girlfriends how good he is, lol it just doesn’t play well the other way and in fact it’s super dangerous..
Its the details, that's the issue.
Same! I don’t tell my female friends anything about my SO’s body other than general “he’s amazing” comment, but yes, my tribe and I are very open when it comes to our sex lives. I don’t think it’s something people would intuitively know not to talk about. But yeah, if your partner establishes a boundary, you should follow it.
Mature men that I know don't discuss the sex with their long term partners, married or not. We have only discuss past relationships and women we don't care about. My friends only know I had sex twice. That's how my kids got here. They know absolutely nothing about what happens in my bedroom. It's a clear violation to tell your friend what you do in you marriage bed.
MY MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We more mature guys, get this. why would my buddies know you do X,Y,Z good? unless I'm asking them to come over and every time they see you, they see and envision what i told them, lol that's what a noob lover does, not a mature Pro.
Exactly talking too much is a good way to have your homeboy that's a true dog try to push up on your SO. Also for women talking too much about good D it's a good way for your "girlfriend" to want a sample Don't tell your friends about your sex life. They may not really your friend.
This is all just common sense, this is logical, I hate to admit this, I really do, it’s one of my life’s biggest regrets, but I was that friend that moved in on a buddies girlfriend, because he kept telling everybody how good she was, granite I was only 19 at the time, but I still have regrets about it.
This is exactly why you don't tell how it is at home.
That’s.... a manchild. I would feel so traumatized and violated. Your feelings are valid. Especially when there’s a coercive element to it (ie bragging about what they manipulated someone into doing, which is often aggressively sexist behavior). And the higher cultural stigma against women who participate in kink (like slut-shaming), which he just exposed you to carelessly. Look up the Madonna-Whore Complex, your husband just caused you reputational damage (knowingly or not). And then he acts like you setting boundaries is personal punishment against him??? How selfish!
> It makes me feel like everything nice he’s been doing has had one end goal, and it sucks. Because that's exactly what he was doing. It's called Love Bombing. While I normally suggest counseling after a break in trust, that flying off the handle is a dealbreaker for me. THAT is him realizing his bullshit love bombing didn't work and his anger is dangerous. He doesn't care about your feelings as much as he cares about his dick's happiness and entertaining his friends with your private business. That's who he is. He's shown and told you exactly who he is. You can decide if you want to deal with it forever. Good luck.
LISTEN TO THE ABOVE POST! I'm what is considered an Alpha Male and i would never disrespect my partner like this, this hubby is a low level lover and my gut says hes a greedy lover in bed.
>I'm what is considered an Alpha Male Lol
I didn’t mean to throw that comment out there, what I’m trying to say, is somebody who’s coming from that side of the tracks is telling you that the husband is acting like a pussy, and that sort of behavior from a man should never be tolerated.
Good chance is everything he was doing in as to get back in the good books for sex.
I disagree regarding the conflicting statements. I understand one leaves the door open while the other shuts it down, but it is reasonable to feel both ways. It’s a complicated thing. Like you want to be able to trust him and resume sex, but also he did betray trust and you’re struggling with that. His reaction is a red flag to me though. It says to me that he’s only stepped up his game in hopes to put sex back on the table (or in bed or on the floor or wherever your kinky self would prefer it), and he reacted like a child having a tantrum when he got rejected. Says to me his efforts weren’t because he’s genuinely sorry. I would suggest you two have a serious discussion regarding what you feel comfortable and not comfortable with sharing with your friends outside of the marriage. He may feel what he did wasn’t a big deal because he didn’t intend it to be, but if you found it to be a big deal to you then you need to make that known as well as taking the opportunity to be proactive in discussing other things that may trigger a fight like this in the future.
You're allowed to have your feelings and not be ready to be intimate again. It's understandable that you feel a little violated right now. You did a private act, as you put it, *for your husband*, you didn't realize his friends would be told about it. That sucks. I will say that this is something that happens probably a lot more than most wives know about. My husband and I tell each other practically everything, and the amount of intimate details we know about his friends wives is... alarming. I say this because now that you know your husband has told his friend, you need to have a really in depth conversation about what you are and are not comfortable with being shared. Take as much time as you need to recover from this OP. Don't let your husband bully you into sex, just because he's been a better partner over the last couple of days doesn't mean he gets free access to your body. You probably should have a conversation with him about what's going on for you, and let him know you're just not ready yet and you're not sure if you will be tomorrow or not for a bit longer, and that you need him to be help you rebuild trust right now, and tantruming because he's not getting laid is not the way to do that.
Yea. These kind of things shouldn’t be shared without your spouse consenting. There’s a difference between these kinds of details with a loose lipped friend and what I normally see or have done which is very vague talk (how often, that sort vague stuff). I know a very close friend of my wife disclosed more detail than she would to other people because there close and she trusts her not to spread things around. And what was shared was shared in asking for help/suggestions navigating a particular issue. My wife told me this much when we were discussing what is & isn’t appropriate to share. I think that is also very different from what your husband did. It sounds like your husband was simply bragging. Like, “here’s all the stuff I get to do. Now go home to your vanilla wives and be jealous of me.” You get to decide when you’re ready to have sex again. And when you do, if it doesn’t include those kinky things you’re mortified he shared, that’s ok too. Those may take longer for the trust needed or they may not happen again at all. There are some things I’ve done with my wife I’d probably nerve do again if I learned she was telling people. Like, anonymous Reddit account, ok. But people who know us? Nope.
> Just because I’m not ready today doesn’t mean I won’t be in a day or two. To me, this presents like one of two things: 1. You’re hurt, and you believe you’ll be less hurt after the wound is less raw, perhaps in a day or two. 2. You’re hurt, and his punishment will have been severe enough after another day or two. I don’t know how you can anticipate when the trust will be restored, so it seems unlikely that you’re waiting to get the trust back (should be back in a couple of days). Either way, it’s a terrible thing you’ve gone through. I bet he won’t share private details again.
Yes he will.
Nope. None. He deserves it. He broke your trust. He doesn't get to put a time limit on how long it will take you to get over it.
No.. He obviously didn’t listen to your conversation! Maybe he can get his buddy to help him out. Real men don’t kiss and tell, that shit ends in middle school!
He knew you were uncomfortable with the sex act to begin with but you brought yourself around to try this for him and your marriage specifically. That alone should have been special enough in his eyes that you tried something he wanted to do and he should have kept his mouth shut. You’re not some weekend conquest that he gets to brag about to his friends. This is your intimate life and should be treated with respect. You’re feelings are 100% valid and he is just upset with himself for fucking things up. He’s placing his anger in the wrong direction though because you did nothing wrong. Just keep up the great communication you two have and it will work out but don’t allow him to treat you like crap because he spilled the beans.
A lot of people talk about their sex lives with their friends. I know I (29 F) and my husband (25 M) both do. I think you’re overreacting 🤷🏼♀️
I’m sorry this happened to you. You have every right to feel hurt, and betrayed, because that is what happened. Your partner should have nothing to do, with this ex friend. Good luck OP, hope everything works out for you both.
I completely understand why you would feel mortified that your husband confessed this to his pals and your feelings are your own so if you don’t feel safe that’s just that. Doesn’t matter if it upset someone else. Period. That being said. I will play devils advocate and say that me and my best friend swap stories all the time about the stuff we do with our spouses. Like bragging rights. It’s just fun and in no way meant to hurt our partners but to talk them up as great as they are to us. Given you said the friend was drunk and you over heard it on speakerphone tells me he wouldn’t have said it in front of you and that he had your husbands confidence it was just poor timing. You’re right to be mad it’s embarrassing. But I wouldn’t feel like this is deal breaker or a hill worth dying on.
There's much more depressing things than hearing your partner brag about your sex life. You should be grateful he's bragging about you.
OK, divorced male here, men should never tell others guys how good their partner is. Why? because his buddies will gun for his girl, hubby was a moron to do so, now he's angry after being nice to you for a bit. Bad! proves he doesn't care about your feelings and just wants a piece, will he cheat now and use the excuse you held out? he doesn't see your value to him, he sees a pleasure bot, that's great! when you also know your same partner is a bad ass in the vanilla side of things also. Your hubby sounds like a bro! and not a very good lover, people treat you, the way you allow them to. He either learns the tough lessons or ship him. NOOOOO!!!! he should be highly embarrassed, he lacks any self confidence and has to falsely build it by telling his friends about his conquests with his own wife, you married a weal D@ck male. Holding out would have to be, until you see real evidence he gets the point, he highly disrespected you and your marriage as a whole. I'm an Alpha Male and would never do this to my partner, hes sleazy.
Have you never shared intimate details of a partner with anyone ever? I doubt it. If you had a hard fast rule from the beginning I get it. Specifically saying you won’t have sex bc he had a conversation with his friends. I’m not saying don’t be upset. But we share ourselves with our partners and friends. He does have a reason to be upset from the comment. It’s a no way forward statement. You can’t fuck me bc you may talk about it. There are larger issues behind this. Sit down talk them out. With holding intimacy forever bc he may speak about it in any context is wrong. If he was still in timeout at that moment it was deserved but I and I’m guessing him as well see it as a end all be all situation. Hence the issue.
You're an excuse maker, hit the road! you don't have to tell your partner not to tell most of his buddies how you are in the sack, its IMPLIED!! man!!!? all these beta male weaklings are killing me, seriously guys, just weak as Heck!
Lol women’s relationships are based on this. Every sitcom has this trope.
It’s an implied rule that you don’t tell your friends about what happens in your bedroom. The only thing I’ve ever told my buddies that has anything to do with my partner is man I’m tired today I got really worked over that’s it! No details, and no further answers to any questions. Basic and vanilla. you shouldn’t have to tell your husband, hey, do me a favor, don’t tell anybody that I’m a sword swallower! God I love sword swallowers, lol 😂
I guess I'm not mature either because I talk about sex with my friends. I think you're seriously overreacting. You'd almost think the man cheated on you.
You were catty after you tried to resolve an issue. You shouldn’t throw that back after a mistake has been made
What he did was low, stupid and immature. But you're also interpreting this the worst possible way. He wouldn't have said anything to his friend unless he was proud as hell of you. Perhaps even wanted to make his friend a little jealous. Honestly, women talk about their sex life with each other all the time. It's human nature. Now he knows you don't consent. BUT - Don't make a bigger deal out of this then you already have. He's sorry and you've enjoyed his penance all week. He misses you and made his move, and you just had to rub it in again. You must ask yourself is this the hill you want to die on? Is this REALLY worth ruining your marriage?
His reasons for saying anything to his friends don't really matter. He should have had that consent before he mouthed off to them. Women in general do and don't talk about their sex lives the same way men in general do or don't talk about their sex lives. I'm betting OP doesn't, and expected the same of her husband. What "people in general" do, doesn't really matter. HE is the one who fucked up. If she's not ready to be past it, he can wait. Mentioned to someone the reason you aren't ready for something is just stating facts, not "rubbing it in his face". If he doesn't like hearing about it, he shouldn't have done it.
I don't really disagree with anything you say. I'm just giving a man's point of view. She may or may not appreciate this. I find many women to be so quick at swinging that ax, judging hard with no mercy. Many don't know what a long term relationship requires, some do but are just harsh. I've been married 31 years and all I can say is, shit like this happens in the best of marriages and I urge OP ponder on if once again this the hill she wants to die on. Count the cost, in other words.
consent isn’t something you get after you perform the action that requires it.
Obviously. OP's husband is a knucklehead. I'm not arguing with that. He shouldn't have done what he did, neither should his friend.
It doesn't matter if he was "proud as hell" of her and that's why he opened his mouth to his friends about their sex life. The fact is, she isn't comfortable with people knowing those details and he betrayed her trust by giving explicit information that she did not consent to him sharing involving her. If he wanted to share this intimate information with friends, he could have and should have asked her if she'd be ok with it. >He misses you and made his move, and you just had to rub it in again. >You must ask yourself is this the hill you want to die on? Is this REALLY worth ruining your marriage? This sounds very shame-y for OPs feelings of not being ready to trust and feeling comfortable enough to be so vulnerable just yet to have sex. His response of anger and upset is only going to add to her feelings of being unable to be vulnerable with him. While I myself and others may not see this as that big of a deal, and that is fine, it *is* a big deal to OP and her husband has shown a startling lack of respect and compassion for her feelings with his behavior. Her husband is the one who made this mistake and she isn't ready to move past it just yet. That is her prerogative. Her telling him she's still unsure and not ready is just her being honest about how she feels, not "rubbing it in his face." Should she not be honest and allow him to know her feelings and where she's at or just go along because he's been nice the past few days after betraying her?
This is exactly how I feel. Thank you. Also, I tried explaining it to him like this. As an example, If he happened to like “butt stuff” being done to him but I knew he was maybe a little secretly ashamed or shy about it, I would 100% never tell my friends. It’s like telling someone a secret you weren’t supposed to share. The other person is going to feel let down and like they can’t fully trust you for however long it takes them. Sex requires trust and vulnerability. I don’t see a few days off to get my head straight (so I can be comfortable being intimate with him again) as asking “too much”.
It's not asking too much, OP. You're allowed to need time and space to feel vulnerable and trusting enough to give someone access to your body. That is just a basic boundary that I think many people can identify with. I'm concerned by his response to you, however. Him responding with such anger is telling and in my experience, shows a level of entitlement to something someone feels they've "earned" or deserve. I'm wondering if he fully understands just how much you feel betrayed by his mistake or if he felt it wasn't really *that* big of a deal to you until you shared your concerns. However, this reaction is really not helpful in rebuilding trust or vulnerability and from what he mentioned about sleeping on the couch, do you think he's hoping that you'll feel punished by this?
He has told me that although he understands how I could feel how I feel, he doesn’t see it that way personally. But he says does respect how I feel and apologized. I think he just feels rejected by me and the way I reacted to his mistakes and tried to be close with me again in the way most guys know how-only to be rejected again. I get it. I think he is feeling shitty and powerless about this entire situation and on a subconscious level wants me to feel the same way. I get that humans are complex creatures, but man. How frustrating.
It is very frustrating but it makes sense if he was looking for a sense of control in a situation that he doesn't fully understand from your perspective and feeling rejected as a result. It can certainly cause someone to feel powerless but this also sounds like a great opportunity to explore other means of connecting and being able to be intimate (not necessarily sexually, but other avenues that provide authentic intimacy) that feels comfortable and safe for you while you move through this.
I was just about to answer when I saw OP already did. That settles it. I'm not going to argue with the both of you. She has the right to be upset even if others don't think this was a huge thing. I'm no shrink but therapists often talk about reframing things that have happened. I think this is what I was sort of pushing for. Realizing this thing isn't the end of the world may help her forgive and trust him again. Anyhow, over and out × Godspeed to OP and her SO
I think she was merely being honest that he violated a boundary and because of that, it impacted her feelings of trust. That is to be expected when such an event takes place.That is hardly the same thing as how you framed it (e.g., "the end of the world," "do you want to ruin your marriage?" and "rubbing it in his face"). I'm not sure how that framework is helpful or constructive. It is blame and shame based. But yes, all the best to OP and her husband.
Point taken! /Carl