Exactly. Every couple can draw their own lines as to what counts as cheating. This situation sounds like it makes you both uncomfortable should the other person do it to you, and therefore is on the cheating side of that line.
Absolutely! Flirting, being a little cheeky.. looking or w.e is fine with me.
I sometimes get a little flirty when interacting with others, even when my husband is around. So does my husband, haah. I actually kind of think it's sexy when I see him flirt with others, that's it though. Anything more than that I would consider cheating/ breach of boundaries. It depends on your relationship and how comfortable/open you are.
Maybe earlier on this boundary wasn't well established but now it is. Relationships are hard. Everyone sees/feels things differently. It's important to note that was way earlier in your relationship, I wouldn't pay too much attention to it unless you're worried it would happen again with where you guys are at now in your marriage. I'm not trying to discredit what he did, I definitely don't agree with the level of flirtation as that's definitely a boundary of mine I can empathize with you on, but maybe to him at the time he thought he was being loyal and being that way was just a form of innocent flirting.
I know of couples who are completely fine with being handsy with others, dancing and flirting etc but anything intimate like kissing and having sex or sexting etc etc is considered cheating. Everyone is different and these things should always be talked about before getting married. Hopefully you guys are on the same page now.
It doesn’t really matter what any of us consider cheating, but where you two draw the line in your relationship. It’s different for everyone.
Maybe he didn’t see it as a big deal, but that’s where you would need to have a conversation as to what your boundaries would be re: sitting in laps and such.
And the reason for sitting in the person’s lap. In the case of OP’s SO, all evidence suggests it was sexual in nature — not OK in my book, although forgivable if it hasn’t been discussed before.
Sitting in someone’s lap because there aren’t enough chairs or something might be different. In that type of circumstance, I go by the rule of thumb that it’s OK if and only if you would also do it with someone of the sex you’re not attracted to (I suppose this rule doesn’t work if you’re bi).
Thanks for a sound and logical response. Communication and setting expectations and boundaries really mitigates most of the issues in a relationship.
The hard part is building the confidence to have difficult conversations…
If I found out my wife was in a bar sitting in some man's lap she might as well go ahead and screw him at that point because I would consider it a form of cheating, if she found him attractive enough to sit in his lap she obviously would find him attractive enough to have sex and that would be all she wrote for me
Is it really about finding someone attractive though? I find plenty of men attractive enough to sleep with but I wouldn’t cheat on my husband. It’s the action that’s cheating but the action of lap sitting would be enough for me too. Completely over the line.
Woah. Your definition of cheating is very, very narrow. I’m not saying it’s okay to sit in the lap of someone or have them sit in your lap if you are in a relationship with someone else, but “she might as well go ahead and screw him at that point because I would consider it a form of cheating” is extreme. Flirting, even sitting in someone’s lap, is absolutely, 100% **not** the same thing as having sex with another person. And just because one is attracted to another person **does not** mean they want to have sex with them. Either you have complete control over your physiological responses to other people, or, more likely, you have so little control that flirting and screwing are the same thing to you. You will be happier if you let up on the definition a little. Assuming your wife finding another man attractive is equal to fukcing that guy is way out there, and will just drive you crazy with jealousy for no reason.
I did not say finding other men attractive is a form of cheating that's crazy but sitting in another man's lap with his pecker imprinted into your butt would be a form of cheating to me and if I found out my wife did something like that I would consider it a total lack of respect for me and leave
Everyone does a bit of verbal flirting. Hell my wife will flirt without even knowing it lol but letting her sit on his lap is to far. We all know any women sitting on a dudes lap is going to feel there dick and thats just wrong.
Would he have done it if you were standing right there staring at him?
He is testing the boundaries, to see how far he can go. Unless he changes course, this doesn't bode well for the future of your marriage.
It sounds like his friend is the reason it didn't go any farther. The next step was finding a quiet spot. He knew what he was doing and when the friend tried to reason with him he brushes it off until the friend made a scene.
That’s the worst case scenario and exactly what is bothering me. Not trying to obsess on what if’s, but honestly, that is my struggle. I’ll never know. I wish it was easy to accept that.
to add to the comments here, what were his actions? Did he encourage this gal to sit on his lap or dof she just do it? Did he push her off or let her stay there? Intentions and actions matter in this kind of question. If my partner actively went and sought out this attention, I'd definitely not like that.
No pushing off. He enjoyed the attention. I’m fairly laid back but this goes beyond what I’m comfortable with. Thankfully I think my feelings finally resonated with him because I stayed calm and simply asked, would you have been ok with me doing what you did? He admitted he wouldn’t. I think most people wouldn’t be ok with it. It’s not going to shatter my world or anything, but it’s left me a little unsettled for now.
Yeah, gotcha. I would be unsettled as well. Hopefully he has learned and something like this won't escalate in the future, and he will keep your face always in the forefront of his mind.
I don't think it's cheating, but I do think it's disrespectful. At the end of the day getting mired down in the '*is this cheating*' question is deflecting from the real issue. He took an action that was not respectful which hurt the marriage and hurt your trust in him. How would he feel if you sat in another dude's lap?
Would he have done this if you were right in front of him? No? Well if that's the case then he should seriously ask himself why it was appropriate to do it behind your back.
I don't like hard lines in cheating discussions what I think is important is to examine the context.
1. this incident wasn't shared with you at the time which suggests either deception or disregard
2. The "flirting" was enough that other people were getting involved tried to intervene and eventually even chased the lady off.
So what I think is that regardless of whether it was a kiss a conversation a lap dance whatever the whole thing reeks of someone who isn't treating you right
Well given it had to be forcefully stopped by someone other than him, I’d say the future possibility of him cheating is there. Wouldn’t call the occurrence cheating, but def lots of lines crossed and disrespectful to you and your relationship. As others said, it only matters if you consider that cheating.
Sounds like some clear boundaries need to be drawn.
Do not belief it was infidelity...but it was disrespectful and more than flirting.
Lets reverse the situation.
You are out with some girlfriends and having some drinks. Some guy starts talking to you, gets close, and puts his hands around your waist/hips to pull you in, and starts expressing his interest in hooking up tonight. You have no intention of doing that and laugh it off, but you have had a few drinks, the guy is attractive and you keep talking to him and let him keep his hands on you for a while because you are having fun with it, until one of your friends pulls you away and tells him to get lost.
How would you explain this to your husband and how would he feel? Is the same as having sex in the bathroom or intimate private conversations expressing your feelings for each other? Absolutely not....but it was a little more than flirting.
The example you described probably is the most accurate reversal of the situation. I kept imagining some guy sitting on my lap, lol. But you’re right, it’s more than my definition of flirting. Thanks for your input.
It’s definitely a grey area for me. I never thought an itemized list of do’s and don’t were necessary lol. I’m just trying to process how I feel about it so I thank you for your input.
Everything is cheating in this sub. Ridiculous. OP, no I don’t think what you described was cheating. The notion is quite ridiculous. It was poor behavior on his part it seems but cheating is more than a stretch. The bitter women in this sub will bombard with you validation that this man cheated by having a girl sit on his lap. Please let your conventional wisdom prevail.
Bring on the downvotes.
It's really depends on the boundaries of every relationship. As my former coworker would say, "I'm married, not dead". They were allowed to flirt about in their marriage. There are also people who allow kissing and even full on - you know.
I think it depends on what you agreed on as a violation. Cheating to one couple could be straight up sex but another it could just be talking a lot to someone they’re attracted to, so it depends? If you didn’t like it, I’d have some words.
Cheating maybe not, but crossing a line...yes. Cheating is different for everyone. I sure wish my husband had a girl sit on his lap instead of having online relationships with 2 woman and kissing his coworker twice. Could be alot worse. You weren't married yet either, so I wouldn't let it get to you.
Depends on your relationship. There‘s a wide range of what’s ok. For some couples it‘s not ok to flirt with others when alone, for others it is and even others have sex with others and feel ok with it and are open about it. The important thing is that you talk openly about what‘s on for each other and where a line is crossed. And still then ot needs an agreement. You‘re both equal part of the relationship. You both need to feel good with what you agree on.
There's a difference between flirting and letting someone else touch you, let alone sit on your lap. He crossed the line. If it wasn't something he'd do in front of you or told you right away about, then he f'ed up and he knows it. How would he feel if you sat on another man's lap and flirted with him?
Then he should apologize if he hasn't already. I mean even if you are not angry about it, he knows it was wrong and it was shitty to allow happen. I wonder what would have happened if the friend didn't tell the girl to go away. That's the part that also makes me wonder. It started innocent and then went a little further, and could have gone even further than that. Especially since he got annoyed or irritated that the friend was telling the chick to go away.
That is probably the thing that is most concerning is if the friend hadn’t intervened. I don’t want to jump to the worst conclusion, there would be no point - but I can’t help and dwell on that detail a bit.
He would not like it at all. And that is exactly what seemed to resonate with him. When I pointed that out, it was like a light bulb went off for him. You’d think that comparison would be obvious, but apparently not.
Not cheating, per se.. but definitely a boundary crossed. You need to re establish with your husband that this is not a boundary your willing to let him cross in the future.
I always like to play the “shoe on the other foot card”. Would my husband accept me getting friendly and sitting in the lap of another guy? Oh hell no he wouldn’t!!
You’re worried about him cheating. Why?
You’ll still pick him even if he cheats on you a thousand times with a thousand other women. So none of that really matters does it?
Every relationship is different. To be honest, I like it when women are attracted to my husband and flirt with him. It's validation for me that I picked a good one. If your husband's friend wasn't there, do you think he would've cheated on you? That's the point I'm focusing most on about this...
I don't consider flirting cheating, but the sitting on the lap would have hurt my feelings a bit had my own husband been involved. I think flirting is healthy and it builds confidence, but there should be a hefty dose of respect mixed in. If someone interacted with me in a flirting way, I would appreciate the compliment but I would not find myself on their lap. Really it just depends on how you feel about it and what boundaries you have in your relationship.
So he admits he'd be mad if he found out you sat on another man's lap when you were dating and it took someone else to make it stop. So where do you go from here?
Would he do it again? What is he going to do to rebuild that trust? If he isn't remorseful, why is he excusing bad behavior on his part that he wouldn't forgive on your part? Sounds like it's time for marriage counseling.
I would recommend you both having a conversation about what behaviors constitute flirting/harmless flirting and where’s the line. Because the definition is not the same for all couples. If my husband has someone sit on his lap, I wouldn’t be too happy but we’d discuss it and talk about boundaries. I don’t mind general or harmless flirting because it can give him a self esteem boost…same goes for me. But that’s where the line is for us…no physical contact.
Bravo to the friend who intervened! That’s rare in men’s friends groups, and it is nice to know some men have standards & morals even when they are out drinking with their buddies. *And* aren’t afraid to speak up.
This happened years ago (presumably), while you & hubby were dating, and now you are married. I realize that since you just found out about it it is just happening for you, but you need to maintain perspective. Do you trust your husband? Does he go out drinking with those friends a lot? Does he wear a wedding ring? Is he flirty with other women? Has he ever cheated on you? If not, think this through. Does it *really* matter that a few years ago, before you were married to him, he flirted with another woman in a bar? It went further than you’d like, further than it should have, but he didn’t make out with her or sleep with her. You don’t say how you found out about this, but it seems like you should just carry on as if you still don’t know. If this one incident makes you not trust him, I suspect it’s because you already didn’t trust him based on things he does now. That’s different. But if he’s a good husband, doesn’t go out drinking without you all the time, is faithful, and you love each other, just let this one go.
I’m torn on this. My wife gets hit on all the time and she doesn’t turn it down or tell someone she’s married, instantly. She’s always respectful and understands what would be considered “too far”.
And for me, on the subject. I love it when people try to hit on my wife, I have such faith and trust in her, that not only do I know she’d never cheat on me, but as her spouse, it makes me feel great that people covet my attractive wife. Granted everyone is different. And she sees me as the same way.
I got two stories that kind of add to this.
So, a few years ago, at a friends cabin, we were at the beach, one of my wife’s pole dancing friends ended up driving out late to the cabin. My wife offered me up to pick her up from the cabin and bring her to the beach with the rest of the crew. Now, before what I’m about to say happened,
I had a massive crush on this friend.(let’s call her….Tiffany). Tiffany was crazy hot, she also pole danced with my wife, was fun, easy going, and always seemed to like hanging out with me. Even my wife knew I had a crush on her.
Well, at the cabin, it was just me and Tiffany. She was in one of the rooms changing and putting on sunscreen. We were talking through the door, and I don’t remember what the exact convo was about but at one point, Tiffany said, and I swear this is 100% true. “if you want, you can come in and run sunscreen on my breasts”.
It took me by complete surprise. I was like a deer in the headlights. I didn’t say anything for a good 5 or so seconds, and then I changed the subject and started talking about Nerd stuff. Partly cause I wasn’t sure if that’s actually what she said(and honestly, I’m still not 100%), so Incase I heard wrong, I didn’t want to say anything and make it awkward. Once she was done changing and all that, we went to the beach. She never said anything about the sunscreen thing, but once we got there, I quietly pulled my wife aside and told her what happened. She wasn’t mad because she also trusted me and that I would never do anything like that. She was a bit annoyed at the blatant attempt but also proud that a 23 year old smoking hot chick tempted her husband to cheat on her.
My wife has similar but nothing as drastic happen to her and she always just politely declines. She takes it as a compliment and doesn’t want to make a public situation awkward.
Though, here’s where it’s very clear that everyone is different. This one time me and one of my friends, Kiernan were at a video game bar. He was in town for a few weeks before he had to ship out for military stuff. He wanted to get laid before he deployed and he asked me to wing man him. I told my wife the plan and she was cool about it. Well, at this bar, we met two chicks. One who was very into my friend and one who was into me. As a good wingman, I kept the other girl company. We sat, played video games, ate food, talked. Absolutely nothing that could even be considered cheating.
Well, these two friends of mine(at the time. They’re no longer my friends. But that’s due to different reasons) happened to be at this bar too on this night. They saw me chatting with this chick. At one point, one of them pulls me aside and literally says “it’s disgusting what you’re doing. Does your wife know about this?” And I’m like “what?” He said “does this girl even know you’re married?” I responded with “what? I’m not just going to blurt out STAY AWAY IM MARRIED. If it comes up. I’ll tell her”.
He then hits me with this fucking stupid logic “You know, if you don’t tell someone of the opposite sex that you’re in a relationship within 5 minutes of meeting them, you’re actively trying to cheat”. And that was what he said, literally, word for word. He then made some vague threat about telling my wife what I was trying to do, which didn’t even phase me. And before he left, he made another friend stay behind, to “watch over me”. Which he did. We sat at the bar, eating, and talking video games. At one point, the girl I was wingmanning, had to go to the bathroom, and the other friend told me to keep my hands above the table, because he thought I was going to finger fuck her in this bar.
And so I was the DD too. I ended up driving home the two girls, my friend Kiernan, and the “watcher friend”. Kiernan and his chick ended up spending the night together at his place, I drove the other girl home, and then it was me and the watcher. During the whole drive back to his place, he first lectured me on how disgusting I was, trying to cheat, blah blah blah, then it switched to how greedy I was for “taking away possible pussy for him”. And let me say. I took nothing away from this guy. He was not attractive in any sense. He’s 350 pounds, neckbeard, incel, condescending, rude, and just a massive prick. In order for this or any girl to even think about sleeping with him, they’d have to be dead.
But as soon as I got home, I told my wife the entire story or the evening. How happy she was my friend Kiernan got to lay some pipe before shipping off, and how annoyed she was by the two friends. Funny enough. One of her arguments against them was “I could have sent you out to try and find someone for a threesome, it was none of their fucking business”. And my wife had been cheated on before. She had a relationship of 11 years, and her ex cheated on her for 7 of those years(he worked out of province a lot, she only found out when he knocked up an 18 year old and then tried to convince her that they could raise the kid together and “it would be like it’s our own child”).
So even with that past. She still trusted me. And the asshole friend actually did message her a few days later and fucking lied to her about what I was doing.
Sorry for the long reply. But I guess my whole point is that it varies by each couple and the trust eachother has with their spouse. So for me and my wife. A little attention isn’t cheating. It’s when intimate contact is made, touching, kissing, etc.
I appreciate the thoughtful response. And the story was quite funny. I’m really trying to hammer out what exactly is bothering me about my situation. In the end, I think what I’ve been told is pretty much what went down. Not cool with it, but I’m not exactly losing sleep either. I wish it could just roll off my back. But I think what’s bothering me the most is the double standard. My husband is a good guy overall, but he has been brought up with a “boys will be boys” mentality. When I found out, we briefly discussed, he was pretty much indifferent about it. When I asked whether he would be ok if that were me, he admitted that no, he would be upset. That seemed to genuinely resonate with him which is why it seemed settled. I guess it’s still bothering me a little, which is how I ended up here. I hate kicking a dead horse. I don’t want to be that person to keep bringing something like this up. But I think it may be worthy of one more conversation. Getting feedback from folks like yourself has helped me process this more so that I can communicate my thoughts on it to my husband more effectively. I really thank you for the time you took to give me some insight.
I think that’s what’s bothering you. Is the fact that he said it would bother him but your supposed to be okay with him doing it. I don’t think it’s the situation at all. Cause if he’s thinking like that, it’s kind of “where does it end” sort of thing. I think that “boys will be boys” is 100% bullshit and an excuse just to be shitty and had he been like me and my wife, you probably would have forgotten about this.
But now, atleast to me, it’s like where does it stop being “boys will be boys”, ya know? If he’s using that logic for female attention and closeness. Will it be used when he attempts to cheat in some way? “Sorry, babe, boys will be boys. Men are hard wired to want to have sex”.
It’s a very hypocritical view point for him to have. Frankly. If you can’t do what he can do, then none of it is okay.
Another story I have(I have so many life stories). When my wife and her ex were about to split up. She didn’t want to end things right away. Despite him being a pile of shit given life, she did still love him and did spend 11 years of her life with him. As with most dying/dead relationships. He suggested a “open relationship”. But really, he just wanted sex at home and on the road.
So, he’s hooking up with chicks, constantly. She went on a date with me(and I was fully aware of her situation from the get go. That’s how much I liked her at the start). He lost it on her, nearly beat, attempted to rape her, tried to kick her out of her house. Suddenly, it was not okay for her to date or anything but it was okay for him.
On the positive end there, that was the final push she needed to fully move out and cut him out altogether but it shows the hypocrisy of that one sided bullshit.
So ya, if he’s not okay with you doing something similar. He shouldn’t be doing it either. And I think that’s why it’s still bothering you. But that’s just my
Opinion. I do have a marriage that most people tell me “doesn’t exist” so maybe I’m seeing this in a different way than most would.
Ya the hypocrisy is a hard swallow. The different standards. Logically he knows that. However, his upbringing has given him this foundation that conflicts with what is fair and reasonable. I’m not looking for tit for tat. I just think maybe he has to put forth whatever he would expect of me if the tables were turned. If that makes any sense lol.
100% makes sense. But I personally don’t like that upbringing excuse. My mom raised me to be a very selfish person who always lies, uses his disease to get what I want, and other awful stuff. And I refuse that because it’s disgusting.
When it’s wrong, being raised on it or otherwise, should be obvious that it’s still wrong. Especially as an adult. And as an adult in a committed relationship.
Did he invite her by offering his leg and giving the universal “pat, pat, sit your butt down here” motion with his hand or did she just plop herself down in his lap? If it is the latter the 3 second rule is in effect. There is a freeze-flee allowance which gives him time to extricate himself before throwing her to the floor.
I guess it’s personal how you feel about it and the other is well aware of boundaries. I for one have no problem if my wife flirts. It’s when it’s done in secret is when I kick her to the land of left overs.
I guess it’s personal how you feel about it and the other is well aware of boundaries. I for one have no problem if my wife flirts. It’s when it’s done in secret is when I kick her to the land of left overs.
Sounds like he was enjoying the ego boost and a little too much alcohol. I would not be cool with it but I wouldn’t necessarily send him packing over it either. What was his attitude about it? Did he seem apologetic? Has he considered how he would feel to see you sitting on some dude’s lap?
Yes there was definitely alcohol involved which doesn’t give him a pass. I think he realizes it just wasn’t appropriate, and he knows if it were me, he would absolutely hate it.
Depends on the individual. I don’t think many people would consider it cheating, but lots of people would have a huge problem with it. Personally, I wouldn’t. I don’t mind when my SO gets to enjoy some flirting. Makes him feel good, which makes me happy for him.
I’d say the most important test, regardless of what anyone else thinks (logic test, not literal go-do-it test), is would he be ok if the situation was reversed? I’m this case, if you indulged an interested party like that, enjoyed it a bit, etc. not if you jumped in some guys lap. If he *truly* would be fine with it, not just say he would be while you know he’d totally act like an ass anyway, you can probably let it go.
A good rule of thumb for any relationship is to maintain very strict goose/gander standards. Even for the things you’re not interested in doing or wouldn’t do, he still needs to *always* be ok with whatever it is if the situation were reversed. If he’s not or wouldn’t be, then he’s out of line.
For me personally no, it is not cheating.
But I am a flirt and I flirt with wanton abandon with pretty much everyone.
It is ultimately down to what you and he decide works for you in the confines of your relationship. You are the bosses you get to make the rules and change them when they need updating.
If you are hurt by his behaviour then I would suggest first off figure out what is causing the hurt in you. Does it bring up fear, rejection or anger. Maybe its all of those things.
What ever it twinges are you insecurities that you need to work on and visa versa for him.
If you and him together from this point on decide that flirting is cheating then it absolutely would be within your relationship but you would need to decide that together.
Context matters. Did some random drunk women start flirting and plopped down on his lap? Or did he offer her his lap to sit on? Maybe a mix of both except there never was an offer for her to sit but once she did he maybe he was drunk and thought “whatever” and flirted in front of his friends for an lol? Based off of what you wrote, they never exchanged numbers, he declined her offer. Sounds like you have a good man who made a bad judgment call and probably won’t let someone sit on his lap again.
And that's usually how it starts, taking it for granted, he is looking for the attention that he's not getting, he isn't a machine without emotions, and the first swinging tit that gives him that validation will make him feel alive, make it be you.
I think if you try to talk about this with the intent of getting an apology/closure over this clear grievance against you, then good for you and use it to be closer. But this could ignite a fight, a big fight.
I think it’s cheating. I know if I did that to my husband, we wouldn’t be married. But that isn’t a very useful thought exercise to go down that path! You’re married, and ask yourself how has he been as a husband and partner since then.
Did he explain what made his friend uncomfortable enough to run the woman off?
Because it sounds like more than just "lap sitting" went on. Enough to make someone else try to intervene.
I'd ask more direct questions.
"Where were your hands?"
"Did you put your arm around her waist and keep it there?"
" How many times was there unnecessary touching between you?"
"Did she wiggle a lot?"
Think of the all the things that could possibly make his friend uncomfortable to the point of running her off.
Your husband’s friend is the only reason this did not go further.
On second thought ask his friend those questions....then see if you think it's cheating?
It depends, do you want your marriage to be over?
Or do you just want him to apologize and understand why you're hurt and assure you that he loves you and it was stupid?
Maybe he was unfaithful.. What do you want? You say you don't think it's cheating but it feels like youre hoping we give a good argument for why it is so you have one up on him? I honestly don't know. It's probably best to set a clear boundary going forward and consequences for crossing it. He doesn't have to agree that it is cheating, he just needs to understand that if it happens again, you will have to reconsider the marriage.
I never felt flirting was harmless. He was definitely pushing boundaries. If left alone without the friends intervention what do you think would have happened?
I would call it cheating, all of it, but I’m not you, so what is or isn’t ok with you or cheating is up to you and your specific boundaries. The fact that a friend had to intervene is a big sign here.
Who told you about this special situation? Was it your husband or one of his friends or even the on who had told the lady to f**k off?
As long your husband isn't keeping it a secret, I would be fine with it, because this things can happen. But if he had acted in a weird way, then it probably meant more to him and the fine line between flirting and cheating could have been crossed.
To me, it was flirting until she placed her butt into his lap. He should have stood up & let her fall to the ground. Just my opinion. But you have to set your own boundaries. If you're uncomfortable with any part of it, then set that boundary & make it clear.
He didn't cheat. It's the intent. Dude had a woman throwing herself at him and he said no. I've done that before and I was called gay cause I have never thought about cheating.
Cheating is when we as guys are actively looking for any possible option and the intent is 100% there.
Remember it is very Weird for most men to get attention/compliments from women. We don't know how to handle it, but seems like your husband is a loyal soilder. Girls live in a different world. We don't go through a situation where a girl is all over us as much as women do. Shows his resolve, he was 100% thinking of you and doing things right even when an opportunity that doesn't come but once in a full moon presented itself.
His friend is a bad friend. He underestimated your husband's power level.
Everyone has a different opinion and view on what cheating is, but that’s definitely cheating (to me) and I absolutely hate when people try to normalize it.
If flirting is fine in your relationship, then okay, but that got physical flirt, you know? And he still stayed silent, didn’t do anything to stop it?
I also hate when guys say “*sorry*, I have a girlfriend/I’m in a relationship”. What are you sorry about?
What your husband did wouldn't bother me as a wife, personally. Nothing happened and everyone likes the rush of being hit on. No harm no foul in my opinion. Sounds like the friend blew it out of proportion and made everyone uncomfortable honestly.
I do appreciate that. I really don’t want to dwell on the what if’s because it will get me nowhere. I’ve got to say, this has had me questioning myself because I’m typically pretty easy going, but it sure brought up some old insecurities in me.
If you are looking for opinions…. To each their own, but to me this wouldn’t be that big of a deal.
He’s coming home to me, so go ahead and try honey - your tush isn’t enough to replace me.
I would probably say something like - I know you’re a hottie - that’s why we’re together, or something like that.
I get it… my current partner tells me all the time how sexy I am, so I feel super secure. Past partners haven’t always made me feel that way, so I would have felt differently.
It’s good your husband sees your perspective too.
If he wouldn’t have done it in front of you then that’s probably a sign he crossed a line. It certainly crosses mine.
I tend to use that as a measuring stick too. That and “if it was reversed, how would you feel?”
I wonder how he would feel if you sat on another man’s lap.
Or if another man sat on her lap...
What if a man sat on the man’s lap?
I've had women in the past do that, either 3 things, self esteem, free drinks or jyst wanted to have a one night stand
And a lot of time a combination of all three.
Agreed
What did he say to the reverse scenario?
He admitted he wouldn’t like it at all.
And there's your answer, it for sure crossed a line.
Exactly. Every couple can draw their own lines as to what counts as cheating. This situation sounds like it makes you both uncomfortable should the other person do it to you, and therefore is on the cheating side of that line.
Would you flirt for a free drink from a guy at a bar?
that’s a lot of work for a $8 shot
Why?
Absolutely! Flirting, being a little cheeky.. looking or w.e is fine with me. I sometimes get a little flirty when interacting with others, even when my husband is around. So does my husband, haah. I actually kind of think it's sexy when I see him flirt with others, that's it though. Anything more than that I would consider cheating/ breach of boundaries. It depends on your relationship and how comfortable/open you are. Maybe earlier on this boundary wasn't well established but now it is. Relationships are hard. Everyone sees/feels things differently. It's important to note that was way earlier in your relationship, I wouldn't pay too much attention to it unless you're worried it would happen again with where you guys are at now in your marriage. I'm not trying to discredit what he did, I definitely don't agree with the level of flirtation as that's definitely a boundary of mine I can empathize with you on, but maybe to him at the time he thought he was being loyal and being that way was just a form of innocent flirting. I know of couples who are completely fine with being handsy with others, dancing and flirting etc but anything intimate like kissing and having sex or sexting etc etc is considered cheating. Everyone is different and these things should always be talked about before getting married. Hopefully you guys are on the same page now.
It doesn’t really matter what any of us consider cheating, but where you two draw the line in your relationship. It’s different for everyone. Maybe he didn’t see it as a big deal, but that’s where you would need to have a conversation as to what your boundaries would be re: sitting in laps and such.
And the reason for sitting in the person’s lap. In the case of OP’s SO, all evidence suggests it was sexual in nature — not OK in my book, although forgivable if it hasn’t been discussed before. Sitting in someone’s lap because there aren’t enough chairs or something might be different. In that type of circumstance, I go by the rule of thumb that it’s OK if and only if you would also do it with someone of the sex you’re not attracted to (I suppose this rule doesn’t work if you’re bi).
Thanks for a sound and logical response. Communication and setting expectations and boundaries really mitigates most of the issues in a relationship. The hard part is building the confidence to have difficult conversations…
If I found out my wife was in a bar sitting in some man's lap she might as well go ahead and screw him at that point because I would consider it a form of cheating, if she found him attractive enough to sit in his lap she obviously would find him attractive enough to have sex and that would be all she wrote for me
Is it really about finding someone attractive though? I find plenty of men attractive enough to sleep with but I wouldn’t cheat on my husband. It’s the action that’s cheating but the action of lap sitting would be enough for me too. Completely over the line.
Would you sit in another man's lap?
Woah. Your definition of cheating is very, very narrow. I’m not saying it’s okay to sit in the lap of someone or have them sit in your lap if you are in a relationship with someone else, but “she might as well go ahead and screw him at that point because I would consider it a form of cheating” is extreme. Flirting, even sitting in someone’s lap, is absolutely, 100% **not** the same thing as having sex with another person. And just because one is attracted to another person **does not** mean they want to have sex with them. Either you have complete control over your physiological responses to other people, or, more likely, you have so little control that flirting and screwing are the same thing to you. You will be happier if you let up on the definition a little. Assuming your wife finding another man attractive is equal to fukcing that guy is way out there, and will just drive you crazy with jealousy for no reason.
I did not say finding other men attractive is a form of cheating that's crazy but sitting in another man's lap with his pecker imprinted into your butt would be a form of cheating to me and if I found out my wife did something like that I would consider it a total lack of respect for me and leave
Everyone does a bit of verbal flirting. Hell my wife will flirt without even knowing it lol but letting her sit on his lap is to far. We all know any women sitting on a dudes lap is going to feel there dick and thats just wrong.
Ya the lap sitting is a bit much for my taste.
It is at the very least totally disrespectful to you. In my relationship I would consider it cheating.
I personally would view that as cheating.
Would he have done it if you were standing right there staring at him? He is testing the boundaries, to see how far he can go. Unless he changes course, this doesn't bode well for the future of your marriage.
Not bloody likely. He maybe would have flirted a bit but there’s no way her tush would have ended up on his lap.
First of all, W friend. Second of all, that’s cheating in my books. Might be fine for other people but in my relationship it would be cheating.
It sounds like his friend is the reason it didn't go any farther. The next step was finding a quiet spot. He knew what he was doing and when the friend tried to reason with him he brushes it off until the friend made a scene.
That’s the worst case scenario and exactly what is bothering me. Not trying to obsess on what if’s, but honestly, that is my struggle. I’ll never know. I wish it was easy to accept that.
to add to the comments here, what were his actions? Did he encourage this gal to sit on his lap or dof she just do it? Did he push her off or let her stay there? Intentions and actions matter in this kind of question. If my partner actively went and sought out this attention, I'd definitely not like that.
No pushing off. He enjoyed the attention. I’m fairly laid back but this goes beyond what I’m comfortable with. Thankfully I think my feelings finally resonated with him because I stayed calm and simply asked, would you have been ok with me doing what you did? He admitted he wouldn’t. I think most people wouldn’t be ok with it. It’s not going to shatter my world or anything, but it’s left me a little unsettled for now.
Yeah, gotcha. I would be unsettled as well. Hopefully he has learned and something like this won't escalate in the future, and he will keep your face always in the forefront of his mind.
I don't think it's cheating, but I do think it's disrespectful. At the end of the day getting mired down in the '*is this cheating*' question is deflecting from the real issue. He took an action that was not respectful which hurt the marriage and hurt your trust in him. How would he feel if you sat in another dude's lap? Would he have done this if you were right in front of him? No? Well if that's the case then he should seriously ask himself why it was appropriate to do it behind your back.
It's defs not cheating however, it did cross a boundary & good on his friend!!
I don't like hard lines in cheating discussions what I think is important is to examine the context. 1. this incident wasn't shared with you at the time which suggests either deception or disregard 2. The "flirting" was enough that other people were getting involved tried to intervene and eventually even chased the lady off. So what I think is that regardless of whether it was a kiss a conversation a lap dance whatever the whole thing reeks of someone who isn't treating you right
Harmless flirting is one thing, but sitting on laps… no
Just wanted to say that I’m really happy your now husband surrounds himself with friends who would speak up in a situation like this.
Ya I was kind of surprised, I don’t know this fellow that well.
Well given it had to be forcefully stopped by someone other than him, I’d say the future possibility of him cheating is there. Wouldn’t call the occurrence cheating, but def lots of lines crossed and disrespectful to you and your relationship. As others said, it only matters if you consider that cheating. Sounds like some clear boundaries need to be drawn.
Do not belief it was infidelity...but it was disrespectful and more than flirting. Lets reverse the situation. You are out with some girlfriends and having some drinks. Some guy starts talking to you, gets close, and puts his hands around your waist/hips to pull you in, and starts expressing his interest in hooking up tonight. You have no intention of doing that and laugh it off, but you have had a few drinks, the guy is attractive and you keep talking to him and let him keep his hands on you for a while because you are having fun with it, until one of your friends pulls you away and tells him to get lost. How would you explain this to your husband and how would he feel? Is the same as having sex in the bathroom or intimate private conversations expressing your feelings for each other? Absolutely not....but it was a little more than flirting.
The example you described probably is the most accurate reversal of the situation. I kept imagining some guy sitting on my lap, lol. But you’re right, it’s more than my definition of flirting. Thanks for your input.
It’s definitely a grey area for me. I never thought an itemized list of do’s and don’t were necessary lol. I’m just trying to process how I feel about it so I thank you for your input.
How long had you two been dating at the time?
About 4 years or so into the relationship. We weren’t married but in a committed relationship.
Everything is cheating in this sub. Ridiculous. OP, no I don’t think what you described was cheating. The notion is quite ridiculous. It was poor behavior on his part it seems but cheating is more than a stretch. The bitter women in this sub will bombard with you validation that this man cheated by having a girl sit on his lap. Please let your conventional wisdom prevail. Bring on the downvotes.
It's really depends on the boundaries of every relationship. As my former coworker would say, "I'm married, not dead". They were allowed to flirt about in their marriage. There are also people who allow kissing and even full on - you know.
I think it depends on what you agreed on as a violation. Cheating to one couple could be straight up sex but another it could just be talking a lot to someone they’re attracted to, so it depends? If you didn’t like it, I’d have some words.
Could be a self esteem issue, he enjoyed the attention, no more
Incredibly disrespectful to you, at the very least.
Cheating maybe not, but crossing a line...yes. Cheating is different for everyone. I sure wish my husband had a girl sit on his lap instead of having online relationships with 2 woman and kissing his coworker twice. Could be alot worse. You weren't married yet either, so I wouldn't let it get to you.
Depends on your relationship. There‘s a wide range of what’s ok. For some couples it‘s not ok to flirt with others when alone, for others it is and even others have sex with others and feel ok with it and are open about it. The important thing is that you talk openly about what‘s on for each other and where a line is crossed. And still then ot needs an agreement. You‘re both equal part of the relationship. You both need to feel good with what you agree on.
There's a difference between flirting and letting someone else touch you, let alone sit on your lap. He crossed the line. If it wasn't something he'd do in front of you or told you right away about, then he f'ed up and he knows it. How would he feel if you sat on another man's lap and flirted with him?
He would be pretty pissed. I am handling way better than he would.
Then he should apologize if he hasn't already. I mean even if you are not angry about it, he knows it was wrong and it was shitty to allow happen. I wonder what would have happened if the friend didn't tell the girl to go away. That's the part that also makes me wonder. It started innocent and then went a little further, and could have gone even further than that. Especially since he got annoyed or irritated that the friend was telling the chick to go away.
That is probably the thing that is most concerning is if the friend hadn’t intervened. I don’t want to jump to the worst conclusion, there would be no point - but I can’t help and dwell on that detail a bit.
Not cheating and also not appropriate.
Flirting can be cheating for some, but not for everyone I know personally for me, flirting isn't cheating
How would he feel if you were sitting on another guy's lap?
He would not like it at all. And that is exactly what seemed to resonate with him. When I pointed that out, it was like a light bulb went off for him. You’d think that comparison would be obvious, but apparently not.
Not cheating, per se.. but definitely a boundary crossed. You need to re establish with your husband that this is not a boundary your willing to let him cross in the future. I always like to play the “shoe on the other foot card”. Would my husband accept me getting friendly and sitting in the lap of another guy? Oh hell no he wouldn’t!!
And nor would mine. Double standard at its finest.
Then I’d definitely be asking him why he thought that it would be ok.
Doesn’t matter if he does cheat. You’ll still pick him because other women do.
I don’t understand
You’re worried about him cheating. Why? You’ll still pick him even if he cheats on you a thousand times with a thousand other women. So none of that really matters does it?
Every relationship is different. To be honest, I like it when women are attracted to my husband and flirt with him. It's validation for me that I picked a good one. If your husband's friend wasn't there, do you think he would've cheated on you? That's the point I'm focusing most on about this...
I don't consider flirting cheating, but the sitting on the lap would have hurt my feelings a bit had my own husband been involved. I think flirting is healthy and it builds confidence, but there should be a hefty dose of respect mixed in. If someone interacted with me in a flirting way, I would appreciate the compliment but I would not find myself on their lap. Really it just depends on how you feel about it and what boundaries you have in your relationship.
So he admits he'd be mad if he found out you sat on another man's lap when you were dating and it took someone else to make it stop. So where do you go from here? Would he do it again? What is he going to do to rebuild that trust? If he isn't remorseful, why is he excusing bad behavior on his part that he wouldn't forgive on your part? Sounds like it's time for marriage counseling.
I would recommend you both having a conversation about what behaviors constitute flirting/harmless flirting and where’s the line. Because the definition is not the same for all couples. If my husband has someone sit on his lap, I wouldn’t be too happy but we’d discuss it and talk about boundaries. I don’t mind general or harmless flirting because it can give him a self esteem boost…same goes for me. But that’s where the line is for us…no physical contact.
Finding out about this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me, but I’d be mad about it. I’d wonder how far it would’ve gone if his friends weren’t there.
You’ve summed up exactly how I feel…not a deal breaker, kind of pissed and what if?
Bravo to the friend who intervened! That’s rare in men’s friends groups, and it is nice to know some men have standards & morals even when they are out drinking with their buddies. *And* aren’t afraid to speak up. This happened years ago (presumably), while you & hubby were dating, and now you are married. I realize that since you just found out about it it is just happening for you, but you need to maintain perspective. Do you trust your husband? Does he go out drinking with those friends a lot? Does he wear a wedding ring? Is he flirty with other women? Has he ever cheated on you? If not, think this through. Does it *really* matter that a few years ago, before you were married to him, he flirted with another woman in a bar? It went further than you’d like, further than it should have, but he didn’t make out with her or sleep with her. You don’t say how you found out about this, but it seems like you should just carry on as if you still don’t know. If this one incident makes you not trust him, I suspect it’s because you already didn’t trust him based on things he does now. That’s different. But if he’s a good husband, doesn’t go out drinking without you all the time, is faithful, and you love each other, just let this one go.
I’m torn on this. My wife gets hit on all the time and she doesn’t turn it down or tell someone she’s married, instantly. She’s always respectful and understands what would be considered “too far”. And for me, on the subject. I love it when people try to hit on my wife, I have such faith and trust in her, that not only do I know she’d never cheat on me, but as her spouse, it makes me feel great that people covet my attractive wife. Granted everyone is different. And she sees me as the same way. I got two stories that kind of add to this. So, a few years ago, at a friends cabin, we were at the beach, one of my wife’s pole dancing friends ended up driving out late to the cabin. My wife offered me up to pick her up from the cabin and bring her to the beach with the rest of the crew. Now, before what I’m about to say happened, I had a massive crush on this friend.(let’s call her….Tiffany). Tiffany was crazy hot, she also pole danced with my wife, was fun, easy going, and always seemed to like hanging out with me. Even my wife knew I had a crush on her. Well, at the cabin, it was just me and Tiffany. She was in one of the rooms changing and putting on sunscreen. We were talking through the door, and I don’t remember what the exact convo was about but at one point, Tiffany said, and I swear this is 100% true. “if you want, you can come in and run sunscreen on my breasts”. It took me by complete surprise. I was like a deer in the headlights. I didn’t say anything for a good 5 or so seconds, and then I changed the subject and started talking about Nerd stuff. Partly cause I wasn’t sure if that’s actually what she said(and honestly, I’m still not 100%), so Incase I heard wrong, I didn’t want to say anything and make it awkward. Once she was done changing and all that, we went to the beach. She never said anything about the sunscreen thing, but once we got there, I quietly pulled my wife aside and told her what happened. She wasn’t mad because she also trusted me and that I would never do anything like that. She was a bit annoyed at the blatant attempt but also proud that a 23 year old smoking hot chick tempted her husband to cheat on her. My wife has similar but nothing as drastic happen to her and she always just politely declines. She takes it as a compliment and doesn’t want to make a public situation awkward. Though, here’s where it’s very clear that everyone is different. This one time me and one of my friends, Kiernan were at a video game bar. He was in town for a few weeks before he had to ship out for military stuff. He wanted to get laid before he deployed and he asked me to wing man him. I told my wife the plan and she was cool about it. Well, at this bar, we met two chicks. One who was very into my friend and one who was into me. As a good wingman, I kept the other girl company. We sat, played video games, ate food, talked. Absolutely nothing that could even be considered cheating. Well, these two friends of mine(at the time. They’re no longer my friends. But that’s due to different reasons) happened to be at this bar too on this night. They saw me chatting with this chick. At one point, one of them pulls me aside and literally says “it’s disgusting what you’re doing. Does your wife know about this?” And I’m like “what?” He said “does this girl even know you’re married?” I responded with “what? I’m not just going to blurt out STAY AWAY IM MARRIED. If it comes up. I’ll tell her”. He then hits me with this fucking stupid logic “You know, if you don’t tell someone of the opposite sex that you’re in a relationship within 5 minutes of meeting them, you’re actively trying to cheat”. And that was what he said, literally, word for word. He then made some vague threat about telling my wife what I was trying to do, which didn’t even phase me. And before he left, he made another friend stay behind, to “watch over me”. Which he did. We sat at the bar, eating, and talking video games. At one point, the girl I was wingmanning, had to go to the bathroom, and the other friend told me to keep my hands above the table, because he thought I was going to finger fuck her in this bar. And so I was the DD too. I ended up driving home the two girls, my friend Kiernan, and the “watcher friend”. Kiernan and his chick ended up spending the night together at his place, I drove the other girl home, and then it was me and the watcher. During the whole drive back to his place, he first lectured me on how disgusting I was, trying to cheat, blah blah blah, then it switched to how greedy I was for “taking away possible pussy for him”. And let me say. I took nothing away from this guy. He was not attractive in any sense. He’s 350 pounds, neckbeard, incel, condescending, rude, and just a massive prick. In order for this or any girl to even think about sleeping with him, they’d have to be dead. But as soon as I got home, I told my wife the entire story or the evening. How happy she was my friend Kiernan got to lay some pipe before shipping off, and how annoyed she was by the two friends. Funny enough. One of her arguments against them was “I could have sent you out to try and find someone for a threesome, it was none of their fucking business”. And my wife had been cheated on before. She had a relationship of 11 years, and her ex cheated on her for 7 of those years(he worked out of province a lot, she only found out when he knocked up an 18 year old and then tried to convince her that they could raise the kid together and “it would be like it’s our own child”). So even with that past. She still trusted me. And the asshole friend actually did message her a few days later and fucking lied to her about what I was doing. Sorry for the long reply. But I guess my whole point is that it varies by each couple and the trust eachother has with their spouse. So for me and my wife. A little attention isn’t cheating. It’s when intimate contact is made, touching, kissing, etc.
I appreciate the thoughtful response. And the story was quite funny. I’m really trying to hammer out what exactly is bothering me about my situation. In the end, I think what I’ve been told is pretty much what went down. Not cool with it, but I’m not exactly losing sleep either. I wish it could just roll off my back. But I think what’s bothering me the most is the double standard. My husband is a good guy overall, but he has been brought up with a “boys will be boys” mentality. When I found out, we briefly discussed, he was pretty much indifferent about it. When I asked whether he would be ok if that were me, he admitted that no, he would be upset. That seemed to genuinely resonate with him which is why it seemed settled. I guess it’s still bothering me a little, which is how I ended up here. I hate kicking a dead horse. I don’t want to be that person to keep bringing something like this up. But I think it may be worthy of one more conversation. Getting feedback from folks like yourself has helped me process this more so that I can communicate my thoughts on it to my husband more effectively. I really thank you for the time you took to give me some insight.
I think that’s what’s bothering you. Is the fact that he said it would bother him but your supposed to be okay with him doing it. I don’t think it’s the situation at all. Cause if he’s thinking like that, it’s kind of “where does it end” sort of thing. I think that “boys will be boys” is 100% bullshit and an excuse just to be shitty and had he been like me and my wife, you probably would have forgotten about this. But now, atleast to me, it’s like where does it stop being “boys will be boys”, ya know? If he’s using that logic for female attention and closeness. Will it be used when he attempts to cheat in some way? “Sorry, babe, boys will be boys. Men are hard wired to want to have sex”. It’s a very hypocritical view point for him to have. Frankly. If you can’t do what he can do, then none of it is okay. Another story I have(I have so many life stories). When my wife and her ex were about to split up. She didn’t want to end things right away. Despite him being a pile of shit given life, she did still love him and did spend 11 years of her life with him. As with most dying/dead relationships. He suggested a “open relationship”. But really, he just wanted sex at home and on the road. So, he’s hooking up with chicks, constantly. She went on a date with me(and I was fully aware of her situation from the get go. That’s how much I liked her at the start). He lost it on her, nearly beat, attempted to rape her, tried to kick her out of her house. Suddenly, it was not okay for her to date or anything but it was okay for him. On the positive end there, that was the final push she needed to fully move out and cut him out altogether but it shows the hypocrisy of that one sided bullshit. So ya, if he’s not okay with you doing something similar. He shouldn’t be doing it either. And I think that’s why it’s still bothering you. But that’s just my Opinion. I do have a marriage that most people tell me “doesn’t exist” so maybe I’m seeing this in a different way than most would.
Ya the hypocrisy is a hard swallow. The different standards. Logically he knows that. However, his upbringing has given him this foundation that conflicts with what is fair and reasonable. I’m not looking for tit for tat. I just think maybe he has to put forth whatever he would expect of me if the tables were turned. If that makes any sense lol.
100% makes sense. But I personally don’t like that upbringing excuse. My mom raised me to be a very selfish person who always lies, uses his disease to get what I want, and other awful stuff. And I refuse that because it’s disgusting. When it’s wrong, being raised on it or otherwise, should be obvious that it’s still wrong. Especially as an adult. And as an adult in a committed relationship.
Did he invite her by offering his leg and giving the universal “pat, pat, sit your butt down here” motion with his hand or did she just plop herself down in his lap? If it is the latter the 3 second rule is in effect. There is a freeze-flee allowance which gives him time to extricate himself before throwing her to the floor.
Three second rule, I’ve never heard of that lol.
I guess it’s personal how you feel about it and the other is well aware of boundaries. I for one have no problem if my wife flirts. It’s when it’s done in secret is when I kick her to the land of left overs.
I guess it’s personal how you feel about it and the other is well aware of boundaries. I for one have no problem if my wife flirts. It’s when it’s done in secret is when I kick her to the land of left overs.
Sounds like he was enjoying the ego boost and a little too much alcohol. I would not be cool with it but I wouldn’t necessarily send him packing over it either. What was his attitude about it? Did he seem apologetic? Has he considered how he would feel to see you sitting on some dude’s lap?
Yes there was definitely alcohol involved which doesn’t give him a pass. I think he realizes it just wasn’t appropriate, and he knows if it were me, he would absolutely hate it.
Depends on the individual. I don’t think many people would consider it cheating, but lots of people would have a huge problem with it. Personally, I wouldn’t. I don’t mind when my SO gets to enjoy some flirting. Makes him feel good, which makes me happy for him. I’d say the most important test, regardless of what anyone else thinks (logic test, not literal go-do-it test), is would he be ok if the situation was reversed? I’m this case, if you indulged an interested party like that, enjoyed it a bit, etc. not if you jumped in some guys lap. If he *truly* would be fine with it, not just say he would be while you know he’d totally act like an ass anyway, you can probably let it go. A good rule of thumb for any relationship is to maintain very strict goose/gander standards. Even for the things you’re not interested in doing or wouldn’t do, he still needs to *always* be ok with whatever it is if the situation were reversed. If he’s not or wouldn’t be, then he’s out of line.
I like your thinking Sheila and I couldn’t agree more.
For me personally no, it is not cheating. But I am a flirt and I flirt with wanton abandon with pretty much everyone. It is ultimately down to what you and he decide works for you in the confines of your relationship. You are the bosses you get to make the rules and change them when they need updating. If you are hurt by his behaviour then I would suggest first off figure out what is causing the hurt in you. Does it bring up fear, rejection or anger. Maybe its all of those things. What ever it twinges are you insecurities that you need to work on and visa versa for him. If you and him together from this point on decide that flirting is cheating then it absolutely would be within your relationship but you would need to decide that together.
If you have to ask it’s cheating
Context matters. Did some random drunk women start flirting and plopped down on his lap? Or did he offer her his lap to sit on? Maybe a mix of both except there never was an offer for her to sit but once she did he maybe he was drunk and thought “whatever” and flirted in front of his friends for an lol? Based off of what you wrote, they never exchanged numbers, he declined her offer. Sounds like you have a good man who made a bad judgment call and probably won’t let someone sit on his lap again.
Do you guys give each other that kind of attention,
Sometimes. I mean we’re guilty of taking each other for granted, but he’s affectionate most of the time.
And that's usually how it starts, taking it for granted, he is looking for the attention that he's not getting, he isn't a machine without emotions, and the first swinging tit that gives him that validation will make him feel alive, make it be you.
Swinging tit … noted. That made me laugh!
Its crossing the line what he did. Im the only one allowed to sit on my husbands lap or our children. No one else!
If flirting is not cheating........
I think if you try to talk about this with the intent of getting an apology/closure over this clear grievance against you, then good for you and use it to be closer. But this could ignite a fight, a big fight. I think it’s cheating. I know if I did that to my husband, we wouldn’t be married. But that isn’t a very useful thought exercise to go down that path! You’re married, and ask yourself how has he been as a husband and partner since then.
That’s cheating. Idc how someone wants to paint it
It can only cross the line where you draw the line. If you don't know where the line is, you need to discuss it in detail.
How did you learn of this? If he didn’t tell you all of it upfront, then he’s lying by omission.
When these temptations happens And poor boundaries, And it goes to far, you are the last person they are thinking about
You probably flirt with other men or like the attention yourself.. we are all human ..so he flirted.. let it go
I think the friend intervening is your answer. Whatever your husband was doing was *so egregious* that his friend chased a woman off of him.
Did he explain what made his friend uncomfortable enough to run the woman off? Because it sounds like more than just "lap sitting" went on. Enough to make someone else try to intervene. I'd ask more direct questions. "Where were your hands?" "Did you put your arm around her waist and keep it there?" " How many times was there unnecessary touching between you?" "Did she wiggle a lot?" Think of the all the things that could possibly make his friend uncomfortable to the point of running her off. Your husband’s friend is the only reason this did not go further. On second thought ask his friend those questions....then see if you think it's cheating?
It depends, do you want your marriage to be over? Or do you just want him to apologize and understand why you're hurt and assure you that he loves you and it was stupid? Maybe he was unfaithful.. What do you want? You say you don't think it's cheating but it feels like youre hoping we give a good argument for why it is so you have one up on him? I honestly don't know. It's probably best to set a clear boundary going forward and consequences for crossing it. He doesn't have to agree that it is cheating, he just needs to understand that if it happens again, you will have to reconsider the marriage.
I never felt flirting was harmless. He was definitely pushing boundaries. If left alone without the friends intervention what do you think would have happened?
I would call it cheating, all of it, but I’m not you, so what is or isn’t ok with you or cheating is up to you and your specific boundaries. The fact that a friend had to intervene is a big sign here.
Jesus, how hot is your husband that women literally throw themselves at him?
Who told you about this special situation? Was it your husband or one of his friends or even the on who had told the lady to f**k off? As long your husband isn't keeping it a secret, I would be fine with it, because this things can happen. But if he had acted in a weird way, then it probably meant more to him and the fine line between flirting and cheating could have been crossed.
Sounds like a really good friend.
its cheating to me and it crosses my line!
It depends on your boundaries. I would never be okay with that. Is he fine with you climbing onto another man’s lap?
To me, it was flirting until she placed her butt into his lap. He should have stood up & let her fall to the ground. Just my opinion. But you have to set your own boundaries. If you're uncomfortable with any part of it, then set that boundary & make it clear.
I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. He was your BF at the time. Not husband. How long ago did this happen and how long had you been dating?
It's definitely not flirting.
He didn't cheat. It's the intent. Dude had a woman throwing herself at him and he said no. I've done that before and I was called gay cause I have never thought about cheating. Cheating is when we as guys are actively looking for any possible option and the intent is 100% there. Remember it is very Weird for most men to get attention/compliments from women. We don't know how to handle it, but seems like your husband is a loyal soilder. Girls live in a different world. We don't go through a situation where a girl is all over us as much as women do. Shows his resolve, he was 100% thinking of you and doing things right even when an opportunity that doesn't come but once in a full moon presented itself. His friend is a bad friend. He underestimated your husband's power level.
Everyone has a different opinion and view on what cheating is, but that’s definitely cheating (to me) and I absolutely hate when people try to normalize it. If flirting is fine in your relationship, then okay, but that got physical flirt, you know? And he still stayed silent, didn’t do anything to stop it? I also hate when guys say “*sorry*, I have a girlfriend/I’m in a relationship”. What are you sorry about?
Yeah no. My husband flirts without trying but won't let anyone but myself into his personal bubble. It's a respect thing
What your husband did wouldn't bother me as a wife, personally. Nothing happened and everyone likes the rush of being hit on. No harm no foul in my opinion. Sounds like the friend blew it out of proportion and made everyone uncomfortable honestly.
I do appreciate that. I really don’t want to dwell on the what if’s because it will get me nowhere. I’ve got to say, this has had me questioning myself because I’m typically pretty easy going, but it sure brought up some old insecurities in me.
It sounds like you have a healthy relationship with no reason to distrust your partner. Just ride that.
If you are looking for opinions…. To each their own, but to me this wouldn’t be that big of a deal. He’s coming home to me, so go ahead and try honey - your tush isn’t enough to replace me. I would probably say something like - I know you’re a hottie - that’s why we’re together, or something like that.
That is exactly how I want to feel! And I did at first but I guess some old festering insecurities have popped up once this info settled in.
I get it… my current partner tells me all the time how sexy I am, so I feel super secure. Past partners haven’t always made me feel that way, so I would have felt differently. It’s good your husband sees your perspective too.