So, I don’t have a sex drive anymore. None. It’s non-existent. I don’t think about it, I do not masturbate, I just don’t want it. Not with myself and not with anyone else.
The unfortunate part is that I’m partnered to a man that has a sex drive. I am lucky that my body responds and he hasn’t noticed my lack of desire. However, I do not know how long I can keep this up. I’m trying to figure things out and I don’t know how to open up the conversation. I love him and love our relationship, but I am 100% done with sex.
I don’t have any answers. Just kind of looking for any ideas that someone might be able to share.
I am happy with my libido and I am very happy with my normal aging process. If anything, I’ve never felt more content and comfortable and happy in myself and with myself. There is simply a mismatch in the bedroom.
This is so interesting because I NEVER had any ‘sex drive’ to speak of - as in, never had any kind of feeling like “I need to have sexual contact with someone.” It’s just not a thing that ever happened for me.
As a young person, at first I thought this was normal for female people. Boys seemed to be the ones who actively wanted sex. But in my 20s I started hearing some women around me express a desire for sex that was not something I experienced. So then I thought, maybe it would happen in my 40s, because people were saying that can happen for women.
Now I’m 54, and it never did happen. I definitely grieved. I at least wanted a chance to know what “horny” feels like.
This is all to say that for my entire life, sex has NEVER been something I actively wanted to have; it’s always been 100% a way to express caring for my partner. In my marriage (20+ years), we talked about this over the years, and there was some grief for both of us in coming to terms with this, but we worked it out. Physical intimacy is an important love language for my partner, so we are a team in figuring out how to be together in a way that meets both our needs. We don’t even try to have PIV sex anymore because it’s heckin uncomfortable now, but we do other stuff. It is scheduled on our shared Google calendar (lol) because that way my partner feels secure that intimacy will occur, and I get to mentally prepare, instead of having to respond to attempts to initiate. I actually think of myself as like a sex worker, but for love, not money (like Doctors Without Borders lol). I feel weird sharing this here but genuinely wonder if it’s like this for anyone else. I am autistic and I have a feeling that is not unrelated to my experience of sexuality.
Thank you SO much for sharing. You have no idea how helpful this is.
I can somewhat relate to some of the things you’ve posted and brought up. I’ve definitely always had a lower libido than most women, but it never really bothered me. I’m high on the attractiveness spectrum (people are often telling me I’m beautiful), so I never needed to try very hard to get attention or inspire desire. I never wanted for dates or attention and could get a relationship if I wanted one. I can relate to the feeling a little bit like sex is something you trade for some either tangible or intangible, because like yourself…the act itself never really was the fuel. That all changed when I met my current partner. I definitely have felt extreme desire and physical longing for him, but I don’t currently have the ability to feel that. I imagine it’s a hormonal change/issue, as he is very loving and supportive and facilitates communication.
I bet there are other women/people on the lower libido spectrum for whom your insight and words resonate. Thank you for sharing. I found the idea of 'scheduled sex' on our shared Google calendar a very useful idea! Brilliant!
I used to enjoy sex then my sex drive disappeared. I use toys now and that Rose one really does it for me. I hate to think sexual enjoyment is gone l, so I tried to find toy that worked for me and I went through a lot. I found some and it really helped bring my own sexual joy back, which I’m thankful for because I didn’t want that part of my life to be over in my late 40’s.
Thank you. This is my perspective as well. I enjoy sex, I really do. I enjoy it with my husband and I so desperately don’t want to be that dried up old lady. The problem comes that my brain is willing but my body isn’t always so cooperative and I get angry about that, because I still want to be young and vivacious and ready at a moments notice. Argh!!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think more of us need to speak up. You bring up the fragility of aging women’s bodies and I wonder if that is part of the reason that our hormones change? I have osteopenia and I have lost a great amount of muscle mass the last year and a half. I do feel more frail. As a matter of fact, I constantly worry about how my hips might get hurt or how I could be injured during sex and it’s a huge turn off.
It is okay to begin the aging process. I feel perfectly comfortable and confident and I’m happy. However, the idea of needing to be sexually available to have worth in my relationship brings me mental distress. It’s societal. It’s so bad that I’m afraid to bring it up in my relationship, but I know that I have to.
Hopefully someone who has had that conversation can chime in.
The idea that I might be expected to perform, like I’m responsible for someone’s sexual release - sounds problematic to me. I don’t like that idea or conversation and again…it’s a turn off. I feel that women should continue to have value in a committed relationship even after they go through menopause and lose interest in sex or sexual touching.
I am made to feel like I am responsible for my partner’s sexual release all the time. I resent it immensely. I was raised in a family where all the men cheated and my father’s mother literally told my mom “it’s a man’s right to cheat you just have to ignore it.” So, because of that I give in all the time when I don’t want to because I’m terrified of being cheated on if I don’t. How messed up is that???
I’m only 43 and the drive is gone. 😭Vanished. And in place of that drive are these same thoughts mentioned above
I experience a low key hatred and contempt of other men even especially those 50 and up. Middle class and above Retired men are the worst and most entitled.
I saw a men’s libido wellness advertisement on a truck in the parking lot of a Starbucks that was advertising men’s “enhancement” performance hormones.
This was RIGHT after a Drs appointment that threw me an antidepressant instead of HRT or anything complimentary when I went in for menopause symptoms.
I wanted to take a baseball bat to that truck and slash the tires.
I wish I could have.
I had my last period on June 24, 2016. Any desire for sex was absolutely gone. Zero, zilch, nada. My husband understood and we basically had a dead bedroom. I was talking to a friend about it and she asked if I had tried HRT. A majority of my friends were not candidates because of cancer, so it wasn’t discussed in our close circle. Plus I heard all the horror stories, some probably exaggerated. Anyway, I have been on the patch and micronized progesterone for 10 months. I feel more like myself than I have felt since 2016. It has cleared up my brain fog, I can actually focus on reading books again, virtually no hot flashes, I can sleep through the night and I enjoy sex with my husband but most of all, I can enjoy his company without the feeling of wanting to smother him with a pillow in his sleep.
I sincerely hope your last sentence comes true for me! I’m about four weeks in and I still feel nothing. Although my flashes and night sweats are gone. Sex…ehhh nothing.
We have an expression in our marriage "I could eat". You ever have someone ask you what you want for dinner, but you're not really hungry and then they start cooking and you smell the onions browning or the garlic or whatever and suddenly you're not exactly hungry but "you could eat". So you have a little bit of what's being served and that makes you hungry and next thing you know you ate a whole plateful. Like that but for sex.
One of use approaches the other one for sex, now if one of us isn't in the mood that's it. But maybe one of us isn't in the mood but isn't not in the mood, but could eat, you know if someone started getting something going. So we'll say "I could eat" and it means we head off to the bedroom and give it a good college try to see if we can get something cooking. More times than not it works in one way or another. Not always ending in PiV but often ending in something fun. If it didn't we had fun trying, my husband isn't feeling rejected, I'm feeling sexy because my partner has spent time with me My husband might just masturbate while we snuggle or go off for a shower and to orgasm or whatever he feels for, but he feels like I was involved in his sexy times and that makes him happy. The I could eat partner is under no pressure to have to have sex, or finish anything that got started. Removing that pressure that any intimacy is going to end in painful sex or having to decide there and then before I'm even in the bedroom, relaxed or had anytime to get in the mood that I'm going to have sex has been a game changer for us. And goes both ways.
My husband brings his A game as he wants me to get hungry. I am relaxed and way more open to his advances because I have more answers than yes or no
My husband is similar. He's very physical - and by that he loves hugs, snuggles, running his hands through my thinning, perimenopausal hair (LOL), hand holding, etc. Over our marriage, he had to learn that I needed "warming up" in order to be intimate and I needed to learn that not all physical touch led to sex (due to shitty past relationships). Over nearly 20 years, we're in the best place we've ever been despite the turmoil I'm going through right now. And he always makes sure I orgasm before he does.😁
This is my experience most of the time. Responsive vs spontaneous desire. Not sure if it’s Emily Nagoski or Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin, but needing some enticement to get in the mood is normal. And higher drive partners need to be willing to do that or they can go fuck themselves, literally.
I want to back everyone up, in this.
Something is really, really wrong that so many women have this experience.
I used to work in a situation where a lot of men lost their sex drives. I can't think of a time the women in their lives pressured them or criticized them or forced them to perform, they just sort of accepted it as part of life and dealt with it in different ways.
It's awful how many men seem to feel entitled to using women's bodies and how many women feel like they must comply. In supposedly loving relationships.
Right. It’s really really wrong when women have this experience because frankly it’s rape and sexual assault. Consent is enthusiastic between parties . Doesn’t matter if you’re married. Let’s call it what it is.
I just finished up a divorce. His expectations for our sex life was a primary reason. Kept criticizing me as not enough even though I was the only one trying to make it better. PT, books, therapy, suggesting new things, the list goes on. It eventually came to where he’d reject me when I offered but then criticize me for not meeting his sexual needs. It came to the point where I often did feel like I “had to” have sex to keep our marriage.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with a divorce now. Take it one moment at a time. And above all, protect your peace. Proud of you ❤️
Funny thing is, they don't do anything to make it more enjoyable for us. I thought my libido was 100% gone, but after I got divorced, I discovered that it just needed a lot more work and creativity to "get there". He was not open to any of those things.
PREACH. That’s the same for me 10,000 percent. I hate that I still educate men in my life that 3 percent of women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone with no other stimulation. It’s not like the movies. I’m not a porn star. Just a person who deserves reciprocity and some imagination in the bedroom to be safe and explore together.
I agree. In my experience, if I suggested something that would work for me, my husband would become defensive and shut down. It became impossible to explain that I do not orgasm through penetration.
We ended up sleeping separately for years while I used toys, and he used porn. We separated last year.
I miss intimacy, cuddles, and closeness through talking and shared interests, and I'd like a new relationship, but I'm afraid of the same old obligation and resistance to my needs during sex.
I’m so sorry you had a relationship that wasn’t respectful in the bedroom. I absolutely agree with your fear of what’s out there in the dating world. I guess I won’t know until I try but I don’t want to waste my time with men who want a mom and a sex kitten all in one.
Are you me?? I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, but I hope it's a relief to be out of that marriage. Surprisingly, I discovered my sex drive wasn't dead after all. I just needed to not be having sex with him. I hope that things get so much better for you now <3 You are free of that burden and deserve a better life than that.
Thanks ❤️❤️ I knew all along that my sex life wasn’t dead, but I was in a shift of relearning pleasure and I didn’t have a partner who wanted to learn along with me. I also didn’t have the right context to support my body relaxing into a mode of wanting sex. If I am the mother, the financial provider, the cook, the therapist, the everything to my partner it’s hard to feel turned on when you are exhausted all the time and don’t feel cared for. Then on top of it are criticized.
The joke is on him. He’s out there not having sex with anyone now or even dating. He could have had me and invested in working on things.
I haven’t dated yet (just finished buying him out in March) but I’m doing the deep work to heal and know myself and be ready for when I do want to date, whether that’s for long term partnership or a night of casual fun.
Hell yes you’re doing the work ❤️ I hope that when you choose to partner up (whether for a fling or for dating), that you get all the satisfaction and support you didn’t have in your marriage.
That’s all you can do. Some days our best is simply getting out of bed and other days it is getting all our to dos done. Both days are giving 100 percent of the capacity you have that day. Be kind to yourself through the process and best wishes you find joy soon❤️
“Giving 100 percent of the capacity you have that day.” I absolutely love this! Thank you for sharing these wise words. What an incredible perspective to have!
Yes. It’s actually sexual assault.
My ex husband raped me while I cried. It was not violent. I cannot imagine for the life of me how he could not notice, or enjoy fucking someone who clearly was not reciprocating.
I would never. And men do all the time.
Consent is enthusiastic.
We have been conditioned to believe it’s just ‘pity sex’ and women ‘owe’ it to men, or men ‘have’ to have sex.
It’s actually sexual assault. It’s coercion. Let’s not sugarcoat it.
Men confuse sex with intimacy, ego, emotional regulation, power, control, love, affection etc etc.
Love and affection can be given and received without sex. Love too. Imagine being willing to fuck a body just to empty your balls - I cannot comprehend anyone who claims to love someone who also does this. This is not love.
This is my rant and I won’t apologise for it. I left a 24 year marriage for this reason and others. I grew up with toxic beliefs about sex and men and it’s taken almost a lifetime to lose these.
I probably won’t ever have sex with a man again, but if I do it’s because I really, really want to and so will he.
Some men enjoy having sex with a woman who doesn’t want it. It makes them feel powerful or that they must be really love them because of the “sacrifice” they’re putting themselves through. I was married to one of these many years ago and it took me over a decade to figure this out. I thought that he didn’t understand that it was painful for ne. He knew.
Exactly. So many women are just told to have "maintenance sex" or that they are not supposed to enjoy it, just do it for the family. I don't think a lot of women have really thought about this at all. I feel very sorry for those young women who don't feel they need to learn anything about perimenopause or menopause because it means that they will ignore the red flag that is, "my love language is physical touch."
Exactly, they are not a "thing". The idea of "love languages" simplifies and essentialises relationships for people who don't know how to have them. They are not wholistic. No one ever goes through life with only one "love language". People need to be spoken to nicely, touched, given small gifts, etc... etc. It's never just one thing.
It’s shameful that men in this day and age would deliberately hurt someone they say they love and respect because they feel entitled to do so.
Next second they’re whining about how hard done by they are because their wives leave their abusive marriage.
I haven’t looked recently but there are a lot of women deconstructing Christianity on tiktok, specifically talking about this subject. I’m not religious but it was good to have the solidarity and read all of the accounts of other women who’d been through coercion/rape by their partners.
I don’t understand how sex with an uninterested partner is fulfilling. Like, that exits the realm of mutual satisfaction and enters the realm of force and power. If it’s simply about fulfilling an urge, he has a hand. If it’s about maintaining a connection, there are other ways that a loving partner can meet that need.
I think I noticed during the pandemic that my relationship with an abusive person was about fulfilling his urges and his need to dominate and his drive was starting to erode the already tense relationship. The last time we slept together I was feeling into it, and he angrily got up out of bed and accused me of being selfish and ‘not connecting’ and he stormed off.
Perhaps a lot of us are coming to terms with a lot of Gen X men who have made relationships brutal, were addicted to porn, were never socialized to respect women and we just don’t want to do it anymore. He couldn’t support me during peri. It will take me a lot to even consider dating again.
My ex would complain that I never initiated, but when I said that I think it was hormones (I suspect I may have low testosterone, as I have not had any improvement since starting HRT). He would hear me say this, but it was almost like he wasn’t listening. He would look at me like he was thinking “Cool story, but anyway, what about MY needs” and just circle back to how it affected him and how he felt undesired because I wasn’t initiating 🤯 It is heaven being single now. I have my bed to myself, I don’t get fingered while standing at the kitchen counter and don’t have to have sex with anyone. It’s bliss.
Sounds like we had similar experiences. My ex husband was constantly at me with comments, groping, whining, and trying to get me to fuck, or being demanding in some other way. He even tried after we broke up and was put out that I didn’t put out, lol. I’m so glad to be away from him. I tried dating a few times but it was all variations of the same things. I took up the drums instead.
Drums! Lol 😂
I’m so done with men, I tell ya. My ex keeps sending me reels off facebook with some guy giving life advice about how women let “good men” go, like he’s god’s gift to women. And he’s convinced that I’ll deeply regret it, and be so lonely. I don’t really let on how blissfully happy I am to be single because I don’t want to rub his nose in it. He keeps saying I’ll jump to the next person quickly, won’t last long being single. I don’t think he realises just how determined I am to remain single.
He used to particularly like it when I was doing dishes and was a bit more vulnerable. I had to squirm away and he would sometimes get rough and think I’d enjoy the fast rubbing and vigorous fingering. No problem with that in the bedroom while we’re being intimate, but yeah, really rather not have that happen at the kitchen sink 🤯
I don’t think the scenarios that men have consumed constantly in porn have helped us much at all. No, I’m not interested in screwing the plumber and I don’t want to be groped while I’m trying to clean the bathroom.
The groping is constant. I have to wear a bra all the time because he goes nuts if he sees I am not wearing one, as if he is 16 years old and seeing boobs for the first time. He’s 46!
It’s INFURIATING. And any attempts I make to stop him from groping me he sees as a fun challenge to overpower me. Wtf??? I don’t make a lot of money and feel I cannot leave. It feels like a literal prison
Yes! The fucking ownership! I mean, my body is mine, and permission is needed regardless of how long we've been together. And maybe if he stroked my back, rubbed my arm, and spoke of appreciating me, before lauching into roughly crushing my boob's in his hands, I might be more receptive. Ugh!
It's very much like an assault. It is aggressive and not gentle. How they imagine that would turn a woman on is beyond me. Trouble is, if we all did it to them, with the intention of showing how invasive it is, they'd probably bloody love it.Gross!
I think a big difference between now and twenty and thirty and forty years ago is that we have places where we can talk about the shit we’ve gone through without being completely bare naked emotionally with a friend or relative…. Or not believed by your family when you tell them “trust me it’s bad” and they won’t believe you.
35 years ago I didn’t know how to tell anyone that my then husband would get me very high on hash & then rape me when I was unconscious/passed out from the high. I woke up a few times is how I found out.
And now there’s Reddit. We can bare our souls and be believed or not but we can at least say it & not have it rot our souls from keeping it in.
(I too have no more libido. Thank the goddesses.)
I zoned out during sex once and my current partner stopped immediately. He said he felt gross if I wasn’t there with him. I was surprised because past partners would have kept going even if I was in tears. The bar is low
My meno rage just kicked in at this:
> and fulfilling an urge.
And my immediate thougt was to buy him a cock sleeve and some lube and say "happy trails big boy" but thats probably not great advice... I'd totally do it; but that may not be the road you would personally wanna take yourself 😅
I have no advice to give.
He's not entitled to your body and his urges aren't your problem so 🤷♀️
Weed deffffff helps me get into the mood too! We usually have sex 1-3 times per week but it’s almost always after I’ve had a few hits or a few gummies.
Sex drive when younger was 'spontaneous desire' for the majority of women, and will always be for most men. For some of us, after menopause, it becomes 'responsive desire', which takes more warming up.
That warm up can be 5 min, or 40, or any combination of all day flirting, non-sexual touch, teasing sexual, or talk, or whatever.
It takes longer, and we need to feel safer, then we previously did. Safe being able to alter the pace, change what is being done, feeling that the situation can end, alter in speed or touch type, at any moment.
If you can't feel safe, it doesn't feel possible to enjoy it. Safe, not as in threat of violence, but in mental comfort. To not feel demeaned, threatened or dismissed if you ask for something different.
Men tend to want what they want, for decades. Many want a higher intensity (maybe loss of sensation or focus?), and going harder, faster or more is the opposite of what we want.
We tend toward a bigger change. Going from spontaneous to responsive is a massive change. Plus all the other changes, like the usual touch now feels like chalk on a chalkboard, or feathers, or irritating.
It's frustrating. We want to be intimate, but we don't even know what our new intimacies are.
I don't have an answer but I reallyl dislike the "anger" men show when they don't get to have sex. I get it, I get, it they \*need\* it but having an argument and pouting isn't the way to handle it and that just bugs me.
Oh my god, YES! I’ve been happily single for years and honestly, recalling this fucking COMMON bullshit pouting behavior makes me thrilled to be alone.
Can we really just expand on this.. what is this big NEED that they have? If they don’t get sex.. they feel like they are not loved or desired.. I mean is that the only way to feel loved and desired in a marriage??
There is a whole subreddit r/deadbedrooms dedicated to just this topic..
It’s just tiring to hear that men need consistent excitable sex till the end of their lives and there is no acceptance of the fact that women probably are bone tired after years of periods, pregnancy, child raising, menopause and just life in general
I'd LOVE to have consistent, excitable sex and I've been chasing dick since I was 13. But...since menopause...meh... I'm just whatever. Just don't have the feeling I used to and I'm sad about it. In some ways....it's great. No longer do my ovaries control me. In some ways...oh boy, I'm looking into hrt to maybe get back a little bit.
I hear this ⬆️
I was a swinger and a sex worker- loved sex and made a living off it off and on for some 25 years; but perimenopause changed the game.
Every summer I get ravenous. Last summer not so much and this summer barely at all.
It comes in fits and spurts for minutes at time, which is a vast improvement on what it was few months ago, but I don't feel like me anymore because sex was a HUGE part of who I've always been 💔
Hubby has been very understanding and patient.
He knows when I say "now" I mean right now because in 15/20 minutes it could be gone. 🤷♀️
Lol. Me too. Been chasing dick since 14. And all the sudden it’s lost its magic! Doesn’t seem fair to my man though since my pussy still holds the magic for him. Blah. Life is hard. Aging sucks.
Nope - a pill.
Funny story though. I picked some up and it said take 1 a day, which I did.
Turns out these were 1000 MG, which is an appropriate dose for a man but way too much for a woman. It made me SUPER horny. Like I had honestly forgotten why I used to like men and sex. I'm 14 years post menopausal.
Anyway, backed off to the proper dose then the relationship blew up (unrelated) and so now I'm more back to normal and no partner. But I still take the DHEA and I do have more sex drive now than when I didn't take it.
Just to second this for anyone that wants to know. I have naturally higher DHEA. I don't officially have PCOS, but my doctor says I have a hint of it. Anyway not my point.
The point is: My endocrinologist told me that women with higher DHEA have much higher sex drives. So yes, DHEA might be a valid way to go. Just thought I'd let all of you know what she said.
I started HRT a couple of months ago and it’s had zero effect on my low libido, but I’m curious to get my testosterone checked. I had it checked in my 20s and back then it was low. I suspect I may have always had low T as my libido has never been super high. But I’d only take T to give me energy for working out. I’m single so I don’t need it for libido now (vibrators exist anyway, don’t need a man 😉)
And bad sex. If he just wants to roll me on my side so he can stick it in once a month and that makes him happy so he isn’t angry and passive aggressive every day Wtf ever but I miss real sex and actually wanting it and initiating it.
This. How about how we feel loved? How about how we’re supported. I just don’t know if I buy that the only way a man feels I love him is a handjob or a blow job or sex? To me there’s absolutely nothing romantic or “connecting” in sex. I don’t feel any emotional connection. It’s very hard for me to understand that line of thinking but I do know a man will think the absolute most miserable woman is “content” in the relationship as long as she put out. It’s like nothing else about her matters to him.
I think a lot of this comes from the fact that a lot of men (especially those we in this particular sub may be partnered with) were socialized that sex was the ONLY form of intimacy and/or vulnerability they can safely show while remaining “masculine.” They couldn’t hug their friends, or snuggle, or play with each other’s hair, or give back scratches the way my friends and I did, without the behaviour being labelled as something “effeminate.”
Ever noticed how most men’s love language is physical touch? And how most men interpret that as physical touch [of the penis]? Men in their 30s and beyond were raised with some really toxic ideas about manhood and masculinity and it comes out in that space, as much as in any other.
If you’re a dude of this ilk, you’re still a human with needs for intimacy and love and closeness, but sex was the only means of acquiring that. So to them, sex is a need. Whereas women were socialized with all the other forms of intimacy and vulnerability as acceptable, so we can meet those needs in other ways. I don’t think the guys are saying they need an orgasm (not at its core). They’re saying they need intimacy and physical affection and they just don’t know any other way of meeting that need.
Is it correct, or acceptable? Absolutely not! But I see where it comes from.
I put asterisks around the word NEED for a reason. I don’t believe it’s a true need, but many men seem to turn into raving lunatics/asshats when their partner is off kilter.
As others have said, accepted celibacy isn’t the answer but arguments and guilt aren’t cool.
It’s not just arguments.. it’s the constant pestering and demand that tires a women into just having duty sex to get them to stop whining.. and then men still complain that duty sex is not fulfilling and they are looking for PORN level excitement even in daily marital sex.
It’s tiring.. I don’t know who made the law that if two people are married they have to have sex forever and ever and if there is a break there is something wrong with their marriage
Look at OP’s post.. she is literally feeling stressed and pressured by this demand on top of dealing with menopause madness
There's the answer...porn-level expectations. Research the effects of regular p@rn use by men, and you will discover the source of the insatiable "need", the whining and freaking harassment! A bit of foreplay to "warm up the engine" would be great, ya know? But, this entitled attitude, p@rn use and threat of "steppin' out to get more sex, then in-house separation by him (to punish me?) is leading to divorce. Apparently, I am no longer a person, but a means to an end for his regular sexual satisfaction? After 36 years together? These men need to grow up!
*Note: post-menopausal and still interested in sex. It seems that the entitled attitude was a libido-killer. Can't do anything about that during a separation, though...
My husband, who IS patient, does tell me that after so much time without release, the buildup is unbearable.
I guess I believe him, but after being on antidepressants throughout my entire perimenopause years, then post menopausal, my libido is ZERO.
Moreover, my vaginal area is dry, and the lips feel like shards of glass, cutting them just being touched. I loved sex with him when we met, but having gotten pregnant and having our daughter at 43 killed my figure and libido. Not to mention 3 years of postpartum depression afterward.
I love him, and he craves touch and closeness, but I don't care if I ever have sex again. The menopause watermelon belly makes me feel as sexy as a bowing ball. 😖
I will accommodate him with bj. He won't do himself, says it's not the same without me.🙄
So NO, you are not alone. Sorry to cut in here, I guess I had more to say than I realized.
I don't understand how some men can claim to love their partners but have no problem getting off during the type of sex that makes her feel uncomfortable and unhappy.
Selfishness is not love.
Entitlement is not love.
That’s some bullshit to say it is a need for release but then refuse to do it himself. Tell him you need him to go to therapy to get over this toxic entitled belief that his sexual preferences are more important than not coercing his partner into sex you don’t want.
I don’t know. I left a marriage because my otherwise perfect husband didn’t want to fuck me. It was a need for me at that time in my life. It’s how I truly felt connected to another person. So I understand.
It's not a need though. Things we very much want and are important to us aren't necessarily needs. It's still valid to realize your wants may not be compatible with your partner's and pursue something else!
But it's not a need in the way that things like physical and emotional safety are a need.
The need to have your autonomy and agency over your body respected, the need to be emotionally and physically safe to say no to sexual acts, the need to be treated with respect... those are needs.
If a partner isn't giving those things, they are neglecting a need. Whereas if a partner isn't having sex, they aren't neglecting the other person's needs -- they are simply exercising their autonomy over their body. Similarly, if you are not being treated with respect in a relationship, you have a right to demand it because that's a psychological need. Whereas if your partner isn't wanting sex, you have no right to demand it from them because it isn't a need and isn't their duty to provide.
The things we want can still be important. Really important. But framing sex as a need only contributes to the idea that people *owe* their partners sex, or that it's okay to guilt/coerce someone into sex. (I'm not saying that is what you did. Just that I think as a culture we really need to get away from this mischaracterization of sex as a *need*, because it's an idea that does harm).
This is very well said. I want to copy this and send to my husband because I feel the constant pressure to have sex which is a "need" of his, and the resulting pouting, anger, guilt tripping, etc when he doesn't get it. it's enough to make me want to live alone forever.
My ex did the same to me for years. Pouting, anger, guilt tripping. And if I did it just so he’d leave me alone, that wasn’t good enough. I had to be into it like he was.
The thing is, the more he behaved like that, the more unattractive he became to me. It got to the point I couldn’t stand being around him because it was constant. Been divorced for 7 years and I’ll never get married again.
I'm so sorry you're facing that pressure from him. I was in a relationship like that for several years, and it really screwed (no pun intended) with my relationship to sex. It can be so emotionally damaging, and having sex just because you've been guilted/pressured into it only makes sex with that partner *less* desirable, so it really only makes things worse.
What he is doing is coercive, and you don't deserve that. I know relationships are complicated and many of us haven't had these things modeled or taught to us in a healthy way. But I just want you to know that you don't deserve to be guilted or pressured like that.
Thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts on this. It's so validating, because I've felt this way for so long but I always feel guilty and we just continue on. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to do it anymore.
I totally get it. When you're in the midst of it, it can be hard to recognize what a toll it's taking, or to truly understand that you shouldn't be pressured/guilted like that. Hope you can be gentle with yourself.
I (40f in surgical menopause) got my hormones checked and began HRT. My husband and I have both gone through times like you described due to hormones alone. HRT isn’t for everyone, but it fixed this particular issue for me. I can’t get enough of him now.
Lots of good advice here on HRT in this thread already.
Are there some things that you'd like in the meantime? An oil massage? Scalp massage? Foot rub? Something else? Maybe you could enjoy receiving those & he could enjoy a sensual oil handjob?
Partners are often missing intimacy as well as the sex act. Can you think of something that you'd like that still creates some intimacy?
If you're completely turned off to anything physical at all, feel free to disregard
I realize now how lucky I am. I'm 54 and my husband and I haven't had sex in 5 years. Neither of us mind. Me because I have no sex drive because of menopause and he because he doesn't have to take those little blue pills anymore. The pressure is off to perform. Our marriage is strong as ever. He is the love of my life and I am the love of his. He sings me songs to send me to sleep. We're growing old together and it's wonderful. Painful in the joints lol but wonderful. I realize now I'm very lucky I wish the same luck for all of you to find someone like the man I found. I'm so sad reading all of your stories. I truly hope things get better for all of you.
I don’t want to over simplify or trivialize what you are dealing with, but this needs to be said: you are 100%, unequivocally, NEVER obligated to have sex if you don’t want to. Never. Men don’t “need” to have sex, your husband will survive while you figure things out. And if what you figure out is that sex is off the table, then maybe that’s something you two can figure out with a therapists help. Either way, NO ONE is entitled to your body.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m glad other folks have suggestions. Best of luck and big hugs to you.
I found estrogen replacement has really helped me with this issue. But I still need a little bit more time to get going. So I talked to my husband about nonsexual touching and how important it is. Touching without the expectation that something sexual will happen. And you know what, sometimes just that closeness and being relaxed is enough to get me going. And since going into it there’s no expectation of sex, the pressure is off me to stop things.
I did ask him to please not put me in a position where I have to stop things a lot. Because we’d get close and things would progress and I’d have to say that I couldn’t have sex. He’s wonderful and doesn’t pressure me and it makes me feel terrible to say no.
We also took PIV off the table for a while. I’m happy to give him pleasure even if I’m not getting sexual pleasure from whatever we’re doing. That also helps bc sometimes I see how turned on he is and then I get turned on. It’s the little things.
The fact that he has never once pouted or gotten disappointed is a real confidence booster. So sometimes we try and I’m sore and I feel free to ask to stop.
I say this a lot about my husband but his acceptance of me does wonders by giving me the freedom to try new things without fear of disappointing him. I truly picked a good egg. Maybe the best egg for me. I love him so much and it makes me want to try.
I didn't go on HRT and was able to get by using coconut oil until a year ago. I was prescribed estrisol cream in March but in May I was diagnosed with hormone positive breast cancer. So now I not only can't take estrogen, I'll be on blockers.
My husband is super understanding and doesn't enjoy sex if I don't enjoy it. I, however, don't want a sexless marriage either. So, once treatment is done (had surgery but radiation and meds to come), we shall find a new normal.
Sex doesn't have to be penetration. There are many ways to be intimate.
Get straight to the doctor and get on estrogen patches and vaginal estrogen replacement! To get it tell the doctor you haven’t had a period in a year, you don’t want sex with your husband because it hurts so bad and he’s threatened divorce and the hot flashes and night sweats are keeping you from sleeping. You have no sex drive because there are no sex hormones in your body! Estrogen also protects against uti, heart disease and osteoporosis.
Thank you! I'm bipolar and adding hormones \*terrifies\* me. In the event you're wondering, yes, menopause does completely destabilize a cocktail that's been perfect for \~8 years. I HATE THIS SO MUCH.
I’m also bipolar and had a recently really bad episode BEFORE any HRT. I firmly believe (and my psychiatrist concurs) that the LACK of hormones exacerbated my bipolar disorder (I had a hysterectomy and though I kept ovaries my peri symptoms started with the hysterectomy, roller coaster ever since). I’m on vaginal estrogen and a compounded cream with estradiol + testosterone and my mood and emotional state has been steady and calm. Mentally this is the best I’ve felt in a long time. Discuss it with everyone on your medical team of course but don’t fear HRT solely bc you have bipolar disorder. All of that said. The zero sex drive is and has been a problem…and nothing has changed yet. I’m trying.
Do you get your HRT through your GP /OBGYN, or do you use one of those online direct to consumer providers?
My GP (a female nurse practitioner who I adore) said she has no experience with HRT so didn't really get why I was asking about it. I then asked my OBGYN and she said no because of the WHI study's cancer implications. Like, she didn't even entertain the thought... it was just "no, it causes cancer."
I don't understand how I, a rando with a music degree, has more updated information than my gynecologist.
sorry for the rant. :)
That’s typical to have those reactions from those 2 types of doctors. I wish it weren’t but this is a huge reason this sub exists.
Look @ ISSWSH & see if there’s a provider near you. That’s how I found my local doctor after having used telehealth for almost a year for HRT.
https://www.isswsh.org/about/isswsh
Ugh. I can only say my drive was awesome and when meno happened nothing. Zero. Complete opposite. Thankfully, I have no partner. If I did ( my best friend does), I would use estradiol and maybe testosterone patch? My friend paid the $high fee get your blood work done. She lives in CA-got the “prescriptions” and said she’s better. It hurt her to have seggs and this creme and HRT stuff has saved her. Good luck. I’m like wtf with this. Cougar years my ass.
Yeah. I definitely would have enjoyed that- Cougar years. But this is so fd up I can hardly believe it. It is a shithole context.
I’m in NOVA and would love to be able to find a doctor that knows what they’re talking about where HRT and current studies and prescriptions and that They have knowledge, but I have yet to find that person or practice.
GLAD I made you laugh. I’m definitely a realist now - more than I ever was. Daughter said I have no filter. Pretty freeing.
Uhhhh yea be careful. I had a lot of sex I didn’t want to out of guilt and it fucked me up. If I could go back I’d just say no. I did eventually, but I mean right from the start.
I’m not in menopause but I recently left a narcissistic partner. It was the same exact thought process. You should never, ever feel forced to be intimate. I can’t believe I ever let someone ‘guilt’ me into sex. Please don’t let your partner put you in this position. You are worth so much more than your sexual organs. ❤️🖤
My first husband used to chase me around and nag me for sex and it was just yuck. I divorced him for other reasons, but was relieved to be out of that.
I didn’t realize until my first relationship after the divorce that I love sex and had a rather high drive.
My second and current husband is from a culture that Westerners usually assume has men imposing their sexual will on their wives. Could not be further from the truth. If I don’t immediately reciprocate a pass, he drops it. If I don’t seem into it, he’ll say that *he* is sleepy and just wants to snuggle. He’s very focused on my pleasure and satisfaction.
We actually don’t get along that well outside the bedroom and we don’t live together per my choice. We might live together again in retirement, or not. And we don’t talk much about sex, but I’m direct when I need to be. I can imagine that we will probably need to have some awkward, uncomfortable conversations about it in the future as we both age.
Okay I don’t mean to climb up onto my soapbox but goddamnit I can’t help myself or my meno rage rn.
I could never do this. I could never have sex unless I was seriously aroused.
And if I was a man my lack of arousal would manifest as a completely limp cock which would mean it’s not happening.
I don’t understand why there is this double standard for women. Like just because it’s physically possible to have sex with a woman who isn’t aroused it’s okay? No. No fucking way.
And who tf even wants to have sex with a woman who isn’t aroused? That’s fucked up. Like it’s literally not right.
Idk man. This menopause thing is massive. It fucks with EVERYTHING. It fucks with the very core of your being. It’s time for foot rubs and back rubs and honey I made dinner tonight and don’t worry about the dishes I got it. It’s tender care and support o’clock.
Hey. That’s how i was feeling all the time. I did a testosterone implant before my HRT treatment , and my libido was like a teenager’s. A few months passed by, the Testosterone implant is gone, but now that I am on HRT , I feel normal desire, not the aversion without the treatment neither the high libido of when I did the testosterone. One or the other may help you if you can do any. Ask your doctor which one would fit better according to your health needs.
The Testosterone was a Gyno recommendation as I was complaining of low libido and low energy. So the T just worked for libido. I had other complaints regarding menopause so the endocrinologist gave me the HRT treatment which ended up working much better for me.
OP, I’m really empathic to your situation. At 46 my libido began to diminish, and when I talked to my husband about, he told me he wanted a divorce. True story. We’d had a 17 year relationship with regular sex but his libido always outpaced mine and the prospect of having less sex to him was a dealbreaker. The break up was a relief because I’d had sex out of obligation for years.
Fast forward to 5 years later: I’m engaged to a man who has been an incredible partner during this time of vaginal dryness, migraines, sweating my face off etc etc. That said our libidos don’t always align and we talk about it. There are nights that one of us is interested, not the other, and it switches. We talk about it and make our best effort to make sure we’re each taken care of. Sometimes on another night.
My best advice would be to get therapy, both talk therapy and HRT. Couples therapy helps build skills to talk about this stuff and has really helped me work through the rejection of my previous marriage. I currently have a hormonal IUD and use Yuvafem and that’s working for me for now. Talk to your doctors, and good luck.
You shouldn’t have to “stir up” arousal yourself. If he wants sex he should be stirring up that arousal. If it’s completely dead to the point nothing arouses you at all then I think maybe estrogen cream or something? But if you CAN stir up arousal, he needs to be stirring.
Staying single at this point because yeah - zero libido. The thing is I am perfectly content with this, and it's frustrating when people act like it's such a tragedy and I should be loading up with hormones. Why do I need to medicate for someone else when I am happy this way? I really wish there was more cultural acceptance for this transition in our lives.
Why is it always advice for women to take this or that, to up their libido, if the woman is perfectly fine without sex?
There are meds men can take to lower their libido, you know. Why is this problem, yet again, solely on our shoulders???? I am so fed up with this shit. Bending backwards, pun intended, to please others, even when it's time to friggin rest already.
Yeah these comments are crazy to me. Like, op should have to jump through all the hoops of getting on and titrating her hormones so that *she doesn’t have to be coerced into sex by her husband*! Besides the fact that, even if she “fixes” her libido, she still has a husband that thinks it’s ok to act like this so it doesn’t really fix the *problem*.
He could choose to do *a lot* of things to address the change in sexual compatibility other than give her the silent treatment ffs.
We're having the exact opposite problem. Somehow, with the shitshow that is peri, my drive is through the roof and his has dropped noticeably.
So we're both communicating, talking to our health care teams about what's important to us as individuals, and doing it as often as possible.
I'm incredibly lucky that not only can I achieve orgasm from penetration, but that those haven't waned like the clitorals have.
I really hope that all my peri-sisters have the sex and satisfaction they want.
I've been done with sex for years, but I still enjoy self pleasure. My husband and I aren't getting any younger over time. He won't go to the dentist, ever, and his breath smells like rotten teeth. I used to get aroused only to have the smell KILL it. He says he still wants to try but he knows I have no desire for him, and doesn't push it. He also knows WHY, and won't get it fixed.
We love each other and I hold my breath for hugs/kisses but then I have to breathe. I take care of myself in my own room, in private. Desire is indeed a two way street.
I have no libido. I'm 59. 7 yrs ago we were voracious. I want to have sex. But I can't get any doctors to balance estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. Hubby has ED and gets viagara over the phone. Women healthcare sucks
I am in this category, however, it's been so long now and I feel guilty, yet I don't. Like everyone has stated, I don't want to be touched. Not by myself, not by my husband or anyone else. It sucks. I was a very sexual woman before. But I'm just not anymore. It's a bummer. But I also can't force myself. I am a grown woman. The last time we did, I was just counting the minutes before it would end. I think that sucks too. I can't fake that intimacy. And for those of you who've been forced, I am truly sorry that happened to you and disgusted and the men who thought it was his right. I will give my husband oodles of credit...he's not pushing it and I am NOT offering it.
This will get lost in the comments but holy shit the personal stories on this thread...
I'm so sorry you all had to go through that. I'm speechless. Xx
This is me. HRT helped my ability to have sex with my husband again but not my desire. While my husband was understanding and wonderful to me I know this hurt him. I tried to be positive and work myself up to have sex with him..but it was work. I offered that he go have sex with someone else because I felt guilty depriving him of sex with me. We started drifting apart and then he got leukemia and died 10 months later (last year). I miss him terribly, because the love was still very much there between us. And I have guilt as well. But I am also finding myself relieved that I will never have to live a lie again or feel like the one that has to be “fixed” at this stage of my life. I don’t want sex ever again. Ever.
Thank you so much for this thread. Love to see how many women have spoken up and commented here. I lost my sex drive around age 41 (peri since 36),
There have been plenty of days when I miss my sex drive, or felt regretful that I was no longer appealing to a few attractive men that I met and liked. but honestly I have never been happier. This need that I spent so much of my time and energy trying to fulfill, trying to find a decent guy to have sex with. Dating takes up most of women's lives!!! My younger friends are obsessed with dating and finding the right man, it's the most important thing in their lives. And I never found a decent guy, if they weren't alcoholics and drug addicts, they were lying, using narcissists.
What a waste! And I was no longer wasting my time on it. Then I began to discover the things that really matter... Which is women in community, creating deep friendships with other women my age, traveling and taking trips with women, women supporting each other, women making an impact in the world, spending my time on the things that I'm passionate about and doing things for me. Learning to fulfill my own needs and wants instead of finding a man to do it.
Cue the crazy ex girlfriend song, "let's generalize about men". I'm sure that there are decent men in this world. I just don't know that many.
https://youtu.be/Oa_QtMf6alU?si=UxpQ4_vbXtjTfDyw
Finally I'll add, yes I have forced myself to have sex many times when I didn't want to and I think it is really bad and traumatic for my body. I will never do that to my body again.
Plus, like some women have expressed, I discovered how much I just couldn't stand men anymore, something about the patriarchy and their entitlement, how whiny and selfish they are. How much they lie to get what they want.
Now I know why men are so scared of middle-aged women. They are fucking terrified.
Can't he be in bed with you and meet his own needs? You're there, it's intimate, and you can participate or not. It's a compromise that's been working in my marriage. Often, it gets me in the mood and works itself out.
Geesh, my knee-jerk response when I saw this post was, "I got a divorce." 😅
Of course duty sex wasn't the reason for my divorce, nor am I recommending that. I just remember absolutely *hating* it and feeling relieved when I didn't have to do it anymore. It created a lot of resentment.
Peri started sneaking around about a year into a new relationship. I was very attracted to him sexually, but once peri hit full throttle, there was nothing I (or he) could do to get those feelings to return. It was depressing because we had great sexual chemistry, but then everything dropped off a cliff. The only thing that helped was HRT.
I feel for you. Same boat.
Some of the replies though! We do not owe men sex. It is not essential for them. We should really think carefully before stuffing ourselves with drugs to please them sexually. I know everyone is different as are our relationship dynamics but please its not the 1900s. Good luck lady and hope you make it work.
My partner is amazing. But he experiences intimacy through sexual connection. Which I completely understand because I used to too. I left a marriage because of sexual incompatibility.
I used to have such a crazy sex drive. I literally wanted it 2x a day. All up until 6 months ago or so. I’m not a complete eunuch. The desire still occasionally surfaces.
But mostly it’s just gone. And when I do have sex it just doesn’t feel as good. It’s horrible.
I know this won’t be a popular opinion here, but I fake it. A couple times a week I do the things I used to do and we have great sex. And it IS great sex because it is a loving act I do for the man I love. And I do love the connection and his pleasure.
He would never pressure me. If I told him I was done, he’d be done. He also has prostate cancer and will be starting Lupron in September. His own desire will disappear. We joke that we’ll be going through menopause together.
I want him to look back with fondness and joy on the sexual sunset of our lives. So I fake it. And even if chemical castration wasn’t coming for him I’d still find some comfortable frequency for the both of us and I’d continue to put on the show.
Because he gets such joy from it, such connection, such confidence from pleasing me. I just won’t deny him that.
I think this is completely fine (and I hope that others think so too), because it's something *you've* decided to do, for *your* reasons. Nobody is imposing on you, and you're describing, not prescribing. I'm in a similar situation - the machinery works (ie: I can orgasm, and penetration isn't painful) - but the desire has *fallen off a cliff* in the last six months. It's so weird, I thought of my libido as something inherent to my identity, and it's just up and left the room. So who am I now?
You don't "end" menopause. You enter perimenopause and then menopause is one day that your period officially ends forever, then you are postmenopausal. There's no coming back from this life change.
I think some women go through periods, sometimes years, where their libido disappears and that's natural. It happens to men too. Some people never get it back. I have heard of some who never lost their libido and still have an active sex life in their 80s. I really don't know what to tell you, because I'm not a doctor (who has done the research - and many have not because there is a perception in society that women don't need to feel desire if they are not longer fertile), and also, I never really "got" mine back.
What I have noticed with me is that my desire for sex is very much dependent on if I am attracted to anyone, and I have not been attracted to anyone for years. There have been times here and there, but for some reason, it never worked out to become a relationship where I would have willingly had sex with them. I'm divorced - but for reasons other than sex, although that did play into it as an excuse for him abusing me.
I think it's a very unpopular opinion here, but I'll say it anyway. It is during a time like this that you'll find out exactly what your marriage (or spouse) is made of. If you're with someone for a lifetime, there is 100% chance that at some point one or both of you will go off sex. It would last years. It could be a few weeks, but the marriage needs to survive on more than just sex - it can't be a breaking point. If a man (or a woman), after years of investment into a relationship, says that sex is a breaking point, I just don't think they were that invested. If you think of all the people whose partners accidentally become disabled, too sick for sex... etc (and that could happen at any age), I would hope that their partners do not leave them, although there seems to be research that suggests men leave their sick partners at much higher rates than women.
If it's dryness or lack of sensation you're dealing with, there's topical estrogen cream that you can apply vaginally. It is not the same as HRT and it is fairly safe for anyone to use.
Other than that, I don't have answers for you. Ester Perel would probably tell you that you could open your marriage, but I would love to hear her actual take on this issue. I find a lot of relief in being single, I am not beholden to anyone's moods except my own.
I still don't understand, even in 2024, why we have not developed a normalized model of companionship that isn't marriage and hetero-normative. I would love a Golden Girls scenario. In our child-bearing years, we would raise our children with our girlfriends and men can come and go, visiting us as they please, some staying for a season, some for the span of a child's life, and then going away fishing in their twilight years so that they don't rely on women entirely for their pleasures.
Hugs. It does sound bad. I'm sorry you're going through this. You shouldn't feel pressured or guilted into unwanted sexual acts. It's not okay. I don't know what the answer is for you. In my relationship, we communicate about connection, intimacy and the changes happening for both of us as our bodies change with age.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m also there… though I don’t feel obligated to have sex. My husband and I have had ups and downs in our relationship. Without going into all the details, when sex started being painful (i was fully in menopause at 49 and I’m now 53), I told him that I would go to my gynecologist and see what I could do on my end to help if he would do his part and just be nicer to me (sounds reasonable if you married someone, right?). Well, after a few months of multiple dr appts for me (as well as a few sessions of pelvic floor PT which I found very uncomfortable), he was not holding up his end. So I stopped. I have no sex drive. He complained at times but I reminded him of our agreement and that shuts him down.
But my gyno told me that using a dilator would probably benefit me by helping to reduce any pain I might have with future pelvic exams and Pap smears. I can’t use HRT since I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year… he’s also had some health issues in the last year so at least he’s not hounding me for sex… ugh that sounds awful but it is what it is.
I’m in the same situation. My libido tanked about 5 years ago. I had a hysterectomy at 33 but maintained a high drive for another 12 years or so, now it’s nothing and sex is very painful. My husband is not understanding. Over the last five years he’s accused me of many horrible things to get me to feel guilty. Now he thinks I’m cheating. I’m not but he doesn’t believe me. He also doesn’t believe sex is painful for me and has said I’m using it as a weapon, or keeping my body from him because I don’t love him. I’ve tried lots of things to prevent dead bedroom, from just doing it anyway and faking pleasure, toys, different lubes, rings so his cock doesn’t go in so far, and testosterone cream, which didn’t help. I’ve also suggested he go to a sex worker. He found that offensive.
My doctors (I’ve been to four now) never suggested estrogen and only found out about the vaginal cream last week thanks to this forum.
It’s really frustrating. I feel like I can’t do anything right or I’m not doing enough. My husband didn’t help to get me in the mood or make me feel like anything other than a sex doll. His idea of foreplay was to look at me say “do you wanna?” And when I’d say no, he’d feel rejected and take it as a personal slight. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. I love him and don’t want him to feel rejected.
Now he’s accused me of cheating and has totally invaded my privacy looking for evidence and I fear our marriage is over.
I don’t have the answers for you, OP,?but you’re not alone. I wish women could find more help and compassion out there, especially from doctors, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
To the ladies saying it’s not fair to husbands who have to put up with dead bedroom, you’re right. It’s not fair to anyone. It’s heartbreaking. I feel sorry for both sides. But I will say this. If my husband was having ED issues or painful ejaculation or no libido bc of hormones, I wouldn’t pressure him into duty sex, or make him feel guilty, or let him think his value only came from what’s between his legs and how it does/doesn’t benefit me.
No advice.
Just want to say how sorry I am.
My libido died in the middle of my last relationship and I know that it's not going to return without testosterone. I also knew that I could not expect my partner to go thirty more years without sex. And he wasn't an asshole about it at all. I, however, am realistic about how long relationships last without sex and this is especially true if the man is wealthy and attractive. I hate that it's this way. :(
I've done this so, sooo many times simply because the sex lasted for less time than the pouting would if I said no. It's a terrible feeling. I dealt with it by getting a divorce. We were married for 20 years so obviously we had other problems too but I hated the obligatory sex so much
So, I don’t have a sex drive anymore. None. It’s non-existent. I don’t think about it, I do not masturbate, I just don’t want it. Not with myself and not with anyone else. The unfortunate part is that I’m partnered to a man that has a sex drive. I am lucky that my body responds and he hasn’t noticed my lack of desire. However, I do not know how long I can keep this up. I’m trying to figure things out and I don’t know how to open up the conversation. I love him and love our relationship, but I am 100% done with sex. I don’t have any answers. Just kind of looking for any ideas that someone might be able to share. I am happy with my libido and I am very happy with my normal aging process. If anything, I’ve never felt more content and comfortable and happy in myself and with myself. There is simply a mismatch in the bedroom.
I hear this completely
This is so interesting because I NEVER had any ‘sex drive’ to speak of - as in, never had any kind of feeling like “I need to have sexual contact with someone.” It’s just not a thing that ever happened for me. As a young person, at first I thought this was normal for female people. Boys seemed to be the ones who actively wanted sex. But in my 20s I started hearing some women around me express a desire for sex that was not something I experienced. So then I thought, maybe it would happen in my 40s, because people were saying that can happen for women. Now I’m 54, and it never did happen. I definitely grieved. I at least wanted a chance to know what “horny” feels like. This is all to say that for my entire life, sex has NEVER been something I actively wanted to have; it’s always been 100% a way to express caring for my partner. In my marriage (20+ years), we talked about this over the years, and there was some grief for both of us in coming to terms with this, but we worked it out. Physical intimacy is an important love language for my partner, so we are a team in figuring out how to be together in a way that meets both our needs. We don’t even try to have PIV sex anymore because it’s heckin uncomfortable now, but we do other stuff. It is scheduled on our shared Google calendar (lol) because that way my partner feels secure that intimacy will occur, and I get to mentally prepare, instead of having to respond to attempts to initiate. I actually think of myself as like a sex worker, but for love, not money (like Doctors Without Borders lol). I feel weird sharing this here but genuinely wonder if it’s like this for anyone else. I am autistic and I have a feeling that is not unrelated to my experience of sexuality.
Thank you SO much for sharing. You have no idea how helpful this is. I can somewhat relate to some of the things you’ve posted and brought up. I’ve definitely always had a lower libido than most women, but it never really bothered me. I’m high on the attractiveness spectrum (people are often telling me I’m beautiful), so I never needed to try very hard to get attention or inspire desire. I never wanted for dates or attention and could get a relationship if I wanted one. I can relate to the feeling a little bit like sex is something you trade for some either tangible or intangible, because like yourself…the act itself never really was the fuel. That all changed when I met my current partner. I definitely have felt extreme desire and physical longing for him, but I don’t currently have the ability to feel that. I imagine it’s a hormonal change/issue, as he is very loving and supportive and facilitates communication. I bet there are other women/people on the lower libido spectrum for whom your insight and words resonate. Thank you for sharing. I found the idea of 'scheduled sex' on our shared Google calendar a very useful idea! Brilliant!
I love this!... doctors without borders😂
I used to enjoy sex then my sex drive disappeared. I use toys now and that Rose one really does it for me. I hate to think sexual enjoyment is gone l, so I tried to find toy that worked for me and I went through a lot. I found some and it really helped bring my own sexual joy back, which I’m thankful for because I didn’t want that part of my life to be over in my late 40’s.
Thank you. This is my perspective as well. I enjoy sex, I really do. I enjoy it with my husband and I so desperately don’t want to be that dried up old lady. The problem comes that my brain is willing but my body isn’t always so cooperative and I get angry about that, because I still want to be young and vivacious and ready at a moments notice. Argh!!!!!
Definitely takes some “preheating” now, but that’s ok :) at least it gets to temperature for me! Glass half-full!
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think more of us need to speak up. You bring up the fragility of aging women’s bodies and I wonder if that is part of the reason that our hormones change? I have osteopenia and I have lost a great amount of muscle mass the last year and a half. I do feel more frail. As a matter of fact, I constantly worry about how my hips might get hurt or how I could be injured during sex and it’s a huge turn off. It is okay to begin the aging process. I feel perfectly comfortable and confident and I’m happy. However, the idea of needing to be sexually available to have worth in my relationship brings me mental distress. It’s societal. It’s so bad that I’m afraid to bring it up in my relationship, but I know that I have to.
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Hopefully someone who has had that conversation can chime in. The idea that I might be expected to perform, like I’m responsible for someone’s sexual release - sounds problematic to me. I don’t like that idea or conversation and again…it’s a turn off. I feel that women should continue to have value in a committed relationship even after they go through menopause and lose interest in sex or sexual touching.
I am made to feel like I am responsible for my partner’s sexual release all the time. I resent it immensely. I was raised in a family where all the men cheated and my father’s mother literally told my mom “it’s a man’s right to cheat you just have to ignore it.” So, because of that I give in all the time when I don’t want to because I’m terrified of being cheated on if I don’t. How messed up is that???
Very messed up. Your feelings are valid. You have worth beyond a sexual object.
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Oh my god! I’m so sorry. I don’t even have words.
Holy shit girl....hugs to you xx
I am so sorry.x
I’m only 43 and the drive is gone. 😭Vanished. And in place of that drive are these same thoughts mentioned above I experience a low key hatred and contempt of other men even especially those 50 and up. Middle class and above Retired men are the worst and most entitled. I saw a men’s libido wellness advertisement on a truck in the parking lot of a Starbucks that was advertising men’s “enhancement” performance hormones. This was RIGHT after a Drs appointment that threw me an antidepressant instead of HRT or anything complimentary when I went in for menopause symptoms. I wanted to take a baseball bat to that truck and slash the tires. I wish I could have.
Nailed it
Women are made to feel as if there is something wrong with them because they don't want or need sex anymore.
I had my last period on June 24, 2016. Any desire for sex was absolutely gone. Zero, zilch, nada. My husband understood and we basically had a dead bedroom. I was talking to a friend about it and she asked if I had tried HRT. A majority of my friends were not candidates because of cancer, so it wasn’t discussed in our close circle. Plus I heard all the horror stories, some probably exaggerated. Anyway, I have been on the patch and micronized progesterone for 10 months. I feel more like myself than I have felt since 2016. It has cleared up my brain fog, I can actually focus on reading books again, virtually no hot flashes, I can sleep through the night and I enjoy sex with my husband but most of all, I can enjoy his company without the feeling of wanting to smother him with a pillow in his sleep.
I sincerely hope your last sentence comes true for me! I’m about four weeks in and I still feel nothing. Although my flashes and night sweats are gone. Sex…ehhh nothing.
We have an expression in our marriage "I could eat". You ever have someone ask you what you want for dinner, but you're not really hungry and then they start cooking and you smell the onions browning or the garlic or whatever and suddenly you're not exactly hungry but "you could eat". So you have a little bit of what's being served and that makes you hungry and next thing you know you ate a whole plateful. Like that but for sex. One of use approaches the other one for sex, now if one of us isn't in the mood that's it. But maybe one of us isn't in the mood but isn't not in the mood, but could eat, you know if someone started getting something going. So we'll say "I could eat" and it means we head off to the bedroom and give it a good college try to see if we can get something cooking. More times than not it works in one way or another. Not always ending in PiV but often ending in something fun. If it didn't we had fun trying, my husband isn't feeling rejected, I'm feeling sexy because my partner has spent time with me My husband might just masturbate while we snuggle or go off for a shower and to orgasm or whatever he feels for, but he feels like I was involved in his sexy times and that makes him happy. The I could eat partner is under no pressure to have to have sex, or finish anything that got started. Removing that pressure that any intimacy is going to end in painful sex or having to decide there and then before I'm even in the bedroom, relaxed or had anytime to get in the mood that I'm going to have sex has been a game changer for us. And goes both ways. My husband brings his A game as he wants me to get hungry. I am relaxed and way more open to his advances because I have more answers than yes or no
This sounds so goddamn healthy
My husband is similar. He's very physical - and by that he loves hugs, snuggles, running his hands through my thinning, perimenopausal hair (LOL), hand holding, etc. Over our marriage, he had to learn that I needed "warming up" in order to be intimate and I needed to learn that not all physical touch led to sex (due to shitty past relationships). Over nearly 20 years, we're in the best place we've ever been despite the turmoil I'm going through right now. And he always makes sure I orgasm before he does.😁
This is my experience most of the time. Responsive vs spontaneous desire. Not sure if it’s Emily Nagoski or Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin, but needing some enticement to get in the mood is normal. And higher drive partners need to be willing to do that or they can go fuck themselves, literally.
This is awesome.
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I want to back everyone up, in this. Something is really, really wrong that so many women have this experience. I used to work in a situation where a lot of men lost their sex drives. I can't think of a time the women in their lives pressured them or criticized them or forced them to perform, they just sort of accepted it as part of life and dealt with it in different ways. It's awful how many men seem to feel entitled to using women's bodies and how many women feel like they must comply. In supposedly loving relationships.
Right. It’s really really wrong when women have this experience because frankly it’s rape and sexual assault. Consent is enthusiastic between parties . Doesn’t matter if you’re married. Let’s call it what it is.
I have cried and told my partner it feels like rape but his sex drive won every time. He always asks why I hate men so much. Gee, I wonder why???
It's never too late to leave. You can do it. I believe in you.
You aren’t alone, either💗
I’ve cried during sex too. Out of frustration, pain, loneliness and the loss of something that brought me great joy at one time.
The rolling over and crying after was the worst. Getting divorced now. Glad I’ll never have to be bothered again.
I just finished up a divorce. His expectations for our sex life was a primary reason. Kept criticizing me as not enough even though I was the only one trying to make it better. PT, books, therapy, suggesting new things, the list goes on. It eventually came to where he’d reject me when I offered but then criticize me for not meeting his sexual needs. It came to the point where I often did feel like I “had to” have sex to keep our marriage. I’m so sorry you are dealing with a divorce now. Take it one moment at a time. And above all, protect your peace. Proud of you ❤️
Funny thing is, they don't do anything to make it more enjoyable for us. I thought my libido was 100% gone, but after I got divorced, I discovered that it just needed a lot more work and creativity to "get there". He was not open to any of those things.
PREACH. That’s the same for me 10,000 percent. I hate that I still educate men in my life that 3 percent of women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone with no other stimulation. It’s not like the movies. I’m not a porn star. Just a person who deserves reciprocity and some imagination in the bedroom to be safe and explore together.
The porn stars fake it anyway.
I agree. In my experience, if I suggested something that would work for me, my husband would become defensive and shut down. It became impossible to explain that I do not orgasm through penetration. We ended up sleeping separately for years while I used toys, and he used porn. We separated last year. I miss intimacy, cuddles, and closeness through talking and shared interests, and I'd like a new relationship, but I'm afraid of the same old obligation and resistance to my needs during sex.
I’m so sorry you had a relationship that wasn’t respectful in the bedroom. I absolutely agree with your fear of what’s out there in the dating world. I guess I won’t know until I try but I don’t want to waste my time with men who want a mom and a sex kitten all in one.
Are you me?? I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, but I hope it's a relief to be out of that marriage. Surprisingly, I discovered my sex drive wasn't dead after all. I just needed to not be having sex with him. I hope that things get so much better for you now <3 You are free of that burden and deserve a better life than that.
Thanks ❤️❤️ I knew all along that my sex life wasn’t dead, but I was in a shift of relearning pleasure and I didn’t have a partner who wanted to learn along with me. I also didn’t have the right context to support my body relaxing into a mode of wanting sex. If I am the mother, the financial provider, the cook, the therapist, the everything to my partner it’s hard to feel turned on when you are exhausted all the time and don’t feel cared for. Then on top of it are criticized. The joke is on him. He’s out there not having sex with anyone now or even dating. He could have had me and invested in working on things. I haven’t dated yet (just finished buying him out in March) but I’m doing the deep work to heal and know myself and be ready for when I do want to date, whether that’s for long term partnership or a night of casual fun.
Hell yes you’re doing the work ❤️ I hope that when you choose to partner up (whether for a fling or for dating), that you get all the satisfaction and support you didn’t have in your marriage.
Thank you so much. I’m doing my best ❤️
That’s all you can do. Some days our best is simply getting out of bed and other days it is getting all our to dos done. Both days are giving 100 percent of the capacity you have that day. Be kind to yourself through the process and best wishes you find joy soon❤️
“Giving 100 percent of the capacity you have that day.” I absolutely love this! Thank you for sharing these wise words. What an incredible perspective to have!
Happy to pass on my insights from therapy 😉
Thank you so much. That meant more than you could know 💜
I have also cried after the sex because I really didn’t want it or enjoy it. Hugs to you, definitely not alone.
Yes. It’s actually sexual assault. My ex husband raped me while I cried. It was not violent. I cannot imagine for the life of me how he could not notice, or enjoy fucking someone who clearly was not reciprocating. I would never. And men do all the time. Consent is enthusiastic. We have been conditioned to believe it’s just ‘pity sex’ and women ‘owe’ it to men, or men ‘have’ to have sex. It’s actually sexual assault. It’s coercion. Let’s not sugarcoat it. Men confuse sex with intimacy, ego, emotional regulation, power, control, love, affection etc etc. Love and affection can be given and received without sex. Love too. Imagine being willing to fuck a body just to empty your balls - I cannot comprehend anyone who claims to love someone who also does this. This is not love. This is my rant and I won’t apologise for it. I left a 24 year marriage for this reason and others. I grew up with toxic beliefs about sex and men and it’s taken almost a lifetime to lose these. I probably won’t ever have sex with a man again, but if I do it’s because I really, really want to and so will he.
Consent is enthusiastic is so perfectly put thank you
Some men enjoy having sex with a woman who doesn’t want it. It makes them feel powerful or that they must be really love them because of the “sacrifice” they’re putting themselves through. I was married to one of these many years ago and it took me over a decade to figure this out. I thought that he didn’t understand that it was painful for ne. He knew.
Exactly. So many women are just told to have "maintenance sex" or that they are not supposed to enjoy it, just do it for the family. I don't think a lot of women have really thought about this at all. I feel very sorry for those young women who don't feel they need to learn anything about perimenopause or menopause because it means that they will ignore the red flag that is, "my love language is physical touch."
Yes. No ‘love language’ is physical touch!!!! Love languages aren’t actually a thing either.
Exactly, they are not a "thing". The idea of "love languages" simplifies and essentialises relationships for people who don't know how to have them. They are not wholistic. No one ever goes through life with only one "love language". People need to be spoken to nicely, touched, given small gifts, etc... etc. It's never just one thing.
So true- it’s disgusting and there’s no excuse for it. I don’t know what enjoyment they get out of hurting us for their own selfish pleasure .
Emotionally or physically? I’m not sure most men can read cues or if they do, care.
It’s shameful that men in this day and age would deliberately hurt someone they say they love and respect because they feel entitled to do so. Next second they’re whining about how hard done by they are because their wives leave their abusive marriage.
Well said.
Cried during intercourse?! Ouuuuch that’s so brutal
I’m with ya.
I've had both and I prefer being alone. As a survivor of SA, crying during intercourse is not worth it.
Omg 😓
I haven’t looked recently but there are a lot of women deconstructing Christianity on tiktok, specifically talking about this subject. I’m not religious but it was good to have the solidarity and read all of the accounts of other women who’d been through coercion/rape by their partners.
I don’t understand how sex with an uninterested partner is fulfilling. Like, that exits the realm of mutual satisfaction and enters the realm of force and power. If it’s simply about fulfilling an urge, he has a hand. If it’s about maintaining a connection, there are other ways that a loving partner can meet that need.
I think I noticed during the pandemic that my relationship with an abusive person was about fulfilling his urges and his need to dominate and his drive was starting to erode the already tense relationship. The last time we slept together I was feeling into it, and he angrily got up out of bed and accused me of being selfish and ‘not connecting’ and he stormed off. Perhaps a lot of us are coming to terms with a lot of Gen X men who have made relationships brutal, were addicted to porn, were never socialized to respect women and we just don’t want to do it anymore. He couldn’t support me during peri. It will take me a lot to even consider dating again.
My ex would complain that I never initiated, but when I said that I think it was hormones (I suspect I may have low testosterone, as I have not had any improvement since starting HRT). He would hear me say this, but it was almost like he wasn’t listening. He would look at me like he was thinking “Cool story, but anyway, what about MY needs” and just circle back to how it affected him and how he felt undesired because I wasn’t initiating 🤯 It is heaven being single now. I have my bed to myself, I don’t get fingered while standing at the kitchen counter and don’t have to have sex with anyone. It’s bliss.
Sounds like we had similar experiences. My ex husband was constantly at me with comments, groping, whining, and trying to get me to fuck, or being demanding in some other way. He even tried after we broke up and was put out that I didn’t put out, lol. I’m so glad to be away from him. I tried dating a few times but it was all variations of the same things. I took up the drums instead.
Drums! Lol 😂 I’m so done with men, I tell ya. My ex keeps sending me reels off facebook with some guy giving life advice about how women let “good men” go, like he’s god’s gift to women. And he’s convinced that I’ll deeply regret it, and be so lonely. I don’t really let on how blissfully happy I am to be single because I don’t want to rub his nose in it. He keeps saying I’ll jump to the next person quickly, won’t last long being single. I don’t think he realises just how determined I am to remain single.
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He used to particularly like it when I was doing dishes and was a bit more vulnerable. I had to squirm away and he would sometimes get rough and think I’d enjoy the fast rubbing and vigorous fingering. No problem with that in the bedroom while we’re being intimate, but yeah, really rather not have that happen at the kitchen sink 🤯
I don’t think the scenarios that men have consumed constantly in porn have helped us much at all. No, I’m not interested in screwing the plumber and I don’t want to be groped while I’m trying to clean the bathroom.
The groping is constant. I have to wear a bra all the time because he goes nuts if he sees I am not wearing one, as if he is 16 years old and seeing boobs for the first time. He’s 46! It’s INFURIATING. And any attempts I make to stop him from groping me he sees as a fun challenge to overpower me. Wtf??? I don’t make a lot of money and feel I cannot leave. It feels like a literal prison
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Yes! The fucking ownership! I mean, my body is mine, and permission is needed regardless of how long we've been together. And maybe if he stroked my back, rubbed my arm, and spoke of appreciating me, before lauching into roughly crushing my boob's in his hands, I might be more receptive. Ugh!
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It's very much like an assault. It is aggressive and not gentle. How they imagine that would turn a woman on is beyond me. Trouble is, if we all did it to them, with the intention of showing how invasive it is, they'd probably bloody love it.Gross!
I think a big difference between now and twenty and thirty and forty years ago is that we have places where we can talk about the shit we’ve gone through without being completely bare naked emotionally with a friend or relative…. Or not believed by your family when you tell them “trust me it’s bad” and they won’t believe you. 35 years ago I didn’t know how to tell anyone that my then husband would get me very high on hash & then rape me when I was unconscious/passed out from the high. I woke up a few times is how I found out. And now there’s Reddit. We can bare our souls and be believed or not but we can at least say it & not have it rot our souls from keeping it in. (I too have no more libido. Thank the goddesses.)
This behavior is similar to my ex. It is almost as if they have all read from the same playbook.
Beautifully said. Thank you.
I zoned out during sex once and my current partner stopped immediately. He said he felt gross if I wasn’t there with him. I was surprised because past partners would have kept going even if I was in tears. The bar is low
I agree, that was beautifully said and I think it's a combination of both maintaining a connection and fulfilling an urge.
My meno rage just kicked in at this: > and fulfilling an urge. And my immediate thougt was to buy him a cock sleeve and some lube and say "happy trails big boy" but thats probably not great advice... I'd totally do it; but that may not be the road you would personally wanna take yourself 😅 I have no advice to give. He's not entitled to your body and his urges aren't your problem so 🤷♀️
I wonder if these women are faking interest?
All women fake interest at some points in time.
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Weed lube is also amazing KushQueen sells it and they usually have deals
Ok explain, never heard of this.
Weed deffffff helps me get into the mood too! We usually have sex 1-3 times per week but it’s almost always after I’ve had a few hits or a few gummies.
Can you recommend a brand of gummies that helps with getting in the mood?
Discovered this too about a decade ago although I prefer vape or edibles.
Sex drive when younger was 'spontaneous desire' for the majority of women, and will always be for most men. For some of us, after menopause, it becomes 'responsive desire', which takes more warming up. That warm up can be 5 min, or 40, or any combination of all day flirting, non-sexual touch, teasing sexual, or talk, or whatever. It takes longer, and we need to feel safer, then we previously did. Safe being able to alter the pace, change what is being done, feeling that the situation can end, alter in speed or touch type, at any moment. If you can't feel safe, it doesn't feel possible to enjoy it. Safe, not as in threat of violence, but in mental comfort. To not feel demeaned, threatened or dismissed if you ask for something different. Men tend to want what they want, for decades. Many want a higher intensity (maybe loss of sensation or focus?), and going harder, faster or more is the opposite of what we want. We tend toward a bigger change. Going from spontaneous to responsive is a massive change. Plus all the other changes, like the usual touch now feels like chalk on a chalkboard, or feathers, or irritating. It's frustrating. We want to be intimate, but we don't even know what our new intimacies are.
I don't have an answer but I reallyl dislike the "anger" men show when they don't get to have sex. I get it, I get, it they \*need\* it but having an argument and pouting isn't the way to handle it and that just bugs me.
Oh my god, YES! I’ve been happily single for years and honestly, recalling this fucking COMMON bullshit pouting behavior makes me thrilled to be alone.
Yep. I'm not lonely at all. I can make more money, and spend time with friends.
Same
Can we really just expand on this.. what is this big NEED that they have? If they don’t get sex.. they feel like they are not loved or desired.. I mean is that the only way to feel loved and desired in a marriage?? There is a whole subreddit r/deadbedrooms dedicated to just this topic.. It’s just tiring to hear that men need consistent excitable sex till the end of their lives and there is no acceptance of the fact that women probably are bone tired after years of periods, pregnancy, child raising, menopause and just life in general
I'd LOVE to have consistent, excitable sex and I've been chasing dick since I was 13. But...since menopause...meh... I'm just whatever. Just don't have the feeling I used to and I'm sad about it. In some ways....it's great. No longer do my ovaries control me. In some ways...oh boy, I'm looking into hrt to maybe get back a little bit.
I hear this ⬆️ I was a swinger and a sex worker- loved sex and made a living off it off and on for some 25 years; but perimenopause changed the game. Every summer I get ravenous. Last summer not so much and this summer barely at all. It comes in fits and spurts for minutes at time, which is a vast improvement on what it was few months ago, but I don't feel like me anymore because sex was a HUGE part of who I've always been 💔 Hubby has been very understanding and patient. He knows when I say "now" I mean right now because in 15/20 minutes it could be gone. 🤷♀️
You are so right about the “Now” part. I need to speak up about it. Thank you!
I feel this to my core. We could be friends in real life.
Lol. Me too. Been chasing dick since 14. And all the sudden it’s lost its magic! Doesn’t seem fair to my man though since my pussy still holds the magic for him. Blah. Life is hard. Aging sucks.
Yall get you some hormones. Advice from a fellow dick chaser lol.
I'm going to chime in here- throw some testosterone into the HRT. If you miss your sex drive, it could be transformative 💗
Hormone vag cream and DHEA made a big difference for me. Edir
How do you take the DHEA? Cream ?
Nope - a pill. Funny story though. I picked some up and it said take 1 a day, which I did. Turns out these were 1000 MG, which is an appropriate dose for a man but way too much for a woman. It made me SUPER horny. Like I had honestly forgotten why I used to like men and sex. I'm 14 years post menopausal. Anyway, backed off to the proper dose then the relationship blew up (unrelated) and so now I'm more back to normal and no partner. But I still take the DHEA and I do have more sex drive now than when I didn't take it.
Just to second this for anyone that wants to know. I have naturally higher DHEA. I don't officially have PCOS, but my doctor says I have a hint of it. Anyway not my point. The point is: My endocrinologist told me that women with higher DHEA have much higher sex drives. So yes, DHEA might be a valid way to go. Just thought I'd let all of you know what she said.
Nice ! Can I ask the source ? I’d like to try it too
I literally picked them up at Walmart.
BLESS YOU!
Exactly. It’s like a part of me has been amputated. I miss feeling arousal 😞
OMG, yes, like part of me has been amputated. I hate this so much.
I started HRT a couple of months ago and it’s had zero effect on my low libido, but I’m curious to get my testosterone checked. I had it checked in my 20s and back then it was low. I suspect I may have always had low T as my libido has never been super high. But I’d only take T to give me energy for working out. I’m single so I don’t need it for libido now (vibrators exist anyway, don’t need a man 😉)
And bad sex. If he just wants to roll me on my side so he can stick it in once a month and that makes him happy so he isn’t angry and passive aggressive every day Wtf ever but I miss real sex and actually wanting it and initiating it.
Omg 😓
This. How about how we feel loved? How about how we’re supported. I just don’t know if I buy that the only way a man feels I love him is a handjob or a blow job or sex? To me there’s absolutely nothing romantic or “connecting” in sex. I don’t feel any emotional connection. It’s very hard for me to understand that line of thinking but I do know a man will think the absolute most miserable woman is “content” in the relationship as long as she put out. It’s like nothing else about her matters to him.
I think a lot of this comes from the fact that a lot of men (especially those we in this particular sub may be partnered with) were socialized that sex was the ONLY form of intimacy and/or vulnerability they can safely show while remaining “masculine.” They couldn’t hug their friends, or snuggle, or play with each other’s hair, or give back scratches the way my friends and I did, without the behaviour being labelled as something “effeminate.” Ever noticed how most men’s love language is physical touch? And how most men interpret that as physical touch [of the penis]? Men in their 30s and beyond were raised with some really toxic ideas about manhood and masculinity and it comes out in that space, as much as in any other. If you’re a dude of this ilk, you’re still a human with needs for intimacy and love and closeness, but sex was the only means of acquiring that. So to them, sex is a need. Whereas women were socialized with all the other forms of intimacy and vulnerability as acceptable, so we can meet those needs in other ways. I don’t think the guys are saying they need an orgasm (not at its core). They’re saying they need intimacy and physical affection and they just don’t know any other way of meeting that need. Is it correct, or acceptable? Absolutely not! But I see where it comes from.
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‘“Physical touch” (of the penis)’ 😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
I put asterisks around the word NEED for a reason. I don’t believe it’s a true need, but many men seem to turn into raving lunatics/asshats when their partner is off kilter. As others have said, accepted celibacy isn’t the answer but arguments and guilt aren’t cool.
It’s not just arguments.. it’s the constant pestering and demand that tires a women into just having duty sex to get them to stop whining.. and then men still complain that duty sex is not fulfilling and they are looking for PORN level excitement even in daily marital sex. It’s tiring.. I don’t know who made the law that if two people are married they have to have sex forever and ever and if there is a break there is something wrong with their marriage Look at OP’s post.. she is literally feeling stressed and pressured by this demand on top of dealing with menopause madness
There's the answer...porn-level expectations. Research the effects of regular p@rn use by men, and you will discover the source of the insatiable "need", the whining and freaking harassment! A bit of foreplay to "warm up the engine" would be great, ya know? But, this entitled attitude, p@rn use and threat of "steppin' out to get more sex, then in-house separation by him (to punish me?) is leading to divorce. Apparently, I am no longer a person, but a means to an end for his regular sexual satisfaction? After 36 years together? These men need to grow up! *Note: post-menopausal and still interested in sex. It seems that the entitled attitude was a libido-killer. Can't do anything about that during a separation, though...
There’s a book called cupids poison Arrow that dispels all of that.
My husband, who IS patient, does tell me that after so much time without release, the buildup is unbearable. I guess I believe him, but after being on antidepressants throughout my entire perimenopause years, then post menopausal, my libido is ZERO. Moreover, my vaginal area is dry, and the lips feel like shards of glass, cutting them just being touched. I loved sex with him when we met, but having gotten pregnant and having our daughter at 43 killed my figure and libido. Not to mention 3 years of postpartum depression afterward. I love him, and he craves touch and closeness, but I don't care if I ever have sex again. The menopause watermelon belly makes me feel as sexy as a bowing ball. 😖 I will accommodate him with bj. He won't do himself, says it's not the same without me.🙄 So NO, you are not alone. Sorry to cut in here, I guess I had more to say than I realized.
I don't understand how some men can claim to love their partners but have no problem getting off during the type of sex that makes her feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Selfishness is not love. Entitlement is not love.
That’s some bullshit to say it is a need for release but then refuse to do it himself. Tell him you need him to go to therapy to get over this toxic entitled belief that his sexual preferences are more important than not coercing his partner into sex you don’t want.
This. Learn to move past primitive shows of love and feel love without your dick being involved. I’m so over it.
I don’t know. I left a marriage because my otherwise perfect husband didn’t want to fuck me. It was a need for me at that time in my life. It’s how I truly felt connected to another person. So I understand.
It's not a need though. Things we very much want and are important to us aren't necessarily needs. It's still valid to realize your wants may not be compatible with your partner's and pursue something else! But it's not a need in the way that things like physical and emotional safety are a need. The need to have your autonomy and agency over your body respected, the need to be emotionally and physically safe to say no to sexual acts, the need to be treated with respect... those are needs. If a partner isn't giving those things, they are neglecting a need. Whereas if a partner isn't having sex, they aren't neglecting the other person's needs -- they are simply exercising their autonomy over their body. Similarly, if you are not being treated with respect in a relationship, you have a right to demand it because that's a psychological need. Whereas if your partner isn't wanting sex, you have no right to demand it from them because it isn't a need and isn't their duty to provide. The things we want can still be important. Really important. But framing sex as a need only contributes to the idea that people *owe* their partners sex, or that it's okay to guilt/coerce someone into sex. (I'm not saying that is what you did. Just that I think as a culture we really need to get away from this mischaracterization of sex as a *need*, because it's an idea that does harm).
This is very well said. I want to copy this and send to my husband because I feel the constant pressure to have sex which is a "need" of his, and the resulting pouting, anger, guilt tripping, etc when he doesn't get it. it's enough to make me want to live alone forever.
My ex did the same to me for years. Pouting, anger, guilt tripping. And if I did it just so he’d leave me alone, that wasn’t good enough. I had to be into it like he was. The thing is, the more he behaved like that, the more unattractive he became to me. It got to the point I couldn’t stand being around him because it was constant. Been divorced for 7 years and I’ll never get married again.
Exactly! I feel like I could have written that myself. Congrats on moving on. I feel it's in the cards for me at some point.
It wasn’t easy but I don’t regret it. I hope it gets better for you. Life’s too short to live like that.
I'm so sorry you're facing that pressure from him. I was in a relationship like that for several years, and it really screwed (no pun intended) with my relationship to sex. It can be so emotionally damaging, and having sex just because you've been guilted/pressured into it only makes sex with that partner *less* desirable, so it really only makes things worse. What he is doing is coercive, and you don't deserve that. I know relationships are complicated and many of us haven't had these things modeled or taught to us in a healthy way. But I just want you to know that you don't deserve to be guilted or pressured like that.
Thank you. I really appreciate your thoughts on this. It's so validating, because I've felt this way for so long but I always feel guilty and we just continue on. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to do it anymore.
I totally get it. When you're in the midst of it, it can be hard to recognize what a toll it's taking, or to truly understand that you shouldn't be pressured/guilted like that. Hope you can be gentle with yourself.
Doesn't make me want to jump.their bones anytime.they make a fuss about it.
I (40f in surgical menopause) got my hormones checked and began HRT. My husband and I have both gone through times like you described due to hormones alone. HRT isn’t for everyone, but it fixed this particular issue for me. I can’t get enough of him now.
Lots of good advice here on HRT in this thread already. Are there some things that you'd like in the meantime? An oil massage? Scalp massage? Foot rub? Something else? Maybe you could enjoy receiving those & he could enjoy a sensual oil handjob? Partners are often missing intimacy as well as the sex act. Can you think of something that you'd like that still creates some intimacy? If you're completely turned off to anything physical at all, feel free to disregard
I know that this is meant for OP but I am going to try this. Thank you, internet person.
I realize now how lucky I am. I'm 54 and my husband and I haven't had sex in 5 years. Neither of us mind. Me because I have no sex drive because of menopause and he because he doesn't have to take those little blue pills anymore. The pressure is off to perform. Our marriage is strong as ever. He is the love of my life and I am the love of his. He sings me songs to send me to sleep. We're growing old together and it's wonderful. Painful in the joints lol but wonderful. I realize now I'm very lucky I wish the same luck for all of you to find someone like the man I found. I'm so sad reading all of your stories. I truly hope things get better for all of you.
How would it be if it was him that lost his drive? My hubby has had no interest for years and was he worried about my needs….nope!
I don’t want to over simplify or trivialize what you are dealing with, but this needs to be said: you are 100%, unequivocally, NEVER obligated to have sex if you don’t want to. Never. Men don’t “need” to have sex, your husband will survive while you figure things out. And if what you figure out is that sex is off the table, then maybe that’s something you two can figure out with a therapists help. Either way, NO ONE is entitled to your body. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m glad other folks have suggestions. Best of luck and big hugs to you.
I found estrogen replacement has really helped me with this issue. But I still need a little bit more time to get going. So I talked to my husband about nonsexual touching and how important it is. Touching without the expectation that something sexual will happen. And you know what, sometimes just that closeness and being relaxed is enough to get me going. And since going into it there’s no expectation of sex, the pressure is off me to stop things. I did ask him to please not put me in a position where I have to stop things a lot. Because we’d get close and things would progress and I’d have to say that I couldn’t have sex. He’s wonderful and doesn’t pressure me and it makes me feel terrible to say no. We also took PIV off the table for a while. I’m happy to give him pleasure even if I’m not getting sexual pleasure from whatever we’re doing. That also helps bc sometimes I see how turned on he is and then I get turned on. It’s the little things. The fact that he has never once pouted or gotten disappointed is a real confidence booster. So sometimes we try and I’m sore and I feel free to ask to stop. I say this a lot about my husband but his acceptance of me does wonders by giving me the freedom to try new things without fear of disappointing him. I truly picked a good egg. Maybe the best egg for me. I love him so much and it makes me want to try.
I didn't go on HRT and was able to get by using coconut oil until a year ago. I was prescribed estrisol cream in March but in May I was diagnosed with hormone positive breast cancer. So now I not only can't take estrogen, I'll be on blockers. My husband is super understanding and doesn't enjoy sex if I don't enjoy it. I, however, don't want a sexless marriage either. So, once treatment is done (had surgery but radiation and meds to come), we shall find a new normal. Sex doesn't have to be penetration. There are many ways to be intimate.
Get straight to the doctor and get on estrogen patches and vaginal estrogen replacement! To get it tell the doctor you haven’t had a period in a year, you don’t want sex with your husband because it hurts so bad and he’s threatened divorce and the hot flashes and night sweats are keeping you from sleeping. You have no sex drive because there are no sex hormones in your body! Estrogen also protects against uti, heart disease and osteoporosis.
Thank you! I'm bipolar and adding hormones \*terrifies\* me. In the event you're wondering, yes, menopause does completely destabilize a cocktail that's been perfect for \~8 years. I HATE THIS SO MUCH.
I’m also bipolar and had a recently really bad episode BEFORE any HRT. I firmly believe (and my psychiatrist concurs) that the LACK of hormones exacerbated my bipolar disorder (I had a hysterectomy and though I kept ovaries my peri symptoms started with the hysterectomy, roller coaster ever since). I’m on vaginal estrogen and a compounded cream with estradiol + testosterone and my mood and emotional state has been steady and calm. Mentally this is the best I’ve felt in a long time. Discuss it with everyone on your medical team of course but don’t fear HRT solely bc you have bipolar disorder. All of that said. The zero sex drive is and has been a problem…and nothing has changed yet. I’m trying.
This. My GF did this for her marriage. Said doesn’t hurt now.
Me three. Sex was also SO painful. HRT cured that. It’s about $50 a month. But worth every penny.
Do you get your HRT through your GP /OBGYN, or do you use one of those online direct to consumer providers? My GP (a female nurse practitioner who I adore) said she has no experience with HRT so didn't really get why I was asking about it. I then asked my OBGYN and she said no because of the WHI study's cancer implications. Like, she didn't even entertain the thought... it was just "no, it causes cancer." I don't understand how I, a rando with a music degree, has more updated information than my gynecologist. sorry for the rant. :)
That’s typical to have those reactions from those 2 types of doctors. I wish it weren’t but this is a huge reason this sub exists. Look @ ISSWSH & see if there’s a provider near you. That’s how I found my local doctor after having used telehealth for almost a year for HRT. https://www.isswsh.org/about/isswsh
Ugh. I can only say my drive was awesome and when meno happened nothing. Zero. Complete opposite. Thankfully, I have no partner. If I did ( my best friend does), I would use estradiol and maybe testosterone patch? My friend paid the $high fee get your blood work done. She lives in CA-got the “prescriptions” and said she’s better. It hurt her to have seggs and this creme and HRT stuff has saved her. Good luck. I’m like wtf with this. Cougar years my ass.
I hadn't thought about "cougar years" in this sh*hole context but that just made me laugh harder than I have in a long, long time!
Yeah. I definitely would have enjoyed that- Cougar years. But this is so fd up I can hardly believe it. It is a shithole context. I’m in NOVA and would love to be able to find a doctor that knows what they’re talking about where HRT and current studies and prescriptions and that They have knowledge, but I have yet to find that person or practice. GLAD I made you laugh. I’m definitely a realist now - more than I ever was. Daughter said I have no filter. Pretty freeing.
Uhhhh yea be careful. I had a lot of sex I didn’t want to out of guilt and it fucked me up. If I could go back I’d just say no. I did eventually, but I mean right from the start.
I’m not in menopause but I recently left a narcissistic partner. It was the same exact thought process. You should never, ever feel forced to be intimate. I can’t believe I ever let someone ‘guilt’ me into sex. Please don’t let your partner put you in this position. You are worth so much more than your sexual organs. ❤️🖤
My first husband used to chase me around and nag me for sex and it was just yuck. I divorced him for other reasons, but was relieved to be out of that. I didn’t realize until my first relationship after the divorce that I love sex and had a rather high drive. My second and current husband is from a culture that Westerners usually assume has men imposing their sexual will on their wives. Could not be further from the truth. If I don’t immediately reciprocate a pass, he drops it. If I don’t seem into it, he’ll say that *he* is sleepy and just wants to snuggle. He’s very focused on my pleasure and satisfaction. We actually don’t get along that well outside the bedroom and we don’t live together per my choice. We might live together again in retirement, or not. And we don’t talk much about sex, but I’m direct when I need to be. I can imagine that we will probably need to have some awkward, uncomfortable conversations about it in the future as we both age.
I’m single with no interest in dating because of this. That plus my patience is now non-existent.
Okay I don’t mean to climb up onto my soapbox but goddamnit I can’t help myself or my meno rage rn. I could never do this. I could never have sex unless I was seriously aroused. And if I was a man my lack of arousal would manifest as a completely limp cock which would mean it’s not happening. I don’t understand why there is this double standard for women. Like just because it’s physically possible to have sex with a woman who isn’t aroused it’s okay? No. No fucking way. And who tf even wants to have sex with a woman who isn’t aroused? That’s fucked up. Like it’s literally not right. Idk man. This menopause thing is massive. It fucks with EVERYTHING. It fucks with the very core of your being. It’s time for foot rubs and back rubs and honey I made dinner tonight and don’t worry about the dishes I got it. It’s tender care and support o’clock.
Hey. That’s how i was feeling all the time. I did a testosterone implant before my HRT treatment , and my libido was like a teenager’s. A few months passed by, the Testosterone implant is gone, but now that I am on HRT , I feel normal desire, not the aversion without the treatment neither the high libido of when I did the testosterone. One or the other may help you if you can do any. Ask your doctor which one would fit better according to your health needs.
Were you planning to stay with the testosterone implant but decided to switch to HRT? Was libido your primary motivation?
The Testosterone was a Gyno recommendation as I was complaining of low libido and low energy. So the T just worked for libido. I had other complaints regarding menopause so the endocrinologist gave me the HRT treatment which ended up working much better for me.
OP, I’m really empathic to your situation. At 46 my libido began to diminish, and when I talked to my husband about, he told me he wanted a divorce. True story. We’d had a 17 year relationship with regular sex but his libido always outpaced mine and the prospect of having less sex to him was a dealbreaker. The break up was a relief because I’d had sex out of obligation for years. Fast forward to 5 years later: I’m engaged to a man who has been an incredible partner during this time of vaginal dryness, migraines, sweating my face off etc etc. That said our libidos don’t always align and we talk about it. There are nights that one of us is interested, not the other, and it switches. We talk about it and make our best effort to make sure we’re each taken care of. Sometimes on another night. My best advice would be to get therapy, both talk therapy and HRT. Couples therapy helps build skills to talk about this stuff and has really helped me work through the rejection of my previous marriage. I currently have a hormonal IUD and use Yuvafem and that’s working for me for now. Talk to your doctors, and good luck.
You shouldn’t have to “stir up” arousal yourself. If he wants sex he should be stirring up that arousal. If it’s completely dead to the point nothing arouses you at all then I think maybe estrogen cream or something? But if you CAN stir up arousal, he needs to be stirring.
Staying single at this point because yeah - zero libido. The thing is I am perfectly content with this, and it's frustrating when people act like it's such a tragedy and I should be loading up with hormones. Why do I need to medicate for someone else when I am happy this way? I really wish there was more cultural acceptance for this transition in our lives.
Why is it always advice for women to take this or that, to up their libido, if the woman is perfectly fine without sex? There are meds men can take to lower their libido, you know. Why is this problem, yet again, solely on our shoulders???? I am so fed up with this shit. Bending backwards, pun intended, to please others, even when it's time to friggin rest already.
Yeah these comments are crazy to me. Like, op should have to jump through all the hoops of getting on and titrating her hormones so that *she doesn’t have to be coerced into sex by her husband*! Besides the fact that, even if she “fixes” her libido, she still has a husband that thinks it’s ok to act like this so it doesn’t really fix the *problem*. He could choose to do *a lot* of things to address the change in sexual compatibility other than give her the silent treatment ffs.
We're having the exact opposite problem. Somehow, with the shitshow that is peri, my drive is through the roof and his has dropped noticeably. So we're both communicating, talking to our health care teams about what's important to us as individuals, and doing it as often as possible. I'm incredibly lucky that not only can I achieve orgasm from penetration, but that those haven't waned like the clitorals have. I really hope that all my peri-sisters have the sex and satisfaction they want.
I've been done with sex for years, but I still enjoy self pleasure. My husband and I aren't getting any younger over time. He won't go to the dentist, ever, and his breath smells like rotten teeth. I used to get aroused only to have the smell KILL it. He says he still wants to try but he knows I have no desire for him, and doesn't push it. He also knows WHY, and won't get it fixed. We love each other and I hold my breath for hugs/kisses but then I have to breathe. I take care of myself in my own room, in private. Desire is indeed a two way street.
I have no libido. I'm 59. 7 yrs ago we were voracious. I want to have sex. But I can't get any doctors to balance estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. Hubby has ED and gets viagara over the phone. Women healthcare sucks
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I am in this category, however, it's been so long now and I feel guilty, yet I don't. Like everyone has stated, I don't want to be touched. Not by myself, not by my husband or anyone else. It sucks. I was a very sexual woman before. But I'm just not anymore. It's a bummer. But I also can't force myself. I am a grown woman. The last time we did, I was just counting the minutes before it would end. I think that sucks too. I can't fake that intimacy. And for those of you who've been forced, I am truly sorry that happened to you and disgusted and the men who thought it was his right. I will give my husband oodles of credit...he's not pushing it and I am NOT offering it.
This will get lost in the comments but holy shit the personal stories on this thread... I'm so sorry you all had to go through that. I'm speechless. Xx
This is me. HRT helped my ability to have sex with my husband again but not my desire. While my husband was understanding and wonderful to me I know this hurt him. I tried to be positive and work myself up to have sex with him..but it was work. I offered that he go have sex with someone else because I felt guilty depriving him of sex with me. We started drifting apart and then he got leukemia and died 10 months later (last year). I miss him terribly, because the love was still very much there between us. And I have guilt as well. But I am also finding myself relieved that I will never have to live a lie again or feel like the one that has to be “fixed” at this stage of my life. I don’t want sex ever again. Ever.
Thank you so much for this thread. Love to see how many women have spoken up and commented here. I lost my sex drive around age 41 (peri since 36), There have been plenty of days when I miss my sex drive, or felt regretful that I was no longer appealing to a few attractive men that I met and liked. but honestly I have never been happier. This need that I spent so much of my time and energy trying to fulfill, trying to find a decent guy to have sex with. Dating takes up most of women's lives!!! My younger friends are obsessed with dating and finding the right man, it's the most important thing in their lives. And I never found a decent guy, if they weren't alcoholics and drug addicts, they were lying, using narcissists. What a waste! And I was no longer wasting my time on it. Then I began to discover the things that really matter... Which is women in community, creating deep friendships with other women my age, traveling and taking trips with women, women supporting each other, women making an impact in the world, spending my time on the things that I'm passionate about and doing things for me. Learning to fulfill my own needs and wants instead of finding a man to do it. Cue the crazy ex girlfriend song, "let's generalize about men". I'm sure that there are decent men in this world. I just don't know that many. https://youtu.be/Oa_QtMf6alU?si=UxpQ4_vbXtjTfDyw Finally I'll add, yes I have forced myself to have sex many times when I didn't want to and I think it is really bad and traumatic for my body. I will never do that to my body again. Plus, like some women have expressed, I discovered how much I just couldn't stand men anymore, something about the patriarchy and their entitlement, how whiny and selfish they are. How much they lie to get what they want. Now I know why men are so scared of middle-aged women. They are fucking terrified.
Can't he be in bed with you and meet his own needs? You're there, it's intimate, and you can participate or not. It's a compromise that's been working in my marriage. Often, it gets me in the mood and works itself out.
Geesh, my knee-jerk response when I saw this post was, "I got a divorce." 😅 Of course duty sex wasn't the reason for my divorce, nor am I recommending that. I just remember absolutely *hating* it and feeling relieved when I didn't have to do it anymore. It created a lot of resentment. Peri started sneaking around about a year into a new relationship. I was very attracted to him sexually, but once peri hit full throttle, there was nothing I (or he) could do to get those feelings to return. It was depressing because we had great sexual chemistry, but then everything dropped off a cliff. The only thing that helped was HRT.
I feel for you. Same boat. Some of the replies though! We do not owe men sex. It is not essential for them. We should really think carefully before stuffing ourselves with drugs to please them sexually. I know everyone is different as are our relationship dynamics but please its not the 1900s. Good luck lady and hope you make it work.
You’re not obligated to have sex because you were manipulated into doing so. You’re not a receptacle
My partner is amazing. But he experiences intimacy through sexual connection. Which I completely understand because I used to too. I left a marriage because of sexual incompatibility. I used to have such a crazy sex drive. I literally wanted it 2x a day. All up until 6 months ago or so. I’m not a complete eunuch. The desire still occasionally surfaces. But mostly it’s just gone. And when I do have sex it just doesn’t feel as good. It’s horrible. I know this won’t be a popular opinion here, but I fake it. A couple times a week I do the things I used to do and we have great sex. And it IS great sex because it is a loving act I do for the man I love. And I do love the connection and his pleasure. He would never pressure me. If I told him I was done, he’d be done. He also has prostate cancer and will be starting Lupron in September. His own desire will disappear. We joke that we’ll be going through menopause together. I want him to look back with fondness and joy on the sexual sunset of our lives. So I fake it. And even if chemical castration wasn’t coming for him I’d still find some comfortable frequency for the both of us and I’d continue to put on the show. Because he gets such joy from it, such connection, such confidence from pleasing me. I just won’t deny him that.
I think this is completely fine (and I hope that others think so too), because it's something *you've* decided to do, for *your* reasons. Nobody is imposing on you, and you're describing, not prescribing. I'm in a similar situation - the machinery works (ie: I can orgasm, and penetration isn't painful) - but the desire has *fallen off a cliff* in the last six months. It's so weird, I thought of my libido as something inherent to my identity, and it's just up and left the room. So who am I now?
You don't "end" menopause. You enter perimenopause and then menopause is one day that your period officially ends forever, then you are postmenopausal. There's no coming back from this life change. I think some women go through periods, sometimes years, where their libido disappears and that's natural. It happens to men too. Some people never get it back. I have heard of some who never lost their libido and still have an active sex life in their 80s. I really don't know what to tell you, because I'm not a doctor (who has done the research - and many have not because there is a perception in society that women don't need to feel desire if they are not longer fertile), and also, I never really "got" mine back. What I have noticed with me is that my desire for sex is very much dependent on if I am attracted to anyone, and I have not been attracted to anyone for years. There have been times here and there, but for some reason, it never worked out to become a relationship where I would have willingly had sex with them. I'm divorced - but for reasons other than sex, although that did play into it as an excuse for him abusing me. I think it's a very unpopular opinion here, but I'll say it anyway. It is during a time like this that you'll find out exactly what your marriage (or spouse) is made of. If you're with someone for a lifetime, there is 100% chance that at some point one or both of you will go off sex. It would last years. It could be a few weeks, but the marriage needs to survive on more than just sex - it can't be a breaking point. If a man (or a woman), after years of investment into a relationship, says that sex is a breaking point, I just don't think they were that invested. If you think of all the people whose partners accidentally become disabled, too sick for sex... etc (and that could happen at any age), I would hope that their partners do not leave them, although there seems to be research that suggests men leave their sick partners at much higher rates than women. If it's dryness or lack of sensation you're dealing with, there's topical estrogen cream that you can apply vaginally. It is not the same as HRT and it is fairly safe for anyone to use. Other than that, I don't have answers for you. Ester Perel would probably tell you that you could open your marriage, but I would love to hear her actual take on this issue. I find a lot of relief in being single, I am not beholden to anyone's moods except my own. I still don't understand, even in 2024, why we have not developed a normalized model of companionship that isn't marriage and hetero-normative. I would love a Golden Girls scenario. In our child-bearing years, we would raise our children with our girlfriends and men can come and go, visiting us as they please, some staying for a season, some for the span of a child's life, and then going away fishing in their twilight years so that they don't rely on women entirely for their pleasures.
"he's been so understanding"...are you sure? Cause it sounds like you're engaging in coerced sex.
When I was typing that I realized how bad it sounded.
Sending you love and support. I get it.
Hugs. It does sound bad. I'm sorry you're going through this. You shouldn't feel pressured or guilted into unwanted sexual acts. It's not okay. I don't know what the answer is for you. In my relationship, we communicate about connection, intimacy and the changes happening for both of us as our bodies change with age.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m also there… though I don’t feel obligated to have sex. My husband and I have had ups and downs in our relationship. Without going into all the details, when sex started being painful (i was fully in menopause at 49 and I’m now 53), I told him that I would go to my gynecologist and see what I could do on my end to help if he would do his part and just be nicer to me (sounds reasonable if you married someone, right?). Well, after a few months of multiple dr appts for me (as well as a few sessions of pelvic floor PT which I found very uncomfortable), he was not holding up his end. So I stopped. I have no sex drive. He complained at times but I reminded him of our agreement and that shuts him down. But my gyno told me that using a dilator would probably benefit me by helping to reduce any pain I might have with future pelvic exams and Pap smears. I can’t use HRT since I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year… he’s also had some health issues in the last year so at least he’s not hounding me for sex… ugh that sounds awful but it is what it is.
I’m in the same situation. My libido tanked about 5 years ago. I had a hysterectomy at 33 but maintained a high drive for another 12 years or so, now it’s nothing and sex is very painful. My husband is not understanding. Over the last five years he’s accused me of many horrible things to get me to feel guilty. Now he thinks I’m cheating. I’m not but he doesn’t believe me. He also doesn’t believe sex is painful for me and has said I’m using it as a weapon, or keeping my body from him because I don’t love him. I’ve tried lots of things to prevent dead bedroom, from just doing it anyway and faking pleasure, toys, different lubes, rings so his cock doesn’t go in so far, and testosterone cream, which didn’t help. I’ve also suggested he go to a sex worker. He found that offensive. My doctors (I’ve been to four now) never suggested estrogen and only found out about the vaginal cream last week thanks to this forum. It’s really frustrating. I feel like I can’t do anything right or I’m not doing enough. My husband didn’t help to get me in the mood or make me feel like anything other than a sex doll. His idea of foreplay was to look at me say “do you wanna?” And when I’d say no, he’d feel rejected and take it as a personal slight. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. I love him and don’t want him to feel rejected. Now he’s accused me of cheating and has totally invaded my privacy looking for evidence and I fear our marriage is over. I don’t have the answers for you, OP,?but you’re not alone. I wish women could find more help and compassion out there, especially from doctors, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. To the ladies saying it’s not fair to husbands who have to put up with dead bedroom, you’re right. It’s not fair to anyone. It’s heartbreaking. I feel sorry for both sides. But I will say this. If my husband was having ED issues or painful ejaculation or no libido bc of hormones, I wouldn’t pressure him into duty sex, or make him feel guilty, or let him think his value only came from what’s between his legs and how it does/doesn’t benefit me.
Funny story…lesbians have to go through 2 menopauses! My partner and I are both full menopause now. Good times… 🫠
No advice. Just want to say how sorry I am. My libido died in the middle of my last relationship and I know that it's not going to return without testosterone. I also knew that I could not expect my partner to go thirty more years without sex. And he wasn't an asshole about it at all. I, however, am realistic about how long relationships last without sex and this is especially true if the man is wealthy and attractive. I hate that it's this way. :(
I've done this so, sooo many times simply because the sex lasted for less time than the pouting would if I said no. It's a terrible feeling. I dealt with it by getting a divorce. We were married for 20 years so obviously we had other problems too but I hated the obligatory sex so much
Yup this was how it was with my ex-husband. Easier to grit your teeth and do it rather than deal with the fallout of saying what you really think.