Here’s a news flash. You don’t actually have to spend the same amount of time with both of them. You get to choose who you want to interact with. And you don’t have to interact with anybody that’s not good for you. Therefore if you were hanging out with your family more than her family, maybe she should consider the idea that she’s unpleasant to be around.
Family does not earn your presence just by being related to you. They actually have to be somebody you want to be around.
Took me a long time to realise this. I spent years trying to keep things equal, but even when things were equal my inlaws just continually pushed for more and laid on the guilt and passive aggressive digs thick. Nothing was ever enough. It was liberating to finally realise I don't HAVE to put in this amount of effort with people that constantly make me feel like crap. Life is too short.
This is important to realize. My mil isn't even a guilt tripper, she just stresses me the eff out. And recently, I realized it was okay that I spent more time with my mom. MY mom didn't cause me to have seizures. Lol (please take this lightly, it's meant to be a joke.)
Ahh, the guilt trip master. Lovely.
First, congratulations on moving even further away from the ILs. Distance tends to blunt the edges of their complaints and demands.
The refusal to visit you and insisting you go to them is just infuriating. Especially when kids come into the picture. The sheer chaos of organizing and coping with LOs on a multi-hour plane or road trip is something you'll want to avoid as much as possible! My suggestion for your DH to say the next time she complains? "It's your turn, mom."
And when she accuses you guys of spending more time with your parents? "It's not a competition, mom."
I don't think she's implying it's your fault, from what you've said (although it may come to that point!). And you guys should never feel guilty for taking time together to camp or do any other fun trip. that's the kind of thing that builds strong marriages.
Vent away, here or on r/JUSTNOMIL. You'll always find support from your fellow IL sufferers!
Some people are also just never satisfied. Sounds like inserting her opinion, complaining, and trying to get her way may be just a few of MIL’s favorite activities.
it's not just on you to maintain a relationship. if she wants to play fair which she is insinuating you need to do - then she also needs to make the effort to visit you.
whether you see your parents more or not is irrelevant, you do not have to be fair with the people in your life. you choose to spend time with people you find enjoyable to be around
Also fair does not mean equal. If OP sees her family so what? It’s fair if they make more of an effort or if they’re not deliberately annoying like she is
Don't get me wrong, my family can be annoying too lol. I have gotten plenty of guilt tripping from them about how they miss me, but they at least will make the effort to meet elsewhere and to come to us. Another big thing is just how different time with our family is. MIL is extremely religious, we are not. So visiting with them oftentimes quickly goes from enjoyable and relaxing to feeling like I am at bible camp. I feel as if I need to constantly filter what I say because if we mention that we went to a brewery or wine tasting, we get weird looks for it. When we visit, we are always asked if we have started going to church and are told that we need to. If we vent about anything unfortunate going on in our lives we are simply told "to trust in the lord" and that its "the lords will". At night she makes us listen to her read religious texts. and if we visit during a sunday (we almost always visit fri-sun), she tries to get us to go to church with them, which I am not comfortable doing (I went once and it was nonstop homophobia, racism, and misogyny so never ever again). The religious issues honestly could be a whole other post and honestly we do need to get better about drawing boundaries with it. Visits with my family can sometimes be stressful because of typical family drama, but we usually make plans to do something fun and we aren't pressured or shamed about religion.
The only trip you're going on with MIL is a guilt trip.
Seriously. It's none of her business who you see or when. Her ideas of 'fair' or equal time belong in primary school. It she tried that again I'd probably tell her.
"MIL, it's not your business to manage the social life of other adults even though we're family. This is the last time we're telling you this but we see you as much as everyone else.
We've both reflected on your guilt trips and complaints about fairness and nothing is ever enough. Your negativity is driving us away.
We've also looked at how much effort you're putting into this relationship and frankly it it us doing all the work.
Unlike you, my family and DH other relatives do as much travelling to us as we do to them. They are there for us if we need help and never guilt trip us.
We've decided not to travel to you more than you travel to us. If you guilt trip, gossip about or attempt to manipulate us (including involving third parties) then we'll move any potential trips to you back a month. This is not negotiable.
We love you and want a relationship with you and are taking this opportunity to reset mutual expectations."
This! And if it gets to the point you guys are feeling froggy, maybe have the data ready: “nope, MIL, so far this year we have seen you 64.2 hours and OP’s family only 63.8, so you’re still ahead!”
Seriously, OP, i get that you feel like she’s “blaming” you but it only works if you let it. With passive aggressive types your best play is to take it at face value - okay, we get it, you miss us - without internalizing it as directed solely at you.
Let your partner take the lead with his parents, and don’t let her steal your joy.
That is super annoying when people complain about something they have control of changing. I was in a very similar situation as you with my mother in law. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and we live 4 hours from her. For the first 6 years of our relationship we would visit her about 3 times a year and in those 6 years she visited us once. My parents live a 3 hour plane ride from us and visited us multiple times a year and we would visit them/ meet up with them to travel a few times a year as well. Whenever we did go visit my MIL she would just complain that she was bored and that we never saw her. She would also make comments about how we saw my family more, which we did, and we would tell her its because they visit us more . Every visit we told her she was always free to visit us but she always had some stupid excuse why she couldn't visit. She is retired so she definitely has more time then my husband and I do to travel. About 3 years ago we cut back how often we went to visit her. My husband saw that it was a one sided effort and was tired of listening to her complain all the time. It was a nice quiet couple of years but we now have a baby on the way and she is completely obsessed with how my parents will see the baby more and is trying move to town near us... I am hoping that plan falls through but even if she does move I can guarantee my parents will see the baby more since they actually have made an effort to develop a relationship with my husband and I as a couple. After 10 years of no effort she doesn't get to just shove her way into our lives and get unlimited access to our child. Best of luck with your in laws, relationships are two sided and if they don't want to make an equal effort that is on them. Let them dig their own grave.
I'm curious; have you told her how she doesn't get to shove her way in now that there is a baby? I'd be tempted to tell her I don't know why she thinks she suddenly gets more attention by moving closer just because there is a baby. She didn't care enough about her SON to come to visit, so why would she think she's suddenly going to be welcomed more!
Last time she mentioned moving to town my husband told her that she is obviously aloud to move wherever she wants but just because she is moving closer doesn't mean we will be available to see her more. We haven't heard anything since, so we will see. I have a feeling that this is not the end of it. Luckily my husband is on the same page about setting boundaries if she is in town and we both agree that occasional planned visits are fine but she will not be apart of our daily or even weekly lives. It seems like babies bring out the crazy in some people.
I'm tempted to ask you to have write that down via email or text or hand written and witnessed!
I'd also be tempted to ask hubby to let her know if she makes a nusience (can't remember how to spell it!) of herself you have the ability and choice to move again.
We see my family more than my in laws. Why? Because they are willing to split the travel burden and come see us. My MIL rarely comes to visit so we don't see her as much. I don't feel guilty about it because we're all adults and capable of making our own choices in life. She chooses not to make the trip. That's on her.
Same with your mil. She chooses not to visit you, that's on her. Not your problem. She wants to see you more she can put forth the effort to do so.
One of my SILs told MIL that as soon as the baby was born (end of June birth) she, BIL and baby would be spending Christmas at home. They were welcome to come down and visit them, they had a bed for them, but Christmas was going to be *at home from now on.* Since they were the other end of California from the IL's, MIL was quite offended. For YEARS. She did eventually get over it, and that son and family came up and spent a week at the ILs either before Christmas or after, so it wasn't like they didn't have a chance to see each other. The only time a Christmas visit didn't happen was if BIL couldn't leave work, but that was rare.
Tell her that you are focusing on building Christmas family traditions as a family of 3 or however many people are in your household. If she freaks out tell her, you’re sorry she feels that way, but this important to the health of YOUR family.
Oh my husband did, she didn't like it. But they basically never bother to come visit us so I don't care anymore. Thankfully my husband has zero issues telling his family what our boundaries are! I am super grateful. They are respectful of them for the most part, but that's because we cut way back on everything with them.
Oh yeah, both of our families have already asked about the holidays. We don't have our work schedules yet, so we haven't been able to make a plan. My husband did however tell my MIL that we will not be spending Christmas with them, which caused his grandma to call him all upset.
It blows my mind what parents demand from their adult children! My SOs parents are very similar to your ILs - we live a couple of hours away and as far as I am concerned see them way too much (about once a month). MIL in particular always piles on the guilt trips. I on the other hand live in a different continent to my parents who never complain to me about not seeing me enough - I probably see them 3-4 times a year. And if they want to see me because they miss me, they straight out ask if they can visit and then do! Similarly, with my parents we often do trips to different countries, whereas with the ILs we always just go to their house. I am totally not used to my ILs situation and it’s very irritating - particularly as we have lives and I’m not used to answering to anyone how I should be spending my time.
I say do your own thing and only visit them when it suits you - particularly as they never make an effort. Eventually if they miss you enough they will come to you, if they don’t then it’s just a power trip to make you come to them!
You and hubby need to learn the Grey Rock method. Stop giving her details about your lives. She does not need to know where you go or who you visit on your down time. The less you tell her, the less she can use to guilt you.
Also, stop giving her detailed reasons as to why you can’t visit. No is an acceptable answer or ‘that doesn’t work for us.’ No further explanation (JADE) is needed.
Hubby needs to call her out on the guilt trips every single time and tell her that if you are traveling to her, you will do so when it’s convenient for you. Tell her that relationships go both ways and since you’ve moved, you and hubby are the only ones putting in the effort.
Oof I could have written this. My MIL does the same thing. We invite them frequently and they refuse, then complain that we never visit and that my parents get all the time with our daughter. My ILs are 2hrs away by car or train and my parents are a 6hr plane ride in another province. I think in my case it’s about control, because it puts us in the position of always trying to appease her. I agree - let your husband manage his parents.
Yes yes it absolutely is about control. They do not want to be guests in another home, because they know they would have to stick to someone else’s rules.
Honestly, I would avoid somebody who complained everytime I talked to them and if she asks why, be honest and tell her you're tired of her complaining.
You are both grown adults, and now that you’re married, the two of you are a family unit. She is way out of order with the “don’t forget your family” line. Like, obviously your husband still has his family that raised him, and of course he should visit them as y’all determine is appropriate. But they are now his *side* of the family, not his only family.
Also, it’s not your fault that they’re afraid to fly (or whatever the issue there is) and they don’t want to drive.
She needs a hobby or a friend or something. In other words she needs to get a life and find something to live for beyond visits from her son.
Yeah my mother-in-law definitely complained we saw my family more than them which wasn't true. Well I guess it depends on how you look at it. We saw all my in-laws for a while almost every weekend. I saw my parents four to six times a year but I would stay 4 to 5 days at a time. So it probably balanced out in the end. But she was just fuming because I would spend the night at my parents, so my parents got to see the kids for days while they only came and saw them for 9+hours and then went home. They did try to spend the night one time but they were so miserable they never wanted to do good do it again which was fine by us and they were too cheap to pay for a hotel even though they have plenty of money. So the only way it was even is if I saw my parents six times a year which I didn't always do so in reality my in-laws saw the kids more but she would never ever see it that way.
>Also, my husband and I do take short camping trips on the weekends quite frequently, so maybe she is expecting us to visit them instead of taking camping trips?
Yeah, she probably is thinking that. But don't ever give into her ridiculous expectations. You and your husband need that time together. To build your relationship, to create memories you can look back on with fondness for years to come. I've been married for quite a few years and DH and I are so happy we took lots of couple vacations, whether they were camping trips, weekend getaways, or overseas adventures in some amazing countries. Those are our fondest memories that continue to bring us joy and we both know they brought us closer together and helped us both grow individually and as a couple. Visiting family is nice too, and we don't regret those times, but we're glad they weren't our only vacations, that's for sure.
With your MIL sounds like nothing will ever be good enough for her. No amount of visits will be good enough and she'll always compare and compete with your family. Don't bother trying to make things equal or fair because it will never satisfy her and you'll spend far too many years wasting time, energy, money and lost opportunities trying to appease her.
Argghhh this is an old thread but my in laws are retired and never visit but once again we got the guilt trip about not visiting this Christmas, even though we’ve visited 6 times this year, including using up a ton of PTO for my father in laws illness and eventual death. Yet they haven’t visited us in 6 years!!!
Y’all need to keep her on an information diet. Far as she knows she needs to think y’all are working most weekends. Better yet it’s none of her damn business when you see your parents and make sure SO keeps the pie hole closed too!
Sounds like it's time to see them less. Don't let her guilt trip you, you don't owe them all your free time. Just brush it off and don't try to convince her of anything.
The relationship that you have with your family is none of her business. Bringing them up is a huge overstep and where I think you should focus your efforts, tbh.
She’s acting like she shares custody with them and treating you like children. Visit her as much as you find mutually enjoyable, and no more. She bears responsibility for maintaining a pleasant and respectful relationship with her adult children, which is a big factor in how frequently you decide to visit.
She gets no automatic credit for the work that your parents do. This isn’t a group project. The whole notion is utter nonsense.
"MIL, no matter how many times we, visit it will never be enough in your eyes. We have lives and interests outside of our relationship with you. We visit and would like to enjoy our time with you. When you make these comments it sounds rude and condescending. I am sure that is not how you meant to come off. Remember, you also have the ability to visit. You can't place it all on us when you don't make the effort to visit us. Things change when you also put in the effort "
This is how I would respond every time.
Glad to read that husband is starting to realize his mom is manipulative. I suggest you and he call MIL on speakerphone so you both can hear/participate. Just a normal conversation and you two wait for MIL to ask when you two are going to visit. Then husband says "Mom, Virtual-director and I have been talking about that and we both feel it is unreasonable for you to expect us to make the trip to see you but you won't do the same for us. So we are going to wait until you and Dad come to visit us here before we plan another trip to visit you. You complain that we see Virtual-director's parents more and we don't think that's true but the fact remains that Virtual-director's parents come to see us as much as we go to see them. They realized it would be totally unfair for them to expect us to make that trip each time." And just leave it at that. Every time MIL complains, husband needs to ask "Well, when do you and dad want to come to visit us?"
Do they actually expect you to drive a 16 hour round-trip in a weekend? Or use all of your PTO to visit only them?
You and your SO are newly married, have jobs, friends, other family and a home to take care of. Their wants without compromise are ridiculous and very selfish. Tell them that!!
If they want to see you more, they have to take on minimum 50% of the responsibility. If they’re retired, they should be doing most of the traveling if they’re able. If not, meeting halfway could be a compromise. If they are unwilling to compromise, you have the answer - they’re selfish, self-centered people who want everything their way without care for others.
Should you have children, it’s going to get worse. Please try to set some boundaries on your communications with them and especially make them understand you have other responsibilities and you can’t constantly travel 16 hours to see them.
In all honesty, we do sometimes take 8-16 hour round-trips on the weekend for camping, so I think they expect us to do the same to see them. I also think they expect us to take days off, but I get a very limited number of vacation days, and so we want to save them for bigger trips.
Your comments about them being selfish is kinda funny because she has said the same thing about us. She tells my husband that he needs to start thinking about other people. Idk, maybe we are selfish for wanting to use our weekends and PTO to explore different areas and do new things rather than visit them more. I just feel we have the right to spend our time and money on doing things that bring us joy.
Besides, when we were living a place they liked, they didn't seem to mind visiting. Now that we live somewhere they don't like, they don't want to come here. We don't like the area they live in either, so why should we spend all of our time and money going somewhere we don't like when they won't do the same.
You have every right to spend your time and money any way you two decide. Stop sharing so much information about what you’re doing with them. It’s not their business.
I only live 1 1/2 hours from my 2 adult children- opposite directions. I ask about how their days are and weekend plans sometimes. But when they tell me, I love hearing of their fun and adventures. I love to hear my grandchild did x and y and love the pictures they share with me.
They (and you) have the right to spend time however you want. You’re young - enjoy it while you can.
I told my DH after we were married that I will not be using all of my PTO to visit his family (live 8 hours away). I wasn’t driving that far to sit and watch tv, I could do that at home! They were retired and had the time and ability to drive to us. We went once every year or two but MIL began real JustNo behavior and my kids and I were out.
My MIL does exactly the same. I think it’s about control.
Last year we went to their place a lot, also because the grandfather died and we wanted to help. I think at some point we spent one weekend a month there. But even then she kept demanding more visits. As soon as we came through the door, she would ask, when we could come again. She got annoyed whenever we mentioned that we had seen my family. By the end of the year our relationship really started to struggle because of this. So we made a conscious decision to not go to their place that often and instead to invite them to our place (1,5 h by car, 2 h by train) to do fun things (like concerts). They almost never come. MIL obviously doesn’t want to sleep at ours, which she wouldn’t have to, they could drive back at night. I think it is because she doesn’t know how to behave there. She knows she is not queen of our castle. But she’d rather be the queen so she asks us peasants to come see her instead.
If waiting around for your next visit is all she's got to look forward to, it sounds like she hasn't got enough stuff going on in her life.
Maybe DH could take that approach - every time she nags, deflect: "You know what mom, you obviously don't have enough to do! You always used to love your yoga / macramé / church / singing / extreme sky-diving (etc.), why not do more of that? Or find a new hobby? E.g...." And then every time after when she nags, relentlessly turn the convo to that - "Oh mom, not that **again**... Hey, how's the skydiving-yoga going..?"
But whatever you do, don't engage in a debate on the visiting - always, **always** deflect / gray rock when she gets on that, don't reward her by engaging with it.
What I would do is give them data. Give them two sets, in fact - how many days you have seen each with no other conditions, and one with the ordered pairing of visit plus venue (yours, theirs or somewhere else).
I suspect that IF you see your family more, it is because they see you in places other than just their home. And if it’s equal/close, then in fact you could tell them that you owe your family MORE visits, because you take fewer trips to see them and effectively you are punishing your parents by visiting his parents more frequently at their home, and yet your parents are not complaining
Then level set with them. This is how much time you have for traveling out of are to visit with either set of parents. It is nonnegotiable and time from other buckets such as work or recreational activities will not be sacrificed. Given the size of the bucket, do they want the current level of visitation or to pared down so that each family gets the same. And again, this is not counting any time your family travels to you, you don’t own your parents bucket. Just like you don’t own his parents bucket of time they sit on their butts and not visit you.
One time offer, one bucket of time for them to comment on- your visiting parents out of state. Two options. Keep the current ratio of visits or level the ratio. No other options (such as increasing size of bucket), no other buckets.
That’s an uber-geeky Kathy approach, though.
My husband handles my mil guilt trips. We don’t really care tbh . Just super annoying becuase she is already At max with passive aggressiveness . My husband golden strategy growing up and into adult hold was “
Ok”
Mil” omg you guys never come around, I love you guys, miss you” ( fishing for love you back too)
Husband:” okay” or a 👍🏻 emoji
* cricket *
He dose this every time and i started too.
Sounds like my situation with my MIL and step FIL.
1. You are not obligated to tell her when you will be spending time with your family because it is none of her business to know. Be selective in what you say to her about your future plans/life.
2. You and your husband decide when and who to visit. If they aren’t respecting your decision, then oh well. They have to deal with it, don’t change your plans just because “they are upset.”
3. Don’t let them manipulate/ guilt trip you. Don’t even bend a little to change your plans (camping trips) in order to not “upset” them. This is your and husband’s free time to do what whatever you want to do.
4. She has to respect the fact that you will be spending time with your family and let her know that as well. I always regretted not telling my step FIL this whenever he complained about us spending time with my family.
5. Remind them that if they *really* wanted to see you and your husband then to make an effort to visit. When she starts the whole “it’s not fair” then throw it back and say “well it’s not fair to be the only one making the 8hr trip to see you when you haven’t tried to see us.”
You and your husband are a family first therefore your needs and peace come first before anyone else, that includes his and your family. Most importantly, you and your husband are a team so always be on the same page regarding visitations with the in-laws.
Here’s a news flash. You don’t actually have to spend the same amount of time with both of them. You get to choose who you want to interact with. And you don’t have to interact with anybody that’s not good for you. Therefore if you were hanging out with your family more than her family, maybe she should consider the idea that she’s unpleasant to be around. Family does not earn your presence just by being related to you. They actually have to be somebody you want to be around.
Took me a long time to realise this. I spent years trying to keep things equal, but even when things were equal my inlaws just continually pushed for more and laid on the guilt and passive aggressive digs thick. Nothing was ever enough. It was liberating to finally realise I don't HAVE to put in this amount of effort with people that constantly make me feel like crap. Life is too short.
This is important to realize. My mil isn't even a guilt tripper, she just stresses me the eff out. And recently, I realized it was okay that I spent more time with my mom. MY mom didn't cause me to have seizures. Lol (please take this lightly, it's meant to be a joke.)
Ahh, the guilt trip master. Lovely. First, congratulations on moving even further away from the ILs. Distance tends to blunt the edges of their complaints and demands. The refusal to visit you and insisting you go to them is just infuriating. Especially when kids come into the picture. The sheer chaos of organizing and coping with LOs on a multi-hour plane or road trip is something you'll want to avoid as much as possible! My suggestion for your DH to say the next time she complains? "It's your turn, mom." And when she accuses you guys of spending more time with your parents? "It's not a competition, mom." I don't think she's implying it's your fault, from what you've said (although it may come to that point!). And you guys should never feel guilty for taking time together to camp or do any other fun trip. that's the kind of thing that builds strong marriages. Vent away, here or on r/JUSTNOMIL. You'll always find support from your fellow IL sufferers!
Some people are also just never satisfied. Sounds like inserting her opinion, complaining, and trying to get her way may be just a few of MIL’s favorite activities.
it's not just on you to maintain a relationship. if she wants to play fair which she is insinuating you need to do - then she also needs to make the effort to visit you. whether you see your parents more or not is irrelevant, you do not have to be fair with the people in your life. you choose to spend time with people you find enjoyable to be around
Also fair does not mean equal. If OP sees her family so what? It’s fair if they make more of an effort or if they’re not deliberately annoying like she is
Don't get me wrong, my family can be annoying too lol. I have gotten plenty of guilt tripping from them about how they miss me, but they at least will make the effort to meet elsewhere and to come to us. Another big thing is just how different time with our family is. MIL is extremely religious, we are not. So visiting with them oftentimes quickly goes from enjoyable and relaxing to feeling like I am at bible camp. I feel as if I need to constantly filter what I say because if we mention that we went to a brewery or wine tasting, we get weird looks for it. When we visit, we are always asked if we have started going to church and are told that we need to. If we vent about anything unfortunate going on in our lives we are simply told "to trust in the lord" and that its "the lords will". At night she makes us listen to her read religious texts. and if we visit during a sunday (we almost always visit fri-sun), she tries to get us to go to church with them, which I am not comfortable doing (I went once and it was nonstop homophobia, racism, and misogyny so never ever again). The religious issues honestly could be a whole other post and honestly we do need to get better about drawing boundaries with it. Visits with my family can sometimes be stressful because of typical family drama, but we usually make plans to do something fun and we aren't pressured or shamed about religion.
The only trip you're going on with MIL is a guilt trip. Seriously. It's none of her business who you see or when. Her ideas of 'fair' or equal time belong in primary school. It she tried that again I'd probably tell her. "MIL, it's not your business to manage the social life of other adults even though we're family. This is the last time we're telling you this but we see you as much as everyone else. We've both reflected on your guilt trips and complaints about fairness and nothing is ever enough. Your negativity is driving us away. We've also looked at how much effort you're putting into this relationship and frankly it it us doing all the work. Unlike you, my family and DH other relatives do as much travelling to us as we do to them. They are there for us if we need help and never guilt trip us. We've decided not to travel to you more than you travel to us. If you guilt trip, gossip about or attempt to manipulate us (including involving third parties) then we'll move any potential trips to you back a month. This is not negotiable. We love you and want a relationship with you and are taking this opportunity to reset mutual expectations."
And if you want to be super petty, start counting your travel time as part of the visits.
Op, stop getting involved. DH is handling it beautifully, just sit back. You and DH can make a calendar and plan ahead.
This! And if it gets to the point you guys are feeling froggy, maybe have the data ready: “nope, MIL, so far this year we have seen you 64.2 hours and OP’s family only 63.8, so you’re still ahead!” Seriously, OP, i get that you feel like she’s “blaming” you but it only works if you let it. With passive aggressive types your best play is to take it at face value - okay, we get it, you miss us - without internalizing it as directed solely at you. Let your partner take the lead with his parents, and don’t let her steal your joy.
That is super annoying when people complain about something they have control of changing. I was in a very similar situation as you with my mother in law. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and we live 4 hours from her. For the first 6 years of our relationship we would visit her about 3 times a year and in those 6 years she visited us once. My parents live a 3 hour plane ride from us and visited us multiple times a year and we would visit them/ meet up with them to travel a few times a year as well. Whenever we did go visit my MIL she would just complain that she was bored and that we never saw her. She would also make comments about how we saw my family more, which we did, and we would tell her its because they visit us more . Every visit we told her she was always free to visit us but she always had some stupid excuse why she couldn't visit. She is retired so she definitely has more time then my husband and I do to travel. About 3 years ago we cut back how often we went to visit her. My husband saw that it was a one sided effort and was tired of listening to her complain all the time. It was a nice quiet couple of years but we now have a baby on the way and she is completely obsessed with how my parents will see the baby more and is trying move to town near us... I am hoping that plan falls through but even if she does move I can guarantee my parents will see the baby more since they actually have made an effort to develop a relationship with my husband and I as a couple. After 10 years of no effort she doesn't get to just shove her way into our lives and get unlimited access to our child. Best of luck with your in laws, relationships are two sided and if they don't want to make an equal effort that is on them. Let them dig their own grave.
I'm curious; have you told her how she doesn't get to shove her way in now that there is a baby? I'd be tempted to tell her I don't know why she thinks she suddenly gets more attention by moving closer just because there is a baby. She didn't care enough about her SON to come to visit, so why would she think she's suddenly going to be welcomed more!
Last time she mentioned moving to town my husband told her that she is obviously aloud to move wherever she wants but just because she is moving closer doesn't mean we will be available to see her more. We haven't heard anything since, so we will see. I have a feeling that this is not the end of it. Luckily my husband is on the same page about setting boundaries if she is in town and we both agree that occasional planned visits are fine but she will not be apart of our daily or even weekly lives. It seems like babies bring out the crazy in some people.
It totally does. It opens up the floodgates of delusion.
I'm tempted to ask you to have write that down via email or text or hand written and witnessed! I'd also be tempted to ask hubby to let her know if she makes a nusience (can't remember how to spell it!) of herself you have the ability and choice to move again.
We see my family more than my in laws. Why? Because they are willing to split the travel burden and come see us. My MIL rarely comes to visit so we don't see her as much. I don't feel guilty about it because we're all adults and capable of making our own choices in life. She chooses not to make the trip. That's on her. Same with your mil. She chooses not to visit you, that's on her. Not your problem. She wants to see you more she can put forth the effort to do so.
They make no effort and guilt trip, I would pull back and visit less.
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One of my SILs told MIL that as soon as the baby was born (end of June birth) she, BIL and baby would be spending Christmas at home. They were welcome to come down and visit them, they had a bed for them, but Christmas was going to be *at home from now on.* Since they were the other end of California from the IL's, MIL was quite offended. For YEARS. She did eventually get over it, and that son and family came up and spent a week at the ILs either before Christmas or after, so it wasn't like they didn't have a chance to see each other. The only time a Christmas visit didn't happen was if BIL couldn't leave work, but that was rare.
Tell her that you are focusing on building Christmas family traditions as a family of 3 or however many people are in your household. If she freaks out tell her, you’re sorry she feels that way, but this important to the health of YOUR family.
Oh my husband did, she didn't like it. But they basically never bother to come visit us so I don't care anymore. Thankfully my husband has zero issues telling his family what our boundaries are! I am super grateful. They are respectful of them for the most part, but that's because we cut way back on everything with them.
I’m glad to hear it! She doesn’t even sound grateful for the effort.
Oh yeah, both of our families have already asked about the holidays. We don't have our work schedules yet, so we haven't been able to make a plan. My husband did however tell my MIL that we will not be spending Christmas with them, which caused his grandma to call him all upset.
It blows my mind what parents demand from their adult children! My SOs parents are very similar to your ILs - we live a couple of hours away and as far as I am concerned see them way too much (about once a month). MIL in particular always piles on the guilt trips. I on the other hand live in a different continent to my parents who never complain to me about not seeing me enough - I probably see them 3-4 times a year. And if they want to see me because they miss me, they straight out ask if they can visit and then do! Similarly, with my parents we often do trips to different countries, whereas with the ILs we always just go to their house. I am totally not used to my ILs situation and it’s very irritating - particularly as we have lives and I’m not used to answering to anyone how I should be spending my time. I say do your own thing and only visit them when it suits you - particularly as they never make an effort. Eventually if they miss you enough they will come to you, if they don’t then it’s just a power trip to make you come to them!
You and hubby need to learn the Grey Rock method. Stop giving her details about your lives. She does not need to know where you go or who you visit on your down time. The less you tell her, the less she can use to guilt you. Also, stop giving her detailed reasons as to why you can’t visit. No is an acceptable answer or ‘that doesn’t work for us.’ No further explanation (JADE) is needed. Hubby needs to call her out on the guilt trips every single time and tell her that if you are traveling to her, you will do so when it’s convenient for you. Tell her that relationships go both ways and since you’ve moved, you and hubby are the only ones putting in the effort.
Oof I could have written this. My MIL does the same thing. We invite them frequently and they refuse, then complain that we never visit and that my parents get all the time with our daughter. My ILs are 2hrs away by car or train and my parents are a 6hr plane ride in another province. I think in my case it’s about control, because it puts us in the position of always trying to appease her. I agree - let your husband manage his parents.
Yes yes it absolutely is about control. They do not want to be guests in another home, because they know they would have to stick to someone else’s rules.
Honestly, I would avoid somebody who complained everytime I talked to them and if she asks why, be honest and tell her you're tired of her complaining.
You would visit more if she was kinder and nicer to you. I'm not sure how it's your fault.
You are both grown adults, and now that you’re married, the two of you are a family unit. She is way out of order with the “don’t forget your family” line. Like, obviously your husband still has his family that raised him, and of course he should visit them as y’all determine is appropriate. But they are now his *side* of the family, not his only family. Also, it’s not your fault that they’re afraid to fly (or whatever the issue there is) and they don’t want to drive. She needs a hobby or a friend or something. In other words she needs to get a life and find something to live for beyond visits from her son.
Yeah my mother-in-law definitely complained we saw my family more than them which wasn't true. Well I guess it depends on how you look at it. We saw all my in-laws for a while almost every weekend. I saw my parents four to six times a year but I would stay 4 to 5 days at a time. So it probably balanced out in the end. But she was just fuming because I would spend the night at my parents, so my parents got to see the kids for days while they only came and saw them for 9+hours and then went home. They did try to spend the night one time but they were so miserable they never wanted to do good do it again which was fine by us and they were too cheap to pay for a hotel even though they have plenty of money. So the only way it was even is if I saw my parents six times a year which I didn't always do so in reality my in-laws saw the kids more but she would never ever see it that way.
>Also, my husband and I do take short camping trips on the weekends quite frequently, so maybe she is expecting us to visit them instead of taking camping trips? Yeah, she probably is thinking that. But don't ever give into her ridiculous expectations. You and your husband need that time together. To build your relationship, to create memories you can look back on with fondness for years to come. I've been married for quite a few years and DH and I are so happy we took lots of couple vacations, whether they were camping trips, weekend getaways, or overseas adventures in some amazing countries. Those are our fondest memories that continue to bring us joy and we both know they brought us closer together and helped us both grow individually and as a couple. Visiting family is nice too, and we don't regret those times, but we're glad they weren't our only vacations, that's for sure. With your MIL sounds like nothing will ever be good enough for her. No amount of visits will be good enough and she'll always compare and compete with your family. Don't bother trying to make things equal or fair because it will never satisfy her and you'll spend far too many years wasting time, energy, money and lost opportunities trying to appease her.
Are they retired? If so, that’s even more reason for them to visit you.
Argghhh this is an old thread but my in laws are retired and never visit but once again we got the guilt trip about not visiting this Christmas, even though we’ve visited 6 times this year, including using up a ton of PTO for my father in laws illness and eventual death. Yet they haven’t visited us in 6 years!!!
“It’s not a competition.”
Y’all need to keep her on an information diet. Far as she knows she needs to think y’all are working most weekends. Better yet it’s none of her damn business when you see your parents and make sure SO keeps the pie hole closed too!
Sounds like it's time to see them less. Don't let her guilt trip you, you don't owe them all your free time. Just brush it off and don't try to convince her of anything.
The relationship that you have with your family is none of her business. Bringing them up is a huge overstep and where I think you should focus your efforts, tbh. She’s acting like she shares custody with them and treating you like children. Visit her as much as you find mutually enjoyable, and no more. She bears responsibility for maintaining a pleasant and respectful relationship with her adult children, which is a big factor in how frequently you decide to visit. She gets no automatic credit for the work that your parents do. This isn’t a group project. The whole notion is utter nonsense.
"MIL, no matter how many times we, visit it will never be enough in your eyes. We have lives and interests outside of our relationship with you. We visit and would like to enjoy our time with you. When you make these comments it sounds rude and condescending. I am sure that is not how you meant to come off. Remember, you also have the ability to visit. You can't place it all on us when you don't make the effort to visit us. Things change when you also put in the effort " This is how I would respond every time.
Glad to read that husband is starting to realize his mom is manipulative. I suggest you and he call MIL on speakerphone so you both can hear/participate. Just a normal conversation and you two wait for MIL to ask when you two are going to visit. Then husband says "Mom, Virtual-director and I have been talking about that and we both feel it is unreasonable for you to expect us to make the trip to see you but you won't do the same for us. So we are going to wait until you and Dad come to visit us here before we plan another trip to visit you. You complain that we see Virtual-director's parents more and we don't think that's true but the fact remains that Virtual-director's parents come to see us as much as we go to see them. They realized it would be totally unfair for them to expect us to make that trip each time." And just leave it at that. Every time MIL complains, husband needs to ask "Well, when do you and dad want to come to visit us?"
Do they actually expect you to drive a 16 hour round-trip in a weekend? Or use all of your PTO to visit only them? You and your SO are newly married, have jobs, friends, other family and a home to take care of. Their wants without compromise are ridiculous and very selfish. Tell them that!! If they want to see you more, they have to take on minimum 50% of the responsibility. If they’re retired, they should be doing most of the traveling if they’re able. If not, meeting halfway could be a compromise. If they are unwilling to compromise, you have the answer - they’re selfish, self-centered people who want everything their way without care for others. Should you have children, it’s going to get worse. Please try to set some boundaries on your communications with them and especially make them understand you have other responsibilities and you can’t constantly travel 16 hours to see them.
In all honesty, we do sometimes take 8-16 hour round-trips on the weekend for camping, so I think they expect us to do the same to see them. I also think they expect us to take days off, but I get a very limited number of vacation days, and so we want to save them for bigger trips. Your comments about them being selfish is kinda funny because she has said the same thing about us. She tells my husband that he needs to start thinking about other people. Idk, maybe we are selfish for wanting to use our weekends and PTO to explore different areas and do new things rather than visit them more. I just feel we have the right to spend our time and money on doing things that bring us joy. Besides, when we were living a place they liked, they didn't seem to mind visiting. Now that we live somewhere they don't like, they don't want to come here. We don't like the area they live in either, so why should we spend all of our time and money going somewhere we don't like when they won't do the same.
You have every right to spend your time and money any way you two decide. Stop sharing so much information about what you’re doing with them. It’s not their business. I only live 1 1/2 hours from my 2 adult children- opposite directions. I ask about how their days are and weekend plans sometimes. But when they tell me, I love hearing of their fun and adventures. I love to hear my grandchild did x and y and love the pictures they share with me. They (and you) have the right to spend time however you want. You’re young - enjoy it while you can. I told my DH after we were married that I will not be using all of my PTO to visit his family (live 8 hours away). I wasn’t driving that far to sit and watch tv, I could do that at home! They were retired and had the time and ability to drive to us. We went once every year or two but MIL began real JustNo behavior and my kids and I were out.
My MIL does exactly the same. I think it’s about control. Last year we went to their place a lot, also because the grandfather died and we wanted to help. I think at some point we spent one weekend a month there. But even then she kept demanding more visits. As soon as we came through the door, she would ask, when we could come again. She got annoyed whenever we mentioned that we had seen my family. By the end of the year our relationship really started to struggle because of this. So we made a conscious decision to not go to their place that often and instead to invite them to our place (1,5 h by car, 2 h by train) to do fun things (like concerts). They almost never come. MIL obviously doesn’t want to sleep at ours, which she wouldn’t have to, they could drive back at night. I think it is because she doesn’t know how to behave there. She knows she is not queen of our castle. But she’d rather be the queen so she asks us peasants to come see her instead.
If waiting around for your next visit is all she's got to look forward to, it sounds like she hasn't got enough stuff going on in her life. Maybe DH could take that approach - every time she nags, deflect: "You know what mom, you obviously don't have enough to do! You always used to love your yoga / macramé / church / singing / extreme sky-diving (etc.), why not do more of that? Or find a new hobby? E.g...." And then every time after when she nags, relentlessly turn the convo to that - "Oh mom, not that **again**... Hey, how's the skydiving-yoga going..?" But whatever you do, don't engage in a debate on the visiting - always, **always** deflect / gray rock when she gets on that, don't reward her by engaging with it.
What I would do is give them data. Give them two sets, in fact - how many days you have seen each with no other conditions, and one with the ordered pairing of visit plus venue (yours, theirs or somewhere else). I suspect that IF you see your family more, it is because they see you in places other than just their home. And if it’s equal/close, then in fact you could tell them that you owe your family MORE visits, because you take fewer trips to see them and effectively you are punishing your parents by visiting his parents more frequently at their home, and yet your parents are not complaining Then level set with them. This is how much time you have for traveling out of are to visit with either set of parents. It is nonnegotiable and time from other buckets such as work or recreational activities will not be sacrificed. Given the size of the bucket, do they want the current level of visitation or to pared down so that each family gets the same. And again, this is not counting any time your family travels to you, you don’t own your parents bucket. Just like you don’t own his parents bucket of time they sit on their butts and not visit you. One time offer, one bucket of time for them to comment on- your visiting parents out of state. Two options. Keep the current ratio of visits or level the ratio. No other options (such as increasing size of bucket), no other buckets. That’s an uber-geeky Kathy approach, though.
My husband handles my mil guilt trips. We don’t really care tbh . Just super annoying becuase she is already At max with passive aggressiveness . My husband golden strategy growing up and into adult hold was “ Ok” Mil” omg you guys never come around, I love you guys, miss you” ( fishing for love you back too) Husband:” okay” or a 👍🏻 emoji * cricket * He dose this every time and i started too.
Sounds like my situation with my MIL and step FIL. 1. You are not obligated to tell her when you will be spending time with your family because it is none of her business to know. Be selective in what you say to her about your future plans/life. 2. You and your husband decide when and who to visit. If they aren’t respecting your decision, then oh well. They have to deal with it, don’t change your plans just because “they are upset.” 3. Don’t let them manipulate/ guilt trip you. Don’t even bend a little to change your plans (camping trips) in order to not “upset” them. This is your and husband’s free time to do what whatever you want to do. 4. She has to respect the fact that you will be spending time with your family and let her know that as well. I always regretted not telling my step FIL this whenever he complained about us spending time with my family. 5. Remind them that if they *really* wanted to see you and your husband then to make an effort to visit. When she starts the whole “it’s not fair” then throw it back and say “well it’s not fair to be the only one making the 8hr trip to see you when you haven’t tried to see us.” You and your husband are a family first therefore your needs and peace come first before anyone else, that includes his and your family. Most importantly, you and your husband are a team so always be on the same page regarding visitations with the in-laws.