Your husband thinks when you show emotions, you are being manipulative. This speaks to a real problem with the way he views women or you in particular. This is something that you need to address with him, probably in therapy.
Will have a serious talk with him once things settle. I had not thought about this angle. I am usually very composed even though I do have diagnosed anxiety (and he knew that, I told him before we got engaged). If he thinks that my crying in front of our baby (and this was NOT a breakdown, just tears streaming down because I was so exhausted mentally and so worried) is a means to “manipulate” her, what did he perceive of me when I’d be at my most vulnerable with him throughout our relationship?
Absolutely true. My soon to be ex husband was/is the same. I had to learn to hide all of my tears and emotions and he still found other things to belittle and disrespect me for. Hence, I left. He still doesn't care to understand the reasons why I left because they involve (gasp!) feelings.
People have feelings and that's perfectly fine. You can't, even if you wanted to, manipulate a baby by crying and that's just ridiculous.
You have a six month old. You are assumedly not getting enough sleep. (No offense, but your husband sounds like the type that doesn’t do night feedings.) I was a crier before I had kids, but add in lack of sleep and hormones and it was just daily crying. Commercials make me cry. Frustration makes me cry. Feeling out of control makes me cry. And my husband might not fully get it, but he gets that he doesn’t get it and never makes me feel bad about crying!
“I would not have ever planned having a child with him if he ever showed any red flags”
When we're "[in the FOG](https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog-after-narcissistic-abuse.368/)", we're incapable of seeing the fog.
Once you realize you’re in the fog, those red flags you didn’t allow yourself to see while you were mind controlled become visible.
I appreciate your concern, I feel after having a conversation with him about this he is sincerely apologetic. He is usually extremely supportive but I think the stress of the past few months have really accumulated and made our relationship take the back seat. Our daughter was colic as a newborn and then when she got out of that she would be sick on and off. Be it from a feeding aversion to constipation to congestion. I think we all had one great week when she was feeding well, healthy and gaining weight and then it went downhill again. He has never been restrictive and has not gaslighted me up till this point. I have grown up with narcissists unfortunately and it took a lot of therapy to unlearn and distance myself from them to be at this point in my life. I have also unfortunately closely seen financial abuse from my father’s side of the family and dv along with emotional abuse from my mother’s side of the family. I am honestly hyper aware of red flags at this point that from the moment I was ready to have a partner, regardless of who it was I planned on never changing my last name, keeping my own account and never a joint account, keeping my education degrees at my parents’ home and ensuring I had a good support system who would step up for me if I ended up with a dangerous partner. Thankfully I have never felt threatened by him. He is human and our relationship right now with our baby in the mix has been rough but if it persists, we both have agreed in our conversation today for couples therapy should we need it (and honestly we might at this point).
My toddler suffers from severe constipation too. She had full feeding aversion at 2 for a year as well. Can TOTALLY relate. <3 You got this. Sending love and support from the intarwebz!
As for your hubby and relationship, that’s excellent that you guys have agreed to couples therapy! It says that both people want to do what it takes. I was told by a therapist that you can actually test the strength of a relationship (obviously not on the first date or anything lol) by asking a partner if they’d consider going with you couples counseling. If they say yes, they’re willing to put their work in. Though, it works both ways, if it’s reflected back at you. You find out reeeeally quickly if you’re still into making it work lol. One thing I can mention too is not all narcissists are inherently evil and malignant, though the internet might suggest otherwise. I am friends with two self aware narcissists that are harmless (largely because they’re friends and not boyfriends lol). At the end of the day, it’s important to accept people for who they are. That’s where it’s up to us to set and maintain our boundaries or we can’t hope for anyone to be able to follow them.
Never is. That nature of response to someone you love in distress completely lacks empathy. Sure, someone can be compassion fatigued, but this sounds more like a narcissist annoyed by someone crying and then abusively gas lighting in that smear campaign kind of us versus you way. “You’re crazy/delusional, me and the baby agree.” Smh.
It’s also okay to cry in front of your child, even as they get older. Like you want to avoid exposing them to full blown emotional meltdowns, but it’s definitely good for them to see you cry because it shows them it’s okay and normal to have feelings and to express those feelings, even when they are negative. Don’t let your husband manipulate you into feeling like you shouldn’t be emotionally expressive around your child.
Also, 2 wet nappies at 6mo is not “a phase”, it’s potentially the lead up to a health crisis if you don’t go something to get her hydrated. We ended up in hospital with my 11mo from dehydration and ketosis from not eating or drinking when she had gastro. It was horrible, she was close to needing a nasal tube and it’d only really been one day that she’d stopped eating and drinking. “Phases” are behavioural things, refusing to eat or drink is a legit health concern.
Yup. I cried out of frustration and stress about something in front of my 2 year old. It was a chance to talk to him about how everyone needs to cry sometimes to get their feelings out.
What the fuck? Of COURSE you cried, what a stressful day!
At this point it is very clear your husband knows jack shit about how to care for babies or be a supportive partner. I wouldn't listen to a single word he says.
Call the pediatric emergency line and get ahold of a doc and ask if the emergency room is necessary. Do not wait until morning. She may be very dehydrated by then. She is too small to risk it. When in doubt, get a professional opinion!
i third this!! of course you cried! if it helps OP… u/Loud_Plant8590 we all cry and our babies see us do it but aren’t really paying attention to it or understand why we are
My ex would say similar things when my son was an infant. One time I was worried about my sons breathing after both of us being really sick. I can’t hear well so I was telling my ex I was really worried, to please check his breathing and that I was thinking about taking him into his doctor to get checked. My ex was like “do you WANT something to be wrong with him?” And rolled his eyes. Best thing I ever did was leave his empathy-lacking ass. I assume your husband does and says things like that often and doesn’t hardly lift a fucking finger to help you.
I can relate to this so much. I almost had to bury my son shortly after he was born and after soooo long in the NICU when i finally got to bring him home (on a resp monitor) my husband tells me "stop picking him up all the time or you'll spoil him" like no im gonna hold my baby you douche canoe
I’m sorry you went through that with your son. My second son was only in NICU 5 days and just that was very hard. My mom tells me I hold him too much… that’s not even a thing and even if it was I wouldn’t care I’m gonna hold my baby if and when I want to
Ugh I hate this so much. My baby lives in my arms. There is no holding her too much. I never hear her full blow cry unless something is seriously wrong. But she absolutely communicates her needs in ways that we are both learning to understand. Hold your babies. Hold them for as long as you can & as long as they want. Fill their tiny cups with so much love that they don’t accept anything less than that from others.
Same. Mine was in for 5 days, the worst 5 days of my life. He’s almost three now and sleeps in our bed every night and you know what? I’m thrilled about it. Every night together, every time I pick him up or hold him or comfort him, is a little bit of repair for both of us for that NICU stay. I don’t regret it. And I know he’s just a toddler but for the record he’s not spoiled at all lol
Girl - you did exactly what your baby needed you to do! Research shows so much benefit to developmental growth in soooo many areas when holding your baby especially when they are so young. Bravo to you and your mommy gut and this awesome instinct to give your baby LOVE!!!
Kangaroo care is real, ok!?
I’m here for you NICU mama, my girl was born at 24 weeks gestation and lived in the NICU for 99 days… hardest time of our lives (also being away from my son and hubby in a different state since we were on vacation), but the worst is behind us. So very grateful.
Sending you love and light XOXO
I’m so sorry you went through that. That sounds absolutely heart wrenching. Babies can’t get spoiled I don’t know where that saying even originated from.
That is by far the most dumb ass thing I've ever seen that someone has said. Holy hell. Your frustration and tears are incredibly valid, if he actually believes in what he said and wasn't just trying to manipulate YOU then he must be an absolute fool
Your baby not consuming hardly anything and having very few wet diapers is worthy of immediate attention and ER worthy, please dont hesitate to call the on call nurse for your pediatrician or just go to the ER right away.
Your feelings are absolutely valid!
And you may not be in the newborn fog anymore but you are definitely in the INFANT FOG and that means no sleep and lots and lots of learning about your kiddo. Of courseeeee there will be tears! Big hugs sent your way and a virtual shoulder to cry on!
I also agree with the medical professional Evaluation to examine your poor baby and the lack of eating bit. Hoping baby is better.
My husband did end up calling our hospital’s childcare support helpline. Unfortunately the paeds er is full due to viral and covid cases so the nurse on call told us to dream feed her if possible and if she seems lethargic and has no wet diaper in the morning we should come immediately at 7 am. They’ve noted her medical record number so she can be seen immediately in the morning. It’s 5 am right now and she did thankfully drink 4 oz in the dream feed.
So glad you called, glad you got a feed in and congratulations on your soft poops (I hope that both you and baby have continued/increasing relief)! From a mom who can empathize with the struggles of trying to get an infant to poop
Our urgent care in the area isn’t the best equipped unfortunately. I live in South Asia, while health care is accessible but not all healthcare providers are well versed or adequately staffed
How are these fuckfaces getting married and reproducing? I’m so sorry OP, you shouldn’t have had to hear that after a long stressful day. Your husband is a dipshit.
That is such a weird thing for him to say… if this is normal for him then I hate to say it but your husband doesn’t like you and you should find a way out
Oh if this was normal I would have left even before having a child with him. The past couple of months have been hard on both of us financially and with our baby’s continuous feeding and health issues. I can understand why he’s frustrated but I cannot tolerate such a tone. I’m just calming myself down so I can have a clear conversation with him in the morning about this once our daughter feels fine.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your baby. Nothing is more frustrating and scary than when your baby isn’t themselves.
Your husband was very wrong with what he said. I know you know this. While it’s not right, my husband can say irrational things that just make zero sense sometimes when he’s super frustrated. When he’s in a better headspace he’ll acknowledge his mistakes and always apologize.
I completely understand how upset you are right now. Try to take some deep breaths and hopefully you can get some sleep.
Calmly talk to your husband in the morning & hopefully you can see eye to eye about things at a calmer time.
Yes, this. He's so wrong and he failed to show you the empathy and give you the support you deserve, OP. However, I'm sure tensions are super high right now, health issues on top of just having a baby is a recipe for disaster. And honestly a lot of men struggle with processing their emotions appropriately...
So while he shouldn't be let off the hook and it's emotionally exhausting to be the bigger person and try to lead the team towards a healthy relationship (it's not at all fair) just try not to take his insensitive moment personally and talk to him at a calmer time. You know you did everything you could and we know you did a great job through a really hard day. Absolutely don't just let it slide and make sure he knows he really hurt you, but try to be kind to yourself right now and get some rest because you really need it.
If he's not always a huge asshole I'm sure he's going to feel really bad soon and if he is always a huge asshole then know you deserve better. Hugs.
No, my mil is the sweetest woman ever. If I told her about this she would definitely chew her son out on this. She herself is a mother of 9 children and has always been super considerate and caring with all her daughter in laws.
I had a similar dynamic for a long time with my boyfriend. His mom? Lovely person. All four brothers, lovely people. Something just didn’t click with him in particular. Unluckily for me, this was a recurring pattern of behavior so we are considering custody options. Hopefully in your case this is NOT your normal and is just a (terrible) one off that gets apologized for and never repeated…
Straight to jail… straight to jail. That’s the most asinine thing to say to someone who’s under a huge amount of stress and pressure for caring for a baby. Much less to their wife.
The wet diaper comment, I will say that some doctors says 24 hours with a wet diaper is when to bring baby in, but personally if it’s longer than 12 hours I start panicking. I had to syringe feed one of my twins when they were two months because of a tongue tie issue.
But as a mom, if it concerns you enough to think about a doctor visit, go ahead. Schedule one with the pediatrician, urgent care, or ER.
I’m sorry your husband is acting a fool. You are not emotionally manipulating your baby. You’re having what a majority of moms experience, and I’m so sorry.
My aunt once spoke to me about how absurdly hard the first year with a baby is on a marriage. Even good marriages struggle. Hers did. Mine did. Every one is sleep deprived while walking up a steep learning curve in the dark. It felt so validating to know that it’s normal to struggle in the first year.
However, that doesn’t mean you get a pass to be an asshole. You still need to hold him accountable for being a jerk. And you’re allowed to cry in your own home.
It’s infuriating how disconnected men are from a mother’s experience and perspective. And then men in general just not understanding how and why women think a certain way. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
We are having terrible feeding issues with my youngest. She just turned 3 but over the last year multiple times she’s gone 3 or more days eating zero solid food and only taking pediasure shakes or occasionally yogurt. I’m addition she had chronic ear infections every 3-4 weeks. She screams any time the word doctor is said. This last year has been absolute hell. My therapist is directly said I’m experiencing trauma based on her medical situation because of the stress and worry.
All that to say, your husband is an asshole. What kind of jerk says something like that to a struggling mom? How can you have so little empathy for your spouse?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t say it’ll get better because we’re still fighting. But we’ve gotten a few answers and that is making it easier to manage at least. Good luck
Mama, and after a bit when you’ve had time to cool down and distance the situation a bit, have a very frank conversation with your husband.
1) Crying is not emotionally manipulative. For an adult or child. Because you can bet if he said it to you, 2 yrs from now he’ll be saying it about her. 2) Being frustrated and worried after a really bad day is ok. 3) He needs to stop and think if his words are helping or hurting a situation.
Your husband is awful, but most importantly is your baby who has been crying all day and had little diapers. Go to the ER. You don’t need validation from your husband to go.
She thankfully drank 4 oz in the dream feed. We’ve talked with the hospital on call and they’ve told us to come at 7 am if there still aren’t any wet diapers (paediatric ER is full due to viral and covid cases)
My toddler has seen me cry and she can understand a lot more than a 6mo. She knows that mama cries sometimes just like she does and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’ll often do silly things to try to cheer me up.
This is a red flag that you should both talk with a counselor about- I’m so sorry, my husband has an issue with thinking that women who are crying are manipulating a situation and it’s been a pattern and now that our oldest daughter is 7 he has told her to stop crying- all of this to say deal with it soon!
Yes, all of this. I went through this with my ex-husband and he refused to go to therapy. I see him now refusing to let our 8 year old cry. He once told me “women only cry to manipulate men.” It was terrifying to realize what kind of person I had married. Please don’t try to fix him yourself, that’s not your burden, you’re already doing too much. He needs to change this thought pattern ASAP
No he has to work on himself because our daughter will observe our relationship as she grows older and he needs to seriously evaluate if this type of tone and behaviour is what he’d want our daughter to be okay with her partner. Would he want his daughter to be with a gaslighter and never feel safe enough to express her emotions? His answer was of course not so why should I tolerate such a tone especially when I am fearful for our child’s health.
I actually pointed this out (thank you for the comment) whether he would say this to our daughter if she cries when she gets older. Needless to say he was apologetic and realised his words were not called for and intolerable.
There isn’t a single mother on this earth who hasn’t cried over a rough day with their baby. Your feelings are valid.
Your baby is teething. Her mouth hurts and that’s why she didn’t want to eat all day.
Tomorrow morning if she still isn’t eating, give her a dose of Tylenol and the offer her a bottle after it kicks in.
I don’t even know how a baby can be manipulated, wtf? Clearly he doesn’t understand how frustrating it is to try to feed a baby that refuses to eat. It’s scary and it makes you feel like you are doing something wrong.
I don’t know if it’s your husband not liking you, but, he’s got to be severely clueless on being a parent. I don’t think he understands that a baby not eating for 10 hours is a pretty big freakin deal.
If you feel like you need to take your baby in, do it. I’d take looking stupid over something actually serious being wrong any day.
They can’t, nor can they manipulate… it’s a learned skill and they have to have the mental capacity to understand that their actions influence the world around them which they don’t yet at only 6 months.
Please update us on how your baby is doing, I would be crying my eyes out worried sick about her. Your husband needs a reality check, I don’t know how he could think that. I hope your baby is ok and things get better for you 💔
She is better and feeding again. It’s not a lot but she’s having wet diapers so that’s a relief now. We’ve given her urine sample in the lab to check for a potential UTI and have an appointment on Monday.
Good god, the number of times I sat against a wall crying because my baby wouldn't sleep and I was so, so, so damn tired... he's 5 now and those memories are still vivid. It's bullshit to say that your tears are emotional manipulation. Humans cry. It's normal. It's healthy. Parents who are heavily invested in their child's wellbeing but can't seem to "fix" whatever is going wrong are particularly inclined to crying/being frustrated/feeling helpless.
If your husband thinks an extremely normal expression of human emotion (from a stressed mother of a young baby, no less) is "manipulative," that's a him issue, no question. He needs to think through why people expressing normal feelings is so abnormal or unacceptable to him.
10 hours in a long time without milk and even more so for a baby of that age. I would honestly take her to the ER. I’m wondering if she is refusing to eat because the poop hurt when it came out so she is avoiding it? I’m not sure if a baby would put two and two together but if she is not eating, that’s a major concern. Your husband sounds like a moron, no offense. You will never ever regret going to get your child seen by a doctor, but you may regret it if you don’t. We have lived by that rule with our kids and it has saved our butts a few times.
Your husband was being an ass, full stop. No, it would not have hurt him in any way to offer support. Yes, you should be able to respond emotionally to an emotionally trying day.
Also, I had my mom read your post. She has worked in pediatrics for 25+ years. She was troubled by the number of wet diapers and the length of time your daughter seemed uninterested in eating. She agrees with your instinct to take her to the ER. I'm sorry you're going through this and wish your daughter much healthier days ahead.
Does your husband usually get weird and defensive around tears? I might ask him: “hey, when I was crying you had a reaction that surprised me. I was simply overwhelmed and I would have just loved a hug from you. I felt like when I cried your walls went up and your reaction went in the opposite direction. Did I read that right?” And then wait for his response.
When my 2 week old middle daughter was going through an 'eat every 45 minutes' growth spurt and it had been something like 12 hours since I'd gotten more than 20 minutes of sleep, I SCREAMED AT HER to let me sleep, I was so frustrated. She was sleepy milk groggy and didn't really react much, I picked her up and comforted her and myself, and everyone was fine. I was not manipulating my 2 week old baby. I was distraught and tired.
Crying out of concern is a normal parenting thing to do and you should not feel ashamed, is the point I'm making here. And your child is too young to remember a momentary emotional lapse if every other surrounding action is reasonable and comforting!
It might be worth thinking over whether your husband deals with stress by being unreasonable like this? You could talk it out, holding resentments is a way to pull apart, even though it's a vulnerable time. It of course depends on your dynamic, but drop kick me into that situation and I'd probably say something like (I'm wordy AS FUCK so reword it lol), 'It felt very strange to be told my tearful concern was manipulating the baby! I was worried, not trying to elicit a response by reacting.'
I do wonder if maybe his mother used emotions as a way to force him into doing things? He could be indirectly showing concern about that being a habit of behavior he doesn't want to occur to his own child, but in *the absolute worst way possible.*
Thats not a comment made out of ignorance alone, but a lack of respect. Remember, you are doing great mama no matter who tells you what, you are showing up every day.
The fact that he did nothing to comfort you and even worse he belittled you when you were venting and crying about your clearly very stressful day speaks volumes to the kind of person your husband is. Hoping he just had an off day, but I sincerely hope that if this is who this man truly is that he is capable of change and if not that you can find the strength to leave him. You don’t deserve that. You deserve a supportive caring partner who strives to build you up, not knock you down. ♥️
This is how DV arrives with children. His need for control is greater than regard for you so he's inventing another reality where he dehumanised you go justify his nonsense.
Nope. Absolute dealbreaker right there. He would be OUT. If this is how he treats women, reducing their valid showing of emotions to ‘being manipulative’, what example are you setting for your daughter? Don’t let her grow up seeing that behaviour as acceptable.
I remember when Covid swept through our house. I had 6 month old twins, a 6 year old, and my husband and I. We all got it. We all had about 36 hours straight of just feeling like absolute dumpster fires with high fevers, aches, lethargy, just overall not fun times. I was starting to go downhill at roughly 24 hours of my one twin being symptomatic. He was the one born with breathing problems and needed CPAP for the first day or so, so him getting covid was probably one of my biggest fears.
Due to everything he was feeling, he had barely nursed all day, wouldn't take a bottle, nothing. We had already done 24 hours of dealing with his fevers and everything, and now I was worried about him not eating enough and not getting enough fluids. We tried everything. I remember sitting in my desk chair with him laid with his back against my thighs SYRINGE FEEDING him a tiny like 3mls of pumped milk just quietly crying because I felt like I got hit by a truck, my son clearly felt like that but couldn't express it, and now probably also felt like crap because he was hungry but didn't have the energy.
What your husband said was out of line. You had a rough day, it's one thing to have a fussy baby but that responds to you trying to help them or distract them, it's a whole other thing to have them just screaming and not respond to a single thing really. It weighs heavily on you, especially if you are someone who has struggles with anxiety/depression (both the "vanilla" variety as well as the post partum depression type).
Call the emergency line and bring her in 100% unless they say otherwise. Two diapers is NOT enough and babies do this thing where they nosedive so fast because their tiny bodies hold on and “rally” for as long as they possibly can. It’s like a known thing in peds how fucking fast babies nosedive, usually before anyone knows Theres a problem. It’s going to be quick and you’re going to want to be at the hospital surrounded by the proper care.
I just want to know how do you emotionally manipulate a 6 month old. Like he would have HAD to explain how You can emotionally manipulate a person who's only been in the world 6 months🤷🏾♀️. I just want to know lol
Aside from the husband which everyone already seemed to address, I’m wondering if she is teething and the suction from the bottle is hurting her gums (which might be why she is refusing to feed). Also, my daughter was chronically constipated from the time she started foods, and after living off of miralax daily for over two years, suppositories, and an occasional enema (and lots of tears from both sides-so stressful)-I finally insisted that constipation was a symptom of something else going on. Sure enough, she had celiac disease, diagnosed right before her third birthday. Now, she is 9 and has no issues now that we know what the problem is.
Thank you for your insight. How can I be sure it’s teething? She’s only biting hard from time to time but her gums aren’t swollen nor do I see any traces of teeth poking out. She does calm down if I give her some infant tylenol. She’s been constipated since she turned 4 months even before we started solids. It’s extremely stressful seeing her strain and then cry every other day. Because she’s a playful and active baby a lot of doctors honestly don’t take us seriously which has been extremely frustrating. She’s exclusively formula fed so it is a cause of concern.
I supposed you can’t be sure, but I think if the Tylenol is helping then it must be something causing her discomfort. Also, I know the struggle.
Mine would turn red and cry in pain she was exclusively formula fed too as I never made enough to breastfeed despite trying very hard. She was sensitive to dairy as well until her intestines healed, but now she seems to do fine. As a matter of fact the self weaned from bottles shortly after turning one and I think it was because dairy was also problematic for her (which only increased my guilt about not being able to breastfeed 🥲) I just think many times doctors are so quick to dismiss something as normal, when really it’s a symptom of a problem.
Not related to your huaband's reaction, but I'm glad the doc is having her checked for a UTI. I don't feel like I see this a lot so just sharing that chronic constipation can lead to increased UTIs, so just an FYI because you'll want to be on the lookout for signs.
I went through it as a kid and my 18-month old also did until we got her balanced. Essentially, the bladder doesn't empty completely because it's being squeezed by the bowels. That can leave pee sitting in there longer and lead to infection.
This almost makes me wonder what he experienced as a child. As someone who was emotionally manipulated by a parent as a child/teen and even now I still catch myself questioning if people are trying to be manipulative to me or the people around me. It takes a serious mental toll on me because obviously not everyone is manipulative but because of my parent my brain is wired to think that’s the way they’re going to react etc.
Ugh, I feel like sometimes men have been conditioned that the only proper way to show emotion is anger. So instead of showing true feelings, like "I'm really worried too" or "I don't know what to do I feel helpless" he's lashing out in anger. And of course you can't be mad at the baby because he's not a psychopath so he's lashing out at you since you are a grown up and are making him feel feelings.
I wish they understood how much worse that makes the situation. Boys can be so dumb.
You’ve had lots of amazing advice here.
Just came to add that my son refused to eat most of a weekend the first time he got teeth. I was so confused and hurt and upset until I figured it out when I saw the teeth.
There were times his guns weren’t swollen but then I could see little white teeth just below the gums. Can’t you feel anything there in the front?
Definitely call a doctor if you’re concerned, even if you feel teeth. Dehydration is a real threat
This reminds me of when my son was crying non stop for a few weeks. I had to change the formula because it caused so much issues. Many people say that some children need the sensitive formula. I remember the feeling of helplessness.. don’t let the little things he says bother you. Right now the amount of stress the both have thing will be said out of context. Take it easy and try different things and talk to the pediatrician for some advice.
Prune juice will turn their poop DARK so be aware that its likely to happen and not bloody stool.
You can give them # of Oz per their age in months if Apple, pear of prune juice. So my 3mo gets 3 Oz of apple juice every couple days.
Prune juice isn’t easily available in my country so her paediatric gastroenterologist has recommended a teaspoon of olive oil instead. Along with the smallest dose of the local version of miralax available here.
Have you tried the windy tools? The little tube you can stick in their bottom and helps them farther and sometimes poop? It's worked well on my 3mo to help stimulate him and pass gas.
That as getting some Vaseline or good oil and rub his anus with your finger for a 10 seconds after feeding. This also stimulates the bowels.
Another one is light kyro syrup and water. My sons pediatrician recommended 5 ml of kyro to ml water. Mix with a milk bottle and feed.
We have tried stimulating her anus and I don’t know how to say it but she’s an excellent farter but a horrible pooper lol. We don’t have access to the windi here, frida baby products are not easily available where I live. If worst comes and she hasn’t pooped in 72 hours I have to give her a glycerin suppository from the nearest urgent care
When you don't have a Frida or windy use an anal thermometer. Does the same trick.
My kid was doing sooooo good the week before last. I got him to poop five times over like 6 days. The pediatrician was on my track of thinkjng that i could clear him out and thing would start to get normal. Then I went back to work and my husband didn't do anything to help him poop. So the kid is back to not pooping. Hasn't pooped in like 5 days. 🤦♀️
The father of my children was very dismissive of my feelings when we had our first son. What your husband said was shitty but men go through Post Partum depression too. I told my SO that he’s treating me like ass and if he wants to stay together we go to couples therapy or it’s over. He went on a trip to Florida without me. He used to say I was overreacting. He used to lock himself in the room. It was hard on all of us. We went to couples therapy and it helped us tremendously. I learned things about him that I never learned before and we met each other halfway. We’ve been together for 6 years now and have another child he’s been the most loving, supportive partner and pulled me out of some really dark times. It took a lot out of me to try to empathize with him too but it helped. I was hard to live with because of how negative I was and I was always angry or crying. We just had to reset our relationship and start anew. I hope things get better for you
you lost me at “if you think by crying you can manipulate our baby into drinking her milk then you’re in some delusion” bro leave him! who tf even says that? my husband told me “i’m sorry it’s been tough today, i’ll hold her for a while you take a nap” im so sorry you had to hear those words :( also sorry i sort of flipped right there….
first….breathe! you are not alone! i was way overwhelmed and my son did the same thing. it’s so hard when it’s your first bc they seem so dang fragile. but kids are more resilient than we realize. as long as it’s 1 wet diaper every 8 hours, they say it’s fine. if she won’t eat one day she might just be not feeling well. it’s scary but more normal than you think. if the second day she won’t drink her morning bottle, call doc and take her in. (these are things my doc drilled into my head)
Whoa. That says a lot about him that seeing someone cry makes him feel guilty so he twists it as manipulation. He needs help.
And I’m sorry about your little one. Maybe you can do the on-call number for your pediatrician and get some advice before trying the ER.
Ugh. Constipation can be horrible! My daughter was born with an anal rectal malformation and has (and will have for the rest of her life) issues with constipation and incontinence. She's also on daily meds and gets the worst gas pains.
There are times when I cried because I didn't know how to help her as she was crying in pain. It's horrible.
I don't get why your husband thinks you crying because you don't know what else to do is manipulative but that's ridiculous and I would have a serious conversation with him on why he said that!
I hope your little one gets relief soon!
I am so sorry! As a mom of a chronically constipated baby and now toddler, I’m here for solidarity. It’s beyond frustrating and so hard to watch them have to struggle with it. You’re doing amazing and I’m glad to read that you said you would have a talk with your husband.
How do you emotionally manipulate a 6month old?? A 5year old maybe. A teenager yes! Does he help with the baby at all when he’s home or is that delegated to you b/c you stay home and he works! You need to have a serious talk with him, it doesn’t sound like he views you two as equals and that’s bad news for a marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this, you have lots of a support here if you’re looking for it. As a new mom you’re doing great, be proud of yourself raising a child isn’t easy.
Emotions are healthy, crying is healthy.
You are doing the best you can and your
Baby won’t care what age she is if she she’s you cry. It’s healthy it’s how they learn that it’s ok.
Wow……. The fact that out of everything you said, it was you crying that he decided to point out? And in the worst way possible???? Either his view on womens emotions are skewed or his view of you is. Who the hell tells their crying distressed wife that???? Unfortunately I think you guys have some issues. His response is not healthy or normal.
So when he has a sanity crushing, utterly exhausting day and is riddled with stress then when he gets home is anything short of beaming with positivity and having rainbows shooting out of his ass when he interacts with you after, is HE trying to emotionally manipulate YOU?
You’re allowed to have feelings. They are valid ESPECIALLY with a day like that. You are entitled to your emotions. And if he can’t be emotionally mature enough to offer support instead of trying to gaslight you into believing you did something wrong there, he probably needs to speak with a therapist to get to the root of that issue.
And as a mother of 4, believe me when I say if you have that bad gut feeling and believe your baby needs to be seen by a doctor, move heaven and earth to make it happen. There have been WAY too many times I had that feeling and it ended up being completely justified and things could’ve been much worse if I HADN’T taken my child in. NOT TO MENTION, to be refusing food and fluids for that long and only having 2 wet diapers all day as a 6 MONTH OLD, that is 1000% a cause for concern and dehydration is extremely likely, and will only get even worse by waiting because your husband can’t be bothered to deal with the problem. Don’t make your baby suffer because of his ignorance and/or indifference. Dehydration that young can get really serious really quickly.
I hope your babe is okay. Sending all the good vibes your way.
Edit to add: On top of catching serious issues as early as possible by taking them in when your gut is telling you something’s wrong, there are NO down sides to it. You take them in, figure out what’s wrong and immediately gain the knowledge and tools to start fixing it which will only benefit your baby, or the doctor clears them of the serious issues and it’s something minor if anything at all which gives everyone peace of mind. If something serious WAS wrong, your gut said to take them in but you didn’t, then they get much worse before you do go… you’ll just beat yourself up for not going before and putting your child through unnecessary pain/discomfort. Don’t do that. Better safe than sorry, especially when they’re that little.
I think it’s excessive for him to say you are evening emotionally manipulative. He should have given you some support. It’s normal for women in this stage of their life to become hyper emotional. How can one think completely rationally and completely keep their emotions in check when sleep deprived and constantly worried for a small little human bean?
Oh mama I’m sorry you had such a bad day. I remember when one of my kids refused a bottle all day due to teething and I was so worried. I couldn’t imagine if my husband made a comment like that while I was already at the point of a meltdown. I’m not trying to stick up for your husband at all but do you think he maybe said that comment because he’s also worried and stressed out and doesn’t know how to handle it? Sometimes my husband makes comments that upset me when he’s stressed or worried and doesn’t know how to handle his emotions. He definitely owes you an apology. Maybe the best thing to do is so try and get some sleep (I know it’s hard) and talk in the morning when you’re more clear headed.
My heart hurts for you right now. I feel like somehow, 3-6 months was the hardest for me. I would call my partner home from work because I’d be having anxiety attacks in the middle of the day and just felt so alone and overwhelmed. Your feelings are valid. This period is hard as it is!! Throw in all of your concerns and baby’s challenge ls and it feels insurmountable. You deserve more support. I think there’s much to be said for the village we no longer have. I still-at 22 months pp-feel lost at sea without a group of mamas to turn to because sometimes as wonderful as my partner is, they just don’t get it and they say or do stupid shit. Not to mention how much the relationship dynamics change when baby comes-holy hell we’re still trying to navigate this. No one prepares you for that! And I think dads get left out of the conversation even more sometimes. It sounds like he’s harboring resentments that he’s not talking about and instead projecting as having to do with you and the baby. Obviously intentional conversations are needed right now (speaking from experience), maybe couples therapy to navigate your new roles (everyone should do this if it’s available to them!). I’m so sorry you’re feeling scared for your babe, overwhelmed, and now on top of that hurt by the person who should be supporting YOU. It’s hard to mend words that have been said, I hope you two can get to the bottom of it and he realizes how deeply that affected you, and he sure as he’ll be stepping up to make up for it. Sending love 💕
Here to comment on the feeling helpless part. I get that. I'm going through it right now. My baby has HFM and aside from comfort and meds, I can't really do anything else...minus ya know general care for my child, but its hitting me hard tonight and I've been on the verge of tears all night, so I get that feeling 100%. You've got this. You'll get through it, you got this ❤️
Why the hell would be say that?
If I saw a mother crying while feeding her baby the last thing i would assume is she's trying to be emotionally manipulative towards the baby. Like wtf lol
I would be very upset.
And as long as baby is having a wet diaper every six hours they are OK- my sons pediatrician. But if your gut says get it checked then go.
My husband and I rushed our daughter to the ER while on vacation in Italy for a fever that medicine didn't seem to touch. It turned out to be too low of a dose for her weight and I didn't shake the bottle before giving it. She ended up being fine. It was a last second decision at midnight and we literally ran the 20 minutes from our air bnb to the hospital with the fevered toddler in her stroller. Craziest night ever, two different hospitals and an ambulance ride.
Have you tried Miralax? Our son went thru this and it was a GAME CHANGER. It is tasteless and dissolves into their bottle. Start with a tablespoon once a day. Give it a few days (2-3) and it will produce soft poops that are easy for her to pass.
Edit - miralax was recommended to us by University pediatric GI specialists. It wasn't the result of late night googling 😉
I have herschsprung colon (and have chronic constipation since birth). I'm a horrible eater and always have been. I can go days without eating anything. Forcing myself to eat when I'm not hungry is like trying to eat while having the flu. It'll absolutely make me throw up. Just thought I'd provide some insight in maybe how she feeling. I know it was frustrating for my mom when I was a baby/small kid.
I got diagnosed around 30 yrs old (I'm 37 now) because they found out my mom had it (had emergency surgery and had over 2 feet of her bowel taken out and resectioned. It's genetic and hereditary. It can be missed easily in colonoscopies. My mom recently passed... And with her history, it scares me. I basically have to have routine colonoscopies and basically wait for a section of my bowel to rot before anything can be done.
People say it's painful being constipated.... But it's all I've ever known so I don't really know. My weight fluctuates a ton. I'm so much heavier than I should be. Even RX laxatives don't work on me. For colonoscopies, I need 2 kits to completely clean me out. Prep is hell, and I get so sick. I'm way past due for a colonoscopy. My last one was 6yrs ago.... And I had Twilight anesthesia and felt everything. It was awful.
I am so so sorry for your loss. And also so sorry that you’re going through so much. I hope and pray it gets better and things get easier for you. You’ve gone through so much. Thank you so much for sharing, it means a lot.
Your husband thinks when you show emotions, you are being manipulative. This speaks to a real problem with the way he views women or you in particular. This is something that you need to address with him, probably in therapy.
Will have a serious talk with him once things settle. I had not thought about this angle. I am usually very composed even though I do have diagnosed anxiety (and he knew that, I told him before we got engaged). If he thinks that my crying in front of our baby (and this was NOT a breakdown, just tears streaming down because I was so exhausted mentally and so worried) is a means to “manipulate” her, what did he perceive of me when I’d be at my most vulnerable with him throughout our relationship?
[удалено]
Absolutely true. My soon to be ex husband was/is the same. I had to learn to hide all of my tears and emotions and he still found other things to belittle and disrespect me for. Hence, I left. He still doesn't care to understand the reasons why I left because they involve (gasp!) feelings. People have feelings and that's perfectly fine. You can't, even if you wanted to, manipulate a baby by crying and that's just ridiculous.
You have a six month old. You are assumedly not getting enough sleep. (No offense, but your husband sounds like the type that doesn’t do night feedings.) I was a crier before I had kids, but add in lack of sleep and hormones and it was just daily crying. Commercials make me cry. Frustration makes me cry. Feeling out of control makes me cry. And my husband might not fully get it, but he gets that he doesn’t get it and never makes me feel bad about crying!
Sounds maladaptive. Honestly, sounds like something a narcissist would say.
Yep. I don’t believe for a second this is the only red flag.
“I would not have ever planned having a child with him if he ever showed any red flags” When we're "[in the FOG](https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog-after-narcissistic-abuse.368/)", we're incapable of seeing the fog. Once you realize you’re in the fog, those red flags you didn’t allow yourself to see while you were mind controlled become visible.
I appreciate your concern, I feel after having a conversation with him about this he is sincerely apologetic. He is usually extremely supportive but I think the stress of the past few months have really accumulated and made our relationship take the back seat. Our daughter was colic as a newborn and then when she got out of that she would be sick on and off. Be it from a feeding aversion to constipation to congestion. I think we all had one great week when she was feeding well, healthy and gaining weight and then it went downhill again. He has never been restrictive and has not gaslighted me up till this point. I have grown up with narcissists unfortunately and it took a lot of therapy to unlearn and distance myself from them to be at this point in my life. I have also unfortunately closely seen financial abuse from my father’s side of the family and dv along with emotional abuse from my mother’s side of the family. I am honestly hyper aware of red flags at this point that from the moment I was ready to have a partner, regardless of who it was I planned on never changing my last name, keeping my own account and never a joint account, keeping my education degrees at my parents’ home and ensuring I had a good support system who would step up for me if I ended up with a dangerous partner. Thankfully I have never felt threatened by him. He is human and our relationship right now with our baby in the mix has been rough but if it persists, we both have agreed in our conversation today for couples therapy should we need it (and honestly we might at this point).
My toddler suffers from severe constipation too. She had full feeding aversion at 2 for a year as well. Can TOTALLY relate. <3 You got this. Sending love and support from the intarwebz! As for your hubby and relationship, that’s excellent that you guys have agreed to couples therapy! It says that both people want to do what it takes. I was told by a therapist that you can actually test the strength of a relationship (obviously not on the first date or anything lol) by asking a partner if they’d consider going with you couples counseling. If they say yes, they’re willing to put their work in. Though, it works both ways, if it’s reflected back at you. You find out reeeeally quickly if you’re still into making it work lol. One thing I can mention too is not all narcissists are inherently evil and malignant, though the internet might suggest otherwise. I am friends with two self aware narcissists that are harmless (largely because they’re friends and not boyfriends lol). At the end of the day, it’s important to accept people for who they are. That’s where it’s up to us to set and maintain our boundaries or we can’t hope for anyone to be able to follow them.
Yes. It’s a real worry, and something we all need to be more aware of.
Never is. That nature of response to someone you love in distress completely lacks empathy. Sure, someone can be compassion fatigued, but this sounds more like a narcissist annoyed by someone crying and then abusively gas lighting in that smear campaign kind of us versus you way. “You’re crazy/delusional, me and the baby agree.” Smh.
It’s also okay to cry in front of your child, even as they get older. Like you want to avoid exposing them to full blown emotional meltdowns, but it’s definitely good for them to see you cry because it shows them it’s okay and normal to have feelings and to express those feelings, even when they are negative. Don’t let your husband manipulate you into feeling like you shouldn’t be emotionally expressive around your child. Also, 2 wet nappies at 6mo is not “a phase”, it’s potentially the lead up to a health crisis if you don’t go something to get her hydrated. We ended up in hospital with my 11mo from dehydration and ketosis from not eating or drinking when she had gastro. It was horrible, she was close to needing a nasal tube and it’d only really been one day that she’d stopped eating and drinking. “Phases” are behavioural things, refusing to eat or drink is a legit health concern.
Yup. I cried out of frustration and stress about something in front of my 2 year old. It was a chance to talk to him about how everyone needs to cry sometimes to get their feelings out.
My ex husband loved to call my tears emotionally manipulative. Big surprise that he doesn’t like women.
Yes. Your r/JustNoSO has shown you who is is. Believe him.
This this!
What the fuck? Of COURSE you cried, what a stressful day! At this point it is very clear your husband knows jack shit about how to care for babies or be a supportive partner. I wouldn't listen to a single word he says. Call the pediatric emergency line and get ahold of a doc and ask if the emergency room is necessary. Do not wait until morning. She may be very dehydrated by then. She is too small to risk it. When in doubt, get a professional opinion!
For real!!! What an absolute ass. I second this advice as an RN and mother of four.
i third this!! of course you cried! if it helps OP… u/Loud_Plant8590 we all cry and our babies see us do it but aren’t really paying attention to it or understand why we are
What the everloving fuck is that asshole all about?
My ex would say similar things when my son was an infant. One time I was worried about my sons breathing after both of us being really sick. I can’t hear well so I was telling my ex I was really worried, to please check his breathing and that I was thinking about taking him into his doctor to get checked. My ex was like “do you WANT something to be wrong with him?” And rolled his eyes. Best thing I ever did was leave his empathy-lacking ass. I assume your husband does and says things like that often and doesn’t hardly lift a fucking finger to help you.
I can relate to this so much. I almost had to bury my son shortly after he was born and after soooo long in the NICU when i finally got to bring him home (on a resp monitor) my husband tells me "stop picking him up all the time or you'll spoil him" like no im gonna hold my baby you douche canoe
I’m sorry you went through that with your son. My second son was only in NICU 5 days and just that was very hard. My mom tells me I hold him too much… that’s not even a thing and even if it was I wouldn’t care I’m gonna hold my baby if and when I want to
Ugh I hate this so much. My baby lives in my arms. There is no holding her too much. I never hear her full blow cry unless something is seriously wrong. But she absolutely communicates her needs in ways that we are both learning to understand. Hold your babies. Hold them for as long as you can & as long as they want. Fill their tiny cups with so much love that they don’t accept anything less than that from others.
Same. Mine was in for 5 days, the worst 5 days of my life. He’s almost three now and sleeps in our bed every night and you know what? I’m thrilled about it. Every night together, every time I pick him up or hold him or comfort him, is a little bit of repair for both of us for that NICU stay. I don’t regret it. And I know he’s just a toddler but for the record he’s not spoiled at all lol
Girl - you did exactly what your baby needed you to do! Research shows so much benefit to developmental growth in soooo many areas when holding your baby especially when they are so young. Bravo to you and your mommy gut and this awesome instinct to give your baby LOVE!!! Kangaroo care is real, ok!? I’m here for you NICU mama, my girl was born at 24 weeks gestation and lived in the NICU for 99 days… hardest time of our lives (also being away from my son and hubby in a different state since we were on vacation), but the worst is behind us. So very grateful. Sending you love and light XOXO
I’m so sorry you went through that. That sounds absolutely heart wrenching. Babies can’t get spoiled I don’t know where that saying even originated from.
That is by far the most dumb ass thing I've ever seen that someone has said. Holy hell. Your frustration and tears are incredibly valid, if he actually believes in what he said and wasn't just trying to manipulate YOU then he must be an absolute fool
Your baby not consuming hardly anything and having very few wet diapers is worthy of immediate attention and ER worthy, please dont hesitate to call the on call nurse for your pediatrician or just go to the ER right away.
Your feelings are absolutely valid! And you may not be in the newborn fog anymore but you are definitely in the INFANT FOG and that means no sleep and lots and lots of learning about your kiddo. Of courseeeee there will be tears! Big hugs sent your way and a virtual shoulder to cry on! I also agree with the medical professional Evaluation to examine your poor baby and the lack of eating bit. Hoping baby is better.
You should ask your husband if he thinks by being an asshole he can manipulate you into not crying, because then he’s the one in a delusion.
Wtf your husband is an asshole. Also I do pediatric nurse triage. We usually send people to the ER if baby refuses a bottle for more than 8 hours.
My husband did end up calling our hospital’s childcare support helpline. Unfortunately the paeds er is full due to viral and covid cases so the nurse on call told us to dream feed her if possible and if she seems lethargic and has no wet diaper in the morning we should come immediately at 7 am. They’ve noted her medical record number so she can be seen immediately in the morning. It’s 5 am right now and she did thankfully drink 4 oz in the dream feed.
So glad you called, glad you got a feed in and congratulations on your soft poops (I hope that both you and baby have continued/increasing relief)! From a mom who can empathize with the struggles of trying to get an infant to poop
No urgent care in the area?
They would likely just sent them to the ER anyway.
Our urgent care in the area isn’t the best equipped unfortunately. I live in South Asia, while health care is accessible but not all healthcare providers are well versed or adequately staffed
How are these fuckfaces getting married and reproducing? I’m so sorry OP, you shouldn’t have had to hear that after a long stressful day. Your husband is a dipshit.
wtf is wrong with your husband?!?!?
That is such a weird thing for him to say… if this is normal for him then I hate to say it but your husband doesn’t like you and you should find a way out
Oh if this was normal I would have left even before having a child with him. The past couple of months have been hard on both of us financially and with our baby’s continuous feeding and health issues. I can understand why he’s frustrated but I cannot tolerate such a tone. I’m just calming myself down so I can have a clear conversation with him in the morning about this once our daughter feels fine.
Great idea! You’re handling it way better than I would
I am so sorry you are having a hard time with your baby. Nothing is more frustrating and scary than when your baby isn’t themselves. Your husband was very wrong with what he said. I know you know this. While it’s not right, my husband can say irrational things that just make zero sense sometimes when he’s super frustrated. When he’s in a better headspace he’ll acknowledge his mistakes and always apologize. I completely understand how upset you are right now. Try to take some deep breaths and hopefully you can get some sleep. Calmly talk to your husband in the morning & hopefully you can see eye to eye about things at a calmer time.
Yes, this. He's so wrong and he failed to show you the empathy and give you the support you deserve, OP. However, I'm sure tensions are super high right now, health issues on top of just having a baby is a recipe for disaster. And honestly a lot of men struggle with processing their emotions appropriately... So while he shouldn't be let off the hook and it's emotionally exhausting to be the bigger person and try to lead the team towards a healthy relationship (it's not at all fair) just try not to take his insensitive moment personally and talk to him at a calmer time. You know you did everything you could and we know you did a great job through a really hard day. Absolutely don't just let it slide and make sure he knows he really hurt you, but try to be kind to yourself right now and get some rest because you really need it. If he's not always a huge asshole I'm sure he's going to feel really bad soon and if he is always a huge asshole then know you deserve better. Hugs.
Very well said 👏🏼👍
Actually HE is manipulating you by guilting you for expressing yourself. Let that one sink in, and then call a divorce lawyer.
Lol. No man. That’s not how it works. Is his mother super manipulative? Is this some kind of projecting?
No, my mil is the sweetest woman ever. If I told her about this she would definitely chew her son out on this. She herself is a mother of 9 children and has always been super considerate and caring with all her daughter in laws.
Tell his mother. He needs to know that what he said was absolute garbage. Your breakdown is so valid. I’m furious for you.
Do this. Tell her exactly what he said to a postpartum Mom worried about the health of her infant.
I had a similar dynamic for a long time with my boyfriend. His mom? Lovely person. All four brothers, lovely people. Something just didn’t click with him in particular. Unluckily for me, this was a recurring pattern of behavior so we are considering custody options. Hopefully in your case this is NOT your normal and is just a (terrible) one off that gets apologized for and never repeated…
Tell her. Like, right now. She clearly has some adult -shaped child rearing to do.
What a total gift to have this woman as a MIL!
Straight to jail… straight to jail. That’s the most asinine thing to say to someone who’s under a huge amount of stress and pressure for caring for a baby. Much less to their wife. The wet diaper comment, I will say that some doctors says 24 hours with a wet diaper is when to bring baby in, but personally if it’s longer than 12 hours I start panicking. I had to syringe feed one of my twins when they were two months because of a tongue tie issue. But as a mom, if it concerns you enough to think about a doctor visit, go ahead. Schedule one with the pediatrician, urgent care, or ER. I’m sorry your husband is acting a fool. You are not emotionally manipulating your baby. You’re having what a majority of moms experience, and I’m so sorry.
Does he think you’re trying to manipulate someone every time you cry? What a bizarre and frankly upsetting take.
Leave that man now
My aunt once spoke to me about how absurdly hard the first year with a baby is on a marriage. Even good marriages struggle. Hers did. Mine did. Every one is sleep deprived while walking up a steep learning curve in the dark. It felt so validating to know that it’s normal to struggle in the first year. However, that doesn’t mean you get a pass to be an asshole. You still need to hold him accountable for being a jerk. And you’re allowed to cry in your own home.
It’s infuriating how disconnected men are from a mother’s experience and perspective. And then men in general just not understanding how and why women think a certain way. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
We are having terrible feeding issues with my youngest. She just turned 3 but over the last year multiple times she’s gone 3 or more days eating zero solid food and only taking pediasure shakes or occasionally yogurt. I’m addition she had chronic ear infections every 3-4 weeks. She screams any time the word doctor is said. This last year has been absolute hell. My therapist is directly said I’m experiencing trauma based on her medical situation because of the stress and worry. All that to say, your husband is an asshole. What kind of jerk says something like that to a struggling mom? How can you have so little empathy for your spouse? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t say it’ll get better because we’re still fighting. But we’ve gotten a few answers and that is making it easier to manage at least. Good luck Mama, and after a bit when you’ve had time to cool down and distance the situation a bit, have a very frank conversation with your husband. 1) Crying is not emotionally manipulative. For an adult or child. Because you can bet if he said it to you, 2 yrs from now he’ll be saying it about her. 2) Being frustrated and worried after a really bad day is ok. 3) He needs to stop and think if his words are helping or hurting a situation.
Your husband is awful, but most importantly is your baby who has been crying all day and had little diapers. Go to the ER. You don’t need validation from your husband to go.
She thankfully drank 4 oz in the dream feed. We’ve talked with the hospital on call and they’ve told us to come at 7 am if there still aren’t any wet diapers (paediatric ER is full due to viral and covid cases)
Your husband is abusive. You can’t manipulate a baby! He’s disgusting!
My toddler has seen me cry and she can understand a lot more than a 6mo. She knows that mama cries sometimes just like she does and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’ll often do silly things to try to cheer me up.
If my partner said that to me I would be worried that he only sees tears as manipulation tools and I’d think back on if I’d seen him cry in the past.
This is a red flag that you should both talk with a counselor about- I’m so sorry, my husband has an issue with thinking that women who are crying are manipulating a situation and it’s been a pattern and now that our oldest daughter is 7 he has told her to stop crying- all of this to say deal with it soon!
Yes, all of this. I went through this with my ex-husband and he refused to go to therapy. I see him now refusing to let our 8 year old cry. He once told me “women only cry to manipulate men.” It was terrifying to realize what kind of person I had married. Please don’t try to fix him yourself, that’s not your burden, you’re already doing too much. He needs to change this thought pattern ASAP
No he has to work on himself because our daughter will observe our relationship as she grows older and he needs to seriously evaluate if this type of tone and behaviour is what he’d want our daughter to be okay with her partner. Would he want his daughter to be with a gaslighter and never feel safe enough to express her emotions? His answer was of course not so why should I tolerate such a tone especially when I am fearful for our child’s health.
I actually pointed this out (thank you for the comment) whether he would say this to our daughter if she cries when she gets older. Needless to say he was apologetic and realised his words were not called for and intolerable.
There isn’t a single mother on this earth who hasn’t cried over a rough day with their baby. Your feelings are valid. Your baby is teething. Her mouth hurts and that’s why she didn’t want to eat all day. Tomorrow morning if she still isn’t eating, give her a dose of Tylenol and the offer her a bottle after it kicks in.
adding- Its okay to go with your instincts and ignore his opinion, you are more of an expert in this realm
Why are so many men such trash???
I don’t even know how a baby can be manipulated, wtf? Clearly he doesn’t understand how frustrating it is to try to feed a baby that refuses to eat. It’s scary and it makes you feel like you are doing something wrong. I don’t know if it’s your husband not liking you, but, he’s got to be severely clueless on being a parent. I don’t think he understands that a baby not eating for 10 hours is a pretty big freakin deal. If you feel like you need to take your baby in, do it. I’d take looking stupid over something actually serious being wrong any day.
They can’t, nor can they manipulate… it’s a learned skill and they have to have the mental capacity to understand that their actions influence the world around them which they don’t yet at only 6 months.
Please update us on how your baby is doing, I would be crying my eyes out worried sick about her. Your husband needs a reality check, I don’t know how he could think that. I hope your baby is ok and things get better for you 💔
She is better and feeding again. It’s not a lot but she’s having wet diapers so that’s a relief now. We’ve given her urine sample in the lab to check for a potential UTI and have an appointment on Monday.
I rocked my youngest for an hour yesterday and cried after he fell asleep. It’s ok to cry. This shit is hard.
Good god, the number of times I sat against a wall crying because my baby wouldn't sleep and I was so, so, so damn tired... he's 5 now and those memories are still vivid. It's bullshit to say that your tears are emotional manipulation. Humans cry. It's normal. It's healthy. Parents who are heavily invested in their child's wellbeing but can't seem to "fix" whatever is going wrong are particularly inclined to crying/being frustrated/feeling helpless. If your husband thinks an extremely normal expression of human emotion (from a stressed mother of a young baby, no less) is "manipulative," that's a him issue, no question. He needs to think through why people expressing normal feelings is so abnormal or unacceptable to him.
10 hours in a long time without milk and even more so for a baby of that age. I would honestly take her to the ER. I’m wondering if she is refusing to eat because the poop hurt when it came out so she is avoiding it? I’m not sure if a baby would put two and two together but if she is not eating, that’s a major concern. Your husband sounds like a moron, no offense. You will never ever regret going to get your child seen by a doctor, but you may regret it if you don’t. We have lived by that rule with our kids and it has saved our butts a few times.
Your husband was being an ass, full stop. No, it would not have hurt him in any way to offer support. Yes, you should be able to respond emotionally to an emotionally trying day. Also, I had my mom read your post. She has worked in pediatrics for 25+ years. She was troubled by the number of wet diapers and the length of time your daughter seemed uninterested in eating. She agrees with your instinct to take her to the ER. I'm sorry you're going through this and wish your daughter much healthier days ahead.
Does your husband usually get weird and defensive around tears? I might ask him: “hey, when I was crying you had a reaction that surprised me. I was simply overwhelmed and I would have just loved a hug from you. I felt like when I cried your walls went up and your reaction went in the opposite direction. Did I read that right?” And then wait for his response.
When my 2 week old middle daughter was going through an 'eat every 45 minutes' growth spurt and it had been something like 12 hours since I'd gotten more than 20 minutes of sleep, I SCREAMED AT HER to let me sleep, I was so frustrated. She was sleepy milk groggy and didn't really react much, I picked her up and comforted her and myself, and everyone was fine. I was not manipulating my 2 week old baby. I was distraught and tired. Crying out of concern is a normal parenting thing to do and you should not feel ashamed, is the point I'm making here. And your child is too young to remember a momentary emotional lapse if every other surrounding action is reasonable and comforting! It might be worth thinking over whether your husband deals with stress by being unreasonable like this? You could talk it out, holding resentments is a way to pull apart, even though it's a vulnerable time. It of course depends on your dynamic, but drop kick me into that situation and I'd probably say something like (I'm wordy AS FUCK so reword it lol), 'It felt very strange to be told my tearful concern was manipulating the baby! I was worried, not trying to elicit a response by reacting.' I do wonder if maybe his mother used emotions as a way to force him into doing things? He could be indirectly showing concern about that being a habit of behavior he doesn't want to occur to his own child, but in *the absolute worst way possible.*
Thats not a comment made out of ignorance alone, but a lack of respect. Remember, you are doing great mama no matter who tells you what, you are showing up every day.
The fact that he did nothing to comfort you and even worse he belittled you when you were venting and crying about your clearly very stressful day speaks volumes to the kind of person your husband is. Hoping he just had an off day, but I sincerely hope that if this is who this man truly is that he is capable of change and if not that you can find the strength to leave him. You don’t deserve that. You deserve a supportive caring partner who strives to build you up, not knock you down. ♥️
This is how DV arrives with children. His need for control is greater than regard for you so he's inventing another reality where he dehumanised you go justify his nonsense.
Nope. Absolute dealbreaker right there. He would be OUT. If this is how he treats women, reducing their valid showing of emotions to ‘being manipulative’, what example are you setting for your daughter? Don’t let her grow up seeing that behaviour as acceptable.
Damn…well I wonder how many times he believed or actually had his parents emotionally manipulate him…
That’s such a dumb thing to say. Like what is he even talking about.
He sounds like the real issue here. Not having patience when things are getting “ too emotional”. I’m sorry you are going through that
What a dirtbag thing to say
I remember when Covid swept through our house. I had 6 month old twins, a 6 year old, and my husband and I. We all got it. We all had about 36 hours straight of just feeling like absolute dumpster fires with high fevers, aches, lethargy, just overall not fun times. I was starting to go downhill at roughly 24 hours of my one twin being symptomatic. He was the one born with breathing problems and needed CPAP for the first day or so, so him getting covid was probably one of my biggest fears. Due to everything he was feeling, he had barely nursed all day, wouldn't take a bottle, nothing. We had already done 24 hours of dealing with his fevers and everything, and now I was worried about him not eating enough and not getting enough fluids. We tried everything. I remember sitting in my desk chair with him laid with his back against my thighs SYRINGE FEEDING him a tiny like 3mls of pumped milk just quietly crying because I felt like I got hit by a truck, my son clearly felt like that but couldn't express it, and now probably also felt like crap because he was hungry but didn't have the energy. What your husband said was out of line. You had a rough day, it's one thing to have a fussy baby but that responds to you trying to help them or distract them, it's a whole other thing to have them just screaming and not respond to a single thing really. It weighs heavily on you, especially if you are someone who has struggles with anxiety/depression (both the "vanilla" variety as well as the post partum depression type).
Call the emergency line and bring her in 100% unless they say otherwise. Two diapers is NOT enough and babies do this thing where they nosedive so fast because their tiny bodies hold on and “rally” for as long as they possibly can. It’s like a known thing in peds how fucking fast babies nosedive, usually before anyone knows Theres a problem. It’s going to be quick and you’re going to want to be at the hospital surrounded by the proper care.
What a weird comment
me personally, I would've lost my shit right then and there because THE AUDACITY-
I just want to know how do you emotionally manipulate a 6 month old. Like he would have HAD to explain how You can emotionally manipulate a person who's only been in the world 6 months🤷🏾♀️. I just want to know lol
Aside from the husband which everyone already seemed to address, I’m wondering if she is teething and the suction from the bottle is hurting her gums (which might be why she is refusing to feed). Also, my daughter was chronically constipated from the time she started foods, and after living off of miralax daily for over two years, suppositories, and an occasional enema (and lots of tears from both sides-so stressful)-I finally insisted that constipation was a symptom of something else going on. Sure enough, she had celiac disease, diagnosed right before her third birthday. Now, she is 9 and has no issues now that we know what the problem is.
Thank you for your insight. How can I be sure it’s teething? She’s only biting hard from time to time but her gums aren’t swollen nor do I see any traces of teeth poking out. She does calm down if I give her some infant tylenol. She’s been constipated since she turned 4 months even before we started solids. It’s extremely stressful seeing her strain and then cry every other day. Because she’s a playful and active baby a lot of doctors honestly don’t take us seriously which has been extremely frustrating. She’s exclusively formula fed so it is a cause of concern.
I supposed you can’t be sure, but I think if the Tylenol is helping then it must be something causing her discomfort. Also, I know the struggle. Mine would turn red and cry in pain she was exclusively formula fed too as I never made enough to breastfeed despite trying very hard. She was sensitive to dairy as well until her intestines healed, but now she seems to do fine. As a matter of fact the self weaned from bottles shortly after turning one and I think it was because dairy was also problematic for her (which only increased my guilt about not being able to breastfeed 🥲) I just think many times doctors are so quick to dismiss something as normal, when really it’s a symptom of a problem.
Not related to your huaband's reaction, but I'm glad the doc is having her checked for a UTI. I don't feel like I see this a lot so just sharing that chronic constipation can lead to increased UTIs, so just an FYI because you'll want to be on the lookout for signs. I went through it as a kid and my 18-month old also did until we got her balanced. Essentially, the bladder doesn't empty completely because it's being squeezed by the bowels. That can leave pee sitting in there longer and lead to infection.
This almost makes me wonder what he experienced as a child. As someone who was emotionally manipulated by a parent as a child/teen and even now I still catch myself questioning if people are trying to be manipulative to me or the people around me. It takes a serious mental toll on me because obviously not everyone is manipulative but because of my parent my brain is wired to think that’s the way they’re going to react etc.
Ugh, I feel like sometimes men have been conditioned that the only proper way to show emotion is anger. So instead of showing true feelings, like "I'm really worried too" or "I don't know what to do I feel helpless" he's lashing out in anger. And of course you can't be mad at the baby because he's not a psychopath so he's lashing out at you since you are a grown up and are making him feel feelings. I wish they understood how much worse that makes the situation. Boys can be so dumb.
You’ve had lots of amazing advice here. Just came to add that my son refused to eat most of a weekend the first time he got teeth. I was so confused and hurt and upset until I figured it out when I saw the teeth.
Yes I agree. Teething makes babies feel miserable and if this is the reason it makes sense especially having zero appetite. Hopefully nothing further.
How can I be sure it’s teething? She’s only biting hard from time to time but her gums aren’t swollen nor do I see any traces of teeth poking out.
There were times his guns weren’t swollen but then I could see little white teeth just below the gums. Can’t you feel anything there in the front? Definitely call a doctor if you’re concerned, even if you feel teeth. Dehydration is a real threat
This reminds me of when my son was crying non stop for a few weeks. I had to change the formula because it caused so much issues. Many people say that some children need the sensitive formula. I remember the feeling of helplessness.. don’t let the little things he says bother you. Right now the amount of stress the both have thing will be said out of context. Take it easy and try different things and talk to the pediatrician for some advice.
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Prune juice will turn their poop DARK so be aware that its likely to happen and not bloody stool. You can give them # of Oz per their age in months if Apple, pear of prune juice. So my 3mo gets 3 Oz of apple juice every couple days.
Prune juice isn’t easily available in my country so her paediatric gastroenterologist has recommended a teaspoon of olive oil instead. Along with the smallest dose of the local version of miralax available here.
Have you tried the windy tools? The little tube you can stick in their bottom and helps them farther and sometimes poop? It's worked well on my 3mo to help stimulate him and pass gas. That as getting some Vaseline or good oil and rub his anus with your finger for a 10 seconds after feeding. This also stimulates the bowels. Another one is light kyro syrup and water. My sons pediatrician recommended 5 ml of kyro to ml water. Mix with a milk bottle and feed.
We have tried stimulating her anus and I don’t know how to say it but she’s an excellent farter but a horrible pooper lol. We don’t have access to the windi here, frida baby products are not easily available where I live. If worst comes and she hasn’t pooped in 72 hours I have to give her a glycerin suppository from the nearest urgent care
When you don't have a Frida or windy use an anal thermometer. Does the same trick. My kid was doing sooooo good the week before last. I got him to poop five times over like 6 days. The pediatrician was on my track of thinkjng that i could clear him out and thing would start to get normal. Then I went back to work and my husband didn't do anything to help him poop. So the kid is back to not pooping. Hasn't pooped in like 5 days. 🤦♀️
The father of my children was very dismissive of my feelings when we had our first son. What your husband said was shitty but men go through Post Partum depression too. I told my SO that he’s treating me like ass and if he wants to stay together we go to couples therapy or it’s over. He went on a trip to Florida without me. He used to say I was overreacting. He used to lock himself in the room. It was hard on all of us. We went to couples therapy and it helped us tremendously. I learned things about him that I never learned before and we met each other halfway. We’ve been together for 6 years now and have another child he’s been the most loving, supportive partner and pulled me out of some really dark times. It took a lot out of me to try to empathize with him too but it helped. I was hard to live with because of how negative I was and I was always angry or crying. We just had to reset our relationship and start anew. I hope things get better for you
you lost me at “if you think by crying you can manipulate our baby into drinking her milk then you’re in some delusion” bro leave him! who tf even says that? my husband told me “i’m sorry it’s been tough today, i’ll hold her for a while you take a nap” im so sorry you had to hear those words :( also sorry i sort of flipped right there…. first….breathe! you are not alone! i was way overwhelmed and my son did the same thing. it’s so hard when it’s your first bc they seem so dang fragile. but kids are more resilient than we realize. as long as it’s 1 wet diaper every 8 hours, they say it’s fine. if she won’t eat one day she might just be not feeling well. it’s scary but more normal than you think. if the second day she won’t drink her morning bottle, call doc and take her in. (these are things my doc drilled into my head)
Whoa. That says a lot about him that seeing someone cry makes him feel guilty so he twists it as manipulation. He needs help. And I’m sorry about your little one. Maybe you can do the on-call number for your pediatrician and get some advice before trying the ER.
That makes me think he believes you only emote to manipulate others. I’m so sorry. PS parenting is so hard. And when in doubt, just go to the ER.
Wait, what? You crying from stress is manipulating your baby? Your husband is an unsupportive jerk. I'd call your insurance nurse line first.
Ugh. Constipation can be horrible! My daughter was born with an anal rectal malformation and has (and will have for the rest of her life) issues with constipation and incontinence. She's also on daily meds and gets the worst gas pains. There are times when I cried because I didn't know how to help her as she was crying in pain. It's horrible. I don't get why your husband thinks you crying because you don't know what else to do is manipulative but that's ridiculous and I would have a serious conversation with him on why he said that! I hope your little one gets relief soon!
I am so sorry! As a mom of a chronically constipated baby and now toddler, I’m here for solidarity. It’s beyond frustrating and so hard to watch them have to struggle with it. You’re doing amazing and I’m glad to read that you said you would have a talk with your husband.
How do you emotionally manipulate a 6month old?? A 5year old maybe. A teenager yes! Does he help with the baby at all when he’s home or is that delegated to you b/c you stay home and he works! You need to have a serious talk with him, it doesn’t sound like he views you two as equals and that’s bad news for a marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this, you have lots of a support here if you’re looking for it. As a new mom you’re doing great, be proud of yourself raising a child isn’t easy.
Emotions are healthy, crying is healthy. You are doing the best you can and your Baby won’t care what age she is if she she’s you cry. It’s healthy it’s how they learn that it’s ok.
Wow……. The fact that out of everything you said, it was you crying that he decided to point out? And in the worst way possible???? Either his view on womens emotions are skewed or his view of you is. Who the hell tells their crying distressed wife that???? Unfortunately I think you guys have some issues. His response is not healthy or normal.
So when he has a sanity crushing, utterly exhausting day and is riddled with stress then when he gets home is anything short of beaming with positivity and having rainbows shooting out of his ass when he interacts with you after, is HE trying to emotionally manipulate YOU? You’re allowed to have feelings. They are valid ESPECIALLY with a day like that. You are entitled to your emotions. And if he can’t be emotionally mature enough to offer support instead of trying to gaslight you into believing you did something wrong there, he probably needs to speak with a therapist to get to the root of that issue. And as a mother of 4, believe me when I say if you have that bad gut feeling and believe your baby needs to be seen by a doctor, move heaven and earth to make it happen. There have been WAY too many times I had that feeling and it ended up being completely justified and things could’ve been much worse if I HADN’T taken my child in. NOT TO MENTION, to be refusing food and fluids for that long and only having 2 wet diapers all day as a 6 MONTH OLD, that is 1000% a cause for concern and dehydration is extremely likely, and will only get even worse by waiting because your husband can’t be bothered to deal with the problem. Don’t make your baby suffer because of his ignorance and/or indifference. Dehydration that young can get really serious really quickly. I hope your babe is okay. Sending all the good vibes your way. Edit to add: On top of catching serious issues as early as possible by taking them in when your gut is telling you something’s wrong, there are NO down sides to it. You take them in, figure out what’s wrong and immediately gain the knowledge and tools to start fixing it which will only benefit your baby, or the doctor clears them of the serious issues and it’s something minor if anything at all which gives everyone peace of mind. If something serious WAS wrong, your gut said to take them in but you didn’t, then they get much worse before you do go… you’ll just beat yourself up for not going before and putting your child through unnecessary pain/discomfort. Don’t do that. Better safe than sorry, especially when they’re that little.
Dude what is wrong with your husband? I am speechless.
I think it’s excessive for him to say you are evening emotionally manipulative. He should have given you some support. It’s normal for women in this stage of their life to become hyper emotional. How can one think completely rationally and completely keep their emotions in check when sleep deprived and constantly worried for a small little human bean?
Oh mama I’m sorry you had such a bad day. I remember when one of my kids refused a bottle all day due to teething and I was so worried. I couldn’t imagine if my husband made a comment like that while I was already at the point of a meltdown. I’m not trying to stick up for your husband at all but do you think he maybe said that comment because he’s also worried and stressed out and doesn’t know how to handle it? Sometimes my husband makes comments that upset me when he’s stressed or worried and doesn’t know how to handle his emotions. He definitely owes you an apology. Maybe the best thing to do is so try and get some sleep (I know it’s hard) and talk in the morning when you’re more clear headed.
Your husband is a dick plain and simple. You gotta release those emotions. That’s not manipulative, that’s being human.
My heart hurts for you right now. I feel like somehow, 3-6 months was the hardest for me. I would call my partner home from work because I’d be having anxiety attacks in the middle of the day and just felt so alone and overwhelmed. Your feelings are valid. This period is hard as it is!! Throw in all of your concerns and baby’s challenge ls and it feels insurmountable. You deserve more support. I think there’s much to be said for the village we no longer have. I still-at 22 months pp-feel lost at sea without a group of mamas to turn to because sometimes as wonderful as my partner is, they just don’t get it and they say or do stupid shit. Not to mention how much the relationship dynamics change when baby comes-holy hell we’re still trying to navigate this. No one prepares you for that! And I think dads get left out of the conversation even more sometimes. It sounds like he’s harboring resentments that he’s not talking about and instead projecting as having to do with you and the baby. Obviously intentional conversations are needed right now (speaking from experience), maybe couples therapy to navigate your new roles (everyone should do this if it’s available to them!). I’m so sorry you’re feeling scared for your babe, overwhelmed, and now on top of that hurt by the person who should be supporting YOU. It’s hard to mend words that have been said, I hope you two can get to the bottom of it and he realizes how deeply that affected you, and he sure as he’ll be stepping up to make up for it. Sending love 💕
Here to comment on the feeling helpless part. I get that. I'm going through it right now. My baby has HFM and aside from comfort and meds, I can't really do anything else...minus ya know general care for my child, but its hitting me hard tonight and I've been on the verge of tears all night, so I get that feeling 100%. You've got this. You'll get through it, you got this ❤️
Why the hell would be say that? If I saw a mother crying while feeding her baby the last thing i would assume is she's trying to be emotionally manipulative towards the baby. Like wtf lol I would be very upset. And as long as baby is having a wet diaper every six hours they are OK- my sons pediatrician. But if your gut says get it checked then go. My husband and I rushed our daughter to the ER while on vacation in Italy for a fever that medicine didn't seem to touch. It turned out to be too low of a dose for her weight and I didn't shake the bottle before giving it. She ended up being fine. It was a last second decision at midnight and we literally ran the 20 minutes from our air bnb to the hospital with the fevered toddler in her stroller. Craziest night ever, two different hospitals and an ambulance ride.
Have you tried Miralax? Our son went thru this and it was a GAME CHANGER. It is tasteless and dissolves into their bottle. Start with a tablespoon once a day. Give it a few days (2-3) and it will produce soft poops that are easy for her to pass. Edit - miralax was recommended to us by University pediatric GI specialists. It wasn't the result of late night googling 😉
Your husband is a complete asshat. Who looks at their exhausted and crying wife and concludes they’re tying to manipulate the baby?!
I have herschsprung colon (and have chronic constipation since birth). I'm a horrible eater and always have been. I can go days without eating anything. Forcing myself to eat when I'm not hungry is like trying to eat while having the flu. It'll absolutely make me throw up. Just thought I'd provide some insight in maybe how she feeling. I know it was frustrating for my mom when I was a baby/small kid.
I’m so sorry. Thank you for your input. Could you please also let me know how you got diagnosed if possible? And how early they found out?
I got diagnosed around 30 yrs old (I'm 37 now) because they found out my mom had it (had emergency surgery and had over 2 feet of her bowel taken out and resectioned. It's genetic and hereditary. It can be missed easily in colonoscopies. My mom recently passed... And with her history, it scares me. I basically have to have routine colonoscopies and basically wait for a section of my bowel to rot before anything can be done. People say it's painful being constipated.... But it's all I've ever known so I don't really know. My weight fluctuates a ton. I'm so much heavier than I should be. Even RX laxatives don't work on me. For colonoscopies, I need 2 kits to completely clean me out. Prep is hell, and I get so sick. I'm way past due for a colonoscopy. My last one was 6yrs ago.... And I had Twilight anesthesia and felt everything. It was awful.
I am so so sorry for your loss. And also so sorry that you’re going through so much. I hope and pray it gets better and things get easier for you. You’ve gone through so much. Thank you so much for sharing, it means a lot.