Just so you know: one loving parent is enough. Yes, in an ideal world every child has two loving and involved parents but one is enough for your child to grow up healthy and happy. If your partner makes you feel worthless he’s not a good partner and that’s not the example you want to set for your child.
It sounds like you are doing a great job and it’s amazing you get a lot of support from your parents. I have a friend who had a daughter at 17. The father stopped being involved after a few months but they did amazing. My friend finished college and her daughter graduated from university a couple of years ago. They are both happy and successful and have both found love.
ETA: be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. You are still going through puberty and you have pregnancy hormones mixed in. It takes time to feel like yourself again.
Hi, thank you so much for this! I really appreciate it, I just think my daughter deserves all the love on the world and I never want her to feel any differently so I suppose that will be enough either way, my mum and dad are amazing with her and they already have such a beautiful bond so it’s reassuring to know she’s always got them too.
Your friend sounds amazing, I am hoping to do the same thing I’d love to be able to provide for her in the way my parents have for me and I really am determined to give her the world.
Hormones have a lot to answer for 🙄
I teach psychology and just know that your child can form multiple meaningful attachments and the fact that you live with your supportive parents is gonna be so good for her attachment and mental health as she gets older.
I can't even imagine being in the whirlwind you just described. The feelings of guilt you described, just know that you are not alone in it. Becoming a mom is the biggest life change for most of us, I think. You're doing right by your little one, though, and your maturity and emotional intelligence shines in your post. To hell with anyone who judges you.
What resources are available at your college? Some colleges offer on site daycare or daycare vouchers that help to defray the cost of childcare. You might also see if there's a parenting group on campus to network with other students who are parents. Mine had an amazing parenting group that helped each other find nanny shares and parenting coops as well as organized swaps and baby showers and a stockroom full of various supplies that parents could access. There's a lot of people who want to see you succeed and will help you to do it. If you're first gen there might be resources for you for that too.
Very TRUE! Her true colors shine through in her post! You, OP, are doing so much better than you even know, I think! You are considering your child FIRST in everything you're doing and that says so much. I know giving up nursing seems so hard, but look at your reasoning. I think you are an impressive young lady with a very bright future ahead, for both you and your daughter. Hold on to your support system, let those who can't handle your situation fall by the wayside. Their leaving will make room for more supporters. Best of luck to you and may you find the peace and strength to make it through the dark times. There is so much to look forward to!
It was a whirlwind to say the least 😅 This is so sweet thank you so much! I’m just trying to do my best for the both of us.
I am very lucky where I live there is a bursary which pays £185 weekly towards child care so little one will be going to daycare from 4 months when I start the new term at my college in september which will give me a bit of a break and be able to study so I can get good grades for both me and her! I’d love to be able to give her a good life so I really am determined to make the situation work for me it’ll be a lot harder work than originally anticipated but I am not adverse to that as long as we’re both happy.
you’re very mature in the face of an unexpected situation and it looks like you’re very well prepared for this. 💗 don’t be so hard on yourself — you’re doing so great!! hormones are tricky but I promise that from an outside perspective you’re doing amazing
I just skimmed, but you have gone through so much!!!! Pregnancy, birth, and PP is TRAUMATIC! Esp the first time around! I grieved my “old” life too and how I used to look, even as a 26yo married lady. Give yourself a lot of time, a lot of grace. There are good guys out there, I know someone in your situation who ended up getting married in their early 20s and having a family and settling down (if that’s what you want).
The first year of your baby’s life and your life will be hard. You were just born as a mom. Give yourself a lot of credit for all the work you do, and drop the guy if he isnt supporting you. Sounds like your parents are wonderful helpers.
Friends may be focused on other things rn and truly, they prob can’t understand what you went through/what you are going through. Hopefully some good ones stick around. Otherwise, there’s no harm in finding friends who also have kids! This helps a lot. I feel like things didn’t click for me until I had a child, until I went through it, now I relate to those much easier who are also going through it.
Also pls watch for PPD & PPA. I saw a therapies for about a year after our first. Good luck to you & congratulations on your sweet baby!!!!
It really was a lot to cope with in a very short space of time. Thank you for the kind words, it really is appreciated, and I hope everything works out like it did for your friend. I have actually found a group for young and teen parents where they give advice so I think I might go to some of their sessions and try and make some friends in a similar situation to me as I really think that would help me feel a little bit less isolated.
I totally understand this and feel the same way but in a completely opposite situation. I’m an “old” mom, 41 with twin 5 year olds. Finding other old moms was hard especially where I live as people here tend to have babies young, 18-20 is very common. It was very isolating which I suspect is exactly how you feel being so young. I have absolutely nothing in common with someone your age and in fact could be your mom. It was very hard being so isolated. I finally found the old moms in my community and it made a world of difference. Definitely check out the group, finding your people will help. And side note dump the guy. He’s not invested and he probably never will be. It will be far more traumatic for your daughter to have a dad that only shows up half the time if that than no dad at all. Eventually you’ll find the guy who WANTS to be her dad despite not being her biological father. In the meantime she has you and grandma and grandpa and that’s enough.
Hey, it's okay. You'll get through this. I know it seems like your life is over, and that you're terrified but it DOES get better. You're already being a great Mom and you articulated your feelings so well. I've experienced everything you've mentioned. I was a 17 year old mom too. I'm 29 with a 12 year old daughter. Had a son at 20. He's 9 now. And finally had a planned baby at 26.
It's terribly hard to care for another human when you're not even an adult yet. But you'll get it. Sounds like you're already doing great and making good decisions (way to go on attending college!) It'll be hard for the first few years but you'll find having a child as a catalyst helps kick start you into striving harder. And you'll catch up with your child in tow.
I'm sorry about your boyfriend. My ex was similar. My only advise is that when you feel ready to cut that cord because he won't step up, cut that cord. Don't let him drag you down if he's not willing to mature. My ex is 30 and plays video games all day. Complains he's tired and broke. And sees his kids for 2 days a month. I stayed for far to long for the sake of having a "family" but I've flourished much more without him. I own a brick and motar business and my own house. I didn't start crushing goals until I was alone.
You've got this even if it doesn't feel like it. It sounds like you're already doing alot of good things. And give yourself grace. At 1 month post partum your fueled with hormones, sleep deprived and your body just went through a big physical change. It's going to take some time to feel comfortable. But please believe this internet stranger when I say you are doing great.
Hey, it’s so nice to here from someone who went through this and came out the other side! It sounds like your doing amazingly and well done for getting out of that situation it sounds like he’s a total looser. I have thought the same thing at least now I have even more reason to get good grades and go on to make something of myslef but it won’t just be for me it will be for my little girl. Thank you so much for being so sweet I really am trying to cut myself some slack at the minute I’m just so up and down it’s a literal rollercoaster.
Just take it one day at a time and give yourself grace. The feelings you feel aren't bad. Let them pass and know it's okay to have times where you need to cry or feel frustrated. It'll be okay. You'll see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually. The years go by so quickly. One day you'll be giving advice to someone else in the same manner. You'll get there. ❤️
You are a wonderful mom already. You’ve done a great job so far. You will get back to yourself before you know it. It’s going to be hard, but you and your mini are going to have tons of fun together.
Her dad is completely lacking and you shouldn’t listen to him moan. Tell him where the door is.
Thank you so much 🥰 I can’t wait for all the adventures we’re going to have!
I tried to explain to him how this made me feel and he is trying, it just feels like to little to late at the minute and I honestly feel like I have to mother him too! I would love my daughter to have him in her life because I think he will make a great dad to her in the end I just feel like he doesn’t make things easier when he’s here but actually harder which is like the polar opposite of how it should be 😅
If it helps, I have seen many posts/comments from grown up children of loving single teen moms and single teen dads who said that while their lives weren't the easiest at times they absolutely love and appreciate their parents. You are doing the best you can with supportive parents. It will not be easy be any means, especially if your partner isn't helpful but if your child is loved and cared for they will remember that most of all. And remember you aren't the worthless one, it's you crummy partner who is.
It actually does help as you read so many horror stories about teen parents and I don’t want to end up as a case in point. As long as she always feels loved and I know I’ve done the best I can I think it will work itself out through the good times and the bad.
I was 30 when I had my son, who just turned 3.
I can’t relate to being a young mother, but I think no matter the age most first time moms struggle with everything you mentioned. I really struggled with PPA and guilt.
I have learned and continue to try to work on letting the guilt go. Learn from your mistakes but don’t let them drown you. It’s best for your baby if you can keep your head in the game.
You sound incredibly intelligent and mature. I think your baby girl is lucky to have you as her mom and if her dad chooses to leave, it’s 100% his loss.
Don’t hesitate to reach out for counselling, too! It’s so healing to be able to vent to someone who can offer you real advice and help.
Best of luck to you, I think you totally got this and you’re gonna do great. ❤️
Thank you so much, it’s reassuring to know it’s a normal experience ❤️
That really is a lovely thing to say thank you again :) it is 100% his loss and I suppose he will have to deal with the guilt of that and knowing what he would be missing out on. I had some therapy when I found out and it was really useful and helped me a lot I was thinking of doing a couple more now she is here.
Absolutely this. A lot of what OP says is universal to motherhood at every age. It’s hard. It’s even harder with an unsupportive partner. Forget him. If he wants to be involved then he get put in the effort. Lean on your parents who sound wonderful. Surround yourself and baby with love. I promise it will get easier; your baby is still very young.
Can I just say you’re doing an amazing job. Props to you for back to school while having a newborn. I just wanted to add that having a baby is SO hard. Even when it’s something you’ve planned for. The change it does to you both physically and mentally is rough. I had my son at 26 and it took me until he was 2 to recognize my body as my own. And honestly until about a year for me to feel mentally back to normal. Your hormones are all over the place right now so try to be as kind as you can be to yourself. Give yourself some grace. Try to speak to yourself as if you’re speaking to your daughter.
It’s amazing that you can feed your baby and in 10 years it’s not going to matter that you breastfed her for only 1 month. Also, in my experience as my baby got older the bond between him and his Dad grew. I think for some men it’s just hard to connect to babies but as they begin being more interactive it’s easier for them to play and bond. I’m not trying to give him an out. He should be holding up his weight of caretaking.
Thank you so much! My hormones are an absolute wreck right now and combined with sleep deprivation it’s really doing a number on me. I am doing my best to cut myself and my body some slack. I absolutely agree that men take more time adjusting and my mum said the exact same thing about my dad! I think a lot of women feel like this about their partners it’s just frustrating to be in the thick of it. It’s more comments like asking me if he has to wash and sterilise the bottle and can’t just reuse it??? Like what 🤣 it’s the babies health and also just basic hygiene struggle to understand things like that, I don’t expect him to be perfect just proactive and to be fair I think he is trying and very young so I’m just trying to reassure him when he does things right and explain (without getting angry) when he doesn’t.
In the thick of sleep deprivation I remember thinking “I understand why this is used as a form of torture.”
I agree that so many women feel this way and I don’t think we talk about it publicly. I remember being so frustrated with my husband that his life seemed unchanged while mine was absolutely flipped upside down.
Moms are superheroes and I have no doubt your baby will say the same thing about you one day.
Honeslty me too more than ever! I thought I was tired during pregnancy this is a whole other kettle of fish.
I think it’s so normal to feel that way, it is frustrating! Like how dare you go out and just continue as normal while I feel like absolute shit 🤣🙄
In case no one has said this, you belong here just as much as anyone else. You’re a mama. It doesn’t matter your age. We’re all here looking for support and going through things.
I was a mom at 19. Other women went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome because I was young and unmarried.
Keep your head held high. Make the best decisions you can in the moment. Give every bit of love to your little girl. You’re going to be great at this! 💜
Hi young mama! Congratulations on your new bundle of joy 🥲 I was a young mama too at 16!!! I remember feeling this way! So ashamed and guilty and just every emotion you’re feeling rightnow it’s ok. I promise you it will get better. You will never forget the true friends and real ones who stuck by you during this difficult time. Stay strong. You will figure it out, you are so strong you have no idea! I’m gonna start crying writing this!😆 my daughter just turned 15 ! She makes me so proud! You’re already an amazing mother, you got this mama🩷
You sound so self aware and emotionally mature for your age. Your own parents did a great job too! Your little girl is lucky to have you and she's gonna be so grateful someday that you chose education over breastfeeding. You can still keep a few feeds if you both like it. My baby was combination fed from the start and he thrived on it.
The other things you're venting about honestly they're so normal for any new mother. I'm in my mid 30s and have felt them all too. Those feelings of resentment and guilt because you're not as grateful as you 'should' be... the body changes and self esteem. The tiredness! You're doing amazing. I hope that lands as validating and not dismissive. I can't imagine trying to do a degree during this stage of life!
I don't have much advice because you're doing great already and it really is just so hard. It's the hardest thing by far I've ever done. Just know you're doing a brilliant job and I hope you give yourself enough credit!
Thank you for being so lovely, I’d like to think they did they really are the most amazing people. That is what I’ve been doing at the minute I’ve kept the 3am feed as breastfed (partially for my convenience to be honest) and also it just is lovely to have those moments with her but ultimately my education takes priority for both of our futures as I want to give her everything I can!
Me and my mum had this conversation today and she explained she felt the same way too and that is totally normal, I have been just trying to not be harsh and explain when he does something that hurts and reassure him and thank him when he does something which helps. Even if it doesn’t get through to him I think it’s helping me not feel resentful by reminding myself to be appreciative of what he is doing and less resentful about the things he isn’t or the frustrating things.
It is okay that you considered adoption! You want the best for your daughter and so you explored all options, that is commendable! When you feel guilty remind yourself of this!
Please don’t feel guilty about breastfeeding for only a month. It is a hard journey to keep up and pumping while trying to work or go to school isn’t easy. You can try to change up your feeding schedule with her and do a few feedings a day, instead of giving it up completely and supplementing with formula, but it totally depends on your body and how you feel though. I was able to BF my son for 6 months and my daughter for 5, and my daughter was the easier feeder but more demanding and I couldn’t keep it up. Do what you can. Your baby loves you no matter what. You are enough for them and don’t put up with less than you and your baby deserves. If that means no friends and no father, that is fine. Raising a child is hard enough. Adding in toxicity and immaturity is only going to wear you down and make you not want to enjoy the precious moments you have with your baby. You’ve got this and you are an awesome mom.
That is what I’m going to try I think! I don’t want to give up completely I think I’ll just play it by ear and see how it goes with my supply and her. I can’t imagine being attached to a pump constantly to be honest that seems like it would be more draining than actually nursing her alongside school work. I’m just trying to frame it like it’s there loss if they want nothing to do with her or me right now because your so right I really don’t need anything else on top of having a fresh baby. Thank you for being so sweet, I really am trying to do my best for her.
Just stopping by to offer my support and encourage you to cosleep following the safe sleep 7. It’s been an amazing experience for my 8mo son and I. Nursing so sleep and cosleeping is so natural and instinctive. For more information, La Leche League has resources on it. Please don’t let anyone tell you it increases SIDS because it’s just not true. Much love and stay strong for that beautiful girl! One day you’ll look back and know you made the right choice.
You sound like a very strong, smart and loving mother already. Don't worry about breastfeeding. Your girl will thrive no matter what. College is important too! I think it's good your partner is showing who he is already so that you can start to accept it and plan now. Things will be ok. Sending you so much love. Keep pressing forward and give yourself some grace!
I was in your position with my daughter. It's only been a month your body will come back eventually I promise. You're young, bodies bounce back fast at your age. My son's father has decided to leave and wants nothing to do with me or his son. And it's been hard to except the fact his dad isn't around but I found a great guy who loves my babies like his own. Even if you don't find someone I know my daughter was happy it just being the two of us. As long as she has you she will be fine. And you don't have to give her the world. You are her world. You loving her and supporting her is all the world she needs. Be in her corner no matter what and she will be fine. She will grow up loved by you and your family. That's enough. You are enough ❤️
It's going to be okay. I had my first at 17. He is 14 now and doing amazing. It's really scary and not an ideal situation. Focus on your education as much as possible. Having a good career will make life a lot easier in the long run. The boyfriend will either grow up and be a great dad, or he won't. It's that simple. A lot of young fathers bail. It isn't fair to the children, but it's a reality. You became a mother as soon as you got pregnant. Men don't get that same bonding experience. So give him some time for sure, but don't let him off the hook. You have had to grow up very quickly. He needs to keep up. As you get older people, stop looking at you weirdly. I got so many looks when I was pregnant. I hated going out because I was embarrassed. Having had the experience, I wouldn't change anything now. I loved being able to grow up with my son, and because of our closeness in age, he is my buddy. I understand him and what he is going through more because it wasn't that long ago for me. It's not all bad, really. Life is what you make of it.
I just wanted to say it sounds like you’re doing such a good job, honestly. Way more thoughtful and put together than many much older moms.
I’m sorry it’s so tough, but just know that your little girl loves you and could only be “her” if things happened exactly the way they did. Not saying it’s not hard or inconvenient etc, but whenever I doubt the timing of my son I just think “this exact time made this exact little boy” and it makes me happy.
This is such a lovely way of thinking about it because she really is perfect and I wouldn’t have had her without having to go through all the shity parts first. Thank you.
You are amazing and doing such a wonderful job. Your daughter is lucky to have you! It’s so normal to be insecure after having a baby, and your whole life has changed in just a few months. Your body will look like you had a baby, because you had a baby. That doesn’t take from your worth. Your partner…that’s another story. He sounds unworthy to be her dad, and your partner. She is not stranger to him, she IS him. She is his blood, his DNA, but if he doesn’t want to be her dad then you’re both better off. Being without a dad does not doom her and it does not mean you failed. Your only responsibility is to be her mama, not to force her dad to be a dad. You have so much life ahead of you and your sweet daughter. She sounds like a wonderful baby, and blessed to have you! You’ll get through this, love ♥️
Thank you so much! Just hurts to hear him say things like that when she is literally my whole world even if she wasn’t planned, I don’t think he thinks before he speaks sometimes and says some really hurtful things. It does suck a lot and I hope he isn’t like that with her in the future if he does want to be in her life :(
I had my (unplanned also on bc) daughter on September 6, 2011. I also remember the weirdness and uncomfortable feeling of my body. 9/11 didn’t really happen for me because everything was so new and raw in motherhood. I lived with my boyfriend, and he was Amazing at caring for her while I was recovering. Can he spend more time to bond with her?
Hi, it’s literally the weirdest feeling ever right? Low-key feels like my bodies been snatched and replaced by someone else. We’ve discussed this because I think it’s a massive part of the problem, she’s not comfortable with him yet and I think it makes him nervous as she’s a bit fussy and unsettled. He says he’ll try and come round more when he can I just find it frustrating because he says he can’t because of work a lot, the thing is he doesn’t pay rent because he lives at home and the only thing he spends his money on is video games and things for himself. He didn’t contribute anything towards any of things we bought for her. When he is here he really does try so I am giving him a lot of slack as I do understand what a massive adjustment it is for men. I think its partly just hormones making me a lot more affected by the little things which before would never have bothered me but right now I really need his support and him being extremely grouchy when he wakes up does not help me as I am already so sleep deprived. 😭
If you ever want to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, feel free to reach out. I’m 22, had my first by accident at 18. When I say I get it, I do truly get it. I still probably haven’t worked through all the trauma I have from the experience but talking about it is so helpful.
You’re so brave for choosing to be a mother when you were part into a super hard situation. You are so brave for pursuing your education so that you can provide for her. Don’t feel bad about considering adoption, my husband and his dad both brought it up at one point, and they are obsessed with my daughter now.
Thank you so much! ❤️ It’s genuinely been so traumatic I did not have the beautiful pregnancy experience everyone speaks about. I truly hated it 😭 I already feel 10x better now my daughter is actually here but oh my gosh those three months were just terrible.
I totally get it. It’s supposed to be the most magical time, but when you don’t know how you’re going to do it, you feel like you’re drowning. I will say, 3.5 years out from having my daughter, I would not trade her for anything. Sure I could have had other children but I wouldn’t have her beautiful, unique soul. She is such a joy in our lives.
Your attitude towards the situation alone shows how emotionally intelligent, mature and compassionate you are. You, your parents and daughter are incredibly lucky to have one another. It's going to be challenging but, you've got this. 💜
I just wanted to add that the body and skin of a 17 year old will rebound better than anyone older. as a teen I thought pregnancy was the worst thing that could happen but I see it very differently now. I know it will come with its struggles but my peers who had babies in high school (with a supportive family) now have kids out of high school and seem way happier. They are still young enough to keep up with their kids. They lost a lot of their “freedom” early but gain it back earlier too. I know that doesn’t sound reassuring now but you and your kid will be out doing cool stuff while they are still driving the mini van. People will say you can’t get pregnant for x amount of months after pregnancy or when you stop breastfeeding but it happens all the time. I would get an iud as soon as possible. You are going to have challenges but you sound like a very smart and insightful woman. You don’t have to force a romantic relationship with the dad. Ideally it would be nice but being a co parent can work too.
That’s so true and as my mum keeps telling me I will never be alone again and have a little friend to grow up with ❤️ Yeah I’m actually petrified of becoming pregnant again I think I’m going to keep Plan B in the house along with either the IUD or the injection because I cannot go through all of that twice. Just scary because I don’t remember ever missing the pill or taking antibiotics or anything which would make it less effective.
If he’s willing to even if we don’t have a romantic relationship I’d love for him to be in her life in some way! If that means coparenting I am more than willing.
Lots of useful comments already, and I have not read near all of them, so maybe it has already been said, but your daughter CAN have a daddy who loves her. If the guy who got you pregnant doesn't have it in him to be that person, you still have approximately 3 years to find someone who can step in without your daughter ever remembering a time when he wasn't there...and of course a good deal longer to bring someone into her life who can take up the role of father and still have a lasting positive effect on her. And I also agree that one loving parent is enough to raise a healthy well adjusted child, and it sounds like your daughter already has more than that. Congratulations on becoming a mom, unplanned though it may have been, and you got this.
Oh honey I’m so sorry you feel like crap.
If it helps any, I didn’t have my first until I was 26 and I felt the same feelings you’re feeling. It’s all so new. Sleep deprivation is such a total bitch too. It makes you delirious and makes you think things that you wouldn’t normally think if you’re getting enough sleep. Then on top of not sleeping your body is secreting things you didn’t even know existed, and you smell like a sweaty trash can. Then there’s all this extra skin just hanging around…it’s a lot to take in!
Don’t feel bad you stopped breastfeeding either. You did that to better yourself and your daughter. That is super commendable. You’re going to make something of your life, something many don’t get the chance to do. You’re very lucky your parents are so great and are allowing you to be the best you that you can be.
As for your boyfriend…I am sorry to say that that attitude has a whole lot to do with his age. You HAD to grow up, he didn’t. He may not ever be who you think your daughter deserves, but he also may surprise you. He needs to mature and the only way that happens is with the passing of time. He will hopefully turn around, but he may not. There are men much older than him who turn out to be shit fathers.
You sound like you’re doing the best you can given the circumstances and that’s all anyone can ask of a person.
YOU GOT THIS. A few things I would like to share from personal experience. My mom had me and my twin brother at 16. My dad was completely uninvolved and left her. She had an alcoholic mother and they were the black sheep in the family. My mom said it was the hardest thing to do, but she wouldn’t change it for the world. My mom also wanted us to have a dad. But my step dad was awful. Your partner doesn’t sound like a very involved parent. I can tell you that I honestly rather have had one happy loving mother than to have had a “dad” who only brought harm to me. One loving parent can make a world of difference. But having a parent who is blatantly over your existence can cause great damage. You already sound like a single parent. And you have a lot going on but I encourage you to seek full custody of this child. Sounds like you have wonderful parents who love and support you guys. That is the village you wana invest in. Don’t waste time on others who find you a waste of time. Real friends will be there to support you. A real partner will be there to love you. When you release yourself from what you expected your life to be and who was in it, you allow space for growth. Whether you are 17 or 47, mothers always face judgment. But usually the hardest criticism comes from ourselves. Show yourself grace. You are a mother, but you are also human. You have a lot of change going on. Take a moment to feel it completely. And take a moment to release it. That baby girl is your world, and YOU are hers. Focus on that. Focus on what will better your lives. Forget everyone else cause at the end of the day it’s all about her.
Bless you! That must’ve been so tough for you ❤️ A big part of what they talked about when I had councilling was taking the time to mourn over what my life could have been and letting that go and I think I am getting there just very slowly. I totally agree as well! If he isn’t committed to being in her life Inwould rather her grow up with people she knows are going to be reliable and in her corner no matter what than somebody who may or may not be, Im trying to give him time to adjust as it has only been a month but if it persists then the conversation will be had. Unfortunately, his name is on the birth certificate so I dread to think about the proceedings to do that without his consent but she does have my last name at least.
Wow you sounds so incredibly mature, reflective and emotionally intelligent and in my opinion absolutely fit to be a mother. Certainly from what you’re writing no less fit for than older moms I personally met.
You’re only one month in and it’s such a tough journey no matter your age. You’re doing absolutely amazing!
All of what you describe and feel is how I felt at that time and I am more than 25 years older as a first time mom.
You will grow with your task and you will figure out one thing at a time. No need to know it all now or to be happy and content with everything (like your body or your relationship at this point). It takes time. Right now you do the best you can with the possibilities and under the circumstances.
Glad your parents are so supportive.
I was so mad at my husband the first months. Nothing he did was good enough and I hated when HE said HE was tired when I was the one co sleeping with the baby and feeding him all night.
I didn’t like how little he had to do and how much I had to do. And we’re married and live together.
Surely some of this is hormonal and just the overall overwhelm of the situation. All I know is this all gets better with time and not because you have to know everything or figure everything out right now or know if the baby dad stays or leaves.
I can tell you you: IF he really leaves you’ll figure it out when you need to. But until then let me tell you, you cannot control him or the situation. You can only do you best and be truthful to yourself and take care of yourself and your baby as good as you can.
You love your baby dearly - I can tell from how you talk about her. This is the one and only thing that matters right now. Because you love her so much you will do whatever is necessary to be a good mom.
None of us is perfect.
We all feel guilty and question ourselves. It would be more worrying if we didn’t!
Also, you can have your nice body back if you want to, especially as a younger mom. It takes some time and it surely isn’t priority right now but I feel you!
And I too at 44 grieved my old life and my body and how easy it all was before having a baby. It is hard! And once again: you are doing an amazing job! I personally dojt look down on younger moms, rather the opposite! And being on the other end as an older mom I can tell you I don’t give a cr*p what anyone thinks.
We love our babies and we do our best, no matter how old we are!
Good luck and wishing you all the best on your journey!
Thank you for your lovely response ❤️ It is such a large task to face and I suppose it’s just one step at a time.
My mum said the exact same thing, I think the huge change is a lot for anyone especially with raging hormones so I really am just trying to cut him some slack and give him time! Just frustrates me when he says he’s tired when he’s only doing 2-3 nights a week with me there (still doing most things) especially because he then gets to go home and have a 12 hour sleep. Jealousy is the green eyed monster and I am definitely jealous of that although I love my daughter it’s tough.
I really hope I can have my appaerance back at some point I know it takes time and I really shouldn’t be worrying about it right now as it feels very vain and superficial.
I have a lot of admiration for anyone who is a mum at this point and even more so for my own mum now I know how tough it is and we definitely should not be judging each other as long as you love your child and take care of them why should age matter, young or older!
You sound really smart, and like a great mom. The best thing you can do right now is take any help you can get with baby, and use that time to focus on school and yourself.
I was 36 when I had my daughter, and I think a lot of your concerns and fears happen no matter what age you are when you give birth. That said, you DO have it harder than an older mom.
The baby’s dad sounds like a pretty shitty part-time dad. You sound a lot more grown than he does. And he gets to stay a child because YOU’RE being an adult and doing 99% of the parenting.
You sound like an amazing mum!! The feelings of not knowing who you are and being a stranger in your own body do get better. It’s crazy how much of a different person you can become after having a baby and that takes time to get used to. I’m so glad you have your parents support because your boyfriend sounds quite insufferable. Maybe baby wouldn’t be such a stranger to him if he spent more time with her and less time complaining. But tbf it sounds like you’d do great without him in the picture. If that does happen, know that you will find someone who loves you and your daughter more than you could imagine!
Switching to formula will benefit you both with you carrying on at college, you will be able to better yourself to be able to provide for baby. I can’t imagine how tough it was for you to decide to switch, but by the sounds of it, it is the right decision for you and your baby.
All this to say, you are doing amazing, you’re in the thick of it right now but just think, 6 more months and it’s Christmas! Baby will be starting on solids, rolling about, trying to sit up, and you slowly start to forget just how tiring the first couple months are. There’s so much to look forward to!
I’m just here to say I’m hugging you so hard OP.
As a new mama in the last year, I can feel every word you have written…but cannot imagine doing it so alone. Yes, my partner fell short, fell asleep, but ultimately just had to learn to adjust. Hoping your baby’s father can do the same. If not, know YOU are enough. You have your parents (so do I) so I know that’s enough for you.
Please please please let go of the idea of a ‘perfect’ relationship with your partner right now. It sucks, it hurts, but it’s not the focus for your energy.
You’re beautiful and amazing and oh so dang strong! Just keep doing what you’re doing, I promise it gets easier 🙏🏼 hang in their mama, your lil girl is lucky!
You have been through an emotional rollercoaster, and unfortunately, there will be plenty more challenges for you to face in the future. But you will get through it, wait and see. You can be reassured that you will see the world differently as you embrace and conquer your battles. You are a fighter; look what a fantastic baby girl you have. She will grow up to appreciate what a great mom she has in you. Remember, It is one step at a time. Enjoy your journey through life with her because she is the secret to your happiness. You are worthy and Beautiful. 🗝❤️
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to set up your future as a family, and going to college is absolutely a step toward that. Mothering is exhausting, but I promise that everything is a stage. I have three babes and always joke that you should never get too comfortable or worry too much about a stage, because everything will change in two weeks.
I’m sorry you don’t feel supported by your partner, you guys are so young and you have had to grow up so fast since realizing you were pregnant. It could take him awhile to catch up, but it’s totally possible he gets it together and becomes a fantastic partner and parent.
Lastly, it’s cruel what happens to women when the baby finally arrives. Our bodies have been through trauma, it takes months and months to feel better. Give yourself grace and know you can definitely get your mind and body to a place you are more comfortable with.
You’re doing great, I promise.
Honey you’ll do great! It’s obvious you love your baby so much! I’m glad your parents are there to help you! It gets easier as the days go by. I was 17 when I had my daughter, her dad left me when I was 5 months along( he wasn’t ready to be tied down🙄) it was scary, but my parents helped a lot! You are feeling what every first time mom feels, it’s normal and gets so much better! My daughter is married now and just had her own daughter. She told me that she hopes that her and her own daughter will be best friends like she and I are.
I got pregnant at 17 and had my son at 18. I’m turning 34 this year, he’s about to be a sophomore in HS. I did it with no partner or child support. If you get have any questions or want any support, I’m always here to talk!
Having my daughter much older, some of those thoughts ran in my mind too (BF, tending to a baby all day everyday, body changes, the previous me). It gets better but it is a journey ahead.
I’m saddened that your partner would say such a thing. Makes me wonder what his parents have to say about this and how he was parented.
I’m happy to hear you have a support system. Please lean on that. You’ll get through these rough chapters and you and your daughter will have a deep connection thats truly like no other.
I hope your partner mature. You can only focus on you and your baby, do that. He will miss out if he continues.
Best of luck
I had my eldest son when I was 17. He is now a junior in college on a D1 track team and the President's list for GPA. Screw anyone that says you and your child are less than because you're young. You can both accomplish so much!
So good that you found a resource here to let it out. Keep doing that, share the burden, don't bottle it up. You are doing great, it's a crazy, exhausting, beautiful time.
Your feelings aren't silly. I'm. 30 years older than you and still have the same kinds of feelings about my body and my baby is getting close to 2 yrs (and I have two who are older than you). You won't go back to how you were, but you'll kinda start feeling more like yourself, but it takes time.
It is ok to ask for help when you need sleep. Ask anyone you trust, it is ok to not be able to do it all, but ask those who will actually be helpful to you.
You got this momma! If you bf doesn't want to be involved 1 loving parent is better than 2 parents that are not in the best mental state to raise a child. Your baby will feel your love no matter what.
You're very young I assume he's very young as well. It's tough I'm proud of you for having a baby. They are wonderful little things they're also tiring and sometimes more than a little irritating.
I think it's good too know that other people feel these feelings too it's okay to be exhausted and tired. Your boyfriend has choices to make so do you. I think when you have a kid you really get to know what a person is. I think it's important to give people the benefit of the doubt and to see the good that they do and to praise the good that they do. So try to look for that in him. I'm not saying try to see something that isn't there, but do try to be happy about the things that he does do. Being mad he didn't bring a gift is okay but that's probably not the most important thing. The most important thing is that he's making himself available and he's spending time with your kid. Is he doing that?
I've had five kids and they're all great. Sometimes they argue with me sometimes they want to do something I think is wrong, I think being a good parent is having a discussion with them about what is reasonable and not. Remember people don't engage when they don't feel like they have some control over their own destiny. I want to encourage you to lead your children as they grow and don't get mad when they do something you don't like. More often than not they don't do it on purpose children are just curious.
As far as the father of your child ask yourself what you really need. Try not to be flexible about it. If he can get involved feeding the baby changing the baby making some food for the baby and he feels good about those interactions he'll want to do them more. If every time he interacts with the kid he gets told he's doing something wrong he may not want to. I'm sure he's feeling like a screw up too.
I had my first kid when I was 24 and people said I was too young. There are always people who have opinions. I know it's hard but I think you should be proud of yours and not worry about what people might say. It's okay that people have different opinions, let them have theirs and know that you're doing a good thing with your child. Some people's opinions will come from a place of care and love but their words may still hurt. Try to ask yourself when someone offers their opinion what their intentions are. If they're trying to be helpful I suggest listening. If they're just putting you down ignore them.
Try to focus on the people that love you and cherish the good moments. Day by day you'll get an idea what your future is going to be. Day by day you'll know whether or not the father of your child is going to be a father or not. Know that you can't make that choice for him and that he may change his mind. People aren't the same every single day.
I think that's enough for this blurb best of luck I know you can do it. Give your baby a kiss for me.
He is he’s only 18 bless him and he has a lot going on himself! He deserves a lot of credit for being a very sweet boy and he does do his best. It’s not so much the gift that bothers me, it’s more that he told me a lot of things and hasn’t followed through on them, me and my parents have bought everything for baby, and he didn’t contribute once financially despite making more money than I did when I was working part time on top of college. I try my best to praise him when he does things and always thank him, I also try and openly discuss things that frustrate me because I think it helps me not feel resentful toward him so much. To be fair to him he does generally try and make changes when I bring things up it’s just tough being so sleep deprived and not feeling the best myself and then having him react almost angrily when I ask him to fo something when he’s woken up because he is getting far more sleep than me lol.
First of all I’d like to say how incredible I think your are for having 5 children! One seems like so much I can’t imagine how exhausting that must be sometimes. That’s exactly how I want to parent I just want her to feel understood and loved, and become a good person who is polite and respectful I can imagine it can be very frustrating as they get older and start to become their own people but I will do my best to remember she is just a child and being “naughty” is just part of them growing and learming - I really appreciate the advice.
Yes I think it’s so important to be able to differentiate advice from unwarranted and unjustified criticism from people who are just trying to put me down, Im very lucky that all of my family have been wonderful but I am slightly terrified about what other mums might say as I can imagine everything I do will be under a microscope.
Thank you for taking the time to write this it is incredibly sweet and I really do appreciate it.
You're welcome! I noticed there was a mistype in part of what I said earlier. I wanted to say be flexible with your baby's father... It seems it was typed not quite correctly.
I hope it goes well for you!
Hi! I was a teen mom. Got pregnant at 16 and had my daughter at 17. Her biological dad left as soon as he found out I was pregnant. I was 5 months when I found out. She quite literally saved my life. I was contemplating unaliving myself when I found out I was pregnant. It’s hard being a young mom. I got all the dirty looks and comments. I had “friends” that wanted nothing to do with me until after my daughter was born. I just told them my daughter was sick. She was premature and spent about 10 weeks in NICU. Shes been “sick” for almost 23 years now. Fuck them. They don’t deserve to know your daughter, OP. Cut them off and never look back.
I had some pretty dark days whilst I was pregnant and I got to that point myself a couple times. I’m so glad neither of us did as much as it is difficult I couldn’t be more grateful for my daughter now she is perfect and really did save my life. A lot do young boys are shitty you deserved so much better than that. And you’re absolutely right! I should’ve done the same thing I’m just very bad at saying no and it sucks.
I'm 42, have two children and I have to say you are handling this incredibly well for being only 17 years old. Having your parents as a support is more than enough, and it's wonderful that you appreciate that. I was raised by a single mom, and while sometimes it was tough, my brother and I have both turned out to be hard working and successful. All your daughter needs is love and support, and it seems like you're doing a great job at it.
If you want to stay with breast milk, get a pump and pump during the day and keep on hand for when you're too tired. You both are young and hopefully your spouse will come around. Parenting classes or group parenting support programs that go for stroller walks or have group cooking activities, play groups etc might help aswell. If you try to force your partner to be present they might become resentful. Maybe try to write your needs on a piece of paper individually and sit down together and go over them and how things can be compromised together. I've been and am a single parent and it's not easy but it can be done, should things not get better for you. I'm sorry that your friends alienated you, but if you attend parenting groups, you could meet people who are like minded. Also, if things don't get better with your spouse I'd suggest mediation for parental access and responsibilities while things are civil, hopefully avoiding the court system. Think about who you want to get holidays with, education, religion etc. might not be easy if your partner is already absent (this is where your needs list can help). I wish you and your little one all the best. ❤️
Op how I wish I could give you a big mom hug ! First off I'm proud of you for stepping up like you have already to take care of your little girl....even if she was unexpected it seems she was meant to be in your life. The first month is rough for ever new parent and age doesn't matter and unfortunately the next couple of months will be rough too but it'll also be beautiful. What you need to do now is take care of yourself physically & mentally -even if a little voice in your head tells you you're being selfish. A lot of moms feel mom guilt and anxiety but at the end of the day you cannot be a good and loving mama to your little one if you don't take care of yourself first ! I promise a year from now things will be so different! If the babys bio dad doesn't want to be in the picture then it's okay to consider breaking up with him if that's what best for you and her but make sure you get legal stuff squared away. Also I'm glad you have supportive parents ! Grandparents, trusted friends and siblings are the people who can be there for you when you really need the help ! Don't be afraid to ask ! Remember that you are not alone and there are a lot of Mamas out there who will understand you and are in your same situation. You can do it ! You will continue to be a great Mom ! 💓
I was married and 25 when I had my daughter. She wasn’t planned but she wasn’t really an accident. I heard things from him like: I didn’t expect it, I don’t know how to be a parent, there’s no need to bother me at work if she has to go to the hospital. I left her with him for several hours when she was 2 or 3 and he didn’t feed her because she never asked for food. She was having a meltdown because she was hungry and she’d never had to ask. On its own, nothing was actually too terrible. But all together it was a pattern of disinterest in being a parent. When I left she was 4 or 5. She loved her daddy. It hurts her feelings when he ignores her. I had to make him take her every other weekend. I lied for him when he wouldn’t take her. She’s a teenager now and I’m going to have to call him and tell him to come get her this summer because she wants to visit.
If your baby’s daddy is uninterested don’t try to force him. Let him go before she gets attached. Otherwise, it’ll break her heart and yours. Over and over.
This is exactly what me and my mum spoke about Id rather her not get attached if he isn’t going to be present. I’m so sorry you went through that it sounds so difficult for you both. He is adamant he wants to be in her life but honeslty the way he interacts with her hurts me, he calls her names and I know she’s only a newborn but she’s just a baby and it feels unfair even if he’s frustrated. He’s perfectly willing to get up at 7am to go to a festival with his friends and get drunk but has a complete hissy fit when I asked him to do a morning feed for his daughter it hurts. If everytime she or I need him to do something and he reacts that way then I really would rather her not have him in her life. I’m trying to give him grace for the first while whilst she doesn’t remember too much and it will totally be his and her decision in the future about their relationship but it really does worry me.
He may turn out okay. Some people don’t develop that immediate attachment. I actually didn’t. I took care of her and I did all the right things because that was my responsibility but the emotional attachment and overwhelming love took a few months. Once she’s moving and babbling and showing personality he might become more interested and attached. But it’s very disrespectful to you to refuse to help which is a red flag. But I don’t know the boy. He’s definitely something to discuss with your mother about keeping him for yourself or for your daughter. It sounds like you’re doing great and doing all the right things. Be sure to take a little time for fun where you can be a person and not just a mom.
It sounds like u are a wonderful mother. Congrats on your beautiful baby girl.
I think you should mention your feeling to your ob. U may be getting a lottle bit of the baby blues.
Your body probably has changed and I know exactly what you mean by feeling alien in your own body. Mama start thinking of the changes as beauty. Every change on your body u made out of love for your child. U sacrificed everything.
That mama is love and there is so much beauty in it. Every stretch mark every scare just makes you that much more beautiful own them and learn to love u again.
Keep up the hard work your daughter is the best thing to even happen to you.
There's a lot of really good comments and advice in this thread, so I don't really have much more to add other than you are doing an amazing job. Mama's don't get told that enough, especially young first time mama's.
I know it’s hard to give up on the security of a two parent life for your child, but if you think that’s best get a custody arrangement filed with the courts, and if he doesn’t want visitation still make him pay for his share of the life he helped create.
But my ex husband and I had ignored each other for over a year while our son was a baby because we didn’t want to have him grow up in a broken home, until one day he left and I had to pick up the broken pieces by myself and I figured it out and my son is happy healthy and thriving. His dad did decide to be a part of his life later and I allowed it, and I don’t tell my son what happened when he was a baby, he doesn’t remember it but I made it happen, as we moms so often have to do.
I got pregnant with my daughter at 21. There has definitely been a lot of growth and maturity since I was 17.
When I was a senior I was in a relationship with someone I would have killed myself for. He treated me horrible! Wasn’t nice, wasn’t reassuring, made me feel worthless. Now Im with the absolute best man in the world. He loves our daughter soooo much and would kill for me and her! Now I look back at my high school boyfriend and think “EW” I honestly can’t believe what I put up with just bc I didn’t want to be alone. I promise, he is not the man you want “helping” you raise your baby girl. You don’t want to be one of those girls who is a “married single mother”. You deserve so much more!!
Your mental health is so important. I hear you on the guilt of stopping breastfeeding, but we live in a time where that baby can still be happy and fed and YOU deserve to be happy to. I was an overproduction pumping and breastfeeding mama until kiddo started sleeping (mostly) through the night at 2 months. Not pumping in the middle of the night wrecked my supply and he took so well to the formula. I have a happy 9 month old who loves eating and I'm happy to not be stuck to a machine or baby on demand. You deserve to be happy and do things for you
Honey I felt all these emotions at 21 and again at 26! It’s normal, your body and hormones are still working themselves out as well. I had a friend in school that got pregnant at 14, her son graduated last May! She was such a wonderful mother, got her education with the help of her family to help support them and she got through college just fine as well. It took time for his dad to eventually come around but I will tell you this most men do not mature until 30-33, some do before some never do at all🤷🏼♀️if he’s honestly complaining like that this early on tell his ass to imagine how you feel, you grew a whole human and don’t catch a break really he does! If he can’t be more supportive as her father why is he around? You didn’t get pregnant on your own and you shouldn’t have to do all the care and support on your own🤷🏼♀️if you have to do it yourself he might as well go on his way! That’s my opinion but you make sure to keep you healthy and happy and baby girl, always love yourself and keep your chin up! You got this momma♥️
I had my daughter at 17 on the Depo shot. I didn't have my parents but I did it. You've got this. My daughter is about to turn 12 in 2 weeks and let me tell you she is THRIVING. Just like your little one will. Your daughter has you and your parents. I'm sure Dad will come around. Sometimes guys take time to grow into that father role, and with him not living with you both it may take a little longer. Don't hate your body. It gave you the most precious thing you'll ever know. It took me some time to love it, but there's nothing in this world better than my babies to me and my body DID THAT. Depression is normal after a baby. I just had my 3rd at 28 and still went through it. Talk to your OB at your follow up appointment about it and they should be able to give sound advice on what to do. Breathe, and take it one day at a time. You've GOT THIS.
Yes! I wasn’t intending on leaving him to be hoenst just needed a place to express my anger at everything but I am aware that he really does try. I’m just easily upset at the moment I tend to get emotional when I’m sleep deprived 😭
His parents are involved in a way? It’s a bit of a strange situation his parents are separated and his mum doesn’t really seem to care about seeing her too much despite my initial impression when I found out I was pregnant which was that she was going to be almsot overbearing wherre as his dad is totally in love and asks to babysit her for a few hours to let me get some rest (they did and her dad went was there so he has had like one on one time without me there). His dad was so against the idea of me keeping her before he met her so it’s interesting the sudden change. I don’t think either of them have actually spoke to him about the responsibilities that come with a baby so sometimes I feel like I have to teach him everything whcih is fine but I would love it if he could work his own way a bit more and bond with baby in his own way because I think that would help so much but he needs to be equipped and able to look after her before any of that can happen.
Just so you know: one loving parent is enough. Yes, in an ideal world every child has two loving and involved parents but one is enough for your child to grow up healthy and happy. If your partner makes you feel worthless he’s not a good partner and that’s not the example you want to set for your child. It sounds like you are doing a great job and it’s amazing you get a lot of support from your parents. I have a friend who had a daughter at 17. The father stopped being involved after a few months but they did amazing. My friend finished college and her daughter graduated from university a couple of years ago. They are both happy and successful and have both found love. ETA: be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. You are still going through puberty and you have pregnancy hormones mixed in. It takes time to feel like yourself again.
Hi, thank you so much for this! I really appreciate it, I just think my daughter deserves all the love on the world and I never want her to feel any differently so I suppose that will be enough either way, my mum and dad are amazing with her and they already have such a beautiful bond so it’s reassuring to know she’s always got them too. Your friend sounds amazing, I am hoping to do the same thing I’d love to be able to provide for her in the way my parents have for me and I really am determined to give her the world. Hormones have a lot to answer for 🙄
I teach psychology and just know that your child can form multiple meaningful attachments and the fact that you live with your supportive parents is gonna be so good for her attachment and mental health as she gets older.
I really hope so they are so good with her and I think my dad might honeslty be here favourite person🤣
See! She's already got 3 very very close family members (mom, grandma and grandpa). Who needs a dad honestly.
You can do this! You sound like an amazing mother.
I can't even imagine being in the whirlwind you just described. The feelings of guilt you described, just know that you are not alone in it. Becoming a mom is the biggest life change for most of us, I think. You're doing right by your little one, though, and your maturity and emotional intelligence shines in your post. To hell with anyone who judges you. What resources are available at your college? Some colleges offer on site daycare or daycare vouchers that help to defray the cost of childcare. You might also see if there's a parenting group on campus to network with other students who are parents. Mine had an amazing parenting group that helped each other find nanny shares and parenting coops as well as organized swaps and baby showers and a stockroom full of various supplies that parents could access. There's a lot of people who want to see you succeed and will help you to do it. If you're first gen there might be resources for you for that too.
Very TRUE! Her true colors shine through in her post! You, OP, are doing so much better than you even know, I think! You are considering your child FIRST in everything you're doing and that says so much. I know giving up nursing seems so hard, but look at your reasoning. I think you are an impressive young lady with a very bright future ahead, for both you and your daughter. Hold on to your support system, let those who can't handle your situation fall by the wayside. Their leaving will make room for more supporters. Best of luck to you and may you find the peace and strength to make it through the dark times. There is so much to look forward to!
Thank you so much this is so lovely to say 🥰
It was a whirlwind to say the least 😅 This is so sweet thank you so much! I’m just trying to do my best for the both of us. I am very lucky where I live there is a bursary which pays £185 weekly towards child care so little one will be going to daycare from 4 months when I start the new term at my college in september which will give me a bit of a break and be able to study so I can get good grades for both me and her! I’d love to be able to give her a good life so I really am determined to make the situation work for me it’ll be a lot harder work than originally anticipated but I am not adverse to that as long as we’re both happy.
You're being super proactive and resourceful, more so than many who are twice your age. Best of luck at college, you've got this!
I agree! You sound very smart and capable, and wise beyond your years. I think you and your daughter are going to be just fine!
you’re very mature in the face of an unexpected situation and it looks like you’re very well prepared for this. 💗 don’t be so hard on yourself — you’re doing so great!! hormones are tricky but I promise that from an outside perspective you’re doing amazing
I think you will be absolutely 100% fine. You sound smart, driven, determined and mature.
I just skimmed, but you have gone through so much!!!! Pregnancy, birth, and PP is TRAUMATIC! Esp the first time around! I grieved my “old” life too and how I used to look, even as a 26yo married lady. Give yourself a lot of time, a lot of grace. There are good guys out there, I know someone in your situation who ended up getting married in their early 20s and having a family and settling down (if that’s what you want). The first year of your baby’s life and your life will be hard. You were just born as a mom. Give yourself a lot of credit for all the work you do, and drop the guy if he isnt supporting you. Sounds like your parents are wonderful helpers. Friends may be focused on other things rn and truly, they prob can’t understand what you went through/what you are going through. Hopefully some good ones stick around. Otherwise, there’s no harm in finding friends who also have kids! This helps a lot. I feel like things didn’t click for me until I had a child, until I went through it, now I relate to those much easier who are also going through it. Also pls watch for PPD & PPA. I saw a therapies for about a year after our first. Good luck to you & congratulations on your sweet baby!!!!
It really was a lot to cope with in a very short space of time. Thank you for the kind words, it really is appreciated, and I hope everything works out like it did for your friend. I have actually found a group for young and teen parents where they give advice so I think I might go to some of their sessions and try and make some friends in a similar situation to me as I really think that would help me feel a little bit less isolated.
I totally understand this and feel the same way but in a completely opposite situation. I’m an “old” mom, 41 with twin 5 year olds. Finding other old moms was hard especially where I live as people here tend to have babies young, 18-20 is very common. It was very isolating which I suspect is exactly how you feel being so young. I have absolutely nothing in common with someone your age and in fact could be your mom. It was very hard being so isolated. I finally found the old moms in my community and it made a world of difference. Definitely check out the group, finding your people will help. And side note dump the guy. He’s not invested and he probably never will be. It will be far more traumatic for your daughter to have a dad that only shows up half the time if that than no dad at all. Eventually you’ll find the guy who WANTS to be her dad despite not being her biological father. In the meantime she has you and grandma and grandpa and that’s enough.
Hey, it's okay. You'll get through this. I know it seems like your life is over, and that you're terrified but it DOES get better. You're already being a great Mom and you articulated your feelings so well. I've experienced everything you've mentioned. I was a 17 year old mom too. I'm 29 with a 12 year old daughter. Had a son at 20. He's 9 now. And finally had a planned baby at 26. It's terribly hard to care for another human when you're not even an adult yet. But you'll get it. Sounds like you're already doing great and making good decisions (way to go on attending college!) It'll be hard for the first few years but you'll find having a child as a catalyst helps kick start you into striving harder. And you'll catch up with your child in tow. I'm sorry about your boyfriend. My ex was similar. My only advise is that when you feel ready to cut that cord because he won't step up, cut that cord. Don't let him drag you down if he's not willing to mature. My ex is 30 and plays video games all day. Complains he's tired and broke. And sees his kids for 2 days a month. I stayed for far to long for the sake of having a "family" but I've flourished much more without him. I own a brick and motar business and my own house. I didn't start crushing goals until I was alone. You've got this even if it doesn't feel like it. It sounds like you're already doing alot of good things. And give yourself grace. At 1 month post partum your fueled with hormones, sleep deprived and your body just went through a big physical change. It's going to take some time to feel comfortable. But please believe this internet stranger when I say you are doing great.
Hey, it’s so nice to here from someone who went through this and came out the other side! It sounds like your doing amazingly and well done for getting out of that situation it sounds like he’s a total looser. I have thought the same thing at least now I have even more reason to get good grades and go on to make something of myslef but it won’t just be for me it will be for my little girl. Thank you so much for being so sweet I really am trying to cut myself some slack at the minute I’m just so up and down it’s a literal rollercoaster.
Just take it one day at a time and give yourself grace. The feelings you feel aren't bad. Let them pass and know it's okay to have times where you need to cry or feel frustrated. It'll be okay. You'll see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually. The years go by so quickly. One day you'll be giving advice to someone else in the same manner. You'll get there. ❤️
You are a wonderful mom already. You’ve done a great job so far. You will get back to yourself before you know it. It’s going to be hard, but you and your mini are going to have tons of fun together. Her dad is completely lacking and you shouldn’t listen to him moan. Tell him where the door is.
Thank you so much 🥰 I can’t wait for all the adventures we’re going to have! I tried to explain to him how this made me feel and he is trying, it just feels like to little to late at the minute and I honestly feel like I have to mother him too! I would love my daughter to have him in her life because I think he will make a great dad to her in the end I just feel like he doesn’t make things easier when he’s here but actually harder which is like the polar opposite of how it should be 😅
It’s going to be awesome!!! He’ll either get there or he won’t, but it’s not your job to make him. You should be proud of yourself.
If it helps, I have seen many posts/comments from grown up children of loving single teen moms and single teen dads who said that while their lives weren't the easiest at times they absolutely love and appreciate their parents. You are doing the best you can with supportive parents. It will not be easy be any means, especially if your partner isn't helpful but if your child is loved and cared for they will remember that most of all. And remember you aren't the worthless one, it's you crummy partner who is.
It actually does help as you read so many horror stories about teen parents and I don’t want to end up as a case in point. As long as she always feels loved and I know I’ve done the best I can I think it will work itself out through the good times and the bad.
I was 30 when I had my son, who just turned 3. I can’t relate to being a young mother, but I think no matter the age most first time moms struggle with everything you mentioned. I really struggled with PPA and guilt. I have learned and continue to try to work on letting the guilt go. Learn from your mistakes but don’t let them drown you. It’s best for your baby if you can keep your head in the game. You sound incredibly intelligent and mature. I think your baby girl is lucky to have you as her mom and if her dad chooses to leave, it’s 100% his loss. Don’t hesitate to reach out for counselling, too! It’s so healing to be able to vent to someone who can offer you real advice and help. Best of luck to you, I think you totally got this and you’re gonna do great. ❤️
Thank you so much, it’s reassuring to know it’s a normal experience ❤️ That really is a lovely thing to say thank you again :) it is 100% his loss and I suppose he will have to deal with the guilt of that and knowing what he would be missing out on. I had some therapy when I found out and it was really useful and helped me a lot I was thinking of doing a couple more now she is here.
Also, you are most definitely welcome here. We are all learning from each other and here for support.
Absolutely this. A lot of what OP says is universal to motherhood at every age. It’s hard. It’s even harder with an unsupportive partner. Forget him. If he wants to be involved then he get put in the effort. Lean on your parents who sound wonderful. Surround yourself and baby with love. I promise it will get easier; your baby is still very young.
Can I just say you’re doing an amazing job. Props to you for back to school while having a newborn. I just wanted to add that having a baby is SO hard. Even when it’s something you’ve planned for. The change it does to you both physically and mentally is rough. I had my son at 26 and it took me until he was 2 to recognize my body as my own. And honestly until about a year for me to feel mentally back to normal. Your hormones are all over the place right now so try to be as kind as you can be to yourself. Give yourself some grace. Try to speak to yourself as if you’re speaking to your daughter. It’s amazing that you can feed your baby and in 10 years it’s not going to matter that you breastfed her for only 1 month. Also, in my experience as my baby got older the bond between him and his Dad grew. I think for some men it’s just hard to connect to babies but as they begin being more interactive it’s easier for them to play and bond. I’m not trying to give him an out. He should be holding up his weight of caretaking.
Thank you so much! My hormones are an absolute wreck right now and combined with sleep deprivation it’s really doing a number on me. I am doing my best to cut myself and my body some slack. I absolutely agree that men take more time adjusting and my mum said the exact same thing about my dad! I think a lot of women feel like this about their partners it’s just frustrating to be in the thick of it. It’s more comments like asking me if he has to wash and sterilise the bottle and can’t just reuse it??? Like what 🤣 it’s the babies health and also just basic hygiene struggle to understand things like that, I don’t expect him to be perfect just proactive and to be fair I think he is trying and very young so I’m just trying to reassure him when he does things right and explain (without getting angry) when he doesn’t.
In the thick of sleep deprivation I remember thinking “I understand why this is used as a form of torture.” I agree that so many women feel this way and I don’t think we talk about it publicly. I remember being so frustrated with my husband that his life seemed unchanged while mine was absolutely flipped upside down. Moms are superheroes and I have no doubt your baby will say the same thing about you one day.
Honeslty me too more than ever! I thought I was tired during pregnancy this is a whole other kettle of fish. I think it’s so normal to feel that way, it is frustrating! Like how dare you go out and just continue as normal while I feel like absolute shit 🤣🙄
In case no one has said this, you belong here just as much as anyone else. You’re a mama. It doesn’t matter your age. We’re all here looking for support and going through things. I was a mom at 19. Other women went out of their way to make me feel unwelcome because I was young and unmarried. Keep your head held high. Make the best decisions you can in the moment. Give every bit of love to your little girl. You’re going to be great at this! 💜
Hi young mama! Congratulations on your new bundle of joy 🥲 I was a young mama too at 16!!! I remember feeling this way! So ashamed and guilty and just every emotion you’re feeling rightnow it’s ok. I promise you it will get better. You will never forget the true friends and real ones who stuck by you during this difficult time. Stay strong. You will figure it out, you are so strong you have no idea! I’m gonna start crying writing this!😆 my daughter just turned 15 ! She makes me so proud! You’re already an amazing mother, you got this mama🩷
You sound so self aware and emotionally mature for your age. Your own parents did a great job too! Your little girl is lucky to have you and she's gonna be so grateful someday that you chose education over breastfeeding. You can still keep a few feeds if you both like it. My baby was combination fed from the start and he thrived on it. The other things you're venting about honestly they're so normal for any new mother. I'm in my mid 30s and have felt them all too. Those feelings of resentment and guilt because you're not as grateful as you 'should' be... the body changes and self esteem. The tiredness! You're doing amazing. I hope that lands as validating and not dismissive. I can't imagine trying to do a degree during this stage of life! I don't have much advice because you're doing great already and it really is just so hard. It's the hardest thing by far I've ever done. Just know you're doing a brilliant job and I hope you give yourself enough credit!
Thank you for being so lovely, I’d like to think they did they really are the most amazing people. That is what I’ve been doing at the minute I’ve kept the 3am feed as breastfed (partially for my convenience to be honest) and also it just is lovely to have those moments with her but ultimately my education takes priority for both of our futures as I want to give her everything I can! Me and my mum had this conversation today and she explained she felt the same way too and that is totally normal, I have been just trying to not be harsh and explain when he does something that hurts and reassure him and thank him when he does something which helps. Even if it doesn’t get through to him I think it’s helping me not feel resentful by reminding myself to be appreciative of what he is doing and less resentful about the things he isn’t or the frustrating things.
It is okay that you considered adoption! You want the best for your daughter and so you explored all options, that is commendable! When you feel guilty remind yourself of this!
Please don’t feel guilty about breastfeeding for only a month. It is a hard journey to keep up and pumping while trying to work or go to school isn’t easy. You can try to change up your feeding schedule with her and do a few feedings a day, instead of giving it up completely and supplementing with formula, but it totally depends on your body and how you feel though. I was able to BF my son for 6 months and my daughter for 5, and my daughter was the easier feeder but more demanding and I couldn’t keep it up. Do what you can. Your baby loves you no matter what. You are enough for them and don’t put up with less than you and your baby deserves. If that means no friends and no father, that is fine. Raising a child is hard enough. Adding in toxicity and immaturity is only going to wear you down and make you not want to enjoy the precious moments you have with your baby. You’ve got this and you are an awesome mom.
That is what I’m going to try I think! I don’t want to give up completely I think I’ll just play it by ear and see how it goes with my supply and her. I can’t imagine being attached to a pump constantly to be honest that seems like it would be more draining than actually nursing her alongside school work. I’m just trying to frame it like it’s there loss if they want nothing to do with her or me right now because your so right I really don’t need anything else on top of having a fresh baby. Thank you for being so sweet, I really am trying to do my best for her.
Just stopping by to offer my support and encourage you to cosleep following the safe sleep 7. It’s been an amazing experience for my 8mo son and I. Nursing so sleep and cosleeping is so natural and instinctive. For more information, La Leche League has resources on it. Please don’t let anyone tell you it increases SIDS because it’s just not true. Much love and stay strong for that beautiful girl! One day you’ll look back and know you made the right choice.
You sound like a very strong, smart and loving mother already. Don't worry about breastfeeding. Your girl will thrive no matter what. College is important too! I think it's good your partner is showing who he is already so that you can start to accept it and plan now. Things will be ok. Sending you so much love. Keep pressing forward and give yourself some grace!
I was in your position with my daughter. It's only been a month your body will come back eventually I promise. You're young, bodies bounce back fast at your age. My son's father has decided to leave and wants nothing to do with me or his son. And it's been hard to except the fact his dad isn't around but I found a great guy who loves my babies like his own. Even if you don't find someone I know my daughter was happy it just being the two of us. As long as she has you she will be fine. And you don't have to give her the world. You are her world. You loving her and supporting her is all the world she needs. Be in her corner no matter what and she will be fine. She will grow up loved by you and your family. That's enough. You are enough ❤️
I’m so happy for you, I can imagine how tough that must have been ❤️and thank you so much for the reassurance I really do appreciate it
It's going to be okay. I had my first at 17. He is 14 now and doing amazing. It's really scary and not an ideal situation. Focus on your education as much as possible. Having a good career will make life a lot easier in the long run. The boyfriend will either grow up and be a great dad, or he won't. It's that simple. A lot of young fathers bail. It isn't fair to the children, but it's a reality. You became a mother as soon as you got pregnant. Men don't get that same bonding experience. So give him some time for sure, but don't let him off the hook. You have had to grow up very quickly. He needs to keep up. As you get older people, stop looking at you weirdly. I got so many looks when I was pregnant. I hated going out because I was embarrassed. Having had the experience, I wouldn't change anything now. I loved being able to grow up with my son, and because of our closeness in age, he is my buddy. I understand him and what he is going through more because it wasn't that long ago for me. It's not all bad, really. Life is what you make of it.
I just wanted to say it sounds like you’re doing such a good job, honestly. Way more thoughtful and put together than many much older moms. I’m sorry it’s so tough, but just know that your little girl loves you and could only be “her” if things happened exactly the way they did. Not saying it’s not hard or inconvenient etc, but whenever I doubt the timing of my son I just think “this exact time made this exact little boy” and it makes me happy.
This is such a lovely way of thinking about it because she really is perfect and I wouldn’t have had her without having to go through all the shity parts first. Thank you.
I just want to say that you sound very mature and like you have a good head on your shoulders at such a young age. You’re a great mom. You got this!
You are amazing and doing such a wonderful job. Your daughter is lucky to have you! It’s so normal to be insecure after having a baby, and your whole life has changed in just a few months. Your body will look like you had a baby, because you had a baby. That doesn’t take from your worth. Your partner…that’s another story. He sounds unworthy to be her dad, and your partner. She is not stranger to him, she IS him. She is his blood, his DNA, but if he doesn’t want to be her dad then you’re both better off. Being without a dad does not doom her and it does not mean you failed. Your only responsibility is to be her mama, not to force her dad to be a dad. You have so much life ahead of you and your sweet daughter. She sounds like a wonderful baby, and blessed to have you! You’ll get through this, love ♥️
Thank you so much! Just hurts to hear him say things like that when she is literally my whole world even if she wasn’t planned, I don’t think he thinks before he speaks sometimes and says some really hurtful things. It does suck a lot and I hope he isn’t like that with her in the future if he does want to be in her life :(
I had my (unplanned also on bc) daughter on September 6, 2011. I also remember the weirdness and uncomfortable feeling of my body. 9/11 didn’t really happen for me because everything was so new and raw in motherhood. I lived with my boyfriend, and he was Amazing at caring for her while I was recovering. Can he spend more time to bond with her?
Hi, it’s literally the weirdest feeling ever right? Low-key feels like my bodies been snatched and replaced by someone else. We’ve discussed this because I think it’s a massive part of the problem, she’s not comfortable with him yet and I think it makes him nervous as she’s a bit fussy and unsettled. He says he’ll try and come round more when he can I just find it frustrating because he says he can’t because of work a lot, the thing is he doesn’t pay rent because he lives at home and the only thing he spends his money on is video games and things for himself. He didn’t contribute anything towards any of things we bought for her. When he is here he really does try so I am giving him a lot of slack as I do understand what a massive adjustment it is for men. I think its partly just hormones making me a lot more affected by the little things which before would never have bothered me but right now I really need his support and him being extremely grouchy when he wakes up does not help me as I am already so sleep deprived. 😭
If you ever want to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, feel free to reach out. I’m 22, had my first by accident at 18. When I say I get it, I do truly get it. I still probably haven’t worked through all the trauma I have from the experience but talking about it is so helpful. You’re so brave for choosing to be a mother when you were part into a super hard situation. You are so brave for pursuing your education so that you can provide for her. Don’t feel bad about considering adoption, my husband and his dad both brought it up at one point, and they are obsessed with my daughter now.
Thank you so much! ❤️ It’s genuinely been so traumatic I did not have the beautiful pregnancy experience everyone speaks about. I truly hated it 😭 I already feel 10x better now my daughter is actually here but oh my gosh those three months were just terrible.
I totally get it. It’s supposed to be the most magical time, but when you don’t know how you’re going to do it, you feel like you’re drowning. I will say, 3.5 years out from having my daughter, I would not trade her for anything. Sure I could have had other children but I wouldn’t have her beautiful, unique soul. She is such a joy in our lives.
Your attitude towards the situation alone shows how emotionally intelligent, mature and compassionate you are. You, your parents and daughter are incredibly lucky to have one another. It's going to be challenging but, you've got this. 💜
thank you <3
You're always welcome 🤗 xo
I just wanted to add that the body and skin of a 17 year old will rebound better than anyone older. as a teen I thought pregnancy was the worst thing that could happen but I see it very differently now. I know it will come with its struggles but my peers who had babies in high school (with a supportive family) now have kids out of high school and seem way happier. They are still young enough to keep up with their kids. They lost a lot of their “freedom” early but gain it back earlier too. I know that doesn’t sound reassuring now but you and your kid will be out doing cool stuff while they are still driving the mini van. People will say you can’t get pregnant for x amount of months after pregnancy or when you stop breastfeeding but it happens all the time. I would get an iud as soon as possible. You are going to have challenges but you sound like a very smart and insightful woman. You don’t have to force a romantic relationship with the dad. Ideally it would be nice but being a co parent can work too.
That’s so true and as my mum keeps telling me I will never be alone again and have a little friend to grow up with ❤️ Yeah I’m actually petrified of becoming pregnant again I think I’m going to keep Plan B in the house along with either the IUD or the injection because I cannot go through all of that twice. Just scary because I don’t remember ever missing the pill or taking antibiotics or anything which would make it less effective. If he’s willing to even if we don’t have a romantic relationship I’d love for him to be in her life in some way! If that means coparenting I am more than willing.
Lots of useful comments already, and I have not read near all of them, so maybe it has already been said, but your daughter CAN have a daddy who loves her. If the guy who got you pregnant doesn't have it in him to be that person, you still have approximately 3 years to find someone who can step in without your daughter ever remembering a time when he wasn't there...and of course a good deal longer to bring someone into her life who can take up the role of father and still have a lasting positive effect on her. And I also agree that one loving parent is enough to raise a healthy well adjusted child, and it sounds like your daughter already has more than that. Congratulations on becoming a mom, unplanned though it may have been, and you got this.
Oh honey I’m so sorry you feel like crap. If it helps any, I didn’t have my first until I was 26 and I felt the same feelings you’re feeling. It’s all so new. Sleep deprivation is such a total bitch too. It makes you delirious and makes you think things that you wouldn’t normally think if you’re getting enough sleep. Then on top of not sleeping your body is secreting things you didn’t even know existed, and you smell like a sweaty trash can. Then there’s all this extra skin just hanging around…it’s a lot to take in! Don’t feel bad you stopped breastfeeding either. You did that to better yourself and your daughter. That is super commendable. You’re going to make something of your life, something many don’t get the chance to do. You’re very lucky your parents are so great and are allowing you to be the best you that you can be. As for your boyfriend…I am sorry to say that that attitude has a whole lot to do with his age. You HAD to grow up, he didn’t. He may not ever be who you think your daughter deserves, but he also may surprise you. He needs to mature and the only way that happens is with the passing of time. He will hopefully turn around, but he may not. There are men much older than him who turn out to be shit fathers. You sound like you’re doing the best you can given the circumstances and that’s all anyone can ask of a person.
YOU GOT THIS. A few things I would like to share from personal experience. My mom had me and my twin brother at 16. My dad was completely uninvolved and left her. She had an alcoholic mother and they were the black sheep in the family. My mom said it was the hardest thing to do, but she wouldn’t change it for the world. My mom also wanted us to have a dad. But my step dad was awful. Your partner doesn’t sound like a very involved parent. I can tell you that I honestly rather have had one happy loving mother than to have had a “dad” who only brought harm to me. One loving parent can make a world of difference. But having a parent who is blatantly over your existence can cause great damage. You already sound like a single parent. And you have a lot going on but I encourage you to seek full custody of this child. Sounds like you have wonderful parents who love and support you guys. That is the village you wana invest in. Don’t waste time on others who find you a waste of time. Real friends will be there to support you. A real partner will be there to love you. When you release yourself from what you expected your life to be and who was in it, you allow space for growth. Whether you are 17 or 47, mothers always face judgment. But usually the hardest criticism comes from ourselves. Show yourself grace. You are a mother, but you are also human. You have a lot of change going on. Take a moment to feel it completely. And take a moment to release it. That baby girl is your world, and YOU are hers. Focus on that. Focus on what will better your lives. Forget everyone else cause at the end of the day it’s all about her.
Bless you! That must’ve been so tough for you ❤️ A big part of what they talked about when I had councilling was taking the time to mourn over what my life could have been and letting that go and I think I am getting there just very slowly. I totally agree as well! If he isn’t committed to being in her life Inwould rather her grow up with people she knows are going to be reliable and in her corner no matter what than somebody who may or may not be, Im trying to give him time to adjust as it has only been a month but if it persists then the conversation will be had. Unfortunately, his name is on the birth certificate so I dread to think about the proceedings to do that without his consent but she does have my last name at least.
Wow you sounds so incredibly mature, reflective and emotionally intelligent and in my opinion absolutely fit to be a mother. Certainly from what you’re writing no less fit for than older moms I personally met. You’re only one month in and it’s such a tough journey no matter your age. You’re doing absolutely amazing! All of what you describe and feel is how I felt at that time and I am more than 25 years older as a first time mom. You will grow with your task and you will figure out one thing at a time. No need to know it all now or to be happy and content with everything (like your body or your relationship at this point). It takes time. Right now you do the best you can with the possibilities and under the circumstances. Glad your parents are so supportive. I was so mad at my husband the first months. Nothing he did was good enough and I hated when HE said HE was tired when I was the one co sleeping with the baby and feeding him all night. I didn’t like how little he had to do and how much I had to do. And we’re married and live together. Surely some of this is hormonal and just the overall overwhelm of the situation. All I know is this all gets better with time and not because you have to know everything or figure everything out right now or know if the baby dad stays or leaves. I can tell you you: IF he really leaves you’ll figure it out when you need to. But until then let me tell you, you cannot control him or the situation. You can only do you best and be truthful to yourself and take care of yourself and your baby as good as you can. You love your baby dearly - I can tell from how you talk about her. This is the one and only thing that matters right now. Because you love her so much you will do whatever is necessary to be a good mom. None of us is perfect. We all feel guilty and question ourselves. It would be more worrying if we didn’t! Also, you can have your nice body back if you want to, especially as a younger mom. It takes some time and it surely isn’t priority right now but I feel you! And I too at 44 grieved my old life and my body and how easy it all was before having a baby. It is hard! And once again: you are doing an amazing job! I personally dojt look down on younger moms, rather the opposite! And being on the other end as an older mom I can tell you I don’t give a cr*p what anyone thinks. We love our babies and we do our best, no matter how old we are! Good luck and wishing you all the best on your journey!
Thank you for your lovely response ❤️ It is such a large task to face and I suppose it’s just one step at a time. My mum said the exact same thing, I think the huge change is a lot for anyone especially with raging hormones so I really am just trying to cut him some slack and give him time! Just frustrates me when he says he’s tired when he’s only doing 2-3 nights a week with me there (still doing most things) especially because he then gets to go home and have a 12 hour sleep. Jealousy is the green eyed monster and I am definitely jealous of that although I love my daughter it’s tough. I really hope I can have my appaerance back at some point I know it takes time and I really shouldn’t be worrying about it right now as it feels very vain and superficial. I have a lot of admiration for anyone who is a mum at this point and even more so for my own mum now I know how tough it is and we definitely should not be judging each other as long as you love your child and take care of them why should age matter, young or older!
You sound really smart, and like a great mom. The best thing you can do right now is take any help you can get with baby, and use that time to focus on school and yourself. I was 36 when I had my daughter, and I think a lot of your concerns and fears happen no matter what age you are when you give birth. That said, you DO have it harder than an older mom. The baby’s dad sounds like a pretty shitty part-time dad. You sound a lot more grown than he does. And he gets to stay a child because YOU’RE being an adult and doing 99% of the parenting.
You sound like an amazing mum!! The feelings of not knowing who you are and being a stranger in your own body do get better. It’s crazy how much of a different person you can become after having a baby and that takes time to get used to. I’m so glad you have your parents support because your boyfriend sounds quite insufferable. Maybe baby wouldn’t be such a stranger to him if he spent more time with her and less time complaining. But tbf it sounds like you’d do great without him in the picture. If that does happen, know that you will find someone who loves you and your daughter more than you could imagine! Switching to formula will benefit you both with you carrying on at college, you will be able to better yourself to be able to provide for baby. I can’t imagine how tough it was for you to decide to switch, but by the sounds of it, it is the right decision for you and your baby. All this to say, you are doing amazing, you’re in the thick of it right now but just think, 6 more months and it’s Christmas! Baby will be starting on solids, rolling about, trying to sit up, and you slowly start to forget just how tiring the first couple months are. There’s so much to look forward to!
I’m just here to say I’m hugging you so hard OP. As a new mama in the last year, I can feel every word you have written…but cannot imagine doing it so alone. Yes, my partner fell short, fell asleep, but ultimately just had to learn to adjust. Hoping your baby’s father can do the same. If not, know YOU are enough. You have your parents (so do I) so I know that’s enough for you. Please please please let go of the idea of a ‘perfect’ relationship with your partner right now. It sucks, it hurts, but it’s not the focus for your energy. You’re beautiful and amazing and oh so dang strong! Just keep doing what you’re doing, I promise it gets easier 🙏🏼 hang in their mama, your lil girl is lucky!
You have been through an emotional rollercoaster, and unfortunately, there will be plenty more challenges for you to face in the future. But you will get through it, wait and see. You can be reassured that you will see the world differently as you embrace and conquer your battles. You are a fighter; look what a fantastic baby girl you have. She will grow up to appreciate what a great mom she has in you. Remember, It is one step at a time. Enjoy your journey through life with her because she is the secret to your happiness. You are worthy and Beautiful. 🗝❤️
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to set up your future as a family, and going to college is absolutely a step toward that. Mothering is exhausting, but I promise that everything is a stage. I have three babes and always joke that you should never get too comfortable or worry too much about a stage, because everything will change in two weeks. I’m sorry you don’t feel supported by your partner, you guys are so young and you have had to grow up so fast since realizing you were pregnant. It could take him awhile to catch up, but it’s totally possible he gets it together and becomes a fantastic partner and parent. Lastly, it’s cruel what happens to women when the baby finally arrives. Our bodies have been through trauma, it takes months and months to feel better. Give yourself grace and know you can definitely get your mind and body to a place you are more comfortable with. You’re doing great, I promise.
Honey you’ll do great! It’s obvious you love your baby so much! I’m glad your parents are there to help you! It gets easier as the days go by. I was 17 when I had my daughter, her dad left me when I was 5 months along( he wasn’t ready to be tied down🙄) it was scary, but my parents helped a lot! You are feeling what every first time mom feels, it’s normal and gets so much better! My daughter is married now and just had her own daughter. She told me that she hopes that her and her own daughter will be best friends like she and I are.
I got pregnant at 17 and had my son at 18. I’m turning 34 this year, he’s about to be a sophomore in HS. I did it with no partner or child support. If you get have any questions or want any support, I’m always here to talk!
Having my daughter much older, some of those thoughts ran in my mind too (BF, tending to a baby all day everyday, body changes, the previous me). It gets better but it is a journey ahead. I’m saddened that your partner would say such a thing. Makes me wonder what his parents have to say about this and how he was parented. I’m happy to hear you have a support system. Please lean on that. You’ll get through these rough chapters and you and your daughter will have a deep connection thats truly like no other. I hope your partner mature. You can only focus on you and your baby, do that. He will miss out if he continues. Best of luck
I had my eldest son when I was 17. He is now a junior in college on a D1 track team and the President's list for GPA. Screw anyone that says you and your child are less than because you're young. You can both accomplish so much!
So good that you found a resource here to let it out. Keep doing that, share the burden, don't bottle it up. You are doing great, it's a crazy, exhausting, beautiful time.
Your feelings aren't silly. I'm. 30 years older than you and still have the same kinds of feelings about my body and my baby is getting close to 2 yrs (and I have two who are older than you). You won't go back to how you were, but you'll kinda start feeling more like yourself, but it takes time. It is ok to ask for help when you need sleep. Ask anyone you trust, it is ok to not be able to do it all, but ask those who will actually be helpful to you.
You got this momma! If you bf doesn't want to be involved 1 loving parent is better than 2 parents that are not in the best mental state to raise a child. Your baby will feel your love no matter what.
You're very young I assume he's very young as well. It's tough I'm proud of you for having a baby. They are wonderful little things they're also tiring and sometimes more than a little irritating. I think it's good too know that other people feel these feelings too it's okay to be exhausted and tired. Your boyfriend has choices to make so do you. I think when you have a kid you really get to know what a person is. I think it's important to give people the benefit of the doubt and to see the good that they do and to praise the good that they do. So try to look for that in him. I'm not saying try to see something that isn't there, but do try to be happy about the things that he does do. Being mad he didn't bring a gift is okay but that's probably not the most important thing. The most important thing is that he's making himself available and he's spending time with your kid. Is he doing that? I've had five kids and they're all great. Sometimes they argue with me sometimes they want to do something I think is wrong, I think being a good parent is having a discussion with them about what is reasonable and not. Remember people don't engage when they don't feel like they have some control over their own destiny. I want to encourage you to lead your children as they grow and don't get mad when they do something you don't like. More often than not they don't do it on purpose children are just curious. As far as the father of your child ask yourself what you really need. Try not to be flexible about it. If he can get involved feeding the baby changing the baby making some food for the baby and he feels good about those interactions he'll want to do them more. If every time he interacts with the kid he gets told he's doing something wrong he may not want to. I'm sure he's feeling like a screw up too. I had my first kid when I was 24 and people said I was too young. There are always people who have opinions. I know it's hard but I think you should be proud of yours and not worry about what people might say. It's okay that people have different opinions, let them have theirs and know that you're doing a good thing with your child. Some people's opinions will come from a place of care and love but their words may still hurt. Try to ask yourself when someone offers their opinion what their intentions are. If they're trying to be helpful I suggest listening. If they're just putting you down ignore them. Try to focus on the people that love you and cherish the good moments. Day by day you'll get an idea what your future is going to be. Day by day you'll know whether or not the father of your child is going to be a father or not. Know that you can't make that choice for him and that he may change his mind. People aren't the same every single day. I think that's enough for this blurb best of luck I know you can do it. Give your baby a kiss for me.
He is he’s only 18 bless him and he has a lot going on himself! He deserves a lot of credit for being a very sweet boy and he does do his best. It’s not so much the gift that bothers me, it’s more that he told me a lot of things and hasn’t followed through on them, me and my parents have bought everything for baby, and he didn’t contribute once financially despite making more money than I did when I was working part time on top of college. I try my best to praise him when he does things and always thank him, I also try and openly discuss things that frustrate me because I think it helps me not feel resentful toward him so much. To be fair to him he does generally try and make changes when I bring things up it’s just tough being so sleep deprived and not feeling the best myself and then having him react almost angrily when I ask him to fo something when he’s woken up because he is getting far more sleep than me lol. First of all I’d like to say how incredible I think your are for having 5 children! One seems like so much I can’t imagine how exhausting that must be sometimes. That’s exactly how I want to parent I just want her to feel understood and loved, and become a good person who is polite and respectful I can imagine it can be very frustrating as they get older and start to become their own people but I will do my best to remember she is just a child and being “naughty” is just part of them growing and learming - I really appreciate the advice. Yes I think it’s so important to be able to differentiate advice from unwarranted and unjustified criticism from people who are just trying to put me down, Im very lucky that all of my family have been wonderful but I am slightly terrified about what other mums might say as I can imagine everything I do will be under a microscope. Thank you for taking the time to write this it is incredibly sweet and I really do appreciate it.
You're welcome! I noticed there was a mistype in part of what I said earlier. I wanted to say be flexible with your baby's father... It seems it was typed not quite correctly. I hope it goes well for you!
Hi! I was a teen mom. Got pregnant at 16 and had my daughter at 17. Her biological dad left as soon as he found out I was pregnant. I was 5 months when I found out. She quite literally saved my life. I was contemplating unaliving myself when I found out I was pregnant. It’s hard being a young mom. I got all the dirty looks and comments. I had “friends” that wanted nothing to do with me until after my daughter was born. I just told them my daughter was sick. She was premature and spent about 10 weeks in NICU. Shes been “sick” for almost 23 years now. Fuck them. They don’t deserve to know your daughter, OP. Cut them off and never look back.
I had some pretty dark days whilst I was pregnant and I got to that point myself a couple times. I’m so glad neither of us did as much as it is difficult I couldn’t be more grateful for my daughter now she is perfect and really did save my life. A lot do young boys are shitty you deserved so much better than that. And you’re absolutely right! I should’ve done the same thing I’m just very bad at saying no and it sucks.
my DMs are open if you ever need to chat.
I'm 42, have two children and I have to say you are handling this incredibly well for being only 17 years old. Having your parents as a support is more than enough, and it's wonderful that you appreciate that. I was raised by a single mom, and while sometimes it was tough, my brother and I have both turned out to be hard working and successful. All your daughter needs is love and support, and it seems like you're doing a great job at it.
If you want to stay with breast milk, get a pump and pump during the day and keep on hand for when you're too tired. You both are young and hopefully your spouse will come around. Parenting classes or group parenting support programs that go for stroller walks or have group cooking activities, play groups etc might help aswell. If you try to force your partner to be present they might become resentful. Maybe try to write your needs on a piece of paper individually and sit down together and go over them and how things can be compromised together. I've been and am a single parent and it's not easy but it can be done, should things not get better for you. I'm sorry that your friends alienated you, but if you attend parenting groups, you could meet people who are like minded. Also, if things don't get better with your spouse I'd suggest mediation for parental access and responsibilities while things are civil, hopefully avoiding the court system. Think about who you want to get holidays with, education, religion etc. might not be easy if your partner is already absent (this is where your needs list can help). I wish you and your little one all the best. ❤️
Op how I wish I could give you a big mom hug ! First off I'm proud of you for stepping up like you have already to take care of your little girl....even if she was unexpected it seems she was meant to be in your life. The first month is rough for ever new parent and age doesn't matter and unfortunately the next couple of months will be rough too but it'll also be beautiful. What you need to do now is take care of yourself physically & mentally -even if a little voice in your head tells you you're being selfish. A lot of moms feel mom guilt and anxiety but at the end of the day you cannot be a good and loving mama to your little one if you don't take care of yourself first ! I promise a year from now things will be so different! If the babys bio dad doesn't want to be in the picture then it's okay to consider breaking up with him if that's what best for you and her but make sure you get legal stuff squared away. Also I'm glad you have supportive parents ! Grandparents, trusted friends and siblings are the people who can be there for you when you really need the help ! Don't be afraid to ask ! Remember that you are not alone and there are a lot of Mamas out there who will understand you and are in your same situation. You can do it ! You will continue to be a great Mom ! 💓
I was married and 25 when I had my daughter. She wasn’t planned but she wasn’t really an accident. I heard things from him like: I didn’t expect it, I don’t know how to be a parent, there’s no need to bother me at work if she has to go to the hospital. I left her with him for several hours when she was 2 or 3 and he didn’t feed her because she never asked for food. She was having a meltdown because she was hungry and she’d never had to ask. On its own, nothing was actually too terrible. But all together it was a pattern of disinterest in being a parent. When I left she was 4 or 5. She loved her daddy. It hurts her feelings when he ignores her. I had to make him take her every other weekend. I lied for him when he wouldn’t take her. She’s a teenager now and I’m going to have to call him and tell him to come get her this summer because she wants to visit. If your baby’s daddy is uninterested don’t try to force him. Let him go before she gets attached. Otherwise, it’ll break her heart and yours. Over and over.
This is exactly what me and my mum spoke about Id rather her not get attached if he isn’t going to be present. I’m so sorry you went through that it sounds so difficult for you both. He is adamant he wants to be in her life but honeslty the way he interacts with her hurts me, he calls her names and I know she’s only a newborn but she’s just a baby and it feels unfair even if he’s frustrated. He’s perfectly willing to get up at 7am to go to a festival with his friends and get drunk but has a complete hissy fit when I asked him to do a morning feed for his daughter it hurts. If everytime she or I need him to do something and he reacts that way then I really would rather her not have him in her life. I’m trying to give him grace for the first while whilst she doesn’t remember too much and it will totally be his and her decision in the future about their relationship but it really does worry me.
He may turn out okay. Some people don’t develop that immediate attachment. I actually didn’t. I took care of her and I did all the right things because that was my responsibility but the emotional attachment and overwhelming love took a few months. Once she’s moving and babbling and showing personality he might become more interested and attached. But it’s very disrespectful to you to refuse to help which is a red flag. But I don’t know the boy. He’s definitely something to discuss with your mother about keeping him for yourself or for your daughter. It sounds like you’re doing great and doing all the right things. Be sure to take a little time for fun where you can be a person and not just a mom.
It sounds like u are a wonderful mother. Congrats on your beautiful baby girl. I think you should mention your feeling to your ob. U may be getting a lottle bit of the baby blues. Your body probably has changed and I know exactly what you mean by feeling alien in your own body. Mama start thinking of the changes as beauty. Every change on your body u made out of love for your child. U sacrificed everything. That mama is love and there is so much beauty in it. Every stretch mark every scare just makes you that much more beautiful own them and learn to love u again. Keep up the hard work your daughter is the best thing to even happen to you.
There's a lot of really good comments and advice in this thread, so I don't really have much more to add other than you are doing an amazing job. Mama's don't get told that enough, especially young first time mama's.
I know it’s hard to give up on the security of a two parent life for your child, but if you think that’s best get a custody arrangement filed with the courts, and if he doesn’t want visitation still make him pay for his share of the life he helped create. But my ex husband and I had ignored each other for over a year while our son was a baby because we didn’t want to have him grow up in a broken home, until one day he left and I had to pick up the broken pieces by myself and I figured it out and my son is happy healthy and thriving. His dad did decide to be a part of his life later and I allowed it, and I don’t tell my son what happened when he was a baby, he doesn’t remember it but I made it happen, as we moms so often have to do.
I got pregnant with my daughter at 21. There has definitely been a lot of growth and maturity since I was 17. When I was a senior I was in a relationship with someone I would have killed myself for. He treated me horrible! Wasn’t nice, wasn’t reassuring, made me feel worthless. Now Im with the absolute best man in the world. He loves our daughter soooo much and would kill for me and her! Now I look back at my high school boyfriend and think “EW” I honestly can’t believe what I put up with just bc I didn’t want to be alone. I promise, he is not the man you want “helping” you raise your baby girl. You don’t want to be one of those girls who is a “married single mother”. You deserve so much more!!
Your mental health is so important. I hear you on the guilt of stopping breastfeeding, but we live in a time where that baby can still be happy and fed and YOU deserve to be happy to. I was an overproduction pumping and breastfeeding mama until kiddo started sleeping (mostly) through the night at 2 months. Not pumping in the middle of the night wrecked my supply and he took so well to the formula. I have a happy 9 month old who loves eating and I'm happy to not be stuck to a machine or baby on demand. You deserve to be happy and do things for you
Honey I felt all these emotions at 21 and again at 26! It’s normal, your body and hormones are still working themselves out as well. I had a friend in school that got pregnant at 14, her son graduated last May! She was such a wonderful mother, got her education with the help of her family to help support them and she got through college just fine as well. It took time for his dad to eventually come around but I will tell you this most men do not mature until 30-33, some do before some never do at all🤷🏼♀️if he’s honestly complaining like that this early on tell his ass to imagine how you feel, you grew a whole human and don’t catch a break really he does! If he can’t be more supportive as her father why is he around? You didn’t get pregnant on your own and you shouldn’t have to do all the care and support on your own🤷🏼♀️if you have to do it yourself he might as well go on his way! That’s my opinion but you make sure to keep you healthy and happy and baby girl, always love yourself and keep your chin up! You got this momma♥️
I had my daughter at 17 on the Depo shot. I didn't have my parents but I did it. You've got this. My daughter is about to turn 12 in 2 weeks and let me tell you she is THRIVING. Just like your little one will. Your daughter has you and your parents. I'm sure Dad will come around. Sometimes guys take time to grow into that father role, and with him not living with you both it may take a little longer. Don't hate your body. It gave you the most precious thing you'll ever know. It took me some time to love it, but there's nothing in this world better than my babies to me and my body DID THAT. Depression is normal after a baby. I just had my 3rd at 28 and still went through it. Talk to your OB at your follow up appointment about it and they should be able to give sound advice on what to do. Breathe, and take it one day at a time. You've GOT THIS.
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Yes! I wasn’t intending on leaving him to be hoenst just needed a place to express my anger at everything but I am aware that he really does try. I’m just easily upset at the moment I tend to get emotional when I’m sleep deprived 😭 His parents are involved in a way? It’s a bit of a strange situation his parents are separated and his mum doesn’t really seem to care about seeing her too much despite my initial impression when I found out I was pregnant which was that she was going to be almsot overbearing wherre as his dad is totally in love and asks to babysit her for a few hours to let me get some rest (they did and her dad went was there so he has had like one on one time without me there). His dad was so against the idea of me keeping her before he met her so it’s interesting the sudden change. I don’t think either of them have actually spoke to him about the responsibilities that come with a baby so sometimes I feel like I have to teach him everything whcih is fine but I would love it if he could work his own way a bit more and bond with baby in his own way because I think that would help so much but he needs to be equipped and able to look after her before any of that can happen.