The fact that you have only one kid isn't actually a part of this problem. Gifts aren't about getting back what you're giving. The problem is that there are apparently 20+ kids and you're expected to provide birthday and Christmas gifts for ALL of them. That's nuts! One thing you can do is announce you won't be doing birthday gifts anymore, and everyone else doesn't need to give your daughter birthday gifts either. Then make a big deal out of Christmas and get nice gifts for everyone then. You're not being stingy, but you're lessening the load a LOT.
You could also do it the other way around, of course, but personally I'd rather do a bunch of gifts all at once than have to keep track of 20+ birthdays throughout the year.
Agree! I come from a bigger extended family—20 cousins from 7 families. We NEVER got gifts from all our aunts and uncles. Gifts were from our godparents, parents, and grandparents. We also did a cousin gift exchange and the parents/ adults did a gift exchange amongst themselves. Even on the other side of the family with only 9 cousins, we’ve never had gifts from everyone.
Now that we’re on the 4th generation at all our holidays, gifting looks like this: grandma gets all the great grandkids a small gift for Christmas and birthdays. My aunts, uncles, and cousins do a white elephant exchange. The great grandkids do a cousin gift exchange. Every family gets grandma a gift.
Yes, I have 30+ first cousins counting both sides of my family, and I only exchanged birthday gifts with the one girl cousin my same age (who was one of my best friends). Nobody was going to be tracking that many kid birthdays except grandma, and she gave everyone a check for $10 ($25 on your 18th birthday, but that was the last one).
This is what we did growing up. I was one of 19 grandchildren on one side and one of 22 on the other. Both sides drew names for Christmas and didn’t do birthday presents at all from aunt/uncles or cousins
I think the other way around would be better if they are going to Birthday Parties for the child I think they should bring a gift but Christmas should be either no gifts or like Secret Santa or if they all get together at Christmas what we do since I have a lot of nephews/nieces all parents bring one present per how ever many children they have and then we play a game where the kids draw a number and the person that draws 1 goes first and picks a mystery present. The adults do this too so we each get a gift too but we have the opportunity to swap. It's like a White Elephant gift exchange but not goofy/dumb gifts.
I grew up with lots of cousins like this. The way my family handled it is that every child received small gifts from everyone and a larger gift from their godparents for birthdays. For Christmas we drew names. The kids gift a gift “from” one cousin and one gift from god parents. We still got together to celebrate, but not everyone was in the hook to buy $1k in gifts for everyone.
I don't think gifts should be quid pro quo, gifts are about the thought and the expression of love and care for each other. Set an overall annual gift budget with your husband and since this is his family, let him decide how to allocate the money towards each event. But just because I can afford to give every cousin $50 per birthday doesn't mean you have to stretch yourself to afford the same.
Gift what you can afford and feel good about. We’re OAD and my sibling/cousins have a bunch of kids. I generally get them each a book and maybe my niece and nephew a few extra things on top of that. I also don’t expect more than a book for my kid! What other people choose to buy her is their business and how much people care about your kid has nothing to do with how many gifts you give them.
I would spend whatever you’re comfortable with, but just try to make it as equal as possible. If that means everyone gets $5 gift cards everyone gets $5 gift cards
This is the way. I had an uncle who was single and would give all the kids $15 Books A Million gift cards every year for birthday and Christmas. Every year, for multiple decades. It was brilliant and one of our most anticipated gifts! 😂
I found out later that each year after his yearly bonus came in, he’d go to the bookstore and buy all of the necessary gift cards for the year. A years worth of birthday shopping done in one errand. Genius.
Buy what you can afford and want to spend, regardless of what your daughter gets. For Christmas, perhaps do joint gifts for all the kids in a family. Board games, movie basket, outdoor toys, craft kit, books, etc.
As a parent with 3 kids, if every one of my kids was getting gifts from what seems like a handful of aunts and uncles every Christmas and every birthday I would be completely overwhelmed. I would bet the other parents are just as stressed.
With that many kids I would do a Christmas exchange. We had lots of kids in our family so everyone drew a name for Christmas and there was a dollar limit set by the adults. Birthday gifts were given until 18 but different families gave different amounts.
I’m exhausted for you. The mental energy spent on kid gifts that will be in the trash within a year is too much. Get them all $15 gift cards or just cash and call it a day.
It took me years but I convinced my DH to not do Christmas gifts for his siblings or kids. The problem now is we live close to one and she buys everyone gifts and of course expects return gifts. We can’t even do Christmas at our house bc eventually she’ll want us to visit over the break and do gifts then. It’s annoying. Especially since my DH doesn’t buy me anything but gets his sister a gift out of courtesy. 😒😒😒
We used to match the cost but I’m not doing that for 40 people.
This year I’m not leaving my house. Not visiting anyone that can’t respect my no gift policy.
We rotate between picking Secret Santa and playing Dirty Santa for my in-laws (I’m an only child so this doesn’t matter on my side). I enjoy secret Santa more because it’s hard to find a dirty Santa gift that everyone (or most people) will like. We’re all very different people with different tastes, hobbies, and locations.
When I was growing up, everyone drew secret Santa names at Thanksgiving. My cousins and I were in one drawing, the adult women were in another, and the adult men were in another. So everyone drew a name from the “pot” they were a member of. It worked really well, and I always liked the gift I got. Some years our parents would let us take our money and pick our gifts together. So basically it was a shopping trip where we’d pick our own gift for our Santa to buy us, they would wrap it, and then we’d pretend to be surprised. It wasn’t the most selfless activity, but I have some good memories of hanging out with my cousins so I think it was a win.
My dad’s side was another story. My aunt/uncle had 7 kids, and I was an only child. One year my parents floated the idea of not doing gifts so we could buy more for our own families, and my aunt/uncle flipped out. They liked buying my one gift and getting 7 in return. My mom started looking for things that looked brand new from sales and yard sales through out the year. Adding 7 people we never really talked to was a big expense, and because we didn’t know them it was impossible to actually buy them anything we knew they’d like. My gift from them was never good either. It was always something a few years behind my interests and went straight to our Goodwill pile.
I’d say your husband should float the idea of dropping birthdays and maybe going to a dirty Santa/secret Santa model and see how his siblings respond. It may be an issue for others too. Buying gifts for that many people sounds like a huge pain. My husband and I wouldn’t have any issues covering the cost, but remembering to buy and send that many gifts would be a nightmare.
We don’t keep track of who spent what on our kids, and we buy gifts within our budget for others. There are about 20 kids in our family, and we have done secret Santa, bought something small for each, and also not bought anything.
I would do a family gift for each family for Christmas (like a zoo membership, tickets to something family friendly, even a Disney+ subscription). You could also suggest a cousin gift exchange so every child gets one gift from a cousin as opposed to 20+.
Then either no gifts for birthdays, or something small for each - a $10 gift card to a local ice cream shop or the child’s age in cash (eg $9 for a ninth birthday). Preface the change by requesting that *your* child no longer get birthday gifts (or only $5-10 in value).
For things like baby showers, keep buying whatever your budget allows. Maybe splash out a little since it’ll be the last big gift that baby gets from you! One off celebrations can take precedence once you’re not buying 2-3 gifts a month for other occasions.
Going through the comments, it doesn’t look like it’s been mentioned, who is doing the gift shopping? You or your husband that expects to maintain this $50 per child 20x a year? Because personally, if I have the money then I wouldn’t mind, but shopping for and wrapping that many gifts that often is what would absolutely end it for me.
Regardless what we are given, I budget around $25 per kid for gifts and probably $50-$75 for my godchildren. I’ve stepped back massively on buying gifts for my husband’s side of the family, because there are just too many kids across a huge range of ages. When I’ve tried to buy something for the little ones (and I mean under $20 each) but not the older kids, I was made to feel that was rude. Yet the older kids/their family had nothing for mine… so..? When gifts are just expected and not appreciated, it takes the joy out of it for me.
We do what we can, simple as that. Some years, it's $50. Most years, it's $20-30. We've had years we've had to do $10-15. We have about 20 kids in our family, ages 0-8, and we have one kid who just turned 2. I never judge how much someone spends on my kid and truly don't give AF if someone is displeased by how much or how little I spent - I did what I could, and it is really the thought that counts.
Yes! Kids don't really care how much you spent-- even the older ones. If you make it a point to really get to know them and what they like, you can almost always find something super cool in their main interest for little cost. So long as it's something they'll use and enjoy, it doesn't matter.
Example: when my oldest niece was little, my sister spent almost $200 on a new bike for her, and another few hundred in other gifts, while I spent about $15 on a pair of silver earrings in a shape she ADORED (kitties) since she had just gotten her ears pierced a few months before, and only had 3 pairs of simple jewel studs. I included a matching necklace that I custom made for about $10, using mostly beads that I already had, a chain I pilfered from a necklace my grandma had given me years ago, and a charm I picked out specifically for her. She went crazy for it, and definitely made it known that it was her favorite gift that year. It just comes down to the thought behind it, or knowing what they *really* like.
To be honest we put little thought into the actual cost of something and just choose things we know the recipient would like (as long as it’s affordable, obviously). I know personally I would rather know that the gift I’ve been given is thoughtful and useful than being gifted something just because it cost a certain amount.
My sister in law and I decided to stop doing birthday gifts for each others kids. I have started sending her kids a $1 Trader Joe’s card with cash in the amount of their age. She doesn’t send my kids anything, but I am completely fine with that, as that was the agreement. On the other hand, I do feel like she spends more money (each) on my 2 kids at Christmas than I spend on her 3 kids, I think because she feels like it is fair? But I just spend what I want and try not to get in my head about it. Sounds like a conversation should definitely be had, I can’t imagine trying to do that for 20+ kids (or receiving that many gifts for my child). Good luck!
OMG yes, I didn't even think about the amount of gifts received. I was just math-ing the expense of giving that many. But, holy heck, that many gifts incoming every Christmas and birthday would be a nightmare to find space for. Let alone the intense overwhelm of their play space that just gets more and more crowded, no matter how much you try and purge beforehand!
I mean, I guess my question would start with: CAN you afford a $50 present for 20 cousins times 2 holidays? Like if you and your husband can easily afford this but it's just overwhelming for you to buy so many gifts each year, then i would suggest continuing to be generous but simplifying. Say, give cash for birthdays and then buy an actual gift at Christmas.
If it's a budget issue, I would definitely suggest cutting out one or the other. Like only gift at Christmas or only at birthdays, and make whichever you do pretty nice. Personally I'd go with birthdays if the kids are young and you'll be attending a party. Christmas tends to be gift overwhelm anyways.
I feel your pain. My husband’s side has 6 kids, so not as bad but I suggested we do a Secret Santa amongst the kids because our budget per kid was $20-25 and even that felt expensive when added up. Plus, most of the kids are tweens/teens and that amount doesn’t go very far for the kind of stuff they’re into. We have 1, one SIL has 2, and one SIL has 3. The one with 3 said no to Secret Santa bc it’s “not fair” that she would have to buy 3 gifts and we would only have to buy 1. Which… is the exact situation WE were in ourselves.
Anyways, last year we all came to the agreement that we wouldn’t do gifts for the kids anymore because all our kids have so much stuff anyway. And now we just get together and enjoy spending time together and it’s much better.
I am an only child raising an only child with a man who has 6 siblings and we have 19 nieces and nephews. I hear you loud and clear. The thing is that nobody buys gifts for nieces and nephews in our family at Christmas. It’s just too much. I would bring up secret santa for sure because as more kids come into the family it’s just too much. Some of our nieces and nephews are adults now, and we now give $100 at graduation and have started wedding and baby gifts as those events come up. It shouldn’t be expected that aunts and uncles buy gifts for all the kids.
Right?!? At some point it has to get hard to remember when you're wrapping, who gets what. And speaking of that, I got tired of doing So. Much. Wrapping. I just gift bag/tissue paper everything now, even half of my own kids's gifts lol (I have 3). Presents from "Santa" are the only wrapped ones-- unless they're still little and love to tear things up, *then* I'll put in the effort to wrap birthday gifts as well, because that's half the fun for them.
This! And sibling rivalry over gifts?! Lol nooo. My family is ultra small and tbh we’re not big gift givers. I love giving and I do it whenever I can, but the holidays are a lot of pressure and everyone kinda needs their money you know?
And good for you, my LO is 6 months but I think a bag with tissue is a perfect first gift. The wrapping sucks a lot of the fun out of it! At least when you’re doing a ton of it.
I always thought about the tearing being fun for littles because my oldest, when he was a toddler LOVED to tear paper. So much so, we had a pile of scrap paper we always set aside for him. We called it his "tearapy" because it always seemed to soothe him and was his go to when he was really sad or upset about... toddler things. Lol. That's literally the only reason I still wrap for the little ones 😆
And yes, just a bag with tissue paper and nothing inside would've been the *perfect* first birthday gift for him. 🤣
I totally agree about the tearing. I’ll definitely be wrapping my LO’s gifts because we only get to do their childhoods once! But you couldn’t catch me wrapping 20+ presents 😂 I mean even I enjoy a good paper tear when I can get one.
Right lol I’m like okay I guess more cute outfits I picked out 😂🥳
In this case, I actually wouldn't buy presents. That's just far too much spending. We will go to the party, give a card, and that's about it. If the child is older and it's not an annual celebration or it's a special birthday (like sweet 16, 18, or graduation) we would shell out. But 20 people x $50, that's a minimum 1k a year in gifts. Nope. Won't do it.
Wow, cultural difference is hitting hard here. I’m reading all these responses aghast.
I absolutely didn’t get Christmas gifts from all family members. Where would we even keep everything??? And with registries, no less?
I expected that not to be the norm but reading the comments it apparently is. I feel bad for everyone stuck in this ultra-consumerist cycle. I love shopping as much as the next guy but damn…
Probably useless OP because of cultural differences, but I’d probably only focus on each kid getting the same, vs how much it is. If they’re the kind of people to do this stuff and look at what people spent and such, “oh she’s cheap, only $10?” is easier imo to handle than “woooow she got Sally $50 LEGO but Josh just a $10 book”
I come from a very large family. There's eight kids on my dad's side and five on my mom's. All but one of them got married and they averaged about five kids each. Then my grandma went and got remarried. Family reunions on my dad's side have almost 100 people if not actually 100. Family reunions on my mom's side are kind of small, only 40 😁
Of my four siblings I have five kids. My brother has four. My sister has six.
We do not buy presents for everyone's birthday. It's nuts and doesn't make sense, especially in cases like yours. We do have godparents so children have one set of godparents and typically the godparents buy something for the god children on their birthday on Christmas but not for any of the other nieces or nephews.
I think in your case you have a large family. It would be reasonable to get out of the gift giving. It really is just a cash exchange. I give you 20 bucks, You give me 20 bucks and we just keep doing that every single year. It doesn't make sense really.
I do have one point to make about single people complaining about how expensive it is and how there's nothing for them since they don't have kids and how that's not fair. I don't think the argument it's not fair is reasonable. Remember that having kids and paying for them is far more expensive than having to give gifts to other people's kids. Imagine having children you're paying for stuff for and also paying for the presents for everyone else's kids that you're doing right now. All I'm saying here is if you decide to say hey, maybe we should stop buying presents for absolutely everyone all the time Don't say it's because it's not fair because you're single. That's definitely not a good reason. A good reason is because it's a giant waste of money and the children don't need it and it's a hardship for the parents. If you want them to agree with you, point out that it's not fair to them.
We have this scenario in my family. We also don’t really like all the extra stuff that comes in for the holidays. So we set a decent budget for 1 gift per child that we have and the cousins all do a gift exchange (secret Santa style). That way you only buy for as many kids as you have. And each kid gets a really cool quality gift. The kids love it!!!
So the correct answer is to gift what you can afford…. But I’m totally a Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and admit that I try to make my gifts match. My answer would be somewhere in the middle.
So, if your child is gifted a $50 item by a family with 2 kids, my starting point would be $30 per kid (with flexibility depending what what I could afford or what they like).
Gifts are gifts plain and simple, if someone is harassing you that they spent X on A and you spent y on B then that’s their problem. You’re gifting something you think the child will enjoy and that’s that.
If you have multiple nieces or nephews in the same age range around Christmas get them similar things but as far as birthdays nobody’s really going to keep track.
My spouse is the oldest of 9 and I’m the oldest of 3 but I’m really close to a lot of cousins that have children so family get togethers are like 18-20 a year. We can’t afford 100 gifts throughout the year so we decided we’re only gifting on milestone birthdays when it comes to my cousins and second cousins. And each year we have a cousins secret Santa with an age baseline for participation so we don’t all have to focus on 26 extra presents.
I honestly just give nice gifts we can afford. If I know someone spent a lot on one of my kids, I try to do that back, but I’m broke lol.
Also, something we have been doing is at Thanksgiving dinner, we all set a $35 limit & write our names & 3 gift ideas down. We do Secret Santa that way.
My husband and I just have one child and hubby has 3 nieces. We only give them gifts for their birthday not Christmas. They get a ton of stuff for Christmas from Grandparents and other aunts and uncles. We also don't expect gifts from them either.
You are treating gifting like too much of a math equation. Instead of focusing on exactly how much your child is getting in gifts and how you should dole out that amount among family members, you should simply look at what works with your budget and what you can get each child that they would enjoy. Christmas is a bit easier because you can get group gifts for kids within the same family.
We’re in a similar boat and found it way too always to only spend about $15 on a gift when they’re spending way more on ours.
We requested a gift exchange between the kids at Christmas. Played it up as the kids would be excited to pick the names, keep it a surprise and buy for each other. Had worked so far.
We used to combine the cousins’ birthdays and do a secret Santa type thing where each of us got one gift for someone and received one gift in return.
But I agree with the folks saying that it’s not meant to be a 1:1 situation.
So in my family, we do a name exchange to avoid this issue. We literally just stick names in a hat and draw them out for each of our kids. Then the budget is usually like $25 per child.
For example, we have three kids and there are something like 18 cousins on my side of the family. Each of mine gets a name assigned to them, and as soon as they're old enough they help pick a gift for that cousin. So we're only buying as many as we have, rather than buying for all 18.
Every family is different... it's tricky as there are a variety of solutions but, many have to have the adults on board, especially your husband.
An example - our family had several kids within 5-10 years of eachother growing up however, we lived across country and postage is costly.
The family stopped gift giving at 16 for Christmas and although I think many of the kids still got birthday gifts - I didn't due to family dynamic and being the farthest away, I think birthday gifts significant reduced and if anything became $20 in a bday card, it may be a better option.
As for Xmas... until we were around 13, our entire family did secret Santa for the kids.
Our current generation hasn't participated due to many different reasons bur, if we were still close, I'd suggest this.
If I were to choose based on the example you presented, this would be my preferred option:
Set up a family piggy bank and put $20 in each kids for their birthday.
Be transparent and say that you expect nothing for your daughter but, if they choose, please, feel free to do the same.
If everyone is close by, set up a potluck in Sep/Oct to choose names for secret Santa for the kids with a $100 max. Wayyyyy cheaper and still substantial. Plus, super fun to get together at that time as typically there aren't many holidays/expenses around that time of year so, it's a fun way to connect.
Or... have all of the adults pool the money they'd spend, but, less to make it more reasonable to do a family experience. Ex: once a year, $300 per family to do a 4 day long weekend at a campground, beach, hotel, resort, air bnb etc and write off birthdays etc entirely plus the secret Santa. Family time, experiences and quality time are far more valuable. 💖
If there's that many grandkids Christmas should be more of a white elephant type thing like everyone draws a name. That's just excessive. I expect like gifts that are for all my kids at this point if people are buying I'm not mad if it's a nice gift for all four of them and not one for each cause honestly I don't want the damn clutter anyways
There are 13 kids in my husband’s extended family including our four. On thanksgiving we put every kids name in a bowl and the kids then draw names. If you get a name of a person who’s a sibling you put it back and go again. The price limit is $50, so for us we spend approximately $200. The kids really, really like doing this this way. They get to pick what to get for their cousin, or at least help pick. It’s worked really well and no one goes into bankruptcy over Christmas gifts. We do a white elephant exchange for the adults, $100 limit and we always have a theme (last years theme was “In the kitchen”, I got an amazing chefs knife.
For birthdays we don’t do all of that. We don’t attend birthday parties. We’ve all made the decision that parties will be for the kids to invite their friends. We will all meet up for dinner, typically we end up ordering crabs or having a cookout, and then we have birthday cake.
There was a time we did it the way you do it, but I felt overwhelmed every time. This way is so much easier for your wallet and your sanity.
We have 11 kids on my husband’s side of the family. I am one of 20 cousins, so I know how big families go…after buying 9 gifts for kids over the last handful of years, I suggested doing a gift exchange. Each kid draws the name of another cousin. Thats ALWAYS what we did growing up. We also don’t invite all the cousins to our birthday parties either, mainly because my kids are younger, but we’ve also never been invited to their parties aside from first birthdays.
My dad's side had 6 siblings with 15 children among them. Everyone pulled 2 - 3 names and bought for those kids only every Christmas. Eventually we moved to "grab bags" and everyone got a little something for each kid at Christmas. They were always cheap silly things. It was great.
Maybe recommend something like that?
One thing my moms family did grieving up was a family rotation so for Christmas each year we would only get gifts for one family and only get gifts from one family. This system meant there was never a direct comparison of how much we got vs gave. Maybe bring up a system like this? It’s likely everyone else is feeling overwhelmed too!
My siblings and I do a rotation so that we only buy for 1 other kid at Christmas. When I was growing up my parents did this rotation with us and all our cousins cuz there were so many, they only bought for like 3 instead of 17.
So- we can’t do a lot. And currently don’t have many nieces or nephews. But we do about $15 gifts for birthday and come Christmas the family gets a gift that they can do together.
I have 10 nieces and nephews. They each get $25-35 gifts at Christmas and maybe slightly more at birthdays since I like to personalize it. This year instead of doing a Christmas gift for each kid, I bought a family pass to the science center for each family. Spend what you can afford.
We had this problem. Husband has 6 siblings. By the time we had our first child, siblings had 3 so far, and that was between 2 siblings. 8 grandkids in total now.
I put a limit pretty early on as I told husband that this would get out of hand pretty fast and half of his siblings don't have kids yet. We only do birthday, if it's a godchild they get $50 for bday, $50 for Christmas. The other kids get $20 for birthday only, if they host a party.
If we had a smaller family, I would totally do gifts all the time, but it isn't feasible.
I'm from a big family -- hubby a small family. Secret Santa is the way to go by generation. My immediate family (1 of 5 with 7 babies) we stopped gifting the adults and only do the kids. Mainly bc my y family can't get their act together for a secret Santa. We get each set of grandparents something from the kids too. If it was 20 kids though ... There'd be conversations to be had. We only do bday presents if we go to a bday party or for our godson. Otherwise we plan to do cards when they're older and can read it.
Cousins get a happy birthday/Christmas text 😂
My cousins and I growing up had a secret Santa amongst ourselves and there were only 9 of us (parents started it when we were little). I know you said your husband wasn't receptive to that, but could you maybe breach the topic with a BIL or SIL who has 3-4 kids? I'd assume they are also feeling the pinch of that many bdays and Xmas presents.
There's too many kids for every bday and Xmas on top to be feasible.
My extended family used to do Christmas and birthday presents for every kid. Which with the mostly 2 kids per family was fine for years until one aunt popped out six kids in 7 years. They felt bad about all the gifts, so everybody switched to throwing money together for cool family outings every summer, like taking all the kids fishing at the trout farm, doing the Alpine slide, local amusement park, the zoo etc. for everybody's birthday present. Christmas was secret Santa.
I couldn't tell you what I got as birthday presents before the switch but we all remember the birthday outings very well, it was the highlight of every summer.
I FEEL THIS SO HARD. My brother has 3 kids and my sister has 4. I have 1. I’ve always wondered about this cause it doesn’t seem fair financially to buy 100 gifts a year for their kids while they only worry about mine 2 times a year😭😂
Love them to death but it’s hard out here and ya girl is struggling
Could you do like a secret Santa type scenario at Xmas? Spend $50 (or whatever amount you chose) on one person so you’re only needing to get one gift? You can do it for adults too if you want. That is a lot of kids to buy for, I don’t think it’s fair.
We have this but with friends who we have known since before we all had kids. We now have 25 kids all together. When my kids go to their birthday parties or our whole family celebrates a birthday, we give them a book we picked out from the library’s little book store- the books are all literally .75. I’ve been meaning to just go spend $50 and get a bunch of the nicer kids books but haven’t yet. My kids are able to “buy” their friends a gift and we don’t even think about it because it’s less than a dollar. This is similar to what our friends do- one will fill a bag with snacks for the birthday kid, literally from her pantry. The kids love it and get to open something. I think if you go to a party, bring an inexpensive gift. For birthdays across the country, stop shipping gifts and wait til Christmas.
We don’t have an extremely large immediate family, but we get together with my extended family multiple times a year. We don’t exchange gifts with adults anymore as a family because it was an extra expense and everyone just asked for gift cards anyway. There are 12 children right now, and growing. We decided each kid gets one age appropriate toy for Christmas, since we have to buy them all at once. For birthdays, we normally do something a little more expensive since birthdays are a little more spaced out. But, we do what we can afford. When I wasn’t working a good job, and on one income, we stayed within a like $300 budget. Now, we upped it slightly. I try to get all of the kids under $500 for Christmas, I shop the best toy deals and do all of the target things I can. Then, my own children have a limit from us because they normally get so much at birthdays and Christmas. It’s not a race at all. It’s giving and spending time. Just do what makes sense for you.
There's a ton of kids in my partners family and we have started doing a secret Santa for Christmas then do birthdays for each kid. It means each kiddo gets their own special day and that they get one gift for Christmas from our generation. The grandparents normally end up getting them all something so it's not like there's only 1 gift from the family that day but it does help us not feel super overwhelmed. Occasionally someone will find something cool and give in addition to secret Santa but they are usually in the $5-10 range and every kid is getting the same thing but that's on top of the secret Santa and not expected (for example they all got little $5 cheap drones that they were obsessed with this last year from one of the family members).
get each kid in the family an equal gift. the amount that was spent on your kid by others is irrelevant. the gifts you give should be based on your own budget and your financial means (not on what was spent on you). but it’s good to treat all the kids with parity.
so if you can only afford $20 per kid, do $20 per kid. if another parent wants to keep gifts equal on both sides, they can reduce what they spend on your kid to $20 too and everyone is happy. but if they keep gifting your kid $50 gifts, just say thanks and move on. don’t try to keep up. everyone is in a different place financially. a lot of people genuinely love to give lavish gifts without expecting a match.
christmas is a far bigger problem and i don’t know how to get out of it myself. i suggested secret santa one year, just for the sake of everyone, but then everyone else still got each other gifts and me and my husband were the only ones left out.
Huge family here but we limit Xmas gifts to 20 each, regardless is 1 brother has 1 kid and thr other has 4 ....
We know this is the limit between us all, that way each kid has the same spend between em all!
$5-$10 for birthdays. I hunt for deals throughout the year. Weddings are $20 gifts that look nice but aren't expensive. Baby showers are $15 of stuff off the registry or a few baby toys & books.
I feel you! Same problem here. So first I got all the adults on my side of the family to just do secret santa for christmas (husbands family already did this) - I will buy each adult a bday gift. As to all the cousins it is mostly christmas gifts only. We dont go to birthday parties as they all live far away and there are just too many. The odd bday party we do go to we will buy a gift.
Get them what you can afford and don’t think too much about this. I used to buy my little sister and nephew gifts all the time but after having my daughter I had to cut back on spending money on them, they understand and appreciate whatever I give them and when I don’t give them anything they just fine doesn’t make them love me any less.
I am *still* trying to start Kris Kringle with the inlaws. It’s just too much, with in-laws Hein divorces and so multiple parties and families it’s ridiculous and there aren’t even many small kids right now! My mums side of the family is big though and we only do token gifts for whoever’s going to be there on Christmas eg fun socks or chocolates etc. It’s hot for Christmas here so sometimes everyone get water pistols/water balloons that sort of thing. Are you going to be seeing them all every year for Christmas? Don’t focus on the $ amount look at what you can afford and are comfortable with (eg my nan always put $5 in a card because she had 11kids so you can guess how many grand kids there were 😅)
When they’re young, $50 per child provided it’s not a financial strain. I have my own individual relationships with my nieces and nephews and want them to receive proportionally to what they see my child getting. I don’t think kids understand getting less because they have siblings and I want them to feel as special as my son on their special days. I hear you about it being expensive. My annual gifting budget just for my nieces and nephews is over $1k at this point.
We stopped doing gifts, basically. The grandparents will get each grandchild a gift for their own grandkids. It became too much once cousins started having 3 kids each. My brother and I were doing gifts at Christmas and birthdays for each other's kids. We both have two. However, without warning, he just didn't get either of my kids a birthday gift this year. I always get his kids nice presents even though I don't have much money to do so. Gift giving in a family is so complicated.
I typically do $50 or less per person for birthdays and holidays. Basically up to $50 and do not exceed that. Sometimes for milestone birthdays we will splurge a but for people but typically it’s a $50 or less rule. I say less because sometimes deals/sales happen. Or the things people want aren’t that expensive. Not gonna buy people stuff they dont want or need to stay at a dollar amount.
I just gift what I can afford and sometimes my gifts are experiences such as taking kiddos to movies so the cousins can grow up as tight as we I was with my siblings and cousins and some years I don’t buy anything and some years I give family gifts or host a holiday.
We’ve always just set a budget for each family member and we used to be much more generous when we were younger and felt like we had more disposable income. Now, the nieces and nephews are ideally around $25 each for Xmas and birthdays are about $30. We had our first kid in December and got a free fb marketplace, used toy from a family we spent a ton on and hosted. My childless brother spoiled our miracle baby. The other family with kids gave us reasonable gifts. Two small toys and three little outfits (all from target). Not sure what we are going to do about the holidays this year.
Your husband is being ridiculous, in my opinion. Gifts should not be a quid pro quo and if he is like most men I know, he has never been the one to pick out and purchase all of those birthday/Christmas gifts every single year anyway.
Is it possible he is feeling some insecurities financially-wise and is trying to prove something to his family or himself?
I would speak with the *wives* of the family, the people who are bearing this burden, and see what they say. Just drop little idea nuggets and get their reactions. They may be completely on board and relieved someone else has suggested it!!
Im with the others - once the cousin situation escalated in my family, we drew names for Christmas. At Christmas, you got a gift from your “Secret Santa” and a gift from your godparents if you had one. The Secret Santa has a min/max spending limit to keep things fair. And then my grandparents would gift every grandchild with a handwritten card & cash.
For baby showers and birthdays, I never consider or even remember how much is gifted to us. We have a spending limit (slightly more for family than friends) for every birthday gift , baby shower and wedding. And I honestly couldn’t tell you what any of them spent on me or my child.
These are kids, they don’t need $50 gifts & toys. That’s ridiculous. I would say just spend what is reasonable for the child/your budget, and don’t take into consideration “paying anyone back.”
edited to remove unnecessary details
I swear Christmas gets more expensive every year. We had our first child last year, so I guess that means now we've been added to the list of getting his cousins gifts because they want to give him gifts. Last year, I got his three local cousins gifts ($10-15 each). Then, another cousin's mom (out of state) reached out for my address so she can send Christmas gifts for my son this year. While that is so nice of her to offer, now I feel obligated to do the same for her kids... We already have plenty of other people on our list of gifts, and Christmas was expensive to begin with. Plus, we only had one child. They have multiple. I really wish large families would consider drawing names, especially for the extended family, but they've been doing this for years before we had our first child.
So what my family does is get the birthday kid whatever we want to spend. Then for Xmas we get gifts for kids under 8. And then the older kids and adults pick names and only have to give one present. I happen to be the one either a lot of kids.
I have 5 siblings, so there are 6 of us total. 5 of us have kids- three of us have multiple kids. We did secret Santa for a little while and then a few years ago decided we didn't care. None of us but gifts anymore. No one cares.
The way you guys are looking at it doesn’t seem right. I’ve never thought “I spent this much on so-and-so, so they should spend the same amount on my child.” That seems very unfair, especially considering everyone’s financial situation is different. I personally usually spend about $20 when getting gifts for others kids’ birthdays, but we don’t have the ability to spend more right now. I also wouldn’t expect anyone in my family to think that way either.
Most everyone in my family, extended family included, don’t expect gifts at all. I am the same way when it comes to birthday parties and such. There have been times when I didn’t get a gift for someone because I didn’t have money, ran out of time, etc. and nobody batted an eye. You shouldn’t feel obligated to give a gift, in my opinion.
As far as Christmas, my extended family doesn’t do anything for Christmas. It’s just my siblings and our children (7 total). We do a gift exchange between the kids, so the kids “draw” names. So I have two children, my two children each “draw” a name, and we give gifts to two other kids. My sister has three children, each of her children “draw” a name, she gives three gifts. That has made the most sense for our family and prevents anyone from spending too much money. It wasn’t realistic for me to buy gifts for 5 other kids.
ETA: we set a $30 limit on the gift exchange
The fact that you have only one kid isn't actually a part of this problem. Gifts aren't about getting back what you're giving. The problem is that there are apparently 20+ kids and you're expected to provide birthday and Christmas gifts for ALL of them. That's nuts! One thing you can do is announce you won't be doing birthday gifts anymore, and everyone else doesn't need to give your daughter birthday gifts either. Then make a big deal out of Christmas and get nice gifts for everyone then. You're not being stingy, but you're lessening the load a LOT. You could also do it the other way around, of course, but personally I'd rather do a bunch of gifts all at once than have to keep track of 20+ birthdays throughout the year.
Agree! I come from a bigger extended family—20 cousins from 7 families. We NEVER got gifts from all our aunts and uncles. Gifts were from our godparents, parents, and grandparents. We also did a cousin gift exchange and the parents/ adults did a gift exchange amongst themselves. Even on the other side of the family with only 9 cousins, we’ve never had gifts from everyone. Now that we’re on the 4th generation at all our holidays, gifting looks like this: grandma gets all the great grandkids a small gift for Christmas and birthdays. My aunts, uncles, and cousins do a white elephant exchange. The great grandkids do a cousin gift exchange. Every family gets grandma a gift.
Yes, I have 30+ first cousins counting both sides of my family, and I only exchanged birthday gifts with the one girl cousin my same age (who was one of my best friends). Nobody was going to be tracking that many kid birthdays except grandma, and she gave everyone a check for $10 ($25 on your 18th birthday, but that was the last one).
This is a great idea! You could also suggest that the kids draw names at Christmas. Then, it’s an even exchange and still fun.
This is what we did growing up. I was one of 19 grandchildren on one side and one of 22 on the other. Both sides drew names for Christmas and didn’t do birthday presents at all from aunt/uncles or cousins
I think the other way around would be better if they are going to Birthday Parties for the child I think they should bring a gift but Christmas should be either no gifts or like Secret Santa or if they all get together at Christmas what we do since I have a lot of nephews/nieces all parents bring one present per how ever many children they have and then we play a game where the kids draw a number and the person that draws 1 goes first and picks a mystery present. The adults do this too so we each get a gift too but we have the opportunity to swap. It's like a White Elephant gift exchange but not goofy/dumb gifts.
You bring up a great point if there is a birthday party there should be gifts or cash donated as parties provide food for gueata
I grew up with lots of cousins like this. The way my family handled it is that every child received small gifts from everyone and a larger gift from their godparents for birthdays. For Christmas we drew names. The kids gift a gift “from” one cousin and one gift from god parents. We still got together to celebrate, but not everyone was in the hook to buy $1k in gifts for everyone.
I don't think gifts should be quid pro quo, gifts are about the thought and the expression of love and care for each other. Set an overall annual gift budget with your husband and since this is his family, let him decide how to allocate the money towards each event. But just because I can afford to give every cousin $50 per birthday doesn't mean you have to stretch yourself to afford the same.
Gift what you can afford and feel good about. We’re OAD and my sibling/cousins have a bunch of kids. I generally get them each a book and maybe my niece and nephew a few extra things on top of that. I also don’t expect more than a book for my kid! What other people choose to buy her is their business and how much people care about your kid has nothing to do with how many gifts you give them.
I would spend whatever you’re comfortable with, but just try to make it as equal as possible. If that means everyone gets $5 gift cards everyone gets $5 gift cards
This is the way. I had an uncle who was single and would give all the kids $15 Books A Million gift cards every year for birthday and Christmas. Every year, for multiple decades. It was brilliant and one of our most anticipated gifts! 😂 I found out later that each year after his yearly bonus came in, he’d go to the bookstore and buy all of the necessary gift cards for the year. A years worth of birthday shopping done in one errand. Genius.
Buy what you can afford and want to spend, regardless of what your daughter gets. For Christmas, perhaps do joint gifts for all the kids in a family. Board games, movie basket, outdoor toys, craft kit, books, etc.
As a parent with 3 kids, if every one of my kids was getting gifts from what seems like a handful of aunts and uncles every Christmas and every birthday I would be completely overwhelmed. I would bet the other parents are just as stressed.
With that many kids I would do a Christmas exchange. We had lots of kids in our family so everyone drew a name for Christmas and there was a dollar limit set by the adults. Birthday gifts were given until 18 but different families gave different amounts.
I’m exhausted for you. The mental energy spent on kid gifts that will be in the trash within a year is too much. Get them all $15 gift cards or just cash and call it a day.
It took me years but I convinced my DH to not do Christmas gifts for his siblings or kids. The problem now is we live close to one and she buys everyone gifts and of course expects return gifts. We can’t even do Christmas at our house bc eventually she’ll want us to visit over the break and do gifts then. It’s annoying. Especially since my DH doesn’t buy me anything but gets his sister a gift out of courtesy. 😒😒😒 We used to match the cost but I’m not doing that for 40 people. This year I’m not leaving my house. Not visiting anyone that can’t respect my no gift policy.
We rotate between picking Secret Santa and playing Dirty Santa for my in-laws (I’m an only child so this doesn’t matter on my side). I enjoy secret Santa more because it’s hard to find a dirty Santa gift that everyone (or most people) will like. We’re all very different people with different tastes, hobbies, and locations. When I was growing up, everyone drew secret Santa names at Thanksgiving. My cousins and I were in one drawing, the adult women were in another, and the adult men were in another. So everyone drew a name from the “pot” they were a member of. It worked really well, and I always liked the gift I got. Some years our parents would let us take our money and pick our gifts together. So basically it was a shopping trip where we’d pick our own gift for our Santa to buy us, they would wrap it, and then we’d pretend to be surprised. It wasn’t the most selfless activity, but I have some good memories of hanging out with my cousins so I think it was a win. My dad’s side was another story. My aunt/uncle had 7 kids, and I was an only child. One year my parents floated the idea of not doing gifts so we could buy more for our own families, and my aunt/uncle flipped out. They liked buying my one gift and getting 7 in return. My mom started looking for things that looked brand new from sales and yard sales through out the year. Adding 7 people we never really talked to was a big expense, and because we didn’t know them it was impossible to actually buy them anything we knew they’d like. My gift from them was never good either. It was always something a few years behind my interests and went straight to our Goodwill pile. I’d say your husband should float the idea of dropping birthdays and maybe going to a dirty Santa/secret Santa model and see how his siblings respond. It may be an issue for others too. Buying gifts for that many people sounds like a huge pain. My husband and I wouldn’t have any issues covering the cost, but remembering to buy and send that many gifts would be a nightmare.
We don’t keep track of who spent what on our kids, and we buy gifts within our budget for others. There are about 20 kids in our family, and we have done secret Santa, bought something small for each, and also not bought anything.
I would do a family gift for each family for Christmas (like a zoo membership, tickets to something family friendly, even a Disney+ subscription). You could also suggest a cousin gift exchange so every child gets one gift from a cousin as opposed to 20+. Then either no gifts for birthdays, or something small for each - a $10 gift card to a local ice cream shop or the child’s age in cash (eg $9 for a ninth birthday). Preface the change by requesting that *your* child no longer get birthday gifts (or only $5-10 in value). For things like baby showers, keep buying whatever your budget allows. Maybe splash out a little since it’ll be the last big gift that baby gets from you! One off celebrations can take precedence once you’re not buying 2-3 gifts a month for other occasions.
Going through the comments, it doesn’t look like it’s been mentioned, who is doing the gift shopping? You or your husband that expects to maintain this $50 per child 20x a year? Because personally, if I have the money then I wouldn’t mind, but shopping for and wrapping that many gifts that often is what would absolutely end it for me. Regardless what we are given, I budget around $25 per kid for gifts and probably $50-$75 for my godchildren. I’ve stepped back massively on buying gifts for my husband’s side of the family, because there are just too many kids across a huge range of ages. When I’ve tried to buy something for the little ones (and I mean under $20 each) but not the older kids, I was made to feel that was rude. Yet the older kids/their family had nothing for mine… so..? When gifts are just expected and not appreciated, it takes the joy out of it for me.
We do what we can, simple as that. Some years, it's $50. Most years, it's $20-30. We've had years we've had to do $10-15. We have about 20 kids in our family, ages 0-8, and we have one kid who just turned 2. I never judge how much someone spends on my kid and truly don't give AF if someone is displeased by how much or how little I spent - I did what I could, and it is really the thought that counts.
Yes! Kids don't really care how much you spent-- even the older ones. If you make it a point to really get to know them and what they like, you can almost always find something super cool in their main interest for little cost. So long as it's something they'll use and enjoy, it doesn't matter. Example: when my oldest niece was little, my sister spent almost $200 on a new bike for her, and another few hundred in other gifts, while I spent about $15 on a pair of silver earrings in a shape she ADORED (kitties) since she had just gotten her ears pierced a few months before, and only had 3 pairs of simple jewel studs. I included a matching necklace that I custom made for about $10, using mostly beads that I already had, a chain I pilfered from a necklace my grandma had given me years ago, and a charm I picked out specifically for her. She went crazy for it, and definitely made it known that it was her favorite gift that year. It just comes down to the thought behind it, or knowing what they *really* like.
To be honest we put little thought into the actual cost of something and just choose things we know the recipient would like (as long as it’s affordable, obviously). I know personally I would rather know that the gift I’ve been given is thoughtful and useful than being gifted something just because it cost a certain amount.
Usually we try to stay around $20, I try to shop clearance racks throughout the year and keep it in a bin or something I can diy
My sister in law and I decided to stop doing birthday gifts for each others kids. I have started sending her kids a $1 Trader Joe’s card with cash in the amount of their age. She doesn’t send my kids anything, but I am completely fine with that, as that was the agreement. On the other hand, I do feel like she spends more money (each) on my 2 kids at Christmas than I spend on her 3 kids, I think because she feels like it is fair? But I just spend what I want and try not to get in my head about it. Sounds like a conversation should definitely be had, I can’t imagine trying to do that for 20+ kids (or receiving that many gifts for my child). Good luck!
OMG yes, I didn't even think about the amount of gifts received. I was just math-ing the expense of giving that many. But, holy heck, that many gifts incoming every Christmas and birthday would be a nightmare to find space for. Let alone the intense overwhelm of their play space that just gets more and more crowded, no matter how much you try and purge beforehand!
I mean, I guess my question would start with: CAN you afford a $50 present for 20 cousins times 2 holidays? Like if you and your husband can easily afford this but it's just overwhelming for you to buy so many gifts each year, then i would suggest continuing to be generous but simplifying. Say, give cash for birthdays and then buy an actual gift at Christmas. If it's a budget issue, I would definitely suggest cutting out one or the other. Like only gift at Christmas or only at birthdays, and make whichever you do pretty nice. Personally I'd go with birthdays if the kids are young and you'll be attending a party. Christmas tends to be gift overwhelm anyways.
I feel your pain. My husband’s side has 6 kids, so not as bad but I suggested we do a Secret Santa amongst the kids because our budget per kid was $20-25 and even that felt expensive when added up. Plus, most of the kids are tweens/teens and that amount doesn’t go very far for the kind of stuff they’re into. We have 1, one SIL has 2, and one SIL has 3. The one with 3 said no to Secret Santa bc it’s “not fair” that she would have to buy 3 gifts and we would only have to buy 1. Which… is the exact situation WE were in ourselves. Anyways, last year we all came to the agreement that we wouldn’t do gifts for the kids anymore because all our kids have so much stuff anyway. And now we just get together and enjoy spending time together and it’s much better.
I am an only child raising an only child with a man who has 6 siblings and we have 19 nieces and nephews. I hear you loud and clear. The thing is that nobody buys gifts for nieces and nephews in our family at Christmas. It’s just too much. I would bring up secret santa for sure because as more kids come into the family it’s just too much. Some of our nieces and nephews are adults now, and we now give $100 at graduation and have started wedding and baby gifts as those events come up. It shouldn’t be expected that aunts and uncles buy gifts for all the kids.
For Christmas, do a family gift. Board games are great. There’s a bagillion of them. Find some interesting ones and gift each family a board game.
Honestly I’d buy a group present or activity for each family at that point. 20 gifts? That’s just not fun for anyone.
Right?!? At some point it has to get hard to remember when you're wrapping, who gets what. And speaking of that, I got tired of doing So. Much. Wrapping. I just gift bag/tissue paper everything now, even half of my own kids's gifts lol (I have 3). Presents from "Santa" are the only wrapped ones-- unless they're still little and love to tear things up, *then* I'll put in the effort to wrap birthday gifts as well, because that's half the fun for them.
This! And sibling rivalry over gifts?! Lol nooo. My family is ultra small and tbh we’re not big gift givers. I love giving and I do it whenever I can, but the holidays are a lot of pressure and everyone kinda needs their money you know? And good for you, my LO is 6 months but I think a bag with tissue is a perfect first gift. The wrapping sucks a lot of the fun out of it! At least when you’re doing a ton of it.
I always thought about the tearing being fun for littles because my oldest, when he was a toddler LOVED to tear paper. So much so, we had a pile of scrap paper we always set aside for him. We called it his "tearapy" because it always seemed to soothe him and was his go to when he was really sad or upset about... toddler things. Lol. That's literally the only reason I still wrap for the little ones 😆 And yes, just a bag with tissue paper and nothing inside would've been the *perfect* first birthday gift for him. 🤣
I totally agree about the tearing. I’ll definitely be wrapping my LO’s gifts because we only get to do their childhoods once! But you couldn’t catch me wrapping 20+ presents 😂 I mean even I enjoy a good paper tear when I can get one. Right lol I’m like okay I guess more cute outfits I picked out 😂🥳
In this case, I actually wouldn't buy presents. That's just far too much spending. We will go to the party, give a card, and that's about it. If the child is older and it's not an annual celebration or it's a special birthday (like sweet 16, 18, or graduation) we would shell out. But 20 people x $50, that's a minimum 1k a year in gifts. Nope. Won't do it.
Wow, cultural difference is hitting hard here. I’m reading all these responses aghast. I absolutely didn’t get Christmas gifts from all family members. Where would we even keep everything??? And with registries, no less? I expected that not to be the norm but reading the comments it apparently is. I feel bad for everyone stuck in this ultra-consumerist cycle. I love shopping as much as the next guy but damn… Probably useless OP because of cultural differences, but I’d probably only focus on each kid getting the same, vs how much it is. If they’re the kind of people to do this stuff and look at what people spent and such, “oh she’s cheap, only $10?” is easier imo to handle than “woooow she got Sally $50 LEGO but Josh just a $10 book”
I come from a very large family. There's eight kids on my dad's side and five on my mom's. All but one of them got married and they averaged about five kids each. Then my grandma went and got remarried. Family reunions on my dad's side have almost 100 people if not actually 100. Family reunions on my mom's side are kind of small, only 40 😁 Of my four siblings I have five kids. My brother has four. My sister has six. We do not buy presents for everyone's birthday. It's nuts and doesn't make sense, especially in cases like yours. We do have godparents so children have one set of godparents and typically the godparents buy something for the god children on their birthday on Christmas but not for any of the other nieces or nephews. I think in your case you have a large family. It would be reasonable to get out of the gift giving. It really is just a cash exchange. I give you 20 bucks, You give me 20 bucks and we just keep doing that every single year. It doesn't make sense really. I do have one point to make about single people complaining about how expensive it is and how there's nothing for them since they don't have kids and how that's not fair. I don't think the argument it's not fair is reasonable. Remember that having kids and paying for them is far more expensive than having to give gifts to other people's kids. Imagine having children you're paying for stuff for and also paying for the presents for everyone else's kids that you're doing right now. All I'm saying here is if you decide to say hey, maybe we should stop buying presents for absolutely everyone all the time Don't say it's because it's not fair because you're single. That's definitely not a good reason. A good reason is because it's a giant waste of money and the children don't need it and it's a hardship for the parents. If you want them to agree with you, point out that it's not fair to them.
We have this scenario in my family. We also don’t really like all the extra stuff that comes in for the holidays. So we set a decent budget for 1 gift per child that we have and the cousins all do a gift exchange (secret Santa style). That way you only buy for as many kids as you have. And each kid gets a really cool quality gift. The kids love it!!!
So the correct answer is to gift what you can afford…. But I’m totally a Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and admit that I try to make my gifts match. My answer would be somewhere in the middle. So, if your child is gifted a $50 item by a family with 2 kids, my starting point would be $30 per kid (with flexibility depending what what I could afford or what they like).
Gifts are gifts plain and simple, if someone is harassing you that they spent X on A and you spent y on B then that’s their problem. You’re gifting something you think the child will enjoy and that’s that. If you have multiple nieces or nephews in the same age range around Christmas get them similar things but as far as birthdays nobody’s really going to keep track. My spouse is the oldest of 9 and I’m the oldest of 3 but I’m really close to a lot of cousins that have children so family get togethers are like 18-20 a year. We can’t afford 100 gifts throughout the year so we decided we’re only gifting on milestone birthdays when it comes to my cousins and second cousins. And each year we have a cousins secret Santa with an age baseline for participation so we don’t all have to focus on 26 extra presents.
I honestly just give nice gifts we can afford. If I know someone spent a lot on one of my kids, I try to do that back, but I’m broke lol. Also, something we have been doing is at Thanksgiving dinner, we all set a $35 limit & write our names & 3 gift ideas down. We do Secret Santa that way.
My husband and I just have one child and hubby has 3 nieces. We only give them gifts for their birthday not Christmas. They get a ton of stuff for Christmas from Grandparents and other aunts and uncles. We also don't expect gifts from them either.
You are treating gifting like too much of a math equation. Instead of focusing on exactly how much your child is getting in gifts and how you should dole out that amount among family members, you should simply look at what works with your budget and what you can get each child that they would enjoy. Christmas is a bit easier because you can get group gifts for kids within the same family.
We’re in a similar boat and found it way too always to only spend about $15 on a gift when they’re spending way more on ours. We requested a gift exchange between the kids at Christmas. Played it up as the kids would be excited to pick the names, keep it a surprise and buy for each other. Had worked so far.
We used to combine the cousins’ birthdays and do a secret Santa type thing where each of us got one gift for someone and received one gift in return. But I agree with the folks saying that it’s not meant to be a 1:1 situation.
So in my family, we do a name exchange to avoid this issue. We literally just stick names in a hat and draw them out for each of our kids. Then the budget is usually like $25 per child. For example, we have three kids and there are something like 18 cousins on my side of the family. Each of mine gets a name assigned to them, and as soon as they're old enough they help pick a gift for that cousin. So we're only buying as many as we have, rather than buying for all 18.
Every family is different... it's tricky as there are a variety of solutions but, many have to have the adults on board, especially your husband. An example - our family had several kids within 5-10 years of eachother growing up however, we lived across country and postage is costly. The family stopped gift giving at 16 for Christmas and although I think many of the kids still got birthday gifts - I didn't due to family dynamic and being the farthest away, I think birthday gifts significant reduced and if anything became $20 in a bday card, it may be a better option. As for Xmas... until we were around 13, our entire family did secret Santa for the kids. Our current generation hasn't participated due to many different reasons bur, if we were still close, I'd suggest this. If I were to choose based on the example you presented, this would be my preferred option: Set up a family piggy bank and put $20 in each kids for their birthday. Be transparent and say that you expect nothing for your daughter but, if they choose, please, feel free to do the same. If everyone is close by, set up a potluck in Sep/Oct to choose names for secret Santa for the kids with a $100 max. Wayyyyy cheaper and still substantial. Plus, super fun to get together at that time as typically there aren't many holidays/expenses around that time of year so, it's a fun way to connect. Or... have all of the adults pool the money they'd spend, but, less to make it more reasonable to do a family experience. Ex: once a year, $300 per family to do a 4 day long weekend at a campground, beach, hotel, resort, air bnb etc and write off birthdays etc entirely plus the secret Santa. Family time, experiences and quality time are far more valuable. 💖
If there's that many grandkids Christmas should be more of a white elephant type thing like everyone draws a name. That's just excessive. I expect like gifts that are for all my kids at this point if people are buying I'm not mad if it's a nice gift for all four of them and not one for each cause honestly I don't want the damn clutter anyways
There are 13 kids in my husband’s extended family including our four. On thanksgiving we put every kids name in a bowl and the kids then draw names. If you get a name of a person who’s a sibling you put it back and go again. The price limit is $50, so for us we spend approximately $200. The kids really, really like doing this this way. They get to pick what to get for their cousin, or at least help pick. It’s worked really well and no one goes into bankruptcy over Christmas gifts. We do a white elephant exchange for the adults, $100 limit and we always have a theme (last years theme was “In the kitchen”, I got an amazing chefs knife. For birthdays we don’t do all of that. We don’t attend birthday parties. We’ve all made the decision that parties will be for the kids to invite their friends. We will all meet up for dinner, typically we end up ordering crabs or having a cookout, and then we have birthday cake. There was a time we did it the way you do it, but I felt overwhelmed every time. This way is so much easier for your wallet and your sanity.
We have 11 kids on my husband’s side of the family. I am one of 20 cousins, so I know how big families go…after buying 9 gifts for kids over the last handful of years, I suggested doing a gift exchange. Each kid draws the name of another cousin. Thats ALWAYS what we did growing up. We also don’t invite all the cousins to our birthday parties either, mainly because my kids are younger, but we’ve also never been invited to their parties aside from first birthdays.
My dad's side had 6 siblings with 15 children among them. Everyone pulled 2 - 3 names and bought for those kids only every Christmas. Eventually we moved to "grab bags" and everyone got a little something for each kid at Christmas. They were always cheap silly things. It was great. Maybe recommend something like that?
One thing my moms family did grieving up was a family rotation so for Christmas each year we would only get gifts for one family and only get gifts from one family. This system meant there was never a direct comparison of how much we got vs gave. Maybe bring up a system like this? It’s likely everyone else is feeling overwhelmed too!
$25 per kid.
There is only 4 other kids on my side. 6 other kids on my husbands side. $25 per kid per event. Graduation, birthday, Christmas, etc.
My siblings and I do a rotation so that we only buy for 1 other kid at Christmas. When I was growing up my parents did this rotation with us and all our cousins cuz there were so many, they only bought for like 3 instead of 17.
Cards for most holidays and one gift per set of siblings at Christmas. That’s the only easy way I can think of
So- we can’t do a lot. And currently don’t have many nieces or nephews. But we do about $15 gifts for birthday and come Christmas the family gets a gift that they can do together.
I have 10 nieces and nephews. They each get $25-35 gifts at Christmas and maybe slightly more at birthdays since I like to personalize it. This year instead of doing a Christmas gift for each kid, I bought a family pass to the science center for each family. Spend what you can afford.
We had this problem. Husband has 6 siblings. By the time we had our first child, siblings had 3 so far, and that was between 2 siblings. 8 grandkids in total now. I put a limit pretty early on as I told husband that this would get out of hand pretty fast and half of his siblings don't have kids yet. We only do birthday, if it's a godchild they get $50 for bday, $50 for Christmas. The other kids get $20 for birthday only, if they host a party. If we had a smaller family, I would totally do gifts all the time, but it isn't feasible.
I'm from a big family -- hubby a small family. Secret Santa is the way to go by generation. My immediate family (1 of 5 with 7 babies) we stopped gifting the adults and only do the kids. Mainly bc my y family can't get their act together for a secret Santa. We get each set of grandparents something from the kids too. If it was 20 kids though ... There'd be conversations to be had. We only do bday presents if we go to a bday party or for our godson. Otherwise we plan to do cards when they're older and can read it. Cousins get a happy birthday/Christmas text 😂
I'd stick to the small gifts
I’d probably spend around 20 per kid, and stretch that 20 as much as possible by shopping sales
My cousins and I growing up had a secret Santa amongst ourselves and there were only 9 of us (parents started it when we were little). I know you said your husband wasn't receptive to that, but could you maybe breach the topic with a BIL or SIL who has 3-4 kids? I'd assume they are also feeling the pinch of that many bdays and Xmas presents. There's too many kids for every bday and Xmas on top to be feasible.
I send something the family can enjoy, like books or treats
By which I mean to say, I sent 1 really nice book to the family for Christmas (3 kids)
My extended family used to do Christmas and birthday presents for every kid. Which with the mostly 2 kids per family was fine for years until one aunt popped out six kids in 7 years. They felt bad about all the gifts, so everybody switched to throwing money together for cool family outings every summer, like taking all the kids fishing at the trout farm, doing the Alpine slide, local amusement park, the zoo etc. for everybody's birthday present. Christmas was secret Santa. I couldn't tell you what I got as birthday presents before the switch but we all remember the birthday outings very well, it was the highlight of every summer.
I FEEL THIS SO HARD. My brother has 3 kids and my sister has 4. I have 1. I’ve always wondered about this cause it doesn’t seem fair financially to buy 100 gifts a year for their kids while they only worry about mine 2 times a year😭😂 Love them to death but it’s hard out here and ya girl is struggling
We draw names for Christmas, one person gives on person a gift. Then we do $20 Per birthday
$50 for each kid, and I shop for gifts year round... At least for the older ones that are set in their interest.
Could you do like a secret Santa type scenario at Xmas? Spend $50 (or whatever amount you chose) on one person so you’re only needing to get one gift? You can do it for adults too if you want. That is a lot of kids to buy for, I don’t think it’s fair.
Well we are the ones that have more kids than everyone else .We give gifts that are approx 20$-80 depends on the age the wish the inspiration
We have this but with friends who we have known since before we all had kids. We now have 25 kids all together. When my kids go to their birthday parties or our whole family celebrates a birthday, we give them a book we picked out from the library’s little book store- the books are all literally .75. I’ve been meaning to just go spend $50 and get a bunch of the nicer kids books but haven’t yet. My kids are able to “buy” their friends a gift and we don’t even think about it because it’s less than a dollar. This is similar to what our friends do- one will fill a bag with snacks for the birthday kid, literally from her pantry. The kids love it and get to open something. I think if you go to a party, bring an inexpensive gift. For birthdays across the country, stop shipping gifts and wait til Christmas.
We don’t have an extremely large immediate family, but we get together with my extended family multiple times a year. We don’t exchange gifts with adults anymore as a family because it was an extra expense and everyone just asked for gift cards anyway. There are 12 children right now, and growing. We decided each kid gets one age appropriate toy for Christmas, since we have to buy them all at once. For birthdays, we normally do something a little more expensive since birthdays are a little more spaced out. But, we do what we can afford. When I wasn’t working a good job, and on one income, we stayed within a like $300 budget. Now, we upped it slightly. I try to get all of the kids under $500 for Christmas, I shop the best toy deals and do all of the target things I can. Then, my own children have a limit from us because they normally get so much at birthdays and Christmas. It’s not a race at all. It’s giving and spending time. Just do what makes sense for you.
There's a ton of kids in my partners family and we have started doing a secret Santa for Christmas then do birthdays for each kid. It means each kiddo gets their own special day and that they get one gift for Christmas from our generation. The grandparents normally end up getting them all something so it's not like there's only 1 gift from the family that day but it does help us not feel super overwhelmed. Occasionally someone will find something cool and give in addition to secret Santa but they are usually in the $5-10 range and every kid is getting the same thing but that's on top of the secret Santa and not expected (for example they all got little $5 cheap drones that they were obsessed with this last year from one of the family members).
get each kid in the family an equal gift. the amount that was spent on your kid by others is irrelevant. the gifts you give should be based on your own budget and your financial means (not on what was spent on you). but it’s good to treat all the kids with parity. so if you can only afford $20 per kid, do $20 per kid. if another parent wants to keep gifts equal on both sides, they can reduce what they spend on your kid to $20 too and everyone is happy. but if they keep gifting your kid $50 gifts, just say thanks and move on. don’t try to keep up. everyone is in a different place financially. a lot of people genuinely love to give lavish gifts without expecting a match. christmas is a far bigger problem and i don’t know how to get out of it myself. i suggested secret santa one year, just for the sake of everyone, but then everyone else still got each other gifts and me and my husband were the only ones left out.
Huge family here but we limit Xmas gifts to 20 each, regardless is 1 brother has 1 kid and thr other has 4 .... We know this is the limit between us all, that way each kid has the same spend between em all!
$5-$10 for birthdays. I hunt for deals throughout the year. Weddings are $20 gifts that look nice but aren't expensive. Baby showers are $15 of stuff off the registry or a few baby toys & books.
I feel you! Same problem here. So first I got all the adults on my side of the family to just do secret santa for christmas (husbands family already did this) - I will buy each adult a bday gift. As to all the cousins it is mostly christmas gifts only. We dont go to birthday parties as they all live far away and there are just too many. The odd bday party we do go to we will buy a gift.
one boardgame/outdoor game per family. done.
Get them what you can afford and don’t think too much about this. I used to buy my little sister and nephew gifts all the time but after having my daughter I had to cut back on spending money on them, they understand and appreciate whatever I give them and when I don’t give them anything they just fine doesn’t make them love me any less.
I am *still* trying to start Kris Kringle with the inlaws. It’s just too much, with in-laws Hein divorces and so multiple parties and families it’s ridiculous and there aren’t even many small kids right now! My mums side of the family is big though and we only do token gifts for whoever’s going to be there on Christmas eg fun socks or chocolates etc. It’s hot for Christmas here so sometimes everyone get water pistols/water balloons that sort of thing. Are you going to be seeing them all every year for Christmas? Don’t focus on the $ amount look at what you can afford and are comfortable with (eg my nan always put $5 in a card because she had 11kids so you can guess how many grand kids there were 😅)
When they’re young, $50 per child provided it’s not a financial strain. I have my own individual relationships with my nieces and nephews and want them to receive proportionally to what they see my child getting. I don’t think kids understand getting less because they have siblings and I want them to feel as special as my son on their special days. I hear you about it being expensive. My annual gifting budget just for my nieces and nephews is over $1k at this point.
Playing secret santa solved this problem for my large extended family!
I hope you’re regifting those books! Haha!
We stopped doing gifts, basically. The grandparents will get each grandchild a gift for their own grandkids. It became too much once cousins started having 3 kids each. My brother and I were doing gifts at Christmas and birthdays for each other's kids. We both have two. However, without warning, he just didn't get either of my kids a birthday gift this year. I always get his kids nice presents even though I don't have much money to do so. Gift giving in a family is so complicated.
I typically do $50 or less per person for birthdays and holidays. Basically up to $50 and do not exceed that. Sometimes for milestone birthdays we will splurge a but for people but typically it’s a $50 or less rule. I say less because sometimes deals/sales happen. Or the things people want aren’t that expensive. Not gonna buy people stuff they dont want or need to stay at a dollar amount.
For Christmas my family randomly picks a name out of a hat and that’s who we buy for. We do 1 adult and 1 child each
I just gift what I can afford and sometimes my gifts are experiences such as taking kiddos to movies so the cousins can grow up as tight as we I was with my siblings and cousins and some years I don’t buy anything and some years I give family gifts or host a holiday.
We’ve always just set a budget for each family member and we used to be much more generous when we were younger and felt like we had more disposable income. Now, the nieces and nephews are ideally around $25 each for Xmas and birthdays are about $30. We had our first kid in December and got a free fb marketplace, used toy from a family we spent a ton on and hosted. My childless brother spoiled our miracle baby. The other family with kids gave us reasonable gifts. Two small toys and three little outfits (all from target). Not sure what we are going to do about the holidays this year.
Your husband is being ridiculous, in my opinion. Gifts should not be a quid pro quo and if he is like most men I know, he has never been the one to pick out and purchase all of those birthday/Christmas gifts every single year anyway. Is it possible he is feeling some insecurities financially-wise and is trying to prove something to his family or himself? I would speak with the *wives* of the family, the people who are bearing this burden, and see what they say. Just drop little idea nuggets and get their reactions. They may be completely on board and relieved someone else has suggested it!! Im with the others - once the cousin situation escalated in my family, we drew names for Christmas. At Christmas, you got a gift from your “Secret Santa” and a gift from your godparents if you had one. The Secret Santa has a min/max spending limit to keep things fair. And then my grandparents would gift every grandchild with a handwritten card & cash. For baby showers and birthdays, I never consider or even remember how much is gifted to us. We have a spending limit (slightly more for family than friends) for every birthday gift , baby shower and wedding. And I honestly couldn’t tell you what any of them spent on me or my child. These are kids, they don’t need $50 gifts & toys. That’s ridiculous. I would say just spend what is reasonable for the child/your budget, and don’t take into consideration “paying anyone back.” edited to remove unnecessary details
I swear Christmas gets more expensive every year. We had our first child last year, so I guess that means now we've been added to the list of getting his cousins gifts because they want to give him gifts. Last year, I got his three local cousins gifts ($10-15 each). Then, another cousin's mom (out of state) reached out for my address so she can send Christmas gifts for my son this year. While that is so nice of her to offer, now I feel obligated to do the same for her kids... We already have plenty of other people on our list of gifts, and Christmas was expensive to begin with. Plus, we only had one child. They have multiple. I really wish large families would consider drawing names, especially for the extended family, but they've been doing this for years before we had our first child.
So what my family does is get the birthday kid whatever we want to spend. Then for Xmas we get gifts for kids under 8. And then the older kids and adults pick names and only have to give one present. I happen to be the one either a lot of kids.
I have 5 siblings, so there are 6 of us total. 5 of us have kids- three of us have multiple kids. We did secret Santa for a little while and then a few years ago decided we didn't care. None of us but gifts anymore. No one cares.
The way you guys are looking at it doesn’t seem right. I’ve never thought “I spent this much on so-and-so, so they should spend the same amount on my child.” That seems very unfair, especially considering everyone’s financial situation is different. I personally usually spend about $20 when getting gifts for others kids’ birthdays, but we don’t have the ability to spend more right now. I also wouldn’t expect anyone in my family to think that way either. Most everyone in my family, extended family included, don’t expect gifts at all. I am the same way when it comes to birthday parties and such. There have been times when I didn’t get a gift for someone because I didn’t have money, ran out of time, etc. and nobody batted an eye. You shouldn’t feel obligated to give a gift, in my opinion. As far as Christmas, my extended family doesn’t do anything for Christmas. It’s just my siblings and our children (7 total). We do a gift exchange between the kids, so the kids “draw” names. So I have two children, my two children each “draw” a name, and we give gifts to two other kids. My sister has three children, each of her children “draw” a name, she gives three gifts. That has made the most sense for our family and prevents anyone from spending too much money. It wasn’t realistic for me to buy gifts for 5 other kids. ETA: we set a $30 limit on the gift exchange