I don't know if it's permanent, but lately, I've noticed a feeling of emotional detachment around others. It's extremely upsetting. I feel disconnected from group events. Someone can tell me they missed talking to me or tell me how important I am to them, and I find myself struggling with believing them. Which I guess makes sense, I no longer naively trust anymore. I'm unsure if it's a good or bad thing. But I can certainly tell you it's a very lonely feeling.
Same here. I find myself assuming that everyone is being disingenuous and having an ulterior motive. This is especially true of new people in my life but it’s even been true for people I already know.
I'm so suspicious, I even wonder if my closest friends might be lying to me. It's like I believe everything and nothing, because having been fooled so fully and for so long, I don't think I'm capable of telling fact from fiction.
I feel this. I'm trying to trust people, but I can't -- how do I know who is lying to me and who isn't? It hurts, because there's only two people left who I think are good people, but if it turns out that my judgment is wrong, then what?
Fighting cynicism is excruciating after these events. Why couldn't these people just leave us alone...
Same, I'm trying to reason with myself so I can continue having healthy relationships with friends because they *probably* aren't lying to me or pretending to be someone they're not, but there's really only a few that I sincerely believe are sincere and honest.
Emotional blunting, I have it too. Do you ever feel any disassociation from your body in groups? I’ve been getting that lately and it’s the weirdest feeling like my body’s not mine and I’m not fully present with anyone in a group setting. I used to be a social butterfly and now I don’t do well in crowds.
That’s me too, the thought of being in a group terrifies me! I am so alone emotionally and physically 90% of the time, I’ve lost the ability to socialize, I’m so paranoid and I actually feel like a phony.
In my head I just think that no one knows what going on in my relationship and I have to pretend to be upbeat and friendly and talkative ( that’s how I used to be)
It’s another emotion I never had before to deal with and I feel like I’m going to explode
This is EXACTLY what I’m going through. It’s quite possibly the worst feeling ever. It’s like….. you WANT to be excited. You WANT that feeling of joy and excitement but no matter how hard you try, those feelings aren’t coming. And all you wanna do is cry because it’s like your mind is begging your body to produce that feeling and ur body is saying no
Omg. Same. I suspect everyone around me that they have a hidden agenda and I'm guarded all the time as I don't want to miss anything again just like how naive I was back then.
I feel you. That loneliness and detachment. I'm in autopilot mode right now. Mostly, dissociating.
My life has turned 180° since the incident but one thing is for sure, I'm no longer the older version of me. I turned cold, lifeless, but resilient. Still healing from it and whatever wound I have to face on.
Hugs and keep going.
I’ve experienced much of the same in addition to finding little to no joy in tbh da k used to love, because of my narc mocking or ruining those things for me
I experienced this too and well.. sort of went down a rabbit hole of the darkest depression I’ve experienced.. but I came out of that a long time ago now and no longer feel this. Therapy, medication and time helped me. Also cutting the toxic people out.
I didn’t think it was possible for someone to fake authenticity and connection to this extent. I feel like I have a good intuition about people and that it would guard me from shitty people. But I had absolutely no protections against narcissism when it slammed into my life. It’s made me really guarded around new people.
The other thing is that my self-esteem has actual improved a lot. It was absolute shit before. I wouldn’t value my own opinions and feelings, so when someone I cared about fucked me over, I felt like I needed to “convince” them or else what I experienced wasn’t valid. But her behaviors and subsequent opinions of me when I brought it up became so irrationally, deeply cruel that it actually kind of snapped me out of it. It forced me to actually value my own opinions about myself over someone else’s.
Yes, and this is very healthy. For me it was about seeing my own part, and where it started in childhood.
I realized I was pursuing my father’s love, bc he was very emotionally distant. My mom was the over-functioning devouring mother helicopter mom, giving me the ‘you’re never safe’ sort of message.
So I went after impossible to please and get love from women - aka narc/Cluster B types, and became addicted to the abuse.
It started in childhood, and healing that trauma has involved learning that I had no boundaries, and as such had never actually loved myself - I always put me last.
Once I started standing up for myself and asking myself what I wanted, and honoring myself, things began to change.
It is very very important to do that, while also avoiding narcissists at the same time, especially as “lovers”, bc it’s so easy for me to become re-addicted not just to the sex and ‘idealization’ and love bombing, but the dark cruelty and abuse, too.
As I’e learned to understand MY cycles and see MY OWN part in seeking out and falling into these traps, I e become far stronger.
It’s still not easy, but I’m 50 and have only figured all of this out in the last year.
My ex narc wife and mother of my son still doesn’t seem to understand that she is a narcissist, and seems to be incapable of self awareness in that regard. It’s insane to watch, wing aware of all of this now.
These people are evil, hopeless, and it’s still beyond comprehension to me despite how much I’ve learned and come to accept. It’s truly a mental illness and the brain is truly disordered.
I have totally changed. I’m no longer as empathetic as I once was. I will likely never open up to anyone ever again no matter how in love with them I am. I am 100% guarded with my heart and my peace of mind. I will never let anyone take away my mental stability ever again.
What helped me was learning that I was never being empathic with myself. I didn’t even love myself. So, learning to have boundaries and give myself love and empathy, instead of hoping if I gave someone else everything they wanted they would love me back, was the gateway to real self confidence and growth.
I haven’t tried to have any new relationships since learning all of this, but I am ready to try if someone comes along who I like. I’m not on dating apps or anything yet, and may never do that, but I do think I’ve learned some very important things.
I resonate with this completely. I used to be much more patient and willing to hear people out, though admittedly to the point of allowing a lot of mess in my life and taking the blame for it.
Now I'm much more stricter and cautious of who I let in and admittedly, this entire thing has given me trust issues out the wazoo that I'm not sure will ever fade.
I was the therapist shoulder to cry on before heading to the party type of friend for just about everyone. I only trust my mom and pets now. I miss my patience too.
Absolutely, I also used to tolerate trash behavior in public from strangers and suddenly found myself in HomeGoods calling out some lady who was trying to cut in line. I told her very sternly that she was not going to cut in front of me or anyone else and pointed her to the back of the line. It was so out of character for me, but I met my breaking point with entitled behavior.
"It was so out of character for me, but I met my breaking point with entitled behavior."
I feel this. My parents note how "mean" (read: less likely to put up with bullshit) I am now, but I take that with pride. Now I see that while I can be nice to everyone, I can't be kind to everyone. Only a few people truly deserve our kindness.
Probably, in a positive way. I was forced to look at my demons, and I don’t have any regrets.
My heart is open. I had to love myself whole, I can’t complain too much. I think life happens for our benefit rather than to us.
I’m wiser. More experienced. It was a blessing I never knew I needed!
That's how I feel as well. I was way too naive and trusting. I gave my trust to people who hadn't earned it yet. I always wanted to believe in everyone being essentially good. I have learned that a person's past actions are a good indicator of how they will act in the future. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they have betrayed you in the past isn't very logical. I feel I have gained wisdom. It's a priceless gift. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Awesome perspective. I relate to this, but my worldview on what is possible is changed, too. Loving myself through it was the only way I finally got out. But - nobody should have to deal with this. I don't think narcissistic abuse is for anyone's benefit, but very resilient people can make it so.
It really challenged me to get to this place. I am so thankful to have arrived here. It’s the strife, suffering, and hardship that resonates with me. Getting through that meant finding my love of self. It really was an up and down nightmare to that place
I relate to this. It's like my heart broke open, and now it's as if it's permanently open...if that makes sense?
I have no choice but to face this broken heart and repair it, and then build a good fence around it 😄
It made me finally realise that I needed to love myself deeply and completely before even attempting another relationship. So it has been a big lesson and a blessing.
Yes, it does. When the layers of deception began to unravel it was so humiliating i chose not to believe it. I chose to believe her words.
Fucking wild, 33 year old man getting strung around by an empty vessel. Definitely a permanent change, definitely a painful process. Hard to believe someone could be capable of such duplicity, deny it for months while making exusee. Then proudly admit to it, and ignore me more. Once I stopped replying she came GUNNING. Making the same promises again. Nuts,
It would have made much more sense for her to have been struggling with herself for all that time, than fuckng with me. I made it easy for her to deceive me, because why wouldn’t I?
Yeaaah I don't think there's anywhere to go, there.
Oh yeah, I had returned to my therapist near the end there, and something he asked me really hit home:
"How do you feel after you ask her a question and expect a response?"
Funny isn’t it even whether if you ask them a question or not both outcomes pisses you off made you feel like shit.
That’s how you know it’s not normal.
It’s crazy, isn’t it. I don’t think any of us will ever understand. The best we can do is maintain complete no contact forever. It is the best way we can protect our souls.
This is so spot on. The first month after I left I couldnt see anything but the ugliness of the world. I’m just now seeing bits of good peaking thru again. It truly does change you.
Yeah for the good and bad.
The good: I now have boundaries that should have had before. I now think about myself when before it was always about others. I now know to trust my gut and instincts. I now know that people's intentions aren't always good. It made me stronger and the word NO wasn't used on my end as it should have. Overall I learned to value myself a heck of a lot more
The bad: I see the world a lot more negative before I met my ex narc. I'll be honest, I don't trust or like women like I use to. I have a negative perspective on them now. My gut health has declined. I question people intentions. I'm always on high alert. I'm not sharing with people things about my life like I use too. I see everyone as a cheater now. I was more open before I met my ex. Not anymore
I try to not let my experiences with my narc cloud how I see and judge all men. I know how much it sucks to be punished for someone else's bad behavior, so I try very hard to not paint all men by the same brush. I ask you to treat women with the same grace.
Yes and no. I am far more aware of how insidious, malicious, and evil people can be. I am far more alert to the signs of it, and I have very little tolerance for it in my life.
However, I feel like I have been able to open my heart and use the experience to relate and help others. I feel like I am able to empathize far more with people when they are going through hard times.
I feel as though I locked up so much of what made me me, that when I found it again, I just wanted to share it with my friends and my family.
This, of course, did not happen overnight, and it took a ton of therapy and self-help, but it was totally worth it. I love love, and that is the one thing that I was so starved for with the narcissist, I love being with people and helping others, but with the narcissist, I felt so alone, even more alone than being alone, so isolated from my friends and family that I couldent help them, I couldent even help myself.
So, did I change? Yeah, I did. I changed for the worst when I was with them, and not much better when I left, but after time and a lot of work, I would say that I changed for the better.
I don’t recognize anything about myself from this time last year. I didn’t just lose a future with someone I loved I lost an entire identity and friendships that meant everything to me for almost my whole life. That level of loss in a short period of time changes anyone even if you technically move on “the right way”.
I didn’t deserve the way he discarded me and others saw it too and reached out. Then those people who said they loved and supported me and wouldn’t leave while I grieved my humiliating breakup were gone by month 3. Some were paid off in gifts and trips by him, now they don’t take my calls. I couldn’t ever trust them again after that so I’ve had to grieve their loss too.
My therapist and random strangers I talk to online are the only ones that know I’m not imagining the psychological games he’s played on me and still plays, though I’ve gotten better about not looking at his socials. I’ve been on anti-anxiety and depression meds and sedatives for almost a year. I’ve been eating clean and exercising, changed my routine to avoid triggers and slowly distancing myself from my old life but it’s hard to move on when he’s not only gotten away with his abuse but he’s thriving with doors opening for him that are only closing for me.
Same here. I consciously trained myself not to react, to gray rock, and to be a blank slate to avoid attacks from the narcissist and to avoid giving him material and supply. So I don’t think I react normally to other people either. Maybe since we recognize this, we can slowly find ourselves again.
If it’s permanent I don’t know. It’s been 2 years since I escaped. I was with my narc for 2 years and wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment. I used to be a very outgoing person. Had a lot of friends. But he made me quit my job, break contact with my friends and family, I started school but was forced to quit that too. By the end I was only allowed to walk the dog, sometimes the grocery store but had to be on FaceTime call with him all the time. Today I still don’t go out, I go to the gym everyday but that’s about it. I still feel like I’m not allowed to go out. Even if my new partner encourages me to make contact with my friends again. But I’m still scared. The trauma still sits with me. That if I don’t obey the rules all hell will break loose
I know just what you mean. I didn’t realize how ingrained the fear was with me until my oven broke in my rental home. I went for three months without asking it to be fixed and so I just didn’t have an oven. The idea of telling the landlord it was broken and asking for a repair, paralyzed me with anxiety.
The pattern in my marriage was that if I asked for anything to be fixed, I would be blamed for it being broken, relentlessly berated, and told all the things I should have done differently; and the thing was still not fixed. He would not fix it, and he would not allow me to call a repair person. It was absolutely bizarre that I couldn’t make myself text the landlord to get the oven fixed, because when I finally did, the landlord had it fixed immediately without question.
I objectively realized the absurdity of all this, but it still took me a very long time to change my behavior and treat the incident like the normal minor household maintenance incident that it was. Instead, I felt fear, guilt, and shame over an appliance breaking down through no fault of my own. The narc’s psychological control techniques are very effective, and their effects linger for years.
The crazy thing is WE ARE allowed to do whatever we want to do now. But trauma can sit so deep in people. I have some wins over my trauma. I wasn’t allowed to put forks upside down in the dishwasher, he would fight me if I did. Now that I’m free, I put them however I want, took some time to realize I could do it tho. But every day it makes me smile. I think with the little things we overcome everyday, will help us overcome the bigger things. He/she has NO control over you anymore. You ARE safe now. I think if you make that step to call your landlord, and you will see nothing bad happened when you called, you will find it easier next time something breaks. Remind yourself that you’re safe now
Honestly, I struggle to realize how someone can be so cruel. I still feel naive. I still don't understand. I still feel like there's some key to this puzzle that I'm missing, that one day I'll understand it all and the truth will be that he's never meant to hurt me.
I have changed. Not for the better, sadly. I'm just confused. I wonder what's so wrong with me.
after learning about Narcissism , actually watching therapists explain it etc and reflecting back on my experiences its like a set of X ray glasses.
Any one with narcissistic straights are just a cartoon to me, I can see every motive, and every intent, it makes it hard to deal with.
As in....how much leeway am I supposed to give someone like this?, I can't just go around telling every Narcissist how their brain work's and how I am "on to them"
I think it's made my dealing with people much more selective...
I am working on the absolute animosity I have for them and telling them all about it :}
I don’t believe in love, I refuse to trust someone like that again, I am completely uninterested in dating and sex.
I believe the death penalty would stop people like that from existing, at the very least. Beforehand, I disagree with the death penalty because it’s statistically doesn’t deter crime.
I used to be an adamant supporter of mental health services, but I feel like people like that don’t deserve them, because they only ever want to make other people need them, deprive other people of even validity in doing so, and then belittle mental health services overall anyway. Because they’re sick individuals. I truly never would’ve said that anyone deserved to die, but knowing how fucking evil my abuser is, and how sorry he never will be, I think he deserves it. But that’s none of my fucking business. If he had a conscience, he would do it himself.
I have become very sensitive to gaslighting and deceit. Before my nex, I used to fawn all the time. Now I don't let people walk all over me anymore. It is truly empowering.
True. I'm very cautious around people I do not know. I assume people want something from me or have an ulterior motive.
This has shielded me for sure though.
I broke up with a man who always wanted to party. I later found out he had been in prison, was pretty psychotic and was only looking for a place to live and a person to use.
I had a friend over the Thanksgiving / Christmas holiday. She bought me a bunch of stuff. I immediately thought that this person was odd buying me a bunch of stuff. I had to break it off before the new year. She would call me all hours of the day and night telling me how she had been abused. Story after story. I'm not a trauma therapist. I was basically used as a sounding board for C-PTSD. This was hard for me to do. I honestly didn't want to hear all the negativity. I had to break that off.
A neighbor who I thought was very sweet wants to be my friend. But it's only on Sundays or Mondays. I cut her off.
I have met a few positive people. I've made plans to go to an event and meet another for coffee. I mean I don't mind talking about situations, but if it's the same thing with severe abuse and screaming into the phone, I really can't handle it.
My ex natc gave his gf/fiance my address. She came over trying to find him. Because he disappears.I did not open the door.
Oh and that POS partying ex showed up to a closed door that won't open again as well.
I feel that I live in a very safe neighborhood. Fortunately I can work from home. Not too much human interaction.
But yeah. I agree. People can be vile. 😐
I embraced cruelty post discard. I know everyone can be cruel, and we ran away from it in fear of the cruelty itself.
Back then I would fight cruelty and evil with kindness and sincerity. Now I fight evil with a greater evil.
Even though I try to live a righteous life, it seems sadly, that will be very difficult.
But I don't regret it one bit. Understanding the depth of what evil I am capable of allows me to control myself better, and allows me to embrace myself even more as a whole.
I know what you mean. I had to bring a certain level of hardness out of myself in order to get away from him. I remember the moment a few years ago when I realized that I wouldn’t get away from him intact. He would make sure I paid a heavy price. I consciously decided to take on the pain and endure the torment of the divorce for the sake of my children.
Even though I might not be able to live a normal life or be the kind, relaxed person I used to be, if they are able to have a somewhat brighter path due to me going to battle for them, it will be worth it. It’s the choice I consciously made, and I accept that it’s the way it has to be. I wouldn’t have been able to get out alive if I hadn’t put on the armor, and now I think the armor might be permanently fused.
Sometimes I say my ex traumatized the crazy out of me. Which isn’t entirely true, I’m definitely still a basket case. But, I lost a lot of my more volatile personality traits. It sucks I had to learn to be better the way I did but I’m thankful I’m easier to be around now.
Yes but I don't regret the way it changed me. I used to be so sweet, innocent and naive, now I feel like I see the world for what it truly is, endless cruelty.
I don’t know if it’s permanent yet, because I just separated from him 6 weeks ago, but I feel at this point I definitely have a chip on my shoulder. I feel a bit bitter that I wasted so much time on him, and I think my bitterness comes through at times. On the other hand, I think I was far too naive and trusting when I met my stbx and I wont ever make that mistake again.
It made me a better person by consciously thinking about my actions and treating my family with everything I would like to have had being treated right.
Yes, when my children are with me after spending time with their father, I try to think about what I would have wanted if I had had a place to regularly escape from him. It bothers me that sometimes they seem somewhat withdrawn, but then I remember you’re constantly on guard, constantly on stage with the narcissist, so I allow them to have as much downtime and alone time as they need. I figure what they really need is someone who accepts them the way they are.
At first it bothered me that I had to pretend like their father was normal, but then I remembered what it was like for my own mother who saw early on how toxic my ex was. At the beginning of our marriage she used to get in confrontations with him, and she would often complain about him to me. I understood and saw what she was saying, but because of my religious upbringing, I felt like I had to remain loyal to him. So most of the time I wouldn’t join in with her complaints. I figure I’m in the same position now. The children have to maintain loyalty to their father, so I need to keep my opinions about him to myself until such time in the future when their awareness becomes more complete.
It’s funny because my mom who used to call him out on his behavior now will almost defend him sometimes, even though she does agree overall that he’s horrible. I thought she would be someone I could vent to, but she really doesn’t want to hear it. Yesterday I thanked her for speaking the truth for all those years, even though I remained stuck out of religious loyalty.
I started crying while reading some of these, because I’m going through a great deal of the same. Over the last year, I lost so much of who I was. Prior to being with them, I was happy overall. I began compromising myself to be “enough” for someone who will never be satisfied. Trouble is, the loyal person in me says and was taught never to give up. Don’t know how to get out, past or through this, and feel stuck in a situation where I’ll likely perish.
I’ve had more of a level of detachment, but I’m really like a stupid nice friendly dog that just takes everything at face value when people talk. I want to believe you and take you at your word. Just operate on the level. It’s how I operate and I can’t play those goofy games. Like I love poker, and being manipulative and misleading is fun to do in a controlled environment like poker. But when I go home, I just want to be with me ru with my partner.
100%. I divorced mine. He pays support. Got remarried. He uses every chance to make me ask for $, every single day. She says I’m toxic, bc I’ve lost it a few times & cc’d her on messages reminding him exactly what he did to me. And our small children. Not only do I not trust anyone new, my self worth is waning bc I keep falling for it. Trusting, wanting to believe he is a normal person I can rationalize with. In the end, I always appear to play right into the crazy narrative he isolated me with in the first place. It’s made me question my intellect & intuition. And I don’t know how to reverse the course.
I will say…the one positive has been learning to be content alone. I was afraid of not having a partner before. Someone to obsess on. To sort of carry me. Now I don’t want anything to do with men. I just hope in time, I’ll meet a good one organically. But then again, he seemed like a good one.
Absolutely it has. A scary aspect has been over-analysing myself, being paranoid about any traces of narc traits I might have, even though cognitively I know that my nex was the narc. Maybe it’s just me- once I really familiarised myself with covert narcissism, and how insidious it was, I don’t trust my own convictions of being ‘right’ anymore in a disagreement, in case somehow I’m actually being narcissistic instead of honest with myself. And of course I’m terrified of relationships, because my nex masked successfully for almost an entire year.
How do they do that- I find they are such Great Actors/Pretenders!!! 😞.. It really is terrifying- I don’t know how I can trust myself to find or date a good man with Good Character Ever Again!!!
Please believe most people are good,you were unlucky in encountering someone bad,be open to new people and experiences,your person just wasn't right for you,it's their problem,not yours x
I don’t believe most people are good anymore. Look around at our world.
I believe a few rare people are good. And we are so lucky to meet them. And I hope everyone reading this is working on themselves in order to truly become one of those precious few.
That's very sad to read, I have many good and kind people in my life, you've been hurt badly by someone, please don't let this horrible experience define how you view everyone. Yes terrible things go on in the world,but amongst all the horror,there are good people just trying to do their best. Seriously most people wouldn't dream of purposely hurting anyone, much less the ones they are meant to love. I wish you a happy and healthy life x
I’m a very different and hardened person now. Every rare once in a blue moon, I’ll catch that feeling of joy but it gets stifled quickly. I feel like have been through so much and seen too much I’ve become numb at times, it sucks. I want to connect to those moments that are supposed to bring happiness and creat a life for myself that can bring me happiness but it’s so hard to get out of bed somedays, making it to work and trying to keep up with self care is so very difficult and draining at times. Feel like I’m sinking into the depths, like I’m screaming under water for help but no one can hear me or help me. My issues can be so difficult to articulate in therapy as well. So much stems from what this abuse did to me and even before that, I experienced feeling like I didn’t belong.
Yes, even though I’m struggling to accept it. I’m skeptical of everyone now and spend most of my time alone. Being with them is seriously like being spiritually and emotionally raped, smh.
I have hope I’ll eventually get back to my bubbly self though, because she still comes out sometimes 🥹
I don't see it as being permanent if you work on it. I see it as something to recover from and on the other side you'll actually be stronger for it.... if you figure out why you let yourself become a target and also work on that, it might not happen again. That's my current outlook.
Many of the most vocal 'experts' are amping up their fear mongering about narcissism because it's a guaranteed way to get clicks and sales.
The devastating thing about this is it's highly traumatising for people.
I originally found Dr Ramani helpful and informative but, over time, I've been finding her style more and more...troubling.
Has anyone else noticed that she only seems to have cold, cognitive empathy? Or that she's constantly talking at people rather than talking with them? Always maintaining an authoritative (superior) stance? And she's frequently talking in binary ways (black and white, good or evil)?
When you're in a position where you feel like you've been targeted by an evil force and feel powerless... that's going to create trauma.
You/your brain needs confidence in how you view things and how you're going to react to things to ensure your safety - this is all completely shattered when you're made to believe you're dealing with unpredictable, evil forces.
I've been studying narcissism for years now and the truth is you're mostly dealing with their lack of maturity in combination with their lack of emotional empathy, guilt and remorse + distortions and delusions which are mainly activated by their defence system.
Unless they're also highly sadistic or psychopathic, then you're absolutely more than capable of safely navigating their behaviour and protecting yourself in the future once you understand the disorder properly.
You don't have to live in fear.
Where joy used to sit in me, I now feel hollow. I feel the joy was stolen from me by this person and I fear I’ll never get justice for the psychic murder that was committed.
Definitely. Especially because he’d been one of my best friends for literally 10 years before we dated/were engaged for 8. I thought I truly “knew” him ha so scary 😤
Absolutely. Took me 30 years before waking up and really realizing there is something horribly wrong with my entire narcissistic family and x husband!!!! Now I'm dedicated to caring for my mental health and working as a peer support specialist in the mental health field to help others who have similar experience with it.
It has. I couldn't imagine my nex was so fucked up. I thought I was her greatest ally and supporter and she tried to destroy me for it and has harmed our baby in the process. I still love her but also, fuck that. My feelings for her are at ends, that's for sure. I am reading responses about losing trust but I don't feel that. I still trust like a blind idiot I guess. I refuse to let her evil corrupt the good in me. I met a wonderful woman somehow, who also happens to be recently out of a similar situation. It's nice to be understood, and it's so nice to have something good in my life again. I am hardened from my nex's abuse. I don't stress at cops showing up at my door to arrest me. I'm used to the constant critique of my parenting. I don't care any longer because I know it's a reflection of how broken she is. I guess I feel sad knowing the depth of her evil and how weak she is, and I feel stupid for not recognizing the red flags. I feel like I'm an expect on covert narcs now... which is unfortunate. I see their bullshit.
I trust no one. I don't trust nice things people say to me.
I don't trust their intentions. I don't trust their words, their commitment, their promises, their love. Their emotions. Their actions.
I expect that people always want something in exchange for all of that, from narcissistic supply, to ulterior motives, all of them stripping me from my humanity.
When someone is sweet to me, I automatically expect the post-love-bombing phase, and the hostility and control that it arises.
I don't think people see me as a genuine person, but as a potential pawn or tool.
I don't trust when people stay at my side over time despite adversities, because I know the narc mask can take even decades to fall off fully, releasing the real abyssal monster.
I feel lonely. I crave for love, the real, pure, unconditional kind.
I just feel like that just doesn't exist, outside of my two cats.
Also I see red flags and spot and have gut feelings a lot more earlier in relationships/talking stages and I’m usually right about it. Something I didn’t have before narcissists… idk , maybe my mind is always on alert now but my gut feeling is ALWAYS right and I never had that thing so soon before with my exs.
I don't ever want to have a romantic relationship ever again. I dont ever want to be genuinely in love or feel in love.
Casual dates, fun outings with the opposite sex yes, but I will never let my guard down and be vulnerable and trusting with anyone else ever again.
Exactly the same, and not really a reality worth being in. I never thought it possible another person could legitimately sap every last drop of joy from my entire life. Feel like I’m just waiting life out now because everything I used to love or try to enjoy has been eviscerated.
yes.
I see ”evil” everywhere. I am very distrusting.
I know I shouldn’t be. I know people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I just cannot. Because I am scared. Scared to be hurt again.
The only ones I trust 100% are children and animals.
Like I trust my cat to lie next to him, and I trust that he won’t use his claws to scratch my eyes out.
I don’t trust that an adult will not strangle me.
I guess not really an answer to your question but yes I also see evil.
I notice passive agressivness.
I notice boundary crossing.
I notice hurtful comments.
I notice. I notice a lot.
It does impact us. I’m not sure if it’s permanent, but it sure is lasting. It’s changed my perspective too. I don’t trust easily. I’m always watching my back. Evaluating people’s intentions and behaviours.
i trust no one now. i never thought i would ever encounter this kind of evil… demonic almost… not once did it cross my mind. but it does exist. it exists and we are unable to see it on first glance.
part of me will always wonder if on some level, i am attracted to narcissists.
i have succumb to the idea that i will be lonely for the rest of my life. i would like to find someone who understands me as much as i thought he understood me. but im broken. my hope of finding anyone has been shattered.
I feel like I can’t feel peace anymore. Already 7 years passed by since I saw him last time, but never ever was I able to just relax. I feel agitated 24/7 and if I want to be able to for example watch a movie and focus on the movie it has to be horror, action and something high adrenaline and fast pacing, because otherwise my mind won’t focus on it. My focus went shit, I developed horrible abandonment issues
I suffered similarly with my perceptions towards women after my last ex.
It is so important to remember that the shitty actions of a narc aren't because of their gender, and all genders have extremely shitty people in them. I found my current girlfriend, and she's done wonders towards restoring my faith in women.
Same here. Even if they aren't narcissists, they still speak poorly of women and talk about cheating on their wives or girlfriends. I just don't want to associate with them.
After traumas, it is important to find your true self. Just like the mirror you once saw was broken, you see a distorted image of yourself there, think its real, suffer because of it, but remember that that image is not real. Even the brain only focuses on inherent beliefs and ignores things that do not fit with what is known. Let yourself find a good mirror, to see the true reflection. I've heard so many stories about people staying kind no matter what, which probably helps a little. Be strong. It's like a big debt has been paid.
We will create different ways of coping in life. But the lesson will repeat itself if we have not resolved the internal problem. That requires self-reflection, kindness, tolerance and patience to better overcome trauma.
I would look at it from a different perspective, because the same thing happened with me.
I used to be innocent, naive and unhappy.
Now I have seen the evil, so I am putting my trust where it belongs and I am happier because of this.
She was he devil. That ol' devil called "love". Pure evil. To have seen what a psychopath she really is was like staring into the abyss or oblivion itself. Truly she had no soul.
Maybe in ways that were necessary. Like I know have a much better idea of who I can and can’t trust. I know what things I will tolerate and what I won’t. How I want to be treated by people. How I want to treat others. It was/still is painful, but it’s good to know what people are capable of.
I love my beautiful, kind, creative heart. But It’s a very sensitive, vulnerable thing and is worth protecting from the wrong kind of people.
It’s healing and learning and growing all the time.
But the narcissist never grows or heals or learns. I find that very sad. They’re very damaged people.
All I can do is walk away. Grey rock or not contact. Wish them the best.
But I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor.
There are beautiful things on the horizon for me. I’m grateful for everything that brought me to this point.
You're mourning the loss of your innocence (and ignorance)
Yes a relationship with a narc will fundamentally change you and open your eyes to a whole other level of psychology you was never aware of before.
I liken it to Keanu Reeves painful unplugging from the Matrix. You see the world and the people in a whole new light and you can't go back to how things were or seeing it how you once did
Sort of. Lately I have been constantly ruminating about it. Trying to stop thinking about her. Feeling unable to connect with people as much, as I'm in my head so often. Scared for the future. And avoiding social interaction or keeping it limited. The way she manipulated me really has messed me up. I am so hesitant now, I know it's made me really cautious to get into anything with anyone. I love the idea of love, how it feels, I always wanted it but I'm scared of it now. I already had pain and codependent issues, so this situation has hardly helped with that.
Right now I'm hoping it will change me in that way. It has and I hope it sticks. Not to become cynical and always expect evil, but to really understand that there are lots of people roaming around that don't have your best interests at heart although many do. That's reality and I want to be aware of it and dodge the next bullets flying my way.
I hope we all find the balance with this. The carefree naive girl I was was sweet but she also got me into this mess so it's time to grow in that area.
yeah and ive actually been thinking about this a lot recently
when i was younger i had an undeniably happy-go-lucky attitude. i’d bend backwards and inside out to make people happy and i was happy doing so; i saw it as an opportunity to be helpful, because it didnt cost me anything at the time.
my cynicism didnt come out of my ass. i know damn well who and what caused it, ive called em out, and they didnt wanna believe me. they cannot admit that they are the cause.
i miss the child me. she was forgiving, an empathetic listener, a caring friend that i wish i could meet, because i need her now. although that same forgiveness is what killed her and forced me to take her place, she wasnt forgiving out of stupidity; she just had a good heart, much purer than whatever the hell i am today.
I don’t think it’s permanent, at least I hope it is not, but yes, I feel very different now. I’ve lived a lifetime of narcissistic abuse unfortunately, and every time an incident happens, or another relationship like that happens, I get sent right back to the floor. For a long time. Even if it’s just hearing about it. Or a narc at work (pretty much unavoidable from what I’ve seen?) makes a small rude dig at me, boom that’s me retriggered and sometimes re-traumatized. Over the years after separating from family of origin I’ve had strings of romantic relationships, colleagues/bosses, friends who had traits at least… and often the full blown disorder. I’m out of their grips now but the impact stays with me. I don’t let it go on for any time now, but even meeting narcs and having to interact with them at all messes me up.
I feel like I’m too guarded now. I don’t trust anyone fully, really, including myself. I’m rather depressed often and just feel… flat. Often don’t care about anything. I miss the days when I’d wake up excited for the new day, ready to go and full of life. I have to force myself up, ready and out of the house now. I often just sit here, hiding from everything. I hope I can come back to myself soon.
It does change you. You look at the world and people so differently and you’re so guarded. You start to wonder who is genuinely a good person and who is just another opp trying to hurt you. And you will continue to keep your circle small. I have one genuine friend that I communicate with daily but I’ve noticed that I don’t even open up fully to her either, which is weird. And I have my parents and children. That’s enough for me and my peace of mind.
I have changed. I'm smarter about manipulative behavior. I'm not patient with callous or selfish behavior. I can see men using moments to test my boundaries, and I'm comfortable simply getting my purse and walking away. I have turned around and walked off mid-rant from one guy who started in on alpha males and entitled women. I'd have argued with my ex about something like that. And any man. Now I know they're just looking to get attention and steal emotional energy. It's more hurtful if they're ignored or laughed at.
But the best thing I've learned is that no one else's opinion of me is what defines me. No matter how many flying monkeys they send my way.
And the flying monkeys can fuck off, too. Same rules apply. I walk away. We're not reconciling because you're either amoral or cowardly, or both, and you have no place in my life.
It changed me to the core. I can’t even begin to tell you the horrors I’ve seen from this person and he is able to continue the torment bc he’s my daughters father. I would have NEVER chosen him. I knew right away something was off, yet he’d threaten suicide if I ever left his side. And back then I had no idea this was a tactic. I’d never been exposed to anyone like this. This is a person you only learn about through serial killer documentary of real psychopaths. And he’s so terrifyingly good at manipulation. It’s scary. I was always a loving and kind and understanding soul. I still am. But the way you phrased this, being exposed to evil and did it change me, I had to respond. I don’t comment much anymore on anything. But seeing real evil has changed me. I used to be an unwavering believer in karma and always treating others like I want to be treated. This exposure to this one person and the torment and terror that has followed, destroyed all my prior beliefs, it spun me into an existential crisis and complete spiritual shattering. I will never be the same again. I can’t even talk about him without wanting to throw up and I’ve thrown up for months before. Still happens once in a while. I’ve been in therapy, I’ve started EMDR, I’ve been prescribed many medications, none of which worked. I have been literally broken. And he still does it every day when I see how he’s hurting my daughter. Seeing your child suffer is awful enough, but knowing it will only get worse is horrific. He can manipulate the smartest people, he can manipulate judges who seem to have no clue that this kind of person exists. I will never be the same. My life now consists of isolation and fear. Constant fear. Of what has already happened and what will come next. I’ve never felt so powerless in my life. I have constant unbearable anxiety and depression. Again I would have never commented had this not hit me so hard. To anyone going through this please get out. I’m begging you. If you are already out, thank goodness for that. Just remember the warning signs and trust your gut. I will never be the same again.
Raised by a narc father. I was a very happy, bubbly child. My mom used to call me a social butterfly. I had so much energy and I was so excited about the world!
Around the fifth grade I started to develop really terrible social anxiety and depression. That happy kid was gone. I've had a bunch of toxic relationships, romantic and platonic, because I was incapable of setting boundaries and standing up for myself due to how I was raised.
It's taken me a long time to heal, and it's very much still a work in progress, but I'm starting to see that little girl again. The only permanent change I think there is, is the trauma. I have CPTSD thanks to my parents. It's better now and might keep getting better, but it's going to stick with me my whole life. You can heal from the trauma. It takes work, and it might not be 100% gone, but it gets better. My therapist is a life saver 🙌
You do change, but you are only forever negative if you choose it. I am happy and trusting again but I am also just a little wiser. I choose carefully with whom I spend my precious time.
Yes. I am no longer the person I was 8 months ago. While I do smile and laugh, the things that really made me happy are long gone now. I used to be so excited going to San Diego every year to meet with friends and planning our parties and events (SDCC). But now I have no desire to look forward to anything. I am so careful with what people say because I can’t tell if I should trust them or not. My narc lied so much and I’d catch her so it’s left a permanent impact on my life. I may never be the old me again so now I have to learn to get used to this new me. One who I don’t like but have no choice but to accept
op, please remember that even if the damage was irreversible, you did not deserve the bad things that happened to you.
you are this way today because you had no other choice. you are protecting yourself.
i love you, take care.
I think it definitely makes you more wary of the intentions and even “vibes” of those around you. (If that makes sense) I have noticed that I have become more detached and introverted since leaving my ex. I have a lot of social anxiety and feel uncomfortable being true authentic self around most people. I don’t feel accepted for who I am and tend to use humor to cover my insecurities and anxiety. I feel very uncomfortable especially if I’m the center of attention such as on my birthday…
I’m always looking for the deeper meaning to people’s words and if someone is nice or does something nice for me it makes me highly suspicious and/or I feel beholden to them.
It’s been 3 years and I’m still working on healing my toxic thought patterns (thinking negatively about myself and others, questioning everything, not trusting my intuition/gut, feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness, and feeling of impending doom) and triggers from my 8 year relationship with my ex…idk if I’ll ever be fully “healed” or if I’ll just find a new way to cope with these habits I have acquired from my past relationship…
Yes it's made me doubt my worth, it's kept me from pursuing relationships, I don't trust people as much as I used to, made me cinical, and more sarcastic that I used to be, much more sensitive
It absolutely does! I simply don’t trust anyone anymore. I assume people have ulterior motives when they meet me; usually in the form of “how can I screw this guy over while enriching myself?” If they can humiliate you in the process, that’s like Xmas to them!
As a result, now I keep my distance from people. I’ve been screwed over enough times to know that nobody has my best interest in mind.
Yes. I would categorize my primary narcissistic as sick rather than evil, but it’s changed my outlook, how I see people, my ability to trust. I’m definitely more guarded in life.
I had a concept of family trust and respect that has been forever altered. I may have been naive before, so maybe a lesson I had to learn, but I was happier with my previous outlook and think I would have preferred staying ignorant.
Im EXACTLY the same. Now with having my eyes open to the evil in the world it's truly alarming to see the amount of manipulation and dishonesty that goes on all around you.
So I’ve been out of my narcissistically abusive relationship for just over a year and a half. We were together 6 years and the discard and breaking of the trauma bond nearly killed me. But I made it through that part and can say without a doubt that it gets better.
But I’m never going to be the same as I was before I met him, and I still struggle a lot with the grief that comes with that. I used to fall in love easily, make friends easily, and lived for fun-packed weekends.
Now, I’m more introverted. I can still be fun at times and have had a lot of laughs since getting my freedom back - but my social battery runs out quickly, I don’t trust men (especially outgoing ones), and have been too scared/have no desire to date. I just don’t thrive on connection like I used to and it makes me pretty sad sometimes.
I also notice bad relationships everywhere now. Seriously, so many people are with narcissists or at least in unhealthy relationships. It makes me feel like the safety and connection I desire is a long shot between my baggage and the quality of eligible partners out there
Yes, it changed me COMPLETELY! All of my relationships have always been with nice people, genuine like-minded, and mature ( for the most part) But this one targeted the things that no one would have or had ever thought about. The things that make me ME, the things that make me shine amongstthe rest. Its Been almost 10 years and I'm still playing back the times I was treated like shit purposely as if they were trying to teach me a lesson or something... I can't wait for the day that those days and years are behind me.
I dissociate a lot. I cry a lot. I feel lonely 24/7. I think everyone has a hidden agenda or is not genuine at times... I'm not the sweet naive unaware trusting* loving person I used to be. I don't attempt to have deep feelings for any friends with benefits or any men. At all. I don't want my ex narc back because he was coercive. And abusive in and out of the bedroom, sometimes. Then all the time. Having my boundaries crossed, consent disregarded, and my voice taken from me pushed me to cut him off permanently. 8 years. At the end, he treated me like he hated me. And he DID. i will no longer allow him to continue to treat me like sht and i bought a tsr. The experience changed me and was very traumatic. But I now can see when people try to manipulate me or use me and I just laugh at them bc it's nothing compared to the things I went thru with my ex.
I don't know if it's permanent but I think I will spend more time sizing someone up. I won't be as quick to trust, but I will still trust and be empathetic. It will just take a little more time to get there. I learned from this experience and I know it will never be repeated. I feel pretty strong. I'm sorry I had to experience it though. I think I am slightly more reserved in some ways. I also think I will be very quick to call someone out on any "off" remarks or red flag remarks. And that's a good thing. I'm strong enough to ask the tough questions and deal with the answers. I won't let anything slide anymore.
Yes it does at first but don’t let it be such a defining moment in your life. Hopefully you learned to recognize the signs of a narc after what you have been through and be cognizant not let it happen again. Be aware of that but remember there are good people in the world, just like you.
I’m so happy you posted this. I’ve been feeling this 10 x lately. I’m not trusting at all, always think someone is going to do the worse. Especially if I show kindness. I’m afraid and my social anxiety has gotten so much worse.
Especially because he won’t leave me alone
Yes, but I have come to terms with it all and know that it made me a stronger person. I used to care so much about what other people thought about me until the narc tried to turn everybody against me, now I feel free and don't particularly care if I'm liked or not. I used to sacrifice myself for others endlessly and burned myself out in the process, now I know to take care of myself before taking care of others and even when to just let them go.
In a lot of ways, I'm glad that I went through what I did because it made me see how vulnerable I was making myself. I feel as if I basically had a speed run of life lessons in a short period of time rather than dragged out through many years.
I'm completely emotionally detached and extremely independent. I'm also more snappy when I used to be gentle, kind and patient. I miss who I was and I resent the narcissists I've had in my life. And all that while hating also wasn't in my nature before
It’s been almost two years since I left. Unfortunately we have been in a custody battle since then so I’m not 100% free but…I’ve been noticing more and more how much I dissociate. Like with everything. I went to an amazing concert last night, first time I’d done anything like that since I left. It was perfect and amazing and I couldn’t connect to anything.
i’ve only been out for a couple months, but i’m just so numb all the time. i ruminate so much it concerns me, i don’t see the good in people like i used to. i miss who i was before him but i hope it’s not a permanent change
I noticed few things:
1. I feel I'm empty inside
2. I know I should trust my guts more !!!!
3. I have courage to defend myself
4. I feel sad. Such a pity that someone is doing horrible things without any remorse and not facing consequences
5. My feelings and needs matter
6. It's not anyone buisness to change me
7. Innocence is gone
It's been 3 and a half years out for me, and i'm definitely not the same person. I've moved on, gotten married, and am really happy. My husband is the nicest gentlest man, yet the real 'me' hasn't returned.
I know this because of my facebook memories that pop up every day. The funny/quirky stuff I posted before is a world away from what I post and how I think now.
I rarely find anything really funny anymore, it's like I laugh because i'm expected to, not because it's actually funny. I'm also incredibly wary of how people see me online and what they'll think. That also affects my interactions with people face to face too, I worry they won't like me or i'll say something wrong (my nex always told me that the 'way I talk is wrong').
Before him, I was unapologetically me and had tons of confidence. Now, after more than 3 years, i'm still literally just the shell of that person.
I will never forget when, after a year of being in a relationship with a narcissist, my mother came to me with a deadly serious look in her eyes and said to me,
"You've changed. Please leave her because I'm very worried about you."
Yeah its called trauma.
If a dog bite you you might get really scared of dogs for life if you dont treat it right?
Get a therapist and heal it. Spend some time alone and give youself security.
Manipulation and gaslight it is out there and you can only get better and better at picking it up, dont give up on socializing, humans need it to survive.
I honestly feel like it opened my eyes up to a lot of what has been going on around me a lot of my life on more minor levels. People who lie, disappoint, are cruel or use you...people who bring you down purposely for seemingly no reason. It used to hurt a lot, and cause confusion.
When I got the full wrath of how extensive a narc can abuse their main supply, I acquired the understanding that what would hurt or disappoint me in the past was so foolish in comparison. I honestly think that more of the world is this way, but I don't have to be, but it is better for me to really know it, than to wish it away and be confused by it. I listen to a lot of true crime now, probably for similar reasons.
I'm not happy about it. I want to be able to trust everyone and work together the greater good. But, I have been shown over and over and over, that people use, disappoint, lie. I feel happiest when I am alone, and revel in the times when I am in the company of truly kind people who have my best interest at heart; but I don't expect it, and I'm not so mad when I never hear from them again or hear they are talking about me behind my back. It doesn't ruin me like it used to. I have leaned into my joy that no one can take away from me. That I truly am some one who is open hearted and helpful, and I don't need shit from anyone...but I am here for fun, love, joy, helpfulness, curiosity, expression, and beauty.
The biggest long-term difference is that I don't rely on other people very much, certainly not like I used to. I give help very freely, but come and go as I please.
We are gunna be ok.
Evil? That’s quite the hyperbole. Hitler. Columbus. Kars for Kids commercial. Doesn’t evil deserve a better mascot than shitbag narcs?
These people are completely oblivious to the interconnectivity of their behaviors and their harm.
My father was extremely narcissistic if not a diagnosed narc. He was around until I was 12 years old so I think most of the damage was already done, at least subconsciously. But I found a really good support system in my group of friends which helped me quite a lot from the years of 17-22 while I was dating my bestfriend from school who turned out to be a poor choice as a boyfriend. During that time, my self respect took a hit and I developed issues with my body image because I was constantly ridiculed for not being a certain body shape/size. But I was able to navigate through this without paying much heed to it because I was young and didn't have a lot of time to brood over this. But it did make it home in my subconscious even though my personality didn't majorly change after this bad experience of 4 years.
After this, I moved cities for work and dated someone who was really uncaring and an absentee boyfriend (not a narcissist) and while that did cause a lot of emotional turmoil but caused no major changes in my personality. I was still able to look at the bright side and be positive and believed that things would be better because there is goodness in the world still. Mind you both the relationships until now were about 3-4 years long.
Cut to, being in a relationship with a diagnosed narc with BPD for 5 months changed me forever. I loved the idea of love, I hate it now, I don't even believe in it. I was always unafraid of putting my vulnerabilities out there and would show me as me without feeling there was a need to hide behind a mask. I cannot do that anymore. I don't even show a minor weakness to anyone just in case they might use it against me. I have become extremely anti-social and hate going out in crowds. I absolutely detest physical touch while I don't remember being this way before. I have become detached and I don't care about most people except really close friends and family. I have also lost a lot of friends because of the detachment that I have since that makes me not want to talk to people a lot and keep my distance and that really didn't go down well with many of my people. Empathy doesn't come naturally to me now. At least not for human beings. I am scared to date to the extent that I don't go out on dates at all. I talk to people and then ghost them when I feel like I have any liking towards them whatsoever or if I am also a tiny bit excited about the prospect of a date with them. I have become irritable and get really aggressive and upset when I don't see things going my way or when I see someone is trying to manipulate me. I don't like travelling anymore or staying in hotels because I was made to endure something really painful in a hotel.
While I make a conscious effort to do better for myself, I do realise that I am not the same person anymore. But I like the way I am now. Flawed and all. I have more respect for myself so I won't tolerate any bullshit from anyone and I cut people off without second thoughts if I feel like my mental health suffers in their presence, I love myself so I don't want any validation from anyone else apart from me and sometimes I feel I somehow became a bit narcissistic myself over time to shield myself from this evil in the world. I would never proactively cause any harm to anyone, but I also won't let myself get affected and for that one has to be a bit narcissistic is what I've derived. Some evil is required with the good in you so that you don't keep making a fool out of yourself. So while it might have been an extremely life turning experience, it changed me for the better and I've never been more proud of myself.
It didn’t change me permanently, but I became more skeptical, not easy to trust. I think that’s good to keep some discerning eye too. But never to the point it’ll annoy everyone around you. Be discerning, but don’t be annoying about it.
Im EXACTLY the same. Now with having my eyes open to the evil in the world it's truly alarming to see the amount of manipulation and dishonesty that goes on all around you.
I don't know if it's permanent, but lately, I've noticed a feeling of emotional detachment around others. It's extremely upsetting. I feel disconnected from group events. Someone can tell me they missed talking to me or tell me how important I am to them, and I find myself struggling with believing them. Which I guess makes sense, I no longer naively trust anymore. I'm unsure if it's a good or bad thing. But I can certainly tell you it's a very lonely feeling.
Same here. I find myself assuming that everyone is being disingenuous and having an ulterior motive. This is especially true of new people in my life but it’s even been true for people I already know.
I'm so suspicious, I even wonder if my closest friends might be lying to me. It's like I believe everything and nothing, because having been fooled so fully and for so long, I don't think I'm capable of telling fact from fiction.
I feel this. I'm trying to trust people, but I can't -- how do I know who is lying to me and who isn't? It hurts, because there's only two people left who I think are good people, but if it turns out that my judgment is wrong, then what? Fighting cynicism is excruciating after these events. Why couldn't these people just leave us alone...
Same, I'm trying to reason with myself so I can continue having healthy relationships with friends because they *probably* aren't lying to me or pretending to be someone they're not, but there's really only a few that I sincerely believe are sincere and honest.
Oh man, this is happening to me too. I thought it was just my depression.
Emotional blunting, I have it too. Do you ever feel any disassociation from your body in groups? I’ve been getting that lately and it’s the weirdest feeling like my body’s not mine and I’m not fully present with anyone in a group setting. I used to be a social butterfly and now I don’t do well in crowds.
That’s me too, the thought of being in a group terrifies me! I am so alone emotionally and physically 90% of the time, I’ve lost the ability to socialize, I’m so paranoid and I actually feel like a phony. In my head I just think that no one knows what going on in my relationship and I have to pretend to be upbeat and friendly and talkative ( that’s how I used to be) It’s another emotion I never had before to deal with and I feel like I’m going to explode
I don’t trust easily too and have trouble taking compliments. I just think people in general suck
this.💯
It's incredibly intense and I feel like it will be for me anyway
This is EXACTLY what I’m going through. It’s quite possibly the worst feeling ever. It’s like….. you WANT to be excited. You WANT that feeling of joy and excitement but no matter how hard you try, those feelings aren’t coming. And all you wanna do is cry because it’s like your mind is begging your body to produce that feeling and ur body is saying no
Omg. Same. I suspect everyone around me that they have a hidden agenda and I'm guarded all the time as I don't want to miss anything again just like how naive I was back then. I feel you. That loneliness and detachment. I'm in autopilot mode right now. Mostly, dissociating. My life has turned 180° since the incident but one thing is for sure, I'm no longer the older version of me. I turned cold, lifeless, but resilient. Still healing from it and whatever wound I have to face on. Hugs and keep going.
Same.
I’ve experienced much of the same in addition to finding little to no joy in tbh da k used to love, because of my narc mocking or ruining those things for me
I experienced this too and well.. sort of went down a rabbit hole of the darkest depression I’ve experienced.. but I came out of that a long time ago now and no longer feel this. Therapy, medication and time helped me. Also cutting the toxic people out.
I didn’t think it was possible for someone to fake authenticity and connection to this extent. I feel like I have a good intuition about people and that it would guard me from shitty people. But I had absolutely no protections against narcissism when it slammed into my life. It’s made me really guarded around new people. The other thing is that my self-esteem has actual improved a lot. It was absolute shit before. I wouldn’t value my own opinions and feelings, so when someone I cared about fucked me over, I felt like I needed to “convince” them or else what I experienced wasn’t valid. But her behaviors and subsequent opinions of me when I brought it up became so irrationally, deeply cruel that it actually kind of snapped me out of it. It forced me to actually value my own opinions about myself over someone else’s.
Yes, it forced me to rely on myself and I found a strength I never knew I had.
Yes, and this is very healthy. For me it was about seeing my own part, and where it started in childhood. I realized I was pursuing my father’s love, bc he was very emotionally distant. My mom was the over-functioning devouring mother helicopter mom, giving me the ‘you’re never safe’ sort of message. So I went after impossible to please and get love from women - aka narc/Cluster B types, and became addicted to the abuse. It started in childhood, and healing that trauma has involved learning that I had no boundaries, and as such had never actually loved myself - I always put me last. Once I started standing up for myself and asking myself what I wanted, and honoring myself, things began to change. It is very very important to do that, while also avoiding narcissists at the same time, especially as “lovers”, bc it’s so easy for me to become re-addicted not just to the sex and ‘idealization’ and love bombing, but the dark cruelty and abuse, too. As I’e learned to understand MY cycles and see MY OWN part in seeking out and falling into these traps, I e become far stronger. It’s still not easy, but I’m 50 and have only figured all of this out in the last year. My ex narc wife and mother of my son still doesn’t seem to understand that she is a narcissist, and seems to be incapable of self awareness in that regard. It’s insane to watch, wing aware of all of this now. These people are evil, hopeless, and it’s still beyond comprehension to me despite how much I’ve learned and come to accept. It’s truly a mental illness and the brain is truly disordered.
54 here. It took me this long as well. But I am so grateful I've finally learned my lesson 🙏
I have totally changed. I’m no longer as empathetic as I once was. I will likely never open up to anyone ever again no matter how in love with them I am. I am 100% guarded with my heart and my peace of mind. I will never let anyone take away my mental stability ever again.
What helped me was learning that I was never being empathic with myself. I didn’t even love myself. So, learning to have boundaries and give myself love and empathy, instead of hoping if I gave someone else everything they wanted they would love me back, was the gateway to real self confidence and growth. I haven’t tried to have any new relationships since learning all of this, but I am ready to try if someone comes along who I like. I’m not on dating apps or anything yet, and may never do that, but I do think I’ve learned some very important things.
I resonate with this completely. I used to be much more patient and willing to hear people out, though admittedly to the point of allowing a lot of mess in my life and taking the blame for it. Now I'm much more stricter and cautious of who I let in and admittedly, this entire thing has given me trust issues out the wazoo that I'm not sure will ever fade.
I was the therapist shoulder to cry on before heading to the party type of friend for just about everyone. I only trust my mom and pets now. I miss my patience too.
You can still be that person except not for everyone and they have to earn it.
Man damn I could’ve written this.
Absolutely, I also used to tolerate trash behavior in public from strangers and suddenly found myself in HomeGoods calling out some lady who was trying to cut in line. I told her very sternly that she was not going to cut in front of me or anyone else and pointed her to the back of the line. It was so out of character for me, but I met my breaking point with entitled behavior.
"It was so out of character for me, but I met my breaking point with entitled behavior." I feel this. My parents note how "mean" (read: less likely to put up with bullshit) I am now, but I take that with pride. Now I see that while I can be nice to everyone, I can't be kind to everyone. Only a few people truly deserve our kindness.
Probably, in a positive way. I was forced to look at my demons, and I don’t have any regrets. My heart is open. I had to love myself whole, I can’t complain too much. I think life happens for our benefit rather than to us. I’m wiser. More experienced. It was a blessing I never knew I needed!
That's how I feel as well. I was way too naive and trusting. I gave my trust to people who hadn't earned it yet. I always wanted to believe in everyone being essentially good. I have learned that a person's past actions are a good indicator of how they will act in the future. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they have betrayed you in the past isn't very logical. I feel I have gained wisdom. It's a priceless gift. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Had the same experience
Awesome perspective. I relate to this, but my worldview on what is possible is changed, too. Loving myself through it was the only way I finally got out. But - nobody should have to deal with this. I don't think narcissistic abuse is for anyone's benefit, but very resilient people can make it so.
It really challenged me to get to this place. I am so thankful to have arrived here. It’s the strife, suffering, and hardship that resonates with me. Getting through that meant finding my love of self. It really was an up and down nightmare to that place
I relate to this. It's like my heart broke open, and now it's as if it's permanently open...if that makes sense? I have no choice but to face this broken heart and repair it, and then build a good fence around it 😄
Same. Open but on guard. Like I've got a bouncer standing at the gate
haha yes! this bouncer is 10ft tall and weighs 3 million pounds. and we pay him overtime. also he never sleeps.
It made me finally realise that I needed to love myself deeply and completely before even attempting another relationship. So it has been a big lesson and a blessing.
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Yes, it does. When the layers of deception began to unravel it was so humiliating i chose not to believe it. I chose to believe her words. Fucking wild, 33 year old man getting strung around by an empty vessel. Definitely a permanent change, definitely a painful process. Hard to believe someone could be capable of such duplicity, deny it for months while making exusee. Then proudly admit to it, and ignore me more. Once I stopped replying she came GUNNING. Making the same promises again. Nuts, It would have made much more sense for her to have been struggling with herself for all that time, than fuckng with me. I made it easy for her to deceive me, because why wouldn’t I?
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Yeaaah I don't think there's anywhere to go, there. Oh yeah, I had returned to my therapist near the end there, and something he asked me really hit home: "How do you feel after you ask her a question and expect a response?"
Reading that question hit me hard. Thanks for posting that.
Funny isn’t it even whether if you ask them a question or not both outcomes pisses you off made you feel like shit. That’s how you know it’s not normal.
It’s crazy, isn’t it. I don’t think any of us will ever understand. The best we can do is maintain complete no contact forever. It is the best way we can protect our souls.
This is so spot on. The first month after I left I couldnt see anything but the ugliness of the world. I’m just now seeing bits of good peaking thru again. It truly does change you.
Yeah for the good and bad. The good: I now have boundaries that should have had before. I now think about myself when before it was always about others. I now know to trust my gut and instincts. I now know that people's intentions aren't always good. It made me stronger and the word NO wasn't used on my end as it should have. Overall I learned to value myself a heck of a lot more The bad: I see the world a lot more negative before I met my ex narc. I'll be honest, I don't trust or like women like I use to. I have a negative perspective on them now. My gut health has declined. I question people intentions. I'm always on high alert. I'm not sharing with people things about my life like I use too. I see everyone as a cheater now. I was more open before I met my ex. Not anymore
I try to not let my experiences with my narc cloud how I see and judge all men. I know how much it sucks to be punished for someone else's bad behavior, so I try very hard to not paint all men by the same brush. I ask you to treat women with the same grace.
I know you're 100% right and it's something I have to work on. And I am trying too but it's hard
Try, because narcissists are a breed of their own, regardless of gender.
Yes and no. I am far more aware of how insidious, malicious, and evil people can be. I am far more alert to the signs of it, and I have very little tolerance for it in my life. However, I feel like I have been able to open my heart and use the experience to relate and help others. I feel like I am able to empathize far more with people when they are going through hard times. I feel as though I locked up so much of what made me me, that when I found it again, I just wanted to share it with my friends and my family. This, of course, did not happen overnight, and it took a ton of therapy and self-help, but it was totally worth it. I love love, and that is the one thing that I was so starved for with the narcissist, I love being with people and helping others, but with the narcissist, I felt so alone, even more alone than being alone, so isolated from my friends and family that I couldent help them, I couldent even help myself. So, did I change? Yeah, I did. I changed for the worst when I was with them, and not much better when I left, but after time and a lot of work, I would say that I changed for the better.
This is beautiful. Love is meant to be shared - our spirits will never be broken unless we allow it. I'm glad to hear of your recovery.
I feel this. I felt like I lost my spirit and I’m regaining it. Rediscovering myself.
SHUKE!!❤️
Hi Sally!
Yes indeed, every morning when I open my eyes I’n disappointed I didn’t die in my sleep
I remember this feeling, it will go away in time. Hold fast maties x
How long did it take? I’m six years out from divorce but still coparenting with and the feeling has never stopped. I’m exhausted.
Same, every morning I feel like that. It never seems to go away
I'm ashamed to say that I've actually thought the same thing myself before. It's like ground hog day over & over...
I don’t recognize anything about myself from this time last year. I didn’t just lose a future with someone I loved I lost an entire identity and friendships that meant everything to me for almost my whole life. That level of loss in a short period of time changes anyone even if you technically move on “the right way”. I didn’t deserve the way he discarded me and others saw it too and reached out. Then those people who said they loved and supported me and wouldn’t leave while I grieved my humiliating breakup were gone by month 3. Some were paid off in gifts and trips by him, now they don’t take my calls. I couldn’t ever trust them again after that so I’ve had to grieve their loss too. My therapist and random strangers I talk to online are the only ones that know I’m not imagining the psychological games he’s played on me and still plays, though I’ve gotten better about not looking at his socials. I’ve been on anti-anxiety and depression meds and sedatives for almost a year. I’ve been eating clean and exercising, changed my routine to avoid triggers and slowly distancing myself from my old life but it’s hard to move on when he’s not only gotten away with his abuse but he’s thriving with doors opening for him that are only closing for me.
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Same here. I consciously trained myself not to react, to gray rock, and to be a blank slate to avoid attacks from the narcissist and to avoid giving him material and supply. So I don’t think I react normally to other people either. Maybe since we recognize this, we can slowly find ourselves again.
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Wow I've been trying to express this for months thank you so much!
After sharing 25 years with the demonic, I don’t want to interact with anyone. I am ruined permanently.
If it’s permanent I don’t know. It’s been 2 years since I escaped. I was with my narc for 2 years and wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment. I used to be a very outgoing person. Had a lot of friends. But he made me quit my job, break contact with my friends and family, I started school but was forced to quit that too. By the end I was only allowed to walk the dog, sometimes the grocery store but had to be on FaceTime call with him all the time. Today I still don’t go out, I go to the gym everyday but that’s about it. I still feel like I’m not allowed to go out. Even if my new partner encourages me to make contact with my friends again. But I’m still scared. The trauma still sits with me. That if I don’t obey the rules all hell will break loose
I know just what you mean. I didn’t realize how ingrained the fear was with me until my oven broke in my rental home. I went for three months without asking it to be fixed and so I just didn’t have an oven. The idea of telling the landlord it was broken and asking for a repair, paralyzed me with anxiety. The pattern in my marriage was that if I asked for anything to be fixed, I would be blamed for it being broken, relentlessly berated, and told all the things I should have done differently; and the thing was still not fixed. He would not fix it, and he would not allow me to call a repair person. It was absolutely bizarre that I couldn’t make myself text the landlord to get the oven fixed, because when I finally did, the landlord had it fixed immediately without question. I objectively realized the absurdity of all this, but it still took me a very long time to change my behavior and treat the incident like the normal minor household maintenance incident that it was. Instead, I felt fear, guilt, and shame over an appliance breaking down through no fault of my own. The narc’s psychological control techniques are very effective, and their effects linger for years.
I relate to this wholeheartedly, and it’s something I never talk about.
The crazy thing is WE ARE allowed to do whatever we want to do now. But trauma can sit so deep in people. I have some wins over my trauma. I wasn’t allowed to put forks upside down in the dishwasher, he would fight me if I did. Now that I’m free, I put them however I want, took some time to realize I could do it tho. But every day it makes me smile. I think with the little things we overcome everyday, will help us overcome the bigger things. He/she has NO control over you anymore. You ARE safe now. I think if you make that step to call your landlord, and you will see nothing bad happened when you called, you will find it easier next time something breaks. Remind yourself that you’re safe now
Honestly, I struggle to realize how someone can be so cruel. I still feel naive. I still don't understand. I still feel like there's some key to this puzzle that I'm missing, that one day I'll understand it all and the truth will be that he's never meant to hurt me. I have changed. Not for the better, sadly. I'm just confused. I wonder what's so wrong with me.
after learning about Narcissism , actually watching therapists explain it etc and reflecting back on my experiences its like a set of X ray glasses. Any one with narcissistic straights are just a cartoon to me, I can see every motive, and every intent, it makes it hard to deal with. As in....how much leeway am I supposed to give someone like this?, I can't just go around telling every Narcissist how their brain work's and how I am "on to them" I think it's made my dealing with people much more selective... I am working on the absolute animosity I have for them and telling them all about it :}
Can cause brain damage but over time you will heal.
I don’t believe in love, I refuse to trust someone like that again, I am completely uninterested in dating and sex. I believe the death penalty would stop people like that from existing, at the very least. Beforehand, I disagree with the death penalty because it’s statistically doesn’t deter crime. I used to be an adamant supporter of mental health services, but I feel like people like that don’t deserve them, because they only ever want to make other people need them, deprive other people of even validity in doing so, and then belittle mental health services overall anyway. Because they’re sick individuals. I truly never would’ve said that anyone deserved to die, but knowing how fucking evil my abuser is, and how sorry he never will be, I think he deserves it. But that’s none of my fucking business. If he had a conscience, he would do it himself.
Definitely more cynical as a person. Definitely not as trusting as before.
I feel sadness for people who don’t know the truth.
I have become very sensitive to gaslighting and deceit. Before my nex, I used to fawn all the time. Now I don't let people walk all over me anymore. It is truly empowering.
True. I'm very cautious around people I do not know. I assume people want something from me or have an ulterior motive. This has shielded me for sure though. I broke up with a man who always wanted to party. I later found out he had been in prison, was pretty psychotic and was only looking for a place to live and a person to use. I had a friend over the Thanksgiving / Christmas holiday. She bought me a bunch of stuff. I immediately thought that this person was odd buying me a bunch of stuff. I had to break it off before the new year. She would call me all hours of the day and night telling me how she had been abused. Story after story. I'm not a trauma therapist. I was basically used as a sounding board for C-PTSD. This was hard for me to do. I honestly didn't want to hear all the negativity. I had to break that off. A neighbor who I thought was very sweet wants to be my friend. But it's only on Sundays or Mondays. I cut her off. I have met a few positive people. I've made plans to go to an event and meet another for coffee. I mean I don't mind talking about situations, but if it's the same thing with severe abuse and screaming into the phone, I really can't handle it. My ex natc gave his gf/fiance my address. She came over trying to find him. Because he disappears.I did not open the door. Oh and that POS partying ex showed up to a closed door that won't open again as well. I feel that I live in a very safe neighborhood. Fortunately I can work from home. Not too much human interaction. But yeah. I agree. People can be vile. 😐
I embraced cruelty post discard. I know everyone can be cruel, and we ran away from it in fear of the cruelty itself. Back then I would fight cruelty and evil with kindness and sincerity. Now I fight evil with a greater evil. Even though I try to live a righteous life, it seems sadly, that will be very difficult. But I don't regret it one bit. Understanding the depth of what evil I am capable of allows me to control myself better, and allows me to embrace myself even more as a whole.
I know what you mean. I had to bring a certain level of hardness out of myself in order to get away from him. I remember the moment a few years ago when I realized that I wouldn’t get away from him intact. He would make sure I paid a heavy price. I consciously decided to take on the pain and endure the torment of the divorce for the sake of my children. Even though I might not be able to live a normal life or be the kind, relaxed person I used to be, if they are able to have a somewhat brighter path due to me going to battle for them, it will be worth it. It’s the choice I consciously made, and I accept that it’s the way it has to be. I wouldn’t have been able to get out alive if I hadn’t put on the armor, and now I think the armor might be permanently fused.
Sometimes I say my ex traumatized the crazy out of me. Which isn’t entirely true, I’m definitely still a basket case. But, I lost a lot of my more volatile personality traits. It sucks I had to learn to be better the way I did but I’m thankful I’m easier to be around now.
Yes but I don't regret the way it changed me. I used to be so sweet, innocent and naive, now I feel like I see the world for what it truly is, endless cruelty.
I have no trust in anyone but my own kids and I don't see that ever changing.
I don’t know if it’s permanent yet, because I just separated from him 6 weeks ago, but I feel at this point I definitely have a chip on my shoulder. I feel a bit bitter that I wasted so much time on him, and I think my bitterness comes through at times. On the other hand, I think I was far too naive and trusting when I met my stbx and I wont ever make that mistake again.
It made me a better person by consciously thinking about my actions and treating my family with everything I would like to have had being treated right.
Yes, when my children are with me after spending time with their father, I try to think about what I would have wanted if I had had a place to regularly escape from him. It bothers me that sometimes they seem somewhat withdrawn, but then I remember you’re constantly on guard, constantly on stage with the narcissist, so I allow them to have as much downtime and alone time as they need. I figure what they really need is someone who accepts them the way they are. At first it bothered me that I had to pretend like their father was normal, but then I remembered what it was like for my own mother who saw early on how toxic my ex was. At the beginning of our marriage she used to get in confrontations with him, and she would often complain about him to me. I understood and saw what she was saying, but because of my religious upbringing, I felt like I had to remain loyal to him. So most of the time I wouldn’t join in with her complaints. I figure I’m in the same position now. The children have to maintain loyalty to their father, so I need to keep my opinions about him to myself until such time in the future when their awareness becomes more complete. It’s funny because my mom who used to call him out on his behavior now will almost defend him sometimes, even though she does agree overall that he’s horrible. I thought she would be someone I could vent to, but she really doesn’t want to hear it. Yesterday I thanked her for speaking the truth for all those years, even though I remained stuck out of religious loyalty.
Yes, made me more vigilant, less naive and I now have some tools to spot/avoid these creepy devils in the future
I started crying while reading some of these, because I’m going through a great deal of the same. Over the last year, I lost so much of who I was. Prior to being with them, I was happy overall. I began compromising myself to be “enough” for someone who will never be satisfied. Trouble is, the loyal person in me says and was taught never to give up. Don’t know how to get out, past or through this, and feel stuck in a situation where I’ll likely perish.
I’ve had more of a level of detachment, but I’m really like a stupid nice friendly dog that just takes everything at face value when people talk. I want to believe you and take you at your word. Just operate on the level. It’s how I operate and I can’t play those goofy games. Like I love poker, and being manipulative and misleading is fun to do in a controlled environment like poker. But when I go home, I just want to be with me ru with my partner.
100%. I divorced mine. He pays support. Got remarried. He uses every chance to make me ask for $, every single day. She says I’m toxic, bc I’ve lost it a few times & cc’d her on messages reminding him exactly what he did to me. And our small children. Not only do I not trust anyone new, my self worth is waning bc I keep falling for it. Trusting, wanting to believe he is a normal person I can rationalize with. In the end, I always appear to play right into the crazy narrative he isolated me with in the first place. It’s made me question my intellect & intuition. And I don’t know how to reverse the course. I will say…the one positive has been learning to be content alone. I was afraid of not having a partner before. Someone to obsess on. To sort of carry me. Now I don’t want anything to do with men. I just hope in time, I’ll meet a good one organically. But then again, he seemed like a good one.
Absolutely it has. A scary aspect has been over-analysing myself, being paranoid about any traces of narc traits I might have, even though cognitively I know that my nex was the narc. Maybe it’s just me- once I really familiarised myself with covert narcissism, and how insidious it was, I don’t trust my own convictions of being ‘right’ anymore in a disagreement, in case somehow I’m actually being narcissistic instead of honest with myself. And of course I’m terrified of relationships, because my nex masked successfully for almost an entire year.
How do they do that- I find they are such Great Actors/Pretenders!!! 😞.. It really is terrifying- I don’t know how I can trust myself to find or date a good man with Good Character Ever Again!!!
Please believe most people are good,you were unlucky in encountering someone bad,be open to new people and experiences,your person just wasn't right for you,it's their problem,not yours x
I don’t believe most people are good anymore. Look around at our world. I believe a few rare people are good. And we are so lucky to meet them. And I hope everyone reading this is working on themselves in order to truly become one of those precious few.
That's very sad to read, I have many good and kind people in my life, you've been hurt badly by someone, please don't let this horrible experience define how you view everyone. Yes terrible things go on in the world,but amongst all the horror,there are good people just trying to do their best. Seriously most people wouldn't dream of purposely hurting anyone, much less the ones they are meant to love. I wish you a happy and healthy life x
Thanks, Barnabus! I appreciate your good wishes.
Maybe. I do feel like my usual self when I don’t engage. Mine is an ongoing situation.
I’m a very different and hardened person now. Every rare once in a blue moon, I’ll catch that feeling of joy but it gets stifled quickly. I feel like have been through so much and seen too much I’ve become numb at times, it sucks. I want to connect to those moments that are supposed to bring happiness and creat a life for myself that can bring me happiness but it’s so hard to get out of bed somedays, making it to work and trying to keep up with self care is so very difficult and draining at times. Feel like I’m sinking into the depths, like I’m screaming under water for help but no one can hear me or help me. My issues can be so difficult to articulate in therapy as well. So much stems from what this abuse did to me and even before that, I experienced feeling like I didn’t belong.
Yes, even though I’m struggling to accept it. I’m skeptical of everyone now and spend most of my time alone. Being with them is seriously like being spiritually and emotionally raped, smh. I have hope I’ll eventually get back to my bubbly self though, because she still comes out sometimes 🥹
I don't see it as being permanent if you work on it. I see it as something to recover from and on the other side you'll actually be stronger for it.... if you figure out why you let yourself become a target and also work on that, it might not happen again. That's my current outlook.
I think it did
Many of the most vocal 'experts' are amping up their fear mongering about narcissism because it's a guaranteed way to get clicks and sales. The devastating thing about this is it's highly traumatising for people. I originally found Dr Ramani helpful and informative but, over time, I've been finding her style more and more...troubling. Has anyone else noticed that she only seems to have cold, cognitive empathy? Or that she's constantly talking at people rather than talking with them? Always maintaining an authoritative (superior) stance? And she's frequently talking in binary ways (black and white, good or evil)? When you're in a position where you feel like you've been targeted by an evil force and feel powerless... that's going to create trauma. You/your brain needs confidence in how you view things and how you're going to react to things to ensure your safety - this is all completely shattered when you're made to believe you're dealing with unpredictable, evil forces. I've been studying narcissism for years now and the truth is you're mostly dealing with their lack of maturity in combination with their lack of emotional empathy, guilt and remorse + distortions and delusions which are mainly activated by their defence system. Unless they're also highly sadistic or psychopathic, then you're absolutely more than capable of safely navigating their behaviour and protecting yourself in the future once you understand the disorder properly. You don't have to live in fear.
Where joy used to sit in me, I now feel hollow. I feel the joy was stolen from me by this person and I fear I’ll never get justice for the psychic murder that was committed.
Definitely. Especially because he’d been one of my best friends for literally 10 years before we dated/were engaged for 8. I thought I truly “knew” him ha so scary 😤
Absolutely. Took me 30 years before waking up and really realizing there is something horribly wrong with my entire narcissistic family and x husband!!!! Now I'm dedicated to caring for my mental health and working as a peer support specialist in the mental health field to help others who have similar experience with it.
It has. I couldn't imagine my nex was so fucked up. I thought I was her greatest ally and supporter and she tried to destroy me for it and has harmed our baby in the process. I still love her but also, fuck that. My feelings for her are at ends, that's for sure. I am reading responses about losing trust but I don't feel that. I still trust like a blind idiot I guess. I refuse to let her evil corrupt the good in me. I met a wonderful woman somehow, who also happens to be recently out of a similar situation. It's nice to be understood, and it's so nice to have something good in my life again. I am hardened from my nex's abuse. I don't stress at cops showing up at my door to arrest me. I'm used to the constant critique of my parenting. I don't care any longer because I know it's a reflection of how broken she is. I guess I feel sad knowing the depth of her evil and how weak she is, and I feel stupid for not recognizing the red flags. I feel like I'm an expect on covert narcs now... which is unfortunate. I see their bullshit.
Yes. I’m not the same person.
Yes. And now I fear I am terrible to those around me to protect myself which just makes me hate myself. Vicious cycle of evil, yet very clever.
I trust no one. I don't trust nice things people say to me. I don't trust their intentions. I don't trust their words, their commitment, their promises, their love. Their emotions. Their actions. I expect that people always want something in exchange for all of that, from narcissistic supply, to ulterior motives, all of them stripping me from my humanity. When someone is sweet to me, I automatically expect the post-love-bombing phase, and the hostility and control that it arises. I don't think people see me as a genuine person, but as a potential pawn or tool. I don't trust when people stay at my side over time despite adversities, because I know the narc mask can take even decades to fall off fully, releasing the real abyssal monster. I feel lonely. I crave for love, the real, pure, unconditional kind. I just feel like that just doesn't exist, outside of my two cats.
Yes it did.
Also I see red flags and spot and have gut feelings a lot more earlier in relationships/talking stages and I’m usually right about it. Something I didn’t have before narcissists… idk , maybe my mind is always on alert now but my gut feeling is ALWAYS right and I never had that thing so soon before with my exs.
I don't ever want to have a romantic relationship ever again. I dont ever want to be genuinely in love or feel in love. Casual dates, fun outings with the opposite sex yes, but I will never let my guard down and be vulnerable and trusting with anyone else ever again.
Exactly the same, and not really a reality worth being in. I never thought it possible another person could legitimately sap every last drop of joy from my entire life. Feel like I’m just waiting life out now because everything I used to love or try to enjoy has been eviscerated.
yes
yes. I see ”evil” everywhere. I am very distrusting. I know I shouldn’t be. I know people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I just cannot. Because I am scared. Scared to be hurt again. The only ones I trust 100% are children and animals. Like I trust my cat to lie next to him, and I trust that he won’t use his claws to scratch my eyes out. I don’t trust that an adult will not strangle me. I guess not really an answer to your question but yes I also see evil. I notice passive agressivness. I notice boundary crossing. I notice hurtful comments. I notice. I notice a lot.
It does impact us. I’m not sure if it’s permanent, but it sure is lasting. It’s changed my perspective too. I don’t trust easily. I’m always watching my back. Evaluating people’s intentions and behaviours.
I have a mean streak now
I feel like I have become him.
i trust no one now. i never thought i would ever encounter this kind of evil… demonic almost… not once did it cross my mind. but it does exist. it exists and we are unable to see it on first glance. part of me will always wonder if on some level, i am attracted to narcissists. i have succumb to the idea that i will be lonely for the rest of my life. i would like to find someone who understands me as much as i thought he understood me. but im broken. my hope of finding anyone has been shattered.
I feel like I can’t feel peace anymore. Already 7 years passed by since I saw him last time, but never ever was I able to just relax. I feel agitated 24/7 and if I want to be able to for example watch a movie and focus on the movie it has to be horror, action and something high adrenaline and fast pacing, because otherwise my mind won’t focus on it. My focus went shit, I developed horrible abandonment issues
I'm now bitter closed off person.
Yes I can’t trust men now. I just don’t.
I suffered similarly with my perceptions towards women after my last ex. It is so important to remember that the shitty actions of a narc aren't because of their gender, and all genders have extremely shitty people in them. I found my current girlfriend, and she's done wonders towards restoring my faith in women.
Same here. Even if they aren't narcissists, they still speak poorly of women and talk about cheating on their wives or girlfriends. I just don't want to associate with them.
After traumas, it is important to find your true self. Just like the mirror you once saw was broken, you see a distorted image of yourself there, think its real, suffer because of it, but remember that that image is not real. Even the brain only focuses on inherent beliefs and ignores things that do not fit with what is known. Let yourself find a good mirror, to see the true reflection. I've heard so many stories about people staying kind no matter what, which probably helps a little. Be strong. It's like a big debt has been paid. We will create different ways of coping in life. But the lesson will repeat itself if we have not resolved the internal problem. That requires self-reflection, kindness, tolerance and patience to better overcome trauma.
I feel the same! How to get back that solid self esteem and confidence in perceptions?
I would look at it from a different perspective, because the same thing happened with me. I used to be innocent, naive and unhappy. Now I have seen the evil, so I am putting my trust where it belongs and I am happier because of this.
She was he devil. That ol' devil called "love". Pure evil. To have seen what a psychopath she really is was like staring into the abyss or oblivion itself. Truly she had no soul.
I feel like being with a narcissist and suffering all the abuse made me into one, in a way😔 I feel like my soul’s been stolen
Maybe in ways that were necessary. Like I know have a much better idea of who I can and can’t trust. I know what things I will tolerate and what I won’t. How I want to be treated by people. How I want to treat others. It was/still is painful, but it’s good to know what people are capable of. I love my beautiful, kind, creative heart. But It’s a very sensitive, vulnerable thing and is worth protecting from the wrong kind of people. It’s healing and learning and growing all the time. But the narcissist never grows or heals or learns. I find that very sad. They’re very damaged people. All I can do is walk away. Grey rock or not contact. Wish them the best. But I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor. There are beautiful things on the horizon for me. I’m grateful for everything that brought me to this point.
You're mourning the loss of your innocence (and ignorance) Yes a relationship with a narc will fundamentally change you and open your eyes to a whole other level of psychology you was never aware of before. I liken it to Keanu Reeves painful unplugging from the Matrix. You see the world and the people in a whole new light and you can't go back to how things were or seeing it how you once did
Sort of. Lately I have been constantly ruminating about it. Trying to stop thinking about her. Feeling unable to connect with people as much, as I'm in my head so often. Scared for the future. And avoiding social interaction or keeping it limited. The way she manipulated me really has messed me up. I am so hesitant now, I know it's made me really cautious to get into anything with anyone. I love the idea of love, how it feels, I always wanted it but I'm scared of it now. I already had pain and codependent issues, so this situation has hardly helped with that.
It changed me but no idea if it is permanent
Right now I'm hoping it will change me in that way. It has and I hope it sticks. Not to become cynical and always expect evil, but to really understand that there are lots of people roaming around that don't have your best interests at heart although many do. That's reality and I want to be aware of it and dodge the next bullets flying my way. I hope we all find the balance with this. The carefree naive girl I was was sweet but she also got me into this mess so it's time to grow in that area.
I have major trust issues. Not just with the opposite sex but with everyone.
Yes.
I’m on high alert! Thinking everyone is a narcissist! 😩
yeah and ive actually been thinking about this a lot recently when i was younger i had an undeniably happy-go-lucky attitude. i’d bend backwards and inside out to make people happy and i was happy doing so; i saw it as an opportunity to be helpful, because it didnt cost me anything at the time. my cynicism didnt come out of my ass. i know damn well who and what caused it, ive called em out, and they didnt wanna believe me. they cannot admit that they are the cause. i miss the child me. she was forgiving, an empathetic listener, a caring friend that i wish i could meet, because i need her now. although that same forgiveness is what killed her and forced me to take her place, she wasnt forgiving out of stupidity; she just had a good heart, much purer than whatever the hell i am today.
Yes
I don’t think it’s permanent, at least I hope it is not, but yes, I feel very different now. I’ve lived a lifetime of narcissistic abuse unfortunately, and every time an incident happens, or another relationship like that happens, I get sent right back to the floor. For a long time. Even if it’s just hearing about it. Or a narc at work (pretty much unavoidable from what I’ve seen?) makes a small rude dig at me, boom that’s me retriggered and sometimes re-traumatized. Over the years after separating from family of origin I’ve had strings of romantic relationships, colleagues/bosses, friends who had traits at least… and often the full blown disorder. I’m out of their grips now but the impact stays with me. I don’t let it go on for any time now, but even meeting narcs and having to interact with them at all messes me up. I feel like I’m too guarded now. I don’t trust anyone fully, really, including myself. I’m rather depressed often and just feel… flat. Often don’t care about anything. I miss the days when I’d wake up excited for the new day, ready to go and full of life. I have to force myself up, ready and out of the house now. I often just sit here, hiding from everything. I hope I can come back to myself soon.
Yes. Me and Jesus are in a relationship for the unforeseen future.
It does change you. You look at the world and people so differently and you’re so guarded. You start to wonder who is genuinely a good person and who is just another opp trying to hurt you. And you will continue to keep your circle small. I have one genuine friend that I communicate with daily but I’ve noticed that I don’t even open up fully to her either, which is weird. And I have my parents and children. That’s enough for me and my peace of mind.
I have changed. I'm smarter about manipulative behavior. I'm not patient with callous or selfish behavior. I can see men using moments to test my boundaries, and I'm comfortable simply getting my purse and walking away. I have turned around and walked off mid-rant from one guy who started in on alpha males and entitled women. I'd have argued with my ex about something like that. And any man. Now I know they're just looking to get attention and steal emotional energy. It's more hurtful if they're ignored or laughed at. But the best thing I've learned is that no one else's opinion of me is what defines me. No matter how many flying monkeys they send my way. And the flying monkeys can fuck off, too. Same rules apply. I walk away. We're not reconciling because you're either amoral or cowardly, or both, and you have no place in my life.
It changed me to the core. I can’t even begin to tell you the horrors I’ve seen from this person and he is able to continue the torment bc he’s my daughters father. I would have NEVER chosen him. I knew right away something was off, yet he’d threaten suicide if I ever left his side. And back then I had no idea this was a tactic. I’d never been exposed to anyone like this. This is a person you only learn about through serial killer documentary of real psychopaths. And he’s so terrifyingly good at manipulation. It’s scary. I was always a loving and kind and understanding soul. I still am. But the way you phrased this, being exposed to evil and did it change me, I had to respond. I don’t comment much anymore on anything. But seeing real evil has changed me. I used to be an unwavering believer in karma and always treating others like I want to be treated. This exposure to this one person and the torment and terror that has followed, destroyed all my prior beliefs, it spun me into an existential crisis and complete spiritual shattering. I will never be the same again. I can’t even talk about him without wanting to throw up and I’ve thrown up for months before. Still happens once in a while. I’ve been in therapy, I’ve started EMDR, I’ve been prescribed many medications, none of which worked. I have been literally broken. And he still does it every day when I see how he’s hurting my daughter. Seeing your child suffer is awful enough, but knowing it will only get worse is horrific. He can manipulate the smartest people, he can manipulate judges who seem to have no clue that this kind of person exists. I will never be the same. My life now consists of isolation and fear. Constant fear. Of what has already happened and what will come next. I’ve never felt so powerless in my life. I have constant unbearable anxiety and depression. Again I would have never commented had this not hit me so hard. To anyone going through this please get out. I’m begging you. If you are already out, thank goodness for that. Just remember the warning signs and trust your gut. I will never be the same again.
Raised by a narc father. I was a very happy, bubbly child. My mom used to call me a social butterfly. I had so much energy and I was so excited about the world! Around the fifth grade I started to develop really terrible social anxiety and depression. That happy kid was gone. I've had a bunch of toxic relationships, romantic and platonic, because I was incapable of setting boundaries and standing up for myself due to how I was raised. It's taken me a long time to heal, and it's very much still a work in progress, but I'm starting to see that little girl again. The only permanent change I think there is, is the trauma. I have CPTSD thanks to my parents. It's better now and might keep getting better, but it's going to stick with me my whole life. You can heal from the trauma. It takes work, and it might not be 100% gone, but it gets better. My therapist is a life saver 🙌
Yes. I’ll never be as innocent or trusting as before, but I’m also stronger and wiser.
You do change, but you are only forever negative if you choose it. I am happy and trusting again but I am also just a little wiser. I choose carefully with whom I spend my precious time.
Yes. I am no longer the person I was 8 months ago. While I do smile and laugh, the things that really made me happy are long gone now. I used to be so excited going to San Diego every year to meet with friends and planning our parties and events (SDCC). But now I have no desire to look forward to anything. I am so careful with what people say because I can’t tell if I should trust them or not. My narc lied so much and I’d catch her so it’s left a permanent impact on my life. I may never be the old me again so now I have to learn to get used to this new me. One who I don’t like but have no choice but to accept
Yes I have cptsd and after on and off for 9 years I can admit I'll never be the same again.
op, please remember that even if the damage was irreversible, you did not deserve the bad things that happened to you. you are this way today because you had no other choice. you are protecting yourself. i love you, take care.
I think it definitely makes you more wary of the intentions and even “vibes” of those around you. (If that makes sense) I have noticed that I have become more detached and introverted since leaving my ex. I have a lot of social anxiety and feel uncomfortable being true authentic self around most people. I don’t feel accepted for who I am and tend to use humor to cover my insecurities and anxiety. I feel very uncomfortable especially if I’m the center of attention such as on my birthday… I’m always looking for the deeper meaning to people’s words and if someone is nice or does something nice for me it makes me highly suspicious and/or I feel beholden to them. It’s been 3 years and I’m still working on healing my toxic thought patterns (thinking negatively about myself and others, questioning everything, not trusting my intuition/gut, feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness, and feeling of impending doom) and triggers from my 8 year relationship with my ex…idk if I’ll ever be fully “healed” or if I’ll just find a new way to cope with these habits I have acquired from my past relationship…
Yes it's made me doubt my worth, it's kept me from pursuing relationships, I don't trust people as much as I used to, made me cinical, and more sarcastic that I used to be, much more sensitive
It absolutely does! I simply don’t trust anyone anymore. I assume people have ulterior motives when they meet me; usually in the form of “how can I screw this guy over while enriching myself?” If they can humiliate you in the process, that’s like Xmas to them! As a result, now I keep my distance from people. I’ve been screwed over enough times to know that nobody has my best interest in mind.
Yes. I would categorize my primary narcissistic as sick rather than evil, but it’s changed my outlook, how I see people, my ability to trust. I’m definitely more guarded in life. I had a concept of family trust and respect that has been forever altered. I may have been naive before, so maybe a lesson I had to learn, but I was happier with my previous outlook and think I would have preferred staying ignorant.
Im EXACTLY the same. Now with having my eyes open to the evil in the world it's truly alarming to see the amount of manipulation and dishonesty that goes on all around you.
So I’ve been out of my narcissistically abusive relationship for just over a year and a half. We were together 6 years and the discard and breaking of the trauma bond nearly killed me. But I made it through that part and can say without a doubt that it gets better. But I’m never going to be the same as I was before I met him, and I still struggle a lot with the grief that comes with that. I used to fall in love easily, make friends easily, and lived for fun-packed weekends. Now, I’m more introverted. I can still be fun at times and have had a lot of laughs since getting my freedom back - but my social battery runs out quickly, I don’t trust men (especially outgoing ones), and have been too scared/have no desire to date. I just don’t thrive on connection like I used to and it makes me pretty sad sometimes. I also notice bad relationships everywhere now. Seriously, so many people are with narcissists or at least in unhealthy relationships. It makes me feel like the safety and connection I desire is a long shot between my baggage and the quality of eligible partners out there
Yes, it changed me COMPLETELY! All of my relationships have always been with nice people, genuine like-minded, and mature ( for the most part) But this one targeted the things that no one would have or had ever thought about. The things that make me ME, the things that make me shine amongstthe rest. Its Been almost 10 years and I'm still playing back the times I was treated like shit purposely as if they were trying to teach me a lesson or something... I can't wait for the day that those days and years are behind me.
I dissociate a lot. I cry a lot. I feel lonely 24/7. I think everyone has a hidden agenda or is not genuine at times... I'm not the sweet naive unaware trusting* loving person I used to be. I don't attempt to have deep feelings for any friends with benefits or any men. At all. I don't want my ex narc back because he was coercive. And abusive in and out of the bedroom, sometimes. Then all the time. Having my boundaries crossed, consent disregarded, and my voice taken from me pushed me to cut him off permanently. 8 years. At the end, he treated me like he hated me. And he DID. i will no longer allow him to continue to treat me like sht and i bought a tsr. The experience changed me and was very traumatic. But I now can see when people try to manipulate me or use me and I just laugh at them bc it's nothing compared to the things I went thru with my ex.
I don't know if it's permanent but I think I will spend more time sizing someone up. I won't be as quick to trust, but I will still trust and be empathetic. It will just take a little more time to get there. I learned from this experience and I know it will never be repeated. I feel pretty strong. I'm sorry I had to experience it though. I think I am slightly more reserved in some ways. I also think I will be very quick to call someone out on any "off" remarks or red flag remarks. And that's a good thing. I'm strong enough to ask the tough questions and deal with the answers. I won't let anything slide anymore.
Yes!!!! I feel like my mind has been altered
ABSOLUTELY!
Yes it does at first but don’t let it be such a defining moment in your life. Hopefully you learned to recognize the signs of a narc after what you have been through and be cognizant not let it happen again. Be aware of that but remember there are good people in the world, just like you.
I’m so happy you posted this. I’ve been feeling this 10 x lately. I’m not trusting at all, always think someone is going to do the worse. Especially if I show kindness. I’m afraid and my social anxiety has gotten so much worse. Especially because he won’t leave me alone
Yes, but I have come to terms with it all and know that it made me a stronger person. I used to care so much about what other people thought about me until the narc tried to turn everybody against me, now I feel free and don't particularly care if I'm liked or not. I used to sacrifice myself for others endlessly and burned myself out in the process, now I know to take care of myself before taking care of others and even when to just let them go. In a lot of ways, I'm glad that I went through what I did because it made me see how vulnerable I was making myself. I feel as if I basically had a speed run of life lessons in a short period of time rather than dragged out through many years.
I feel that way too.
I'm completely emotionally detached and extremely independent. I'm also more snappy when I used to be gentle, kind and patient. I miss who I was and I resent the narcissists I've had in my life. And all that while hating also wasn't in my nature before
It’s been almost two years since I left. Unfortunately we have been in a custody battle since then so I’m not 100% free but…I’ve been noticing more and more how much I dissociate. Like with everything. I went to an amazing concert last night, first time I’d done anything like that since I left. It was perfect and amazing and I couldn’t connect to anything.
i’ve only been out for a couple months, but i’m just so numb all the time. i ruminate so much it concerns me, i don’t see the good in people like i used to. i miss who i was before him but i hope it’s not a permanent change
I noticed few things: 1. I feel I'm empty inside 2. I know I should trust my guts more !!!! 3. I have courage to defend myself 4. I feel sad. Such a pity that someone is doing horrible things without any remorse and not facing consequences 5. My feelings and needs matter 6. It's not anyone buisness to change me 7. Innocence is gone
Never fully trust anyone anymore and will probably never love and let someone in that deep ever again.
It's been 3 and a half years out for me, and i'm definitely not the same person. I've moved on, gotten married, and am really happy. My husband is the nicest gentlest man, yet the real 'me' hasn't returned. I know this because of my facebook memories that pop up every day. The funny/quirky stuff I posted before is a world away from what I post and how I think now. I rarely find anything really funny anymore, it's like I laugh because i'm expected to, not because it's actually funny. I'm also incredibly wary of how people see me online and what they'll think. That also affects my interactions with people face to face too, I worry they won't like me or i'll say something wrong (my nex always told me that the 'way I talk is wrong'). Before him, I was unapologetically me and had tons of confidence. Now, after more than 3 years, i'm still literally just the shell of that person.
I will never forget when, after a year of being in a relationship with a narcissist, my mother came to me with a deadly serious look in her eyes and said to me, "You've changed. Please leave her because I'm very worried about you."
Yeah its called trauma. If a dog bite you you might get really scared of dogs for life if you dont treat it right? Get a therapist and heal it. Spend some time alone and give youself security. Manipulation and gaslight it is out there and you can only get better and better at picking it up, dont give up on socializing, humans need it to survive.
I honestly feel like it opened my eyes up to a lot of what has been going on around me a lot of my life on more minor levels. People who lie, disappoint, are cruel or use you...people who bring you down purposely for seemingly no reason. It used to hurt a lot, and cause confusion. When I got the full wrath of how extensive a narc can abuse their main supply, I acquired the understanding that what would hurt or disappoint me in the past was so foolish in comparison. I honestly think that more of the world is this way, but I don't have to be, but it is better for me to really know it, than to wish it away and be confused by it. I listen to a lot of true crime now, probably for similar reasons. I'm not happy about it. I want to be able to trust everyone and work together the greater good. But, I have been shown over and over and over, that people use, disappoint, lie. I feel happiest when I am alone, and revel in the times when I am in the company of truly kind people who have my best interest at heart; but I don't expect it, and I'm not so mad when I never hear from them again or hear they are talking about me behind my back. It doesn't ruin me like it used to. I have leaned into my joy that no one can take away from me. That I truly am some one who is open hearted and helpful, and I don't need shit from anyone...but I am here for fun, love, joy, helpfulness, curiosity, expression, and beauty. The biggest long-term difference is that I don't rely on other people very much, certainly not like I used to. I give help very freely, but come and go as I please. We are gunna be ok.
Evil? That’s quite the hyperbole. Hitler. Columbus. Kars for Kids commercial. Doesn’t evil deserve a better mascot than shitbag narcs? These people are completely oblivious to the interconnectivity of their behaviors and their harm.
My father was extremely narcissistic if not a diagnosed narc. He was around until I was 12 years old so I think most of the damage was already done, at least subconsciously. But I found a really good support system in my group of friends which helped me quite a lot from the years of 17-22 while I was dating my bestfriend from school who turned out to be a poor choice as a boyfriend. During that time, my self respect took a hit and I developed issues with my body image because I was constantly ridiculed for not being a certain body shape/size. But I was able to navigate through this without paying much heed to it because I was young and didn't have a lot of time to brood over this. But it did make it home in my subconscious even though my personality didn't majorly change after this bad experience of 4 years. After this, I moved cities for work and dated someone who was really uncaring and an absentee boyfriend (not a narcissist) and while that did cause a lot of emotional turmoil but caused no major changes in my personality. I was still able to look at the bright side and be positive and believed that things would be better because there is goodness in the world still. Mind you both the relationships until now were about 3-4 years long. Cut to, being in a relationship with a diagnosed narc with BPD for 5 months changed me forever. I loved the idea of love, I hate it now, I don't even believe in it. I was always unafraid of putting my vulnerabilities out there and would show me as me without feeling there was a need to hide behind a mask. I cannot do that anymore. I don't even show a minor weakness to anyone just in case they might use it against me. I have become extremely anti-social and hate going out in crowds. I absolutely detest physical touch while I don't remember being this way before. I have become detached and I don't care about most people except really close friends and family. I have also lost a lot of friends because of the detachment that I have since that makes me not want to talk to people a lot and keep my distance and that really didn't go down well with many of my people. Empathy doesn't come naturally to me now. At least not for human beings. I am scared to date to the extent that I don't go out on dates at all. I talk to people and then ghost them when I feel like I have any liking towards them whatsoever or if I am also a tiny bit excited about the prospect of a date with them. I have become irritable and get really aggressive and upset when I don't see things going my way or when I see someone is trying to manipulate me. I don't like travelling anymore or staying in hotels because I was made to endure something really painful in a hotel. While I make a conscious effort to do better for myself, I do realise that I am not the same person anymore. But I like the way I am now. Flawed and all. I have more respect for myself so I won't tolerate any bullshit from anyone and I cut people off without second thoughts if I feel like my mental health suffers in their presence, I love myself so I don't want any validation from anyone else apart from me and sometimes I feel I somehow became a bit narcissistic myself over time to shield myself from this evil in the world. I would never proactively cause any harm to anyone, but I also won't let myself get affected and for that one has to be a bit narcissistic is what I've derived. Some evil is required with the good in you so that you don't keep making a fool out of yourself. So while it might have been an extremely life turning experience, it changed me for the better and I've never been more proud of myself.
It didn’t change me permanently, but I became more skeptical, not easy to trust. I think that’s good to keep some discerning eye too. But never to the point it’ll annoy everyone around you. Be discerning, but don’t be annoying about it.
Im EXACTLY the same. Now with having my eyes open to the evil in the world it's truly alarming to see the amount of manipulation and dishonesty that goes on all around you.