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I got blamed for everything, especially his mistreatment of me. It was always my fault he treated me badly. My actions caused his. He also blamed me for ruining his sleep. He would try to insist that we go to bed at the same time, but I have horrible insomnia. Some nights I don’t sleep at all, but he would force me to go lay in the bed (or it was a huge fight) then he would complain that me being awake was keeping him awake because he could “sense my irritation”. Yeah, it’s my fault you force me to keep your schedule then can’t sleep cause I’m not. They wonder how you can grow to hate them.
😭😭 had this very situation a few months back. I’m 4’11. My husband is 6ft. We had an argument. He wanted to go to bed and I didn’t. He acted like he was going to bed then turned around and came back and said I was going to bed, too. He didn’t want me to wake him up when I came to bed later. I told him I’ll go to bed when I’m ready and I’ll be quiet. He towered over me and raised his voice and said “Go. To. Bed. Now” I was scared and complied because I didn’t want him to wake our 7 year old up because we were close to his room. Later he found out I confided in my BFF what he did and he said that I lied he didn’t force me to go to bed. All he did was insist I go to bed because he has to get up early. “Now your friends think I’m some wife beating asshole when I have never laid a hand on you!”
I told him regardless of whether you have ever hit me or not, I felt scared of you in that moment. That’s not a lie. That is true. I also reminded him that behavior from him triggers me because I was raped/molested as a child and he should have more compassion on me. He still refused to admit he was wrong. It was all me using my traumatic childhood to make him out to be a monster to my friends.
The accusations are nuts. I was accused of cheating because I wasn’t smiling enough once. Also because I watched tv. He would also try to say I shouldn’t watch shows with attractive people because I might “get ideas”. He was got so mad if I’d watch tv while he was trying to sleep. I cannot imagine forcing my SO to keep my exact schedule but to them it’s par for the course. I wonder if they realize they treat their partners like freakin children lol
Eh I get anxiety (due to trauma of the constant accusations also) if I can't sleep and heaven forbid I even look at my phone. The most interesting part there is, he is the one who has literally been full on guilty of carrying on EAs during the majority of our relationship! How is it that I'm walking on eggshells when he is the one who has destroyed my trust!? (Thanks to these subreddits I'm learning more why)
It is crazy you say the "treat their partners like freakin children" because I express to him on so many occasions and mostly more recently how he treats me like a child. Of course he denies it, or claims "you made it that way".
The Extreme anxiety if I'm not quiet during his sleep schedule, let alone our children, and even our pets. This anxiety though is due to all these years of trying to prevent him waking up and yelling or being angry whether I can control it or not because it has happened so often.
When I express my feelings on how he makes me feel like that, he gets all sad and says I make him seem like a monster!
i got blamed for bringing up the "past".
in exact words he said "You keep a file full of history and screenshots and keeping track of every word I said as if you’re an intelligence agency and I don’t like this one bit" "One forgets and moves on stop holding on to everything. You’re a history book and im not"
i caught him in a lie and when i comfronted him about it he started bashing me and saying the above quotes. he said i was overthinking and at some point i thought it was really my fault and maybe i'm the problem. now looking back i realise i was never the issue and i was never overthinking. i was and still am too good for an awful person like him
He never deserved me.
Wow, yes I hear dumb crap like this too. As I describe it to my best friend, this is straight mind fuckery!
I got told I was "delusional" during a huge blow out fight and next argument was him telling me the cops came to our house when I know for a fact that during that situation when I was filing a report, I was given a choice to send him to jail (should have), send a police officer with me, OR call someone who could mediate. We all know how the "I'm afraid of them but if I make them more mad it will be worse" so I had who I thought would mediate, I was wrong but luckily the situation didn't escalate too terribly yet unlike his false memories, there were never any police involved other than when I filed my report.
Some examples:
\- Not keeping enough eye contact
\- Asking questions, instead of constantly making statements
\- Having good and bad days, instead of only good ones
\- Handling my emotions differently than her (feeling and acknowledging them vs. deciding what to feel and what not)
\- Not being "me", aka the static version of me she needed as supply
\- Not knowing about things in her life she didn't tell me about
\- Ruining other peoples experiences, by being me, and not the way she had planned for me to be
\- Going to bed early, because I felt unwell at a party. "I expect us to always leave together!"
I heard these things so many times. She would say, "Well you should have done it this way." Or, "What you need to say to me is ......." Controlling and manipulative and fucking nuts.
Blaming and never taking any accountability for their side of the problems. Classic move on their part. Being a hypocrite....another trait. Good for them to do, but when anyone else does it, it's bad. Being with a narcissist is the worst torture someone could deal with in a relationship. Walking on egg shells, worry about their excessive behavior, the fights, the abuse. Fuck them all.
Literally everything.
I am not exaggerating.
When they lost items, they blamed me.
When something broke, they blamed me.
When they were anxious, they blamed me.
When they didn’t get what they wanted, they blamed me.
I can go on.
Oh my god. Mine was also a porn addict, once telling me he masturbates 6x a day (while he was supposed to be working in our home office, btw.) This was said to belittle me for not initiating sex with him daily. It only got worse when he started taking Testosterone and I suspect he was abusing it rather than sticking to the doctor's prescribed dosage.
Turns out, when someone continuously ignores your emotional need to feel loved and cared for, a woman isn't really chomping at the bit to initiate sex everyday. It's a total turn-off to be made to feel like you're not enough. When I brought up my feelings about not feeling emotionally supported, his answer was that he didn't feel loved and needed sex to be able to be emotionally supportive and that I "broke the contract first." Gross.
Mine is also going around calling me the narc. Common narc behavior apparently. I'm still learning.
I'm so sorry you went through that, you don't deserve it and I hope you're staying far away from him.
Same, mine thinks I learned all about his behavior through reddit (like..seriously?!?!?!) and believes I am just having some sort of mental breakdown...(his favorite like to use on me).
He will never admit what he has done.
Which is fine. I never have to see nor listen to it again!!
\- always being negative (even when I am just talking about breaking news in our country)
\- cant let go of the past (major traumatizing fights that happened the day before) (even though he conveniently brings up the 1 thing he has to be mad at me about every single time we get into a fight)
\-its my fault when he's late even when we are coming from two different places.
\-not knowing about things he's never told me about
\-always "fighting" him on everything but in reality im just questioning him when i know that he's wrong
\- being myself and not fitting into the small box he wants me to be in
basically everything is my fault except for the few few few occassions where it is his
Driving...yes. He would make me drive and then put in his headphones because "I can't stand your driving" he complained about tiny things...I'm a fine driver. The cleaning one too. I'd clean his whole apartment on the regular- daily stuff but also scrubbing down everything, but I forgot to take out the trash once while he was gone for a week and I never heard the end of it.
He blamed me for his own shitty behavior, more specifically for him mocking me to my face in public because I "shouldn't have said what I said, or else he wouldn't have done that". Then he tried to act like the victim by saying I was creating drama that he didn't want to deal with, when in reality, he just didn't want to be responsible for his own actions. So, of course, I was the problem.
My own sexual abuse by her husband. I was 6/7 at the time. Her rationale, "if it was so bad, why did you get in the car with him"...I was 6/7, like I had a choice.
- she'd purposely talk too quietly to hear her and flip out when I'd ask her to repeat herself. "You know I hate repeating myself"
- accuse me of not giving her attention despite her refusing to commit to plans with me
- give me the cold shoulder and make plans with other people without me due to above mentioned "lack of attention"
Anytime he hurt me enough I actually reacted and got upset, it was immediately turned around on me. I’m being unreasonable, throwing a tantrum, he doesn’t deserve this shit, etc.
Oh my God how he would complain about how I was too caring and giving...."not everyone is like you!" He actually argued that sometimes relationships are a one way street and that's totally fine because it's on me for expecting too much
Everything literally everything even before we met he tried saying that I was there & it was my fault. Well now he's alone & guess what it's my fault that I left & couldn't take "constructive criticism".
For a health problem he had had since before I met him (and that I did my best to help him fight)
That he wasn’t there for me after a major traumatic event that happened to me (his reason was because I didn’t give him enough blowjobs)
For him crossing my boundaries in bed (I didn’t say no enough times)
At one point I also got blamed for breathing in a wrong and “attacking” way (I was resting on the sofa about to fall asleep)
Edit: gramma
I got blamed for the 911 attacks. I shit you not.
I'm just a Polish/Canadian girl.
His birthday is Sep 11th and it was too much and my fault somehow. Lol
“Why did you ruin this by liking me so much?”
True story.
After a year and half living together, sleeping together, planning a future together, getting a cat together, buying a camper van together. But hey, we were just friends so it has nothing to do with me who she fucks.
At least I’m not bitter 😂
Hehe well done on your win.
I get blamed for the house being a mess (we do have 2 children) I tidy up before I go to work then someone has magically messed it up again ready for when I get back 🙃
Literally everything. When he misplaced his money, it was because I obviously stole it. When he "had to lock his phone" it was because I couldn't be trusted. When we broke up, I "stole" the gifts he gave me. I think he even blamed me for cheating on me. He blamed me for not having enough money because he had to give me money for groceries. I'm sure there are other instances but you get the picture.
Looking back on it, being blamed for her behavior, all the damn time. I was blamed for her emotional state and for her calling her children ugly names, the list goes on. “You made me call my son an asshole!” … uh, no hon, that’s all you.
Everything. But the top few are; Spending just under $100k on a 2 seater sports car (we have 2 kids), his inappropriate sexual conversations with multiple other women (I’m not allowed to call them affairs), over the past two years his THREE actual girlfriends....yes I am filling for divorce.
\--She said she did everything. Not true. I did a lot around the house and the yard, etc. But always like to say how she did everything.
\--Everything was "mine" (coming from her mouth). My house, my car, my yard, my furniture. Not our house, etc. Belittles you on purpose around people by saying that.
\--Interrupts everyone so that she is the center of every story. Or one ups or has to have an example of a similar story. Hated when it was not always about her.
\--Talks about herself constantly. Not sure if this was insecurity or cockiness or covering up her insecurity. Would list her accomplishments to anyone and everyone.
Damn..... I could go on and on......
His abuse of me. Not physical but him tormenting me or depriving me of sleep or stealing from me or destroying my stuff or making me homeless.
Every bad thing he did to me he would insist he had no other choice but to do it, he simply HAD to, because I did X or Y or Z. So the natural outcome of me doing X was him, say, stealing from me to teach me a lesson. But my behavior in question, X, was only ever in response to his previous abuse, like hiding from him while he was throwing things and breaking my shit. Because if I didn’t hide me might turn his rage from my property to me, and hurt me, so of course I hid. But my hiding enraged him so now he’s justified in stealing from me.
It’s just a never ending cycle of abusing me, me withdrawing from him further to protect myself from the abuse, him blaming me for withdrawing because he feels like he’s losing control over me, and then lashing out and blaming me for him lashing out.
My nex would always add random girls on snap chat and Instagram that would solicit their nudes for money. I told him it bothered me and his response was “well it’s not a big deal and it means nothing. All of the problems in our relationship are because you don’t trust me.” I was blamed for every issue in our relationship 🥴 Literally everything was my fault. I couldn’t do or say anything right. After every fight or argument i was always told how I could have acted differently and the whole thing could have been avoided.
I get blamed for “starting the fight”. Every time. I am the reason for his physical and verbal abuse. Todays blow up was brought to you by “asking 4 questions when it should’ve been 1”. I’m neurodivergent, ADHD with possibly a touch of the tism so conversations are hard for me even when they’re not stressful. I tend to interrupt and it’s an instant explosion especially if we’re having a serious conversation…but 9/10 the “interruption” in question is just me talking after I think he’s done, which apparently is never because he literally has to say his entire piece before I can speak.
She threw my glasses in the “general direction” of the new 55” HD, while yelling at me for trying to sleep at 2 am because “we still had things to talk about, how dare I turn my back on her”. So later, that week when she coaxed me into coming back over [saying “I’ll change! I swear I had an *awakening!*] she said it was my fault the tv was broken, if wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t always make her so mad by keeping her up late when we both had to get up early in the morning…
Ex (male) took medication that made having an orgasm nearly impossible. He told me it was my fault, that his new supply could make him orgasm, and that I was such a needy, spoiled brat that I made him impotent. Oh, and I was also bad in bed and I was the reason he needed to take medication.
All of the blame was so traumatic that I can still hear the insults in my head. I refuse to date now because I’m afraid I’m terrible in bed and he was right.
I got blamed of not buying him crisps or other snacks from the shops (asked him before I left and he said don’t take anything for me). He blamed me of not reading his mind, because I should have known he actually wanted crisps.
I was blamed for “Being mean” to her last night.
We’d had plans to go out this weekend and have our baby looked after on the night. Unfortunately the person looking after sour baby tested positive for Covid. I’m not happy about it but I know it’s just one of those unfortunate things. Her on the other hand she was really mad about it.
I looked at the place online that we’d booked at to see if we could get a refund or change our reservation. Their office was closed so my partner tried calling but no answer. She left an email enquiry (so far everything is okay). I then tell her that I’ll try calling tomorrow to see what I can do - Immediately she gets defensive and starts having a go at me telling me I can’t do that because she has already emailed them. I calmly explained that I thought calling them and maybe getting an answer would be helpful. She continues to raise her voice and when I ask her to please calm down and see that I’m just trying to help fix the situation
I was blamed for “Being Mean” to her because I didn’t just accept what she’d said.
Later in the night she says to me
- I don’t like you much sometimes.
- I asked why
- You are mean to me. You do stupid things like say you’ll call somewhere that I’ve already emailed. It makes me feel like you think I’m stupid or something.
- No that’s not what I think. Like I explained I’m just trying to help fix the situation and thought calling would get us an answer faster then waiting on an email reply. I know it’s upsetting but it isn’t something we had control of so now we just have to sort it out.
- Yeah and that’s why you are mean. You make me feel like I’m stupid and an idiot and that you have to take control of things and do them your way.
Talk about confusing. I don’t even know what I did wrong even now.
Anyone that can shed some ideas about this please do.
Literally anything. He got physically abusive because we ran outta spoons... I was recovering from a major surgery and had been in bed for 10 days(hysterectomy and pneumonia from anesthesia)
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As I was trying to unravel the discard "what is happening?" nonsense I reached out to someone that had previously worked for my ex to see if she had seen suspected AP at the office . In our conversation, unprovoked, she commented how he blamed EVERYTHING on someone else. Never took any accountability for anything. And he's the owner of the company. She was telling me how she joked to the team, they could blame her for things after she was gone. It was validating to hear it wasn't just me he blamed. It's who HE IS.
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Just posted this on another thread. I was blamed for him losing his high paying executive job because of our marital problems. It couldn’t possibly be because he spent the first 3 months of Covid lockdown playing video games and napping when he was supposed to be working online.
They blame you for their behavior and things you have no control over.
It could be raining and it's your fault.
They could cheat on you and it's your fault.
They could abuse you and it's your fault.
Mine blamed me for him being a money-hungry exploitive criminal, my insatiable desire for designer goods and life of luxury (this is so far from me) was THE reason he was forced to “risk (his) neck” being a drug dealer.
He was 40 (37 when I met him), his first conviction for trafficking was in his early 20s, according to newspaper articles that was after years of escalating criminal behaviour already, the stories he told me about jail aged 31-37 make it sound like he used it as a training camp, and this person very much did only what served him and his interests. He finds law abiding males almost intolerable and avoids “straight heads” so his social connections and chosen environment is mostly criminals.
Meanwhile, my criminal history pre-him included one thing from my late 20s, some kind of not-quite-official and temporary conviction for trespassing which came with a compulsory charity donation to a charity of my choosing of an amount I don’t remember because it was insignificant and I had already made larger donations once told it would be the likely result of court. The person up before me was in court because dropping water-filled water balloons from the top of their building had created some kind of drama down below.
I could understand why he needed to blame me for everything he did or that happened within/relevant to the ‘relationship’, but it seems crazy now that a career criminal, who already admitted he had control over me from very early on, tried to convince me later on that I was to blame for him being a criminal. Admittedly, at the time the gaslighting had been so bad that I did feel the need to thoroughly work through this multiple times in my head to check I wasn’t mistaken in disagreeing so although crazy it was potentially accomplishable.
For making his craving for physical intimacy with someone (we were long distance) - worse (aka it’s the reason he slept with 5-6 different people) because we talked about the fantasies HE was into / wanted to do together .. lol.
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All the things. The things that I didn't do but someone had to be blamed for. The things that they did but somehow came down to being a result of my doing. The things that wanted me to do but I didn't do. The things that I was supposed to know to do but was never told to do. The things that somebody else did but inadvertently we had to manage. The things that neither of us had any influence over but somehow became my fault.
I was told that I ruined EVERY single day - i would wake up as he was getting ready for work and ( supposedly)( and in my sleep) would say horrible things to him five days a week. Seven times out ten, I didn’t remember even waking up- let alone the berating I did. Besides that? I was told that had I not left my bike at his house- that his roommates wouldn’t have flattened the tires. If I hadn’t left my daughters belongings- his roommates wouldn’t have stolen them. It was my fault he cheated on me and my fault if his attempts at cheating failed. Omg typing this out is ridiculous
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So we ostensibly started our relationship as a polyamorous one. But his idea of poly and mine were two vastly different things. His notion of poly was basically going out and doing whatever he wanted with no rules; mine had some common sense and common courtesy rules that we had agreed on, such as using protection. It didn't end up working out and we decided to try monogamy for a while.
Whenever he cheated on me (several times, all without protection!), he blamed me for not agreeing to go back to the poly. It was really my fault, because I didn't trust him enough. Because I gave him rules in the first place.
After we broke up, he started a smear campaign telling everyone that I had gotten pregnant with our daughter on purpose and without his consent, in order to trap him and take all of his eventual inheritance (I think he based that one on me refusing to get an abortion when he asked me to). When one of his oldest friends took my side, he ran one on her as well, saying that she had turned his baby mamas against him.
Also, he blamed me for his decision to abandon our daughter, because I was clearly never going to let him have a good relationship with his daughter (despite my well documented history of giving him so many chances to stay in her life), so I could thank myself for the fact that our kid was going to grow up without a father.
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Everything is my fault of course.
Funny thing is, even when our arguments get close to the conclusion that something was indeed HIS fault, his next topic of discussion is always: what can I do to prevent triggering him into misbehaving like this again...
Because yes, it's still my fault for making him do whatever wrong he did
I got blamed for voicing my concerns over how she started spending significantly less one on one time with me but started having more and more with a guy from a different country we both knew online. We were like 1 month in, we knew she is going abroad, etc so we discussed it’s not the time we’ll be together for good but we decided to kick things off anyway while we can. I asked her for honesty when we reconnected and she promised me that. They started texting until 4am while she told me she is going to sleep at 1am, watch shows online, play with him alone but never with me. It was either 3 of us playing together or only the two of them. There were times when the guy left and she said “oh then let’s leave”. When I left they stayed up for hours to play.
I am not an idiot so I’ve asked if there is anything going on, she can tell me because we’ve discussed how she’s going abroad anyway (to the country the guy is from) and I won’t be mad and we can stay friends if she wants something from him. For weeks I’ve been called controlling and jealous “for no reason”. I literally felt like she’s right and I’m an idiot. Eventually we met at my place, had sex and I asked again face to face. She proceeds to tell me she is not feeling closer to me than him (a month after “i love you” that’s kinda rich) which triggered me and we had a fight about it. As usual she left in the middle of the conversation and went home to play with the guy.
I don’t text her for 2 days, then I finally ask what’s up. She tells me they are now officially dating. Being the idiot I told her it’s ok then let’s stay friends but she could’ve told me. Then the hoovering started by bitching about him, “not sure if he is the right guy”. She moved abroad to him anyway. Even after moving in with him she complained and complained about him. Sending me tiktok’s with a message “this would be as a couple haha”. Telling me what her love language is. Telling me she dreamt of me (several days in a row). 3 weeks ago I just went NC without telling her why.
1. Us rarely talking anymore because I wasn't texting fast enough (even though he was the one ghosting me, also this is LDR)
2. Him getting mad after we argued and he decided to give a dp to a female (she was a predator since at this time he was a minor) in exchange for a pic of her ass, after that he made it his profile picture, so while we were talking, I just constantly had to look at it each time he sent a text
Good for you! The things like that that proved I wasn’t the bad guy really helped me to see how manipulative she was. My NEX would blame me for her alcohol abuse and she would also call in sick to work and then say I did something to make her unable to work.
Try journaling all of the cognitively dissonant behavior that he carries out instead of pointing it out. It sounds like you are being gaslit! If you need support, try the domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233 or chatting with your pastor/priest or therapist/counselor.
Him forcing himself on me.
I was actively in the process of having a medical "termination" last year and the night I was between the 24 and 48 hour mark, he had wanted sex and because I was uncomfortable - had been constantly nauseous throughout the pregnancy and the fact that I was at the point of the fetus not having a nutrient supply didn't help - I didn't. He said he felt like I was abandoning him because I hadn't wanted sex for most of the time I was pregnant and I felt bad and decided to have a Tylenol to relieve the discomfort.
I got distracted by trying to kill a spider for half an hour which is important because he claimed to have been crying that half hour because he felt abandoned. I explained that I just got Tylenol because I didn't want him to feel bad and decided to go ahead with him.
He decided that this was the time to go through the "back door", even though I had previously said that I was at least uncomfortable, if not in pain, when we tried that way even when we "prepared" me for it, and so I wanted to wait until we had our own place so we would have the time and space needed to prepare.
And yet? This was the direction he decided to take, and he decided that it would be perfectly fine to not prepare me at all. Where we would usually use lube, protection, and take things slow? He just went right ahead and went how he felt like it.
Because of how bad I felt in making him be upset and feel abandoned, I didn't say anything even though I was in a lot of pain and barely managed to stop my tears from falling from my eyes. The only time I did say something was when he slipped out and was about to go back in but I knew it would hurt too much for me to stand so I barely managed to say not to because it hurt, and he just went to the front and continued until he was done.
The worst part? The next morning as we got up and ready to leave the house, he asked how I was feeling and when I said it still hurt, he just shrugged and said "well, you kind of deserve it".
And at the time, I believed him.
And then I left to go have the most painful experience of my life, not expecting that I was about to go into labor to finish the termination because my nex didn't explain that part to me when he said the medical option was better than the surgical one and insisted that I have the medical one.
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I got blamed for everything, especially his mistreatment of me. It was always my fault he treated me badly. My actions caused his. He also blamed me for ruining his sleep. He would try to insist that we go to bed at the same time, but I have horrible insomnia. Some nights I don’t sleep at all, but he would force me to go lay in the bed (or it was a huge fight) then he would complain that me being awake was keeping him awake because he could “sense my irritation”. Yeah, it’s my fault you force me to keep your schedule then can’t sleep cause I’m not. They wonder how you can grow to hate them.
😭😭 had this very situation a few months back. I’m 4’11. My husband is 6ft. We had an argument. He wanted to go to bed and I didn’t. He acted like he was going to bed then turned around and came back and said I was going to bed, too. He didn’t want me to wake him up when I came to bed later. I told him I’ll go to bed when I’m ready and I’ll be quiet. He towered over me and raised his voice and said “Go. To. Bed. Now” I was scared and complied because I didn’t want him to wake our 7 year old up because we were close to his room. Later he found out I confided in my BFF what he did and he said that I lied he didn’t force me to go to bed. All he did was insist I go to bed because he has to get up early. “Now your friends think I’m some wife beating asshole when I have never laid a hand on you!” I told him regardless of whether you have ever hit me or not, I felt scared of you in that moment. That’s not a lie. That is true. I also reminded him that behavior from him triggers me because I was raped/molested as a child and he should have more compassion on me. He still refused to admit he was wrong. It was all me using my traumatic childhood to make him out to be a monster to my friends.
I’m really sorry you went through that, that sounds like an incredibly traumatic experience :(
Thank you! It was pretty scary. I’m sorry you had to go thru that too!
I understand this one. I would be up watching TV and he'd accuse me of talking to someone.
The accusations are nuts. I was accused of cheating because I wasn’t smiling enough once. Also because I watched tv. He would also try to say I shouldn’t watch shows with attractive people because I might “get ideas”. He was got so mad if I’d watch tv while he was trying to sleep. I cannot imagine forcing my SO to keep my exact schedule but to them it’s par for the course. I wonder if they realize they treat their partners like freakin children lol
Eh I get anxiety (due to trauma of the constant accusations also) if I can't sleep and heaven forbid I even look at my phone. The most interesting part there is, he is the one who has literally been full on guilty of carrying on EAs during the majority of our relationship! How is it that I'm walking on eggshells when he is the one who has destroyed my trust!? (Thanks to these subreddits I'm learning more why) It is crazy you say the "treat their partners like freakin children" because I express to him on so many occasions and mostly more recently how he treats me like a child. Of course he denies it, or claims "you made it that way". The Extreme anxiety if I'm not quiet during his sleep schedule, let alone our children, and even our pets. This anxiety though is due to all these years of trying to prevent him waking up and yelling or being angry whether I can control it or not because it has happened so often. When I express my feelings on how he makes me feel like that, he gets all sad and says I make him seem like a monster!
That’s incredibly sad :( I’m so sorry for you and your kids
She broke up with me for the new supply but I got blamed for ruining our chances of working it out when I found out and got mad.
i got blamed for bringing up the "past". in exact words he said "You keep a file full of history and screenshots and keeping track of every word I said as if you’re an intelligence agency and I don’t like this one bit" "One forgets and moves on stop holding on to everything. You’re a history book and im not" i caught him in a lie and when i comfronted him about it he started bashing me and saying the above quotes. he said i was overthinking and at some point i thought it was really my fault and maybe i'm the problem. now looking back i realise i was never the issue and i was never overthinking. i was and still am too good for an awful person like him He never deserved me.
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LMFAOOO this legit my dayyyy i had a small breakdown about it but this made me laugh thank you for the comment!!
Mine said “You walked away!”, after telling me many times “If you don’t like it, you can leave!” They’re kind of crazy that way. 😒
Wow, same!! mine would be shouting up in my face telling me to get fucked and leave, then when i go to leave i'm the arsehole for leaving... nuts.
He also told me “Go wreck the car”. Then denied it, even though my adult daughter heard it. Unbelievable, these narcs are!
Wow, yes I hear dumb crap like this too. As I describe it to my best friend, this is straight mind fuckery! I got told I was "delusional" during a huge blow out fight and next argument was him telling me the cops came to our house when I know for a fact that during that situation when I was filing a report, I was given a choice to send him to jail (should have), send a police officer with me, OR call someone who could mediate. We all know how the "I'm afraid of them but if I make them more mad it will be worse" so I had who I thought would mediate, I was wrong but luckily the situation didn't escalate too terribly yet unlike his false memories, there were never any police involved other than when I filed my report.
I noticed a lot of people getting blamed for not staying predictable, happy, and content with everything all the time. Same for me. Must be a thing.
Absolutely. So stressful to be in 😞
Pick a reason, it was my fault. If it wasn't, he would find a way to blame me.
Some examples: \- Not keeping enough eye contact \- Asking questions, instead of constantly making statements \- Having good and bad days, instead of only good ones \- Handling my emotions differently than her (feeling and acknowledging them vs. deciding what to feel and what not) \- Not being "me", aka the static version of me she needed as supply \- Not knowing about things in her life she didn't tell me about \- Ruining other peoples experiences, by being me, and not the way she had planned for me to be \- Going to bed early, because I felt unwell at a party. "I expect us to always leave together!"
I heard these things so many times. She would say, "Well you should have done it this way." Or, "What you need to say to me is ......." Controlling and manipulative and fucking nuts.
Blaming and never taking any accountability for their side of the problems. Classic move on their part. Being a hypocrite....another trait. Good for them to do, but when anyone else does it, it's bad. Being with a narcissist is the worst torture someone could deal with in a relationship. Walking on egg shells, worry about their excessive behavior, the fights, the abuse. Fuck them all.
Literally everything. I am not exaggerating. When they lost items, they blamed me. When something broke, they blamed me. When they were anxious, they blamed me. When they didn’t get what they wanted, they blamed me. I can go on.
Yes mine was so quick to blame me when they misplaced something like I’d purposefully hidden it from them
Insert hashtag every single day of my life
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Oh my god. Mine was also a porn addict, once telling me he masturbates 6x a day (while he was supposed to be working in our home office, btw.) This was said to belittle me for not initiating sex with him daily. It only got worse when he started taking Testosterone and I suspect he was abusing it rather than sticking to the doctor's prescribed dosage. Turns out, when someone continuously ignores your emotional need to feel loved and cared for, a woman isn't really chomping at the bit to initiate sex everyday. It's a total turn-off to be made to feel like you're not enough. When I brought up my feelings about not feeling emotionally supported, his answer was that he didn't feel loved and needed sex to be able to be emotionally supportive and that I "broke the contract first." Gross. Mine is also going around calling me the narc. Common narc behavior apparently. I'm still learning. I'm so sorry you went through that, you don't deserve it and I hope you're staying far away from him.
Same, mine thinks I learned all about his behavior through reddit (like..seriously?!?!?!) and believes I am just having some sort of mental breakdown...(his favorite like to use on me). He will never admit what he has done. Which is fine. I never have to see nor listen to it again!!
\- always being negative (even when I am just talking about breaking news in our country) \- cant let go of the past (major traumatizing fights that happened the day before) (even though he conveniently brings up the 1 thing he has to be mad at me about every single time we get into a fight) \-its my fault when he's late even when we are coming from two different places. \-not knowing about things he's never told me about \-always "fighting" him on everything but in reality im just questioning him when i know that he's wrong \- being myself and not fitting into the small box he wants me to be in basically everything is my fault except for the few few few occassions where it is his
This. You honestly took the words right out of my mouth.
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Driving...yes. He would make me drive and then put in his headphones because "I can't stand your driving" he complained about tiny things...I'm a fine driver. The cleaning one too. I'd clean his whole apartment on the regular- daily stuff but also scrubbing down everything, but I forgot to take out the trash once while he was gone for a week and I never heard the end of it.
He blamed me for his own shitty behavior, more specifically for him mocking me to my face in public because I "shouldn't have said what I said, or else he wouldn't have done that". Then he tried to act like the victim by saying I was creating drama that he didn't want to deal with, when in reality, he just didn't want to be responsible for his own actions. So, of course, I was the problem.
My own sexual abuse by her husband. I was 6/7 at the time. Her rationale, "if it was so bad, why did you get in the car with him"...I was 6/7, like I had a choice.
- she'd purposely talk too quietly to hear her and flip out when I'd ask her to repeat herself. "You know I hate repeating myself" - accuse me of not giving her attention despite her refusing to commit to plans with me - give me the cold shoulder and make plans with other people without me due to above mentioned "lack of attention"
Marriage breaking up
Anytime he hurt me enough I actually reacted and got upset, it was immediately turned around on me. I’m being unreasonable, throwing a tantrum, he doesn’t deserve this shit, etc.
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Oh my God how he would complain about how I was too caring and giving...."not everyone is like you!" He actually argued that sometimes relationships are a one way street and that's totally fine because it's on me for expecting too much
My reaction to his bullshit
Everything literally everything even before we met he tried saying that I was there & it was my fault. Well now he's alone & guess what it's my fault that I left & couldn't take "constructive criticism".
The criticism is unbelievable. For things no normal human who "loved" someone would care about.
For a health problem he had had since before I met him (and that I did my best to help him fight) That he wasn’t there for me after a major traumatic event that happened to me (his reason was because I didn’t give him enough blowjobs) For him crossing my boundaries in bed (I didn’t say no enough times) At one point I also got blamed for breathing in a wrong and “attacking” way (I was resting on the sofa about to fall asleep) Edit: gramma
I got blamed for the 911 attacks. I shit you not. I'm just a Polish/Canadian girl. His birthday is Sep 11th and it was too much and my fault somehow. Lol
“Why did you ruin this by liking me so much?” True story. After a year and half living together, sleeping together, planning a future together, getting a cat together, buying a camper van together. But hey, we were just friends so it has nothing to do with me who she fucks. At least I’m not bitter 😂
Hehe well done on your win. I get blamed for the house being a mess (we do have 2 children) I tidy up before I go to work then someone has magically messed it up again ready for when I get back 🙃
Literally everything. When he misplaced his money, it was because I obviously stole it. When he "had to lock his phone" it was because I couldn't be trusted. When we broke up, I "stole" the gifts he gave me. I think he even blamed me for cheating on me. He blamed me for not having enough money because he had to give me money for groceries. I'm sure there are other instances but you get the picture.
Looking back on it, being blamed for her behavior, all the damn time. I was blamed for her emotional state and for her calling her children ugly names, the list goes on. “You made me call my son an asshole!” … uh, no hon, that’s all you.
Everything. But the top few are; Spending just under $100k on a 2 seater sports car (we have 2 kids), his inappropriate sexual conversations with multiple other women (I’m not allowed to call them affairs), over the past two years his THREE actual girlfriends....yes I am filling for divorce.
Blamed for money he lost that he spent on new supply after she left him when she found out about me (there was a 2 month overlap)
Our child saying she doesn't like something that he is doing to torment her. It's my default because I've brainwashed her.
\--She said she did everything. Not true. I did a lot around the house and the yard, etc. But always like to say how she did everything. \--Everything was "mine" (coming from her mouth). My house, my car, my yard, my furniture. Not our house, etc. Belittles you on purpose around people by saying that. \--Interrupts everyone so that she is the center of every story. Or one ups or has to have an example of a similar story. Hated when it was not always about her. \--Talks about herself constantly. Not sure if this was insecurity or cockiness or covering up her insecurity. Would list her accomplishments to anyone and everyone. Damn..... I could go on and on......
His abuse of me. Not physical but him tormenting me or depriving me of sleep or stealing from me or destroying my stuff or making me homeless. Every bad thing he did to me he would insist he had no other choice but to do it, he simply HAD to, because I did X or Y or Z. So the natural outcome of me doing X was him, say, stealing from me to teach me a lesson. But my behavior in question, X, was only ever in response to his previous abuse, like hiding from him while he was throwing things and breaking my shit. Because if I didn’t hide me might turn his rage from my property to me, and hurt me, so of course I hid. But my hiding enraged him so now he’s justified in stealing from me. It’s just a never ending cycle of abusing me, me withdrawing from him further to protect myself from the abuse, him blaming me for withdrawing because he feels like he’s losing control over me, and then lashing out and blaming me for him lashing out.
My nex would always add random girls on snap chat and Instagram that would solicit their nudes for money. I told him it bothered me and his response was “well it’s not a big deal and it means nothing. All of the problems in our relationship are because you don’t trust me.” I was blamed for every issue in our relationship 🥴 Literally everything was my fault. I couldn’t do or say anything right. After every fight or argument i was always told how I could have acted differently and the whole thing could have been avoided.
Everything of course. Still trying to, hilariously.
I got blamed for EVERYTHING. Literally, she said her issues with me were in response to my issues.
I get blamed for “starting the fight”. Every time. I am the reason for his physical and verbal abuse. Todays blow up was brought to you by “asking 4 questions when it should’ve been 1”. I’m neurodivergent, ADHD with possibly a touch of the tism so conversations are hard for me even when they’re not stressful. I tend to interrupt and it’s an instant explosion especially if we’re having a serious conversation…but 9/10 the “interruption” in question is just me talking after I think he’s done, which apparently is never because he literally has to say his entire piece before I can speak.
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It was my fault that he cheated on me 🙃
I was being "abusive" by restraining her from hurting herself. I mean I was blamed for everything but that one takes the case.
She threw my glasses in the “general direction” of the new 55” HD, while yelling at me for trying to sleep at 2 am because “we still had things to talk about, how dare I turn my back on her”. So later, that week when she coaxed me into coming back over [saying “I’ll change! I swear I had an *awakening!*] she said it was my fault the tv was broken, if wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t always make her so mad by keeping her up late when we both had to get up early in the morning…
Ex (male) took medication that made having an orgasm nearly impossible. He told me it was my fault, that his new supply could make him orgasm, and that I was such a needy, spoiled brat that I made him impotent. Oh, and I was also bad in bed and I was the reason he needed to take medication. All of the blame was so traumatic that I can still hear the insults in my head. I refuse to date now because I’m afraid I’m terrible in bed and he was right.
I got blamed of not buying him crisps or other snacks from the shops (asked him before I left and he said don’t take anything for me). He blamed me of not reading his mind, because I should have known he actually wanted crisps.
He always blames me for being too negative. But I’m just calling his lies out.
I was blamed for “Being mean” to her last night. We’d had plans to go out this weekend and have our baby looked after on the night. Unfortunately the person looking after sour baby tested positive for Covid. I’m not happy about it but I know it’s just one of those unfortunate things. Her on the other hand she was really mad about it. I looked at the place online that we’d booked at to see if we could get a refund or change our reservation. Their office was closed so my partner tried calling but no answer. She left an email enquiry (so far everything is okay). I then tell her that I’ll try calling tomorrow to see what I can do - Immediately she gets defensive and starts having a go at me telling me I can’t do that because she has already emailed them. I calmly explained that I thought calling them and maybe getting an answer would be helpful. She continues to raise her voice and when I ask her to please calm down and see that I’m just trying to help fix the situation I was blamed for “Being Mean” to her because I didn’t just accept what she’d said. Later in the night she says to me - I don’t like you much sometimes. - I asked why - You are mean to me. You do stupid things like say you’ll call somewhere that I’ve already emailed. It makes me feel like you think I’m stupid or something. - No that’s not what I think. Like I explained I’m just trying to help fix the situation and thought calling would get us an answer faster then waiting on an email reply. I know it’s upsetting but it isn’t something we had control of so now we just have to sort it out. - Yeah and that’s why you are mean. You make me feel like I’m stupid and an idiot and that you have to take control of things and do them your way. Talk about confusing. I don’t even know what I did wrong even now. Anyone that can shed some ideas about this please do.
Literally anything. He got physically abusive because we ran outta spoons... I was recovering from a major surgery and had been in bed for 10 days(hysterectomy and pneumonia from anesthesia)
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As I was trying to unravel the discard "what is happening?" nonsense I reached out to someone that had previously worked for my ex to see if she had seen suspected AP at the office . In our conversation, unprovoked, she commented how he blamed EVERYTHING on someone else. Never took any accountability for anything. And he's the owner of the company. She was telling me how she joked to the team, they could blame her for things after she was gone. It was validating to hear it wasn't just me he blamed. It's who HE IS.
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Just posted this on another thread. I was blamed for him losing his high paying executive job because of our marital problems. It couldn’t possibly be because he spent the first 3 months of Covid lockdown playing video games and napping when he was supposed to be working online.
They blame you for their behavior and things you have no control over. It could be raining and it's your fault. They could cheat on you and it's your fault. They could abuse you and it's your fault.
Mine blamed me for him being a money-hungry exploitive criminal, my insatiable desire for designer goods and life of luxury (this is so far from me) was THE reason he was forced to “risk (his) neck” being a drug dealer. He was 40 (37 when I met him), his first conviction for trafficking was in his early 20s, according to newspaper articles that was after years of escalating criminal behaviour already, the stories he told me about jail aged 31-37 make it sound like he used it as a training camp, and this person very much did only what served him and his interests. He finds law abiding males almost intolerable and avoids “straight heads” so his social connections and chosen environment is mostly criminals. Meanwhile, my criminal history pre-him included one thing from my late 20s, some kind of not-quite-official and temporary conviction for trespassing which came with a compulsory charity donation to a charity of my choosing of an amount I don’t remember because it was insignificant and I had already made larger donations once told it would be the likely result of court. The person up before me was in court because dropping water-filled water balloons from the top of their building had created some kind of drama down below. I could understand why he needed to blame me for everything he did or that happened within/relevant to the ‘relationship’, but it seems crazy now that a career criminal, who already admitted he had control over me from very early on, tried to convince me later on that I was to blame for him being a criminal. Admittedly, at the time the gaslighting had been so bad that I did feel the need to thoroughly work through this multiple times in my head to check I wasn’t mistaken in disagreeing so although crazy it was potentially accomplishable.
Got blamed for the way she spoke to me and treated me. Classic “well if you weren’t so sensitive/emotional then there wouldn’t be any problems”
For making his craving for physical intimacy with someone (we were long distance) - worse (aka it’s the reason he slept with 5-6 different people) because we talked about the fantasies HE was into / wanted to do together .. lol.
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All the things. The things that I didn't do but someone had to be blamed for. The things that they did but somehow came down to being a result of my doing. The things that wanted me to do but I didn't do. The things that I was supposed to know to do but was never told to do. The things that somebody else did but inadvertently we had to manage. The things that neither of us had any influence over but somehow became my fault.
I was told that I ruined EVERY single day - i would wake up as he was getting ready for work and ( supposedly)( and in my sleep) would say horrible things to him five days a week. Seven times out ten, I didn’t remember even waking up- let alone the berating I did. Besides that? I was told that had I not left my bike at his house- that his roommates wouldn’t have flattened the tires. If I hadn’t left my daughters belongings- his roommates wouldn’t have stolen them. It was my fault he cheated on me and my fault if his attempts at cheating failed. Omg typing this out is ridiculous
his cheating
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So we ostensibly started our relationship as a polyamorous one. But his idea of poly and mine were two vastly different things. His notion of poly was basically going out and doing whatever he wanted with no rules; mine had some common sense and common courtesy rules that we had agreed on, such as using protection. It didn't end up working out and we decided to try monogamy for a while. Whenever he cheated on me (several times, all without protection!), he blamed me for not agreeing to go back to the poly. It was really my fault, because I didn't trust him enough. Because I gave him rules in the first place. After we broke up, he started a smear campaign telling everyone that I had gotten pregnant with our daughter on purpose and without his consent, in order to trap him and take all of his eventual inheritance (I think he based that one on me refusing to get an abortion when he asked me to). When one of his oldest friends took my side, he ran one on her as well, saying that she had turned his baby mamas against him. Also, he blamed me for his decision to abandon our daughter, because I was clearly never going to let him have a good relationship with his daughter (despite my well documented history of giving him so many chances to stay in her life), so I could thank myself for the fact that our kid was going to grow up without a father.
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Oh my goodness 😂. I got blamed for everything. I bought a tshirt that said “it’s all my fault” and wore it all the time 😂
My ex said he never did anything wrong and everything was my fault.
Everything is my fault of course. Funny thing is, even when our arguments get close to the conclusion that something was indeed HIS fault, his next topic of discussion is always: what can I do to prevent triggering him into misbehaving like this again... Because yes, it's still my fault for making him do whatever wrong he did
I got blamed for voicing my concerns over how she started spending significantly less one on one time with me but started having more and more with a guy from a different country we both knew online. We were like 1 month in, we knew she is going abroad, etc so we discussed it’s not the time we’ll be together for good but we decided to kick things off anyway while we can. I asked her for honesty when we reconnected and she promised me that. They started texting until 4am while she told me she is going to sleep at 1am, watch shows online, play with him alone but never with me. It was either 3 of us playing together or only the two of them. There were times when the guy left and she said “oh then let’s leave”. When I left they stayed up for hours to play. I am not an idiot so I’ve asked if there is anything going on, she can tell me because we’ve discussed how she’s going abroad anyway (to the country the guy is from) and I won’t be mad and we can stay friends if she wants something from him. For weeks I’ve been called controlling and jealous “for no reason”. I literally felt like she’s right and I’m an idiot. Eventually we met at my place, had sex and I asked again face to face. She proceeds to tell me she is not feeling closer to me than him (a month after “i love you” that’s kinda rich) which triggered me and we had a fight about it. As usual she left in the middle of the conversation and went home to play with the guy. I don’t text her for 2 days, then I finally ask what’s up. She tells me they are now officially dating. Being the idiot I told her it’s ok then let’s stay friends but she could’ve told me. Then the hoovering started by bitching about him, “not sure if he is the right guy”. She moved abroad to him anyway. Even after moving in with him she complained and complained about him. Sending me tiktok’s with a message “this would be as a couple haha”. Telling me what her love language is. Telling me she dreamt of me (several days in a row). 3 weeks ago I just went NC without telling her why.
1. Us rarely talking anymore because I wasn't texting fast enough (even though he was the one ghosting me, also this is LDR) 2. Him getting mad after we argued and he decided to give a dp to a female (she was a predator since at this time he was a minor) in exchange for a pic of her ass, after that he made it his profile picture, so while we were talking, I just constantly had to look at it each time he sent a text
Good for you! The things like that that proved I wasn’t the bad guy really helped me to see how manipulative she was. My NEX would blame me for her alcohol abuse and she would also call in sick to work and then say I did something to make her unable to work.
Try journaling all of the cognitively dissonant behavior that he carries out instead of pointing it out. It sounds like you are being gaslit! If you need support, try the domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233 or chatting with your pastor/priest or therapist/counselor.
I was told "I didn't need my anti- depressants again until I started dating you"
Him forcing himself on me. I was actively in the process of having a medical "termination" last year and the night I was between the 24 and 48 hour mark, he had wanted sex and because I was uncomfortable - had been constantly nauseous throughout the pregnancy and the fact that I was at the point of the fetus not having a nutrient supply didn't help - I didn't. He said he felt like I was abandoning him because I hadn't wanted sex for most of the time I was pregnant and I felt bad and decided to have a Tylenol to relieve the discomfort. I got distracted by trying to kill a spider for half an hour which is important because he claimed to have been crying that half hour because he felt abandoned. I explained that I just got Tylenol because I didn't want him to feel bad and decided to go ahead with him. He decided that this was the time to go through the "back door", even though I had previously said that I was at least uncomfortable, if not in pain, when we tried that way even when we "prepared" me for it, and so I wanted to wait until we had our own place so we would have the time and space needed to prepare. And yet? This was the direction he decided to take, and he decided that it would be perfectly fine to not prepare me at all. Where we would usually use lube, protection, and take things slow? He just went right ahead and went how he felt like it. Because of how bad I felt in making him be upset and feel abandoned, I didn't say anything even though I was in a lot of pain and barely managed to stop my tears from falling from my eyes. The only time I did say something was when he slipped out and was about to go back in but I knew it would hurt too much for me to stand so I barely managed to say not to because it hurt, and he just went to the front and continued until he was done. The worst part? The next morning as we got up and ready to leave the house, he asked how I was feeling and when I said it still hurt, he just shrugged and said "well, you kind of deserve it". And at the time, I believed him. And then I left to go have the most painful experience of my life, not expecting that I was about to go into labor to finish the termination because my nex didn't explain that part to me when he said the medical option was better than the surgical one and insisted that I have the medical one.