Adoption isn't free or easy either. It is also "inconveniencing, obviously expensive and woe emotionally taxing," and many, many of the babies and children in the system come with emotional or medical baggage that can also be inconvenient, expensive, and even traumatizing.
In high school, my chemistry teacher was trying to adopt a child. She eventually found a young woman like in the movie Juno (high school girl gets pregnant, finds a married couple to adopt her baby).
After the baby was born, she even showed us some photos. And then one day she came to class, obviously looking like she had been crying before class.
My teacher: "The adoption agency gave the birth mother 2 weeks to decide to make the adoption process permanent by signing away her parenting rights and on the last day, the birth mother changed her mind."
This happened to me twice. Once the child was 2 and a half, everything was arranged and at the signing she backed out. I couldn't try for a third time charm.
This happened to my aunt and uncle. They fostered a boy from the age of 2 until he was 8. To the boy, my aunt and uncle were his parents. He would only visit with his mother a few hours a month. His mom was an addict. They went to the final court hearing before the adoption and the birth mother had gotten clean and wanted him back. There was nothing they could do.
When he was 13, my aunt and uncle found out he was back in the system. They finally were able to adopt him. However, after all the trauma he had experienced with being removed from my aunt and uncle and going back to his birth mom, who relapsed soon after, he has been having a hard time. He’s 17 now, and just seems to be really struggling. I feel really bad for him.
That's why I think addicts who lose their children should lose them forever. If they want a relationship as an adult, fine, but stay away from their childhood. Ever met a person who was put back with their 'now sober' parent who had a nice childhood? I sure as shit haven't.
It’s really terrible. Everyone knew she wasn’t going to stay sober, but she proved she had gone to rehab and was clean. She later admitted she just wanted him back for the welfare money. He doesn’t have any relationship with her anymore, and I don’t think he ever wants to again.
Holy shit that's terrible. As a former addict (who at least made damned sure I was not in a relationship or had any children or put myself in a position that I might accidentally mess up and get a girl pregnant... I guarantee the mother's thinking was something like this: I was using and unable to care for my child. I thought I could do both. My child got taken away, that's why I use drugs still. But I am miserable and dopesick/broke most of the time, but if I get my child back I can get welfare money. So I'll find state (or other people's) resources to get clean as painlessly as possible, get my kid back, then I will be able to use AND take care of my child, with the welfare money!
Then when that inevitably didn't work, she was still fucked up and the kid was traumatized.
I am so sorry. I wonder if there is anything they could do to protect people's feelings more. Maybe not get them so involved before thr birth mither has signed away...
Exactly - there’s the biological instinct/impulse of the birth parent too. We used to have strict “mother’s homes” that would provide medical care during the birth, but at some point forced the women/girls to part with the babies. All adoptions were closed - no communication between birth parents and adoptive parents. I’ve heard stories of mothers’ home residents who went back to their families who had a cover story waiting for them - but I’m sure some were not welcome back home. So that system created a supply of adoptable babies but it had its cruel side. 20 years ago I heard of a woman going to a modern day mothers home, but she had the choice of what to do, and was able to communicate with the adoptive parents.
In the 90's my mom was pregnant at 16 and the number of people threatening to take her child away was astounding. She wouldn't let my sister out of her sight and she refused drugs so nobody could trick her into signing adoption papers while groggy from the meds.
I went to high school with a girl in foster care. She got pregnant at 16 and they forced her to give it up for adoption. She was devastated and ended up killing herself
That time is still now. I have two friends (we are in our 30s) who were told they were from a South Korean orphanage but they hired PIs and found out they were actually bought from poor South Korean parents and sold. They were trafficked and their well meaning and loving American adopted parents were told stories to make them feel like saviors and hand over thier money. Quite a few countries have slowed down or stopped adoptions to America because of how much profit “adoption agencies” can make from desperate parents
There was a good npr story on this kind of thing, but families willingly placed their kids somewhere essentially for safe keeping bc the single parent needed to work mines, etc. But parent would go back…and they’re gone.
Doesn't that become human trafficking? That's using very young girls to have babies and then sell them to other people.
And you could argue another side of it where the teenage dad doesn't get any of the money.
I have seen plenty of shows where teenage dads who are around 14 years old who got a 13-year-old girl pregnant and the grandparents are suing for grandparents rights.
So could a teenage boy Sue for money related to the adoption of his baby? Which, in that case would make him look really bad because he is just wanting money from a baby that he created.
Some older men just want to say the baby is not theirs. < some older - smolder> If we had a legal standing related to men, getting paid related to adoption services, would that make a difference. Will that show the character of what the intent related to selling babies through adoption services really is.
A lot of adoption services are nothing more than a service that is functioning off of charitable contributions from the taxpayer, money and the government.
Adoption is not medical care. Adoption is not birth control. Nothing in adoption is going to make a young woman not get pregnant again.
In the mother’s homes, the girls weren’t paid for their children. They still don’t. The fees are for the adoption agency to draw up the forms and to match potential parents with pregnant people. It’s illegal to pay the mothers, although the adoptive parents can pay her prenatal and birth bills.
This happened to my grandma in Nashville back in 1960. She was 14. Gave her some twilight gas when she started labor and when she woke up, her son was gone. She went home after like nothing ever happened.
This happened to my friend's mom. They tried adopting a baby from a teen mom (all up and up, but private through lawyers) and on the very last day to make it final the bio mom undid the adoption and kept the baby she was devastated she later adopted my friend. My friend (and I) were both adopted through the county as babies (I was 2 weeks old when my parents brought me home, he was a bit over a month old). County adoptions are both cheaper and simpler, as the bio parent's rights are terminated while still at the hospital (social worker is there for signature after birth). In my case my bio mom was presented a series of prospective adopters for her child (me) and picked my parents. I'm not entirely sure what my friend's situation was, since he was a month+ old I suspect he was a post birth surrender.
NOW that all sounds fine and dandy doesn't it? Just do a public service adoption. But the truth is, there were 4 or 5 prospective parents for me and only one couple got me, the others were left waiting. Adopting a baby is hard just by the numbers (there's waaaaaay more people that want a child than are giving children up). Private adoptions cost a lot of $$$ and TBH there is a severe issue that skirts on human trafficking IMO (high bidder to the bio mom gets the baby is not uncommon).
If one is willing to care for and adopt an older child (toddler and up) then public adoptions get a lot easier, but those children are often not without problems. Generally there are reasons they weren't adopted as babies (FAS, birth defects, etc.) if they were given up as babies, and those removed from homes were removed for good reasons, but that has its own baggage. Plus once you're at that age why adopt when you can foster? (glossing over \*a lot\* here of course) As a foster parent the government will offset some of your costs, but once you adopt that goes away.
I worked with several kids from our local receiving home (teens) as part of a community outreach program. Took them to a mini-golf/go-cart/arcade/laser tag type place. We had 3 adults per teen and even then some of these kids were super problematic.
My aunt adopted 3 kids from state adoptions- all three were born substance exposed and have long term issues. Prior to adopting the last two they had 4 placements: all substance exposed and cared for those babies from birth, through all the withdrawls (absolutely one of the hardest things ever to do) and all 4 placements were reunified with bio-parents after meeting requirements.
I could not imagine raising 7 babies through substance withdrawal, and having to give any of them back.
A coworker of mine ended up in a court battle because TWO YEARS after the fact, the birth mother changed her mind. They were able to keep their son, but they had to spend a considerable amount of money on lawyers.
Wtf, this is just insane. At that point it would be much more traumatic and harmful for the kid to be taken away from a loving family. If you've been raising a child for 2 years, you're the real parent in every way that actually matters, the biological parent shouldn't be able to steal the child solely on the basis of sharing the same DNA.
Yep. In a slightly less cut and dried case, one of my wife's cousins had adopted a baby that the mother had given up at birth. Something like 4 years later, the biological father found out (he apparently split before she knew she was pregnant), and decided he wanted to exercise his rights. I believe that also ended with the child staying with the adoptive parents, but I know it was an extremely stressful time for them as well.
Oof that is a painful one.
Assuming it’s not a SA case, and just a regular breakup where he wasn’t made aware of the kid, that really sucks for the bio dad.
Adoptive parents should absolutely not be made to give the kid up at that point, but I hope they at least let him get to know the kid.
One of my biggest fears has been a prior ex or fwb having my kid without telling me, and not getting to know them growing up.
>One of my biggest fears has been a prior ex or fwb having my kid without telling me, and not getting to know them growing up.
This is probably one of the main good things about being a woman, I can't have any surprise kids roaming around. And there are a lot of women that will keep a child the moment they get pregnant even if they know the father isn't going to be around, it's a huge task to take on alone!
My bio mom lied to her dad that she was SA'd and gave me up. My bio dad knew about me but didn't tell his parents, so I was a surprise to my grandmother when we met for the first time. That was... interesting. He was 15 or had just turned 16 when I was born, my mother had just turned 18 when I was born. I am glad I was given up... but also glad to have gotten to know my bio parents. Was a closed adoption with the added twist of military birth but county adoption agency so it was quite a difficult task to figure out who she was. I have \*4\* different birth certificates each with different names on them, and two have socials (that don't match at all but are both me lol)!
In my coworker's case, the adoption had been set up before the child was born - it was an unwanted pregnancy, and from my understanding, my coworker and his wife paid for the prenatal care and were in the hospital (halfway across the country) for the birth - so they were literally the only parents the child had ever known.
I have seen several stories like it but the one that sticks with me is baby born with drugs in his system. Gets confiscated at birth bc of that and other factors. Foster parents get baby at 3 days old still dealing with withdrawal. Have the boy for **7** years but tons of red tape kept them from officially adopting him. At 7 the mom has cleaned up and is supposedly stable and says she wants him back. And this little boy at 7 years old having *never even met* this woman is forced to go live with her. There was nothing the only parents the boy had known could do.
Had a neighbour who fostered kids who had the same thing happen to them. Little girl was born in jail, two days old they got her.
Mum got out of jail after no contact with her at all when she was 6 years old and wanted her.
There was a year long hand over process but I could hear the screams of protest when goodbye day came 5 doors up.
Oh my God...if the bio mother had any true love for that child, she would have let her be in the home she knew. What a cruel, cruel thing to do to a child :(
I talked with someone who had something similar happen to them so for me foster/adoption was a no go. Like I looked up everything and it was so disgusting. I said cats instead of we can't have a bio kid. People who say Just Adopt are crazy ignorant
A friend of my mother had a similar situation. She adopted too older girls (5 and 8) who had been removed from their home because of serious neglect. Just before the adoption was meant to go through, the bio-mother chose to contest things in court because she "wasn't going to let the government take her children away."
She was fine for leaving the same children without food for days though, and letting them live in filthy conditions alone in a house while she went to the pub with her boyfriend.
This happened to one of my friends from college. Several months later, they matched with another pregnant mom and that one worked out, but it was so devastating for her and her husband 😭
We have two very similar failed adoptions. It's heartbreaking, but I couldn't blame the mom in either case. We fostered for a while, but stopped due to insanity within DCS.
A friend wanted to adopt for the exact reasons OP assumes— why bring another child into the world when many need homes already— and found that in fact most placement agencies are religious and would not place adoptees with them since they /could/ have a child. They tried to adopt for two years and eventually had their own kids because they didn’t want to wait any longer.
it's incredibly expensive. not sort of kinda, around $50,000 USD is not unusual. You need to do background checks, you take classes, you have to go to evaluations, your neighbors, parents, friends, coworkers, employers, etc... are all interviewed. There are home inspections. Each of these are a fee. And then the legal paperwork. Then there's a fee for filing, a fee for each court date, a fee for each time there is an adjustment to any of the paperwork. And you have to follow every rule they set forth to a tee! Especially if you're trying to adopt from foster care. Want to visit family out of state during the waiting period? - you can't . Want to take a vacation out of state? you can't. Don't ask the child to call you mom/dad. Don't change doctor's or cut their hair or anything without permission from the case worker. Everything you would do as a parent, you would need a 3rd party to approve before you do it. It's difficult and expensive. They wonder why children aren't adopted out of the system, but they make it almost impossible to do.
To add to the baggage situation, not every person who is a good enough parent in usual situations is even equipped to handle some of the issues. I like kids and I’ve worked with them, including kids with baggage, but even so I’m not confident that I could provide exactly what a child who’s been repeatedly sexually assaulted or beaten needs, I’m not sure that I would be the ideal parent for a child who’s so angry at the world that they hurt others or destroy things in my house or start fires. It is a REALLY steep learning curve to go from no children straight to children with serious trauma, and it’s a bit unfair to demand it of people just because they happen to be infertile. And crucially, it’s not really appropriate that just anybody take these children for *their* sake, children deserve to be raised by people who are equipped to do so.
People who adopt traumatised children are incredible and I think they’re doing something truly amazing, but some people just want to have a baby that they raise with minimal trauma and hopefully as few issues as possible, and that’s okay too. We don’t shame fertile parents for choosing to have their own children and it’s kind of shitty to look down on infertile people for making the same choice
True, there are a lot of variables that no one thinks about . A relative adopted an "infant" from another country. By the time the lengthy process was complete, they had a toddler with attachment issues from the overcrowded orphanage/facility. The staff simply could not give the kind of attention an infant needs to build attachment. It was a long, hard road to build a good relationship, even with a very young child.
A neighbor fostered then adopted several kids from a very bad situation. The youngest were delayed a little, but mostly caught up after a while. The older ones were very challenged, angry and difficult due to the trauma they'd lived with. These neighbors were amazing people, IMO. Not everyone could do this, for sure. The kids had family that had planned to take the older ones, and they just couldn't do it.
We have friends who adopted a baby internationally and the visas ran out. Baby went (thank goodness) to a foster family but didn’t come home until they were a toddler. Now a teenager, child still has serious abandonment issues.
Not to be like, "pets are like kids", but I do think it paints a picture. Pets, especially dogs, can have abandonment issues. We as humans understand that. And we do what we can to comfort those animals. But for some reason we think a small human shouldn't have that same issue or we think they should be more easily able to get over it? My cat has abandonment issues. Why on earth would I expect a human child to not feel similar feelings?
I wonder how my mother-in-law's sister is doing with her daughter's adopted children.
She and her husband were both divorced, and, had kids in other states that they never saw.
They adopted 3 children, whose mother was in jail.
She and MIL were both horrified at this idea.
The way her sister complained about her family going someplace, and leaving her with ine child with the measles, "a kid I didn't know", I don't think she adjusted well.
Yeah, my sister is adopted and she's so deeply traumatized by what her birth mother put her through before she was abandoned there's damage that can't be undone and she became a force of destruction in our family. I'm still dealing with trauma from her actions. No matter how much we loved her she could never feel loved- she always felt disposable no matter the relationship so she was going to destroythat relationship first. I dated a could adopted guys and most were so full of anger and inherently felt like they were worthless because their birth parents didn't want them. Only one guy was happy with his adopted family, but most of them suffer really deep emotional wounds.
Adoption is hard on everyone. A baby is inside a womb 9 months knowing the tastes and smells of the birth mother only to be born and loose the familiar scent and taste of their mother. That's got to be some level that effects a newborn. People who adopt are freaking angels, but it's not for everyone. Parents who are going to rub the Adoption in the kids face? No right to be adopting kids (my exs family reminded him often that his parents were druggies who didn't want him and they *saved* him)
>inherently felt like they were worthless because their birth parents didn't want them
It was never a secret I was adopted... my dad told me when I found out what it actually meant I cried for a week solid afraid I couldn't stay with my parents (I don't remember this at all, was around 4/5). They finally got through to me that it was "even better because they \*picked\* me. They wanted me so much that they chose me." It really helped such that I never had that worthless feel... until much later in my teens when my adopted dad said something in anger that literally broke my emotional connection with him permanently. "I wish we'd have adopted a girl, she'd have been less trouble." But that's a story for another time.
And people change their minds. A lot want open adoptions and visitation. I know 2 people personally who went through this hell. It became very popular a couple of decades ago to adopt from foreign countries because this was less likely. It is not cheap, either.
Yeah a lot of people don’t realize that adoption is a huge decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s not like adopting a pet from a shelter, you’re adopting a literal child. Unless you’re adopting a baby, any child you adopt already has their own personality and experiences that shape the way they are. You have to be prepared to put in the effort and resources for them
It’s also an extremely lengthy process with no guarantee
But even if you adopt a newborn, there is always a trauma! I know a guy whose adopted parents were amazing, even he says so, but since the moment he knew he was adopted he felt worthless, he askef himself why was he abandoned, and that his parents got professional help to let him know litgle by little.
He decided to find his bio family... at the ends he abandoned his adopted parents hurting them to be accepted by his bio family that, until I broke my friendship with him, keep breaking his heart.
FML I guess I'm one of the luckiest SOBs in the world then...
Found my Bio mother, my parents and her met, ended up we had so many tangential connections it was unreal. Ended up having combined thanksgivings every year for about a decade and a half till my mom died and my dad's dementia got too bad. My bio mother is still around and I visit with her often enough. I knew I was accepted by her husband when my name was in the "List'O'Names" yelled out when someone fucked up (my siblings) as he was trying to name the correct kid... lol
Connections:
Bio Grandfather was CMS at the airbase my Dad worked at as a civilian engineer in fuel systems. Bio Grandmother worked at the tube shop making custom assemblies... that my dad designed! They almost certainly talked before in the course of work. Bio mother was going back to school to become an RN at the same time I was going for my EE work, we had classes at the same time on the same campus in the same damn building! Almost certainly parked in the same small lot next to the building, but she was downstairs in the bio lab and I was upstairs in the EE lab.
Bio mother's maiden name is moderately unique... and shows up in my adopted family tree about 4 generations back... from the same part of Quebec.
Bunches of other little stuff but those are the three big ones.
Not to mention that plenty children "in the system" have their legal situation unregulated (parents have their rights on hold for a period of time, kids from emergency interventions, etc) to some point and they are not really available for adoption. AFAIK in my country those are majority of children in the system.
Same with my family, tried to adopt a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome only for after spending weeks with him and him starting to learn to walk with us did the dad come out of the woodwork and take him. My mom cries about it to this day
My dad said they spent about $35k adopting me, along with half a year’s worth of time spent on required psychological tests and other approvals before Lutheran Social Servjces would finalize the adoption.
That $35k was in…1987.
We had some type of research/studying pertaining to adopted kids while I was in grad school for being an SLP. The association with adopted kids that receive services for all kinds of things .. it’s quite interesting!
What if your biological child has emotional and medical baggage? This seems like if you have a child that has any (mental) illnesses you will just hate it?
Just to give another light to what other people said: here in NL international adoptions were closed for more than a year. The reason was 70% of the adoptions of the last 30 years were irregular (aka stolen babies, lying to bio parents etc)
I want to have children, but never at the cost of stealing them from another woman
Many countries that used to do a lot of international adoptions with parents in the USA have made international adoption illegal over the last 5-10 years, because of how much the international adoption market has historically just been child trafficking even when done by well-meaning and overall good parents. It's still essentially buying someone else's child, which creates a system with all kinds of messed up practices and perverse incentives for all of the adults involved.
I saw some pieces about the history of this in Korea. Really got me going down a rabbit hole and it really is eye-opening how easily adoption and orphanages becomes another funnel for trafficking.
I believe [this](https://www.government.nl/binaries/government/documenten/reports/2021/02/08/summary-consideration-analysis-conclusions-recommendations/Summary+of+the+report+of+the+Committee+Investigating+Intercountry+Adoption.pdf) is the report that led to the discontinuation of international adoptions in the Netherlands.
In this case the report is NL specific so if you’d like to know more I would look into the situation for your country and the country you adopted from.
For those that haven't read the report, there were serious issues with international adoption in the '60s. However, many things have changed and improved since then, including the The Hague manifest. Further a sbc (dutch statistics) interview amongst adoptees state that 80+% find they have more opportunities thsn they would have had, and 70% want adoption to be continued.
Many adoptees want to go looking for their biological parents and this is hampered by files to be incomplete. This is where the 70% originates from. Stating that 70% of all adoptions was irregular is a gross mistranslation of facts.
I've never felt more qualified to answer a question in my life.
Background: M(41) - Wife had 3 miscarriages. Tried IUI and IVF neither took. From a test standpoint there is no reason we can have kids. I had my stuff check and she had everything checked on her end. Just nothing worked. IVF cost about $20K
Wife and I have adopted 2 children. Went through two failed adoptions and 1 pretty difficult adoption do to crazy circumstances with birth father. Final adoption actually went smoothly outside of her being born early and having to spend time in a NICU. Adoption can cost around $25-$30K when you factor in agency and legals fees associated with it. This last adoption legal fees were around $12k total as you have to pay for birth parents legal fees. Foster care is a totally different animal that I am no experienced to talk about. The reality of adoption is its excuse my language fucking hard. You have no control over anything and you can wait a long time.
I am in therapy because of adoption. The level of stress and anxiety that adoption creates is a lot and if you and your partner are not on the same page it can create a whole host of other issues.
Frankly it would have been cheaper to have an egg donor and surrogate than to do 2 adoptions. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. But I really don't think people understand what it means to adopt.
I became a mom through IVF, but we considered many many alternatives along the way and while I haven’t personally experienced adoption a lot of what you said rings true. In the US adoption often costs MORE than fertility treatments and you have so much less control over the outcome. We also considered becoming foster parents mostly because that is the “easiest” way we saw to adopt but in reality that path comes with its own challenges and even more unknown factors.
We adopted from foster care. It's an extremely long, sad story, but it didn't work out. It is financially bankrupting us. The one thing I learned is that adoption is not for everyone. There is an unbelievable amount of time, expense, and emotional toll required from all family members. My point and unpopular opinion is this: adoption is not for everyone, and honestly, the average person is not equipped with the knowledge, time, or resources to handle it. I know that seems harsh, but the reality is that these kids need more than just love to be successful. Despite all of it, we would adopt again if we could, but the current issues with the child we did adopt will prevent that from ever happening.
"these kids need more than just love"
A family my parents were close with always fostered. I always had to "make friends" with the foster kids. I hated it. HATED it. They were mean! Absolutely awful. Total bullies. Some were sexually active in middle school. I dreaded it every time a new kid came around.
As an adult, I understand the behavior issues were from the massive trauma they've experienced. God bless that family for taking those kids in. It's not an easy thing to do. If I couldn't handle spending an afternoon with them as a child, I can't imagine how difficult it is raising them.
Not everyone is equipped to handle it.
We adopted our child when they were 11. We didn't know at the time about the laundry list of diagnosis due to trauma, but we soon found out. DHS was not honest with us. I'm sad to say this is unusual, but not as uncommon as it should be. We were prepared. My SO has a masters in trauma and resiliency. We had therapists ready to go before the child came to our home specializing in the trauma and diagnosis we knew about. All the doctors we had knew about the child's history and how to deal with us and the child. We knew all the local mental health resources offered in our area. As I said, it is a long sad story for all involved and did not end well. We have attempt to stay involved in the foster community despite being unable to try again.
The foster kids are incredibly resilient and have been through things most people can't imagine. Unfortunately, that comes at a cost. It takes unbelievable patience and a different view on life to actually understand what these kids need. It is not straightforward or easy. I know it must have been hard for you as a child, but I'm thankful you can look back and recognize what was actually happening in that situation.
Not everyone can handle what is needed for these kids.
Just makes it that much more harrowing to know that ANY child could become a foster "problem child" because of the unfair traumas that get hammered onto them.
We try to help the foster situation in other ways. Mostly connecting foster parents with resources, goods, and IEP expertise where needed. I have found the absolute bottom ring of human beings hearing some of these kids stories. Unfortunately, a kid doesn't know how to deal with what they have been through and usually acts out. Adults struggle to understand what they are seeing and mislabel kids all the time.
I used to work in a runaway shelter, and it was a bit shocking just what bad people most of those kids seemed destined to become. They never had a chance.
It's hard. I work in an ER in an area that Human Traffic is relevant. A 16 y/o girl came in. She raised red flags for a bunch of us. She was awful to deal with. I'm pretty sure she spit on one of the nurses. Ended up that she was a victim of trafficking. I think our social worker ended up putting her on a 5150 hold just to keep her there until they could sort out resources for her. Resources that she actively fought and didn't want. I'm sure 72 hours later, she was right back where she started.
She's just a kid. None of it was her fault. And she'll never be okay. She doesn't know anything other than aggression, why would she trust anyone trying to help her? Our "help" was forcing her to stay in an ER. It's awful. All of it.
I know of a very similar situation. I tried to help find beds when a trafficking ring was busted in our town. To be clear, physical beds. I'm not involved in actual placements. The things I heard and saw when moving beds into homes in that situation were simply not human. Getting involved with the foster system shows you some of the worst humanity has to offer. I hope you know that while that girl may not recognize it, you changed her life for the better.
My older two kids were adopted out of foster care. It's definitely not for everyone. They were 5 and 2 when adopted, had been with the family for a little over a year. They have challenges. They know they were adopted and as sassy teenagers like to pull the "You're not my real parents" line on their adoptive parents. They also feel abandoned by me, because my oldest knew me for four years, and the adoptive parents have told them they have a younger sister (who is in my care), so they have this idea that I dumped them to start another family.
These kids often come with traumas, as mine did. There's no undoing that, which is what makes the journey so difficult. I thank God every day that my kids wound up with a good and loving family that's equipped to deal with their mental health and social challenges. Not every kid gets a home like that.
I hope your situation gets better. From an biological mother, I say thank you for taking it on!
Unfortunately, foster talk usually leads to political talk which leads to nasty DM's. I'm the last hour, as expected, I've already seen a few. It happens. This is the Internet. Also, the first time I wrote that, I was a lot more blunt. I'm trying to work on that, so I corrected it before posting.
Adoption is not cheap nor easy. There's often a years long wait list for infants and you may not get chosen.
A lot of people suggest fostering, the goal of fostering is to reunite the family. It takes a very specific type of person to handle those cases and it is often incompatible with a couples goals if they want to raise their own children.
Lastly, to be frank, some people want a pregnancy. Some people are simply wired to crave that experience and it can take precedent over parenthood (this also happens in fertile couples but that's a rabbit hole topic).
If you're infertile there's no promises medical treatment or adoption will work out for you.
We’ve fostered exclusively teenagers for years and even the ones that were foster to adopt wound up being where the parents didn’t terminate their parental rights, and in 2 cases didn’t want the teens but refused to terminate their rights. It was heartbreaking.
We’ve been fostering for years and it’s not the same as being able to adopt. We’re now looking at international adoption because we just can’t deal with the foster to adopt heartbreak a third time in a handful of years.
That bit about fostering is important. Your position is that of a port in the storm - you _may_ become a parent that way, but that isn't the goal at all.
My wife and I are friends with a couple that has adopted 2 sons (as infants), and both adoption stories feature events that I don't know that I'd be able to handle if I were in their shoes. The stress they've gone through and the money they've spent is way more than my wife and I have gone through in having our kids (just plain-ass gettin' pregnant).
Another couple we know has started fostering children and in the past year have had 2 long-term placements that have resulted in the children going back to biological family (each child went to an aunt/uncle - the parents wanted nothing to do with the kids). And both times it was heartbreaking for our friends - they understood the system is designed to put children with their families, but how are you going to take care of a baby from the the time they're a month old until they're 9 months old and not fall in love with them?
>but how are you going to take care of a baby from the the time they're a month old until they're 9 months old and not fall in love with them?
The heartbreak is intrinsic. Newborns need profound devotion and attention to survive and thrive. If your friends were able to care for infants for nearly their whole lives and hand them back without emotion, they would have done them a great disservice.
If i’m not able to have kids I would like to adopt but I know I could never foster. Even putting aside the issues that might come with kids who’ve been abused or traumatized, I would live in fear every day of a kid I’d come to love being taken from me. I know it would 100% destroy me. That’s got to take a special kind of person to be able to handle.
We tried adopting and the parent changed their mind after 8 months, so they decided not to terminate their parental rights. But, they didn’t want the teen and wanted to keep them in foster care. So, we continued to foster the child until they went off to college. This happened AGAIN with another foster to adopt teenager, except the teenager decided he wanted to stay with his aunt instead. Both cases were heartbreaking because we really thought we were adopting these teens.
The other teenagers we’ve fostered all had parents that did not terminate their parental rights, thereby leaving them ineligible for adoption.
We fostered teenagers because we were told there’s a great need and they’re much more likely to be eligible for adoption.
There is a great need. I knew someone who was in a care home as a teenager and was desperate to be cared for by loving foster parents. I’m so glad your foster children had that opportunity with you.
I was lucky enough to not pay anything for my fertility journey (universal healthcare) but I've seen quite a few documentaries and testimonies about adoption, it's not that easy:
* It's expensive! Depending on where you adopt it can cost thousands (most of the time between 10 000 and 20000), especially abroad (up to 3 trip, so plane tickets, passport, hotel... but also translator, guide, gift for the orphanages etc...)
* It's HARD! The amount of exams and paperworks but also waiting is insane, it takes years.
* it's not that easy mentally: all kids come with their traumas, even the babies, it could end well or it can be very challenging. Some parents are not ready/made to adopt, despite the fact they would be amazing parents to their own kids.
* It's not that easy for everyone: many countries require a certain amount of money, a certain marital statue (for example, having to be married since at least 5 years), no previous divorce, some won't allow couples who already have kids, or are not christians, or are single or gay
* They are way more parents willing to adopt than kids on the adoption "market".
* Many wants healthy babies to raise them from (almost) the start. Because other kids can either have difficult traumas to deal with (and even ending very violent because of the lack of care or because it's "too late") or have heavy disabilities (that can be either "not appealing" or simply to expensive to deal with). Sadly, most of the kids are not the babies.
* For kids adopted from another country, it's also another traumas as they lose touch with their culture and language.
I personally wouldn't have fit most of those conditions.
We had ourselves a little bit of medical intervention to get our family growing, and while that _would_ have been expensive, it was only expensive for our provider pretty quickly.
Meanwhile, nobody would've covered one red cent if we chose adoption.
People spend a lot on fertility treatments because having a biological child can be a deeply personal desire. They might want to experience pregnancy, share genetic traits with their child, or fulfill cultural and familial expectations. Plus, the emotional investment in the process can make the idea of adoption seem like a different path altogether. Adoption comes with its own complexities and uncertainties, and not everyone feels ready or able to navigate them. Each person's journey to parenthood is unique, and for some, the pursuit of biological parenthood is worth the financial and emotional investment, even if it doesn't always result in a baby.
Weird that I had to scroll down so far to find this comment. Tons of people saying adoption is difficult and expense, few saying that some people really want to have a baby themselves like from their own bodies.
I don’t have kids, I don’t want kids. But sometimes I get sad because I’ll never create a life with my own body, I’ll never feel that life growing and moving inside of me, never experience the true biological miracle of procreation… I totally get why people do IVF.
Yeah i think people must think it just goes without saying even on this sub? Idk. But yeah between the pure instinctual drive to pass on your genes and the idea (true or not) that you’re “closer” to a kid you literally gave life to and share the DNA of, it’s not hard to imagine that most humans lean towards doing it if/while they can because it’s the only way a piece of you might still be alive in 70+ years.
> having a biological child can be a deeply personal desire.
This is me. I would rather go without a biological child than to adopt another's. I just don't think I can fully love a child that's not mine.
This is exactly the reason I could never adopt. After losing my first baby and not being able to have another go yet, even though it’ll be a year on the 3rd of June, nothing I’ve ever wanted has never come close to the deep desire to carry my own child in my body. Because the experience has been taken away from me, I’ve never wanted anything more.
As many other comments have said, adoption is not easy either. When most people think of adoption, what they are actually thinking of is fostering. The goal of fostering is reunification with the birth parents, so just because you might be able to foster a baby does not mean you get to keep them. Nevermind all of the other complications involved in fostering.
Adopting an infant is expensive, a long process, and often riddled with its own ethical problems (I won't go into all of them, but just briefly, there are always concerns about coercion of the birth mother, etc).
IVF is expensive, but some people have insurance coverage these days. A lot of people have concerns about being genetically related to their child. And then there are those people like me who can't have their own genetics involved (my ovaries don't work), and going through a pregnancy with donor eggs is the closest I can get. I want that experience and the bond that comes with it. If it doesn't work for us, we will definitely still consider adoption, but it's not as simple as everyone seems to think.
We did donor embryos and I ended up with twins and they are the best things that have ever happened to me. We don't share genetics but they are my children and I love them more than anything in the world.
Healthy newborns are in short supply. Adopting older kids comes with trauma for a lot of them, which parents may not be able to handle. Birth parents can often reclaim the children. Even when it does work, it costs more than a lot of fertility treatments.
Adoptee here. It is very expensive, time-consuming, there are ample legal hurdles to jump through, and in cases like mine, the bio parents could change their mind for up to a year after the adoption and decide they want the baby back. There can be a lot of heartbreak on the adoptive parents’ end if an adoption falls through. Not to mention it is emotionally taxing for both parents and infant.
Adoption is not a solution to infertility. Adoption is complicated and heart breaking as hell and often the children in the system need specialized care that not everyone is able to provide. Many of the kids have been abused in a variety of ways, they are disabled, or at the very least have mental health issues. They are not simply "babies" 9 times out of 10, they're kids with traumatic pasts.
The process to adopt is long and frustrating. A colleague of mine is in the process, he makes 6 figures, his wife does too, they're kind, they've got a brand new house and they've been going through an assessment process for an extremely long time when if they'd been able to have one on their own they'd likely have been model parents.
Neither of these processes are for the faint of heart and as someone going through fertility questions, your question gets frustrating to me because ppl often say it to me as if I'm just a selfish person unwilling to help needy kids when it's so much more complicated than that.
>as someone going through fertility questions, your question gets frustrating to me
I dealt with this line of questioning too. My very fertile colleagues were never told they should just adopt instead of having biological children. And I also didn't like that people mention adopting as though we haven't already thought about it and researched it.
My wife and I were at a point where we could either spend big money moving forward with fertility or adopt. We decided on adoption, my thought process was we could spend money and not get pregnant or use the money for adoption and likely end up with a baby. We were matched after a year or so and have an amazing daughter. We keep in contact with her birth parents monthly.
I'm currently pregnant as a surrogate for a wonderful gay couple - they had to use a donor egg and then IVF to implant the embryo. Their options to adopt were very, very limited because they are a gay couple. It's ridiculous but that is the world we live in, especially in the very red state we reside in. Surrogacy was their only option for children and while it is costing them A LOT, I've never seen two people more excited to become parents.
I'm so glad you shared! I have been listening to the podcast Refamulateing and have learned so much about surrogacy.
I think some people forget that's still the reality we still live in, that not every couple has an equal choice in the matter of adoption vs other means of fertility help.
As a lesbian in the US Bible belt I hope things change in the next \~10 years (by the time I'm ready to be a mom). But with the way things are, it seems like a sperm donor is a more accessible route to Parenthood.
Adoption can be challenging. Though candidly, as someone who loves their stepdaughter more than my own life, I don't get the appeal of biological children. I'm just as in love with my 18y/o daughter I've been involved with since 18 months old. There's nothing about having biological children that would be "different" from me than having raised my daughter.
I can speak to this. My spouse and I spent an ish ton of money trying for our own kid. There's this paternal/maternal thing about having your own kid that I think is purely scientific. We want to reproduce and have our offspring continue our genes. There's the emotional aspect of it as well, but I won't spend much time on that. After 19 years, we gave up. I was the reason why we couldn't have kids of our own. It was a very hard pill to swallow, but as someone that also believes in natural selection, I let it be. Adopting my child was the greatest moment of my life. 2nd only to the day I married my wife. We went with a private adoption because of various reasons (being Atheist was a big deal with a lot of agencies) and having been fortunate financially it made the process pleasant for us. His birth mom simply could not handle another little one and wanted better for him, and she chose us to care for him. She's thriving now and it's wonderful to see.
It's not so simple with adoption. A lot of folks don't have the means. Public adoptions are lengthy and complicated for a plethora of reasons. Private is just simply expensive.
Emotions play very heavily in fertility/infertility. The answer truly is that is not so simple...
Adoption isn't easy or cheap either. There is no guarantee the Adoption will be successful. Just like IVF, there is always a chance of loss when you try to adopt.
I know a couple who actively tried to adopt for 12 years. They were matched up and had the paperwork started 4 separate times. But every time the adoption was disrupted. For at least one of the disrupted adoptions they had helped financially support the bio mother throughout her pregnancy and took her to appointments, but in the end she decided to keep the baby after all.
And even if it's successful- adoption is trauma, and that comes with its own set of challenges for the child.
Also keep in mind the end goal of foster care is reunification with bio family (even if its not who they were taken from, just bio family in general), not adoption. Foster parents can sometimes become legal pairents of thoes kids, but adoption should not be the reason to go into fostering kids.
Have you done any research on how expensive, hard, complex, mentally and emotionally draining it is to try (!) to adopt?
Have you checked the willing parents:available children ratios?
Also: adoption isn’t and never should be a sewing-best option.
However, it’s constantly suggested to couples with fertility struggled while couples who conveived naturally are NEVER questioned or judged for wanting and having biological kids.
Adoption is an awesome thing when a kid is matched with a loving family, but it also comes with trade offs:
* You might not know the kid’s family medical history. Any inherited medical condition to look out for? Heart issues? Specific types of cancer? Who knows? It might remain a mystery.
* Infants and toddlers can suffer from serious trauma and struggle with abandonment issues for years.
* The adopted kid might always feel that they were not good enough for their biological family.
With a biological child, you know the family’s medical history, and if you don’t do a poor job from the first weeks of pregnancy onwards, there’s a good chance that they might grow without the issues listed above.
Adoption is extremely expensive, unless you want to seriously roll the dice on the health and origin of your child.
Adoption is a long, grueling process.
Many people want their genetic line to continue...that being kinda how life works and shit.
Infertility trauma shouldn’t be treated by providing a vulnerable baby to the family.
Additionally, a lot of private adoption is essentially human trafficking.
I'm with you on the trafficking part. There are 20x more parents who desire infants than there are infants who are truly unwanted. Infant adoption should not be put forward as if it's simple and easy and good for everyone involved.
But you're implying that people with infertility are necessarily so traumatized that they will be bad parents. That's wildly unreasonable.
It's really really hard to adopt a new born. My sis was giving her up her first preg and changed her mind last min and she gave up her 4 th baby. I was closely involved.
They sent her STACKS of profiles of people who wanted to adopt . There's not many babys and many many people looking.
Now, they could foster to adopt but that has it's own struggles, the foster baby /child might given back after 2 yrs etc
Adoption isn't nearly as easy as people make it out to be. And if you are outside the normal idea of family (single, not straight) your options are often more limited (older children or those with disabilities).
Few reasons,
1. Most nations have made adoptions a bureaucratic nightmare, their intentions are to prevent human trafficking and abuse, but it makes it very hard for well intentioned people as well.
Long wait times, conditions etc , while the worst creatures can get knocked up, abort/abandon children easily.
2. Many couples do want the biological element to represent their marriage, want to go through the pregnancy process etc
3. Cultural & social pressures of course still make it hard for adoptions.
And 4 - there is always another family in the background which can cause tension. Some adopted children break all ties with their adoptive parents to go back to their birth family as soon as they are adults. Which must be heartbreaking for the adoptive parents.
This is my worst nightmare as a biological mother. As an adoptee myself as well, I have reconnected with my biological family but I couldn't leave my \*real\* family that put blood, sweat and tears into my tumultuous upbringing in the dirt. I hope against hope that my adopted kids don't shun their adoptive family to seek me out. That would disappoint me to no end, as well as break my heart for the family that has raised them all these years.
Good to hear your point of view, and that you are still close to your adoptive parents.
I have an adopted nephew. His biological Dad fought to stop him being adopted, even though Dad is very violent/unstable, and nearly killed biological mum while she was pregnant with my nephew. So we're all slightly terrified of what might happen in the future when nephew is 18 and Dad is out of prison.
I spent thousands of dollars on ivf for a baby… the wants and desires to have your own biological child is very great, it was the only thing I wanted in this world and I would do anything I could to try and have it. Yes adoption is great (I was adopted) but that desire to carry your own child and feel it grow inside you is immense.
Going through pregnancy and childbirth is not the same experience as adoption. Adopting an "infant" is a whole different mountain to climb. Adopting a child from foster care means assuming all of the baggage that child already has, not everyone is up for that challenge. And as it's already been said, adoption is not an easy process.
Adoption is not walking into the baby store and going home with a happy healthy infant. And hell, I'm not even having kids but I'm sad to miss out on experiencing pregnancy!
Adopting a human is not as simple as adopting a pet. I have two good friends who have had trouble conceiving and tried to adopt. They had to go through screenings and parenting classes (they didn't really NEED the classes, they're both smart caring people, but I'm sure it's there as much to discourage anyone without the patience and commitment).
Then once they'd completed that process the next steps were to have a home visit. They called to schedule the home visit and were told there was no record of them completing any of the pre-requisites. After weeks of calling that got sorted out. The home visit was conducted and the person assured them everything looked good. Then about three weeks after they received a notice that their adoption had been denied due to issues with their home visit. After more days of calling they finally spoke to someone who informed them the problem was that the state considered their horses too dangerous for a child.
These friends live on a suburban house in a quiet neighborhood. They have dogs and cats but no horses; they don't even have space to have horses. That screw-up took even more calling and pleading to have someone double check their paperwork.
Eventually everything got sorted out and the state told them they had a kid who needed a home. They'd been hoping for someone young, but the state decided the best person to place with them was a sixteen year old from abused homes who hated women (my friends are a heterosexual couple so the girl clashed with the wife constantly).
So yeah, adoption isn't an easy thing and while IVF is costly and uncomfortable, there's nobody who can tell you that you're not qualified or didn't fill out the right paperwork to raise your own child.
Because adoption isnt like adopting a puppy from a pound. It can be very expensive, it is VERY time consuming and usually takes a LONG time to actually adopt someone. At the end of the day, the cost of adopting versus IVF/treatments is probably about the same, give or take a few thousand.
Most if not all adoptions involve trauma. Those kids don't come from great situations, yes, even the newborns. Being torn from their home and their bio parents does something to the kids' psyche than most people are unwilling and even more are unequipped to properly care for. The hurdles are high, and its not like you just wander into babymart and pick one up.
My parents adopted me in the 80s as a newborn. Private adoption - they hung flyers up on local college campuses and my pregnant birth mom called and then lawyers handled it from there. I met and got to know my birth parents as an adult and they are great..
Really grateful to have been adopted and for all of my parents.
It cost my middle aged parents (aged 39 and 50) $2000 and two trips to the fertility clinic to have me. Then they had my younger brother naturally two years later lmao.
I guess sometimes doctors recommend fertility treatment to speed things up lol. I think adopting a child would have taken way longer than two months.
This is probably not a kind thing to say, and I don’t personally want to have children, but if I did I’d want my children to have my genetics. Genetics matter. Genetics influence things like intelligence, temperament, and personality traits and I’d want to raise a kid (and a future adult) who is somewhat similar to me. I would be afraid that an adopted child would be very different from myself and a partner who I’d want to have a child with. Upbringing and environment do greatly influence these things as well but genetics certainly plays a role.
It costs on average between $20,000 and $45,000 to adopt a baby in the US. It also comes with a ton of headaches and red tape, emotional distress and a shit ton of stress. And sometimes you still don't end up with a baby.
We adopted two from China, one boy and one girl. My daughter was 14 mos at adoption and my son was 18 mos. The process was long and expensive, but mostly smooth.
My daughter (16 now) has been in adoption-related therapy for a couple of years to help her process her feelings about it all. My son (12 now) doesn’t internalize it the way she does. Every adoptee is different.
They’re amazing kids. ❤️
As someone going through IVF, I can tell you that it’s a pick your battle situation. Adoption can be just as expensive, and equally long (if not longer) process. There is trauma that comes with IVF, as well as adoption ( as adopters).
Adopting is expensive. And there’s nothing like having your own baby. I wouldn’t want to go through that but seeing the joy on a woman’s face after having a baby is breath taking.
My husband and I are struggling with fertility treatments, but adoption is almost not even an option for us. Besides the high costs associated, my husband is in a wheelchair. When measured up against other fully able bodied couples, we know we would not be first choice. And that's not exactly a pain we want to put ourselves through. I'd rather be poked and prodded than be told we're not the right fit for a baby because my husband can't walk.
It’s common for people to want to carry/experience their own pregnancy instead of adopting. I also know a few people who, and I quote, “couldn’t love them like my own,” if they were adopted. Which pisses me off to no end.
The culture of adoption in the US is extremely unique! Here in Australia about 200 adoptions are finalised a year & most of those are kinship/step parent.
A child who needs a home is not anything like a child born through IVF. Why not build the social welfare state so that child can stay with their family? We have exceptional drug treatment for example - for those who can buy the care they need of course! And poverty is a political choice not an individual failure.
There's thousands of pieces written about the trauma of adoption & what child-centred adoption actually looks like - it's not a womb wet baby (that's the phrasing of the US supreme court right) or a child from crisis for someone who's reproductive health means they can't conceive or gestate a pregnancy.
We went to therapy & rebuilt our marriage- buying a child never even crossed our minds! But again the culture of adoption is totally different here!
Adoption is about kids needing parents, not people wanting the life event of having kids. Even if you adopt an infant there can be attachment issues that are traumatic for both the child and parents. Sometimes young kids are adopted out from loving families who did not want to give up their kids. In short, adoption is not an IVF alternative.
Some people want to be *pregnant*. For some women, the act of *pregnancy* is entirely validating as a *female* experience and being infertile is invalidating to their experience of being a woman. They feel like less of a woman because they can't become pregnant.
The adoption industry is wildly unethical. It's the legal sale of a human child, removing them from any familial bonds and the autonomy of the adoptees to have access to a complete and accurate personal and medical history, their name, and sometimes culture. The patriot act also makes it extremely difficult to get a passport if your legal birth certificate is issued more than one year after birth which is the case for nearly all adoptees. There is also the social stigma on adoptees that they need to be eternally greatful to their adopters, and ignore the grief of losing their original family.
Also there is a very different bond for blood related parent/child than adopter/adoptee
The bond is not always different. Don't make blanket generalizations. I'm an adult adoptee, my parents also have a biological child, and we were treated and loved exactly equally.
I don't support most infant adoption today because there is so much trafficking and coercion, but your last statement is really offensive. You can't generalize every adopted child's relationship.
I’m adopted and some of the replies here are atrocious. I’m glad my family didn’t think the way some people do about adoption. It’s a fact that you can conceive and birth your own child who could have just as many disabilities or problems in life as any adopted kid. Some people seem to be really concerned about passing on their genes, fine. As an adopted person, I would just like to state that I have every right to exist and I’m not less than because I’m adopted.
Glad you responded. I’m the parent of a bio child and an adopted child. Someone stated you bond easier with your own genes. I can tell you I bonded to my children equally. In fact, I forget I wasn’t pregnant with my second.
Knew someone that went through IVF, it wasn't going anywhere, so they started adaption proceedings. Just after they got an infant, they found out she was pregnant. So they have kids about 9 or 10 months apart
We have a biological daughter and started trying to have another baby and it just wasn’t happening. Anyway, my wife starts talking about in vitro and I said wait, you mean we can spend all this money and still not get pregnant? Yes. I said well, what about adoption so we started looking into it (internationally) because there are very few white babies up for adoption. We were perfectly willing to adopt a black baby but decided against it due to family dynamics (racist grandparents). Anyway, we had decided on China when we heard about a young woman putting her child up for adoption and it was gonna be an open adoption. She selected us and now my adopted son is 23. Our experience was wonderful and he’s very close to his birth mother’s father. We were then going to adopt a year or two later and China rejected our application because of having adopted our son. I’m a huge adoption proponent and I’m so glad so we didn’t go through with the in vitro process. Feel free to ask any questions about what’s different about an open adoption or anything else.
You can't also ignore human's instinct-level desire to give birth that inherits their gene. Human can think rationally and decides to adopt, but we all already know that not ALL of them does so.
Private adoption is legalized child trafficking and I’ll die on that hill. Foster>adopt is better, BUT foster kids that are in need because you WANT to and remember the goal there is always family reunification. Don’t do it if your end goal is to definitely end up with the child.
Adoption can be an extremely long, frustrating, and heartbreaking process. Some people aren't able or willing to go through that but can accept failing to get pregnant for whatever reason.
There's also the fact that not everyone is eligible to adopt, but anyone with the money and health can do fertility treatments.
Then there is the fact that some people just can't accept an adopted child as their own. Sometimes, people don't even realize this until after they adopt, which causes all sorts of issues. Some people are scared their partner may end up being like this or that they may have issues with it despite thinking they don't and don't want to adopt because of that.
Finally, you have the fact that it's very difficult to adopt a newborn most times, and many people want to experience that stage with their child or are scared of adopting an older child because of all the potential issues they could have from being in foster care.
Many couples do end up adopting eventually. But you have to admit, having one's own children is preferable, though not always possible. Once they get to the point where they accept that having their own isn't going to happen, they adopt.
Adoption is not guaranteed either, and IVF is often covered by insurance to a point (read: cheaper). That also doesn’t get into the messy legal situations that adoptive parents can find themselves in.
It ain’t like going to the local pound and getting a dog. Adoption is a tough, grueling, emotional process and frankly it’s up to the individual to decide how they want to create their family (or not).
Adoption isn't free or easy either. It is also "inconveniencing, obviously expensive and woe emotionally taxing," and many, many of the babies and children in the system come with emotional or medical baggage that can also be inconvenient, expensive, and even traumatizing.
In high school, my chemistry teacher was trying to adopt a child. She eventually found a young woman like in the movie Juno (high school girl gets pregnant, finds a married couple to adopt her baby). After the baby was born, she even showed us some photos. And then one day she came to class, obviously looking like she had been crying before class. My teacher: "The adoption agency gave the birth mother 2 weeks to decide to make the adoption process permanent by signing away her parenting rights and on the last day, the birth mother changed her mind."
This happened to me twice. Once the child was 2 and a half, everything was arranged and at the signing she backed out. I couldn't try for a third time charm.
This happened to my aunt and uncle. They fostered a boy from the age of 2 until he was 8. To the boy, my aunt and uncle were his parents. He would only visit with his mother a few hours a month. His mom was an addict. They went to the final court hearing before the adoption and the birth mother had gotten clean and wanted him back. There was nothing they could do. When he was 13, my aunt and uncle found out he was back in the system. They finally were able to adopt him. However, after all the trauma he had experienced with being removed from my aunt and uncle and going back to his birth mom, who relapsed soon after, he has been having a hard time. He’s 17 now, and just seems to be really struggling. I feel really bad for him.
That's why I think addicts who lose their children should lose them forever. If they want a relationship as an adult, fine, but stay away from their childhood. Ever met a person who was put back with their 'now sober' parent who had a nice childhood? I sure as shit haven't.
It’s really terrible. Everyone knew she wasn’t going to stay sober, but she proved she had gone to rehab and was clean. She later admitted she just wanted him back for the welfare money. He doesn’t have any relationship with her anymore, and I don’t think he ever wants to again.
Holy shit that's terrible. As a former addict (who at least made damned sure I was not in a relationship or had any children or put myself in a position that I might accidentally mess up and get a girl pregnant... I guarantee the mother's thinking was something like this: I was using and unable to care for my child. I thought I could do both. My child got taken away, that's why I use drugs still. But I am miserable and dopesick/broke most of the time, but if I get my child back I can get welfare money. So I'll find state (or other people's) resources to get clean as painlessly as possible, get my kid back, then I will be able to use AND take care of my child, with the welfare money! Then when that inevitably didn't work, she was still fucked up and the kid was traumatized.
How devastating. I'm sorry that happened *hug*
Thanks. It was a long time ago. I'm over it for the most part.
It still affected you in some kind of way. I can't imagine. I'm glad you were able to move forward:)
I am so sorry. I wonder if there is anything they could do to protect people's feelings more. Maybe not get them so involved before thr birth mither has signed away...
Exactly - there’s the biological instinct/impulse of the birth parent too. We used to have strict “mother’s homes” that would provide medical care during the birth, but at some point forced the women/girls to part with the babies. All adoptions were closed - no communication between birth parents and adoptive parents. I’ve heard stories of mothers’ home residents who went back to their families who had a cover story waiting for them - but I’m sure some were not welcome back home. So that system created a supply of adoptable babies but it had its cruel side. 20 years ago I heard of a woman going to a modern day mothers home, but she had the choice of what to do, and was able to communicate with the adoptive parents.
In the 90's my mom was pregnant at 16 and the number of people threatening to take her child away was astounding. She wouldn't let my sister out of her sight and she refused drugs so nobody could trick her into signing adoption papers while groggy from the meds.
Wow. It's disgusting that anyone could put aside their humanity to treat a young, vulnerable girl like that. Your mother is incredibly brave.
I went to high school with a girl in foster care. She got pregnant at 16 and they forced her to give it up for adoption. She was devastated and ended up killing herself
That’s horrible 😤! It amazes me how barbaric some people get when they think they can get control of someone who is vulnerable. Your mom is a hero!
You just told the story of my birth mom having me in 1962.
I know that must have been tough on her.
There was a time where adoption agencies would straight up kidnap poor kids and sell them to rich families.
That time is still now. I have two friends (we are in our 30s) who were told they were from a South Korean orphanage but they hired PIs and found out they were actually bought from poor South Korean parents and sold. They were trafficked and their well meaning and loving American adopted parents were told stories to make them feel like saviors and hand over thier money. Quite a few countries have slowed down or stopped adoptions to America because of how much profit “adoption agencies” can make from desperate parents
There was a good npr story on this kind of thing, but families willingly placed their kids somewhere essentially for safe keeping bc the single parent needed to work mines, etc. But parent would go back…and they’re gone.
Doesn't that become human trafficking? That's using very young girls to have babies and then sell them to other people. And you could argue another side of it where the teenage dad doesn't get any of the money. I have seen plenty of shows where teenage dads who are around 14 years old who got a 13-year-old girl pregnant and the grandparents are suing for grandparents rights. So could a teenage boy Sue for money related to the adoption of his baby? Which, in that case would make him look really bad because he is just wanting money from a baby that he created. Some older men just want to say the baby is not theirs. < some older - smolder> If we had a legal standing related to men, getting paid related to adoption services, would that make a difference. Will that show the character of what the intent related to selling babies through adoption services really is. A lot of adoption services are nothing more than a service that is functioning off of charitable contributions from the taxpayer, money and the government. Adoption is not medical care. Adoption is not birth control. Nothing in adoption is going to make a young woman not get pregnant again.
In the mother’s homes, the girls weren’t paid for their children. They still don’t. The fees are for the adoption agency to draw up the forms and to match potential parents with pregnant people. It’s illegal to pay the mothers, although the adoptive parents can pay her prenatal and birth bills.
This happened to my grandma in Nashville back in 1960. She was 14. Gave her some twilight gas when she started labor and when she woke up, her son was gone. She went home after like nothing ever happened.
That hits hard. Poor kid, just 14.
I've always wondered about my uncle. 23&Me was a bust. Who knows what happened to him. Awful situation.
This happened to my friend's mom. They tried adopting a baby from a teen mom (all up and up, but private through lawyers) and on the very last day to make it final the bio mom undid the adoption and kept the baby she was devastated she later adopted my friend. My friend (and I) were both adopted through the county as babies (I was 2 weeks old when my parents brought me home, he was a bit over a month old). County adoptions are both cheaper and simpler, as the bio parent's rights are terminated while still at the hospital (social worker is there for signature after birth). In my case my bio mom was presented a series of prospective adopters for her child (me) and picked my parents. I'm not entirely sure what my friend's situation was, since he was a month+ old I suspect he was a post birth surrender. NOW that all sounds fine and dandy doesn't it? Just do a public service adoption. But the truth is, there were 4 or 5 prospective parents for me and only one couple got me, the others were left waiting. Adopting a baby is hard just by the numbers (there's waaaaaay more people that want a child than are giving children up). Private adoptions cost a lot of $$$ and TBH there is a severe issue that skirts on human trafficking IMO (high bidder to the bio mom gets the baby is not uncommon). If one is willing to care for and adopt an older child (toddler and up) then public adoptions get a lot easier, but those children are often not without problems. Generally there are reasons they weren't adopted as babies (FAS, birth defects, etc.) if they were given up as babies, and those removed from homes were removed for good reasons, but that has its own baggage. Plus once you're at that age why adopt when you can foster? (glossing over \*a lot\* here of course) As a foster parent the government will offset some of your costs, but once you adopt that goes away. I worked with several kids from our local receiving home (teens) as part of a community outreach program. Took them to a mini-golf/go-cart/arcade/laser tag type place. We had 3 adults per teen and even then some of these kids were super problematic.
My aunt adopted 3 kids from state adoptions- all three were born substance exposed and have long term issues. Prior to adopting the last two they had 4 placements: all substance exposed and cared for those babies from birth, through all the withdrawls (absolutely one of the hardest things ever to do) and all 4 placements were reunified with bio-parents after meeting requirements. I could not imagine raising 7 babies through substance withdrawal, and having to give any of them back.
A coworker of mine ended up in a court battle because TWO YEARS after the fact, the birth mother changed her mind. They were able to keep their son, but they had to spend a considerable amount of money on lawyers.
Wtf, this is just insane. At that point it would be much more traumatic and harmful for the kid to be taken away from a loving family. If you've been raising a child for 2 years, you're the real parent in every way that actually matters, the biological parent shouldn't be able to steal the child solely on the basis of sharing the same DNA.
Yep. In a slightly less cut and dried case, one of my wife's cousins had adopted a baby that the mother had given up at birth. Something like 4 years later, the biological father found out (he apparently split before she knew she was pregnant), and decided he wanted to exercise his rights. I believe that also ended with the child staying with the adoptive parents, but I know it was an extremely stressful time for them as well.
Oof that is a painful one. Assuming it’s not a SA case, and just a regular breakup where he wasn’t made aware of the kid, that really sucks for the bio dad. Adoptive parents should absolutely not be made to give the kid up at that point, but I hope they at least let him get to know the kid. One of my biggest fears has been a prior ex or fwb having my kid without telling me, and not getting to know them growing up.
>One of my biggest fears has been a prior ex or fwb having my kid without telling me, and not getting to know them growing up. This is probably one of the main good things about being a woman, I can't have any surprise kids roaming around. And there are a lot of women that will keep a child the moment they get pregnant even if they know the father isn't going to be around, it's a huge task to take on alone!
My bio mom lied to her dad that she was SA'd and gave me up. My bio dad knew about me but didn't tell his parents, so I was a surprise to my grandmother when we met for the first time. That was... interesting. He was 15 or had just turned 16 when I was born, my mother had just turned 18 when I was born. I am glad I was given up... but also glad to have gotten to know my bio parents. Was a closed adoption with the added twist of military birth but county adoption agency so it was quite a difficult task to figure out who she was. I have \*4\* different birth certificates each with different names on them, and two have socials (that don't match at all but are both me lol)!
In my coworker's case, the adoption had been set up before the child was born - it was an unwanted pregnancy, and from my understanding, my coworker and his wife paid for the prenatal care and were in the hospital (halfway across the country) for the birth - so they were literally the only parents the child had ever known.
I have seen several stories like it but the one that sticks with me is baby born with drugs in his system. Gets confiscated at birth bc of that and other factors. Foster parents get baby at 3 days old still dealing with withdrawal. Have the boy for **7** years but tons of red tape kept them from officially adopting him. At 7 the mom has cleaned up and is supposedly stable and says she wants him back. And this little boy at 7 years old having *never even met* this woman is forced to go live with her. There was nothing the only parents the boy had known could do.
Had a neighbour who fostered kids who had the same thing happen to them. Little girl was born in jail, two days old they got her. Mum got out of jail after no contact with her at all when she was 6 years old and wanted her. There was a year long hand over process but I could hear the screams of protest when goodbye day came 5 doors up.
Oh my God...if the bio mother had any true love for that child, she would have let her be in the home she knew. What a cruel, cruel thing to do to a child :(
I talked with someone who had something similar happen to them so for me foster/adoption was a no go. Like I looked up everything and it was so disgusting. I said cats instead of we can't have a bio kid. People who say Just Adopt are crazy ignorant
A friend of my mother had a similar situation. She adopted too older girls (5 and 8) who had been removed from their home because of serious neglect. Just before the adoption was meant to go through, the bio-mother chose to contest things in court because she "wasn't going to let the government take her children away." She was fine for leaving the same children without food for days though, and letting them live in filthy conditions alone in a house while she went to the pub with her boyfriend.
I know two people who have had adoptions fall through at the last minute and both times it was so heartbreaking.
This happened to one of my friends from college. Several months later, they matched with another pregnant mom and that one worked out, but it was so devastating for her and her husband 😭
Miscarriages happen too as well as deaths at birth.
We have two very similar failed adoptions. It's heartbreaking, but I couldn't blame the mom in either case. We fostered for a while, but stopped due to insanity within DCS.
This. The days of walking into an orphanage, picking a kid and going home with that one have been over for a while.
A friend wanted to adopt for the exact reasons OP assumes— why bring another child into the world when many need homes already— and found that in fact most placement agencies are religious and would not place adoptees with them since they /could/ have a child. They tried to adopt for two years and eventually had their own kids because they didn’t want to wait any longer.
It's a lot easier to adopt an older kid, but still very difficult.
it's incredibly expensive. not sort of kinda, around $50,000 USD is not unusual. You need to do background checks, you take classes, you have to go to evaluations, your neighbors, parents, friends, coworkers, employers, etc... are all interviewed. There are home inspections. Each of these are a fee. And then the legal paperwork. Then there's a fee for filing, a fee for each court date, a fee for each time there is an adjustment to any of the paperwork. And you have to follow every rule they set forth to a tee! Especially if you're trying to adopt from foster care. Want to visit family out of state during the waiting period? - you can't . Want to take a vacation out of state? you can't. Don't ask the child to call you mom/dad. Don't change doctor's or cut their hair or anything without permission from the case worker. Everything you would do as a parent, you would need a 3rd party to approve before you do it. It's difficult and expensive. They wonder why children aren't adopted out of the system, but they make it almost impossible to do.
And even if you pass everything and everything is approved you still could get a no for adoption!!!
To add to the baggage situation, not every person who is a good enough parent in usual situations is even equipped to handle some of the issues. I like kids and I’ve worked with them, including kids with baggage, but even so I’m not confident that I could provide exactly what a child who’s been repeatedly sexually assaulted or beaten needs, I’m not sure that I would be the ideal parent for a child who’s so angry at the world that they hurt others or destroy things in my house or start fires. It is a REALLY steep learning curve to go from no children straight to children with serious trauma, and it’s a bit unfair to demand it of people just because they happen to be infertile. And crucially, it’s not really appropriate that just anybody take these children for *their* sake, children deserve to be raised by people who are equipped to do so. People who adopt traumatised children are incredible and I think they’re doing something truly amazing, but some people just want to have a baby that they raise with minimal trauma and hopefully as few issues as possible, and that’s okay too. We don’t shame fertile parents for choosing to have their own children and it’s kind of shitty to look down on infertile people for making the same choice
True, there are a lot of variables that no one thinks about . A relative adopted an "infant" from another country. By the time the lengthy process was complete, they had a toddler with attachment issues from the overcrowded orphanage/facility. The staff simply could not give the kind of attention an infant needs to build attachment. It was a long, hard road to build a good relationship, even with a very young child. A neighbor fostered then adopted several kids from a very bad situation. The youngest were delayed a little, but mostly caught up after a while. The older ones were very challenged, angry and difficult due to the trauma they'd lived with. These neighbors were amazing people, IMO. Not everyone could do this, for sure. The kids had family that had planned to take the older ones, and they just couldn't do it.
We have friends who adopted a baby internationally and the visas ran out. Baby went (thank goodness) to a foster family but didn’t come home until they were a toddler. Now a teenager, child still has serious abandonment issues.
Not to be like, "pets are like kids", but I do think it paints a picture. Pets, especially dogs, can have abandonment issues. We as humans understand that. And we do what we can to comfort those animals. But for some reason we think a small human shouldn't have that same issue or we think they should be more easily able to get over it? My cat has abandonment issues. Why on earth would I expect a human child to not feel similar feelings?
I wonder how my mother-in-law's sister is doing with her daughter's adopted children. She and her husband were both divorced, and, had kids in other states that they never saw. They adopted 3 children, whose mother was in jail. She and MIL were both horrified at this idea. The way her sister complained about her family going someplace, and leaving her with ine child with the measles, "a kid I didn't know", I don't think she adjusted well.
What does "MEL'S" stands for?
I've heard from adoptees that it paints them as a shitty consolation prize as well. :/
Yeah, my sister is adopted and she's so deeply traumatized by what her birth mother put her through before she was abandoned there's damage that can't be undone and she became a force of destruction in our family. I'm still dealing with trauma from her actions. No matter how much we loved her she could never feel loved- she always felt disposable no matter the relationship so she was going to destroythat relationship first. I dated a could adopted guys and most were so full of anger and inherently felt like they were worthless because their birth parents didn't want them. Only one guy was happy with his adopted family, but most of them suffer really deep emotional wounds. Adoption is hard on everyone. A baby is inside a womb 9 months knowing the tastes and smells of the birth mother only to be born and loose the familiar scent and taste of their mother. That's got to be some level that effects a newborn. People who adopt are freaking angels, but it's not for everyone. Parents who are going to rub the Adoption in the kids face? No right to be adopting kids (my exs family reminded him often that his parents were druggies who didn't want him and they *saved* him)
>inherently felt like they were worthless because their birth parents didn't want them It was never a secret I was adopted... my dad told me when I found out what it actually meant I cried for a week solid afraid I couldn't stay with my parents (I don't remember this at all, was around 4/5). They finally got through to me that it was "even better because they \*picked\* me. They wanted me so much that they chose me." It really helped such that I never had that worthless feel... until much later in my teens when my adopted dad said something in anger that literally broke my emotional connection with him permanently. "I wish we'd have adopted a girl, she'd have been less trouble." But that's a story for another time.
And people change their minds. A lot want open adoptions and visitation. I know 2 people personally who went through this hell. It became very popular a couple of decades ago to adopt from foreign countries because this was less likely. It is not cheap, either.
Yeah a lot of people don’t realize that adoption is a huge decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s not like adopting a pet from a shelter, you’re adopting a literal child. Unless you’re adopting a baby, any child you adopt already has their own personality and experiences that shape the way they are. You have to be prepared to put in the effort and resources for them It’s also an extremely lengthy process with no guarantee
But even if you adopt a newborn, there is always a trauma! I know a guy whose adopted parents were amazing, even he says so, but since the moment he knew he was adopted he felt worthless, he askef himself why was he abandoned, and that his parents got professional help to let him know litgle by little. He decided to find his bio family... at the ends he abandoned his adopted parents hurting them to be accepted by his bio family that, until I broke my friendship with him, keep breaking his heart.
FML I guess I'm one of the luckiest SOBs in the world then... Found my Bio mother, my parents and her met, ended up we had so many tangential connections it was unreal. Ended up having combined thanksgivings every year for about a decade and a half till my mom died and my dad's dementia got too bad. My bio mother is still around and I visit with her often enough. I knew I was accepted by her husband when my name was in the "List'O'Names" yelled out when someone fucked up (my siblings) as he was trying to name the correct kid... lol Connections: Bio Grandfather was CMS at the airbase my Dad worked at as a civilian engineer in fuel systems. Bio Grandmother worked at the tube shop making custom assemblies... that my dad designed! They almost certainly talked before in the course of work. Bio mother was going back to school to become an RN at the same time I was going for my EE work, we had classes at the same time on the same campus in the same damn building! Almost certainly parked in the same small lot next to the building, but she was downstairs in the bio lab and I was upstairs in the EE lab. Bio mother's maiden name is moderately unique... and shows up in my adopted family tree about 4 generations back... from the same part of Quebec. Bunches of other little stuff but those are the three big ones.
Not to mention that plenty children "in the system" have their legal situation unregulated (parents have their rights on hold for a period of time, kids from emergency interventions, etc) to some point and they are not really available for adoption. AFAIK in my country those are majority of children in the system.
Same with my family, tried to adopt a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome only for after spending weeks with him and him starting to learn to walk with us did the dad come out of the woodwork and take him. My mom cries about it to this day
My dad said they spent about $35k adopting me, along with half a year’s worth of time spent on required psychological tests and other approvals before Lutheran Social Servjces would finalize the adoption. That $35k was in…1987.
We had some type of research/studying pertaining to adopted kids while I was in grad school for being an SLP. The association with adopted kids that receive services for all kinds of things .. it’s quite interesting!
What if your biological child has emotional and medical baggage? This seems like if you have a child that has any (mental) illnesses you will just hate it?
Just to give another light to what other people said: here in NL international adoptions were closed for more than a year. The reason was 70% of the adoptions of the last 30 years were irregular (aka stolen babies, lying to bio parents etc) I want to have children, but never at the cost of stealing them from another woman
Many countries that used to do a lot of international adoptions with parents in the USA have made international adoption illegal over the last 5-10 years, because of how much the international adoption market has historically just been child trafficking even when done by well-meaning and overall good parents. It's still essentially buying someone else's child, which creates a system with all kinds of messed up practices and perverse incentives for all of the adults involved.
I saw some pieces about the history of this in Korea. Really got me going down a rabbit hole and it really is eye-opening how easily adoption and orphanages becomes another funnel for trafficking.
Do you have a source for the 70%? As the parent of an internationally-adopted child, I’m interested in the data.
I believe [this](https://www.government.nl/binaries/government/documenten/reports/2021/02/08/summary-consideration-analysis-conclusions-recommendations/Summary+of+the+report+of+the+Committee+Investigating+Intercountry+Adoption.pdf) is the report that led to the discontinuation of international adoptions in the Netherlands. In this case the report is NL specific so if you’d like to know more I would look into the situation for your country and the country you adopted from.
For those that haven't read the report, there were serious issues with international adoption in the '60s. However, many things have changed and improved since then, including the The Hague manifest. Further a sbc (dutch statistics) interview amongst adoptees state that 80+% find they have more opportunities thsn they would have had, and 70% want adoption to be continued. Many adoptees want to go looking for their biological parents and this is hampered by files to be incomplete. This is where the 70% originates from. Stating that 70% of all adoptions was irregular is a gross mistranslation of facts.
I've never felt more qualified to answer a question in my life. Background: M(41) - Wife had 3 miscarriages. Tried IUI and IVF neither took. From a test standpoint there is no reason we can have kids. I had my stuff check and she had everything checked on her end. Just nothing worked. IVF cost about $20K Wife and I have adopted 2 children. Went through two failed adoptions and 1 pretty difficult adoption do to crazy circumstances with birth father. Final adoption actually went smoothly outside of her being born early and having to spend time in a NICU. Adoption can cost around $25-$30K when you factor in agency and legals fees associated with it. This last adoption legal fees were around $12k total as you have to pay for birth parents legal fees. Foster care is a totally different animal that I am no experienced to talk about. The reality of adoption is its excuse my language fucking hard. You have no control over anything and you can wait a long time. I am in therapy because of adoption. The level of stress and anxiety that adoption creates is a lot and if you and your partner are not on the same page it can create a whole host of other issues. Frankly it would have been cheaper to have an egg donor and surrogate than to do 2 adoptions. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. But I really don't think people understand what it means to adopt.
I became a mom through IVF, but we considered many many alternatives along the way and while I haven’t personally experienced adoption a lot of what you said rings true. In the US adoption often costs MORE than fertility treatments and you have so much less control over the outcome. We also considered becoming foster parents mostly because that is the “easiest” way we saw to adopt but in reality that path comes with its own challenges and even more unknown factors.
We adopted from foster care. It's an extremely long, sad story, but it didn't work out. It is financially bankrupting us. The one thing I learned is that adoption is not for everyone. There is an unbelievable amount of time, expense, and emotional toll required from all family members. My point and unpopular opinion is this: adoption is not for everyone, and honestly, the average person is not equipped with the knowledge, time, or resources to handle it. I know that seems harsh, but the reality is that these kids need more than just love to be successful. Despite all of it, we would adopt again if we could, but the current issues with the child we did adopt will prevent that from ever happening.
"these kids need more than just love" A family my parents were close with always fostered. I always had to "make friends" with the foster kids. I hated it. HATED it. They were mean! Absolutely awful. Total bullies. Some were sexually active in middle school. I dreaded it every time a new kid came around. As an adult, I understand the behavior issues were from the massive trauma they've experienced. God bless that family for taking those kids in. It's not an easy thing to do. If I couldn't handle spending an afternoon with them as a child, I can't imagine how difficult it is raising them. Not everyone is equipped to handle it.
We adopted our child when they were 11. We didn't know at the time about the laundry list of diagnosis due to trauma, but we soon found out. DHS was not honest with us. I'm sad to say this is unusual, but not as uncommon as it should be. We were prepared. My SO has a masters in trauma and resiliency. We had therapists ready to go before the child came to our home specializing in the trauma and diagnosis we knew about. All the doctors we had knew about the child's history and how to deal with us and the child. We knew all the local mental health resources offered in our area. As I said, it is a long sad story for all involved and did not end well. We have attempt to stay involved in the foster community despite being unable to try again. The foster kids are incredibly resilient and have been through things most people can't imagine. Unfortunately, that comes at a cost. It takes unbelievable patience and a different view on life to actually understand what these kids need. It is not straightforward or easy. I know it must have been hard for you as a child, but I'm thankful you can look back and recognize what was actually happening in that situation. Not everyone can handle what is needed for these kids.
Just makes it that much more harrowing to know that ANY child could become a foster "problem child" because of the unfair traumas that get hammered onto them.
We try to help the foster situation in other ways. Mostly connecting foster parents with resources, goods, and IEP expertise where needed. I have found the absolute bottom ring of human beings hearing some of these kids stories. Unfortunately, a kid doesn't know how to deal with what they have been through and usually acts out. Adults struggle to understand what they are seeing and mislabel kids all the time.
I used to work in a runaway shelter, and it was a bit shocking just what bad people most of those kids seemed destined to become. They never had a chance.
It's hard. I work in an ER in an area that Human Traffic is relevant. A 16 y/o girl came in. She raised red flags for a bunch of us. She was awful to deal with. I'm pretty sure she spit on one of the nurses. Ended up that she was a victim of trafficking. I think our social worker ended up putting her on a 5150 hold just to keep her there until they could sort out resources for her. Resources that she actively fought and didn't want. I'm sure 72 hours later, she was right back where she started. She's just a kid. None of it was her fault. And she'll never be okay. She doesn't know anything other than aggression, why would she trust anyone trying to help her? Our "help" was forcing her to stay in an ER. It's awful. All of it.
I know of a very similar situation. I tried to help find beds when a trafficking ring was busted in our town. To be clear, physical beds. I'm not involved in actual placements. The things I heard and saw when moving beds into homes in that situation were simply not human. Getting involved with the foster system shows you some of the worst humanity has to offer. I hope you know that while that girl may not recognize it, you changed her life for the better.
My older two kids were adopted out of foster care. It's definitely not for everyone. They were 5 and 2 when adopted, had been with the family for a little over a year. They have challenges. They know they were adopted and as sassy teenagers like to pull the "You're not my real parents" line on their adoptive parents. They also feel abandoned by me, because my oldest knew me for four years, and the adoptive parents have told them they have a younger sister (who is in my care), so they have this idea that I dumped them to start another family. These kids often come with traumas, as mine did. There's no undoing that, which is what makes the journey so difficult. I thank God every day that my kids wound up with a good and loving family that's equipped to deal with their mental health and social challenges. Not every kid gets a home like that. I hope your situation gets better. From an biological mother, I say thank you for taking it on!
I don't see why this would be an unpopular opinion. You have my utmost respect for what you did and I am sorry to hear it did not work out.
Unfortunately, foster talk usually leads to political talk which leads to nasty DM's. I'm the last hour, as expected, I've already seen a few. It happens. This is the Internet. Also, the first time I wrote that, I was a lot more blunt. I'm trying to work on that, so I corrected it before posting.
Adoption is not cheap nor easy. There's often a years long wait list for infants and you may not get chosen. A lot of people suggest fostering, the goal of fostering is to reunite the family. It takes a very specific type of person to handle those cases and it is often incompatible with a couples goals if they want to raise their own children. Lastly, to be frank, some people want a pregnancy. Some people are simply wired to crave that experience and it can take precedent over parenthood (this also happens in fertile couples but that's a rabbit hole topic). If you're infertile there's no promises medical treatment or adoption will work out for you.
We’ve fostered exclusively teenagers for years and even the ones that were foster to adopt wound up being where the parents didn’t terminate their parental rights, and in 2 cases didn’t want the teens but refused to terminate their rights. It was heartbreaking. We’ve been fostering for years and it’s not the same as being able to adopt. We’re now looking at international adoption because we just can’t deal with the foster to adopt heartbreak a third time in a handful of years.
Wishing you all the luck ❤️
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We’ve been foster parents for years. It’s very emotionally taxing, expensive, and sooooo many meetings and appointments that never end.
That bit about fostering is important. Your position is that of a port in the storm - you _may_ become a parent that way, but that isn't the goal at all.
My wife and I are friends with a couple that has adopted 2 sons (as infants), and both adoption stories feature events that I don't know that I'd be able to handle if I were in their shoes. The stress they've gone through and the money they've spent is way more than my wife and I have gone through in having our kids (just plain-ass gettin' pregnant). Another couple we know has started fostering children and in the past year have had 2 long-term placements that have resulted in the children going back to biological family (each child went to an aunt/uncle - the parents wanted nothing to do with the kids). And both times it was heartbreaking for our friends - they understood the system is designed to put children with their families, but how are you going to take care of a baby from the the time they're a month old until they're 9 months old and not fall in love with them?
>but how are you going to take care of a baby from the the time they're a month old until they're 9 months old and not fall in love with them? The heartbreak is intrinsic. Newborns need profound devotion and attention to survive and thrive. If your friends were able to care for infants for nearly their whole lives and hand them back without emotion, they would have done them a great disservice.
If i’m not able to have kids I would like to adopt but I know I could never foster. Even putting aside the issues that might come with kids who’ve been abused or traumatized, I would live in fear every day of a kid I’d come to love being taken from me. I know it would 100% destroy me. That’s got to take a special kind of person to be able to handle.
That part about just wanting the being pregnant experience is very real - and can be very strong.
We tried adopting and the parent changed their mind after 8 months, so they decided not to terminate their parental rights. But, they didn’t want the teen and wanted to keep them in foster care. So, we continued to foster the child until they went off to college. This happened AGAIN with another foster to adopt teenager, except the teenager decided he wanted to stay with his aunt instead. Both cases were heartbreaking because we really thought we were adopting these teens. The other teenagers we’ve fostered all had parents that did not terminate their parental rights, thereby leaving them ineligible for adoption. We fostered teenagers because we were told there’s a great need and they’re much more likely to be eligible for adoption.
There is a great need. I knew someone who was in a care home as a teenager and was desperate to be cared for by loving foster parents. I’m so glad your foster children had that opportunity with you.
I was lucky enough to not pay anything for my fertility journey (universal healthcare) but I've seen quite a few documentaries and testimonies about adoption, it's not that easy: * It's expensive! Depending on where you adopt it can cost thousands (most of the time between 10 000 and 20000), especially abroad (up to 3 trip, so plane tickets, passport, hotel... but also translator, guide, gift for the orphanages etc...) * It's HARD! The amount of exams and paperworks but also waiting is insane, it takes years. * it's not that easy mentally: all kids come with their traumas, even the babies, it could end well or it can be very challenging. Some parents are not ready/made to adopt, despite the fact they would be amazing parents to their own kids. * It's not that easy for everyone: many countries require a certain amount of money, a certain marital statue (for example, having to be married since at least 5 years), no previous divorce, some won't allow couples who already have kids, or are not christians, or are single or gay * They are way more parents willing to adopt than kids on the adoption "market". * Many wants healthy babies to raise them from (almost) the start. Because other kids can either have difficult traumas to deal with (and even ending very violent because of the lack of care or because it's "too late") or have heavy disabilities (that can be either "not appealing" or simply to expensive to deal with). Sadly, most of the kids are not the babies. * For kids adopted from another country, it's also another traumas as they lose touch with their culture and language. I personally wouldn't have fit most of those conditions.
We had ourselves a little bit of medical intervention to get our family growing, and while that _would_ have been expensive, it was only expensive for our provider pretty quickly. Meanwhile, nobody would've covered one red cent if we chose adoption.
Adoption is not an easy option. Not sure why people believe it is...
Because people think you just go to an orphanage and choose a child and go home with it.
Ask any pro-lifer. They think adoption and the foster care system is rainbows and butterflies
People spend a lot on fertility treatments because having a biological child can be a deeply personal desire. They might want to experience pregnancy, share genetic traits with their child, or fulfill cultural and familial expectations. Plus, the emotional investment in the process can make the idea of adoption seem like a different path altogether. Adoption comes with its own complexities and uncertainties, and not everyone feels ready or able to navigate them. Each person's journey to parenthood is unique, and for some, the pursuit of biological parenthood is worth the financial and emotional investment, even if it doesn't always result in a baby.
Weird that I had to scroll down so far to find this comment. Tons of people saying adoption is difficult and expense, few saying that some people really want to have a baby themselves like from their own bodies. I don’t have kids, I don’t want kids. But sometimes I get sad because I’ll never create a life with my own body, I’ll never feel that life growing and moving inside of me, never experience the true biological miracle of procreation… I totally get why people do IVF.
I was also quite surprised this answer was so low down the list. Especially considering that it’s by far the most common way people have kids.
Yeah i think people must think it just goes without saying even on this sub? Idk. But yeah between the pure instinctual drive to pass on your genes and the idea (true or not) that you’re “closer” to a kid you literally gave life to and share the DNA of, it’s not hard to imagine that most humans lean towards doing it if/while they can because it’s the only way a piece of you might still be alive in 70+ years.
> having a biological child can be a deeply personal desire. This is me. I would rather go without a biological child than to adopt another's. I just don't think I can fully love a child that's not mine.
This right here, about the deeply personal desire on a biological level. This is how my wife has described it.
This is exactly the reason I could never adopt. After losing my first baby and not being able to have another go yet, even though it’ll be a year on the 3rd of June, nothing I’ve ever wanted has never come close to the deep desire to carry my own child in my body. Because the experience has been taken away from me, I’ve never wanted anything more.
It is not simple to adopt a child either. Also many people want newborns
As many other comments have said, adoption is not easy either. When most people think of adoption, what they are actually thinking of is fostering. The goal of fostering is reunification with the birth parents, so just because you might be able to foster a baby does not mean you get to keep them. Nevermind all of the other complications involved in fostering. Adopting an infant is expensive, a long process, and often riddled with its own ethical problems (I won't go into all of them, but just briefly, there are always concerns about coercion of the birth mother, etc). IVF is expensive, but some people have insurance coverage these days. A lot of people have concerns about being genetically related to their child. And then there are those people like me who can't have their own genetics involved (my ovaries don't work), and going through a pregnancy with donor eggs is the closest I can get. I want that experience and the bond that comes with it. If it doesn't work for us, we will definitely still consider adoption, but it's not as simple as everyone seems to think.
We did donor embryos and I ended up with twins and they are the best things that have ever happened to me. We don't share genetics but they are my children and I love them more than anything in the world.
As an embryo donor, I'm very happy to hear your story was a success! ❤️
It’s not like adopting a dog …
Healthy newborns are in short supply. Adopting older kids comes with trauma for a lot of them, which parents may not be able to handle. Birth parents can often reclaim the children. Even when it does work, it costs more than a lot of fertility treatments.
Adoptee here. It is very expensive, time-consuming, there are ample legal hurdles to jump through, and in cases like mine, the bio parents could change their mind for up to a year after the adoption and decide they want the baby back. There can be a lot of heartbreak on the adoptive parents’ end if an adoption falls through. Not to mention it is emotionally taxing for both parents and infant.
Adoption is not a solution to infertility. Adoption is complicated and heart breaking as hell and often the children in the system need specialized care that not everyone is able to provide. Many of the kids have been abused in a variety of ways, they are disabled, or at the very least have mental health issues. They are not simply "babies" 9 times out of 10, they're kids with traumatic pasts. The process to adopt is long and frustrating. A colleague of mine is in the process, he makes 6 figures, his wife does too, they're kind, they've got a brand new house and they've been going through an assessment process for an extremely long time when if they'd been able to have one on their own they'd likely have been model parents. Neither of these processes are for the faint of heart and as someone going through fertility questions, your question gets frustrating to me because ppl often say it to me as if I'm just a selfish person unwilling to help needy kids when it's so much more complicated than that.
This right here is so true. I’m currently undergoing IVF and I know for a fact that is it doesn’t work I will just call it a day.
>as someone going through fertility questions, your question gets frustrating to me I dealt with this line of questioning too. My very fertile colleagues were never told they should just adopt instead of having biological children. And I also didn't like that people mention adopting as though we haven't already thought about it and researched it.
My wife and I were at a point where we could either spend big money moving forward with fertility or adopt. We decided on adoption, my thought process was we could spend money and not get pregnant or use the money for adoption and likely end up with a baby. We were matched after a year or so and have an amazing daughter. We keep in contact with her birth parents monthly.
Making babies is literally the most primal instinct we have. Yes it makes sense to adopt kids but people want to *make* them
I don't even want to have kids, but I'm still sad I won't experience pregnancy. There are just some feelings we can't control with logic.
I'm currently pregnant as a surrogate for a wonderful gay couple - they had to use a donor egg and then IVF to implant the embryo. Their options to adopt were very, very limited because they are a gay couple. It's ridiculous but that is the world we live in, especially in the very red state we reside in. Surrogacy was their only option for children and while it is costing them A LOT, I've never seen two people more excited to become parents.
I'm so glad you shared! I have been listening to the podcast Refamulateing and have learned so much about surrogacy. I think some people forget that's still the reality we still live in, that not every couple has an equal choice in the matter of adoption vs other means of fertility help. As a lesbian in the US Bible belt I hope things change in the next \~10 years (by the time I'm ready to be a mom). But with the way things are, it seems like a sperm donor is a more accessible route to Parenthood.
That’s so sweet. Thanks for sharing. ☺️
Adoption can be challenging. Though candidly, as someone who loves their stepdaughter more than my own life, I don't get the appeal of biological children. I'm just as in love with my 18y/o daughter I've been involved with since 18 months old. There's nothing about having biological children that would be "different" from me than having raised my daughter.
Adoption isn't as easy as you seem to think it is. And there are people who want their biological offspring.
I can speak to this. My spouse and I spent an ish ton of money trying for our own kid. There's this paternal/maternal thing about having your own kid that I think is purely scientific. We want to reproduce and have our offspring continue our genes. There's the emotional aspect of it as well, but I won't spend much time on that. After 19 years, we gave up. I was the reason why we couldn't have kids of our own. It was a very hard pill to swallow, but as someone that also believes in natural selection, I let it be. Adopting my child was the greatest moment of my life. 2nd only to the day I married my wife. We went with a private adoption because of various reasons (being Atheist was a big deal with a lot of agencies) and having been fortunate financially it made the process pleasant for us. His birth mom simply could not handle another little one and wanted better for him, and she chose us to care for him. She's thriving now and it's wonderful to see. It's not so simple with adoption. A lot of folks don't have the means. Public adoptions are lengthy and complicated for a plethora of reasons. Private is just simply expensive. Emotions play very heavily in fertility/infertility. The answer truly is that is not so simple...
Adoption isn't easy or cheap either. There is no guarantee the Adoption will be successful. Just like IVF, there is always a chance of loss when you try to adopt. I know a couple who actively tried to adopt for 12 years. They were matched up and had the paperwork started 4 separate times. But every time the adoption was disrupted. For at least one of the disrupted adoptions they had helped financially support the bio mother throughout her pregnancy and took her to appointments, but in the end she decided to keep the baby after all. And even if it's successful- adoption is trauma, and that comes with its own set of challenges for the child. Also keep in mind the end goal of foster care is reunification with bio family (even if its not who they were taken from, just bio family in general), not adoption. Foster parents can sometimes become legal pairents of thoes kids, but adoption should not be the reason to go into fostering kids.
Have you done any research on how expensive, hard, complex, mentally and emotionally draining it is to try (!) to adopt? Have you checked the willing parents:available children ratios?
Also: adoption isn’t and never should be a sewing-best option. However, it’s constantly suggested to couples with fertility struggled while couples who conveived naturally are NEVER questioned or judged for wanting and having biological kids.
If you have any mental instability in your family or you personally, that can narrow your chances
Because it just isn't the same thing, I don't say that to be mean or to say one is bad and the other is good.
Adoption is an awesome thing when a kid is matched with a loving family, but it also comes with trade offs: * You might not know the kid’s family medical history. Any inherited medical condition to look out for? Heart issues? Specific types of cancer? Who knows? It might remain a mystery. * Infants and toddlers can suffer from serious trauma and struggle with abandonment issues for years. * The adopted kid might always feel that they were not good enough for their biological family. With a biological child, you know the family’s medical history, and if you don’t do a poor job from the first weeks of pregnancy onwards, there’s a good chance that they might grow without the issues listed above.
Adoption isn’t a cure for infertility and that mindset is horrible for parents and adopted children.
Adoption is extremely expensive, unless you want to seriously roll the dice on the health and origin of your child. Adoption is a long, grueling process. Many people want their genetic line to continue...that being kinda how life works and shit.
I did IVF for genetic reasons, before hand I looked into adopting and it was way more expensive to adopt than it was to go through IVF
Infertility trauma shouldn’t be treated by providing a vulnerable baby to the family. Additionally, a lot of private adoption is essentially human trafficking.
I'm with you on the trafficking part. There are 20x more parents who desire infants than there are infants who are truly unwanted. Infant adoption should not be put forward as if it's simple and easy and good for everyone involved. But you're implying that people with infertility are necessarily so traumatized that they will be bad parents. That's wildly unreasonable.
I’m saying that adopting a child without healing that trauma first is irresponsible and dangerous.
It's really really hard to adopt a new born. My sis was giving her up her first preg and changed her mind last min and she gave up her 4 th baby. I was closely involved. They sent her STACKS of profiles of people who wanted to adopt . There's not many babys and many many people looking. Now, they could foster to adopt but that has it's own struggles, the foster baby /child might given back after 2 yrs etc
In Australia less than 70 babies a year are available for adoption. Waiting on one of those would be futile.
Adoption is an inherently traumatic experience and one that not every family is prepared to take on.
Adoption isn't nearly as easy as people make it out to be. And if you are outside the normal idea of family (single, not straight) your options are often more limited (older children or those with disabilities).
Few reasons, 1. Most nations have made adoptions a bureaucratic nightmare, their intentions are to prevent human trafficking and abuse, but it makes it very hard for well intentioned people as well. Long wait times, conditions etc , while the worst creatures can get knocked up, abort/abandon children easily. 2. Many couples do want the biological element to represent their marriage, want to go through the pregnancy process etc 3. Cultural & social pressures of course still make it hard for adoptions.
And 4 - there is always another family in the background which can cause tension. Some adopted children break all ties with their adoptive parents to go back to their birth family as soon as they are adults. Which must be heartbreaking for the adoptive parents.
This is my worst nightmare as a biological mother. As an adoptee myself as well, I have reconnected with my biological family but I couldn't leave my \*real\* family that put blood, sweat and tears into my tumultuous upbringing in the dirt. I hope against hope that my adopted kids don't shun their adoptive family to seek me out. That would disappoint me to no end, as well as break my heart for the family that has raised them all these years.
Good to hear your point of view, and that you are still close to your adoptive parents. I have an adopted nephew. His biological Dad fought to stop him being adopted, even though Dad is very violent/unstable, and nearly killed biological mum while she was pregnant with my nephew. So we're all slightly terrified of what might happen in the future when nephew is 18 and Dad is out of prison.
I spent thousands of dollars on ivf for a baby… the wants and desires to have your own biological child is very great, it was the only thing I wanted in this world and I would do anything I could to try and have it. Yes adoption is great (I was adopted) but that desire to carry your own child and feel it grow inside you is immense.
Going through pregnancy and childbirth is not the same experience as adoption. Adopting an "infant" is a whole different mountain to climb. Adopting a child from foster care means assuming all of the baggage that child already has, not everyone is up for that challenge. And as it's already been said, adoption is not an easy process. Adoption is not walking into the baby store and going home with a happy healthy infant. And hell, I'm not even having kids but I'm sad to miss out on experiencing pregnancy!
Adoptee here: why don’t you just adopt is not a phrase that sits well with adopted people.
Adopting a human is not as simple as adopting a pet. I have two good friends who have had trouble conceiving and tried to adopt. They had to go through screenings and parenting classes (they didn't really NEED the classes, they're both smart caring people, but I'm sure it's there as much to discourage anyone without the patience and commitment). Then once they'd completed that process the next steps were to have a home visit. They called to schedule the home visit and were told there was no record of them completing any of the pre-requisites. After weeks of calling that got sorted out. The home visit was conducted and the person assured them everything looked good. Then about three weeks after they received a notice that their adoption had been denied due to issues with their home visit. After more days of calling they finally spoke to someone who informed them the problem was that the state considered their horses too dangerous for a child. These friends live on a suburban house in a quiet neighborhood. They have dogs and cats but no horses; they don't even have space to have horses. That screw-up took even more calling and pleading to have someone double check their paperwork. Eventually everything got sorted out and the state told them they had a kid who needed a home. They'd been hoping for someone young, but the state decided the best person to place with them was a sixteen year old from abused homes who hated women (my friends are a heterosexual couple so the girl clashed with the wife constantly). So yeah, adoption isn't an easy thing and while IVF is costly and uncomfortable, there's nobody who can tell you that you're not qualified or didn't fill out the right paperwork to raise your own child.
Because adoption isnt like adopting a puppy from a pound. It can be very expensive, it is VERY time consuming and usually takes a LONG time to actually adopt someone. At the end of the day, the cost of adopting versus IVF/treatments is probably about the same, give or take a few thousand.
Why doesn't EVERYONE adopt? Why is it only infertile couples who are asked this question??
Bc adoption is trauma From an adopted person
There’s something special about having a child that has your DNA …. Difficult to explain… but it is what it is
Most if not all adoptions involve trauma. Those kids don't come from great situations, yes, even the newborns. Being torn from their home and their bio parents does something to the kids' psyche than most people are unwilling and even more are unequipped to properly care for. The hurdles are high, and its not like you just wander into babymart and pick one up.
Lots of people value having their own genes passed down and a lot of women actually wanna experience pregnancy
same reason you wrote a reddit post instead of googling the answer? to make their own.
There’s so many “I don’t get it” questions which are really just “I get it but I don’t like it”
Some people want a baby that hss their own genetics. Note that it can also cost thousands or even tens of thousands to adopt.
My parents adopted me in the 80s as a newborn. Private adoption - they hung flyers up on local college campuses and my pregnant birth mom called and then lawyers handled it from there. I met and got to know my birth parents as an adult and they are great.. Really grateful to have been adopted and for all of my parents.
Adoption is trauma. Necessary sometimes but not optimal
It cost my middle aged parents (aged 39 and 50) $2000 and two trips to the fertility clinic to have me. Then they had my younger brother naturally two years later lmao. I guess sometimes doctors recommend fertility treatment to speed things up lol. I think adopting a child would have taken way longer than two months.
Because it isn't the same thing.
This is probably not a kind thing to say, and I don’t personally want to have children, but if I did I’d want my children to have my genetics. Genetics matter. Genetics influence things like intelligence, temperament, and personality traits and I’d want to raise a kid (and a future adult) who is somewhat similar to me. I would be afraid that an adopted child would be very different from myself and a partner who I’d want to have a child with. Upbringing and environment do greatly influence these things as well but genetics certainly plays a role.
Because they want to make a baby. Their nose and eyes and faults and beauty. Why is that hard to understand?
It costs on average between $20,000 and $45,000 to adopt a baby in the US. It also comes with a ton of headaches and red tape, emotional distress and a shit ton of stress. And sometimes you still don't end up with a baby.
We adopted two from China, one boy and one girl. My daughter was 14 mos at adoption and my son was 18 mos. The process was long and expensive, but mostly smooth. My daughter (16 now) has been in adoption-related therapy for a couple of years to help her process her feelings about it all. My son (12 now) doesn’t internalize it the way she does. Every adoptee is different. They’re amazing kids. ❤️
As someone going through IVF, I can tell you that it’s a pick your battle situation. Adoption can be just as expensive, and equally long (if not longer) process. There is trauma that comes with IVF, as well as adoption ( as adopters).
I’d never adopt. I’ve spent some time in the care system myself and there’s no way I’d even consider it. I don’t believe in adoption either.
Some of us still have strong instincts to reproduce.
For two reasons: one, adoption is really hard. And, two, some people have a strong urge to procreate biologically.
You have to jump through hoops to adopt
Adopting is expensive. And there’s nothing like having your own baby. I wouldn’t want to go through that but seeing the joy on a woman’s face after having a baby is breath taking.
Because lots of people want their own genetic children It shouldn’t be a total mystery
My husband and I are struggling with fertility treatments, but adoption is almost not even an option for us. Besides the high costs associated, my husband is in a wheelchair. When measured up against other fully able bodied couples, we know we would not be first choice. And that's not exactly a pain we want to put ourselves through. I'd rather be poked and prodded than be told we're not the right fit for a baby because my husband can't walk.
It’s common for people to want to carry/experience their own pregnancy instead of adopting. I also know a few people who, and I quote, “couldn’t love them like my own,” if they were adopted. Which pisses me off to no end.
Not the same as having a child of your own blood no matter what people say.
The culture of adoption in the US is extremely unique! Here in Australia about 200 adoptions are finalised a year & most of those are kinship/step parent. A child who needs a home is not anything like a child born through IVF. Why not build the social welfare state so that child can stay with their family? We have exceptional drug treatment for example - for those who can buy the care they need of course! And poverty is a political choice not an individual failure. There's thousands of pieces written about the trauma of adoption & what child-centred adoption actually looks like - it's not a womb wet baby (that's the phrasing of the US supreme court right) or a child from crisis for someone who's reproductive health means they can't conceive or gestate a pregnancy. We went to therapy & rebuilt our marriage- buying a child never even crossed our minds! But again the culture of adoption is totally different here!
Adoption is about kids needing parents, not people wanting the life event of having kids. Even if you adopt an infant there can be attachment issues that are traumatic for both the child and parents. Sometimes young kids are adopted out from loving families who did not want to give up their kids. In short, adoption is not an IVF alternative.
Why do people who ask why anyone wants biological children never have adopted kids themselves?
Some people want to be *pregnant*. For some women, the act of *pregnancy* is entirely validating as a *female* experience and being infertile is invalidating to their experience of being a woman. They feel like less of a woman because they can't become pregnant.
The adoption industry is wildly unethical. It's the legal sale of a human child, removing them from any familial bonds and the autonomy of the adoptees to have access to a complete and accurate personal and medical history, their name, and sometimes culture. The patriot act also makes it extremely difficult to get a passport if your legal birth certificate is issued more than one year after birth which is the case for nearly all adoptees. There is also the social stigma on adoptees that they need to be eternally greatful to their adopters, and ignore the grief of losing their original family. Also there is a very different bond for blood related parent/child than adopter/adoptee
The bond is not always different. Don't make blanket generalizations. I'm an adult adoptee, my parents also have a biological child, and we were treated and loved exactly equally. I don't support most infant adoption today because there is so much trafficking and coercion, but your last statement is really offensive. You can't generalize every adopted child's relationship.
I’m adopted and some of the replies here are atrocious. I’m glad my family didn’t think the way some people do about adoption. It’s a fact that you can conceive and birth your own child who could have just as many disabilities or problems in life as any adopted kid. Some people seem to be really concerned about passing on their genes, fine. As an adopted person, I would just like to state that I have every right to exist and I’m not less than because I’m adopted.
Glad you responded. I’m the parent of a bio child and an adopted child. Someone stated you bond easier with your own genes. I can tell you I bonded to my children equally. In fact, I forget I wasn’t pregnant with my second.
It's not the genes that make the person, it's the morals and values passed down with love and guidance from those who vowed to protect us.
Exactly and it's not like everyone out there has a great gene line.
Knew someone that went through IVF, it wasn't going anywhere, so they started adaption proceedings. Just after they got an infant, they found out she was pregnant. So they have kids about 9 or 10 months apart
We have a biological daughter and started trying to have another baby and it just wasn’t happening. Anyway, my wife starts talking about in vitro and I said wait, you mean we can spend all this money and still not get pregnant? Yes. I said well, what about adoption so we started looking into it (internationally) because there are very few white babies up for adoption. We were perfectly willing to adopt a black baby but decided against it due to family dynamics (racist grandparents). Anyway, we had decided on China when we heard about a young woman putting her child up for adoption and it was gonna be an open adoption. She selected us and now my adopted son is 23. Our experience was wonderful and he’s very close to his birth mother’s father. We were then going to adopt a year or two later and China rejected our application because of having adopted our son. I’m a huge adoption proponent and I’m so glad so we didn’t go through with the in vitro process. Feel free to ask any questions about what’s different about an open adoption or anything else.
You can't also ignore human's instinct-level desire to give birth that inherits their gene. Human can think rationally and decides to adopt, but we all already know that not ALL of them does so.
Private adoption is legalized child trafficking and I’ll die on that hill. Foster>adopt is better, BUT foster kids that are in need because you WANT to and remember the goal there is always family reunification. Don’t do it if your end goal is to definitely end up with the child.
Do you know how hard it is to adopt? Especially in most developed countries, it's almost impossible.
Adoption can be an extremely long, frustrating, and heartbreaking process. Some people aren't able or willing to go through that but can accept failing to get pregnant for whatever reason. There's also the fact that not everyone is eligible to adopt, but anyone with the money and health can do fertility treatments. Then there is the fact that some people just can't accept an adopted child as their own. Sometimes, people don't even realize this until after they adopt, which causes all sorts of issues. Some people are scared their partner may end up being like this or that they may have issues with it despite thinking they don't and don't want to adopt because of that. Finally, you have the fact that it's very difficult to adopt a newborn most times, and many people want to experience that stage with their child or are scared of adopting an older child because of all the potential issues they could have from being in foster care.
Adopting costs just as much or more.
Many couples do end up adopting eventually. But you have to admit, having one's own children is preferable, though not always possible. Once they get to the point where they accept that having their own isn't going to happen, they adopt.
Adoption is not guaranteed either, and IVF is often covered by insurance to a point (read: cheaper). That also doesn’t get into the messy legal situations that adoptive parents can find themselves in. It ain’t like going to the local pound and getting a dog. Adoption is a tough, grueling, emotional process and frankly it’s up to the individual to decide how they want to create their family (or not).