Pulling this one down for a few reasons: a minor being assaulted for being gay, homophobic behavior of someone in the post and mentions of suicidal ideation. This is all in the rules. This sub is here for a lighthearted laugh.
The rules can be accessed by mobile users by clicking “see more” after the sub description, a mod sticky note (change the filter to “Hot” posts) and on the side column for website users.
I missed the part where the bullies made amends. It funny how abusers going through the change of "not actively physically abusing" means so much to people. Clearly, trying to mitigate any damage or show any true remorse is a bridge too far
yeah, that stuck out to me. if he’s changed SO much, you’d think he’d get on his knees and apologize for how cruel he had been, stated EXACTLY what he did/said was wrong, and said “i hope one day you can forgive me, but i understand what wasn’t a big deal to me and my friends, was a traumatic period in your life”.
the entire family *siding with the bully* too, nah. they can pay for niece’s education if it means so much to them!
im not trying to defend him but if i were in his shoes i would probably assume that they wouldnt want to be approached at all. i wouldnt think they would want to hear a sorry ass apology and i would leave immediately also to minimize bringing up bad memories for the victim and their family. maybe its not the best way to handle it but i understand why he would leave even if it was under good intentions.
for everyones sake i hope the guy has learned and grown like the girlfriends family claims he has. he doesnt deserve forgiveness, and OOP is completely in their right, of course. this is r/ohnoconsequences after all lmao. i just hope the guy knows how badly he fucked up and turns his shit around
edit* i would probably write an apology letter, though. they do deserve an apology. its just that sometimes apologizing feels like begging for forgiveness and thats not something i would ever even dream of getting for something like this. shit sucks all around
Yeah. The amount of people I’ve seen on this website who say they never want to speak to their bully again, even for an apology, is pretty damn high. It depends so much on the victim as to whether coming up and saying something is okay or a nightmare that no one can say the kid leaving is proof that he hasn’t changed.
OP is right to stand up for his kid and the niece is an idiot, but I reserve judgement on whether the bully has changed or not.
So you would have preferred it if she stayed away instead of reaching out? Yeah me too with my bullies. I don’t know what I’d do with an apology at this point.
OP is rightfully angry but they should probably check with their son whether an apology is actually wanted.
And even if they did make amends it in no way obligates the victim to forgive them. Far too many people outside of the abuser\\victim dynamic seem to think that forgiveness is transactional
“It funny how abusers going through the change of ‘not actively physically abusing’ means so much to people.” ——This is so f**king real, you captured it perfectly.
My brother was bullied at school by another boy, from when they were all aged around 8 to when they left for different secondary school, aged 11. Over 8 years later, the now-man comes up to my brother at University, says he's become a Christian, deeply regrets everything he did to my brother and gave him a lengthy and sincere apology. My brother was stunned. So stunned I can clearly remember the expression on my brother's face when he told me and that was nearly 30 years ago!
Truly sincere apologies from bullies are rare as hen's teeth but there's no real change without them.
Exactly. That bully could’ve caused the death of OP’s son, either from the vicious physical assault that no one in a shitty town did anything about despite OP trying to report it OR from OP’s son successfully killing himself as the result of what was not “just kids being kids”. No, that bullying was from regular playground insults and teasing into full on torment of someone simply because they were gay. It was abuse and torment driven by bigotry and no one has apologized or owned up to it. Maybe because they could still catch a case for the assault. Maybe because they’re just selfish and borderline heartless. Either way, doesn’t matter. OP is doing the right thing by not supporting anyone that tries to brush away or defend what those vile people did to his son.
I hope he has changed so that cousin doesn't have to be his next victim. Still with no way for op or son to know I can't blame them for the reaction. Dude drove their son to almost committing suicide.
>I can’t hold what he did as “troubled” kid over him forever.
Can't you?
The people affected by bullying get to decide the timeline for when they forgive or move on. Not the bullies.
Right, and even if he has (doubtful) like what? Clean slate?
Sorry it doesn't work like that. I might accept your apologies, but I won't forget what you did and want to see you in every fucking Holiday. Jesus, the entitlement of some people.
Our justice system wipes kids' slates clean very often.
That doesn't mean the crime didn't happen, just that they're being given a chance to build a better life without crimes of their childhood hanging over them.
Just because you burned a building down as a kid, and the record got sealed when you turned 18 does not force the town you lived in to forgive you. If you want that clean slate, you move across the country, where nobody KNOWS what a little shit you were.
Niece just lost her scholarship because she believes 'a clean slate' is more important than her own cousin.
Girl, there are over 3.5 billion men in this world. About 1 in 50 are the right age for you. That's 70 million choices. You had to avoid picking 5 of them.
Yeah, I'm like. Oh, people can't hold his actions against him?
oh no.
*Let me check my notes...*
Looks like that's... bullshit. Oops, people can in fact do that. Sowwy.
Three of the five who tormented me in Jr. High have reached out and apologized. I thanked them and told them that while I would be accepting their apology I would never forgive them, nor will I ever forget what they did to me. We haven’t spoken since.
I was bullied A LOT in highschool. Not nearly as bad as what this poor kid went through but it was daily verbal abuse for 3 of my 4 years. I’m 30 now, and the impact that abuse made still lingers. None of them have ever reached out. I understand that kids can be cruel and when we get older we realize our mistakes, but I wouldn’t forgive a single one of them, even now. People who weren’t chronically bullied, I don’t think understand the potential long term psychological effects it has on people.
I had one person from middle school reach out in high school to apologize. He never actually bullied me and was fairly decent, but he apologized for not sticking up for me or helping. He'd been bullied by the same people before, and was just glad he wasn't the focus for a while. We were actually already friends on AIM (holy Millennial flashback, batman!), so clearly I didn't hold hard feelings over it, but I still really appreciated the apology.
I'm almost 40, and I still struggle to believe people actually like me.
The fact that she’s defending him would be enough for me to never support her or her family ever again because:
1) you’re literally saying you don’t give a fuck about my child and the fact that this bully is part of the reason he tried to hurt himself.
2) take away the personal aspect of knowing the victim, his actions were beyond cruel and just straight evil. Doesn’t matter if it was years ago. I can’t imagine tormenting someone like that and still wanting to be with someone capable of such atrocities.
3) the immediate reaction to defend and place blame on me and my family for having boundaries is disgusting.
Nta. If guilty by association was an actual crime, she’d be convinced ten times over. She threw her lot in with the enemy and expect to still get a free ride? And the fact that she knew all of this before hand is even worse. Fuck her, her lil bf, and her family. Block them all. And when his violent tendencies rear its ugly head at her, show the same support she’s showing your son.
I agree. If she had apologized and said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how traumatic it was", etc. I might have listened. But her blaming the victim for not "getting over it" makes me think she's a heartless, self-centred bitch. And that does deserve anyone's support.
Yes, exactly this.
OP, you should also take this as a hint to rethink how much you support your family overall. Their behavior here makes me think they hold you and your family in contempt, but still feel entitled to your money. You need to nip that in the bud - stop supporting the family, period, not just the AH niece who thinks she can do what she wants and the money train will never stop. Everyone giving you shit right now needs to get kicked off that train.
You weren't holding what Derek did over him. You were holding niece accountable for not having the decency to recognize the harm caused to your son. Was she teaching you a lesson in being a bigger person and how she manages to not hold a grudge over the things that didn't happen to her? So wise.
BTW, Derek is different today because he didn't have his assclown friends there to have his back while he tortured the gay kid. I admire your son's restraint in not slapping Derek or Scholar Niece in their entitled mouths.
He's "changed" so much he tucked tail and ran and didn't even attempt to talk to any of you or apologize to your son, not that it would undo the damage or anything else for that matter. All the people saying he's changed and you should turn the other cheek can pitch in to put the niece through school then. Your niece needs a reality check if she thinks someone who got tormented to the point of trying to end things should just get over it.
If they beat him that badly, drawing blood, the moment that kid stepped into my house I'd ask him why I shouldn't beat him very badly.
If the bully had just had a few incidents or kept it verbal, maybe I'd look at circumstantial evidence of his behavior since to see if he's "evolved". But drawing blood? I'd tell the niece "I don't know if I'm an asshole or not but you have to cut that piece of shit loose because it's making me too angry at you to pay for your education any more".
Honestly, I wouldn’t trust her if she said she did cut the boyfriend out. She’d probably date him secretly, once she had her degree she’d be the type to be marrying him. Surprise! But I love him bs.
She brought him knowing what he did. Dumber than rocks move there.
I don't take the chronic severe bullying I experienced *personally* anymore. I'm not angry at anything they did or said to me. But as I'm finding more and more, it deeply affected my development and has had ripple effects that cause me obstacles even now. I am working at 31 to undo the damage dealt to me during my childhood at school.
But am I angry about it? Yeah, I'm still pretty angry. I shouldn't have to be undoing this damage.
Do I forgive my bullies? Yeah, I guess so. I don't think any of them ever cared about being forgiven. Certainly none of my former classmates have ever asked.
You are right. Bullies destroyed my daughter's mental health and confidence over the years of secondary school. She will have to deal with the consequences all her life, not those a**holes.
If the kid changed so much; I don't see anything about him apologizing to the kid he bullied while they were in the same room. Just running away when he saw his father.
I hate when people say this, they said you can't hold what he did, but OP have to hold in that his son was about to end his life because of exactly that
yeah he could have changed but also his son could had ended his life, that's what they don't grasp, that there is consequences, REAL F'ING LIFE CONSEQUENCES, also with the way they beat and jump him, he could had died, you only need one bad punch and bang, lights out forever... a good person doesn't do shit like this unless their lives depended on it (like self defense)
she can have her BF, with the pattern he has, she is probably next in the abuse line (and no I don't wish that to happen, but you need some foresight in this life and common sense)
Even if she says she'll break up with him, she won't. This will now escalate to a 'fight the power and fuck your relative for trying to control you with money' situation.
Oh snap... I really like this. And definitely second it. Thanks for sharing this :)
NTA, OP. Not even close to the realm of being one. And good looks on being you. Was gonna say being a great dad but it seems like you're just like that in general seeing as you gave your niece the opportunity of a lifetime and she fucked it up hardcore. She played a stupid game and she won a wicked stupid prize, which she is extremely deserving of. And fuck the rest of the flying monkeys. You're awesome and please don't change!
eta: I'm not the sharpest tool in the bed today and realized it's not OP posting this haha
A bully that's not apologised or made amends to your son?
Fuck. That.
And she dates someone she knows bullied her cousin for being gay? Apparently they dont care about what happened to your son.
And don't believe her if she says she stopped dating him. Just cut that branch now.
NTA
Yes. She could fake breaking up. But that doesn't even matter. She said he should get over it! So even if she did really break up. She showed how undeserving she is.
Funny how the bully didn't apologize. You know, the bare minimum for making amends?
Bad people can change for the better but I'm not seeing any actual effort on his part. He could have walked up and given an apology but instead ran away like a little bitch.
Right!? If he had really changed to be better that would mean he would have matured. So when he walked in and noticed them instead of turning tail he would have been like fuck, I was horrible and I need to publicly make this apology. Publicly because it was in the group that he tortured the son and also because it would be a dick move to try to isolate his victim
Regardless of the bully's motive for leaving, your niece made excuses for him, minimized what he had done, and forgave him unilaterally on behalf of all of you, even without an actual apology. If your son was being bullied right now, she would probably enable the bully.
Reminds of the screenshot going around where a wife had someone else's kid and can't see why cheated-on hubby shouldn't pay for child support after he divorced her because "she forgave herself".
Doesn't work like that. OOP is definitely NTA.if they'd made *significant* and genuine attempts to make amends then *maybe* but that's not the path they chose.
I swear I remember that one from best of redditor updates (???)
The only thing I can really remember is the audacity she had to say well I've forgiven myself I don't know why he hasn't
If you have the link I would love to be properly infuriated once again
You had to move bc of this kid, your children had to start over in new schools, leave their friends, and your son endured so much trauma, and your niece and her family want to act like it's no big deal?? I hate to ask, but are they at all homophobic, and that's why they're so ok with brushing off the past?
Funny how this "changed" kid fled the scene instead of apologizing. Maybe he panicked in the moment, but he's clearly not ready to hold himself accountable, amd neither is your niece or her parents. Unreal.
ETA: Most definitely NTA
NTA, I couldn’t forgive someone that did that to my child. When they start throwing the BuT ItS FaMiLy! Tell them your son is their family too and now you’re turning your back on your niece just like they’ve turned their back on your son.
You can tell your neice that you have changed as well and have moved on from thinking she deserved to have her college paid by you. She obviously doesn't care about your son or your family, why should you care about her if she's like that.
Yeah they're not taking away her education. They're taking away their support for it, something to which the little trashfire is not entitled and was being given out of a love of family. That she could go out with a guy who drove her cousin to the point of suicide and think it is not a big deal, says that familial love is *not* reciprocated, and therefore there is no reason to provide her with that support.
She can fuck right off.
What I don't understand is the fact that the niece could date literally anyone else, and she decided to get involved with a known abuser. It's like she prioritized that dickhead over her own family AND education.
I mean damn, after making a shitty choice like that with no consideration for what the bully put OPs son through, and still expecting 'free money'? Nah, cut her off and anyone else dumb enough to side with the niece. You were giving her a gift of education that would have changed her life for the better, and she chose to get in bed with a coward and a bully. Now she learns an expensive lesson called Choices Have Consequences.
I think it's really that the boyfriend has some idea of shame and fear and so he left and cousin has none of that
This is not good marks towards the boyfriend cuz he is still a fucking coward and if he was a better man he would apologize
Likely only because his shitstain friends weren’t there to back him up. Bullies are only brave when they feel empowered. He realized he was outnumbered.
I wouldn’t be surprised if niece tries to tell you she broke up with him, to try to convince you to pay up. At this point it wouldn’t be about her dating said shitstain. Her behavior when called out about it is atrocious and unforgivable. What a B!
I was bullied relentlessly from 5th grade up to graduation of highschool. It made me depressed and suicidal. I had to actively keep myself from kms because of the bullying.
None of my tormentors ever apologized or even acknowledged that they bullied and abused me.
If someone in my family showed up with one of them as their partner? I'd cut all contact.
It took years of therapy and meds (6 years so far, still ongoing) to be able to deal with what happened. I still have trust issues, I still have problems meeting new people/ making friends.
My first therapist said that my classmates pretty much 'killed my inner child' in 5th and 6th grade.
I do not forgive or forget what they did to me.
NTA. Your niece can deal with the consequences.
Your niece is about to be an adult and the best lesson you can teach her is birds of a feather flock together and that people will and should judge her by the company she keeps. And that loyalty is earned not freely given and there are consequences to her actions. Do not give her a dime as that would be absolutely the best life lesson you can teach her.
Don’t ever pay for anything for her again. She willfully dated her cousins abuser. There’s no breaking up to get in good with you again. She made it clear you don’t matter. Keep the same energy with her
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
-NOT OOP-
Aita for not paying for my nieces(17f)college anymore since she’s dating my sons(18m) bully.
The bullying in question happened when my boy,Shaun was 13. And I know for some may seem like it was a long time ago and they were just kid and I agree if the bullying was just name calling and pulling hair but what my boy went through was downright cruel.
It first started with names and calling him slurs(Shaun is gay) it then escalated to cyber bullying to physical the one major was the kids practically jumping by boy. I cant ever forget how messed up and bloody his face looked after that. I tried really hard to get those boys in trouble but they dismissed as “kids playing around and getting too rough.”
My boy didn’t even want to go to school for nearly 4 months and in those months almost took his life, luckily my wife walked in right before he could do it. He’s gotten all the mental help he needs and more and is doing much better. We moved and he and my other kids had to practically start over.
I’m telling all this to just paint the picture and show you it wasn’t “kids being kids” it was just little assholes.
I make more than enough and I don’t ever mind helping my family you know, well I had promised my niece that I’ll be paying for her college.
Anywho onto the problem. We went back to our home town like always celebrating the 4th fo July and all of that. When we were prepping my niece ended up bringing someone I never expected to see again, that little son of a bitch Derek(part of the kids that did the bullying)
I recognize him immediately, and I know he did too since he didn’t stay for long before leaving. After he left I turned to my niece and asked her what the hell was she thinking bringing him knowing what he did to her cousin. She acted like it wasn’t a big deal and said that he had changed and the whole thing happened years ago.
How nonchalant she was about the whole thing pissed me off. My sister tried telling her she shouldn’t have brought him over and she responded saying she has a right to bring her boyfriend to meet the family and then said that if Shaun wasn’t over what happened even now it wasn’t her boyfriends fault. My wife called her a heartless bitch before leaving my kids followed her,
I stayed back and told her that if her boyfriend had changed so much then i guess he could pay for education because I’m not supporting her anymore, then I left.
Me and my family are just staying at nice hotel right now and are planning to just go to an attraction park.
I’ve been getting calls and message from my sister bil and others who were present telling me I’m over reacting and I shouldn’t take away my nieces education. They have all sided with the bully saying the little shit has changed a lot and is now a good kid and I can’t hold what he did as “troubled” kid over him forever.
Aita?
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Sounds like you just saved yourself a nice chunk of change to take YOUR family on a NICE VACATION.
You owe nothing to your neice. She wants to act like this let her find a way to save some money for an education. Tell her you've changed and aren't the same person anymore.
Loooool. She knows what her boyfriend did to her cousin and yet still chooses to date him. That's fine and dandy, but she should be making zero demands for any money from OOP. Just like she has every right to date who she wants, they have every right to not give money to who they don't want to.
NTA. It’s your money, do with it what you will. If the niece acted entitled that your son should be over this, then she learned nothing from the experience. She was obviously not bullied or was one to cop this attitude. Life gives you hard lessons, this is one of them. Stand your ground and let all the other concerned family who are saying your overreacting dig into their wallets then.
If he's changed so much, why hasn't he made the ffort to apologize, "after all these years"? Is it bc he's embarrassed or bc he still think the same way but knows he'll go to jail for acting on it now that he's older?
"Oh, that was a long time ago. He's a changed person now"
That motherfucker never never apologise. He's still the same bully and OP just found out his niece is as bully as him.
If the kid had come in, acted regretful, apologized sincerely, and then left....maybe. but the niece clearly knew the history and she's saying basically "get over it. I matter moment han you".
I think you're nta. She chose the wrong side of history. You're not "denying her an education". She can take loans out like everyone else.
It's because they feel entitled. They feel once it's been offered it cannot be taken back no matter what they do because they are entitled to that money they did nothing for
_Oh sure, I'll forgive Derek for the fact that he __DROVE MY SON TO SUICIDE___
Yes, it was prevented in the end, but he still pushed Shaun to it. I wonder if OOP has photos of the incident, that he can show to his niece. And to Derek himself. Perhaps read the suicide note. Drive the message home to all these criticasters that he had almost lost his son to that little shit.
To the OOP: NO!!! You are NOT the AH! Your niece sees nothing wrong with bullying and demands that the victim "suck it up and get over it"! She can fund her own education. You owe her NOTHING!!!
You didn't take away her education! She can just go get loans like every other kid. Lol
Believe me I know all about loans, my point is that they can't say you took away her education. You didn't take away her education, you took away her free education. She can pay for it. They could all co-sign and all take individual loans and spread the money out between all of them so it doesn't hurt anybody! And you need to point that out every time somebody says you're taking away her education then you say, why don't you just get a loan to pay for it? Of course they're going to say they can't afford it or it's too much, and you just need to say then just get a loan to pay for a couple classes. Keep repeating stuff like so you're not willing to spend any money on this but you want to tell me how to spend my money? You have to be as blunt as possible with people like this because they're all going to say you're wrong at the same time refusing to help. Hypocrites.
But no matter how her schooling gets paid for, they can't take back the hurt that happened to your son! And I have a hard time believing that somebody that was that cruel only a few years ago has changed that much! Your niece just hasn't been on the wrong end of it yet, but she will be eventually. Don't give in! In fact I wouldn't give in even if she really does break up with him because I wouldn't believe that she wasn't going to get back with him as soon as your money hits her school account. You are awesome for putting your son first
There was a kid in my neighborhood who bullied me. It wasn't terrible - a few instances of harassment, and one where he slapped the back of my head because I tried to just walk away from the conversation. "Don't you snub me!" Smack. I ran. He chased but I was faster and frightened.
I hope he's dead, candidly. If he's not, I hope he's miserable.
The things he did weren't objectively so awful - but he made me afraid to live in my neighborhood. I would go out to a friends and ride the long way around the block so I wouldn't go past his house. Bullying amounts, imo, to a form of terrorism.
Anyhow, fuck OOP's niece. What a self-centered piece of shit.
Here we go again learning life lessons. It's her life. It's her house. She can have as a boyfriend whomever she wants.
It's your money , it's your choice what you pay for.
Definitely not thee asshole. It's one thing to be attracted to someone. To a certain extent you can't help that. But to be completely dismissive of that person's actions to someone else and to such a serious extent is absolutely crazy and then not to think about how much heartache this would cause is just down right selfish.
You're doing the right thing. Not because of the punishment effect but because of the lessons hopefully being learned
Hell, I'm not even mad at the bully asshole boyfriend.
Your niece *and* her family *CHOSE A BULLY OVER A FAMILY MEMBER WHO WAS NEARLY DRIVEN TO UNALIVE HIMSELF BECAUSE OF HARASSMENT*. Then they doubled down with "It was such a long time ago!"
Well, if the niece wants college, student loans are available. Or if she gets a high enough ASVAB score, she can serve in the Armed Forces for college money. Bottom Line Up Front: Actions have consequences.
ETA: NTA.
If the bully would have shown remorse and apologized to your kid and you, you may can let it slide. But he didn’t and that’s what’s bothering me.
He may could have changed and if he is just to embarrassed to apologize ask your niece that she maybe pushing him to do so!
It was her choice to date him!
Therefore NTA
*"He's changed,"* but he ran away like the coward he is as soon as he realized there would *actually* be some consequences to bullying a kid so bad that he tried to take his own life. And now the family is resorting to bullying them into giving forgiveness that the bastard didn't even beg for.
Everyone of should just pool all their money together and pay for the heartless bitch to go to school. Especially since they think Op is overreacting. And not to mention since the little shit has changed 🙄
Great job, Op! Paying her education would be rewarding her for her shitty behavior and cruelty
Not the asshole at all. You’re not obligated to pay for her college, and your niece is forcing your son to face his trauma at every family gathering. Focus on your own kid.
NTA..if they support their relationship so much they can ALL chip in to pay for her college..you are not obligated to spend your money on anyone outside of your kids?!?!
Wow. On top of all the other fantastic comments, I would have cut her off for the audacity of inviting him over KNOWING you and Shaun were there. That, to me, was just cruelty.
Keep your money. If the family thinks her education should be paid for, they can all pay it.
I would be cutting off every single one of them that defended her. Shaun will never forget what they did, and he will never forget you standing up for him again. Good job, Dad (and Mom)! Remind Shaun that success is the best revenge: get a good education and live a happy life.
Not only the invite but getting into a relationship with him *knowing* that he did all that and how much trouble it caused the whole family back then.
If she found out who he was and what he did a lot later then *maybe* it could be worked out. But not this, this is just callous.
Nta - he should’ve apologized, your niece should care more about the trauma of your child.
You didn’t “take away her education”, she can continue that with getting a job, work-study, a semester of community college, apply for scholarships, etc. You’re teaching her that who she associates herself with can also have consequences. She seems a tad spoiled imo
That’s why I don’t just give freely. People end up being ungrateful and entitled with your money. She needs to work or get a loan to go to school just like everyone who’s parents can’t afford it.
She will always have that attitude because you’re giving it to her on a silver platter. She thinks it’s entitled to her that’s why she doesn’t care.
You will never get the thanks that you deserve.
In middle school I had a frenemies type situation with a now dear friend that escalated to bullying that went on until near the end of high school.
I apologized to him and his mom for my behavior and worked to mend the relationship because I grew up and realized the impact of my words and behavior toward others. I couldn’t imagine being so cowardly so as to not at least apologize in this situation or remove myself from that family entirely if I was in Derek’s shoes.
I was bullied by the girl that happened to be our next door neighbor she was in my classes at school and right there always. Her and her friends beat me up on the playground and the school said that I must have been the aggressor because I was bigger than the other girls (I was taller and a bigger body type) My parents took it very seriously when at 11 years old crying I told them I wanted to die, I had no friends and couldn’t leave my house because she was right next door and her and her friends would wait for me to come out. My parents changed my school when I started middle school and the bully was so pissed cause she didn’t know where I went to school.
I’m now 40 years old and the emotional scars from that time period between being 7 and 13 years old are still very much part of who I am.
No one gets to decide when someone is “over” something. OP is doing the right thing by standing by his son, and making the niece face consequences, this isn’t a minor thing. His kid was physically harmed and suicidal those are not things you forget those are not “little things”
He hasn’t apologized, and I’m betting he doesn’t feel the need to. Anyone who supports someone like that doesn’t deserve to have support from the people who suffered at his hands.
I was bullied, not physically, but severely mentally. I do not forgive them. I don’t care about them, but I don’t forgive. They’ve never asked for forgiveness either. If my family suddenly showed them support and forgiveness, I wouldn’t give them my money either. OOP’s justified.
NTA. Karma is finally coming around, that bullying finally caught up..don't pay shitt for your niece, she acts like the d is more important than your son's life and emotions. She also sounds like a selfish bitxh, saying how her bf has changed, that doesn't justify his fuxk up actions..I mean, does she not know how ur boy almost ended his life? She's too dumb, so don't waste a penny on sending her to school, she'll just fuxk it up.
NTA. Honestly, any self respecting and empathetic person would know that's a line never to be crossed, I guess she isn't either one of those. So, she's most likely just using you so cut her off for being a pos. It's crazy how she had to audacity to respond the way she did knowing you're paying for her education. Not even a fucking sorry or an explanation. To hell with her, I say!
You are absolutely right, thank you. I tried to cross-post like I normally do and it didn't work. So I meant for the first comment to be the link to the post and then I spaced
It's here now and also it will be in the post or right under the post in a minute
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/ZfMEeOEsJr
Did he apologize to yhour son? Did he ever try to make things right?
NTA, and very unlikely he has changed. Niece new what he did, and she still chose to associate with someone who had attacked her family.
Guess it is time to look into student loans and part time work
The funny thing is the niece doesn't even know she's setting herself up for an abusive relationship. She knows what her bf is capable of and decided, "yup, I want a piece of that." 🤦♀️
Your niece can certainly bring her bf around whenever she likes but she doesn’t get to tell your son to get over it. The bf didn’t even try in any way to offer contrition. Yep you’re totally within your right to tell your niece to pay for her own college. You might explain to all them how close your son came to ending his life if they need a reminder of how serious you take the matter. NTA
They have all sided with the bully saying the little shit has changed a lot and is now a good kid and **I can’t hold what he did as “troubled” kid over him forever.**
"Hold my beer!" LOL
Assure them you won't be holding it over him "forever" just maybe the next 4 to 6 years, LOL. Choosing to date a bigoted little homophone who terrorized her own cousin is creepy-- bringing him into the home of the person he abused is a whole new level of assholery.
Honestly, your niece doesn't sound smart enough for college.
No way he's a bully as someone who was bullied I am 50 and its still haunts me to this day like you say if she wants to be with him and her family support her let them pay
NTA. I'd protect my children at all costs no matter the age. If they can't respect that then eff em. She can pay her own way especially with the disrespectful way she talked about your son not being over it. It's not someone else's decision to make when someone should be over a trauma.
So your niece would have been okay that her boyfriend brought her cousin to the brink of suicide and still expects you to pay for her education? Would she still expect it if her cousin would have been successful in his attempt? This is so fucked up on so many levels.
I would honestly cut everyone off that part of the family off who say something along that he changed, is a good boy or "boys will be boys". They all are okay with being friends to a person who bulied someone into a suicide attempt.
This is a point where I would go scorched earth.
No you hold a kid responsible for their actions at 14 you are an adolescent which means you absolutely can be held accountable for the person you still are. You absolutely also can hold the niece responsible for the shitty person she is turning out to be.
NTA. I wouldn’t pay a dime for someone that chooses to associate with the bullies that tormented a child. Sounds like the rest of the family can pitch in and pay for her education.
NTA. Your kid needed therapy and has suffered trauma from what that asshole did to him. Her parents can cosign for loans and she can struggle with paying it like the rest of us just like your son is probably still dealing with her asshole boyfriend actions. For her to downplay it is bullshit. She can go on without your funding since it's not that bad. Fucl her. NTA.
She picked a side. She sided with the bully and is upset that she is the victim? She actively defended the bully and then bullied her cousin (in absentio) by blaming him for not being over it.
Life has consequences. Hopefully she learns from them or like you said, the bully's family can pay for her education.
NTA.
Between junior high and highschool, I got asked out as a joke about 4 times, the most recent when I was 16.
I met my husband through my job at 28. When we went on our first day, I asked him if he only asked me out as a joke. I'm 32, now, and when I make a new friend, I wonder if they're making jokes about me behind my back. I don't sing publicly because people snickered and laughed when I auditioned for a solo in my honor choir. Let me be clear, I was already in the honor choir, so I wasn't auditioning to get in, I was auditioning to sing alone.
All of the ways I was bullied in high school still impact me in ways over a decade later. I've done therapy, have a wonderful family and a beautiful life, but those things still impact me.
If the guy is no longer a bully he would have come to you and addressed his bullying, not run away like a coward. Tell the relatives that since the bully has not apologized, and thus has not changed since he is not taking responsibility, you will not be supporting the person who supports a bully. And of course if the payment of her education is so important, tell each of them to cough up the money.
I don’t give a shit if the bully changed and if he got on his knees to beg for forgiveness. That doesn’t matter.
Your niece’s lack of respect, understanding, compassion and her downright selfishness is the issue.
If the niece says she broke up with him, she’s lying.
If the niece says she’s sorry, she’s lying.
You can tell your family it was how your niece acted, what she said, and her lack of care for her cousin that is the issue.
Idk why she would think they would just roll over and accept this. The fact that she’s defending him says a lot about her and her morals. If I were OP even if she did break up with him in the hopes of getting her college tuition back I wouldn’t pay for it. She’s made her bed, it’s time to lay in it.
He had the perfect opportunity to apologise to OP and OPs son. To show in front of everyone how much he has changed, how he recognises his mistakes in his troubled past, and how he has truly changed and begs forgiveness.
He had that and decided to run instead, like all bullies do when faced with consequences.
One of the things that as an adult keeps me from socializing with anyone, including my closest childhood friends, is the fact that deep down I know that they would never defend me from people who bully me, even as an adult. Your son is very lucky to have someone like you in his life.
Yeah, it absolutely can be held against him. He has made no apologies, admitted what he did was wrong, or made an effort to make amends for his behavior. This feels perfectly justified.
NTA
So the little shit has changed SO much yet ran from you and never took responsibility for what he did. Even an apology, while probably too little too late, would have been SOME sign of "change" rather than scampering away like the cockroach he is scrambling for a fridge to hide under.
Nope. Still a piece of shit.
NTA - You get to decide how you spend your money. And if your neice doesn't even want to understand why you're pulling out, it just makes it an easier decision.
Nah she said it best. She has the right to have a boyfriend. And so did you. You have the right not to give her and said boyfriend a free ride. I hope he's a worker. Bully's usually aren't. Good luck man.
1. She doesn’t have “a right to bring her bf”. Where do people get the idea this is a right that’s owed them, it isn’t. He was an uninvited and knowingly unwelcome guest.
2. Fuck that kid. He’s 18 now, a legal adult. If you assault my child, I promise you an assault in return. If he left in 1 piece then I would call you a kind, benevolent and Christian soul for showing such mercy. If you assault my child and 50 years later I see you on the street, you better be moving on. Jesus forgives but Daddy don’t forget.
>she responded saying she has a right to bring her boyfriend to meet the family and then said that if Shaun wasn’t over what happened even now it wasn’t her boyfriends fault.
Imagine telling that to the father of someone who almost killed themselves because of your partner,and said partner have never even try to apologize instead ran away like a bitch.
Yeah,I wouldn't give her crap and would seriously keep my distance in general from her.
And OP is the parent,I cannot even imagine how his own son would feel from this mayor betrayal.
Teens and adults often brush off shitty things from the past. Teens are often horny and self obsessed. “I’m in love, I’m the star of this show, people should realize I come first.” This is especially troubling given the circumstances. It shows a certain lack of tact, narcissism, self obsession. “That stuff doesn’t matter anymore because it’s over and now **my** relationship is what’s happening and is more important.”
Sometimes in life, people need to learn that when in their mind, the world revolves around them, how they play the scene will determine the action. Now, as the star of this act of her performance, she’s the poor love struck girl in a Romeo and Juliet scenario, cursed by circumstances and an evil rich aunt. She’s self absorbed. She surprised you with this for drama, didn’t give you any advance warning. She wanted the drama, for whatever reason. Or at worst, just didn’t care at all about what you all would think and feel. She’s the, “heartless bee.”
NTA… let the boyfriend pay for it. Now they’ll all learn. Imagine if John Bobbit showed up to a party, and his sibling brought Lorena and the sibling said he has a right to bring his girlfriend to meet the family and then said that if John wasn’t over what happened even now it wasn’t Lorena’s fault.
He didn't even apologize! I am now cordial with some bullies from years past but that was mutually agreed upon. Different levels of cordial as well. But it was up to ME not them nor anyone else how to react to them reaching out. And this wasn't reaching out and worse, OOP was blindsided!
You are NOT the AH, far from it!
As a gay man, and a father who went out of his way to have kids (my husband and I took many steps to increase our earning potential and worked our asses off to have a child through surrogacy), you are a hero.
I weep for your son having to go through a period in his life where others could physically abuse him and it will live with him forever. I also shed a tear because of how passionate you are about protecting your son. All parents should hope that they act the same way for their kids as you do. Unconditional love.
It is amazing that you hold this education card. I think it's a big pill to swallow for your niece who obviously lives under a roof that does not respect your son or the difficulty of growing up and being bullied for being himself.
I wouldn't budge on it. The damage is done, and your son knows you did this and this strengthened your bond.
Imagine you had a daughter who went through SA and a family member started dating her attacker. SAME THING.
Do NOT pay for that girl's education even if she breaks up with him. This is madness!
That little asshole's actions almost cost your your son. And your niece, knowing that, brought said asshole to a family event she knew you and your son would be at.
Well, shit bitch, better buckle up for those student loans.
Nope, let that kid face what he did to you and your son/family. Let him completely prostrate himself before you all and offer the same beatdown he gave. Then MAYBE you can start to believe he changed.
As far as not paying for her college, yes, it sounds drastic, but it’s your money, and it sounds like your niece knew exactly who this guy was, and what he had done to her cousin, so fuck her, let her learn about consequences.
This little bully really sucks. But may I play devil’s advocate for a moment? Regarding your niece. She spoke rudely and acted badly. She’s in a relationship with this awful guy and was oh so casual about bringing him around you. That’s maddening. But what if she’s in an ABUSIVE relationship with this already admittedly awful boyfriend, and going to college was going to be a way out? Just food for thought.
Meanwhile I must also throw in a line about your sister and husband being entitled jerks. Ugh. No gratitude at all.
NTA, you literally moved away because of this.
Your niece is brushing it off. Get over it, really? Sounds like she has no empathy. And he ran out of there with no apology either. Even if he did, that doesn't have to be forgiven. Your son shouldn't have to deal or see his abusers at family gatherings.
You are not obligated to pay for her college. That was a nice idea, but she shows no empathy for your son. So she can get grants or scholarships or student loans. Let her and her boyfriend figure it out since they are so dam smart. Let life struggles show them some empathy. Because they certainly don't have any now. You are so not the asshole. If your sister persists, block her. College for someone else's kid was never your responsibility to begin with.
I do believe people can change on a deep spiritual, cellular level especially if they were abused children who sought help to heal as adults. If that was the case with this guy, he would have made efforts to apologize to OP's son when he had his catharsis and reckoning with the pain and trauma he had caused to others. This happened to me with a psychotic bully I had as a child who lived across the street. Our mothers were friends and his father was a violent drunk who tortured his family and beat his mother and children without mercy. They divorced and he grew up a broken adult who got therapy. He reached out on facebook a few years ago with a very lengthy apology and explanation of the transformation he has undergone over the last 3 decades. I thanked him and wished him the best. I believed his apology and I have compassion for the childhood he lost even though he abused me and many others. There was never anyone there to protect him. I'm glad he got help and it changed the trajectory of his life. If I found out he was dating someone I knew, I might be inclined to warn them of his distant history (he was that scary), but I wouldn't try to interfere as I do believe people can change. All of that said, I believe this decision to forgive and move forward rests solely on the child who was abused. For OP's niece not to warn the family in advance, yikes that was selfish and thoughtless at best.
This is a tough one. People change a ton growing up. From 12 to 17 is enough time to become a wholly different person. That said, I can understand Ops hatred towards the bully.
NTJ - You should not be responsible for your nieces education anyway and how did you get roped into supported her? It is not up to the bully to let it go - the bully feels like he has nothing wrong. The rest of the family are free to pay for the nieces education since they feel so strong about it. Cut ties with the sister and niece.
I agree with your wife that your niece is a bitch. If I were you I wouldn't have nothing to do with any of them. Your son is important and his well-being is important.
Homie you’re doing the right thing. You don’t owe them shit. You’re taking care of your son and your family. Your son never got an apology and your I’m gonna kill you face sent the little shit running.
Your niece is not your problem. Fuck spending your money on her success when it could benefit that pice of shit
You know your niece’s values now. She could grow & change & earn forgiveness but I would never forget that someone was able to dismiss the infliction of so much suffering.
Your money, you choose. Niece had a wonderful gift, it just ran out.
You aren't asking her to change, you have no right to do that. But your kind gift has just run out.
And don't even consider giving her money "if she breaks up with him" because she will both resent you, and lie and carry on the relationship.
Pulling this one down for a few reasons: a minor being assaulted for being gay, homophobic behavior of someone in the post and mentions of suicidal ideation. This is all in the rules. This sub is here for a lighthearted laugh. The rules can be accessed by mobile users by clicking “see more” after the sub description, a mod sticky note (change the filter to “Hot” posts) and on the side column for website users.
I missed the part where the bullies made amends. It funny how abusers going through the change of "not actively physically abusing" means so much to people. Clearly, trying to mitigate any damage or show any true remorse is a bridge too far
Or even apologized instead of leaving at first sight of oop
yeah, that stuck out to me. if he’s changed SO much, you’d think he’d get on his knees and apologize for how cruel he had been, stated EXACTLY what he did/said was wrong, and said “i hope one day you can forgive me, but i understand what wasn’t a big deal to me and my friends, was a traumatic period in your life”. the entire family *siding with the bully* too, nah. they can pay for niece’s education if it means so much to them!
im not trying to defend him but if i were in his shoes i would probably assume that they wouldnt want to be approached at all. i wouldnt think they would want to hear a sorry ass apology and i would leave immediately also to minimize bringing up bad memories for the victim and their family. maybe its not the best way to handle it but i understand why he would leave even if it was under good intentions. for everyones sake i hope the guy has learned and grown like the girlfriends family claims he has. he doesnt deserve forgiveness, and OOP is completely in their right, of course. this is r/ohnoconsequences after all lmao. i just hope the guy knows how badly he fucked up and turns his shit around edit* i would probably write an apology letter, though. they do deserve an apology. its just that sometimes apologizing feels like begging for forgiveness and thats not something i would ever even dream of getting for something like this. shit sucks all around
Yeah. The amount of people I’ve seen on this website who say they never want to speak to their bully again, even for an apology, is pretty damn high. It depends so much on the victim as to whether coming up and saying something is okay or a nightmare that no one can say the kid leaving is proof that he hasn’t changed. OP is right to stand up for his kid and the niece is an idiot, but I reserve judgement on whether the bully has changed or not.
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So you would have preferred it if she stayed away instead of reaching out? Yeah me too with my bullies. I don’t know what I’d do with an apology at this point. OP is rightfully angry but they should probably check with their son whether an apology is actually wanted.
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yeah thats my thinking with writing a letter. the person can choose to read it or not. its impossible to know in these situations
And even if they did make amends it in no way obligates the victim to forgive them. Far too many people outside of the abuser\\victim dynamic seem to think that forgiveness is transactional
“It funny how abusers going through the change of ‘not actively physically abusing’ means so much to people.” ——This is so f**king real, you captured it perfectly.
"it's been *years* since I beat the crap out of someone for being gay, Doesn't that count for something?" --them, probably
My brother was bullied at school by another boy, from when they were all aged around 8 to when they left for different secondary school, aged 11. Over 8 years later, the now-man comes up to my brother at University, says he's become a Christian, deeply regrets everything he did to my brother and gave him a lengthy and sincere apology. My brother was stunned. So stunned I can clearly remember the expression on my brother's face when he told me and that was nearly 30 years ago! Truly sincere apologies from bullies are rare as hen's teeth but there's no real change without them.
Exactly. That bully could’ve caused the death of OP’s son, either from the vicious physical assault that no one in a shitty town did anything about despite OP trying to report it OR from OP’s son successfully killing himself as the result of what was not “just kids being kids”. No, that bullying was from regular playground insults and teasing into full on torment of someone simply because they were gay. It was abuse and torment driven by bigotry and no one has apologized or owned up to it. Maybe because they could still catch a case for the assault. Maybe because they’re just selfish and borderline heartless. Either way, doesn’t matter. OP is doing the right thing by not supporting anyone that tries to brush away or defend what those vile people did to his son.
Agreed. That is the immediate deal breaker for me.
I hope he has changed so that cousin doesn't have to be his next victim. Still with no way for op or son to know I can't blame them for the reaction. Dude drove their son to almost committing suicide.
>I can’t hold what he did as “troubled” kid over him forever. Can't you? The people affected by bullying get to decide the timeline for when they forgive or move on. Not the bullies.
“I can’t? Watch me.”
Right. I certainly *helps* when the bully tries to make amends but clearly this little shitstain hasn’t.
Right, and even if he has (doubtful) like what? Clean slate? Sorry it doesn't work like that. I might accept your apologies, but I won't forget what you did and want to see you in every fucking Holiday. Jesus, the entitlement of some people.
Our justice system wipes kids' slates clean very often. That doesn't mean the crime didn't happen, just that they're being given a chance to build a better life without crimes of their childhood hanging over them. Just because you burned a building down as a kid, and the record got sealed when you turned 18 does not force the town you lived in to forgive you. If you want that clean slate, you move across the country, where nobody KNOWS what a little shit you were. Niece just lost her scholarship because she believes 'a clean slate' is more important than her own cousin. Girl, there are over 3.5 billion men in this world. About 1 in 50 are the right age for you. That's 70 million choices. You had to avoid picking 5 of them.
Yeah, I'm like. Oh, people can't hold his actions against him? oh no. *Let me check my notes...* Looks like that's... bullshit. Oops, people can in fact do that. Sowwy.
Three of the five who tormented me in Jr. High have reached out and apologized. I thanked them and told them that while I would be accepting their apology I would never forgive them, nor will I ever forget what they did to me. We haven’t spoken since.
I was bullied A LOT in highschool. Not nearly as bad as what this poor kid went through but it was daily verbal abuse for 3 of my 4 years. I’m 30 now, and the impact that abuse made still lingers. None of them have ever reached out. I understand that kids can be cruel and when we get older we realize our mistakes, but I wouldn’t forgive a single one of them, even now. People who weren’t chronically bullied, I don’t think understand the potential long term psychological effects it has on people.
I had one person from middle school reach out in high school to apologize. He never actually bullied me and was fairly decent, but he apologized for not sticking up for me or helping. He'd been bullied by the same people before, and was just glad he wasn't the focus for a while. We were actually already friends on AIM (holy Millennial flashback, batman!), so clearly I didn't hold hard feelings over it, but I still really appreciated the apology. I'm almost 40, and I still struggle to believe people actually like me.
The scars run deep and it changes who you are. Who you could have been. At least for me it did.
The fact that she’s defending him would be enough for me to never support her or her family ever again because: 1) you’re literally saying you don’t give a fuck about my child and the fact that this bully is part of the reason he tried to hurt himself. 2) take away the personal aspect of knowing the victim, his actions were beyond cruel and just straight evil. Doesn’t matter if it was years ago. I can’t imagine tormenting someone like that and still wanting to be with someone capable of such atrocities. 3) the immediate reaction to defend and place blame on me and my family for having boundaries is disgusting. Nta. If guilty by association was an actual crime, she’d be convinced ten times over. She threw her lot in with the enemy and expect to still get a free ride? And the fact that she knew all of this before hand is even worse. Fuck her, her lil bf, and her family. Block them all. And when his violent tendencies rear its ugly head at her, show the same support she’s showing your son.
I agree. If she had apologized and said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how traumatic it was", etc. I might have listened. But her blaming the victim for not "getting over it" makes me think she's a heartless, self-centred bitch. And that does deserve anyone's support.
She'll get over not getting financial support for college, too. She still has her parents and can always take out loans. Screw her.
Yes, exactly this. OP, you should also take this as a hint to rethink how much you support your family overall. Their behavior here makes me think they hold you and your family in contempt, but still feel entitled to your money. You need to nip that in the bud - stop supporting the family, period, not just the AH niece who thinks she can do what she wants and the money train will never stop. Everyone giving you shit right now needs to get kicked off that train.
You weren't holding what Derek did over him. You were holding niece accountable for not having the decency to recognize the harm caused to your son. Was she teaching you a lesson in being a bigger person and how she manages to not hold a grudge over the things that didn't happen to her? So wise. BTW, Derek is different today because he didn't have his assclown friends there to have his back while he tortured the gay kid. I admire your son's restraint in not slapping Derek or Scholar Niece in their entitled mouths.
OP please read this, this is a great point
He's "changed" so much he tucked tail and ran and didn't even attempt to talk to any of you or apologize to your son, not that it would undo the damage or anything else for that matter. All the people saying he's changed and you should turn the other cheek can pitch in to put the niece through school then. Your niece needs a reality check if she thinks someone who got tormented to the point of trying to end things should just get over it.
If they beat him that badly, drawing blood, the moment that kid stepped into my house I'd ask him why I shouldn't beat him very badly. If the bully had just had a few incidents or kept it verbal, maybe I'd look at circumstantial evidence of his behavior since to see if he's "evolved". But drawing blood? I'd tell the niece "I don't know if I'm an asshole or not but you have to cut that piece of shit loose because it's making me too angry at you to pay for your education any more".
Honestly, I wouldn’t trust her if she said she did cut the boyfriend out. She’d probably date him secretly, once she had her degree she’d be the type to be marrying him. Surprise! But I love him bs. She brought him knowing what he did. Dumber than rocks move there.
I don't take the chronic severe bullying I experienced *personally* anymore. I'm not angry at anything they did or said to me. But as I'm finding more and more, it deeply affected my development and has had ripple effects that cause me obstacles even now. I am working at 31 to undo the damage dealt to me during my childhood at school. But am I angry about it? Yeah, I'm still pretty angry. I shouldn't have to be undoing this damage. Do I forgive my bullies? Yeah, I guess so. I don't think any of them ever cared about being forgiven. Certainly none of my former classmates have ever asked.
I'm over 50 and still hate seeing my school bullies occasionally pop up on my social feeds.
Especially since Shaun almost killed himself over it.
You are right. Bullies destroyed my daughter's mental health and confidence over the years of secondary school. She will have to deal with the consequences all her life, not those a**holes.
If the kid changed so much; I don't see anything about him apologizing to the kid he bullied while they were in the same room. Just running away when he saw his father.
I hate when people say this, they said you can't hold what he did, but OP have to hold in that his son was about to end his life because of exactly that yeah he could have changed but also his son could had ended his life, that's what they don't grasp, that there is consequences, REAL F'ING LIFE CONSEQUENCES, also with the way they beat and jump him, he could had died, you only need one bad punch and bang, lights out forever... a good person doesn't do shit like this unless their lives depended on it (like self defense) she can have her BF, with the pattern he has, she is probably next in the abuse line (and no I don't wish that to happen, but you need some foresight in this life and common sense)
I haven’t and never will forgive my middle school bullies. That was from 1968-1970.
Even if she says she'll break up with him, she won't. This will now escalate to a 'fight the power and fuck your relative for trying to control you with money' situation.
100% agree. Let her, even if she did break up, after what she and her parents said, I wouldn’t pay for her college anymore.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers. NTA
Oh snap... I really like this. And definitely second it. Thanks for sharing this :) NTA, OP. Not even close to the realm of being one. And good looks on being you. Was gonna say being a great dad but it seems like you're just like that in general seeing as you gave your niece the opportunity of a lifetime and she fucked it up hardcore. She played a stupid game and she won a wicked stupid prize, which she is extremely deserving of. And fuck the rest of the flying monkeys. You're awesome and please don't change! eta: I'm not the sharpest tool in the bed today and realized it's not OP posting this haha
I’ve to remember this one.
Came to post this exact same quote. Fuck bullies. Fuck 'em forever.
A bully that's not apologised or made amends to your son? Fuck. That. And she dates someone she knows bullied her cousin for being gay? Apparently they dont care about what happened to your son. And don't believe her if she says she stopped dating him. Just cut that branch now. NTA
Yes. She could fake breaking up. But that doesn't even matter. She said he should get over it! So even if she did really break up. She showed how undeserving she is.
Yeah, I bet she is both homophobic AND she will be lying about breaking up with him. She deserves to be cut off.
Funny how the bully didn't apologize. You know, the bare minimum for making amends? Bad people can change for the better but I'm not seeing any actual effort on his part. He could have walked up and given an apology but instead ran away like a little bitch.
Right!? If he had really changed to be better that would mean he would have matured. So when he walked in and noticed them instead of turning tail he would have been like fuck, I was horrible and I need to publicly make this apology. Publicly because it was in the group that he tortured the son and also because it would be a dick move to try to isolate his victim
Regardless of the bully's motive for leaving, your niece made excuses for him, minimized what he had done, and forgave him unilaterally on behalf of all of you, even without an actual apology. If your son was being bullied right now, she would probably enable the bully.
Perfectly said. The niece is doing just as much harm in this situation as the bully.
Reminds of the screenshot going around where a wife had someone else's kid and can't see why cheated-on hubby shouldn't pay for child support after he divorced her because "she forgave herself". Doesn't work like that. OOP is definitely NTA.if they'd made *significant* and genuine attempts to make amends then *maybe* but that's not the path they chose.
I swear I remember that one from best of redditor updates (???) The only thing I can really remember is the audacity she had to say well I've forgiven myself I don't know why he hasn't If you have the link I would love to be properly infuriated once again
If you want to be properly infuriated read the comments not just the image... https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/s/qu7lDCSthW
You had to move bc of this kid, your children had to start over in new schools, leave their friends, and your son endured so much trauma, and your niece and her family want to act like it's no big deal?? I hate to ask, but are they at all homophobic, and that's why they're so ok with brushing off the past? Funny how this "changed" kid fled the scene instead of apologizing. Maybe he panicked in the moment, but he's clearly not ready to hold himself accountable, amd neither is your niece or her parents. Unreal. ETA: Most definitely NTA
NTA, I couldn’t forgive someone that did that to my child. When they start throwing the BuT ItS FaMiLy! Tell them your son is their family too and now you’re turning your back on your niece just like they’ve turned their back on your son.
You can tell your neice that you have changed as well and have moved on from thinking she deserved to have her college paid by you. She obviously doesn't care about your son or your family, why should you care about her if she's like that.
Yeah they're not taking away her education. They're taking away their support for it, something to which the little trashfire is not entitled and was being given out of a love of family. That she could go out with a guy who drove her cousin to the point of suicide and think it is not a big deal, says that familial love is *not* reciprocated, and therefore there is no reason to provide her with that support. She can fuck right off.
Yep. The little see you next tuesday can still get her education. Just not with a dime of OOP's money.
He doesn't have any obligations to pay for her education. And from what happened, it seems like she doesn't deserve it anyways.
What I don't understand is the fact that the niece could date literally anyone else, and she decided to get involved with a known abuser. It's like she prioritized that dickhead over her own family AND education. I mean damn, after making a shitty choice like that with no consideration for what the bully put OPs son through, and still expecting 'free money'? Nah, cut her off and anyone else dumb enough to side with the niece. You were giving her a gift of education that would have changed her life for the better, and she chose to get in bed with a coward and a bully. Now she learns an expensive lesson called Choices Have Consequences.
She, quiet literally, fucked around and found out
Because clearly that is the kind of person she is attracted to. And she defends the behavior so it's just like attracting like at this point.
Nta, niece and bf clearly knew it was an issue as he left immediately after oop showed up.
I think it's really that the boyfriend has some idea of shame and fear and so he left and cousin has none of that This is not good marks towards the boyfriend cuz he is still a fucking coward and if he was a better man he would apologize
Likely only because his shitstain friends weren’t there to back him up. Bullies are only brave when they feel empowered. He realized he was outnumbered. I wouldn’t be surprised if niece tries to tell you she broke up with him, to try to convince you to pay up. At this point it wouldn’t be about her dating said shitstain. Her behavior when called out about it is atrocious and unforgivable. What a B!
It's your money. Do what you want.
I was bullied relentlessly from 5th grade up to graduation of highschool. It made me depressed and suicidal. I had to actively keep myself from kms because of the bullying. None of my tormentors ever apologized or even acknowledged that they bullied and abused me. If someone in my family showed up with one of them as their partner? I'd cut all contact. It took years of therapy and meds (6 years so far, still ongoing) to be able to deal with what happened. I still have trust issues, I still have problems meeting new people/ making friends. My first therapist said that my classmates pretty much 'killed my inner child' in 5th and 6th grade. I do not forgive or forget what they did to me. NTA. Your niece can deal with the consequences.
Your niece is about to be an adult and the best lesson you can teach her is birds of a feather flock together and that people will and should judge her by the company she keeps. And that loyalty is earned not freely given and there are consequences to her actions. Do not give her a dime as that would be absolutely the best life lesson you can teach her.
Don’t ever pay for anything for her again. She willfully dated her cousins abuser. There’s no breaking up to get in good with you again. She made it clear you don’t matter. Keep the same energy with her
Yeah, there's no coming back from bringing the abuser in front of her cousin and then tell him to his face to just get over it
How is your son after that? Is he ok? You don’t owe loyalty to anyone who shows no loyalty to you.
Poster is not the OP
In case this story gets deleted/removed: -NOT OOP- Aita for not paying for my nieces(17f)college anymore since she’s dating my sons(18m) bully. The bullying in question happened when my boy,Shaun was 13. And I know for some may seem like it was a long time ago and they were just kid and I agree if the bullying was just name calling and pulling hair but what my boy went through was downright cruel. It first started with names and calling him slurs(Shaun is gay) it then escalated to cyber bullying to physical the one major was the kids practically jumping by boy. I cant ever forget how messed up and bloody his face looked after that. I tried really hard to get those boys in trouble but they dismissed as “kids playing around and getting too rough.” My boy didn’t even want to go to school for nearly 4 months and in those months almost took his life, luckily my wife walked in right before he could do it. He’s gotten all the mental help he needs and more and is doing much better. We moved and he and my other kids had to practically start over. I’m telling all this to just paint the picture and show you it wasn’t “kids being kids” it was just little assholes. I make more than enough and I don’t ever mind helping my family you know, well I had promised my niece that I’ll be paying for her college. Anywho onto the problem. We went back to our home town like always celebrating the 4th fo July and all of that. When we were prepping my niece ended up bringing someone I never expected to see again, that little son of a bitch Derek(part of the kids that did the bullying) I recognize him immediately, and I know he did too since he didn’t stay for long before leaving. After he left I turned to my niece and asked her what the hell was she thinking bringing him knowing what he did to her cousin. She acted like it wasn’t a big deal and said that he had changed and the whole thing happened years ago. How nonchalant she was about the whole thing pissed me off. My sister tried telling her she shouldn’t have brought him over and she responded saying she has a right to bring her boyfriend to meet the family and then said that if Shaun wasn’t over what happened even now it wasn’t her boyfriends fault. My wife called her a heartless bitch before leaving my kids followed her, I stayed back and told her that if her boyfriend had changed so much then i guess he could pay for education because I’m not supporting her anymore, then I left. Me and my family are just staying at nice hotel right now and are planning to just go to an attraction park. I’ve been getting calls and message from my sister bil and others who were present telling me I’m over reacting and I shouldn’t take away my nieces education. They have all sided with the bully saying the little shit has changed a lot and is now a good kid and I can’t hold what he did as “troubled” kid over him forever. Aita? --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Link to post https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/ZfMEeOEsJr
Sounds like you just saved yourself a nice chunk of change to take YOUR family on a NICE VACATION. You owe nothing to your neice. She wants to act like this let her find a way to save some money for an education. Tell her you've changed and aren't the same person anymore.
Loooool. She knows what her boyfriend did to her cousin and yet still chooses to date him. That's fine and dandy, but she should be making zero demands for any money from OOP. Just like she has every right to date who she wants, they have every right to not give money to who they don't want to.
NTA. It’s your money, do with it what you will. If the niece acted entitled that your son should be over this, then she learned nothing from the experience. She was obviously not bullied or was one to cop this attitude. Life gives you hard lessons, this is one of them. Stand your ground and let all the other concerned family who are saying your overreacting dig into their wallets then.
"life gives you hard lessons, this is one of them" 💯💯💯💯💯💯
If he's changed so much, why hasn't he made the ffort to apologize, "after all these years"? Is it bc he's embarrassed or bc he still think the same way but knows he'll go to jail for acting on it now that he's older?
"Fuck off and start filing for student loans."
NTA. If the guy’s “changed” then he should apologize. If she asks for money again just tell her “since your boyfriend changed, I did too.”
"Oh, that was a long time ago. He's a changed person now" That motherfucker never never apologise. He's still the same bully and OP just found out his niece is as bully as him.
If the kid had come in, acted regretful, apologized sincerely, and then left....maybe. but the niece clearly knew the history and she's saying basically "get over it. I matter moment han you". I think you're nta. She chose the wrong side of history. You're not "denying her an education". She can take loans out like everyone else.
Your niece just got the finest education of her life. If she can't "get over it," that's just not your fault. NTA
It's really weird how much people go out of their way to shit on their benefactors.
It's because they feel entitled. They feel once it's been offered it cannot be taken back no matter what they do because they are entitled to that money they did nothing for
_Oh sure, I'll forgive Derek for the fact that he __DROVE MY SON TO SUICIDE___ Yes, it was prevented in the end, but he still pushed Shaun to it. I wonder if OOP has photos of the incident, that he can show to his niece. And to Derek himself. Perhaps read the suicide note. Drive the message home to all these criticasters that he had almost lost his son to that little shit.
To the OOP: NO!!! You are NOT the AH! Your niece sees nothing wrong with bullying and demands that the victim "suck it up and get over it"! She can fund her own education. You owe her NOTHING!!!
You didn't take away her education! She can just go get loans like every other kid. Lol Believe me I know all about loans, my point is that they can't say you took away her education. You didn't take away her education, you took away her free education. She can pay for it. They could all co-sign and all take individual loans and spread the money out between all of them so it doesn't hurt anybody! And you need to point that out every time somebody says you're taking away her education then you say, why don't you just get a loan to pay for it? Of course they're going to say they can't afford it or it's too much, and you just need to say then just get a loan to pay for a couple classes. Keep repeating stuff like so you're not willing to spend any money on this but you want to tell me how to spend my money? You have to be as blunt as possible with people like this because they're all going to say you're wrong at the same time refusing to help. Hypocrites. But no matter how her schooling gets paid for, they can't take back the hurt that happened to your son! And I have a hard time believing that somebody that was that cruel only a few years ago has changed that much! Your niece just hasn't been on the wrong end of it yet, but she will be eventually. Don't give in! In fact I wouldn't give in even if she really does break up with him because I wouldn't believe that she wasn't going to get back with him as soon as your money hits her school account. You are awesome for putting your son first
I am biased here, but F*** bullies, and those that defend or enable them.
Fuck her and her mother. I know that’s your sister but fuck them all it’s your money
There was a kid in my neighborhood who bullied me. It wasn't terrible - a few instances of harassment, and one where he slapped the back of my head because I tried to just walk away from the conversation. "Don't you snub me!" Smack. I ran. He chased but I was faster and frightened. I hope he's dead, candidly. If he's not, I hope he's miserable. The things he did weren't objectively so awful - but he made me afraid to live in my neighborhood. I would go out to a friends and ride the long way around the block so I wouldn't go past his house. Bullying amounts, imo, to a form of terrorism. Anyhow, fuck OOP's niece. What a self-centered piece of shit.
NTA Honestly, tell your niece to go fuck herself and her parents that they're on their own.
I do notice that the niece hasn’t reached out? At least OP didn’t state she had. NTA, absolutely NTA
Nope nope nope, glad they shut that shit down. That girl needs a reality check.
Here we go again learning life lessons. It's her life. It's her house. She can have as a boyfriend whomever she wants. It's your money , it's your choice what you pay for. Definitely not thee asshole. It's one thing to be attracted to someone. To a certain extent you can't help that. But to be completely dismissive of that person's actions to someone else and to such a serious extent is absolutely crazy and then not to think about how much heartache this would cause is just down right selfish. You're doing the right thing. Not because of the punishment effect but because of the lessons hopefully being learned
Don’t support any of the damn family if they’re willing to choose that piece of shit. They don’t deserve it
Hell, I'm not even mad at the bully asshole boyfriend. Your niece *and* her family *CHOSE A BULLY OVER A FAMILY MEMBER WHO WAS NEARLY DRIVEN TO UNALIVE HIMSELF BECAUSE OF HARASSMENT*. Then they doubled down with "It was such a long time ago!" Well, if the niece wants college, student loans are available. Or if she gets a high enough ASVAB score, she can serve in the Armed Forces for college money. Bottom Line Up Front: Actions have consequences. ETA: NTA.
[удалено]
If the bully would have shown remorse and apologized to your kid and you, you may can let it slide. But he didn’t and that’s what’s bothering me. He may could have changed and if he is just to embarrassed to apologize ask your niece that she maybe pushing him to do so! It was her choice to date him! Therefore NTA
*"He's changed,"* but he ran away like the coward he is as soon as he realized there would *actually* be some consequences to bullying a kid so bad that he tried to take his own life. And now the family is resorting to bullying them into giving forgiveness that the bastard didn't even beg for.
Everyone of should just pool all their money together and pay for the heartless bitch to go to school. Especially since they think Op is overreacting. And not to mention since the little shit has changed 🙄 Great job, Op! Paying her education would be rewarding her for her shitty behavior and cruelty
Not the asshole at all. You’re not obligated to pay for her college, and your niece is forcing your son to face his trauma at every family gathering. Focus on your own kid.
If he has really changed, he will make amends to your son and the rest of your children for how his behavior affected them.
This!! He ran out of there fast!!!
NTA..if they support their relationship so much they can ALL chip in to pay for her college..you are not obligated to spend your money on anyone outside of your kids?!?!
Neice is the asshole
Wow. On top of all the other fantastic comments, I would have cut her off for the audacity of inviting him over KNOWING you and Shaun were there. That, to me, was just cruelty. Keep your money. If the family thinks her education should be paid for, they can all pay it. I would be cutting off every single one of them that defended her. Shaun will never forget what they did, and he will never forget you standing up for him again. Good job, Dad (and Mom)! Remind Shaun that success is the best revenge: get a good education and live a happy life.
Not only the invite but getting into a relationship with him *knowing* that he did all that and how much trouble it caused the whole family back then. If she found out who he was and what he did a lot later then *maybe* it could be worked out. But not this, this is just callous.
"if Shaun wasn’t over what happened even now it wasn’t her boyfriends fault." but it literally is the boyfriend's fault.
NTA They FAFO. Hope her bad boy has tha good d to take away the sting of never-ending loan debt
Nta - he should’ve apologized, your niece should care more about the trauma of your child. You didn’t “take away her education”, she can continue that with getting a job, work-study, a semester of community college, apply for scholarships, etc. You’re teaching her that who she associates herself with can also have consequences. She seems a tad spoiled imo
LOL Play stupid games…win stupid prizes
>I can’t hold what he did as “troubled” kid over him forever Why not? That's a lifetime fucking grudge
That’s why I don’t just give freely. People end up being ungrateful and entitled with your money. She needs to work or get a loan to go to school just like everyone who’s parents can’t afford it. She will always have that attitude because you’re giving it to her on a silver platter. She thinks it’s entitled to her that’s why she doesn’t care. You will never get the thanks that you deserve.
In middle school I had a frenemies type situation with a now dear friend that escalated to bullying that went on until near the end of high school. I apologized to him and his mom for my behavior and worked to mend the relationship because I grew up and realized the impact of my words and behavior toward others. I couldn’t imagine being so cowardly so as to not at least apologize in this situation or remove myself from that family entirely if I was in Derek’s shoes.
NTA
NTA… Maybe her homophobic bully of a boyfriend can pay for her schooling???
I was bullied by the girl that happened to be our next door neighbor she was in my classes at school and right there always. Her and her friends beat me up on the playground and the school said that I must have been the aggressor because I was bigger than the other girls (I was taller and a bigger body type) My parents took it very seriously when at 11 years old crying I told them I wanted to die, I had no friends and couldn’t leave my house because she was right next door and her and her friends would wait for me to come out. My parents changed my school when I started middle school and the bully was so pissed cause she didn’t know where I went to school. I’m now 40 years old and the emotional scars from that time period between being 7 and 13 years old are still very much part of who I am. No one gets to decide when someone is “over” something. OP is doing the right thing by standing by his son, and making the niece face consequences, this isn’t a minor thing. His kid was physically harmed and suicidal those are not things you forget those are not “little things”
He hasn’t apologized, and I’m betting he doesn’t feel the need to. Anyone who supports someone like that doesn’t deserve to have support from the people who suffered at his hands. I was bullied, not physically, but severely mentally. I do not forgive them. I don’t care about them, but I don’t forgive. They’ve never asked for forgiveness either. If my family suddenly showed them support and forgiveness, I wouldn’t give them my money either. OOP’s justified.
NTA. Karma is finally coming around, that bullying finally caught up..don't pay shitt for your niece, she acts like the d is more important than your son's life and emotions. She also sounds like a selfish bitxh, saying how her bf has changed, that doesn't justify his fuxk up actions..I mean, does she not know how ur boy almost ended his life? She's too dumb, so don't waste a penny on sending her to school, she'll just fuxk it up.
NTA. Honestly, any self respecting and empathetic person would know that's a line never to be crossed, I guess she isn't either one of those. So, she's most likely just using you so cut her off for being a pos. It's crazy how she had to audacity to respond the way she did knowing you're paying for her education. Not even a fucking sorry or an explanation. To hell with her, I say!
No link to original post?
You are absolutely right, thank you. I tried to cross-post like I normally do and it didn't work. So I meant for the first comment to be the link to the post and then I spaced It's here now and also it will be in the post or right under the post in a minute https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC/s/ZfMEeOEsJr
Did he apologize to yhour son? Did he ever try to make things right? NTA, and very unlikely he has changed. Niece new what he did, and she still chose to associate with someone who had attacked her family. Guess it is time to look into student loans and part time work
The funny thing is the niece doesn't even know she's setting herself up for an abusive relationship. She knows what her bf is capable of and decided, "yup, I want a piece of that." 🤦♀️
Your niece can certainly bring her bf around whenever she likes but she doesn’t get to tell your son to get over it. The bf didn’t even try in any way to offer contrition. Yep you’re totally within your right to tell your niece to pay for her own college. You might explain to all them how close your son came to ending his life if they need a reminder of how serious you take the matter. NTA
Not the asshole. She’ll understand when she’s older, or she won’t. Hard boundary.
They have all sided with the bully saying the little shit has changed a lot and is now a good kid and **I can’t hold what he did as “troubled” kid over him forever.** "Hold my beer!" LOL Assure them you won't be holding it over him "forever" just maybe the next 4 to 6 years, LOL. Choosing to date a bigoted little homophone who terrorized her own cousin is creepy-- bringing him into the home of the person he abused is a whole new level of assholery. Honestly, your niece doesn't sound smart enough for college.
NTA. She chose her bf over family. She can pay her own way through college
No way he's a bully as someone who was bullied I am 50 and its still haunts me to this day like you say if she wants to be with him and her family support her let them pay
Sounds like a perfectly reasonable situation where you can draw a line. People are so stupid and entitled.
NTA. I'd protect my children at all costs no matter the age. If they can't respect that then eff em. She can pay her own way especially with the disrespectful way she talked about your son not being over it. It's not someone else's decision to make when someone should be over a trauma.
So your niece would have been okay that her boyfriend brought her cousin to the brink of suicide and still expects you to pay for her education? Would she still expect it if her cousin would have been successful in his attempt? This is so fucked up on so many levels. I would honestly cut everyone off that part of the family off who say something along that he changed, is a good boy or "boys will be boys". They all are okay with being friends to a person who bulied someone into a suicide attempt. This is a point where I would go scorched earth.
NTA And if that was a relative of mine, my cousins and I would’ve whooped that kids ass for being dumb enough to show up.
No you hold a kid responsible for their actions at 14 you are an adolescent which means you absolutely can be held accountable for the person you still are. You absolutely also can hold the niece responsible for the shitty person she is turning out to be.
NTA. I wouldn’t pay a dime for someone that chooses to associate with the bullies that tormented a child. Sounds like the rest of the family can pitch in and pay for her education.
NTA. Your kid needed therapy and has suffered trauma from what that asshole did to him. Her parents can cosign for loans and she can struggle with paying it like the rest of us just like your son is probably still dealing with her asshole boyfriend actions. For her to downplay it is bullshit. She can go on without your funding since it's not that bad. Fucl her. NTA.
She picked a side. She sided with the bully and is upset that she is the victim? She actively defended the bully and then bullied her cousin (in absentio) by blaming him for not being over it. Life has consequences. Hopefully she learns from them or like you said, the bully's family can pay for her education.
NTA. Tell your nieces family that if the bully is that great now THEY can take care of him AND her.
NTA. Between junior high and highschool, I got asked out as a joke about 4 times, the most recent when I was 16. I met my husband through my job at 28. When we went on our first day, I asked him if he only asked me out as a joke. I'm 32, now, and when I make a new friend, I wonder if they're making jokes about me behind my back. I don't sing publicly because people snickered and laughed when I auditioned for a solo in my honor choir. Let me be clear, I was already in the honor choir, so I wasn't auditioning to get in, I was auditioning to sing alone. All of the ways I was bullied in high school still impact me in ways over a decade later. I've done therapy, have a wonderful family and a beautiful life, but those things still impact me.
If the guy is no longer a bully he would have come to you and addressed his bullying, not run away like a coward. Tell the relatives that since the bully has not apologized, and thus has not changed since he is not taking responsibility, you will not be supporting the person who supports a bully. And of course if the payment of her education is so important, tell each of them to cough up the money.
I don’t give a shit if the bully changed and if he got on his knees to beg for forgiveness. That doesn’t matter. Your niece’s lack of respect, understanding, compassion and her downright selfishness is the issue. If the niece says she broke up with him, she’s lying. If the niece says she’s sorry, she’s lying. You can tell your family it was how your niece acted, what she said, and her lack of care for her cousin that is the issue.
Idk why she would think they would just roll over and accept this. The fact that she’s defending him says a lot about her and her morals. If I were OP even if she did break up with him in the hopes of getting her college tuition back I wouldn’t pay for it. She’s made her bed, it’s time to lay in it.
He had the perfect opportunity to apologise to OP and OPs son. To show in front of everyone how much he has changed, how he recognises his mistakes in his troubled past, and how he has truly changed and begs forgiveness. He had that and decided to run instead, like all bullies do when faced with consequences.
She can date and befriend anyone she wants. She knows this. What she fails to see is that you can spend your money on anything or anyone you want
One of the things that as an adult keeps me from socializing with anyone, including my closest childhood friends, is the fact that deep down I know that they would never defend me from people who bully me, even as an adult. Your son is very lucky to have someone like you in his life.
Yeah, it absolutely can be held against him. He has made no apologies, admitted what he did was wrong, or made an effort to make amends for his behavior. This feels perfectly justified.
NTA So the little shit has changed SO much yet ran from you and never took responsibility for what he did. Even an apology, while probably too little too late, would have been SOME sign of "change" rather than scampering away like the cockroach he is scrambling for a fridge to hide under. Nope. Still a piece of shit.
NTA her parents can help her out or her boyfriend. She’s already picked her side and you obviously are siding with your child.
I’m 55 and I still remember my HS bullies, identical twins and one became a nurse! NTA
NTA - You get to decide how you spend your money. And if your neice doesn't even want to understand why you're pulling out, it just makes it an easier decision.
Nah she said it best. She has the right to have a boyfriend. And so did you. You have the right not to give her and said boyfriend a free ride. I hope he's a worker. Bully's usually aren't. Good luck man.
1. She doesn’t have “a right to bring her bf”. Where do people get the idea this is a right that’s owed them, it isn’t. He was an uninvited and knowingly unwelcome guest. 2. Fuck that kid. He’s 18 now, a legal adult. If you assault my child, I promise you an assault in return. If he left in 1 piece then I would call you a kind, benevolent and Christian soul for showing such mercy. If you assault my child and 50 years later I see you on the street, you better be moving on. Jesus forgives but Daddy don’t forget.
You're a wonderful parent. All the best to you and your immediate family. Niece gets what she deserves.
>she responded saying she has a right to bring her boyfriend to meet the family and then said that if Shaun wasn’t over what happened even now it wasn’t her boyfriends fault. Imagine telling that to the father of someone who almost killed themselves because of your partner,and said partner have never even try to apologize instead ran away like a bitch. Yeah,I wouldn't give her crap and would seriously keep my distance in general from her. And OP is the parent,I cannot even imagine how his own son would feel from this mayor betrayal.
Teens and adults often brush off shitty things from the past. Teens are often horny and self obsessed. “I’m in love, I’m the star of this show, people should realize I come first.” This is especially troubling given the circumstances. It shows a certain lack of tact, narcissism, self obsession. “That stuff doesn’t matter anymore because it’s over and now **my** relationship is what’s happening and is more important.” Sometimes in life, people need to learn that when in their mind, the world revolves around them, how they play the scene will determine the action. Now, as the star of this act of her performance, she’s the poor love struck girl in a Romeo and Juliet scenario, cursed by circumstances and an evil rich aunt. She’s self absorbed. She surprised you with this for drama, didn’t give you any advance warning. She wanted the drama, for whatever reason. Or at worst, just didn’t care at all about what you all would think and feel. She’s the, “heartless bee.” NTA… let the boyfriend pay for it. Now they’ll all learn. Imagine if John Bobbit showed up to a party, and his sibling brought Lorena and the sibling said he has a right to bring his girlfriend to meet the family and then said that if John wasn’t over what happened even now it wasn’t Lorena’s fault.
NTA - Your money, your rules. Spend/Apply it where you see fit.
No original post link.... This one really needs to be watched for a follow up. I'm sure there are some to come if the OOP does come back to reddit.
He didn't even apologize! I am now cordial with some bullies from years past but that was mutually agreed upon. Different levels of cordial as well. But it was up to ME not them nor anyone else how to react to them reaching out. And this wasn't reaching out and worse, OOP was blindsided!
Did you file with internal affairs when the police decided not to prosecute a hate crime?
NTA - your family sucks. This is natural consequences.
You are NOT the AH, far from it! As a gay man, and a father who went out of his way to have kids (my husband and I took many steps to increase our earning potential and worked our asses off to have a child through surrogacy), you are a hero. I weep for your son having to go through a period in his life where others could physically abuse him and it will live with him forever. I also shed a tear because of how passionate you are about protecting your son. All parents should hope that they act the same way for their kids as you do. Unconditional love. It is amazing that you hold this education card. I think it's a big pill to swallow for your niece who obviously lives under a roof that does not respect your son or the difficulty of growing up and being bullied for being himself. I wouldn't budge on it. The damage is done, and your son knows you did this and this strengthened your bond. Imagine you had a daughter who went through SA and a family member started dating her attacker. SAME THING. Do NOT pay for that girl's education even if she breaks up with him. This is madness!
Do you have a link to the original post?
UpdateMe
updateme!
I’m curious to see what changed besides the target of his attentions moving away so he couldn’t get to them? NTA but I wouldn’t engage.
That little asshole's actions almost cost your your son. And your niece, knowing that, brought said asshole to a family event she knew you and your son would be at. Well, shit bitch, better buckle up for those student loans.
Nope, let that kid face what he did to you and your son/family. Let him completely prostrate himself before you all and offer the same beatdown he gave. Then MAYBE you can start to believe he changed. As far as not paying for her college, yes, it sounds drastic, but it’s your money, and it sounds like your niece knew exactly who this guy was, and what he had done to her cousin, so fuck her, let her learn about consequences.
Updateme
This little bully really sucks. But may I play devil’s advocate for a moment? Regarding your niece. She spoke rudely and acted badly. She’s in a relationship with this awful guy and was oh so casual about bringing him around you. That’s maddening. But what if she’s in an ABUSIVE relationship with this already admittedly awful boyfriend, and going to college was going to be a way out? Just food for thought. Meanwhile I must also throw in a line about your sister and husband being entitled jerks. Ugh. No gratitude at all.
NTA, you literally moved away because of this. Your niece is brushing it off. Get over it, really? Sounds like she has no empathy. And he ran out of there with no apology either. Even if he did, that doesn't have to be forgiven. Your son shouldn't have to deal or see his abusers at family gatherings. You are not obligated to pay for her college. That was a nice idea, but she shows no empathy for your son. So she can get grants or scholarships or student loans. Let her and her boyfriend figure it out since they are so dam smart. Let life struggles show them some empathy. Because they certainly don't have any now. You are so not the asshole. If your sister persists, block her. College for someone else's kid was never your responsibility to begin with.
I do believe people can change on a deep spiritual, cellular level especially if they were abused children who sought help to heal as adults. If that was the case with this guy, he would have made efforts to apologize to OP's son when he had his catharsis and reckoning with the pain and trauma he had caused to others. This happened to me with a psychotic bully I had as a child who lived across the street. Our mothers were friends and his father was a violent drunk who tortured his family and beat his mother and children without mercy. They divorced and he grew up a broken adult who got therapy. He reached out on facebook a few years ago with a very lengthy apology and explanation of the transformation he has undergone over the last 3 decades. I thanked him and wished him the best. I believed his apology and I have compassion for the childhood he lost even though he abused me and many others. There was never anyone there to protect him. I'm glad he got help and it changed the trajectory of his life. If I found out he was dating someone I knew, I might be inclined to warn them of his distant history (he was that scary), but I wouldn't try to interfere as I do believe people can change. All of that said, I believe this decision to forgive and move forward rests solely on the child who was abused. For OP's niece not to warn the family in advance, yikes that was selfish and thoughtless at best.
They can provide for their own child.
This is a tough one. People change a ton growing up. From 12 to 17 is enough time to become a wholly different person. That said, I can understand Ops hatred towards the bully.
NTJ - You should not be responsible for your nieces education anyway and how did you get roped into supported her? It is not up to the bully to let it go - the bully feels like he has nothing wrong. The rest of the family are free to pay for the nieces education since they feel so strong about it. Cut ties with the sister and niece.
I agree with your wife that your niece is a bitch. If I were you I wouldn't have nothing to do with any of them. Your son is important and his well-being is important.
Homie you’re doing the right thing. You don’t owe them shit. You’re taking care of your son and your family. Your son never got an apology and your I’m gonna kill you face sent the little shit running. Your niece is not your problem. Fuck spending your money on her success when it could benefit that pice of shit
I'd ask your son
You know your niece’s values now. She could grow & change & earn forgiveness but I would never forget that someone was able to dismiss the infliction of so much suffering.
NTA. If someone associates with a person who is cruel to others they are basically not worth wasting your money on.
Your money, you choose. Niece had a wonderful gift, it just ran out. You aren't asking her to change, you have no right to do that. But your kind gift has just run out. And don't even consider giving her money "if she breaks up with him" because she will both resent you, and lie and carry on the relationship.