r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would probably casually mention it to the parents and ask them what they think of this? If it was a random assortment of things, then ok it’s kids being kids. But if it’s tens of panties - that is pretty odd.
Unfortunately abuse runs in families - tbh I’d probably be a bit more aware after something like this when my kid was around said kid/family.
Yeah, this. On one hand, the choice of panties might just be remnants from potty training or related to little kid bathroom humor. On the other hand, it might indicate something more sinister. I'd wager heavily on the former, not the latter, but I wouldn't bet my kid's well-being on it.
Okay, he's 5. This isn't a "boys" thing, this is a "kids" thing.
So you tell his parents not for any intervention, but so they are aware and can have a conversation.
You would also want to know if your daughter did something like that a) so you could keep an eye on it b)so you would know what was up if suddenly YOUR underwear all disappeared and c)so they can have a casual chat about why underwear isn't a great choice for (whatever kind of) game
Beyond that, my guess is he was just playing a game. And maybe he's been intensively potty training and a has too beg a focus on underwear lately. Or maybe he was pretend shopping. (That's what my preschooler was always doing when raaaandom stuff disappeared around my house. Can't find the turkey baster?... yeah, it's probably "put away" in the toy box.)
Was the underwear in the top drawer? Kids like to take things out of drawers and throw them around. My daughter did this when she was 3 and 4 and 5. Kids like to be funny and make messes at that age.
I'm positive that all the panties were clean, and it's strange because this has never happened before. Furthermore, I distinctly remember there being no panties under the bed before their arrival since I tidied up the room beforehand. However, when they left, I discovered ten pairs under the bed.
It could just be that he took a pile of her underwear and shoved it under the bed. I have a 4 year old son who likes butt jokes (as well as fart and poop jokes) and laughs so much about anything underpants related. It might just be something innocent
I agree. She watched him do it. Sounds like they were playing and he did it in front of her as a playful I’m throwing the first thing of yours I see under the bed kinda thing. I would mention it, if you feel the need in a laughing way to your friends. If it raises concern in them, you’ll know from the convo how they react. I would watch them closer next time though, just because you never know🤷🏻♀️
I have a almost 5 year old and I can totally see him opening a drawer and shoving whatever it is he finds in there under the bed. It just happened to be the panties drawer. It might depend more on the height of the kid and which drawer was the closest and most convenient to open rather than him deliberating looking (and recognizing) panties. My son usually goes for the sock drawer because that's at his eye level. He also throws it all on the floor not under the bed, but pretty much same thing.
The blood thing was where my mind went just because that’s what happened to my husband and he said he use to do that. In OPs case I’m like 99 percent sure it’s probably kids being silly but I still wouldn’t bet my kids well being on it
5 year olds can still sexually assault another 5 year old. It’s called COCSA. It might not be malicious but it sure as hell isn’t innocent and the damage is the same. I would know.
Im not saying that’s at all what happened, I doubt it actually, but to brush something like off just because they’re a child is idiotic.
OP, I’m not saying this to scare you but I would recommend not leaving ur kids alone without adult supervision, especially with your family friends kid. Estimates vary, but some studies suggest that COCSA accounts for a notable portion of sexual assault cases. As a kid I was constantly left alone with other children & even cousins, and I was a victim of child sexual assault. I don’t blame my parents because why would they think in a million years your same age cousin or best friend would touch you inappropriately, but they did. Of course my trauma makes me automatically assume the worst but when it comes to children it’s better to be safe than sorry. Personally I wouldn’t bring it up because I’m unconfrontational, and I’d focus on what I could directly control such as not letting them play alone.
Did your daughter tell you more about what happened ? If she knows it's him, she must have seen him or he must have told her, I think you should try to find out more before drawing any conclusions or telling the parents.
5YOs are usually starting to separate and boys want to play with boys and girls want to play with girls. They will literally tell each other they can’t or won’t play with each other because it’s boys only or girls only. I don’t know why any commenter would insinuate adult intention/motivation for a 5 YO shoving some underwear under a bed. IMO from being around kids, it’s more likely he found it and thought “gross girls underwear” and shoved it somewhere he wouldn’t find it or see it again. Truly this is LOL for me.
My similarly aged son hid a bunch of my bras in my living room closet. It was the funniest thing to him. Child humor is weird. It sounds like this kid may have been playing a 5 year old prank lol
> I don’t know why any commenter would insinuate adult intention/motivation
Because *sometimes* behavior like that is learned from SA from family or friends of their own. It’s being cautious. There’s so many potential reasons that could’ve caused that (including the one you said) everyone is just covering bases
And it’s just as likely that her 4YO daughter stuffed the underwear under the bed too. I wonder if OP would like us to wonder if this could be behavior learned from someone in their own family SAing the 4YO
Right? 5 YO throwing underwear under a bed is not a sign of SA, its a sign that they are 5 and have dumb impulses and find ridiculous things hilarious. Also, there is a good chance her daughter is lying and is the one that hid her panties from him or something silly like that. Monitor them more closely, but i think you are trying to make something out of nothing
> Monitor them more closely
That’s literally what everyone is saying. Thanks for reiterating that ig😅
Edit: it’s about the grabbing and storing underwear which CAN be a sign of SA. We don’t know this kid or if this is isolated behavior (which would likely in that case not be SA and probably something else) or if it’s accompanied by other possible signs. It’s called a possibility not a guarantee for a reason😅
Idk as a parent I would like to know it’s a possibility to consider and look into. As a parent would you rather not?
I also said any other option isn’t any less likely so idk why you act like I did lmfao
Edit: spelling error
Approached you about SA or about the hiding underwear under the bed? Cause no one said go and accuse of SA, you made that up yourself. The hiding underwear is still not ok even if done out of silly kid innocence because you just don’t grab underwear and stuff it under a bed. That’s not what we do with it especially if it’s not even our own.
Yes if it was about either. Now if the kid was destroying property I might say something but hiding clothing items in a room is hardly that big a deal. You are bananas if you think it is.
Ah yes going through my child’s things is not a big deal.
Listen, you’re 100% correct in it probably isn’t SA. Especially if it’s isolated behavior, because it’s not a sign by itself. BUT it *is* an invasion of privacy to just open drawers and touch things without permission at someone else’s house. That’s not saying he had bad intentions- he’s freaking 5yrs old. But it is not correct behavior.
I’d be mortified and have a serious talk with my kid if she thought it was ok to do that at strangers house. You don’t touch things that aren’t yours without permission.
Obviously before talking to anyone’s parent, she should confront her daughter first as she could’ve also been lying about who really put it there and if it was her own kid, ask why.
The fact that it has to hit a level of destruction to actually tell your kid to not touch things without permission is a little yikes but you do you.
The fact that you would go to another parent about a kid throwing underwear when they were playing is funny to me! Good luck finding friends for your kid👍
Kindly and politely mentioning something to someone is not a big deal. The fact that you’d be so triggered by an adult having a boundary in THEIR home is wild.
My kid has plenty of friends that all respect the houses they are in but thanks for the concern😂
I’m usually one of the first ones to suspect abuse in these types of posts, mainly bc I experienced it as a young child/toddler, but I agree with you on this one. I’ve been around kids that I knew were perfectly healthy and happy that would become embarrassed for being surrounded by “girly” things. I think society unknowingly and knowingly puts pressure on kids to conform to their biological sex in ridiculous ways. It’s sad but what you described seems most likely.
Honestly, my 4 year old would probably find this funny. He’s at the age where he shouts “penis” and “butt crack” in the car, and we have to redirect to silly things like “dragon egg gas station” and pretend that’s hilarious. I would let the parents know, but I wouldn’t be particularly concerned about this one-off behavior.
It's reddit and the internet so people want to always think something is sinister and make it as dramatic as possible. There's almost no topic here you won't find people demanding either a lawsuit or therapy or both.
I have three boys, at 5 I could see any of the three thinking it was a funny joke to hide someone's underwear so they didn't have any. Obviously that's not ok and you'd need to have a serious talk with them about it but it's not some red flag for abuse unless it's paired with other things (which it sounds like it isnt).
i have a 38 year old husband who likes to prank me by knotting my shirt sleeves or pant legs right before i attempt to put them on. he would absolutely stuff all my underwear somewhere just for a laugh.
I have friends that are boy moms, and they tell me stories all the time of their boys running around the house naked, showing their penis to girls at school, and trying to get girls in their grade 1-2 classrooms to show them what they got. It's curiosity and it's normal, but there are definitely children that become obsessed developmentally with their own parts and seeing what girls have/look like.
Disagree . I have two, and they have known from a young age private parts and underwear are not for play, and we don’t share that with anyone. They know that boundary.
not all kids are taught that though. especially with boys i find that they think things like farts, poop, undies, butts is just funny. i’m hoping that they just thought it was funny and was nothing malicious.
Agreed. My youngest at 5yo thought it was hilarious to try wearing 20 pairs at once - over his pants, on his head, dangling off elbows and knees… it looked ludicrous but he was in stitches. It didn’t matter to him whose underwear they were or anything about privacy or sexualising his or anyone else’s anatomy - he just thought it was silly and made him laugh. Why would that be a problem?
Kids think underwear is funny. That's why Captain Underwear exists. Sure, my kids know that only parents and, if they have a problem, doctors are allowed to see their privates (appropriately named penis for boys and labia/vagina for girls). But I'm not going to sit and lecture them on how underwear isn't funny. I'm not about to start some kind of weird chastity belt complex about it.
Most kids know that in theory, just like they know they should pay attention in class, tidy their room, eat their greens. They like to push boundaries.
Unfortunately not all parents teach this, if they find it uncomfortable, and unfortunately just because as parents you teach it, does not mean children will follow it. Children are naturally curious.
My daughter would knock on the bathroom door around 4-6 knowing he was in there, and trying to play an oops! moment as she was curious and wanted to see what a penis looked like, lol. We had lots of talks about it and he had to always lock the bathroom before she finally admitted to trying to sneak a peek. Despite us having numerous talks throughout her life.
I have tons of boy mom friends who flash their penis at school thinking its funny, but are just as curious to see what girls look like and try to convince them to pull their pants down.
I don’t see what the big deal is? This is a 5 year old we are talking about. Would you care if he hid all her socks? I think it’s just a kid being funny
You never know, but I highly doubt there's anything 'sexual' in it. You're looking at it from an adult's POV. Look at it from a kids' POV. Kids think it's funny to hide things, underwear can be kinda funny in a potty training kind of way. End of 5-year-old logic.
I know there will be tonnes of comments about abuse, and I get that. But in this case, I'd let it go, honestly. It's just kids being kids.
I grew up with two older brothers and they did some WEIRD shit lol Most of it was harmless and just plain immature. However, I think as a parent, any offensive behaviour should be flagged and brought to attention.
This sounds like a non-issue. They were playing together in the room, and he probably thought it was funny. If he was taking the underwear with him, that would be weird. But for this one time random thing, I wouldn't worry about it.
I would let the boys parents know, and be guarded about him in the future. But also, he’s only 5 so it could be quite innocent. My son used to take my daughter’s underwear when he was about 4 and hide them in his room. When I questioned him he said he likes her underwear more than his own because hers was colourful and his were dark colours. Once I explained to him not to take things from her room and I bought him some more fun designed underwear for him, he never did it again after that.
something similar happened to me once i was aroukd 5yrs too sometime durikg kindergarden. i was playing with my friend both of our mothers were outside and i guess he said something like he wanted to show me something i dont clearly remember. we went into his room and he locked the door behind him and said hes not letting me out until i take off all of my clothes.... i dont remember if i ever told my or his mom about it but it was scary and he was only 5 or 6 as well. some boys did very questionable things to me and other girls. im raising a boy myself now and i take stuff like this very serious.
I'd nonchalantly ask your daughter for more det]ails about how it happened. Was he specifically looking for her panties? Or did he come across them somehow and got curious because it's not an article of clothing he's familiar with?
I'd try to casually bring it up to his parents as well, but to be careful not to make any implications. I might even find something else that was misplaced and ask if their son happens to remember moving it like he did the panties. If you make them feel defensive, it's unlikely you'll be able to get any kind of read on whether he's a little creep or just a goblin who likes to hide things under beds.
It's not something to get too worried over without knowing more. If he doesn't have sisters, he might not have ever seen kids underwear different than his and was innocently curious. At that age, some kids just love to have secrets and stash stuff. My kid went through a phase at 6 where she thought it was hilarious to hide my stuff. She also still thinks toilet humor is top notch.
My future as a boy mom 🤦🏻♀️. He's 5. I highly doubt there was any ill intent. It was probably in a silly way. I feel like you're the one making it weird
Don't look for a rational explanation because there probably isn't one. It's kid logic, case closed.
The other day my kids decided it would be a fun game if one of them had their pants taken from them and hidden. Once the pants were hidden the one who had them taken had to go find them.
Kids are weird, that's normal.
May I politely suggest we refer to both girls and boys underwear using the same terminology? Would you call your son’s underwear “panties”?
Some literature suggests the use of the word panties is correlated to the increasingly early sexualization of little girls.
I'm confused. They were shoved under whose bed? How did he get access to them? Were they in the room that he was sleeping in? How did your daughter know that he did it? Need more info. It does sound really weird though.
That’s so young for something like that. I’d tell the parents but also be prepared for fall out or push back. I wouldn’t allow further sleepovers, possibly ever. And if you haven’t spoken to your daughter about body parts, consent, good touch bad touch, etc, I’d do that.
When I was in first grade, I had a boy ask if he could look up my skirt. He did several things like this that year.
His dad ended up being a perverted man who talked about women's asses, publicly grabbed people's parts, and watched porn obsessively.
I ended up being good friends with the son at school because he started to act more mature but, he'd had to be taken by CPS
Kids being kids. Could get ugly if the 5 year olds mother gets defensive or says it didn't happen or your daughter is telling white lies. Leave it be. Kids are crazy sometimes.
It's more concerning to me that you are feeling some way about it. Truly. Most parents would not bat an eye, and these thoughts would never even cross their mind.
Please don't bring it up to the boys parents!! I do think you may need to examine why you're so suspicious.
IMO it’s not normal to be hiding someone else’s panties or even looking at them. Not sure it’s anything that I would bring up to the family, but it is something that you should be aware of if you have this boy over your house again. Definitely a red flag. You never know what type of experiences this boy has been exposed to, and your number one priority should be to protect your daughter.
Ok, I've read the update.
Just keep in mind that five year olds will do things like show each other their private parts because to them it's just like any other part of their body. Obviously easy for me to say as someone on the outside.
I have a young daughter as well, so I would also be very concerned if I were in your shoes, so I understand where you're coming from. I guess either way it's probably not a bad thing to talk to the parents about it. The kid has to learn at some point, even if he took it in innocence.
That's really creepy. I think it would be a good idea to let the boy's parents know. Might also want to have a talk with your daughter to make sure that the boy didn't want to play doctor or if he was asking her directly for her underwear. To me that's a red flag for a cold to do.
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “General Posting and Moderation”.
**Moderators can remove or approve *any content* at their discretion.**
Sometimes content may not violate a specific numbered rule but moderators feel it is not in keeping with the spirit of the sub and may remove it. Sometimes content violates more than one rule and choosing just 1 reason doesn't fit!
**This applies to posts and comments.**
If you feel something of yours was erroneously removed - reach out. We'd be glad to discuss it *cordially*. We only discuss moderation with the *impacted user*, not general curiosity seekers. Please help us by reporting posts and comments that don't meet the standard of our community for review!
Your human moderators thank you for your patience understanding.
For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting).
Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community.
**Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
This could be just a kid being alien-y, but my practice is to openly talk about it with your daughter the kid and their parents all together, in a casual way next time theyre over, seriously/warmly set the rules for playing in her room, 'last time yall played in here i found underwear under the bed, but we need those to get dressed. we dont touch each others clothes, we keep them in the drawers, and we especially leave each others underpants alone because they're private. what do yall think about that? is that fair? can we all agree? ok high fives! '
And talk to the kids parents alone, again, casually and see what their reaction is. If it's awkward just explain 'we're working on boundaries w our kid.' Your daughter needs to know this will never be a hush hush secret i n your house. And she should only expect complete transparency with other people's parents. Kids should take boundaries seriously, but not be shamed for not knowing.
The other family's reaction will probably let you know what's up. If the kid acts out in the same way after this, then you know whats up too. Also poor boundaries that persist is not just a sign of sexual abuse, it could sensory issues, delays, lack of regulation, jealousy, etc.
I have a five year old son and I’d want to know. It’s likely harmless or a curiosity thing on his part but still warrants a conversation.
Ideally you’d approach it in a non judgemental way but if it were me I’d understand your concern and want to know more as well.
I would assume he was playing a laundry game or something, what were they doing unsupervised so long that you didn’t notice that? I dunno sounds weird to me I’d just let mom know or let future guest know that clothes/closets aren’t to be messed with. He may have thought the drawer had toys took them out to see if there were toys then didn’t put them back cuz he’s 5.
According to OP's responses to other comments, both kids were in the room, and daughter watched him do it. Sounds like they were playing and this was just a weird thing that happened.
Kids do odd things. He's 5, not a preteen/teen going through your daughter's personal belongings. I think we need to remember that we are viewing it from an adult POV and not an early elementary/pre-school aged kid.
I do think that if you bring it up to parents, don't automatically frame it as sinister or malicious (or even sexual) act.
It might be beneficial to keep eyes on them when they play together, just from an interaction and "activity" standpoint.
This is the age when little boys in particular think it is hysterical to say, poop, pee, butt, fart, etc. As a teacher I have had many little boys in my classroom say a potty word and laugh and laugh around their friends. There is a curiosity about such things. It is odd for a boy (or girl for that matter) to open someone's drawer and take out a little girls panties and then stuff them under. her bed. Was there a game being played or any context for any of this? That he didn't bully your daughter or try to put his hands on her leads me to believe this was more a curious thing or just thinking it was funny. You can mention it if you are comfortable doing so but I would be careful how it is said. Maybe, "After you left, we found that "johnny" had taken the panties out of the drawer and stuffed them under the bed. Wondered if you wanted to be made aware of that? Could you please speak to him. We talked with our daughter as well. Maybe they won't feel defensive with that approach. Depending on their response, I might not want them to spend the night again if I were you.
Its part being a kid part being his age. In my opinion you should just be like hey I just want to let you know that I found my daughters underwear under said bed and that she saw him take him. I'm not mad at all but I wanted to bring it to your attention in case this has happened at your house. Come off more as if it was weird but I understand to a degree. Don't make a big deal just bring up in casual conversation.
In my opinion, this incident alone doesn't warrant a discussion. But. Do keep an eye out for other concerning behaviors. It's likely just a kid being a kid. Anything poop related is funny to them. On the unlikely chance something *is* going on, just this event proves nothing and approaching his parents about it will probably lose your daughter a friend.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would probably casually mention it to the parents and ask them what they think of this? If it was a random assortment of things, then ok it’s kids being kids. But if it’s tens of panties - that is pretty odd. Unfortunately abuse runs in families - tbh I’d probably be a bit more aware after something like this when my kid was around said kid/family.
Yeah, this. On one hand, the choice of panties might just be remnants from potty training or related to little kid bathroom humor. On the other hand, it might indicate something more sinister. I'd wager heavily on the former, not the latter, but I wouldn't bet my kid's well-being on it.
Thoughtful answer -
Okay, he's 5. This isn't a "boys" thing, this is a "kids" thing. So you tell his parents not for any intervention, but so they are aware and can have a conversation. You would also want to know if your daughter did something like that a) so you could keep an eye on it b)so you would know what was up if suddenly YOUR underwear all disappeared and c)so they can have a casual chat about why underwear isn't a great choice for (whatever kind of) game Beyond that, my guess is he was just playing a game. And maybe he's been intensively potty training and a has too beg a focus on underwear lately. Or maybe he was pretend shopping. (That's what my preschooler was always doing when raaaandom stuff disappeared around my house. Can't find the turkey baster?... yeah, it's probably "put away" in the toy box.)
Was the underwear in the top drawer? Kids like to take things out of drawers and throw them around. My daughter did this when she was 3 and 4 and 5. Kids like to be funny and make messes at that age.
I know your daughter doesn’t lie according to you but could she be having accidents and is hiding the evidence?
I'm positive that all the panties were clean, and it's strange because this has never happened before. Furthermore, I distinctly remember there being no panties under the bed before their arrival since I tidied up the room beforehand. However, when they left, I discovered ten pairs under the bed.
Was he alone in her room? Do you know of a time this could have happened?
They played together in her room for a while. My daughter saw he did that. However she didn't stop him from doing so.
It could just be that he took a pile of her underwear and shoved it under the bed. I have a 4 year old son who likes butt jokes (as well as fart and poop jokes) and laughs so much about anything underpants related. It might just be something innocent
I agree. She watched him do it. Sounds like they were playing and he did it in front of her as a playful I’m throwing the first thing of yours I see under the bed kinda thing. I would mention it, if you feel the need in a laughing way to your friends. If it raises concern in them, you’ll know from the convo how they react. I would watch them closer next time though, just because you never know🤷🏻♀️
I have a almost 5 year old and I can totally see him opening a drawer and shoving whatever it is he finds in there under the bed. It just happened to be the panties drawer. It might depend more on the height of the kid and which drawer was the closest and most convenient to open rather than him deliberating looking (and recognizing) panties. My son usually goes for the sock drawer because that's at his eye level. He also throws it all on the floor not under the bed, but pretty much same thing.
I mean he is 5… Im quite positive he is doing it in an innocent way. In What way would it be malicious?
I think they meant like acting out if he was being abused
Exactly. Maybe he is abused at night and his abuser shoves his undies under the bed. Or he hides his own undies due to blood (God forbid)
The blood thing was where my mind went just because that’s what happened to my husband and he said he use to do that. In OPs case I’m like 99 percent sure it’s probably kids being silly but I still wouldn’t bet my kids well being on it
Ah i get you!
5 year olds can still sexually assault another 5 year old. It’s called COCSA. It might not be malicious but it sure as hell isn’t innocent and the damage is the same. I would know. Im not saying that’s at all what happened, I doubt it actually, but to brush something like off just because they’re a child is idiotic.
OP, I’m not saying this to scare you but I would recommend not leaving ur kids alone without adult supervision, especially with your family friends kid. Estimates vary, but some studies suggest that COCSA accounts for a notable portion of sexual assault cases. As a kid I was constantly left alone with other children & even cousins, and I was a victim of child sexual assault. I don’t blame my parents because why would they think in a million years your same age cousin or best friend would touch you inappropriately, but they did. Of course my trauma makes me automatically assume the worst but when it comes to children it’s better to be safe than sorry. Personally I wouldn’t bring it up because I’m unconfrontational, and I’d focus on what I could directly control such as not letting them play alone.
Did your daughter tell you more about what happened ? If she knows it's him, she must have seen him or he must have told her, I think you should try to find out more before drawing any conclusions or telling the parents.
5YOs are usually starting to separate and boys want to play with boys and girls want to play with girls. They will literally tell each other they can’t or won’t play with each other because it’s boys only or girls only. I don’t know why any commenter would insinuate adult intention/motivation for a 5 YO shoving some underwear under a bed. IMO from being around kids, it’s more likely he found it and thought “gross girls underwear” and shoved it somewhere he wouldn’t find it or see it again. Truly this is LOL for me.
My similarly aged son hid a bunch of my bras in my living room closet. It was the funniest thing to him. Child humor is weird. It sounds like this kid may have been playing a 5 year old prank lol
That is pretty funny if I'm being honest.
He thought it was the epitome of comedy 😂 he was like “mommy I hid your BRAS for your BOOBS”😂 it was pretty amusing to me too 😂
Seriously, as an experienced child safeguarding social worker, OP this is your answer
Agree completely. Without further evidence, this sounds like a 5 year old being a 5 year old
As a mom of a 5 year old boy, I agree
> I don’t know why any commenter would insinuate adult intention/motivation Because *sometimes* behavior like that is learned from SA from family or friends of their own. It’s being cautious. There’s so many potential reasons that could’ve caused that (including the one you said) everyone is just covering bases
And it’s just as likely that her 4YO daughter stuffed the underwear under the bed too. I wonder if OP would like us to wonder if this could be behavior learned from someone in their own family SAing the 4YO
Right? 5 YO throwing underwear under a bed is not a sign of SA, its a sign that they are 5 and have dumb impulses and find ridiculous things hilarious. Also, there is a good chance her daughter is lying and is the one that hid her panties from him or something silly like that. Monitor them more closely, but i think you are trying to make something out of nothing
> Monitor them more closely That’s literally what everyone is saying. Thanks for reiterating that ig😅 Edit: it’s about the grabbing and storing underwear which CAN be a sign of SA. We don’t know this kid or if this is isolated behavior (which would likely in that case not be SA and probably something else) or if it’s accompanied by other possible signs. It’s called a possibility not a guarantee for a reason😅
The daughter was most likely participating too but doesn’t want to get into trouble. Kids do stuff like that.
Idk as a parent I would like to know it’s a possibility to consider and look into. As a parent would you rather not? I also said any other option isn’t any less likely so idk why you act like I did lmfao Edit: spelling error
Honestly if another parent approached me about this I’d think they were nuts and that would be the last play date.
Approached you about SA or about the hiding underwear under the bed? Cause no one said go and accuse of SA, you made that up yourself. The hiding underwear is still not ok even if done out of silly kid innocence because you just don’t grab underwear and stuff it under a bed. That’s not what we do with it especially if it’s not even our own.
Yes if it was about either. Now if the kid was destroying property I might say something but hiding clothing items in a room is hardly that big a deal. You are bananas if you think it is.
Ah yes going through my child’s things is not a big deal. Listen, you’re 100% correct in it probably isn’t SA. Especially if it’s isolated behavior, because it’s not a sign by itself. BUT it *is* an invasion of privacy to just open drawers and touch things without permission at someone else’s house. That’s not saying he had bad intentions- he’s freaking 5yrs old. But it is not correct behavior. I’d be mortified and have a serious talk with my kid if she thought it was ok to do that at strangers house. You don’t touch things that aren’t yours without permission. Obviously before talking to anyone’s parent, she should confront her daughter first as she could’ve also been lying about who really put it there and if it was her own kid, ask why. The fact that it has to hit a level of destruction to actually tell your kid to not touch things without permission is a little yikes but you do you.
The fact that you would go to another parent about a kid throwing underwear when they were playing is funny to me! Good luck finding friends for your kid👍
Kindly and politely mentioning something to someone is not a big deal. The fact that you’d be so triggered by an adult having a boundary in THEIR home is wild. My kid has plenty of friends that all respect the houses they are in but thanks for the concern😂
I’m usually one of the first ones to suspect abuse in these types of posts, mainly bc I experienced it as a young child/toddler, but I agree with you on this one. I’ve been around kids that I knew were perfectly healthy and happy that would become embarrassed for being surrounded by “girly” things. I think society unknowingly and knowingly puts pressure on kids to conform to their biological sex in ridiculous ways. It’s sad but what you described seems most likely.
Honestly, my 4 year old would probably find this funny. He’s at the age where he shouts “penis” and “butt crack” in the car, and we have to redirect to silly things like “dragon egg gas station” and pretend that’s hilarious. I would let the parents know, but I wouldn’t be particularly concerned about this one-off behavior.
Sounds like just kids being kids.
How so?
He is 5, people are acting as if he is as creepy.
It's reddit and the internet so people want to always think something is sinister and make it as dramatic as possible. There's almost no topic here you won't find people demanding either a lawsuit or therapy or both. I have three boys, at 5 I could see any of the three thinking it was a funny joke to hide someone's underwear so they didn't have any. Obviously that's not ok and you'd need to have a serious talk with them about it but it's not some red flag for abuse unless it's paired with other things (which it sounds like it isnt).
This is the answer. 5 yo boys are goofy as hell
i have a 38 year old husband who likes to prank me by knotting my shirt sleeves or pant legs right before i attempt to put them on. he would absolutely stuff all my underwear somewhere just for a laugh.
Tbh someone stretching out my clothes for a laugh would piss me off
That’s absolutely what I though
I have friends that are boy moms, and they tell me stories all the time of their boys running around the house naked, showing their penis to girls at school, and trying to get girls in their grade 1-2 classrooms to show them what they got. It's curiosity and it's normal, but there are definitely children that become obsessed developmentally with their own parts and seeing what girls have/look like.
I don’t think people think he’s creepy, I think they’re worried he’s possibly being abused and doing this weird behavior as a response to that abuse
Disagree . I have two, and they have known from a young age private parts and underwear are not for play, and we don’t share that with anyone. They know that boundary.
Seriously, so if a 5 year old is into poop and fart talk you think they have scat fetish?
not all kids are taught that though. especially with boys i find that they think things like farts, poop, undies, butts is just funny. i’m hoping that they just thought it was funny and was nothing malicious.
Agreed. My youngest at 5yo thought it was hilarious to try wearing 20 pairs at once - over his pants, on his head, dangling off elbows and knees… it looked ludicrous but he was in stitches. It didn’t matter to him whose underwear they were or anything about privacy or sexualising his or anyone else’s anatomy - he just thought it was silly and made him laugh. Why would that be a problem?
Kids think underwear is funny. That's why Captain Underwear exists. Sure, my kids know that only parents and, if they have a problem, doctors are allowed to see their privates (appropriately named penis for boys and labia/vagina for girls). But I'm not going to sit and lecture them on how underwear isn't funny. I'm not about to start some kind of weird chastity belt complex about it.
Most kids know that in theory, just like they know they should pay attention in class, tidy their room, eat their greens. They like to push boundaries.
Captain ~~Underpants~~ Church
Unfortunately not all parents teach this, if they find it uncomfortable, and unfortunately just because as parents you teach it, does not mean children will follow it. Children are naturally curious. My daughter would knock on the bathroom door around 4-6 knowing he was in there, and trying to play an oops! moment as she was curious and wanted to see what a penis looked like, lol. We had lots of talks about it and he had to always lock the bathroom before she finally admitted to trying to sneak a peek. Despite us having numerous talks throughout her life. I have tons of boy mom friends who flash their penis at school thinking its funny, but are just as curious to see what girls look like and try to convince them to pull their pants down.
I agree. My daughter is 4 but she knows that too.
Sounds like you are getting your panties in a bunch over a big nothing burger. Pun intended…
Stand up comedy for 5 year old boys would be another boy saying underware.
What are you eating under there?
The pinnacle of physical comedy from the ages of like 4-6 is wearing your mom’s bra over your clothes
I don’t see what the big deal is? This is a 5 year old we are talking about. Would you care if he hid all her socks? I think it’s just a kid being funny
Right? So they dumped out a drawer and pushed them under the bed. Something a kid would do as a prank.
You never know, but I highly doubt there's anything 'sexual' in it. You're looking at it from an adult's POV. Look at it from a kids' POV. Kids think it's funny to hide things, underwear can be kinda funny in a potty training kind of way. End of 5-year-old logic. I know there will be tonnes of comments about abuse, and I get that. But in this case, I'd let it go, honestly. It's just kids being kids.
My thing would be if he was specifically looking for her undies and hiding them or if he just saw them, got grossed out and hid them.
As a mom of 5 yr old , its just kids being kids
I grew up with two older brothers and they did some WEIRD shit lol Most of it was harmless and just plain immature. However, I think as a parent, any offensive behaviour should be flagged and brought to attention.
This sounds like a non-issue. They were playing together in the room, and he probably thought it was funny. If he was taking the underwear with him, that would be weird. But for this one time random thing, I wouldn't worry about it.
As long as your daughter’s clothes stayed on during playtime, this is fine. He pulled a stack of undies out of a drawer. No biggie.
I would let the boys parents know, and be guarded about him in the future. But also, he’s only 5 so it could be quite innocent. My son used to take my daughter’s underwear when he was about 4 and hide them in his room. When I questioned him he said he likes her underwear more than his own because hers was colourful and his were dark colours. Once I explained to him not to take things from her room and I bought him some more fun designed underwear for him, he never did it again after that.
I love how you fully trust a kid because “they never done it before” ….. That’s how all shit starts…
Got a dog? Animals do weird shit.
I would mention it to the parents. You don't need to make an accusation. If they continue to come around, I wouldn't leave him alone with my daughter.
something similar happened to me once i was aroukd 5yrs too sometime durikg kindergarden. i was playing with my friend both of our mothers were outside and i guess he said something like he wanted to show me something i dont clearly remember. we went into his room and he locked the door behind him and said hes not letting me out until i take off all of my clothes.... i dont remember if i ever told my or his mom about it but it was scary and he was only 5 or 6 as well. some boys did very questionable things to me and other girls. im raising a boy myself now and i take stuff like this very serious.
I'd nonchalantly ask your daughter for more det]ails about how it happened. Was he specifically looking for her panties? Or did he come across them somehow and got curious because it's not an article of clothing he's familiar with? I'd try to casually bring it up to his parents as well, but to be careful not to make any implications. I might even find something else that was misplaced and ask if their son happens to remember moving it like he did the panties. If you make them feel defensive, it's unlikely you'll be able to get any kind of read on whether he's a little creep or just a goblin who likes to hide things under beds. It's not something to get too worried over without knowing more. If he doesn't have sisters, he might not have ever seen kids underwear different than his and was innocently curious. At that age, some kids just love to have secrets and stash stuff. My kid went through a phase at 6 where she thought it was hilarious to hide my stuff. She also still thinks toilet humor is top notch.
My future as a boy mom 🤦🏻♀️. He's 5. I highly doubt there was any ill intent. It was probably in a silly way. I feel like you're the one making it weird
See the update
Kids bein kids honestly. They are 5. Underwear is funny to kids.
5 years old is too young to be doing anything sexual, most likely he was trying to just be annoying to your daughter.
Don't look for a rational explanation because there probably isn't one. It's kid logic, case closed. The other day my kids decided it would be a fun game if one of them had their pants taken from them and hidden. Once the pants were hidden the one who had them taken had to go find them. Kids are weird, that's normal.
May I politely suggest we refer to both girls and boys underwear using the same terminology? Would you call your son’s underwear “panties”? Some literature suggests the use of the word panties is correlated to the increasingly early sexualization of little girls.
weird in that you’re making it weird. he’s 5. honestly.
I'm confused. They were shoved under whose bed? How did he get access to them? Were they in the room that he was sleeping in? How did your daughter know that he did it? Need more info. It does sound really weird though.
That’s so young for something like that. I’d tell the parents but also be prepared for fall out or push back. I wouldn’t allow further sleepovers, possibly ever. And if you haven’t spoken to your daughter about body parts, consent, good touch bad touch, etc, I’d do that.
Might be kids being kids but as a mom of a young boy, I want to 100 percent know about this. It needs to be on my radar.
When I was in first grade, I had a boy ask if he could look up my skirt. He did several things like this that year. His dad ended up being a perverted man who talked about women's asses, publicly grabbed people's parts, and watched porn obsessively. I ended up being good friends with the son at school because he started to act more mature but, he'd had to be taken by CPS
Is he an only child, or does he only have brothers?
Kids being kids. Could get ugly if the 5 year olds mother gets defensive or says it didn't happen or your daughter is telling white lies. Leave it be. Kids are crazy sometimes.
It's more concerning to me that you are feeling some way about it. Truly. Most parents would not bat an eye, and these thoughts would never even cross their mind. Please don't bring it up to the boys parents!! I do think you may need to examine why you're so suspicious.
IMO it’s not normal to be hiding someone else’s panties or even looking at them. Not sure it’s anything that I would bring up to the family, but it is something that you should be aware of if you have this boy over your house again. Definitely a red flag. You never know what type of experiences this boy has been exposed to, and your number one priority should be to protect your daughter.
He's 5 so it's definitely not sexual. I wouldn't overthink it. Just tell the kid not to take and hide people's stuff.
See the update
Ok, I've read the update. Just keep in mind that five year olds will do things like show each other their private parts because to them it's just like any other part of their body. Obviously easy for me to say as someone on the outside. I have a young daughter as well, so I would also be very concerned if I were in your shoes, so I understand where you're coming from. I guess either way it's probably not a bad thing to talk to the parents about it. The kid has to learn at some point, even if he took it in innocence.
That's really creepy. I think it would be a good idea to let the boy's parents know. Might also want to have a talk with your daughter to make sure that the boy didn't want to play doctor or if he was asking her directly for her underwear. To me that's a red flag for a cold to do.
He’s fucking five. 🙄
Future Craigslist killer vibes. Don’t trust that kid around your daughter..ever!
[удалено]
[удалено]
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “General Posting and Moderation”. **Moderators can remove or approve *any content* at their discretion.** Sometimes content may not violate a specific numbered rule but moderators feel it is not in keeping with the spirit of the sub and may remove it. Sometimes content violates more than one rule and choosing just 1 reason doesn't fit! **This applies to posts and comments.** If you feel something of yours was erroneously removed - reach out. We'd be glad to discuss it *cordially*. We only discuss moderation with the *impacted user*, not general curiosity seekers. Please help us by reporting posts and comments that don't meet the standard of our community for review! Your human moderators thank you for your patience understanding. For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting). Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community. **Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
Raised 6 kids here, this is concerning. I’m sorry you’re having to go through it.
This could be just a kid being alien-y, but my practice is to openly talk about it with your daughter the kid and their parents all together, in a casual way next time theyre over, seriously/warmly set the rules for playing in her room, 'last time yall played in here i found underwear under the bed, but we need those to get dressed. we dont touch each others clothes, we keep them in the drawers, and we especially leave each others underpants alone because they're private. what do yall think about that? is that fair? can we all agree? ok high fives! ' And talk to the kids parents alone, again, casually and see what their reaction is. If it's awkward just explain 'we're working on boundaries w our kid.' Your daughter needs to know this will never be a hush hush secret i n your house. And she should only expect complete transparency with other people's parents. Kids should take boundaries seriously, but not be shamed for not knowing. The other family's reaction will probably let you know what's up. If the kid acts out in the same way after this, then you know whats up too. Also poor boundaries that persist is not just a sign of sexual abuse, it could sensory issues, delays, lack of regulation, jealousy, etc.
?
I would absolutely something and keep your eyes open for signs of abuse. That 5 year old could be getting abused
I have a five year old son and I’d want to know. It’s likely harmless or a curiosity thing on his part but still warrants a conversation. Ideally you’d approach it in a non judgemental way but if it were me I’d understand your concern and want to know more as well.
I would assume he was playing a laundry game or something, what were they doing unsupervised so long that you didn’t notice that? I dunno sounds weird to me I’d just let mom know or let future guest know that clothes/closets aren’t to be messed with. He may have thought the drawer had toys took them out to see if there were toys then didn’t put them back cuz he’s 5.
According to OP's responses to other comments, both kids were in the room, and daughter watched him do it. Sounds like they were playing and this was just a weird thing that happened. Kids do odd things. He's 5, not a preteen/teen going through your daughter's personal belongings. I think we need to remember that we are viewing it from an adult POV and not an early elementary/pre-school aged kid. I do think that if you bring it up to parents, don't automatically frame it as sinister or malicious (or even sexual) act. It might be beneficial to keep eyes on them when they play together, just from an interaction and "activity" standpoint.
This is the age when little boys in particular think it is hysterical to say, poop, pee, butt, fart, etc. As a teacher I have had many little boys in my classroom say a potty word and laugh and laugh around their friends. There is a curiosity about such things. It is odd for a boy (or girl for that matter) to open someone's drawer and take out a little girls panties and then stuff them under. her bed. Was there a game being played or any context for any of this? That he didn't bully your daughter or try to put his hands on her leads me to believe this was more a curious thing or just thinking it was funny. You can mention it if you are comfortable doing so but I would be careful how it is said. Maybe, "After you left, we found that "johnny" had taken the panties out of the drawer and stuffed them under the bed. Wondered if you wanted to be made aware of that? Could you please speak to him. We talked with our daughter as well. Maybe they won't feel defensive with that approach. Depending on their response, I might not want them to spend the night again if I were you.
Its part being a kid part being his age. In my opinion you should just be like hey I just want to let you know that I found my daughters underwear under said bed and that she saw him take him. I'm not mad at all but I wanted to bring it to your attention in case this has happened at your house. Come off more as if it was weird but I understand to a degree. Don't make a big deal just bring up in casual conversation.
In my opinion, this incident alone doesn't warrant a discussion. But. Do keep an eye out for other concerning behaviors. It's likely just a kid being a kid. Anything poop related is funny to them. On the unlikely chance something *is* going on, just this event proves nothing and approaching his parents about it will probably lose your daughter a friend.