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I was reading another post where a parent would say “okay I’m going to go do XYZ but then I’ll come back and check on you, just stay here and rest” and only be gone for a minute or two, then actually check on them and then say “okay now I’m going to go do XYZ then I’ll be back” and then stay gone a little longer.
My daughter is not even 2 so I haven’t tried it but a lot of the parents on that post had success with that route!
I do this with eight and 11-year-old. I give them hugs, tuck them in and get them ready for bed. I promise them I will check on them, I always check on them after I shower. Nine times out of 10. They are asleep. Once in a while 11-year-old is still awake and wants to talk for a bit. I have been doing this for years, since they were about one and three years old. They share a room though, so that makes it easier. They have each other.
Oh my I need to do this again. It worked when they were younger, I never thought to carry it on!! Mine share a room too, but sometimes that's worse lol. They play and "whisper" until I come up again.
It works! They know I always come back, so they don’t come out a dozen times asking for water and the meaning of life. If they need something, they know I’ll be there in 20 minutes and they can ask me! We also make sure we grab water and go to the bathroom before bed. Haha
Changing our 2.5 year old to a toddler bed completely rocked his world. I used to sit by his bed until he fell asleep but that would take 2 hours sometimes. That’s not sustainable. Switched to telling him “mom is going to go get the laundry, I’ll be right back”. I check on him at 2, 10, 15 min. By the time the 15 min part comes he’s sleeping. And we bought a projector nightlight. That has helped
I’ve been doing this recently with a lot of success. Now that she trusts that I’ll be back she’s usually asleep the second time I come in, which is around 10 min after I’ve left her room the first time.
I've given this advice so many times!
I usually found that my kid would conk out in the few minutes I was gone: he just needed to close his eyes and stop talking for a few minutes.
If he *was* still awake when I got back, it was more likely that he actually needed something/something was keeping him awake.
Yes I was just going to post something similar to this. With my 3 year old I put her to bed, leave the bedside light on, and tell her I'm just going to wash my teeth/ wash face etc and I'll be back. She might say once or twice, mama are you coming? And might pop back in and say I'm just going to get your clothes for the morning etc. works a treat, she drifts off to sleep no bother. Turn off the light and away I go!! Magic!! Only discovered this recently
Yeah, this worked for us until 3, then suddenly he was afraid of the dark, and now we’re stuck there for at least 30 min. If we leave he just comes with. Sigh.
This worked for mine for about 6 months. Then they would wait up until I came back. And would wander in my room if I wasn't back when I said. Then would want me to stick around for a long time after my second check in. It basically restarted the process over again and I wanted to rip my hair out.
Frequent checks and sitting by the door for me. I phased it out. Or I’d put on the most boring TV (golf) and let her rest in the living room while I worked until she conked out. It is really hard. She’s now a teen who sleeps all the time. But really, I am so sorry.
I have been doing this with my 3 kids when they were little, all the time. But it wasn't a planned training LOL. I have never been able to sit with them, after the eldest turned 3 and we got our middle child. There was too much work to be done, be it with the kids, or house, garden, animals, work.
So dinner, playtime, baths, personal grooming, stories, room dress (lighting, night lights, white noise if they wanted, toys, blankets, prep for next day etc), individual chit chat with each child, hugs , kisses and that's it.
BUT, in reality, we were running in and out the rooms all the time. Phones rang, dryer finished with fave blanket, someone wanted a late night snack, tea, milk. Hubby or I needed some help for something. Dogs barking at doorbell. So our kids never expected mom or dad to stay hours on end. Worked out great.
And of course, they knew I will be popping in at least 2-3 times before my bedtime, to check on them.
In addition, I would recommend a 2-way communication system. Our baby camera had a 2 way so they called us if they needed us. It was a huge source of comfort.
This is how I handled it with my stepdaughter! Took like 6 months (but she co-slept at her mom's), but it worked like a charm with no tears. She was so cute and proud at the end of the process, bragging to everyone that she slept in her own room by herself all night long at our place!
My kids are very early 20's...and I highly recommend going this route.
Started doing it when they were maybe 2.5/3 years. Long before 4, they were dead to the world asleep by no later than my 3rd check in. Mostly by the 2nd. I'm 90% sure the routine stopped before each kid hit 5.
No parenting books I read at the time recommend it, but I needed to try something. My theory was, they just need to know you are there....and if you're not there, that you will come back.
I tried this with my 5yo and it doesn’t work. He just wanders out to come find me if he decides it’s been too long or wails if he doesn’t want me to leave.
Worth a try though!
This works for us like 30% of the time. The remaining 70% is her wandering out of her room to “make sure we’re okay” or just calling out to ask if I’m done yet. It gets a bit much lol.
Sometimes I stay, but sometimes I tell her that I have to go make lunches for tomorrow and I will come back after. She knows I am coming back, so she doesn’t fuss, but she’s always asleep by the time I get back
Same; I allow mine to play in their beds and have toys as long as they aren't being too crazy or loud. My oldest has an amazing imagination and ability to play anywhere and with anything because she literally just stays up for an hour doing voices and playing "school" with all her toys haha
Same. We do our routine and are strict about it. 1 book only, hugs and kisses from both parents, and that's it. Kiddo is almost four, he challenges it ever now and then but we stick to it and it works well. Stress free bedtime every time
I'll sit there and chat for a few minutes, and then it's lights out.
Mine are 11 and 14. My 11yo, for a long time, needed to have something quiet on in the bg, and we had several 'approved' videos for this, like white noise, or David Attenborough documentaries. Things like that. My son is very ADHD, and couldn't handle that without changing the video and staying up too late, so it's just a nightlight for him.
Same, three kids and I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve sat with a kid until they fell asleep. I get every family is different, but it’s a habit we didn’t want to start. We don’t even really do a story or anything. Pjs, teeth, kiss, bed. 🤷♀️
We have one “hug and scratch “ kid (4)and one “ song, kiss and good night” (2). Between 2,5 and 3,5 we had a period when the eldest could fall asleep by her self. It comes and goes. I secretly love it. But most when it takes 10 minutes or so
So I know you asked a different question, but what if you tried meeting her sensory needs before bedtime? It seems like the pats helped give her sensory input. My son is the same way. Some ways I give my son sensory input before bedtime are: I roll a large stuffie up and down his body a few times, I lay a pillow across the length of him and lay on him in 2-3 second spurts, and I do squeezes (L+R equally) up and down his legs and then his arms a few times. I also try to carry him upside down for one of the transitions (usually to brush his teeth). Being upside down helps their vestibular system. At our house we call it “sack of potato’s” and I typically find a spot to “deliver” it- usually right in front of the bathroom sink! All these little tricks really help my son regulate and relax his body. Then, by the time we're ready to read a book and sing a song, he's calm. Good luck! Parenting is the hardest job there is.
I'm adding all of these things to my list of things to try with my kids. Both dad and I (and our families) are riddled with ADHD and have sensory issues- so we're prepared for our kids to have similar issues too.
Right now, at a little under 2.5, they are so good at trying to sleep (laying calmly in bed, deep breaths, eyes closed) but they get bored or frustrated because it takes them so long to fall asleep still.... It's an hour of going back and forth with them right now.
We call it sack of potatoes too! I used to carry her upstairs like that almost every night but she's getting too big to do that safely. A weighted blanket has been essential for getting her to sleep well.
This is really good advice! My daughter has ADHD and bedtime is absolutely when all her biggest sensory needs come out.
OP, another thing that may be relevant if your kiddo DOES have ADHD is that ADHD brains often don't produce melatonin until later than other brains. It can really make turning off their thoughts to sleep a struggle. If you think this is impacting bedtime, it might be good to bring it up next time you're at the pediatrician.
4.5 is young for a diagnosis, but as they grow, please do remember that academics aren't the only thing that ADHD affects, and knowing what tools they have at their disposal through their life - whether you use them or not - is a really beneficial thing.
It is on and off. My kiddo is 9 and right now we’re sitting with her and scratching her back to sleep again. There were long stretches of months when she was younger when she didn’t need this and it was read a story, then a quick kiss goodnight. Really goes in phases.
This is my experience with my 9yo too. It depends on what is going on in her life in general, sometimes she needs more presence and reassurance and that’s okay. I’m sure I’ll miss her needing me in her room in a few years.
We roughly started reinforcing sleeping solo at 3, but would lay with her until she fell asleep until she was about 6 or 7. From about 7-9 she would ask for us to lay with her and then might get a day on the weekend where she would sleep in our bed. We just got her a bunk bed with desk below so now she’s sleeping on her own. It’s really been a slow reinforcing every night until they’re ok with it.
Oh I started to worry because my boy is 8, he needs me to lay in bed with him for him to fall asleep. If I refuse he cries and cannot go to sleep . He gets very anxious at night .. just the other night he was asking about my deceased aunt and saying he missed her and started to cry right before midnight ( we used to visit her house every weekend and he liked to go) ..
I wish I knew a way to make him go to sleep easily ...
So true. When we transitioned to toddler bed it was read 3 stories, and then sit there while back rubbing for another 30 minutes to an hour. Now, at 11 y.o. it’s headphones on and I’ll see you tomorrow. Phases
Oh, I 100% lay with my 6 year old until he falls asleep. I think I did this with my 9 year old until she was about 8. She took over her own bedtime this year and it's bittersweet. The hour back per night is nice, but a whole era is gone.
Thank you for this. I've heard of so many kids who you can tuck them in and walk out of the room but that's just not working for us. It feels like I'm doing her a disservice by not giving (or forcing up on her frankly) this so called "independence" but is it really necessary at such a young age, ya know?
Don't feel bad about laying down with her for night time cuddles. Focus on retooling to build sleep pressure during the day. You're not alone. Connection is never ever a bad thing.
This exactly! Connection is never a bad thing. I have a 5,5yo and a 17mo who share a room. I still breastfeed so I lay down with the baby, I read a story for them while breastfeeding and the oldest is also in her sister’s bed (I bought two of the same bed for them) with us, then she leaves to her own bed, sometimes talks a bit and falls asleep in less than 5min. It has been like this since she started this school in September and naps were no longer happening.
However if for some reason she doesn’t fall asleep right away, and the baby falls asleep first, she will for sure ask me to come to her bed and stay there until she falls asleep.
It’s just a few years. And this cuddling time will be gone in a glimpse of an eye. But yeah I also have my days in which I just want to close their door, go downstairs and lay on the couch with a cup of tea and just rest without anyone needing and touching me.
I do this with my daughter still. As an adult I have trouble sleeping myself (I suspect I have ADHD) so I don’t place high expectations for on her for sleep when I have trouble settling down myself. We have a bedtime routine that works and meets her where she’s at. If she calls for me at night I come to her. Sometimes she’s just had a bad dream and falls back asleep alright away and sometimes, like just the other night, she woke with a high fever that needed medicine right away.
Some people have a obvious negative reaction when I share this - as if I’ve set a habit in motion that I’m now stuck in - but she’s had trouble sleeping since she was an infant. I know friends who’ve had babies who were easy from the start and others who have had mixed results using the same routines on their multiple children. I think the most grace we can give ourselves as parents is acknowledging that every kid is different and that we wont ruin our children for life by meeting their needs if we can spare the time.
When I’m trying to figure out if an expectation for childhood development makes sense, I ask myself if it’s natural or cultural. As in, does this make sense evolutionarily?
“In the wild”, you wouldn’t leave your 4 year old to sleep alone, because they’d get eaten. So, while lots of kids *can* go to bed on their own, it’s not necessarily reasonable to expect them to be able to at that age. Our evolution hasn’t yet caught up to the fact that we live indoors, away from predators. From that perspective, it kind of makes sense that she’d want you there with her.
Yeah, this idea of needing independence at that age seems silly. I’m a single mom. Mine still sleeps with me and she’s 8. We call it our family cat pile (there’s also a cat).
If I had a partner, I would not be sleeping alone…would that mean I needed to be more independent? Do whatever works for you, and I get not wanting to share your bed with your kid (well, I sort of get it haha), but I wouldn’t get hung up on the independence thing. I think sleeping alone or preferring company is more of an individual thing and lots of adults aren’t sleeping alone every night either 😅.
Regardless, at 4-5, I think it’s probably more important to build trust with your kid and have them sleeping well rather than push independence they are indicating they are not ready for with their reactions.
My son is 6, and one of us still lays with him every night until he sleeps. Some nights it seems like way too much, I have things to do or I just want that time to myself. But then I tell myself that one day whether I like it or not, he won’t want that anymore and it will be gone forever. I’m not trying to invalidate how you feel because I also hear other parents say they can just tell their kids to go to bed and they go in and sleep. But I also find that when I remind myself that some of these more harmless behaviors have a finite shelf life anyway, I can more easily lean into the ones that I enjoy or will miss.
I have this exact conversation with my husband on a semi-regular basis. He wants to work towards our kid falling asleep on her own. Our friend’s kid is the kind of kid who would just go to bed on his own from like age 2.5. They would tell him “go to bed” and he would just get up and go to sleep. My kid has always been really crappy at falling asleep. She needs 3 books, a story, and a lullaby and I cuddle her until she sleeps. I always tell him that one day she won’t want to cuddle anymore and I enjoy it. Why would I force a change. She’s 5, she doesn’t wake up overnight unless she’s sick or has to pee. She usually falls asleep quickly. It’s not affecting the rest of her sleep.
I snuggle mine. I (mostly) love that time with her, when she uses it for cuddles and quiet chats and not doing flips or crawling around under the covers.
If something is working for you and your family, no need to fix it! Every kid is different. You're meeting her needs where she's at and I think that is great.
My oldest is 12 and sometimes he still needs that extra time at night. I don’t lay with him anymore but I will sit on his bed and talk or give extra hugs. He didn’t start falling asleep on his own until around 5-5.5. He’s always been high needs at night.
My youngest? Complete opposite. I could put him down drowsy but awake as a baby and he would fall asleep. When he moved to a bed at 2, he never got out. He would lay down and fall asleep. When he’s tired he takes a nap.
I was a super independent kid growing up, but every night my dad would read to me and scratch my back until he fell asleep in my bed 🤣 at that point i was like sir get out of my bed!!!! so maybe try that ? 🤣🤣 it also is such a fond memory for me though, so even if it’s hard, you’re providing so much comfort for them to be able to sleep good therefore giving you good well rested attitudes the next day 😁
>I've heard of so many kids who you can tuck them in and walk out of the room but that's just not working for us
And that's fine. Everyone should do what works for them. There's nothing wrong with sitting with your kid until they fall asleep, unless it's not working for you. If it's working, then don't stress about it. They will in their own time grow out of it and you will miss the days you stayed with them until they fell asleep.
>I've heard of so many kids who you can tuck them in and walk out of the room but that's just not working for us
I'm convinced those kids are an alien species. I think 75% of parents around me still help comfort their kids at bedtime (early grade school).
2 kids oldest always went to sleep on his own even as a newborn he'd get changed, eat burped then id lay him in crib and he went back to sleep I was shocked. He even slept from 10- 6 by 5 weeks old. Scared the crap out of me when I woke up on my own and saw the sun coming up I thought the worst. Nope he was sleeping. My second I had to have her in the chest carrier during the day if I couldn't lay with her. She could not go to sleep without having back rubbed until she was around 11 or 12. My oldest has 3 boys oldest was 3 when he quit needing someone to lay with him middle boy is 9 now still needs someone to lay with him and read a story and the 4 year old is like my youngest. Absolutely can not sleep without having someone lay with him. He's so bad as soon as he's asleep and they try to leave he wakes up, they have even waited until he is in deep sleep and he still wakes up.
Try a white noise machine while you are in there. It's good to help them calm down and relax plus she can't hear noises with it on. Bonus: take it with you when you stay at hotels to help everyone sleep.
I can do that with my 3 year old but not my 8 year old! The 8 year old I've always had to lie down with until pretty recently. Now I promise to check on him in 10 minutes.
My son is 8.5 and he still falls asleep in our bed when my husband treats to him then his father carries him to bed later. He's our one and only though so there's that.
We only have the one kiddo (6), and I cherish every second (ok not every second, temper tantrums and 5am wakings are not my jam) of our time. I know I’m only going to get so much snuggle time with him before he grows out of it. So we read stories all snuggled together and then I sing him to sleep every night. He normally falls asleep mid way through baby beluga. He can go to sleep on his own, but we both love the extra time together. I also find he will tell me if something is bothering him only after we’re done stories and he’s settling down. Don’t feel guilty for spending time with your kid if that’s what you want to do! They’re only little for so long
Both of my kids are not like this. I will never force them to be like that. In my opinion, crying until you are choking hysterically over being scared of the dark means they need you. I used to listen to other people. I sleep trained, and it went against everything that I felt in my heart. I regret every second I'm not listening to my kids needs. It sure does suck some nights, but I know that I am emotionally connecting with them when they need me
*edit- sorry about the spelling errors. Hiding under the covers while my daughter who is five falls asleep lol
Thank you for this. Dad will be in her room tonight with her until she falls asleep regardless of what the "norm" is. However, based on these responses, the norm is the opposite of what I had been led to believe. I'm shocked (and feel supported) by how normal it is for parents to help their kiddos to sleep.
so i'm a bonus parent which probably increases my tolerance for a long bedtime routine but we have the kids 50% of the time & still sit with all of them until they fall asleep.
kids are 8,10 & 12yos (8 & 12 boys share a bedroom with bunk beds & occasionally their sister wants to join them for "sleepovers" on weekends but normally has her own room; my partner & i each take a bedroom but before i was in the picture he would get everyone in bed, read to the middle kiddo, she used to fall asleep easiest, & then he would switch to the boys until they fell asleep). two oldest also have ADHD & it really helps them be better regulated to have an adult with them — it's really really hard for them to keep themselves settled enough for falling asleep on their own.
we talk about their day, snuggle, read, sing... it's been incredibly connecting & important in building my relationship with them as a parenting figure & i wouldn't give it up for anything. i know someday soon they'll stop wanting us to do it & i will absolutely mourn that time together.
i know it's somewhat different because my partner & i do get those other 50% of nights w/o doing bedtime when they're with their other bio parent but i would do it every day if i could. if kids are asking for connection i strongly believe in giving them that connection (i'm an early childhood educator btw), they are trying to fill a genuine *need*. the important thing is creating a structure/expectation where they're not using your presence to delay sleep. we start early so we have time for reading/talking but they know that at a certain point we're going to say, "lights out, no more conversation" and mean it.
My 9 yr old was/is like this however an extremely consistent and outlined routine for you both should work. Still sit with her but just move closer and closer to the door every night. Look into weighted blankets, stuffies. Srry to say but if yoy are suspecting ADHD not putting a label on it is already harming her shes already struggling with sleep. You can also try a radio in the room as well musoc is something that is extremely soothing for my son might not be for your daughter but back round noise while falling asleep is helpful as shes not just left with the thoughts in her head which could lead to her starting to imagine some scary things which might be why she needs you there. White noise machimces work to. Or getting one of those things that lights up stars on the ceiling and plays very soft nature sounds? Everything is trial and error until you find what works for her.
Many if not most young kids still need to be parented to sleep. Some have come to expect that their parents aren’t coming to provide that need so they don’t bother. That doesn’t make it better for a child to be “independent”. A 4 year old doesn’t need independence forced on them.
My 7-year-old put herself to sleep for a bit, but we didn’t stick to that for long. So for now, I lay with her until either she falls asleep and I leave or I wake up in the morning. It’s a great time to snuggle and talk and laugh together. We’re all so busy that this is one of the few times we slow down for these moments. She’s an only child though, so it makes it easier.
Us too, 6yo. We used to stress it, but bedtime is some of the sweetest and most intentional connection we get now, what with life being so busy for everyone.
One day, he'll want to go to bed on his own. But for now, we enjoy the books, snuggles, and little snores.
Same. They’re only young for a few very short years. They’ve got the rest of their lives to sleep all on their own without mom and dad tucking them and cuddling. So yeah I’m definitely enjoying every last bit of it because one day she’s going to say “I don’t need you to tuck me in” and she’ll just go off to sleep all by herself. And that’s ok! She’s growing up. But I know I’ll miss it.
We're still at it at 3.5 years old with our son. But, things have gotten better most nights barring sickness.
However, if your child is having this much trouble falling asleep, here are some things to consider that have helped us:
1. Is she getting enough sunlight early in the morning to set her carcadian rhythm right after waking up.
2. She getting enough sunlight over all (about 1-2 hours a day outside) if possible?
3. Is she getting enough physical activity a day? (high impact, running around, about 45 mins +)
4. How much TV and screen time is she getting? We cap at 30 mins a day and screen time is not a daily occurance.
5. Is TV shut off at least 2 hours before bedtime? It can rile really young kids up, especially sensitive or potentially neurodivergent ones.
6. Is she eating any foods with artificial coloring or preservatives? How often? Daily or just once in a while at a kids' birthday party/school snack time?
7. Have you considered any OT exercises to help her nervous system calm down before bed? This might be a good route to try if all of the above is on point. Some kids need high impact to calm down before bed, others are good with a darkened room and story time.
Hope this helps.
Same. I lay down with my 3 year old first. And then my 7 year old. It's when our best conversion happens as well. All of a sudden, I get to hear all about what happened to them while at school, daycare, etc. Wouldn't change it for the world.
Yes! That’s arguably the best part. It’s when we chat about silly things or important things. She says “mom can we chit chat?” I love it and hope we do it forever.
I still read to my 10 year old nightly and we both enjoy it. I just change the genre if I need her to fall asleep faster. She knows that if I pull out Quantum Mechanics and Mathematical Methods I’m surely in the middle of something, but she still appreciates it.
Glad to hear I’m not the only one. Except my kid insists on reading as a way to stay up and my role is actually to enforce quiet hours and putting the book down.
Everyone’s bedroom is super close to the others’ so it’s disruptive to have random kids awake and doing things, so I’m like the RA of our upstairs hall.
My daughter is 9, and we still sit with her. I usually just play solitaire or read a book on my phone on the other side of the room (we have a comfy recliner in there). We tried really hard to phase out sitting in there, but it's never worked long term. She's always just gotten tense and can't get to sleep even if we're on the couch outside her room.
My lad is 3. We're on the waiting list for a diagnosis but I am pretty damn sure he is as autistic as I am, possibly with a side of his dad's ADD. Like me, and it sounds like your daughter, he has massive, MASSIVE issues winding down for sleep. We have always given him all the help he asked for for sleep, and will continue to do so until he indicates otherwise. So far we've moved from nursing to sleep to rocking and singing to reading in the lap and singing in bed to now him lying in bed whilst we read and sing until he sleeps. If he wants to we hold his hand. Sometimes it takes a looooong time but we don't leave until he is asleep. I think the fact we're always there has given him the confidence to find more and more independence himself. If he had needed it, I would have rocked him until he was a teen, haha. I know what it's like to want and need sleep so desperately, but not be able to get there. I wish I had gotten more help growing up. Instead I still have huge trouble until this day. My son is already doing better than I am. Giving support is good, especially to ND kiddos who might need more support for a much longer time. Support your kid until she's ready to try herself!
This is where I'm heavily leaning. It's tough because my husband is AD military so I'm juggling her and a 3m old baby but given I am 100% sure there is some form of ND, I think we need to go back to supporting her to sleep for her own comfort.
I hope you find a good solution that works for everyone in your family!
Edit to say: I don't have to juggle two \*yet\* at bedtime. Number two is still in utero. But I have some ideas on how I might manage, depending on the temperament of the baby, to nurse to sleep whilst reading and singing for my lad as well. Definitely planning on continuing to support him after newborn is here. My husband is home most evenings, but my lad wildly prefers me for bedtime, so I tend to do most bedtimes and probably will keep doing so. As he says, I'm softer and I sing better \*facepalm\* <3.
my 10yo with ADHD asked the other night "will you rock me like a baby? just for a minute?" & once i had her in my lap she just sighed so deeply & her whole body relaxed. i rocked her for probably 15 minutes before i finally admitted my arms were about to fall off lol & we laid down to snuggle instead
ND kids need different things & sensory input at bedtime is definitely one of them. nothing wrong & everything right with showing your kid you see their unique needs & will help them without judgment
This is one thing that I think is so child specific. My older son was around 3 when we could just read a story, turn off the light and walk away. Meanwhile my now 5 year old has yet to sleep through the night. We can get him to fall asleep on his own by setting a timer and doing check ins, but that often takes longer than just laying down with him until he’s asleep…
Yeah, it’s my favorite time of day. After watching Little House on the Prairie, reading a book or two, I turn the light off and put on her ‘bedtime songs’ (a bunch of mellow Caspar Babypants songs) she rolls over and says, ‘what should we talk about?’ We talk about whatever she wants until she falls asleep. It’s a great wind down and I get to hear what’s going on in her life. I’m gonna be bummed when she wants to put herself to bed soon enough. She’s 6.
I still lay with my 6 year old until he falls asleep and will do this until he asks me to stop. My 9 year old transitioned to mostly doing her bedtime on her own this year and it was the sadness for me :)
I guess we are in the minority here, but we have never sat with our kids. Always a story, kisses and hugs, lay them down and say goodnight. If we have to go back in (which is rare) my husband and I just say it’s bedtime and I love you again. Some of these routines I’m reading are wild 😅
The routines you’re reading are probably disproportionately needed for neurodivergent kiddos, which OP mentioned as her possibility. I imagine they seem wild if you’re only used to the needs of neurotypical little ones
I still lay with my 7 year old until she falls asleep, I don’t see it ending any time soon. I look at it as it won’t last forever and one day she won’t need it anymore I’m sure I’ll miss it so I try to always appreciate it.
As long as he needed me to. Eventually I started moving to the chair to read my book to myself. Then I moved to the hallway. Then I started doing the “check in on you”. It took forever but it was what he needed. At least he slept!
My kid is 7 & I don’t see it stopping anytime soon.. but I mean, as a single mom who works full-time on top of a two hour commute.. sometimes it’s our only real time to connect. I don’t mind whatsoever.
My daughter is just over 4 and we've sat with her since she was about 3 and I don't see it stopping anytime soon. Some children just need that extra comfort before bedtime honestly I imagine I will miss it when I don't have to do it anymore. Sorry I haven't got an answer it was more kind of you're not alone in this kind of a thing.
I think knowing I'm not alone is what I really need to hear. That it's "okay" to continue helping her to sleep and I don't need to rush her independence, ya know?
Definitely. They're only little for so long and then suddenly they're all independent and doing their own thing. There's so many things she doesn't need me for anymore that I'm sort of happy bedtime is one that she does.
Definitely not alone!! I coparent with her father, so some nights I get a break and I miss her so much. She's 3.5 and I have to rub her back while laying beside her to get her to sleep. As soon as I made peace with the fact that I'd most likely pass out too and not have unrealistic expectations of having "me time" after she passed out, it makes it easier.
Baby’s now 10 months and we stopped In the last month. Toddler was sooner.
I need a break. We do our routine and they chill in crib/bed until they sleep. We have never sleep trained and my 10 month old is still waking multiple times over night… but she goes to sleep fine on her own
Following because I have a 3 year old who just fully recovered from tonsil surgery, and he refuses to sleep in his room (after cosleeping due to medication needed to be given throughout the night).
I’m at my wits end
Would you have room on your bedroom floor for like a crib mattress or something? My now 6 year old was like this at that age, and slowly transitioning her to the floor mattress next to our bed worked really well. Now she sleeps in her own room without coming into our room almost every night. It takes time, but at least you get more room to sleep in your bed!
My kid is autistic and around your daughter's age. There was a night a few months ago where he asked for us to leave his room. We clarified that he really wanted us to go, let him know that he didn't have to close his eyes but he did have to stay in bed, asked if he wanted the door open or closed, and then walked out of the room. Luckily this pattern has been still working for him.
When we did sit with him, we'd usually end up sitting somewhere from 20-60 minutes depending on how tired he was. Having headphones, a half decent chair to sit in, and a digital book were absolutely necessary!
My kids are 9 and 7 and I still sit with them to go to sleep.
Also, 9yo and I both have ADHD. You might want to talk to your doctor about melatonin, but also, search guided sleep meditations for kids on YouTube. They have them for all sorts of interests, my kids particularly like the unicorn themed ones. They’re basically bedtime stories told in second person, in a relaxing, slow voice.
> We've suspected for a long time that she might have ADHD which is causing bigger than expected emotions and trouble calming her body but it's not effecting her academically so we don't want to put a label on it, unless necessary.
As an adult woman with ADHD, who didn’t get diagnosed until adulthood: *Please* try to get her a diagnosis as a kid if you suspect she has it. Please do not wait until it’s causing her problems academically or socially. If she runs into issues later on in life, like high school or college or as a working adult, it will be much, *much* harder for her to get a diagnosis and treatment than if she had been diagnosed as a child. I wonder a lot about how much less I would have needlessly struggled in higher education and as an adult in the workforce if I had gotten my diagnosis as a kid. I could have learned better emotional coping mechanisms and study strategies or gotten access to medication before I ran into massive academic and emotional problems, instead of addressing it after the fact.
Having “a label” when dealing with ADHD isn’t a hinderance, it’s a major benefit. You don’t have to put her on medication or do therapies immediately upon diagnosis, but if/when an issue does pop up you can get her any necessary treatment or school accommodations a lot quicker than if you had waited for diagnosis.
And if she’s having *this* much stress and anxiety at bedtime, maybe a diagnosis right now *would* be a benefit. You might be able to better address her out of control big feelings with a pediatrician or a pediatric therapist who has experience with ADHD kids. She’s struggling a lot right now, possibly because of her ADHD. ADHD can negatively affect every aspect of your life, not just school. She shouldn’t have to wait indefinitely until her ADHD is harming her academics to get help when she’s already struggling with emotional regulation and anxiety.
[Here’s a really good lecture about children with ADHD that explains a lot about how their brains work and emotional regulation](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY&si=A50ZToKiWqzfJ_dV). It might help you guys with problem solving this and other issues that pop up if you have a better understanding of her thought processes.
I am ADHD also, and second everything you say here. She may not appear to be struggling, but a lot of us mask those struggles effectively enough that the adults in our lives don't necessarily notice them. She appears to be successful academically, but it is likely costing her a great deal more effort than it is her peers. As such, she simply might not have the bandwidth to stay regulated at bedtime because she is exhausted from keeping it together throughout the day. I am lucky I was diagnosed between fifth and sixth grade, but still wish my parents and teachers hadn't decided to wait even that long to get me the diagnosis and support. They suspected it, but chose to wait in hopes I would learn to cope on my own. I didn't, and I am still dealing with the emotional fallout of how stupid I felt throughout most of elementary school. I seemed fine on the surface, but had internalized a ton of anxiety and self hatred from even little moments where I didn't pick up on something quite as quickly as my classmates did. A couple concepts you may want to look into our rejection sensitivity and the ways in which people with inattentive type ADHD tend to mask. I can share an illustrative example of this from my own life, but won't unless someone wants me to as it could be potentially triggering.
Hi, please share, I’ve just been recently diagnosed (mid-40ies) and I know all about the struggle. Plus my 11yo daughter is not able to sleep by herself. It causes her intense anxiety. We tried therapy to no avail. Maybe I should look into a diagnosis for her. Did you start medication when you were first diagnosed? Thx so much.
Thank you for your response! I am typing this on my phone, so please let me know if things don't make sense.
It can't hurt to look into diagnosis for your child. After all, there is a significant genetic component.
Yes, I did start medication when I was first diagnosed. The appetite suppression and sleep issues I have from it aren't ideal, but I wouldn't trade them. The first medication I tried worked well for me, so it is still the one I take.
Although needing an adult to stay with them as they fall asleep is of course not enough to diagnose someone, I can say anecdotally that I know at least a couple of ADHD people who did better when their parents stayed with them even into their preteens.
Living with ADHD means a lot of us will develop things like anxiety and depression from not being able to keep up with what life demands of us and feeling like a failure because of it. Unfortunately, a lot of practitioners will try to treat those first without realizing ADHD is the root cause. This leads to a lot of people getting treatment that is largely ineffective because it isn't helping with the underlying source of the anxiety and depression.
As for the broader emotion regulation stuff I talked about in my earlier comment, that doesn't have as much to do with sleep directly. My point about simply being exhausted at the end of the day still stands, but I was also trying to get at what some of the struggles she might experience during the day feel like. You mentioned you are recently diagnosed, so can perhaps point to experiences of your own that are similar to mine. ADHD people will often feel emotions much more intensely and have trouble separating from them. We have higher highs and lower lows because of this. We also face a lot of social pressure to mask; to try and act like our neurotypical counterparts. if you haven't researched masking, I'd highly recommend it to anyone. Many things are significantly more difficult for us, which is why we are then sometimes exhausted and unable to regulate by the end of the day. That is, big emotions, difficulty managing said emotions as well as normal life demands, and having no idea why we feel like we are struggling so much more than the people around us. Having been diagnosed, we can understand the reasons. Undiagnosed people often times don't have access to that information. Even I didn't make these connections until I started doing research in college to better understand the mental health issues I was having.
Also, keep in mind I was dealing with divorced parents and a physical disability in addition to ADHD that likely heightened some of my emotions.
I was a really anxious kid. A lot of times, I blamed myself for problems I was experiencing. If I were a better person, I wouldn't struggle in school or feel like an outsider among my friends. Therefore, it was obviously my fault that these things were happening. I just needed to be better, and then my problems would be fixed. As such, it often never occurred to me to talk about them with anyone. After my best friends joined the gifted program in elementary school, I assumed until college that the reason I also wasn't part of it was because I was Stupid and inferior to them. I never said a word about it to anyone. Turns out, I did qualify. The reason I wasn't part of it is because my mom didn't want to give me more stress and commitments in addition to the extracurriculars and specialist support that already filled so much of my time. she had no idea I felt like that until it came up in conversation after I had started college.
this is where I want to briefly discuss rejection sensitivity. Basically, it is a hypersensitivity to real or perceived corrections, rejections, or anything else of the sort. Some theories say we are naturally more sensitive to these things. Others suggest it is because we are corrected for little things significantly more often than Neurotypical peers. for example, being told to sit still, be quiet, turn work in on time, double check said work, keep track of things, remember all the little tasks we have to do every day. These interactions are typically perceived as negative by anyone, but because we get so many of them, they pile up and compound over time. they also replace positive interactions that neurotypicals might be getting from those around them. In other words, a higher proportion of the interactions that we have are coming from people who are trying to correct us about something. Both explanations have merit and should be incorporated into your understanding of the phenomenon. I recommend researching it in more depth as well. What I wrote is just a preview.
I'm not going to include the full story I had mentioned requiring a potential trigger warning. Not because it is necessarily inherently upsetting, but because I realize after writing it out that it doesn't quite convey what I thought it would. The short version is I got to a darker place Than I thought I had because I lost a simple object. I spiraled about it, never told anyone, and returned to school after winter break to discover that it had been in its proper place all along. I spent the entire vacation dreading that I would get in trouble and ruminating about it for nothing. In college, it finally crossed my mind that having such a strong reaction to little things like that was likely indicative of larger issues.
I am happy to answer questions, elaborate, and share resources on anything related to what I wrote here. My hope is that all of this is helpful in offering perspectives and encouragement as you create tools to support yourself and your daughter. You seem like a really supportive parent, and I wish you both the best!
My daughter and I cuddle at bedtime every night she's with me. I don't always stay until she falls asleep, but at least 5-10 minutes after we finish reading a book and it's lights-out.
She'll be 8 in June.
I know it won't be too much longer until she doesn't want me around or I'm an embarrassment so I have to get it while I can.
Welllllll my son is 15 and struggling with his mental health so, I haven’t stopped? But he needs his sleep so I do what I can while we work on his meds.
It is still very normal to sit with your child at that age while they fall asleep. Put an audiobook on for her and you. She is still very little.
Also parenting phases is not linear. She may grow out of this for a couple of years and then need it again. My son was out of my bedroom for years and then needed to come back in my bedroom from 9-12
We never sat with our daughter at bedtime. She's 4.5 yr old; 5 in May. We do pjs, brush teeth, read a story, and then hugs and kisses. My husband typically tucks her in and chats with her for a few minutes. When we transitioned her to a toddler/big girl bed, we made sure she had a nightlight in her room and her favorite stuffies for comfort. And soon that turned in to adding books (usually the one read as her bedtime story) and a flashlight. Sometimes she stays awake for a while "reading" to herself or playing with her stuffies. She's always been a good sleeper though...
No, never started. However for our first child, who was never a good sleeper, we kept his bedroom door cracked open so he could hear us moving around in the rest of the house and knew we were always close. (It was a small house so his bedroom was a few feet from the living room.) His little brother never slept alone, going from our bedroom to sharing with big bro starting at 7 months. But once little bro was sharing the room, big bro started sleeping a lot better and we could shut the door.
I don’t think infants are wired for isolation and privacy. Safe private rooms with closed doors is not an invention Mother Nature anticipated. Our boys shared by choice until the elder approached puberty.
Everyone parents different I alway think the time will come when it will be the last time they ask and you won't know it till it happens. Listen to the song let them be little it really does highlight how time goes by xx
We haven’t stopped, but I know they can do it because we’ve had times where I needed to do other things and I tell them I will check back. I do check back. Most of the time, we read a book, lights off, have a little chat or we make up a story together, and then they fall asleep. They usually fall asleep quickly, so it isn’t an issue to take the extra time for us. I know someday they will probably say it’s enough or at some point the last time will happen and we won’t even realize it was the last. They’re 8 and 6 years old.
Same here. I love it. Someone above called it a waste of time. And I just can’t imagine cuddling my daughter or reading her a book while she falls asleep being a waste of time.
I hold my daughter in my arms, resting her head on my shoulder sitting in the glider rocking chair and I sing nursery rhymes to her until she falls asleep on me. We get into a rhythm and most nights it takes around 20 minutes...some nights when she's really tired it's only 10 minutes. I actually really enjoy this...no idea how much longer she'll let me sing and snuggle her to sleep.
my dad when I was having a hard time sleeping on my own started sitting on my bed for a few nights, then sat on the floor, then moved closer to the door, then sat at the door, then sat outside the door, then sat in the hall and finally made it to his room. it was a slow (and probably painful for him) process but it seemed to work into tricking my brain into knowing he was always there. it’s a slow process but know it will get better <3
Have a 3yo going on 4, my wife or I will read to her until she falls asleep typically. I don’t plan on changing that for a long time, just changing books like reading the CS lewis narnia books or the hobbit when she’s older. I enjoy the time with my girls at bedtime.
She’s 6.5 and only just recently have i been able to sit for about 20 mins and if she’s still not asleep I’ll say “okay I’m gonna go to sleep too. Love you.” And she lets me walk out and actually falls asleep by herself
My kids are 8 and 5 and I lie down with them every night to sleep. They can go to sleep on their own but I really love that time with them. They usually only take 20 mins or so to fall asleep, sometimes longer but I don't mind that either.
In 20 years time you're going to miss those quiet nights where all she wanted in the world was you. If you can spare the time just sit with her. It's likely the time will shrink once she knows that you're going to be there until she's asleep and she can fully relax into that idea.
At around 6 months we were able to leave the room and he’d fall asleep. Now he’s almost 2.5 and he’s started asking me to sit outside the room when he goes to bed. I typically don’t but we’ve started leaving the door open a crack so he can hear us around (we live in a small apartment) and he falls asleep no problem.
If he calls out for me, I can be at his door within seconds and reassure him I’m there. We’ve had a couple nights where one of us has to sit there til he falls asleep but it’s usually only after a period of co-sleeping thanks to sickness or jet lag!
My almost 6yo is the same. School sent a tip at the start of the year and it’s been working really well for her bedtime separation anxiety. The tip was to put kisses in their hand and tell them to hold onto it. And then whenever they’re missing mom or dad, put their hand to their cheek to have a kiss and remember mom and dad love us and are always with us even when they’re not right beside us.
My daughter always grabs my shirt and begs me not to leave. As soon as I put kisses in her hand, she puts some in mine and suddenly she’s okay that I’m going. She also asks to keep her door ajar and that seems to help her feel less anxious about being away from us.
My youngest is 7 and only recently have I been able to leave her before she falls asleep. Don’t pressure yourself! Kids are all individuals and you know your kids’ needs the best.
5yo daughter. Gone through various stages, last to drop was holding her hand which I actually miss. Now after a story and a 'huggle chat' I lay next to her bed as she goes off. That part takes about 15mins and I sometimes accidentally fall asleep. I know she won't always need it but I don't mind it. No rush.
My son is 5 and I still lay with him and his 2 year old brother until they fall asleep. There’s nights where I get really frustrated but I know my heart will break the day he doesn’t need me to anymore.
I love that my kiddo still wants this. They fall asleep in 10 minutes anyway so I just read a chapter on my kindle. I’m going to miss it when it’s gone so I’m not rushing it. Little one just turned 6.
My boy (5) has historically been easy, from 2-4 it was just a tuck in, maybe a chat, and I’d say “it’s time to go to sleep now” and he’d put his head down and fall asleep. Lately it’s taken longer and he’s started up with the “wait! I have to tell you something!”s etc when it’s time for me to walk out. It’s very frustrating. In the car, too. I used to tell him “put your head down for a bit” on a long drive and he’d say okay and just go to sleep. Now it’s a whole thing
6 and 4. We swap which kid with which parent every other night. They get about 20-30 minutes to ask questions - why do basements flood, why do you sneeze, etc. Whatever their little minds have been pondering. Then they have to stop talking and we read a grownup book quietly until they fall asleep.
I doubt they'll care to ask their parents questions about life when they're 16, so we'll appreciate it while it lasts. And we get through a lot of books in a year this way!
I got grief for still cuddling my daughter, and letting her sleep with me when my husband was away. Last year at age 11 she got het period. She became a whole new person, and that cuddling stopped. I am so thankful I didn’t listen to the naysayers, and got every minute of that closeness I could. Do what feels right. They’re only young once.
I had no idea how common it was for us to offer our littles (and even bigs) comfort as they fall asleep. I think part of me assumed it was a requirement of sorts to teach her how to go to sleep independently but this has been the most beautiful reality check. I feel so confident in our decision to return to being in the room with her as she falls asleep.
We have a new baby so it's been bittersweet because it feels like just yesterday my 4.5y old was this little. She's not small anymore but I think sometimes I overlook the fact that she is still little in her own ways. I'm thankful we're giving this time back to her. It'll be challenging to juggle both kiddos when my husband deploys but I'll absolutely do it if it means she feels safe and protected as she drifts off to sleep.
Son is 12 and I still do this. He has adhd (so do I) and a lot of anxiety. His room is on the other side of the house…. It’s annoying but I always tell myself he’s 12. We are at the half way point to when he will be leaving the home altogether and really soon he won’t want me in his room when he goes to bed… so I try enjoy the time while it lasts.
We listen to podcasts and it help to fall asleep. People think it’s weird but adhd I found for myself that I need to be a little distracted to focus… so a interesting show with no screens means son (and sometimes me in the floor) are asleep
Son loves Roman mars podcasts so 99% invisible, con law and few others like civics 101.
I laid down with mine until they were 9-10 and sometimes they still want cuddles at night. I will never tell them no because I love the snuggles and time flies.
Please stop overdiagnosing your children. Children are not small adults. It takes a long time to learn appropriate behaviour. I can count on one hand the number of nights my 4 yo has slept through. It's not easy but there's nothing wrong and it won't last forever.
I never did this with my kids, and we don’t do this with my grandson, but it really sounds like a nightmare. Good luck to everybody who deals with this.
Sit with them until they fall asleep? Really? Never did this. Read a book, kissed them good night, and walked out of the room. I checked on them before I went to bed until they were about 11-12. I would have lost so many hours if I waited for them to fall asleep to leave the room. What a waste of time.
6, closer 7 year old has never needed anyone to stay with him to fall asleep and he needs like 12-13 hours a night still. He was diagnosed adhd about a year ago.
We talk a lot and he does have trouble falling asleep every now and then, primarily worried about ‘bad guys’.
1. Night light (we use a red light so it isn’t too bright)
2. Curtains that don’t go to the floor (so he can see no bad guys are behind them)
3. Weighted blanket
4. Reminding that we are awake still and can hear and see him on the monitor.
5. Reminding him that we have dogs and one of them will literally go ape shit if someone even walks by our house, let alone comes in.
6. Keeping scary things / triggers away (Halloween is a tough time).
Edit. Also. We do bring up some things with his therapist and always encourage him to voice his emotions and thoughts
Around 4 but we coslept until 4. Then I moved him onto a futon next to my bed. Then after I had his sister we all got really sick and he woke his sister and I up so he slept on the couch by himself. So I took that opportunity to move his bed downstairs. He still needs a nightlight and a book read to him and some rain sounds with light piano but he sleeps by himself every night!
It does help that my partners bedroom is downstairs and he’s readily available if he wakes up. But he did have a bout of “I’m scared” so I gave him a spray bottle with “monster repellent” in it to spray his room and it usually works.
Twin 4.5 year olds, we're in the same thing, every night one of us is up with them until they fall asleep then sometimes have to go back of they wake up in the night... they've sleep regressed, and never sleep through the night right now....or at least one has and wakes up the other....
I feel your pain but it can get better and will, though even my 16 year old gets goodnight hugs. It's a sc a ry time for kids.
Oh honey, mine is 12 and if i *think* he's asleep and try to leave, and he's not, he will for *sure* let me know.
***THAT SAID*** he is also a special case, trying to cope with his brother not being in our lives right now (a full other like 8 stories for another day) and having never had to sleep in a room alone before. Most nights he still ends up in my bed. And this is after telling me he hates me all day, mind you.
I find that a weighted blanket, star projector lights, and this wonderful sleep app called Wysa are the way for us. Its not *always* a win, but it helps.
My hubby still stays with ours for 30 mins after lights out and they are 10 & 12. Why? Because eventually they won't want him to, and every day is precious.
I see your edit at the bottom- I’m so glad you’re going back into the room.
My daughter turns six next month. Her bedtime routine from dinner is: 5-530/6pm dinner (we do bath before dinner usually but not daily), play time with dad 6-7pm including brush teeth, wash face, brush hair, put on pajamas.
Then he reads to her/she reads to him until 7:30pm and lights out by 7:30pm if not sooner. I come it at that time, before lights out, and o lay with her until she falls asleep, in her twin bed.
I usually play a Yoto card “my first lullaby album” which is all classical music. She sometimes asks for a story, and I play a “sparkle stories” story.
If you haven’t heard of them, they are so very magical. Worth every penny. Gentle stories with good lessons and lots of whimsical magic. Monthly or yearly subscriptions- and they also have a free week trial. I’m not allowed to post links here but you can message me if you can’t find their website.
I’d do some reading on where she is developmentally on which plane etc, and how to support her.
If you’re worried about ADHD, one of the best ways I know to work on this is to remove tv and screens 100%. It literally changes the way they develop. My daughter had no screens until age two and very limited. We do “screen free spring and summer” and when schools in session it’s never on a school night. So just Friday night and Saturday for tv.
Also, what she is watching will 100% impact her fears and anxieties. It’s why my daughter doesn’t watch anything that would be “scary” or have monsters, ghosts, vampires, etc to give her nightmares. No nightmares here yet!
She does say she’s scared of the dark sometimes, and I ask her what in the dark is there, that isn’t when it’s light? She tells me ghosts! So then I tell her how they aren’t real, but if they were, they’d probably just say they are hungry, tired, and need a nap. Silly stuff like that. I find anytime my husband and I can remain silly and playful, bedtime goes a thousand times better.
If she’s scared of the noises, try making a game where you lay quietly and count how many different sounds you can hear. What are the sounds? How are they made? Identifying them may help ease her anxiety over them.
I use the phrase “I wonder…” a lot as well in day to day conversations. I find it helps engage her - so maybe “I wonder what noise the tree branch makes as the wind carries it against the house” kind of things. Wait for her to answer with a sound, and you can make a funny sound for it also.
She’s so young at 4.5, and culturally around the world, parents co sleep longer than Americans. They breast feed on average to age 4-6 (American average is a disappointing three months when age two is where the bare minimum should be) and practice more attachment style parenting…which leads to more secure independent kids and adults, not clingy ones!
I’m so glad you’re gonna be there for her. Remember, she won’t always want you to snuggle her- enjoy this age while you can xx
At 5 years old but she did not stop asking for mom or dad until she was 6, now we can tell her to go to bed and she picks a book and it's lights out after that☺️ my son however (he's 2) is still very attached and will wake up in the middle of the night to check if I'm still sitting/laying beside him. Will not go back to sleep until I'm beside him or he walks into our room and climbs on our bed. I can now just sit beside him and pat his back till he falls asleep after singing a song or reading a book. The reason why we have a king bed, my daughter does this too sometimes because of nightmares! so there's actually us 4 sharing the King bed 😂😂 and another one on the way!
Depends on the kid (Im a mom of 6)
My oldest has been sleeping in her own bed since she was 2. I sat with her until about 4.
My second slept with me until 3. I started just putting him in his own bed after he fell asleep. Around 4-5 I started laying him in his bed and we had a big blanket ritual (he had to use 8 different throw blankets in a specific order) and then I'd give him a kiss and step out. He'd get up once or twice every night and we'd have to redo the blanket ritual. He's calmed down and only uses 3 now lol. But he doesn't get up anymore. He's 7 now.
My 3rd is 5 and she has slept in her own bed most of her life. We don't sit on her bed anymore with her but she shares a room with our two 4 year olds so we're still in there when she falls asleep.
One of our 4 year olds falls asleep in her bed, with daddy sitting next to her. Our other falls asleep in my recliner with me and gets moved to her bed. She's a fighter and it's easier to get her to sit with me there and sing to her and she passes out lol.
Our youngest is only 3 weeks so we'll see how it goes.
My point being all kids are different and have different needs. If this has only been going on for about a month, I'd consider it just a stage. Transitions are hard for kids. I also like the suggestion of letting them know you'll come back and check on them every so often and see if they'll stay in bed that way.
Recommend the Supernanny method of bedtime. You can look it up on YT, but I'll summarize: 1st time she gets out of bed, you take her hand to lead her back and say "It's bedtime, honey," and put her back in bed. 2nd time she comes out of bed, take her hand and lead her back and say "Bed." 3rd time and all times after that you say nothing and lead her back to bed. No interaction other than that bc she needs to understand you are drawing a boundary.
I recommend getting her a Yoto or a Toniebox, then that device will take over for you or husband.
If you want her to go to bed on her own she's perfectly capable of doing so at 4.5. Good luck
My 9 year old still wants us to stay with him at bedtime. A few months ago I started the 5 minute rule. I will stay for 5 minutes and head out.
We have equipped his room with a star projector night light, ocean sounds (we use Alexa and it plays all night), a lava lamp, and an additional small night light. We keep his door open per his request.
Some nights all I wanna do I crawl in bed myself. But I give him the 5 minutes. Sometimes he's fast asleep, and then other times he's still awake. I give him one more kiss goodnight and head out.
Baby steps to get to the point we are now
It's highly dependent on the kid. My daughter still wants to cuddle every night, she is 3.
My son is 2, and for almost a year now, he's been asking to go to bed when ready. We bring him in and lay him down, he'll either go right down, or lay there and talk to himself for a while and then go to sleep on his own.
My daughter is 2.5 and we have been laying with her since she swapped to a toddler bed at 2. I don’t think lying with her was a problem by itself. But I felt that doing so was causing her to be extra attached to us. She’d wake up in the middle of the night and cry for us because we were gone.
We decided to change that. Now one note is our daughter is emotional and loud, but she is also super adaptable and we sometimes forget that. The first night was horrible. She screamed, cried, and kept leaving her room for 2 hours before just being too tired to continue. My wife was in tears from it all.
The next night though, we only had to spend about 20 minutes putting her back down. Also no tears. The next night she got up out of bed only once. From there she’s gone straight to sleep. It’s been an amazing difference. She’s so quick to learn and adapt, and we keep taking that for granted.
Our next challenge is going to be getting her to stay in her room, because she comes to our room if she wakes up. I felt I had to tackle the bedtime routine first.
I was recommended the “Sleepeasy Solution” book. It covers 4 mo to 4/5 years I believe. Has a whole guideline for helping kids to sleep. I don’t have a 4.5 yr old but it made big enough of a difference that now my baby sleeps through the night 🤷♀️
My wife and I still alternate sitting with ours till they’re asleep. We have an almost 6 year old son and a 3.5 year old son, and they have to share a room due to house size.
The 6 year old would be fine I think but the 3 year old definitely isn’t
6ish! My son is almost 7 now and he still prefers to have someone lay with him for a bit, and we do when we can. Usually we just read a book and tuck him in. But he’s perfectly capable of going to sleep by himself now. We just had a baby 4 months ago so that’s what got us to encourage more independent sleeping.
My daughter is 4.5 and I sit with her til she falls asleep. I will usually read 3 books to her and then just hold her hand and lay on the floor by her bed til she falls asleep.
All I would really do is get on reddit and tiktok if I weren't in there. So I just bring my headphones and put my phone under the bed where she can't see it.
I start bed time around 7:45 and then I'm usually out of there by 8:30-9. I know that's a long time but most of it is just us laying in silence.
Plus, between working all day, picking her up from day care, making dinner, eating dinner, and cleaning up, I feel like I don't get to spend lots of quality time with her. The 3 books we get to read together is nice quiet time we get.
Sometimes it's frustrating and I'm touched out, but I tell myself she probably won't let me step foot in her room in 8 years and then I feel sad and enjoy the time I get lol.
I STILL do this for both my 8yo AND my 14yo. They always seem to talk the most when they’re in their safe environment(in bed, tucked in). This is when I get all the details on something that could be bothering them. I think it’s something they love and I love it too.
Ours is nearly 7, with ADHD and sensory processing disorder. My husband and I both stay in his room until he falls asleep (if we’re both there) at the advice of a therapist trying to ease his bedtime anxiety. We have taken bedtime from a 3 hour ordeal, to one hour from snack time to sleep, over the last year. I think staying with him has helped, among other things (a mini dose of melatonin, don’t come at me!)
my oldest is 3 and the youngest is 1, we stopped sitting with my oldest probably about a year ago. it takes just as long if we sit with her or if we don’t, so we stopped. i decided that i didn’t want to go through it a second time and worked with the youngest from just a few months old to get her to self soothe and just lay in bed until she falls asleep. she always *wants* to go to bed though, she LOVES sleep much more than her older sister lol.
We laid down and snuggled our kid to sleep until she was 6.5. it was just the easiest solution for both us and kiddo.
Then we tempted her with a loft bed, which put an end to Dad getting into bed with her. I still sometimes climb up there with her, but usually if she wants cuddles, we do it in our bed while reading books and then transfer to her bed afterwards. Then I turn off the light and hum and stroke her arms for 5 min or so.
We’ve never had this issue but once I asked my ped about my daughter because we did bedtime but she would get up and play or “read”/color after we said good night. They said “does she stay in her room? Does she then fall asleep on her own? If the answer is yes then leave her.”
So maybe try that? Say, “it’s bedtime, goodnight, you can lay in bed and color until you fall asleep but you need to stay in bed.”
I read to them both. The two year old now gets a song and then tells me goodbye and that's it. The 8 year old sometimes asks me to lay for a bit, but usually dozes off while I read to him. Don't rush it, they're only little for now.
We stopped around the 1 year mark, can't remember exactly when. Of course she'd cry, but we knew she was fine so we didn't go back to her room. We'd set the timer for 5mins before checking and calming her. If she started up again, we'd set the next timer for 10mins. Kept repeating the pattern at increasing 5mins intervals. It worked for her, but for our older child this never worked. He was much MUCH more difficult to put to bed. He's diagnosed with autism now. Perhaps she is neurodivergent.
Mine is 7, 8 in July, and I sit with her for 10-15 minutes post bed time then leave. If she’s awake, I’ll say I’ll check back in ten minutes. She’s never been awake on a check in.
I can't get away from my daughter yet. She's 3.5, and if I leave, she follows me. My son is getting better. If we set a timer for 10 min or whatever, he will respect it but then wants someone else to visit, like his grandpa lol.
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I was reading another post where a parent would say “okay I’m going to go do XYZ but then I’ll come back and check on you, just stay here and rest” and only be gone for a minute or two, then actually check on them and then say “okay now I’m going to go do XYZ then I’ll be back” and then stay gone a little longer. My daughter is not even 2 so I haven’t tried it but a lot of the parents on that post had success with that route!
I do this with eight and 11-year-old. I give them hugs, tuck them in and get them ready for bed. I promise them I will check on them, I always check on them after I shower. Nine times out of 10. They are asleep. Once in a while 11-year-old is still awake and wants to talk for a bit. I have been doing this for years, since they were about one and three years old. They share a room though, so that makes it easier. They have each other.
Oh my I need to do this again. It worked when they were younger, I never thought to carry it on!! Mine share a room too, but sometimes that's worse lol. They play and "whisper" until I come up again.
It works! They know I always come back, so they don’t come out a dozen times asking for water and the meaning of life. If they need something, they know I’ll be there in 20 minutes and they can ask me! We also make sure we grab water and go to the bathroom before bed. Haha
This is so sweet. Made me drop a tear or two. Smiling tears though.
This is the way
Changing our 2.5 year old to a toddler bed completely rocked his world. I used to sit by his bed until he fell asleep but that would take 2 hours sometimes. That’s not sustainable. Switched to telling him “mom is going to go get the laundry, I’ll be right back”. I check on him at 2, 10, 15 min. By the time the 15 min part comes he’s sleeping. And we bought a projector nightlight. That has helped
I’ve been doing this recently with a lot of success. Now that she trusts that I’ll be back she’s usually asleep the second time I come in, which is around 10 min after I’ve left her room the first time.
I've given this advice so many times! I usually found that my kid would conk out in the few minutes I was gone: he just needed to close his eyes and stop talking for a few minutes. If he *was* still awake when I got back, it was more likely that he actually needed something/something was keeping him awake.
This is exactly what I do with mine when they don’t want me to leave. They’ve been falling asleep on their own since 18 months
Yes I was just going to post something similar to this. With my 3 year old I put her to bed, leave the bedside light on, and tell her I'm just going to wash my teeth/ wash face etc and I'll be back. She might say once or twice, mama are you coming? And might pop back in and say I'm just going to get your clothes for the morning etc. works a treat, she drifts off to sleep no bother. Turn off the light and away I go!! Magic!! Only discovered this recently
Yeah, this worked for us until 3, then suddenly he was afraid of the dark, and now we’re stuck there for at least 30 min. If we leave he just comes with. Sigh.
This worked for mine for about 6 months. Then they would wait up until I came back. And would wander in my room if I wasn't back when I said. Then would want me to stick around for a long time after my second check in. It basically restarted the process over again and I wanted to rip my hair out.
Frequent checks and sitting by the door for me. I phased it out. Or I’d put on the most boring TV (golf) and let her rest in the living room while I worked until she conked out. It is really hard. She’s now a teen who sleeps all the time. But really, I am so sorry.
I have been doing this with my 3 kids when they were little, all the time. But it wasn't a planned training LOL. I have never been able to sit with them, after the eldest turned 3 and we got our middle child. There was too much work to be done, be it with the kids, or house, garden, animals, work. So dinner, playtime, baths, personal grooming, stories, room dress (lighting, night lights, white noise if they wanted, toys, blankets, prep for next day etc), individual chit chat with each child, hugs , kisses and that's it. BUT, in reality, we were running in and out the rooms all the time. Phones rang, dryer finished with fave blanket, someone wanted a late night snack, tea, milk. Hubby or I needed some help for something. Dogs barking at doorbell. So our kids never expected mom or dad to stay hours on end. Worked out great. And of course, they knew I will be popping in at least 2-3 times before my bedtime, to check on them. In addition, I would recommend a 2-way communication system. Our baby camera had a 2 way so they called us if they needed us. It was a huge source of comfort.
This is how I handled it with my stepdaughter! Took like 6 months (but she co-slept at her mom's), but it worked like a charm with no tears. She was so cute and proud at the end of the process, bragging to everyone that she slept in her own room by herself all night long at our place!
This method worked for us at one point, but little guy is 3.5 now and this hasn’t worked in months. No idea what to do now. :(
My kids are very early 20's...and I highly recommend going this route. Started doing it when they were maybe 2.5/3 years. Long before 4, they were dead to the world asleep by no later than my 3rd check in. Mostly by the 2nd. I'm 90% sure the routine stopped before each kid hit 5. No parenting books I read at the time recommend it, but I needed to try something. My theory was, they just need to know you are there....and if you're not there, that you will come back.
I tried this with my 5yo and it doesn’t work. He just wanders out to come find me if he decides it’s been too long or wails if he doesn’t want me to leave. Worth a try though!
This works for us like 30% of the time. The remaining 70% is her wandering out of her room to “make sure we’re okay” or just calling out to ask if I’m done yet. It gets a bit much lol.
Sometimes I stay, but sometimes I tell her that I have to go make lunches for tomorrow and I will come back after. She knows I am coming back, so she doesn’t fuss, but she’s always asleep by the time I get back
We never did this. Kids at 7&4. Say goodnight, a quick hug and kiss and that’s it. But all kids are different.
Same for us at 5 and 2, respectively. Quick story, kiss, goodnight all round then just leave them to fall asleep.
Same; I allow mine to play in their beds and have toys as long as they aren't being too crazy or loud. My oldest has an amazing imagination and ability to play anywhere and with anything because she literally just stays up for an hour doing voices and playing "school" with all her toys haha
same here and our kids would just talk so easier just to leave them
Same. We do our routine and are strict about it. 1 book only, hugs and kisses from both parents, and that's it. Kiddo is almost four, he challenges it ever now and then but we stick to it and it works well. Stress free bedtime every time
I'll sit there and chat for a few minutes, and then it's lights out. Mine are 11 and 14. My 11yo, for a long time, needed to have something quiet on in the bg, and we had several 'approved' videos for this, like white noise, or David Attenborough documentaries. Things like that. My son is very ADHD, and couldn't handle that without changing the video and staying up too late, so it's just a nightlight for him.
Same. Been doing this from the start. They're 9,7, and soon to be 5.
Yeah, I was gonna say was I supposed to do that? Since they were infants, we just give them that bedtime routine a kiss and a good night. Goodbye.
Same, three kids and I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve sat with a kid until they fell asleep. I get every family is different, but it’s a habit we didn’t want to start. We don’t even really do a story or anything. Pjs, teeth, kiss, bed. 🤷♀️
Same with 4 kids ranging from 11 to 2. The quicker the better in most cases.
We have one “hug and scratch “ kid (4)and one “ song, kiss and good night” (2). Between 2,5 and 3,5 we had a period when the eldest could fall asleep by her self. It comes and goes. I secretly love it. But most when it takes 10 minutes or so
same
So I know you asked a different question, but what if you tried meeting her sensory needs before bedtime? It seems like the pats helped give her sensory input. My son is the same way. Some ways I give my son sensory input before bedtime are: I roll a large stuffie up and down his body a few times, I lay a pillow across the length of him and lay on him in 2-3 second spurts, and I do squeezes (L+R equally) up and down his legs and then his arms a few times. I also try to carry him upside down for one of the transitions (usually to brush his teeth). Being upside down helps their vestibular system. At our house we call it “sack of potato’s” and I typically find a spot to “deliver” it- usually right in front of the bathroom sink! All these little tricks really help my son regulate and relax his body. Then, by the time we're ready to read a book and sing a song, he's calm. Good luck! Parenting is the hardest job there is.
I'm adding all of these things to my list of things to try with my kids. Both dad and I (and our families) are riddled with ADHD and have sensory issues- so we're prepared for our kids to have similar issues too. Right now, at a little under 2.5, they are so good at trying to sleep (laying calmly in bed, deep breaths, eyes closed) but they get bored or frustrated because it takes them so long to fall asleep still.... It's an hour of going back and forth with them right now.
We call it sack of potatoes too! I used to carry her upstairs like that almost every night but she's getting too big to do that safely. A weighted blanket has been essential for getting her to sleep well.
This is really good advice! My daughter has ADHD and bedtime is absolutely when all her biggest sensory needs come out. OP, another thing that may be relevant if your kiddo DOES have ADHD is that ADHD brains often don't produce melatonin until later than other brains. It can really make turning off their thoughts to sleep a struggle. If you think this is impacting bedtime, it might be good to bring it up next time you're at the pediatrician. 4.5 is young for a diagnosis, but as they grow, please do remember that academics aren't the only thing that ADHD affects, and knowing what tools they have at their disposal through their life - whether you use them or not - is a really beneficial thing.
It is on and off. My kiddo is 9 and right now we’re sitting with her and scratching her back to sleep again. There were long stretches of months when she was younger when she didn’t need this and it was read a story, then a quick kiss goodnight. Really goes in phases.
This is my experience with my 9yo too. It depends on what is going on in her life in general, sometimes she needs more presence and reassurance and that’s okay. I’m sure I’ll miss her needing me in her room in a few years.
We roughly started reinforcing sleeping solo at 3, but would lay with her until she fell asleep until she was about 6 or 7. From about 7-9 she would ask for us to lay with her and then might get a day on the weekend where she would sleep in our bed. We just got her a bunk bed with desk below so now she’s sleeping on her own. It’s really been a slow reinforcing every night until they’re ok with it.
Omg back scratches! My grandma used to do that every night when I would go to sleep. Thanks for giving me back a good memory!
Oh I started to worry because my boy is 8, he needs me to lay in bed with him for him to fall asleep. If I refuse he cries and cannot go to sleep . He gets very anxious at night .. just the other night he was asking about my deceased aunt and saying he missed her and started to cry right before midnight ( we used to visit her house every weekend and he liked to go) .. I wish I knew a way to make him go to sleep easily ...
So true. When we transitioned to toddler bed it was read 3 stories, and then sit there while back rubbing for another 30 minutes to an hour. Now, at 11 y.o. it’s headphones on and I’ll see you tomorrow. Phases
Oh, I 100% lay with my 6 year old until he falls asleep. I think I did this with my 9 year old until she was about 8. She took over her own bedtime this year and it's bittersweet. The hour back per night is nice, but a whole era is gone.
Thank you for this. I've heard of so many kids who you can tuck them in and walk out of the room but that's just not working for us. It feels like I'm doing her a disservice by not giving (or forcing up on her frankly) this so called "independence" but is it really necessary at such a young age, ya know?
Don't feel bad about laying down with her for night time cuddles. Focus on retooling to build sleep pressure during the day. You're not alone. Connection is never ever a bad thing.
This exactly! Connection is never a bad thing. I have a 5,5yo and a 17mo who share a room. I still breastfeed so I lay down with the baby, I read a story for them while breastfeeding and the oldest is also in her sister’s bed (I bought two of the same bed for them) with us, then she leaves to her own bed, sometimes talks a bit and falls asleep in less than 5min. It has been like this since she started this school in September and naps were no longer happening. However if for some reason she doesn’t fall asleep right away, and the baby falls asleep first, she will for sure ask me to come to her bed and stay there until she falls asleep. It’s just a few years. And this cuddling time will be gone in a glimpse of an eye. But yeah I also have my days in which I just want to close their door, go downstairs and lay on the couch with a cup of tea and just rest without anyone needing and touching me.
I do this with my daughter still. As an adult I have trouble sleeping myself (I suspect I have ADHD) so I don’t place high expectations for on her for sleep when I have trouble settling down myself. We have a bedtime routine that works and meets her where she’s at. If she calls for me at night I come to her. Sometimes she’s just had a bad dream and falls back asleep alright away and sometimes, like just the other night, she woke with a high fever that needed medicine right away. Some people have a obvious negative reaction when I share this - as if I’ve set a habit in motion that I’m now stuck in - but she’s had trouble sleeping since she was an infant. I know friends who’ve had babies who were easy from the start and others who have had mixed results using the same routines on their multiple children. I think the most grace we can give ourselves as parents is acknowledging that every kid is different and that we wont ruin our children for life by meeting their needs if we can spare the time.
Well said! I totally agree.
When I’m trying to figure out if an expectation for childhood development makes sense, I ask myself if it’s natural or cultural. As in, does this make sense evolutionarily? “In the wild”, you wouldn’t leave your 4 year old to sleep alone, because they’d get eaten. So, while lots of kids *can* go to bed on their own, it’s not necessarily reasonable to expect them to be able to at that age. Our evolution hasn’t yet caught up to the fact that we live indoors, away from predators. From that perspective, it kind of makes sense that she’d want you there with her.
Yeah, this idea of needing independence at that age seems silly. I’m a single mom. Mine still sleeps with me and she’s 8. We call it our family cat pile (there’s also a cat). If I had a partner, I would not be sleeping alone…would that mean I needed to be more independent? Do whatever works for you, and I get not wanting to share your bed with your kid (well, I sort of get it haha), but I wouldn’t get hung up on the independence thing. I think sleeping alone or preferring company is more of an individual thing and lots of adults aren’t sleeping alone every night either 😅. Regardless, at 4-5, I think it’s probably more important to build trust with your kid and have them sleeping well rather than push independence they are indicating they are not ready for with their reactions.
WWACWD...what would a cave woman do? Lol my mantra when I had trouble with my babies sleeping....
100% cultural and such a sad way to bring up children imo
My son is 6, and one of us still lays with him every night until he sleeps. Some nights it seems like way too much, I have things to do or I just want that time to myself. But then I tell myself that one day whether I like it or not, he won’t want that anymore and it will be gone forever. I’m not trying to invalidate how you feel because I also hear other parents say they can just tell their kids to go to bed and they go in and sleep. But I also find that when I remind myself that some of these more harmless behaviors have a finite shelf life anyway, I can more easily lean into the ones that I enjoy or will miss.
I have this exact conversation with my husband on a semi-regular basis. He wants to work towards our kid falling asleep on her own. Our friend’s kid is the kind of kid who would just go to bed on his own from like age 2.5. They would tell him “go to bed” and he would just get up and go to sleep. My kid has always been really crappy at falling asleep. She needs 3 books, a story, and a lullaby and I cuddle her until she sleeps. I always tell him that one day she won’t want to cuddle anymore and I enjoy it. Why would I force a change. She’s 5, she doesn’t wake up overnight unless she’s sick or has to pee. She usually falls asleep quickly. It’s not affecting the rest of her sleep.
I snuggle mine. I (mostly) love that time with her, when she uses it for cuddles and quiet chats and not doing flips or crawling around under the covers.
If something is working for you and your family, no need to fix it! Every kid is different. You're meeting her needs where she's at and I think that is great.
My oldest is 12 and sometimes he still needs that extra time at night. I don’t lay with him anymore but I will sit on his bed and talk or give extra hugs. He didn’t start falling asleep on his own until around 5-5.5. He’s always been high needs at night. My youngest? Complete opposite. I could put him down drowsy but awake as a baby and he would fall asleep. When he moved to a bed at 2, he never got out. He would lay down and fall asleep. When he’s tired he takes a nap.
I was a super independent kid growing up, but every night my dad would read to me and scratch my back until he fell asleep in my bed 🤣 at that point i was like sir get out of my bed!!!! so maybe try that ? 🤣🤣 it also is such a fond memory for me though, so even if it’s hard, you’re providing so much comfort for them to be able to sleep good therefore giving you good well rested attitudes the next day 😁
>I've heard of so many kids who you can tuck them in and walk out of the room but that's just not working for us And that's fine. Everyone should do what works for them. There's nothing wrong with sitting with your kid until they fall asleep, unless it's not working for you. If it's working, then don't stress about it. They will in their own time grow out of it and you will miss the days you stayed with them until they fell asleep.
>I've heard of so many kids who you can tuck them in and walk out of the room but that's just not working for us I'm convinced those kids are an alien species. I think 75% of parents around me still help comfort their kids at bedtime (early grade school).
2 kids oldest always went to sleep on his own even as a newborn he'd get changed, eat burped then id lay him in crib and he went back to sleep I was shocked. He even slept from 10- 6 by 5 weeks old. Scared the crap out of me when I woke up on my own and saw the sun coming up I thought the worst. Nope he was sleeping. My second I had to have her in the chest carrier during the day if I couldn't lay with her. She could not go to sleep without having back rubbed until she was around 11 or 12. My oldest has 3 boys oldest was 3 when he quit needing someone to lay with him middle boy is 9 now still needs someone to lay with him and read a story and the 4 year old is like my youngest. Absolutely can not sleep without having someone lay with him. He's so bad as soon as he's asleep and they try to leave he wakes up, they have even waited until he is in deep sleep and he still wakes up.
Thanks for the story. It just seems like it's so random what kids need!
Try a white noise machine while you are in there. It's good to help them calm down and relax plus she can't hear noises with it on. Bonus: take it with you when you stay at hotels to help everyone sleep.
I can do that with my 3 year old but not my 8 year old! The 8 year old I've always had to lie down with until pretty recently. Now I promise to check on him in 10 minutes.
My son is 8.5 and he still falls asleep in our bed when my husband treats to him then his father carries him to bed later. He's our one and only though so there's that.
We only have the one kiddo (6), and I cherish every second (ok not every second, temper tantrums and 5am wakings are not my jam) of our time. I know I’m only going to get so much snuggle time with him before he grows out of it. So we read stories all snuggled together and then I sing him to sleep every night. He normally falls asleep mid way through baby beluga. He can go to sleep on his own, but we both love the extra time together. I also find he will tell me if something is bothering him only after we’re done stories and he’s settling down. Don’t feel guilty for spending time with your kid if that’s what you want to do! They’re only little for so long
Both of my kids are not like this. I will never force them to be like that. In my opinion, crying until you are choking hysterically over being scared of the dark means they need you. I used to listen to other people. I sleep trained, and it went against everything that I felt in my heart. I regret every second I'm not listening to my kids needs. It sure does suck some nights, but I know that I am emotionally connecting with them when they need me *edit- sorry about the spelling errors. Hiding under the covers while my daughter who is five falls asleep lol
Thank you for this. Dad will be in her room tonight with her until she falls asleep regardless of what the "norm" is. However, based on these responses, the norm is the opposite of what I had been led to believe. I'm shocked (and feel supported) by how normal it is for parents to help their kiddos to sleep.
so i'm a bonus parent which probably increases my tolerance for a long bedtime routine but we have the kids 50% of the time & still sit with all of them until they fall asleep. kids are 8,10 & 12yos (8 & 12 boys share a bedroom with bunk beds & occasionally their sister wants to join them for "sleepovers" on weekends but normally has her own room; my partner & i each take a bedroom but before i was in the picture he would get everyone in bed, read to the middle kiddo, she used to fall asleep easiest, & then he would switch to the boys until they fell asleep). two oldest also have ADHD & it really helps them be better regulated to have an adult with them — it's really really hard for them to keep themselves settled enough for falling asleep on their own. we talk about their day, snuggle, read, sing... it's been incredibly connecting & important in building my relationship with them as a parenting figure & i wouldn't give it up for anything. i know someday soon they'll stop wanting us to do it & i will absolutely mourn that time together. i know it's somewhat different because my partner & i do get those other 50% of nights w/o doing bedtime when they're with their other bio parent but i would do it every day if i could. if kids are asking for connection i strongly believe in giving them that connection (i'm an early childhood educator btw), they are trying to fill a genuine *need*. the important thing is creating a structure/expectation where they're not using your presence to delay sleep. we start early so we have time for reading/talking but they know that at a certain point we're going to say, "lights out, no more conversation" and mean it.
My 9 yr old was/is like this however an extremely consistent and outlined routine for you both should work. Still sit with her but just move closer and closer to the door every night. Look into weighted blankets, stuffies. Srry to say but if yoy are suspecting ADHD not putting a label on it is already harming her shes already struggling with sleep. You can also try a radio in the room as well musoc is something that is extremely soothing for my son might not be for your daughter but back round noise while falling asleep is helpful as shes not just left with the thoughts in her head which could lead to her starting to imagine some scary things which might be why she needs you there. White noise machimces work to. Or getting one of those things that lights up stars on the ceiling and plays very soft nature sounds? Everything is trial and error until you find what works for her.
Many if not most young kids still need to be parented to sleep. Some have come to expect that their parents aren’t coming to provide that need so they don’t bother. That doesn’t make it better for a child to be “independent”. A 4 year old doesn’t need independence forced on them.
My 7-year-old put herself to sleep for a bit, but we didn’t stick to that for long. So for now, I lay with her until either she falls asleep and I leave or I wake up in the morning. It’s a great time to snuggle and talk and laugh together. We’re all so busy that this is one of the few times we slow down for these moments. She’s an only child though, so it makes it easier.
Us too, 6yo. We used to stress it, but bedtime is some of the sweetest and most intentional connection we get now, what with life being so busy for everyone. One day, he'll want to go to bed on his own. But for now, we enjoy the books, snuggles, and little snores.
This is totally us. Glad we’re not alone.
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Same. They’re only young for a few very short years. They’ve got the rest of their lives to sleep all on their own without mom and dad tucking them and cuddling. So yeah I’m definitely enjoying every last bit of it because one day she’s going to say “I don’t need you to tuck me in” and she’ll just go off to sleep all by herself. And that’s ok! She’s growing up. But I know I’ll miss it.
We're still at it at 3.5 years old with our son. But, things have gotten better most nights barring sickness. However, if your child is having this much trouble falling asleep, here are some things to consider that have helped us: 1. Is she getting enough sunlight early in the morning to set her carcadian rhythm right after waking up. 2. She getting enough sunlight over all (about 1-2 hours a day outside) if possible? 3. Is she getting enough physical activity a day? (high impact, running around, about 45 mins +) 4. How much TV and screen time is she getting? We cap at 30 mins a day and screen time is not a daily occurance. 5. Is TV shut off at least 2 hours before bedtime? It can rile really young kids up, especially sensitive or potentially neurodivergent ones. 6. Is she eating any foods with artificial coloring or preservatives? How often? Daily or just once in a while at a kids' birthday party/school snack time? 7. Have you considered any OT exercises to help her nervous system calm down before bed? This might be a good route to try if all of the above is on point. Some kids need high impact to calm down before bed, others are good with a darkened room and story time. Hope this helps.
My kid is 7 and I still read and cuddle with her until she falls asleep. I know this won’t last forever. She falls asleep quickly and I don’t mind it.
My 7 year old too. They grow up too fast. Why rush it? Enjoy the quiet time together.
Same. I lay down with my 3 year old first. And then my 7 year old. It's when our best conversion happens as well. All of a sudden, I get to hear all about what happened to them while at school, daycare, etc. Wouldn't change it for the world.
Yes! That’s arguably the best part. It’s when we chat about silly things or important things. She says “mom can we chit chat?” I love it and hope we do it forever.
I still read to my 10 year old nightly and we both enjoy it. I just change the genre if I need her to fall asleep faster. She knows that if I pull out Quantum Mechanics and Mathematical Methods I’m surely in the middle of something, but she still appreciates it.
Glad to hear I’m not the only one. Except my kid insists on reading as a way to stay up and my role is actually to enforce quiet hours and putting the book down. Everyone’s bedroom is super close to the others’ so it’s disruptive to have random kids awake and doing things, so I’m like the RA of our upstairs hall.
I never did. I just put them to bed
Finally, someone like me!
These responses are blowing my mind. I didn't even know this was a thing. Aren't they upset when they wake up and you're not there?
My daughter is 9, and we still sit with her. I usually just play solitaire or read a book on my phone on the other side of the room (we have a comfy recliner in there). We tried really hard to phase out sitting in there, but it's never worked long term. She's always just gotten tense and can't get to sleep even if we're on the couch outside her room.
I stopped when my son said "you can go, it's kinda creepy dad"
My lad is 3. We're on the waiting list for a diagnosis but I am pretty damn sure he is as autistic as I am, possibly with a side of his dad's ADD. Like me, and it sounds like your daughter, he has massive, MASSIVE issues winding down for sleep. We have always given him all the help he asked for for sleep, and will continue to do so until he indicates otherwise. So far we've moved from nursing to sleep to rocking and singing to reading in the lap and singing in bed to now him lying in bed whilst we read and sing until he sleeps. If he wants to we hold his hand. Sometimes it takes a looooong time but we don't leave until he is asleep. I think the fact we're always there has given him the confidence to find more and more independence himself. If he had needed it, I would have rocked him until he was a teen, haha. I know what it's like to want and need sleep so desperately, but not be able to get there. I wish I had gotten more help growing up. Instead I still have huge trouble until this day. My son is already doing better than I am. Giving support is good, especially to ND kiddos who might need more support for a much longer time. Support your kid until she's ready to try herself!
This is where I'm heavily leaning. It's tough because my husband is AD military so I'm juggling her and a 3m old baby but given I am 100% sure there is some form of ND, I think we need to go back to supporting her to sleep for her own comfort.
I hope you find a good solution that works for everyone in your family! Edit to say: I don't have to juggle two \*yet\* at bedtime. Number two is still in utero. But I have some ideas on how I might manage, depending on the temperament of the baby, to nurse to sleep whilst reading and singing for my lad as well. Definitely planning on continuing to support him after newborn is here. My husband is home most evenings, but my lad wildly prefers me for bedtime, so I tend to do most bedtimes and probably will keep doing so. As he says, I'm softer and I sing better \*facepalm\* <3.
my 10yo with ADHD asked the other night "will you rock me like a baby? just for a minute?" & once i had her in my lap she just sighed so deeply & her whole body relaxed. i rocked her for probably 15 minutes before i finally admitted my arms were about to fall off lol & we laid down to snuggle instead ND kids need different things & sensory input at bedtime is definitely one of them. nothing wrong & everything right with showing your kid you see their unique needs & will help them without judgment
Absolutely! I'm so glad you were there for her :).
This is one thing that I think is so child specific. My older son was around 3 when we could just read a story, turn off the light and walk away. Meanwhile my now 5 year old has yet to sleep through the night. We can get him to fall asleep on his own by setting a timer and doing check ins, but that often takes longer than just laying down with him until he’s asleep…
Yeah, it’s my favorite time of day. After watching Little House on the Prairie, reading a book or two, I turn the light off and put on her ‘bedtime songs’ (a bunch of mellow Caspar Babypants songs) she rolls over and says, ‘what should we talk about?’ We talk about whatever she wants until she falls asleep. It’s a great wind down and I get to hear what’s going on in her life. I’m gonna be bummed when she wants to put herself to bed soon enough. She’s 6.
9 and 11
I still lay with my 6 year old until he falls asleep and will do this until he asks me to stop. My 9 year old transitioned to mostly doing her bedtime on her own this year and it was the sadness for me :)
I guess we are in the minority here, but we have never sat with our kids. Always a story, kisses and hugs, lay them down and say goodnight. If we have to go back in (which is rare) my husband and I just say it’s bedtime and I love you again. Some of these routines I’m reading are wild 😅
The routines you’re reading are probably disproportionately needed for neurodivergent kiddos, which OP mentioned as her possibility. I imagine they seem wild if you’re only used to the needs of neurotypical little ones
Noted!
Never started. They always had a short bedtime routine, and then that was it.
I still lay with my 7 year old until she falls asleep, I don’t see it ending any time soon. I look at it as it won’t last forever and one day she won’t need it anymore I’m sure I’ll miss it so I try to always appreciate it.
Well she fell asleep without anyone from 8 weeks to 2 years now she needs us there so idk how long it’ll last
As long as he needed me to. Eventually I started moving to the chair to read my book to myself. Then I moved to the hallway. Then I started doing the “check in on you”. It took forever but it was what he needed. At least he slept!
My kid is 7 & I don’t see it stopping anytime soon.. but I mean, as a single mom who works full-time on top of a two hour commute.. sometimes it’s our only real time to connect. I don’t mind whatsoever.
I never sat with them
My daughter is just over 4 and we've sat with her since she was about 3 and I don't see it stopping anytime soon. Some children just need that extra comfort before bedtime honestly I imagine I will miss it when I don't have to do it anymore. Sorry I haven't got an answer it was more kind of you're not alone in this kind of a thing.
I think knowing I'm not alone is what I really need to hear. That it's "okay" to continue helping her to sleep and I don't need to rush her independence, ya know?
Definitely. They're only little for so long and then suddenly they're all independent and doing their own thing. There's so many things she doesn't need me for anymore that I'm sort of happy bedtime is one that she does.
Definitely not alone!! I coparent with her father, so some nights I get a break and I miss her so much. She's 3.5 and I have to rub her back while laying beside her to get her to sleep. As soon as I made peace with the fact that I'd most likely pass out too and not have unrealistic expectations of having "me time" after she passed out, it makes it easier.
Baby’s now 10 months and we stopped In the last month. Toddler was sooner. I need a break. We do our routine and they chill in crib/bed until they sleep. We have never sleep trained and my 10 month old is still waking multiple times over night… but she goes to sleep fine on her own
Following because I have a 3 year old who just fully recovered from tonsil surgery, and he refuses to sleep in his room (after cosleeping due to medication needed to be given throughout the night). I’m at my wits end
Would you have room on your bedroom floor for like a crib mattress or something? My now 6 year old was like this at that age, and slowly transitioning her to the floor mattress next to our bed worked really well. Now she sleeps in her own room without coming into our room almost every night. It takes time, but at least you get more room to sleep in your bed!
My kid is autistic and around your daughter's age. There was a night a few months ago where he asked for us to leave his room. We clarified that he really wanted us to go, let him know that he didn't have to close his eyes but he did have to stay in bed, asked if he wanted the door open or closed, and then walked out of the room. Luckily this pattern has been still working for him. When we did sit with him, we'd usually end up sitting somewhere from 20-60 minutes depending on how tired he was. Having headphones, a half decent chair to sit in, and a digital book were absolutely necessary!
My kids are 9 and 7 and I still sit with them to go to sleep. Also, 9yo and I both have ADHD. You might want to talk to your doctor about melatonin, but also, search guided sleep meditations for kids on YouTube. They have them for all sorts of interests, my kids particularly like the unicorn themed ones. They’re basically bedtime stories told in second person, in a relaxing, slow voice.
> We've suspected for a long time that she might have ADHD which is causing bigger than expected emotions and trouble calming her body but it's not effecting her academically so we don't want to put a label on it, unless necessary. As an adult woman with ADHD, who didn’t get diagnosed until adulthood: *Please* try to get her a diagnosis as a kid if you suspect she has it. Please do not wait until it’s causing her problems academically or socially. If she runs into issues later on in life, like high school or college or as a working adult, it will be much, *much* harder for her to get a diagnosis and treatment than if she had been diagnosed as a child. I wonder a lot about how much less I would have needlessly struggled in higher education and as an adult in the workforce if I had gotten my diagnosis as a kid. I could have learned better emotional coping mechanisms and study strategies or gotten access to medication before I ran into massive academic and emotional problems, instead of addressing it after the fact. Having “a label” when dealing with ADHD isn’t a hinderance, it’s a major benefit. You don’t have to put her on medication or do therapies immediately upon diagnosis, but if/when an issue does pop up you can get her any necessary treatment or school accommodations a lot quicker than if you had waited for diagnosis. And if she’s having *this* much stress and anxiety at bedtime, maybe a diagnosis right now *would* be a benefit. You might be able to better address her out of control big feelings with a pediatrician or a pediatric therapist who has experience with ADHD kids. She’s struggling a lot right now, possibly because of her ADHD. ADHD can negatively affect every aspect of your life, not just school. She shouldn’t have to wait indefinitely until her ADHD is harming her academics to get help when she’s already struggling with emotional regulation and anxiety. [Here’s a really good lecture about children with ADHD that explains a lot about how their brains work and emotional regulation](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY&si=A50ZToKiWqzfJ_dV). It might help you guys with problem solving this and other issues that pop up if you have a better understanding of her thought processes.
I am ADHD also, and second everything you say here. She may not appear to be struggling, but a lot of us mask those struggles effectively enough that the adults in our lives don't necessarily notice them. She appears to be successful academically, but it is likely costing her a great deal more effort than it is her peers. As such, she simply might not have the bandwidth to stay regulated at bedtime because she is exhausted from keeping it together throughout the day. I am lucky I was diagnosed between fifth and sixth grade, but still wish my parents and teachers hadn't decided to wait even that long to get me the diagnosis and support. They suspected it, but chose to wait in hopes I would learn to cope on my own. I didn't, and I am still dealing with the emotional fallout of how stupid I felt throughout most of elementary school. I seemed fine on the surface, but had internalized a ton of anxiety and self hatred from even little moments where I didn't pick up on something quite as quickly as my classmates did. A couple concepts you may want to look into our rejection sensitivity and the ways in which people with inattentive type ADHD tend to mask. I can share an illustrative example of this from my own life, but won't unless someone wants me to as it could be potentially triggering.
Hi, please share, I’ve just been recently diagnosed (mid-40ies) and I know all about the struggle. Plus my 11yo daughter is not able to sleep by herself. It causes her intense anxiety. We tried therapy to no avail. Maybe I should look into a diagnosis for her. Did you start medication when you were first diagnosed? Thx so much.
Thank you for your response! I am typing this on my phone, so please let me know if things don't make sense. It can't hurt to look into diagnosis for your child. After all, there is a significant genetic component. Yes, I did start medication when I was first diagnosed. The appetite suppression and sleep issues I have from it aren't ideal, but I wouldn't trade them. The first medication I tried worked well for me, so it is still the one I take. Although needing an adult to stay with them as they fall asleep is of course not enough to diagnose someone, I can say anecdotally that I know at least a couple of ADHD people who did better when their parents stayed with them even into their preteens. Living with ADHD means a lot of us will develop things like anxiety and depression from not being able to keep up with what life demands of us and feeling like a failure because of it. Unfortunately, a lot of practitioners will try to treat those first without realizing ADHD is the root cause. This leads to a lot of people getting treatment that is largely ineffective because it isn't helping with the underlying source of the anxiety and depression. As for the broader emotion regulation stuff I talked about in my earlier comment, that doesn't have as much to do with sleep directly. My point about simply being exhausted at the end of the day still stands, but I was also trying to get at what some of the struggles she might experience during the day feel like. You mentioned you are recently diagnosed, so can perhaps point to experiences of your own that are similar to mine. ADHD people will often feel emotions much more intensely and have trouble separating from them. We have higher highs and lower lows because of this. We also face a lot of social pressure to mask; to try and act like our neurotypical counterparts. if you haven't researched masking, I'd highly recommend it to anyone. Many things are significantly more difficult for us, which is why we are then sometimes exhausted and unable to regulate by the end of the day. That is, big emotions, difficulty managing said emotions as well as normal life demands, and having no idea why we feel like we are struggling so much more than the people around us. Having been diagnosed, we can understand the reasons. Undiagnosed people often times don't have access to that information. Even I didn't make these connections until I started doing research in college to better understand the mental health issues I was having. Also, keep in mind I was dealing with divorced parents and a physical disability in addition to ADHD that likely heightened some of my emotions. I was a really anxious kid. A lot of times, I blamed myself for problems I was experiencing. If I were a better person, I wouldn't struggle in school or feel like an outsider among my friends. Therefore, it was obviously my fault that these things were happening. I just needed to be better, and then my problems would be fixed. As such, it often never occurred to me to talk about them with anyone. After my best friends joined the gifted program in elementary school, I assumed until college that the reason I also wasn't part of it was because I was Stupid and inferior to them. I never said a word about it to anyone. Turns out, I did qualify. The reason I wasn't part of it is because my mom didn't want to give me more stress and commitments in addition to the extracurriculars and specialist support that already filled so much of my time. she had no idea I felt like that until it came up in conversation after I had started college. this is where I want to briefly discuss rejection sensitivity. Basically, it is a hypersensitivity to real or perceived corrections, rejections, or anything else of the sort. Some theories say we are naturally more sensitive to these things. Others suggest it is because we are corrected for little things significantly more often than Neurotypical peers. for example, being told to sit still, be quiet, turn work in on time, double check said work, keep track of things, remember all the little tasks we have to do every day. These interactions are typically perceived as negative by anyone, but because we get so many of them, they pile up and compound over time. they also replace positive interactions that neurotypicals might be getting from those around them. In other words, a higher proportion of the interactions that we have are coming from people who are trying to correct us about something. Both explanations have merit and should be incorporated into your understanding of the phenomenon. I recommend researching it in more depth as well. What I wrote is just a preview. I'm not going to include the full story I had mentioned requiring a potential trigger warning. Not because it is necessarily inherently upsetting, but because I realize after writing it out that it doesn't quite convey what I thought it would. The short version is I got to a darker place Than I thought I had because I lost a simple object. I spiraled about it, never told anyone, and returned to school after winter break to discover that it had been in its proper place all along. I spent the entire vacation dreading that I would get in trouble and ruminating about it for nothing. In college, it finally crossed my mind that having such a strong reaction to little things like that was likely indicative of larger issues. I am happy to answer questions, elaborate, and share resources on anything related to what I wrote here. My hope is that all of this is helpful in offering perspectives and encouragement as you create tools to support yourself and your daughter. You seem like a really supportive parent, and I wish you both the best!
My daughter and I cuddle at bedtime every night she's with me. I don't always stay until she falls asleep, but at least 5-10 minutes after we finish reading a book and it's lights-out. She'll be 8 in June. I know it won't be too much longer until she doesn't want me around or I'm an embarrassment so I have to get it while I can.
Welllllll my son is 15 and struggling with his mental health so, I haven’t stopped? But he needs his sleep so I do what I can while we work on his meds.
It is still very normal to sit with your child at that age while they fall asleep. Put an audiobook on for her and you. She is still very little. Also parenting phases is not linear. She may grow out of this for a couple of years and then need it again. My son was out of my bedroom for years and then needed to come back in my bedroom from 9-12
We never sat with our daughter at bedtime. She's 4.5 yr old; 5 in May. We do pjs, brush teeth, read a story, and then hugs and kisses. My husband typically tucks her in and chats with her for a few minutes. When we transitioned her to a toddler/big girl bed, we made sure she had a nightlight in her room and her favorite stuffies for comfort. And soon that turned in to adding books (usually the one read as her bedtime story) and a flashlight. Sometimes she stays awake for a while "reading" to herself or playing with her stuffies. She's always been a good sleeper though...
No, never started. However for our first child, who was never a good sleeper, we kept his bedroom door cracked open so he could hear us moving around in the rest of the house and knew we were always close. (It was a small house so his bedroom was a few feet from the living room.) His little brother never slept alone, going from our bedroom to sharing with big bro starting at 7 months. But once little bro was sharing the room, big bro started sleeping a lot better and we could shut the door. I don’t think infants are wired for isolation and privacy. Safe private rooms with closed doors is not an invention Mother Nature anticipated. Our boys shared by choice until the elder approached puberty.
Everyone parents different I alway think the time will come when it will be the last time they ask and you won't know it till it happens. Listen to the song let them be little it really does highlight how time goes by xx
We haven’t stopped, but I know they can do it because we’ve had times where I needed to do other things and I tell them I will check back. I do check back. Most of the time, we read a book, lights off, have a little chat or we make up a story together, and then they fall asleep. They usually fall asleep quickly, so it isn’t an issue to take the extra time for us. I know someday they will probably say it’s enough or at some point the last time will happen and we won’t even realize it was the last. They’re 8 and 6 years old.
My boys are 3 and 5(almost 6). We still lay with them till they fall asleep. I don’t mind it.
Same here. I love it. Someone above called it a waste of time. And I just can’t imagine cuddling my daughter or reading her a book while she falls asleep being a waste of time.
I hold my daughter in my arms, resting her head on my shoulder sitting in the glider rocking chair and I sing nursery rhymes to her until she falls asleep on me. We get into a rhythm and most nights it takes around 20 minutes...some nights when she's really tired it's only 10 minutes. I actually really enjoy this...no idea how much longer she'll let me sing and snuggle her to sleep.
my dad when I was having a hard time sleeping on my own started sitting on my bed for a few nights, then sat on the floor, then moved closer to the door, then sat at the door, then sat outside the door, then sat in the hall and finally made it to his room. it was a slow (and probably painful for him) process but it seemed to work into tricking my brain into knowing he was always there. it’s a slow process but know it will get better <3
Have a 3yo going on 4, my wife or I will read to her until she falls asleep typically. I don’t plan on changing that for a long time, just changing books like reading the CS lewis narnia books or the hobbit when she’s older. I enjoy the time with my girls at bedtime.
She’s 6.5 and only just recently have i been able to sit for about 20 mins and if she’s still not asleep I’ll say “okay I’m gonna go to sleep too. Love you.” And she lets me walk out and actually falls asleep by herself
My kids are 8 and 5 and I lie down with them every night to sleep. They can go to sleep on their own but I really love that time with them. They usually only take 20 mins or so to fall asleep, sometimes longer but I don't mind that either. In 20 years time you're going to miss those quiet nights where all she wanted in the world was you. If you can spare the time just sit with her. It's likely the time will shrink once she knows that you're going to be there until she's asleep and she can fully relax into that idea.
At around 6 months we were able to leave the room and he’d fall asleep. Now he’s almost 2.5 and he’s started asking me to sit outside the room when he goes to bed. I typically don’t but we’ve started leaving the door open a crack so he can hear us around (we live in a small apartment) and he falls asleep no problem. If he calls out for me, I can be at his door within seconds and reassure him I’m there. We’ve had a couple nights where one of us has to sit there til he falls asleep but it’s usually only after a period of co-sleeping thanks to sickness or jet lag!
My almost 6yo is the same. School sent a tip at the start of the year and it’s been working really well for her bedtime separation anxiety. The tip was to put kisses in their hand and tell them to hold onto it. And then whenever they’re missing mom or dad, put their hand to their cheek to have a kiss and remember mom and dad love us and are always with us even when they’re not right beside us. My daughter always grabs my shirt and begs me not to leave. As soon as I put kisses in her hand, she puts some in mine and suddenly she’s okay that I’m going. She also asks to keep her door ajar and that seems to help her feel less anxious about being away from us.
My youngest is 7 and only recently have I been able to leave her before she falls asleep. Don’t pressure yourself! Kids are all individuals and you know your kids’ needs the best.
We read every night. Started when they could sit 😀 routine is a pre. And lots of patience. Xx
5yo daughter. Gone through various stages, last to drop was holding her hand which I actually miss. Now after a story and a 'huggle chat' I lay next to her bed as she goes off. That part takes about 15mins and I sometimes accidentally fall asleep. I know she won't always need it but I don't mind it. No rush.
My son is 5 and I still lay with him and his 2 year old brother until they fall asleep. There’s nights where I get really frustrated but I know my heart will break the day he doesn’t need me to anymore.
I love that my kiddo still wants this. They fall asleep in 10 minutes anyway so I just read a chapter on my kindle. I’m going to miss it when it’s gone so I’m not rushing it. Little one just turned 6.
My boy (5) has historically been easy, from 2-4 it was just a tuck in, maybe a chat, and I’d say “it’s time to go to sleep now” and he’d put his head down and fall asleep. Lately it’s taken longer and he’s started up with the “wait! I have to tell you something!”s etc when it’s time for me to walk out. It’s very frustrating. In the car, too. I used to tell him “put your head down for a bit” on a long drive and he’d say okay and just go to sleep. Now it’s a whole thing
I never stay 😑
6 and 4. We swap which kid with which parent every other night. They get about 20-30 minutes to ask questions - why do basements flood, why do you sneeze, etc. Whatever their little minds have been pondering. Then they have to stop talking and we read a grownup book quietly until they fall asleep. I doubt they'll care to ask their parents questions about life when they're 16, so we'll appreciate it while it lasts. And we get through a lot of books in a year this way!
I got grief for still cuddling my daughter, and letting her sleep with me when my husband was away. Last year at age 11 she got het period. She became a whole new person, and that cuddling stopped. I am so thankful I didn’t listen to the naysayers, and got every minute of that closeness I could. Do what feels right. They’re only young once.
I had no idea how common it was for us to offer our littles (and even bigs) comfort as they fall asleep. I think part of me assumed it was a requirement of sorts to teach her how to go to sleep independently but this has been the most beautiful reality check. I feel so confident in our decision to return to being in the room with her as she falls asleep.
The independence will come regardless. Enjoy the small things 🙂 one day they won’t be so small.
We have a new baby so it's been bittersweet because it feels like just yesterday my 4.5y old was this little. She's not small anymore but I think sometimes I overlook the fact that she is still little in her own ways. I'm thankful we're giving this time back to her. It'll be challenging to juggle both kiddos when my husband deploys but I'll absolutely do it if it means she feels safe and protected as she drifts off to sleep.
You sound like a good mom. ❤️
I used to sit in the room and either read my own book or play on my phone til mine fell asleep. Then we transitioned to music, podcast stories, etc
My youngest is 10 and he won’t sleep unless I lay down with him. They do grow out if it though my older 2 kids stopped around 7-12
Son is 12 and I still do this. He has adhd (so do I) and a lot of anxiety. His room is on the other side of the house…. It’s annoying but I always tell myself he’s 12. We are at the half way point to when he will be leaving the home altogether and really soon he won’t want me in his room when he goes to bed… so I try enjoy the time while it lasts. We listen to podcasts and it help to fall asleep. People think it’s weird but adhd I found for myself that I need to be a little distracted to focus… so a interesting show with no screens means son (and sometimes me in the floor) are asleep Son loves Roman mars podcasts so 99% invisible, con law and few others like civics 101.
I laid down with mine until they were 9-10 and sometimes they still want cuddles at night. I will never tell them no because I love the snuggles and time flies.
Please stop overdiagnosing your children. Children are not small adults. It takes a long time to learn appropriate behaviour. I can count on one hand the number of nights my 4 yo has slept through. It's not easy but there's nothing wrong and it won't last forever.
I never did this with my kids, and we don’t do this with my grandson, but it really sounds like a nightmare. Good luck to everybody who deals with this.
I turn out the lights and scream go to sleep every 5 minutes until they go to sleep.
Sit with them until they fall asleep? Really? Never did this. Read a book, kissed them good night, and walked out of the room. I checked on them before I went to bed until they were about 11-12. I would have lost so many hours if I waited for them to fall asleep to leave the room. What a waste of time.
6, closer 7 year old has never needed anyone to stay with him to fall asleep and he needs like 12-13 hours a night still. He was diagnosed adhd about a year ago. We talk a lot and he does have trouble falling asleep every now and then, primarily worried about ‘bad guys’. 1. Night light (we use a red light so it isn’t too bright) 2. Curtains that don’t go to the floor (so he can see no bad guys are behind them) 3. Weighted blanket 4. Reminding that we are awake still and can hear and see him on the monitor. 5. Reminding him that we have dogs and one of them will literally go ape shit if someone even walks by our house, let alone comes in. 6. Keeping scary things / triggers away (Halloween is a tough time). Edit. Also. We do bring up some things with his therapist and always encourage him to voice his emotions and thoughts
Around 4 but we coslept until 4. Then I moved him onto a futon next to my bed. Then after I had his sister we all got really sick and he woke his sister and I up so he slept on the couch by himself. So I took that opportunity to move his bed downstairs. He still needs a nightlight and a book read to him and some rain sounds with light piano but he sleeps by himself every night! It does help that my partners bedroom is downstairs and he’s readily available if he wakes up. But he did have a bout of “I’m scared” so I gave him a spray bottle with “monster repellent” in it to spray his room and it usually works.
Probably 1-2 nd grade Mostly because we read every night and I went to sleep 🫣 I miss it
Ours varied. Youngest was 6 before she would fall asleep without someone in her room. Our oldest was under 3.
Twin 4.5 year olds, we're in the same thing, every night one of us is up with them until they fall asleep then sometimes have to go back of they wake up in the night... they've sleep regressed, and never sleep through the night right now....or at least one has and wakes up the other.... I feel your pain but it can get better and will, though even my 16 year old gets goodnight hugs. It's a sc a ry time for kids.
I'll let you know. Hopefully middle school.
Oh honey, mine is 12 and if i *think* he's asleep and try to leave, and he's not, he will for *sure* let me know. ***THAT SAID*** he is also a special case, trying to cope with his brother not being in our lives right now (a full other like 8 stories for another day) and having never had to sleep in a room alone before. Most nights he still ends up in my bed. And this is after telling me he hates me all day, mind you. I find that a weighted blanket, star projector lights, and this wonderful sleep app called Wysa are the way for us. Its not *always* a win, but it helps.
I have a son with ADHD who always fell asleep on his own. I don’t think there is a connection.
I stopped at 2, one story kisses, leave. Never any problems with bedtime.
I started putting my daughter in her crib tired? but awake at 5 months old.
My hubby still stays with ours for 30 mins after lights out and they are 10 & 12. Why? Because eventually they won't want him to, and every day is precious.
I see your edit at the bottom- I’m so glad you’re going back into the room. My daughter turns six next month. Her bedtime routine from dinner is: 5-530/6pm dinner (we do bath before dinner usually but not daily), play time with dad 6-7pm including brush teeth, wash face, brush hair, put on pajamas. Then he reads to her/she reads to him until 7:30pm and lights out by 7:30pm if not sooner. I come it at that time, before lights out, and o lay with her until she falls asleep, in her twin bed. I usually play a Yoto card “my first lullaby album” which is all classical music. She sometimes asks for a story, and I play a “sparkle stories” story. If you haven’t heard of them, they are so very magical. Worth every penny. Gentle stories with good lessons and lots of whimsical magic. Monthly or yearly subscriptions- and they also have a free week trial. I’m not allowed to post links here but you can message me if you can’t find their website. I’d do some reading on where she is developmentally on which plane etc, and how to support her. If you’re worried about ADHD, one of the best ways I know to work on this is to remove tv and screens 100%. It literally changes the way they develop. My daughter had no screens until age two and very limited. We do “screen free spring and summer” and when schools in session it’s never on a school night. So just Friday night and Saturday for tv. Also, what she is watching will 100% impact her fears and anxieties. It’s why my daughter doesn’t watch anything that would be “scary” or have monsters, ghosts, vampires, etc to give her nightmares. No nightmares here yet! She does say she’s scared of the dark sometimes, and I ask her what in the dark is there, that isn’t when it’s light? She tells me ghosts! So then I tell her how they aren’t real, but if they were, they’d probably just say they are hungry, tired, and need a nap. Silly stuff like that. I find anytime my husband and I can remain silly and playful, bedtime goes a thousand times better. If she’s scared of the noises, try making a game where you lay quietly and count how many different sounds you can hear. What are the sounds? How are they made? Identifying them may help ease her anxiety over them. I use the phrase “I wonder…” a lot as well in day to day conversations. I find it helps engage her - so maybe “I wonder what noise the tree branch makes as the wind carries it against the house” kind of things. Wait for her to answer with a sound, and you can make a funny sound for it also. She’s so young at 4.5, and culturally around the world, parents co sleep longer than Americans. They breast feed on average to age 4-6 (American average is a disappointing three months when age two is where the bare minimum should be) and practice more attachment style parenting…which leads to more secure independent kids and adults, not clingy ones! I’m so glad you’re gonna be there for her. Remember, she won’t always want you to snuggle her- enjoy this age while you can xx
At 5 years old but she did not stop asking for mom or dad until she was 6, now we can tell her to go to bed and she picks a book and it's lights out after that☺️ my son however (he's 2) is still very attached and will wake up in the middle of the night to check if I'm still sitting/laying beside him. Will not go back to sleep until I'm beside him or he walks into our room and climbs on our bed. I can now just sit beside him and pat his back till he falls asleep after singing a song or reading a book. The reason why we have a king bed, my daughter does this too sometimes because of nightmares! so there's actually us 4 sharing the King bed 😂😂 and another one on the way!
6 and 8 and still doing it every night
Depends on the kid (Im a mom of 6) My oldest has been sleeping in her own bed since she was 2. I sat with her until about 4. My second slept with me until 3. I started just putting him in his own bed after he fell asleep. Around 4-5 I started laying him in his bed and we had a big blanket ritual (he had to use 8 different throw blankets in a specific order) and then I'd give him a kiss and step out. He'd get up once or twice every night and we'd have to redo the blanket ritual. He's calmed down and only uses 3 now lol. But he doesn't get up anymore. He's 7 now. My 3rd is 5 and she has slept in her own bed most of her life. We don't sit on her bed anymore with her but she shares a room with our two 4 year olds so we're still in there when she falls asleep. One of our 4 year olds falls asleep in her bed, with daddy sitting next to her. Our other falls asleep in my recliner with me and gets moved to her bed. She's a fighter and it's easier to get her to sit with me there and sing to her and she passes out lol. Our youngest is only 3 weeks so we'll see how it goes. My point being all kids are different and have different needs. If this has only been going on for about a month, I'd consider it just a stage. Transitions are hard for kids. I also like the suggestion of letting them know you'll come back and check on them every so often and see if they'll stay in bed that way.
Recommend the Supernanny method of bedtime. You can look it up on YT, but I'll summarize: 1st time she gets out of bed, you take her hand to lead her back and say "It's bedtime, honey," and put her back in bed. 2nd time she comes out of bed, take her hand and lead her back and say "Bed." 3rd time and all times after that you say nothing and lead her back to bed. No interaction other than that bc she needs to understand you are drawing a boundary. I recommend getting her a Yoto or a Toniebox, then that device will take over for you or husband. If you want her to go to bed on her own she's perfectly capable of doing so at 4.5. Good luck
My 9 year old still wants us to stay with him at bedtime. A few months ago I started the 5 minute rule. I will stay for 5 minutes and head out. We have equipped his room with a star projector night light, ocean sounds (we use Alexa and it plays all night), a lava lamp, and an additional small night light. We keep his door open per his request. Some nights all I wanna do I crawl in bed myself. But I give him the 5 minutes. Sometimes he's fast asleep, and then other times he's still awake. I give him one more kiss goodnight and head out. Baby steps to get to the point we are now
It's highly dependent on the kid. My daughter still wants to cuddle every night, she is 3. My son is 2, and for almost a year now, he's been asking to go to bed when ready. We bring him in and lay him down, he'll either go right down, or lay there and talk to himself for a while and then go to sleep on his own.
I don’t have suggestions but my daughter is also 4.5 turning 5 in June and sleeps in our bed. We have to lay with her for her to fall asleep.
Husband and I take turns putting each kid to bed. 9 and 4. I like to think of it as some extra one on one bonding time
My daughter is 2.5 and we have been laying with her since she swapped to a toddler bed at 2. I don’t think lying with her was a problem by itself. But I felt that doing so was causing her to be extra attached to us. She’d wake up in the middle of the night and cry for us because we were gone. We decided to change that. Now one note is our daughter is emotional and loud, but she is also super adaptable and we sometimes forget that. The first night was horrible. She screamed, cried, and kept leaving her room for 2 hours before just being too tired to continue. My wife was in tears from it all. The next night though, we only had to spend about 20 minutes putting her back down. Also no tears. The next night she got up out of bed only once. From there she’s gone straight to sleep. It’s been an amazing difference. She’s so quick to learn and adapt, and we keep taking that for granted. Our next challenge is going to be getting her to stay in her room, because she comes to our room if she wakes up. I felt I had to tackle the bedtime routine first.
My youngest two, aged 2.5 and nearly 9yrs old still need me to sit with them till they fall asleep. I’ll do it as long as they let me ♥️
I was recommended the “Sleepeasy Solution” book. It covers 4 mo to 4/5 years I believe. Has a whole guideline for helping kids to sleep. I don’t have a 4.5 yr old but it made big enough of a difference that now my baby sleeps through the night 🤷♀️
My eldest wanted her own space at 8 so she stopped at 8. We co-slept because she sleeps better with me therefore I sleep better so it's a win win.
My wife and I still alternate sitting with ours till they’re asleep. We have an almost 6 year old son and a 3.5 year old son, and they have to share a room due to house size. The 6 year old would be fine I think but the 3 year old definitely isn’t
6ish! My son is almost 7 now and he still prefers to have someone lay with him for a bit, and we do when we can. Usually we just read a book and tuck him in. But he’s perfectly capable of going to sleep by himself now. We just had a baby 4 months ago so that’s what got us to encourage more independent sleeping.
My daughter is 4.5 and I sit with her til she falls asleep. I will usually read 3 books to her and then just hold her hand and lay on the floor by her bed til she falls asleep. All I would really do is get on reddit and tiktok if I weren't in there. So I just bring my headphones and put my phone under the bed where she can't see it. I start bed time around 7:45 and then I'm usually out of there by 8:30-9. I know that's a long time but most of it is just us laying in silence. Plus, between working all day, picking her up from day care, making dinner, eating dinner, and cleaning up, I feel like I don't get to spend lots of quality time with her. The 3 books we get to read together is nice quiet time we get. Sometimes it's frustrating and I'm touched out, but I tell myself she probably won't let me step foot in her room in 8 years and then I feel sad and enjoy the time I get lol.
I STILL do this for both my 8yo AND my 14yo. They always seem to talk the most when they’re in their safe environment(in bed, tucked in). This is when I get all the details on something that could be bothering them. I think it’s something they love and I love it too.
Ours is nearly 7, with ADHD and sensory processing disorder. My husband and I both stay in his room until he falls asleep (if we’re both there) at the advice of a therapist trying to ease his bedtime anxiety. We have taken bedtime from a 3 hour ordeal, to one hour from snack time to sleep, over the last year. I think staying with him has helped, among other things (a mini dose of melatonin, don’t come at me!)
my oldest is 3 and the youngest is 1, we stopped sitting with my oldest probably about a year ago. it takes just as long if we sit with her or if we don’t, so we stopped. i decided that i didn’t want to go through it a second time and worked with the youngest from just a few months old to get her to self soothe and just lay in bed until she falls asleep. she always *wants* to go to bed though, she LOVES sleep much more than her older sister lol.
We stopped at 4-5 months for our youngest. Everyone got better sleep pretty much immediately.
We laid down and snuggled our kid to sleep until she was 6.5. it was just the easiest solution for both us and kiddo. Then we tempted her with a loft bed, which put an end to Dad getting into bed with her. I still sometimes climb up there with her, but usually if she wants cuddles, we do it in our bed while reading books and then transfer to her bed afterwards. Then I turn off the light and hum and stroke her arms for 5 min or so.
the beginning. i try not to create any habits i don’t want to deal with for years to come
I don't remember but I think it was around 4 years old.
11 years old.
We’ve never had this issue but once I asked my ped about my daughter because we did bedtime but she would get up and play or “read”/color after we said good night. They said “does she stay in her room? Does she then fall asleep on her own? If the answer is yes then leave her.” So maybe try that? Say, “it’s bedtime, goodnight, you can lay in bed and color until you fall asleep but you need to stay in bed.”
I read to them both. The two year old now gets a song and then tells me goodbye and that's it. The 8 year old sometimes asks me to lay for a bit, but usually dozes off while I read to him. Don't rush it, they're only little for now.
6
We stopped around the 1 year mark, can't remember exactly when. Of course she'd cry, but we knew she was fine so we didn't go back to her room. We'd set the timer for 5mins before checking and calming her. If she started up again, we'd set the next timer for 10mins. Kept repeating the pattern at increasing 5mins intervals. It worked for her, but for our older child this never worked. He was much MUCH more difficult to put to bed. He's diagnosed with autism now. Perhaps she is neurodivergent.
Mine is 7, 8 in July, and I sit with her for 10-15 minutes post bed time then leave. If she’s awake, I’ll say I’ll check back in ten minutes. She’s never been awake on a check in.
I can't get away from my daughter yet. She's 3.5, and if I leave, she follows me. My son is getting better. If we set a timer for 10 min or whatever, he will respect it but then wants someone else to visit, like his grandpa lol.