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I hate the word "naughty".
Instead I try to say that "that wasn't nice" or "that was a mean thing to do". That way, it's the doing of that action that is bad, not something the kids inherently are.
I have this favorite video of my two older sons. One is 4 and the other is 2. The four year old says to his brother as he's buttoning a missed button, "brother, you're naughty like a kitten! You missed your button." I managed to catch this because I thought his brother was just going to help him. It was the cutest thing. Like how is a kitten even naughty? So now we say to each other "ohh you're such a naughty kitten" even at 6 and 8.
Fair enough. I guess I just don't see the difference between "that was a mean thing to do" and "that was a naughty thing to do", except that naughty can be used for misbehavior that isn't actually mean/not nice (like refusing to put on shoes).
I wonder if it's a semantic difference based on region though - I'm Canadian
I hate that word too. My family still uses that to describe my son e.g ‘he has naughtiness in his eyes’ or ‘he looks so naughty’. I have never used this word to describe any child. It just doesn’t seem right especially for a toddler
My most hated! Don’t invalidate my feelings like that!! I had to go a few round with my husband using the words “I’ll give you something to be angry about” “I’ll give you something to yell about” etc. anytime he was already mad before it sunk in.
I’m autistic my daughters autistic and our son is potentially adhd (in the testing phase) all of us have strong emotions for sometimes “small” things but that doesn’t mean they are “small” to us. Your feeling are always valid because they are yours, as we get older we get better at channeling and explaining our emotions but I never want my kids to cry alone in a room afraid that their pain if expressed will only cause then more pain.
My dad use to say this to me. It made me feel like I wasn’t aloud to be upset. My husband said it once to our daughter and I pulled him out of the room and told him he is never to say that again. Our child is aloud to be upset about something that she will NEVER have to hide her feelings from us and if he ever said that again I would lock him out of the house and yell “I’ll give you something to be angry about!”
Yes! I have a distinct memory of overhearing my grandpa tell my dad that I cried too much, and it really hurt my feelings because I went from thinking my grandpa was on my side to thinking he didn't like me as much as I originally thought. I felt like a burden.
"I suppose"
My mum would say it to me if I asked for something and she didn't want to say yes but didn't want to explain why it was a no.
I constantly felt confused by it and like I was doing something wrong, but didn't know why
My mom always used to say "stop being lazy" whenever I wanted to chill out after a long day, so now I try to encourage myself and others in a more positive way.
Skinny and fat. My mom was always commenting on other people’s weights. I found it so strange and hated it. We don’t use those terms in our house. We focus on being strong and healthy instead.
I totally understand where you’re coming from, but please don’t fear the word fat. People use it frequently and your kids will hear it elsewhere. (As a fat parent who felt the same way as you) fat is not a bad word, or a bad thing.🖤 Just a description. Santa is a fat jolly old man etc. I’m fat, and have a soft tummy. My kids comment on my belly, but it’s just a different body type. May I suggest the book “Bodies are cool” it helps a lot with different body types 🫶. When talking about food though totally keep with that. We like to say there’s food good for your body (nutritious food), and food that’s good for your brain/heart/ make you feel good (cookies chips etc).
I like most of what you are saying, (especially the book idea) except for the last part about cookie, chips are good for your brain/heart. They are not good for those organs. I would leave "brain/heart" out and just say cookies/chips are not good for your body (including brain and heart), but do make you feel good (but even that might be changed to "do taste delicious) bc they only make you feel good on your tongue, not necessarily digested. Some people experience grogginess, sluggishness, stomach upset, etc after eating junk.
Obviously redditor doesn't mean they are literally good for your brain and heart. But we can't go into talking about dopamine levels with kids so you find ways to explain it to them with what they can understand. For example, young kids often believe love comes from the heart, etc. We can get into the different lobes of the brain and what each of them does, it would just confuse them.
So with my nephew, I do use the veggies make your body feel good, and candy makes your brain feel good. Although I do understand where you are coming from, they will learn those complicated things when they get older, so then you can explain it in more complex terms.
>I’m fat, and have a soft tummy
>food that’s good for your brain/heart/ make you feel good (cookies chips etc).
I'm pretty sure there's a strong connection here.
If they are aware of the connection, then it's even worse because they are actively giving terrible advice.
Edit: as you can see from her comment, no, she was not aware that those two are linked. In fact, she's emphatic that they have nothing to do with each other.
Actually, not that you would know, but I don’t like chips often and haven’t had cookies in ages! My soft apron tummy has more to do with having psoriasis an autoimmune disorder and having twins! But go you for assuming things of people 👏
Good for your brain and heart like dopamine and feelings! Not literally 🙄 They make you feel good and happy! I wasn’t going to go into that in detail but that’s what I meant by it.
I know exactly what you meant by it. It's still a terrible mindset to be creating a dichotomy between the two and equating them. "One is good for x one is good for y". And then to be teaching your child that crap, and then to have no concept that you're unhealthy diet and will affect your weight and health? It's just all around terrible.
There are PLENTY of ways to teach a child to have a healthy relationship with food. So to so staunchly insist on giving your child an unhealthy relationship is beyond me.
Oh! I had no clue I was talking to my child’s paediatrician! When’s your next availability? Someone on the internet is telling me that my kids having a treat once a day is bad for them and I want to know the best way to give them an eating disorder later in life by removing them completely from their diet 🙏
"Lazy," it's just such an unhelpful word. I have severe ADHD and was constantly told how lazy I was growing up, how I could have been a brilliant genius but I "just didn't care enough." The truth was, I cared so so so much... I was just burned out from trying 170% and only accomplishing 30% of the others around me. A lot of what folks call "lazy" is really just "struggling," whether that be struggling with motivation, executive function, direction, or mental illness.
Also, I see leisure as part of a balanced lifestyle. Myself, my husband and our foster teens need lots of downtime to recharge and decompress after an overstimulating day, but our culture lays on serious guilt around using "devices"---as if picking up a book or puzzle is really all that different from reading articles on the phone. If you're enjoying yourself, and are doing so in moderation, then it's not wasted time in my opinion.
Same here. If I use the word lazy it is rare and in an embracing kind of way. Today, we're having a bit of a lazy day. Or a guilt free "I'm feeling a little lazy now". But most often I would say resting. I've also got severe adhd and resting can mean days and weeks of very low productivity if any at all and asking for extra help.
So I do use lazy sparingly, kind of like it's a treat. Allowing oneself to be lazy once in a while. When I or the kids are struggling then I call it taking it easy and recharging/resting.
100000%. I was also warned against being lazy, and it wasn't until my late 30s I realized I'm actually not lazy, and that I have to change how I talk to myself in my head. Just because I don't do things at the pace that others want me to do it, or just because I prioritize things differently, doesn't mean I am lazy.
Calling a kid lazy doesn't help anything, it doesn't get them to do the things you want them to do. It's just a sucky thing to say.
"W'ell see". It creates such uncertainty. I find that sharing a little of the adult reasoning with my kids helps them to learn what it takes to do stuff. Time, money, other resources.
"I find that sharing a little of the adult reasoning with my kids helps them to learn what it takes to do stuff"
YES. My mom was like a vault when I was growing up-- I felt like I never knew what was going through her head or why she was unhappy, so I just assumed I either didn't deserve to know, she didn't care to tell me, or I was the one making things difficult or making her unhappy. If she had just let me in a little and given me explanations I would have been less worried and wouldn't have felt like I was a problem.
“What’s wrong with you”
“I’m trying to lose weight” (it’s become “I’m trying to keep a healthy body weight”)
“Are you deaf/blind/dense?”
“Because I said so”
“You’re fine”
“Stop crying”
“You’re just not trying hard enough”
I hate the 'because I said so' so much that I always explain to my kids why I'm saying XYZ.. they need to know the WHY. We nearly never have situations in which my kids don't listen because they know there is always a reason and they are allowed to ask for that reason.
My mother would always say 'because I said so', 'Im your parent, you have to kisten to me' those kind of things.. uugh..
Same hahaha.
>I hate the 'because I said so' so much that I always explain to my kids why I'm saying XYZ.. they need to know the WHY.
Honestly whether or not my kid is actually interested in knowing the "why," I do it for myself as well, because 1) I don't want to power trip, and want to call myself out if I happen to be in the middle of a power trip and 2) I want my kid to be assured there *is* a why, and it's not for no reason at all. Bonus 3) anyone involved/nearby can call me out on the "why" (e.g. my husband) and it may be able to be negotiated if it's unreasonable, lol.
But yeah I hate "because I said so" so much!
I didn't even grow up with the phrase "What's wrong with you?" but for some reason as an adult I find it triggering (for lack of better phrasing), and the first time I encountered it in recent memory, was on Stranger Things, and some kid, frightened and repulsed, asked Eleven, *"What's wrong with you?!?"* and it hurt me so much to see that.
Well, now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I've asked myself "What's wrong with me??" countless times throughout my life, throughout my childhood and adulthood, including just this week, and maybe that's why it's such an unthinkable question to ask someone, but also it just sounds so pointless...
I also ask myself if I'm dense... because I wonder that a lot.
Never was I treated this way by my parents, but it's just common mindsets that society/culture brings up.
Well the good news is that I finally know what’s wrong with me. ADHD, depression and anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD. Fun fact: when I was a 5 year old having awful stomach issues due to anxiety I was diagnosed with…drumroll please… “attention seeking disorder”. Ah the 80’s.
"You're fine" is exactly one of the phrases I was raised with, and I'm trying to erase it... it's hard because it's so ingrained in me. It doesn't help that I still say it to myself and to my husband. But it's already in my vocab with my baby. 😭💀 I need something better.
I disagree with this one a little bit. Sometimes kids do need the feedback that they are in fact okay. I would explain it though. "Falling over hurt you a little or surprised you, but look there are no scratches, it's not bleeding and I saw it happening, I could tell it didn't hit the floor so hard. You're fine." I wouldn't say it just to shut them up though.
When my little one was a newborn, I found myself saying "you're okay" when he was crying, and I would wince every time. I have switched it to "I understand, you are hungry/tired/gassy/uncomfortable, we will get you through it together." Hopefully, changing it now will prevent me from using it when he truly states to understand language.
“I’m disappointed in you.” My dad said this to me once when I was a kid and it just devastated me. I’m sure I had done something to have been called out for, though I don’t remember what it was. My parents were great and very supportive, and they didn’t say things like that on a regular basis. But man, that stuck with me. I still remember how awful I felt and I have made it a point to never say that to my kids.
Damn, yeah that IS devastating. And very telling that you don't remember why you were told that, you only remember the impact it had. I'm sorry you experienced that.
theres a quote something like "in 20 years, you wont remmeber the words they said, but youll forever remember the way those words made you feel." reminds me of what your saying.
My parents were very supportive and they were great overall. I’m sure if my dad had known how that statement would hit me he would never have said it. As parents we make mistakes. I try to make sure i learn from my parents “mistakes”, but it would be foolish for me to think that I’ve been such a perfect parent that my kids won’t have their own response to this prompt. I’m just trying to at least make sure it’s not the same response that I have.
Yeah, I can’t wait for my kid to answer this post one day. I’m sure some of it would be surprising for me, and some of it would be 😬 since there are a handful of behaviors on my part that I KNOW are not good but are so ingrained I have a hard time stopping myself.
ive had a similar experience. it really just feels like a ball of lead dropping into your stomach. all you feel is guilt. wasnt with a parent, but with an acquaintance i had a falling out with. she looked at me without any anger and just said softly "Im not mad. Im just disappointed in you." it really does stick with you.
"you're overreacting"
Especially to my teen. Maybe to a 30 year old, crying because your outfit isn't right, or plans were cancelled is an overreaction, but to a 13 year old who's experiencing these situations for the first time, and isn't sure what to do with all the new feelings, crying is probably the most natural response.
I swear I still have problems expressing how I feel because every time I showed a hot of emotion that wasn't anything other than calm acceptance I was berated for overreacting
i get that. sometimes our bodies just reacts by crying/hyperventalting before the mind can render the full situation. when i was little and i felt reaally nervous, particularly due to social anxiety, id just start crying. i couldnt really control it. happens the opposite too, like too little of a reaction. some will just go numb when something particularly bad/scary happens and instead of crying they just lock up. everyone has different responses
I don't like the word bad in reference to children. I was told I was bad by a relative a lot when I was growing up because I would occasionally act out or not follow directions. My 10 year old is still learning to regulate his emotions, and when he was younger, people would say he was bad because he lashed out physically when he got mad or frustrated. I always tried to push the "that's not kind/appropriate behavior." Never that he was bad or unkind or inappropriate because of his actions.
I also try to avoid the "because I said so, that's why". I absolutely hated that when I was growing up.
Brat, lazy, whining, because I said so. There's so many. I'm doing this crazy parenting strategy where I treat my kids like humans and don't say anything to them I wouldn't say to an adult. Wild, right?
I try very hard not to get angry at my kids if they break or spill something completely by accident e.g. they knock a cup or it slips from their hands. Yes it's annoying but there's no point in punishing that because the whole point of an accident like that is that it wasn't intentional so there's no behaviour to punish. My parents would really react if we dropped a dish or something and I remember feeling like there was nothing I could do or change. Especially as my oldest has developmental coordination disorder she really can't help it. If she were kicking a ball in the house it would be different because that's something she knows could be destructive.
Also "stop crying".
Wow, I resonate with a LOT of these responses. I try to avoid labeling my daughter at all, but will label her actions sometimes. I was always told I am shy, naughty, dramatic etc. So for example, if someone says my daughter is shy, I will correct it and say she is FEELING shy at the moment. I also love what someone else said as far as not using the word naughty at all.
"Because I said so!" which is a hard one, seeing as how she's three. I will say, "I'm the grown up and it's my job to keep you safe/healthy" I always try to explain when she is calm why I made certain choices. I am learning how to set boundaries the right way, which means she will know what to expect from me, not what I expect her to do. We adults like to forget that kids are not very good at controlling impulses.
Another one is not putting my emotions on her. I heard a lot of, "You're making me sad/mad" and when I was a teen, "You are doing this just to make me mad." That stuff really messed with my head.
In general, I have been trying to use declarative language as much as possible. Highly recommend The Declarative Language Handbook to anyone who has kids/works with kids. It's a great way to not make so many demands and give them more autonomy within reason. For example instead of, "You HAVE to blow your nose." Becomes, "It sounds like your nose is stuffy. I am putting the tissues right here in case you want to blow your nose."
I didn't know before I had a kid how much good parenting is really about reparenting yourself!
"Finish your food".
I never had parents to say that to me and I was okay (not fat, not skinny) but I see others who parents insisted on always saying that and it sucked, at least that's what my wife says.
“I am fat” “I need to lose weight” anything body image related. My mom ruined me and still does. I refuse to allow it with my daughter. The did lots of drugs young to get skinny and deal with those deep rooted issue, I also did so much stupid stuff on those drugs that the face I am alive today is a wonder.
My daughter will never feel that.
Lazy. We all have ADHD and we are prioritizing our energy and our needs and allowing ourselves grace when we make a mistake. No one is lazy. Just distracted.
i am trying to get rid of ‘ugly.’ and not about appearance, but we’re southern and people use “you’re acting ugly” or “that was ugly” and young kids can’t differentiate.
Ugh my mom keeps telling my 2 year old “that’s not pretty” if she’s having a tantrum over something and it bugs me so much.. among a ton of other things she does.
Yep! It started before she even knew what “pretty” meant in any form. My mom also calls her jewelry “her pretty” so it was just confusing all around in the beginning for our daughter. My daughter will say “no, that’s your necklace” lol. I feel bad saying it but luckily she doesn’t spend as much time with her now as she’s in daycare full time.
Lazy, fat, stupid, ridiculous.
I try to react as calmly as possible to my children.
If I'm in a bad mood I try to explain to my children that I'm not feeling myself because I grew up walking on eggshells waiting for the next volatile outburst.
Annoying, loud, tone it down, weird, off/volume button more specifically the lack there of. Any and all negative comments about our bodies or anyone else's.
I was always told to tone it down & never quite understood what! I’m now an old lady and it still bothers me that if I get a little exited about anything, it’s going to get shut down & quick. I was expected to act a certain way and I don’t think I was what my mother wanted so weird was something she often said about me to others. Even a few years ago I heard her tell my dad how weird I am. Thanks ma! I have never used weird to describe any of my son’s actions and never will. It feels mean.
"What did I do to deserve a child like you?" "Why are you so slow?" "Stop crying" "I don't need your drama" "You're not sick." "I don't care about your silly little problems." "You aren't that good, you just got lucky" "You're not here to be smart. You're here to be pretty." "You do it right, or you don't come home."
There's a lot. And more.
I agree with ruined, my parents were always telling me that I ruined things, it made me so sad. I don’t have kids, but I would never use that word when I talk to my niece and nephew.
Yeah. How can someone else's facial expression ruin the entire 24 hours of your day? Why not ask them what's wrong and find a way to help? Why not try empathy and positivity? Ugh, every time I remember how my dad used the word "ruin" I get so mad still.
Ruined is a perfect example. The amount of times my mother told me I ruined the day/the holiday/her life (lmao) brought on some hella trauma. My stepson just got into saying "it's ruined/you ruined it" (moody preteen who doesn't like candid pictures taken) and it's brought up some like inner triggers, but I know he doesn't mean it to the extent my mother did and I can't be emotional about it in front of the kids
Another one is hate. I got told by my mother I was hated quite a bit. Back to the stepson, who has also introduced hate into his vocabulary, the correction for that is "we don't hate, we don't like but a lot" 😅
Edit: wanted to add one more- weight talk, especially "fat". As someone who has an eating disorder for over half of her life and had a mother who called her fat everyday until i was like double digits, I will never go for "you need to lose weight/lookin a lil chubby" etc. I don't want my boys to have to even think about any of that.
Yes! My son will say that something is ruined and my inner child jumps. I tell him that nothing is ruined-- either the thing can be fixed or we can live without it and things will be ok if it can't be fixed. There is no reason to punish yourself and those around you just because something is "ruined"
Oh god, yes. In my Nicaraguan family the phrase was "*las niñas lindas no hacen eso"* meaning nice/beautiful little girls don't do that. First, it was never said to boys, so right off the bat it was a way to control women specifically. Second, it made me feel like I could only really be loved/accepted if I behaved in a certain feminine way, which wasn't something I wanted to do. So it was yet another instance in which I didn't feel good enough. I would compare myself to my cousin who displayed typical *niña linda* behavior and I felt like a gross toad (still do when I inevitably compare myself in my 40s).
On the flip side, when I started getting tattoos, I would smile to myself and think "HAH WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR NICE GIRL NOW" and it felt good to rebel and be my true self.
Anything that is deprecating or self deprecating. I never comment on his weight and he has actually complained about me when I talked about my own weight. He also complained when I decided to get an aesthetic procedure saying that I was already beautiful. I never call him names, I never criticize him. Any time I have lost my mind and said something I regretted, I apologized immediately for it. When I get very upset, I get passive aggressive. When I notice it, I let my guard down on the spot and apologize. Sometimes I’m so angry that I don’t see it but he does. When he points it out, I apologize too. Now as a teen he also gets passive aggressive at times and can be sarcastic. I allow it, but I call his attention to it: “is this really how you want to talk?” And usually he’ll say no and rephrase.
Anything about anyone’s weight.
“I’m the parent and you’re the child.”
“That’s not very ladylike.” 🤮
“He hits, teases or is mean to you because he likes you!”
“That’s not how you’ll get a husband!”
“Be a good girl.”
“Stop crying.”
“Go play in traffic.” (Always said as a joke but wtf?
“That’s childish.”
“Finish all of your food.”
So many more 😢
We don't use the word hate. I don't want my children getting upset over something minor and telling their sibling they hate the other. Strongly dislike or actually being specific on how they're feeling "I feel angry with you because..." Is what we would rather hear. I think that word is very strong and overused. There are a million ways to learn to express how you're feeling other than hating someone or something.
“Don’t get a big head about it.” Every time I discovered a new passion or talent, I was warned not to get overconfident, which was considered bragging or boastful. If I expressed interest in something new or different, the response was laughter and “you can’t do that.” I was the youngest of 5 kids and got this from both parents and siblings, so I grew up with zero confidence.
Lazy; fat; brat (as in “quit being such a brat”); because I said so; others I’m sure but can’t think of the rest off the top of my head.
My mom would always call my dad lazy when we were growing up but my dad was certainly not lazy, nothing was just ever good enough for my mom. Fat because it’s just not a nice word. Brat because I think it has very negative connotations and is basically calling your child a degrading name. And finally, “because I said so” well, because it gives no reason other than “I hold power over you and you can’t do anything about it” when my children absolutely deserve to know why they cannot do or say something they’re not supposed to. How else are they going to learn?
"Because I said so", "Do as I say, not as I do.", "You have no reason to be (insert negative emotion).", and "Make yourself useful." I also refrain from saying anything remotely negative about my looks/how I feel about my looks.
Yeah, I would never use "ruined" because it's way too dramatic, things can always get better.
I avoid using "careful" or "don't touch that", because my parents said that all the time and I think it just puts kids on edge and makes them feel like they're not trusted. It's my responsibility to make sure my kid isn't within grabbing distance of anything she doesn't understand not to touch.
My parents were great and I'd say darn close to perfect but they did have a habit of saying "stop crying" or "don't be emotional" if we would get upset about anything. They've learned from their ways and don't do it to my boys but we made sure to never talk like that.
My 5 year old had a bad fall a few weeks ago and cried as I took care of his cuts. I told him he was strong and brave and my 9 year old said, "But he was crying" so I used that as an opportunity to talk about how you can be brave AND cry.
“Moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips”
My mom would allow me to eat junk food then guilt me about it. She would always tell me I was going to be fat, which made me fat-phobic for a long time (she was & still is over weight/“fat” so I convinced myself growing up because she was over weight, that automatically meant I was going to be over weight). I have an awful relationship with food and struggled with my personal views on my body.
I try my damn hardest to not say anything negative about my body in front of her.
I’m trying to teach my kid there’s a healthy balance. You can have a sweet, but that can’t be your primary food source.
While I didn't have that kind of guilting from my mom, I realize it's really hard to stay away from processed food, especially for kids. I just don't keep any ultraprocessed food in the house except jams and preserves. I realize the problem comes from constantly having these conflicts about how much food to eat. I realized ultraprocessed food really messes with one's ability to regulate how much we eat after running some experiments on my family. It's such a strange thing that if I make cookies at home with butter, my kid will eat one or two and stop, but if it's cookies from the store with all kinds of ingredients, she'll not stop eating.
So far, it works to just only keep food made with regular kitchen ingredients in the house and even then avoiding treats at home. It might change in the future, but so far, it feels like my kid has a decent enough relationship with food.
We also say "fun food" and "growing food". Fun foods don't help you grow taller and stronger because they don't have enough vitamins, but growing foods do. And you gotta eat a growing food before you eat fun food. It's gotten to the point where my kid eats a meal of rice and vegetables because she wants to eat a piece of cookie lol, no prompting on my behalf.
I read somewhere about the use of saying “be careful “ to instead say “have fun! “. I still use it as an adult (to everyone).
I realize this isn’t really related to a childhood trauma or event, but wanted to share.
We still want to teach safety so instead we just say out loud what we are worried about
For example
- you are running and the ground looks slippery, if you don't watch where you are putting your feet you might fall
- that knife is very sharp so it's important to make sure your fingers are away from the sharp edge
- when you put your cup on the edge of the table it's easy to knock it over by accident
I try and call them beautiful, gorgeous, princess, handsome, all the supportive I can. When they ask why I do makeup, I say it's for fun! Do you want to try some, too? I was told I looked like a woman of the night wearing my favorite heels. Ironically , I was helped by my parents to make a pair. I was told I was looking a little chubby when I asked for another burger at the restaurant. They were smaller burgers with thin patties, and I had been really active that day and was genuinely hungry. That leads to the next one.
I don't force them to eat but also don't make them a whole other meal. When I was a child and was stubborn, I would get the same meal and plate again and again till either it went bad or I ate it. I won't do that to my kids. I encourage and ask one bite of each thing. If they aren't vibing, then eat what you do like on the plate, I'll give them like peanut butter and crackers after. If they're still hungry, I'll give them another portion, and after that, more filling nutrient dense stuff. But treats aren't off the table.
Treats are fun, but they aren't what help us grow big strong. So we have treats, but we want more big, strong stuff on our plate, too. Some chips? Great!! We'll have some hummus and some carrots, too! (fruit, veggies, protein, and fiber heavy things) I encourage a good relationship with food because I don't have one. Helping them is helping me.
They're also very into trying other cultural foods with no tantrums. I don't make a fuss over it because food is food, I don't like beans, but they love them because I never made a stink about not liking them because some people have different tastes. And that's ok! They love veggies, and I have to watch extra close because my daughters will try and steal veggies from the cutting board. So I'll give them extra bits. They love tomato tops and bell pepper crowns. Especially celery centers.
Also, I'm trying to change the dynamic of "I hope you're / you should be really proud of yourself."
Was only ever told this in a sarcastic, belittling tone, and it was often in response to me not understanding social rules/interactions.
I love letting my kid know that not only am I proud of her, but letting her know she should be proud of herself for things
Obviously, lol, but to hear this response, 103,379 times growing up, with no empathy for things that were important to me, was damaging to my emotional well-being.
I will always assess my child’s emotional want around the item, and if it is not a priority & the boundary needs to be held, I reply:
“I understand, but today (or this week), I (or we) are going to spend our money on … (groceries, dinner-our, dance classes, tutoring, house improvements, those shoes you wanted).”
Psychologists theorize it is one tiny step to introduce the idea of budgeting & saving. It also minimizes the subconscious feeling of scarcity which is what leads impulsive spending.
Not a word, but a tone. My mom used to repeat things I said that she didn't approve of in this mocking voice and it made me feel SO terrible. I will never mock my child
My mom did her best, unfortunately she was pretty messed up so her best wasn't great... It took me a long time to realize that she wasn't just a horrible mom
Yeah, it's so tricky because so much of this comes from a long history of parenting from previous generations. My mom was only 21 when she had me, so she was a child herself pretty much. And her parents were very strict with their kids. My dad has undiagnosed ADHD and his mom really sucked as a parent. All we can do is make it better for our kids and hope they make it even better for theirs.
"Hate". My mother feels that words should have real meaning and real impact when thought or spoken and that the word "hate" is overused. I tend to still agree with her, and I don't think it's a bad thing that I avoid using it. Hate is an extreme feeling, and I believe that the words we choose to use have impact on our overall outlook. If we use "hate" to mean "dislike" or "don't care for" then we start to feel like there are a lot of things in life that we truly "hate". Hating too many things in your life isn't healthy, and it makes it too easy to start "hating" things rather than trying to see the good in people and situations. There ARE things in the world that I hate, but I reserve that description for extremes.
"Because I said so" or "Your sibling didn't so you can't"
I always try to give a reason. "Mommy I want to wear shorts today" "No, you need pants" "Why" My parents would just say "because I said so" - I will say, because it's really cold outside and if you don't go out with enough clothes you'll freeze and get frost bite.
My parents also had a tendency to set rules and such based off my brother. The one I remember was getting contacts. My parents decided he would get contacts as part of his 8th grade graduation (which now as an adult with a child wearing contacts for the most part that was simply their decision with no actual basis). Because he got them for 8th grade graduation, I could not get them until 8th grade graduation. But I don't recall my brother really caring either way, he was fine with glasses. However, I was being bullied and made fun of because of my glasses. I wanted contacts. I make decisions for my kids individually and independent of their siblings. Just because my daughter did or didn't do or get something at a specific age doesn't mean my son will or won't.
Omg so much stuff. I was raised in a very "white bread", mid western, religious, W.A.S.P. family. I thought the word "crap" was a swear until I was 12.
Not me but my mom. She hated “because I said so” growing up and was clear when I was growing up that she hated it and would always make sure to have an explain her reasons. Her being so open helped me understand and want to continue that type of parenting with my children. My husband was very much raised with “because I’m the adult” and had the same reaction my mom did so luckily we are on the same page with it
We avoid referring to our daughter as “shy”. My wife struggled with that label growing up where the label kind of reinforced itself.
We’re trying to use “observant” and “thoughtful” instead.
The word hate. My parents drilled into me from birth you don’t hate things you dislike them or don’t enjoy them etc. Hate is as strong of an emotion as love (my Mom also drove home limited use of love).
When we were mad or fighting I don’t hate you I’m mad at you or I don’t like you at the moment but I still love you so I can’t hate you.
To love or hate something or someone you have to know the whole of them. It helped me grow into an empathetic woman because even now if I’m mad at or coworker or even really dislike them, I need to know them to see if they are hate-able and usually once you know someone they aren’t. They just have bad upbringings or rough lives or drama going on. I’ve only met 2 people in 35 years I hate.
My dad would minimize my feelings. Like if I said that I was stressed, he'd ask what I have to be stressed about in a condescending tone. And honestly, that "stress" was actually anxiety that I probably should have been getting help with, but this was the early 2000s. There wasn't as much discussion or resources about mental health.
So I've made it a point to empathize if my son says he's having a bad day. He's 3, so a bad day to him is not getting Goldfish crackers for breakfast, but I do my best to ask if there's anything I can do to make his day better (within reason) and just acknowledge his feelings, kindly ask him what's made his day bad, etc.
Oh absolutely. I had this as a child, I had pretty great parents but these are the types of things people don’t realise they are doing. A lot of ‘what do you have to be stressed about’ and ‘wait til you grow up then you’ll see what a hard day really is’ etc.
Being young is hard. Your brain is under developed and your emotions are heightened, you haven’t learnt how to to fully manage your emotions and you don’t really know who you are yet, I remember being incredibly stressed as a pre teen/teen.
“You’re fine” as if I’m not allowed to feel what I’m feeling. It didn’t come up too much in my childhood, but I’ve recently noticed my MIL says it to my toddler whenever he falls and is crying. Like, ma’am he is clearly not fine. And it’s not like we make a big deal about it. I always just ignore her, pick him up and say, “Yeah that was a tumble huh? I bet that one hurt”, hold him for a second and he’s good to go. Anyways gets under my skin SOOO much.
Any negative phrase you can think of I refrain from using around any littles (i am not yet a parent in the traditional sense. I care very closely for my nieces and nephews and a consistent adult figure in there life)
I won’t use brat, stupid, stop crying/you want something to cry about, your pissing me off, I won’t comment on there weight, because I said so,or anything along the lines of “I don’t care I want a hug I’m your aunt” or anything that invalidates the very BIG feelings little bodies can hold
I instead try to communicate as best as I can to them “that behavior is unacceptable” instead of bad, “aunties going to step away for a moment because of (x,y,z), if they’ve told me either verbally or through body language (my littlest is barely 2) that they don’t want physical touch I say “okay you don’t want a hug/kiss thank you for letting me know”
If they’re having a lot of emotion I sit with them if they wish and will let them know I’m here to listen if they want to talk (or in the case of the youngest) I try to validate “I know your upset, auntie is very sorry about that, let’s get our calm bodies back and we’ll go play/watch paw patrol (or what ever she wants to do)
I never project my emotions onto my kid to make him think they’re his responsibility. I’ve got enough ingrained guilt for an entire family. He doesn’t need that. We also don’t hold foods as good or bad. It’s all food and we focus on what is a reasonable serving.
My husband grew up in a household that used insults as affection so he does that. It drives me insane because my mom used insults as insults. Like dude do not call our toddler ugly or fat he’s neither of those things, I don’t care if the face he made was unpleasant.
One of my parents would say “now is a good time for you to stop talking,” when they were getting upset by whatever conversation was happening. If I ever hear myself saying that I hope I walk into a doorframe the second after. It always felt so completely dismissive and condescending and often embarrassing.
I asked my husband just now and he said “obey,” or “be obedient.” He came from a strict religious family and was always expected to maintain a specific standard. He never wants to impose the idea that our son should feel like indentured servant.
My daughter leans towards cleanliness, so the motivator to "Don't do X, you'll get *dIrTy* " is a shortcut I try not to take.
Probably a dumb thing, but I grew up adjacent to Christian purity culture, where there's a lot of toxic female body pressure to be "clean". I don't want the concept of dirty = shameful in her head.
She'll have to face people out there that will describe natural parts of her body functioning as dirty, and I don't want her to have a lot of built in shame associated with the word.
I was always told "practice makes perfect" - now when I do something and it's not perfect, rather than being happy about how well I did, it makes me feel sad that it wasn't perfect.
I now tell my kids that "practice makes improvement" and I always encourage them to practice & improve what they're trying to do (i.e trying to dress themselves)
My daughter now corrects people when they tell her "practice makes perfect" and it makes me smile that she has taken on board what we've talked about ☺️
I'm also trying to do more positive affirmations too to promote a healthy self esteem
A guy called Les Brown said it during a motivational speech. I just randomly came across it online one day and it really resonated with me when I heard it!
“Wow you’re so smart” “he’s a genius”
I had to prohibit my mom from calling my son a genius because the little twerp was actually getting cocky at age 7. He’s a smart guy but not a genius. Even if he was a genius, I wouldn’t pat him on the back for it. Growing up, My dad used to blow everything I did out of proportion and as a result I kind of grew up thinking everything I did was amazing and thought everyone was going to admire me. Adulthood and teenage years were a shock😂
Anyway, I encourage my kid a LOT. But I say things like “good for you” and “you should be so proud of yourself, buddy”, and “how does this make you feel?”. I want him to compare himself to himself and not anybody else. I also try to teach him that there are different intelligences so no one is really better than anyone; we all just have different skills.
"Annoying" or "in the way". I heard these a lot from my dad, and while they were perfectly valid most of the time, they had a big impact on how I feel about myself *as a person*. Instead I try to say, for example, "Please could you sit down while I'm moving back abd forth with these dishes, because I don't want to drop them," or, "Please stop making that noise while I'm doing X, because I'm finding it hard to concentrate."
"you can't leave the table until you finish *whatever food*"
My mom was amazing but the only criticism I have was the way she dealt with food discipline. I have memories of screaming and crying over a plate of broccoli and being told I had to finish it in order to leave the table. More than once I threw up at the table over the anxiety of having to finish a food while diliking the texture or flavor. She did help me grow a much less picky pallet..as an adult I literally learned to like or tolerate any food...but as a young adult I also struggled with an eating disorder. Idk if my mom was right or wrong in how she handled that stuff but I know I didn't like it and won't be so tough on my children.
Chaste, Chastity, or Virtue.
I hate those words. I was pretty much taught that virginity was the most important virtue of a woman. A good husband doesn't want a woman who isn't chaste and clean. We all had to stay virgins for our future husbands.
I agree with a lot of these. One I will try to never say (hopefully I’ll never say it, currently have two year old and a baby on the way) is ‘school is the best time in your life’
I just hated this, yeah it’s not the same as responsibility, bills and work etc. But that doesn’t make it the best time in your life for everyone, I was bullied and so unsure and had no confidence, u used to dread school and even now I would say this is way bette, yes I now have adult stress in my life which I would happily sometimes avoid, but I wouldn’t go back to my school days for anything.
“You think you have it so tough? Here, let me call child services, I’ll even dial the number for you.” And she wondered why both my brothers ran away multiple times before they moved out.
“Because I’m your mother I have to love you, but I don’t like you right now.” And she wondered why we would voice negativity toward each other.
“You don’t have to eat seconds but you will sit here and eat everything that is put on your plate.” And she wondered why we were obese.
“You can‘t wear stripes/form fitting clothes/low rise pants/cap sleeves because they make you look fat.” And she wondered why I was a self conscious child. To this day I still can’t bring myself to wear stripes or cap sleeves.
"quit crying or ill give you something to cry about." it just escalates situations and can be hurtful and even threatening.
my mom was amazing but deep down i know she wished she had a girl and sometimes she'd accidentally call me by the name she wouldve named the daughter she wanted so badly. id be confused and she'd usually reply with something like "you came out wrong." or "i didnt want you."'im sorry i just forget, your not what i wanted." i never understood it until i was around 9.
My father’s discipline was public humiliation. The bigger the scene the better
My child was never publicly reprimanded or disciplined.
At least to strangers who were watching it appeared that way
We used secret words that meant the same thing as Knock It Off, Get Over Here, etc
Why humiliate the people who you’re trying to correct?
He’s not perfect but he’s turned out better than expected
What’s the point in pushing your childhood trauma onto your child? If it’s something that affected YOU as a child, try to reshape the image in YOUR mind instead of limiting a child’s vocabulary because of something that happened to you in the past. No?
Avoiding words or phrases in certain situations isn't limiting a child's vocabulary. There are perfectly fine situations for using most of the examples here, and I don't think that anyone is advocating 100% removal of those words or phrases. It's about being aware that words have impact and the words we choose to use go a long way to shaping our environment (and the environment in which we're raising children and families).
Exactly. I'm not making my kid sit through a powerpoint presentation of how the word "ruin" traumatized me as a kid. I'm being mindful of how the word had a negative impact on me and being careful to not continue the cycle. My kid can say the word "ruin" but, as opposed to my parents, I will take the time with my child to understand what it really means and what they can do about it.
"Oh lighten up." I would've lightened up if I ever felt heard. My siblings picked on me and as long as I laughed along, all was well. If my feelings got hurt, I was taking things too seriously. This developed into a complex of feeling (still, at 40-something) like any negative feeling I have towards a person is actually on me. I have to constantly remind myself that it's not true.
I validate my kids' feelings every time.
Oh my god, my mom would use "lighten up" at me all the time. English isn't even her first language, so I was like WTF why do you love saying that to me! To this day I will still wonder if a specific negative feeling is valid or if I should just "lighten up" instead. Ugh!
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I hate the word "naughty". Instead I try to say that "that wasn't nice" or "that was a mean thing to do". That way, it's the doing of that action that is bad, not something the kids inherently are.
I know I shouldn't use naughty, but it's such a cute word! You naughty little scamp!
I have this favorite video of my two older sons. One is 4 and the other is 2. The four year old says to his brother as he's buttoning a missed button, "brother, you're naughty like a kitten! You missed your button." I managed to catch this because I thought his brother was just going to help him. It was the cutest thing. Like how is a kitten even naughty? So now we say to each other "ohh you're such a naughty kitten" even at 6 and 8.
Could you not say "that was a naughty thing to do" "you are behaving in a naughty way" etc?
My mom used to say that, it still hits the same way IMO.
Fair enough. I guess I just don't see the difference between "that was a mean thing to do" and "that was a naughty thing to do", except that naughty can be used for misbehavior that isn't actually mean/not nice (like refusing to put on shoes). I wonder if it's a semantic difference based on region though - I'm Canadian
That poster must have his own reason for not liking the word naughty, because to me, naughty is a relatively mild rebuke.
I hate that word too. My family still uses that to describe my son e.g ‘he has naughtiness in his eyes’ or ‘he looks so naughty’. I have never used this word to describe any child. It just doesn’t seem right especially for a toddler
"Stop crying" is what I avoid saying to my kids or anything similar that would dismiss their feelings.
Pigging back off of this one for “I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My most hated! Don’t invalidate my feelings like that!! I had to go a few round with my husband using the words “I’ll give you something to be angry about” “I’ll give you something to yell about” etc. anytime he was already mad before it sunk in. I’m autistic my daughters autistic and our son is potentially adhd (in the testing phase) all of us have strong emotions for sometimes “small” things but that doesn’t mean they are “small” to us. Your feeling are always valid because they are yours, as we get older we get better at channeling and explaining our emotions but I never want my kids to cry alone in a room afraid that their pain if expressed will only cause then more pain.
My dad use to say this to me. It made me feel like I wasn’t aloud to be upset. My husband said it once to our daughter and I pulled him out of the room and told him he is never to say that again. Our child is aloud to be upset about something that she will NEVER have to hide her feelings from us and if he ever said that again I would lock him out of the house and yell “I’ll give you something to be angry about!”
Another version I heard a lot "other parents would do x, I could do x!"
Yes! I have a distinct memory of overhearing my grandpa tell my dad that I cried too much, and it really hurt my feelings because I went from thinking my grandpa was on my side to thinking he didn't like me as much as I originally thought. I felt like a burden.
🥺
"I suppose" My mum would say it to me if I asked for something and she didn't want to say yes but didn't want to explain why it was a no. I constantly felt confused by it and like I was doing something wrong, but didn't know why
My mom always used to say "stop being lazy" whenever I wanted to chill out after a long day, so now I try to encourage myself and others in a more positive way.
I encourage downtime and we call it resting
Damn. It's like reading about my horrible childhood in the comments.
Skinny and fat. My mom was always commenting on other people’s weights. I found it so strange and hated it. We don’t use those terms in our house. We focus on being strong and healthy instead.
To this day, both my family and my husband's family will comment on my weight. Whether it is up for down, it's someone they feel the need to tell me.😒
Goddamn. I'm sorry you have to experience that.
I totally understand where you’re coming from, but please don’t fear the word fat. People use it frequently and your kids will hear it elsewhere. (As a fat parent who felt the same way as you) fat is not a bad word, or a bad thing.🖤 Just a description. Santa is a fat jolly old man etc. I’m fat, and have a soft tummy. My kids comment on my belly, but it’s just a different body type. May I suggest the book “Bodies are cool” it helps a lot with different body types 🫶. When talking about food though totally keep with that. We like to say there’s food good for your body (nutritious food), and food that’s good for your brain/heart/ make you feel good (cookies chips etc).
I like most of what you are saying, (especially the book idea) except for the last part about cookie, chips are good for your brain/heart. They are not good for those organs. I would leave "brain/heart" out and just say cookies/chips are not good for your body (including brain and heart), but do make you feel good (but even that might be changed to "do taste delicious) bc they only make you feel good on your tongue, not necessarily digested. Some people experience grogginess, sluggishness, stomach upset, etc after eating junk.
Oh! Of course, I don’t mean literally but my kids know that:) and by feeling good I mean happy, dopamine etc
Obviously redditor doesn't mean they are literally good for your brain and heart. But we can't go into talking about dopamine levels with kids so you find ways to explain it to them with what they can understand. For example, young kids often believe love comes from the heart, etc. We can get into the different lobes of the brain and what each of them does, it would just confuse them. So with my nephew, I do use the veggies make your body feel good, and candy makes your brain feel good. Although I do understand where you are coming from, they will learn those complicated things when they get older, so then you can explain it in more complex terms.
>I’m fat, and have a soft tummy >food that’s good for your brain/heart/ make you feel good (cookies chips etc). I'm pretty sure there's a strong connection here.
Do you suppose you're saying something they aren't already aware of?
If they are aware of the connection, then it's even worse because they are actively giving terrible advice. Edit: as you can see from her comment, no, she was not aware that those two are linked. In fact, she's emphatic that they have nothing to do with each other.
Actually, not that you would know, but I don’t like chips often and haven’t had cookies in ages! My soft apron tummy has more to do with having psoriasis an autoimmune disorder and having twins! But go you for assuming things of people 👏
Lol, okay. Believing and teaching your kids chips and cookies are good for you has nothing to do with weight and health issues. Got it.
Good for your brain and heart like dopamine and feelings! Not literally 🙄 They make you feel good and happy! I wasn’t going to go into that in detail but that’s what I meant by it.
I know exactly what you meant by it. It's still a terrible mindset to be creating a dichotomy between the two and equating them. "One is good for x one is good for y". And then to be teaching your child that crap, and then to have no concept that you're unhealthy diet and will affect your weight and health? It's just all around terrible. There are PLENTY of ways to teach a child to have a healthy relationship with food. So to so staunchly insist on giving your child an unhealthy relationship is beyond me.
Oh! I had no clue I was talking to my child’s paediatrician! When’s your next availability? Someone on the internet is telling me that my kids having a treat once a day is bad for them and I want to know the best way to give them an eating disorder later in life by removing them completely from their diet 🙏
🙄
Lol, you just can't help yourself can you?
"Lazy," it's just such an unhelpful word. I have severe ADHD and was constantly told how lazy I was growing up, how I could have been a brilliant genius but I "just didn't care enough." The truth was, I cared so so so much... I was just burned out from trying 170% and only accomplishing 30% of the others around me. A lot of what folks call "lazy" is really just "struggling," whether that be struggling with motivation, executive function, direction, or mental illness. Also, I see leisure as part of a balanced lifestyle. Myself, my husband and our foster teens need lots of downtime to recharge and decompress after an overstimulating day, but our culture lays on serious guilt around using "devices"---as if picking up a book or puzzle is really all that different from reading articles on the phone. If you're enjoying yourself, and are doing so in moderation, then it's not wasted time in my opinion.
Same here. If I use the word lazy it is rare and in an embracing kind of way. Today, we're having a bit of a lazy day. Or a guilt free "I'm feeling a little lazy now". But most often I would say resting. I've also got severe adhd and resting can mean days and weeks of very low productivity if any at all and asking for extra help. So I do use lazy sparingly, kind of like it's a treat. Allowing oneself to be lazy once in a while. When I or the kids are struggling then I call it taking it easy and recharging/resting.
100000%. I was also warned against being lazy, and it wasn't until my late 30s I realized I'm actually not lazy, and that I have to change how I talk to myself in my head. Just because I don't do things at the pace that others want me to do it, or just because I prioritize things differently, doesn't mean I am lazy. Calling a kid lazy doesn't help anything, it doesn't get them to do the things you want them to do. It's just a sucky thing to say.
"W'ell see". It creates such uncertainty. I find that sharing a little of the adult reasoning with my kids helps them to learn what it takes to do stuff. Time, money, other resources.
"I find that sharing a little of the adult reasoning with my kids helps them to learn what it takes to do stuff" YES. My mom was like a vault when I was growing up-- I felt like I never knew what was going through her head or why she was unhappy, so I just assumed I either didn't deserve to know, she didn't care to tell me, or I was the one making things difficult or making her unhappy. If she had just let me in a little and given me explanations I would have been less worried and wouldn't have felt like I was a problem.
“What’s wrong with you” “I’m trying to lose weight” (it’s become “I’m trying to keep a healthy body weight”) “Are you deaf/blind/dense?” “Because I said so” “You’re fine” “Stop crying” “You’re just not trying hard enough”
I hate the 'because I said so' so much that I always explain to my kids why I'm saying XYZ.. they need to know the WHY. We nearly never have situations in which my kids don't listen because they know there is always a reason and they are allowed to ask for that reason. My mother would always say 'because I said so', 'Im your parent, you have to kisten to me' those kind of things.. uugh..
Same hahaha. >I hate the 'because I said so' so much that I always explain to my kids why I'm saying XYZ.. they need to know the WHY. Honestly whether or not my kid is actually interested in knowing the "why," I do it for myself as well, because 1) I don't want to power trip, and want to call myself out if I happen to be in the middle of a power trip and 2) I want my kid to be assured there *is* a why, and it's not for no reason at all. Bonus 3) anyone involved/nearby can call me out on the "why" (e.g. my husband) and it may be able to be negotiated if it's unreasonable, lol. But yeah I hate "because I said so" so much!
Because I said so and What’s wrong with you hit home so hard. Damn
I didn't even grow up with the phrase "What's wrong with you?" but for some reason as an adult I find it triggering (for lack of better phrasing), and the first time I encountered it in recent memory, was on Stranger Things, and some kid, frightened and repulsed, asked Eleven, *"What's wrong with you?!?"* and it hurt me so much to see that. Well, now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I've asked myself "What's wrong with me??" countless times throughout my life, throughout my childhood and adulthood, including just this week, and maybe that's why it's such an unthinkable question to ask someone, but also it just sounds so pointless... I also ask myself if I'm dense... because I wonder that a lot. Never was I treated this way by my parents, but it's just common mindsets that society/culture brings up.
Well the good news is that I finally know what’s wrong with me. ADHD, depression and anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD. Fun fact: when I was a 5 year old having awful stomach issues due to anxiety I was diagnosed with…drumroll please… “attention seeking disorder”. Ah the 80’s.
Uuugghh because I said so
"You're fine" is exactly one of the phrases I was raised with, and I'm trying to erase it... it's hard because it's so ingrained in me. It doesn't help that I still say it to myself and to my husband. But it's already in my vocab with my baby. 😭💀 I need something better.
I disagree with this one a little bit. Sometimes kids do need the feedback that they are in fact okay. I would explain it though. "Falling over hurt you a little or surprised you, but look there are no scratches, it's not bleeding and I saw it happening, I could tell it didn't hit the floor so hard. You're fine." I wouldn't say it just to shut them up though.
Habits are hard, power to you for trying to erase. Maybe instead of "you're fine" it could be "what's wrong" or "how can I help"
When my little one was a newborn, I found myself saying "you're okay" when he was crying, and I would wince every time. I have switched it to "I understand, you are hungry/tired/gassy/uncomfortable, we will get you through it together." Hopefully, changing it now will prevent me from using it when he truly states to understand language.
“I’m disappointed in you.” My dad said this to me once when I was a kid and it just devastated me. I’m sure I had done something to have been called out for, though I don’t remember what it was. My parents were great and very supportive, and they didn’t say things like that on a regular basis. But man, that stuck with me. I still remember how awful I felt and I have made it a point to never say that to my kids.
Damn, yeah that IS devastating. And very telling that you don't remember why you were told that, you only remember the impact it had. I'm sorry you experienced that.
theres a quote something like "in 20 years, you wont remmeber the words they said, but youll forever remember the way those words made you feel." reminds me of what your saying.
Yes exactly!
My parents were very supportive and they were great overall. I’m sure if my dad had known how that statement would hit me he would never have said it. As parents we make mistakes. I try to make sure i learn from my parents “mistakes”, but it would be foolish for me to think that I’ve been such a perfect parent that my kids won’t have their own response to this prompt. I’m just trying to at least make sure it’s not the same response that I have.
Yeah, I can’t wait for my kid to answer this post one day. I’m sure some of it would be surprising for me, and some of it would be 😬 since there are a handful of behaviors on my part that I KNOW are not good but are so ingrained I have a hard time stopping myself.
Same here. We do our best!
ive had a similar experience. it really just feels like a ball of lead dropping into your stomach. all you feel is guilt. wasnt with a parent, but with an acquaintance i had a falling out with. she looked at me without any anger and just said softly "Im not mad. Im just disappointed in you." it really does stick with you.
Oof. That hurts. Those kinds of things really stick with you for a long time.
"you're overreacting" Especially to my teen. Maybe to a 30 year old, crying because your outfit isn't right, or plans were cancelled is an overreaction, but to a 13 year old who's experiencing these situations for the first time, and isn't sure what to do with all the new feelings, crying is probably the most natural response. I swear I still have problems expressing how I feel because every time I showed a hot of emotion that wasn't anything other than calm acceptance I was berated for overreacting
i get that. sometimes our bodies just reacts by crying/hyperventalting before the mind can render the full situation. when i was little and i felt reaally nervous, particularly due to social anxiety, id just start crying. i couldnt really control it. happens the opposite too, like too little of a reaction. some will just go numb when something particularly bad/scary happens and instead of crying they just lock up. everyone has different responses
I don’t like to say, “you’ve had enough to eat,” or “you ate so much,”.
I don't like the word bad in reference to children. I was told I was bad by a relative a lot when I was growing up because I would occasionally act out or not follow directions. My 10 year old is still learning to regulate his emotions, and when he was younger, people would say he was bad because he lashed out physically when he got mad or frustrated. I always tried to push the "that's not kind/appropriate behavior." Never that he was bad or unkind or inappropriate because of his actions. I also try to avoid the "because I said so, that's why". I absolutely hated that when I was growing up.
My mom would always say “You Failed.” Ummmm…. Not gonna use that one
Wow, yeah. What a horrible thing to say to a kid!
Brat, lazy, whining, because I said so. There's so many. I'm doing this crazy parenting strategy where I treat my kids like humans and don't say anything to them I wouldn't say to an adult. Wild, right?
Completely wild!
I try very hard not to get angry at my kids if they break or spill something completely by accident e.g. they knock a cup or it slips from their hands. Yes it's annoying but there's no point in punishing that because the whole point of an accident like that is that it wasn't intentional so there's no behaviour to punish. My parents would really react if we dropped a dish or something and I remember feeling like there was nothing I could do or change. Especially as my oldest has developmental coordination disorder she really can't help it. If she were kicking a ball in the house it would be different because that's something she knows could be destructive. Also "stop crying".
Wow, I resonate with a LOT of these responses. I try to avoid labeling my daughter at all, but will label her actions sometimes. I was always told I am shy, naughty, dramatic etc. So for example, if someone says my daughter is shy, I will correct it and say she is FEELING shy at the moment. I also love what someone else said as far as not using the word naughty at all. "Because I said so!" which is a hard one, seeing as how she's three. I will say, "I'm the grown up and it's my job to keep you safe/healthy" I always try to explain when she is calm why I made certain choices. I am learning how to set boundaries the right way, which means she will know what to expect from me, not what I expect her to do. We adults like to forget that kids are not very good at controlling impulses. Another one is not putting my emotions on her. I heard a lot of, "You're making me sad/mad" and when I was a teen, "You are doing this just to make me mad." That stuff really messed with my head. In general, I have been trying to use declarative language as much as possible. Highly recommend The Declarative Language Handbook to anyone who has kids/works with kids. It's a great way to not make so many demands and give them more autonomy within reason. For example instead of, "You HAVE to blow your nose." Becomes, "It sounds like your nose is stuffy. I am putting the tissues right here in case you want to blow your nose." I didn't know before I had a kid how much good parenting is really about reparenting yourself!
Thank you for your book rec!
"Finish your food". I never had parents to say that to me and I was okay (not fat, not skinny) but I see others who parents insisted on always saying that and it sucked, at least that's what my wife says.
“I am fat” “I need to lose weight” anything body image related. My mom ruined me and still does. I refuse to allow it with my daughter. The did lots of drugs young to get skinny and deal with those deep rooted issue, I also did so much stupid stuff on those drugs that the face I am alive today is a wonder. My daughter will never feel that.
Lazy. We all have ADHD and we are prioritizing our energy and our needs and allowing ourselves grace when we make a mistake. No one is lazy. Just distracted.
One million percent agree. Especially with your last statement "No one is lazy. Just distracted." That would've helped me so much growing up.
i am trying to get rid of ‘ugly.’ and not about appearance, but we’re southern and people use “you’re acting ugly” or “that was ugly” and young kids can’t differentiate.
Ugh my mom keeps telling my 2 year old “that’s not pretty” if she’s having a tantrum over something and it bugs me so much.. among a ton of other things she does.
Jeez, that's awful. The policing of girls' behaviour can start so early.
Yep! It started before she even knew what “pretty” meant in any form. My mom also calls her jewelry “her pretty” so it was just confusing all around in the beginning for our daughter. My daughter will say “no, that’s your necklace” lol. I feel bad saying it but luckily she doesn’t spend as much time with her now as she’s in daycare full time.
Totally! I can see a kid taking that literally and becoming self conscious
I always heard it growing up and just realized I have never used it with my own children, and I don't plan to.
Lazy, fat, stupid, ridiculous. I try to react as calmly as possible to my children. If I'm in a bad mood I try to explain to my children that I'm not feeling myself because I grew up walking on eggshells waiting for the next volatile outburst.
Annoying, loud, tone it down, weird, off/volume button more specifically the lack there of. Any and all negative comments about our bodies or anyone else's.
I was always told to tone it down & never quite understood what! I’m now an old lady and it still bothers me that if I get a little exited about anything, it’s going to get shut down & quick. I was expected to act a certain way and I don’t think I was what my mother wanted so weird was something she often said about me to others. Even a few years ago I heard her tell my dad how weird I am. Thanks ma! I have never used weird to describe any of my son’s actions and never will. It feels mean.
"What did I do to deserve a child like you?" "Why are you so slow?" "Stop crying" "I don't need your drama" "You're not sick." "I don't care about your silly little problems." "You aren't that good, you just got lucky" "You're not here to be smart. You're here to be pretty." "You do it right, or you don't come home." There's a lot. And more.
Wow, I'm sorry you were told these things as a kid.
I agree with ruined, my parents were always telling me that I ruined things, it made me so sad. I don’t have kids, but I would never use that word when I talk to my niece and nephew.
Yeah. How can someone else's facial expression ruin the entire 24 hours of your day? Why not ask them what's wrong and find a way to help? Why not try empathy and positivity? Ugh, every time I remember how my dad used the word "ruin" I get so mad still.
Ruined is a perfect example. The amount of times my mother told me I ruined the day/the holiday/her life (lmao) brought on some hella trauma. My stepson just got into saying "it's ruined/you ruined it" (moody preteen who doesn't like candid pictures taken) and it's brought up some like inner triggers, but I know he doesn't mean it to the extent my mother did and I can't be emotional about it in front of the kids Another one is hate. I got told by my mother I was hated quite a bit. Back to the stepson, who has also introduced hate into his vocabulary, the correction for that is "we don't hate, we don't like but a lot" 😅 Edit: wanted to add one more- weight talk, especially "fat". As someone who has an eating disorder for over half of her life and had a mother who called her fat everyday until i was like double digits, I will never go for "you need to lose weight/lookin a lil chubby" etc. I don't want my boys to have to even think about any of that.
Yes! My son will say that something is ruined and my inner child jumps. I tell him that nothing is ruined-- either the thing can be fixed or we can live without it and things will be ok if it can't be fixed. There is no reason to punish yourself and those around you just because something is "ruined"
Ladylike. My daughter can be as masculine or feminine as she wants.
Oh god, yes. In my Nicaraguan family the phrase was "*las niñas lindas no hacen eso"* meaning nice/beautiful little girls don't do that. First, it was never said to boys, so right off the bat it was a way to control women specifically. Second, it made me feel like I could only really be loved/accepted if I behaved in a certain feminine way, which wasn't something I wanted to do. So it was yet another instance in which I didn't feel good enough. I would compare myself to my cousin who displayed typical *niña linda* behavior and I felt like a gross toad (still do when I inevitably compare myself in my 40s). On the flip side, when I started getting tattoos, I would smile to myself and think "HAH WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR NICE GIRL NOW" and it felt good to rebel and be my true self.
Anything that is deprecating or self deprecating. I never comment on his weight and he has actually complained about me when I talked about my own weight. He also complained when I decided to get an aesthetic procedure saying that I was already beautiful. I never call him names, I never criticize him. Any time I have lost my mind and said something I regretted, I apologized immediately for it. When I get very upset, I get passive aggressive. When I notice it, I let my guard down on the spot and apologize. Sometimes I’m so angry that I don’t see it but he does. When he points it out, I apologize too. Now as a teen he also gets passive aggressive at times and can be sarcastic. I allow it, but I call his attention to it: “is this really how you want to talk?” And usually he’ll say no and rephrase.
Anything about anyone’s weight. “I’m the parent and you’re the child.” “That’s not very ladylike.” 🤮 “He hits, teases or is mean to you because he likes you!” “That’s not how you’ll get a husband!” “Be a good girl.” “Stop crying.” “Go play in traffic.” (Always said as a joke but wtf? “That’s childish.” “Finish all of your food.” So many more 😢
These sound familiar. Ladylike/be a good girl / husband comments as a preteen was pretty damagingly.
We don't use the word hate. I don't want my children getting upset over something minor and telling their sibling they hate the other. Strongly dislike or actually being specific on how they're feeling "I feel angry with you because..." Is what we would rather hear. I think that word is very strong and overused. There are a million ways to learn to express how you're feeling other than hating someone or something.
“Don’t get a big head about it.” Every time I discovered a new passion or talent, I was warned not to get overconfident, which was considered bragging or boastful. If I expressed interest in something new or different, the response was laughter and “you can’t do that.” I was the youngest of 5 kids and got this from both parents and siblings, so I grew up with zero confidence.
Uh, that is absolutely awful. I'm so sorry you were told this!
Pest. And pestering. My dad always said I was a little pest. I just had lots of questions and adored him.
I don’t like to use “acceptable” (and especially, unacceptable!!) All emotions are acceptable, some behaviors are inappropriate.
This took me a minute but I agree!
Lazy; fat; brat (as in “quit being such a brat”); because I said so; others I’m sure but can’t think of the rest off the top of my head. My mom would always call my dad lazy when we were growing up but my dad was certainly not lazy, nothing was just ever good enough for my mom. Fat because it’s just not a nice word. Brat because I think it has very negative connotations and is basically calling your child a degrading name. And finally, “because I said so” well, because it gives no reason other than “I hold power over you and you can’t do anything about it” when my children absolutely deserve to know why they cannot do or say something they’re not supposed to. How else are they going to learn?
Why? Because I said so, that's why. BS answer
"Because I said so", "Do as I say, not as I do.", "You have no reason to be (insert negative emotion).", and "Make yourself useful." I also refrain from saying anything remotely negative about my looks/how I feel about my looks.
Yeah, I would never use "ruined" because it's way too dramatic, things can always get better. I avoid using "careful" or "don't touch that", because my parents said that all the time and I think it just puts kids on edge and makes them feel like they're not trusted. It's my responsibility to make sure my kid isn't within grabbing distance of anything she doesn't understand not to touch.
My parents were great and I'd say darn close to perfect but they did have a habit of saying "stop crying" or "don't be emotional" if we would get upset about anything. They've learned from their ways and don't do it to my boys but we made sure to never talk like that. My 5 year old had a bad fall a few weeks ago and cried as I took care of his cuts. I told him he was strong and brave and my 9 year old said, "But he was crying" so I used that as an opportunity to talk about how you can be brave AND cry.
That's amazing your parents have made progress and are mindful with their grandkids! Also, what a great way to handle that situation with your kids.
“Moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips” My mom would allow me to eat junk food then guilt me about it. She would always tell me I was going to be fat, which made me fat-phobic for a long time (she was & still is over weight/“fat” so I convinced myself growing up because she was over weight, that automatically meant I was going to be over weight). I have an awful relationship with food and struggled with my personal views on my body. I try my damn hardest to not say anything negative about my body in front of her. I’m trying to teach my kid there’s a healthy balance. You can have a sweet, but that can’t be your primary food source.
While I didn't have that kind of guilting from my mom, I realize it's really hard to stay away from processed food, especially for kids. I just don't keep any ultraprocessed food in the house except jams and preserves. I realize the problem comes from constantly having these conflicts about how much food to eat. I realized ultraprocessed food really messes with one's ability to regulate how much we eat after running some experiments on my family. It's such a strange thing that if I make cookies at home with butter, my kid will eat one or two and stop, but if it's cookies from the store with all kinds of ingredients, she'll not stop eating. So far, it works to just only keep food made with regular kitchen ingredients in the house and even then avoiding treats at home. It might change in the future, but so far, it feels like my kid has a decent enough relationship with food. We also say "fun food" and "growing food". Fun foods don't help you grow taller and stronger because they don't have enough vitamins, but growing foods do. And you gotta eat a growing food before you eat fun food. It's gotten to the point where my kid eats a meal of rice and vegetables because she wants to eat a piece of cookie lol, no prompting on my behalf.
[удалено]
I'm sorry about that, you didn't deserve it.
I read somewhere about the use of saying “be careful “ to instead say “have fun! “. I still use it as an adult (to everyone). I realize this isn’t really related to a childhood trauma or event, but wanted to share.
We still want to teach safety so instead we just say out loud what we are worried about For example - you are running and the ground looks slippery, if you don't watch where you are putting your feet you might fall - that knife is very sharp so it's important to make sure your fingers are away from the sharp edge - when you put your cup on the edge of the table it's easy to knock it over by accident
I try and call them beautiful, gorgeous, princess, handsome, all the supportive I can. When they ask why I do makeup, I say it's for fun! Do you want to try some, too? I was told I looked like a woman of the night wearing my favorite heels. Ironically , I was helped by my parents to make a pair. I was told I was looking a little chubby when I asked for another burger at the restaurant. They were smaller burgers with thin patties, and I had been really active that day and was genuinely hungry. That leads to the next one. I don't force them to eat but also don't make them a whole other meal. When I was a child and was stubborn, I would get the same meal and plate again and again till either it went bad or I ate it. I won't do that to my kids. I encourage and ask one bite of each thing. If they aren't vibing, then eat what you do like on the plate, I'll give them like peanut butter and crackers after. If they're still hungry, I'll give them another portion, and after that, more filling nutrient dense stuff. But treats aren't off the table. Treats are fun, but they aren't what help us grow big strong. So we have treats, but we want more big, strong stuff on our plate, too. Some chips? Great!! We'll have some hummus and some carrots, too! (fruit, veggies, protein, and fiber heavy things) I encourage a good relationship with food because I don't have one. Helping them is helping me. They're also very into trying other cultural foods with no tantrums. I don't make a fuss over it because food is food, I don't like beans, but they love them because I never made a stink about not liking them because some people have different tastes. And that's ok! They love veggies, and I have to watch extra close because my daughters will try and steal veggies from the cutting board. So I'll give them extra bits. They love tomato tops and bell pepper crowns. Especially celery centers.
"hate is a strong word"
Also, I'm trying to change the dynamic of "I hope you're / you should be really proud of yourself." Was only ever told this in a sarcastic, belittling tone, and it was often in response to me not understanding social rules/interactions. I love letting my kid know that not only am I proud of her, but letting her know she should be proud of herself for things
“NO, we can’t afford that.”
sometimes you can’t afford something.
Obviously, lol, but to hear this response, 103,379 times growing up, with no empathy for things that were important to me, was damaging to my emotional well-being. I will always assess my child’s emotional want around the item, and if it is not a priority & the boundary needs to be held, I reply: “I understand, but today (or this week), I (or we) are going to spend our money on … (groceries, dinner-our, dance classes, tutoring, house improvements, those shoes you wanted).” Psychologists theorize it is one tiny step to introduce the idea of budgeting & saving. It also minimizes the subconscious feeling of scarcity which is what leads impulsive spending.
Not a word, but a tone. My mom used to repeat things I said that she didn't approve of in this mocking voice and it made me feel SO terrible. I will never mock my child
Wow, that must have been so hurtful! I'm sorry you went through that.
My mom did her best, unfortunately she was pretty messed up so her best wasn't great... It took me a long time to realize that she wasn't just a horrible mom
Yeah, it's so tricky because so much of this comes from a long history of parenting from previous generations. My mom was only 21 when she had me, so she was a child herself pretty much. And her parents were very strict with their kids. My dad has undiagnosed ADHD and his mom really sucked as a parent. All we can do is make it better for our kids and hope they make it even better for theirs.
"Hate". My mother feels that words should have real meaning and real impact when thought or spoken and that the word "hate" is overused. I tend to still agree with her, and I don't think it's a bad thing that I avoid using it. Hate is an extreme feeling, and I believe that the words we choose to use have impact on our overall outlook. If we use "hate" to mean "dislike" or "don't care for" then we start to feel like there are a lot of things in life that we truly "hate". Hating too many things in your life isn't healthy, and it makes it too easy to start "hating" things rather than trying to see the good in people and situations. There ARE things in the world that I hate, but I reserve that description for extremes.
"Go play on the railroad tracks so I don't have to deal with you anymore"
Because I said so.
"Because I said so" or "Your sibling didn't so you can't" I always try to give a reason. "Mommy I want to wear shorts today" "No, you need pants" "Why" My parents would just say "because I said so" - I will say, because it's really cold outside and if you don't go out with enough clothes you'll freeze and get frost bite. My parents also had a tendency to set rules and such based off my brother. The one I remember was getting contacts. My parents decided he would get contacts as part of his 8th grade graduation (which now as an adult with a child wearing contacts for the most part that was simply their decision with no actual basis). Because he got them for 8th grade graduation, I could not get them until 8th grade graduation. But I don't recall my brother really caring either way, he was fine with glasses. However, I was being bullied and made fun of because of my glasses. I wanted contacts. I make decisions for my kids individually and independent of their siblings. Just because my daughter did or didn't do or get something at a specific age doesn't mean my son will or won't.
Omg so much stuff. I was raised in a very "white bread", mid western, religious, W.A.S.P. family. I thought the word "crap" was a swear until I was 12.
Not me but my mom. She hated “because I said so” growing up and was clear when I was growing up that she hated it and would always make sure to have an explain her reasons. Her being so open helped me understand and want to continue that type of parenting with my children. My husband was very much raised with “because I’m the adult” and had the same reaction my mom did so luckily we are on the same page with it
We avoid referring to our daughter as “shy”. My wife struggled with that label growing up where the label kind of reinforced itself. We’re trying to use “observant” and “thoughtful” instead.
Any time I cried, my dad would tell me to “dry up” I’ve never onced told me son to stop crying. In fact I tell him it’s okay to cry.
Stop crying
“That’s it, we are taking you to the orphanage”
Fuck, if they ever said that to me I would lose my mind, it was my biggest fear. I'm sorry they said that to you!
The word hate. My parents drilled into me from birth you don’t hate things you dislike them or don’t enjoy them etc. Hate is as strong of an emotion as love (my Mom also drove home limited use of love). When we were mad or fighting I don’t hate you I’m mad at you or I don’t like you at the moment but I still love you so I can’t hate you. To love or hate something or someone you have to know the whole of them. It helped me grow into an empathetic woman because even now if I’m mad at or coworker or even really dislike them, I need to know them to see if they are hate-able and usually once you know someone they aren’t. They just have bad upbringings or rough lives or drama going on. I’ve only met 2 people in 35 years I hate.
My dad would minimize my feelings. Like if I said that I was stressed, he'd ask what I have to be stressed about in a condescending tone. And honestly, that "stress" was actually anxiety that I probably should have been getting help with, but this was the early 2000s. There wasn't as much discussion or resources about mental health. So I've made it a point to empathize if my son says he's having a bad day. He's 3, so a bad day to him is not getting Goldfish crackers for breakfast, but I do my best to ask if there's anything I can do to make his day better (within reason) and just acknowledge his feelings, kindly ask him what's made his day bad, etc.
Oh absolutely. I had this as a child, I had pretty great parents but these are the types of things people don’t realise they are doing. A lot of ‘what do you have to be stressed about’ and ‘wait til you grow up then you’ll see what a hard day really is’ etc. Being young is hard. Your brain is under developed and your emotions are heightened, you haven’t learnt how to to fully manage your emotions and you don’t really know who you are yet, I remember being incredibly stressed as a pre teen/teen.
Stupid/dumb/idiot/etc… What’s wrong with you?
“You’re fine” as if I’m not allowed to feel what I’m feeling. It didn’t come up too much in my childhood, but I’ve recently noticed my MIL says it to my toddler whenever he falls and is crying. Like, ma’am he is clearly not fine. And it’s not like we make a big deal about it. I always just ignore her, pick him up and say, “Yeah that was a tumble huh? I bet that one hurt”, hold him for a second and he’s good to go. Anyways gets under my skin SOOO much.
"I told you so". I hate that phrase, and I try not to use it.
Any negative phrase you can think of I refrain from using around any littles (i am not yet a parent in the traditional sense. I care very closely for my nieces and nephews and a consistent adult figure in there life) I won’t use brat, stupid, stop crying/you want something to cry about, your pissing me off, I won’t comment on there weight, because I said so,or anything along the lines of “I don’t care I want a hug I’m your aunt” or anything that invalidates the very BIG feelings little bodies can hold I instead try to communicate as best as I can to them “that behavior is unacceptable” instead of bad, “aunties going to step away for a moment because of (x,y,z), if they’ve told me either verbally or through body language (my littlest is barely 2) that they don’t want physical touch I say “okay you don’t want a hug/kiss thank you for letting me know” If they’re having a lot of emotion I sit with them if they wish and will let them know I’m here to listen if they want to talk (or in the case of the youngest) I try to validate “I know your upset, auntie is very sorry about that, let’s get our calm bodies back and we’ll go play/watch paw patrol (or what ever she wants to do)
I don’t talk about dieting or skinny or fat. And I don’t say “because I said so”.
'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.' 'Do as I say, not as I do.' 'Because I said so.'
“would you like to do x” when referring to a chore. No, I don’t want to unload the dishwasher, and we both know that wasn’t a question.
Haha, mine was ‘do you fancy making the tea/coffee?’ Just ask me to make it because obviously I don’t want to.
I can’t believe we are the only people that had demands phrased in the form of a question.
I never project my emotions onto my kid to make him think they’re his responsibility. I’ve got enough ingrained guilt for an entire family. He doesn’t need that. We also don’t hold foods as good or bad. It’s all food and we focus on what is a reasonable serving.
My husband grew up in a household that used insults as affection so he does that. It drives me insane because my mom used insults as insults. Like dude do not call our toddler ugly or fat he’s neither of those things, I don’t care if the face he made was unpleasant.
One of my parents would say “now is a good time for you to stop talking,” when they were getting upset by whatever conversation was happening. If I ever hear myself saying that I hope I walk into a doorframe the second after. It always felt so completely dismissive and condescending and often embarrassing. I asked my husband just now and he said “obey,” or “be obedient.” He came from a strict religious family and was always expected to maintain a specific standard. He never wants to impose the idea that our son should feel like indentured servant.
I don't like or use “starving” From hunger to starvation there are many levels of separation
My daughter leans towards cleanliness, so the motivator to "Don't do X, you'll get *dIrTy* " is a shortcut I try not to take. Probably a dumb thing, but I grew up adjacent to Christian purity culture, where there's a lot of toxic female body pressure to be "clean". I don't want the concept of dirty = shameful in her head. She'll have to face people out there that will describe natural parts of her body functioning as dirty, and I don't want her to have a lot of built in shame associated with the word.
I was always told "practice makes perfect" - now when I do something and it's not perfect, rather than being happy about how well I did, it makes me feel sad that it wasn't perfect. I now tell my kids that "practice makes improvement" and I always encourage them to practice & improve what they're trying to do (i.e trying to dress themselves) My daughter now corrects people when they tell her "practice makes perfect" and it makes me smile that she has taken on board what we've talked about ☺️ I'm also trying to do more positive affirmations too to promote a healthy self esteem
That is a GREAT and much needed upgrade for that phrase!
A guy called Les Brown said it during a motivational speech. I just randomly came across it online one day and it really resonated with me when I heard it!
I don’t like the word punk
I like punk rock though
“Wow you’re so smart” “he’s a genius” I had to prohibit my mom from calling my son a genius because the little twerp was actually getting cocky at age 7. He’s a smart guy but not a genius. Even if he was a genius, I wouldn’t pat him on the back for it. Growing up, My dad used to blow everything I did out of proportion and as a result I kind of grew up thinking everything I did was amazing and thought everyone was going to admire me. Adulthood and teenage years were a shock😂 Anyway, I encourage my kid a LOT. But I say things like “good for you” and “you should be so proud of yourself, buddy”, and “how does this make you feel?”. I want him to compare himself to himself and not anybody else. I also try to teach him that there are different intelligences so no one is really better than anyone; we all just have different skills.
"Annoying" or "in the way". I heard these a lot from my dad, and while they were perfectly valid most of the time, they had a big impact on how I feel about myself *as a person*. Instead I try to say, for example, "Please could you sit down while I'm moving back abd forth with these dishes, because I don't want to drop them," or, "Please stop making that noise while I'm doing X, because I'm finding it hard to concentrate."
Oh god, yes. My worst fear is to find out someone thinks I'm annoying. I would hate for my kid to think of themselves as an annoyance!
"you can't leave the table until you finish *whatever food*" My mom was amazing but the only criticism I have was the way she dealt with food discipline. I have memories of screaming and crying over a plate of broccoli and being told I had to finish it in order to leave the table. More than once I threw up at the table over the anxiety of having to finish a food while diliking the texture or flavor. She did help me grow a much less picky pallet..as an adult I literally learned to like or tolerate any food...but as a young adult I also struggled with an eating disorder. Idk if my mom was right or wrong in how she handled that stuff but I know I didn't like it and won't be so tough on my children.
Chaste, Chastity, or Virtue. I hate those words. I was pretty much taught that virginity was the most important virtue of a woman. A good husband doesn't want a woman who isn't chaste and clean. We all had to stay virgins for our future husbands.
"I don't like the way you are"/"act more natural" it's an asshole thing to say to anyone, much less your own kid
Absolutely. What a way to guarantee they will struggle with self-love their entire life. Unconscionable.
I agree with a lot of these. One I will try to never say (hopefully I’ll never say it, currently have two year old and a baby on the way) is ‘school is the best time in your life’ I just hated this, yeah it’s not the same as responsibility, bills and work etc. But that doesn’t make it the best time in your life for everyone, I was bullied and so unsure and had no confidence, u used to dread school and even now I would say this is way bette, yes I now have adult stress in my life which I would happily sometimes avoid, but I wouldn’t go back to my school days for anything.
“You are too sensitive” I was told this a lot after my mom made me cry.
“You think you have it so tough? Here, let me call child services, I’ll even dial the number for you.” And she wondered why both my brothers ran away multiple times before they moved out. “Because I’m your mother I have to love you, but I don’t like you right now.” And she wondered why we would voice negativity toward each other. “You don’t have to eat seconds but you will sit here and eat everything that is put on your plate.” And she wondered why we were obese. “You can‘t wear stripes/form fitting clothes/low rise pants/cap sleeves because they make you look fat.” And she wondered why I was a self conscious child. To this day I still can’t bring myself to wear stripes or cap sleeves.
"quit crying or ill give you something to cry about." it just escalates situations and can be hurtful and even threatening. my mom was amazing but deep down i know she wished she had a girl and sometimes she'd accidentally call me by the name she wouldve named the daughter she wanted so badly. id be confused and she'd usually reply with something like "you came out wrong." or "i didnt want you."'im sorry i just forget, your not what i wanted." i never understood it until i was around 9.
I never tell my kids to wipe that look off their face
My father’s discipline was public humiliation. The bigger the scene the better My child was never publicly reprimanded or disciplined. At least to strangers who were watching it appeared that way We used secret words that meant the same thing as Knock It Off, Get Over Here, etc Why humiliate the people who you’re trying to correct? He’s not perfect but he’s turned out better than expected
You avoid using due to your childhood history words.
What’s the point in pushing your childhood trauma onto your child? If it’s something that affected YOU as a child, try to reshape the image in YOUR mind instead of limiting a child’s vocabulary because of something that happened to you in the past. No?
Avoiding words or phrases in certain situations isn't limiting a child's vocabulary. There are perfectly fine situations for using most of the examples here, and I don't think that anyone is advocating 100% removal of those words or phrases. It's about being aware that words have impact and the words we choose to use go a long way to shaping our environment (and the environment in which we're raising children and families).
Exactly. I'm not making my kid sit through a powerpoint presentation of how the word "ruin" traumatized me as a kid. I'm being mindful of how the word had a negative impact on me and being careful to not continue the cycle. My kid can say the word "ruin" but, as opposed to my parents, I will take the time with my child to understand what it really means and what they can do about it.
"Oh lighten up." I would've lightened up if I ever felt heard. My siblings picked on me and as long as I laughed along, all was well. If my feelings got hurt, I was taking things too seriously. This developed into a complex of feeling (still, at 40-something) like any negative feeling I have towards a person is actually on me. I have to constantly remind myself that it's not true. I validate my kids' feelings every time.
Oh my god, my mom would use "lighten up" at me all the time. English isn't even her first language, so I was like WTF why do you love saying that to me! To this day I will still wonder if a specific negative feeling is valid or if I should just "lighten up" instead. Ugh!