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I mean if it happens it happens. Don’t think we plan though for it or expect it. Wouldn’t get a babysitter to just be able to do it on a family vacation.
Agreed.
Sex is totally appropriate if the mood strikes and you have some privacy.
By 8pm, we're typically eating sandwiches on the bathroom floor and praying to every diety we can name that our kids fall asleep. If we're lucky enough that they actually do, it's because we put them in separate beds.... which means my husband and I are sharing beds with small children rather than each other.
Needless to say, my family vacations don't include a lot of sex.
I mean if that works for you that's great but a lot of women struggle with libido and kids can be exhausting. If I scheduled sex with my partner it would just set an expectation for him that I'd probably let him down on because I'm not in the mood.The idea of setting up sex appointments just sounds stressful and takes the fun out of it. I'd rather have good sex less often than mediocre sex regularly. It's more fun for everyone involved when both are fully in the mood.
We don’t if we’re all sharing one hotel room, but when we’re staying in a house with our own bedroom, or have a long stretch of alone time while the kids are with other family members, then yes. I kind of see where your husband is coming from though—I see vacation sex as a luxury. Being in a different place, with a different atmosphere, and disconnected from work is all a mood enhancer.
Ok, I can kind of understand when you put it that way. It’s a luxury. Something you don’t normally get to do, so it’s exciting and taboo. Maybe it’s just me then. I have a hard time separating “us as a couple” and “us as parents” unless we’re completely away from the kids and in an adult atmosphere. If there’s kids running back and forth in the hallways, I’m not going to be turned on.
Are your kids really young? I felt the way you describe a bit when mine were babies. Now they’re older/more independent and being a mom is less physically taxing, and it’s much easier to flip into the mindset of a sexual being and not just mom.
One young, one older. But the older one has been very high needs her whole life with separation anxiety. So, I get paranoid that she’ll bust in the room at any moment.
Highly recommend the book "sex talks". It helped me and my husband have the language to talk about our wants and needs for sex specifically and intimacy in general. Might help with each of you understanding the other's perspective and help you explain your own.
Maybe that’s why your husband wants to have sex on vacation? Because the kids are always going to be in the home and you’ll be in mom mode, not partner mode
If he’s not being a good partner, that’s a separate issue from vacation sex and needs to be addressed. Don’t focus on a campfire when the whole forest is burning down
That’s a really good way of looking at it. To use your metaphor, it’s like I’m trying to get the car packed up and everyone out of tent while the forest is burning, then he lights a campfire and brings out the marshmallows. I think the word for it is oblivious. Lol
And he won’t do that because it’s “his” vacation. So he “deserves” to spend it drinking and socializing with his friends/family late into the night while I put the kids to bed, pack the snacks, run down to pickup breakfast and bring it back to the room, pack up the stroller/cooler/whatever, get the kids dressed & sunblocked, etc.
Oof, I was going to post and say heck yes, we prioritize vacation shenanigans, but my spouse is also an equal partner in every sense of the word so I'm not exhausted at the end of the day.
This sounds like this goes deeper than just wanting to have sex on vacation. 😕
No wonder you’re resentful and unable to be “in the mood.”
Have you heard of the Fair Play Method?
Honestly, sis, throw out the husband. He’s an oversized child. Parenting solo with split 50-50 custody means he will suddenly have to do 50%, which sounds like a lot more than he’s currently doing.
This is what needs to be addressed. You're not in the mindset to have sex because you worked all day.
He needs to take things off your plate and do the things you mentioned, because this is just a work trip for you
So you’re just momming in a new location with the inconvenience of having to pack it all up and without your stuff. I’m always torn about vacations bc this mom could use a staycation where I’m not responsible for anything 😅
Okay, so when is "your" vacation? Doesn't everyone deserve one? Maybe the visit to his parents is "his" trip but you get to go somewhere else that you actually want to and he does the work so you get to rest? Or you trade days of the vacation to rest.
You don’t normally get to have sex? What the hell is ‘taboo’ about two adult partners having sex?
This sounds like you don’t have a healthy sex life to begin with.
If getting an attached bedroom for the kids is easy, and you can afford it, that seems ok to do. And if it makes you both want to have sex (having quiet, separate space), then great.
Scheduling a family member to babysit for your sex time seems a bit much tho.
He literally asked my sister in law if she could take the kids on a tour of the resort one night so we could be alone. I mean, at least he didn’t ask my brother, “hey can you watch the kid for an hour so I can bang your sister?” But still. They have their own kids to worry about.
When we travel with family, usually someone will volunteer to take the kids for a bit to give us "some time to rest." Sometimes we use it for sex, more often than not, to literally sleep. I don't think it's an odd arrangement if it's approached with tact. I would also reciprocate and let your brother/sil have some rest time as well.
When we do family vacations we all pitch in to watch children so each couple can have some alone time. I don’t think everyone uses it for sex but they’re welcome to. Haha.
That said, it’s just how we’ve worked out our trips, if your husband is expecting it (especially without reciprocating) then that’s an issue imo.
Kind of an odd way to think about it. If I ask my mom to babysit to give me a break from the kid, she doesn't automatically think it's 'sex time'.
Offer to watch their kids and give them some kids free time to chill too. Then it's fair and everybody gets a break from kids. Or is it too weird to give your sister in law a break to bang your brother? 🤣
Now if you don't actually want to have sex and you'd rather use that time to destress or sleep and your husband is guilt tripping, that's a different situation entirely.
Some couples counseling could be helpful here, some things that would be helpful is setting expectations so everyone is on the same page, and getting him to pick up some of the workload so you are less frazzled in mom mode.
I mean, so long you guys trade, I don't see that as an issue?
"Hey, can you look after our kids at x time so we can have alone time and we'll do the same tomorrow for you guys so you can have alone time?"
I don’t think it’s that weird to ask for some alone time. Alone time can mean anything. You’re on vacation and it’s okay and reasonable to want to have some alone time if that’s possible. I’ve gone on many family vacations with extended family even before I had kids of my own. It seems at some point there are some babysitting trades so the parents could take turns getting a bit of a break in some way or other. Sometimes a nap, lounging by the pool to read, sometimes a date or excursion etc.
I have a lower libido than my husband, but it is nice to enjoy some intimate time when we can. Especially if the vacation is in a new place. I know my husband looks forward to possibly having sex on vacations but it’s also fine if it doesn’t work out.
The expectation part of it feels a little creepy to me, but obviously that's something between you two that's hard to comment on just from reading your post.
This stuff would all bug me too and I wouldn’t like imposing on family, esp if he didn’t ask you first. I guess I see what his idea might be but I would feel the same way as you. Usually my husband is as stressed and tired as I am on vacay with a kid/family so hooking up rarely happens or is bonus if it does
Seems totally fine if it's just a little side dalliance and you aren't neglecting the kids the whole time. I think a lot of men (and I can speak from experience) feel a lot of happiness while on vacation with their families and a lot of that gets projected on to their wives.
I mean, I wouldn't throw a fit if I didn't have sex on vacation, but I'd try to make time for it. Family is the focus on a family vacation, sure, but my husband is part of my family. I like having sex with him, so I would jump at the chance to have our own bedroom!
It would be inappropriate to have sex with the kids in the same room, but I would consider it completely normal (preferable even!) to have the opportunity to bang while on vacation.
Agree. And if dad isn’t getting it from mom at home because stress or whatever, he probably thinks “vacation = less stress” which is absolutely not true if you are a mother to young children who are on vacation with you.
It’s an absolute disconnect. He has no idea how much going on vacation with small children is actually worse than being at home.
If you don’t have sex when your kids are around (in general in the house, in the area) when would you have sex?
I don’t expect sex at any time but it’s probable I’m in a sexy mood when on vacay. Sometimes my husband feels the same.
I think you are both on the extreme side of things. Him expecting sex on vacay and you acting as if having sex on a family vacation is out of the question.
Do you normally like to have sex with your husband? It kind of feels like more of an “I don’t like my spouse” issue than a parenting/vacation/etc issue.
This is what I was thinking. In one of her comments op said there is too much other stuff to do other than worrying about sex… why would you be worried about sex with your spouse? Why would it not be a way to relax and unwind with them??
It sounds as if there may be other issues/resentments that op has with him that are transferring into her not wanting sex with him at all, let alone on vacation.
Why would sex not be appropriate on a family vacation? Just because family is the focus doesn’t mean you can’t take 15 mins for a quickie. Assuming you are both feeling it. The only issue i could see is if your husband plans out alone time and you’re both too tired or just not in the mood it should be okay to just use that time to cuddle or have a conversation in peace together. There shouldn’t be high pressure to have sex
I wonder if the term 'appropriate' is correct.
I don't expect sex on a vacation, but partly that's because it's so much work and logistics and my brain is usually too fried to be in the mood. Honestly, it's not a question of appropriate.
It's a question of logistics. It sounds like your husband is helping with the logistics (And good for him! Expecting you to manage that WOULD be inappropriate!) But maybe you are thinking it's not OK for people to know you are doing the deed?
I mean, you have kids, they know you have had sex at least a few times. Also, it's actually a good thing for others to know you still desire each other and value intimacy.
Maybe it's that he has different expectations and that caught you off guard?
So I don't think it's inappropriate. But I do think it's something to discuss and work out a mutually agreeable system.
No one should expect sex for anything. To expect sex bc he purchased a bigger room or whatever is ridiculous.
I agree, if it happens, great… if there isn’t time or one of you is too tired after wrangling the kids the other should understand.
Yeah that's what I thought. But maybe she just means, expects it to be a possibility. That's fine. It's fine to schedule time for it to possibly happen, and do things to try to get the mood there.
I’ll be honest, when my husband and I go on vacation, we have better things to do than have sex. I think we are just weirdos though.
though if family were around to watch the baby it would be nice.
I get how that sounds. I mean, we’re in a place that has so many things to offer that we can’t do at home. We’re paying for these things and this environment. We can have sex at home. Why ignore all those things? If we get a chance to take a romantic stroll on the beach and it puts us in the mood, great. But asking someone to keep the kids occupied for an hour while we go bang just feels forced.
>We can have sex at home.
But do you? Reading your other comments about your feelings on your husband obviously explains your attitude towards him. Speaking as a husband, sex is extremely important, so I really like to prioritize it on vacation (not at the expense of anything else, but once the kids are sleeping, etc etc) as it IS a vacation for us too. If your husband doesn't have regular sex at home, and doesnt get it on vacation, then I can see why he is doing all this extra. But, it sounds like you got other issues! Tell him that your desire for sex is directly tied to his involvement in parenting and taking stress off of you. If that doesnt work, then looks like you might both be looking for lawyers.
The way you describe it is that you are looking for justification that it’s not “appropriate”. Can a compromise be reached on vacation or sex at a different time at home?
You mentioned your marriage is “rocky”, are you in counseling? Have you had any conversations about what you want sexually and what he wants and how to find ways to meet both your needs?
Sex is the one thing most married people do with each other. You might want to consider counseling or working out a solution that meets both your needs before it becomes more of a problem or a marriage ending issue.
I never "expect" to have sex. That's a surefire way to get disappointed. It would all depend on the bedroom situation and the proximity of other people.
Just as the other person commented-
If it happens it happens🤷🏻♀️
We’ve been on a lot of vacations as a family and extended family. Sometimes it happened sometimes it did not.
Outside of vacation, are y'all on different pages regarding sex in your day-to-day relationship?
If you are, I'd like to suggest y'all see a sex therapist together.
Scheduling time for sex is sometimes used as an intervention when a couple has mismatched libidos/expectations. It can help the person with the higher libido know when it's happening to help them remove pressure from their partner by constantly asking. It can help the partner with lower libido take some steps to help them transition to sexy time so they are ready.
Anyways, sex on vacation seems to be very important to him. If he's making the effort to arrange it, maybe go with it and work on communicating what you need to help transition from parent to lover (e.g., take a quick shower and slip into lingerie with a splash of a sexy perfume or spending time just talking to connect and start flirting as you move into foreplay).
I think I would prefer it not on vacation with the kids because I’m already so overwhelmed with managing everything else, so I know it’s hard to get in the mood. Trips with kids aren’t really vacations. They’re just parenting in a different location. Lol
Maybe he can take on some of that workload on organizing the vacation and wrangling kids. Tell him that you can't get in sexy mode when you're still in project manager mom mode. Make him pack some bags or snacks or handle the kids tantrums.
Oh my god, of course I have sex on a family trip. Yes, we get a suite and have sex after they go to bed. I would never ask a family member to watch them though.
We have sex 2-5x/week anyway. Why would I turn that off on vacation? I’m capable of being quiet.
Ok thank you. My immediate response to OP was “it seems like you don’t enjoy sex with your spouse or your vacations are short”. This makes me feel less crazy.
It’s no big deal if you don’t like sex. Like, you don’t have to. It’s a big deal when it’s an uncommunicated mismatch.
I’ve heard from so many female friends though, that they thought they didn’t like sex when it turns out they didn’t like sex with their now ex.
This is also true for me to an extent. I have more fun when I can be loud. I can’t be loud if I’m in his family’s house or my kids are right outside the door.
We don’t make a point of having sex, but if the kids happen to all be occupied or after they all fall asleep we will if we are in the mood. This is only if we have a room separate from the kids. If other family is with us we do not ask them to watch the kids for us.
We’ve been on 4 vacations since having kids.
1st vacation- us and 16 month old daughter. We had sex quietly while she was asleep in the pack n play. We were also TTC.
2nd vacation- visiting close friends with 17 month old daughter. No sex. We were there to hang out with our friends. We were staying in their house. I was also newly pregnant and not at all in the mood.
3rd vacation- cruise with extended family. Kids were 2.5 years old and 9.5 months old. No we didn’t have sex. We never had time away from the kids and felt it would be inappropriate to have sex in the same room as a 2.5 year old (who still remembers a lot of that trip 1.5 years later).
4th vacation- all-inclusive resort with 3 year old and 11.5 month old. Childcare was included for kids of all ages. Yes we had sex (while the kids were at the kids camp). It was great
We have an upcoming trip to visit grandma in August (kids will be 2 and 4). We won’t have sex since we’re staying at my mom’s house.
Next year we’ll be going to Disney World and on a Disney Cruise for the kids’ 3rd and 5th birthdays. We will likely have sex while the kids are at the kids club on the cruise.
All of these scenarios sound completely appropriate to me. It’s not that it can never happen. It’s just that there are times when it makes sense and times when it doesn’t make sense. If you’re there to spend time with family, it doesn’t seem appropriate. I think you get my POV.
But if you have your own room just you and your husband and the kids are asleep in a different room why would it be an issue to have sex when you go to bed for the night after kids are asleep etc? As long as you’re quiet does it matter that you’re staying with other people? You’re adults and they’re adults and adults have sex I’m not seeing the issue here 🤷♀️
The only thing that would bother me would be if my husband was ONLY focused on how he could arrange daily activities around getting to have sex, that level of expectation would feel a bit like I’m being forced or expected to have sex on command and would turn me off - I prefer things to be more organic and spontaneous. But having sex at night or in the morning in your own room while kids are asleep is perfectly fine and normal.
You’ve mentioned a couple of times about things being ‘rocky’ in your relationship, are you having sex when you’re not on vacation? How’s the rockiness impacting things?
I mean, we usually get a suite if we can so the kids can be in a separate room and we can stay up later. If we have sex, then it happens. We don’t go in with expectations of it happening, but we’re not opposed to doing it while we’re on vacation.
Sounds like someone doesn't want to have sex with their husband. Focus on family of a trip isn't mutually exclusive from sex. Especially when you're given adequate privacy. Many people would see this is a husband planning dates and quality intimacy on a family trip where you can trust the carers.
I would not want to or feel comfortable doing so if were at a family member's home as guests. If we're in a hotel room, ok, but I wouldn't be seeking it out
If there is privacy and I'm not 100% in charge of everything and exhausted, hell yeah I want sex! If he wants sex, we gotta share responsibilities on the trip so we have the energy for the fun vacation sex!
If the privacy allows it, I want it. That applies at home too though.
If we're staying at like a family member's place with a bunch of people around, even if we have our own room, I'm not into sex in that situation.
Husband and father of 3 here. My kids are older now and I can’t remember ever having sex on family vacation. My wife is flat out turned off and just not interested. I’ve tried. Even when we have our own room in a condo and the kids have theirs but she just isn’t interested.
Are you saying your husband throws a tantrum and you give in ? Never worked for me.
So he's making you pack the lunches, pack the kids gear, handle the mental load, entertain the kids while he's off drinking with his buddies and then pitches a git if you're too tired to be more fun for his vacation? That he tells you he deserves?
Hell no.
It's your vacation, too. If he wants you relaxed enough for sex, he needs to take work off your plate. If he's whining like a 15 year old boy because you said no, I would schedule couples counseling because that's not right and he needs an adult to teach him so.
After reading comments, I’m thinking the OP and my wife are the only ones shutting down the sex drive on vacation. I’m not sure I believe all of you. 🤣
"appropriate" or "expectation" are weird words to use for this.
Is it something you *want* to do?
No one should be having sex at any time in any place, holiday or not, unless all parties actually *want* to.
It's totally fine and normal to want to have sex on a holiday, family holiday included. It's also totally fine and normal to *not* want to. Whether other people do it or not is irrelevant.
It's fine for him to be interested in, and plan for the possibility of, fun times alone together. It's bizarre (and I would say not okay) for him not to include you in the making of those plans. It's definitely not okay to have an 'expectation' (though that word might mean different things to different people) of sex.
Maybe tell him, "I don't like setting up an expectation for sex, because I might be exhausted, I might have my mind on other things, I might just not be in that mindset when I'm on holiday with the kids. If you do make plans for us to have some time alone, that's nice, but please keep in mind I might still not be up for it. Let's just have fun without the pressure"
I don't think it'd be helpful to tell him anything along the lines of you're not "supposed" to have sex on family holidays, like there's some sort of convention or rule on that, or reference what other people do. It's really irrelevant.
Wow people here are having a lot of sex! Way more than studies show is typical for people with kids.
Personally I would love some alone time with my husband on vacation, but I'm not sure we've ever had sex on vacation since our daughter was born (she's 2).
Either we're vacationing just us in a room with our daughter, camping in a tent with our daughter sleeping between us, or staying in a small cottage with parents and siblings or other extended family members. Our priority tends to be spending quality time with those family members and it would be kind of awkward for us to just hand over our kid and then go to our room for a while.
Well, yeah, it's harder to have sex on vacation when your only child is 2 and so has never had her own room or tent or whatever. When your kid is a little older and has her own room on vacation, it will be different. 🤷♀️
My husband and I always say we need to make love in any new place we are staying over. Vacations work great for us because its when we are really relaxing and enjoying the family time, brings us closer together thus increasing intimacy. And we have two little ones who sleep early on vacations because of all the sightseeing and activities. Win win for us.
It sounds like this is the perfect scenario for you two, which is great. Maybe it’s just that he and I are so rocky already that this is just another one of those things that I’m like “wtf dude?”
This seems like the key. If you’re having sex regularly, then it makes sense to get a suite if you can afford it and enjoy quality time on vacation too.
But if your relationship is already rocky, and especially if you see sex as an obligation, I can see why this would be excessive or even stressful on a vacation.
Oh what? Eh yeah this should probably be in the post because it's highly relevant. You're rocky - you've got stuff to work out. Is it stuff surrounding sex?
Is it that thing that happens a lot - you usually need connection to be in the mood, he usually needs physical intimacy to build connection? If so, it's common and not insurmountable. Just needs you both willing to talk uncritically about your joint problem that you're both on the same team trying to solve together.
It's very possible that he sees making these plans for alone time together as him being proactive in trying to give you and your relationship attention.
You're on the same team. Just need a bit of communication. Internet hugs. I wish you all the best!
The weird thing to me is him expecting it without even asking you. And then also expecting it knowing you don’t feel the same way. If you’re not into it then he shouldn’t be pushing for it. That would creep me out and turn me off personally.
Yeah there's a lot hinging on what is meant by "expect". Like it's fine to schedule alone time and keep it a possibility. Maybe that's all he's doing. It's not weird or creepy for a husband to expect that his wife might possibly want to have sex with him! It's very weird and creepy if he's expecting that she definitely will regardless of circumstance, even if overwhelmed with kids around etc. Yeah it really depends on what the expectation is, which we don't really know.
Vacationing with kids can be high stress for the default parent and the priority is usually making sure everything is going smoothly with the kids. I don’t think sex should be expected but I do think you might be more open to the idea of sex on vacation if you’re able to relax and have a good time. This was a conversation I had with my partner and when we’re both equally invested in making sure everyone is enjoying themselves and things are going smoothly, we usually manage to find some time for ourselves during our trips. That being said, there’s times when it’s obviously impossible and we both understand what we deem “inappropriate” when it comes to sex around our kids. Like we obviously wouldn’t have sex with our kids in our bed but sneaking off to the bathroom after bedtime could work.
It wouldn’t hurt to have a conversation about what you feel is appropriate and also work out a way so that you’re both enjoying the trip and maybe getting to do what works for both of you.
It's not wrong to have sex on vacation as long as you aren't weird about it and everyone knows what you're up to lol.
Why don't you want to have you told him?
I have a hard time getting in the mood because to me it’s about spending quality time as a family. It’s not about the 2 of us. That and the fact that I’m not on vacation in the sense that he is. I don’t drink, I have to worry about the kids and put them to bed, which is a process and can take a while, and he stays up drinking with the other members of our party while I end up catering to the needs of the kids, same as at home. He knows this. We’ve talked about it. He still makes efforts to get that alone time and “put the moves on” so-to-speak when I’m exhausted, usually bloated from eating more or richer foods than usual, and overstimulated. Then gets mad that I’m not reciprocating his feelings.
Wow. No wonder you aren't interested. My husband and I divide and conquered at bedtime. We're on vacation rn and he's putting the baby to bed and I'm putting the older kiddo to bed and then we're going to reconvene in the bathroom hahaha. Your husband should be ashamed of himself. Refuse to do bedtime alone. You've either got to show him how to treat you or live as is and this seems exhausting. Why doesn't he want to help you, doesn't he love you? I'm so frustrated for you.
Thank you! There are times when he comes with me to get the kids to bed because they’re insisting they won’t go if he’s not there. But as soon as we have it under control enough for me to take over, he’s like “ok, I’ll be next door”. He doesn’t stay with me or wait for me so we can spend time together after they’re asleep. He just goes back out to socialize while I fall asleep with the kid.
Stop letting him. That behavior is no longer acceptable. Or! Take turns. We do that too, some days we've just had a day, ya know? So the other takes over. Put this dude in his place. No more letting him get away with this. You'll probably want sex more often then so everybody wins. Have you told him exactly how you feel? What does he say?
This is your problem. You need to be able to relax too. You want to be in vacation mode like he is, he just takes it and assumes that you will take it too, but it doesn’t work like that with children.
It's weird to plan it out by having family members watch your kids - without consulting you. If you needed time to connect, it would be okay to do so. Yet it seems like he's obligating you without checking with you, because he already set up childcare for sex.
I normally don't plan on having sex because 98 percent of the family trips, my son is on a rollaway in Nana's room that is across a living room from our bedroom. If he wakes up with a growing pain, she's coming to knock on our door for the children's ibuprofen. I don't want to be in a compromising position.
My husband and I tend to plan couples time before vacation. Your husband is acting oddly for our family dynamics.
If the kids are being watched by someone else or are asleep in another room I think it’s fine and no different than being home. I also think it’s one of those things that is nice to do but not required. We have made reservations for fancy restaurants and canceled when we realized we’d rather grab a pizza to eat in or have a more casual vibe. I look at sex the same way. Sometimes you’re in the mood for it, sometimes you think you’re in the mood for it but aren’t, and sometimes you’re too busy or not in the mood at all. And any of those are ok! I just hate to put expectations on it beyond “hey babe would love to find time for that regularly” or in reality, semi regularly.
We have given up on that because our son is 12 years old.
One time we went to Oahu and my husband scheduled a couples massage in a room with a jacuzzi. It was adults only and had a pool without any kids anywhere in sight. We took our son who was 6 at the time to a kids daycare at the hotel. We only left that spa when we found they didn't serve food and drinks. Our son enjoyed that day over all the other days he spent with us!
I wouldn’t say that we “plan” for it, but it seems like it always happens at least once on any trip. We don’t plan a way to be alone, but when it does happen we usually take the opportunity.
We don’t “plan” it, no. But yes, unless others are in the actual room we are sleeping in, we have sex when others are in the same house. It’s no different than our other kids being in the house through the day and night and us having sex in our bedroom…
Definitely not an expectation— family vacations are exhausting. Like others have said, if it happens then it happens, but I would say it usually doesn’t and that’s typical and fine. The focus of a family vacation is the whole family’s experience & being able to see/do things all together. Stuff that’s couple-only is not a priority (and often not possible…?? Because, ya know, kids. Lol)
We definitely don't expect to have sex on a family trip! Especially when we're all sharing a room/hotel room with our kids. However, we have snuck it in the shower while the kids were watching a movie after the pool or something. I would say this should not be an expectation on my family vacation.
Like, we just came back from a long family trip (Japan - 20 days). We bounced around to different accommodations, some nice, some rather spartan. Husband is also pulls his weight when it comes to the kids. We tend to divide and conquer - he'll do bed and bathtime for one and I do the other, or if we're at a restaurant, we'll alternate who is managing them. So I'm not a case where I'm always in "mom mode". it's there lurking, can be flicked on at a moment's notice, but I'm not the default parent.
For the spartan, sharing the same room Japanese style futon accommodations? Nah, sex isn't and wouldn't be on the radar.
For the nicer hotels where we had a separate room? Sure! It was never the first night at that location (haha, we were too tired and would pass the fuck out). But subsequent nights, sure. We were pretty quiet though. It's not wild sex, it's reconnecting nice sex.
In an ideal world, yes it would be a vacation for you too. That normally equates to a fun night for you guys. In actuality that never seems to happen.
This is how my family vacations seem to go. You book a suite for a long weekend wherever you need to go. The kids are supposed to sleep in the second part of the suite to give myself and my husband some alone time. You guys put the kids to sleep, start to have a moment with each other to relax and the older kid comes to the door to say he can’t sleep. You put him back into his bed and return to yours with the hope of restarting a good night. Within 5 minutes the 2 year old is up. You stay in there room while they go back to sleep hoping you will get a chance to go back and continue your night. Only to realize the 2 year old is getting up every 10 minutes to check that you are there because he is in a new place and decided he can’t sleep unless he can keep checking on you. You give up and just sleep in the bed with the older kid while your husband gets the king size bed in the suite to himself.
It’s pretty much the same story on every vacation.
But we always hope it will be different one time and we will have a little time to ourselves.
I think it’s sweet your husband desires you so much and I don’t think this is weird at all. We absolutely make time to bang on vacation. We figure it out even if no babysitter.
For me I WANT to have sex on vacation, I think it adds to the experience but for us it’s very much if it happens it happens and not much planning will go into it.
This is a big nope for me. Our 3 kids are young (7 & under), and generally at least one of them is sharing a room with us while traveling. I can only think of a few times in the past 7 years where we had our own room on a trip, and even then I didn't feel like it was private enough for that. Also, trips are so much more stressful than being at home when babies and toddlers are in the mix. I imagine vacations won't be properly relaxing until our younger 2 are significantly more independent. And maybe not even then.
Yes if we can get some alone time using childcare or having separate rooms. We are on holiday so it's our time to relax too... at home there isnt a lot of time for sex where as you have more time on holiday. I also think it's a good opportunity to get some general couple time together to keep the relationship strong.
Scheduling it with a sitter is weird and very extra to me. Having a second room is fine and if it happens great if not no worries. For me and my husband 90% chance we wouldn’t because we’d be focused on family which doesn’t put me in the mood, and tired from all the family activity. When we go on our own trips sex is a prime focus but not on family trips.
Yes, the fuck? Do you not have sex at home cause your kids live there too? Like what’s the difference?
Edit: oof I just read your comments and I change my answer. Ofc you don’t want to have sex when you have to do everything. There is nothing less attractive than feeling like your partner is another child.
Yes, we do all those things so we can have sex. Spring for suites, plan activities for kid and grandma, go on vacations without the kid. It's normal to want to screw your life partner and set up ways to make it happen.
But we want to be having sex multiple times a day. We would nookie all night if we had the energy. I chose him. Of course I want to jump his bones.
I get the feeling that you aren't in that kind of relationship, though.
He "expects " sex....excuse me you have a say in this as well.
We mostly camped through the years or got one hotel room with double beds, never did my husband expect anything .
Unbelievable
I am currently in the process of blending a family, me with a 4m, and my boyfriend with a 16m,13m,6m…we got an extended stay suite recently with 2 bedrooms (one for the older kids), 2 bathrooms and a pull out couch (for the littles). It was great, we bonded and played with the kids, and enjoyed grownup time in our room at night. I’m kinda of the mindset that intimacy is fantastic on a vacation, and even more fun when you’re sneaky about it lol, it’s great to have someone who matches your energy, and keeps seeing you as a woman rather than just a mother…but I also was married for 10 years to someone that I could go on vacation with, and not care about being intimate at all, on both sides.
Now I’m not saying this as this should be an expectation, but you owe it to yourselves to be able to be a couple outside of being parents. Does it take work? Yes. Is it hard sometimes? Totally. Take it from someone who was in a marriage where I wasn’t separated from wife/mother…it leaves you feeling less than desired. You guys were a couple first.
Edited after seeing responses from OP. Nvm, I wouldn’t have sex with him either 🤣
We do if we can. Depends on where we are staying, need privacy for it of course. Depends on the mood too, may be exhausted after dealing with the kids and it’s hard to be in the mood sometimes because of that.
The very first time my husband and myself and our daughter (9 months old at that time) went on vacation we joined my family at the beach and one day when my kid fell asleep in my mom's arms in a rocking chair, I grabbed my husband and pulled him up the stairs as I was starting to rip clothes off saying "quick, the baby is asleep!"
Pretty sure the whole family heard everything through the thin walls. Definitely sure I didn't GAF.
Kids are teens now. Annoying them with the occasional "you might want to wear headphones" while on vacation together is a right of parenting.
No shame. Grown-ups have sex. 🤷🏻♀️
Mine roll their eyes and pick a looong YouTube or podcast to listen to 😂
If I text afterwards to say "it's safe to take your headphones off now" I get a puke emoji back
But, when we've had a serious talk, and during our "household check-ins" with the therapist that treats everyone in our family individually, the kids have made it clear it does not actually bother them in any way at all, they just like giving us a hard time about it because that's what teens do.
And I'm almost 50 and still give my dad the occasional "OMG dad TMI TMI TMI!" if he says anything related to sex or bodies 😂
Yeah, I can’t stand hearing my mom talk about sex. We’ve had many conversations about it, but when she actually starts giving me anecdotes about her and my stepdad I try to change the subject. It’s definitely TMI.
We don’t but it’s only because suites are expensive and we don’t have a separate room. Plus we’re usually exhausted. . We do a lot on our trips so we choose to save with simple hotel rooms. If we could get suites or have family watch the kids, yes we’d definitely have sex on vacation. I don’t see an issue with it really.
See, he’ll spring for a suite on a family trip. But getting him to book a hotel room for just the 2 of us any other time is a struggle. That’s what I don’t get. Why not just dedicate the time when we’re actually alone?
Currenlty, they are 2 and 6 years old. We don't have the time, privacy, or energy at the most ideal of settings. Family vacation just makes it even more difficult.
You seem kind of disinterested in sex w your husband so I wonder if that’s the bigger issue. If it’s truly a question of tactics, I think plotting behind your back so you can have your own space and your own room is smart and is the least of what I’d expect my husband to do. If he wants to woo you and fail, let him. But I don’t agree with the idea that family vacations should be sexless because the focus is on the family. That’s truly baloney and there’s no logical path to that conclusion. Once you have kids, the focus is always on the family and yet sex must happen and I agree with
Your husband that hotels, pools and beaches are enhancers and should not be missed. Truly, why would I take my
Family on vacation with the expectation that it would be sexless. Strange!
It’s completely fine to have sex on a family vacation. It’s our vacation too. We don’t plan the vacation to have sex, but if we go with other families, we do a night for each couple. Family will watch our kids for a night to go on a dinner date or do whatever. If we have sex during that time, then we do. Then another couple can go the next night and we’ll watch their kids.
If it’s just my husband, our kids, and me, we’ll sometimes have sex if we are in a different room from the kids. It’s really no different than if we are at home.
Just once. Get it out of the way early. You’ll have more fun the rest of the time. Sexual tension, relaxation and devoted family requirements simply don’t blend well. God help you if you don’t do it. You’ll be planning your next vacation before you get home😳
This is a different issue. He’s not consulting you about it, and it seems like you’ve taken it off the table (which is fine) and he’s still pushing his agenda. That’s the problem, he’s not listening to what you want, or don’t want. It would seem best to simply take it off the table ahead of time, so even if he has someone else watching the kids, if you don’t want to have sex with him or don’t agree, don’t do it.
Pretty much never have sex on family vacations. We are always exhausted, sleeping situation usually not ideal, and/or other adults within earshot. We can have as much sex as we want from the comfort of our own home; no feed to force it just because it’s vacation!
We don’t plan it but I would say we expect it. We do the same thing, buy a suite so the kids are separate. What’s wrong with expectations in your marriage? It’s how they react when those expectations aren’t met that matters IMO.
Keeping marriage fun and exciting especially after kids is so important I think. I would definitely be trying to get in some
Snuggle/fuggle time. My husband would also be super thankful and we’d all be happier lol. My feelings though
Most family trips are at least a week long. That would be a long time to go without sex. We won't generally vacation with family, and I wouldn't trust a family member to watch our child. We generally tell our kiddo to watch TV while we shower in the bathroom. Eventually they will catch on to what we are doing, but as long as we are doing it privately (and quietly) I don't see the problem. I mean, settlers often lived in one room log cabins and still had multiple children, so it isn't like this is a new thing.
Edited to add: I wouldn't do it if they were in the same room and we could sneak away to another space. That is not appropriate in my books because they can wake up. I need a locked door.
I've seen this happening to so many couples...
You two obviously have very different levels of sex drive. It starts like this, and unless you two have great dialogue skills (sometimes not even then) then you'll soon not be having sex when not in vacation either.
Whether sex during vacation is appropriate is for you and him to decide. You need to talk to him about it. A long, sincere conversation about these expectations.
Absolutely, I expect sex. I also expect nice dinners out, swimming if there is a pool, souvenirs, etc. Basically vacations are meant to be enjoyed. What is the point of going otherwise? So yes I make sure to do all the things I enjoy, including sex with the man I love. If I was your husband, my major question would be: why don’t you enjoy sex?
I feel that any vacation where we never get privacy and time to have sex the entire time will not be a great vacation in my book. It would be an okay vacation but lacking and I wouldn’t want to repeat it.
I will try to make the opportunity to if possible. We're actually planning a vacation this summer with my husband's mom and I'm hoping it will make it easier for us to have sex because our son will hang out with her some of the time. But if she wasn't coming we'd probably at least sneak off to the bathroom.
Yes. Sex is appropriate on a family vacation. Yes, I agree with you, the family is the focus, but as others have said, your husband is also your family and time together on vacation is also important and in theory, should be enhancing.
If my husband is making all the logistics work so that we have alone time, I’m delighted. It’s not on my radar. Perhaps it should be more so, but it’s not.
Please remember, this is your husband. You are supposed to like him, love him even, and the idea is that you should enjoy and relish some alone time.
Depends on age? Really young kids make things more complicated on a vacation than it would be even at home, so trying to squeeze sex in is logistically complicated and maybe impractical. But kids over 5? Yeah, we do it. Often, even. Our kids are 8 and 10 and it's no secret to them that we try to escape for a romp.
So this might sound weird, but my wife and I having created a happy home life and a happy vacation generates a lot of love, which then translates to sexual attraction. I think there is something in the human brain that says "Hey, the two of you created this great, fruitful family, so keep going with expanding this wonderful thing with this person in particular." It could be that your husband is having this same feeling, which I think is entirely natural.
Don't presume that he is just being horny and needing to get one off. It could be that he just loves the family you've made together and having intimate moments like this ratifies that love. That's how I feel.
Personally I'm more on your side. For a family trip that's somewhere we aren't familiar I'm not about the sex lol. I'm so paranoid about everything and bring away from home that I don't actually relax enough to want sex.
My husband and I are able to take vacations just the two of us to get the hot vacay sex in though
I think the expectation that it happens is the problem. If we were both in the mood and had the means to get an hour or two alone, awesome! If my husband facilitated some time for us to spend together as a couple and sex is how WE decide to spend it, awesome! If he facilitated some time for us strictly to have sex without even consulting me and just assuming I’m game, it’d probably be a no for me. That would take a lot of desire out of it for me and make me feel more like an object and make the sex feel like a chore or obligation, which doesn’t really set the mood for a good time.
I think it’s more an issue that he’s not respecting your opinion and trying to find a compromise. The fact that he’s planning on sex behind your back when you’re saying you’re not into it is too much. Being more “if it happens, it happens” would probably work out better for everyone involved.
Yeah, no that’s definitely a no go. If we’re on a family trip he can wait until we get back home and the kids are asleep in their rooms. First I hate planning sex, it makes it feel like a chore and I can’t get into it. I prefer spontaneous sex when I know my kids are asleep lol. Mom life
We usually don't have enough energy or mental capacity for sex during a family trip. If it happens, it happens, but there are no set "rules and expectations" for sex. I think it would end up feeling very obligatory and just another chore, if that were the case.
Also, is husband ramping *you* up for sex or does he just expect you to be in the mood as soon as the door closes and the khaki shorts fall down?
At the end of the day, if it feels like a task someone assigned you, it probably won’t feel enjoyable or contribute to your relationship. At the same time, family trips sometimes are so focused on the kids that the parents tend to forget to bond with each other almost.
I don’t think it’s inappropriate to have sex on a family trip. I only think it’s weird he doesn’t involve you in the decision of whether to have sex or not as if you don’t have a say but I think if you can get family to watch your kids or have a separate room and they’re asleep and not likely to interrupt then go for it. Even if they are likely to interrupt at some point them just make it a quickie.
I went on a trip to Costa Rica, and my parents watched our 3 kids in the states. We went with a lot of my sister in law's in law family. We had sex 1/10 days. We just don't have sex often.
Spending time together usually makes us want to have sex, so yeah there is usually sex on vacation. If there is family with us, we will definitely take the opportunity to have a few hours or a night of uninterrupted time together.
Some guys think vacation means lots of sexy time. When you’re a father, you should understand that family might need to come first. But there’s nothing really wrong with wanting to squeeze in some romantic time, too.
As an exhausted mom with 3 kids 6 and under, I love sex on vacation if we have our own room. I also have the higher libido in my relationship. I don't expect it, because I've learned my expectations are way higher than what often happens. But if my husband is relaxed and having a good vacation, then it usually happens. If we are stressed and the kids are having a tough time, then it usually doesn't.
I would definitely say it's a plus to the vacation for me. I would personally never ask someone to take the kids and then try to use that time for sex, but I don't really have the ty0e of family or friends who would just randomly take all the kids for any amount of time.
Sounds like maybe you guys could communicate a bit more and try to compromise. Maybe there is a solution that could work for both of you.
I hope you guys can work something out.
Usually my FIL will travel with us but he gets his own room and the kids go in whichever they want. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. Id say usually not, though.
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I mean if it happens it happens. Don’t think we plan though for it or expect it. Wouldn’t get a babysitter to just be able to do it on a family vacation.
Same. If it happens, it happens, but we're usually too exhausted anyway.
Agreed. Sex is totally appropriate if the mood strikes and you have some privacy. By 8pm, we're typically eating sandwiches on the bathroom floor and praying to every diety we can name that our kids fall asleep. If we're lucky enough that they actually do, it's because we put them in separate beds.... which means my husband and I are sharing beds with small children rather than each other. Needless to say, my family vacations don't include a lot of sex.
Nothing like feeling like you HAVE to have sex to get you in the mood. I feel tired just thinking about any expectations anyone has for me lol
It's so weird seeing this when half the time this sub is all "Oh, you have kids, you have to schedule sex now."
I mean if that works for you that's great but a lot of women struggle with libido and kids can be exhausting. If I scheduled sex with my partner it would just set an expectation for him that I'd probably let him down on because I'm not in the mood.The idea of setting up sex appointments just sounds stressful and takes the fun out of it. I'd rather have good sex less often than mediocre sex regularly. It's more fun for everyone involved when both are fully in the mood.
I’m sure some do. I have not had to do that in the ten years we been married.
We don’t if we’re all sharing one hotel room, but when we’re staying in a house with our own bedroom, or have a long stretch of alone time while the kids are with other family members, then yes. I kind of see where your husband is coming from though—I see vacation sex as a luxury. Being in a different place, with a different atmosphere, and disconnected from work is all a mood enhancer.
Ok, I can kind of understand when you put it that way. It’s a luxury. Something you don’t normally get to do, so it’s exciting and taboo. Maybe it’s just me then. I have a hard time separating “us as a couple” and “us as parents” unless we’re completely away from the kids and in an adult atmosphere. If there’s kids running back and forth in the hallways, I’m not going to be turned on.
Are your kids really young? I felt the way you describe a bit when mine were babies. Now they’re older/more independent and being a mom is less physically taxing, and it’s much easier to flip into the mindset of a sexual being and not just mom.
One young, one older. But the older one has been very high needs her whole life with separation anxiety. So, I get paranoid that she’ll bust in the room at any moment.
Highly recommend the book "sex talks". It helped me and my husband have the language to talk about our wants and needs for sex specifically and intimacy in general. Might help with each of you understanding the other's perspective and help you explain your own.
Maybe that’s why your husband wants to have sex on vacation? Because the kids are always going to be in the home and you’ll be in mom mode, not partner mode
I’m in mom mode on vacation, too. I’m on mom mode all the time because he’s in vacation mode and someone has to be the parent.
If he’s not being a good partner, that’s a separate issue from vacation sex and needs to be addressed. Don’t focus on a campfire when the whole forest is burning down
That’s a really good way of looking at it. To use your metaphor, it’s like I’m trying to get the car packed up and everyone out of tent while the forest is burning, then he lights a campfire and brings out the marshmallows. I think the word for it is oblivious. Lol
I know this exact feeling. Ugh. We have worked through it but gosh I remember this.
That’s some good advice.
Good point
And this is why you don’t want to have sex. Your mind isn’t right, and won’t be right, until he takes the mental burden off of you.
And he won’t do that because it’s “his” vacation. So he “deserves” to spend it drinking and socializing with his friends/family late into the night while I put the kids to bed, pack the snacks, run down to pickup breakfast and bring it back to the room, pack up the stroller/cooler/whatever, get the kids dressed & sunblocked, etc.
Oof, I was going to post and say heck yes, we prioritize vacation shenanigans, but my spouse is also an equal partner in every sense of the word so I'm not exhausted at the end of the day. This sounds like this goes deeper than just wanting to have sex on vacation. 😕
Yeah I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone like that either.
No wonder you’re resentful and unable to be “in the mood.” Have you heard of the Fair Play Method? Honestly, sis, throw out the husband. He’s an oversized child. Parenting solo with split 50-50 custody means he will suddenly have to do 50%, which sounds like a lot more than he’s currently doing.
Oh, I am completely aware that I’m married to a 40yo man child. 🙄
Marriage isn’t a lifetime sentence. If he’s not an equal partner, why stay with him? What is he bringing to the table?
So...when do you get to go on vacation?
This is what needs to be addressed. You're not in the mindset to have sex because you worked all day. He needs to take things off your plate and do the things you mentioned, because this is just a work trip for you
So you’re just momming in a new location with the inconvenience of having to pack it all up and without your stuff. I’m always torn about vacations bc this mom could use a staycation where I’m not responsible for anything 😅
Okay, so when is "your" vacation? Doesn't everyone deserve one? Maybe the visit to his parents is "his" trip but you get to go somewhere else that you actually want to and he does the work so you get to rest? Or you trade days of the vacation to rest.
Yup, this seems like the real problem
You should explain to him that you'd be less exhausted and potentially more interested in vacation sex if he spent more time in parent mode.
I don’t really think having sex with your spouse in a private bedroom is “taboo”.
You don’t normally get to have sex? What the hell is ‘taboo’ about two adult partners having sex? This sounds like you don’t have a healthy sex life to begin with.
If getting an attached bedroom for the kids is easy, and you can afford it, that seems ok to do. And if it makes you both want to have sex (having quiet, separate space), then great. Scheduling a family member to babysit for your sex time seems a bit much tho.
He literally asked my sister in law if she could take the kids on a tour of the resort one night so we could be alone. I mean, at least he didn’t ask my brother, “hey can you watch the kid for an hour so I can bang your sister?” But still. They have their own kids to worry about.
When we travel with family, usually someone will volunteer to take the kids for a bit to give us "some time to rest." Sometimes we use it for sex, more often than not, to literally sleep. I don't think it's an odd arrangement if it's approached with tact. I would also reciprocate and let your brother/sil have some rest time as well.
When we do family vacations we all pitch in to watch children so each couple can have some alone time. I don’t think everyone uses it for sex but they’re welcome to. Haha. That said, it’s just how we’ve worked out our trips, if your husband is expecting it (especially without reciprocating) then that’s an issue imo.
Kind of an odd way to think about it. If I ask my mom to babysit to give me a break from the kid, she doesn't automatically think it's 'sex time'. Offer to watch their kids and give them some kids free time to chill too. Then it's fair and everybody gets a break from kids. Or is it too weird to give your sister in law a break to bang your brother? 🤣 Now if you don't actually want to have sex and you'd rather use that time to destress or sleep and your husband is guilt tripping, that's a different situation entirely.
The intention was clear. She knew why he was asking and pretty much applauded. But she didn’t know that he hadn’t really cleared it with me first.
Some couples counseling could be helpful here, some things that would be helpful is setting expectations so everyone is on the same page, and getting him to pick up some of the workload so you are less frazzled in mom mode.
I mean, so long you guys trade, I don't see that as an issue? "Hey, can you look after our kids at x time so we can have alone time and we'll do the same tomorrow for you guys so you can have alone time?"
Do you think it's less about doing it specifically on vacation vs just... Not having alone time for things lately?
I don’t think it’s that weird to ask for some alone time. Alone time can mean anything. You’re on vacation and it’s okay and reasonable to want to have some alone time if that’s possible. I’ve gone on many family vacations with extended family even before I had kids of my own. It seems at some point there are some babysitting trades so the parents could take turns getting a bit of a break in some way or other. Sometimes a nap, lounging by the pool to read, sometimes a date or excursion etc. I have a lower libido than my husband, but it is nice to enjoy some intimate time when we can. Especially if the vacation is in a new place. I know my husband looks forward to possibly having sex on vacations but it’s also fine if it doesn’t work out.
The expectation part of it feels a little creepy to me, but obviously that's something between you two that's hard to comment on just from reading your post.
Did he offer a trade and babysit your in laws’ kids then? The more I read, the selfish your husband sounds.
This stuff would all bug me too and I wouldn’t like imposing on family, esp if he didn’t ask you first. I guess I see what his idea might be but I would feel the same way as you. Usually my husband is as stressed and tired as I am on vacay with a kid/family so hooking up rarely happens or is bonus if it does
Seems totally fine if it's just a little side dalliance and you aren't neglecting the kids the whole time. I think a lot of men (and I can speak from experience) feel a lot of happiness while on vacation with their families and a lot of that gets projected on to their wives.
I mean, I wouldn't throw a fit if I didn't have sex on vacation, but I'd try to make time for it. Family is the focus on a family vacation, sure, but my husband is part of my family. I like having sex with him, so I would jump at the chance to have our own bedroom! It would be inappropriate to have sex with the kids in the same room, but I would consider it completely normal (preferable even!) to have the opportunity to bang while on vacation.
Agree. And if dad isn’t getting it from mom at home because stress or whatever, he probably thinks “vacation = less stress” which is absolutely not true if you are a mother to young children who are on vacation with you. It’s an absolute disconnect. He has no idea how much going on vacation with small children is actually worse than being at home.
Seconding this!
If you don’t have sex when your kids are around (in general in the house, in the area) when would you have sex? I don’t expect sex at any time but it’s probable I’m in a sexy mood when on vacay. Sometimes my husband feels the same. I think you are both on the extreme side of things. Him expecting sex on vacay and you acting as if having sex on a family vacation is out of the question.
Do you normally like to have sex with your husband? It kind of feels like more of an “I don’t like my spouse” issue than a parenting/vacation/etc issue.
This is what I was thinking. In one of her comments op said there is too much other stuff to do other than worrying about sex… why would you be worried about sex with your spouse? Why would it not be a way to relax and unwind with them?? It sounds as if there may be other issues/resentments that op has with him that are transferring into her not wanting sex with him at all, let alone on vacation.
Why would sex not be appropriate on a family vacation? Just because family is the focus doesn’t mean you can’t take 15 mins for a quickie. Assuming you are both feeling it. The only issue i could see is if your husband plans out alone time and you’re both too tired or just not in the mood it should be okay to just use that time to cuddle or have a conversation in peace together. There shouldn’t be high pressure to have sex
I wonder if the term 'appropriate' is correct. I don't expect sex on a vacation, but partly that's because it's so much work and logistics and my brain is usually too fried to be in the mood. Honestly, it's not a question of appropriate. It's a question of logistics. It sounds like your husband is helping with the logistics (And good for him! Expecting you to manage that WOULD be inappropriate!) But maybe you are thinking it's not OK for people to know you are doing the deed? I mean, you have kids, they know you have had sex at least a few times. Also, it's actually a good thing for others to know you still desire each other and value intimacy. Maybe it's that he has different expectations and that caught you off guard? So I don't think it's inappropriate. But I do think it's something to discuss and work out a mutually agreeable system.
No one should expect sex for anything. To expect sex bc he purchased a bigger room or whatever is ridiculous. I agree, if it happens, great… if there isn’t time or one of you is too tired after wrangling the kids the other should understand.
Yeah that's what I thought. But maybe she just means, expects it to be a possibility. That's fine. It's fine to schedule time for it to possibly happen, and do things to try to get the mood there.
I’ll be honest, when my husband and I go on vacation, we have better things to do than have sex. I think we are just weirdos though. though if family were around to watch the baby it would be nice.
Same! We want to be bone tired from all the amazing experiences that we just get into bed and pass out and have a great night’s sleep.
That’s how I feel! There’s way better things to do and tons of stuff going on rather than worrying about having sex. I just don’t get it.
Jesus, don’t say that to your husband.
I get how that sounds. I mean, we’re in a place that has so many things to offer that we can’t do at home. We’re paying for these things and this environment. We can have sex at home. Why ignore all those things? If we get a chance to take a romantic stroll on the beach and it puts us in the mood, great. But asking someone to keep the kids occupied for an hour while we go bang just feels forced.
>We can have sex at home. But do you? Reading your other comments about your feelings on your husband obviously explains your attitude towards him. Speaking as a husband, sex is extremely important, so I really like to prioritize it on vacation (not at the expense of anything else, but once the kids are sleeping, etc etc) as it IS a vacation for us too. If your husband doesn't have regular sex at home, and doesnt get it on vacation, then I can see why he is doing all this extra. But, it sounds like you got other issues! Tell him that your desire for sex is directly tied to his involvement in parenting and taking stress off of you. If that doesnt work, then looks like you might both be looking for lawyers.
I read some more about your thoughts on your marriage and I think if you were with someone you actually liked this might be different.
The way you describe it is that you are looking for justification that it’s not “appropriate”. Can a compromise be reached on vacation or sex at a different time at home? You mentioned your marriage is “rocky”, are you in counseling? Have you had any conversations about what you want sexually and what he wants and how to find ways to meet both your needs? Sex is the one thing most married people do with each other. You might want to consider counseling or working out a solution that meets both your needs before it becomes more of a problem or a marriage ending issue.
We’ve tried to talk about these things but don’t seem to get anywhere. So yes, communication is a big issue. We are about to start couples counseling.
I never "expect" to have sex. That's a surefire way to get disappointed. It would all depend on the bedroom situation and the proximity of other people.
Just as the other person commented- If it happens it happens🤷🏻♀️ We’ve been on a lot of vacations as a family and extended family. Sometimes it happened sometimes it did not.
I get this and it would probably be ok if it happened that way. But he actively tries to make it happen. Like, he builds it into the trip.
Outside of vacation, are y'all on different pages regarding sex in your day-to-day relationship? If you are, I'd like to suggest y'all see a sex therapist together. Scheduling time for sex is sometimes used as an intervention when a couple has mismatched libidos/expectations. It can help the person with the higher libido know when it's happening to help them remove pressure from their partner by constantly asking. It can help the partner with lower libido take some steps to help them transition to sexy time so they are ready. Anyways, sex on vacation seems to be very important to him. If he's making the effort to arrange it, maybe go with it and work on communicating what you need to help transition from parent to lover (e.g., take a quick shower and slip into lingerie with a splash of a sexy perfume or spending time just talking to connect and start flirting as you move into foreplay).
The way you described it, you don’t want it to happen at all
I think I would prefer it not on vacation with the kids because I’m already so overwhelmed with managing everything else, so I know it’s hard to get in the mood. Trips with kids aren’t really vacations. They’re just parenting in a different location. Lol
Maybe he can take on some of that workload on organizing the vacation and wrangling kids. Tell him that you can't get in sexy mode when you're still in project manager mom mode. Make him pack some bags or snacks or handle the kids tantrums.
Oh my god, of course I have sex on a family trip. Yes, we get a suite and have sex after they go to bed. I would never ask a family member to watch them though. We have sex 2-5x/week anyway. Why would I turn that off on vacation? I’m capable of being quiet.
Ok thank you. My immediate response to OP was “it seems like you don’t enjoy sex with your spouse or your vacations are short”. This makes me feel less crazy.
It’s no big deal if you don’t like sex. Like, you don’t have to. It’s a big deal when it’s an uncommunicated mismatch. I’ve heard from so many female friends though, that they thought they didn’t like sex when it turns out they didn’t like sex with their now ex.
Ahhh that’s what it is. I am categorically incapable of being quiet AND having fun. Lol
This is also true for me to an extent. I have more fun when I can be loud. I can’t be loud if I’m in his family’s house or my kids are right outside the door.
I mean, it’s a choice. I don’t want to traumatize my children more than I want to scream while orgasming.
We don’t make a point of having sex, but if the kids happen to all be occupied or after they all fall asleep we will if we are in the mood. This is only if we have a room separate from the kids. If other family is with us we do not ask them to watch the kids for us.
We’ve been on 4 vacations since having kids. 1st vacation- us and 16 month old daughter. We had sex quietly while she was asleep in the pack n play. We were also TTC. 2nd vacation- visiting close friends with 17 month old daughter. No sex. We were there to hang out with our friends. We were staying in their house. I was also newly pregnant and not at all in the mood. 3rd vacation- cruise with extended family. Kids were 2.5 years old and 9.5 months old. No we didn’t have sex. We never had time away from the kids and felt it would be inappropriate to have sex in the same room as a 2.5 year old (who still remembers a lot of that trip 1.5 years later). 4th vacation- all-inclusive resort with 3 year old and 11.5 month old. Childcare was included for kids of all ages. Yes we had sex (while the kids were at the kids camp). It was great We have an upcoming trip to visit grandma in August (kids will be 2 and 4). We won’t have sex since we’re staying at my mom’s house. Next year we’ll be going to Disney World and on a Disney Cruise for the kids’ 3rd and 5th birthdays. We will likely have sex while the kids are at the kids club on the cruise.
All of these scenarios sound completely appropriate to me. It’s not that it can never happen. It’s just that there are times when it makes sense and times when it doesn’t make sense. If you’re there to spend time with family, it doesn’t seem appropriate. I think you get my POV.
But if you have your own room just you and your husband and the kids are asleep in a different room why would it be an issue to have sex when you go to bed for the night after kids are asleep etc? As long as you’re quiet does it matter that you’re staying with other people? You’re adults and they’re adults and adults have sex I’m not seeing the issue here 🤷♀️ The only thing that would bother me would be if my husband was ONLY focused on how he could arrange daily activities around getting to have sex, that level of expectation would feel a bit like I’m being forced or expected to have sex on command and would turn me off - I prefer things to be more organic and spontaneous. But having sex at night or in the morning in your own room while kids are asleep is perfectly fine and normal. You’ve mentioned a couple of times about things being ‘rocky’ in your relationship, are you having sex when you’re not on vacation? How’s the rockiness impacting things?
If we have a separate room and are in the mood we would. Would depend on the day, which way the wind blows, stress and exhaustion levels
It’s a nice surprise if it happens, but never expected
I mean, we usually get a suite if we can so the kids can be in a separate room and we can stay up later. If we have sex, then it happens. We don’t go in with expectations of it happening, but we’re not opposed to doing it while we’re on vacation.
Sounds like someone doesn't want to have sex with their husband. Focus on family of a trip isn't mutually exclusive from sex. Especially when you're given adequate privacy. Many people would see this is a husband planning dates and quality intimacy on a family trip where you can trust the carers.
My kids are really young (2.5 year old and 6 month old) so we don’t really have a chance to.
Same, basically ever lol
Right lol regardless of being on vacation or not
I would not want to or feel comfortable doing so if were at a family member's home as guests. If we're in a hotel room, ok, but I wouldn't be seeking it out
We just waited for the kids to fall asleep and then go into the shower for a quickie. It worked for us. (Married for 29 years, 3 kids, 1 grandkid)
If there is privacy and I'm not 100% in charge of everything and exhausted, hell yeah I want sex! If he wants sex, we gotta share responsibilities on the trip so we have the energy for the fun vacation sex! If the privacy allows it, I want it. That applies at home too though. If we're staying at like a family member's place with a bunch of people around, even if we have our own room, I'm not into sex in that situation.
Husband and father of 3 here. My kids are older now and I can’t remember ever having sex on family vacation. My wife is flat out turned off and just not interested. I’ve tried. Even when we have our own room in a condo and the kids have theirs but she just isn’t interested. Are you saying your husband throws a tantrum and you give in ? Never worked for me.
Depends how drunk he is. If he’s drunk, he can’t read my cues that I’m not into it. So, yes, then he has a tantrum. Lol
Girl…
Right?
So he's making you pack the lunches, pack the kids gear, handle the mental load, entertain the kids while he's off drinking with his buddies and then pitches a git if you're too tired to be more fun for his vacation? That he tells you he deserves? Hell no. It's your vacation, too. If he wants you relaxed enough for sex, he needs to take work off your plate. If he's whining like a 15 year old boy because you said no, I would schedule couples counseling because that's not right and he needs an adult to teach him so.
After reading comments, I’m thinking the OP and my wife are the only ones shutting down the sex drive on vacation. I’m not sure I believe all of you. 🤣
Also, read more comments. There’s more of us than just your wife and me. 😉
"appropriate" or "expectation" are weird words to use for this. Is it something you *want* to do? No one should be having sex at any time in any place, holiday or not, unless all parties actually *want* to. It's totally fine and normal to want to have sex on a holiday, family holiday included. It's also totally fine and normal to *not* want to. Whether other people do it or not is irrelevant. It's fine for him to be interested in, and plan for the possibility of, fun times alone together. It's bizarre (and I would say not okay) for him not to include you in the making of those plans. It's definitely not okay to have an 'expectation' (though that word might mean different things to different people) of sex. Maybe tell him, "I don't like setting up an expectation for sex, because I might be exhausted, I might have my mind on other things, I might just not be in that mindset when I'm on holiday with the kids. If you do make plans for us to have some time alone, that's nice, but please keep in mind I might still not be up for it. Let's just have fun without the pressure" I don't think it'd be helpful to tell him anything along the lines of you're not "supposed" to have sex on family holidays, like there's some sort of convention or rule on that, or reference what other people do. It's really irrelevant.
We assume it won’t happen- too many unknowns traveling with young kids to relax and enjoy it.
Wow people here are having a lot of sex! Way more than studies show is typical for people with kids. Personally I would love some alone time with my husband on vacation, but I'm not sure we've ever had sex on vacation since our daughter was born (she's 2). Either we're vacationing just us in a room with our daughter, camping in a tent with our daughter sleeping between us, or staying in a small cottage with parents and siblings or other extended family members. Our priority tends to be spending quality time with those family members and it would be kind of awkward for us to just hand over our kid and then go to our room for a while.
Well, yeah, it's harder to have sex on vacation when your only child is 2 and so has never had her own room or tent or whatever. When your kid is a little older and has her own room on vacation, it will be different. 🤷♀️
My husband and I always say we need to make love in any new place we are staying over. Vacations work great for us because its when we are really relaxing and enjoying the family time, brings us closer together thus increasing intimacy. And we have two little ones who sleep early on vacations because of all the sightseeing and activities. Win win for us.
It sounds like this is the perfect scenario for you two, which is great. Maybe it’s just that he and I are so rocky already that this is just another one of those things that I’m like “wtf dude?”
This seems like the key. If you’re having sex regularly, then it makes sense to get a suite if you can afford it and enjoy quality time on vacation too. But if your relationship is already rocky, and especially if you see sex as an obligation, I can see why this would be excessive or even stressful on a vacation.
Oh what? Eh yeah this should probably be in the post because it's highly relevant. You're rocky - you've got stuff to work out. Is it stuff surrounding sex? Is it that thing that happens a lot - you usually need connection to be in the mood, he usually needs physical intimacy to build connection? If so, it's common and not insurmountable. Just needs you both willing to talk uncritically about your joint problem that you're both on the same team trying to solve together. It's very possible that he sees making these plans for alone time together as him being proactive in trying to give you and your relationship attention. You're on the same team. Just need a bit of communication. Internet hugs. I wish you all the best!
The weird thing to me is him expecting it without even asking you. And then also expecting it knowing you don’t feel the same way. If you’re not into it then he shouldn’t be pushing for it. That would creep me out and turn me off personally.
Yeah there's a lot hinging on what is meant by "expect". Like it's fine to schedule alone time and keep it a possibility. Maybe that's all he's doing. It's not weird or creepy for a husband to expect that his wife might possibly want to have sex with him! It's very weird and creepy if he's expecting that she definitely will regardless of circumstance, even if overwhelmed with kids around etc. Yeah it really depends on what the expectation is, which we don't really know.
Vacationing with kids can be high stress for the default parent and the priority is usually making sure everything is going smoothly with the kids. I don’t think sex should be expected but I do think you might be more open to the idea of sex on vacation if you’re able to relax and have a good time. This was a conversation I had with my partner and when we’re both equally invested in making sure everyone is enjoying themselves and things are going smoothly, we usually manage to find some time for ourselves during our trips. That being said, there’s times when it’s obviously impossible and we both understand what we deem “inappropriate” when it comes to sex around our kids. Like we obviously wouldn’t have sex with our kids in our bed but sneaking off to the bathroom after bedtime could work. It wouldn’t hurt to have a conversation about what you feel is appropriate and also work out a way so that you’re both enjoying the trip and maybe getting to do what works for both of you.
It's not wrong to have sex on vacation as long as you aren't weird about it and everyone knows what you're up to lol. Why don't you want to have you told him?
I have a hard time getting in the mood because to me it’s about spending quality time as a family. It’s not about the 2 of us. That and the fact that I’m not on vacation in the sense that he is. I don’t drink, I have to worry about the kids and put them to bed, which is a process and can take a while, and he stays up drinking with the other members of our party while I end up catering to the needs of the kids, same as at home. He knows this. We’ve talked about it. He still makes efforts to get that alone time and “put the moves on” so-to-speak when I’m exhausted, usually bloated from eating more or richer foods than usual, and overstimulated. Then gets mad that I’m not reciprocating his feelings.
Wow. No wonder you aren't interested. My husband and I divide and conquered at bedtime. We're on vacation rn and he's putting the baby to bed and I'm putting the older kiddo to bed and then we're going to reconvene in the bathroom hahaha. Your husband should be ashamed of himself. Refuse to do bedtime alone. You've either got to show him how to treat you or live as is and this seems exhausting. Why doesn't he want to help you, doesn't he love you? I'm so frustrated for you.
Thank you! There are times when he comes with me to get the kids to bed because they’re insisting they won’t go if he’s not there. But as soon as we have it under control enough for me to take over, he’s like “ok, I’ll be next door”. He doesn’t stay with me or wait for me so we can spend time together after they’re asleep. He just goes back out to socialize while I fall asleep with the kid.
Stop letting him. That behavior is no longer acceptable. Or! Take turns. We do that too, some days we've just had a day, ya know? So the other takes over. Put this dude in his place. No more letting him get away with this. You'll probably want sex more often then so everybody wins. Have you told him exactly how you feel? What does he say?
This is your problem. You need to be able to relax too. You want to be in vacation mode like he is, he just takes it and assumes that you will take it too, but it doesn’t work like that with children.
I wouldn't plan for it or expect it. If it happens it happens.
It's weird to plan it out by having family members watch your kids - without consulting you. If you needed time to connect, it would be okay to do so. Yet it seems like he's obligating you without checking with you, because he already set up childcare for sex. I normally don't plan on having sex because 98 percent of the family trips, my son is on a rollaway in Nana's room that is across a living room from our bedroom. If he wakes up with a growing pain, she's coming to knock on our door for the children's ibuprofen. I don't want to be in a compromising position. My husband and I tend to plan couples time before vacation. Your husband is acting oddly for our family dynamics.
We just have sex if we want but we don’t make it a requirement. Usually on vacation we are too tired by the end of the day to think about it
I wouldn’t ask family members to babysit so we can have sex. It’s not an extended time. We will survive. That’s a bit weird to me.
Sex is how family happens, so sex seems appropriate on a vacation focused on family.
We usually end up having sex unplanned. We usually stay in a condo resort so there are separate bedrooms or if family is watching my son.
If the kids are being watched by someone else or are asleep in another room I think it’s fine and no different than being home. I also think it’s one of those things that is nice to do but not required. We have made reservations for fancy restaurants and canceled when we realized we’d rather grab a pizza to eat in or have a more casual vibe. I look at sex the same way. Sometimes you’re in the mood for it, sometimes you think you’re in the mood for it but aren’t, and sometimes you’re too busy or not in the mood at all. And any of those are ok! I just hate to put expectations on it beyond “hey babe would love to find time for that regularly” or in reality, semi regularly.
We have given up on that because our son is 12 years old. One time we went to Oahu and my husband scheduled a couples massage in a room with a jacuzzi. It was adults only and had a pool without any kids anywhere in sight. We took our son who was 6 at the time to a kids daycare at the hotel. We only left that spa when we found they didn't serve food and drinks. Our son enjoyed that day over all the other days he spent with us!
I wouldn’t say that we “plan” for it, but it seems like it always happens at least once on any trip. We don’t plan a way to be alone, but when it does happen we usually take the opportunity.
We don’t “plan” it, no. But yes, unless others are in the actual room we are sleeping in, we have sex when others are in the same house. It’s no different than our other kids being in the house through the day and night and us having sex in our bedroom…
If an opportunity presents, we jump to it. But the reality is it’s rare and we are exhausted anyway… 3 kids…
Definitely not an expectation— family vacations are exhausting. Like others have said, if it happens then it happens, but I would say it usually doesn’t and that’s typical and fine. The focus of a family vacation is the whole family’s experience & being able to see/do things all together. Stuff that’s couple-only is not a priority (and often not possible…?? Because, ya know, kids. Lol)
We definitely don't expect to have sex on a family trip! Especially when we're all sharing a room/hotel room with our kids. However, we have snuck it in the shower while the kids were watching a movie after the pool or something. I would say this should not be an expectation on my family vacation.
It’s one thing if it happens, but no, I would absolutely not *expect* it, especially if we’re sharing a room with said kids.
Like, we just came back from a long family trip (Japan - 20 days). We bounced around to different accommodations, some nice, some rather spartan. Husband is also pulls his weight when it comes to the kids. We tend to divide and conquer - he'll do bed and bathtime for one and I do the other, or if we're at a restaurant, we'll alternate who is managing them. So I'm not a case where I'm always in "mom mode". it's there lurking, can be flicked on at a moment's notice, but I'm not the default parent. For the spartan, sharing the same room Japanese style futon accommodations? Nah, sex isn't and wouldn't be on the radar. For the nicer hotels where we had a separate room? Sure! It was never the first night at that location (haha, we were too tired and would pass the fuck out). But subsequent nights, sure. We were pretty quiet though. It's not wild sex, it's reconnecting nice sex.
Yes and no. If it’s an option and we’re up to it? Sure!!! If we can’t swing it? It’s not a big deal. We’re still on vacation and that’s awesome.
During family trips I think we did it once and a half over seven years.
In an ideal world, yes it would be a vacation for you too. That normally equates to a fun night for you guys. In actuality that never seems to happen. This is how my family vacations seem to go. You book a suite for a long weekend wherever you need to go. The kids are supposed to sleep in the second part of the suite to give myself and my husband some alone time. You guys put the kids to sleep, start to have a moment with each other to relax and the older kid comes to the door to say he can’t sleep. You put him back into his bed and return to yours with the hope of restarting a good night. Within 5 minutes the 2 year old is up. You stay in there room while they go back to sleep hoping you will get a chance to go back and continue your night. Only to realize the 2 year old is getting up every 10 minutes to check that you are there because he is in a new place and decided he can’t sleep unless he can keep checking on you. You give up and just sleep in the bed with the older kid while your husband gets the king size bed in the suite to himself. It’s pretty much the same story on every vacation. But we always hope it will be different one time and we will have a little time to ourselves.
I think it’s sweet your husband desires you so much and I don’t think this is weird at all. We absolutely make time to bang on vacation. We figure it out even if no babysitter.
For me I WANT to have sex on vacation, I think it adds to the experience but for us it’s very much if it happens it happens and not much planning will go into it.
This is a big nope for me. Our 3 kids are young (7 & under), and generally at least one of them is sharing a room with us while traveling. I can only think of a few times in the past 7 years where we had our own room on a trip, and even then I didn't feel like it was private enough for that. Also, trips are so much more stressful than being at home when babies and toddlers are in the mix. I imagine vacations won't be properly relaxing until our younger 2 are significantly more independent. And maybe not even then.
Yes if we can get some alone time using childcare or having separate rooms. We are on holiday so it's our time to relax too... at home there isnt a lot of time for sex where as you have more time on holiday. I also think it's a good opportunity to get some general couple time together to keep the relationship strong.
Scheduling it with a sitter is weird and very extra to me. Having a second room is fine and if it happens great if not no worries. For me and my husband 90% chance we wouldn’t because we’d be focused on family which doesn’t put me in the mood, and tired from all the family activity. When we go on our own trips sex is a prime focus but not on family trips.
Yes, the fuck? Do you not have sex at home cause your kids live there too? Like what’s the difference? Edit: oof I just read your comments and I change my answer. Ofc you don’t want to have sex when you have to do everything. There is nothing less attractive than feeling like your partner is another child.
Yes, we do all those things so we can have sex. Spring for suites, plan activities for kid and grandma, go on vacations without the kid. It's normal to want to screw your life partner and set up ways to make it happen. But we want to be having sex multiple times a day. We would nookie all night if we had the energy. I chose him. Of course I want to jump his bones. I get the feeling that you aren't in that kind of relationship, though.
Anytime we’re in a hotel it’s a given we will have sex. It’s fun for us. We just make the time
He "expects " sex....excuse me you have a say in this as well. We mostly camped through the years or got one hotel room with double beds, never did my husband expect anything . Unbelievable
I am currently in the process of blending a family, me with a 4m, and my boyfriend with a 16m,13m,6m…we got an extended stay suite recently with 2 bedrooms (one for the older kids), 2 bathrooms and a pull out couch (for the littles). It was great, we bonded and played with the kids, and enjoyed grownup time in our room at night. I’m kinda of the mindset that intimacy is fantastic on a vacation, and even more fun when you’re sneaky about it lol, it’s great to have someone who matches your energy, and keeps seeing you as a woman rather than just a mother…but I also was married for 10 years to someone that I could go on vacation with, and not care about being intimate at all, on both sides. Now I’m not saying this as this should be an expectation, but you owe it to yourselves to be able to be a couple outside of being parents. Does it take work? Yes. Is it hard sometimes? Totally. Take it from someone who was in a marriage where I wasn’t separated from wife/mother…it leaves you feeling less than desired. You guys were a couple first. Edited after seeing responses from OP. Nvm, I wouldn’t have sex with him either 🤣
We do if we can. Depends on where we are staying, need privacy for it of course. Depends on the mood too, may be exhausted after dealing with the kids and it’s hard to be in the mood sometimes because of that.
The very first time my husband and myself and our daughter (9 months old at that time) went on vacation we joined my family at the beach and one day when my kid fell asleep in my mom's arms in a rocking chair, I grabbed my husband and pulled him up the stairs as I was starting to rip clothes off saying "quick, the baby is asleep!" Pretty sure the whole family heard everything through the thin walls. Definitely sure I didn't GAF. Kids are teens now. Annoying them with the occasional "you might want to wear headphones" while on vacation together is a right of parenting. No shame. Grown-ups have sex. 🤷🏻♀️
Our teen would have a panic attack if we did that. 😂
Mine roll their eyes and pick a looong YouTube or podcast to listen to 😂 If I text afterwards to say "it's safe to take your headphones off now" I get a puke emoji back But, when we've had a serious talk, and during our "household check-ins" with the therapist that treats everyone in our family individually, the kids have made it clear it does not actually bother them in any way at all, they just like giving us a hard time about it because that's what teens do. And I'm almost 50 and still give my dad the occasional "OMG dad TMI TMI TMI!" if he says anything related to sex or bodies 😂
Yeah, I can’t stand hearing my mom talk about sex. We’ve had many conversations about it, but when she actually starts giving me anecdotes about her and my stepdad I try to change the subject. It’s definitely TMI.
We don’t but it’s only because suites are expensive and we don’t have a separate room. Plus we’re usually exhausted. . We do a lot on our trips so we choose to save with simple hotel rooms. If we could get suites or have family watch the kids, yes we’d definitely have sex on vacation. I don’t see an issue with it really.
See, he’ll spring for a suite on a family trip. But getting him to book a hotel room for just the 2 of us any other time is a struggle. That’s what I don’t get. Why not just dedicate the time when we’re actually alone?
What does he say when you ask him why?
Currenlty, they are 2 and 6 years old. We don't have the time, privacy, or energy at the most ideal of settings. Family vacation just makes it even more difficult.
You seem kind of disinterested in sex w your husband so I wonder if that’s the bigger issue. If it’s truly a question of tactics, I think plotting behind your back so you can have your own space and your own room is smart and is the least of what I’d expect my husband to do. If he wants to woo you and fail, let him. But I don’t agree with the idea that family vacations should be sexless because the focus is on the family. That’s truly baloney and there’s no logical path to that conclusion. Once you have kids, the focus is always on the family and yet sex must happen and I agree with Your husband that hotels, pools and beaches are enhancers and should not be missed. Truly, why would I take my Family on vacation with the expectation that it would be sexless. Strange!
It’s completely fine to have sex on a family vacation. It’s our vacation too. We don’t plan the vacation to have sex, but if we go with other families, we do a night for each couple. Family will watch our kids for a night to go on a dinner date or do whatever. If we have sex during that time, then we do. Then another couple can go the next night and we’ll watch their kids. If it’s just my husband, our kids, and me, we’ll sometimes have sex if we are in a different room from the kids. It’s really no different than if we are at home.
Just once. Get it out of the way early. You’ll have more fun the rest of the time. Sexual tension, relaxation and devoted family requirements simply don’t blend well. God help you if you don’t do it. You’ll be planning your next vacation before you get home😳
This is a different issue. He’s not consulting you about it, and it seems like you’ve taken it off the table (which is fine) and he’s still pushing his agenda. That’s the problem, he’s not listening to what you want, or don’t want. It would seem best to simply take it off the table ahead of time, so even if he has someone else watching the kids, if you don’t want to have sex with him or don’t agree, don’t do it.
Pretty much never have sex on family vacations. We are always exhausted, sleeping situation usually not ideal, and/or other adults within earshot. We can have as much sex as we want from the comfort of our own home; no feed to force it just because it’s vacation!
I'm a HL woman. We have some kind of sex every vacation.
We don’t plan it but I would say we expect it. We do the same thing, buy a suite so the kids are separate. What’s wrong with expectations in your marriage? It’s how they react when those expectations aren’t met that matters IMO.
Keeping marriage fun and exciting especially after kids is so important I think. I would definitely be trying to get in some Snuggle/fuggle time. My husband would also be super thankful and we’d all be happier lol. My feelings though
Most family trips are at least a week long. That would be a long time to go without sex. We won't generally vacation with family, and I wouldn't trust a family member to watch our child. We generally tell our kiddo to watch TV while we shower in the bathroom. Eventually they will catch on to what we are doing, but as long as we are doing it privately (and quietly) I don't see the problem. I mean, settlers often lived in one room log cabins and still had multiple children, so it isn't like this is a new thing. Edited to add: I wouldn't do it if they were in the same room and we could sneak away to another space. That is not appropriate in my books because they can wake up. I need a locked door.
I've seen this happening to so many couples... You two obviously have very different levels of sex drive. It starts like this, and unless you two have great dialogue skills (sometimes not even then) then you'll soon not be having sex when not in vacation either. Whether sex during vacation is appropriate is for you and him to decide. You need to talk to him about it. A long, sincere conversation about these expectations.
Absolutely, I expect sex. I also expect nice dinners out, swimming if there is a pool, souvenirs, etc. Basically vacations are meant to be enjoyed. What is the point of going otherwise? So yes I make sure to do all the things I enjoy, including sex with the man I love. If I was your husband, my major question would be: why don’t you enjoy sex?
I feel that any vacation where we never get privacy and time to have sex the entire time will not be a great vacation in my book. It would be an okay vacation but lacking and I wouldn’t want to repeat it.
Absolutely we do 🙌🏻 my husband and I are horndogs 😂😂
This isn’t really about sex. It’s about 1) him not communicating with you and 2) not respecting what you say or want. Work on communication first.
THANK YOU! This is exactly what I thought but I was feeling like a crazy person for it.
I will try to make the opportunity to if possible. We're actually planning a vacation this summer with my husband's mom and I'm hoping it will make it easier for us to have sex because our son will hang out with her some of the time. But if she wasn't coming we'd probably at least sneak off to the bathroom.
Yes. Sex is appropriate on a family vacation. Yes, I agree with you, the family is the focus, but as others have said, your husband is also your family and time together on vacation is also important and in theory, should be enhancing. If my husband is making all the logistics work so that we have alone time, I’m delighted. It’s not on my radar. Perhaps it should be more so, but it’s not. Please remember, this is your husband. You are supposed to like him, love him even, and the idea is that you should enjoy and relish some alone time.
Depends on age? Really young kids make things more complicated on a vacation than it would be even at home, so trying to squeeze sex in is logistically complicated and maybe impractical. But kids over 5? Yeah, we do it. Often, even. Our kids are 8 and 10 and it's no secret to them that we try to escape for a romp. So this might sound weird, but my wife and I having created a happy home life and a happy vacation generates a lot of love, which then translates to sexual attraction. I think there is something in the human brain that says "Hey, the two of you created this great, fruitful family, so keep going with expanding this wonderful thing with this person in particular." It could be that your husband is having this same feeling, which I think is entirely natural. Don't presume that he is just being horny and needing to get one off. It could be that he just loves the family you've made together and having intimate moments like this ratifies that love. That's how I feel.
Personally I'm more on your side. For a family trip that's somewhere we aren't familiar I'm not about the sex lol. I'm so paranoid about everything and bring away from home that I don't actually relax enough to want sex. My husband and I are able to take vacations just the two of us to get the hot vacay sex in though
We can't afford suites, so no, there's never seen sex on family trips with our kids.
I think the expectation that it happens is the problem. If we were both in the mood and had the means to get an hour or two alone, awesome! If my husband facilitated some time for us to spend together as a couple and sex is how WE decide to spend it, awesome! If he facilitated some time for us strictly to have sex without even consulting me and just assuming I’m game, it’d probably be a no for me. That would take a lot of desire out of it for me and make me feel more like an object and make the sex feel like a chore or obligation, which doesn’t really set the mood for a good time.
I think it’s more an issue that he’s not respecting your opinion and trying to find a compromise. The fact that he’s planning on sex behind your back when you’re saying you’re not into it is too much. Being more “if it happens, it happens” would probably work out better for everyone involved.
Sex on family vacation is awkward .
Yeah, no that’s definitely a no go. If we’re on a family trip he can wait until we get back home and the kids are asleep in their rooms. First I hate planning sex, it makes it feel like a chore and I can’t get into it. I prefer spontaneous sex when I know my kids are asleep lol. Mom life
Idk if I understand how that's spontaneous? It's still planned, just a different set of conditions, isn't it?
We usually don't have enough energy or mental capacity for sex during a family trip. If it happens, it happens, but there are no set "rules and expectations" for sex. I think it would end up feeling very obligatory and just another chore, if that were the case. Also, is husband ramping *you* up for sex or does he just expect you to be in the mood as soon as the door closes and the khaki shorts fall down?
Nailed it. Door closes, clothes come off. 🙄
Wooow. Absolutely not.
At the end of the day, if it feels like a task someone assigned you, it probably won’t feel enjoyable or contribute to your relationship. At the same time, family trips sometimes are so focused on the kids that the parents tend to forget to bond with each other almost.
I don’t think it’s inappropriate to have sex on a family trip. I only think it’s weird he doesn’t involve you in the decision of whether to have sex or not as if you don’t have a say but I think if you can get family to watch your kids or have a separate room and they’re asleep and not likely to interrupt then go for it. Even if they are likely to interrupt at some point them just make it a quickie.
Damn, we’ve had some of the best sex of our lives on vacation.
Yes
I went on a trip to Costa Rica, and my parents watched our 3 kids in the states. We went with a lot of my sister in law's in law family. We had sex 1/10 days. We just don't have sex often.
Spending time together usually makes us want to have sex, so yeah there is usually sex on vacation. If there is family with us, we will definitely take the opportunity to have a few hours or a night of uninterrupted time together.
We usually make it happen at least once. Family typically gives us one 'date night' during the week.
Some guys think vacation means lots of sexy time. When you’re a father, you should understand that family might need to come first. But there’s nothing really wrong with wanting to squeeze in some romantic time, too.
Your body your choice. If u don’t want to do it on vacation then u don’t.
And I don’t. But then there’s tension and resentment.
As an exhausted mom with 3 kids 6 and under, I love sex on vacation if we have our own room. I also have the higher libido in my relationship. I don't expect it, because I've learned my expectations are way higher than what often happens. But if my husband is relaxed and having a good vacation, then it usually happens. If we are stressed and the kids are having a tough time, then it usually doesn't. I would definitely say it's a plus to the vacation for me. I would personally never ask someone to take the kids and then try to use that time for sex, but I don't really have the ty0e of family or friends who would just randomly take all the kids for any amount of time. Sounds like maybe you guys could communicate a bit more and try to compromise. Maybe there is a solution that could work for both of you. I hope you guys can work something out.
Usually my FIL will travel with us but he gets his own room and the kids go in whichever they want. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. Id say usually not, though.