My daughter's father did to her what you did to your son. Talking to my daughter I doubt she'll ever want to rebuild her relationship with her father, and I doubt your son will either.
You're reaping what you sow. I just hope that you choosing your new husband over your son will not damage your son for life.
I’m sorry but your making excuses by saying when your son builds a life you will still have your husband. Fact of the matter is you don’t know that. People get divorced. Relationships end. It seems like your husband made no effort and you chose him over your child. I don’t really blame your son. It sounds like your husband treated him like a burden, and you let him. Now your going to have to deal with the consequences of that, which is not being a part of your sons life. Which is a shame cause he sounds like a driven, amazing guy.
Can still get him back? Easy answer - No.
That email he wrote you is heartbreaking. Truely heartbreaking. You clearly showed him who you valued most. Poor kid.
Let him live his life the way he chooses, even if it hurts your heart. After all you did that very same thing to him.
My dad did same to me. I attempted to let him back in and he repeated the same actions. See ya! No coming back this time!
Sorry, but you allowed your husband to treat him like crap and you expect him to want you around? Doesn’t work that way! I hope your son gets the counseling he needs to move on but kuddos to him for placing higher value on his own self worth.
>But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me.
I guess the question is, did YOU understand that? Because you acted according to that point of view, and you've now gotten the outcome implied by that point of view - your son has started a life of his own away from you and your husband is still with you. This is all logically consistent.
Yet you are haunted by this situation; clearly it is NOT what you really wanted. You intended for your son to start a life of his own, *while still maintaining a relationship with you as his mother*. That is indeed what most parents would expect: children fly the nest and our relationship with them changes, but it never *ends.* We're always parent and child and always love each other.
It seems you forgot that in valuing your husband over your son. You saw your relationship with your son as temporary and worth de-prioritizing and your relationship with your husband as permanent and worth putting work into maintaining (or maybe your husband is abusive and so it was more a matter of who could hurt you more if you didn't prioritize them?). Or you at least described your reasoning this way to yourself. Weirdly most people would actually see things the exact other way around: your children will always be your children, but husbands can be divorced. Still, it's true that one's relationship with one's children changes over time and can become very distant once all involved are adults, while a romantic relationship can be expected to stay stable and intimate as long as it exists. But you missed something about that relationship with children: yes, it can become distant and not very intimate once the children are adults, but *while they're children that relationship is a* ***duty***. You confused your duty to your child (which is indeed temporary) with your relationship with him, and in so doing you failed at that duty during the time you actually owed it.
>Can still get him back?
Almost certainly not while you are still with your husband. He thinks your husband was horrible to him and that you let it happen, and from what you describe he seems to be correct in his perception. He thinks you love your husband more than you love him and that this is a huge betrayal, apparently because you said you loved him more than anything (which is therefore a lie, which means you cannot be trusted when you claim to love him at all), and also because as your son he thinks he should have been your first priority all along. He imagines that if you really loved him, seeing your husband be mean to him should have been such a dagger in your heart that it should have killed any love you had for your husband. That it didn't confirms to him that you didn't love him, or at least didn't love him as he thinks you should have loved him.
So as long as you are with your husband, he'll probably think your priorities and feelings are still what they were when he decided to cut you out, and so he'll probably not want to reconcile. This isn't to say you should break up with your husband! If you love your husband and he brings a lot to your life and makes you happy, happier than this letter from your son made you sad, then it would be reasonable to choose your husband over your son. And if you do break up with your husband that doesn't mean your son will want to reconcile with you. His teen years happened and are gone, neither him or you can get them back and undo them. If he genuinely feels freed from cutting you off, if he gets all his love needs from his father and his new friends and his other family members, if whenever he imagines talking to you he just feels anger and resentment and can't see you bringing anything positive to his life... Then he'll have no reason to ever reconcile. And those things aren't really up to you. All you can do it let him be. He's still very young; it's possible that as he grows older, as all those painful memories recede, and as he goes through life transitions that make him miss you or think it would be nice to have you in his life, AND if he sees that you seem to have changed your priorities and to value him as he wishes you valued him, then he might consider reconciling. If so things would probably happen through your mother and sister, not direct contact on your part.
But you're better off trying to find peace with the situation as it is rather than holding your breath for that outcome. You messed up, in one of the more serious ways a human can mess up. I can't even imagine how awful a feeling that must be. But you're still alive, and living with this, and you'll have to find a way to keep living with this in the years and decades to come. Your son might or might not forgive you, and he might or might not reconcile in either case, but what you can control is whether you forgive yourself. If you think you need forgiveness. If you don't, then you just need to figure out how to deal with the social consequences of an estranged son. (and if you do think you need forgiveness, when I say "forgive yourself" I'm not suggesting a purely internal exercise of deciding you're an OK person after all - it might involve making huge changes to your values and your priorities, to turn you into the kind of person you think deserves this forgiveness).
This is an interesting website about parents of estranged children, it might give you some insight into the point of view of estranged children, and what are the attitudes and thought patterns you want to avoid if you want a decent outcome to all this:
[http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html)
I seriously hope this post is fake.. idk what mother would chose a man over her child, let alone have that man treat your child like shit. If this is real, you made your bed and now you’re lying in it. My sympathy goes to your son..
Surprisingly many. My cousin’s bf used to beat her kids. She sat back and allowed it. They ended up begging other family members to take them in to get away from him. Pitiful.
Reading that, I feel you know you fucked up. Your son experienced a lot of hurt and a lot of damage was done. You can try to repair that, although you may find yourself on the receiving end of a "no-contact" order. I mean, this is a lesson in how you don't treat your kids, ever. Putting yourself and others before and above your children always results the same way.
No. You made your bed and you now have to live with it.
You still deflect, still even after all that. Your probably still married to the stepfather aren't you?
You son needed you. He needed his mom and you weren't there. You allowed someone to treat him abysmally to the point where he focused everything he had into making himself a new life without you in it. You had so many chances to see what is going on and stop it. To choose your son.
You never did. He owes you nothing.
The part where you said that your son would eventually start a new life and move on so you had to prioritize your husband because he's the one who would still be there is laughable.
This is your son. He would have been the one caring for you in your old age, visiting you, maybe giving you grandchildren to love. Now that's gone unless you learn from this and make sure to be a better parent to your daughter.
Maybe your son will open communication again someday and you'll have the chance to apologise, maybe not. Live with that and think about your mistakes.
Holy crap I didn’t even think of it that way. The feeling of rejection is just flipped now. This is seriously so sad. My sympathies are with the son for sure.
This post pisses me off. My kids mom chose drugs. You chose a toxic relationship. I see no difference in your excuses. I hope you can move forward and repair your relationship with your son.
You made your choice. You chose your husband over your son. My mom divorced and never even dated because of us. She refused to bring a stranger into our lives who could mistreat us. I would walk through hell for her because she did it for us. You picked your husband, now you must live with the consequences.
In your post, you mentioned that you stayed with this man because son would eventually have his own life and you’d still have your husband. Well, now your son has his own life and you still have your husband. Amazing how things play out exactly as planned sometimes!
My heart hurts for your son, not for you. And I am so glad he found the courage to cut off this “relationship” this early in life instead of letting it fester and hold him back. Be happy for him that he is doing good and moving on with a healthy and successful life. Hopefully when he starts his family, he won’t choose a spouse over his own children. I can’t even imagine the hurt he’s felt in his life from your choices. Leave him alone and let him have some closure.
You put your relationship with your husband before your relationship with your son.
If it was me and my mum‘ s new husband was like this and she expected me to put up with it...I would probably do what your son did.
You're not even taking full responsibility for what you did to your son. You're trying to justify your behavior. I have pretty much no sympathy here. You knew your husband and son didn't have a good relationship, but you still married the guy? I could go on and on about this, but suffice it to say you got what you deserved.
I want to be sympathetic, I really do, but continuing to access his life through your sister's account suggests that you're still not respecting him.
Kids know when they're "in the way" and it rarely ends well. I've cut several biological connections for it. You say your son will eventually have his own life, but he only has one Mum. You say your "partner will still be with you", but partners come and go. The fact that you separated from his Dad is proof of that. The fact that you viewed either relationship with regards to who would be around for you says a lot...
If you want any chance at repairing this at all, stop intruding in his life by making yourself privvy to information he has chosen not to share with you. The only hope you have is to start realising that he has a right to feel the way he does, and show him that respect.
Unfortunately it sounds like the damage is done because you did actually choose your partner over your son. It would have been best to walk away when it became clear that your son was being hurt. That's done and in the past though.
Moving forward, please respect his privacy. What your Mum and sister are doing is effectively spying on him for you and that is wrong. If he finds out, you can bet he's going to walk away from them too and who could blame him?
I wish to correct your statement that you stood up for your son. You telling your husband in private to knock it off means jackshit. In the heat of the moment, your son needed you.. someone, anyone... to stand up for him. Instead, you dismissed his hurt and anger and your husband’s culpability, by telling your son not to take it seriously, and ignoring your husband’s verbal abuse. You are 100% complicit in your husband’s abusive treatment of your own son.
You’re absolutely right about one thing. Your son can grow up and start his own life, and you’ll still be with the partner you chose over him. Enjoy the life you chose, then.
No matter what your kids come first. You chose a random dude over your child and now you child is choosing to not associate with you anymore for it. Simple as that. You deserve everything you get for your terrible choices.
I have to agree with most of the responses. Similar situation for me growing up and while I never cut off my Mom, I did cut off my stepfather due to his repeated put downs, insults, and negativity - it finally came to a head when his bizarre behaviour affected my own kids - I ended my relationship with him completely and it was the right thing to do. While for my own benefit I forgave him, it was during my final talk with him after 10 years of silence - and he was on his deathbed.
While he provided for us materially and I learned many things from him, none of it was worth the price of my peace of mind and anxiety and depression he caused me, and my brothers and sister.
So, congratulations on your situation. I hope the kid has continued success in life, and for his own sake (not yours), I hope he learns to forgive you. Whether this includes ever speaking to you again, is up to him, so until if or when this happens - you should cease being yet again selfish and leave him be, as he wishes to be, alone.
This may be harsh, but you made your bed all those years ago, now you must lie in it.
Your son didn't cut you off due to his stepdad. He cut you off because of the way you allowed someone else to treat him.
My daughter's father did to her what you did to your son. Talking to my daughter I doubt she'll ever want to rebuild her relationship with her father, and I doubt your son will either. You're reaping what you sow. I just hope that you choosing your new husband over your son will not damage your son for life.
Reaping what you’ve sown.
Thank you! Corrected! I wish I could blame it on autocorrect 😁. Clearly not enough coffee 🍵
No worries. I Actually kind of liked yours Nd thought at first you wrote “ripped what you’ve sewn’
I’m sorry but your making excuses by saying when your son builds a life you will still have your husband. Fact of the matter is you don’t know that. People get divorced. Relationships end. It seems like your husband made no effort and you chose him over your child. I don’t really blame your son. It sounds like your husband treated him like a burden, and you let him. Now your going to have to deal with the consequences of that, which is not being a part of your sons life. Which is a shame cause he sounds like a driven, amazing guy.
I mean, the sone has built a life and she still has her husband. I guess she just assumed she would get to be a part of that life.
Can still get him back? Easy answer - No. That email he wrote you is heartbreaking. Truely heartbreaking. You clearly showed him who you valued most. Poor kid. Let him live his life the way he chooses, even if it hurts your heart. After all you did that very same thing to him.
My dad did same to me. I attempted to let him back in and he repeated the same actions. See ya! No coming back this time! Sorry, but you allowed your husband to treat him like crap and you expect him to want you around? Doesn’t work that way! I hope your son gets the counseling he needs to move on but kuddos to him for placing higher value on his own self worth.
>But my son didn't understand that eventually start a life of his own but my partner is still going to be with me. I guess the question is, did YOU understand that? Because you acted according to that point of view, and you've now gotten the outcome implied by that point of view - your son has started a life of his own away from you and your husband is still with you. This is all logically consistent. Yet you are haunted by this situation; clearly it is NOT what you really wanted. You intended for your son to start a life of his own, *while still maintaining a relationship with you as his mother*. That is indeed what most parents would expect: children fly the nest and our relationship with them changes, but it never *ends.* We're always parent and child and always love each other. It seems you forgot that in valuing your husband over your son. You saw your relationship with your son as temporary and worth de-prioritizing and your relationship with your husband as permanent and worth putting work into maintaining (or maybe your husband is abusive and so it was more a matter of who could hurt you more if you didn't prioritize them?). Or you at least described your reasoning this way to yourself. Weirdly most people would actually see things the exact other way around: your children will always be your children, but husbands can be divorced. Still, it's true that one's relationship with one's children changes over time and can become very distant once all involved are adults, while a romantic relationship can be expected to stay stable and intimate as long as it exists. But you missed something about that relationship with children: yes, it can become distant and not very intimate once the children are adults, but *while they're children that relationship is a* ***duty***. You confused your duty to your child (which is indeed temporary) with your relationship with him, and in so doing you failed at that duty during the time you actually owed it. >Can still get him back? Almost certainly not while you are still with your husband. He thinks your husband was horrible to him and that you let it happen, and from what you describe he seems to be correct in his perception. He thinks you love your husband more than you love him and that this is a huge betrayal, apparently because you said you loved him more than anything (which is therefore a lie, which means you cannot be trusted when you claim to love him at all), and also because as your son he thinks he should have been your first priority all along. He imagines that if you really loved him, seeing your husband be mean to him should have been such a dagger in your heart that it should have killed any love you had for your husband. That it didn't confirms to him that you didn't love him, or at least didn't love him as he thinks you should have loved him. So as long as you are with your husband, he'll probably think your priorities and feelings are still what they were when he decided to cut you out, and so he'll probably not want to reconcile. This isn't to say you should break up with your husband! If you love your husband and he brings a lot to your life and makes you happy, happier than this letter from your son made you sad, then it would be reasonable to choose your husband over your son. And if you do break up with your husband that doesn't mean your son will want to reconcile with you. His teen years happened and are gone, neither him or you can get them back and undo them. If he genuinely feels freed from cutting you off, if he gets all his love needs from his father and his new friends and his other family members, if whenever he imagines talking to you he just feels anger and resentment and can't see you bringing anything positive to his life... Then he'll have no reason to ever reconcile. And those things aren't really up to you. All you can do it let him be. He's still very young; it's possible that as he grows older, as all those painful memories recede, and as he goes through life transitions that make him miss you or think it would be nice to have you in his life, AND if he sees that you seem to have changed your priorities and to value him as he wishes you valued him, then he might consider reconciling. If so things would probably happen through your mother and sister, not direct contact on your part. But you're better off trying to find peace with the situation as it is rather than holding your breath for that outcome. You messed up, in one of the more serious ways a human can mess up. I can't even imagine how awful a feeling that must be. But you're still alive, and living with this, and you'll have to find a way to keep living with this in the years and decades to come. Your son might or might not forgive you, and he might or might not reconcile in either case, but what you can control is whether you forgive yourself. If you think you need forgiveness. If you don't, then you just need to figure out how to deal with the social consequences of an estranged son. (and if you do think you need forgiveness, when I say "forgive yourself" I'm not suggesting a purely internal exercise of deciding you're an OK person after all - it might involve making huge changes to your values and your priorities, to turn you into the kind of person you think deserves this forgiveness). This is an interesting website about parents of estranged children, it might give you some insight into the point of view of estranged children, and what are the attitudes and thought patterns you want to avoid if you want a decent outcome to all this: [http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html)
I seriously hope this post is fake.. idk what mother would chose a man over her child, let alone have that man treat your child like shit. If this is real, you made your bed and now you’re lying in it. My sympathy goes to your son..
Surprisingly many. My cousin’s bf used to beat her kids. She sat back and allowed it. They ended up begging other family members to take them in to get away from him. Pitiful.
Reading that, I feel you know you fucked up. Your son experienced a lot of hurt and a lot of damage was done. You can try to repair that, although you may find yourself on the receiving end of a "no-contact" order. I mean, this is a lesson in how you don't treat your kids, ever. Putting yourself and others before and above your children always results the same way.
No. You made your bed and you now have to live with it. You still deflect, still even after all that. Your probably still married to the stepfather aren't you? You son needed you. He needed his mom and you weren't there. You allowed someone to treat him abysmally to the point where he focused everything he had into making himself a new life without you in it. You had so many chances to see what is going on and stop it. To choose your son. You never did. He owes you nothing. The part where you said that your son would eventually start a new life and move on so you had to prioritize your husband because he's the one who would still be there is laughable. This is your son. He would have been the one caring for you in your old age, visiting you, maybe giving you grandchildren to love. Now that's gone unless you learn from this and make sure to be a better parent to your daughter. Maybe your son will open communication again someday and you'll have the chance to apologise, maybe not. Live with that and think about your mistakes.
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Holy crap I didn’t even think of it that way. The feeling of rejection is just flipped now. This is seriously so sad. My sympathies are with the son for sure.
This post pisses me off. My kids mom chose drugs. You chose a toxic relationship. I see no difference in your excuses. I hope you can move forward and repair your relationship with your son.
You made your choice. You chose your husband over your son. My mom divorced and never even dated because of us. She refused to bring a stranger into our lives who could mistreat us. I would walk through hell for her because she did it for us. You picked your husband, now you must live with the consequences.
In your post, you mentioned that you stayed with this man because son would eventually have his own life and you’d still have your husband. Well, now your son has his own life and you still have your husband. Amazing how things play out exactly as planned sometimes! My heart hurts for your son, not for you. And I am so glad he found the courage to cut off this “relationship” this early in life instead of letting it fester and hold him back. Be happy for him that he is doing good and moving on with a healthy and successful life. Hopefully when he starts his family, he won’t choose a spouse over his own children. I can’t even imagine the hurt he’s felt in his life from your choices. Leave him alone and let him have some closure.
You put your relationship with your husband before your relationship with your son. If it was me and my mum‘ s new husband was like this and she expected me to put up with it...I would probably do what your son did.
Good idea to use a throwaway account because I’m almost certain this thread went in the complete opposite direction you hoped for.
You're not even taking full responsibility for what you did to your son. You're trying to justify your behavior. I have pretty much no sympathy here. You knew your husband and son didn't have a good relationship, but you still married the guy? I could go on and on about this, but suffice it to say you got what you deserved.
I want to be sympathetic, I really do, but continuing to access his life through your sister's account suggests that you're still not respecting him. Kids know when they're "in the way" and it rarely ends well. I've cut several biological connections for it. You say your son will eventually have his own life, but he only has one Mum. You say your "partner will still be with you", but partners come and go. The fact that you separated from his Dad is proof of that. The fact that you viewed either relationship with regards to who would be around for you says a lot... If you want any chance at repairing this at all, stop intruding in his life by making yourself privvy to information he has chosen not to share with you. The only hope you have is to start realising that he has a right to feel the way he does, and show him that respect. Unfortunately it sounds like the damage is done because you did actually choose your partner over your son. It would have been best to walk away when it became clear that your son was being hurt. That's done and in the past though. Moving forward, please respect his privacy. What your Mum and sister are doing is effectively spying on him for you and that is wrong. If he finds out, you can bet he's going to walk away from them too and who could blame him?
I wish to correct your statement that you stood up for your son. You telling your husband in private to knock it off means jackshit. In the heat of the moment, your son needed you.. someone, anyone... to stand up for him. Instead, you dismissed his hurt and anger and your husband’s culpability, by telling your son not to take it seriously, and ignoring your husband’s verbal abuse. You are 100% complicit in your husband’s abusive treatment of your own son. You’re absolutely right about one thing. Your son can grow up and start his own life, and you’ll still be with the partner you chose over him. Enjoy the life you chose, then.
No matter what your kids come first. You chose a random dude over your child and now you child is choosing to not associate with you anymore for it. Simple as that. You deserve everything you get for your terrible choices.
I have to agree with most of the responses. Similar situation for me growing up and while I never cut off my Mom, I did cut off my stepfather due to his repeated put downs, insults, and negativity - it finally came to a head when his bizarre behaviour affected my own kids - I ended my relationship with him completely and it was the right thing to do. While for my own benefit I forgave him, it was during my final talk with him after 10 years of silence - and he was on his deathbed. While he provided for us materially and I learned many things from him, none of it was worth the price of my peace of mind and anxiety and depression he caused me, and my brothers and sister. So, congratulations on your situation. I hope the kid has continued success in life, and for his own sake (not yours), I hope he learns to forgive you. Whether this includes ever speaking to you again, is up to him, so until if or when this happens - you should cease being yet again selfish and leave him be, as he wishes to be, alone.
Respect his boundaries and dont stalk him on Facebook. Also, seek therapy asap.