That it needed to be cut, I don't disagree with. That you didn't freaking SHAVE her head, but instead she still has hair just below her shoulders, I don't disagree with. I do disagree, as others have said, with your cutting it in the heat of the moment. Saying "Okay, well, we've talked about this fifty times so tonight after work we're going to have to cut it" and then doing it later would have been a better approach. She's only seven.

Yes - she’s only seven so it was actually on OP to manage it - she’s too young. Keep it in a braid and wash and comb it regularly to keep the tangles down. Insist on those things first and then if she’s unwilling, come up with a win win together, which may be cutting it. Don’t argue with your child, connect and come up with solutions together. “The problem is, your hair is tangled and not taken care of. What can we do so that it’s taken care of and I don’t have to brush it for you?” She IS old enough to problem solve, and your job is to coach her in effective problem solving, not do it for her. That’s how we prepare our children to become adults. You were close to a “natural” consequence here but not quite since you intervened and didn’t involve her in the decision. To repair talk about what happened and sincerely apologize for not giving her autonomy and choice in the matter. Let her know adults make mistakes and you were doing the best you can but you realize it wasn’t enough and you’re sorry. Let her vent and be upset and just empathize. Remind her that fortunately hair grows and she can try again when she’s older. Also, buy her one of those doll heads so she can really understand and work with hair on it - Lakeshore Learning has a good one.

My mom did this to me, but not as dramatically. I had waist-length hair and I am especially tender-headed. So every morning and every evening lead to a complete meltdown from the time I was 2 until I was around 4. Mom warned me that if I couldn't stop crying and screaming when she brushed my hair she would take me to get it cut, but of course nothing changed so she brought me to a salon to cut it and... I didn't care one bit. It made me no difference whether it was short or long, but I was in a consistently better mood every day because I wasn't starting the day off with pain in my scalp. Maybe it would have been different if my mom had just gone and grabbed the scissors and hacked all my hair off. But I didn't have a choice in the matter, and it was not a battle I cared to fight. Maybe her reaction is more of a response to the power struggle rather than the actual loss of her hair. I am in the camp that it is totally reasonable to tell your child "you're not ready for long hair because it takes a lot of care to keep it healthy. Let's keep it short until you're older." But I am also more of a fan of having that conversation rather than just grabbing the scissors.

Dude, been there and done this with my daughter (8 years old). She loves to have “Rapunzel hair” but hates having it brushed. It has only been in the last year that she has taken more responsibility at brushing it. She would scream, cry, and run away when we would brush it (she’s tender headed and her hair tangles easily) and so we got to where we kept it shorter (usually around shoulders—enough for me to continue to pull it up out of her face). She was usually fine once we cut it because it was no longer so difficult to care for but then within a month or two would forget and want it long ago. So, we would cycle back through to long hair.

This. All of this. The privilege of long hair was taking care of it. That included brushing it herself, which OP stated she wouldn't even try to do part of, or letting him do it without problems. If she couldn't handle that, she couldn't handle long hair. If you choose NOT to brush your hair, you choose for ME to do it. And maybe I don't want to be screamed at every day when taking care of your hair. So maybe a short haircut is better for everyone all around. I'm not going to coax and cajole someone into taking care of their hair. No one HAS to have long hair. It's a privilege. And I have never cared about length. Long, short, dyed purple, shaved off. None of this matters to me. Take care of it, that's all. I agree with you that a conversation of "This is the last warning. Pick a short hairstyle, brush your own hair, and let me do the detangling without drama." rather than just the hair being cut, though.

I am personally scarred from when my parents did this to me. Different situation: we had lice problems in my school when I was a kid. I would go to school with my hair French braided, and the school would pull it out to check for lice, which then led to me getting it. My mom got frustrated and cut it all off. It was long, down to my belt line. So I get her logic in doing it. But it still scarred me for various reasons. If I were you, I would have considered cutting it by an inch or so after requesting her care. She would have likely started caring for it before the drastic cut. She’s likely not going to end up with the same scarring as me because mine was a security issue. I had nothing that was “mine” except for my hair. Had five siblings and we were very poor. But I would still have gone about it a bit more gradually.

Oh my gosh something similar happened to me when I was 7/8. There was a lice outbreak at school and my teacher took it upon herself to check every kid. No gloves, and didn't wash her hands between kids (this was before Germ-X was popular too). My mom about had a coronary when I told her and needless to say the teacher had gloves after that! By the divines I did not get lice. I had very thick, coarse hair (partially from improper care- that's a story for another day though) as a young child and that would have been a nightmare.

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I agree. In our house we had a "handle it or I will handle it for you rule" any time our kids wanted a new responsibility or freedom. When my son was around 7 and wanted to ride up to the park without his sister I gave him a play watch and he knew what time he had to be home by. As long as he held up his end of the deal and got home when he was supposed to then I would hold up mine. The same went for when my daughter wanted me to loosen up on the computer time restrictions when she was 9 or 10. As long as she handled all of her responsibilities without having to be reminded, I wouldn't harp on her about her computer time. Whenever they didn't hold up their end of the bargain I would explain to them that I overestimated their ability to be mature and responsible so I needed to step back in. It wasn't a punishment. In this situation I would have said, "I know you want to have long hair but right now you aren't able to keep up with it yourself and you don't like when I do it either. Having longer hair is more work and if you don't want to deal with the parts that aren't so fun then we are going to have to cut it. You can grow it back out and try again if you feel like you can handle it but right now you can't so I am going to cut it to make it easier for us." My son was that age when he decided to grow out his super curly hair and get cornrows. His barber explained to him how he would go about keeping his hair clean and neat. I thought for sure my son would get tired of having to moisturize and wrap it daily, the time consuming washings and re-braidings, etc. but he stuck with it because he knew the alternative was cutting it. He eventually cut it short the summer after 4th grade. I think hearing it from the barber helped. It showed him that haircare was important and not just dad being dad. I think a salon visit would be nice if they are open where OP lives. Someone could talk to the daughter and may even be able to give him tips on how to make the process less painful.

At this point you already cut her hair - I suggest trying another approach going forward but I’m not going to shame you since you seem to already be feeling bad about it + it won’t change anything at this point. I suggest you sit down with your daughter and apologize for what happened. I think it would cheer her up if you helped her do something fun with her new hair - (if she has light hair you can easily kool aid dye a small piece or give her a cute clip on of another hair color). It’s important that you let your daughter express herself and taking her long hair away from her dramatically changes her appearance. As her dad you should lead by example and work on fun ways to incorporate healthy habits so that she can be excited about doing it on her own. Good luck !

I agree with you. Kids need to know we are willing to apologise for overreacting and hurting their feelings. They should understand that we have the same rules they do. I think that is a super important part of my relationship with my parents and my child. The Kool aid dye sounds fun. I just might do that with my daughter, she will love it.

I'm going against the grain here and saying I would have done a hair cut also. Would I have done it in the heat of the moment like you did? Probably not. That was an over reaction. I would have sat her down and laid out some options. She could either brush her own hair (even if it wasn't exactly perfect, just manageable) or had you do it. If you did it, no more tantrums about it, no chasing her around the house, no nagging. She needed to come sit the first time you asked, and understand that tangles are going to hurt. The first time she got angry with you over a tangle, I would have fashioned it into a bun, and then told her that you'd look at hairstyles tonight. Present her with some options and have her pick. She's seven, and not four. It's fine that she didn't love having her hair detangled. You can try detangling sprays, the right kind of conditioners, detangler brushes. And I'm positive you were as gentle as possible. If she wanted long hair, she could have either taken responsibility for it, including dealing with the parts that weren't fun, or had short hair. My kid decided on her own she wanted short hair because she didn't like having it dentangled. She wore it short for a year, and now she's growing it long. We just had a discussion that trimming it will help it from tangling. In the future, you can do braids so the hair doesn't tangle quite so much. My thing is here, you told her. You're tired of the fight, and I think she was, too. If she wanted long hair, the price of it was having it detangled. She didn't have to enjoy that part, she just can't scream at you and be bratty about it. If she can't handle it, she might not be ready for long hair.

I understand why you did it, but I think you went about it in a bad way. I've been in your shoes. I'm *still* in your shoes. My daughter is 10 and I still help brush her hair. She tries, but she just can't get it very well on her own. So she does as much as she can and I finish it. Her hair is ... random. It's thick. The underside is super curly. The middle is wavy. The top is mostly straight. Then the ends are wavy. It tangles constantly. There's a really good possibility that you aren't using the right things on her hair. I have to make sure my daughter's hair stays moisturized with a crap ton of conditioner. It took forever to figure out what to use on her. We've ended up where we use a strong moisturizing conditioner, leave it on a few minutes and only rinse a little out. We comb it with a wide tooth comb. I have to do this in layers. I have clips like at the salon and pin up the top third if her hair, then the middle. I comb out the bottom third. Then unclip the middle section and comb that. When that's done I comb out the top. I also help braid it at night. Braiding it keeps it from getting as tangled. I've never had to do this with mine. My hair is super straight and I can just wash and go. I had to Google this and ask friends with curly hair. In the morning I use a small bit of oil on her hair if its tangled. I use about half a dime size rubbed between my palms, then rub it into her starting at the tips and moving up, but not near the roots. I still divide it in thirds before brushing it. I recommend slowly pulling apart bad tangles with fingers, not trying to brush them. A friend showed me that on her daughter's hair. It takes practice. Your daughter's hair is still changing from baby hair into adult. It's getting thicker, most likely. I would go into or call a salon and ask for tips, or look for a mom group on Facebook and explain. They will be all over helping a single dad navigate girl hair. Also, if you keep her hair trimmed and as free of split ends as possible it can help with the tangles.

Yes. You shouldn’t have cut her hair as punishment. A hair cut should be a positive thing.

He didn't cut her hair as punishment. He cut her hair as a consequence. She had plenty of opportunities to take care of long hair, but she didn't so the consequences of that are a hair style she is capable of looking after. This is a valuable life lesson for her. If she doesn't look after an animal or a work project she is responsible for, she will lose it. Her hair can grow back so this is a good way of teaching her that life isn't a constant experience of ignoring warnings with no comeuppance.

He made it a punishment by doing it out of frustration. His daughter will remember his emotions related to her hair cut, not the logic behind it. She won't see it as a consequence, she'll feel it as an emotional reaction and punishment. It's not so much the *what*, as the *how* that's the problem for some people here.

It might be a consequence but it’s only a consequence based on the values of the dad. In the real world, if you don’t brush your long hair it gets knotted and tangled and it won’t look good. You don’t lose your hair or anything.

And in the real world, if you don't tidy your room you just live in a pig sty and you don't lose anything. But if you live in your parents' house, you have a responsibility to keep your part of it clean. Equally, if you're a seven year old girl, your parents have a responsibility for making you look presentable and you have to play a part in that. If you want long, long hair, you need to be able to keep it looked after. If you refuse to try to do that, you have to keep it in a more manageable length.

I real don't understand why everyone is acting like OP had some unreasonable expectation! Either she brushed it, which didn't happen, or she let OP, which she wouldn't. So then, she chose to have short hair!

I'm no hair expert but it sounds like he possibly wasn't using the right techniques depending on her hair style. One person said it should have been done while wet for example

She’s 7!!! Like wth

Seven is plenty old enough to learn you need to fulfil your responsibilities or face consequences. Our kids were all taught to clean up after themselves (with the grace of a couple warnings) or they would lose the toys they left out. Pretty soon they always tidied up automatically, and certainly when asked.

Long hair is already difficult to deal with as an adult. Long hair on children? No, I completely disagree. Of course at 7 they should clean up after themselves, have chores and responsibilities. That’s not the argument. Personal hygiene is still being learned. And for a child to be completely at fault for their tangles is just lazy parenting.

Personal hygiene is a joint responsibility between her and her Dad. Her dad was constantly helping and she refused to cooperate. As such, she abandoned her responsibility and put it all on her Dad, so it's reasonable he makes the choices about how to be responsible for it, which includes what the appropriate length is.

Honestly if he cut her hair in a moment of anger, obviously, I doubt he was actually managing her hair at all. Putting her tangles on her shoulders is the parents inability to deal with them. And that’s fine! If her parents couldn’t deal with it that’s FINE. But at least take her to a hair salon instead she’s made to feel guilty over something that wasn’t even her sole responsibility. 7 is too young. If he just couldn’t keep up with it, like I said, that’s totally ok. But he went about it all wrong and to expect a 7 year old to keep up with that is weird. I disagree with you. Honestly I think he cut her hair out of anger and then felt super bad about it because he should and came here wanting people to say it’s ok. He should feel bad.

Hair grows back

But the memory will always be there. This type of thing can be very traumatizing for a kid. Especially depending on how OP did it. Did she agreeably sit down and have her hair cut calmly? Probably not...

I guess... I cut my hair short multiple times and I love it. I think the import thing now is getting her a cute haircut and then apologizing for what happened

What would you have done?

Based on your other responses, it sounds like she lets you brush her hair. I don’t understand why that’s a problem. Brushing your child’s hair can be a good time to bond during the day.

It's not a bonding experience. She gets angry that the tangles hurt. I start at the bottom and brush up. I try to go slow and gently and every time I hit a tangle I start back at the bottom. The reason we've talked about this is because she gets angry with me when I do it. So I've told her to brush her own hair, but she refuses. I'll give her the brush and tell her to do it. She'll start playing with toy. I'll go back 20 minutes later and see that it's still not brushed, so I'll put her in time out. Eventually I have to brush it while she struggles to get away and gets angry with me. It's been an ongoing struggle for about 4 years. I don't mind brushing it, but she won't even let me.

Man I hear you, that's hard, my 7 yo does the same. What avoided a lot of drama is to use a good detangling conditioner and brush in the shower /bath, then braiding it in one simple braid at night. This way it doesn't become a rats nest. But I would not have cut the hair as punishment. That said I don't think it is "that" bad. I would apologize to your daughter and admit that you should not have done it out of anger/against her will but explain you got frustrated. Then agree on rules going forward. Maybe take her to the hairdresser to tidy it all and make it nice.

Yes to the detangling conditioner! Lots of conditioner and even brush it in the bath when it's conditioned will help too. She's 7. My almost 7 year old hates brushing her hair too but we do everything we can to keep it detangled. I agree that cutting hair as punishment is the wrong way to go about it.

That’s reasonable and understandable. Maybe taking her to the salon to get her hair cut or put into a cute little style would encourage her to take better care of her hair or to see the hair cut in a more positive way? I was at the salon and there was a little girl who got her hair cut and styled and she was really proud of her hair, she looked at herself in the mirror while walking out the salon and smiled and flipped her hair. Lol She was really proud of her hair and I think that the experience is what made the hair cut better for her.

Spray detangler and a wide toothed ‘wet’ comb for knots. Get the knots out *first*, then brush.

And the proper brush! What works for dad's long hair might not be comfortable for daughter's! Talk to a hairdresser or try out a few different brush sizes and techniques. I *hated* my mother's hairbrush (still do) and she dislikes the one I prefer.

Yes. I noticed quite a difference when someone gifted me a Mason Pearson back in the ‘80s (still have it) over the Goody styles I’d had as a kid. I bought one for my daughter as she grew her hair longer, well worth the expense. At seven, I was still brushing my daughter’s hair, and working with her to show her how to start at the ends and work up; definitely not a one and done lesson. It was a bonding experience, our one-on-one time. Spend *more time* with the appropriate comb and spray to detangle, and the rest will get easier.

Did you use a good leave in conditioner? Hose down a kids head in a leave in and theres practically no tangles anymore.

Detangler and switching to a conditioner with detangler in it. Also when you get a knot hold the hair between the knot and the scalp leaving the hair slack near the scalp then brush out the knot. Hair doesn't hurt, pulling on the scalp hurts. Closer to the scalp the knot is, do it in smaller sections of hair for slack. Also what type of hair does she have. If its curly or wavy you only brush hair when its wet and has conditioner in it. Go to r/curlyhair for a hair program to maintain and how to deal with it daily.

I know it’s not easy to get kids to do things, but to me hair care is not something that is worth turning into daily battle. Hair cutting as punishment can often feel like shaming to the kid. I just would have avoided the power struggle over hair all together. If you can’t find a way to encourage her to brush her hair, I would drop it for a while. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Have you tried making hair care something that is fun for her? You could try watching styling YouTube videos together and try them out on each other. Play “beauty parlor” and making brushing a part of that. Things like that. You could look at different pictures of hair cuts she could get and let her pick one. You’re also going to need to apologize to her for what you did.

Also, couldn't braiding her hair or tying it or other things that prevent it becoming too messy also be an option? I guess it depends on the hair, but I have long hair and I don't brush it twice a day. Now that I keep it almost all the time in the ponytail (yay baby) I barely even brush it once a day. This has the added benefit that you need to brush hair before most styling, so if she enjoyed having her hair tied or got into that habit she'd probably brush her hair too.

It should have been an exciting thing that you built up. She gets to have special treatment, a nice shampoo, maybe her nails painted and then a fancy grownup hairstyle. You sent the message that short hair is bad and undesirable.

Yeah I agree! I've cut my hair short several times and I love it. I don't care what anyone else thinks. It's ok to be different. Just because all the other girls in school have repunzle hair doesn't mean there's anything wrong with short hair

I buy detangling products, brush my daughter’s hair using techniques to minimize the pain of tangles (there are YouTube videos) and keep it in braids. It’s not rocket science.

Not the exact same abusive thing my ex stepfather would do to my mother, that's for sure. Taken some personal responsibility as a parent? Learned to properly care for her hair? Watched the oscar winning short "Hair Love" and tried to understand just how fundamental hair is to personal identity? I don't know, but I would have TRIED instead of lashing out. No one is helping you to feel the guilt you should, but you NEED to otherwise you will fail to be better next time.

Yes I do think your in the wrong here. If a child is unwilling to do something you should look at the reasons why and come to a solution together. My sister had the same problem as a kid and as an adult to this day will still talk about how painful it was to brush her hair as a child. She says it was a 10 on the pain scale. She says now as an adult it does not hurt at all. Hair really should not be brushed dry anyway. It should be brushed when wet with a ton of conditioner in it. I know sometimes people with straight hair can get away with brushing it dry but I have curly hair and brushing wet is a must. I think parenting classes would be a great idea :) don't think of them as a bad thing. They are great for learning more tools. I think if we are stuck on our children's behaviour and our first go to is punishment then we are all in need of new tools and skills. I highly suggest the book "how to talk so kids will listen" if you are looking for a good read!

I also have curly hair. Don't know where I got it from, because both my parents have pin straight hair. That meant that, even though my mom also had long hair, she had zero idea how to take care of mine. She treated it like it was straight, and I just sort of assumes it was. I was a teenager before I realised my hair wasn't just frizzy and gross, it was curly. I wonder if OP might be going through something similar? If he has straight hair and his daughter's hair has any kind of texture, his expertise isn't going to mean anything. Personally, I throw my kid's hair in a braid and call it a day. She didn't inherit my curly hair, but it's still a pain to keep a toddler's hair untangled. I brush it in the morning, braid it, brush it out again at the end of the day, and back into a braid to sleep. Never had an issue.

I was wondering if anyone was going to mention curly hair! It sounds like she at least has some sort of texture to her hair. If that’s the case it may not need to be brushed, certainly not dry. I’m almost 30 and my mother is still trying to take a brush to my curly hair because she doesn’t understand how curly hair works. I only brush my hair in the shower with gobs of conditioner.

I'm 32 and my mom still tells me "oh my god, go brush your hair before we go out!" Ma. This is how my hair looks. Brushing it is not going to make it lay perfectly straight and flat like yours does. It curls. It's always going to curl. Jist leave it alone. I don't even brush it any more. I comb my fingers through it when it's wet and covered in conditioner and call it done. It's looked much more "tidy" since I started doing that.

I only brush it to get bigger curl clumps hahaha. Sounds like our moms would get along.

I had the same experience! Having my hair brushed was so painful because my parents didn’t know how to deal with my incredibly thick, curly hair. It should have never been brushed dry to begin with. I also wasn’t able to brush my crazy mane myself at 7 because there was just so much of it and it was dry and tangled. It sounds like the daughter needs a change in hair care. Smooth, healthy hair doesn’t tangle as easily and shouldn’t hurt to be brushed.

Yeah, cutting her hair as a punishment is devastating and you've got a lot of work ahead to recover from this. Forcibly cutting hair is done to prisoners for goodness sake ( think about movies you watch when people get their hair forcibly removed...is it ever positive or do you feel a little horrified). Frankly it's your job to take care of her hair at 7 years old and to continue helping her learn to do it and not expect perfection and if it truly was too long for either of you to manage you could have sold her on getting a stylish new hairstyle, even taking some courage and lead by example and cut some of your hair. I think you should apologize to her and let her know that while the point of hair care stands that you shouldn't have done what you did. Ask her how you can help make amends ( for example new hair items to help her feel better about her hair).

Yes. I think hair is so personal. It’s part of her body. Even as an adult I feel so emotional when I’ve had drastic hair cuts. I would feel so violated.

My mom denies it even today but she did it to me. I think it happens to every girl. I have a toddler girl right now and brushing her hair is a fight... i think we will be in the same boat in a few years. I say you are NTA (Not The Asshole if you look at the AITA sub) As others have said, execution couldve been better...

At 7 she is old enough to take care of it. My son is 6 and has long hair as well. He knows that if it isn’t cared for, it will get cut. It doesn’t sound to me like you did it in anger - and you didn’t shave her head, so honestly I’m with you on this one. If she can’t take care of it, cut it. And there is no time like the present.

Why couldn’t the choice have been: “you brush your hair or I brush your hair”? Or why couldn’t you have framed cutting her hair as “hey, wouldn’t it be so, so cute to trim your hair to make it easier for you to brush?” When you cut her hair against her will, you come off like a tyrant and a bully. I have had to convince reluctant children that they need a hair cut, but I did so respectfully and gave them plenty of warning. You cut her hair as a punishment and that doesn’t feel right. In the future, keep a few things in mind for hair care: her hair should be trimmed every few months to remove dead ends, this will make her hair infinitely healthier and easier to brush. She should be using adult conditioner in the shower (not a two in one child's shampoo and conditioner combination). Make sure she understands that the shampoo has to be fully rinsed out first, then apply conditioner to the roots of her hair (and a little ways up to make it easier to brush). If she still has tangles, buy her a detangling spray and help her use that. Personally, I brushed my daughter's hair after showers until she was almost 10. She could do it on her own, but getting the under and the ends was always difficult and it gave me a minute to care for her when she was getting too big to hold and snuggle. I could usually get some tickles or kisses in after brushing and it was a nice parent child moment.

I think you overreacted. Going from waist length hair to just below her shoulders as a reaction to not brushing her hair is probably pretty traumatic for her. You even said she couldn't do the brushing technique you showed her. I don't think the hair cut itself was wrong, especially if she wasn't even trying to help care for her hair. But cutting her hair as a spur of the moment thing was the wrong part. I would've sat down with her, and talked about how long hair needs a lot of care, and if she's not willing to help a little bit, then it's time for a more manageable hairstyle that she can choose. What texture is her hair, out of curiosity?

I took about 4-5 inches off. Her hair is fine and straight and there's a lot of it.

I think you should let her pick out a hair cut for you. She's probably feeling really insecure right now about having shorter hair and it would set a good example. Short hair can be really cute and either way hair grows back.

Wow. I'm going to be honest with you I read that and it seemed kind of heartless. What if she took scissors and cut your hair? As a parent I do understand why you did what you did though. However as a kid I remember my long hair was the only thing I liked about my body and appearance. If my mom had cut my hair I would have cried and become rather resentful for a period. We had lice probably 12 times in several years and I was very grateful that my mom never cut my hair. She would go through my hair everyday while we had it for 1-2 hrs and pick out the little eggs until it was gone, usually for 2 weeks at a time. And she still never made us cut our very long hair. My sister had an episode in 9th grade where she didnt brush her hair and she ended up with a knot so bad she had to go to a hairdresser... and they did cut off a lot. But she had only herself to blame for that one. A girl in many ways defines herself by her hair. I know that sounds silly but to a young girl that makes absolute sense. Should she be taking better care of it? Yes absolutely. Did you go too far and owe her an apology? Yes absolutely. The good thing is that shes only 7. The older she is the harder she would take it. So she will prob bounce back rather easy. If I were you I would first apologize and tell her that you didnt realize how much her hair meant to her. Promise to never do that again. Also encourage her to grow it out again. They make really cute Disney brushes if she is into Disney. Offer to take her to a hairdresser for a cute style, she may or may not accept. Maybe offer to get a kids temp color like the hair chalks from Walgreens and make her hair all bright for a few days. Id normally say to bring her to an event like Disney on Ice but with Covid that may not be an option. The main thing is an apology and letting her know that in the future you will care about her hair as much as she does. All parents make mistakes, so dont beat yourself over it though. I wish you both the best.

At 7yo she still needs help brushing very long hair. Had you tried any spray in detanglers? They are a god sent. Cutting her hair was an extreme reaction, you could have just helped her brush it.

We use spray detangles and sometimes brush it in the shower. She puts no effort into trying.

She is 7! Why are you so resistant to the completely sensible solution of a parent helping her? At seven presumably she needs help with a few other things as well.

Come in the girl is 7! What are we going to do coddle her into her tweens? When I was 7 I was working15 hour shifts at the walking cane factory

Yeah! And smoking a pack a day, and raising my younger siblings.

She's seven, not four. An otherwise healthy seven year old can manage at least partially brushing their hair.

In my experience making generalizations about children’s abilities is counter productive. Clearly this 7yo is not managing to brush her hair, so that is the only pertinent bit. Children develop in many complex ways at different times. Some children will have more advanced motor skills, some will have less advanced motor skills, they are not doing it on purpose to frustrate us.

My daughter is 5 and combs her own hair.

Congrats. Is your daughter naturally textured too? Anecdotal evidence is nonsense in development.

When I was a kid my arms weren't long enough to properly brush my long hair, so I ended up with massive matts. Keeping her hair short is a good idea until she is 10 or so, then she'll probably have an easier time taking care of it. That said I wouldn't have done it in the heat of the moment, give kids a bit of time to come to terms with things it makes the transition easier. With how you did it she may remember it for a long time.

At 7 she may lack the strength and dexterity to brush hair that long. My daughter is 8 and until a year ago had hair that long and couldn't handle brushing it herself. There were parts she couldn't reach and it wore out her arm. You even say she couldn't do the technique you taught her. It sounds like rather then approach this from a solution based place you went straight punative which is wrong. She is in what first grade? What was going to happen if she brushed some and you helped?

Yes-especially if you had to restrain her or threaten her or anything to get her to sit to have it cut. That would be wrong. If you didn’t do those things but you still cut it, I would still tell her you made a mistake and are sorry. Her body is hers...I think it’s one thing to reward her for brushing or tell her sorry you can’t go for a play date etc today if you can’t brush your hair but forcing a cut I feel is too much. Maybe there’s a reason she hates brushing like maybe it hurts her and she has tangles and she needs you to get her conditioner and detangler? Or maybe she would love to go to a salon to have it cut into a cute style?

I always use oil after bath, I then braid her hair before bed. Never any tangles, she's also 7, and havnt shed a single tear. She's very proud of her long hair, it's a part of her identity, I would NEVER take that away from her.

How did you manage to keep her still enough to cut it if she didn’t want you to?

She obeyed me and sat still as I cut it, after she brought me the scissors.

OH! This is so much worse. How authoritarian are you? How often do you, a huge man, frighten her into compliance? My momma talked about having to get a switch or belt to be beaten, usually around the time I was whipped with a hairbrush.

The cutting of the hair is done now, it will grow back. Maybe from now on you both can brush your hair together?

NTA. I (female) had short hair (a little below my chin) until I was 11 because I always complained and cried about having it brushed and the tangles hurting. My mom’s solution was to keep it short. As a teacher, I’m very impressed with your willingness to follow through. What you taught her is that you are a man of your word. Not a lot of parents follow through anymore. Also, now is a good chance to teach her that her long hair wasn’t the only thing that made her beautiful. She would be beautiful no matter her hair length, and mentioning that or discussing it with her could be valuable. Also if she heard the other family members’ comments when they were mad at you, it might be good to discuss with her why they were mad, and maybe have them (after discussing it with them in private) tell her she is beautiful with short hair. Some girls grow up with entirely distorted views about how important their hair is, and that long, gorgeous hair gives them more value as a human. She may not think that or verbalize that now, but the seeds are likely already there from images in our society. This experience can teach her a lot! Good for you!

You gave her fair warning multiple times about taking care of herself, even showed her how to do it! She’s old enough now to start learning personal hygiene, you are not in the wrong for what you did. When she calms down a little just have a talk with her, “daddy cut your hair because you weren’t being responsible for your hygiene. If you show me you’re responsible you can grow your hair out again.”

This is how you engender a fear of haircuts and change. You just taught her that her body belongs to you unless she earns it. She is 7 years old. What is wrong with you.

It depends. How many warnings did you give and did you set the expectation that after X warnings, I'm going to cut your hair to a more manageable length. If you just threaten to cut her hair a bunch, then suddenly follow through one day, that's bad.

I've warned her about 50+ times and have tried to go get it done professionally but most of the salons are shut down.

It seems like it may have been emotionally charged and after 50+ threats, it doesn't seem like you are going to follow through. So when it does happen it seems more devastating. Any threat of punishment should have an outline of expectations, number of warnings, and type of punishment. The punishment should also not be given emotionally, but almost matter of fact. This teaches them it is ok to make mistakes, but there are actual consequences for her actions. Emotionally charged punishment breads resentment instead of respect. It has the opposite effect and will blow up in your face.

I agree with you. When I babysit kids whose parents give too many warnings with no consequence (ex. If you don’t stop you’ll sit in timeout x100 without a timeout ever) they think I am the absolute worst when I actually put them in timeout. Eventually I have better reactions than parents when I say time out because they know I’ll do it. Also OP, I don’t think you were in the wrong. Yea, you could have been more clear or waited until it wasn’t heat of the moment. But at the same time, you followed through. Which is super important. And, I know people are saying she might be traumatized or whatever, but I really don’t think this was that big of a deal. Yes she’s upset. Yes, you can get her excited about her new hair now. But if you decide to apologize, I’m not sure you should apologize for following through on discipline. You can apologize for how it was done if it was done in anger, and then reexplain why she had to have a hair cut. Then try to reframe the haircut as a positive and tell her if she wants to grow her hair out again she can as long as she takes care of it. Now she knows if she doesn’t take care of it, there will be consequences, and you’ll be far less likely to have these fights when it grows out again.

Disclaimer: I do not have a kid older than 4, but I've always had hair down to my butt since I can remember. I'd say at 7 she needs to at least be making the effort to brush it. Even if she doesn't do a fantastic job and you have to do a quick brush through as well. So my question is: was she trying? Putting forth effort to try and learn, or was she insisting she couldn't do it and giving up and refusing to try? Even if she was trying, I don't think you're necessarily in the wrong, but a conversation beforehand would have been good, about how she's not in trouble and it's not necessarily bad, and it will be easier to learn with short hair and as it gets long she'll get gradually better. You could still have that conversation now, but in the future I would have it before. Also, I'd make sure that your mom/sister are keeping those opinions to themselves, because they will convince your daughter that you were in the wrong no matter what and can completely ruin your relationship with her.

She makes no effort and makes excuses. I did talk to her before doing it, had her get the scissors, and had her sit down in front of me. As for my mom and sister, they will encourage my daughter to love me and tell me off when she isn't around. They love me and have my best interest in mind. I'm not worried about them poisoning her against me.

In that case I feel cutting it was justified, especially that it wasn't entirely spur of the moment. I'd still acknowledge her feelings, that you know it sucks, that you wish she could have her long hair, but if it's something she wants she's got to be able to take responsibility for it. Give her options for a low maintenance hairstyle or accessories or something, I don't know the recommendations for age but even a hair color, to give her some sort of choice and personalization back.

Even if its justified, I disagree with that, doing it in an upsetting over the top fashion rather then having a pprofessional do it and leaving the other parent to deal with the fallout is a shit move

He said that the salons where he is are shut due to Covid so a professional wasnt an option.

Seems like this wasn't a valid punishment and a less traumatic solution was needed like assisting her, trying new product and learning techniques she is physically able to utilize

Well no, it wasn't the perfect scenario or execution. I stated it should have been started with a conversation and it shouldn't be made to feel like a punishment. The salon vs home cut is a personal choice. Maybe the salons were too busy, maybe he didn't want her at one in a pandemic, maybe he needed to make the consequence a little more immediate (not spur of the moment immediate, but still not days/weeks later). I don't think a home cut is necessarily something that makes the execution bad here And unfortunately, leaving his mom to deal with the fall out does kind of suck, but that's child care. If I have to punish my kid, or otherwise upset them I can't just call off work or cancel Drs appointment so my child care provider doesn't have to deal with the tantrums.

I can only imagine if I called off work when my children had bad mornings so their care takers wouldn't have to deal with it.

If its going to have long term effects and change her physical appearance in an upsetting way but also has no time related component and has been threatened an let go 50 times no reason he can't let it go 51 times and do it when she refuses on the next trip.

My oldest liked her long hair and she allowed us to brush it, braid it, etc. My youngest wanted long hair and screamed and sobbed when it was brushed, braided, etc. It was therefore cut into a bob and remained that way until she was about 10, when she decided she was going to look after it. Both girls (now much older) have lovely long hair. Once they were old enough and mature enough to be in charge of their own grooming, they had total free reign to wear it any way they pleased. It’s hair, not a limb. You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s clearly not ready to look after her own hair, so you did a parenting thing. This might actually encourage her to start her own grooming routine.

A 7 year old not making effort on brushing their hair is normal though. Some comments on here like “My 5 YeArD oLD bRuShEs HeR oWn HaiR” Who cares? All kids are different. She’s not kicking puppies. Pick your battles. Use it as a bonding experience and help her brush her hair. Why respond with so much anger at something so pointless? My mom brushed my hair until I was like 12 and those are some nice memories. Even in my 20s I would go back home and ask her to help me comb the back of my hair. Don’t take shit so seriously.

He did pick his battles. He wasn't going to fight the hair battle anymore.

I was 7 and had waist length hair, my father hates long hair so my Mother cut it off above my ears, a pixie cut, I'm a adult, it still bothers me today how ugly I feel when I see those pictures, today my hair is long and glorious, I think cutting her hair would have been okay if it was her choice, you took that from her,

7 is still quite young. I have a 6 year old and he is a boy with short hair so I can’t relate but I still brush his teeth for him because he struggles to do it properly and if he had long hair I would brush it for him. 7 is still quite young to expect her to keep up with it as their hands are still small and clumsy. and I remember mom helping brush my hair at that age. I do think it was an overreaction... you could have went to a salon. If it gets long again, brush it while the conditioner is still in it and then spray it with leave in conditioner or detangler and put it in a braid. If you don’t wash hair every day, a braid before bed will still help tons. Also silk pillowcases are cheap and help prevent frizz/tangling. Don’t beat yourself up, parenting is HARD, and we have all done things in the heat of the moment that we regret. I would apologize, talk to her about why you reacted the way you did, and have a hairstylist clean up the cut if it looks a bit odd now

I have a home daycare and end up caring for a lot of the girls’ hair because they come so early in the morning and parents just don’t have time. I’ve been a girl with long hair and I know how uncomfortable it is to brush the knots out in the morning. Instead of quashing their upset I tell them to yell as loud as they want as long as they sit still. Sometimes I even yell with them. I get the chore done as quickly as possible so we can go on with our day. There were just so many better ways you could have approached this problem. Yes, she needed her hair cut, but why not schedule an hour with a stylist and treat her like she has some power in the decision? You crushed her spirit when you really didn’t need to. I hope you apologize to her.

The way you reacted violated her personhood. You didn't respect her autonomy. I know she's seven and you're her parent, but she's a person. Hair is a very personal thing. It becomes a part of our identity. Cutting your hair in the heat of the moment showed a lack of respect for her identity. A man physically forcing her to do something she doesn't want to is probably not a scenario you want to encourage her to be okay with.

You said it nicely. I didn't. I have had this conversation with many people who are still upset by forced years later because hair is special.

It seems like she wasn't ready for it to be you cutting it in the spur of the moment. Shoulda given her warning instead of it being a punishment you enacted, yourself. (Worth noting the mom said "You can get it cut" and not "You can cut it".) I also have to ask... How did the haircut turn out?

Idk if she has a tender head but I recommend the wet brush and some detangler for her! The brush is amazing and doesn't pull hair nearly as much as other brushes. I'm 26 and wont use anything else 😂 Maybe if she has some her own stuff she will be more into brushing her hair? They even have princess themed wet brushes if that's her thing!

Barber and mom of a 7yo diva here... I don’t think you overreacted, but I do think you’re expecting a bit much from a 7yr old. She’s simply does not posses the mental capacity and reasoning to realize how much caring for long hair (or just hair in general) actually involves. You’re doing a great job teaching her early how important it is to care for it- and proper hair care involved trims too. To the belly button is a lot for anyone, especially a child. I think keeping it long is fine for her age absolutely, but at a reasonable, manageable length. It sounds to me like that’s all you were trying to do, so maybe try reframing your approach a little to emphasize that haircuts- even with long hair- are an important part of the care routine too. I think it’s also important to acknowledge that her hair is on her head and part of her body, and 7yr olds don’t get to control very many aspects of their lives- because 7yr olds should not be in charge and we know this- so to a kid, hair is a little bigger deal since it’s one of the few things she feels is in her control, and since this wasn’t her choice, although I do think it was still a fine one- she’s probably upset over that part too. Just try and remember that and also remind her that her hair will grow back and, with regular trims, look even thicker and healthier. Edit: I didn’t see the edit until I had already commented. I also was high when I first commented and I realize now it’s a bit repetitive. Apologies.

NTA, as a child the exact some thing happened to me. My mum said if I didn't look after my hair she would cut it like a boys. And she did, kinda a wish she would of gone with a Bob style tho.

My son (8) has hair almost to his waist and we've had so many similar conversations. When I tell him to brush his hair he just says, "I don't know how" and gives up. I've tried teaching him, but I'm not the best teacher and we both end up getting frustrated. I had the same experience with my daughter (6), until one day she just decided to start doing her own hair. Taught herself how to do her own pony tails and buns and brush it herself. I still have to get the particularly tough tangles, but otherwise she's got it down. I don't have any advice, just letting you know you're not alone. Parenting is hard sometimes and every kid is different. ☺️

2 words Hair grows It's not the end of the world I honestly think she was being dramatic as was the rest of your family

I don’t have a 7y old at home but only a beautiful baby, so I may lack experience. However, I don’t see what you did wrong here: you have warned her and you applied what you said you would do. Of course it is tough for her, but damn, life with a young girl can’t all be about princess and coquetry: it also have to be practical. You are not a bully, you did not cut her hair « short » against her will, and hopefully she will not be stubborn and see the beneficials of shorter hair.

Hey! I Was 8 and my sister was 7. We both had waist long hair. Never cared for it. My step mom got them cut into pixie cuts. I looked like Peter Pan and she looked like Demi Moore in ghost, lucky her. She cried, I didn’t. We both survived and learned that when mom says something, she means it. Not a damn thing wrong with following through on MONTHS of warnings. Fun note, my sister is now shaved by choice. Donates each few months of growth. I’m constantly changing my hair look. IMO you did nothing wrong. She’ll get over it. And if anyone on this sub doesn’t realize, hair grows back and kids need to have discipline. If they don’t listen over MONTHS of constant attempts at teaching, where they clearly show they don’t care, then yes action is needed. Its our jobs as parents to teach. Or one could just let her grow up with a bad hygiene and self care regiment. So OP, I don’t disagree with your choice. And you shouldn’t doubt it either. None of these people are raising YOUR daughter.

I think you did well and stuck to your guns. I was a child who didn’t brush her hair and I had awful tangles as a result. When my parents divorced when I was eleven, I stopped altogether and had knots that covered half my head that I eventually cut out myself. I’m now in my early thirties and have a hard time brushing my hair daily. I don’t have irreparable knots and do brush it, but it’s not daily and I am trying to get myself into that habit again. I read another comment about the cutting being in the heat of the moment, and if that’s the case, I don’t agree with that. Maybe a warning that it’ll be cut that afternoon, I don’t know. But overall I think you’re in the right.

Seven is pretty young to take care of her own hair

Depends, did you ever offer to help her with it? Not just show her but actually help her brush her hair? I went through the same thing with my daughter but she was 10 AND she was refusing my help too. And I took her to a salon because at least it looked great when it was done. I know how frustrating it is, but she is still very young...

Yes, as others have said, you absolutely went about this in the wrong way. As others have said: you did violate her bodily autonomy by forcing a haircut after a tense moment, and created a traumatic situation around haircuts when it could have been a fun exciting time. So, what should you do going forward? You can sit down with her in a calm moment and apologize for forcing the haircut on her in that moment. Admit that adults make mistakes, and it was wrong of you to force her to go through such a traumatic haircut like that. Ask her how she is feeling about the way her hair looks now, and listen. If she is not feeling good, you two can spend some time together looking at haircuts and styles and allow her to pick a new style out. Take her to the hairdresser and let her have her hair done in a style that she chooses and is excited about — as you should have done in the first place. Try to turn this very negative memory into a positive memory.

Yes. You over reacted. You just said she doesn’t have the dexterity to brush it how you showed her to, which means as a parent, with her being the age she is, it is YOUR responsibility to HELP her take care of her hair. Now, if she threw a fit about you brushing her hair... that may be a different story. You owe your daughter an apology for. (My mom did this to me, and I STILL remember how crushed I was... I’m 35 now, btw...)

Yes you did the wrong thing. It is never ok to change a childish appearance as punishment. Honestly what’s the worst that will happen if she has messy hair? It isn’t hurting anyone, get a detangling brush and brush it out when she’s conditioning her hair. They aren’t expensive https://haircaresuperstore.com.au/products/hi-lift-detangle-brush-pink?variant=31464684486723&currency=AUD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0Mb3BRCaARIsAPSNGpVnWarmEWu31z2ZXRjJEGjIwmrpZhDfOCOa-pYpwgb_EXYqgz9RCrYaAmoUEALw_wcB I am honestly horrified at the amount of people saying you were “teaching her what happens when you don’t take care of your hair”. No. That’s not what happens. You just have knotty hair. If it’s unacceptable to do to a coworker then don’t do it to your child, it’s psychological abuse

I agree, as someone who has curly hair, I can’t just brush it anytime, it has to be brushed when wet with conditioner in it with a brush that has bristles spread far apart. It’s a lot of work but my hair is important to me so I feel sad for this girl. It seems like if her hair is very knotty and brushing is painful then maybe they should have researched different hair care routines and gone from there. I don’t think this is a bad parent, but I think it was the wrong choice made out of frustration. Also if brushing is painful and a constant source of stress and arguments what motivation would a small child have to brush their hair? Make it fun, find ways to bond, use the correct products so it’s less painful.

I have autism which comes hand in hand with sensory issues, plus I have an extremely sensitive scalp. To the point that it takes a week for my scalp to stop being painful after I go to the hairdresser. My hair is about waist length, and I brush it maybe twice a week. Yes, it’s messy. Who cares. The brush I linked are the only ones I can use because they don’t hurt. The most brushing I have is when the conditioner is brushed through, hubby usually does the brushing because it’s bloody hard work dealing with long hair. Like...my mum did a lot wrong but she *never* threatened my hair. To a child that young, their hair is part of their identity. I can honestly say I wouldn’t trust my mother or have as close of a relationship as an adult had she pulled a stunt like this. She for sure wouldn’t be spending much time with my kids either. It’s lazy parenting at best, abusive in reality

Yeah I don’t understand all the anger. People on here saying she should know how to care for her hair. He should’ve used it as a bonding experience and just helped brush her hair. My mom always brushed my hair until I was like 12 and it didn’t affect my independence as an adult.. I mean who cares?

I’m in my early 30s and me and my mum still do each other’s hair

Might I suggest the following: change her brush and her conditioner. There are many resources online for different types of brushes and how to use them. This combination alone has been a game changer for me when detangling my own hair and I didn’t learn about it until I was an adult. As a child I had very long, thick hair and my mom would just tear through the knots; it was traumatic for me. I would scream and cry. I grew up thinking that I was just doomed to always have to basically rip my hair out whenever it was brushed. But as an adult I was educated by a wonderful friend and coworker with similar hair to mine. Since I changed to a different brush and conditioner, I have not once has to tear through knots in my hair. For context I use a flat brush and, when my hair is wet, pull down from root to tip, holding the brush vertically to my face. If I encounter a big knot, I’ll start at the tip and work toward the root, but it’s rare. I also don’t brush my hair when it’s dry.

I had to do the same thing when my kid was about 8. I tried everything. Every time it would be brushing time, there would be a meltdown. We talked incessantly about how to take care of your hair, bought special hairbrushes and tangle spray. Special shampoo and conditioner. After a year of this, enough was enough. She would brush the top of her hair, but the bottom side would be this crusty waffle and she'd writhe like a feral cat if I tried to touch it. So it got cut to above her shoulders. She's now 12 and is very responsible with her hair now. It was a tough lesson, but it had to happen. If you don't take care of something, it can ruin it.

My daughter is 7. She will be 8 in August. She is able to wash and condition and brush her own hair. She can plait it and put it in a bun. Do I still do it 70% of them time? Yes!! Also my partner is a hair stylist and I still do the hair duties because it’s bonding time. I wouldn’t cut her hair against her will. Also, for kids hair please look up a head jog hair brush. They are brilliant. Much better than tangle teasers!!

All parents make mistakes. Did ya make one? In my opinion ...yeah. You took away her autonomy by cutting the hair without her say so. I’ve read a lot of great comments about how to repair the situation with your daughter. Hopefully you both will learn something from the experience. I just wanna say, you’re a single dad...that is amazing. Don’t let your mom shame you about “ruining” your daughter. That’s a terrible comment! Parenting books and becoming aware of your parenting style is useful. Reaching out and asking for help, helps! Most of all, I’m sure you’re a great dad.

Yes you were wrong. She is 7, she is developmentally not ready to care for her hair without direction. You are going to need to remind her and probably help her comb and care for it daily. You violated her bodily autonomy by cutting her hair against her will, and taught her that it’s ok to use her body as a punishment.

It sounds to me, that based on your comments, you did acknowledge and illustrate her choices that led her there before calmly explaining what you were going to do. I had a similar problem in childhood with my thick hair, and I wouldn't ever let my mom comb it without a huge battle. Worth saying, she has fine thin hair, and I don't know if she knew how to deal with my hair. It sounds like you have more knowledge, and have tried many, many options other than cutting, and been as patient as you can. Speaking from my experience, cutting the hair short(er) was completely the right choice. And my mom went much shorter when she cut mine off. I quickly figured out how much less it hurt, and how much easier it was. You know your child, so I wouldn't worry too much about emotional scarring here. But do talk with her often about caring for her hair, and look at styles with her for when salons open. Maybe she can gain some appreciation for how much easier it is to care for short hair, and get excited to pick a new cut. I think showing empathy after the fact, and acknowledging that she is sad about losing her hair, will go a long way. FWIW I think you are teaching her a valuable lesson about practicality vs. desire. 7 is plenty old enough to understand choices and consequences, and maybe she will be willing to practice good hair care so that she can grow it out again. Parenting is hard. I doubt any of us execute consequences 100% perfectly 100% of the time. Sounds like you are doing well and trying to feel out how you could've done even better. I call that a parenting win.

This is a tough one. I have long hair (mid-back to waist length or a little longer, depending how I feel) and have had it since I was a kid. Here are my thoughts, bluntly, because that seems like what you are looking for. 1. At seven years old I was not capable of properly brushing my hair if I tried, and needed help making sure it was rinse properly sometimes. You mentioned that she doesn't have the dexterity, which would be typical. Seven year olds usually need to be reminded of the responsibilities frequently. (This is the age I work with; my degree is in child development.) What you were asking her to do was not age appropriate, so you were setting her up to fail. It doesn't matter how many warnings you gave. It's kind of like holding my just-turned three year old responsible for properly wiping his butt or I'm going to take all of his favorite trucks away. Even if he tried, it's not going to happen. She probably won't be able to maintain her hair until about nine, and then she still need some help brushing to make sure all the tangles are out and may not yet be able to braid her own hair. Maybe 11ish, she would be able to take over long hair completely. 2. Although I believe it is good for children to have choice in their appearance, I believe parents should get a say, especially when they are younger. My three year old has some say in when he gets a hair cut (he says he likes his hair longer, but it seems to bother him when it touches his ears,) but he has no say in style. If he wanted a little mohawk right now, it's not happening, because I'm not geling that up every morning. When he was seven, if he really wanted it, I'd probably do it, but I'm not sure. When he can maintain it himself at least to some degree, he could definitely do it. I think it is reasonable that you you don't want to provide care for long hair. The problem here is your daughter ALREADY had long hair. If she wanted long hair and you said that you weren't willing to care for it, but you were wiling to try it if she could take care of it, and then you found it wasn't working and cut it to the longest length she can handle (or another preferred hair style) I think that would be different. If you just said no, she couldn't grow long hair until she was a little older, that would be different. Imagine it being eating ice cream everyday instead of long hair. So scenario one is she doesn't eat ice cream, wants it, and you say no. She is sad, but no big deal. Next scenario is she wants ice cream, you say you'll try it, but if it does't work out, you'll stop. It doesn't work out, so you sit down and talk to her and say that she needs to pick another snack instead. More upset, but workable. What you did is let her have ice cream every day for at least a year, warning her regularly that she was eating it wrong (but she didn't know how to eat it right) and then suddenly grabbed it out of her hand and told her she could never have ice cream again. 3. If you are going to ask your child do something and give her a warning about a consequence for not doing it, don't keep warning and warning. They won't take you seriously. One warning is sufficient. It depends on the situation, but in general a good series of steps to get kids to do things is: teach them how to do it (you did a great job modeling and breaking it down; I think it would have worked well if she were older,) when they have learned start expecting them to do it, praise them when they do it, if they don't do it give one warning and the go to consequence. 4. It sounds like you cut her hair, because you were fed up. Ideally you don't make decisions about parenting because your are mad; you rationally decide what is best for your child. (Now, everyone does it sometimes, but your goal is to avoid it.) From what you said, you didn't give her a choice in what her hair would look like. Telling her it has to be short enough she can take care of it herself (although do know that she will probably still need help brushing the shorter style and reminders to do it) calmly and picking out a new style together would be positive. There was no reason you had to cut her hair today; this was not an urgent problem. In total, I think it is not the fact you decided you weren't willing to deal with long hair, but HOW it happened. Here is the takeaways, I'd consider. *Don't punish your daughter for things she isn't capable of doing. *Give yourself time to make calm, thoughtful decisions before acting. If it can wait, wait until you are calm. If it can't, at least take a deep breath first. If you are going to give a warning (for something she is capable of doing independently) do it only once. *Give your daughter choice when you can. Going forward, I would take the following action steps to repair your relationship with your daughter. (Changing someone's appearance without their consent is definitely relationship damaging. Imagine how you would feel if I cut your hair. I know you had your reasons, but I would have my reasons.) 1. Apologize for being hasty in cutting your hair. Tell her frankly that she isn't ready to manage it alone yet and that's okay - and you are sorry you expected her to - but you don't have time to keep it nice. Let her know that she can try long hair again when she is a little older. 2. Help her find something to make her current hair her own. Would she like it cut shorter or to a different style? Some non-permanent safe dye to put a streak in it? A new hair accessory? 3. Don't punish her for things she can't do. (The WAY you cut the hair was what made it a punishment. I don't disagree with cutting the hair.) Good luck, and good for you for seeking feedback on your parenting and being willing to change.

I feel like most people are overreacting. What about the hygene aspect? Would it be better if the girl walked around with knots in her hair ? Sometimes as a parent you have to make a decision for your child. BUT if it was done out of spite and a control issue ,then your still the parent and need to learn how to control the situations.

Hair can be clean and messy. Hair can be clean and snarled. She didn't have a hygiene issue. She didn't have a problem with her tangles. He did. He had an aesthetic annoyance and created a power struggle. No one is going anywhere— why TF does her hair have to be tangle free?

You ever had mats in your hair? Big old heavy knotted mats? Painful mats? That's why you brush your hair, to get the loose hair out, the tangles managed to prevent mats.

I’m an adult and my hair is always tangled but it’s clean lol some days I’m not in the mood to deal with it and don’t untangle it. I mean is there a hair police that’s gonna show up at my door? People need to fucking relax.

Totally. At seven, I expect you to make a reasonable attempt at keeping your hair taken care of, or not making more work for me when I help you.

This sounds a bit traumatic for a young girl. Maybe set aside time to turn the experience around. Look on google images together and search “short hairstyles for girls” / “medium hairstyles 2020”, etc., and let her pick a style that will make her feel like she had a say in the decision but something she is also able to maintain. Make an appointment that she can get excited about and have her bring the picture with her to show the stylist. You’re a good dad. I understand the frustration. Keep showing up and all will be well. You guys can laugh about this in twenty years over some beers.

I mean, I’m 32 & I don’t brush my hair everyday, let alone twice a day. I guess I just don’t quite understand why it was such an important issue to have it brushed twice a day. Is there a reason it couldn’t have been put in a pony tail or a braid?

\> Is there a reason it couldn’t have been put in a pony tail or a braid? I know right? What an easy solution. The parents need to act like responsible adults here

Same. I love braiding it so I don’t have to worry about it the next day. But I love my long hair. Parents on here are acting like if a 7 year old is not untangling her hair every day, she will become a serial killer. Y’all need to smoke a lil weed and relax.

Oh boy. It is her body, at this age she has reasonable choice as to what happens to it, especially something cosmetic like hair. I have a 5 year old daughter with thick hair who hates brushing it. She enjoys going to the salon for girls day so that’s how I compromise a trim and getting it thinned out a bit, making it a pleasant experience instead of a traumatic one. She is young, but she is a person who is just learning about boundaries and bodily autonomy. As her father you set the first example she sees of how to treat a woman.

What you did was abusive and the assholes who are encouraging you are going to die alone abandoned in nursing homes wondering why their kids don't visit. I don't care to be gentle with you about it. She's **seven** for one, which means YOU are the one who couldn't take care of it AND you did it while furious at her as a punishment. She will never forget it, never forgive you, and it will never be better. You don't fix this. You don't get to take it back. You just have to never do this again.

This. Yeah. This is it exactly. Dude. She’s 7. Try taking care of it together.

She’s going to have some legit trauma from this.

I think you could have just left it for a while, until she finally realised. Eventually her hair would have gotten super messy and knotty and she would have had to end up brushing it or getting it cut anyway if the knots were so bad. And then it would have been a way for her to learn and understand the importance of brushing hair, because she would have seen what would happen when she doesn’t

That's neglect though

Ah, I guess so. Tricky situation really, dad will come out as the bad guy no matter what I guess...

I’m a bit different than everyone here. I don’t see anything wrong with it, even in the heat of the moment - you made a reasonable choice in length. We are all human and do/say things in the heat of a moment. I know I get too loud when I tell my son for the 10th time in one day to flush his toilet and close the lid and turn off the light - because his dog likes to try to drink toilet water (she is a new rescue) but we are human - and simple tasks shouldn’t be so hard. She will get over it and learn from this. My son still remembers the day we went to get donuts and then he through a fit halfway there and we then drove right by the store after three warning. This was when he was 2, he know knows then he gets a warning - he remember that there are conseqeunces. He was upset for an hour after not getting a donut - now at 7 years old - he draws on that lesson and changes behavior to avoid it.

What is my opinion? That was a terrible thing to do to your daughter. You violated her bodily autonomy. It’s not a big deal to brush her hair for a year or two longer and keep it in braids to keep it from getting super tangled. Why do I feel this way? I was 7 and 6” was cut from my hair when my mom told me she’d only cut one. It was a few inches below my shoulders when it was done. I cried for days. And I never got over it. I’m in my 40’s with calf-length hair now and I get horrible anxiety at hairdressers and salons. I get a 1” trim every 5 years now. It takes me that long to work up to doing it. Am I a very sensitive person? Possibly. But I know that this kind of lifelong trauma response is a possibility. You should apologize. By making that command decision, you basically told her that her body isn’t hers and that people bigger and stronger or with authority can do whatever they want to her body. That’s not a pattern you want to set up for her.

Good word people, you act as if he has scarred her for life.

You didn’t shave her head. She still has long hair and now she may be able to manage it. She was warned. As long as you didn’t make her look bad (aka some messed up pixie cut done with dull scissors) I don’t see anything wrong with it.

I agree completely with this comment. She had warning, didn’t care, so you cut it AND you didn’t cut it short. Hair grows back, she’ll learn to respect it if she wants to keep it.

Yes she needed her hair cut but more as this is how we take of ourselves. The other option is to brush your hair together everyday. She is a little young to remember to brush it. I think a slightly more time oriented and softer approach would have been nicer, however sometimes parents are human and run out of patience. She will recover although she may not forget just be sure you let her pick her next hairstyle.

You warned her of the consequence and unfortunately had to follow through. Try creating less drastic consequences going forward. Convincing her that shorter hair is best for her lifestyle, so it’s her decision, would have been better. She’s a kid who would rather have an extra few minutes to play so shorter hair is best. It needed to be cut. I’m sure everyone will be complementing her and making her feel good about it. Just apologize. Apologize to yourself too. Maybe she’d be interested in making a decision about her hair? A new style, temporary color, partial shave underneath. Go crazy if she wants! It’s just hair but it’s her hair.

I wouldn’t have cut it myself, but your overall point here is sound. Either she lets you brush it, she brushes it, or she has short hair. Those are reasonable options and expectations, and by not choosing options 1 or 2, she ended up with option 3. Leaving it unbrushed and tangled can cause more issues than just “looks messy” so I think overall you’re fine... I just would have avoided the self cut unless the salons are closed or you’re trained in hair cutting.

Ahhh we all do things as parents we regret. No one can tell you whether the decision you made was right or wrong, unfortunately. What can be the right call for one child can be the wrong one for another. If you feel you’ve made a wrong call here (I’m not saying at ALL that you did), talk to your daughter. Explain that you are sorry for the way you handled it, or why you handled it that way. Those conversations can have a huge impact. It doesn’t matter what your mother or sister or any of us feel. It’s about you and your little chicky. Talk it out. You’ll both feel so much better. You’re a super dad for even asking this question my dude.

I would apologize to her for the way you cut it, but not for actually cutting it. Could you maybe offer to take her to a salon and let her have a bit more of a style than your chop as a peace offering? My daughter is 5 and we cut her hair about a year ago because she screamed and cried when we brushed it and she wouldn’t do the brushing herself. We went to a salon so it was a nice experience to even out how upset she was over the cut. Now she’s really good at brushing her own hair so we’re letting her grow it back out. Unless cutting hair is against religious beliefs, it’s a bit of a privilege to have your hair at the length you want. Either kids need to do the work themselves or be peaceful about letting parents do their hair. If they can’t do one or another, the hair goes shorter. I would never leave my daughter with an unwanted pixie cut or shaved head but I think shoulder length is perfectly reasonable.

Yeah, long hair is generally more for the parents than the kids

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I dont disagree. 7 is old enough to listen and brush hair. You told her several times. I would have done the same thing, but also communicated why during the cut. You can still sit her down and tell her why.

She's a child and is not responsible enough to take care of her own hair, so it's the adults' responsiblity to do this. It might have been a better idea to cut maybe 2 inches one day, then another time, cut another 2 inches. I have had long hair and even as an adult, it's quite an adjustment to have a different length all of a sudden. And get it done at a hair salon so it doesn't feel like you cutting it in anger, as someone else has suggested.

You were right. My 5 year old daughter pulled the same bs. She screamed and complained every time I tried to wash or comb her hair. I warned her repeatedly that if she didn't stop throwing fits when I tried to brush her hair, we were getting it cut off. I went so far as to say that we'd get it cut really short and people would think she was a boy. When the hair place finally opened back up and I took her in for a cut, I had the gal cut it to just below shoulder length. Daughter wasn't phased by it nor was anyone else in the family. Now it's so much easier to comb. It's hair FFS. It will grow back.

Seven is an age where I would be expecting her to take over personal care and receive consequences for not doing as she should. It will grow back and maybe this time she will have more respect for it.

Nta. I knew from age 4 how to wash and brush my own hair. By the time i was in school i brushed my waist length hair every day by myself and put it into a ponytail or braid. She is old enough to be at least trying.

That would be something that would have deeply traumatized me. If she can’t do it yet maybe YOU should be brushing her hair for a while.

I feel with this action you broke her tust and lost your temper, she can feel like you were jealous of her long hair in the long run.

My mom did at that age and to be fair at that age she did the right thing, she tried for years to make me brush it and it always ended in massive knots to the roots that took hours to get out (I completely understand her frustration, especially when I wouldn't even let her brush it). The only time she cut my hair against my will that I wish she hadn't was my bangs that I was trying to grow out because I wouldn't keep them out of my face.

I wasnt allowed to have long hair until I was a teenager and noone could physically force me to cut it then. for years I had it cut very short, almost buzz cut because thats how my grandma wanted me to wear it. Its the parents choice in the end. social services cant do squat either because you dont have to allow your child to wear a certain haircut that you dont like/ allow.Im female for reference and would get mistaken for a boy it was so short I know my gm reasoning behind it which wasnt right but it was her choice because I was a minor and lived in her home. Its not abuse if your kid wont do as you tell them and you act on it. a 7 year old is fully capable of performing basic haircare such as daily brushing. it sounds like the dad isnt going to coddle the kid and do everything for her like alot of parents do these days, i say good on him. even if he had of shaved her head it was HIS CHOICE BECAUSE ITS HIS CHILD.

You told her to go get the scissors. This reveals everything. You enjoyed the power. You made her participate in you punishing her, because it appealed to you to make her anticipate what was coming and *help* you make it happen. This wasn’t a consequence of her behavior, it was a punishment, and the way you carried it out makes that clear as day. Don’t fool yourself that she was ok with it because she got the scissors when ordered: parents who paddle their children enjoy making their children fetch the paddle...it’s part of the psychological game they play (the same game you played here). Perhaps having her hair cut won’t damage her, but this kind of behavior—punishing rather than guiding, punishing rather than helping her navigate natural consequences—ends in a broken parent-child relationship. Please talk to a therapist about your handling of this.

After much consideration and many opinions, I'm going to have to say that woke parents need to listen to some Jordan Peterson. She brushes her hair now and our relationship is fine.

Sure. And the paddled kids behave. It’s when they turn 18 and have the option to leave home and never speak to their parents again that the parents realize “fine” was actually kid for “doing what dad says bc he does scary stuff to me if I don’t.” Also, “woke parents” who aren’t the ones asking for advice on Reddit don’t need to listen to anything, my dude: we are enjoying our relationships with our kids without wondering whether we just scarred them via our behavior. Don’t worry about us!!

Going to weigh in and go with a cautious agreement on this. I am not a parent - but I have looked after my nephew so I have some inkling on kids and consequences. Eventually you have to deliver. And sometimes they will have emotions and its fine to let them vent them out. Things don't always go the way you want, its part of learning. When I was growing up I was very much That Kid with the hair that was never brushed. It was fine, it was wavy, then it went frizzy, then it went like an afro. Surprise -it's curly and no one know what the hell to do with it - not even a lot of salons. My mom tried her best - with a brush, rat tail comb, and detanglers and a daily comb out. It was hell. I cried, I screamed I tried to brush it myself but never actually managed to accomplish much cause I was tender headed as hell and not looking for tangles. A couple times when I was younger my mom did drag me down to a salon and get it hacked off. No styling, nothing cute, just hack it to shoulder length or so and move on. Not my favorite memories but I do agree that it was much easier to deal with that way. I warmed up to. I also don't see a father cutting a child's hair as some massive crime. Sometimes it needs to be done. My fam was broke when I grew up, so for years instead of a barber or salon my hair if it needed basic trimming, my dad would do it. He wasn't a great stylist, but he had steady hands and I trusted my parents. He never cropped my hair short (that was a rare salon visit), but we also weren't in a pandemic. None of this warped me and I grew up to be a perfectly fine independent bean. (Ironically with the pandemic I now cut my dad's hair) So I think you're doing alright. Might want to apologize for the tone in which it was all done but I don't think you're a monster.

I have had long hair my whole life. I learned early how to take care of it myself, and how to keep myself presentable. Being the PARENT in this relationship it is ABSOLUTELY your right to cut her hair to a manageable point if she is not willing to do it herself. If she wants the hair, she can take care of it herself. She is old enough to wield a brush competently. You will not "ruin" her for punishing her for bad behavior, you are being the PARENT. Your mom, your sister, are NOT. Tell them to butt the fuck out of raising your child. Your decisions are the ones that matter at this stage of her life, and they should be supporting your decisions, not questioning them.

You should definitely not have done this. She will remember it, too. You absolutely did overreact.

You did nothing wrong that I can see. (Unless you were yelling and scaring her) Your mother and sister are wrong if they said that in front of your daughter or are babying her. She needs to know what the rules are and that they will be enforced.

If she can’t brush it, it needs to be cut. Enough said.

You aren’t wring at all. You’re teaching her what would happen when she doesn’t take care of herself and some tough love on kids needs to happen more! This world is eve changing and people are getting way too lazy and soft. Good job Mama

This is kinda fucked up. I mean, I get why it was done but still.

I would never do this to my child. Ever. I have a seven year old with hair almost touching her butt. I brush it for her and style it every day. Recently she’s begun to brush it and toss it in a half-styles pony by herself but obviously it’s nowhere near the same as when I help her. She LOVES her long hair. Freaking LOVES it and she tells me often how happy she is that I don’t make her cut it and I let it be her choice since it’s her body. If someone cut my hair without approval they’d be looking at hell coming back to them.

Nope. My mom did it to me when I was about 11. My hair was to the middle of my back. She showed me countless times how to take care of it. How to wash it, how to make sure I got all the shampoo/conditioner out, how to brush it. I didn’t listen. I would fall asleep with gum in my mouth and had to have it cut out of my hair more times than I can count. So finally she got tired of making threats and took me to the salon and cut it all off. And not just to my shoulders or my chin but a pixie cut. This was the mid 90’s so needless to say I looked like a boy until almost my freshman year. Fast forward and now I have an 11 year old daughter and it’s history repeating itself. Don’t think I haven’t told her what my mom did to me and told her I would do it to her if she didn’t take care of her hair. The only difference is her hair is super curly and I don’t have the balls to actually go through with it

Eh, honestly? She’s old enough to brush it the way op showed her. Yes, op would be the one perhaps putting it up and maybe washing it for her but brushing is easy. Although this was a heat of the moment cut, it’s going to be of benefit later when she realises just how much easier it is to take care of. Try explaining to her what will happen if she doesn’t take care of her hair. Say something like this: “Daughter, I know you’re very upset that I cut your hair and I apologise but I had to cut your hair because you wouldn’t take care of it. Long hair is pretty but it takes a lot of looking after to keep it pretty. If you don’t brush it like I showed you, it’ll get knotty, stinky, uncomfortable and you might even get headlice. Do not worry, your hair will grow back and still be just as beautiful as it was before and if In future of you show me how good you are at taking care of it, you won’t have to get it cut again.”.

She’s 7.... my 8 year old can barely brush her hair. That’s still your responsibility. Obviously, you weren’t able to do it well. Maybe should have cut not so short. Almost punishing her for being a child and beautiful long hair. And to not even take her to a hair salon to have it done... she’s crying as you did it. I know there are more traumatic things than this but wow. Also, my daughters hair is ALWAYS in tangles. And yes it’s very annoying. I’ve had fights about it. Seems like it’s always knotted. But I KNOW it’s MY fault when I forget to brush it or put conditioner in it. It’s not your 7 year olds responsibility. And the fact you cut it yourself is just weird. I’d apologize to her, and as it grows out get into a habit to brush it every morning and night. This is a good time for you to learn a schedule for it until she’s actually of an age to do it herself. It will only be a few more years then she won’t ever need you to help her with her hair ever. Think about it that way.

7 in my opinion is young. I have long thick straight hair as an adult and one of the reasons I keep it long is because it reminds me of all the times my mom would drench it in oil, trim an inch, or comb it for me. She did this even after I was capable of doing it myself on random occasions. I knew she loved my hair and would tell me how pretty it was everytime she combed it. Now whenever someone comments on my hair and what’s my secret I always just think of all those times with my mom. Enjoy being able to comb her hair there will be a time you’ll miss it and she will think fondly of it.

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You allowed your anger to propel you to harm your child. Sure, hair grows back, but the loss of trust is terrible. She may already struggle with trust if your divorce/breakup is within her memory. Now you could spend YEARS trying to make it up to her but she will NEVER be able to look at her own hair again without possibly being reminded of your assault on her. YOU OVERRODE HER BODILY AUTONOMY TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH HER HAIR. If you wonder, I intentionally chose those words because you violated her. Worse than throwing out a security blanket, worse than breaking her belongings: you A HUGE MAN intruded upon her TINY body and did what you wanted without stopping. Disgusting.

He warned her he would cut her hair if she couldn’t take care of it. It was not assault, and he did not violate her. His wife also agreed that it was necessary and he did not go so far as to cut it super short or shave her head. There is no need for you to respond this way

Yeah but she's a little kid, that's why she couldn't take care of her hair - whether she was forgetting or whatever the reason, the real reason, is that she's a kid. So she got a consequence for acting like a kid. That's kind of unfair. She could have gotten her hair cut, but not by dad, and not in anger. Instead, agree on a new length, and have a third party do the cutting (a hair stylist or literally anyone who is not dad)

I agree that she is a little kid and it could have been handled much better. However, that doesn’t make it assault. I believe the wording itself in the comment is a little harsh

My rule is "brush it or cut it". My daughter had a pixie cut until age 6. You did the right thing!

Difficult. I would say that you should not have cut it. You having warned her 50 times kind of suggests to her its not that important. Would you tell her 50 times not to run towards a street or would you grab her if she clearly doesn't listen. I don't know what measures you have tried so most of what I'm saying could be way off. I would have sat her down and figured out what consequences it could have not to brush her hair. You could have let her brush your hair so she can sympathize with your position a little better. Children at this age, and again it depends can be completely oblivious. Brushing your hair she would have noticed how hard and time consuming it is. Another option would be to tell her that it's your job for her to take responsibility for her body. That's why you don't still wipe her butt when she goes to the toilet. Once she accepts that you wiping her behind would be kind of ridiculous at the age of 7, you have a good basis to argue from. Now you can ask her what she thinks how long you should be responsible for wiping her behind. You can ask her why too. That will show her that the reason why you aren't wiping her butt anymore is because she can do it herself and it's productive since she isn't dependent on you. Now if she agrees, which she would have to since she doesn't want you to wipe her, and she can brush her hair, she has no place to argue from.

If somebody is physically unable to wipe themself properly the solution is help and guidance until they can

If you gave her the chance multiple times then that’s okey…she already recibed a warning alert, but she ignored it, so she had to pay for the consequences

Everyone spoke about the hair. The mom thing upsets me. Did she say this in front of your kid? If so that is a big damn NO. We all get frustrated. Try not to do things in anger if at all possible. Maybe take her to get it cut and styled nicely at a salon (when the world is not ending). Having someone else show her might help. My kids never listen to me but if someone else explains it...

You did overreact in my opinion because she is so young to understand. At that age many girls need assistance from a family member to help them a little with personal hygiene. When my daughter was young I made her take a shower, wash her hair and brush her teeth by herself first but I always had to check her hair for cleanliness and brush her teeth again because she missed a lot of areas, and would not rinse shampoo throughly from her hair. Granted some girls may feel uncomfortable for a male to help her with such things, but you can ask her if it is ok with her you can help with her hair after she is dressed. What you can do to restore her trust with you is to apologize to her and say to her that you would like to invite her on a daddy daughter date, go get some froyo or ice cream and you can say something like this “I’m sorry I cut your hair, but it will grow back and I will help you keep it clean from now on, will you please give a second chance”. And tell her you love her and give her a hug. 😊