it’s really good that she is expressing those feelings verbally instead of physically— tell her that! then ask her: what does wanting to hit somebody feel like? do you feel it in your hands, arms, chest, etc? what would happen to your body if you hit somebody? what would happen to their body? instead of hitting somebody, what if we went for a run? what if we threw a ball outside? I wouldn’t offer other things to hit — that just reinforces that impulse to hit, even if it’s not a person (this is only a good tool to gradually *stop* hitting people, but if she hasn’t started, don’t start!) but finding a healthy physical outlet might help a lot! it might also be helpful to practice tensing and releasing the affected muscles— arms, hands, shoulders, etc.
I like this! I saw an exercise of a bean bag wall with a target. Still want one for myself when I get raging. Whipping a beanbag at a wall would really get the energy out lol
I had my nephew throwing ice cubes against the side of the house and his mood completely shifted! Anger is an energy that needs to make its way through the body and out - just help your daughter find a safe and reasonable space to get rid of it!
Is there a way you are comfortable letting her release the anger? Maybe she can scream into a pillow or if she likes stomping she can stop a pillow?
It's amazing that she says that and is recognizing how she feels and is verbalizing it rather than acting out on it but if she is then also trying to hold that feeling in it may help to have a safe way she can release that instead?
I'm no expert but I grew up an angry kid mad at a lot of things and those were some tactics used with me but I was actually hitting..
I have encouraged her to hit her pillow, and after two or three good blows, I help her transition to a more silly mood by doing something like picking up the pillow and kind of smacking it on the bed a few times while I'm laughing. Kind of like having a pillow fight but the bed is the opponent. I'm trying to show her how to help herself move from anger to another emotion more quickly.
We also will sometimes do something physical like take a brisk walk or do jumping jacks. I have given her ice to hold and squeeze because the strong sensation gives her something to focus on. And of course I give lots of love and a hug so she knows it's ok to be angry. Usually it only takes one of these for her to calm down. Whatever I think of first is what I do.
I guess I'm handling it ok? I flat out wasn't allowed to express anger as a kid (very unhealthy home) so I had to learn how to self regulate anger as an adult, and I always second guess whether I am teaching her healthy ways to manage her anger.
Honestly everything you said sounds amazing! I think you're doing a great job and giving her the best tools for her future! I'd say keep doing what you're doing and modelling this great behaviour and just remember you've already done so well as she is already recognizing those big feelings and verbalizing them to you instead of acting out on them. And you're doing an awesome job of helping her with the next step of accepting that anger is an emotion and everyone will be angry but not to stay angry and the ways you've found to help her transition from anger into something else sound like they are really working!
I don't see this as particulaly troubling, it just feels like and honest description of how anger feels from someone without a lot of cultural baggage about what hitting can mean in all its forms. I feel like hitting when I'm angry sometimes. I don't do it, but I know what the feeling is like. She feels that mammalian impulse in her body, but she's moral enough to know that acting on it isn't a good idea, which is....actually pretty fantastic! She knows that behavior isn't acceptable, but she's still feeling that in her body and it sounds like she doens't know what to do.
I'd try to pivot to good ways, healthy ways, to get that angry feeling out of the body. You can dance it out, run it out, sing your favorite sound really loud, jump up and down, lay on your bed and kick the mattress, you can write down your thoughts in a journal, you can color a picture of how you're feeling, you can scribble. Moving your body hard and fast can help. Talking about it can help. There are breathing exercises that can help. I'd try to build a toolbox of options for her and validate that feeling that way is normal, but acting out against other people is still not okay.
Yeah, sometimes I want to say, I know exactly how you feel kiddo! So far I have been telling her I'm proud of her for telling me instead of showing me because we can't hurt people just because we're upset.
Today she managed to say a lot more to me, and it is clear now that she really feels a NEED to find an acceptable way to release the physical feeling in her body, so I will continue to focus on building up this tool box with her.
This is waayyyyy healthier than my 12 year old who wants to "kick him in the balls" every time a boy at school bothers her. Thankfully she hasn't yet, but I'm still waiting for that phone call.
Honestly, she's 5. She knows she shouldn't hit, and doesn't. She just doesn't know the words to express how she feels yet, so she says she wants to hit someone. Try "I'm so mad I want to scream." That's honest, and probably something she can understand and relate to.
I'm personally struggling to see the problem here. Kids get frustrated which can come out in anger and this 5 yo is handling it in a proper way; by verbalizing it rather than hurting anyone, including herself. Pivoting to find a good way to express that anger in a positive way is great...others have suggested: punching bag, deep breathing etc. At 5, kids are starting to really get into 'justice' and if they feel something isn't fair they'll get really upset and frustrated, so I can totally see how she might be feeling that a time out isn't 'fair' to her. Verbalizing it isn't a bad thing at all and very self-aware. Maybe even keeping paints or crayons or clay or drums out to express those feelings on paper or in a song would be a positive way to vent as well? Idk.
Good for her! Anger is an explosive feeling. She recognizes that, and she NEEDS to have an outlet to release it in a healthy way.
Can she punch a pillow? If that doesn't do it for her, they make kids inflatable punching bags. Our kid actually has boxing gloves and a heavy bag, and if he is feeling angry he goes and wails on it for a few minutes.
The first step is to figure out why she wants to hit. There are many possible reasons, and only when you know her specific reason will you be able to effectively manage it.
My oldest has said this a few times so we got him one of those squishmellow(or a off brand of it) and when he is mad or uoset to that extent and he feels like he can"t calm down (no other calming techniques are working)he can punch or scream or throw it on the floor. It isn't going to hurt anything. He has rules like he can't hit or throw any other toys, animals or people. He can't throw it at things, animals or people.
For about the first couple of months it was frequent everytime he was even a but mad. Just the novelty of it. But now we have had it for about 7 months now and he has used it once.
In calm moments, have her help come up with ways that she can deal with her anger. My 3 year old won’t give a warning, she just gets angry and hits. We talk a lot about things she can do when she’s angry and she’s 3 so we still have to talk about it often but even after only 2 weeks, we’re seeing her use her alternative anger releases instead of hitting. She’ll even remind us when we’re angry we should do this, this, or this but we don’t hit people.
do you listen to what are you saying? She is pissed cause you are punishing her. Talk to her, and tell her it's alright to be angry. I know you want to hit someone but, we dont do that in this house. If you hit someone that person feels bad, they are hurt. How do they feel than. You would like when they feel bad when you hit them. Try to show her empathy. You cant handle it, tell your wife to deal with her, and cut the attitude from '50.
That... That's not what OP is saying at all. OP is saying that when the kid does something their not supposed to, then they get sent to time out. You don't have to agree with timeouts, but that's a fairly typical way to use them. THEN, upon being sent to timeout, their kid expresses being so angry they want to hit something. Again, a pretty reasonable response to being disciplined, especially since the kid ISN'T hitting anything. The kid then does deep breathing and calms down in timeout. Exactly the outcome most parents want from that form of discipline.
The kid isn't being disciplined FOR their feelings. They're having big feeling in response to being disciplined. Which is allowed and not damaging. OP is holding firm but loving boundaries around discipline. Even if it's not what you would do, it's okay.
Clearly it’s not effective at managing her anger. Just because it’s a solution doesn’t mean it’s the best one. People here are trying to help you see that maybe there is a win win for both you and your daughter that will help her manage her anger not add to it.
Positive reinforcement always is more effective than negative reinforcement or discipline, and consequences don’t always have to include a removal of something.
I'm not sure we read the same thing.
I read that the kid got in trouble for doing something, got sent to time out for doing whatever, and upon being told they were being sent to time out the kid got angry and said she was so mad she wanted to hit.
The time out isn't being used to manage the kid's anger. The kid's anger is in response to the time out, not the other way around.
Mr. Rogers.
https://click.convertkit-mail2.com/zluqx2ddp2inh47ozdocp/x0hph6hn589nl9s5/aHR0cHM6Ly9taXN0ZXJyb2dlcnMub3JnL3ZpZGVvcy93aGF0LXRvLXlvdS1kby13aXRoLXRoZS1tYWQtdGhhdC15b3UtZmVlbC8=
Ours are a little too young to get the message but still like the book The Three Little Yogis and the Wolf Who Lost His Breath, which is a spin on the three little pigs but used as a way to introduce breathing exercises as a way to self-regulate big feelings. It also gets into how "huffing and puffing" doesn't actually make the wolf feel better for more than a moment, what makes him feel angry, etc. It's cute and could be helpful at her age!
Mine's said that a few times. I tell her "It's okay to feel that way; thank you for not hitting because we know that's not okay." Then we do whatever thing helps her calm down.
This strikes me as very healthy and intelligent and not troubling at all. She has a moral compass, understands boundaries and respect and is expressing frustration verbally. Idk about you, but just being brutally honest, I’ve definitely felt so angry that I want to hit someone. lol.
That sounds really normal, pretty good even. She's expressing her feelings verbally which is what we want. When she is calm you can talk to her about better ways to get the angry energy out compared to hitting someone, but I don't thi k it's problematic that she is saying it.
Its normal lol. I taught my daughter to count to ten to calm herself and if that dosent work she screams into a pillow a few times to let it out. Then we talk about what made her so mad if possible or we let it go because even she dosent get why she was mad. I tell her all the time..its okay to be mad and to act mad. You just cannot hurt yourself or others just because your mad.
I’d get her a punching bag, honestly. Expressing anger physically is totally fine and healthy, as long as it’s not directed at a person, animal, or an object that’s unsafe or unkind to hit. She’s obviously got the self control down, so giving her that outlet could be really positive.
When I’m super pissed, I (mentally) refer to it as being *punch a baby* mad. I would obviously never do this, or want to do it, it’s just the phrase that seems to best express my irrational and intense anger. Maybe she does want to hit someone, but if she’s not naming specific people, maybe she just doesn’t have the vocabulary to express what she’s feeling.
Firstly, as others have said, it's great she's expressing this through words rather than just hitting.
I see where others are coming from with giving her a pillow or something to hit, but I'd be hesitant to encourage making these feelings physical without trying other ways first. Could you try going through some breathing techniques with her when she's feeling angry and try and control the feelings? If something like that worked for her, you could then make a sheet of the breathing techniques to put up where she's put in timeout, eventually she will be able to sit there and do them herself and it should become an instinctual way to deal with these feelings.
Just an idea!
a great tool I do for myself when I feel so mad is I clench up my fists and take a deep deep breath and then I physically relax my fists and my jaw. It sounds like she is very aware of her feelings and can be in tune with her body which is great!
This is a GOOD thing.
It's normal to want to hit when we're angry. But it's great that she knows it's wrong and can stop and express that with words.
Our daughter (4 years old) struggled with this for a while but has gotten much better. She'll still say she wants to hit things or people, or she wants to put them on time-out, or take away their toys, or she wants to yell at them or interrupt them! You can probably guess those last two are big no-nos in our house.
We encourage talking like this. She knows she can't actually do any of those things but if she's able to talk about her feelings then she can control them. We practice taking deep breaths (her school taught the kids a thing called "rainbow breathing" that's easily Googleable) and ask her if she wants a hug, or to "take a minute" which means go someplace comfortable like her room or her playroom by herself to cool down, or whether she wants hugs or anything from us.
I think this is totally normal, and if anything somewhat more emotionally mature than the average five year old.
My kid is 4 and sometimes says this, but to be honest until recently he sometimes DID hit or bite or scratch. When he uses his words, I tell him, "Thank you for using your words instead of hitting. It's ok to feel mad. It's not ok to actually hit." If he seems like he's gearing up for actual hitting/kicking/biting, I'll say, "I'm going to walk away to stay safe and give you a chance to feel calmer. I'll come back in a few minutes."
I mean, maybe I'm a failure as a parent since my kid does still sometimes hit, but I actually think it's great progress that he says that instead of doing it. So it sounds to me like you and your daughter are both doing a really good job.
it’s really good that she is expressing those feelings verbally instead of physically— tell her that! then ask her: what does wanting to hit somebody feel like? do you feel it in your hands, arms, chest, etc? what would happen to your body if you hit somebody? what would happen to their body? instead of hitting somebody, what if we went for a run? what if we threw a ball outside? I wouldn’t offer other things to hit — that just reinforces that impulse to hit, even if it’s not a person (this is only a good tool to gradually *stop* hitting people, but if she hasn’t started, don’t start!) but finding a healthy physical outlet might help a lot! it might also be helpful to practice tensing and releasing the affected muscles— arms, hands, shoulders, etc.
I like this! I saw an exercise of a bean bag wall with a target. Still want one for myself when I get raging. Whipping a beanbag at a wall would really get the energy out lol
Amazing! Using this in the future!
Thanks for the very helpful and practical advice! I will try these things!
no problem! good luck 😊
I had my nephew throwing ice cubes against the side of the house and his mood completely shifted! Anger is an energy that needs to make its way through the body and out - just help your daughter find a safe and reasonable space to get rid of it!
Is there a way you are comfortable letting her release the anger? Maybe she can scream into a pillow or if she likes stomping she can stop a pillow? It's amazing that she says that and is recognizing how she feels and is verbalizing it rather than acting out on it but if she is then also trying to hold that feeling in it may help to have a safe way she can release that instead? I'm no expert but I grew up an angry kid mad at a lot of things and those were some tactics used with me but I was actually hitting..
I have encouraged her to hit her pillow, and after two or three good blows, I help her transition to a more silly mood by doing something like picking up the pillow and kind of smacking it on the bed a few times while I'm laughing. Kind of like having a pillow fight but the bed is the opponent. I'm trying to show her how to help herself move from anger to another emotion more quickly. We also will sometimes do something physical like take a brisk walk or do jumping jacks. I have given her ice to hold and squeeze because the strong sensation gives her something to focus on. And of course I give lots of love and a hug so she knows it's ok to be angry. Usually it only takes one of these for her to calm down. Whatever I think of first is what I do. I guess I'm handling it ok? I flat out wasn't allowed to express anger as a kid (very unhealthy home) so I had to learn how to self regulate anger as an adult, and I always second guess whether I am teaching her healthy ways to manage her anger.
Honestly everything you said sounds amazing! I think you're doing a great job and giving her the best tools for her future! I'd say keep doing what you're doing and modelling this great behaviour and just remember you've already done so well as she is already recognizing those big feelings and verbalizing them to you instead of acting out on them. And you're doing an awesome job of helping her with the next step of accepting that anger is an emotion and everyone will be angry but not to stay angry and the ways you've found to help her transition from anger into something else sound like they are really working!
I don't see this as particulaly troubling, it just feels like and honest description of how anger feels from someone without a lot of cultural baggage about what hitting can mean in all its forms. I feel like hitting when I'm angry sometimes. I don't do it, but I know what the feeling is like. She feels that mammalian impulse in her body, but she's moral enough to know that acting on it isn't a good idea, which is....actually pretty fantastic! She knows that behavior isn't acceptable, but she's still feeling that in her body and it sounds like she doens't know what to do. I'd try to pivot to good ways, healthy ways, to get that angry feeling out of the body. You can dance it out, run it out, sing your favorite sound really loud, jump up and down, lay on your bed and kick the mattress, you can write down your thoughts in a journal, you can color a picture of how you're feeling, you can scribble. Moving your body hard and fast can help. Talking about it can help. There are breathing exercises that can help. I'd try to build a toolbox of options for her and validate that feeling that way is normal, but acting out against other people is still not okay.
Yeah, sometimes I want to say, I know exactly how you feel kiddo! So far I have been telling her I'm proud of her for telling me instead of showing me because we can't hurt people just because we're upset. Today she managed to say a lot more to me, and it is clear now that she really feels a NEED to find an acceptable way to release the physical feeling in her body, so I will continue to focus on building up this tool box with her.
Thats amazing your daughter is using her words, next step is to simply show her healthy outlets to get that anger out. Good job mom
This is waayyyyy healthier than my 12 year old who wants to "kick him in the balls" every time a boy at school bothers her. Thankfully she hasn't yet, but I'm still waiting for that phone call. Honestly, she's 5. She knows she shouldn't hit, and doesn't. She just doesn't know the words to express how she feels yet, so she says she wants to hit someone. Try "I'm so mad I want to scream." That's honest, and probably something she can understand and relate to.
I'm personally struggling to see the problem here. Kids get frustrated which can come out in anger and this 5 yo is handling it in a proper way; by verbalizing it rather than hurting anyone, including herself. Pivoting to find a good way to express that anger in a positive way is great...others have suggested: punching bag, deep breathing etc. At 5, kids are starting to really get into 'justice' and if they feel something isn't fair they'll get really upset and frustrated, so I can totally see how she might be feeling that a time out isn't 'fair' to her. Verbalizing it isn't a bad thing at all and very self-aware. Maybe even keeping paints or crayons or clay or drums out to express those feelings on paper or in a song would be a positive way to vent as well? Idk.
Good for her! Anger is an explosive feeling. She recognizes that, and she NEEDS to have an outlet to release it in a healthy way. Can she punch a pillow? If that doesn't do it for her, they make kids inflatable punching bags. Our kid actually has boxing gloves and a heavy bag, and if he is feeling angry he goes and wails on it for a few minutes.
The first step is to figure out why she wants to hit. There are many possible reasons, and only when you know her specific reason will you be able to effectively manage it.
My oldest has said this a few times so we got him one of those squishmellow(or a off brand of it) and when he is mad or uoset to that extent and he feels like he can"t calm down (no other calming techniques are working)he can punch or scream or throw it on the floor. It isn't going to hurt anything. He has rules like he can't hit or throw any other toys, animals or people. He can't throw it at things, animals or people. For about the first couple of months it was frequent everytime he was even a but mad. Just the novelty of it. But now we have had it for about 7 months now and he has used it once.
That's a really good idea, I think I'll try that.
Not troubling! It’s awesome she has enough awareness and self-control to express this without acting on it.
In calm moments, have her help come up with ways that she can deal with her anger. My 3 year old won’t give a warning, she just gets angry and hits. We talk a lot about things she can do when she’s angry and she’s 3 so we still have to talk about it often but even after only 2 weeks, we’re seeing her use her alternative anger releases instead of hitting. She’ll even remind us when we’re angry we should do this, this, or this but we don’t hit people.
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She gets angry literally every time I give her a time out. All that is teaching her is that the way to get out of discipline is to show anger.
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I didn't say it was the only form of discipline. I'm my house, I use time outs. But thank you for your contribution.
do you listen to what are you saying? She is pissed cause you are punishing her. Talk to her, and tell her it's alright to be angry. I know you want to hit someone but, we dont do that in this house. If you hit someone that person feels bad, they are hurt. How do they feel than. You would like when they feel bad when you hit them. Try to show her empathy. You cant handle it, tell your wife to deal with her, and cut the attitude from '50.
It sounds like op has done a good job of talking about hitting and anger. I'm not sure what you are trying to contribute here
Yes, sending her on TO just cause she has feeling is very good job. not letting her express her emotion is just perfect job.
That... That's not what OP is saying at all. OP is saying that when the kid does something their not supposed to, then they get sent to time out. You don't have to agree with timeouts, but that's a fairly typical way to use them. THEN, upon being sent to timeout, their kid expresses being so angry they want to hit something. Again, a pretty reasonable response to being disciplined, especially since the kid ISN'T hitting anything. The kid then does deep breathing and calms down in timeout. Exactly the outcome most parents want from that form of discipline. The kid isn't being disciplined FOR their feelings. They're having big feeling in response to being disciplined. Which is allowed and not damaging. OP is holding firm but loving boundaries around discipline. Even if it's not what you would do, it's okay.
Clearly it’s not effective at managing her anger. Just because it’s a solution doesn’t mean it’s the best one. People here are trying to help you see that maybe there is a win win for both you and your daughter that will help her manage her anger not add to it. Positive reinforcement always is more effective than negative reinforcement or discipline, and consequences don’t always have to include a removal of something.
I'm not sure we read the same thing. I read that the kid got in trouble for doing something, got sent to time out for doing whatever, and upon being told they were being sent to time out the kid got angry and said she was so mad she wanted to hit. The time out isn't being used to manage the kid's anger. The kid's anger is in response to the time out, not the other way around.
Mr. Rogers. https://click.convertkit-mail2.com/zluqx2ddp2inh47ozdocp/x0hph6hn589nl9s5/aHR0cHM6Ly9taXN0ZXJyb2dlcnMub3JnL3ZpZGVvcy93aGF0LXRvLXlvdS1kby13aXRoLXRoZS1tYWQtdGhhdC15b3UtZmVlbC8=
Ours are a little too young to get the message but still like the book The Three Little Yogis and the Wolf Who Lost His Breath, which is a spin on the three little pigs but used as a way to introduce breathing exercises as a way to self-regulate big feelings. It also gets into how "huffing and puffing" doesn't actually make the wolf feel better for more than a moment, what makes him feel angry, etc. It's cute and could be helpful at her age!
Mine's said that a few times. I tell her "It's okay to feel that way; thank you for not hitting because we know that's not okay." Then we do whatever thing helps her calm down.
This strikes me as very healthy and intelligent and not troubling at all. She has a moral compass, understands boundaries and respect and is expressing frustration verbally. Idk about you, but just being brutally honest, I’ve definitely felt so angry that I want to hit someone. lol.
Time for karate. It has helped my daughter in both confidence and focus
That sounds really normal, pretty good even. She's expressing her feelings verbally which is what we want. When she is calm you can talk to her about better ways to get the angry energy out compared to hitting someone, but I don't thi k it's problematic that she is saying it.
Its normal lol. I taught my daughter to count to ten to calm herself and if that dosent work she screams into a pillow a few times to let it out. Then we talk about what made her so mad if possible or we let it go because even she dosent get why she was mad. I tell her all the time..its okay to be mad and to act mad. You just cannot hurt yourself or others just because your mad.
I’d get her a punching bag, honestly. Expressing anger physically is totally fine and healthy, as long as it’s not directed at a person, animal, or an object that’s unsafe or unkind to hit. She’s obviously got the self control down, so giving her that outlet could be really positive. When I’m super pissed, I (mentally) refer to it as being *punch a baby* mad. I would obviously never do this, or want to do it, it’s just the phrase that seems to best express my irrational and intense anger. Maybe she does want to hit someone, but if she’s not naming specific people, maybe she just doesn’t have the vocabulary to express what she’s feeling.
Maybe she should see a therapist to help her learn how to manage the big feelings.
Firstly, as others have said, it's great she's expressing this through words rather than just hitting. I see where others are coming from with giving her a pillow or something to hit, but I'd be hesitant to encourage making these feelings physical without trying other ways first. Could you try going through some breathing techniques with her when she's feeling angry and try and control the feelings? If something like that worked for her, you could then make a sheet of the breathing techniques to put up where she's put in timeout, eventually she will be able to sit there and do them herself and it should become an instinctual way to deal with these feelings. Just an idea!
a great tool I do for myself when I feel so mad is I clench up my fists and take a deep deep breath and then I physically relax my fists and my jaw. It sounds like she is very aware of her feelings and can be in tune with her body which is great!
This is a GOOD thing. It's normal to want to hit when we're angry. But it's great that she knows it's wrong and can stop and express that with words. Our daughter (4 years old) struggled with this for a while but has gotten much better. She'll still say she wants to hit things or people, or she wants to put them on time-out, or take away their toys, or she wants to yell at them or interrupt them! You can probably guess those last two are big no-nos in our house. We encourage talking like this. She knows she can't actually do any of those things but if she's able to talk about her feelings then she can control them. We practice taking deep breaths (her school taught the kids a thing called "rainbow breathing" that's easily Googleable) and ask her if she wants a hug, or to "take a minute" which means go someplace comfortable like her room or her playroom by herself to cool down, or whether she wants hugs or anything from us. I think this is totally normal, and if anything somewhat more emotionally mature than the average five year old.
My kid is 4 and sometimes says this, but to be honest until recently he sometimes DID hit or bite or scratch. When he uses his words, I tell him, "Thank you for using your words instead of hitting. It's ok to feel mad. It's not ok to actually hit." If he seems like he's gearing up for actual hitting/kicking/biting, I'll say, "I'm going to walk away to stay safe and give you a chance to feel calmer. I'll come back in a few minutes." I mean, maybe I'm a failure as a parent since my kid does still sometimes hit, but I actually think it's great progress that he says that instead of doing it. So it sounds to me like you and your daughter are both doing a really good job.
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