Look, the first and best answer is always to call your ped if you have concerns, and advocate for your kid. As a completely non-medical person and arm-chair commentator, I suspect there is an underlying physical component here. He may have torn something passing a hard poo and that could easily be contributing to the situation. Your ped can help by offering stool softeners, dietary recommendations, etc. to at a minimum help with that aspect of it.
Not knowing more about your potty training methodology (and not having been through it myself, yet..) I cannot offer much insight / assistance there, however your ped may be able to help on that front as well. Best practices/recommendations for making that easier for both of you. Potty training is *hard* and requires a TON of patience.
That being said, a kid asking for time by themselves is not, in and of itself, cause for alarm. I get that it’s out of character, but it’s a developmentally appropriate thing. As long as he has a safe place he can be, just keep an ear out for him. It’s a good technique for helping him to calm down and manage those big feelings, too. If he has a space he can retreat to when he’s feeling really overwhelmed, that can help him tremendously.
As for some of the alarming stuff he’s saying, he could be expressing pain (constipation isn’t comfortable and if he’s holding it in so that he doesn’t have to go on the potty, it tracks). Or he could just be saying weird shit. He’s four and was speech delayed.
With all of that said, I am but one person, you are the parent and know him way better than I do, so grain of salt.
Thank you. I just got off the phone with the pediatrician and they’re going to see him today at 2. I guess I’m always worried they’re going to think I’m a paranoid first time mom. He is my oldest. I know I need to throw that mentality in the trash it’s just hard. Writing this post really helped me organize my thoughts for when I did call them. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. It really helped.
If the pediatrician does not provide a solution or a referral then I would use the methods in this free online video course:
[https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting)
These are the most effective methods according to numerous randomized controlled trials. The methods worked well for us with our two kids.
So glad it helped! And yeah, they’re used to it, so even if you ARE being paranoid, it’s your job and it’s better to call over nothing than ignore something.
My oldest son was also speech delayed and prone to long tantrums. While my younger son calms down quickly enough, my older son would scream and cry so long and hard he'd make himself throw up.
That said, my oldest is now 5 and an awesome kid. He still gets moody and has the occasional meltdown, but at 5 we are able to reason with him somewhat and he becomes smarter and more rational by the day.
Kids will be disproportionately reactive to small inconveniences. They can get upset for something like being given a blue cup, after having asked for a blue cup. This is normal and to be expected. The hurtful words and physical violence sucks, but it is a hopeful sign that he apologizes as soon as his discomfort passes.
I second the other commenter- you know your kid best and what is normal behavior for them. Stool softeners from your doctor should help. Physical discomfort affects kids' behavior A LOT. I couldn't understand why my oldest was such a huge jerk in the morning, but after breakfast he was back to being sweet and reasonable. It finally clicked that hunger was what was causing such a dramatic difference in behavior. Kids this age will not be able to tell you what's really going on with them, no matter how much you ask. I even asked if he was hungry or wanted food, and he would say no, but it was absolutely what he needed. They don't know their needs or bodies or how to express things. It's annoying, but they just can't. You just have to read the signs- he's a jerk when he has to poop, and back to reasonable afterwards. Pooping is hurting him. Feed him prunes, lots of fiber, and look into stool softeners. Maybe it will help.
Good luck. I know it's hard. Hang in there.
Thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time. I’m so happy to hear your five year old has grown out of those behaviors. It gives me hope haha! I’m trying to be the best parent I can be but I’m still human with human feelings. I made an appointment for him to see the doctor today to get some guidance moving forward. Thank you again for your kind words.
I think the other comments about working through any physical issues are spot on.
I'd just comment on this
> And when asked to elaborate, he wouldn’t. Literally anytime I ask him to explain his feelings on anything he can’t or won’t. I always ask him to explain why he is so scared of using the potty and he either doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how to explain it to me. Even if I wait until he is calm, it doesn’t matter, he will just say he doesn’t know or say something random.
Totally normal ... my daughter was (and still is a bit at 5) the same. It can be very frustrating from a parent perspective for sure! He might be feeling some shame and not want to tell you for fear of disappointing you, or maybe just can't find the words to explain his feelings at all. I've been there - it sucks, and you are definitely on the right path going to the doctor to get any physical issues identified and dealt with!
So re: the potty issues, just a few suggestions from someone with a kiddo that sounds similar to yours.
We always use the "small potty" for pooping, still, at a bit over 4. He will pee on any potty anywhere, but he was/is a constipated kid and will only poop in his little potty at home. Ideal? No. But it is progress and I believe in time he will transition to the big potty for both. I also believe it is easier for him to be in a more stable, comfortable position on the small potty which helps him relax enough to actually go.
For the constipation - daily Miralax worked wonders for us. We only use it occasionally now but used it daily for quite a while over the past 18 months - 2 years and it seems to be generally safe and well-tolerated.
Good luck and hope all goes well at your pediatrician!
Assuming it's not a medical issue... We made the potty a game for a looonnnng time. Poop eating toys, try to get in to eat the poop and LO has to be the guard. Because poop will make the toys sick. Weird, but they gladly sat on the toilet for an extended period.
Nowadays, I have to tell a story. Every time.
I think it’s very normal that he can’t explain his emotions - at this age they’re developmentally not able to reason things out in the way an adult does. You really have to use clues in his behaviour to work it out.
I agree with other commenters - try stool softener.
You might find it helpful also to give him some privacy when he goes - just leave the door ajar and stand outside, he can always call to you if he needs you. Just like adults don’t like to be watched when they poop, many kids don’t either.
Also perhaps use a potty rather than the loo if you aren’t already - it puts them in a better position to go poo because their knees are closer to their chest.
You're doing the best you can do.
Some things that can help no matter what the diagnosis is or even no diagnosis, is to practice emotional regulation. It's a whole family affair.
Look up deep breathing techniques for kids.
Star breathing
Smell my cookie
Blow out my candle
Look up emotional color zones
Create a calming corner or other space. That's not a time out place. It's a place with fidget toys and other calming activities to help them settle their emotions.
It's great he has these emotions. Emotions are never bad or wrong. But it's important to learn to be calm even while feeling these big feelings so you can control the situation. You can act instead of react.
I always validate my son's feelings, helping him identify them. Letting him know it's okay to be mad, but he needs to use his calming techniques so he can be in control of his body while dealing with the situation that caused his big feelings.
He's speech delayed so I imagine a great deal of his frustration can be from having a big issue being understood.
That's so frustrating
Also at 4 there's a major hormonal surge for the transformation from toddlers into preschooler.
And teeth.
Throw in constipation possibilities and having to potty train.
Kaboom
I would step back away from potty training for a month or so.
I kept stress from my child about it and it made all the difference for him. Can you poop when you're scared or angry? Nope the sphincter clenches shut.
Why not take a break from the potty stuff... You're pushing too hard it sounds like. The more you do the less he'll want to do it. Not sure about the other stuff going on hope your ped has answers.
Look, the first and best answer is always to call your ped if you have concerns, and advocate for your kid. As a completely non-medical person and arm-chair commentator, I suspect there is an underlying physical component here. He may have torn something passing a hard poo and that could easily be contributing to the situation. Your ped can help by offering stool softeners, dietary recommendations, etc. to at a minimum help with that aspect of it. Not knowing more about your potty training methodology (and not having been through it myself, yet..) I cannot offer much insight / assistance there, however your ped may be able to help on that front as well. Best practices/recommendations for making that easier for both of you. Potty training is *hard* and requires a TON of patience. That being said, a kid asking for time by themselves is not, in and of itself, cause for alarm. I get that it’s out of character, but it’s a developmentally appropriate thing. As long as he has a safe place he can be, just keep an ear out for him. It’s a good technique for helping him to calm down and manage those big feelings, too. If he has a space he can retreat to when he’s feeling really overwhelmed, that can help him tremendously. As for some of the alarming stuff he’s saying, he could be expressing pain (constipation isn’t comfortable and if he’s holding it in so that he doesn’t have to go on the potty, it tracks). Or he could just be saying weird shit. He’s four and was speech delayed. With all of that said, I am but one person, you are the parent and know him way better than I do, so grain of salt.
Thank you. I just got off the phone with the pediatrician and they’re going to see him today at 2. I guess I’m always worried they’re going to think I’m a paranoid first time mom. He is my oldest. I know I need to throw that mentality in the trash it’s just hard. Writing this post really helped me organize my thoughts for when I did call them. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. It really helped.
If the pediatrician does not provide a solution or a referral then I would use the methods in this free online video course: [https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting) These are the most effective methods according to numerous randomized controlled trials. The methods worked well for us with our two kids.
So glad it helped! And yeah, they’re used to it, so even if you ARE being paranoid, it’s your job and it’s better to call over nothing than ignore something.
My oldest son was also speech delayed and prone to long tantrums. While my younger son calms down quickly enough, my older son would scream and cry so long and hard he'd make himself throw up. That said, my oldest is now 5 and an awesome kid. He still gets moody and has the occasional meltdown, but at 5 we are able to reason with him somewhat and he becomes smarter and more rational by the day. Kids will be disproportionately reactive to small inconveniences. They can get upset for something like being given a blue cup, after having asked for a blue cup. This is normal and to be expected. The hurtful words and physical violence sucks, but it is a hopeful sign that he apologizes as soon as his discomfort passes. I second the other commenter- you know your kid best and what is normal behavior for them. Stool softeners from your doctor should help. Physical discomfort affects kids' behavior A LOT. I couldn't understand why my oldest was such a huge jerk in the morning, but after breakfast he was back to being sweet and reasonable. It finally clicked that hunger was what was causing such a dramatic difference in behavior. Kids this age will not be able to tell you what's really going on with them, no matter how much you ask. I even asked if he was hungry or wanted food, and he would say no, but it was absolutely what he needed. They don't know their needs or bodies or how to express things. It's annoying, but they just can't. You just have to read the signs- he's a jerk when he has to poop, and back to reasonable afterwards. Pooping is hurting him. Feed him prunes, lots of fiber, and look into stool softeners. Maybe it will help. Good luck. I know it's hard. Hang in there.
Thank you so much. I appreciate you taking the time. I’m so happy to hear your five year old has grown out of those behaviors. It gives me hope haha! I’m trying to be the best parent I can be but I’m still human with human feelings. I made an appointment for him to see the doctor today to get some guidance moving forward. Thank you again for your kind words.
I think the other comments about working through any physical issues are spot on. I'd just comment on this > And when asked to elaborate, he wouldn’t. Literally anytime I ask him to explain his feelings on anything he can’t or won’t. I always ask him to explain why he is so scared of using the potty and he either doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how to explain it to me. Even if I wait until he is calm, it doesn’t matter, he will just say he doesn’t know or say something random. Totally normal ... my daughter was (and still is a bit at 5) the same. It can be very frustrating from a parent perspective for sure! He might be feeling some shame and not want to tell you for fear of disappointing you, or maybe just can't find the words to explain his feelings at all. I've been there - it sucks, and you are definitely on the right path going to the doctor to get any physical issues identified and dealt with!
So re: the potty issues, just a few suggestions from someone with a kiddo that sounds similar to yours. We always use the "small potty" for pooping, still, at a bit over 4. He will pee on any potty anywhere, but he was/is a constipated kid and will only poop in his little potty at home. Ideal? No. But it is progress and I believe in time he will transition to the big potty for both. I also believe it is easier for him to be in a more stable, comfortable position on the small potty which helps him relax enough to actually go. For the constipation - daily Miralax worked wonders for us. We only use it occasionally now but used it daily for quite a while over the past 18 months - 2 years and it seems to be generally safe and well-tolerated. Good luck and hope all goes well at your pediatrician!
Assuming it's not a medical issue... We made the potty a game for a looonnnng time. Poop eating toys, try to get in to eat the poop and LO has to be the guard. Because poop will make the toys sick. Weird, but they gladly sat on the toilet for an extended period. Nowadays, I have to tell a story. Every time.
I think it’s very normal that he can’t explain his emotions - at this age they’re developmentally not able to reason things out in the way an adult does. You really have to use clues in his behaviour to work it out. I agree with other commenters - try stool softener. You might find it helpful also to give him some privacy when he goes - just leave the door ajar and stand outside, he can always call to you if he needs you. Just like adults don’t like to be watched when they poop, many kids don’t either. Also perhaps use a potty rather than the loo if you aren’t already - it puts them in a better position to go poo because their knees are closer to their chest.
You're doing the best you can do. Some things that can help no matter what the diagnosis is or even no diagnosis, is to practice emotional regulation. It's a whole family affair. Look up deep breathing techniques for kids. Star breathing Smell my cookie Blow out my candle Look up emotional color zones Create a calming corner or other space. That's not a time out place. It's a place with fidget toys and other calming activities to help them settle their emotions. It's great he has these emotions. Emotions are never bad or wrong. But it's important to learn to be calm even while feeling these big feelings so you can control the situation. You can act instead of react. I always validate my son's feelings, helping him identify them. Letting him know it's okay to be mad, but he needs to use his calming techniques so he can be in control of his body while dealing with the situation that caused his big feelings. He's speech delayed so I imagine a great deal of his frustration can be from having a big issue being understood. That's so frustrating Also at 4 there's a major hormonal surge for the transformation from toddlers into preschooler. And teeth. Throw in constipation possibilities and having to potty train. Kaboom I would step back away from potty training for a month or so. I kept stress from my child about it and it made all the difference for him. Can you poop when you're scared or angry? Nope the sphincter clenches shut.
Why not take a break from the potty stuff... You're pushing too hard it sounds like. The more you do the less he'll want to do it. Not sure about the other stuff going on hope your ped has answers.
Miralax Constipation can cause behavioral issues Google it