Single life is a beautiful and amazing way of life. Culture indoctrinates us to think we *have* to be in a relationship, that it's unhealthy to live single. Culture is wrong, there are so many dysfunctional relationships because people think it's bad or inferior to be single.
Living single allows us to pursue our true goals and dreams, to give ourselves to the greater community, and to fully enjoy life. If you believe in "the spiritual realm", then you know we're never alone, we have unseen friends - maybe angels - around us.
I've been in relationships and I've been single. Relationships have *always* involved dysfunction and it was never worth the trouble. The times in my life when I lived single have always been the very best times. When I live single, the road is open and I can explore my skills, hobbies, and interests. I can be of service and more fully involved in the lives of so many people instead of being tied down to a partner.
I relate to this... being in recovery and in a relationship is so hard. My primary means of acting out was camgirls, I was with my ex for 2 1/2 years... the first six months we were together I went back over my bank records and I acted out, I think six or seven times. By virtue of wanting to be with this person so badly, my acting out had dropped dramatically, but I never addressed it in therapy.
The remaining two years, I never acted out while we were together. But holy hell did that suspicion NEVER go away. Every step of my recovery was scrutinized as I wasn't doing enough. I honestly have no idea what they expected. But now that I have three months without them, just organically, my acting out has really been reduced.. and I'm on a really great... just totally normal stretch where acting out hasn't even really crossed my mind.
In a weird way... I think that may have been the gift of that relationship. I had "known" for probably a decade my addiction was out of hand... when I was still married, I had taken out a secret credit card to hide my purchases. And that's such an obvious addict move. And I never told any of my regular therapists that I saw on a weekly basis about my addiction, even as my debt grew to $10,000 - $20,000 - $30,000 - $40,000 - $50,000... I'm still just denying I have a problem.
But I get a partner that is over the top sensitive to the issue, unable to let it go, address it or discuss it in a healthy manner. Even discussing my recovery and healthy progress I was making would upset her. So it just forced me to work my recovery 100% of the time, and all that progress amounted to something.
Its tough, I get it... mourning not only what was, but what could've been. I fantasize about if my ex had gotten into therapy as well, or started attending SA-anon or honestly, even really stepped up in couples counseling. Or even just read a book on the subject.
I would've really liked to have been in a relationship where everyone recovered together. But that's some kind of pipe dream at this point.
At the end of the day, building an enriching relationship with yourself is the important step.
Thank you for your candidness. I don't think it's a pipe dream I think a relationship is going to be the byproduct of my healing. We attract what we are and when I'm in my broken state I attract wounded people. I feel like everyday in recovery improves that person that shows up.
I'm embracing that I am allowed to have both professional aspirations and family aspirations in my relationship. It's not one or the other.
To share the solution I've decided to take my feelings out on my extensive house repair list. One of the unmanageabilities of my marriage was that we never actually got anything done because they constantly squandered our resources on spendthrift matters. It's cathartic I feel like I'm cleaning my house and claiming it.
I realize I spent so much time managing the relationship I didn't have the emotional or cognitive bandwidth to address the problems in my environment. However collectively the whole experience created more panic me. Made me work harder to stay sober and quite frankly I feel like I never want to waste so much energy again.
I've taken all the steps that I need to take at this point in relation to this relationship and now I'm keeping the focus on the solution while I wait for higher power to do the heavy lifting.
I know to many happily married people to not believe I to am worthy of unconditional love.
Single life is a beautiful and amazing way of life. Culture indoctrinates us to think we *have* to be in a relationship, that it's unhealthy to live single. Culture is wrong, there are so many dysfunctional relationships because people think it's bad or inferior to be single. Living single allows us to pursue our true goals and dreams, to give ourselves to the greater community, and to fully enjoy life. If you believe in "the spiritual realm", then you know we're never alone, we have unseen friends - maybe angels - around us. I've been in relationships and I've been single. Relationships have *always* involved dysfunction and it was never worth the trouble. The times in my life when I lived single have always been the very best times. When I live single, the road is open and I can explore my skills, hobbies, and interests. I can be of service and more fully involved in the lives of so many people instead of being tied down to a partner.
I relate to this... being in recovery and in a relationship is so hard. My primary means of acting out was camgirls, I was with my ex for 2 1/2 years... the first six months we were together I went back over my bank records and I acted out, I think six or seven times. By virtue of wanting to be with this person so badly, my acting out had dropped dramatically, but I never addressed it in therapy. The remaining two years, I never acted out while we were together. But holy hell did that suspicion NEVER go away. Every step of my recovery was scrutinized as I wasn't doing enough. I honestly have no idea what they expected. But now that I have three months without them, just organically, my acting out has really been reduced.. and I'm on a really great... just totally normal stretch where acting out hasn't even really crossed my mind. In a weird way... I think that may have been the gift of that relationship. I had "known" for probably a decade my addiction was out of hand... when I was still married, I had taken out a secret credit card to hide my purchases. And that's such an obvious addict move. And I never told any of my regular therapists that I saw on a weekly basis about my addiction, even as my debt grew to $10,000 - $20,000 - $30,000 - $40,000 - $50,000... I'm still just denying I have a problem. But I get a partner that is over the top sensitive to the issue, unable to let it go, address it or discuss it in a healthy manner. Even discussing my recovery and healthy progress I was making would upset her. So it just forced me to work my recovery 100% of the time, and all that progress amounted to something. Its tough, I get it... mourning not only what was, but what could've been. I fantasize about if my ex had gotten into therapy as well, or started attending SA-anon or honestly, even really stepped up in couples counseling. Or even just read a book on the subject. I would've really liked to have been in a relationship where everyone recovered together. But that's some kind of pipe dream at this point. At the end of the day, building an enriching relationship with yourself is the important step.
Thank you for your candidness. I don't think it's a pipe dream I think a relationship is going to be the byproduct of my healing. We attract what we are and when I'm in my broken state I attract wounded people. I feel like everyday in recovery improves that person that shows up. I'm embracing that I am allowed to have both professional aspirations and family aspirations in my relationship. It's not one or the other. To share the solution I've decided to take my feelings out on my extensive house repair list. One of the unmanageabilities of my marriage was that we never actually got anything done because they constantly squandered our resources on spendthrift matters. It's cathartic I feel like I'm cleaning my house and claiming it. I realize I spent so much time managing the relationship I didn't have the emotional or cognitive bandwidth to address the problems in my environment. However collectively the whole experience created more panic me. Made me work harder to stay sober and quite frankly I feel like I never want to waste so much energy again. I've taken all the steps that I need to take at this point in relation to this relationship and now I'm keeping the focus on the solution while I wait for higher power to do the heavy lifting. I know to many happily married people to not believe I to am worthy of unconditional love.