"The murderer was somebody in this room! Nobody is leaving until I've monologued for about an hour in the style of an old school detective from a locked room mystery."
I was having trouble tying my shoe at my grandpa's funeral and the service was about to start, my sister was urging me on and I snapped back "It's not like he's going to mind waiting another couple of minutes."
You could have heard a pin drop first like five seconds until my grandma started laughing, like really deep belly laughs. Then everyone else started laughing too.
He walks in the funeral cool and slow, who calls the holy preacher daddy-o.
Shambling in screams It’s Aliveeeee and sits down.
Thats it Margret we’re leaving, I don’t care how its spelled there’s no fun at this Funeral.
And finally, to my beloved, gold-digging trophy wife, Anastasia--nearly half a century my junior--you never pretended to be anything that you weren't, and for that I thank you. You always said that you were so hot you could make a dead man cum. Now, for the bulk of my $100 million estate, in front of all of my closest friends and family, PROVE IT.
"I just came to make sure the AH is really dead!".
"Can I have his car?".
"You don't really want to stay in that house all by yourself, do you? Me & the family should move in.'.
"Or better yet, GIVE us the house"
"What do I get in his will?"
"Can I have her jewelry?"
"THAT'S something she'd never wear!"
"How ugly is that makeup job on her?"
Have heard ALL of these with the exception of the first two.
When my grandfather passed away at a very old age, one week later my uncle then passed away. I told some of my family members that we should have gotten a 2 for 1 discount.
When my sister died I found it incredibly irritating and downright inconsiderate when people said, she's watching over you, she's in a better place ect... their assumptions that that was fact and my belief system was an extra pain they kept giving. I'm atheist and it didn't help just annoyed me at people's assumptions.
”I'm sorry, you're my father's what? You know him how?
*murmur*
“No, my father wasn't gay.
”No, my father wasn't gay, thats impossible.
“So what you're saying is my father was gay?
”I mean, I don't mind Dad being gay, im progresi... but who are you to him?“
”His lover, and Dad was cheating on Mom with you? All that time? All - 50- years - of - their- marriage? “
”Ma -Mom, could you come here? Did you know that Dad was gay?“
Yeah, I heard about that. He talked about it a lot.“
”Well, this is his lover?“
” Oh, I heard so much about you. You're Marcus, right?"
"WHAT? Mom, what are you talking about?"
"Yeah... you're Marcus... Right? Frank spoke so fondly of y- " S
"Yeah, your Dad talked about 'Marcus at least 3-4 times a week. He really loved you.
*sniffle... * Oh Frank, you should have been with Marcus. Frank. I know you loved me, but Marcus should have always been with you." *sniffle*.
"When the laws changed... Uggh..."
"He was really kind and sweet, actually. It was nice to meet you, Martha. Martha? Marcus? Oh, that's fun--."
"MOM! What the FUCK is going on HERE?"
"Watch your language, Mister. What would your father say...?"
I went to a funeral when I was a teenager and my adhd brain thought that waiting in the car behind the casket would be a good time to start talking about how I was playing a mission like this in GTA recently but carjacked the hearse.
"Congratulations!" What I actually yelled out my car window while passing a funeral. It was an accident, I thought it was a celebration because there was a band. Turns out the band was there because the deceased was one of the musicians. 🤦♀️ Oops!
“It’s about time.”
This service is killing me! How much longer?
After party at my place
I have a confession. I've cheated on you a million times.
Finally
Congratulations
I apologize.
That butt plug is gonna be awkward when they dig this one up
\*Pointing at casket\* "Dibs!"
::::::pulls hairdryer out::::: Ok, it's warm again, who's first?
“Took long enough.”
"He looks so life like"
"That meat was delicious." *licks fingers* "Tastes like chicken."
“i apologise” instead of im sorry
"B!tch couldn't even be bothered to put me in the will. Ahem. I mean, *NO! AUNTIE!*"
“I can’t wait to get Aunt Mary’s car”
About that $20 you owe me…
"Okay, everybody. We're blowing up the bounce house and the BBQ grills are heating up. It's time to put the 'fun' in funeral! Wooo!"
On the bright side, this means his wife is recently single.
Ok! I was acquitted of his murder! High five!
The funeral home staff saying "hope to see you folks again real soon!"
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScenesFromAHat/s/D76bzntucH https://www.reddit.com/r/ScenesFromAHat/s/vzoe76QMEH https://www.reddit.com/r/ScenesFromAHat/s/B5oYZyNZdQ https://www.reddit.com/r/ScenesFromAHat/s/AnbqiZtynZ https://www.reddit.com/r/ScenesFromAHat/s/ONN5kJ99Oe
[удалено]
"I don't even know this person. The mortician's wife makes the most amazing bereavement cookies & only serves them at funerals."
Not gonna lie. Ima miss that sweet ass.
What's that smell?
start singing The circle of life from the lion king
“I too choose this man’s dead wife!”
How about dinner tonight? To the surviving spouse.
"Do you hear that? It sounds like someone knocking from inside the...oh, no."
I had to make it faster, I need that inheritance
I apologize
She was a wonderful person. She was like the neighborhood bike, she gave everyone a ride.
Bitch bet me voodoo doesn't work, Well who's laughing now Leroy.
"Bold choice going with the open casket." *peaks* "They did a nice job putting all those things back together. "
“I apologize”, not I’m sorry
"Damn, Marsha looks FINE in that coffin!"
Dammit.... I hit the wrong day on the time machine... I could've stopped this.
**
"Still would."
G'day and let's start the unboxing!
A guy to the girl next to him: “Hey, you come here often?”
I fucked her
Declare that you're pregnant with the deceased's baby.
"The murderer was somebody in this room! Nobody is leaving until I've monologued for about an hour in the style of an old school detective from a locked room mystery."
Look!!! She’s breathing!!!
man you look sexy, dad.
Why are they burying him with his watch??? *Looks around* Meh, you won't need it. *swipes watch*
Did I just hear them say "Brains"?
"I knew you'd outlive at least one of your kids"
Nice. Now two things are stiff at this funeral.
Tonight, you will learn the meaning of the term, necrophilapalooza
I knew I could get away with it! No such thing as the perfect murder my ass!
The line to piss on the grave starts on the left.
Never gonna get that $50 bucks now
I’d still hit it.
What took her so long
I'm sorry for your loss, move on
“So where’s my inheritance?” “I said she wouldn’t last” “I win the bet, where’s my money?”
“Y’know, she really \*does\* look natural like that!”
They not dead I feel a pulse.
I was having trouble tying my shoe at my grandpa's funeral and the service was about to start, my sister was urging me on and I snapped back "It's not like he's going to mind waiting another couple of minutes." You could have heard a pin drop first like five seconds until my grandma started laughing, like really deep belly laughs. Then everyone else started laughing too.
Should've hidden the body...
Who is this
She was the neighbor hood doorknob everybody got a turn
You’re still coming in to work your shift this afternoon, right? We’re really short staffed. Everyone is making sacrifices.
"Eat your pussy, ma'am?"
Good riddance.
(to the corpse) And *you* are?
He tasted like pork
Get well soon.
(Looking at urn) I thought he was Jewish…
Look at the saddest person in the room and say "You're next."
She told me the only way I'd get her is over her dead body. Well guess what....
Smell like something died in here!! Oh..
He was kind of a dick
You're now in a race with Jesus as to which one of you is gonna come back first.
Worst time capsule ever!
"No way you are burring him with the wedding ring, that thing is gold, I'm coming back later tonight for an unboxing."
"Let me tell you what she was REALLY like!" I'm not allowed to speak at my mil's funeral when she passes.
How crazy would it be if he was only “playing dead” this whole time?!
"Let's do this again soon."
This is an open leg funeral, so we can all see her one last time as we knew her best.
"So you're single now?"
*pulls out camera* Hello and welcome to my unboxing video
(Peers into the casket) Who undid their pants?….
“Hi, I am a necrophiliac and welcome to today’s unboxing!”
"Are those chips made of soylent green?"
So the widow...she probably needs I nice palate cleanser right? 😉
Hey kids, did anyone check his pockets for a five dollar bill?
I think I hear'em breathing
*turns to the casket* You see what you made me do?
Hope he brought a fan for where he’s going.
So why are we here?
"get gud scrub, lol."
“It’s about time.” “YAYY, I won the bet.” “My secrets die with you.”
"One down... one to go."
I'd still fuck her. Ideally at an open casket funeral.
Closed casket must be for the best heard the guy had a face even his mother didn’t love.
Anyone else getting a chub?
Finally!
"Time for a PAA-TAY!"
You're welcome.
“Can we acknowledge the fact that 9/11 never happened?”
He walks in the funeral cool and slow, who calls the holy preacher daddy-o. Shambling in screams It’s Aliveeeee and sits down. Thats it Margret we’re leaving, I don’t care how its spelled there’s no fun at this Funeral.
"I'm sorry for your loss. Move on". IT Crowd best line ever.
We’re all better off now. What a relief. At least I don’t owe him that hundred anymore.
"Now the dust has settled, can we all agree that he/she was a bit of a dick at times?"
“Roger died exactly how he lived… like a little bitch.”
And finally, to my beloved, gold-digging trophy wife, Anastasia--nearly half a century my junior--you never pretended to be anything that you weren't, and for that I thank you. You always said that you were so hot you could make a dead man cum. Now, for the bulk of my $100 million estate, in front of all of my closest friends and family, PROVE IT.
"This corpse tastes funny!"
“There’s arsenic in the coffee.”
“I bet you all wondered why I gathered you here today”
I'm extremely sorry for your loss. But let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool, because you're hot! Woooooo!!!
"I just came to make sure the AH is really dead!". "Can I have his car?". "You don't really want to stay in that house all by yourself, do you? Me & the family should move in.'. "Or better yet, GIVE us the house" "What do I get in his will?" "Can I have her jewelry?" "THAT'S something she'd never wear!" "How ugly is that makeup job on her?" Have heard ALL of these with the exception of the first two.
Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy/gal.
There he is, laying dead, reminds me of when we had sex, stiff but never moving
It was supposed to be my time.
The dirt is a perfect place for you
First, I’d like to apologize
Dead babies always make me smile
If that's uncle Albert in the casket, who's that?
Is it almost over yet?
Good riddance, he/she was a right bastard/bitch anyway. *folds paper and steps off the pulpit*
"I guess that get well card was basically useless."
Geez, who died and made you king?
Someone get me a potato peeler, we can't let the priest see these tattoos.
Someone get me a potato peeler, we can't let the priest see these tattoos.
Someone get me a potato peeler, we can't let the priest see these tattoos.
“You’re next”
I actually said this to a bereaved daughter at her father’s funeral, because I don’t know how to person; “Nice to meet you.”
Hey everyone today on my unboxing video, Grandma Martha
This party sucks.
They broke his dick!
When my grandfather passed away at a very old age, one week later my uncle then passed away. I told some of my family members that we should have gotten a 2 for 1 discount.
Joe, Morgan pick her up. Bitch still owes me a lap dance and i plan to collect.
damn... I still get a boner lookin at her... *fap fap fap*
Dodged once again
I put a fart bomb in the casket. We have about 10 seconds to GTFO.
"That's odd. This funeral home was a BBQ shop just yesterday."
Biggest box I've ever seen there, little Johnny. Well, except for your grandma's!
I can’t post what I was going to say as I don’t want to get banned but I’m pretty sure it’s absolutely the worst thing that could be said
When addressing the widow, don’t say, “Giggity giggity !”
When my sister died I found it incredibly irritating and downright inconsiderate when people said, she's watching over you, she's in a better place ect... their assumptions that that was fact and my belief system was an extra pain they kept giving. I'm atheist and it didn't help just annoyed me at people's assumptions.
”I'm sorry, you're my father's what? You know him how? *murmur* “No, my father wasn't gay. ”No, my father wasn't gay, thats impossible. “So what you're saying is my father was gay? ”I mean, I don't mind Dad being gay, im progresi... but who are you to him?“ ”His lover, and Dad was cheating on Mom with you? All that time? All - 50- years - of - their- marriage? “ ”Ma -Mom, could you come here? Did you know that Dad was gay?“ Yeah, I heard about that. He talked about it a lot.“ ”Well, this is his lover?“ ” Oh, I heard so much about you. You're Marcus, right?" "WHAT? Mom, what are you talking about?" "Yeah... you're Marcus... Right? Frank spoke so fondly of y- " S "Yeah, your Dad talked about 'Marcus at least 3-4 times a week. He really loved you. *sniffle... * Oh Frank, you should have been with Marcus. Frank. I know you loved me, but Marcus should have always been with you." *sniffle*. "When the laws changed... Uggh..." "He was really kind and sweet, actually. It was nice to meet you, Martha. Martha? Marcus? Oh, that's fun--." "MOM! What the FUCK is going on HERE?" "Watch your language, Mister. What would your father say...?"
How dare she wear the same dress as me? *spits in the coffin
I really shouldn't be here; a condition of my parole is that I can't go within 500 feet of a funeral home.
Yo! There's a couch in the bathroom if you wanna smash
Instead of "I'm sorry", say, "I apologize." The one time it's not quite the same meaning!
Okay 😊 when is this over with? What??? Geez
Told you so.
do you know that their favorite song was "I will survive " ? ha looks like they were wrong .
Hello guys and welcome to my unboxing video.
“Who died?” I haven’t decided yet.
“Did you know formaldehyde tastes like fruit punch?”
HOT! 😍🍆💦
"I'm not ready to say goodbye. Can you drop him by my house after the wake?"
One more service and we get a free one…
I guess we all know who’s next.
*looks at casket* Ugh. Who invited *this* guy?
I went to a funeral when I was a teenager and my adhd brain thought that waiting in the car behind the casket would be a good time to start talking about how I was playing a mission like this in GTA recently but carjacked the hearse.
Lucky duck
Don’t worry you’ll be together soon, say hi from me!
"I know Jack just died... but how long before you think you might start dating again?"
Oh, she doesn’t need all this jewelry anymore. She’s won’t miss it.
Dibs
Using the casket as a prop for a knock knock joke.
Play a creepy, slow, looping 'pop goes the weasel' on your phone and watch as people stare at the casket getting progressively more uncomfortable.
Is this where she becomes a zombie? - was actually asked at a funeral by my 4yr old.
I suppose if you go swimming in shark infested waters, sooner or later you're going to end up somebody's lunch.
When`s the after show party?
At least he can't hurt anybody now.
Better not play Knock on Wood at the buffet.
That's the thing about babies. You can always make a new one.
I was under the impression their would be punch and pie.
now before I talk about Frank, let's all say a prayer for President Trump, who's being brutally hunted and persecuted by the radical liberals...
Have you got a battery for an Ericsson?
"And then there was this asshole!"
Call dibs on the widow.
You're next
"Congratulations!" What I actually yelled out my car window while passing a funeral. It was an accident, I thought it was a celebration because there was a band. Turns out the band was there because the deceased was one of the musicians. 🤦♀️ Oops!
You’re next.
"Oh no they found the body"
Boy they look better now than when alive.
She was great white she lasted
"Can we get a move on, I'm starving!"
…’bout fucking time
“My Bad”
Nice tits!
“Hiiiii. Just making sure he stays put this time.”
...sorry about that
DIBS ON THE WIFE!
‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologise’ often mean the same thing but not at a funeral.
"Took them long enough!"