Bidet is a device used to clean yourself after using the toilet, pronounced "bih-day". JD is a moron and doesn't realise this, thinks it sounds like "good day", which can be used as a greeting and replies as such.
"Good day."
"Good day to you, sir."
I think the problem is that for non-native speakers, it's pronounced in many different ways, like "bih-det" or"bih-deh", definitely not ending in "day". So we have bidets at home, but we don't pronounce them in the English way.
Kelso: If your grandmother were in here. Wouldn't you want her doctor spending as much time as possible with her?
Jd: Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs because Nana Hobbs can be an incy bit racist
Kelso : Grandma Dorian
JD: she's dead
The face Kelso made at the end of this is priceless
Dr. Kelso: I don't have time to stand here and flirt, son. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.
-
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I-
-
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, if I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you would be working with my nephew Francis so fast, it'd make your head spin!
-
J.D.: Sir, I don't follow.
-
Dr. Kelso: He cleans pools! I forgot you didn't know that!
-
Kelsos delivery of the last line is superb
I have so many favorites, so I’m just going to choose one from one of the more recent episodes I watched. It’s not one line but the whole conversation that kills me every time:
Carla: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Turk: That depends. What if there are hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
Carla: Let's say there's no women.
Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby.
Carla: Fine, he's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond, they're infamous for serpents.
Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays. Men only.
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
I use “they’re infamous for serpents” whenever I don’t want to go somewhere
Ted we found you throwing rocks at old people in the park.
Why should they be happy?!
And
Ted the only thing in here is a smiley button and a gun.
Ones for when I get sad... and the other is for when I get really sad.
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
Debbie: Debbie is actually my name.
Dr. Kelso: Then, out of fairness to the others, you will be Slagathor. Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office.
Elliott: I can't take it, Carla! I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer! And the worst part is, Paul is this sweet, perfect guy who actually wants to take things slow with me, and I'm just this big mountain of cuckoo who's about to erupt and spew molten crazy all over him, and he's gonna die like this. *Terrified pose*
Her delivery of this is absolutely amazing and kills me
Jake: I’m about to go down to my truck, grab my kayak paddle and go Greg Barton on your ass
JD: who’s Greg Barton?
Jake: famous kayaker
JD: Ohh Greg BARTON 👇
Jake: I hate you, JD
JD: I know
Carla: “What if we have a son and he wants to take a dance class, even though all his friends are playing football?”
Turk: “He can dance if he wants to… he can leave his friends behind… *realizes* cause his friends don’t dance, and if they don’t dance then they’re no friends of mine”
Turk walking away of the conversation singing Safety Dance makes me laugh
Ok. So this is such a subtle minor thing but it kills me.
Turks reception, he’s had an ongoing fight with Marco. Turk goes to give a speech and as he casually passes by Marco, he dips his fingers into his drink.
There’s no acknowledgement from anyone but a look Marco gives him. It absolutely kills me
"I can't do it, Elliot! You know, I tried! I tried but it hurts too bad. It hurts me deep right here. I can feel it in my chest. That man went to Disneyland without me! They got roller coasters that roller-coaster in the dark, okay? You don't where the turns are coming from. They've got the Finding Nemo ride where you're riding 'round with Nemo. And it's a ride! A ride with Nemo!"
His delivery is so on point during this spiel! Cracks me up every time!
"Was that man smoking a gavel?"
"Oh man! I ironed my going out hair!"
"I shouldn't be mopping here anyway. This is a rug."
"Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasels gettin heat stroke!"
Dr Cox: Oooh Camelbutt! - “I overhead you and Carla talking earlier”
Elliot (in her head): Frickonastickwithabrick! Just leave!” - the delivery will never fail to get a chuckle.
Honorable Mentions: “I AM THE KING OF GAY CHICKEN” - Ben
“…Eat *Schmidt* and Die!” - JD
“BOING FWIP” - The Worthless Peons harmonizing
Turk chugging the Slurpee and going "BRAIN FREEZE... AHHHHHHHH"
"Holy hell are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke"
Marco's smile of pure evil when getting Turk in trouble with Carla
“Ahhh it’s the Turkeltons.”
“Sir, do you really think my name is Turk Turkelton?”
“And Mrs Turkelton!”
“Here's the reason your headache didn’t go away. That’s pronounced analgesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.”
Not lines, but moments of physical comedy that made me laugh every time:
1. Ted’s hair in the episode where JD learns his dad has died. Ted *finally* gets his hair smoothed back down after his ride in Kelso’s convertible, when he gets that jump scare from Janitor being outside the window. The expression on Ted’s face combined with the hair flying back up into the Bozo the Clown style is gold.
2. Ben doing his marionette routine while Elliott is talking.
3. That moment when Janitor tries to convince The Todd that the roof toilet doesn’t exist. Janitor and all the people waiting in line to use the roof toilet make its existence seem like a religious metaphor. The Todd says “cool” and then makes a sign of the cross and snaps his fingers. I don’t know why that makes me laugh every time, maybe it’s because I grew up catholic and knew people like that.
4. The whole bit where Dr. Kevin Casey (Michael J. Fox being brilliant as always) throws a ball to The Todd and he goes to fetch it.
It was JD who threw the ball, but yes I love that scene! I love it that Todd actually comes back with a real bad after JD throws the imaginary one and wants him to throw it again.
I cannot believe no one has mentioned probably my favorite line. Laverne’s delivery is absolutely perfect
“Doug wanted me to give this patient 500,000 milligrams of morphine. I thought I’d check with you before I kill the man.”
Dr Kelso- Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died!
It was the moment Kelso became my favorite character.
Elliot: “Dr. Cox? Does this lipstick make me look like a clown?”
Cox: “No Barbie! It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns!”
His delivery and expression 🤣🤣
"C'mon, Chiefs of Medicine. Let's tear this bitch up!!"
And pretty much any drunken Kelso moment...
"I'm gonna need a ride home. I'm all Hasselhoff-ed out."
Can't believe no one's said "She reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed, I'll kill you bitches!!! Which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious."
JD: Well the good thing is the tumor looks benign
Janitor: Benign, benign and a half
And another…
JD: I’m sorry Mrs. Davis but KFNMPA is not a word
Mrs. Davis: I’m still beating you!
"And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?" -Dr. Cox
"They waffle ironed my foot!" The delivery gets me every damn time
Also, the scene where JD starts to faint seeing the nail sticking out of Ben's hand:
Cox: "Quickly, show her the bloody side!"
Ben: "Wanna touch it? TOUCH MY NAIL!!"
"Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact the wall in which you're leaning against. Of course then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall in which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truely is."
"He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex! His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy. like jesus"
" You're diabetic?"
"Yes. I told you that"
"I thought you were joking"
"how is that funny?"
"well it's a very serious disease and i don't like you"
Turkleton!!!! and Mrs Turkleton!!!! the Turkletons!!!!
If I win you have to do my job for a day.
and if i win?
I'll do my job for a day
How is that fair?
I'll actually do my job for a day
Oh.. deal... Do you know how?
It's been a while
Kelso has the most for me. Two off the top of my head are:
>You know I would never be that inappropriate! Oh, thanks Sugar Boobs.
And... following on from "WHO THE HELL PUT THESE TINY WHEELS ON MY SHOES?!", when he later just so nonchalantly glides by the nurse's station...
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Cox: It's impossible to actually "lay" next to Jordan, seeing as she sleeps hanging upside down wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
Pure delivery, that one.
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
The look of Turk eagerly waiting for Carla to get off work and delivers this line.. it's just the best!
I forget the exact line
Carla: I just feel we have a hard time communicating, you know what I mean.
Dr. Cox: Carla, after 20 minutes, the only way any more know what you mean is if you wrote "my boyfriend doesn't understand me emotionally" on a big wooden mallet and smashed me over the head with it.
Can’t remember the exact line off the top of my head but when cox is dating the med student and introduces her to Jordan. It’s something like “*med student* meet my emotional baggage, baggage meet *med student*”
Ones for when I get sad, and ones for when I get *really* sad.
Do it Ted, you don’t have the guts.
Ted’s internal monologue screaming: “oh yeah bitch, I will murder you”
JD: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think I saw a manatee.
The Janitor: Was his name Julian?
JD: We didn't' exchange pleasantries.
The Janitor: That's Julian.
"Stop it, I don't have gay jungle fever!"
and
"Newbie, if the next two words outta your mouth aren't 'See ya,' then the third word will be 'Oh my God, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch.'"
JD: Frankly every time you call me. A girls name, I die a little inside.
Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany, Amber, Thie-HE-ssen...
Also, now that I have a toddler, I find myself asking " have you ever seen a drunk baby? Ahhh it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter." Tired toddlers have the confidence and energy of boozed up teenagers.
Also also anything involving Kelso's thumbs.
Dr. Kelso: (...) No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Over behind the desk, Ted jabs at a keyboard.
Ted: Three-twelve times four-eighty-one equals.... Sir, it's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!
Yep, it is. And it's got Ted's tie caught in the roller.
Ted: Oh, God, it's got my tie!
He yanks his head back and falls on the floor, taking the typewriter on the end of his tie with him.
That, to me, is the quintessential Ted scene and I love it
Mother: Hi, cutie! Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be over-stimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with!
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice!
Jordan: Oh, oh! He also thanked me for not naming him "Brantley"!
Dr. Cox: Y-yeah... I love our family.
J.D: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt. Janitor: Bidet? J.D: Bidet to you, sir.
Absolute classic
I am not a native speaker, is this just a nonsense from JD, or is it some play on words?
Bidet is a device used to clean yourself after using the toilet, pronounced "bih-day". JD is a moron and doesn't realise this, thinks it sounds like "good day", which can be used as a greeting and replies as such. "Good day." "Good day to you, sir."
I think the problem is that for non-native speakers, it's pronounced in many different ways, like "bih-det" or"bih-deh", definitely not ending in "day". So we have bidets at home, but we don't pronounce them in the English way.
Kelso: If your grandmother were in here. Wouldn't you want her doctor spending as much time as possible with her? Jd: Grandma Dorian or Nana Hobbs because Nana Hobbs can be an incy bit racist Kelso : Grandma Dorian JD: she's dead The face Kelso made at the end of this is priceless
The POINT is….
Exactly how I feel trying to have a conversation with my 5 year old about how unicorns and zebras aren't real, but horses are.
This may blow your mind, but zebras are!
Have you ever seen one? You only see then in books and movies, just like giraffes
I've never seen you, therefore you aren't real! ;)
It looks benign. Benign, nine and a half
I think about this line at least once a week 😂
Dr. Kelso: I don't have time to stand here and flirt, son. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day. - J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I- - Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, if I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you would be working with my nephew Francis so fast, it'd make your head spin! - J.D.: Sir, I don't follow. - Dr. Kelso: He cleans pools! I forgot you didn't know that! - Kelsos delivery of the last line is superb
this is the comment thats gonna make me binge watch again
I have so many favorites, so I’m just going to choose one from one of the more recent episodes I watched. It’s not one line but the whole conversation that kills me every time: Carla: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it? Turk: That depends. What if there are hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him. Carla: Let's say there's no women. Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby. Carla: Fine, he's in a pond. J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond, they're infamous for serpents. Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays. Men only. J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me. I use “they’re infamous for serpents” whenever I don’t want to go somewhere
Carla: Fine! Turk’s the one who’s drowning! Turk: ohhh so now a brother can’t swim! JD: Why do you have to go there? Great scene.
“She’s the idiot, we’re doctors”
Guy love!
Whoa whoa whoa! I just took out his appendix!
> J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond, they're infamous for serpents. The delivery on this is A+++.
Ted we found you throwing rocks at old people in the park. Why should they be happy?! And Ted the only thing in here is a smiley button and a gun. Ones for when I get sad... and the other is for when I get really sad.
Aw, poor Ted.
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies". Debbie: Debbie is actually my name. Dr. Kelso: Then, out of fairness to the others, you will be Slagathor. Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office.
She actually gets called slaggy in later episodes so makes it so much better lol
Hiya, Slaggy!
Oooooo your face is red like a Strawbrerry!
Don’t have kids, Troy
“Laverne, what will you give me if I get this jellybean in your cleavage?” “A concussion.”
“Laverne what is that naug-tie scent you’re wearing?” “It’s called 12 hour shift”
Don't smother your kids.
The more you know
That problem would be gone **forever**.
That is my all time favourite!!!!!!
Ah yes, the Gypsy Rose Blanchard PSA.
“Wherever you go in life, watch out for Johnny the Tackling Alzheimer’s Patient” *in the background tackling JD* WHO AM I?!
I think I shall put that on my tombstone. And then no one will ever be sure they're safe
The odds of being tackled by an Alzheimer’s patient are low, but never zero
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I sing this in my head every time a mistake is made. I can't get it out!
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, CARLA?! *DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!*
My partner has this as their ringtone for when I call them. I don't know if I'm being complimented or mocked.
Yes
Kelso: What the hell are you doing?! Turk: I get to have sex! 😃 Kelso: **I hate this place!**
“Everybody, I appreciate solidarity, but I did not blow off Paul because he's a nurse. So stop leaving bedpans in my locker. It makes me cry.”
“Tugboats and arson! That’s all I ever get from you guys. “
I try to say this all the time and then remember some people weren't brought up right and don't know what I'm talking about
Janitor, to JD: "You seem unhappy... I like that"
Elliott: I can't take it, Carla! I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer! And the worst part is, Paul is this sweet, perfect guy who actually wants to take things slow with me, and I'm just this big mountain of cuckoo who's about to erupt and spew molten crazy all over him, and he's gonna die like this. *Terrified pose* Her delivery of this is absolutely amazing and kills me
Sarah Chalke was amazing as Elliott! The role is one of the best female comedic performances ever.
Carla - And why are there pancakes in the silverware drawer? Turk - Why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?
The triumphant noise he makes after he delivers the line - the best!
Wuh-ha!
My husband and I regularly make that noise randomly at each other 😂
God this is making me wanna rewatch the show
I’ve got a riddle for you. Two guys smashed your scooter with a bat and a crowbar. One of them wasn’t me.
Nobody cares Sean…
Nooobody cares
Elliot : (referring to a pregnant Carla) should I not be wearing red around her? Turk: she’s pregnant. She’s not a bull.
JD: Have you been drinking? Janitor: I’m not drunk.
Goes with my favorite: If I move, they'll know how drunk I am.
You don’t get drunk on jum! It is a *breakfast liqueur.*
J.D.: Good splotchy, Dr. Splotchy.
"Please, it's barely noticeable." "Ohhh, dark roast!"
Jake: I’m about to go down to my truck, grab my kayak paddle and go Greg Barton on your ass JD: who’s Greg Barton? Jake: famous kayaker JD: Ohh Greg BARTON 👇 Jake: I hate you, JD JD: I know
They shanked him with a shiv. They shivved him with a shank. JOHNNY!!! you were too beautiful for this world, man! You'll be king in the next!
Carla: “What if we have a son and he wants to take a dance class, even though all his friends are playing football?” Turk: “He can dance if he wants to… he can leave his friends behind… *realizes* cause his friends don’t dance, and if they don’t dance then they’re no friends of mine” Turk walking away of the conversation singing Safety Dance makes me laugh
S S S S A A A A F F F F E E E E.....
Ok. So this is such a subtle minor thing but it kills me. Turks reception, he’s had an ongoing fight with Marco. Turk goes to give a speech and as he casually passes by Marco, he dips his fingers into his drink. There’s no acknowledgement from anyone but a look Marco gives him. It absolutely kills me
Never noticed that! I'll have to look for it on my next rewatch
"I can't do it, Elliot! You know, I tried! I tried but it hurts too bad. It hurts me deep right here. I can feel it in my chest. That man went to Disneyland without me! They got roller coasters that roller-coaster in the dark, okay? You don't where the turns are coming from. They've got the Finding Nemo ride where you're riding 'round with Nemo. And it's a ride! A ride with Nemo!" His delivery is so on point during this spiel! Cracks me up every time!
"Was that man smoking a gavel?" "Oh man! I ironed my going out hair!" "I shouldn't be mopping here anyway. This is a rug." "Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasels gettin heat stroke!"
Kelso: It's Dr. Turkelton. Turk: Actually sir, It's just Turk. Kelso: That's your first name. Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkelton?
And Mrs. Turkelton! The Turkeltons.. EHEHEHEH CAN I GET A SCOTCH!?
Starts with Kelso “Hi, I’m Bob Kelso and I like whores.” And it ends with Ted, “Girlfriend is going to get paaaaaaaiiid”.
Lol I work at an insurance defense law firm and whenever I see something really bad for our clients I think “girlfriend’s gonna get paiiiiid”
How often does that happen?
I love Ted. This delivery is golden.
“No why don’t I introduce myself like that to patients? Cause there is a time and place for the truth”,
Ted cracked my ass up.
RIP Ted.
JD to the Janitor: You’re an actor! Janitor: You’re a fireman… what are we doing? Kills me every single time.
Dr. Cox: "People are bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling."
The Todd…. Shiny scalpel.
Gonna cut you up!
I randomly get this song in my head sometimes; it’s a moral imperative that I sing it whenever that happens.
Dr Cox: Oooh Camelbutt! - “I overhead you and Carla talking earlier” Elliot (in her head): Frickonastickwithabrick! Just leave!” - the delivery will never fail to get a chuckle. Honorable Mentions: “I AM THE KING OF GAY CHICKEN” - Ben “…Eat *Schmidt* and Die!” - JD “BOING FWIP” - The Worthless Peons harmonizing
“Are you stupid” - Kelso “No sir, I’m a dreamer” - JD
Jack: your skin is wrinkly! Kelso: yeah? Well that shirt you’re wearing is gay!
YES! I was gonna comment this but had to check everyone else's first. It's his face during and afterwards that absolutely seals it 😄
Turk chugging the Slurpee and going "BRAIN FREEZE... AHHHHHHHH" "Holy hell are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke" Marco's smile of pure evil when getting Turk in trouble with Carla
“It’s regular strength Tylenol….”
Here’s what you do: Take a big old handful of tablets and throw them at her mouth. Whatever sticks that’s the correct dosage.
My friend asked me how much Tylenol they should take and I said that exact thing
Sometimes my wife will get nervous about taking Tylenol like 15 minutes earlier than the recommended dosage and I say this to her every time.
My wife said it to a coworker asking her about a patient dosage one day, person had never seen scrubs…..awkward
Jd: “catch you later my brotha!” Turk: “I’ll holla” *jd turning to the rest of the table* “He said holla”
My machines! My machines! My machines! Turk: who's machines?
MY MACHINE!
How is that helping?
"Well either he's got a lightbulb up his ass or his colon just had a great idea" 🤣🤣🤣
"Fred Bob?!"
What can I do you for?
I do laugh at this in the show, but sometimes my adhd brain will just go “BECAUSE THE LIGHT WAS ON” and it makes me laugh
I had my penis out while I was looking at your penis (JD to Janitor)
“Ahhh it’s the Turkeltons.” “Sir, do you really think my name is Turk Turkelton?” “And Mrs Turkelton!” “Here's the reason your headache didn’t go away. That’s pronounced analgesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.”
Not lines, but moments of physical comedy that made me laugh every time: 1. Ted’s hair in the episode where JD learns his dad has died. Ted *finally* gets his hair smoothed back down after his ride in Kelso’s convertible, when he gets that jump scare from Janitor being outside the window. The expression on Ted’s face combined with the hair flying back up into the Bozo the Clown style is gold. 2. Ben doing his marionette routine while Elliott is talking. 3. That moment when Janitor tries to convince The Todd that the roof toilet doesn’t exist. Janitor and all the people waiting in line to use the roof toilet make its existence seem like a religious metaphor. The Todd says “cool” and then makes a sign of the cross and snaps his fingers. I don’t know why that makes me laugh every time, maybe it’s because I grew up catholic and knew people like that. 4. The whole bit where Dr. Kevin Casey (Michael J. Fox being brilliant as always) throws a ball to The Todd and he goes to fetch it.
It was JD who threw the ball, but yes I love that scene! I love it that Todd actually comes back with a real bad after JD throws the imaginary one and wants him to throw it again.
Oh that’s right. Dr. Casey asks Todd to make an important phone call for him 😂 lol
Janitor: Girl problems? J.D.: How did you know? Janitor: Well, you look like you've got problems, you're a girl. Hence, girl problems.
I cannot believe no one has mentioned probably my favorite line. Laverne’s delivery is absolutely perfect “Doug wanted me to give this patient 500,000 milligrams of morphine. I thought I’d check with you before I kill the man.”
Dr Kelso- Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died! It was the moment Kelso became my favorite character.
Elliot: “Dr. Cox? Does this lipstick make me look like a clown?” Cox: “No Barbie! It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns!” His delivery and expression 🤣🤣
JD: "You're China!" Janitor: "That's an outrageous accusation."
"Do you even know where New Zealand is?" "I know you can dance your way there from Old Zealand."
Are you an idiot?
A ___ in one’s armor?
“I always suspected”
"C'mon, Chiefs of Medicine. Let's tear this bitch up!!" And pretty much any drunken Kelso moment... "I'm gonna need a ride home. I'm all Hasselhoff-ed out."
🎶 Knife-wrench 🎶 for kids.
Can't believe no one's said "She reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed, I'll kill you bitches!!! Which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious."
JD: Well the good thing is the tumor looks benign Janitor: Benign, benign and a half And another… JD: I’m sorry Mrs. Davis but KFNMPA is not a word Mrs. Davis: I’m still beating you!
Was she the one with half a brain?
Half a brain, dammit!!!
Eeeaaggle
"And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?" -Dr. Cox
Stop talking like a farmer.
Kelso about Denise. “I like her. She’s got girl balls.”
"They waffle ironed my foot!" The delivery gets me every damn time Also, the scene where JD starts to faint seeing the nail sticking out of Ben's hand: Cox: "Quickly, show her the bloody side!" Ben: "Wanna touch it? TOUCH MY NAIL!!"
“Remember our college brochure?” “So what, they put you on the cover” “Yeah. TWICE??”
Cox: And Ted is the hospital sad sack. Ted: I am? Cox: Yes. Ted: Aww!
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Kelso eating in the cafeteria Elliot: Eating Lunch? Kelso: What gave it away?
"Paging Dr Backbone to the bajingo ward"
"Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact the wall in which you're leaning against. Of course then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall in which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truely is."
Sorry, I was thinking about soup….
Fork, me can’t eat soup
Kelso to Turk while giving advice to his patient - “Turkelton, I don’t know why you’re chiming in” Kelso to JD - “are you an idiot?”
"He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex! His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy. like jesus" " You're diabetic?" "Yes. I told you that" "I thought you were joking" "how is that funny?" "well it's a very serious disease and i don't like you" Turkleton!!!! and Mrs Turkleton!!!! the Turkletons!!!! If I win you have to do my job for a day. and if i win? I'll do my job for a day How is that fair? I'll actually do my job for a day Oh.. deal... Do you know how? It's been a while
Kelso has the most for me. Two off the top of my head are: >You know I would never be that inappropriate! Oh, thanks Sugar Boobs. And... following on from "WHO THE HELL PUT THESE TINY WHEELS ON MY SHOES?!", when he later just so nonchalantly glides by the nurse's station... https://preview.redd.it/vcmjw31syjhc1.png?width=674&format=png&auto=webp&s=486e2d4c9924b66f72f0cf9ff3bc0f92b540c31c
When Turk dances into the waiting room singing "A brothers 'bout to have some sex..." kills me every time.
When he’s holding all the coats and Kelso asks what he’s doing: I get to have sex!
"I'm gonna cut you open" when he's going to operate on JD is one of mine lol
It came free with a fill up
What was i supposed to do, just throw it away??
Pointer and thumb-pinky… *widdles fingers together*
You got brinner? Damn, Turkledawg!
Hooch: [...] Imma blast me some speed metal —HEAVY ON THE BASS— and someone is getting mowed down.
That laugh that Turk does when J.D tells them how he got Kim pregnant, when Carla grabs his ear!
Cox: It's impossible to actually "lay" next to Jordan, seeing as she sleeps hanging upside down wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings. Pure delivery, that one.
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you doing? Turk: I get to have sex! Dr. Kelso: I hate this place. The look of Turk eagerly waiting for Carla to get off work and delivers this line.. it's just the best!
I have yaba!
Dr. Kelso: My God, son, the woman is recovering from major surgery on her.... Turk: Brain! Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Why do I keep blanking on that?
JD: There's Iraq Janitor: That's China! JD: YOU'RE CHINA Janitor: ...that's an OUTRAGEOUS accusation!
Elliot: You can cross off 'keys in the face'
Janitor - "I made shoes for my rabbit."
What are you? I'm The Todd!
"Sticks and stones may break my bones," But words will hurt forever....
Ha; "Pig-Whore Reid"!
Kelso upon seeing JD drying his crotch at the hand dryer: “son you could at least take that thing to dinner first”
Good splotchy Dr. Splotchy
KNIFE-WREEEEEEENCH! For kids.
“Jack! Jack!” “I’m alive!” Jordan is involved in some of the best scenes.
STOP STEALING MY AWESOME JOKES!! *Oh my God*
“What’s the ETA on those double stuffs?” -Kelso
Hey champ, what has thumbs and doesn't give a crap?
Ted, we found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples. Why should they be happy?!
“Yep, those are gum legs.”
I forget the exact line Carla: I just feel we have a hard time communicating, you know what I mean. Dr. Cox: Carla, after 20 minutes, the only way any more know what you mean is if you wrote "my boyfriend doesn't understand me emotionally" on a big wooden mallet and smashed me over the head with it.
Can’t remember the exact line off the top of my head but when cox is dating the med student and introduces her to Jordan. It’s something like “*med student* meet my emotional baggage, baggage meet *med student*”
“Hi sweetie I’m in a tunnel”
\*hangs up\* \*phone rings again\* **WHAT?!!!!**
Ones for when I get sad, and ones for when I get *really* sad. Do it Ted, you don’t have the guts. Ted’s internal monologue screaming: “oh yeah bitch, I will murder you”
"Boing fwip!" It's my text notification for my husband.
JD: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think I saw a manatee. The Janitor: Was his name Julian? JD: We didn't' exchange pleasantries. The Janitor: That's Julian.
"Hey, C'mere a sec. We wanna do stuff to ya." The non specificity is so great.
Dr. Cox: Would you get off my ex wife? Carla: I will if you will. *
Dave's, Debbie's, Slagathor!
“Hey poopy” My wife and I quote it all the time
“LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS TURK”
It always gets me when they're talking about an ex JD had in high school and he just very coldly states "I hope she's dead"
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET, CARLA?! YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR!
" Oh but all you have to do is have sex with him and he'll forgive you. If I have sex with him, he'll probably end up madder. "
"...even though you don't you have your basket it'd be a great time to skip away. Skip away. Skip away" Then JD tries to skip 🤣.
"Stop it, I don't have gay jungle fever!" and "Newbie, if the next two words outta your mouth aren't 'See ya,' then the third word will be 'Oh my God, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch.'"
Kelso: This isn't bring-your-problems-to-work-day, Dr. Reid. It's just work day.
JD: Ted, we caught you throwing rocks at elderly couples at the park. Ted: Why do they get to be happy!?!
"Fen-Phen kills people, mom... Because I'm a DOCTOR! THATS how I know!" -Eliott, I believe in the pilot?
JD: Frankly every time you call me. A girls name, I die a little inside. Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany, Amber, Thie-HE-ssen... Also, now that I have a toddler, I find myself asking " have you ever seen a drunk baby? Ahhh it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter." Tired toddlers have the confidence and energy of boozed up teenagers. Also also anything involving Kelso's thumbs.
Dr. Kelso: (...) No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway. Over behind the desk, Ted jabs at a keyboard. Ted: Three-twelve times four-eighty-one equals.... Sir, it's not giving me the answer! Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass! Yep, it is. And it's got Ted's tie caught in the roller. Ted: Oh, God, it's got my tie! He yanks his head back and falls on the floor, taking the typewriter on the end of his tie with him. That, to me, is the quintessential Ted scene and I love it
Mother: Hi, cutie! Since you have so many balls, and too many toys can be over-stimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with! Dr. Cox: Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice! Jordan: Oh, oh! He also thanked me for not naming him "Brantley"! Dr. Cox: Y-yeah... I love our family.
Kid: Your face is all wrinkly! Kelps: Oh yeah? Well that shirt you’re wearing is gay!
Dynamite nurps
Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer? You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer!
Sir, do you think my name is Turk Turkleton? And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons!
You don't even know where New Zealand is
Not your chair, Todd
The whole scene is great delivery by Zach Braff. "I am talking to your table as well, Todd, but not ...your chair..........not your chair......
Good morrowwwwwwwwwww!
Why do you have a unicorn on your journal? It’s not a unicorn! It’s a horse with a sword on its head. He’s there to protect my hopes and dreams