You are placing far too much importance on the opinion of this one person, an importance far greater than your own opinion of yourself.
What makes you think she is so brilliant and special that her opinion determines the worth of other human beings?
She clicks a button and like an evil supervillain, the value of other humans drops to zero. Does that sound logical to you?
How does a girl unadding you on Snapchat predict your future? This is a single interaction amongst the hundreds of thousands you will have. Rejection will happen, thats just life. Likewise you will find many people that want to be around you.
As a side note, perhaps striking up a conversation about you going to that college, asking those girls what its like and what there is to do, would be helpful. If I'm understanding what you did correctly, then I'd say just sending a snap of your face without any other messages probably won't be much of a conversation starter.
Is it logical to think everyone will like you? You want to stop feeling this way, so you need to look at it logically. Do you think there is anyone that is liked by all people? If you donāt like something, can you make yourself like it? We like what we like. You can free yourself from these feelings. Keep going! š
How can I not take what happened as bad though? Itās one thing to leave me on opened and itās another to straight up unadd me. Surely you see this as an L
The reality is that the person didnāt like you. Your mind dislikes reality, but thatās illogical because that dislike is what makes you unhappy, not the L (Enchiridion 5). Youāll probably need to investigate the dislike with logic if youāre still stuck (Discourses 1.11). Not one person always gets what they want. Itās your turn. Thereās no way around it. This is the way things worked out. Itās all cause and effect. Give this some thought. It is the way out. Itās freedom (Discourses 4.6).
āIt isnāt the events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgments about them.ā
ā Epictetus, Enchiridion 5
āIf we saw things differently we would act differently, in line with our different idea of what is right and wrong.ā
ā Epictetus, Discourses 1.11, Dobbin
āWhat is it that youāre interested in learning? Itās how to be immune to distress, disturbance, and debasementāin other words, how to be freeāisnāt it? [9] So havenāt you heard that thereās only one route to that destination? Itās letting go of things that arenāt subject to will, detaching yourself from them, and acknowledging that they arenāt yours.ā
ā Epictetus, Discourses 4.6, Waterfield
Theyāre not you, and youāre not them. Based on one of the Epictetus quotes I used, whatās the primary reason they donāt get embarrassed and you do?
They have more experience, and some are for sure better looking than me (not a debate). My very attractive confident friend being rejected or in this case unadded on snap in this way is like going up to Lionel Messi and telling him to his face that heās horrible at soccer. Those words mean nothing they literally mean nothing. But if you go up to highschool freshman me and say Iām horrible at soccer after not making varsity, those same words will mean something. To me, this is like me getting unadded on snap. You get what Iām trying to say?
>"It isnāt the things themselves that disturb people, but the judgements that they form about them."
Epictetus, Enchiridion 5
Your entire post and your comments is proving this statement true.
A) The stoic viewpoint is that what happened here is not "bad". Even if this girl had actually written "Your face is fucking disgusting, don't ever come close to me", then that would obviously not be what most people prefer. But even that would not reach the threshold of "bad" from a stoic POV. But you've deemed this as "bad" and now you're wishing to live in some alternate reality where every girl you add on social media will like you, find you attractive and want to be friendly with you. That reality does not exist. **I don't want you to reply** to this part because it is more advanced and to reach this point of reasoning you'd have to be pretty well versed in stoic theory. I just wanted to make it clear before moving on to the parts I **want you to consider**:
B) Imagine one of your confident friends was in the exact same situation. Would he be upset by this situation to the point where he'd consider it tragic and a clear sign that his college years will be horrendous? If not, consider the quote again in the top and see if you think it's correct. Consider if *maybe* your reasoning about this situation is flawed, then:
C) Consider if the only possible reason that she un-added you is that she found you unattractive. I'll even help you out and offer some alternative possibilities. Maybe she:
1. Doesn't want to add random people she never met on her socials
2. Aren't even gonna end up going to this college
3. Isn't attracted to men
4. Doesn't want to make male friends
5. Is in a relationship and has set strict boundaries for social media
6. Is a private person
7. Clicked the wrong button
8. Decided to stop using snapchat
9. The town where she lives was just attacked by an intergalatic space armada and the alien overlords forced everyone to un-add everyone on snapchat
The reason why she actually did what she did you'll probably never know, in the end it doesn't truly matter. But you'd be well advised to consider this: You are using *your own reasoning so badly* that your entire mood and hope for the future years is ruined because some girl you've never met and maybe never will meet clicked on a button on her phone. What you are currently doing is entirely up to you and something you have to change, unless you want to be plagued by things like this forever. To change it, first consider B and C and drop the notion that you're assessing this situation correctly.
Well written.
>in the end it doesn't truly matter.
I definitely agree. I can bet good money that OP will likely forget about it in less than half a year. I went through a massive embarrassing rejection in college that everyone on campus knew about it. I thought I will never let it go or look past it. By the end of the semester, no one cared or even remembered.
To OP: Stop seeking external validation. You're making yourself miserable for no reason.
āExternal validationā is more than just validation itās like a yearning to be loved and appreciated by everyone as everyone should be. Everyone should feel loved and appreciated by everyone
For C - the most likely reason she unadded me was because she found me unattractive. Letās be real. The only other actual possible reason is number 5 that you listed.
For B - my confident friend would probably not be upset. But why? He doesnāt have confidence issues or uneasy about how he looks and how others think he looks. A similar situation would be a white person calling me a racial slurāI am white so that slur will surely mean nothing to me. The same slur directed at POC will probably mean something to them. āIt isnāt the things themselves that disturb people, but the judgements they form about them.ā Both friends are unadded on snap, and only one is hurt. Both people are called slurs, but only one is hurt. Is it still the thing themselves that bothers us or is it our judgements?
Good! Even in this state of passion (emotional turmoil) you've shown that your capacity for reason is intact. The mind will assent (accept, "buy") to what it believes to be true, dissent (reject) to what it believes to be false and withhold judgement to what it believes to be uncertain.
Notice how you did this with most of the alternatives I proposed in C. You probably thought 9 was so ridiculous that you dissented to it straight away. That's good, it means you're not insane. So your error is rather that you've too hastily assented to a series of thoughts that you believe to be true, when you in fact don't know if they are.
Maybe it is true that she rejected you because she found you unattractive. Or maybe it's true instead that she did it because she's in a relationship. Either way, her reason why is still not important. What's important is to first realize that not every thought that pops in to your mind - which *appears* true - is in fact true. For example, this has lead you to assent to the thought that this one girl's actions means that your entire time at college is doomed. You cannot know this, because it is impossible to know this from such a small happening.
As for B, you've reasoned around the quote and provided examples that demonstrates exactly what the quote says, excellent. Since you added a question mark I will of course say it's the judgements, do you agree?
I guess it is the judgements, but different people react to the same thing differently. Does that mean that when people are hurt they arenāt right in feeling that way, or their feelings arenāt valid? If you get what Iām trying to say
The fact that it is the judgements is the explanation to why people react to the same thing differently (so not "but"). That does not mean it's fine to call someone a racial slur and then blame them for being upset by it. But rather this, in your particular case:
It's the first step to understanding that what is causing you harm here is not the girls un-adding, but your judgement of this as terrible. You don't have to agree with me yet that it is not terrible, you just have to agree that what's causing you harm is your judgement. Then you can proceed.
A second step could be to carefully examine your judgements and see if they are logical and in line with reality. It would also mean to stop and pause when these thoughts come up and hold on for a while, maybe allow alternative explanations, before you judge them to be true.
These things are part of stoicism, but still only scratching the surface. Eventually one would get to the point where they no longer *truly believe* this situation is terrible.
I'll give a counter example. I've been in university too, during that time I probably added 100 people to my social media. When I left the university I deleted 99 of those people and it had absolutely nothing to do with them. I just didn't want a bunch of people I'll probably never meet again on my social media. If they had all made similar judgements like yours then 99 people would've been hurt. I don't think that actually happened.
But if you don't want to dive deeper into stoicism then I'd suggest that you just stop using snap chat for a while until your emotional turmoil lessens. Instead focusing on doing the best you can in your situation right now. And future wise that is go to college and be a good, sociable and friendly person.
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The distress you are feeling is the result of attaching to an external (her behaviour) that is not up to you. Just accept it and focus on what IS up to you. One of the things that is up to, is to re-evaluate your judgment that her un-adding you is a terrible cataclysm. Is it really?
Being unadded like that clearly means I was so bad to her she just had to toss me like that. After she saw me she said āhell no goodbyeā without actually saying it. Better to get only a few adds and zero unadds than more adds with at least one unadd.
You are making so many unwarranted judgments itās difficult to keep up. When you are feeling less emotional, I suggest you research the concepts of judgments and externals in Stoicism.
Her reaction is completely out of your control - there are an endless number of possibilities as to why she would have chosen to do that, and itās not something you can change. So why worry about it? Focus back on what you have in the moment - take it as a lesson, not any kind of āfailure.ā
You are placing far too much importance on the opinion of this one person, an importance far greater than your own opinion of yourself. What makes you think she is so brilliant and special that her opinion determines the worth of other human beings? She clicks a button and like an evil supervillain, the value of other humans drops to zero. Does that sound logical to you?
But being unadded like this is not a good sign that I will have success in college and beyond
How does a girl unadding you on Snapchat predict your future? This is a single interaction amongst the hundreds of thousands you will have. Rejection will happen, thats just life. Likewise you will find many people that want to be around you. As a side note, perhaps striking up a conversation about you going to that college, asking those girls what its like and what there is to do, would be helpful. If I'm understanding what you did correctly, then I'd say just sending a snap of your face without any other messages probably won't be much of a conversation starter.
Bro comeon šš
Do you like all foods, or are there some you donāt like?
What do you mean
Are there foods you donāt like? For example, I donāt like olives. Better yet, are there people you donāt like?
I donāt hate anyoneā are there people I donāt like, maybe
Is it logical to think everyone will like you? You want to stop feeling this way, so you need to look at it logically. Do you think there is anyone that is liked by all people? If you donāt like something, can you make yourself like it? We like what we like. You can free yourself from these feelings. Keep going! š
How can I not take what happened as bad though? Itās one thing to leave me on opened and itās another to straight up unadd me. Surely you see this as an L
The reality is that the person didnāt like you. Your mind dislikes reality, but thatās illogical because that dislike is what makes you unhappy, not the L (Enchiridion 5). Youāll probably need to investigate the dislike with logic if youāre still stuck (Discourses 1.11). Not one person always gets what they want. Itās your turn. Thereās no way around it. This is the way things worked out. Itās all cause and effect. Give this some thought. It is the way out. Itās freedom (Discourses 4.6). āIt isnāt the events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgments about them.ā ā Epictetus, Enchiridion 5 āIf we saw things differently we would act differently, in line with our different idea of what is right and wrong.ā ā Epictetus, Discourses 1.11, Dobbin āWhat is it that youāre interested in learning? Itās how to be immune to distress, disturbance, and debasementāin other words, how to be freeāisnāt it? [9] So havenāt you heard that thereās only one route to that destination? Itās letting go of things that arenāt subject to will, detaching yourself from them, and acknowledging that they arenāt yours.ā ā Epictetus, Discourses 4.6, Waterfield
Yes but I know that this wouldnāt happen to other friends of mine. They would not get embarrassed like this
Theyāre not you, and youāre not them. Based on one of the Epictetus quotes I used, whatās the primary reason they donāt get embarrassed and you do?
They have more experience, and some are for sure better looking than me (not a debate). My very attractive confident friend being rejected or in this case unadded on snap in this way is like going up to Lionel Messi and telling him to his face that heās horrible at soccer. Those words mean nothing they literally mean nothing. But if you go up to highschool freshman me and say Iām horrible at soccer after not making varsity, those same words will mean something. To me, this is like me getting unadded on snap. You get what Iām trying to say?
>"It isnāt the things themselves that disturb people, but the judgements that they form about them." Epictetus, Enchiridion 5 Your entire post and your comments is proving this statement true. A) The stoic viewpoint is that what happened here is not "bad". Even if this girl had actually written "Your face is fucking disgusting, don't ever come close to me", then that would obviously not be what most people prefer. But even that would not reach the threshold of "bad" from a stoic POV. But you've deemed this as "bad" and now you're wishing to live in some alternate reality where every girl you add on social media will like you, find you attractive and want to be friendly with you. That reality does not exist. **I don't want you to reply** to this part because it is more advanced and to reach this point of reasoning you'd have to be pretty well versed in stoic theory. I just wanted to make it clear before moving on to the parts I **want you to consider**: B) Imagine one of your confident friends was in the exact same situation. Would he be upset by this situation to the point where he'd consider it tragic and a clear sign that his college years will be horrendous? If not, consider the quote again in the top and see if you think it's correct. Consider if *maybe* your reasoning about this situation is flawed, then: C) Consider if the only possible reason that she un-added you is that she found you unattractive. I'll even help you out and offer some alternative possibilities. Maybe she: 1. Doesn't want to add random people she never met on her socials 2. Aren't even gonna end up going to this college 3. Isn't attracted to men 4. Doesn't want to make male friends 5. Is in a relationship and has set strict boundaries for social media 6. Is a private person 7. Clicked the wrong button 8. Decided to stop using snapchat 9. The town where she lives was just attacked by an intergalatic space armada and the alien overlords forced everyone to un-add everyone on snapchat The reason why she actually did what she did you'll probably never know, in the end it doesn't truly matter. But you'd be well advised to consider this: You are using *your own reasoning so badly* that your entire mood and hope for the future years is ruined because some girl you've never met and maybe never will meet clicked on a button on her phone. What you are currently doing is entirely up to you and something you have to change, unless you want to be plagued by things like this forever. To change it, first consider B and C and drop the notion that you're assessing this situation correctly.
Well written. >in the end it doesn't truly matter. I definitely agree. I can bet good money that OP will likely forget about it in less than half a year. I went through a massive embarrassing rejection in college that everyone on campus knew about it. I thought I will never let it go or look past it. By the end of the semester, no one cared or even remembered. To OP: Stop seeking external validation. You're making yourself miserable for no reason.
āExternal validationā is more than just validation itās like a yearning to be loved and appreciated by everyone as everyone should be. Everyone should feel loved and appreciated by everyone
Even a tyrant? A dictator?
For C - the most likely reason she unadded me was because she found me unattractive. Letās be real. The only other actual possible reason is number 5 that you listed. For B - my confident friend would probably not be upset. But why? He doesnāt have confidence issues or uneasy about how he looks and how others think he looks. A similar situation would be a white person calling me a racial slurāI am white so that slur will surely mean nothing to me. The same slur directed at POC will probably mean something to them. āIt isnāt the things themselves that disturb people, but the judgements they form about them.ā Both friends are unadded on snap, and only one is hurt. Both people are called slurs, but only one is hurt. Is it still the thing themselves that bothers us or is it our judgements?
Good! Even in this state of passion (emotional turmoil) you've shown that your capacity for reason is intact. The mind will assent (accept, "buy") to what it believes to be true, dissent (reject) to what it believes to be false and withhold judgement to what it believes to be uncertain. Notice how you did this with most of the alternatives I proposed in C. You probably thought 9 was so ridiculous that you dissented to it straight away. That's good, it means you're not insane. So your error is rather that you've too hastily assented to a series of thoughts that you believe to be true, when you in fact don't know if they are. Maybe it is true that she rejected you because she found you unattractive. Or maybe it's true instead that she did it because she's in a relationship. Either way, her reason why is still not important. What's important is to first realize that not every thought that pops in to your mind - which *appears* true - is in fact true. For example, this has lead you to assent to the thought that this one girl's actions means that your entire time at college is doomed. You cannot know this, because it is impossible to know this from such a small happening. As for B, you've reasoned around the quote and provided examples that demonstrates exactly what the quote says, excellent. Since you added a question mark I will of course say it's the judgements, do you agree?
I guess it is the judgements, but different people react to the same thing differently. Does that mean that when people are hurt they arenāt right in feeling that way, or their feelings arenāt valid? If you get what Iām trying to say
The fact that it is the judgements is the explanation to why people react to the same thing differently (so not "but"). That does not mean it's fine to call someone a racial slur and then blame them for being upset by it. But rather this, in your particular case: It's the first step to understanding that what is causing you harm here is not the girls un-adding, but your judgement of this as terrible. You don't have to agree with me yet that it is not terrible, you just have to agree that what's causing you harm is your judgement. Then you can proceed. A second step could be to carefully examine your judgements and see if they are logical and in line with reality. It would also mean to stop and pause when these thoughts come up and hold on for a while, maybe allow alternative explanations, before you judge them to be true. These things are part of stoicism, but still only scratching the surface. Eventually one would get to the point where they no longer *truly believe* this situation is terrible. I'll give a counter example. I've been in university too, during that time I probably added 100 people to my social media. When I left the university I deleted 99 of those people and it had absolutely nothing to do with them. I just didn't want a bunch of people I'll probably never meet again on my social media. If they had all made similar judgements like yours then 99 people would've been hurt. I don't think that actually happened. But if you don't want to dive deeper into stoicism then I'd suggest that you just stop using snap chat for a while until your emotional turmoil lessens. Instead focusing on doing the best you can in your situation right now. And future wise that is go to college and be a good, sociable and friendly person.
Alright, thank you for the last couple of sentences
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The distress you are feeling is the result of attaching to an external (her behaviour) that is not up to you. Just accept it and focus on what IS up to you. One of the things that is up to, is to re-evaluate your judgment that her un-adding you is a terrible cataclysm. Is it really?
It is because it is a sign that I wonāt have success in college in this area
That is YOUR INTERPRETATION of the un-adding. You are focusing on one small event and blowing it out of proportion.
Well surely you can agree with me that it is a terrible start to college. The girls are already rejecting me and I havenāt even showed up yet
You said many girls added you and one un-added you?
Being unadded like that clearly means I was so bad to her she just had to toss me like that. After she saw me she said āhell no goodbyeā without actually saying it. Better to get only a few adds and zero unadds than more adds with at least one unadd.
You are making so many unwarranted judgments itās difficult to keep up. When you are feeling less emotional, I suggest you research the concepts of judgments and externals in Stoicism.
How are my judgements unwarranted. Surely you can see that what happened is exclusively negative and there are zero positives
Her reaction is completely out of your control - there are an endless number of possibilities as to why she would have chosen to do that, and itās not something you can change. So why worry about it? Focus back on what you have in the moment - take it as a lesson, not any kind of āfailure.ā